Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 155: Bald Hippies & Things To Fight A Dragon With - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

On today’s show, we talk about grave robbing, the odd shape of Jason’s head, and defining the levels of precipitation. We slay the end of the episode as we draft things to fight a dragon with. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Spit wads. Can it be? It's finally summer. Yeah, it is. And we're going to have a real summer this year, Mike. Hot dude summer. You're talking about us? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I've never called it that before. Look, we've got to start thinking about looking good after a year and change of not being out there in the world. Because we are going places. I'm traveling for our anniversary. We've been going to some Suns games. We've been going to restaurants with people there. And that's where Faraday comes in.

They make perfect clothes for summer. Faraday is a family-run brand making high-quality, timeless clothing with modern designs and functionality. I got four shirts from Faraday, and I love them. In Arizona, they're short sleeve shirts, just to be very clear. They got to keep you cool. Sun's out, guns out, man. It's summer. You got to look nice, but you got to stay cool in Arizona.

And they are so confident with the quality of their stuff, and that's what stood out to me. They have a lifetime guarantee of quality. Lifetime? Just like this show have a lifetime guarantee of quality. Lifetime? Just like this show has a lifetime guarantee. Of quality. And to top it all off, Faraday is giving all Spitballers listeners 20% off. That is 20% off.

So stock up on all your clothes for summer right now. Head to FaradayBrand.com and use the code BALLERS at checkout to snag 20% off all your summer gear. That's code BALLERS at Faraday, and that's spelled F-A-H-E-R-T-Y, brand.com for 20% off. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Squee-na-ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-boo! Woo-hoo!

I was a fan. I was a fan. I liked that one. Really, really liked the ascending ending. That was going to be the whole bit. You've been going to the squeedums a little too often. Am I? For the top. I think you have a tendency to squeedum lately. Well, that is the best way to start a scat.

But the ending was outstanding. It was great. All right. I thought it was a yabba-dabba-doo for a second, but it wasn't. Well, I mean, it's like if you check in with the scat man, I guess he's ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba. He's not squeedum. No, squeedum.

He's like amateur. Squeedum. Darn near kill him. Welcome to episode 155 of the Spitballers. We're just 10 or 11 away from Al Borland. Al Borland. Sorry, I got that wrong. How are you doing, Al? I'm doing great. Thanks for asking. That's good. You got your scat already, I'm sure. Nope.

Okay. Would you rather on the show today? That's a great question. We're drafting things to fight a dragon with. I'm really excited about it. Just getting it out of the way at the top. No suspense. This show has a ton of hypothetical questions on it. So why not have a draft about the hypothetical situation we may all find ourselves in someday. You don't know where a dragon comes rolling up on you as they do and i had the scat which means i have the first pick and normally andy you tease like we've got

a great dress that's true my last pick i'm very excited so this is uh this is off the beaten path yes there's no reason to there there it there is no chance, look, I guess we live in a world where infinite possibilities, but I'm very confident that I will get my last pick. All right. Before we jump into Would You Rather, I want to remind you, spitballerspod.com. You can head over there, find out how to become an official SpitWad supporter. You can find us on YouTube, youtube.com slash spitballers,

and on Twitter at spitballerspod. Let's get into a review first. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from Jared Savino from the United States, five stars. Most bestest podcast that will most likely ever exist. Nice. Andy, Mike, and Jason are the best friends I have always wanted. When they speak,

put on your listening ears and you will learn some of the most important life lessons like butt cheeks are not scissors. I forgot that one. And you can't milk a horse. As a fact, I firmly believe that this podcast is probably the best podcast that will ever exist. Aside from their fantasy football pod

love you guys like you're part of my own family well thank you jared savino jared it's one word it's jared savino that's his first name we are part of your family now yeah thank you for the review that was awesome and it reminded me of some funny show moments oh man the butt cheeks oh man and i have seen the reviews coming in so far with some typed out scats, which I did request. So I am making the, I could have used one. I'm making the commitment right now.

My next scat will be okay. Somebody's typed out scat. And I will need, I realized when reading those going to take some rehearsing. It's not easy. You cannot read a scat. And from the top, two,

three, four. You cannot read a scat quickly because it's all like scabble beep boop doop doop darp darp was there a derp in there there's a derp in there some of them have derps uh time for some would you rather would you rather mario from Patreon writes in, says, if you had to lose weight in the next 60 days, assuming effectiveness was equal, would you rather stick to a green juice diet

or do two high-intensity exercise sessions per day? So you have to do it. You're going to be as effective either way, but you choose whether you just want green juice all the time or too high intensity. What I'm guessing, what, like 30 minutes to an hour? Yeah, we'll go 45. Yeah, I think that's the right.

So total in the day, hour and a half. But you're taking, I mean, when I exercise, that's like a three-hour window because by the time I'm done sweating post exercise that's that's so now I'm taking up six hours of my day with just sweat now the green juice have either of you done a juice detox or a juice diet I have drank a like detox juice just a one but like one yeah exactly finish this bottle how much green juice do you actually get? Is it just you get one per meal?

So you have a breakfast green juice? It's not a lot, no. I talked to somebody recently that did this. Really? Yeah. I would assume you get unlimited. Like, can you drink too much? Yeah, because it's calories.

Well, they're all normally. Jason, do you know how it works? Well, I'm just saying. You might have weight loss all wrong. Can't you have as much cheesy broccoli as you want? I can't just eat whatever I want. Too much orange juice is, in fact, bad for you. Well, I get that because orange juice in general is bad for you.

It's all sugar. But I would assume that a green juice cleanse is like, literally, you cannot eat too much broccoli. You can't overeat broccoli. You're not going to be like hurt by that. Well, the, the juice is at least the person I talked to, it was like a breakfast, lunch and dinner juice. Okay. And it was like seven days worth of that.

Now, when you talk to them, how was their demeanor? Miserable. Okay. Cause I have, I have. Your morale goes to crap. You are angry. you're mad um you're probably you probably got diarrhea oh for sure yeah it's a detox man you don't you don't ingest liquids and poop solids like the detox for a reason that means that stuff is coming out i think it's a big

sham oh for the detox any of. Any of those juicy cleanses. Buy it for $900 for all these juices. Do it for a week. I mean, it works. Yeah. Because you're not eating. I mean, it works in the sense that- How do you know you're detoxed?

Oh, sure. Whether or not your toxins are- How toxic do you feel right now? Are cleansed. Yeah, that's probably a sham. But people don't care about their toxins. People care about their weight. Right.

And they just want to say, oh, but I'm also getting cleaner. And if I never eat another regular meal, I'll be just fine. Yeah, that's the thing. All these diets will work, and yet they're all shams. I don't, I mean, so it's 60 days. So 60 days of green juice is not something I want to do. But the two high-intensity workouts, I don't want to either. But I'm going to go that way.

I'm going to go the two workouts. The problem with the workouts. Then eat what I want. I have talked to at least a handful of people who are mid-juice. I'm doing a week juice fast, a juice cleanse. Those people are in a bad, bad way. Like you're saying, Andy, the morale is out. Got up on the wrong side of the bed every day.

You're cranky, you're super grabby, and you're tired. You're tired. And that's the drawback of the two exercise per day. You're going to hit a point where you're just so tired true that you you can't function but you you will eventually acclimate to it like if you can fight through those first couple weeks where you're tired you're gonna bounce back eventually and it will make you feel good meanwhile i don't think 60 days on juice there's not you're not you might acclimate a little bit to that too maybe I mean that's here's what I know I know that on two high intensity exercise sessions per day I will lose

weight on a 60-day juice only diet I will lose my life there's just no chance I could power through that. There's no way. I would be divorced within at least three weeks. My kids would not want to see me. No one would want to be around me. And then it would be the quickest escalating problem of my life to be on an all-juice diet for that long. So I'm getting ripped. I'm going with the workouts the workout what would it take taking hypotheticals out of it what do you think jason what would it take for you to commit to 30 days of two high intensity workouts a day i ask myself that every day mike every day i say come on on Jay what would it take for me to commit to 30 days of

insert exercise or diet plan here just 30 days Mike let me ask you a question what would it take for me to commit to 30 days of two high intensity workouts per week. I really want the answer to that. Can you, I'm asking you as a friend, what would it take for me to do that? The honest truth is just mental strength. Yeah. Where do you buy that? A diagnosis. I don't know that a diagnosis would matter.

I think if they say, look. No, I've seen people stop drinking with the diagnosis. Yeah, but there's people who have the fetus, and they're like, how do I manage this? Diet and exercise. Diet and exercise. Like, yeah, but what else? What's the secret? Where's the pill?

So how much earlier am I going to die? That's fine. Okay. Okay. Yeah, but just throwing this out there before we move on, if someone has an answer to that question, just hit me up on twitter at jasonffl i mean like is there is there a monetary amount that's where i was gonna go like yeah if we are like if you can go 30 days with two exercise uh two 45 minute exercise periods

for 30 days we will give you right like ten thousand dollars ten ten thousand dollars okay well i'm out okay Okay, Shark Tank. Well, you can crowdsource this. I'm not sure. I mean, we can commit $10,000, but there's no guarantee we're paying that. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I mean, if I miss, obviously, I don't get paid. It's not paid up front.

$10,000, but if you don't do it. If you don't do it, you pay $10,000. No, because then he won't do it. No, $5,000 and $5,000 then. It has to be like he would make $10,000 for the 30 days. If he doesn't do it, then he has to pay out like $1,000. No, no, no. Let me ask you this, though.

Would you rather? Would you rather? Which is more motivating? $10,000 at the end of the stick or losing the $10,000? You have to do the 30 days or else you pay $10,000. I think that have to do the 30 days or else you pay 10. I think that one's more motivating. It is. It's definitely.

Like, if you don't do it for 30 days, you're losing 10 grand. If it's the same number, losing it would mean, because if I don't hit it, one doesn't affect me, and one does. So it would be that. But that's just not. That's the way to go, Mike. But that's not reality. He won't agree to it.

Why would I ever agree to that because you want to work out for 30 days i need a sponsor to come in here and say look if you am i right out if you lose no you don't need none of that put ten thousand dollars in an envelope hand it to mike you get it back in 30 days why would i do that i'm not because you want to work out i don't want to work out you you do not know me at all i don't want to work out. I don't want to work out. You do not know me at all. I don't want to work out more than I don't want to do almost anything. Didn't you just ask the actual question, what would it take for me to work out for 30 days?

Tell me the answer. New question. Check the tape. New question. What would it take? I just told you. No, new question. What would it take for me to commit $10,000 to someone else to work out?

Because that's, I mean, I don't know how to get to that point. I'm shooting my shot, Mike. I'm doing everything I can do. I like what you're doing. $10,000 to me. Put it in an envelope. We'll give it back to you in 30 days. I'll do it.

I'll record every workout. All right. Alana from the website. Would you rather have rain on your wedding day or 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife? Oh, Alana from the website, would you rather have rain on your wedding day or 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife? Oh, Alana from the website. Alana Morris. Oh, okay. Yeah.

It's like rain! I couldn't hold it. I tried. I tried to not do it, but I mean. I mean, this is just a joke, right? Yes. Well, let's take it seriously. Let's act like it's not a joke.

I mean, 10,000 spoons. I'm going to get that thing cut. Yeah, but that's a problem. Look, I don't want 10,000 spoons. How much volume would that take up? I'm at a nice steakhouse. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

I need a knife. And they present me 10. I feel like am I sitting on a Game of Thrones-style chair made of spoons? The spoon chair? With a spoon. I mean, you could get a good amount of cutting done with a spoon and enough elbow grease. Yeah. I mean, doing a steak is going to be tough.

Arizona's the only place that rained on your wedding day. You're like, yeah, this is nice. I don't think the people are going to be very happy about it. You know we're inside for the wedding so it don't matter it's just nice outside i was outdoor yours were yeah so is mine oh in arizona yes yeah what month i love michael keaton april okay november all right you both you both were fine i was july 15th yeah i'm may 20th like this outdoor weddings are called outdoor burnings you just like literally oh that's a beautiful way oh the wedding dress is on fire the wedding dress is on fire what why are you guys down in just a giant mass grave right now right yeah you'll be joining

us soon preparation all right let's go to madeline on twitter would you rather be a 1960s hippie or a 1920s gangster? Oh, man. That's interesting. That's interesting. So it's funny because both of these individually, I think you've got people on both sides of the aisle. They would be like, oh, man, I would never want to be a 1960s hippie. And then some people would be like, oh, that'd be awesome to just be a 1960s hippie and then some people would be like oh that'd be awesome to just be a 1960s hippie same thing with the gangster where it's like oh debbie's so cool or like i don't want to be you know have to break legs yeah i think being a 60s hippie i'm into it i got i think that it's looking back on

the video footage of like imagine being at woodstock and like it's a very romanticized time period in my memory of never being there. How many diseases do you have? Oh, diseases. Everyone stinks. Oh, there's no showering. I mean, there is definitely some downsides upon it, but being a 1920s gangster also comes with some downsides

of not only you inflicting it upon other people, you may soon be swimming with the fishes. True. I mean, that's true. And were those hippie vans, were they just strewn all over the street? Like, did those crash a lot? And not just people were high in them.

Yeah, what's the safety rating on those? The VW bus. I don't think there was a high safety rating on any of the vehicles in the 60s. They were all made of pure heavy steel, and you couldn't were no crumple zones no um i don't want to be a hippie like i don't know because here's why in the 1960s you can't get there yeah they would never believe it they would say this guy can't be a hippie come on god come on man grow out. I am growing it out. You could mullet it. But were there bald hippies?

Was there one? In the 1960s, was there one bald hippie? There has to be. They didn't kick you out. No, they killed him. That's the rule. If you Google what is a hippie, it's like a long-haired, homeless person who loves music and drugs. You get this brown tab.

Don't worry about it eat up and we'll tell you um but i feel like in the 60s i know there was by that point good plumbing and i know that there was plenty of electricity i want both of those things and i think i think that would be against the grain uh for the hippie so a gangster now i get it i don't want to i don't want to kill anybody i don't want to hurt hurt anybody. You don't have a choice. I know. I want the power. If you're low level.

I want the Tommy gun. Oh, I'm not low level. I'm not low level. No, no, no, no. I'm orchestrating this thing. You don't get to choose. Okay, then we're king hippie. Yeah, no, you've got awesome hair.

What is that, down your knees? No, I'm not like the boss. I'm not on top, but I'm regional. You know what I mean? Like I've got the west side. Like a manager? Yeah, I'm like the VP of- You're like, I know a guy who's going to make an offer you can't refuse.

Exactly right. Have you met my friend, the VP of sales? But I think I would want to experience the power. I want to walk with two big guys behind me into a club here's here's what you don't know and have the waves part you don't have to have those people if you're a 20s gangster you're going to be so hot in your 14-piece suit oh yeah you're gonna be real hot 14-piece suit and a trench coat and it's 1920s terrible in a fedora. Oh, man. The least intimidating gangster ever. I would not know.

Okay. Well, I'm out on both of these. I would fail miserably. Why doesn't your hat fit? I got a fat face, okay? Don't worry about it. Every first question, everybody I run into when I'm being serious, why doesn't your hat fit? And also, Mike, can I ask you another question, Mike?

No, no, but it's really small. Mike, on a serious question. Okay. Why don't hats fit me? Like, no hat. No matter the size. It could be big. It could be small.

They never fit my skull. And I know this is a real thing for Jason because there have been times when he's come to us candidly and said, guys, can you find me a hat that'll fit me? That just fits like you look at me and you go. That's not a hat guy. Right. Which sucks because you're not a hair guy either. No, but he should be a hat guy.

You guys are always in here rocking these great hats. And I'm sitting here like, man, I wish I could wear a hat. But every time I wear a hat, I look so stupid in a hat. And now you really self-confident. Maybe your cowboy hat. Oh, I haven't tried the cowboy hat. Oh, okay. And honestly, trying to break it down, I think it's just you're –

You're more of a ski mask guy. Thank you. The shape of your head, it seems to be more pointed on the top and the bottom. It's a pear-shaped head? Is that what you're saying? No, no, no. It feels even. It's like an oval, but it's pointy on the top and the bottom.

It's an oval, but it's pointy. Okay, so it's like a football. You just described a football. Yes, it's like a football. You can't put a hat on the point of a football. No, it looks stupid. It's real lumpy. You see all the problems on the face?

It's not like a normal head. Okay. All right. Well, thank you. No, I asked an honest question. I'm trying to compare because the top of Andy's head, it's wider across the top, and yours is pointy. Yeah, I got to figure that out. Have you tried a dunce cap?

Or a wizard cap? That would be perfect. Or even a witch. A witch is a hat. A witch is sure, but I was trying to give you a wizard. That's fair. I would much rather have Dumbledore's hat. You're more of a witch.

All right. Okay. Andy, were there more questions to go on to? I did find out that the VW is has a terrible tendency to oversteer all of its weight is concentrated in the back and there was no crumple zone and your knee is located basically next to the point of impact okay good so there must be a lot of hippies that are i don't know not with us not with us anymore my goodness uh so which one are you gonna be andy not the vw bug the vw bus yes i'm i'm hippie i guess i'll go hippie life i'm gonna Not with us anymore. Not with us anymore. My goodness. So which one are you going to be, Andy? Not the VW Bug.

The VW Bus. Yes. I'm hippie. I guess I'll go hippie life. I'm going to stick with the gangster, but I'll be sweating and being made fun of for my hat quite a bit. Me and my friends, this is Leatherface. He's a wizard. Pointy head.

Israel from Patreon. Oh, bonjour. Would you rather be trapped in a comedy movie with people you hate or trapped in a horror movie with your closest friends? Trapped in a comedy movie with people you hate or in a horror movie with your... This is assuming that you hate horror. Oh, we're in the movie. Okay, I was like, we're in a movie theater.

I was like, I would be fine going to a horror movie with a lot of my friends. No, you know that you're in the horror movie, so you know that your closest friends, a lot of them are going to die. Two of you maybe make it out. Yeah. The rest of you are dead. And the probability is you yourself will not make it out. This is all about whether your closest friends are more athletic than you or not.

I don't think that the athleticism matters in a horror movie. It matters a little bit. No, it doesn't. It's not. If he's chasing after me. Yeah, but that's not how you escape. You don't escape by... You escape a scene by running.

How dumb are my friends? Is that helpful? As soon as you're in a horror movie, you're all dumb. Because you run up the stairs. And you can't be too beautiful. The real beauties, they're gone. They're toast. They're out early.'ve got to get it through which of the friends makes it through the quirky one i think it's the uh so unassuming

oh man so usually in horror movies if it's if it's a female lead you're talking about like nev campbell yeah she made it through right she made it through and she's like she's kind of she's because they had a franchise she's it through. And she's like, she's kind of, she's. Because they had a franchise they needed to protect. She's two steps up from playing Vanilla. You know, she's not playing Vanilla. But she's like, you know, she's got a little bit of. I don't know what you're talking about. I think you've got to have.

I think I understand. Yeah, like, you've got to have a little bit of charisma. But not too much. Okay. Too much and you're toast. And then the comedy movie with people you hate, you're trapped in the movie. But everyone's like- Making bad jokes around you, people you don't like.

Now, a comedy movie with people you hate, that makes me think of like those movies where you're just in a terrible, you're the character in a terrible situation. Like the Meet the Falkers or the old school planes, trains, and automobiles. You know, just like, yeah, you're in just a terrible situation where everything around you is cringy and awful. But I don't want to die, so I'm going to go in the comedy movie. I'll do the horror movie. I want to, for science, I want to see which of my friends goes down first. You're doing it for the challenge.

I'm doing it for the, yeah. And, you know, I need to thin out my friend group a little bit. Now, you're speaking people-wise or pounds-wise? Metaphorically. Which horror monster or whatever? Are you visualizing? Well, I'm saying which one can you take in a fight? Of the horror bad guys?

Yeah, like you've got to fight one of them. And this is your face-to-face squaring off with one of them. The signs monsters. Because you just sneeze on them? Yeah. Just a little spit. Oh, there's a glass of water. Squirt gun.

I feel like I've got to go back to scream, right? Because it's a human. Because it's just a regular person. I mean, they got a knife and I don't. So I'm going to probably lose, but it's a human. I can't imagine being like, hey, Freddy Krueger. Oh, no, this is not good. Doesn't someone get stuck in a dog door?

Yes. It's the dog door. It was in the garage dog door. Yes. Yes. It's the dog door. What is he doing? It was in the garage. Oh, yeah. What are they doing? And that's the strongest garage of all time. Of all time.

That thing is. Yeah, I remember that scene. They call it a garage-a-teen because. Yeah. All right. Final answers? I'm going to be in the comedy movie and live. I'm going in with Andy.

We're seeing what we can get done. All right. Hey, I want to be with my friends. Let's go. We're going to be in this horror movie together. We hoped you'd say that. Yeah, because we know who's out first. No, the funny, quirky friend, he survives. He really does.

I think I'm good. I'm not the lead. The reason is that Jason wouldn't even try the dog door. Oh, no. You can't die from that method. I would just stand in the corner when the guy comes in and be like, they went that way. Can I join you? All right, let's take a quick break.

Spitwads, I want to thank HelloFresh. HelloFresh. HelloFresh is awesome. All three of us have used HelloFresh for years and years and years. You get fresh, pre-measured ingredients, mouth-watering, seasonal recipes delivered right to your door. No going to the stupid grocery store. Yeah. No looking up your own recipes and having to find everything.

No, no, no. I don't want to have all this leftover recipe nonsense waste when I'm done. And you're going to get a better value. HelloFresh is 28% cheaper than shopping at your local grocery store and 72% cheaper than a restaurant meal without sacrificing the quality. These are awesome meals. You make them at home. They have quick and easy versions, 30 minutes or less.

You're going to love it. And right now, you can go to HelloFresh.com slash Spitballers14 and use the code Spitballers14. Forget this. What's that do, Jason? Up to 14 free meals. Oh, there it is. Including free shipping.

Once again, it's up to 14 free meals and free shipping. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Spitballers14 and use code Spitballers14. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. That's a great question. Elijah from the website has a great question for us. You recently helped us all know the true definitions of a forest, the woods, and a jungle. You're welcome.

Man, we dropped some knowledge. Now I need your help to understand the thresholds between a drizzle, a sprinkle, a shower, and a storm. Whoa, that's a lot. It's really easy, though. Oh, great. I mean, I don't know why it's easy yet, but it's going to be clear. That probably because of how smart we are.

Is there truly a difference between a drizzle and a sprinkle? Yeah, there is. Well, there's definitely, I mean, the storm one is easy and that is wind. If there's wind, it's a storm. So if it's just pouring rain, if it's pouring rain straight down, that's a shower. No matter how much rain,

it's still a shower. I agree. There's no wind. There's a reason that the overhead, you know, bathroom, what? Still a shower. I agree. There's no wind. There's a reason that the overhead, you know, bathroom. What? The showerhead. Yeah, those are like the waterfall. They're the rainfall because if it's coming straight down, it's just.

If you have a windy shower, you have a storm shower. Okay, so it's the angle of the rain. The raindrop. So what's the threshold? Like five degrees to the side? It's just, I mean. What are we talking here? 10 to 15? Can you feel the wind?

It's got to be 15. It's got to be 15. Can you feel it? 15 degree angle and you're in a storm. Okay. No, no, no. Oh, yeah, you're in the storm. What I don't know is whether a drizzle and a sprinkle.

No, I do know the difference in those two. Now, which one's more? Which one's more water? No, it's about one of two things. There's only two ways that it can become a drizzle. A drizzle is freezing, okay? Really? Yeah, so if you are in a sprinkle, but it's really, really cold.

That's a drizzle? That's a drizzle. Or if it is coming out of someone's mouth, that is a drizzle. Oh, no. Those are the two ways that it's not a sprinkle, but a drizzle. Really? If you're just being... That's a drizzle?

No, no. Spit is a forced projectile of saliva. That would be a storm. You would have to sit underneath it. It would be going more than a 15 degree angle. No, it would be coming from above you. You get a little bit of sprinkle on you.

I think you're thinking of a dribble, Jason. Well, that's why. That's why a drizzle, it's either freezing like a blizzard or it's dropping out of someone's mouth like a dribble. But for it to be a drizzle, it has to be cold? Yes, unless it's coming out of a mouth. Oh, okay, then it can be mouth. There are two definitions for many words.

There is one more gap that we need to close here, and that is the difference between a shower and a sprinkle. Now, to me, this is simple. How long does it take for your shirt to get soaking wet? Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can stand out in a sprinkle. For a good amount of time.

And then go inside, and it's like nothing happened. Yeah, that's right. If you can ever have your shirt soaked, then you were never in a sprinkle. Now, Jason, if you came in from outside and you weren't very wet and someone said, hey, is it sprinkling out there? But it was cold outside, you would say. No, it's drizzling. It's drizzling. It's drizzling. Or if it's a sprinkle, like let's say you and I were out there and it was sprinkling,

but I come in after exercising in the sprinkle and my shirt is soaked. And you drip on me? If you were in a sprinkle, I was in a shower. Okay. Because my shirt is soaked. It can even come from the bottom. I don't know. Don't you drizzle onto a cake too?

Isn't that drizzling? Yeah, you drizzle onto a dessert. Yeah, but again, that's when you drop it out of your mouth. You get the frosting. You put the caramel in and let it go. You can do some cool designs that way. Ella from Patreon. I'm glad we could sort that out really simply.

Ella from Patreon says, so you guys were talking about archaeology recently. Yeah, we were. How long does someone have to be dead before it's considered archaeology and not grave robbing? That's a legitimately great question. That's a great question. Because it's the same thing. It is. But one of them is for science.

It's got to be. No, I think I know the answer. Okay. If it's unmarked and the family wouldn't have claim to it. So even if it happened yesterday, this is archaeology? I feel like it's got to be generational, right? What, like it has to go like 100 years? No, no.

Like it's got to be from as soon as that generation is no longer alive. If only bones are left, is it archaeology then? That sounds promising. And no caskets allowed? Rate of decay. Is a casket ever going to be considered archaeology someday? No. Yeah, because a sarcophagus is a casket. Well, that's true. It's just real

fancy. It's true. I think it's not considered. Somebody back then said, hey, no one is ever going to consider this archaeology because we'll put them in here they know the casket rule but it's a sarcophagus god bless you i'm just saying i'm i'm saying i get that they serve the same purpose but i think they would have called it a casket except they knew that they wanted this to be part of history so they're like this is someday it's going to have to be archaeology. This has got to be a sarcophagus. Why is no one selling sarcophagus? How do you...

Sarcophagi? Yeah. Sarcophagi. I know a guy. Why can't we buy a sarcophagi? Yeah. Dude, I want to be buried in a sarcophagi. See, this is what I'm saying.

No, you would be in a sarcophagus. You would be in a sarcophagus. Look, I'm whiter. I need multiple... I need two sarcophagi. And they're probably just going to have to cut me down the middle. And then, you know, put half of each. Now, a sarcophagus's technical definition is a stone coffin.

Yeah, see? Typically adorned with sculptures. Now, they don't do the embalming. Well, did they do embalming the exact same as back then now? I mean, they don't wrap you. No, it's not the same. In ancient Egypt? They don't wrap you, but they use chemicals, right? I'm pretty sure we've come a long way since then. And they also take all your organs out.

Can you choose your rate of decay on your will? Do you know what I mean? I think science chooses that, but are you saying... Well, no, I mean, you could spring for the finer embalming fluid. Oh, okay. Like, rate of decay. i imagine is it better to it's slower slower is better in case you zombie i think most people would think that but i would

want i would want quicker i just want to like you want to be archaeology sooner yes i want to be available for now here's a question if you get a wooden casket because that wood's gonna go away you can still be part of archaeology someday sure because once the wood decays and goes away now here's uh for science i wanted to see so i just typed sarcophagus in google but i want to go over to the shopping tab and just see what i you know what i mean like can we can we do this or is it just going to be like 20 million dollars for king tut's sarcophagus i wonder they're expensive i wonder if the archaeology, oh, you have the price? I can get one for a thousand,

but I think these are more like decorations nowadays. Well, you could still use it. They're King Tut. Ooh, are they hollow? I got to look into this. Yeah, it's for a thousand, they're hollow. Do they have to declare this is for decorative only? What if archaeology,

do not bury inside? What if archaeology is more about, oh, I didn't know a body was there. Like, can you have archaeology in a cemetery from days of old? Yes. It's not just, ooh, I found a body. Or I found some bones. That is a really good question. Or, hold on.

Like, I didn't think a bone was there, and there's a bone. Now it's archaeology. Unless it's a dinosaur, in which case then you're no longer archaeologists. No, you're a paleontologist, and I just learned that's what I wanted to be. Does that particular culture, that time period of that culture, does that have to be gone? I don't think so. What do you mean, like the Aztecs or something? I think you can have archaeology digs right now in Italy, and they're still thriving.

Right, but I'm saying, yeah, and people still live in Egypt, and there's Egyptians and things, but they don't live the same way. They don't have like a bygone culture. That's why I said it's a generation. As soon as the last person of that generation is gone, boom, all of them can be included in archaeology now. Or is it simply... Now, why are we so concerned with bones? Don't archaeologists dig up artifacts? Yes, they do that as well.

Yeah, like, I don't know, arrowheads and pottery. But we're speaking specifically to the graves. So what if it's simply, is grave robbing for personal gain, or or archaeology is I promise these will go in a museum. I think that's a really, really much easier distinguish like an answer to the whole question. So if I open up a decently fresh grave. Yes. But I put that body in a museum. Yes.

I am an archaeologist. Yeah. Well, you put it in that. You remember that the traveling bodies. You also have. How do you remember the traveling bodies exhibit? Oh, that's right. How do you think they cut their bodies? You also have to use one of those little brushes.

If you don't use a little brush to brush it off. Oh, to get the dirt, yeah. If you just pull the body out with your hands, you're a grave robber. That's right. You need to brush it off slowly over a matter of weeks. It doesn't have to be all manual tools. Like, you can't bring a caterpillar in to do archaeology. No, that'd be grave robbing.

Yeah, you need a shovel. All right. And the hat. The hat you're wearing while digging. That makes the difference. All leather. Yeah, it has to be all leather and a fedora. It's so comfortable.

Caleb from the website, what is the difference between a chicken tender, a chicken strip, and a chicken finger? We're just solving all kinds of world problems. This has been fabulous. These are the best questions. A chicken tender, a strip, and a chicken finger? We're just solving all kinds of problems. This has been fabulous. These are the best questions. A chicken tender, a strip, and a chicken finger. Is there a length situation here? Chicken tender. There's got to be.

When did we start? Why did we start calling them chicken fingers? I went to a restaurant last week where they had chicken. Some guy was holding them all up in his hand one day. Well, and they had chicken toes. No, they did not. 100% their menu day. Well, and they had chicken toes. No, they did not. 100% their menu, their kid's menu had chicken toes. Then they're really chicken toes.

Yeah, was it a chicken foot? Did you get it? I tried to get my son to get it. Yeah, it was on the kid's menu. The kids are cowards. But no, we did not get the chicken toes. But obviously they are making a play on the fact that they call these things fingers, which is super stupid

right like chickens don't have fingers so it's really dumb but that is what the chicken was like in the cafeteria all the time i feel like you were hesitating unsure if chickens actually wait wait right like chickens don't have fingers right i mean I mean, right? You know what I'm saying? Imagine if they did. Imagine if they all, man, just at the end of their wings, like they open the wings. Tiny little hands.

They got little fingers. And they shake your hand when they walk into a room. Okay, but we still need to answer the question. So there's a tender, a strip, and a finger. This is all, isn't this...

Is a tender breaded? They're all breaded. I feel like strips and tenders are perfectly synonymous with one another, but fingers are chicken pieces that were intentionally shaped long and thin.

Strips and tenders are the same thing. It's a matter of girth. Yes, very thin and long. Yeah, I would agree with that, but I also think there is a difference between a tender and girth. Yes, very thin and long. Yeah, I would agree with that. But I also think there is a difference between a tender and a strip. A tender is one solid piece of meat that is then breaded. A strip is basically, you know how they print nuggets?

One solid? No, but you're just taking a bunch of meat and tearing it up and then packing it back together. But that's what a tender is as well. No, I'm saying a tender is one solid piece, like a chicken breast. None of those. But even a chicken. When you buy a chicken breast at the grocery store, when you buy a frozen chicken breast, read what it says, because it says held together with rib meat.

That's why chicken breast is so good? Because of the ribs? Yeah. Ribs are delicious. They're way better than chicken. Can you not get a regular real strip then? Or a tender? I mean, you can, but not in the frozen section.

Now, is a chicken strip... Those are called chicken chunks. Yeah. Is a chicken strip just harder? Because my understanding, I would think that the chicken tender would be the tenders and it would be insinuating yeah it would be like this was a chicken strip except it's fancy look how soft this is very tender i i think they're the same tenders and strips are the

same but then the chicken fingers are only you're only allowed to serve those in cafeterias i to me a chicken tender the the shape it's nicer shape, so it's thicker than a finger. And then a chicken strip is where it's just like, it looks like a rock formation, where it's just the breading is just all over the place. So it's about the breading, not the meat and size? I just figured it out, guys. Okay, please share. I really figured it out.

It's just price. It's just the price. The cheapest is the chicken finger. If you want to sell it for more, now you've got chicken strips. And if you really want to make a high profit margin. You look at Tinders as greater than strips? Tinders are greater than strips. I would definitely say Tinders are better than strips.

Wow, I think of chicken strips a little bit better than Tinders. Tinders are kitty. You haven't made it to our price level of restauranting. Thank you, Mike. What's the step above all three? Like, actually, chicken breast. Like the real chicken? Oh, man, why don't they do full chicken breast bread?

Oh, they do. Those are delicious. That's like chicken fried steak. Yes. Chicken fried chicken. They do sell the wings. Breaded chicken's great. I just realized that.

Why don't they sell chicken sandwiches? All right. Let's get into this draft. Spidwads, we deserve to know what we're putting in our bodies and why, and especially when it comes to something we take every day. Ritual's clean, vegan-friendly multivitamin is formulated with high-quality nutrients in bioavailable forms your body can actually use. And what you're not going to find, sugars, GMOs, major allergens,

synthetic fillers, artificial colorants. It's a good vitamin. Trash. Trash is what you will not find in ritual. It is good stuff. It's the multivitamin reimagined. A multivitamin, it should contain key nutrients and forms your body can actually use to help fill gaps in the diet. No shady extras.

We're talking about vitamin D3. And it's just two pills. Just whenever you want to take them. Like I take mine. Yeah, they are. What you're talking about is nice3 and it's just two pills. Just whenever you want to take them. Like I take mine. They're nice. Yeah, they are. What you're talking about is nice. They got the little minty flavor. Exactly. Before ritual, I had never experienced a multivitamin where I take it and I'm like, I am refreshed. It's not even like a, I mean, it's not like a flavor you taste. It's just like a refreshing aura. Yeah. And you're refreshed at the beginning, refreshed at the end. It's designed with your life stage in mind.

They have it for women, men, teens. The Ritual multivitamins are scientifically developed to help support different life stages. Get key nutrients without the garbage Ritual is offering our listeners. 10% off during your first three months. Visit ritual.com

slash spitballers. That's 10% off for your first three months. Visit ritual.com slash spitballers. That's 10% off for your first three months. Go to ritual.com slash spitballers. Start your ritual today. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting things to fight a dragon with. What are you chuckling about over there? I'm chuckling because I just now saw the picture that was shared in the Slack channel from Al Borland.

Of chicken feet? Horrific chicken fingers. Those are the toes. Yeah. Gross. That's fun. All right. Setting the table here.

Mike has the first pick. Yeah, gross. That's fun. All right, setting the table here. Mike has the first pick. If you were to come across the dragon, we wanted to draft some things that you would fight it with. Now, I'll be honest with you.

I didn't do a lot of preparation for this draft because as far as I'm concerned. Do you need to? No, I feel like my best chance against the dragon is going to be living on the edge. It's going to be improvisation. It's going to be coming up with, you know, if I know what I'm going to do, then obviously the dragon's going to know what I'm going to do. So I need to stay blind.

I see, because it can read your mind. Because it can read my mind. That's what dragons are. So, Mike, you have the first pick. It could be a weapon. It can be an object of some sort. It can't be a fighter jet. We said that.

Yeah, you can't. You can't be a fighter jet we said that you can't yeah you can't you can't get a you know aircraft carrier to take out the dragon you can't get a lightsaber something that's not real no this is like we're trying to get practical here we're trying to help that's the whole point of this show is to help people in in hard problems yeah yeah dragon problem dragon so mike's walking you know He's on another one of his epic hikes, such a big hiker. And uh-oh. Now see. What was that?

Is that a dragon? Oh, no. And that's why, I mean, I'm like a Boy Scout, always prepared just in case a dragon. I mean, I got the 101. I'd be remiss if I didn't pull out the real firepower here. So I don't know. We've talked about we don't i didn't pull out the real firepower here so i don't know we've talked about i don't we don't know the proper name of the weapon uh but for this instance i will call it a rocket launcher yeah i mean bazooka is the clear yeah whatever you call it

the missile on the shoulder yes now i mean let's all right let's examine briefly the pros and cons of these picks today. Sure. Now, the bazooka, that packs a punch. Certainly. But, I mean, you've got a shot. You've got one shot. You're not loading up bazooka twice. That's true. And if you are, you're getting eaten while you're loading it.

Well, the good thing is, is by the end of this, we're going to have four weapons. So, you shoot that, and then you're quickly going to the next. It's like American Gladiators, where you shoot the weapon, and then you get down, you then you're quickly going. It's like American Gladiators where you shoot the weapon, and then you get down, you run to the next weapon. Like, okay, I got to make it to the end of this thing. That was the best game. And the losers that got hit with the tennis ball. Yeah. Okay, so you took the rocket launcher.

I did. The bazooka. In my research for this, I was trying to figure out. Is there a lot of writing on this from experts? Well, not particular bazookas against a dragon, but it was like, what actually kills a dragon? Because there is universally accepted things. For a werewolf, it's silver.

A vampire is the steak to the heart, and the garlic is a defense as well. But I don't think there's a universal agreement on what would actually kill a dragon. It's just dehydration. That's it. The only thing that we know. So, sodium. I need a lot of sodium.

A lot of, yeah. I need Flavacol. Yeah. Boom! Just dehydrate. Otherwise, they're invincible. All right. You're up, Jason.

Okay. And, I mean, you have some things to choose from. I do have a couple things to choose from i think when you're really trying to survive you want the rocket launcher and there's only other one other weapon i can think of that comes close to the power but it solves the problem you brought up with of like this one shot and run technique over here i'm taking an automatic grenade launcher it's on my list it's on my list i don't how many rounds do you have though i would like probably six probably probably six seven hundred rounds what is in my like it's a really large so you think you just

have the like how the bullet you can feed the bullets in but it's just grenades yes and it's on my hike remember i've hiked up this mountain and i've brought this weapon with me the it goes all the way down it goes all the way down the mountain the trail of this i mean it's incredible work um so you're going grenade launch grenade launch automatic i did i did think about the fact that there is a an element here of like i guess you better shoot those first because if you happen to move around with them yeah you that's gonna you're carrying too much weight it's funny because on when i made my list at first i had grenades and during research i was like oh shoot

you have to throw this it's gotta be real close and i gotta time that right now i'm just but you have a lot of experience with an automatic grenade launcher. Yeah, I'm pretty much a pro. See, I'm already... I'm in panic mode. You're realizing you shouldn't prepare. Not because I don't have options. Like, I have a lot of options, but all of mine are far more pedestrian than your newer-aged options.

I've got some pedestrian picks coming up. Don't worry. Hey, a bow and arrow is a fine pick. Well, let's see. You've got two. I know I have two. So pick your two favorites. Okay.

A rock and a sling. Hey, it worked for David. I'm full on David. All right. I will... Look, you made a good point earlier. You talked about the fact that we've got four weapons that we're each going to have.

And so I need to build. You guys had the first couple of picks. I need to build more of a well-rounded grouping, which means I do need protection from a fire-breathing monster. Which means I will draft a shield first. Okay. I'm going to draft a shield. Okay. It is fireproof, to be clear.

A fireproof shield. What? Yeah is fireproof, to be clear. A fireproof shield. What? Yeah, no, I'll allow it. Just in the fireproof sense of like it blocks the fire from hitting me. Yeah, it's not going to just melt. I mean, it's going to get real hot. We've all seen movies where the person is standing behind the shield and all the fire is going around them.

We have in fake movies, yes. I've never seen a real movie with a dragon bazooka boys bazookas are real no i i like it i think so are shields i know but they're gonna melt they're gonna melt i because i look because i looked a lot here's uh here's where i'm coming from because i was like oh i'm gonna bring up i'm gonna get me a fireproof suit it's on my list and And I looked those up. Those can sustain temperatures up to 1,000 degrees. That's right.

But what was agreed upon for dragons is that their fire is at least 2,500 degrees. When did we agree on that? Yeah. Who is- The internet. Who is deciding this agreement? Google how hot is dragon fire. It's important-

No, it's fine. You keep your shield. Whether or not my shield burns up immediately. Temperature- It won't be immediate. But it will also be a 2,500 degree shield in your hands. I hope you draft oven mitts. Or you're going to be in a bad way. Look, I am.

Okay, so look, I don't see what you saw. I see 2,400 degrees. Oh, shoot. I was off. Okay. I'm going to combine the shield with a traditional weapon. Are you going classic? I've seen more people fight dragons with this object than any other object in history.

Okay. I don't know how many of them won, how many of them got eaten. But I'm just going to go with a traditional sword. I've got a broad sword on my list because it is classic. It is classic. And the likelihood of a dragon you know landing on top of me is probably the highest probability of all of this like maybe it's the situation where it falls right on the sword when mike and i are when we are going to the cave i

assume there's a cave at the top of the mountain where the dragon lives when we are going to the cave you always you know that you're going past bones. And so someone has to draft like Andy so that we, you know, because there's got to be bones on the floor. Um, otherwise we haven't really seen my shield there. You'll see the sword there. Yeah. Uh, let me tell you this puddle of shield. There will be archeologists there.

Oh yeah. Yeah. To dig us up. Um, cause we're all dead. Okay. So is it back to me? Yeah, it is. All right. All right. I'm, so is it back to me? Yeah, it is. All right.

All right. I'm glad this one got back to me. I'm trying to go down in history as the courageous knight. Yeah, you're going more knight. Oh, you're going down. I figure we're all dying. I want to look the part. Yeah, I would have got the suit.

Could you imagine a suit of armor? Just a nightmare cooking in your suit of armor. Just like you're totally protected from the flame, but it's 2400 degrees and you're just melting inside the suit. It's so hot. Even if it doesn't hit you, the metal

is conductive. He's not even bothering you and your suit is so hot. You're in an oven. You're fighting a dragon in not even bothering you and your suit is so hot. You're just, you're in an oven. You're fighting a dragon in an oven. Not recommended. How has no one thought of this problem? Because generally these things have protected people in the movies.

We've got to produce a new movie where the knights go up and there's a dragon just shooting fire nearby. And they're like, oh no, this is getting really hot. And then they all die in their suits. Suits are glowing red. I i'm gonna question the science here al if you put something metal in a furnace that's 2500 degrees but you put it in there for one second and take it out it's not cooking you no for one second certainly not but it but what do you think i'm just running around in this suit and he's like following me no but it fires but a dragon fire breath is longer than a second yeah but how long does it take to really three that's one three seconds a one a two all right you are up look

dragons might or might not be real i have not seen one but i i'm not gonna rule it out sure but i know something That would be like you saying broccoli's not real. Because he's never seen it? I get it. There was a joke there. I shouldn't have gone broccoli. I should have gone something else.

You did go back to broccoli. I should have gone exercise real. That would have been the joke. Redo it. Two, three, four four but there are giant beasts on this earth yes that are hunted unfortunately by man and if it can if it could take one of those down it's my next best bet okay i'm taking a wailing harpoon oh just you're going moby dick i'm going moby dick i mean the monster of the sea and the monster of the sky. Now, is that harpoon, does it come with the boat?

Are you on the mountain with the boat? No, it's just drilled into the mountain side. The boat? Yes, the boat is drilled into the mountain side. I couldn't get it off the boat, so I had to bring the whole boat up and mount the boat on the side of the mountain. I really wanted just the harpoon. It's got a rope on the end of it, so if you wanted to haul it back.

Or bring the boat to the dragon once you hit it. Well, I'm taking the boat for a ride. So now I've got a flying boat, and this is awesome because I'm flying through the air connected to this dragon. You've got a whaling harpoon. Yeah, I've got a whaling harpoon. That's fine. The nice thing is, really, I just want it to fly away injured, okay?

Okay, yeah, yeah. And then I can find where it flew because it's like a thousand-foot rope. I'm just going to eventually go there and hope that the job was done. Okay, so you're going harpoon. Feeling better about my picks now. Mike, you're up. Two picks for you. You said you have a secret final pick. Yeah, for the final pick. I'm saving that one, though, for my picks now. Mike, you're up. Two picks for you. You said you have a secret final pick.

Yeah, for the final pick. I'm saving that one, though, for my final pick. Makes sense. Math checks out. So, the problem with the dragon is that they, well, I mean, there's a lot of problems. There's a lot of problems. The teeth. Bad attitudes.

Yeah. The hunger issue. They're probably on the juice diet. That's true. They turn all their food to juice before they drink it. The biggest problem is they breathe fire. What if I attack the dragon, making it very difficult for them to see or to breathe? So I'm going World War I style, and I'm busting out my mustard gas.

So you're poisoning yourself. Oh, no. I'll have a suit on. Have you drafted a suit? I did not hear a draft pick of... I will throw the mustard gas. We all know we begin this fight naked, Mike.

Yes, yes, that's right. Don't ask where I'm carrying the mustard gas. We are all on the side of this mountain. With my next pick, I pick sunblock. Let's just say I don't need a canister uh spf 500 uh so you're taking mustard gas yeah okay so i have that's a dangerous gas oh certainly certainly uh so a rocket launcher and mustard gas and okay here's where it gets it's dicey of we don't know i'm just seeing a

little canister of mustard gas going off down by the feet. Down by the feet of this giant dragon. Oh, Owl just gave us all the melting points of metal, which is a fantastic read here. But we'll get to that in a second. That you will not be sharing. Yeah, no, you can look it up yourself. It's real good. What we don't, because we don't agree upon,

like how does a dragon breathe fire? What we don't, because we don't agree upon, like, how does a dragon breathe fire? You know, is it that they have the two glands where the liquids mix and then something? But my question is, how strong is the fire? Because if it's weak, I'm drafting a garden hose. And I'm just going to have a little spritzky. I'm just going to shoot him with some water and see if that fire goes out. I have a fire hose on my list.

Oh, I'm taking a garden hose. A fire hose would have been way better than a garden hose. Do you know how heavy a fire hose is? That's true. Wait, did the guy who has a rocket launcher complain about the fire hose weight? I've got to be honest with you. I'm so happy with your guys' picks lately because I was feeling up against it with my

sword and shield. Nope. But I do not anymore. My whaling harpoon's awesome. Your fire hose has one. It's on and it's extreme. With my garden hose, I can do the mist. Wait, you have all the settings?

Oh, yeah. Oh, you got the handle? Yeah, I got the handle. Okay. I got the handle. So what are you starting with, jet? Oh, yeah. You got to try it out.

You got to go to jet. But do you ever move oh yeah you gotta try it out you gotta go to you ever moved to shower well that's when i go to drizzle oh okay all right very cold the mist is for yourself right like it's hot out here the dragon's nearby missed myself go back to jet spray i just love how mike dismissed my shield so quick because of the fire's fury and here he was like but if the fire's not too bad, a garden hose is going to do mighty fine. It'll melt your metal, but look at my stream of water. It's going to be.

How do you put a fire out? You can't put. Not with metal. With a fire hose, Mike. Garden hose. All right. Man. All right, Jason, you're back on the clock.

Man, there's three weapons I really, really want. You're not taking any of them. So I get three more picks. Is that right? No. Well, I'll let you know after I pick them. Okay. I'm going to go here with...

Okay, I know what I would do if I was really fighting a dragon. Run. Yes. Well if I have to take training shoes. No no no no no no if I have to try to actually kill a dragon. My job is to kill a dragon. I want to be as far away as humanly possible hidden under a bush

where they hopefully can't see me with their super eyes. Camouflage? Sniper rifle? I'm taking a sniper rifle. That's right. It is on my list. Get the eye. I'm just going eye.

That's it. It is on my list, but then I considered how hard it is for a sniper to hit a target that's not moving very quickly. I'm waiting for him to fall asleep. Oh, whoa. I'm looking right in the cave, going for the eyelid. I have heard that it's very fun to be eaten by one eye dragon. That that's a risk I'm willing to take. You know, maybe at that point, my juke moves out in the open field.

It really confuse them. So you just just make sure you zigzag. You better start in your case. You better start with the sniper shots, because if you go from, like, you'll probably have his attention with the grenade launcher and the whaling harpoon. And then if you run and jump into a bush, he probably sees you at that point. Well, yeah, that's where I got to start with the eyes.

You're right. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, I've got a few things. One of the ways that I think a dragon would go down, like one of the best chances that you actually can defeat it, is by blowing it up from the inside.

Okay. Oh, okay. And so I think I need to throw a stick of dynamite into its mouth. Ah, okay. So I need to, I've got to, you know, I probably need more than one throw. Have you thought about feeding dynamite to a goat? I have. And then putting the goat out there.

You're going to need a really long fuse. Yeah, it's sticking out of the goat's mouth. That's what I mean. That's not sticking out of the mouth. Or what if you made a... The fuse is not coming out the mouth. A giant human-shaped stick of dynamite. Yeah, I mean, these are all great options, guys.

I appreciate it. I'm going traditional dynamite. Okay. Now, what I need is this. This thing's got to get close, and I've got to time the fuse up, but he needs to swallow this stick of dynamite and then go boom. Okay. That is how you would kill it in a video game.

Yeah, there you go. Now I have one final pick. And I'm trying to decide, do I go left field here? Do I go more traditional? Boxing gloves. I'm taking this thing on the old-fashioned way. Well, you can't punch a dragon in the mouth with bare knuckles. You're going to get hurt.

Your tooth. Yeah. Can I, am I allowed to draft a giant bear trap? Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Sure mean that's good to know now my pick is gonna be say that's for land animals right yeah it's gonna be easy for him to i don't know fly right over that well he can't eat me while he's in the sky can he he can oh yeah he definitely can we can could i put the trap trap on my back and lay down flat? You want the dragon trapped to you? Yeah, so I had

a dynamite. He can't get to me until he goes through the trap. I don't think you've thought through this. One of the things on my list, I'm not drafting it, but I had a C4 vest just as the last backup plan. You might win, but you're taking me with you. No winners. But what if he doesn't want to eat you?

That was my problem. He just cooks me and I blow up far away. I'm going to pivot my pick. Is that all right? Okay, you're not taking the bear trap. I'm not taking the bear trap. I'm going to go with, Jason really inspired me. He's out on the open seas, which is really key here.

So I'm going to take a cannon. Old school cannon. It's on my list. It's on my list as well. Look, the odds of me hitting this thing with this cannon. But if you do. Oh, the glory of me hitting this thing with this cannon. But if you do. Oh, the glory. And you've got a screen cannonball.

I like how we, can we all say that we're just. Cannonball. Can we all just say that we're waiting until it goes to sleep if that's allowed? Yes. Because my odds are going up with that. Do you think in a world where there are dragons and we have to fight it, that any of the three of us are taking this thing on when it is not asleep? Like we're're coming oh it's up there peak daylight let's go well no pete not peak daylight but you got to do it between four and five p.m you got to feed it a magic

meal get it to go to sleep then bring the roll the now rolling the cannon up the hill is going to be a bit of a yeah that's hard it's going to be a bit of an issue not quite as hard as the boat i was gonna say the boat's a little worse all right that's my final pick jason mike you have one more remaining jason you have a grenade launcher whaling harpoon and sniper rifle all right i thought about going with one of the best weapons all times but this is not a bore so i'm i'm you're not taking it i'm gonna take the spear you kind of already you have a shooting spear right exactly i took a spear that is very large and much more effective. But I do think that one of the only ways you're going to be able to kill this thing is, from my understanding, 100% of animals are also allergic to poison.

Okay. And so I've got to find a way to poison this thing. You took the mustard gas. I've got a lot of things on my list, but my favorite one on my list is a basket of King Cobras. That's what I'm drafting because I know a King Cobra could take down an elephant. So if I throw all these King Cobras in that cave, I'm just on my knees praying he gets a bite or two or six in.

Now, is this an open? Does it poison you if you eat them without them biting him? No. No, no, no. Well, actually, the venom is in the king cobra. Yeah, but it comes out through the teeth. But it doesn't matter if it's ingested into the dragon's bloodstream. Also, is this a picnic basket?

It's a very sturdy. It's a very... Yeah, it's a wicker basket. I'm going to be honest. It's just made. It's a very sturdy. It's a wicker basket. I'm going to be honest. It's just made out of wicker. I wanted something a little sturdier, but I was in a rush, man. How are you going to make these king cobras look appetizing? Paprika?

I don't need them to be eaten. My goal is that they are going to attack. They're going to feel threatened because I'm shaking the basket before I throw it, obviously. Yes. I'm riling them up. Shake that basket. How are you not getting bit? Well, the wickers they have no idea he's got a napkin laying on top of it obviously right so the lid is mostly closed and when I'm shaking this

thing up and this is a really small basket and a really big dragon no I mean the basket's pretty think of like a lot not a small like a really. Like a hot air balloon basket? No, no, no. Like a large laundry basket. I could put a full load. Oh, okay. Okay, and it's like half full of King Cobras. I did not think basket of King Cobras was going to come up. Yeah, I was afraid you were going to take it. So I'm shaking this thing up, and then I'm doing, what is the Olympic thing where they

spin, and they're spinning, and then they toss the thing they toss. Sorry, I was reading about cobras not being poisonous. They're venomous. Yeah. So it's not a problem. A poison is toxic if ingested. Guess what? Dragons are allergic to venom as well.

I mean, venom will kill... Yeah, it probably could. The only way cobra venom is toxic is if it's injected into the bloodstream when it bites you. Great. Well, this is what I'm drafting. You are hoping this small little snake bites this large flying snake. 100%. Okay. Yes. Mike, you have

your final pick. And don't you dare say snake singular. I have a basket full of king cobras. Like a picnic basket. No, a laundry basket with a top on it that just rests there so that when I throw it in, the top is off, but it protects me while it's on the outside. Oh, you should have just drafted a cobra bomb. Oh, man.

Mike, your final pick. I'm excited. All right, so I was thinking through it, and this is the... What are your chances against a dragon? None. When you're going to a dragon? None. When you're going to fight it? Zero. I draft prayer.

Sure. But when you're young, you're like, oh, hey, Gramps. They were bullying me at school. They're making fun of me. You're like, oh, man, I want to kill him. And Grandpa says, you kill him. But you kill him with kindness. I am drafting kindness.

I am going in with some type of way to be nice. You're drafting kindness? I'm killing him with kindness. I can't wait for you to walk up and compliment this creature and have it bite your head off. So the bones. We're all dead, my man. So the bones. I'm the last hope.

Did this come from Pete the Magic Dragon? Is that where this came? It's not Pete. No, that's Pete's dragon. Which is also a friendly dragon, right? Now imagine if Pete tried to kill the dragon, he would have gotten eaten. But instead he went with kindness.

I just want to know how you show kindness to a dragon in a way that it understands. If I tried to bring kindness to a bear, I'm not sure it picks up on it. Are you complimenting it? Well, yeah. I've never seen someone submarine their draft faster than garden hose and kindness. He was the one that got the rocket launcher. Yeah.

And it was too easy. It was too easy. For the dragon. Like, you could smog. You could kill smog with kindness. I just give him gold. And he talks. So I can talk to that dragon.

But what are you saying to it? Like, hey there, cutie pie. Man, have you lost weight? Okay. That's an insult. That is an insult to a dragon. No, they're very self-conscious. Oh, man.

They want to show you how much they've eaten lately. That's probably true. You've been working out? You just got eaten right there. You've been losing weight? I'll show you how to gain weight. Well, I know what will happen. He'll be like, weren't you the guy that just shot the rocket launcher at me?

Yes. You drafted kindness with a rocket launcher. I don't think he's going to buy it. Your kindness is hard. Oh, this draft is something else. Something else indeed. I went with a shield, sword, dynamite, a cannon. Jason has the grenade launcher, a harpoon, a sniper rifle,

and a basket of cobras. Mike has a rocket launcher, mustard gas, a garden hose, and the quality of kindness. Yes, thank you. What did we learn today? I learned a lot. Yeah, this was a really insightful episode. I learned that the difference between chicken tender strips and fingers are just the price.

I learned what a drizzle is. And I learned that Jason says he'll do anything to start exercising. But when you give him the steaks, he chickens out. Did someone say steak? That sounds delicious. That'll do it for this episode of the Spitballers. Thank you so much for joining us. For Al Borland, Mike, Jason, and myself, goodbye.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. Oh, no. Oh, no. What happened? Is this another ad? Is this another ad for jointhespit.com? I've got to get rid of these suckers.

I've got to get ad-free on my spitwad love. I'm going to join the spit right now. Jointhespit.com, and I'm getting these dumb ads out of here.