Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 15: Abraham Lincolnovich and Adult Diapers - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 24, 2018

Oh, sweet mercy. The poop jokes might just be a little bit too literal on today's Spitballers Comedy Podcast. You're going to need your very own butt-ler to help you get through this episode. There's also a mock draft where Andy, Jason, and Mike fight over the best fast food chain restaurants. Of course, the Spitballers also wax philosophical and dish out some life advice, like what to do when your kid wants to play soccer like a loser. Be sure to subscribe and drop us a 5-star rating if you enjoy!  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on? and Jason. What's going on? The Spitballers back again Monday. And you know what? I'm excited to be here. I don't know what this show is going to be in any way, shape, or form. I haven't looked at one of the questions.

I don't know anything. I'm excited because everything is new. You're just a wild man. I don't know anything. I'm excited because everything is new. You're just a wild man. I'm a wild man. We've got a mock draft on the show today. That is true. And you get the first pick in today's draft. Caillou will not be here.

Oh, thank goodness. He doesn't know how to use a microphone. Doesn't know how to walk up to the microphone. Doesn't know how to sit in a chair, talk into a microphone. Head looks a little like a microphone. That's it. That's all he's got in the podcast game. Caillou, not a podcaster.

Apparently, you know, how does a show exist that literally nobody likes? Because the response. Are you talking about this? Yes. Spitballers, man, that's mean. No, that's the response. Hey, everybody, if you're listening for the first time or you're new to the Spitballers, thanks for joining us.

I would say the reaction has been... Positive. Very positive. Maybe they don't understand how important subscribing and reviewing is. That's a really good point. Cause that's super important. They should do that. That's, that's the response when we're, when we're stressing the importance of it.

It's Hey, do it, do it. It is really important. We appreciate all the reviews. They really help the show. Yeah, they do. They do. If you want us to keep doing the show. Yeah, they do. They do. If you want us to keep doing the show, that's the best way to help. Then you better.

If you don't, stay subscribed. All right. Today we've got a great show, some life advice, got a great question. Follow us on Twitter, at SpitballersPod. We did a Situation Room segment on the last episode. We get our ideas from you, from the Spitwads. Yes, we do. And since we ran that Situation Room, Jason's Twitter timeline has been filled with creepy crawlies.

Oh, it's the worst. You guys, when you share something personal in your personal life on this show. You've made a mistake. You've made a terrible mistake because the spit wads have destroyed. I can't go on Twitter. It's just everything is a big hairy tarantula. I even felt the backfire of that. Yeah.

Because I'm browsing around and I'm just seeing spiders on dashboards. Well, here's the thing. The wives got together this last week after I share my arachnophobia and they all thought, you know, you know, it'd be pretty funny. You know, it'd be a good time. Let's get a bunch of fake spiders and hide them all around the house. And so I wake up the next morning.

I come downstairs. They were all together. And I mean, everywhere I look, there is a horrific spider, and there was one. There was one that scared me twice. It was, you open the fridge. How does it scare you twice? Because I wake up super early.

I'm up at 5.30. I'm barely awake. I go downstairs. It's one of those, I open the fridge without thinking things, which is pretty much just my life. Especially with the fridge in particular. Oh, yeah. You just sleepwalk to the fridge, open it up, and right on the gallon of milk was a

big spider. So I'm like, I open the door. Did you audibly scream? Oh, of course. A house waking scream or just a... No. What? Yes, that's exactly...

Here. I can open the door. Ah! That was my scream. that's exactly here I could open the door that was my scream that's exactly what my scream is it was not five minutes later so five minutes later that I've I've done whatever maybe I went to the restroom maybe I circled the kitchen island I go back to the fridge I open the door there's the spider staring me right in the face when you open the fridge you are terrified you you get a nice jolt of adrenaline at 5 30 in the morning did you how did you react did you slam it close immediate i mean it was an open slam close situation touch plastic spiders that was the issue the issue was i did not really want to

be the one to physically remove them so it took me two days but i have rid my house of all the uh spiders that you know that i have already found yeah i had a friend who recently we we have like a family get together once a week and um he bought a roll of stickers and the stickers say one thing and one thing only and it says for anal use only and oh my goodness he distributed these stickers in every possible location in this house to be found over the course of weeks at a time so shout out to my friend Paul. Wow. So you open the K-Cup maker, and inside, when you open it up, for anal use only.

I don't know where you get rolls of these type of stickers, but well played. Well played indeed. Let's move on. That's pretty good, though, right? Yeah. Spitballers to the rescue. All right. We're going to give you some life advice.

This one comes in from the website. I've not read it. Let's begin. I haven't known where to turn with this question, says Anonymous. Oh, like anonymous. I get it. But I thought this would be a safe space. Oh, it's always...

Spitballers podcast is a safe space for all. Unless you're one of the hosts. Or a spider. Yeah, I guess. I'm engaged to be married to the woman I love. Congratulations. In 33 days. But we're having a problem.

We have had multiple conversations about it, but nothing is changing and I don't know what to do. She puts on the toilet paper so that you have to reach under the roll to grab the paper and I don't know what to do. We need help. Thank you. Oh my goodness. Spitballer.

This is a serious problem. I don't want to minimize the magnitude of this. Putting a roll of toilet paper. Sorry to cut you off. We have to on the count of three. a roll of toilet paper. Sorry to cut you off, Jay. We have to on the count of three. On the count of three, you say, does

the paper go over or does it go under? Because we need to make sure that there's not a problem in this studio right now. One, two, three. Over. I love you guys. Alright. This was an issue before. You guys talked me

into this. I was living my life willy-nilly and it doesn't matter it was just it was just put it on just hey we're out put one on and that's all i thought about and you know what i was living in a cloud i was living in a shroud i was living in a dark and dangerous sad place and then you guys showed me the line. And now when I see a toilet paper roll at any house, my own included, that is under. I don't even know what to do. You correct it. I throw up.

I just throw up. You have to correct it. You genuinely do. If I go to someone else's house and I say, I'll take the roll off and I'll put it the right way. I do it too. I always correct. If you're rocking an under roll, no, I'm helping you out.

You've made a mistake. Now, let's just say, for the sake of argument, because this Anani Mouse's future wife here is clearly an idiot. Let's just pretend. Let's just pretend like we are idiots and say but but Spitballers why does it matter what's wrong with putting the roll under that's the voice of public opinion if you don't listen to our other show

that's true the voice of public opinion it should make a regular appearance what's wrong what's wrong with it guys there are so many things wrong but the this is not even a joke. The primary, this is so funny, the timing of this. The primary problem for me, this is so stupid I can't even get it out of my mouth, has to do with spiders.

I figured you've seen the picture or whatever it is. You're afraid that an under is potentially hiding a spider? If there was a spider on the roll, you have to reach under and touch something that you don't know. You don't know what's on that roll. You can't see where you're grabbing your hand. I avoid all of those situations in life. If it's on the over, then before you get to the part, let's say the part to pull isn't there,

when you turn it, you're turning it towards you and you see you're safe. This is a safety issue. A safe space. This is a safe space. You want a safe teepee roll. But the real life advice here is not, I mean, clearly the answer is over, but the life advice is what do you do with this fiance situation? This is... Counseling probably won't what do you do with this fiance situation this is counseling

probably won't help because you can't break through you're gonna have to learn find someone else you're gonna have to learn your battles i'm not sure if this is one of the battles you need to take up and oh you're giving real advice yeah well here's the thing if you can correct it i told you i was living in the dark, right? I didn't know the difference. If every single time I put it on the wrong way, someone else had just corrected it and left it alone, I never would have noticed.

That's what you do. When you sit down, you just fix it. Yep. Just fix it. She'll never know because she doesn't know. And just point out how easy the problem like the wife's gonna go in the bathroom she's gonna have to use the toilet paper when she comes out just point out it how how easy was it rolling down getting your couple sheets your couple plies and then the

tearing process i mean how glorious was it that you got to go through that with over toilet paper? Isaac F. from the website, if I'm at the movies, and I've been in this boat, and had a person behind me that is hitting the chair, probably unintentionally, what do you do? And I unfortunately can tell you every time this has ever

happened to me, I took it. Oh, really? I took it. Oh, really? I took it all movie long. Wow. Just a pat, pat, pat on the back, back, back, and just very surprised. Me too. You strike me as the one of the three of us that would turn around

and say something, right? I probably have done the turnaround, maybe they see me and will stop, but no words. There's three something, right? I probably have done the turn around, maybe they see me and will stop. But no words. There's three options, right? Three options. You either say something direct. You ignore it and take the beating for the entire movie. Or you go super passive aggressive, which is probably my go-to,

which is kind of do big exhales or kind of look. Let me hear one of those. You're like, yeah. You know, one of those type of things where it's clearly audible. I can't do the whole look back, but I can look to the side. You're feeling really uncomfortable. What if you make yourself, it's just obvious you're uncomfortable. Oh, that comes with the exhale.

What about a heavy, what about an exaggerated reaction to each kick? Like you're almost. Just like whiplash. Just boom. Yeah. Oh, that's a, we got a good option for here. I had an experience when I was in my younger days. I don't know if the young folks know about this, but back when we were growing up,

you had very spiky hair, and this stuff was gelled to the max where it looked like your hair could... Max hold. The spikes in your hair could just... You could break them off. Well, I'm rocking some spiky hair. I go to a movie theater,

and I feel something touch my hair. Like, well, that was weird. I let some time pass. Nothing happens. I feel it again, and I whip around, and there was a lady sitting in the row behind me who has grabbed my hair.

What? With her hands? Yes. Like she was pinching to see the texture of the spike, and I'm just. Not allowed? It's a full-grown lady. Full-grown lady.

Like not a child. Correct. This is a grown-up that just thought. Not even a partially grown lady. She's fully grown. I'm allowed to touch your hair. And I'm a teenager a younger teenagers and i just stare in an absolute disbelief that this woman thinks yeah it's fine well just this

guy's got spiky hair i'm sure he's cool with this strangers that touch what are you doing it's a real problem out there strangers that touch strangers that touch in any like we've got kids right. My parents told me. I mean whenever. Stay away from them. Whenever you've got a newborn baby the strangers that think they can come up and touch your baby because it's a baby. Yeah. This is. Oh the

thigh squeeze. Oh the thigh fat squeeze. You have a right to your child's thigh fat. Yeah. Tickle the feet pat him on the head this is my get away from me crazy person at least ask permission yes yes and if you're out there and you and you have recently done that and look it probably comes from a good place like like you're out you love kids you love babies oh he's so cute but it's not petting a dog but you i'm striking the asking for permission. Wait, what?

No. As in, you just don't even think about it. Because how awkward is that conversation? A stranger comes up to you. Oh, may I touch your child? Yeah. Number one, that's going to be the creepiest thing. Number two, you have to look at them and go, no.

And then there's that interaction of you have now shamed this person. You are so repulsive. I don't want you to touch my baby. The truth is I would always say yes out of like I'm so non-confrontational that I'd be like, sure. Exactly. So no question. Don't even think about it. Can I hold your baby?

Get out of here. That's a question I've had before. Crazy stranger. Oh, can I hold him hold them no why are you holding my the proper answer is is that your baby that's that's the answer oh is this your baby i'm sorry i think passive aggressive is the direction we're heading in all of these or one other uh option for isaac and and i mean this because i this is it's funny because I'm like non-confrontational and I can't imagine that I would turn around and say, please stop kicking my chair.

But I would genuinely throw popcorn over my head. Like if I've got popcorn and someone kicks my chair, I'll throw popcorn. I thought about that. Toss it backwards. I went to a movie once in a theater I thought was empty. As an adolescent, probably spiky hair days. And my friend and I hated the movie so much that I thought it would be really entertaining to hurl my bag of popcorn across the theater.

Oh, no. I didn't know there were people there. So I've done. They landed right on the person. When I was a stupid teenager, I did that on purpose all the time. My friends and I would go to the movies, sit in the back, and we'd throw popcorn. And this is not like, oh, we think it's empty. This is like, we're going to throw a piece of popcorn and just hit people,

and they don't know where it's coming from. And it, oh, man, we had so much fun being jerks. Why is it that, I mean, all of our kids i mean i have a almost 10 year old we're they're gonna be at this age we're throwing oranges at vehicles that are driving by and causing mischief and mayhem and setting things on fire is just it's like a rite of passage how are you gonna feel about this this is why we have this podcast is to remember how stupid we were as children so that when our children are dumb we we don't think, how could you? We go, what?

Oh, yeah. I did. You're going to have to grow up at some point. Yeah. Yeah. All right. One more. Tiffany from the website.

My kid wants to play soccer, but I hate soccer because it's the worst. Should I sign my kid up for soccer and deal with the consequences? Or should I teach my child the truth that no one likes soccer? And it's for losers. You know who plays soccer? Caillou. Caillou probably plays soccer. Stop it.

Soccer's a wonderful, beautiful sport. Soccer's the worst. I completely agree with this questioner. Now, I know you like soccer, Andy. I do. I think it is.'m refined though it's just it's a it's a third world sport mike a third world sport what are you doing it's look it's popular it's popular everywhere but here four billion i was tracking with you until you went with that insult.

Football's not even in the top 10 of fans. All right. See, here's the problem with soccer if you live in the United States. The game is fine. I think it's an interesting game, but there's no future. There is no future here, and this is what we are all about as americans is our kids are going to grow up and become famous superstars playing their sport and but if they start with soccer and they fall in love with it and that's all they want to play then they're doing nothing but wasting their time i don't think so you're gonna go play in the mls mls ratings have risen

can i ask you a question? Every year in the last five years. Can you name me two MLS players? Yeah. Can you name me one MLS player? There you go. Abrahamovich. Abrahamovich.

Abraham Lincolnovich. Abraham Lincolnovich. It seems ridiculous with our population that we don't dominate at soccer. Because we don't care. There's so many people. I mean, there are people that care, but we don't care as much as the 4 billion elsewhere. So here's the answer then. You put your kid in soccer at a super young age.

Because whatever you put your kid in, there's one thing I've learned from my three children. Whatever you start your kids on, they're quitting. They're quitting in a year. My son is so musically talented, I wanted to put him in piano, and so I got him in piano lessons. That's done. That's already over. That's a thing of the past.

Here's the thing. Here's the PSA to parents out there. And it's going to hurt your kid sucks at whatever sport they're playing. And it doesn't matter what you put them in, whether it's soccer, they're not going to be a major league soccer player. If it's baseball, not going to cut it.

Basketball. They're not the best. Cause almost every, I mean, 0.00001% of kids go anywhere with those sports. It's all about being in a team sport, having fun with your friends, getting outside and getting exercise. I don't care if you play cricket or soccer or what.

None of them are doing it beyond, I mean, very, very few. But Mike is 100% right here that when you're the kid playing, it's to have the dreams. You're in piano lessons. And you could be just like Abrahamovich. Abraham Lincolnovich. Abraham Lincolnovich, star player for the MLS team. Superstar of the North.

The North. And I agree with you that they're not going to go pro. But college? Yeah. I mean, you can. People do. They get scholarships. A lot of kids get scholarships.

There's got to be soccer scholarships, right? Yes, of course there are. There's tons of them. Soccer's really big, you psycho. There's soccer scholarships everywhere. I doubt it. Oh, my God. I bet you could get a scholarship for playing the harp a lot easier than for playing soccer.

Have you guys recognized the fact? How ashamed would you be? What would you rather put your son in? Soccer or a harp? Soccer or the harp? Soccer. There are no harps allowed in this family. I think the harp is a beautiful instrument and i would definitely

choose the harp okay it's it's the sound of angels thank you enjoy just because you hate something doesn't mean it doesn't exist you really need to get that through your head jason it's something that's plagued me my entire life my aunt would always tell me I thought you were going to say your aunt doesn't exist. Just get bodied, auntie. No, auntie, I remember being a kid and her having to stop me and say, your opinion is not always the truth for everyone else. And I just was like, that's nonsense. I disagree with you, so you're wrong.

All right. Would you rather? All right, today's would you rather question. Would you rather have to wear a diaper for the rest of your life or have someone wipe you every time you do a duty? So you got to be white. Now, is this the same person or is this a proximity thing, like the closest person to you at the time?

I think you have a pro. Is it a pro wiper? I believe it's user choice. It's the butler. Oh, it is the butler. You are correct, Mike. Oh, it is the butler. Oh, the B-U-T-T-L-E-R butler.

Everyone needs their own butler. You grow up with high aspirations. Oh! Right? You might grow up to be a butler. No? Yeah. Yeah.

You're probably English. You know, you get a little cheeky. Oh, come on. All right. Wow. So let's walk through this. Let me ask you this just to start off the bat. Would you rather wear a diaper the rest of your life or be a butler?

I'd rather be a butler. Oh. And I'm the B-U-T-T-ler. I would rather have to be the wiper than have to go in my pants. I mean, you're self-buttling if you wear a diaper. Yeah, you're doing it yourself. But we do that now, just not with the diaper part. And what they don't prepare you for.

I got to go change, guys. I got to go change. What they do not prepare you for of the diaper changing of your children is, you know what happens. We're all very aware of what a baby does inside their diaper make a doody make a wee wee go on you're welcome just in case the letters weren't tracking but all of them but what you're used to is a relatively clean bowel movement of your own and you don't think about the fact that okay there's something's something that is encasing and capturing everything.

You don't realize it's going to go everywhere inside of that diaper. Yeah. We're a very smart people. We've matured a lot as a society. We've created great technological advances from the Tesla car to, you know, the greatest supercomputers in the world. They have not thus far figured out the diaper. The diaper should just be.

It's a 50-50 shot at capturing everything anyway with a kid. It needs to have a little pocket inside that captures it. No, Jason's on to something. Well, you need more of a vacuum. No, a poop pouch. Yes. There's an extra little dugout. What do you think a diaper, by. No, a poop pouch. Yes. Like there's an extra little dugout. What do you think a diaper, a diaper by definition is a poop pouch.

But you need a poop pouch inside the poop pouch. Yeah, it's Inception. Pouch pouch. Bwah. The problem is when they do the duty and it goes around the front. Oh, the front duty. But that's what I'm talking about where all of their business has to be clean. But now here.

You got to hose them down. We got to rein this back in. This is not about changing anyone else's diaper. Okay. This is me, my diaper, or I get clean. I don't have to work. It's almost like having an actual butler. One of the.

Yeah. They're going to follow you around. It's a convenience. One of the issues here is. Like you around it's a convenience one of the issues here is like a human bidet the look one of the issues here is forget how uncomfortable this is true oh puffy pants you got oh here comes puffy pants again waddle waddle squat squat maybe you know and you don't want to tell people you got a diaper so you just look like you got a very unfortunate body you know

you're you're putting a lot of pounds in a really weird area because i mc hammer probably could have pulled it off i i lack i got pancake butt oh so maybe i'm sorry maybe i'll look a little badonkadonky but just but with if i'm wearing a diaper hmm so you're thinking it's wait a minute they're gonna be like that guy does squats let me check something how often have you wearing a diaper. So you're thinking it's an improvement. Wait a minute. They're going to be like, that guy does squats. Let me check something. How often have you worn a diaper to look better? Are you doing this already? Do I have to answer?

Look, I'm the only one here that can really speak to this question. Let's be honest. Why? Because he's in the Poopy Pants Club. Oh. Yeah. Awkward. I know the feeling as an adult.

And this is. Look, the story has been told online before. I take no blame. You take. I was. I was diseased with crypto is what it was called. The currency. Also known as squirt squirtzo.

Oh, gross. The Hershey's. Could have used a butler. Maybe a team. The hot squat. Hot squat buns? The hot squat buns is. How many other names can we come up with?

I will absolutely have a butler over living the hot squat buns life. So in other words, you don't want to poop your pants without a diaper. That's off the table. I'm saying. Diaper is worse. Yeah, the diaper is worse. How is it worse? Because you're feeling everything.

Like this thing is just going all over your cheeks. I can promise you if I'm going to go in my pants, I want a diaper. That is why they exist. I want really, really baggy shorts. It's going right to the ground. Mike, do you realize the pant leg situation there? You wear shorts. Trust me.

I have seen my boy, when he was like two or three, wearing board shorts, stand, drop a deuceuce it falls right off the shorts on the ground lickety split all right so you're taking the diaper i'm wearing the diaper no no i'm getting i'm getting professionally cleaned yeah yes exactly give me the butler he might not be a good butler this might be a real bang up job not nothing special my butler has only the the most plies oh the most one ply no there's not one razor blade suitcase so this octoply it's it's pretty moistened how do we not have a an octoply yet oh it's coming i'm writing that down he's that octoply? All right. That's pretty thick. That's just like a hand towel.

Just a one-time use hand towel. Would you rather eat nothing but vegetables for the rest of your life or nothing but donuts? This question, I mean, what does it mean by taste or by just all implications? No, I mean all implications because obviously donuts taste better. But if you eat – you're saying would you rather eat vegetables the rest of your life or would you rather live with diabetes? Right? I mean there's no chance if you eat only donuts the rest of your life,

you don't have the diabetes. The betas. The betas. Yeah, I'm without a doubt taking the beatus i'm gonna need a lot of insulin injections short and happy or long and and crappy yeah i mean the weight issue is gonna be bad not bad the weight is going to be a thing because I'm packing on the pounds. But it's not just that. You're going to be bloated. If all you can eat is donuts, you're going to feel like crap.

Are there healthier donuts than others? No. A donut, by definition, is dough that is fried. There's no healthy version of- That's a strong point. Like, oh, this was fried- Organic fried dough. This was fried in sesame seed oil.

It's so much better. It's got to be better though, right? I'm sure it's better than McDonald's oil, but either way. I'm taking the vegetables. You're going to be a healthy man. Yeah. And a sad man. Now, I don't eat donuts anymore, and it's one of the things I miss more than anything.

I love donuts. I love anything. I love donuts. I love them. I love them. They're so good. They're almost the perfect food, other than the nutritional value of the food itself. If they could just figure out how to put nutritional value into donuts, I'd be set, because that's all I can eat the rest of my life. Yeah, fair enough.

Let's draft. I'd be set because that's all I can eat the rest of my life. Yeah, fair enough. Let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, tell the people what we're doing today. So we are drafting fast food restaurants. And for clarity, because you could get into the weeds big time about this, of how do you define a fast food food restaurant we are defining this as

quick service restaurants so qsr if if a restaurant falls into the category of a qsr then it is eligible in this draft let me ask you a question do things like jamba juice starbucks yes yes yes they do so you could you could take a starbucks. Like, I have the first pick in the draft. I could take a Starbucks. That is 100% correct. You're saying I'm going to take a Starbucks. But, but... I don't know. You tell me, man. When you think about this poll, fast food restaurants, people are going to be

thinking about the food. So you could take Starbucks, but they're thinking, okay, you get the little breakfast sandwich or a cake pop. I'm taking Chick-fil-A. Dang it! My number one pick. Oh, that's a good pick. Come on! My. I'm taking Chick-fil-A. Dang it. My number one pick. That's a good pick. Come on.

My number one pick is Chick-fil-A. That sucks. Because here's, I'm going to make the case. All right? You don't have to. We're angry. I know. I was saying you don't have to.

People have eaten there. But look, Chick-fil-A is one of those places that I'm qualifying this as, I'm eating there every day. Yeah. Except for Sundays. It's great. But I'm eating there every single day because you can just keep eating it. It's too good. In fact, I kind of want to go there for lunch today.

Yeah, I had dinner there last night, and I feel like this draft is over. I don't know. There's a lot of other picks, but none as good as mine. All right. Mike, you were on the clock. I took Chick-fil-A with my number one pick. Do you go with the Giant? I feel like I know where you're going to go.

You have to. You cannot pander to the Giant. No, but I mean, by the Giant, as in it's the biggest, but I feel like no one likes it. This is your draft. This is your draft. Make your team. It is over, though. I'm going to win.

Yeah, it's a problem. Because I've already got some sneaky picks coming up. This is mine. Delicious. Mike, the fact Mike can't decide. No, I'm going with In-N-Out Burger. Oh, wow. That's a great pick.

That is a fantastic pick. McDonald's. McDonald's. I'm going with the giant. That's what I couldn. That is a fantastic pick. McDonald's. McDonald's. I'm going with the giant. That's what I couldn't decide if I want to go with it because McDonald's sucks. I'm going, no. They won't sponsor this podcast.

I don't know if they're sponsoring podcasts these days. Hey, listen. But if they are, they might be better than we think. McDonald's should have been the first pick. I love Chick-fil-A. If I'm choosing to eat food, I would rather be eating Chick-fil-A than McDonald's. And In-N-Out. But McDonald's is the one-on-one. Not just because they're the biggest.

McDonald's, nobody wants to admit it, but it's delicious. It's fantastic. The Big Mac, the Quarter Pounder, the Double Quarter Pounder, just the cheeseburger. Oh, my gosh. I'm leaving right now for McDonald's. By yourself. Why I could not go with McDonald's because the only things I want to eat from McDonald's are the chicken McNuggets and their French fries.

I do not want a burger from McDonald's. Oh, man. I want every single burger that they have right up until the minute that I'm finished. Yeah. It's like there's a switch that goes off. You take that last bite and you go, the second to last bite, you're still feeling great. They call that the Arby's effect. Ooh.

Unfortunately. Speaking of in and out. Look, I'm taking Chipotle. Come on, man. I'm going to strip Mike of all his in and out. Look, I'm taking Chipotle. Come on, man. I'm going to strip Mike of all his hope and dreams. I'm taking Chipotle, another place that I could eat at many, many days in a row. This is ridiculous. Yeah, there's a level of health there that minus the concerns that happened last year.

That's pretty good. So you get burritos. You get tacos. You get bowls. You get delicious. This is preposterous, man. Good luck, Mike. You're up. I got Chick-fil-A and Chipotle.

Yeah, you're off to a strong start. I'm digging in then. Five guys. Oh. I'm going to be the cheeseburger king of this draft. I don't blame you. Five guys is great. Five guys.

Unfortunately, you're – I have to go with a strategy now. I believe, Mike, one of your holes in your team is your regionality. I am fairly confident that both In-N-Out and Five Guys are not nationally distributed in a fashion that will win you this poll. You are absolutely correct that they are

regional, but you are doubting the ferocity at which people love In-N-Out and Five Guys. That's true. I don't care you you are doubting the ferocity at which people love in and out that's true that's true i don't care where you are in the world you know mcdonald's you know my pick that was the 101 i was so happy it was actually the 103 that mike didn't take it because i wanted it and you know what else i was so happy that wasn't taken and i was trying to talk andy off of because starbucks is i mean mc, McDonald's and Starbucks? Are you kidding me?

I'm in third place and I'm winning the draft. Do you want the Yankees too? Sure. If they were, I mean, I want the best. Give me all of the best and then you guys can have the leftovers. That's fine with me. Well, I need a burger. Come to McDonald's.

And I'm going to take the one that comes with Frosties. All right. Wendy's. All right. I'm taking Wendy's. I still think of all the, like... You have my team. Of all the McDonald's category burger places,

I'd rather eat a Wendy's burger than all of them. I 100% agree. Now, Five Guys is a little different. I'm getting out of my car. I'm going in. Yes. And I'd rather eat that burger. But if I'm'm staying in my car i don't want to eat a burger other than the wendy's burger wendy's burgers suck but i will say mcdonald's man over here

you're ridiculous look wendy's are like never frozen they don't have that the wendy's they don't have that frozen they don't have that frostbite appeal. The thawed. McDonald's. I get a Frosty every time I go there. That's true. Now, that's where you're going to win my heart, is with the Frostys, which are great. Shout out to the vanilla Frosty float. Shout out to an actual food item. And look, if anybody is getting a legitimate shout-out and deserves it here, it's Wendy's social media.

If you don't follow Wendy's Twitter account, I mean, if we were drafting fast food Twitter accounts, that's the home run winner. All right, so Andy, you've got Mike's favorite places of all time, Chick-fil-A and Wendy's. And Wendy's. Mike has got In-N-Out and Five Guys, and Mike's favorite places of all time. Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A and Wendy's. And Wendy's. Mike has got In-N-Out and Five Guys, and he's got another pick right now. It's just preposterous that you have taken all of my picks, and you got me tilting thinking about if I get dessert inside of the. Oh, no.

It's just so. It's another. It's so niche again. Oh, maybe it's not what I'm thinking then. I can hear TCBY coming. Remember that place? Is TCBY still around? No, I don't think there are any more TCBYs.

They've been eliminated by all the self-servers? I think so. If you're going burgers... Don't give them any help. I'm just saying... Just let them pick. There's one place that has the best, and it's still on the board. No, it's not. I already have both of the best burgers. No, you don't.

And I will fight you in a ring with no gloves over this, because it's the best. Just two slabs of meat on his wrist, on his fist. Yes, exactly. Beef battle. Beef battle. You tie him on. Mike, you've got to make a pick, or I'm going to time you out here. The McDonald's patties are what would be on my hand because they're so thin.

Because they're frozen. Why not? Frozen. Just help the fight. Because you're getting knuckles? You're basically, yeah. Yeah, brass knuckles. From McDonald's.

All right. I've got to get some star power in here, some name recognition, so I'm going to take Burger King. Oh, come on. I wanted them. Did you? I just want, look. You just want all the biggest known restaurants. Exactly right.

I just want the biggest. You know what? You should have made a case about McDonald's. See, the case that I think you can make about McDonald's. It's the fries. Well, it's the fries and it's got to be for the kids a little bit. The Happy Meal in Nostalgic Powers. It's just kind of special for the kids.

My kids hate McDonald's. My kids won't eat it either. They will not eat it. My son will not eat McDonald's, and he will tell me. He goes, that place is trash. No jokes. My nine-year-old thinks it's garbage. All three of my kids hate McDonald's. I have literally never, ever been able to drive past a McDonald's without my kids hate McDonald's. I have literally never ever been able to drive

past a McDonald's without my kids saying we should go to McDonald's. If we just left a McDonald's and we're driving and we pass one, someone's saying, can I get another Happy Meal? Shout out to the Happy Meal. I've got a real dilemma

on my hands, but Jason, you got your pick first. Okay. Look, I've got the burgers. You can take the New York Yankees. I've got a real dilemma on my hands, but Jason, you got your pick first. Okay. Look, I've got the burgers. You can take the New York Yankees. I've got the drinks in Starbucks. I'm going variety here with one of my absolute favorite places in the world, adding to the team. If you're in a pinch, money's short you want to make

ten dollars oh no yeah i'm already writing it down hundred items of food that you can enjoy late at night it's taco bell all right you ring my bell yeah so all of yours are awesome diuretics I don't know McDonald's, Starbucks, and Taco Bell I'm in a pickle here because I have two choices that I cannot decide from between

but because of our you know what Dunkin Donuts I'm taking Dunkin Donuts we did have donut conversation. I want to go. There's nothing more fun than taking your kid to Dunkin' Donuts, pick out something.

Maybe pick the family up a little, Baker's does, and bring them home, a little Long John action. Shout out to Boston Cream. They're just the best donut in the world. Look, this is the shout out mock draft. I'm thrilled to be a part of it. Shout out to Boston Cream.

Boston Cream donuts are the best. Mike, I'm going to complete the hipster draft, the hipster burger draft. I'm not sure Burger King fits in there, but go on. No, I had to get a little bit of name recognition. You better be taking the best burger then. Then the hipster one came around. I'm going to take Whataburger. Yes, you did it. Did I get it?

I am so proud of you. Thank you. Whataburger. Whataburger. They got one major problem there. Oh. They throw mustard on everything. That's so good.

They do? Oh, the default burger has mustard. That's the only condiment that comes on. Really? It's so good. It's the best regular mustard. They are the best burgers in fast food. In the 1940s.

When mustard was the sweetest condiment in all the land. Because I'm not sure I consider Five Guys fast food. I mean, I know it applies. Quick service restaurant. Absolutely. But, yeah, I don't... Between my four pack of burger powerhouses, I'm feeling pretty strong.

I'm just going to complete. I'm going to complete the. Oh, it's just take it. Powerhouse. Take the absolute. Oh, I know you don't like this. Subway. No.

McDonald's. Starbucks. Subway. Taco Bell. From the third position. I just want to say right now the guacamole that they try to sell you at Subway is the most watered-down sludge of the sewer guac that you could ever have. You've got to get the avocado spread.

That's what I'm talking about. No, they've got where it's just avocado. Chick-fil-A, Chipotle, Wendy's, Dunkin' Donuts. Mike has In-N-Out, Five Guys, Burger King, and Whataburger. Jason went with McDonald's, Starbucks, Taco Bell, and Subway. He thinks he can win this thing, and maybe he can. We'll find out. Here's what I learned today, guys.

The people will speak. What did you learn? Oh, I learned that Jason, he is best friends with food objects. Just food. He will shout out food. If you have pleasured him by being eaten by him, he will give you a shout out. Yeah, I got to give a shout out to cake pops, especially the birthday cake pops. They're so good.

They're so moist. What I learned today was that our number one star MLS player is Abraham Linkanovich. Oh, that's what I was going to go with. Abraham Linkanovich. Man, he's good. Ah, that's what I was going to go with. Abraham Lincolnovich. Man, he's good at soccer. As I learned that the one defender of soccer on this panel

struggled to name two major league players. He could only name Abraham. Good old Abraham. Four score. Thanks for listening. A few goals to go. Tell your family. Tell your friends.

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