Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 149: Half Court Gambling & Things To Fill A Pool With - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 10, 2021

On today’s show we talk about basketball competitions, being completely hairless, and drinking from a baby bottle. Liar, Liar is also back by popular demand. Tune in to find out who was victorious. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube

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It's the spit ballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. You're feeling cool. Take a poop in the pool hey so much i was so wrong with that because welcome to the spitball mike was giggling he was before he was so happy with where this was about to go i couldn't wait you not happy? I couldn't wait to find out and then I'm, because I'm cool

I'm pooping in a pool? That is correct. Why do we have to poop? Can't we, we're not taking a dip? What? No, that's for schmucks. I am a schmuck. I've just never seen somebody so happy with themselves before a scat. You never thought of a poop joke

right before you told it? That's what it was for you. mean you made eye contact you're like just wait for this oh i i didn't say that that was for me that's all for you uh episode 149 of the spitballers podcast guys almost 150 episodes almost and if you've never tuned in that opening should tell you everything you need to know about this podcast. Yeah, we will upload that as our trailer for the show. We will upload the download, if you know what I mean. Now that we've hit 149 episodes, let's start deleting. Okay, Al?

Can we delete your least favorite 50 or so? On it. Okay. It'll be hard to narrow down. They're all pretty great. Oh. It's like you get paid to say that uh would you rather liar liar and a pool related draft on today's show liar liar is back oh man i i forgot we were doing liar have we beat al no i was going to oh i ruined you

someone gave me some bad advice. This is the one. You feeling it? Feeling real good. Would this be bad for Al's health, though? Because he's got some surgery coming up next week. That's right. And the mental state is a big part of recovery.

That's true. So if he's reeling from a defeat. Well, I'm sorry for what we're about to do yeah i am so sorry for your recovery being much more difficult another day's hospital bills or something that's rough hope you got good insurance let's get into the show would you rather? Let's get into the show. This is the best way to get into it. Would you rather from Colton on the website, would you rather have a single attempt at a layup for 100,000

or a three-pointer for one million? I feel like an attempt at a layup, and I'm not saying people have never missed layups. I'm not saying I've never missed layups. I'm not saying I've never missed a layup. Okay. You missed a lot of layups. I've missed my fair share of layups, but I feel like that's a gimme. I mean, this is just, this is empty court, right? This is, this isn't like in a game. That's a gimme. A layup's a gimme. Yeah. This question hits a lot different for the three of us. Okay. A layup is most certainly not a gimme for you.

No. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Even a standing still layup? It's not a gimme. Okay. If you gave me a standing still layup, I'm making 100 of 100. No joke. I will make 98 out of 100.

I'll make 70 plus. Okay. 70%. How many out of 103s are you making? Oh, 20? Maybe? 15? Okay. plus okay 70 how many out of 100 threes are you making oh uh 20 maybe 15 okay i'm taking the three yeah that's that's what i'm saying is it's not a gimme for me so i might as well just take the if you take a shot at the problem is is the the taking the gimme so to speak the layup and missing is humiliation of the oh you should pay $100,000 if you miss that shot because that's how bad you're going to feel.

Now, you take the three, you miss. It's still – I mean, the best NBA three-point shooters make under 50% from the three-point arc. That's an inactive game, though. Have you ever seen them warm up? No, you're right. They make about 95%. They make about all of their shots.

They're really good at basketball. I mean, there will be pressure on this shot, but you will have as much time as you need to take it. Have you ever experienced anything remotely close to do this simple activity, and if you get it right, you're going to get $100,000? It doesn't have to be $100,000, but have you ever had that level of pressure to do something that you consider a menial task? Not really, although I will say this.

I have won multiple half-court shootouts at live events. Define live event. Where you pay like going to a basketball game for a school event. So like a high school game? Sure. And then they say, all right, $5. Everybody who wants to take a half court shot, put in $5, $10. What?

This sounds like gambling. You've never heard this before. No, because it's illegal. It's gambling. You pay $10, everybody gets a half court shot, and then whoever makes the half court shot splits the pot. That's gambling. Don't tell.

This is happening at the schools? No, no, no. It's called a half court shootout. Oh, okay. For money. And I'm just saying, I've won a couple of those. So the pressure's been on. The crowd's been watching.

And then, of course. The gaming commission has his eyes on it. Do you go baseball or chest shot? That's not. He goes basketball. What are you talking about? Eyes on it. Do you go baseball or chest shot? He goes basketball shot. What are you talking about? Well, no. Some people do the baseball throw.

Yeah, some people who don't play basketball. Yeah, I just do a normal shot. Nobody who grew up playing basketball is going to half court and throwing this thing like a football or a baseball. Nobody. Probably not. But I'm just saying I've made a couple. How many half court gambling

events have you won jason i have one so it's not gambling if the crowd they choose you from the crowd to win something it's gambling if you put the 10 bucks in right because you're betting to be able to win it's a charity event though it's like a 50 50 raffle you go to the you go to the uh diamondbacks game okay you put in the money half of it goes to charity half goes to the Diamondbacks game. Okay. You put in the money. Half of it goes to charity. Half goes to the maker of the shot. Yeah, I don't. Yeah, I assume that's gambling. It's half gambling. I've always felt like.

It's a fundraiser. I've always felt like there is a very thin line of those 50-50 raffles. I'm like, wait, I can do this. But you're saying like I can't. It's all a farce. It's like the whole lottery. Save the schools. Save the schools.

But you can't win if you don't play. That's right. Anyways, what was the question? I'm taking the million dollar shot. I think I've got a 50 50 chance of making it. So I'm just looking at probability here. I think it's 98 percent that I get the hundred thousand dollars. I think it's 25 percent that I get a million. And at those odds, I'm just taking that h hundo i'm taking the hundred thousand cash in hand look at you being practical okay yeah what if i told you it's a double rim oh like the uh like the infamous like a street street courts that don't want me to make it yes metal net metal net no the net doesn't matter oh i love a metal a metal net. You like the metal net. Oh, man. Growing up, I replaced my net on my hoop.

Shink, shink. This sounds fantastic. You replaced your home net with a metal net? Yes, sir. Because I scorched them. Didn't want them to catch fire. He wanted it to make the exact same sound when it went in as when it missed off the rim. So he always thought he made it.

But yeah, double rim. Does that make a difference for you? Oh, of course it does. Yeah, I ain't taking the double rim shot. I ain't going to the circus. The fair, the county fair here. Double rim shot layup is now 25%. Yeah, double rim's a problem.

And that's all for just vandalism. They just put those up there so nobody dunks away the rim. Try tearing this down. Triple rim. Keith from Patreon. dunks away the rim try tearing this down triple rim uh keith from patreon if you couldn't grow hair anywhere on your body would you rather be a man or a woman what wait what okay if you couldn't grow hair anywhere on your body would you rather be a man or a woman. So men can no longer grow mustaches or beards. Okay. Right.

You can't grow hair anywhere on your body. Are we just going to go head down? No, my point is women already don't grow mustaches and beards. Well, they try not to. Well, sure. Women, they would never have to shave, but they'd be bald. A woman's hair is maybe more important to them than a man's hair is. I don't know how important is your hair, Jason.

Not that important. I mean, look at me. It's more socially acceptable to be bald as a man. Jason, how important was your hair? Oh, yeah, that's a better question. I remember when I had- That one hurts a little bit more than the first question. Honestly, it's never been that important i've never had good hair like your hair mike is like naturally thick

and wavy it's got like some it's got some texture to it my hair is out of control i have to put it under this hat right because there's just too much of it too much fire my hair every strand has always been the thinnest it's's always been waiting to leave. Straightest. Yeah, it's like I'm just. He's got a bus ticket. I'm only here for a little while, man. They're renting. I don't need to be special up here.

I just, I'm, you know, putting out little strands and I'll be gone soon. So my hair's never really been that important to me. I think I would rather be a man. What is the most outrageous? What is the most outrageous hair you have ever had? Oh, that's easy. And not short, but like any type of length. So my most outrageous hair was when I went as Tobias for Halloween.

That's what I said. I want length of hair. You shaved your head. No, not for... I had the hair ring around the outside. Yeah, you had the horseshoe. Yeah, I had the horseshoe. I had to leave the... Have you ever had long hair of any kind? No. No, never. Not even like... The longest

hair I ever had was when JTT had that middle split down the front and it just kind of laid a little bit down towards the ears. That's the longest hair I've ever had was when JTT had that middle split down the front and it just kind of laid a little bit down towards the ears. That's the longest hair I've ever had. What about you, Andy? What's the longest your hair has ever been? It's the same story. It's the

middle part. It's the stupid middle. And I had the whitest hair as a kid. It's translucent like a jellyfish. I put this middle It was your tentacles? The middle part, white hair, and with glasses the size of Canada. I looked like the- And I was five foot tall.

I was a hideous creature. I mean this with all of my heart. I mean, just physically, you are such a nerd. You nerd. Little tiny nerd over there with his big old glasses, his tiny little body. It's funny because you're bald and you have glasses now. Yeah, and now I'm short and you're tall. Something about a tiny body there.

I'm a nerd. Matt from the website, would you rather drink a bottle of hot sauce or a bottle of soy sauce? drink a bottle of hot sauce or a bottle of soy sauce. So that's tough because the soy sauce, that's the saltiest product we know of, right? That's the saltiest thing that exists on the planet. Liquid salt. I mean, other than physical salt. It's delicious.

It is delicious. Other than hard salt, this is liquid salt. Other than Flavacol. Boom. Yeah, that's- But even that, I mean, it's like- Oh, that's saltier than salt. At least I'd pass out halfway through that. No, soy sauce is so salty.

Hot sauce, I feel like I could drink a higher quantity. There's a penalty, though. Oh, yeah. You mean before and after. Yes. So I think you've got to go with the soy sauce. I feel like the soy sauce is going to raisin' you all up. You're going to be completely out of...

You're going to look like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade. Exactly. Dehydration immediately. You've chosen poorly and your whole body shrivels up. At least hot sauce is more delicious. I love soy sauce. Salt water is great. But I do think there's more flavor in hot sauce.

It's like if we can pick our favorite hot sauce here to drink a bottle of. New little mini question here. Which hot sauce would you pick? Oh, Frank's. Well, no. Ooh, that's the problem. Right. Because I love Frank's.

No, no, no. Because I love Frank's. But I feel like if I drink a whole bottle of Frank's, we will no longer be friends. Yeah. because of what Frank has done to to my body yeah that's the you're gonna have a bad situation and you're gonna look down on Frank's see I I think I would go Cholula okay because it's good flavor and it's not that spicy I don't want like maybe I want something spicier if I'm eating it in a you know a normal manner but if I gotta drink a whole bottle, an actually hot hot sauce

would just destroy me. I can't do that. So Cholula would be my answer. I'm going hot sauce. I'm going soy. I'm going soy. Working through that, I realize I really don't want to drink a bottle of hot sauce. Speaking of bottles, would you rather, this is from Brent, would you rather wear a diaper for the rest of your life

or only be able to drink out of a baby bottle for the rest of your life? Oh, man. Now, the diaper, I think we at least have some benefits where, look, we've all been on that road trip we've all been desperate for i've been there you've been there with me oh we've we've all been desperate the older i get the more i'm there yeah and not just that so you you have that built in but uh i like i have these tiny uh uh chicken legs yeah we've talked we've been talking about that. A lot of people have. My rump,

there's little ump to the rump. It's a rimp. Thank you. You've got to take one of the lines off of the U and that describes what I have. If I'm wearing a diaper, you're thinking you're packing some meat. I've got a little badonkadonk. I've got butt implants.

This is a problem for me. I've got some junk in the trunk. So now I'm like – You're blasting off. I got to call my friends before I come over and say – You have a room. What's your doorway? You have to close the U. Yeah.

A room. You know, how wide is your doorway? Can I come over? Do you have a sliding glass door? No matter what size your rump or rimp or whatever, you're making the diaper sound. I mean, the diaper sound, the walk. And then somebody stops to hear it, and you stop moving. What are we listening for?

Did you hear that? I did. I heard something. What was that? So, I mean, you hear that? I did. I heard something. What was that? So, I mean, you've got, I mean. Just a nice sit down. But I mean, it's a little bit, it's also going to be pretty emasculating, you know, if I'm sitting down for a, like a business meeting and I have to drink out of a baby bottle.

Like, now, sir sir I think I deserve that promotion here's the thing I'll have another two percent I can go to a business meeting and not have a drink I can I can go without the water I might you know worst case scenario i got some dry mouth i'm you know struggling but i'm gonna be okay the diaper the walk the sound and i don't know what the rules are meeting you're not getting up and you don't have to go to the bathroom i don't know what the rules are here but i know that if i had to wear a diaper all the time like i did magical rule you that your wardrobe is diapers i'm not using it. Never? Never.

Never? I mean, obviously, if there's an emergency, I'd be happy. But today, there's only been one of those. So that's once that I would be happy. It was one time. It was one time. Dang it, I wish I had a diaper. But outside of that, like, I would be going to the bathroom, and then I'd be pulling down my diaper to go to the restroom in a toilet because I don't want to walk around in my excrement.

Call me crazy. Not again. Yeah. Fool me once. How often do I get a change? Whenever you want. So you can change every single time you make a duty. Now, this is a really important question, Al, and I need the answer.

Is this a high-flow nipple on this bottle? That is important. Or am I just like a... No, you're sipping on it. So this is taking me forever to drink anything. Oh, it's gated. Yep. Oh, man.

Those go really slow. Low flow. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to wear the diaper. I need to be able to guzzle down, you know, some drinks. Soy sauce. Some soy sauce. Oh, man. That's legitimately the biggest problem.

Because you can put anything in a baby bottle, and that's fine. It's your thing. You mean the guy that drinks everything from the baby bottle? No. Your thing is not you use a baby bottle. But it's an issue if you can't actually drink from it. Right. Like, it takes a baby sucking on that

thing like 10 minutes to get half of a bottle down it's not like you can really go that much faster you can't go faster than a baby i don't think so they're i mean they're how how fast can it you know go out of that little tiny hole it's only one way to find out all right let's order some baby bottles. Alright, we got time for one more or do you want to get into Liar Liar there? We got time for one more. Okay. He doesn't want to be squashed just yet.

Squid Squad from the website. Would you rather only be able to watch TV shows or only be able to watch movies for the rest of your life? I feel like this was... I feel like we answered something like this before. That's right. I'm a TV show guy. I need bite-sized chunks. I want to be able to just, you know.

I'm not going to go back. I don't go back to movies. If I start a movie and I have to get up and do something, I just don't go back to it. I like movies more than I like TV shows. But I watch TV shows more than I watch movies. So this is really tough because there's just. What do you like more? What do you do more? Yeah watch movies. So this is really tough because there's just... What do you like more?

What do you do more? Yeah. Yeah, because, you know, there's, you know, one TV show can be seven seasons, and, you know, it's just a matter of time, right? Like, I can watch that longer than a two-hour movie, and you're done. So I feel like I've got to keep the TV shows,

but I'm devastated here to lose movies because movies are like... They're better. Yes, 100%. They're better. Movies are better. Movies are amazing. Movies are like... They're better. Yes, 100%. They're better. Movies are better. Movies are amazing. Movies are like...

Have you seen how long they are? Did you know that you can pause them? Andy very much knows that you can pause movies. Yeah, but how do you know where to pause if you're asleep? That is your problem. If I had a sensor that would auto-pause when it detected my circadian rhythm beginning. So you don't know that moment?

No. Where, like. No, I doze. I got like a 20-minute doze sesh where I've got little vague memories of what's happening. Because I go. You have a moment where you're falling asleep? Well, I have the process where it's you lay down or you're kind of sitting in the bed because i do movies every night before i go to sleep slowly the body just naturally goes to a more reclined position

and eventually i'll hit the point where i'm closing my eyes yeah and oh no i'm just gonna listen i'm just gonna listen to what's going on and then you realize this is ridiculous why am i watching a movie so you have the wherewithal to hit the old pause button well i just turned the tv off it it automatically you guys know sleep's a little bit better when it's still running really you think sleep is better when there's sleeps a little bit better if you're doing something naughty like falling asleep in the middle of a movie oh man it's. It's a little bit naughty. I'm not supposed to be falling asleep right now, but I'm doing it. This director would be so upset with me.

Yeah. I'm not supposed to go to sleep on the couch. But I'm doing it. You can't stop me. The sleep feels so good right now. I'm going movies, man. I want the auto detection that will pause for me

that's what I want you want like glasses that you wear well no just if my eyes are closed for more than I don't know two seconds

it pauses yeah that would work right that would work not like every blink unless you do a really long blink then you're going to be annoyed yeah

two seconds is a good threshold two seconds when are your eyes closed for more than two seconds when you're not getting ready to sleep i you ever do the mic when you're when you're thinking hard that's a hard thing man i mean you you that's a one one one mississippi two mississippi you're the one i watch uh so when you're dozing off you're like you don't go to the i'm just gonna listen you go to the one eye i have i think i'll sleep on this side of my face yeah that's exactly why it's when you're when you're going on the side and like you're dozing off, you're like, I'm just going to listen. You go to the one eye. I have. I think I'll sleep on this side of my face. Yeah, that's exactly why.

It's when you're going on the side, and you're kind of just too smashed into the pillow for both eyes. You're like, I'll keep one eye on it. I've done that at someone's giving a talk, and I've gone one eye, and I know I'm dancing with the devil. A talk? Like someone in person giving you a talk? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Where I'm like, I don't want to fully fall asleep here, but I feel like I need to.

So I'm going to like, no one can see my left eye, so I'm going to sleep on that side. I'll tell you what I've definitely done with the pizza movie night with the kids. Oh, yeah. And that's Friday night. Sometimes the movie gets started a little bit late. I will go one eye. I'll keep the eye that they can see. Yeah.

I will keep that open. And I'm shutting off that they can see. I will keep that open. And I'm shutting off half my brain. Never gotten sunglasses inside, Mike? Daddy's watching. Oh, man. My eyes were dilated. All right, it's time for some Liar Liar. Hey, you.

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Down with out. Down with out. Three rounds. Liar, liar, two truths, one lie, never been done. Never defeated.

Al, no one has gone three and oh, against him. They say it can't be done. I say it will be done. We all have busy lives. We have things that we do with the footballers and the spit ballers. And we're, you know,

we're family men. The most important thing to Al in his entire life is beating us at this. So I'm not surprised that it happens. I know he has a child, but you don't see him much, do you? Nah, not anymore. See, not ever since Liar Liar came around. I just read the very first factoid here and it is delightful. I'm already thrown off.

I don't know if this is true or a lie, but it's an amazing factoid. and it is delightful i don't i'm already thrown i don't know if this is true or a lie but it's an amazing factoid oh great all right round one fact one there is a basketball court on the top floor of the supreme court named the highest court in the land so stupid fact two the term president was coined when the nation elected the first principal resident to rule in the highest capacity. What does that even mean? Yeah, exactly. Why?

The third fact is two thirds of Canada's population reside south of Seattle. That's a very high number. Two thirds. And I buy it. I buy it. Toronto, south of Seattle, right yeah and then the north of that country is very cold so yeah but there but there's like parts of canada that do come down and i think that the majority of i apologize canadians i know very little of your country

down south of arizona we don't know much yeah Yeah. But, I mean, like Toronto and Vancouver. Yeah. You know, places that we've heard of. Quebec. People live. Well, I don't know about Quebec. It's funny because you say that, and I would imagine, like, if we lived in Michigan or somewhere up north. You know, if you're in Diet Canada land, then that.

Diet Canada? Diet Canada. That's the top of the u.s given michigan away yeah um i feel like i would know more but if you ask me details about south america right now you know we're close to mexico i don't we're close to central america yeah see what are some of the what are some of the central american countries goodness grace mexico neil nope oh really no oh wow uh wait what i don't consider mexico part of central america is well central Goodness gracious. Mexico. Nailed it. Nope. Oh, really? No. Oh, wow. Wait, what?

I don't consider Mexico part of Central America. Well, Central America certainly does. Okay, new liar, liar factoid. What do you consider a part of? I consider it to be part of North America. North America? Yeah. Central America would be like, what, Guatemala, Honduras, Peru? I believe you're-

I don't know that. The technicality, because of continents, there's North America and South America. Yeah, and obviously there's not a Central America. But when you're breaking down the regions, you would call it Central. I nailed this one, by the way. Seven countries are part of Central America. Belize, Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala- Peru?

Honduras, Nicaragua, and Panama. Oh, I was so close. Panama? You said Panama, and I was Peru. No Mexico. I don't suck. We, two-thirds suck, so you suck too. That's two-thirds of Canada's population, south of Seattle.

What's the lie here? I mean, this basketball court shenanigans. It's absolutely nonsense. Did you guys know that there is a basketball hoop inside of the Matterhorn in Disneyland? I feel like that's a widely known... Is there hoops everywhere? Is that what this is? No, not in the Supreme Court.

Someone been hiding hoops all over the place? I'm locking it in. That's nonsense. There's no way that there's... It's funny. When it said on the top floor of the Supreme Court, I guess... Look, I'm going to let you in on my brain. I was like, there's... Is this the Supreme Court is like a tall building?

I don't know. They certainly have to meet somewhere. And who's using it? The people on the Supreme Court are all- Ruth Bader Dunksburg? Oh, nice. Well, so here's the problem. I think that's what I'm locking in as my line.

I'm worried we're all going to strike out here. If you guys want to lock that one in, I'll, for the sake of, I think the president wants to lie. Okay. All right. That's fine. It was a hogwash sentence, man. The term president was coined when the nation elected the first principal resident to rule

in the highest capacity. So there would essentially- Principal resident? Live in the White House, right? You were- Dang it. now it sounds more plausible are they saying that george georgie porgy was the principal resident and then we're like that's dumb let's we're we need to contract that yeah that's what i think he's trying to tell me that principal resident turned into president i buy it but wait the the White House was not built before. Correct.

So then he wouldn't have been the principal resident. He was the president before. But he might have been the principal resident of the country. He had to live somewhere. Yeah. Why does he have to live in the White House? All right, I'll lock that one in as a lie and take one for the team. All right, thank you.

You guys are both going basketball court? There's no basketball court. What if it's the third one and we're just losing right here? Oh, man. All right, what's the truth? You didn't take one for the team because you got it right. Oh, yes! The president was a lie, and the basketball court is a fact.

That's so dumb. Bam. What are you talking about? I'm still alive, baby. There is a basketball court? This is where our tax money is going? For 80-year-oldsolds geriatrics to have a hoop? How do you think that they've served so long?

Pickup games during lunch. Alright, round two. Oh my gosh, I'm looking at pictures. This is a full-fledged basketball court. An indoor sports court. Why are we building that? It's for the clerks. This sounds like something

Nixon did. Definitely Nixon. That's a real Nixon did. Yeah, definitely Nixon. That's a real Nixon move. He was a hoopster. All right, round two. A duck's quack does not echo, and no one knows why. Audiologists have confirmed the phenomenon, but cannot identify the specific sonic properties.

I believe that. I am very confident. The old trivia, neurons are firing that that one is true. It's hitting me too. Fact two, a single litter of kittens will often have multiple fathers. That is why a litter may often have varying characteristics. That's a hogwash lie. What?

Like distinct color differentiation. A single litter of kittens will often have multiple fathers. That would mean that there's multiple impregnations, and then they all come out in one litter? Yeah, I believe it. Okay. I mean, cats are floozies, so maybe. All right, third one.

Why are you getting cat shame right now? Have you ever met a cat before, Mike? If a female kangaroo is being chased by a predator and she has a joey in her pouch, she will throw the joey at the predator to increase her chances at escape. Oh, man. That is brutal. I respect it. Oh, man.

I respect it. We don't know what it's like to be chased down by a predator in Australia. I think I'm locking in the kittens being the lie. A single litter of kittens having multiple fathers. No. No, I say no to that. The duck one, I believe, and the female kangaroo throwing her, Joey. Look, nature's a – we've talked about Australia.

That's a wild place. It is. I just saw a video of the biggest spider that you've ever seen climbing out of a door handle. Oh, gosh! Of a door handle? Like a door handle to a car. It was hiding underneath it. Stop it!

And of course it's Australia. I'm serious. If you were a kangaroo in Australia, you'd throw your joeys all over the place to stay alive. You have a joey, You have a joey. That is such bad motherly instinct. Yeah, but kangaroos are on me, little animals. Aren't there animals that just eat their kids? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that happens. I think those are insects. I don't know of an animal. Are there any animals that do that? I feel like a shark would eat a runt of its litter. I could see that. I could see that. I could see that. Sharks might just be getting a bad rap, though.

Definitely crabs do, because my daughter was just watching something on Netflix. Oh, they eat themselves? And there's just thousands of these crabs going. And they're the baby ones. They're teeny, teeny, tiny. And there's one big crab just reaching down, gobbling these things down like popcorn. Look, if the single litter of kittens has multiple fathers, then my understanding of reproductive life has been shattered. So I'm locking that in as a lie.

Jason? It can definitely happen. Well, yeah, if they got multiple. There's multiple eggs, so there's multiple. Yeah, but one litter. I'm locking in. One litter. Yeah, it could definitely happen all right i'm locking in the the female kangaroo will not throw the joey oh is that how twins and triplets that's all it can happen man world's

crazy all right jace so if i didn't hear you guys you're locking in the joey mike yeah okay if i didn't hear your guys confidence on the the Ducks quack not echoing, I would say that that seems impossible. Yeah, that's true. We were really quick to shut that one down. This has happened before. I guess I've already lost round one, so I'm going to lock in the Ducks echo because, one, I don't think I should trust you guys based on last time around,

and, two, it just seems impossible. Al? I don't think I should trust you guys based on last time around. And two, it just seems impossible. Al, what did you lock in, Andy? Kids. Okay. Jason, you got that one right. You learned to never trust your friends and it paid off. Yes. Although, that means.

I swear I've heard that. That is a very common myth. So that one actually. Ah, that's why I've heard it. Searching for common myths, are we? Ah, that's actually brilliant. So multiple fathers for a litter, huh? Yeah.

Yes. That's definitely plausible. It's called super fecundation. Super what? Super made it up, though. Okay. Well, kangaroos are the worst. No, that was-

That's what I learned. Wait, no, that was- That's a true one. That's true? That the worst. No. That's what I learned. Wait. That's a true one. That's true? That is true. No. That's got to be real sad. I don't see that on Nature Channel very often.

Yeah. I thought I liked kangaroos. Cowards. Oh, cowaroos. I mean, generally, the mothers will give themselves up for their young, right? Yes. Like a mama bear? Yeah.

Kangarooed. Oh, man. All right. So this is a stupid round three for stupid game with a stupid owl. A group of sloths is called a snuggle. A group of porcupines are called a prickle. And a group of snakes is called a wiggle. Oh, man.

And one of those is false. One of those. Wait, that means two of these are true, which is insane. I can't think that a group of snakes is called a wiggle. But I can't think that a group of porcupines is called a prickle, man. I'm locking that one, and it's true. Are you? Yes.

A prickle? I mean, look, it didn't work for round two, but. Do they have all the adults naming the animals, and the kids name all the groups of animals? Apparently. Oh, yeah, okay. I'm locking in the prickles. Not true. I can't live in that world.

A snuggle? I mean, sloths are very snuggly. Yeah. So are joeys. Oh. Aw. Why do you have to bring that horrific... Because I had an alligator chasing this kangaroo in my mind.

That's where I was at. So now I'm seeing a joey. That alligator is a full belly. That's right. Full belly of a joey. Oh, no. Which one are you locking in? Yeah, Jason, what are you going?

I'm going wiggle. A group of snakes is not called a wiggle. We'll find out. Sloth, snuggle. Snakes, wiggle. One of us is going to win the game and get the most right here. Oh, that's a good point. No, because I'm at zero.

Okay. Well, one of us. Jason or I are going to win the game. Yeah. Oh, well, then I have to possibly tie? Yeah. Well, then I got – look, I think the wiggle is the lie, but for the competition of redeeming myself and tying it,

I have to go with – Snuggle? Snuggle. Sloths are – a group is with... Snuggle? Sloths. A group is called a snuggle. All right, which... Your instincts were correct, Mike. The wiggle is the lie. Yeah, I win!

I win today, even though we all feel like losers. We all lost, yeah. Oh, not all of us. All righty. It's time for a draft. We'd like to for a draft. And Harry's is offering listeners their starter set at harrys.com. They deliver a close, comfortable shave at a fair price, still as low as $2 per refill.

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There's never been a better time to try Harrys. Go to harrys.com slash spitballers to redeem your offer today. The Spitballers Draft. All right, Mike has the first pick on today's draft, and we are drafting alternatives to water to fill a swimming pool. So you don't get to fill your swimming pool with water today. You fill it with something else. I know what I'm filling your pool with.

Oh, we're not filling each other's pools, Mike. I've had you over to swim before. I know what you fill my pool with. You're up first. And you have to pick something. I have no idea what to do. I have a list of probably 20 things. You came up with a list.

I did not come up with a list. And I'm sure that'll bite me here shortly. But I'm just going. I have three thoughts fill that pool with something that isn't water yeah and I'm like I want to be able to

at least get into it and maybe someone's going to Scrooge McDuck it I don't know and put the gold coins in there but it's a swimming pool I still need to at least pretend that I can use it as a swimming pool. That's my approach. I want things that I'm going to use.

When you were a child, or at least I won't speak universally, I will speak for myself, there was always the dream of like, man, what if this swimming pool was full of Coca-Cola? Ooh. And that has stuck with me. So I'm going to take Coca-Cola. I can swim in it. I know that whatever goes, we're clean.

You don't need to put chlorine. That's what they use to clean your shirt anyway, right? If you go into a pool of Coca-Cola, you're coming out just squeaky clean. Bubbling. I don't think that's going to be true. Have you ever seen a rusty penny going to coca-cola no it comes out shiny you'll be that's a problem you'll be really sticky though oh yeah yeah that that part is true but you're everywhere no rust though real sticky everywhere

well but also my belly will be full of coca-cola that's true you would just drink some of your darn right i would uh yeah you you left the 101 uh on the table i'm afraid he did too dude i mean of course he did because the chance the chance to take the dive that we all want to take and i know it's gonna be a rough landing but i'm filling this sucker with hundred dollar bills y''all, and I'm putting the blow. Look, if you put a blower down at the money, what do you think happens when I land? Like, you get all the bills kind of floating up, and you jump into $100 bills. I think you probably go to the bottom of the pool. No. Is that for real?

Could I sink in this? I don't know. What are you trying to do? You thought it would be too hard of a landing. Yeah. I don't think you go to the bottom of the pool. If this thing's filled with $100 bills, I think it's an okay landing. Really?

I was worried I was going to break my body, and Mike's sitting here thinking I could sink. Look, there's only one way to find out. You're blowing them. I guess it's how dense it is. If you just fill it up and you pay no mind to, it's not stacks of cash. It's not wrapped. It's just loose bills. Loose bills.

Loose bills. If you put the stacks in there, it's going to hurt. That's not the 101, by the way. Oh, goodness. Why do you want money in your pool? He wants people to take pictures of him with money in his pool. I'm just saying, diving into a pool of money, we've all seen it. Well, I've seen it with coins.

Yeah, but that would hurt. That would be really, really uncomfortable. Yeah, but it would be cool. Oh, man. All right, so you got dollar bills. Jumping on the money will hurt, too. It will also smell more than you think. Oh, yeah.

Oh, money's super dirty. Yeah, you're covered in germs. I'm going to need to pour some coke in this pool. Yeah, you do. Wow. So, okay, this is going all different directions my number one it's jello i want jello in my pool it's on my list it'll be super cool to jump into jail i see nodding producers over there it is on my list i fear though that there is that will be the final

jump you ever make yes i feel like let's say you dive off a diving board. You're getting down in there head first. How do you get out? Let's say you jump from 1,000 feet up. No, no. I'm not diving boarding this thing. I'm taking an off-the-side cannonball into jello. Yeah, and you're getting down in there, and you're never getting out. You think I'm breathing jello into my lungs?

No, you're breathing no air into your lungs. You're done. Well, I'm certainly going to get some jello in there if I'm trying to gasp for air. Would that preserve him? Would he be like preserved in jello? Like amber? Exactly. This is amber.

He can't decompose because he's protected. I could get out of a pool of jello. No, you could not. You definitely could not make it out of a pool of jello. Wait a minute. Let me think about this. Jello is movable. It's malleable.

I think he could get out of this jello. I could get an air hole. Nope. I put everything I own that you were not making it out of that pool. I guess I couldn't swim in it. That would be the problem. Have you ever gone into the foam pits at the trampoline parks? Yeah.

Getting out. Yes, you can get out. But there's areas. You know how hard it is to get out. That could be a problem. Man, what a backfire dying in that jello pool would be. Here's the thing. To me, I'm picking items that would look cool in a pool and be fun to jump in.

Yeah. Someone will pull me out of this. Yeah, you'd need help. I've got friends. Help! All right. All right. All right.

The next one gets a little harder. I mean, I feel like there's an obvious 102 for Andrew Holloway. Yeah, it's on my list. How do you not take it? All right, I'm going ice cream, baby. You would not have made it back. Fill my pool with ice cream and fill my belly with joy. And that would be... that would be pretty fun that would be now for a minute for a minute climate control i'll probably drown in that ice cream too which is how i want to go in life the real problem here is simply put temperature i know i mean we don't get into the pool when the pool is 70 degrees

it's the first existence of excuse me is your pool cooled yes um yeah you would want to keep it nice and chilled i mean just imagine rubbing ice cream all over your body oh it sounds awful now get all up in it so that that is that is oh that's good time. And Mike baited me into it. I thought maybe he'd come back. Okay. No, I would have taken it, just in spite of you. Okay. All right.

Now, I'm going to have a hard time swimming in my money. But I'm going to be filthy rich. Okay. So I need a liquid here. Jason's got an empty pool by that afternoon. He jumps in. He darn right. Pulls all the dollars out.

I'm like, okay, back up the truck. Let's go to the bank. I want to be able to swim and use my pool. Okay. And I want- Consider it ice cream? But I do. I've got a sweet tooth.

I love sugar. Are you filling it with sugar? No, because that's not a liquid. I am filling it with one of the most delicious and underrated drinks, and I had one last night. I am filling this with horchata. Yeah, baby. Interesting, horchata.

Oh, yeah. This is a man who's got no list. He just thought about what's the most recent thing I drank. No, I thought about what's the most delicious thing I've drank you're a big horchata fan yeah that's like cinnamon milk yes yeah so you made fun of ice cream but what temperature is your cinnamon milk a lot warmer than frozen ice cream well my ice one of them you put in the fridge and one you put in the freezer it's fair it's a fair point and And both at room temperature. One would still be good. It completely changes.

No, the ice cream isn't good at room temperature. Room temperature milk? It's not milk, Horchata. It's not milk. It's milky. It's a rice drink. Yeah, but it's milky in consistency. I'm just saying it's not dairy.

This is dairy. Wait, it makes a difference if it's dairy milk? Do you drink your Horchata at room temperature yes or no are you a psychopath i prefer it chilled but i will certainly drink a room temperature horchata all right no ice yeah no i'm not putting ice in the pool okay i'm not a psycho i didn't expect horchata as round two pick here mike was that on your list? It was not. It was definitely not. All right. I have my next two picks lined up.

Okay. Oh, dairy-free. Confirmed. Okay. There you go. It's still going to be gross at room temperature. Number one, I don't know how much swimming I would be able to do inside of this pool. That's okay.

I'll probably just sit on the stair, and I'll just let it wash all over me because I'm getting a pool full of puppies, baby. Oh, that would be so... It would be awesome. That would be so fun. The problem is like... The poor puppy's at the bottom. The puppy's at the bottom is the problem. Survival of the fittest, man.

Oh, the cutest puppies end up on top? Well, he's got a layer of joeys at the bottom that the mom threw in and then he put some puppies to just trample over them. It's not very full. It's not very full. It's a play pool. Yeah. And these puppies come from a litter of multiple fathers.

Oh, man. That's a good one. Yes. I will take the puppies. I tried to think about some living creatures, but I was worried about the bottom. Yeah. Especially if it's a deep end pool. I mean, it's a diving pool.

I feel like all of these are diving pools because you got to be able to dive into them. Well, I apologize. Cannonball crunch. Oh, no. Apologize to those puppies. Now, this pool, I am definitely not swimming in. Okay. And this will-

Scorpions. You have no idea how close you are. Spiders? No. you have no idea how close you are spiders no uh because jason with while his hundred dollar bills are in there uh my pool will be filled with a liquid that is valued at 39 million dollars per gallon and that is scorpion venom jason you were making his pool you're going money i'm going i can't sell in scorpion venom one gallon is worth $39 million. You looked up the most expensive

liquid. You're darn right I did. Wow. I'm all in, baby. You just filled your pool with scorpion venom. Enjoy your million dollars, Jason. I will, because I'll be alive. I'm not going in. Oh, I'm pushing you. I'm coming up right behind. Wait, if you fall

in a pool of scorpion venom you're probably okay right you're dead no you're dead as long as as long as like it doesn't no orifices going in orifice i mean you've got ears and nose and eyes like there's no way that you're going in a pool of venom affect you like your ears aren't connected to your bloodstream but even even your skin if you were to rub it all over. It could irritate. It's like an SPF 70. But no, I mean, things that could go on the skin

could get in your bloodstream. I need an Al Borland here. If you drain a spider or a snake venom onto the outside of your skin, that ain't doing nothing. Wipe it away. How about taking a bath

in gallons and gallons of it? Al, I need you to weigh in with perfect scientific accuracy. What's happening if you get a little venom on your skin or all over you? I don't know. I'm trying to figure that out. I'll get back to you. Okay.

All right. He'll do some research. So back to you. Whatever. I'm filthy rich. So what do you got so far? So I have Coca-Cola, puppies, and scorpion venom. And scorpion venom?

Oh, this draft. All right, Jason, you have have what horchata and dollars yeah baby i'm happy so all right this one is just going to be a lot of fun and it's really for science more than anything because i've always wondered what the truth is here and we're going to find out it's going to be terrifying oh i don't know what you call them, but the play place balls. Yeah, the plastic balls. Oh, yes. The plastic balls.

Oh, that's the best pick of the entire draft. Can you swim out? No. Oh, no. I don't think you can. I don't think you can. But you're not going to die either. No, because there's air in there.

I've been down beneath in those plastic balls before. But that's what I want to know is like, what is am i gonna have to walk my way out yes can i can i can i stay like horizontal and swim horizontal to the shallow end and just move myself out i don't think so but i want to know and there's only one way to find out is to take these little plastic balls and fill up my it's on my on my list. That would be fun. I mean, that would be a super awesome cannonball. It would. By the way, according to Al, even the smallest ulcer or cut anywhere in the mouth or throat or lesion on the skin would allow the venom to be absorbed, resulting in the same effect

as being injected. Yeah, because that's getting into your body. So I hope you don't have any scratch on you. But yes, the molecules of venom aren't too big to be absorbed through the skin. So you're dying, probably. Well, it depends on... Does your head go under? If my head goes under, then it's a problem.

Yeah. Well, then I'm... If I drown him, he's dead. If I drown him in scorpion venom, is it me that killed him, or is it the venom? Or has he been poisoned? All right. So you just drafted plastic walls i have my final two picks right yes um all right i'm gonna go with what i was about to draft last time before i had to claim ice cream for my brand uh i'm going pillows i'm filling it with

pillows that was that was my next pick and also my only other pick. All right. To the thinking cap I go. So I'm going pillows because, come on, that would be extremely fun to jump in a pool of pillows. Just don't land on the steps. That's all I'm going to say. My last one, look, I'm not coming at it from the perspective of, oh, I'm going to make a bunch of money with my scorpion venom on my dollars. I'm going with a gotcha because I want somebody else to jump in this pool.

I'm filling it with acid. I'm filling the pool with acid because that's going to be a little bit of gotcha. So from not making money to jail. Is it me that killed them if they thought the water was acid? Was it the acid? I don't know. Was it the acid? You shouldn't have jumped in my pool.

That's right. When I pushed you. As long as you have a sign up, I think you're covered. Cyanide or sign up? No, a sign. Oh, okay. This is caution. Acid.

Caution. Pool water is acid. Pool water is acid. Maybe acid. I feel bad for your pool equipment, if I'm being honest. That's disintegrating very quickly. Acid is weird, though. You know how you put bad for your pool equipment, if I'm being honest. That's disintegrating very quickly. Acid is weird, though. You know how you put acid in your pool?

Right. Have any of you ever taken care of your pool with acid? Yeah, because you have to balance it. But it's so weird that acid is just, you can just keep it in a jug of plastic because it can't burn plastic. Yeah, that is. And you can just keep it in your garage. But if you poured it on your skin or on something else. It'd be like scorpion venom.

It would be like diving into a pool of acid. Science is crazy. Yeah. I'm feeling like acid was a bad pick. Yeah, I would agree. It's a little strange. It's a little unique. I would agree.

Can I pivot my pick? Is it too late? Yeah, you can talk about what's on your. Just leave acid on there. That's fine. Jason needs time. All right. That's fine. Jason needs time. All right. Here I go.

Mine's going to be just as bad. Most of these things... Oh, gosh. I've got two, and they're so different. Didn't Joker get made by jumping into a pool of acid? Well, he didn't jump. He slipped? He either fell...

Banana peel? Or Batman knocked him into it oh depending on which one you watch yeah i i go with yes i go with the he fell it's it's acid so whoops um all right so i could make a super villain just saying you could i don't know that that's something you want to do i got it i got the time i got i i got beard hair you want to do. I got it. I got the time. I got beard hair. You want to know what time it is? It's Cool Whip time, baby. Yeah. I think you would super suffocate in Cool Whip.

Yeah, definitely. I could definitely swim in Cool Whip. Could you eat it fast enough to live? I can. I don't know about you. Wait. Yeah, I think I could swim in Cool Whip. No.

No, no. No, you're too dense. You can't swim in Cool Whip. I could swim in cool whip no no no no you're too dense you can't swim in cool whip i can swim in water yeah that's i can swim in water i can swim in water i can swim in water so clearly i can swim in vinegar yeah what i probably can't swim in vinegar mike so can you kind of arguments are we bringing to the table can you swim in a cloud uh no i can't swim in vinegar, Mike. What kind of arguments are we bringing to the table now? Can you swim in a cloud? No, I can't swim in a cloud. Cool Whip, you're dead. I believe I can swim in Cool Whip, and I would be delicious. Thank you.

It would be delicious. And if I've got to die, I mean, let's be honest. Cool Whip is one of the best ways to go. Mike, you're finishing things up. I've got options for you. I have one that I want to take, but our producer won't check his DMs because I want to make sure that it's a legal pick. Oh, I wonder if it's what I almost went with.

That's good? Yeah. Good, because I figured there should be absolutely no problem with it. I am converting my swimming pool. See, I almost took it. I just almost took it. Did you? Yeah.

To a jacuzzi? No, I'm taking ice. I am taking ice. I am freezing it, and it's becoming a rink that I can took it. I just almost took it. Did you? Yeah. To a jacuzzi? No, I'm taking ice. I am taking ice. I am freezing it, and it's becoming a rink that I can skate upon. Oh, that's way better than what I was picking. Hold on a second. It was allowed. Well, it's allowed.

Yes, ice, but I don't think it's a flat surface if you're filling it with ice. You don't get the right to control the temperature of it. It's ice. You know what I'm saying? Like, he's pouring in buckets of ice. I know what you're saying, but I will completely allow him to put in one solid form-fitting block of ice. Because I know what it's going to be tomorrow. Water.

Yeah. No. That's illegal. I didn't draft ice cubes. I drafted ice. All right. I mean, whatever. We don't care.

Yeah. We've got acid and scorpion venom. You can have whatever you want. Some other options on my long, long list. Kernels of corn. Thought that might feel good. Oh, yeah. That's a horrific death. Oh, really?

Real sharp? Not sharp. You're suffocating for sure. I'm not jumping in on that one. I'm waiting. Have you not been to uh the we have a pumpkin patch around here whatever it's no i can't go to those oh yeah morally against them i i try to be as well and then i get dragged there but they always have this like little area that instead of a ball pit it's like a corn kernel pit and it is disgusting it is like yeah the kids playing it

it is so dusty and you like if you the second you touch those the the corn your hands are just they're you can't wash it off it's impossible pudding chocolate marbles chocolate syrup chocolate marbles mac and cheese bubbles How did nobody get mac and cheese? I almost threw you mac and cheese. Oh, man. That's not bad. And then I thought you could go like salt water so you could float all over the place. Oh, I like that.

But that might be a little too close to, I don't know, water. Water. Because my pool is salt water. Yeah, but I'm talking real salty. Like Dead Sea style? Yeah, Dead Sea. The one that I was going to go with I was between this and Cool Whip And then when you said I'm converting my pool

I thought you were going that way Cement Just fill it up I got a backyard Now I can put a basketball You almost converted your pool to a cement slab Exactly right It's a court now

It's the lowest court in the land Jeez Coins was what I was going to pivot right. It's a court now. It's the lowest court in the land. Jeez. Coins was what I was going to pivot from acid to. Just to go Scrooge. Yeah. It'd be a good YouTube video right before the broken bones. That would not be good.

What did we learn today? I learned that kangaroos are terrible parents. Just awful, awful creatures. I learned that kangaroos are terrible parents oh yeah just awful awful creatures i learned that jason has a newfound love for his number two pick horchata oh yeah i learned that be careful with random trivia facts that are in your brain because they might just be urban myths we were both sure of that one too i don't i didn't even have to consider it i would like to file a formal audit complaint

we'll find out if that's somehow true thank you for tuning in everyone we will see you next time goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballerspod.com Oh no. Oh no. What happened? Is this another ad? Is this another ad for jointhespit.com? I've got to get rid of these suckers. I've got to get ad free on my spitwad love.

I'm going to join the spit right now. Jointhespit.com, and I'm getting these dumb ads out of here.