Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 147: Car Horn Aliens & An Animated Bank Heist - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 26, 2021

On this episode, we talk about Andy’s doodles, Mike’s love of coffee table books, and Jason wiping out an entire species. We close the show with a draft of animated characters for a bank heist. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube

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It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. That's great. Welcome in, everybody. Woo! Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you've got to hit them with the standards. I think it was great. We're trying to coast in on this one.

Take the road most traveled. You don't ever fire up the standards? The standards? Yeah. Is this a specific band? No, it's a very specific genre of music, though. I am unaware. No, I am, too.

I don't know. Explain yourself. So, like, Harry Connick Jr. often covers the standards. Is that all the hits or something? Is that another way of saying it? But it was a time period of, like, it's a little bit of jazz music, a little bit of big band, and they're called The Standards. I don't...

Okay. Because that's just, like, when you became, I assume, now thinking about it, like, when you became a musician back then, it was, there was a set of music you just, you had to know. You had to know The Standards. Oh, okay. Because everyone would request these songs. Hmm. Like at a dinner party? Yeah. Okay okay or at a bar or something okay yeah well i guess you hit the

standards like like uh like moon dance once again uh once again i have no idea what you're talking about oh you would know you would know them because they're the standards. They were Papa's standards. It does sound that way. Welcome to the Spitballers. Andy, Mike, and Jason back with you. Spitballerspod.com is the website. On today's show, we have Would You Rather. We're entering the Situation Room,

and we have another spectacular draft for you. We're going on a bank heist, but we need some help. We're going back on a bank. We've been on a bank heist before. We have done a bank heist before. It did not go well for me. You had a pig wig. I believe I drafted a pig wig.

Well, to my credit, I believe it was a multi-animal. To your credit. Well, I threw off the feds big time. They had no idea it was me, but now I'm bringing in some animated characters. Yeah, it'll be fun. So we appreciate you supporting the show, subscribing, reviewing. We're going to read a review right now.

Review Asaurus Rex. This one comes in from Yaya2102. Five stars. I started listening last month and I was instantly hooked. Now I'm starting over from the beginning. The best thing is I can listen to it with my son and we actually pause the show and answer in our own way for the Would You Rather questions. Even if you go back to the first shows, they're still relevant. Keep up the great work.

And I am officially a hashtag hashtag hashtag spitwad now well thank you yaya yes i i like that review i like it a lot but there's a part i don't like oh no they paused the show that's i that's i think that's that uh is rude to the comedy really that we provide. I was about to say, I love that. That's disrespectful. Yeah, we are artists on this show. I got something different out of the review.

What I understood from this review is that all of our old shows' questions are still relevant. Oh, of course. We can re-roll all of that. The next 100 shows same we'll probably answer different this show that you're listening to right now is actually an old one we we let me we read this review and then we thought let's just cut into a super old show so as you're listening see if you remember this stuff that's true did you hear president clinton saying that stuff the other day all right right, let's do some Would You Rather.

Would You Rather. Jake from the website, would you rather your entire household share a single bathroom with only one flush allowed per day? Oh, wow. What? Oh, that's funny. Oh, that sounds like my kid's bathroom.

Or, oh, okay, we'll get into that. Or you all have to use a porta potty in the backyard. A porta potty is a no-flush system. Right, that's a never flush. But there's a distance. Yes. It's way down there. You are separated at least by a foot or so.

I don't know. It's more than that. Yeah, it could be like seven, eight feet. No, no, no. This isn't an outhouse. This is a porta potty. It's portable. The poop is in the potty.

The poop is right there. But the difference is there's distance from the house, from the living area. The quarters, you're not smelling this from your kitchen if it's in the porta potty in the backyard. Whereas, I don't know, man. If the entire house has to use a toilet without flushing. One flush per day. One flush!

How do you time that up? Oh, I know how to time that up. Midday? No, it's first. It's dad's. It's dad's flush. That's what the whole family's going to want. That's what I'm going to need.

Because you shut it down. I'm going to need. Because you shut it down. I'm going to murder that place, and then we flush, and we're okay for a little while. You realize that means that dad is pooping on poop. That is a problem. And it ain't yours. No, it's definitely not your problem. I'm going to admit something.

I'm thankful to say I've never pooped on somebody else's poop. You've never had to poop on poop? I have never pooped on poop. I mean, other than a porta potty. Stacks on stacks. I have pooped on lots of poop at a porta potty. You've pooped in a porta potty? Like, have you guys ever?

I have. Oh, yeah. No way. Emergencies. Yes, desperate times call for desperate measures. And yes, I have had to poop. I imagine it was at like a state fair. That's where I'm thinking. Yes, desperate times call for desperate measures, and yes, I have had to- I imagine it was at a state fair. That's where I'm thinking.

Oh, my goodness. Or a water park or something. A state fair port-a-potty? Yeah. That sounds like a nightmare zone. You definitely have tetanus at the least. I'd rather be in a prison, like one of those cell rooms where there's just a toilet on the wall rather than be at a fair port-a-potty.

So in the prison, there is no privacy. Correct. That's just how it works. Yeah. So you just got to, and then you're, you know, you're somewhat vulnerable in that position. Well, you're in your cell, so you're not, I mean, I guess if you have a cellmate. But do you share the cell with a cellmate? Yeah.

And you both use the non-private? See,'t been to prison so i have a lot of questions right soon um i i was thinking of that those holding cells that you always see in like the shows like when you're when you're when you're brought in and you're oh well because that's that's just i believe that's jail yeah that's jail okay yeah just like an overnight holding cell at the station is there is there a hanging toilet there, too? No, I think they ought to take you to the bathroom. That is a good question. I don't know.

Easy escape. Sir. I've got to go number two. Sir, I have explosive diarrhea. I think I've been informed that the porta potty is going to be cleared out once a week. Well, it has to be. Eventually, it will fill up. Eventually, it will fill up. Otherwise, it's a problem.

There is a maximum occupancy. I'm going to need one more thing added to the porta potty to make this an even fight for me. Okay. I'm going to need an air conditioner. No. Oh, no. You cannot have.

That's the essence of a porta potty. The summer? Yeah. In Arizona in a porta potty? Summertime. I would literally be pooping Arizona in a porta potty? Summertime. I would literally be pooping next to the porta potty. If I went the porta potty route, I'd be like, well, I've got to go to the bathroom. I'm not going in that thing.

Just take a hold and use the shade from the porta potty. That's right. I would use it for privacy. I'd hide behind it. I'm glad you brought the heat up because I was going to go with the porta potty. I felt like that was a better solution the poops further from the house um yes it stinks to be in there but it's going to stink to be in your house with the one flush rule yeah that's that's tough and it's funny because mike you said well then you're the one pooping

on poop yeah and i thought to myself well i i'm first thing in the morning but it doesn't matter it doesn't matter because it's all there from the day before if you only get one per day. If you're the first pooper, that's the best situation. But you'd have to be the first pooper past the flush, not in the morning because what if you flush in the middle of the day? Well, I wouldn't. I'd flush at the end of the day.

Yeah, okay. When do you flush? You have to flush it before bed because then it can sit there not stinking for 12 hours. Do you know what I'm saying? But the longer it's there, the less stink there will be. A fresh turd is always stinkier than an old turd. I think Andy's right here because you've got a lot of hours.

You can't have it cooking overnight. Yeah, you can't have it cooking overnight. I think you flush at night. This is the worst segment. The worst question we've ever done. You flush at night. I get in there first, The worst question we've ever done. You flush at night. I get in there first, and I'm taking that. I'm taking that approach.

Okay. So I'm in first. I flush at night, and I'm very selfish. And your family is destroyed. That's right. And then you don't have a port-a-potty making your backyard all ugly. That's true. I'll miss the shade.

Phillip from Patreon. Wait, what did you guys pick? I want to do the port-a-potty. Yeah, I'm going port-a-potty. I'll miss the shade. Phillip from Patreon. Wait, what did you guys pick? I want to do the port-a-potty. Yeah, I'm going port-a-potty. I can live with it. I'll just jump in the pool afterwards. Oh, man. You'll be so sweaty. I'd rather poop in the pool. And that's why we don't swim at your house.

Phillip from Patreon, would you rather have your car always take 15 minutes to get to temperature? Why is everyone trying to sweat us out? Blows ice cold air for 15 minutes when you want it hot or blazing hot air for 15 minutes when you want it cold. Yeah. So Arizona or have it never work at all.

What would be the advantage just out of curiosity of just having it broken and never work? Why would I rather never work than just take a little while to work because imagine you're getting your car and you want to cool it off and instead it's blowing hot air at you like it's actually heating yeah you don't get the choice i'm guessing you don't get the loophole of like turning it on and walking away for 15 minutes and that's what that's the thing about the 15 minutes is i mean like imagine driving it's not often that you're in the car for that much longer than 15 minutes,

at least where we live and drive. I'd rather have it broken in that situation. Windows down, system up. I've lived that life. My high school car, no AC, no heat. I guess I just assumed as we read this question, because this is common in Arizona. In Arizona, you go out to your car and you start it 15 minutes before you leave. Yeah.

Whether you've got- You put your oven mitts on. That's right. So you can actually open the door. And then you go in, you start the car, and then you run back. You take a quick shower from having to walk out to your car. And then 15 minutes later, you get into a car that's got like decent cool air. You are not exaggerating.

You're exaggerating a little bit. But you get in your car you start it in this is like the middle of the summer and then you get out of the car because it is it is way hotter inside that car than it is just standing out there letting you have to crack your windows in arizona during the summer when you park you have to allow otherwise you are what how much does that actually help the temperature i know that significant what like 10 degrees i mean your car can get very very hot your car becomes deadly which do not lock your pets in your car please well just think about how hot it

is outside maybe it's 110 degrees i'm just saying like what is the what's the actual temperature difference of a cracked window versus just closed windows? Does anyone know that? Has anyone done that experiment? Owl? It can reach over 140 degrees within minutes inside a fully closed vehicle. So my thought is if it's 140 inside with it closed, it could be the temperature outside with it cracked. Look, if I've got this situation, those windows are never going up.

They are down. I'll break them. I'll just shatter them out, and I don't even want windows. We've got an even better report. One researcher tested this in the 80s. A study in pediatrics found that cracking the window five centimeters lowered the temperature in a car by 28 degrees Fahrenheit in a 98 degree day. All right.

That's substantial. That's significant. A lot. Thus, my windowless car is the way to go. I'm certainly buying a convertible. You want to steal it, you can steal it. I think you'd die in 15 minutes of hot air blowing in your face with closed windows in a car. You might pass out.

Yeah, it wouldn't be good. Well, yeah. No, I mean, think about it. I mean, you die in a car you might yeah you might pass out yeah it wouldn't be good no i mean think about it i mean you you die in a in a car in arizona in the heat yes now you're saying according to this question heating your car is you're getting it hotter like nothing is cooled down it's just getting hotter you're right you can't go that route no you have to have a broken ac choose life windows down choose life yes sir break that ac break those windows and live i want to You have to have a broken AC. Choose life. Windows down. Choose life. Yes, sir. Break that AC. Break those windows and live. I want to live. Did either of you ever own a car that had no AC or no?

I did not own it, but my cousin was- But I knew a guy. No, no. I did know a guy, but my older cousin was the first driver of of all of us yeah so like he was my best friend growing up and so we rolled up it was like a mid 80s minivan like the all the paint was just coming off of this thing no no air conditioning air conditioning had stopped working years ago and this this was, you would, everywhere you went, you would just have, your shirt would be two different colors. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you'd have the regular color with some sweat stains in the front. But the back of your shirt is three shades darker because it is just drenched. I had to, sometimes, I had one of these cars. In fact, I tried to sell it to Andy. Yeah, you did. When I met him. No headliner, no gas gauge that worked. This thing was the most busted.

This was literally the closest vehicle that has ever been on the road to the Flintstones vehicle. Okay. It didn't have a gas gauge that worked. And he pitched it like it was a darling car. It didn't have an oil gauge that worked. And it didn't keep oil. I had a case of oil. I would fill it up every three or four

stops um that sounds friendly for the environment i had to i had to write the mileage down a piece paper so i could know like when to fill it up um but no ac and it didn't matter because i was 16 yeah and you had a car and i had a car yeah it was awesome i i used to go to school in the morning in the winter i would take a blanket and throw it in the dryer for 10 minutes. I'd bring the hot blanket to the car to sit in the car as my heat. All right. And I'm sure that cold people states have a problem too. Yeah.

But I don't know anything about it. Right. Sorry. Our problems are worse. Now, is Brooks on the microphone today? Yes, sir. So, Brooks, you're talking about your time up in Michigan, right? Yeah. Our problems are worse. Now, is Brooks on the microphone today? Yes, sir. So, Brooks, you're talking about your time up in Michigan, right?

Yeah. And I actually had to deal, for the first time in my entire life, I had to deal with an ice car where the windshield and the ice were actually frozen. And that wasn't very fun. Did you have to scrape it? Yeah, I had to scrape it. I had to turn on the defroster. I had to put salt on the windshield. Wait, what's a defroster?

That's the CEO. All right. Dave from the website, would you rather the humanity discover a suitable second home on another planet or discover non-hostile intelligent life on another planet? So we become a multi-planetary species. Okay, that's cool. Or non-hostile intelligent life.

Or we find a whole other species. Yeah, I mean, this one's pretty easy for me. And I think this kind of harkens back to, I'm going to be honest, a little bit of selfishness. Well, this show is little bit of selfishness. But like... This show is predicated on selfishness. Right. It's the selfishness ballers.

I want another place to live. Like, going to another place to live... You're just wiping out another... I'm not wiping out anything. They never existed. They do now. No, no, no. I picked first.

Like, you kill the species? This is not... This is not, what you like to have a home somewhere else and wipe out another form of life. Yes, it is. Or there is an or in the question. You have wiped them out. Well, I got a second home, Mike, and it's outstanding. Can you imagine going to a new planet like we do that? and it's outstanding. Can you imagine going to a new planet like we do that?

We find one and then we can go there and you're the first people discovering a new planet. Would that be terrifying or exciting? It would be almost all terrifying. I mean, the romantic look at it is it would be incredible. I'm the first person to ever step on this planet. I am the first person to do this. I mean.

If you knew you were safe, though, it would be fully exciting, right? You're just worried about dying. No, I'm not worried about dying. I'm worried about being comfortable. Because you can go to this. All the people, when we had the oregon trail they were uncomfortable they were not living a good life i mean they was it was adventure we benefited from their absolutely we did i think about this jording rivers i think about this all the time diseases

when we are off eclipse when we're outside when our kids are outside for like 10 minutes in the arizona summer it's like oh my gosh we've got to get them inside they're gonna and then it's like the air conditioning did not always exist people lived here prior to air conditioning it's a very been a very arizona centric show it has been a very arizona centric show um but that's true People lived out in the desert. Better people than us, that's for sure. Yes. Without any air conditioning. Well, that's why they all died when they were 19 years old. That's probably fair.

Just like this non-hostile intelligent life. Yeah, they're gone. Oh, they died at zero. I took them out, baby. Your home belongs to me now. Are we all taking the second planet? No way. Show me them aliens, man.

Let's go. Yeah, I could have told you what Mike was picking from the get-go. Is it a little disappointing if you meet them and they're not hostile after all these movies? You meet them and they're just like super polite accountants. They're just Canadians. They're just like boring.

We want something exciting from them. They don't attack you. They don't really offer you much. They're boring. They we want something exciting from them. They don't attack you. They don't really offer you much. They're boring. They don't want to play games. They just want to sit around. The problem is you're not going to be able to communicate with them well. Like, okay, somebody will figure out how to communicate.

They're an intelligent life form. But I could not communicate. I can't communicate with someone on the other side of this planet. You know what I mean? You figure it out. I cannot. Well, I mean, I've got Google Translate. But when we meet this new species.

Google, say hello. Exactly. That's the alien's language. Yes. It's just all car horns. It's all car horns. It's all car horns it's all car horns it's all car horns but my point is

there would be nothing great other than oh they exist let me ask you a question if you found another planet and it was filled it's a water planet and it's just filled with alien dolphins, right?

They're just equivalent to dolphins. Would you qualify that as finding intelligent life on another planet? It would qualify to me, yes. So if you found dolphin planet, that would work. Yeah, that's why I want my safe vacation home planet. What if it was filled with beetles? It's a beetle planet. Only beetles. No, not smart. Dolphins. You. What if it was filled with beetles? It's a beetle planet. Only beetles.

Nope. Not smart. Dolphins. You'd still call it life. You'd say life. Yeah. But the question says intelligent life. And if we find dolphin planet, I cannot wait to ship some good old fashioned earth dolphins.

Get them up there so they can race. Oh, you kidding me? I'm going sharks. I'm saying we're taking over the top of the food chain here. Well, look, if we find non-hostile intelligent aliens, what do you think is going to happen? We're the hostile ones. Yes. That's right.

All right. There will be no peace here. Where is the line between intelligent life and life, though? I know it's somewhere between beetles and dolphins. So I think I might have answered dolphin a little bit more in there. What about a rat? A rat planet. Intelligent life to me means communication. Okay? Intelligent life to me means communication.

Intelligent life to me means communication. But beetles can communicate. No, no, no. He means with us. Yes. Like dolphins, you can do some things to train them. The ability to communicate. But I guess you can train a beetle too.

Yeah, so I'm starting to wonder. You ever heard of a flea circus? I'm starting to wonder if I would not consider dolphins as intelligent life. We found life on another planet. Monkeys? But if we can't communicate back and forth, I don't think I'd call that intelligent life. But they can communicate.

Just not the way you want them to. They communicate with math. Imagine a dolphin just out there. Hey, this is a fun thought experiment. For most of us, learning a second language in high school or college, it didn't go as planned. It wasn't the high point of our academic careers.

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one of our supporters on Patreon. Oh, thank you for your support. Named Shame Eating. Shame Eating? Oh, yeah you for your support. Named Shame Eating. Shame Eating? Oh, yeah. One of my people. Between the other two hosts and Al, pick one person to educate your children, one person to design and give your next tattoo, and one to perform

surgery to remove your infected abscessed tooth. Ooh. So, we're picking... Oh, this is easy. I'm done. You're done. Go for it. I'm done. I'll go for it. Mike, congratulations on designing my next tattoo.

You are the only tattooed one up. I will refuse to acknowledge Owl's tattoos. Thank you. You are welcome. And you are welcome, Owl. Mike, you get my tattoos. To be a little kinder to Al here, I'm going to choose him for the surgery. I am, too.

I am, too. He will research it. Yes. He will think through all of the things that could go wrong. And I think he'll care for me. And then education look andy is you know an educated man he is a wise one he is the father of us all and father to my children now in the education front so that's the way i'm going all right i'm i've got a different

take yeah i've got my take as well uh i'm but owl is doing the tooth because he'll YouTube it. He'll figure it out. He'll research enough that I feel confident. For the tattoo, though, I'm going to Andy. I've seen his doodles. Oh, yeah. You're forgetting there have been many legendary doodles throughout the time. There is two that I can think of that are signed and valuable.

If we NFT'd these things, I mean, you're talking... I hadn't thought about that. What, like, at least 60 plus ether. Yes. If we really went for it on these doodles. We'd shut down the show afterwards, but

his doodles are legendary. So Jason's educating your kids by matter of elimination. Yeah. Take that, Grammar. That's good. I was going to try Big Brooks, but I can't. Oh, no. Yeah.

I'm sorry, children. See, the default is to go to the tattooed man for the tattoo design, but I don't know if I've seen Mike do a lot of artwork. I cannot think of a single drawing. Can you draw Mike? I cannot draw very well, but I could definitely give you a cool abstract

tattoo. Jason's doing my tattoo. Ooh. I will like that. You want to know why? Because Mike's actually doing my tooth abscess. Oh, right. I feel like he's got steadier hands than Al Borland over there. It's the dexterity. Have you seen Al Borland on the foosball table?

Those hands are going all over the place. Those hands don't work, man. He may research it, but if your hands are like, you know, you need stability. Yeah, that's a really. He'll rip out all my teeth. Really, really good point. I remember every time I've watched him play foosball, sometimes those hands. He gets a little, and pressure.

The pressure of the game. Oh, that's true. If you tell him he's playing bad, it gets in his head. foosball, sometimes those hands. And pressure. The pressure of the game. Oh, that's true. If you tell him he's playing bad, it gets in his head. Oh, no, it's bleeding. His tooth is bleeding. But if you tell him he's playing really good, then he'll watch out.

He's playing real bad. Do you want to select between the three of us for these? Al, I think you should. Yeah. Yeah, Andy will educate my kids. Man. Yeah. Where do you want me? Where do you want me?

Where do you want me? That's what this comes down to. I'm going to have to let Mike give me the tattoo. At least he's seen it done before. I'm ripping that sucker out of my mouth. Yep. I'll just deal with the repercussions of you. Yes, you will.

Yes, you will. That's a good one. All right. Big Gordo from Patreon. You have been exiled from your home country. Uh-oh. However, you are allowed to pick a different country to move to. Your stay is all expenses paid and you have magically become fluent

in the native language upon entering. What country do you pick? Interesting. Does that mean if you pick another English speaking country, you get the native language? Okay. Upon entering. What country do you pick? Interesting. Does that mean if you pick another English-speaking country, you get the accent, though? Oh, absolutely. You have to be able to be fluent with the people. You're one of them. Mike, are you going to Australia?

You don't have a long way to go on the accent if you need it. I have been fortunate enough in my younger days to visit Australia. And despite the fact that every time you read about a horrific plague or there's a bajillion rodents, oh, there's 10 trillion spiders on the loose, Australia is really- It's wild. It is a wild place. It's wild. It is a wild place. And I don't know if I've talked about it with you guys, but did you guys know that birds over in the United States,

birds that are considered like these are wild, like really exotic birds, like a cockatoo. Okay. They're just there. They're just living. They are just living there like pigeons like they just have cockatoos yeah just flying around man it's a wild it's way down south man a bird that if you went to a pet store in the u.s it would cost you thousands of dollars they're just

flying around they're just everywhere yes there's like you want one grab one i mean if they exist as birds they should be flying somewhere. But it's so wild. Yeah, but I would expect them to be in the jungle or something, like in the rainforest, not just like, oh, I'm playing basketball and look what's on the fence. Yeah. I'm going to New Zealand. All right.

That's my country. Oh, that's a good case. Is it because of the Lord of the Rings? No, it really isn't. It's just beautiful. How do you know it's so beautiful lord of the ring no well when all this uh pandemic stuff was going on you know they were they were keeping it on lockdown over there on their island well it's because it's like three square feet it is pretty

small the fjord lands over there oh they're beautiful i love a good fjord um man i'm i'm i'm really torn here between going what's a fjord Jason a fjord is like a where the water comes into the the walls of the yeah I mean if you watch YouTube I can see my words aren't quite but the the where water comes into a land and there's walls up around the land. I think there is a defining trait. You could have described it like the worst. But I know you know what I mean. But yet it was perfect. Yeah, I mean.

He described it with his hands. Listen to my hands. I'm pretty sure there's something with a glacier involved. I don't think there has to be a glacier. There doesn't have to be, but that is very common. Mike is correct. No, that is primarily unusually. So that is primarily unusually.

In geology, a fjord is a long, narrow inlet with steep sides or cliffs created by a glacier. No. A long, narrow, deep inlet of a sea between high cliffs. Yep. And then usually. Typically formed. Boom. In your face, Al Borland. Typically formed with a glaciated valley, but not necessary.

Oh, man. I feel like that was brutal what I just did to him. I feel like that was, when you go typically, you could have only given him a 20% insult, and that felt like 120%. The fjords down in New Zealand are not all made by glaciers. That's why I know that. I'm living in a fjord down under. All right.

Where are you guys going? Jason, do you want to become a Frenchman? Nope. Take the food. Don't underestimate the French food. Oh, I did not think about it. Oh, okay. Well, done deal.

I'm going to Italy. Yeah. The food brought me to my homeland. I am a carb master. I will be at home there. And, you know, you always see those pictures of those, like, really, really, really overweight, you know, like, almost like a a boss like a mob boss almost but like not just in families and they're like revered i don't know if that's true but it's in pictures

and i can get i don't know if that's a really insensitive character i can get there with enough carbs so i'm going to italy for sure mike i'm going to japan sure. Mike? I'm going to Japan. Ooh. That was where I was between. Man, I have- The tech. The tech that just- I just bought a- Look, one of the things that I love, which is completely irrational, and I have nowhere to put them, but coffee table books are my jam.

Really? Oh, man. A good photography coffee table book. Like the Salmon Way? Yeah? Oh, man. A good photography coffee table book. Like the Salmon Way? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I have to fight all urges to not buy all the coffee table books that interest me. They're great.

Oh, they are the absolute freaking best. We got a new birthday present idea. Yeah, there you go. Put it down. But I just bought a photographer went and did Tokyo at night. And it's like most of them are in the rain. So it full on looks like Blade Runner. I was going to say cyberpunk.

And it's just like, but it's real. This is a real place that people live. Interesting. And it's outstanding. And I'm terrified to go there because I'm a coward of the language barrier. But someday, someday Tokyo, I'm coming. Do you have a genre of the language barrier. But someday, someday in Tokyo, I'm coming. Do you have a genre of coffee table books? Like you like geographic pictures or anything?

It could be a sports photography. It's stuff that I'm interested in. So I have like so many, you know, history of video games and just in a place that I like or that I want to visit, I take, I get, you know, like Tokyo. And I bought a, how to pronounce it, but I think Seoul in South Korea. Seoul. I apologize on the pronunciation.

It's Seoul. But I bought one of there. And just places that are like. Interesting. Anything that's interesting to me, if you put it in a coffee table book. You're in. I'm in. Oh, I'm in.

I don't even have a coffee table to put them well you should get one yeah or get the get the kramer one the one that's got the two legs on and it's a coffee table book about coffee tables yes um trevor from the website 30 of the world's population is competing to find you right now holy crap they have 30 days if they find you the finder receives a million dollars if they don't find you you get the million crap. They have 30 days. If they find you, the finder receives a million dollars. If they don't find you, you get the million dollars. What is your plan? This is full on the running man. Okay. What's your plan?

30%. A lot of people are looking for it. That is a lot of people. Do I get a head start, Al? I mean, or am I like... You have to get a head start. Otherwise, we're... I mean, there's four other people in this room, so done. So 30% of the world population. What are we up to?

What are we up to with the population? Probably eight or nine billion. Ten billion? Owl's vetting it right now. Let's call it two and a half billion people are coming after you right now. Holy crap, that's a lot of people. So let's give ourselves a week. We get a week to prepare.

Okay. Because a month to be found by everyone is tough. There's two problems here. There's one where it's like I know where I'd want to be, but then there's the problem of do I leave a trace of myself getting there? Like I would say I'd love to be in a remote cave, right? And I bring supplies, and I find a cave, and I'm in the middle of it. That's a lot of supplies to have to bring there.

A month? Yeah, a month. But I think I could get it it. That's a lot of supplies to have to bring there. A month? Yeah, a month. But I think I could get it done. I got one of those little emergency tote bins. I got a rollie backpack. But how do I not? I mean, out of that 2.5 billion people, there are a lot of police officers and investigators. There are people that know how to find people.

And I don't know how I'm going to get to the cave without leaving tracks. So I'm going to drop something on the way. Well, that's going to be difficult with anything, right? Unless you're staying at home, in which case that's a new problem, which is you're at your house. Wherever we go. Can I stay on a plane for 30 days? I think it'll run out of gas. I mean, a grounded plane, sure.

You can hide in a grounded plane. I know where I'm going, though. I'm going on a boat. I'm taking a boat out on the water. And there's a new problem there which is I pray after a month I can find my way back because there's a chance I just die at sea. No, you hope they find you.

20 days in you're like, I'd give a million dollars to be found right now. Yes, 31 days in and the radio SOS messages come on, the flares go up. Find me. I'm just trying to picture you on a what how are your boat skills my boat skills are pretty good if it is motor a motorboat with with plenty of gasoline extra i going to need extra to refill that. Do you know how to refill a boat with gas?

That I'm positive I can figure out. I know I can. Okay. And I'm going to need it to be pretty large. But the larger it is, the harder it is to maneuver. But I only go one direction, which is away from land. And then eventually I'll drop anchor and people can't find me out in the water that's my plan i was gonna say how are you you're dying at sea i thought maybe you would just get on the ocean end up just running aground right across the way like in four

days yeah i mean this is my best chance to not be found it is not my best chance to stay alive and that wasn't what the question was okay mike, Mike, do you have any thoughts here? My first thought was the sewer. Ooh, go where nobody wants to go. I mean, the supplies. You're asking me if I can handle a cave, and you're like, no, no, no. No, no. Let's go where they poop.

Supplies are definitely a problem. Getting them down to the sewer, fresh water. Oh, they keep coming. The supplies keep coming to you. Just nonstop. Oh, my first thought was the sewer. But I feel like if you go into the sewer, no one's going to find you there. No, they're not.

No, they're not. Oh, my God. Except the Ninja Turtles. Yeah, the Turtles might. See, there's pizza. There's tons of pizza down there somewhere. If there was, like, still K-Marts and stuff, I would have gone there because no one's coming to there. All right.

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Draft. You reminded me of another coffee table book I just picked up. Another one you just picked up? I just picked it up. Just now? No, it's Abandoned Shopping Malls. Oh, that'd be cool. I grabbed a photographer, went out and did Abandoned Shopping Malls and Abandoned

Theme Parks. I've seen that coffee table book. Oh my gosh. It's actually rare. It's hard to find. It was really easy on Amazon. One click. One click and it showed up. It is fascinating. I liked's hard to find. Oh, it was real easy on Amazon. Oh, okay. All right. One click. One click and it showed up. But it is fascinating. I liked that earlier.

I was like, what kind do you like? Just things I'm really interested in. It's like abandoned shopping malls. Yeah. You didn't know that about me? He did the Columbia House for the coffee table books. So he got 13 coffee table books for a dollar. But he's got to buy 10 coffee table books for $600.

I know where I'm going. Abandoned shopping mall. The sewer. The sewer. All right. We are drafting animated characters to help you with a bank heist. Okay. So Jason, you are up first.

Good luck to you. Thank you. I think there are two like great picks. Interesting. I think there are two that are that are that are pretty much home runs really helpful for your team there is some chance that i think the second one comes back to me so that's why i'm going to default even though it might be a better pick i don't know i'm going right at the top i need the strength i need the muscle okay i need the invulnerability and i like the dude it's mr incredible i'm taking the dad of

the supers i mean yeah that that's a good pick that vault door what vault door right rip yeah he's he is i will tell you this he is not subtle no no no no no he's not they are gonna know what you're doing but he will protect you took a superhero that is right i took your first pick i i took an animated it's an animated character that's right that's right i took uh mr incredible yeah i'm fine with it okay uh i'm taking optimus prime okay optimus prime i need a getaway vehicle and some uh it So I'm taking Optimus Prime from the Transformers series who can get me out of there. I mean, now, typical getaway vehicle is probably not a big rig,

but I'm going to steal a lot of money. It is. I'm going to steal a lot of money, and I need the big rig. If your big rig can also shoot the people trying to chase you. It's pretty conspicuous. Yeah. How fast can he actually go? That's a good question.

I think 10,000 miles an hour. As a big rig? Now, here's the real question. So this is a getaway vehicle, which is great. Important for a bank heist. Slash, you know, muscle. But I don't think he can fit in the bank. Like, I don't think he can get in.

I literally don't think he can get in that bank. Well, he's't think he can get in. I literally don't think he can get in that bank. Well, he's the getaway. I think he's going to get in one way or another. He's going in the back. He's the getaway car and the getaway driver, though. That's all he does. He just waits. Right.

That's how I see it. But he's very strong. I think he can break into the bank. No, we have an update here from Al Borland, who says that the top speeds for Optimus Prime would be about 124 miles per hour. I'm fine with it. That's way higher than I thought it would be. But that's just top speed.

I'm just thankful I didn't draft the transformer equivalent of a lawnmower in this situation. So I thought that was a little outside the box there with Optimus Prime. It is a little bit, but I mean, there was, isn't there one that turns into a fighter jet? Optimus is a leader. I need a leader. I need somebody that's going to come in. There's a lot that you get with Optimus. That's why he's number one.

In the end, Optimus always wins, right? That's one of the good things about... Not necessarily a big bank robber. Right. We both took good guys, which is an issue. We're just going to say that they are fine. He'll talk us out of the robber. Right. Like, we both took good guys. Right. Which is an issue. We're just going to say that they are fine robbing. He'll talk us out of the bank robbery. Right.

That's a problem. It is. Like, Mr. Incredible is going to arrest me as soon as he helps me rob this bank. All right. With my first pick. Don't do it, Mike. Well, I'm not going to take who you want here. Well, I'm not going to take who you want here.

I honestly feel like I could get this person with my fourth pick just knowing who I am drafting with, and I don't believe you guys have actually watched this show. But in respect for the character, I'm going to take him first anyways. I will take Rick Sanchez from Rick and Morty, and now I'm just educating you guys on who Rick is, essentially the smartest being in the world. We can jump from multiverse to multiverse, but there is absolutely nothing that Rick cannot handle. And I know you guys, I'm getting blank stares here and no audio feedback.

I'm sure it's great. But the people on Twitter will let you know that Rick Sanchez was the pick to go with. You're correct. Yeah. You could have waited until the fourth pick to get him. That is. Yeah, but I had to pay respect to the pick. So you're giving it, yeah.

Yes. All right. And then with my second pick, man, I also need, man, I got some, okay. I'm going to go, so he's my brains. I'm going to, like, the way I'm looking at this, I'm trying to construct a team. Okay. I mean, Andy's got his getaway driver. Yes, he has that.

So, and you have your muscle. Man. So, whatever. I'm going to take the muscle here anyway. So, I got the brains. I got the leader of the operation. I'm going to take someone who's invincible. So I got the brains. I got the leader of the operation. I'm going to take someone who's invincible. He's kind of a big dummy.

So look, if things go south, I could probably pin. He could be my patsy. I'm going to take the tick. Oh, man, did I love the tick? The tick is fantastic. Yes, thank you. Now, I know he's showed up in non-animated spots, but as far as I know, he was a cartoon character first. Maybe he was a comic book, but I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. He definitely was a cartoon. There are no rules. Yeah, we were talking about I don't want it to be a comic book, but I thought he was a cartoon character. I don't care. Okay, perfect.

The tick is fun. I don't care. I'm taking it. And he's animated, and we'll let you have it. We're a loving group today. Let's go. Today only. All right.

So it's back to me. That is correct. You've got one chance to stop my 102 from getting back to me. Well, look, there's a. It's Mrs. Incredible, by the way. Apparently. No, I want to be the person that drafted this guy twice in the last like month and a half so i'm going with inspector gadget i'm taking inspector gadget again why are we going

back to inspector gadget you don't understand how much utility he brings to the table yeah i mean you need to get into the bank vault i promise you he can get into the bank if you need to get into the bank vault the last thing you're doing is getting into the bank vault. If you need pliers, you are getting a blowtorch from Inspector Gadget. There's plenty. You're saying because he's a little bit clumsy and a little bit goofy. He does everything wrong. How does it end up at the end?

At the end? Well, wait, wait, wait. Do you also get his- Do you get Penny and Brain? Do you get Penny and Brain? No, you do not. I've got Optimus Prime leading Inspector Gadget. I'm just fine.

Wait, Owl's with you? Owl, you think the one on one? You're done right. Yeah, I would have drafted him first. That is such a bad pick. Now, here's the thing. You're my man. I totally understand people liking that pick,

but for anybody that thinks all the Gidgets and Gasmos are plenty that you're going to get, you need to go watch the show again. You just don't remember. It's like drafting MacGruber to get out of a bomb situation. No, it is not. Yes, it is. Inspector Gadget may be a little bit of a character.

Inspector Gadget gets absolutely nothing correct. That's the gag. That's the whole character. That is the show, that this guy with all these tools. What other superhero are you drafting next? All right, baby. I'm so excited. Wait, are you getting the kid? The kid from Incredibles? Well, I feel like because

I've got the dad, I can get the rest of the family with one pick. Is that not? That's not correct. No, no. Look, I'm going to quote Jason just so that the world knows. He said no animated superheroes before the draft. Yeah. And then he drafted an animated superhero with his first pick.

After we discussed specifically. I was not a part of that discussion. I can promise you that. All right. So, no. That's a good way to get us off the trail, though. No drafting this. I take it.

That is a classic Jason move. Yeah, it is. this. I'll take it. That is a classic Jason Moon. This is what could have been the one-on-one because when you want to truly steal something break, you know, you need a little bit of supervillain. You need the gadgets and the gizmos. Okay. And I'm going to take a guy, you know, who tried to steal the moon. I'm taking Gru. Okay. Who I love. I think that's a good pick. I absolutely... Who? Hello. Hello. Oh, I see.

I see. Gru is... I thought it was Groot for a second. I am Groot. No. No. G-R-U. Gru.

I love those movies. Those are some of my favorite animated movies in recent memory. All right. So I'm back up, right? You are. All right, I was prepared with Gru. And now you're unprepared. And now I'm going to look.

Hello. Hello. All right, I'm going to take, so I've got the muscle, I've got the gadgets. Now I'm going to take the brain, okay? And I'm going with a little guy who he will do what it takes he's pretty ruthless dopey stewie stewie okay i'm taking the he has a baby though yeah he is a baby so you're aware who's gonna suspect the baby mike well he has a talking baby. He's smart enough to not talk in the right

situation. As long as he doesn't have to reach up at the bank vault handle. No, that's why I got my muscle. Mr. Incredible is going to be bossed around by Stewie Griffin. Okay. All right. Is it my pick? Yes. I'm taking Pikachu. To short circuit anything?

My team is the best team that has ever been drafted you're taking pikachu i'm taking pikachu you don't think pikachu could take care of the guards or do you get are you going regular or detective pikachu i'm going regular pikachu he controls lightning he does a little bit he'll keep everybody in line get on the floor oh so he's he's the enforcement he's the enforcer okay he takes out the guards i wasn't sure if we were trying to use that electricity to get in the vault no no no except he's not saying get on the floor he's going pika pika pika it's just him shouting they're not getting on the floor after he's pika pika and then boom bam they get you know look he has to break a few after he's... Pika, pika, pika, pika, pika, pika, pika, pika. And then boom, bam, they get...

Look, he has to break a few eggs. He's going to get... And then someone's getting electrocuted. Wait, why did Pikachu just electrocute that guy? Pika! I don't need him to get into the vault because Inspector Gadget's got that, okay? So I've got the classic Optimus Prime, Inspector Gadget, Pikachu trio. Oh, saw that coming a mile away.

I'm going to be honest. Yep. All right. Back to you, Mike. Okay. I know one pick for sure. Great. So I'll just get that one out of the way as I try and stall for time

and figure out the other pick here. I need to get away. Like I said, I'm trying to construct a team, a foundational team. Everyone's got a job. You think anyone's catching us when my driver is Speed Racer? Probably not. It sounds good. Have you guys ever watched a cartoon in your life?

Yep. Let me Google it and make sure. Oh, my gosh, man. Look, on paper, he sounds terrific. Is he pretty fast? Very fast. Then he would probably win a race. He's a racer, and he's very speedy.

Okay. I've just never seen him, Mike. Yeah, I've never either. But that's not really your fault. You've seen it. Uncultured swine. I am surrounded by you. Al, did you really enjoy that show?

Oh, Al has never seen Speed Racer. Never seen it. Okay. Brooks, you've seen it. i nodded as he made thank you brooks at least one person has some smarts so he's not going inside though speed racers clearly waiting on the outside yeah look i'm just saying optimus prime could come inside i'm just optimist we've been over this he cannot come inside or the whole bank is coming down it depends you guys are thinking of movie Optimus Prime. How big is... Cartoon Optimus Prime's not that big, is he? He's a semi-truck.

He has to at least be the size of a semi-truck. No, no, no, no, no, no. If you know Optimus Prime, he's just the front of the semi-truck converted. The back is always separate. Wait, what? When you bought the toy, the front's the part that converted to the person. Not the whole back. That was the play set.

All right. It looks like Speed Racer aired from January 9th, 1997 to September 25th, 1997. So it's a huge hit. People like Speed Racer. The couple months of 1997? Yeah. Okay. Now, in fairness, the original run went from 1966 to 1968.

There you go. You uncultured swathes. Then they rebooted it for three months. You haven't watched the 60s show that had a good, solid couple of months in 1997. Okay. Go Speed Racer, go. That does sound familiar. It makes sense for the getaway driver.

He's going to be a good driver. I believe it. I'm taking Lucy for my little Lucy. All right, you're up, Mike. Okay, with my final- Final pick. Rick Sanchez, the Tick Speed Racer. This is going to be a close vote.

I can tell you right now. I'm looking at this and I don't know who's going to win. I don't, I only have muscle left on my list. I've run out of picks for good jobs here. So can I tempt you with gadget hackering? What? Who is that? Gadget?

Oh, gadget from, from the rescue range. Look, I don't need to be distracted on the job. Oh, I remember Gadget now. I've got to be focused. Oh, that goes way back. Look, I am going to take the Iron Giant. Oh, okay. So you and Andy will both have that same problem.

We both have a giant robot problem, but in case I have to fight Optimus Prime, I have the Iron Giant. I was going to say, I don't see what the problem is if you have to break the bank a little bit to get the money out. Because you're inside of the bank. Yeah, I mean, it's going to be inconvenient. It's going to crumble upon you.

He's very tight in there. He's just balled up, just holding his knees. All right, I'm having a hard time deciding my final pick. I have a number of names that I think are interesting. Do I have enough intelligence on my team between Pikachu and Inspector Gadget? No.

Probably not. I need a plan and therefore I will go with the brain. From Pinky and the brain. The brain. I kind of thought Jason was going to go there. I did too when he said I need the brain. I would have, but he was recently drafted, and I was trying to go with some new hotness, which was Stewie Griffin, apparently.

It's the new hotness. Okay, so I'm going with the Brain as my final. We need a plan. The new hotness actually would be Rick Sanchez, just so you know. That's fair. If I watched it, I'm sure you're right. All right, final pick of the draft. All right. Oh, man. That's fair. If I watched it, I'm sure you're right. All right. Final pick of the draft.

All right. Oh, man. Bring it down. Bring it down. Flush it. You're the one flush of the day. Wait, did Mike make both of his picks? Yeah, he took the Iron Giant. Yeah, he Speed Racer and the Iron Giant.

Wait, did you not put Speed Racer down? We forgot all about Speed Racer again. So did the rest of the world. It's nice when all four of your picks could have been the fourth pick. That's not true. The tick might have got drafted. He was not on my list, but man, I love the tick. I love the show.

I loved the cartoon growing up. That was one of my favorites. All right. I've got a list of a lot of different ways I could go here. But for some reason, I think Pikachu really threw me off here. Blastoise? Well, just needing the crowd control. Crowd control is right.

Needing the crowd control. Now, again, I think you're going to have a problem because Pika is not good English. Yeah. But Yosemite Sam is going to be out there. You're drafting Yosemite Sam is going to be out there you're drafting Yosemite Sam? I mean how do you rob a bank without your six shooters? you gotta be a

you drafted Yosemite Sam? yes yes I did a lot of the people on my list are all brains and muscle I didn't have control I wanted crowd control here he's a little He's a little You could have gone with Bugs Bunny. He's a little out

of control. Bugs Bunny doesn't have shooters? Yeah, Yosemite Sam's got a gun. Yeah, that's the point. The point is he's got the little pop out. Okay, this draft went nowhere I expected. Nowhere at all. I'm ashamed to tell you, Mike, I had Yosemite Sam on the list. What are you... It's a good pick!

It's not! How is that not a good pickemite Sam on the list. What are you... It's a good pick! It's not! How is that not a good pick? It was on the list. Along with, I was very close. We can do honorable mentions now? Sure, yeah. So Jason's final team, just to read through it. Mr. Incredible, Gru, Stewie Griffin, Yosemite Sam, Mike has Rick Sanchez, The Tick, Speed Racer, and the Iron Giant, and I have Optimus Prime,

Inspector Gadget, Pikachu, and the Brain. Okay. Alright, who are your honorable mentions, Andy? I, for the sake of integrity of this draft, I did and the brain. Okay. All right. Who were your honorable mentions, Andy? For the sake of integrity of this draft, I did not draft the genie. But I feel like he was on my list, but I did not as well. We all showed that level of self-control. Yes. He's been drafted before.

Darkwing Duck, was that in consideration to anybody? Oh, that's a great pick. I did not have him on my list. Very nice. And then Looney Tunes-wise, I thought about the Tasmanian Devil to kind of stir things up a little bit. See, that's way better than Yosemite Sam. Rip right in.

But he can't control the crowd. He can rip into the vault, but I've already got the vault open when Mr. Incredible. A tornado just sucks everything in. Alright, who's left on your list, Mike? So I also went, I tried to, you know, stay away from other picks that i've i've made in the past but like goku one punch man yeah it was just like i know i want to i want to go

somewhere else try to be fun uh but i did have i had he-man on my list but i don't know okay i don't know what he-man would have done uh and then that's a good one and for my last pick where i was really torn between the iron giant and Stitch from Lilo and Stitch. Interesting. My son loves Stitch. He's he's a bit of a wild card. I had I had some more brain options. Perry the platypus.

Oh, that's that'd be a great hero from Big Hero six and Jimmy Neutron. Like, you know, for for all the brain. Yes. And then for my for my muscle i had uh wreck it ralph and sully on there wreck it ralph like who's getting into the vault better than wrecking ralph nobody that's all he does right he's gonna wreck it he's gonna wreck it that's what he does mama named him well all right um moving on what did we learn today? Oh, I know. I learned something.

I learned that Mike loves coffee book. Oh, yeah. Coffee book tables? Coffee table books? Which way do you say that? Coffee book tables. Thank you. Perfect. Perfect. Coffee book tables. He loves them. I learned that Speed Racer debuted

in 1966 through 1968. Yeah, and I didn't learn it because I've already known, but I've just, it's just reminded. Uncultured swine everywhere I look in this studio. I didn't know Speed Racer was on the list of culture. I think there's uncultured swine across the nation and globe now. Thank you for tuning in, everybody. We'll see you next time.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Hey, Spitwats. The show's over, but this is what's called a post-roll ad. Mmm. Oh, sounds awesome. Behind the scenes. It's our opportunity to basically sneak into your ears with a message because you left the podcast running in the, and you didn't turn it off or go to the

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