Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 151: Bath Sheets & Worst Places To Suddenly Have To Poop - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

Jump in to today’s episode and learn all about the ‘blood tax’ and then tell us - would YOU rather pay that instead of ever paying income tax or sales tax again? We also get a sneak peak at Jason’s bath sheets, discuss summiting Mt. Everest, and choose where we would spend $10k. Then, in true Spitballers fashion, we draft the worst places to be when you suddenly have to poop. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube

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topics more thought than they probably deserve it's's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-boom, pow, splat, splat, woo-hoo, hee-hee-hee, ha-ha. What? What? What? What just happened? There's a drought every once in a while. The rain doesn't come all the time.

Sometimes the crops don't grow. Sometimes the scats don't flow. You got to start the show over. Yeah. I'll re-roll. Is that bad? Re-roll. Oh, look.

I'm not saying it's the worst one we've ever done. No, I agree with that, Mike. But I'm also not not saying it was the worst. Right. But, you know, there's been better ones. Boom, pow, splat. Woo-hoo, hoo-hee-hee, hee-haha. It also felt like it was out of sync with the music.

There was not a good vibe. No. There was a few extra syllables. Welcome in. That was not a scat. That was a man falling down. Like a man who had a bunch of stuff in his hands. Boom, pow, plop.

And he tripped on the stairs. And then everyone laughed at him. Sometimes you want to lay down your arms for these scats because you want Jason to feel confident going into his, and there's no way he doesn't feel more confident today. I'm on a hot streak, my man. That's what I'm saying. I think you've overcome that fear. i'm gonna be honest with you and this obviously will be proven wrong in

one two episodes but i think i've overcome my fear as well like i'm not i i wasn't i wasn't worried last go around i'm not gonna be worried anymore we'll check back in any chance uh which proves that you can overcome your spider fear. Not true. Not true. Al, is there any chance that you love that scat and these guys are way off? No. Not a chance. No, he gave you a stock market down.

Oh, he did? In our chat here. Now, Spitwads, I think we are 15 episodes away. Just as a reminder, I believe we are 15 episodes away from the greatest scat we have ever heard, part two. I don't think we're 15. I thought it had to be in the 80s, right? Or is it 175? I thought it was 166.

Math is hard. Okay. Well, it's coming soon. It's coming. 227. I did the math. No, that one's incorrect. So next week, Al Borland will be laughing at scat.

Oh, good point, Mike. Check your math. What was episode 83, right? This clown trying to push it back. It was 83, so 166. Yeah, there you go. Really? Yeah.

All right. You know what? We run this company, right? Yeah. We do. We're moving it up one, 165. I love it. For that little math error.

Every time you try and push it back. Yeah, you get it one day sooner. Episode 165. Let's look forward to it. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. We do have a great show for you today. Would you rather? We're entering the Situation Room, and we are drafting yet again.

Mike is excited for this draft. I am so excited for this draft because when you know who you are and you just fully embrace who you are as a person, I mean, that is freedom. That's when you really feel truly alive. And this draft is the most spitballers draft I think we have ever done. Boom, pow, splat. I see. Okay, okay. It makes a little bit more sense. And then the heat.at. I see. See? Okay. Okay.

It makes a little bit more sense. And then the heat. But what's the laughing at? We'll figure it out. At SpitballersPod on Twitter and Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. Thank you so much for the very kind reviews and Apple Podcasts. Wherever you're listening, thank you for subscribing, following the show. Let's get it going.

following the show let's get it going would you rather i feel like maybe if you've overcome your fear and i'm on what i would call a cold streak yes then maybe it's the it's been passed over here oh okay so mine are going to be the disasters you. All it takes is another 150 shows and then Mike will get it. Doubtful. He's had some whiffs. Yeah, because when you're experimenting, doing an experimental jazz journey, you don't always hit the right notes. What I didn't tell you is that was a beta version of a stat.

That was not a full version. I haven't released the regular version of that bad boy yeah we'll call that an alpha but we'll get to beta soon all right kelsey from twitter has a would you rather question for us would you rather always have to shower under a under a single stream of water or only be able to dry off with a single washcloth. Both of those make me laugh a lot because picturing somebody showering with a single stream of water. This is a very Jason question. Oh, yeah, it is.

I imagine the gears in your head right now are almost burning out. This is like choose your death. Do you want to be eaten by sharks or piranha? What do you want? Yeah, I mean, these are two really, really important things to me. Getting wet and drying off. Water pressure. The amount of water pressure that you require is not a human amount.

It is used for power washing. Hippopotamuses. Yeah. We did. Or hippo off the ground as it would be. We did just change our shower. I put just a hose in the shower, and I just do the thumb thing over the hose, and I just spray myself down.

That's how I shower now. But I mean, even if it's the highest water pressure ever, if it's a single stream- Oh, then it's just cutting you in half. If it's a single stream, you're not getting a lot of coverage. Literally, the only way that it's acceptable water pressure is you're leaving that shower bloody. I mean, you're just. I mean, how do you. The problem is, is like you need to clean yourself and you can't do it in any amount of time with a single stream of water have either

of you two notice because we have a shower here at the studio um we we play pickleball in the morning and then we'll come and and clean ourselves up have either of you noticed that i have replaced my towel in there no no i don't i don't usually mess around with your towel though but if you imported but if you saw the towel i i'm shocked that you guys have not noticed this is like a week ago um is this yeah al go go grab the towel um while while we're doing this is this a size thing yes it's a little bit of a size and a plush do you do you have like a super jumbo size towel it's basically like have you seen a do you know what a blanket is i've yeah

i've seen a blanket in my time a really nice thick blanket um yeah so these are two things near and dear to me but there's also there's you dry off with a blanket basically yeah that sounds awful okay we're looking at it now we'll report to the uh let me i'm not sure that this is going to show up or not oh it's an excellent no mike and i can hold it this is going to show up or not. Oh, it's an excellent throw. No, Mike and I can hold it. This is a, if you're watching on the YouTubes. Okay, this is a very large towel. This is a blanket. They call this a bath sheet. It is not called a towel.

Oh, my gosh. Well, this is how the show should be from now on. It's excellent. This is my cape sometimes. Okay. But this has to be. No, that sounds awesome. Yeah, no, it's great, man.

I'll get you the link. That's called the man swaddler. But you have to take the washcloth here. I mean, because Mike is right. You do have to. If you have really strong water pressure with one little laser beam of water, that's. We've all seen water cutting things. You look up a YouTube video,

they're like, I'm using the water to cut this. Just making water thinner, though, doesn't cut your skin. No, but you have to have enough water pressure to wash something. It's like a water pick. It's like a flossing water pick. I would rather dry very slowly but be clean than i would not be because i i would be making business decisions if i had a single stream because i can't spend two hours in there right i'd be going like i'm hitting the pits hitting a

few other spots and then i'm out um and and you know we can jerry mcguire this thing you know you can air dry you can uh air dry. You can air dry? Yeah, you can air dry. Yeah, you can just. Been there, done that. You've done a full air dry? Not a full. Not from a completely soaking wet.

Maybe an Arizona sun. I'd go outside. Oh, there you go. Do some laps. You go outside. You just do a 360. That's all you do. You walk outside, and you turn slowly around like you're in a microwave.

You walk back inside and you're dry and sunburned. I was going to say and you treat the sunburns. Alright. Antonio. One of our supporters over on Patreon. Thank you, Antonio. You can go to jointhespit.com if you want to support the show. Which would you rather

have more of? Time or energy? Interesting. I got it. This is a very important question. And last night I was super tired and I had to go to bed really early and I was super bummed because I wanted to stay up and do stuff. And I was just like, man, I am just I'm just dead.

I think this is an easy answer because you can have all the time in the world, but just as you described, if you're out of energy, you're getting nothing done. No. We've all had the weekend hit. You've been planning all week, okay, this is my big project. I can't wait for Saturday. You wake up Wednesday, oh, man, Saturday's coming. I'm so excited to hit this project

running. Then you get there and you have all the time because you have the day off and you have no energy and you get nothing done. We've, we've all done that. So I'm, I'm easily taking the energy because I feel like extra energy means extra time. I know people, one of them is sitting at this table here, but I know other people as well that are so productive with the time they have you know that I just I look and I think man I wish I wish I could do that much off my checklist every day and I know that if you added hours to it you would just watch more shows just want to get in more tv man and I'm running out of shows to watch, so I don't even need more time. It has to be energy.

It has to for me. I mean, I don't know. Maybe for Andy, the energy man wakes up with a coffee. You put coffee in that man, there's a lot of things getting done. But it burns hot. Yeah. Yeah, I burn out. I mean, that morning efficiency, though, that thing is, if I could keep that for the day, that's like being a child again

because they have it for the whole day. Except you want to get stuff done. Right. You don't want to just play Minecraft. Or just run in circles. Or just jump on furniture. Right. That's what my children love.

That's how much extra energy they have. They have to jump on furniture. There's no choice. What is it about the furniture that they want to jump on? It's unbelievable, man. My littlest Isaac, there's nothing he likes more in the world than jumping on the furniture, and especially if he knows he's not allowed. If you gave yourself social permission to jump on furniture today, Mike, you would love it.

You would just do it. Would I? Yeah, you'd leap onto the couch. You'd hop up onto the chair. It's a massive injury waiting to happen. Okay, maybe there's that. But you're like, there are very few rules onto the couch. You'd hop up onto the chair. It's a massive injury waiting to happen. Okay, maybe there's that. But you're like, there are very few rules in the house.

One of them is you can't jump on the furniture. That's because you're trying to preserve it. If you had a new couch thrown up every day, you'd be jumping all over it. Disposable couches. Yeah, baby. Jump away. We're throwing that one out. That's right.

I plan to wear my red shirt today. What is this couch doing here? That's right. Okay plan to wear my red shirt today. What is this couch doing here? That's right. Okay, Kate from the website. Which would you rather hear first, the good news or the bad news? Oh, man. We've all been asked. Age-old question there.

I've got good news. I've got bad news. What do you want to hear? But have you ever had- How good is the good news? How bad is the bad news? Have you ever had one where both of them are extreme? Okay. All right.

Let's set that up. You win $10 million. That's the good news. The bad news is your dog died. Right. Okay. Those are both extreme. Yes.

Which would you want to hear first? Man. I think. Would it help? I got to hear the good news first. I think so. You got to hear the good news because if it's that extreme, you could say, oh, your dog passed away, but you did win $10 million.

It poisons it. Yeah. It will no longer be good news. I see what you're saying. Two months later. Yeah, but one heck of a funeral. You're going out, Fido. You're going out like a boss.

It's televised. It's fully televised. Golden casket. But I think that the impact, we all have these things. You remember the losses more than you remember the wins. The burns hurt. So I need to have at least a couple seconds where the purity where i have some good news even though i will be in a full panic attack because i know that the bad news is coming yeah the joy is unadulterated

when you've only had good news and that's great news but but actually mike you do bring this up when you're listening to the good news you're already waiting for the bottom so i think you have to get i think you have to get the bad news first because you know it's you to the good news you're already waiting for the bot so i think you have to get i think you have to get the bad news first because you know it's you know the bad news is coming and so it's not it's not as pure as you hope if it was like i get to choose this answer i would rather get good news before bad news forever and you don't know it's coming you know what i mean like it's not like i've got good news i've got bad news what do you want to hear first it's just i have made a declaration on my signup sheet for life that says I checked the box of good news first.

Also, that's very rude of the messenger. Right. I mean, take it upon yourself to make the decision for this person who is about to hear both good and bad news. If you're the messenger. I got some bad news. Which one do you want first? No, don't do that. Just make the decision.

Just walk up to someone and tell them. The reason they do that is because of the fact that they want you prepared for the counterbalance. They want you to know that, look, I've got something great to tell you, but I also got something bad to tell you. I think you can walk up and say, I have good news and I have bad news. But then just start it. Yeah, you just go just launch it to it don't give someone don't give me the time to sit in that decision good news is you won 10 million dollars yeah bad news is i lost it i i think you leave like great news net neutral good and great yeah uh well no then then you got to lead with the bad the bad news is i just spent 10 million dollars the good news is you won 10

million dollars they leave thinking i got 10 million dollars no sir no sir i already spent it that was that was your money i'm going with the bad news first i want the bad news first because anticipation for bad news is even is tough yeah that's tough and i i think that i'll feel look i don't want i don't want to say like I'm gonna be sappy at the end of you know learn about these two things but I think I'll be pretty happy you know what I mean

dogs I can get you'll be okay in two months I'm getting a litter in his memory alright this question is stay with me on it it is a funny one. Would you rather pay a blood tax to mosquitoes instead of real taxes? So you don't pay real taxes, but I'll explain what this blood tax is going to be. Or you pay double the income and sales tax, but you're immune to mosquito bites.

And there are places in this country. This must be a bad blood tax. Here's the blood tax. And there are places in this country. This must be a bad blood tax. Here's the blood tax. Every year, once a year, instead of paying regular U.S. taxes, you go down to the old swamp.

You take off all your clothes and you stand in a T-pose. No undies? Appears not. Let's give a speed up. Let's give them undies. We need to protect some things. While a large swarm of mosquitoes lands on you and feeds for 15 to 30 minutes. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Am I dead? Have I lost all my blood? Hold on. You can't spray yourself or the mosquitoes with bug spray. You can't swat at them. And in exchange, you never pay money for any taxes ever again. We got to lock this down. 15 to 30?

Let's call it 15. It's called double. I just need to know, what is the margin here? 15 minutes, T-pose at the swamp to pay your blood tax, but then you never pay regular taxes ever again. But that's impossible. I want to choose that, but you could not make it 15 minutes. Is there a time period where you would do it?

Is it a minute? One minute of enduring mosquito bites without scratching. I'm saying easily that I would attempt it. 100%. You don't think you could do it? Dude. Five minute blood tax? You've been bitten by a mosquito, right?

Yes. Yes, I have. You're being fed on. They're eating you for five minutes can i at least get like uh just a face shield or something so they're not going in my mouth yeah i mean i think we protect this is not about like oh no you got you know you're choking on mosquitoes this is this is i have a helmet on you got a helmet and some undies on yeah but the rest of you's up for grass and they're going to town and honestly you probably want to wear gloves just to stop I have a helmet on. You've got a helmet and some undies on. Yeah, but the rest of you is up for grabs.

And they're going to town. And honestly, you probably want to wear gloves just to stop yourself from itching, at least like little finger mittens. No, you can't do gloves. Your hands have to be exposed. Okay, little thimbles on your fingers so you can't scratch. I could thimble scratch for sure. After it's over, they strap you down for this.

They need to strap you down. No, but I like the part where you have to be able to endure it. If you strap you down, that's not a problem. 15 minutes is just too long. But it is a problem, Mike, because here's the thing. You said, have I ever been bitten by a mosquito? Yes, absolutely. Everyone has.

Well, I guess some people, for some reason, mosquitoes aren't attracted to them. I have never been bitten by a mosquito and gone, ow! Like, it doesn't hurt. I don't even know usually. It's not the process of being bitten. It's tomorrow. Tell you what, Mike's going to be growing back his arm hair real quick. It's the next day when it itches.

This is all I can grow, Auntie. Oh, my bad, man. I thought you saved that. That's embarrassing. This is all my tea allows. All right, man. I see mosquitoes can't land on my arms, dude. There's no way in. Could you imagine a

full body mosquito bite? You're itching everywhere at all times for days. It's not just the text at a time of deposit that's how long does that take a week to go away weeks you get right in an aloe vera bath that's where i slide it takes a week and you definitely have to fill a bathtub with aloe i mean i'm trying to do it i don't know if i can make it the whole procedure too makes me laugh like every year you have to say all right guys I'll see you in a couple days.

I'm going down to the swamp to pay my blood tax to the Mosquito King. We'll make it easy for math. We'll go 10 minutes. Okay. Every minute you make is 10% off of your taxes. Okay. Would you do it? If I'm driving all the way to the swamp, I'm just pushing through.

But at the risk of if you scratch, it's done. Yeah. You're out. I'm driving all the way to the swamp, I'm just pushing through. But at the risk of if you scratch, it's done. Yeah. You're out. I'm in. I'm going to give it a go. Taxes. I don't know how long I can make it. Yeah, I have to apologize to Uncle Sam, but you ain't getting my money.

I'm taking the blood tax. The blood tax it is. All right, let's move on. I'm taking the blood tax. The blood tax it is. All right, let's move on. SpayWads, we deserve to know what we are putting in our bodies and why, especially when it comes to something we take every day.

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Ritual multivitamins are scientifically developed to help support different life stages. And my favorite part of this experience. I want to know. They have this. I don't know how they do it, but they make them minty. So that when you take the vitamins, or I mean, one, you get a whiff of it when you open the bottle. You're like, wow, that's fresh. And then you take them, and it's refreshing. Yeah, no egg burps here.

No, it is refreshing, and they're fantastic. So it's a great experience from the top to the bottom get key nutrients without the garbage ritual is offering our listeners 10 off during your first three months visit ritual.com spitballers once again for 10 off your first three months go to ritual.com spitballers start your ritual today. The Situation Realm. All right. Clancy from Twitter submits this situation to us.

Your local wizard. Oh, he's back. Has given you the opportunity to purchase a video that contains a highlight reel. Oh, man. Of all the best moments from a decade of your life. Which decade do you pick? Do you pick birth to 10, 11 to 20,

21 to 30, or in our case, 31 to 40, because we're all encroaching on 40. What would you pay for that? Oh, I thought the question was going to be, you have to pick which one. Oh, yeah. The question is both. Which decade would you pick, and what would you pay for that? Oh, I thought the question was going to be you have to pick which one. Oh, yeah. The question is both.

Which decade would you pick and what would you pay for it? So let's start with the decade. Now, I have mine's done. I know it. Well, OK, then jump in here. It's 11 to 20. OK. Do you tell?

I think I might be wrong, but I'm starting to think about like. I feel like part of it has to do with what I've forgotten in my life. Okay. And 11 to 20, you get a lot of the grade school, the friends, the childhood memories, high school. I like that period of my life. Yeah, it's the most nostalgic part of your life. It just feels, it's the formative years. And having memories of that time period, like I remember, not perfectly, but I remember the birth of my kids.

I remember my wedding. I don't remember a lot of the in-between of 11 to 20, and it would be neat to go back and see life that way. And what would I pay for it? I don't know. I'd pay like pay like 10 grand for that you know you'd probably pay more i'd probably if it came down to it but that's why i i mean 11 to 20 is the one that jumps out and all the reasons you laid out

but for those but i do have memories of 11 to 20 right and i mean they maybe they may not be 100 accurate of what happened but that that's how I remember it. Meanwhile, birth... You were better looking in your memories than you really were. Yes, of course. But meanwhile, birth to 10, how many... I mean, you're going to have a couple core memories. Yeah, like three or four.

But how many... Like, to go back and go, holy crap, look at my parents. Look at my highlights. Do you want to watch yourself build a little block tower, though? Was that the highlight? I don't know. It might have been. I smashed some puzzles.

Right. Age zero to ten. Colored outside the lines for a bit. Do we get to open these highlights like an NBA top shot? Like, this is a mad jam. And then you open the pack, and you're like, oh, this is when I finish that puzzle. Slam. These are all the best moments. Okay. I was just making sure, this is when I finish that puzzle. Slam. These are all the best moments.

Okay, I'm just making sure there weren't some bad moments that open up those packs. Oh, no, no, no. This is where I got grounded for lying. That was a big moment in my upbringing. What are you picking, Jay? So unlike you guys, I don't remember things. Mike's like, I remember all these things.

I remember my- You don't remember your wedding? Well, I remember I these things. You don't remember your wedding? I remember I got married, for sure. I remember that every day when I look at my hand. I remember that my kids were born, and I do have I have I have like

I have like a couple photos in my mind. My memories, I can think of the moment of the birth, I can think of the moment of seeing my wife in the dress but like that's it's so shallow when I really stop and think about it so I'm taking the 21 to 30 because that was like the biggest life moments right and I'm hoping that you know this this thing is is in depth it's a real documentary series behind the scenes here. If I go 21 to 30, I mean, there's going to be a lot of Azeroth.

There's going to be the first... All your highlights are just you in front of a computer. The Onyxia raid, the first time I made it through Montcourt. Dropping people off of dragons. You didn't realize watching your memories was just watching you sit at a computer. Oh man, these highlights.

Do you know what I paid for these World of Warcraft highlights? $10,000. It has been fun. I have a handful of old photographs of me on the computer because I did a lot of web design. That was the thing I like doing. And seeing all the old technology has made me laugh. When we had the really thick computer monitors or when we had like zip disks and,

Oh man. Yeah. The zip drive was the future. You need the right mix of nostalgia in there. I'm going 11 to 20. Okay. Uh, as am I,

Jason, you are 21 to 30 and I will pay $11 for this. Okay. You'll just forget the highlights after. Yeah. I mean, it's like if I'm not watching them, they're already gone. All right. for this. Okay. You'll just forget the highlights after you watch them anyway. It's like,

if I'm not watching them, they're already gone. All right. This question comes in from a supporter, Avatar, on Patreon. You were given one year to get into shape

and develop the skills to summit Mount Everest. You don't have to worry about work or money. You can spend everyday training. You get a full team to help you. Physical trainers, mountaineering experts, dieticians. Do we get a Sherpa?

You get a Sherpa. Absolutely. You probably don't need them until you get to the mountain. If you can successfully summit Everest after a year, you never have to work again. Can you make it to the top? Yes. Can you make it to the top, Jason? Yes, I believe so i well look there's one way to find

out you guys want to pay my salary and give me all these people and give me a year it's tempting but that but if you don't 50 but if you don't make it then you owe us five million dollars well if he doesn't make it yeah okay okay if. Okay, if I don't make it, you can take whatever you want. I don't care. I'm gone. You'll never find... I'm never coming back down. According to Al, about 6,000 people have ever made it, and 350 have died.

That number seems low. That seems real low. I would think it'd be more. That seems promising for this guy. But these are all trained people. So 350 out of 6,000 trained. If we do that math. I'm locking it in.

You got a 6% chance of death if you're trained as a mountaineering person. All right. I've made a big mistake. I've made a huge mistake here. I think I've really underestimated Everest here. Because the more that i think about and this isn't due to the 350 number this is just due to i would say more than five seconds of hearing the question mount everest is the you know the it's up there it's up there it's way up

that's what they say um but i mean this is something people train for far more than a year. They're basically hiking their entire lives. They've been years and years. You don't go and do Everest first, right? You work your way up to Everest. And I have worked my way to flat ground right now. Like, that's where I'm – I mean, I can do some stairs, but I don't enjoy them. A hill is probably something I'm avoiding.

Right now, you haven't trained for it. I haven't trained for the hills yet. I mean, if I'm on like an electric scooter and it's paved, I could take a hill. But otherwise, I think that, so yeah, I'm dead on Everest for sure. You might die at the base camp, what does a Sherpa... You might die at the base camp.

What does a Sherpa do? They're just like your guide. Okay. I didn't know if they were like a shaman. Do they carry you? Give you a lift? I need... Yes.

If I can get four guys to hold the poles as they carry me up the mountain, I'll probably still die. It'll be very cold. It's going to be really cold. I don't think I could do it. I think we could all get into the physical shape necessary in terms of your body in a year of training, but I don't think the oxygen and the breathing and the cardio

and the actual mountaineering could get done in that amount of time. The habits and the knowledge of what to do in certain situations. I remember listening to a podcast where someone who was an actual avid, the seven tallest mountains in the world, they'd climb. Oh, Brody? Yeah, I know you listened to it. He's a fascinating guy, if that's in fact his name. This goes by Brody.

Hearing all the details and the things that inevitably will go wrong and you have to make decisions to reroute yourself or something, like, I am dead. I mean, I'm just gone. No chance I could do Everest. The one way that you could do it is if you can do it like that tandem skydiving. If you could strap yourself to on the back of a Sherpa. Yeah.

But now it's two people. Now the Sherpa has to do some training. Look, I'm a lot of weight to carry around. Mike? I think I could do it. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, I really do.

I really think. If you gave me a year and I had all the... Every day. All day long. Yeah. I could do it. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, I really do. I really think. If you gave me a year and I had all the... Every day, all day long. Yeah. I could make it. Well, Andy, are you in agreement we're going to send... Well, obviously I'm going now because I'm a competitive guy. So Mike and I are going to both be ascending the mountain.

I get to own 100% of this company soon. Fantastic. All right. The only rule is whoever dies, the other one gets to mock them for it. Oh, I would expect nothing less. Okay. Fantastic. All right. The only rule is whoever dies, the other one gets to mock them for it. Oh, I would expect nothing less. Okay. Caleb from Patreon says, your local wizard. Oh, boy.

He's back again. Your local wizard is feeling kind of bad for all the mean things he has done to you over the past 150 episodes. I doubt that. Has a conscience. He's a liar. Yeah, he's rude. He offers you a $10,000 gift card to any single store of your choice, but it expires 30 minutes from when you walk in the door.

What store are you heading to? Okay. So, wait, you got 30 minutes to pick something out? Is that the gist there? Yeah. And so you can buy a lot of things or one expensive thing. You don't get to save it. You don't get to, like, use it on a grocery store

and get free groceries for a year. And it's like a coupon code. Yeah. If you don't use it, you lose it. the first thing that came to mind for me was just best buy yeah that was the top one you know because uh we love electronics it is it is boring and and really most best buys don't have the top top top end stuff like the the tvs that are for captain uh super towel over here i'm talking about look this is a ten thousand dollar gift card like like let's say you wanted to put together a ten thousand

dollar super gaming computer right like just something that's because it's free this is for you you've got 30 minutes do they does the average best buy store like probably not that stuff that's what i'm probably not enough i mean part of the reason you think of best buy is because every other store is closed down like to me as a kid this would have been toys r us 30 minutes fill the cart hit the you know sure but now we're almost 40 so you're not going to toys r us questions actually are difficult for me these days like because we don't sit around like as a kid you sit around with like your toy goals yes like as an adult you could sit around like what do you want to do like get another alexa or something i mean a tv uh tv and computers i mean dude would you rather have furniture would you rather have ten thousand dollars worth of furniture no

ten thousand dollars shower head think about that who does it up my water pressure the problem to me with the computer and not that I don't spend money on computers, is does anything depreciate as fast as a car? Well, you can't resell a computer, really. Well, I'm saying you spend $10,000 on a supercomputer. That's crappy. In six months, you're like, here's this computer that was super at one time, and now is just basic.

Yeah, but it's free. This is a ten thousand dollar gift card but that's what i mean if like a tv at least holds up i'm going to costco oh good answer good answer yeah i can get i can i can close out that 30 minutes with tons of baked goods and i'm getting efficiency on the price have you ever seen back the glass case yes the black they have like six thousand dollar bottles of whiskey yeah where's like how okay and every how good could this possibly be every costco has it which is insane like how many i do does anyone ever buy something never at the like the people that are buying six

seven thousand dollars go bottles of of, is that really worth that? That crowd is going like, I'm looking for a $7,000 bottle of whiskey. I will go to my local Costco. Or getting people with an impulse buy. Yeah, like, oh, look at that, honey. That must be really good. Just put it in the cart. I can just imagine showing up at a fancy dinner and say, oh brought this wine for you oh got it at costco i have a membership uh over there what's ironic

is very exclusive this might be the right answer because if you ever wanted to find out like it is because everyone has the curiosity everyone looks in that that case and you go, what if? What? There's no way, right? There's no way that this. There is not. I know the answer. We all know the answer.

We do. We know the answer. There's no way it's. Yes, this tastes like a whiskey. Yeah. That's funny. All right. Let's draft.

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some love remember it's ipvanish.com slash ballers to get the deal and start protecting yourself online right now. The Spitballers Draft. All right, Mike brought it up. This may be the most Spitballers draft of all time. Yes. We are drafting the worst places to be when you suddenly have to poop. Oh, yeah.

Which, look, there's some nightmare scenarios out there. Yep. And, I mean, let's be clear about this. You got to go bad. This ain't some, like, I'm'm gonna make it a long time this is no no there's an urgency that will end in a mistake you do not want to fart in this situation you cannot gamble no you will lose so i have the 101 in this draft after my scat was so good. Hee hee hee. It was a little robotic too. Hee hee. Ha ha.

Hoo hoo. My number one pick is going to be at the altar. It's on my list. It's on my list. I'm going to choose. I'm up there. I am ready to recite my vows. I've got to stand up there in my suit.

Yep. In front of everybody. God forbid it's a white one. Oh man. The tum tum. you're in a white suit my father was in a white suit for his wedding what a boss yeah are you serious yeah man and that's why he's known as papa skids papa skids the early 80s man they were a heck of a time that that is actually super boss like oh that's a baller move they were all all his groomsmen were

in baby blue and he was in white yeah so uh but yeah that would be worse either way the pressure of all the eyes attention you've got your vows you've got the that mo i mean the emotional stress already ask yourself this question has anybody actually 100 i mean somebody out there had to tell the officiator of the service hold on a second i have to go yeah i mean that's a divorce that's immediately that there's no way that marriage is sticking together i mean you're doomed you're doomed if you can't get through without uh we can't get through without a two as they say yes let me let me tell you guys that's the wedding that's Yes, it is. Let me tell you guys. So that's the wedding. That's the at the altar wedding.

Let me tell you guys the worst thing I have on my list. This is not my pick, obviously. This is not my turn. But I looked at my list, and I have wedding ceremony on my list. I didn't have the idea to be the groom. The groom? The groom. Just, I'm watching someone's wedding.

What an awful thing. Like, ha ha, I'm going to have to sneak At the altar. The groom. Just, I'm watching someone's wedding. What an awful thing. Like, ha ha, I'm going to have to sneak out the back, but this is really important. I'm going to miss you saying your vows. What an idiot. I got to re-look at my list now and up the stakes here a bit. That's a great pick. Thank you. Yeah, I think that's the one-on-one for me of, you're not living that down.

Yeah. When you leave for the bathroom at the altar, just leave. Don't come back. That's right. Yeah. It was on my list. Do you think that's why when you get stood up, the bride doesn't show up? That's most likely.

She was almost there, but then she was too embarrassed. That has nothing to do with you. It's about number two. Yeah. All right, Mike. It's very funny because it was the first thing I thought of. And then you mentioned this activity earlier in the episode. But I'm going with specifically tandem skydiving.

Because that's not just you. You had that before I mentioned it? Yeah, I did. Oh, my gosh. You have somebody strapped to your back. Wait, you're not the one on the back? No. You're, I did. Oh my gosh. You have somebody strapped to your back. Wait, wait, you're not the one on the back? No. You're on the front. Oh no.

So someone's gonna know when all of a sudden it gets real hot. Oh man. In a certain region. And then what happens after you land? Is it like is it just like a rain down? They detach you at that point.

If you're mid-fall and they get the sense that you're dropping one, you're done. You're in tight pants. It's not going to just slip out. It's staying with you the entire ride. Oh, man, that's bad. You better hope that parachute can still hold you up after it inflates. We need a weight check. That's bad.

All right. Oh, man. Okay. Okay. Well, I've got my stupid 101 on my list because you guys are coming up with straight fire here. But the thing that felt the worst to me is to be in a bad traffic jam. Yeah. Because if you're in a bad traffic jam.

If there's nowhere to go. You're pooping in your car. You're pooping in your car. You're pooping in your pits. And then you're sitting in it. You can't. You know what I mean? The car. There's an accident.

You're stopped on the road. And now you're just. I mean, roll them windows down. Or, you know, wipe the fog away from the windows. Oh, no. I'm going to ask you an uncomfortable question, Jason. You're in that scenario you're on the traffic jam you have a an empty an empty 64 ounce cup to the side of you

or your pants oh it's my pants okay really you're not attempting a maneuver dude i can't poop into a cup i mean especially not in a car seat it's impossible impossible. One dude, one cup? No, it's not. Could not happen. Okay. So you've got to pick another. I'll pee in a cup, obviously. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Been there, done that. Yeah, for the other one. So, you know. So traffic jam, that's good. Yeah, this is probably little recency bias. I'm moving, so I'm in a new neighborhood. Okay. And I'm thinking i'm at the

new neighbor's house so this is i just you know what i mean like oh like come on over for dinner i'm meeting someone new and i'm in their house and i'm about to destroy it yes because that like first impressions yeah welcome do you meet jason came over and took a dump in my house. Like the first time you meet someone, it's like, oh, excuse me for a second. I want to try your toilets. That would just be awful. I mean, what a weirdo. And that relationship is forever ruined because either that person thinks you are a weirdo and I don't want to get to know you, or I am so embarrassed that I think that they think I'm a weirdo that I don't want to ever go back.

So that's done. That ends the relationship instantly. Yeah. All right. Back to you, Mike. All right. It is a similar situation. I mean, a lot of these are going to be, you know, like.

Is it awkward? Is it a bad? Just the area. Bad way out. Yeah. You can't get out. Yeah. Broken elevator.

A broken elevator. I'm going to assume there are people in there with you. And now you are. Oh, no, that's way worse. You up the ante. No, Mike is bringing the heat. A crowded broken elevator. I told you I was excited.

If there's one thing Mike's played out scenarios in his life, this is it. A broken elevator is. Oh, man. So when you said a broken elevator, I'm like, okay, that really, that's no good. But when you said there's people in there, you're taking a poop in front of people. They're in the stall with you at this point. There has got to be. I mean, sometime in it has there's enough broken

elevators somebody has been stuck in one long enough to have to go oh man i mean that's dude and now do you just sit in the corner yes and just go because i mean you don't want to stand no middle mike you stand in the middle oh man excuse me excuse me you take you take center stage Oh, man. Excuse me. Excuse me. You take center stage and then... Hold the hand up. Yes, hold the hand up so everyone quiets down. Oh, man.

It's a broken elevator. That's another great pick. My list is just so normal. list is like just like oh i was this would this would be a normal place oh my goodness all right mike you're you're bringing it uh i will go my second pick it's gonna be um it's gonna be in the dentist chair oh yeah that's a good one because if you are uh i don't know, maybe 10 minutes into an hour dental procedure, and you've got to go. I mean, you've got to tap out.

Yeah. But you've got to. I feel great. I've got to go. Cut the spacer. What if you've got a little bit of that nitrous in you? It loosens things up. I don't know.

And what does the dentist do if he's in the middle of an important procedure? Mid-wisdom teeth. I don't know. I don't know. But the dentist chair is not a place i want to have to figure it out oh man and uh i was with you jay i had at someone else's house on my list for sure because that is just um not the impression you want to make i guess i'm gonna go with oh man it's close which one's gonna make it back i'm gonna i'm gonna go with, oh, man, it's close. Which one's going to make it back? I'm going to go with this one. I'm going to say this is more of a practicality, and it costs you something, at the end of a sports game.

Ooh. So you want to watch the last few seconds of a game. I like it. But you've got to make a run for the old toilet. This is why streaming online sports on your phone was invented. For when you got to try to survive these moments of watching runs while you have the runs. That's right. Watching touchdown runs while you got the run.

So I'm going to go the end of a sports game for my third pick. All right. My Mike's like, check this one out. I can't wait. I can't wait to hear what's next. This one is not as extreme. This is another more of a practical situation. During a job interview. Oh, my.

That's a great one. You're sitting down. This is a job you need. You've been preparing for this. Poop breaks aren't going to get you that job. No. And imagine the embarrassment. Either way.

I mean, well, the embarrassment of the poopy pants would be the ultimate. But, like, what do you do? Do you pause the interview? What do you do-do? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, you have to pause it, but just imagining that moment where you're not focused on what they're asking you at all. You're getting the sweaty palms.

You're trying to distract yourself in any way, rubbing your fingers together, doing the breathing. What kind of answers are you giving to those questions? They're quick, quick answers. Tell me a little bit about a project you might want to do here. This is a good project, just a good one. No. Nope.

Up, pass, next question. I'd like to build a toilet. you might want to do here? No. This is a good project. Just a good one. No. Nope. No. I'll pass. Next question. I'd like to build a toilet. I'd like to build a toilet for your company. That's what I would bring to the table.

I'd like to build a toilet. Oh, my goodness. Okay. That's another great pick, Mike. You are coming up roses on us. Coming up brown roses over here. Yeah. All right. Two more for Jason. Two more for me. I know my first one. Okay. You are coming up roses on us. Coming up brown roses over here. All right.

Two more for Jason. Two more for me. I know my first one. Okay. I got a little creative as you guys were on the- On the way to the bathroom. Yes. Oh, man.

You're not there yet, but you've really got a ghost now. You're kind of speeding up. Top of a carousel. Oh, no. Ferris wheel's on my list. That's what I meant. Ferris wheel. Top of a carousel oh no ferris wheels on my list oh that's what i meant ferris wheel top of a ferris wheel no top of a carousel you're just sitting on you're some reason climbed up to the top of a carousel letting it go down on but no top of a ferris wheel that's that's okay we'll let you properly pivot was how i was shutting it Ferris wheel's oh man way to steal his pick. Well I mean look when there's

clear awful places to go and like on a Ferris wheel I mean they're taunting you. It's not just you go down and you go is this please be my turn be my turn and then right back up. You go through the bottom you're going all

the way around again. That's a little present for the next people that ride. That's a present for the people below you. That's a problem. Oh, man, that's a good one. That's a good one. Now you've got to go with your final pick. Yeah.

I'm just going to – this one is as normal because my list was generic and normal to start. Okay. But I also think this is a genuine nightmare. A genuine nightmare. I would never ever in a million years, I don't care if I'm going around the entire globe, poop in a tiny airplane bathroom next to everyone who's seated. I mean, the seats go right to the bathroom in these planes.

I often do that scenario in my head with bathrooms where I'm like, the only difference between where I'm at, I'm practically directly next to you. The only thing is this wall. I am naked, and I am defecating, and I am this close to another person. Andy gets naked to go to the bathroom. That's how he's just like, when I go poop,

what, you don't take all your clothes off? Shout out to George Costanza on that one. My middle son still does it. Oh, all of it? Yeah. Oh, full nerdy. Sometimes sure, but pants completely off. There's nothing around the ankles. He's got a wide stance. I'm going to take the completely off. There's nothing around the ankles. It's just freedom. Oh, he's spread out. Yeah, he's got a wide stance.

Yeah, I'm going to take the airplane because that's awful. Have you? I've never pooped in an airplane. Honestly, I believe this. I think I'll poop in my pants on an airplane before I poop in the bathroom. I'm guessing that's worse. Oh, it would be worse, but that would be the gamble I would take because I'm not going.

I'm not going to poop on this airplane, and I will tell my body no until my body says yes. And I'm not going to that bathroom. Interesting. I can barely fit in those bathrooms. I would use the restroom before my pants. I have definitely wrecked an airplane bathroom. Oh, man. Oh, man. What is that walk of shame like when you leave that little room?

Fast. Fast and furious. Oh, man. But I'm talking where you're sitting, and then you feel the... You feel everything just shift through your intestines, and you're like, well, here we go. Al says you just don't leave. Yes.

This is my seat now. Until the plane lands, that's where you're sitting. I feel like the door open and close process would be the fastest thing. Just like this. Slam the door behind you. You have to say to the people you pass that are waiting in line, somebody destroyed that bathroom. There's no way you take credit for that, bad dog.

But they've been sitting. They've been standing in that line for five minutes. They don't know it wasn't the person before you. That's where I'm going with. All right, Mike, you are back with your final pick, and you don't get to choose. I mean, Carousel's still open now that he took Ferris Wheel. That's right.

Man, I thought Ferris Wheel would make it back. Okay. I'm going to go with... So job interview is... I already took that one. So I'm trying to think of a position where all eyes are on you and you have to have clairvoyance.

You got to be at your best. Yeah. Giving a TED Talk. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's a TED Talk, so there's already prestige. Oh, no. And this video is going up online for everyone to see.

It's being recorded. It's being streamed. And, like, how focused can you be for this? You're an expert in this field. Oh, no. And everyone's looking to you, and all you can think about is you've got to take a poop. That's a good one, Mike. You've brought four great picks to the table here.

Mike's tandem skydiving, broken elevator, during a job interview and a TED Talk. Jason's got traffic jam, neighbor's house, top of Ferris wheel, and an airplane. Carousel. You took a carousel. Yeah. I'm here with at the altar during your wedding, a dentist chair, the end of a sports game. I've got a few that have come up. I'm not going to go with boardroom.

It's like the job interview, but a boardroom big presentation. That would be a rough one. You're in a suit. I mean, put you in a suit with the poop. That's a problem. I think I'm going to go simpler for this last one, and this is simple. It's good. You're in the pool. Yeah, it's on my list. I mean, you're in the pool. Yes.

Yeah, because there's no good solution here. No. Even if you can get out of the pool. Oh, it's still awful. You're soaking wet. Yes. Oh, it's so awful. Why don't you go run in the house soaking wet across the tiles?

Is there any way you can use the basket? Wait, what basket? Like the leaf basket? The filter? That's right. The filter basket? I don't know if you've seen this, but the filter basket is like mesh. That's not going to work well for you.

Well, I mean, the water's kind of going in there if you kind of prop up. What if you don't go on? So are you talking like on top of the tile, or are you just going up to the flappy filter? You're in the pool. No, I'm in the pool. That's what I was going with. At least the water flow is heading that direction.

It would have made more sense if you take the top off and then you just sit down right on it. What if you use the pool vac? Oh, man. You can also just hang over the diving board. You know what I mean? Just go backwards, straddle the diving board, and plop, plop.

Pool vac, you got no mess. I think pool vac's your best way out. So you're just putting like the the barracuda right it's just it's the barracuda oh all right that'll do it that's it we did it we got through the worst places to poop draft and it was a classic what did we learn today? I learned that Andy gets naked, completely naked to poop. That's what I learned. I learned that Jason went from completely confident to Sky Everest to instant death. Well, upon consideration.

And that tandem mountain climbing is a thing that we should have meant. And I have realized if there's good news and bad news, it doesn't matter. The bad news wins. Oh, my goodness. All right. That'll do it for today's Spitballers episode. Thank you for tuning in, supporting the podcast, and we will be back very soon. Look forward to episode 165.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up I still got something to tell you about. If you want to support this show, if you want to get early access to this show, if you want to get an ad-free episode of this show, jointhespit.com. Be a great human being and support this show at jointhespit.com. It will make you taller.

I like that.