Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 150: Acid Rain & Things To Throw Off A Building - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 17, 2021

We have another jam packed episode for you today! We discuss jacked cartoon characters, defining the assassination threshold, and the ideal time of day to take a nap. We end the show with a draft of things we would like to throw off of a tall building. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube

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with more than 6,000 reviews. Show them some love, ipvanish.com slash ballers to get the deal and start protecting yourself online. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Squishy, bishy, bouncy, a-pipi-doo-doo! Welcome in! Was that a...

Look, I loved it. The landing, which pun intended for the upcoming draft. Very well done. Was that scheduled or was that a panic pee-pee-doo-doo? Either is acceptable. Well, I got to know the listeners at home. They want to know. Did you bail out?

Your bedingy is pee-pee-doo-doo? Is pee-pee-doo-doo? No. No. It might have to do oh with the draft but we'll wait and see very excited i don't know if it's better if that's something you improvised or something you planned i'm not sure either one is a great outcome what better way to celebrate episode 150 of the Spitballers podcast Than with really Some of the keywords that describe the show

Andy, Mike, and Jason Back with you, would you rather That's a great question A spectacular draft Today And you can find us on Twitter At SpitballersPod The website, you can find out how you can support this

Podcast Still going after 150 shows They can't stop us Bivallerspod.com is the website. You can find out how you can support this podcast. Still going after 150 shows. They can't stop us. They can't. The barrier to entry is so low. We appreciate all the reviews. We do read them. And when they show up on Apple Podcasts, I check them out.

And I'm always so happy that we bring some happy to your day. That's the goal. That's what we're trying to do. It is correct. Let's get it started. Would you rather? All right, JD from Patreon. One of our supporters says,

Oh, JD, that's a handsome fellow. Yeah. Would you rather be able to build anything but not be able to fix things or be able to fix anything but not be able to ever build anything from scratch? Now, as people that can neither fix nor build, how do we feel about this? Which is more aspirational to you? Well, I could say this as someone who can do neither neither uh whichever it is um this is a great question because at the end of this i'm

improved yeah no matter which way i go here i'm better than i was today now my first thought is okay i can build anything right but what would i build like you could build a thing right but what would i build like you could build a tree house for your kids build anything right no i get the premise the premise is i could build anything it's like it's a blank page it's just it's you could do anything so you're gonna do nothing because you're terrified well it's more like what about a custom home what would i want how long would that take yeah i know you could do it well yes you could but would you want to yeah, you could, but would you want to? Yeah. If I could build a home, I think I'd want to build a home. They're very connected.

I mean, how long? If I could fix a car, I would fix a car. How long would it take one person to build? Oh, a single person? To build a home. Well, it depends how big the home is. I mean, this- Not very long.

You're not doing a Lincoln Log cabin. No, but if you're building a one-room... We call that a shed. If you're building a one-room shed, you could do that in a day or two. I think it'd be neat to be able to do it. It would be incredible. It would be awesome, and I still wouldn't do it. I mean, if I had the ability, which technically I guess I have.

I can do things. I don't have the knowledge but um i'm just thinking and my regular day-to-day life my my normal day-to-day life i don't usually think man i wish i could build this thing i wish i wish i could build you know i okay i don't have that thought very often aka never um but like never you never wish you could build something because that thought is so far away from anything that you could achieve that thank you andy yeah he gets it um well it's same for me too i i think that the small benefit of fixing things is there like being able to fix anything that would come up a lot yeah the toaster is a little it's it's burning my toast i got this let me yeah that's usually just turn the number

down see and i can fix it now i can fix it i thought you do fix those problems right now because you have the amazon app on your phone that's right and i get a new toaster i and i call the plumber who's like oh i could i can fix this garden and al borland comes over people people now one of them is to me one of them is clearly better but it just comes down to time because if you can build anything that means you can actually fix anything because if okay the i can build a toaster for some reason i cannot fix the toaster i can now build a new i can build a new toaster but if you can only that's right but if you can only fix you cannot create yeah but but it says would you rather be able to build anything but not be able to fix things?

That's what I'm saying, though. But I can build another one. Yeah, he could build a fresh toaster. But I can't fix a new toaster into existence. I'm going to go build. I want to be able to build stuff. I want the pride of having built something significant. Furniture would be cool.

Sure. significant furniture would be cool sure like i i know people that man i know i know people that like they build beautiful beautiful pieces of furniture like stuff you would see you know at a luxury uh store and i mean i mean well done finished like when it comes when i look at things like that i i think it's impossible to build. Like, a machine did this thing. Not like partially. Like, robots put this together because human hands cannot do it. But that would be really neat to be able to. You would become the most insufferable person in all of humanity.

Imagine going to Jason Moore's house, and he has, in fact, built his furniture. Everything you sit down and, oh, you like that? Yeah, I built it. I built that. You're darn everything you sit down and oh you like that yeah i built it i built that you're darn right i did oh you like this house i yeah i'm building i'm a builder now i'm a builder i'm taking the building because i'm gonna make you suffer through uh my walkthrough of everything the worst yeah that would be trouble mike which is your official i'm building all right yeah phil from the website would you rather get hit by a josh hater fastball i now is that impressive yeah josh hater is a pitcher yeah something stupid he's not that actor i mean we could have just funny guy we could have just said a fastball like that would have been a way we could about nolan ryan that's good current

nolan ryan oh i see i see are specifics here. Get hit by a Josh Hader fastball, get tackled by primary Lewis or take a charge from LeBron James with a full head of steam. I feel like this is a pun intended a layup. Am I wrong here? Well, I mean, it's would you rather have three? So I would rather take the charge. Yeah. I mean, look, LeBron is easily the biggest, strongest. I think he's a superior athlete even to Ray Lewis. But when LeBron is coming down and, you know, I'm taking the charge from LeBron, I am not – he's not trying to hurt me, right?

But a tackle, you are trying to be hurt. And the fastball's out. You can't take the fastball. No, because fastball is you're hurt. Yeah, you are trying to be fast balls out. You can't take a fast ball. Cause fast ball is you're hurt. Yeah. You're, I mean the best, I think the best scenario of the fast ball is it hits you in the butt cheek,

which is why they teach you as a small kid going in little league, turn away from the pitch, which is also a kind of like a present your kidneys to the ball. Just turn towards, you know, where the umpire is. If the ball's coming in, you just turn away. Just turn away.

Yeah, you have to. Now, however – No one would need to teach me that. Like, look at the ball, and if it's coming right at you, step forward into it. Toss the bat down, open up, present chest. Well, that's where the story – Establish dominance.

That's where the story was going. Because I did turn into a pitch once. What, like Happy Gilmore style? I turned towards. Because I had an open stance when I played baseball. So I accidentally opened up and turned towards the pitcher. Ipso facto hit me in a spot that. Oh, no, in the bedingy?

Not so good. Oh, really? Yeah. In the bedingy. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. So that was. Oh, really? Yeah. In the Badingi. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. So that was.

Oh, man. Were you cupped up? I was cupped up. Okay. Didn't matter. Didn't matter much. You wear a cup in baseball? Yes.

Yeah, you do. I did not know that. Specifically for, because there is a. I'm pretty sure cups were invented for baseball. Yeah, it's a very dense ball. I'm not sure you wear them for anything else. That's true. You don't wear them in football.

You don't wear them in basketball. You don't wear a cup in football. I think some people do, but most of them don't. I would. All right. Yeah, I mean, it's got to be the layup here. We're taking the charge. We're taking the charge.

But, I mean, if it's the tackle, I presume, like, if it's a tackle. You're padded up. You're padded up, and you're not just standing there. Yeah, but you're concussed. But you get to actually try and protect yourself from the tackle. This isn't just stand there like a dummy and get smashed where taking the. I imagine it's catching you by surprise. Well, no, because you're on offense.

You're running the football. But you have the ball. So you know that people are trying to tackle you. If you're taking a charge. You won't have it for long. You're not finding the football. But you have the ball. So you know that people are trying to tackle you.

If you're taking a charge, you are standing there, turning your head, and just accepting it. So I'm not exactly sure that taking the charge is the right thing to do. I'm pretty confident in that. But Andy brings up a good question, a little rabbit hole here. If you had the ball and you had a Ray Lewis tackle you in his prime, do you think you could successfully be tackled without fumbling the ball? Like, I mean, that's a talent at this point is to be tackled. I think so because I would have a really firm grip in the fetal position.

Oh, man, my arms would be flying through the air as I do my backflip. That ball's 20 yards away. Alright, would you rather have a leap year birthday or a Christmas birthday? Stay young. This is simple. Simple to the point where I don't know what your answer is.

Oh, look. My wife's birthday is very near Christmas. Two of my children's birthday is very near Christmas. Two of my children's birthdays are very near Christmas. My wife's as well, so I know where you're going. I promise you, you don't want to have a Christmas birthday because your birthday just is absorbed by Christmas, and it affects your present count because people are like,

oh, well, I'll just give you a little bit of a – you get like one and a half presents. You don't get two. You get a slightly bigger one. Listen, Mike. I don't think you know what you're saying. Because I know you. And if you're a leap year birthday, you're the center of attention.

It's a talking point for the rest of your life. Oh, that's the guy with the leap. If you're Christmas, you blend in. You don't even get a party, Mike. Don't you want to just blend in? Mike, you couldn't have a legal libation until you were 84 human years old. The downside of the leap year birthday is the hilarity of the jokes. Oh, you're only two years old, which is not funny.

You would say that to an eight-year-old mike i don't know i just threw out a real tempted to uh but i'm telling you the the people who have the christmas birthdays they do not like it no i of course not i mean no it's all we had a friend have a friend nick vance is his birthday is on is on christmas and that's you don't have a birthday. It's irrelevant. I couldn't do that. I would have to be on a leap year.

And honestly, I feel like if you were born on a leap year, it's actually a positive, not a negative. That's like a really cool novelty thing. I like novelty things in life. Like, oh, I got a birthmark that looks like Hawaii. Check this out. It's on his three wishes from a genie. That was your comp? I mean, yeah.

It's just like something that doesn't matter. That's like a neat little party trick. I don't think. I mean, my grandfather had a Christmas birthday. And everybody had to really make an effort to give him the attention he deserved. Was your grandfather delightful, like happy-go-lucky man? No, grump. Grumpski. And it could have all been because of that.

He needed some birthday presents. Yeah, growing up, his birthday did not get the attention it needed. Never got birthday presents. They just took the Christmas presents, set it to the side, wrapped it in a different wrapping paper. That's all that happened. Justin from Twitter,

would you rather have the Simpsons or the Griffins as neighbors? Okay, now the Simpsons from the Simpsons, Griffins from Family Guy. Yeah. I mean, it's easy. I know this is another easy question. I thought these were supposed supposed to be difficult you got to go with the simpsons i know it's it's chaotic uh in springfield but the but family guy and the griffins this that's a different type of cartoon

where they are frequently like destroying things because it's a cartoon and everything comes back but the simpsons has a little bit more realism where the Griffins will go full cartoon. A little bit of heart. Yeah, there's some heart sometimes in Family Guy, but they're more like they'll blow up the house type of situation, or your house. Yeah, but what if this meant that you were, in fact, Ned Flanders? I mean, at that point, would you rather be Ned Flanders

living next to The Simpsons, or would you just take your chances with Destruction and Mayhem for Family Guy? You're annoying. You're super annoying, but I don't know if you guys have caught the Simpsons where Ned Flanders will go shirtless.

Oh, he does have. He is ripped. He is shredded. I'm Googling. He's stupid, sexy Flanders. Googley Google, Ned Flanders. Nobody check the Google history here. Turn the safe search on. Yeah. Oh, man.

He's super buff. He's super buff. Now, okay. I would like to be Ned Flanders. I mean, I would much rather. If this is a, would you rather be annoying with a shredded body or like a normal person with my body? I'm taking the shredded annoying guy. I diddly do.

Oh man, he's jacked up. He's ripped. Yeah. You, you now, you know, for you, Ned, you should cut that out. Put it on the mirror. That'll be your motivation. Your body goals. Ned, I can't grow a mustache like that that's a sweet mustache all right let's move on

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Whoa. Okay. That fits here. That's a great question. It is. That's a very difficult question. Oh, but I mean, that's what we tackle here. We come up with answers to difficult questions like this.

All assassinations are murders. Not all murders are assassinations. Right. So where is the line? How important? I i mean it's it's clearly on the level of importance right wrong you don't think so yeah i i actually have a different take i think it has to do with the who's doing the murdering yeah how many names do they have oh they got to have the three three names well i think it has to come from

yeah i guess a single person can assassinate, right? It doesn't have to be a government that assassinates. I often think a government goes and assassinates somebody. Well, you might be under like a government or a group. But it could be in either direction, right? If you're from the government, you know, obviously if you're a president, you are assassinated. You've never. Yes.

Now, or is it, or is it it i think we're getting more to the real meat of it is it a murder is like vindictive you know what i mean like it's it's it's it's whereas an assassination is it's for it's for the group it's for the others it's like it's for the people you think you're doing something. This isn't for me. Right, exactly. Just doing a murder. No big deal. No, because you're an assassin. This isn't like, your motivation isn't like.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you have to be an assassin to do an assassination? I don't think so. Oh. Do you have? Well, I mean, you certainly become an assassin. Is that part of the creed? There's no way that you can do an assassination successfully.

You completed your assassination, and you're not an assassin. Because at that point, if you're not an assassin, there's no way this is an assassination. Can you do an accidental assassination? That's not possible. No. No, I don't think that's possible. Mr. Magoo? No.

It's just, oops! Inspector Gadget. We took out JFK. We finally found out this dude slipped on the grassy knoll, and this little rifle went off. What an assassin. I don't know the answer to this question. It's definitely a matter of importance. I mean, it's certainly a matter of importance.

So you're saying an average Joe can't be assassinated. That's right. You couldn't be assassinated. I could be assassinated. That's where I was going to go next. Have you reached that? How many things have you built oh let me show you inside i will show you all of the things i have built so god do you have to work for uh you have to be important but you don't have to necessarily like

dr martin luther king yeah he was assassinated he was not motivated he was not though a part of the government no but he was a leader of the civil rights movement. Yeah. You can't be a celebrity. Celebrities are assassinated. Do you do it by followers now? I mean, is that how it would be judged? Your social media?

If you have over a million? I don't think they could do that just because there's so many really famous assassinations. And they can't go back and be like, well, sorry, Lincoln wasn't assassinated because he didn't have any social media presence. What now? Yeah, I know. I'm just saying they want to keep these things consistent over time. This is for the history books. What if he was the president of an HOA?

Is that important enough? He's certainly getting assassinated. I mean, you want to cycle off if you're the president of an HOA before the assassination comes along because they're the worst. So importance. But I think that's the question is how important. I think it is importance within a group. You have to be part of some kind of group, whether it's political, social.

Like if you run a company, can you get assassinated if you're the head of a company i don't think so not unless not unless your company is like you know some high tech what if what about military operation what about bono you're the leader of a band no no can't be assassinated well he's like the leader of like smug though what if arnold schwarzenegger was killed and he had a governor he was a governor when he had a governor. But he was a governor. When he was a governor. That's why I brought him up. If he was killed whilst being governing, then he's assassinated.

Elon Musk? No. Well, we are. Look, the Tesla community, we're kind of cultish. Could he be the first space assassination? Oh, maybe. I mean, if there is a first space... Say that three times fast.

Space assassination. Space assassination. That's a space assassination. Judicial system. That's a tough one. Samsonite. I was way off. Yeah, it'll be...

This is the best question we've ever had. So, to conclude... I just keep bringing up names, trying to figure out if they're assassinations. To conclude, you have to be super important and part of a group of people that think that something matters. That's it. Including government. Well, yeah. That qualifies.

Shannon from Patreon with a great question. On a previous episode, you had the opportunity to speak a new law into existence. on with a great question on a previous episode you had the opportunity to speak a new law into existence in contrast to that if you had the power the power to abolish an existing law what would it be oh man what i got mine i have mine that's i mean i'll go first since i said i had mine first guys go the speed limit is gone on the freeways we freeways. We're not talking, you know, look, we're in residential areas. That's, you know, we're by a school. Oh, yeah, let's disclaim it now after you go, the speed limit is gone. Yeah, I'm just saying, the Autobahn, the Autobahn works.

I'll be super safe. I just set a new record in that school zone. I got a 120 miles an hour. No. Look, I think that highway speed limits are stupid i do i think that it's okay i think that i think nitsa disagrees with you but of course they disagree there's a law about it that i'm here exercising my right to revoke a law according to patreon uh member shannon and uh she says says I have the right.

But I believe, and I'm not going to look this up and research it, okay? I just believe this, so take it as fact. That the Autobahn is actually really safe. And that's like a freeway that doesn't have a speed limit. There's some problems with that contention. One, physics. The faster you go, the more damage

is done when an accident happens. Two, I don't think the Autobahn was experimented as an American transition to an infinite speed limit. That transition period is going to be tough. We'll have to use lanes better. If you're slower, you better get

over. Because if you're in the Autobahn and you're flying at 120, that's just... I can't fathom people actually, like, it really happens? I mean, I know we hear tale of it over here. Like, everyone's like, oh, you know, there's a freeway where there's no speed limit?

How awesome is that? Is it really that awesome? It's faster. It's certainly faster. And this says, this says, the Audubon, 22 people died per 1 000 injury crashes a rate lower than the 29 deaths per 1 000 injury crashes on con conventional rural roads so it's actually safer than a rural road but i think that that's true right now like the freeways are safer than a

road today without unlimited speed limits too yeah so let's leave it there and take those highway speed signs off. I want to completely abolish all tax law. Oh man, I should have gone with that. That is not to say I don't want to pay taxes. Well, what I want is I want, this is a ridiculous universe we live in in America. Send me a bill. You know all the information, right?

Because if I report to you, I have to go through all these lengths of hiring all these companies that lobby the government to keep their jobs and keep the tax code and guess what when i send you my information that i've worked on and paid for you tell me if i'm right or not and then you bill me anyway how much how much do i owe you why don't you tell us how much you owe me? Just send me a bill, baby. Now, here's the best part about this. HR Block is blocking that.

We have carte blanche to remove a law. I stupidly did not do taxes. Andy was like, oh, dude, I'm repealing the taxes. And then he's like, no, no, no. No, no, no. I'm not repealing taxes. Just the CPAs. I just want to get right to paying the taxes.

You can't crumble the system. Dude, 10%. Cross the board. System's done. Boom. No, that's fine. I love it. Just simply, we don't have a simple system because we didn't have a simple system. And when you didn't have something, a whole industry was created. I'm getting practical. Oh, I love it.

I love it. Mike, I don't have one. Mike loves every law. Yeah, clearly everything's going great. You're going to try to get rid of DUIs again. Look, I've been saying it my entire life. If I can walk, drunk. All right. Kids, that's not a good one to get rid of.

You don't have one, though. Okay, we'll move on. Al Borland, do you have one that you're just ready to get rid of? No. Okay. All right. Yeah, see? I'm not over here thinking about taxes all the time.

Mike is like, all the laws are perfect. Yeah. Why can't I piss in my front yard? Yeah. Hey, good question. There you go. Good question. Malcolm from the website.

If you could switch the sounds of any two animals, which would you choose? Oh, man. Well, you've got to go to extremes here, clearly. You have to find the animal that has the most interest. What's the most? An elephant. Okay. Where do we put the elephant?

That's where I was going to go. I'm giving the elephant. I'm giving it to a hamster. Okay. That little hamster is going gonna be running in the wheel at night now i can't help but picture a hamster with a with a trunk now like the trunk comes with it right no you don't get the trunk but how's the sound coming i don't know you all right that's not bad i, I've got mine for sure. I'm swapping out the sound of a dog. And this is crazy because I am a dog lover. I'm a cat hater.

But I'm switching them. I'm switching the sounds they make because my dog barks too much. Okay. The doorbell rings or the pool. Oh, man. If the pool guy is over, it's just, it's anarchy. I mean, he is protecting this home, and he knows someone is in the backyard that is not part of this family. So you don't like that your dog does his job?

No, no, no. I want him to do the job. I just want it to be meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Because then I'm not going to be super annoyed by it. I'm barely going to hear it. I've got mine. The whales. The whale sound.

The birds got it now. Oh, they're everywhere. They're just flying around with those moans. I think you don't realize how often you hear birds chirping. Well, I will now. Yeah. I don't think you realize how loud whales are. But isn't that like a thing people fall asleep to, like whale sounds?

Yeah, they're peaceful. It's basically like we're going to be out playing pickleball. It's going to be like an air raid is going off around us. It's flip-flop too, right? Because they said switch them. So now an elephant sounds like a hamster, which is nothing, I guess. That's the sound. which is nothing I guess and that's and then all the in the ocean all the whales are

tweeting tweet tweet alright one more Henry from Patreon what is the ideal time of day for a nap that seems easy show me whenever good answer good answer ding ding ding ding ding ding Well, that seems easy. Show me whenever.

Good answer. Good answer. Good answer. Good answer. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Is there a point where it's too early or too late? That's what I think is the problem. There is a point where it's too early or too late. So, for instance, let's say-

1230 to 2. Perfect time. Let's say I wake up at 630, and if it's 73030 a.m., that's not a nap. I'm going back to bed. You know what I mean? I got up for an hour, and I went back to bed. That's not a nap. So I think it's got to be after the breakfast hour.

Oh, nice. That's fine. 11 to 2. Yeah, I think, yeah. 10.30 is when breakfast used to be over at McDonald's, and so that's my barometer. It's also a good way to get a nap. Absolutely.

You have a nice McDonald's breakfast and 10.30 hits. Oh, you're not serving. I can't even stay awake. And then, you know, up till, oh, I can nap after dinner. So I don't know about. It's called sleeping. Yeah. You don't want to run the risk of the accidental nap conversion.

Oh, man, that's the worst you're talking about. You convert that over. You lost that time, and it's panic mode. Yeah, when you lay down at 6.30 at night for a nap, and then all of a sudden the worst-case scenario is you end up with a good two-hour nap, and it's 8.30, and you wake up, and you're like, well, it's tomorrow. Your you wake up and you're like well i'm on it's tomorrow your nap cannot

cross the threshold of sunset no no no if you if you wake up and it's a different yeah wake up and the sun is down you are hosed yeah that's your body will recover from that that's just called jet lag right that's what jet lag is yeah you. Nap lag. The level of disorientation that will happen when you wake up then. What year is it? Where am I? I've done that before where I took a nap, woke up when it was dark, but then the kids were still awake and I had to put them to bed. It was like, what?

Yeah. It's really like, what year is this? Who's the president? Who's eating cereal? Yeah. I'm just so thrown off from existence. He tries to pick up the McDonald's breakfast, doesn't know what's going on. All right, it's time to draft.

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slash Spitballers. The promo code is Spitballers. 20% off. Mack Weldon. Reinventing men's basics. The Spitballers Draft. Alright. Another sophisticated draft coming your way. We are picking things The Spitballers Draft. All right. Another sophisticated draft coming your way. We are picking things that we'd like to throw off of a high-rise building. I've been waiting all show.

To break them out? No. I've been sitting on Jason's intro and just absolutely thrilled with the first pick here. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Clearly, Jason first pick here. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Clearly, Jason has some interest.

Yeah. I mean, look, I wasn't expecting for this to be the one-on-one, but this is one of, if not the worst draft to have the one-on-one because I don't think there's like a thing that's like, oh man, I got to throw this. I don't know. I got some good stuff over here. Exactly. You got good stuff. You don't have a good one.

I have a clear one-on-one. You do? Yeah. What is it? I'll draft it. Oh, okay. All right. Nice one.

Yeah, I mean, look. No Andy Holloway over here. I asked Andy this the other day. He came up with this idea for the draft, and I was like, ooh, would this be allowed? Because it says throw off the top, and it wouldn't be fun if that's what I'm doing, but I'm taking a whiz off the top of this building. That's my one-on-one. I mean, you're on a super tall building.

You're throwing a whiz? I'm throwing a whiz. I'm throwing a whiz down the side of this building, because it's like, where else is it? I mean, there is no way. How far down that building, Empire State Building, that's where we're at. Sure, okay.

I mean, how far until it's just vapor and it doesn't hit the ground? Why don't you find out? You go down there and you tell me what the results are. We'll assemble your bail money and you go do that. Is it illegal if it never hits the ground? Another lottery peel. I mean, i imagine that am i stupid to think it just turns into if it doesn't drip you must acquit yeah if it doesn't if it can't form a puddle i would imagine it would hit the ground right like rain hits rain hits the ground it comes from taller than

buildings it doesn't just like oh it could never get to the ground it's gonna evaporate from taller than buildings. It doesn't just like, oh, it could never get to the ground. It's going to evaporate. All right, so you have chosen to just throw off the whole dress. I'm peeing off the top of the wall. All right, I'm going to throw something

off a building. There are a number of things that I, I would love to see this. Mike reminded us that long ago, David Letterman. Oh, yes. Had a thing, you know, people want to see this. David Letterman had a thing. People want to see this.

This is like a YouTube thing. Yeah, it's fun. So it's fun. The idea of seeing something fall for a long time and then explode or hit the ground. What's it going to do? What's it going to do? What is it going to do? And I guess I will go with, for my 101, I'm going to keep it simple.

I'm going to go with a watermelon. Oh, it's on my list. It's on my list. It's on my list. It's the most practical thing, like in real life. Yeah, if you said, hurry, get to that building, throw something off. It would be a watermelon. I could get a watermelon.

That's what I would pick. Because I would never. That would be so satisfying to see. I would never actually pee off a building. So you had the first pick. Well, but I don't want to. Watermelon's boring. It's like. Oh, no. I mean, it's like, I know what it's going to do.

Drop it off. It's going to be awesome. It will be awesome. What are you talking about? All right. It was on my list. It was just low on my list. I know what it's going to do and it's going to be super cool. Okay. I hope you pick a pumpkin. Well, you can take pumpkin.

All right, my 101 came to me. Okay. Like, come on. It's a good old-fashioned bowling ball, man. Yeah. You got to drop something that has mass. Yeah, it's got mass. It's got weight to it. You know what's cutting right through the air.

Oh, yeah. And that thing is just how far down into the ground no no no and or does it bounce yeah that's what look in my in my research for this draft which you researched this yeah i mean this i take this job pretty serious no it's a good four five hours and um you know in in my heavy research for this draft i did come across uh someone saying that you know they dropped a bowling ball off of a five-story building and it bounced. Okay.

Well, that's five stories. I mean, we're much higher than five. Yeah, but how far does it take to get terminal velocity? Like, you're going to end up- I don't think we're going to hit that from the top of a building. Okay. Well, then it's bouncing. Hashtag not scientists.

All right. So, you're going bowling ball. That makes sense. All right. And he's out bowling ball. That makes sense. All right. And he's out. No, no, no. It's not a matter of being out.

It's a matter of whatever. We're going back-to-back balls here. Okay. I'm dropping a super ball, a super bouncy ball. Now, that's going to bounce. I hope. And how high up does that thing actually get what is the maximum i imagine that hits terminal velocity for it right maybe but like when you spike those things into the ground i mean they you want to see how many stories it goes up yes has anyone ever done this here's the thing yes i think they probably have it's it's gonna be disappointing because here's what you want to have happen.

It comes all the way back to you. Exactly. I want it to yo-yo. I want to drop this sucker down and be able to catch it in about 15 seconds with its back up. That would be awesome. I'm not expecting that because of science. Right. Well, sure, if you want to get all science-y.

A little physics says it won't happen. But my point is, I think it'll be disappointing because you'll be like, oh, man, I thought it would go higher. Okay. Well, there's only one way to find out. All right. I'm going piano with my second pick. It's on my list. Because come on. Who wouldn't want to see a piano fall for hundreds of stories and then explode? No, certainly.

It's also very cartoony. Yeah. In fact. There's a few cartoon ones in there, but that's the number one for me. When I was making my list, I wrote down watermelon because it's like, yeah, you throw a watermelon off a building. And then immediately I was like, well, if I'm throwing, this is a make-believe draft. If I'm throwing a watermelon off, I'm going to throw a piano off.

That'd be way cooler. So you love all of our picks right now. They are all on my list. Yes, they are all on my list. All right. You got two right now. All right. All you have is urine so far.

Up first, I'm going to throw hundreds of parachuting toy figures off. I'm throwing a bag of the toy army parachuters because the people down below will be like, oh my gosh, there's an invasion of little army men. I'll totally make them think. I didn't go with a bag of Super Bowls because I figured that would be illegal. Yeah, a parachuting army man. Whatever, I'll give you your army. But yeah, because it's an army.

So people are scared because they think there's an actual invasion of toys exactly that'll go well with your first look they're protected they're they're not getting peed on yeah they're i mean they have umbrellas that's true they are for the acid rain you should throw them then you pee yes how acidic is your pee i'm just saying compared to rain a lot of asparagus today. Is that not what acid rain was? I thought it's... I don't know. All right.

All right. I've got one more pick. Yeah. And this one is pretty simple and obvious, guys. Because speaking of rain, I mean, I'm throwing tacos overboard. Oh. Because down at the bottom... It's raining tacos.

From out of the sky, it's raining tacos from out of the sky. It's the tacos. I just, yeah. Just throwing tacos. You're darn right. I got a Santa sack straight from Taco Bell and I'm singing the song up top one at a time. Just, it's raining tacos. Yeah. Three picks

from, I never in a million years did I expect those. Crushing this draft. Oh. Alright, my never in a million years did I expect those picks. Crushing this draft. All right, my third pick, I'm going with a flaming car. Okay. I was trying to figure out how do I drop fire. I guess a flaming car is it. I was trying to think of what I wanted on fire.

May I amend your pick? Because I'm not going to be able to pick this because you just put a car off. But I really wanted it to be, I have a Prius on my list because I hate Priuses so much. Can we set – A flaming Prius? Will you be willing to amend your pick to be a flaming Prius? Sure, sure.

Oh, awesome pick. I'm willing to go flaming Prius. Awesome pick. It'll make it easier to get it up there. Yeah. There's so little. That's right. And, man, that's a great pick because that's better than just my Prius.

I would like to set it on fire first. Yes, yes. I wanted something burning on the way down, but Prius. I would like to set it on fire first. Yes. I wanted something burning on the way down, but I couldn't think of something that would stay on fire. But I think that would. Yeah, it definitely would. And then it would be really on fire. It would be awesome.

Yeah, that would be awesome. Now that's what I call a watermelon. All right. Mike, you've got your final two picks. I know that you wanted tacos and parachuting army men. Well, not the tacos, but the army men. I really was hoping it would come back. It would be kind of cool to watch them fly down.

But would it get boring about one story down? You're just like, oh, no, this is going to be a feather. Hold on, hold on. How successful has it been when you've thrown a parachuting army? Those things just close up. That's what I was going to say. No one has ever actually had one of these things parachute, ever. You're just dropping army men.

That's all that you're doing. It seems cool on paper, but I've never, ever been able to have a parachuting army man. That's why you've got to throw a bunch of them, because one of them may be. Look, we did it. That one's still up there floating down. There's just like 15 army men with no parachutes. And then that one must be studied to figure out how it actually works.

Would it hurt to get hit by an army man from on top of the Empire State Building? Yes. Yes, it definitely would. Al, would that hurt? A parachuting one? No, not at all. Just a regular one. Like such a light object. Yeah. Really?

It would definitely hurt. What about a tic-tac? You throw a tic-tac from the top of a... Yeah, it would hurt. Let me ask you this, Andy. If you were standing four or five feet away from me... I've been hit by hail, though. Hail was bigger than a tic-tac.

It doesn't hurt. Am I right or am I right? I've been hit by hail that hurt real bad. Yeah, I've seen hail that dented a car. Yes, but I'm saying I've been hit by hail bigger than a Tic Tac and it didn't hurt. Okay. Well, my point is if I threw an army man at your face right now, it wouldn't be going as fast as falling off of a building.

And I think it would hurt. I think it would hurt too. All right. I mean, I'd miss you, but. Can you throw faster than that velocity? I this close to each other i'm guessing you can throw faster than if you dropped it from a helicopter one way to find out all right uh there are there are some people with knowledge out there that are yelling at this show today and we'll never hear you. It's a one way conversation. So this,

this is a back to a, this is like a cool factor of, you know, I want to see what happens. Yes. I want to, I want to test the limits. Mine's this pick is not just a,

let's drop something cool off of a building or throw throws because it's throwing. I want to throw a Frisbee off of the eye off of the empire state building i want to see how far would that thing actually go could that thing could that go a mile a half a mile i have no idea how good are you yeah it really depends on you look i'm gonna practice fellas okay i'm not going up there cold with no Frisbee skills. Right. That makes sense. I've got to prepare for that. Yeah, that's a few weeks. That's the max you can practice with a Frisbee, right?

Three weeks. Mike, you want to come out to the party? Wish I could. I've got a big event coming up. I'm working on something really big. So you're throwing a Frisbee. Yeah. You got one more.

I have one. Oh, man. And this is real. I mean, throwing a frisbee. You got one more. I have one. Oh man. And this is real. I mean, it's your last chance there. They're the security is trying to take you off the roof. Okay. And you're like, wait, one more thing. I got to throw one more thing. And they say, well, that depends. What is it? Yes. And you say, Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were going to say something. Because Al Borland is saying a seasoned disc golfer can throw it 400 feet or meters. Feet.

Feet. Okay, so 400 feet on flat ground. You could whiz that thing. Yeah. All right. Final pick. My final pick. He started with whiz.

You can't steal it. Well, my Final pick. My final pick. He started with Wiz. Yeah, you can't steal it. You can't steal it. Well, my final pick. Oh, it's so stupid. I love it. I love it. It sounds about right. Whatever. I'm throwing tacos.

Yeah, well, okay. That's fair. Now I feel a little bit better about the pick. Because it's just ceremonial in nature. Because it's just ceremonial in nature. It's been overused, the saying, when you hit someone with a good statement or something has closed, you drop the microphone. Oh. So I am doing literally the biggest mic drop.

Oh, that means you need a one-liner right before. Oh, yeah. I'd have to come up with something really good. I'll practice. You'll practice for a few weeks. Sorry. Can out tonight i'm journaling tonight you don't get to pick that mic back up so you better have that has to kill yeah and that i mean the stand's probably going with it at that point you're so good you're just the whole thing's over all right so you're dropping the mic i am literally dropping the mic all right we were right before the show when we knew we were doing this.

I started thinking of some things. And look, I'm not proud of this one. Oh, I've got one that I'm not proud of. I'm not proud of it. I'm tempted not to say it. But I have to. It's going to be hilarious if it's the same one. I have to say it because unfortunately, look, maybe I don't.

Oh, come on. Let's go. A hippopotamus. Yes. Oh, man. Oh, man. I'm ashamed. You are a bad person.

But I want to see it. But what's going to happen? So in this scenario, this is a bad hippopotamus, guys. Oh, evil hippopotamus. This is killed. The hippopotamus murdered. This is killed. Assassinated.

Oh, assassinated. Lots of politicians. This is like when the animal killed some people and they have to put it down, but this is the way. That's right. This is the humane way. You're not a little bit fascinated about what a hippopotamus would look like flying. would look like oh man now if you compare that for a watermelon in this i mean this is why watermelon i was making fun of the pick because this is just a better watermelon i knew hippopotamus would sneak into the last round it wasn't on my list it wasn't there oh man that is Oh, man. That is brutal. I'm sorry, hippo.

Why couldn't it just be a hippo that already died? Yeah, I guess that would have been even more humane. Why don't we launch into a backstory? Because I feel like a little bit of the reaction while it's falling is part of the allure. Right, yeah. I mean. It's got a point. You want to see what sound a hippopotamus makes?

Tossing off a building. Tossing off a building. That's what mom always said. Oh, goodness. I can't breathe. Oh, no. I had to go with it. Didn't want you to steal it.

Yeah. No, I know. I mean, had I thought of it, wow. That's a poll winner. That is a poll winner indeed. Oh, this would have been great for you to drop the mic right here. It's a final pick. Her splat.

All right. So I was thinking of taking – so Al Borland and I, here's a little – You're throwing Al Borland on? Oh, yeah. Well, if he can do a hippo, I can do a man. Al Borland, you're – walk the plank. No, no. I was telling a story here. Al and the, you walk the plank. No, no. I was telling a story here.

Al and the hippo at the same time. Yeah. Who hits first? Oh, good question. Al. He better hope it's the hippo. Oh, no. I'm pretty sure science says they both hit at the same time.

He's pushing him down mid-fall. No, they don't hit at the same time. Science does not say that. Yeah? No, it doesn't. Agree or disagree? Does a feather hit at the same time as a bowling ball? A feather has air resistance.

Yeah, so does Al. He cuts through. Is he going like this? He's very aerodynamic. He's going straight down as fast as he can. It's an anime run. He's competitive. He'd want to beat the hippo.

Okay. You're not getting there first. I will not die a loser. I might not win the race against Brooks on the beach, but I will win there. Okay. You've got a final pick, but it's not going to beat Al. No. Yeah.

So, no. What I was saying was that Al Borland and I have, whenever his family comes over and we're playing cards, having dinner or whatever, we have found that there are these little foam airplanes from Amazon that are unbelievably cool. They are. Yeah, they throw them around all the time. We just play catch like you're playing catch with a football. And we'll just throw this airplane forever. Do you want to throw a paper airplane off? Well, so I was going to do that, but I feel like the Frisbee.

Is way cooler? Yeah. No, it's just too similar. I mean, trust me, if you've thrown this paper airplane or this foam airplane. It does loops. No, I think I've got to stick to my heart here. Oh, my gosh. So I'm throwing sweet potatoes off this building. this foam airplane. It does loops. No, I think, I think I've got to stick to my heart here. Um, so I'm,

I'm, I'm, I'm throwing sweet potatoes off this building. There we go. For the people. There we go. For the people. All of them.

Symbolic. If I could get all sweet potatoes in the world, I would. So you just, to be clear, let me just sum this up for the people. Read the, read the poll winner here.

He has the classic. I mean, you had the first pick, so obviously dominating lineup here. Absolutely. You've got urine. Urine. Parachuting army men.

A lot of them. Yep. Tacos. Oh, it's raining tacos. And sweet potatoes. And sweet potatoes for, yep. The tacos are a gift. The sweet potatoes are a punishment.

That's right. So those people that catch the tacos, sweet potatoes aren't dessert. No, no. Goodness, no. The sweet potatoes are what I throw at midnight when nobody can be around to see. They find them afterwards. That's right. And then they're not going to eat that off the ground.

Mike has a bowling ball, a super bouncy ball, a Frisbee, and then he's dropping the mic with the microphone. I like it. I've got a watermelon, a piano, a flaming Prius, and a hippopotamus. I love it. Oh, boy. What did we learn today? I learned that Mike loves all law.

Yes, upstanding. He thinks that every law is perfect in the good old U.S. of A. I learned that I have a mixed understanding of terminal velocity. I don't think I learned anything today, fellas. I've learned that Andy is a masochist. Which one is it? A curious man.

A curious man, indeed. That'll do it for today's Spitballers Podcast. Thank you for tuning in, listening, laughing with us, and send us your questions, spitballerspod.com. See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Hey, Spitwads. Hey. The episode is over. Oh, no. Aw. And there may be others that you could listen to, but right now you should go

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