Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 157: House Goggles & Legendary Ways To Die - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 12, 2021

On today’s show, we talk about our middle names, our pillow preferences, and randomizing our salaries. Then, “LIAR, LIAR” is back. Will a new victor arise? Tune in to find out! Finally, we terminate the episode by drafting legendary ways to die. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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A-scoo-boo-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bing-bang-ba-ding-ding. Oh, man. Oh, no. Everyone has left. Everyone left us. Now, look. I have some notes do you want this is not your scat right that wasn't theirs either i lost it halfway so you tried to do yeah i well look i brought this up when people have submitted scats into the uh

the five star reviews for the show and i wrote it out and i'm like okay i got this because it's hard to like you can't straight read a scat it's three-letter words it's a little boop beep bop i have i have some notes well they're not gonna be good well they actually i want to hear them they actually i have i have one good note uh and one critique. The critique is, just a couple shows back, my scat, which was, I mean, it's 100 out of 100 every time, I was given some garbage for going with the squeeze, and you came in there with the scat. I think the problem is that you're relying on the squeeze.

Enough of your note. Back to my notes. And this is the good note. I mean, you went just full jazz at the end because you were in your own time signature. Oh, I know. It went a little longer. The 4-4 was going, and then you were in some 7-12. I don't know what you were doing.

going and then you were in some like 712 i don't know what you were doing but the proper scat was scubu bop dot boom doom bing bang bedingy now that's good that's much better than what you did but i ended with beding did you did you say boom doom boom doom but see it was great i should have had it what i feel like i heard is i heard a record player that got on a skip. Because at one point, I swear, it was like a bop, bop, bop, bop. Did you just say a record player? Yeah, like a... Is that the term? I know, but unlike a CD skipping, that would be what we heard.

No, no, no, no. I'm talking about like an old school record player where, you know, when it got that little scratch scratch and it would keep you know what i'm talking about i i know of what you speak i've never experienced that oh that's a common thing yeah yeah when you had a cd yeah that's no not a not a compact disc an old vinyl record you have a record player no but i've seen enough movies and tv to know like when there's when there's a skip. That was my point, is you don't know what you're talking about. Who wrote that scat? I was trying to pull that up for you. The boom doom.

But as you can see, I can't pull it up for you for some reason. Oh, your phone is locked forever? I'll share it later on. Although I don't know if they want credit for what happened. I mean, it's one take, guys. It's one take. And I knew knew if i that's what it was the pressure of reading that scat hit one shot if people look but ding ding the people out there will never understand the the actual pressure of the scat of the one shot scat well when you have

10 what 15 20 million people listening the the reality is a lot of per episode a lot of people assume that we record for hours cut down take our best you know because it's so good because it's so good yeah um the reality is this is always one take and now you know that for sure because of that scat you go yeah they did not redo that they could have redone that they chose not to my man hit him with a boom-doom. Boom-doom. Would you rather on today's show, the much-heralded liar liar. Oh, yeah, baby. I'm winning.

I know. I feel it. I mean, Al Borland is not lost. How are you feeling, Al? Great. So you're feeling confident in your lying ability yet again? Very much. And we have a draft today.

Here's the draft. Legendary ways to meet your demise. A boom doom. A boom doom. Oh, okay. It all fits in. And so picture, you know, this is, what would you think would be legendary for your tombstone? Right?

Somebody's walking through the cemetery and they see your name and underneath it is, I mean, I don't think we really write how people die on their tombstones anymore. No, we. They used to. If it's legendary, it really should happen. And there's a couple ways you can look at it of like, you know, it's like you're saying andy's this is just like holy crap put that on my tombstone that was if you're going that was incredible why not be legendary but there's but there's also ways to go out where it's like me reading it on a blog going holy crap that that happened that's impossible samanac submitted that scat and

also not that scat at all but they they submitted the original one, the boom do. You had to tweak it for time. I did. I had to add some time to it. All right. Add Spitballers Pod on Twitter. Thank you for reviewing the show. Thank you for submitting all the different scats.

I'll try harder next time. And we appreciate you listening, supporting at Spitwads... Wait, what's this? You were going to say Spitwadsquad.com. That also works. It does. I was going to say that. I'll tell you what we like the most. When you tell your friends about the show.

Yeah, that's true. Or family. Or family. Or strangers. Oh, that's my favorite. Stand on a street corner. Yeah. We're looking basically what we're looking for here is free advertising. So if you can please just go out and if you want to buy a commercial slot, we give you full IP rights. Yeah, billboards.

Absolutely. Newspaper. Is a newspaper still around? Yeah, they're still around. Records. If you want to make a record for your record player. That's right. Just tell people about this. Newspaper. Is a newspaper still around? Yeah, they're still around. Records. If you want to make a record for your record player. That's right. Just tell people about this, Spitballers.

Whatever you do, just don't bill us. All right, let's get this show on the road. Would you rather? What are you doing over there? I'm sharing it. I'm sharing it. Sorry. What just happened? Judge Giamatti sent me a message.

He said, and again, this is back to the one take. He says, you have a tiny white speck on your left arm sleeve. And that was a big deal to Mr. Giamatti. I could see it. What was it? Do you think people would have unsubscribed on YouTube? Probably not that far. They will now.

Are you talking about youtube.com slash spitballers? That's right. Well, it's free to subscribe. What was the spec? I don't know. Was it a bug? No, it wasn't a bug.

It was not dandruff. It's too small. It was probably food. Crumbs of some sort. Preferably a Danish if it were me. You keep Danishes on your sleeve? Yeah, you do. Those are your best?

Yeah, you do. Your favorite crumbs? Danish crumbs? Yeah, absolutely. He wears Danish. Without a doubt, Danish crumbs are the best. I'm wearing Danish from Calvin Klein. All right, here's the first would you rather for today.

Will from Twitter. With a 10-year contractual commitment to your choice, would you rather choose your job or your salary? The other will be chosen at random. So you choose your job or your salary. The other is random. I feel like we've had questions similar to this before. We have, Owl.

Just throwing that out there. You always do um i mean i don't i i'd rather be happy every day i mean your job is what you're doing eight to ten hours a day and so if i'm getting a random job the odds of like what percentage of jobs in the world are miserable i would would say half. 95%? No. People can enjoy work in all sorts of fields, but there's at least half of jobs that there's very little enjoyment to get out. You know, the manual labor for someone else's someone else,

like where you're removed from, you're not building something and have uh a great finished accomplished feeling but like you just do one little task you're a small you know cog on a giant wheel but how many jobs are out there if you could say because you're choosing your own salary uh is there a ceiling no no it says you choose it. $1 billion a year. Oh, so you want to quit real quick. Oh, well, I mean, yes. 10-year commit.

But no, it's the 10 years. But still, if your salary is billions of dollars, how many jobs are there actually out there where you're really... i get it money does not money certainly does not buy happiness and there could be there could be things tough that are street but when you're talking about billions of dollars we're not talking about like you're okay you're making you're making uh 150 grand but you're like okay let me let me ask you this way let me ask it this way okay so 10 billion dollars because we're 10-year commitment. $10 billion, what job would you not do?

What job would you choose to turn down? Beekeeper. Okay, yeah. Because I just can't. It doesn't matter the amount of money. I cannot do it. I am physically unable to do it. It'd be so funny if you made billions, you bought some sports teams,

but you still had to go to your nine to five, right? Like you still got to go clean the sewers or whatever, whatever bad luck job you got. I mean, you could end up, you could end up at random with an okay job. That is true. I mean, in that, in that case, like if we think half the jobs aren't great out there, but you choose a billion dollars a year, then it's a 50-50 shot at a good job.

A billion dollars, I mean... Do we have to cap it? No, okay, we could, but I was going to say Biggie was right. More money, more problems. Oh, for sure. It definitely creates some problems, but there is definitely a part. It did for him. Yeah, it did.

But that's because he won't stop. You got to talk. Well, you don't talk about the money. There's no problems. But there is definitely a part on the chart where your increase of money and problems are going up at the same angle, but then you hit a part where the problems just drop off and the Y-axis goes to zero and the money just keeps going up.

No more problems. Exactly. More money. He never said more money. Yeah, exactly. More money, no problems. No problems. Boom, boom.

Ding, ding. Okay, so I'm going to, I mean, you have a chance. We're all taking the money. Yes, sorry. We're all taking the money. No, I said I'd take the job. What? You'd pick the job?

Yeah, because if I'm doing something I love, I mean, look, Al. He complains all the time. Well, sure. And his job is great. But most of the time it's, Al, Al, Al, Al, Al, Al, Al, Al, Al, Al, Al, Al, Al, Al, Al. I love my job. Al got, he loves his job. He left a higher salary to come work here when we were a startup.

True. He regrets it every single day. I think he may. You're happy with your choice. You are, right? Ecstatic, yes. Okay, let me ask you this real quick. I thought he said to an extent, but he said ecstatic.

To an extent. I know that that last job was very hard. It wasn't great for your mental health. If it was a billion dollars a year, would you have had regrets coming here? That's a great question. Oh, man, that is a good question. The answer is yes. I mean, a billion dollars, probably yes.

But because the billion kind of breaks the game. If you give somebody a billion dollars and, yes. But because the billion kind of breaks the game. If you give somebody a billion dollars, and then he could quit the next year after he gains a billion, or halfway in with 500 million. Have you guys seen the videos? This question has a 10-year contractual commitment. That's true. Sure, okay.

I work for 10 years, and then I never work a day in my life. What if you die from stress over those 10 years? I buy a new life. I buy a new body because I have so many billions of dollars. Have you guys seen the videos where they actually physically show you the difference between a billionaire and a millionaire? And it's like you think you understand it. It's more. It's 10 times more or something.

You think you – well. No, I know, but my point is your head thinks you understand the difference between a millionaire and a billionaire but you don't until you really see it laid out i can lay it out for you because i read something very recently and i just found it the america just read it right now well i just read just re-found it. No, no, no. I had seen like what, like Jeff Bezos. Yeah. What the equivalent- Yeah, take that, Bezos.

What the equivalent is for him to spend the same as an American would spend a dollar. The average American spending $1 is the equivalent to Bezos. And the average median net worth of a US household is $97,300. Really? It's that high? So for a $97,000 income home, spending $1

is the same as Jeff Bezos spending Well, the average is only that high because of Bezos. 1.95 million. Oh my God! Wait a minute. You're telling me that him dropping $2 million is the equivalent of a buck.

That's what this says, businessinsider.com. I'm telling you, man, the billion, you can't, our brains can't understand it. The average person spends, they gain $2.2 million over the course of their entire life. Okay. He spends $1.95 million to equal a dollar. That is, Jeff, there are so many good things that you could get done in this world. I'm seeing that number

seems wrong to me. It doesn't matter. I don't care. This one says it's like $88,000. I think we're going to stick with your fact of $1.95 million. This would have been a great Liar Liar. Gouda from Patreon. Would you rather sleep without a pillow or sleep without a blanket? Your air conditioning must remain set or whatever setting you had it

on last night along with any fans in the room now this is no covers right not just no blanket because i i'm half the time i'm a chic guy okay it's the same thing okay i just wanted to make it because i'm like great and we we understand how Jason sleeps. It's a la mode. A la mode, as he said. So just for context, I don't sleep with any fans. Really? You go fan off? Dude, we don't use fans anywhere.

What? We don't know where you live. I haven't used fans in 10 plus years in any house I've ever been in. I don't understand. What's the matter? Did you know that scientifically when you're under the fan, you're cooler? I do, but I –

I mean, it dries you out. I totally get that. You know I had LASIK 10 plus years ago. Oh, yeah. Ever since then, I can't have dry eyes. He sleeps with his eyes open. I forgot that fan really gets his eyes dry. So, wait.

I totally get it. You're in your bed your fan is not on right but i turn it i mean we keep it really cold but because of your eyes the whole family is not allowed to use fans i have none of them i don't know we're just not a fam family family we're not a family we're a great a family. We're a great big family. Do your children not know about fans? He's removed all the wall plates. There's no way to turn these fans on. Do your children just think it's like a bladed decoration in the ceiling? Do we have any more ceiling lamps?

They're just lights. It's just a lamp. Why does this lamp have four arms? Yeah, we don't use them. Does that make us weird? Yes. Everyone's saying yes. It's just a lamp. Why does this lamp have four arms? Yeah, we don't use them. Does that make us weird? Yes. Everyone's saying yes. Yeah, without a doubt.

We live in Arizona. Brooks, Jeremy, do you both use indoor fans? Yes, we do. Oh, yeah. On high, on medium, on low? Medium, usually. Mike? Medium.

Yeah, yeah. Low to medium. High is... I know Jason's a high. High is a situation. I went into Jason's house the other day to watch some of the Suns game. High is a problem. He probably just like his water showering habits.

The fan was clearly rigged to be extra, extra, extra high. Is it stable? Yeah. No, it's no rocking. Oh, he was shaking the house. No. The foundation. I do have one.

I've got a fan in my master bedroom that has a click when it's on high just oh man so i can't go high there um but otherwise i want all the wind blowing like a hurricane in my house freezing uh temperatures i must be living the wrong life but nevertheless you thought about goggles i think i would sleep just then you could turn your fan on but like you're wearing swim goggles these are my sleeping goggles i hate you guys just all parts just all parts of the day when you come in right by the door you got your house goggles you put on your house slippers you put on a robe and you put now they can be bigger than swimming goggles they're like the old motorcycle slippers, you put on a robe, and you put on your goggles. No, they can be bigger than swimming goggles.

They're like old motorcycle goggles, so you really have a good field of vision. I don't know why we don't use fans. Like snowboard goggles? Exactly. Okay. I think you'd look awesome in those, Andy. Just shuffling around the house. And then you can use your ceiling lamps again.

Well, I think it would introduce a new level of problems to my life. Every day I take off my house goggles and i got those big old rings around my eyes i can't believe you don't use your pants we never do there's why we even got one removed we just took it out you got a fan removed i hate that ceiling lamp get it out of here send it over i always need more fans Well, you guys are sweatier than I am. Oh, I'm sweaty in a refrigerator. I will sleep without a pillow. I'd rather have the blanket.

Oh, there was a question. I'd like the temperature control perfectly. I feel like I navigate the temperature control with blanket very well. I'm a feet out the bottom. Me too. Me too. Blanket over the middle. Okay.

I'm a feet out the bottom. Me too. Me too. Blanket over the middle. Okay. And then. Well, it's a situation because the blanket is not just temperature control. Like the blanket is also.

Okay. What else is it? When you're sleeping, it's like a, it makes you feel safe. Like a. Now do you sleep with a. Now just understand this. Hot Arizona. How thick's your comforter during the summer? It's duvet yeah okay that's thin right i know because it's stuffed

it's thinnish well it just depends on what you're putting inside how much you're see i basically take that thing off and i just sleep with the sheet yeah i just cover the alamode part and then like a washcloth right like i just have a piece of the blanket, and then I'm top and bottom out of the covers. Now, you see, I don't wear underpants so I can cover it with this sheet. No, I'm with you, Andy. I'm usually a leg out, but then by the middle of the night, your core temperature has dropped, and now you need the blankie. I don't put any hotel with the tuck at the bottom.

Oh, what are they doing? That's a nightmare. I feel like a panic attack coming when that happens. Oh, I know what you're talking about. That's where you grab the sheets and blankets. And rip it. And you kick your feet so hard that you rip those sheets out. And then when you're done and you're ready to leave the room,

you throw all the sheets on the ground. You say, this is what you get, staff. Don't you tuck my sheets under the bed. This is what you get. Put it in the bathtub. Just turn all the water on and then I leave. That's right. And then I clock the seat.

You waste my time. I waste yours. And then I open the mini fridge and I leave it open. That's right. All the windows open. The TV's on full blast volume. That's right.

Take that. Don't you dare tuck my sheets in. They'll know what they do. Yeah, they'll know. I don't even need to give a reason. They're going to walk in and see the room a mess. Sheets again. We did.

Sheets got me. Final answers. I'm taking the pillow because I have one pillow that I love. Oh, great. And I hate it. I know what that means for. Yeah, sorry. Sorry.

You're going to want to knock. Mike, final answer. I don't know how you. I don't know that I could sleep without a pillow. All right. I got a quiz, you guys. Now, sleep habits revealed. Yeah.

Okay. How many pillows do you sleep with? One. Uno. One. You don't have a hug pillow? Nope. A habits revealed. Okay. How many pillows do you sleep with? One. Uno. One? You don't have a hug pillow? Nope. A hug pillow? Nope. Honestly, honestly. Any of you guys over there have a hug pillow? I do. Two under the head and one to hug.

Two under the head? Hold on. Hold on. What lavish light? Three pillows? They're not that expensive, Mike. Pillows can be really expensive. Yes, they are. I mean, I bought every one that exists exists i saved my money for my previous job um i have a hug pillow yeah i sleep on my stomach yeah but see i sleep on my stomach too the hug pillow my regular pillow the hug pillow for me is oftentimes the covers you know what i mean like if you're on your side and

you kind of ball it up so you understand the need for a little hug. I do understand the need for a hug pillow. And sometimes I've got a knee pillow. But, you know. Well, I understand a knee pillow because if you're a side sleeper. That's cozy. And you have a back situation, you need a knee pillow. I mean, I've never done that because it's weird. Yeah.

But I understand it. Thank you. But, I mean, that's also not as weird as a hug pillow. How many pillows, Brooks? Just a single. Now, here's also not as weird as a hug pillow. How many pillows, Brooks? Just a single. Now here's the one thing on the pillows that we do have. Yeah. What an idiot. I also use one, but

what a loser. When our bed is made, I have to remove 72 pillows in order to sleep with one pillow. I hate that life. And I do that the way that i uh tear the sheets off in the hotel room i'm teaching a lesson every time every time that pillows go back the next day my wife and i just i'm gonna spread these pillows out you're gonna

be walking you want to make this bed you gotta walk around the house find these my wife bought a throw pillow once that was so ugly that it became a vendetta. I started hiding it. I'd hide the pillow, and then she'd find the pillow. And then I'd hide the pillow, and this was all over the place, high in the closet. It's a nice little marital game. Eventually. You hid it in the garbage can.

Eventually, I cut it with a jigsaw, and it was over. Oh, wow. That's brutal. And I filmed it, and I sent it to her. And you sent a ransom note of cutout magazine letters? It was a table saw, actually. The last purchase we made for our bed is a sensational purchase, is the new sheet and duvet set.

My wife intentionally bought something, and wherever she's getting the, the, the design information, whatever. She's like, no, I got this. Cause you know, it's more casual.

And is it a split? No, it's not a split, but it's, it's a, the design aesthetic of it is when you it's made. So when you don't make your bed, it doesn't look as bad.

That's the point. That's, that's just one of the, no, it's one of the benefits. And so it's like, how's that possible? So if I don't make the bed, it's still okay? Well, all right.

This company said so. This company said it's okay if you don't make your bed. And then it's true. And then you buy it. And it's true. Oh, since we're on this topic. Which will stay for the remainder of the show. 100%. And this is going to be will stay for the remainder of the show. A hundred percent.

And this is going to be probably a six or seven hour episode now. We recently sold our house, had to move. And when we were listing it on the market, we got- Did you move because you sold your house? Yes, we moved because we sold our house. Mike just laughed at his own stupid joke. It was good. It was good.

So here's the thing. We got a new- I had to move. We got a new bed sheet set to have it look good for, you know, when people walk through the house. Yeah, to stage the house. To stage the word I was looking for. You bought a staging bed set?

And there is this new trend that is the stupidest freaking thing in the world. And actually, I believe, I'm not positive, but I'm pretty confident that it primarily came from your wife, Andy. Oh, no. Where you take this little blanket, this little tiny- Like a throw? A throw, and you put it on the corner of your maid bed. Oh, gosh.

You just throw this messy blanket on the corner. You throw the throw? You've made your bed. It is called a throw. You've made your bed, and then you throw a throw on the corner. But you've got to get it perfectly. I've watched my wife and your wife futz around with getting the wrinkles just right. It can't be sharp.

No, it's got to look like this was an accident. This was totally an accident. I just walked by, and I, oh, this thing, I should just drop this right here. And there is literally no other purpose. This thing isn't big enough to be used for a blanket. This is just to be a messy corner of a bed. What? Why is it with decorations?

So do you have that and all the pillows? Oh yeah. I mean my bed is it's Mount Everest when it's made. Man. Alright. I guess we'll move on. Cody from Patreon. Would you rather everything you ate be

crispy and crunchy or soft and tender? Oh, this is an excellent would you rather. Man. My teeth would break with the crispy and the crunchy. Yes. Grandpa.

I feel like these are both really important to everyone's life and you've got to give up one i feel like if i had to give up one of these forever it would i would have to give up the soft and tender i've got to have the the crunch the crisp i mean that means you're eating soggy cereal right yeah or just you're probably just not eating cereal ever again. Yeah. Because who would choose to just eat soggy cereal? Your steak would be crunchy.

A nice sear on the outside of a steak is fantastic. Yeah, I agree with that. And the inside? Wait, does this mean like every single thing? No, the outside. Like everything you're eating is crispy and crunchy. But like a potato chip or like a, because a crispy chicken sandwich. You don't just get away with one or two crispy bites and then it becomes tender.

A crispy chicken sandwich. It's not crispy in the middle. If I give up the soft tender life, can I still eat a crispy chicken sandwich? It's in the name. I don't know. Sal, help. That's tough. I was thinking it would be like crunchy through and through.

Well, then i'm getting rid of that so i can't eat anything it's potato chips yes well it's not it's everything you eat would have that to it you can eat vegetables those are very crispy okay that's raw i can eat raw vegetables um but not like a cucumber because the inside is a little soft. Yeah. So, no, I'm pivoting then. Mushrooms are out. Yeah, no way.

I'm going to go with soft because there's plenty of things that are soft and are currently good, like ice cream. It's funny. I just read the question so differently. So I just read the question as everything you eat is always crunchy or everything you eat is always tender, but I'm not saying. A hard-shelled taco is not a crunchy food? That's pretty crunchy, yeah. I mean, I'm not trying to die on this hill.

I just need to know. No, you don't. We're moving on. Calvin from the website, you are no longer allowed to go by your first name. Would you rather go by your middle name or your last name? Now, Mike, your middle name is Timothy? That is correct. It is the name of my father. And Jason, your middle name is Randall? Randall. Two L's. Or actually, your middle name is timothy that is correct it is the name of my father and jason your middle name is randall randall two l's or actually your middle name is

jason isn't it no no my middle name is randall you're thinking about when you used to be called randall uh actually you didn't you met me when i was jason but yes growing up my name was randy like before high school i was randy randy was my name every Randy. You met me when I was chasing. It did sound funny. Before high school, I was Randy. Randy was my name. Every friend, every teacher, every schoolmate, everybody. And the smells. My name was forever Randy. Okay.

This is part of the story I don't think I knew. I thought it was just your family called you that. No. But you're saying at roll call at school. Yes. Was Randy Moore. Randy Moore. That's right.

And you changed your name yes because my actual name is jason so i did not change my name that's fair but i was registered at school okay well but you made a decision at one point that you didn't like yeah i like it well now i changed it because that was my name skipping over the part where at the beginning of your life, you weren't using your name. That's right. I made a formal Andrew to Andy transition in third grade. Oh, mine was in third grade too.

Yeah, from Michael to Mike? Yeah. Yeah. We were really breaking out of the mold. The whole reason was there was two Michaels. Oh, so you had a cause? I was like, Andy sounds cool. I had a cause? And it was like- I just like Andy sounds cool. I had a cause too.

There was a new kid in school. You had multiple Randys? And it was a Randy, but here's the problem. I've met like a Randy. It was a girl. Okay. I was a grade schooler. You were Shane?

No, I was like, wait, Randy's a girl's name? Because I had never met a Randy. It's fine for both. Well, I know that now, but then it was like, then it was literally because that wasn't my name, right? My middle name was Randall. I don't think Randy Travis wasn't really big then. Oh, no, I like it.

So you went by Randy. Your name was actually Randall. You're like, oh, I could go to Randall. No, this is so terrible. I have to completely change. I need a full rebrand. No. This is so terrible. I have to completely change. I need a full rebrand. And no, Randy's dead. It's time for Jason Moore.

I came back the next school year. I'm Jason now. Oh, you did it on summer break. Oh, 100%. Did you introduce yourself as a new person? You know, I don't remember how that went, but I definitely- Did you dye your hair? It was in.

It was probably- He had a limp now. Get a leather jacket where you're like, I don't remember how that went, but I definitely. Did you, like, dye your hair? It was in. He had a limp now. Get a leather jacket where you're like, I'm the cool one. I think it was between fifth and sixth grade. I left Randy. I came back Jason. And the rest is history. All right. So you either have to go by Randall or Moore.

Okay. Mike, you have to go by Timothy or Wright. I can't be Tim? And my middle name is Michael. That's a good name. So I to go by Timothy or Wright. I can't be Tim? And my middle name is Michael. That's a good name. So I could go by Michael. Can we be the shortened version? Mike?

Yeah. Tim? Randy? Randy? Can I go back to Randy? The problem with last names is, and I mean, I've had this problem since birth because my last name was right. One-syllable last names don't work for calling people by their last name. But he wants to be Tim.

No, no, no. No, no, no. I get it because he's saying, look, hey, Holloway, get over here. That's easy. Oh, yeah. But more, right? Both of those would be like, and they're both words they're both other regular words your last name is hey give me some more hey you're right you're wrong grantham you like that yeah that works that works so i've

i've been denied i've never tim i have never ever been called at any point in my life by my last name not even not even in pe when the pe teacher calls every single life by my last name. Not even in P.E. When the P.E. teacher calls every single person by their last name, I was never my last name. Did you get them both together? Was it Mike Wright? No, it was Michael. Oh, gosh. Because it's two syllables.

We're going with Mike, Tim, and Randy. There we are. Mike, Tim, and Randy. This show just changed. It's time, guys. But it's actually, I'm a big T. High T. High T.

All right, it's time for a very important segment. Oh, yes. Spitwads, I don't know if you know this, but I don't believe that you have to choose between a great shave or a fair price. Huh? Yeah. And neither does Harry's. And with Harry's, you won't have to.

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There's no way this first one. I'm already out, man. There's no way this first one. Oh, spit wads, you're going to like this. Round one. I'm out. Round one. Fact one.

The CEO of Food for the Poor, one of the largest international food relief organizations, is named Robin Mafood. Come on. There's no way. That can't be true. First of all, there's no way that anybody is named Robin Mafood. Like anyone, let alone the CEO of Food for the Poor. Robin Mahfoud. Robin Mahfoud.

All right. Oh, my goodness. All right. The second. This is Robin Mahfoud. Yeah. CEO. Second fact.

Mahfoud. Robin Mahifud. He never goes by his last name. Robin M. Fact number two. Before becoming one of the nation's largest pharmacies, CVS was founded as an ice cream shop

whose name stood for chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Yes! CVS! Chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Yes! CVS, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry. Al, you have done it. This is incredible work. One of those two is true no matter what. That's why this is so good.

I can't wait for the third. Oh, my gosh. This is so hot in here. All right, number three. One of those is a true statement. One of those is true. There's either the CEO. Robin Mufud.

Oh, man. Okay, fact three. I got to get this out. When getting a kidney transplant, they typically just leave your original kidney in your body and put the third kidney in your pelvis no that can't be true that's not that's gotta be nearly as funny true okay it's pretty funny but man so he put two hysterical factoids in here and one that is completely chocolate vanilla strawberry? That's ridiculous.

Okay. But possible. So here's why that's possible. I mean, those places started as soda shops. That's exactly what I was thinking. Walgreens and them, they started as soda shops. The soda jerk. Back in the old time, when you bought a soda pop, you went to the pharmacy for the soda. Yeah, and that's when they served you Coca-Cola with cocaine in it.

So this is theoretically possible. I can rule none of these out. Oh, I can rule one out. I can rule one out. Robin Mahfoud is not real. I mean, that's such a creative lie, because it's i mean it's too obvious right it's too it like yeah it's like man it's too subtle like a the joke robin my food reading through these it seems like we're supposed to pick the kidney transplant because that one seems

like the most believable to me but he's setting us up to lose from the top. But it doesn't sound believable. Like, when you're putting in a body part, you have to connect it to, like, not using the correct terms here, but essentially the tubes. Like, you have to hook things up. You can't just say, well, we'll reroute them. Maybe the first two are right. That was the setup. Well, no, the first one can't be right because his name is not Robin Mahfoud. So I'm locking that in.

I will die on this hill. The CEO of Food for the Poor cannot possibly be named Robin Mahfoud. Well, I am thrilled that one of us locked that one in. Because I... Where do you lean in? I lean that the CVS one is true. And I lean... I think the kidney one's wrong. Why in the world would they leave the original?

I don't know. It ain't hurting nothing. It's a transplant. I'm going to lock that one is the lie. The kidney transplant's the lie. Final answer. It's just. Yeah. Robin Bafou. lie the kidney transplants the lie final answer it's just yeah robin he knew that that would get us do i go do i gamify this or do i go with my heart no you go with what you think is right

you're gonna regret it i want us to do what we think is correct because i want one of us to beat al borland i i feel like the kidney one has to be a lie. So then come with me. All right. Thelma Louise style. All right. Let's see if we go down together. Please just don't be the CVS one.

All right, Al. Can I save the rest of this content for the next Liar Liar? Oh, no. Since we're not going to need it today. No. Yes, the CVS one was the lie. No. It stands for CVS one was the lie. No! It stands for Consumer Value Stores.

Oh my goodness. You're telling me that the CEO for the floor is named Robin Mahoud? That's impossible! Oh my gosh. Also, the third kidney goes in your pelvis? Oh my goodness. Do they just like in your pelvis. Oh my goodness. They just like, they cut it in right there.

It's, it's real. Robin, Robin, my food is real. I'm Googling. Oh my goodness gracious. The guys dig naked.

Oh man. Do we move on or we just go to the draft? What do we do? We go to the next one. We still have to play for our winner. All right, let's at least practice. All right, round two. Years after the famous assassination,

the son of John Wilkes Booth inadvertently saved the son of Abraham Lincoln from being hit by a train. The two had never met. When William Lincoln was informed who the man was who just saved him, he pulled out his pistol and shot Edwin Booth on sight. How? Come on, man. Are these all lies?

If that's true, how is that not out there? All right. We regret that one? Let me read the next one. Current internet protocol supports enough IP addresses for every single atom on Earth to have a unique IP address and still have enough left over to do another hundred Earths. I believe that one. In World War II, the U.S. developed the Bat Bomb, which was a bomb dropped by an aircraft

which would open and release a thousand bats strapped with explosives on timers. The bats would disperse to a 40-mile radius before exploding the building they chose to roost in. I believe that one, too. That is absolutely insane, and I totally believe that. I'm locking in the John Wilkes Booth one's a lie. It's so long, though. That's the thing that I just can't imagine

that Al would have written this huge, long paragraph about that. The IP addresses seems like it has to be true. That one's mathematically easy. Remember the birthday one? Yeah, because there's 12 digits in an IP address. So, yeah, I mean, the combinations is a very large number. I'm with Andy. If that's true, then come on.

Come on in the history. Why didn't I hear about that? Yeah, like history lessons, come on. Come on. Why didn't I hear about that? Yeah, like history lessons. Come on. Like we are failing so bad. Okay. I'm going to go with you guys because we're going to triple. We're going to triple.

I think that that's ridiculous. You guys got that one right. Yes. All right. Okay. I guess I got a little wordy on it. You did get a little wordy, but you already beat us. Round three.

Because cats spend up to 30% of their time grooming themselves, they lose about as much fluid through saliva as they do through urination. Seems possible. Okay. Fact two. Lobsters have bladders on either side of their heads. That's enough for you.

And they communicate by squirting urine at each other. Look, they're giant dumb monsters. They're giant dung monsters. Dumb. No, I know. Are they dung, too? They poop a lot? No, they just roam on the floor where all the poop is.

My understanding is they also squirt urine at each other, so... In 2017, Lady Gaga arrived at the American Music Awards ceremony wearing a $1.2 million wig made from the mane of American pharaoh, the Triple Crown winning racehorse. That sounds completely feasible. Wait. Did American Pharaoh win the Triple Crown? It sounds right.

Sounds right. I don't remember many horses' names, and I do remember that horse name. Yeah, I remember that name. What was the – who's the big time horse? Everyone compares like this horse is heralded. Secretariat. Yeah. Yeah.

Triple crown winner. So was... I think American Pharaoh was the first one since 1973 or something. I will lock in cats as the lie. I will lock in lobsters as the lie. Now, the three of us are tied right now so we're just competing against each other that's true well screw it you're going gaga i'll roll if i had rolled the dice in the first one i'd still be alive yeah that's true take me to victory

lady gaga one's a lie i'm locking it in all right mike you won this one yes yes i would have but it's a funny thing i didn't want you to have regret so we wanted I'm locking it in. All right, Mike. You won this one. Yes. The Lady Gaga one is the lie. Yes. I would have. But it's a funny thing. I didn't want you to have regrets, so we wanted you to go with your heart. Yeah. You can't be like we talked you out of making the pick that you wanted to make. We said pick whichever one you want.

Yeah, and I did, and I was wrong. All right. But we're a team, guys. You win again, Al. You win again. You stupid, stupid man. Hey, Spitwads. team guys you win again al you win again you stupid stupid man hey spit wads uh i wanted to give my son a perfect uh surprise gift what a nice dad i know i know we just got a new puppy jason and uh well he loves this puppy. And so I discovered paintyourlife.com and I got him a very, very special, unique gift. For all of you out there whose families haven't been able to get together for

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It's awesome. He loves it. So this is not some long process. It's awesome. He loves it. And look at paintyourlife.com. There is no risk. If you don't love the final painting, your money is refunded, guaranteed. And right now there is a limited time offer. Get 20% off your painting. That's right. You can get 20% off and free shipping. And to get this special offer, here's what you do. You text the word photo to 64,000. That's photo to 64,000. You text photo to 64,000. Paint your life and celebrate the moments that matter the most. Terms apply available at paintyourlife.com slash terms. Again, that's photo to 64,000.

The Spitballers draft. Robin. Robin. Oh, man. I wonder if that got him the job at that point. Yeah. Like, did he go towards food for the needy because his name was Robin Mahfouz? He felt so bad his whole life.

And he had to be a bully in school, though, right? Oh, yes. Everyone just had to pay up. Give him his food. All right, we are drafting legendary ways to meet your demise. I talked about it at the top of the show, but if you're just joining us for the draft right now, these are legendary ways that you die.

But you'll be remembered because of the way that you met your demise it's etched on your tombstone this is the man who died by it could be incredible it could be darwinian you know it's yeah there are different ways right different exciting um or even on my own list i've got things that are cool, things that are crazy things. We'll see. We'll see. Yeah. Legendary does not necessarily mean something that is esteemed.

It could be unique. Like, let me put it this way. It is legendary that the CEO is named Robin Mufut. All right. I don't think, I mean, of all the drafts, there's no 101 here. No. There are definitely some hippopotamus picks for this draft. Yeah, and I'm not, look, I'm not, I told you guys this earlier,

I'm not really picking based off of, oh, this would hurt more. I'm not, this is not like the most convenient way to meet my demise or the most like pain-free way this is like legendary we all not we all i won't say that but you know it's going passing in your sleep yeah that would be the way preferred right it seems like the way you want to go except i can't remember it might have been like a monty python bit someone had a bit about people passing their sleep. It's like, no, it's not good. But you're not remembered.

You're not remembered. Yes, this needs to be. It's not a legendary death. This is the answer to the question when they go to my wife and they say, how did he die? Oh, yeah. And then she says, well. You're going to want to hear this.

And I'm going to start with, he fell into a volcano. Darn it. Oh, that's a great one. Is that on? That's actually on your list? My 101 was cannonball into a volcano. So, I mean, talk about a. How crazy that we didn't think we'd have any in common.

No, and mine was better. Yeah, so via volcano, because I don't know anybody that's gone via volcano. Well, especially if you're going... Now, you could have gone Pompeii route with Volcano 2. You know where you're etched in history? You know how the ash fell so quickly? Yeah, absolutely.

But I think just hopping right in. Like falling... Because you can't really fall into an active volcano. Cannonball, you can make the decision. Yeah. I mean, I might be coming out of a helicopter at that point. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, that's an excellent one. I'm hiking up there. I'm posing for a picture. I'm, whoa! And then splash. All right. Okay.

Darn it. You took my first one off my list. And how cool would that, people walking through the cemetery reading that. Yeah. Oh, that dude, he lived. He lived the way he died. That's a wild man right there. That's a wild man.

All right. Well, I like it. Falling into a volcano. My first legendary way to meet your demise. I can't wait to hear these. Well, this, I'm working up to it. Oh, no. But I'm going to start with, like you said, Tombstone.

This is the classic comic book. Saving orphans from a burning building. Oh, you want to be remembered. I'm a hero, fellas. Okay. I'm a hero. I went down in the building, but those orphans, they made it out. You're not just saving regular kids.

These are orphans. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. They have no parents. No, they needed saving and only mike wright was there oh man may he be remembered for his legendary deeds now here's the thing now did you go in after you got them all out you went in one more time to see if there are any more and that's when you died as the as the final i have the final one in my arms uh-huh and i just i

realized that it died i realized it's coming down on me so I just, I huck him out the door. That's right. He survived just fine, but the building. The cowardly firemen who wouldn't go into the fire, they catch the final orphan. And I just I do the, I raise my hand slowly. Oh, the goodbye? Yeah, I raise it slowly and that's when it all just collapses. One tear comes down your eye?

Also, thank you for your service, firemen. Yeah, the cowardly firemen. A Mike Wright quote. Okay, well, look. That's not spitballing, Bran. So here's the thing. Because I can't cannonball into a volcano that's been taken. And you certainly wouldn't save orphans.

No, no, no. I am saving orphans, actually. That is. Every pick is. I saved orphans. No, no, no. I saved orphans. I saved their parents, wherever they no, no. I saved orphans. I saved their parents wherever they are.

If they're still around, I saved humanity because I flew a rocket into an asteroid to save the world. Okay. That's how I remember me. I saved Earth. Okay. Okay. Just you and one rocket. Yeah, I've seen Armageddon.

You want Bruce Willis. I want to Bruce Willis this thing. I want to believe that you aimed your rocket at that thing and you just missed by hundreds of miles. You're off into space. You saved nobody. He's looking at the radar. He's looking at the radar.

The meteor's coming to me. He's going off. and now ironically i'm the last one left you slowly ascend further into space man that would be a terrifying way to go that's not that's not a good way to go slowly okay so uh i have flown a rocket okay um into an asteroid to save the world this one is not so noble okay um and apparently i'm just going from movies because that one was armageddon this one's gonna come from seven i'm gonna eat myself to death i'm gonna overeat to death how did he die oh he's a hungry man he died the way he lived over eating that's another monty. He died the way he lived. He died the way he lived. Thin Wayfair. Over eating. That's another Monty Python reference, by the way.

Yeah, Thin Wayfair. Thin Wayfair. Poof. All right, you ate yourself to death. Yeah. Legendary. You would go down in history if you went the Monty Python explosion route. What would it be?

Smorgasbord or one? It would be desserts. It would be dessert. It would be whatever path. Danish's? Yes, Danish's first thing that came to mind and um probably the last thing that goes in the body um okay mike you're back on the clock yep you've saved your orphans now let's see how legendary you really all right now we're gonna to slowly ramp up. Okay. This one is just legendary.

That's all I can say about it. Very Darwinian. I am not avoiding. I am actively running into a tornado. Oh, yeah. I am going Leroy Jenkins. Into a tornado? Right into an F5. And you're getting sent flying. Who knows? Yeah, you'll be like Superman for a while.

What? I mean, I might be impaled with debris while inside. That's true. You probably would be. We don't know because people aren't running into tornadoes. I don't think anybody ever has. We're science! As he runs in.

He's holding some sort of scientific gizmo in his hand. At least a GoPro. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll make it out. Running into a tornado. Spectacular. All right. I have two picks.

I am going to open this one up with a majestic, spectacular feat. Almost. Almost. Because that's the demise part. A motorcycle jump over the Grand Canyon. Almost. Almost. Because that's the demise part. A motorcycle jump over the Grand Canyon. Dude! I have been shot out of a cannon in the Grand Canyon. I have been shot out of a cannon in mine as well.

Oh, man. So I am evil-ceneveling this, but I don't quite make it. But this is broadcast everywhere. Oh, yeah. How did he die? Motorcycle jump over the grandstand. Let me show you. I've got the tape.

All right. You can see the exact moment where he knows it's going to happen. Yes. Yes. So my next pick is more difficult. But I'm going to go eaten by a great white shark. Oh, man. Okay. Doesn't happen by a great white shark. Oh, man. Okay.

Doesn't happen to a lot of people. And, man, that'll be a story. Man, you guys are killing my list. Not with exact picks. Close enough. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. He can't be, like, eaten by a mountain lion now or anything else.

He's eaten by an animal, and he picked great white. Yeah. It's a good pick. Yeah, one bite. All right. You're eaten by an animal, and he picked great white. Yeah. It's a good pick. Yeah, one bite. All right. You hope. I hope. I really hope.

All right. Now, I don't really want running into a tornado on my gravestone like this. No. I mean, people will be shocked. So far, you've run into a burning building. You've run into a tornado. Where are you running to next? Well, I'm in a fight guys uh-oh fighting a

bear yeah okay now put that on my tombstone now he lost a fight he's fighting a bear it is important that the people that live after you know that you were fighting the bear he didn't just maul you and kill you that's right that's right i was because i don't think those are very legendary i was not attacked i picked the fight you ran into the den that's right. I don't think those are very legendary. I was not attacked. You picked a fight. You ran into the den? So now you're running into the den. That's right. He's going. I gave her the old tap on the shoulder, the bear turns around, and then...

Did you have a samurai sword? No, no. They're fisticuffs. You can't go out with a sword. You gotta fight a bear with your hands. Jason, you are back for your final two picks. Okay. Alright. Let's see here. With the sword, you got to fight a bear with your hands. Jason, you are back for your final two picks. Okay. All right.

Let's see here. So far, you're eating yourself to death. And saving humanity by flying a rocket into an asteroid. Yeah. So I've really got a wide variety here of things that are noble or things that are ridiculous. And I'm going to stay a little bit more on brand. Ridiculous? And stay a little bit more ridiculous.

I am going to be the first person actually sawed in half by a magician. Did I take that off your list? Cut in half during a magic show was my number four pick. I was saving it for the end. Yeah, baby. That is unbelievable. How did you both come up with that? I don't know.

It's right there. I mean, the fact that we both had fallen to a volcano and cut in half by a magician. I thought we would have nothing in common. That was literally my go-to that no one would pick. I mean, that would just be such a good story. Wait, so he was fine, right? No. No, he's a bad magician.

Cut in half during a magic show well done okay that's a good one that is so good all right and and uh sticking on brand here i'll just i these aren't poll winners these are just who i am um eating myself to death and attempting to land a plane because I think we've established that I think I can do it. And so I'm going to I'm going to do my best to try and we'll see how it works out. My tombstone will say he was wrong. That's all it will say. He was wrong. All right.

All right, Mike. You have one pick left, and you look like a man who knows what it is. And is afraid to say it. I'm not proud of this. Oh, no. Oh, no. But it was legitimately the first thing. Oh, no.

It was the first thing you thought of? It was the first thing. It was legendary ways because it's legendary ways to go out, guys. Oh, no. Okay. It's a stick of dynamite in your butt. Oh. Oh.

What was the first thing you thought of? Boom doom. Boom doom indeed. Boom doom. It's the boom doom. It's the boom of doom. Boom doom indeed. Boom doom. That's the boom doom. That's the boom of doom. That's a stick of dynamite. If you imagine that on your tombstone.

Mike is very much enjoying. Oh my gosh. You went from the extreme of saving orphans to now a stick of dynamite. We were going to build up to it. Okay. That's a good hippopotamus. I'm everywhere. Yes, you are.

You are everywhere. Okay. All right. We've got to go. I got my final pick. So several options. You still have several options? I do too.

I have a few. I was running out. I had gotten to the point where I was, I don't know if I'm going to pick that, but you forced my hand. Man, I don't. I'm trying to decide which one to go with here. I'll buy you some time. You have Falling into a Volcano. Which one to go with here? And so far.

Okay. So I'll buy you some time. So you have falling into a volcano, motorcycle jump over most of the Grand Canyon. Yeah. Because I figure if you get over here, you're going to live eaten by a great white shark. How are you going to close up? I'm eaten by piranhas. Oh, you're eating by another animal. I'm eating by another animal.

Is this at the same time? I thought about trampled by a moose. Oh, okay. I thought about being kicked by a horse. But that doesn't seem legendary. No. And that happens. It's just painful.

Yeah. I thought about some poison stuff, but that sounds bad. Yeah. But not many people are poisoned anymore like that's a that's an ancient way of uh piranhas is like yeah but i'm cannonball here too i mean don't get me wrong well i'm hopping right into the middle and i'm gonna see how quick the amazon right into the it's not fast yeah i don't think it's like the the movies it is in my head. I hope for you it is. A great white, I think, is going to be pretty rapid.

Yeah. It's not instant, but. I still can't believe that you drafted my fourth pick cut in half during a magic show. Oh, is that? So you tilted. You didn't have your real fourth pick. No, I didn't. I mean, I have like sinking on the Titanic or something.

Oh. I thought that was a pretty, You know, they remember those people. Yeah, as a group. And then being buried alive. It just sounds scary. That's terrifying. What about a mudslide? Anybody for a mudslide?

I mean, that would not be very fun. I've got struck by lightning. Yeah. Because I was hoping maybe if I don't die, I assume I get superpowers. Yeah, it's the tradeoff. It's 50-50. Most people have died. Right, but I'm thinking I've got a lot of LBs, so maybe I could take it.

Maybe I could do the superpower. Mike, you got anything? The just left on my list was ejected into space. I had- But yours was already space-related. Yep. And then Andy took Great White. So, I mean, it's pretty different, but I thought about, like like what if you were swarmed by craps oh that's like a really bad case of them

yeah that would be a bad bad case of crabs just swallowed by a whale is another go-to too but have you have you seen the videos of i don't know the real maybe nobody's ever died by crab i know that's why this is legendary but have you seen the videos of i I don't know the real, maybe. Nobody's ever died by crab. I know. That's why this is legendary. But have you seen the videos of, maybe you just call it Crab Island, but where there's just like hundreds of thousands of these things. No. All make. Oh, you got to look.

The island, tell me, the actual geographic area of the island, that is shaped like a crab, right? Of course. I mean, it has to be. Thank goodness. You guys haven't seen this? You can't have Crab Island that That is shaped like a crab, right? Of course. I mean, it has to be. Thank goodness. You guys haven't seen this. You can't have a crab island that's not shaped like a crab. I've got noble ones like jump in front of a bullet for someone, jump on a grenade.

Yeah, I thought about like, you know. And then I got wood chipper. Fargo style? Oh, wood chipper's trouble. Just a banana peel into a wood chipper. Oops. You could go most morbid ways all of a sudden. All right.

All right, that'll do it. What did we learn today? Were you thinking calf injury maybe, Al? Oh, yeah. Did you have any that you thought of that we didn't think of? Nope. We covered them all. Yeah.

How about you, Brooksy? Nah, you got it. All right, we did it. We got them all. I learned that Ioksie no you got it all right we did it we got them all i learned that i should be using my ceiling fans that's what i learned yes yes they are valuable tools and that's why they're in there huh that is yeah the house the previous owner uh was like i should do what everyone does and have fans um i learned that how you name a child can affect what company they grow up to become CEO of. Oh, Robin Mahfoud. Robin Mahfoud. And I learned that Jason was shamed into changing his name completely.

I was, but it was self-shame. Yes, that's what I mean. Self-shame. From Randy to... Jason. Almost Randy Jackson, but Randy Jason. Thanks for tuning in, for listening. That was a fun one.

We'll catch you next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Howdy, howdy, howdy, everybody. It's the end of the show. But I still got something to tell you about. If you want to support this show, if you want to get early access to this show,

if you want to get an ad-free episode if you want to get an ad free episode of this show join the spit.com be a great human being and support this show at join the spit it will make you taller i like that