Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 16: Papa Skidmarks and Marital Mishaps - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 1, 2018

The Spitballers tell some of the funniest mistakes they have ever made with their wives throughout this episode. We learn so many things we didn't want to know about them. Learn something you definitely didn't want to know about one of their fathers as well as a way to very easily torture Mike. We also learn something we probably didn't ever want to know about one of their fathers. Finally, the guys have one of the closest contested drafts of all time: appetizers. You won't want to miss this funny episode!  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on, Spitwives? We're back again. Jason. What's going on? Spitwise. We're back again. It's a beautiful, wonderful Monday. Maybe. I mean, you could be listening at any time, anywhere. Really.

It could be dreary. You could be in a dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark place. You could just be really upset like me. You okay, Jason? No, I'm not okay. It could be in a dark, dark, dark, dark, dark place. You could just be really upset like me. You okay, Jason? No, I'm not okay. Could be a cloudy Thursday. Might not be a beautiful Monday. But either way, you're listening now, and we welcome you in, Andy, Mike, and Jason,

the Spitballers podcast. I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to... Like, this is a reprieve. Yeah, cathartic. Yeah. Cathartic. This is great. Although, there is one really bad part of of being here uh outside of being with you two um of course so we've got an appetizer

we've got an appetizers uh draft today on the show spoiler or uh, whichever one you look at. But we're going to draft it. That's the appetizer for it? Oh. Wow. He's a professional over here. Yeah, so I'm currently just kind of browsing the internet for appetizers. Hungry. That doesn't come halfway there. I am ready to eat this table.

I'm so hungry right now. And so this is going to be like a 10 minute episode i heard you bought a van i did we uh my family we got a van always fun the car dealerships are the worst the worst i mean old busted nonsense i car dealership how does how do we accept this how do we as a people it feels like allow it you know the movie the purge where one night you can yes no i get it where you can break all the rules let me i'll get there mike okay where all the rules are off and i feel like inside the bubble of a car dealership, all the rules of morality and ethics, finances, goodness, happiness, they all disintegrate. That's what I'm getting at, Mike.

You get swarmed on. You drive in. The bees are just the hive swarming around you. I literally, we went to several different dealerships, and we couldn't, not one, not one of those. Once we left, not one did we not have a person run to our vehicle as we're driving away. Literally multiple dealerships. Wow. Run to us and say, hold up, I'm the sales manager here. You know, and give me the whole spiel.

Is his name Chet? Of course it was. All of them. They're all named Chet. And then I know I have a problem with this. Andy, you are good at... Confrontation? At confrontation.

Well, like at being able to say no to things. I'm really, really bad. Maybe this is part of my weight problem. Saying no? I like to say yes. All right. I'm a yes man uh but like when that donut looks at me like that i just can't i'm sitting in the finance office you know get i got the van

and oh my goodness the warranty yeah oh yeah you weren't done oh no i the i had to say no 10 times and every time you say no it it's like, oh, I understand. But let me show you this. And then they wait for you. I mean, it's like, I don't want your warranty. Let me leave. I actually had an incredible experience one time. Because that's how it has always been forever.

Right? You show up. You are chum in the water for the greatest shark to come and eat you. My family was looking for a van. This was a few years ago. We pulled up to a dealership, normal dealership. We got out of the vehicle. We walked in.

We used the restrooms. We walked around. We walked back out. We left. No one said anything to us. They were all around us. It was like we had invisibility cloaks on wow it was like i had unlocked an achievement it was incredible yeah that that

would have been nice all right hey from time to time we love reading a review because your reviews for this show on apple podcasts wherever you're listening they help the show out we enjoy doing the show and your reviews help them out so we like to read them review asaurus rags this one comes in from six degrees b what i that's look i don't make the names uh this time it's five stars says the opposite of Caillou. The only way to describe this listening experience is to dub it as the exact opposite of Caillou in the respect that we, the body of listeners, the spit wads recognize that the podcast deserves hair, Mike's beard, food, Jason's hunger, appropriate, and love andy andy gets love he's he is the embodiment of love according to six degrees b that is very nice thank you so much you get hair i get hunger and it gets love that's not fair i appreciate the fact that we're considered the opposite of a small child that deserves no hair, food, or love.

Darn right. So thank you for that review. We really appreciate it. Today's show, like Jason said, we got a mock draft. Back again. This time, well, I mean, I took care of the last one. Handily. Surprisingly to you, our fast food mock draft, you got destroyed.

I got destroyed. Here's the thing. Usually when we leave a mock draft, we've got an idea of who's going to, you know, the condiments draft. We all knew I was going to take that down. I genuinely thought I was going to run away with it. And I've had several people, several, like more than, I don't know, more than 10 who have reached out to me on Twitter and said,

I can't believe you're not dominating this draft. So there's some of us that like it's. The spit wads are wise. Yeah. They saw through your shenanigans. They are discerning and ultimately they enjoy tasty foods. Just because something is the biggest, it does not always equal best. Yeah. Well, I mean i mean you to recap yet another

weight fallacy oh oh but subway mcdonald's get out of here get out of here with that no people don't want to say they like it but the truth is people no they don't this morning on the on the drive-in. It's just there. It was a commercial. It turned out to be for Subway. But the name of it was the Chipotle cheesesteak. And the whole commercial, it kept saying Chipotle had cheesesteak. So I thought Chipotle had added cheesesteak.

Why would they add cheesesteak to Chipotle? I don't know. It would be great, though. And then they had this. They're like, oh, we got this new bread. I'm like, oh, my gosh, Chipotle added some bread. And then I get to the end of the thing. They are rebranding. I was so excited to come tell Mike because, Mike, you're a Chipotle truther.

I love Chipotle. Love it. Which is what made it hard for me to draft him. Yeah. By the way, you can respond to the episodes. You can send us your ideas for segments for questions uh inside of each segment and you can do it all on twitter at spitballers pod the website spitballerspod.com and again thank you so much for supporting this show it is growing i did that that is true that's just factually accurate

i believe somehow thanks to the spit wads we got up to to number five in comedy podcasts. That was awesome. Pretty cool. Thank you. All right, time to move on. Would you rather. All right, our first would you rather question. Would you rather have braces forever. Man, I hated braces.

Or extremely bucked teeth. Jay, did you have braces? I had braces not once, not twice. What? But three different times. Thrice. Yes, and I did not have braces. They didn't take?

They certainly did not take. So, yeah, let me speak to the braces side of this, would you rather. I had braces for years. When did you first get them? First time was not until college. So I went through entire high school. I had gappy teeth, get to college, and I was a theater major. So you didn't get to endure the, like, I got braces, but everyone else around me, they've got braces.

So you don't stick out. Nothing made it okay. Nothing made it okay. I was a theater major. I'm like, after college, I need to get jobs acting, and I can't have gappy teeth, and I can't get braces then. So I bit the bullet, got braces. Wore them for years, got the retainer, went and house-sitted.

Is that how you say it? House-sat? House-sat? I don't know. I'm not sure, actually. I watched someone. You cared for a home. I cared for a home of a friend.

And that friend had a dog. You sat in their home. And that dog. Oh. Now, it's not my fault that dog went into my wife's purse at that time uh into the retainer container and ate my retainer it was not one week later that my teeth looked like they had never had brace years of One week, and my teeth went back. That happened two more times.

Not the dog eating it part, but I lose things. I'm very irresponsible. How did you not learn that you need to replace the retainer immediately? Yeah, that would have been the key there. After the retainer's lost, it's not like, oh, that's the only one that exists. I mean, I would be at my orthodontist's home, banging on the door at 3 in the morning, saying we have a teeth emergency. Yeah, so my orthodontist. It's called a teeth emergency.

It's a gappy teeth emergency. My orthodontist was in a different city. They were in Tucson. We live in the Phoenix area. That's two hours away, different city. So I didn't know what to do. Just impossible. Impossible.

What? Cars. Did you know there's more than one orthodontist in Arizona? I don't think we can go back and fix this. So based on the fact that you already have had braces forever or extremely. Now, when we talk extremely bucked, we're not trying to make light of like an ordinary mouth. We're saying these. You got two.

Nanny McPhee. Yeah. Yeah. Andy's looking at me like he has no idea who you're talking about. Google it. Google the old horse face. What's her name? Nanny McPhee.

Nanny McPhee. It's a movie about a horse face. What did you do? Why are you so mean? Well, I'm just saying she's got a horse face. I don't know how else to put it it's so rude it's not the nicest way to say it well i mean she doesn't look pleasant yeah isn't that the whole bit yes she's got two moles and one tooth i know i mean those look like those moles are the size of meatballs, too.

But the buck tooth that's sticking out, if we're going Nanny McPhee, the one tooth sticking out over the bottom lip. She's also got a unibrow. It's not going to hurt. It's not going to make your mouth bleed the way that braces can. It's true. It's not going to cut your lips up, cut your tongue. You can eat a cheeseburger. And guess what you don't have to do after eating a cheeseburger?

Remove half the cheeseburger from the front of your teeth. Well, the thing, though, if you're going to Andy McPhee is the teeth are on the outside when you close your mouth. When you got braces and you close your mouth, no one knows that there's something going on inside. So there's an appearance thing like job interviews. Well, I mean, I guess you got to open your mouth to talk. That is true, Andy. This did not occur to him. So what's your name?

I would prefer the, I guess the buck teeth. Man, that sucks. Have braces the rest of your life. Your lips would be calloused. Man, I have this. I got braces from this orthodontist. The orthodontist was great, but the nurses, or not the nurses, the dental hygienist. The assistants?

Specifically one of them. Oh. Unpleasant woman in every respect. And she would, it was like a routine because you got to go in and get them adjusted every week. She, every week, I swear, she planned it out. She would eat her lunch right before I'd get in. And she would smoke a couple cigarettes right before I got in. And so she'd be adjusting my teeth while she's still finishing off a few chews from whatever lunch she just had.

And she smelled like cigarettes. And I just remember. And she was vicious. Like, sometimes you can be gentle. She didn't give a rat's patootie about me. So you're going buck teeth. Yeah, I'm going buck teeth. I'm going to take the braces.

This is the last question I will ask about this. These are braces that they've already done their job? Yeah, I think so. You don't have to go in for your adjustments? That's crucial. Because then you're all sore. Because I remember a very specific moment of after a big adjustment and the teeth hurt so bad that I went and I was trying to eat pizza.

And I had to eat with my molars. So the side of the crust just kept rubbing over where your lips, on the corner of your lips. And it just sliced it open. As soon as you get one mouth wound, the braces attack that mouth wound forever. It's, oh, you can't keep that spot away. So you got that whole metal, like you've got a metal wire in there. And then that wire jabs you in the back of the mouth.

Now, what if, what if I go, what I, what I did the third time Invisalign. Are those considered braces? If I could go Invisalign, that would win. Well, yeah, because we would all be. Cool. We all get Invisalign. Sweet. What an easy and dumb question. Final answer. that would win well yeah because we would all be that would be cool we all get Invisalign sweet what an easy and dumb question final final answer uh I'm gonna take the I'll take the

braces yeah I'll take the braces because otherwise if you got the buck teeth people would always think why don't they just get braces because that'll make them smaller uh would you rather scream everything you say or whisper everything you say. Oh man I think there's an OK. This is I got I got I got to nip this in the butt immediately and this is this I believe this is like Jason sharing his spider spider take. I didn't know it had a name but apparently there's something called misophonia or misophonia i don't know if i'm pronouncing it right and it's people who are sensitive to sounds specifically things like chewing and whispering and there's this whole movement of people there's asmr yeah they're they're into it though yes they love it They love it. And it gives them joy.

It gives them good feelings inside. It brings physical pain to my body. Oh, to listen to whispers? To listen to, yes. That's why I'm saying, I know I'm like, this is Jason. I'm talking about spiders. Yes. But my wife knows about this.

Really? And she just, so she will intentionally do whispering. Makes you uncomfortable? Yeah. Oh, that's too bad. It's a feeling that you can't, I want my bones to jump out of my body. And on 23andMe, they test for that you're. Everything will be okay.

I've taken my pop filter. I'm going to remove my headphones and leave this I cannot deal with this but on 23andMe they actually checked for the trait and I've done it and I have higher than average odds of

having this sensitivity this sensitivity is it applied to all whispers coming to you but if if you whisper, you're fine? Yes, I can whisper. It's low-volume sounds. So this makes no impact to you whatsoever because this is you whispering. Now, that being said, I think we need to test something here because when you whisper, Mike,

you are usually just living life, right? But right now, people can't see. We have really nice headphones on and really nice microphones. And so what if you whisper while you're wearing headphones? Will that bother you? Let's figure this one out. I don't think it will. Let's find out.

What if I just whisper? Oh, it bugs the's figure this one out. I don't think it will. That's fine. But if I just whisper. No, it bugs the crap out of me. This is a problem. Yeah, because we do this for a living. I have to blow up my voice. I have to scream all the time. Wow. See, my kids sometimes, they're not always the best.

Oh, there's plenty of shouting in the Wright household. So whether it's a full-on yelling or a raising of your voice, my kids, they'll come to me, they'll be like, Dad, why do you have to raise your voice? Because you don't listen until I do. That's what I tell them. I had this heart-to-heart with my son the other day, and it was funny because I actually, in this specific conflict,

I didn't raise my voice I just was a little more stern at a normal volume I guess and he took that still perceived as yelling yeah he oh I've learned this now and he took great offense and we had to have a heart to heart in the room and he goes well why do you raise your voice I go because I said son I ask you to do something in a normal voice 11 times and you don't do it. So I can't imagine being a parent and having to whisper everything you said is my point. I think you can't parent. I think your kids will run like a Lord of the Flies, wild children because they will do nothing. Yeah, if I had a dollar for every time I've explained that, like I didn't.

I don't want to yell. I asked you 12 times without yelling. You didn't do it. But if all you can do is yell, now let's take this example. I guess you'd be a bad parent that way, too. No. You're going to have to have another level of yell because they will get used to the yelling.

You think they'll just become desensitized. Yeah, why do you always beat your chest while you yell? That bothers me. Well, I have to beat my be my chest otherwise you wouldn't listen son so beating your chest i guess that's really gonna get him motivated yeah he's hitting himself i'm my point is looking like mark walberg and fear well what do you add to your yelling then to get him to listen no it's it's the banging on the table oh that's you're getting violent mike hey you gotta go next level.

The belt's coming off. Oh, I'll be wearing like eight. Oh, look at him. I'll be wearing 16 belts so you can take the belt off. Yeah. They're like a holster full. Look, the only thing that happens if my belt comes off is my pants are falling down. That's how I punish my children.

children uh i am definitely i am definitely going with the whisper look there was a point when i was a child when my dad walking around in whitey tighties was a punishment yeah oh i guess that's all i'm saying yeah i guess when you just talked did he bleach him the white he should have he should have oh no my dad's on blast for no reason whatsoever i'm sorry papa skid marks is that was papa skid marks fantastic oh congratulations uh poor father. Okay, scream or whisper? What do you say? I have to scream. I don't have a choice.

I have to whisper. Mike has given me no choice. We aren't friends anymore. Oh, my goodness. I love you, Mike. Time for the next segment. That's a great question. All right. This is a great question.

What was the biggest mistake you made in your first year of marriage? Now, just for the record. Getting married. How long have you been married, Mike? 11, 12 years. I don't know, one of those. I am in your boat where I don't remember if it's 11 or 12. It's 12, 12 years.

And I got you beat. Yeah, so then I'm at 12. I'm rocking 13 years. Congratulations. Thank you. And I got to be. Yeah, so then I'm at 12. I'm rocking 13 years. Congratulations. Thank you. First year of marriage. Everybody always, you know. Yeah. You make some mistakes.

You always think it's perfect and fine. I remember mine. And then you do? Yeah. I remember mine too. So there's a game. There's a video game. It's called World of Warcraft.

And it takes a lot of time and and uh effort to play this game and there's these activities in the game they are called raids yes and a raid is a i mean it takes a lot of coordination because you you are getting 40 people together to play this video game and once you commit you're talking this is ours and i thought you commit you cannot quit this is true and i thought i could definitely be like the wife can handle me being still involved in this high-end rating group on world of warcraft no no that had to get nipped in the butt i had to remove that did you to my life did you go quietly into that good night or did you did you have to be

i prodded away from your rating group because that's a tough thing i tried to i tried to hold on to it be like no it's not that big of a deal i'll just i'll see you like on thursday because i got we're starting a raid. It's Monday. That means by Thursday night, we're good to go. When did you decide that you'd give it up? I think I did three of them. And then the rage was too intense?

No, it wasn't rage, but it was clear that this had to be removed. It was either your raiding group or your marriage. Yeah. It's funny. My answer could have easily been video games because that yeah similar experience where my wife she had moved to arizona she didn't have a lot of friends yet and i was her best friend and i thought i could play video games and things like that and uh no i couldn't it didn't work well it didn't work well but what i'm gonna say my biggest mistake was is the most benign thing you see when you get married you think you know everything about your spouse and you don't you know nothing you know nothing john

snow in fact someone told me that before i got married they said uh i've been married seven years this person had been married seven years ago i know things about my wife i had no idea about i learned so much more you'll you'll be the same i already know you're an idiot i already know everything that's what i said um but i found out this so we i'd went out and picked up some subway for my wife mistake number one sure but i think we can all agree the subway cookie's pretty darn good oh certainly oh certainly. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, you don't even know where it's going. So I pick up Subway and some cookies. Okay.

I thought it was going that you picked up Subway and a cookie. No. I picked up a cookie for both of us. Okay. We're sitting down. Good start. It's a normal day. We've eaten our sandwiches.

It's time to move on to the cookies. She gets up to get a drink. I think no big deal. I'm going to be Captain Funny Pants here. much is it's time to move on to the cookies she gets up to get a drink i think no big deal i'm gonna be captain funny pants here i'm gonna stick my finger right in the middle of her cookie oh and just put it right through the middle it's just a healthy goof just a healthy goof she lost her poop oh she lost her mind there was some deserved. You know how you had your whisper thing? Yeah. Apparently somewhere in the recesses of her brain was the horror of the germs that could permeate the entire delicious cookie by me poking my finger through that hole. In fairness.

It was the germs that was the problem? Yeah. It was disturbing the cookie. What if you're eating a soup and I come up and I stick my finger in it? But I figure she can eat around the hole that I'd put in the cookie what if you're eating a soup and i come and put your finger in it but i figure she can eat around the hole that i'd put in the cookie but apparently this had ruined the entire cookie and you both are aghast so apparently i've committed a sin i didn't know about i look i i think i i get it mine now this one makes sense i did that once to somebody else ate their whole pizza at lunch in high school they got up i ate all the pepperonis off the whole pizza and then just put

the top back on oh like it was in a box yeah it was in a box they got up for a drink i ate all the pepperonis off put the box down how did that go i had to buy him a new pizza yeah was not happy all right move on that's funny so mine has to do with food as well i learned this very early with my wife now she is a wonderful cook like she it's really true she makes uh great everything and we're in the first year of marriage and the first time ever well this is pretty early I think maybe we're in our first month or two and and you know madly in love everything's happy we're we're a wonderfully happy couple. And we met in a comedy improv group. So we just give each other crap all the time about everything. I complained about a meal. Not good? What was the meal? I don't remember the meal. I remember that I actually liked it, but I said something negative,

and I don't remember what I said, and my wife said nothing in response. Nothing. She quietly walked over, grabbed my plate, took it to the garbage can, and dumped it in. She just dumped all my food in the garbage can. It was awesome. She gave me the business. And since that time, that's what happens if you complain about food.

It goes in the garbage. That's like a move I would do to my kids. Yes, it was fantastic. You don't want it? Fine. She said nothing. Yeah, she just walked over. Oh, okay.

Here you go. Don't worry about it. How severe? Let's transition that because those are all funny. When it comes to your wife cooking food, how far can you go on the criticism? Oh, I'll give her the business. I will criticize everything. But genuinely now, this is true in our household.

If I don't like something about the food, I'm going to say something, but I pick my plate up and I run away first. Say something. You see something? I have to run away from her if I complain about the food. With my plate. Oh, yeah, because I'm not. So you say, this is a little salty, and then you run upstairs with your plate?

No, I start running upstairs and I say, this is a little too salty. I get a head start because I know she's coming. And she'll chase me down and she'll throw that food away. No, it's wonderful. That is really funny. Yeah. If you have the choice of saying something or not saying something, not saying something is always better.

Yeah. You won tickets to a major sporting event. your wife wants to go but doesn't care about the sport at all but your best friend is a die-hard sports fan who do you take speaking of the wife yeah this is all marital related great questions so this is tough so let's let's just put uh let's put a game to this. You got Super Bowl tickets. That means you're going to another state. Oh, my goodness. That's it, right?

You got Super Bowl tickets in another state. You got to go. Your best friend loves football. Your wife, you know, doesn't know what a first down is. What do you do? Oh, my goodness. Mike is looking at it with intense. According to this question, wants to go yes yeah she wants to go yeah she wants in and you got super bowl tickets this is an easy answer she's going the wife is going yeah get

out of here she's not going with me oh oh am i going. You two friends should be happy. Look, happy wife, happy life. And here's what I know. She's not going to be happy there. She's going to look. She ain't going to be happy when you leave her at home. I'll take the kids and put them somewhere else and say, you get a you get a stay at home vacation. You get a stay at home vacation while I'm over here.

The kids will be fine at that boarding school. Here's an experience I just had. You get a stay-at-home vacation. You get a stay-at-home vacation while I'm over here. The kids will be fine at that boarding school. Here's an experience I just had. This week, you two fellas were with me. I was? Yeah, we went to a baseball game. I went to my very first baseball game. Very first baseball game ever.

Ever. Next week, he's going to hit his first movie at the theater um and so no but to be fair about the baseball game you didn't want to be there that is true that is true i didn't i mean no one in that stadium wanted to be there oh stop it baseball's wonderful baseball is awful it's a sport it is a sport definitely a. Technically. Here's the thing. I don't understand why people like baseball. I did want to be there. I was my wife here because I did want to go. Didn't you body soccer on the last show and now you're bodying baseball?

I'm a one sport type of man. It's football. You like basketball. That's true. I do love basketball. Yeah, I mean, so when I went, I fell asleep at the event. We had great tickets. We got down to the field. The Arizona Diamondbacks took care of us, pampered us.

Thank you, Diamondbacks. You guys are lovely. They even had a walk-off home run victory in that game. We weren't there for it because we left a little bit early. You had to take the kids to bed. Yeah, exactly. It was for the kids. It was for the kids.

But I did not, mean i wanted to i went in there really wanted to have more fun with your wife there yeah anything would have been more fun uh andy's so sad right now because andy loves baseball and he how much how happy would you be if i started to like really get into baseball and like it and follow Diamondbacks with you and high five and care about Randy Johnson. I don't know. It'd be nice. It'd be better than me disparaging it. It'd be nice if you had that capacity.

Yeah. But not everybody's been dealt the same acumen. I need more action. Yeah. You didn't grow up playing it. You didn't grow up watching it. I don't think ADD. you know none of the players yeah you've never been to a game i don't i'm not surprised you didn't enjoy it if you're an add adhd type of fella or woman like i am i don't think baseball's for you like i need more happening for my eyeballs at all times yeah maybe you change

maybe just change your life i ain't ever grown up. I'm a Toys R Us kid. So you're not bringing your wife? No. She's doing whatever she wants. But she wants to be at the game, Jason. Well, then she's not doing whatever she wants. I'm going to the Super Bowl with my friend who loves it. I'm taking my papa.

It kind of could be argued that it's a waste. A Super Bowl ticket could be multiple thousands of dollars. Is it wasted on someone who doesn't enjoy the sport? Yes. Nope. He'll be single for years to come and be able to take anyone he wants.

This question comes in from at FFB Nick. If you could go back in time to change one thing. Wow, this is getting all deep. If you could go back in time to change one thing. Wow, this is getting all deep. Yeah. If you could go back in time to change one thing in the past 10 years, what would it be? Poverty in the world. I'd just solve it all. I'd fix it.

Wait, so going back 10 years allows you to have magic? Just because you go back 10 years, like, oh, I've been to the future. Now I can end poverty. Yes. What would your... So tell me, you get back there 10 years ago. I would feed everyone. Oh, I would start that today.

I would, see, no, I think it'd be 10 years too late. That's, yeah, that's one of the things where it's like, the last 10 years, this is, you know, look, I can't change the marriage. That was 13 years ago. Wait, if you could, you would? No. My wife would now that I left her at home. I'm going to be in trouble Monday.

When she listens to this, the keys have been changed. She's going to walk over to your food before you say anything. Did you say the keys have been changed? I did, and I stand by it. All the keys got in your pocket? She got in my pocket and changed my pocket change the keys i stand by all his keys don't work anywhere that's the reverse of changing the locks you just change the person's keys which is which is ironic because i mean it would work just the same yeah i guess i guess it would oh gee whiz i can't get into this house anymore why is my car not starting uh yeah so if you have something that jumps out that

you would do what it's very selfish really of course of course fashion related i would change a lot about what you've done the last 10 years i would i would buy so much bitcoin oh mercy that's funny back when bitcoin was what like 20 cents a pop or whatever wow and then i'd be living i would be retired you know what you're doing this show no no you're darn right i would not it's funny because i i remember sitting at a computer the day google went public on the stock market right and i wanted to buy a bunch of Google, and I didn't. So that's a pretty interesting take. Yeah, it's selfish.

And he's trying to end poverty. And I'm like, I would be incredibly wealthy. Yeah. I mean, that's what we all go to. And then, of course, I would fix the whole problem. Is there any monumental mistake you made, though, that you'd be like, man, if I just, like the butterfly effect boy if i just done that one thing differently maybe i have i have a happy life i'm happy i'm very fortunate

i don't i don't want anything to be different yeah see i i think i go so we're i regret small decisions that are dumb we are fantasy football analysts for a living by trade for a living on the Fantasy Footballers podcast. And, man, I just can't imagine how great, how incredibly accurate I would be every single week just knowing who's good, who's not. Oh, my NFL draft rankings. You don't get to know the future. That's not part of the equation. Yes, it is.

If you could change one thing in the in the past 10 years i would think that you know if it would he would change the fact that he doesn't know the outcome right okay that's what i did what i would change is the thing i've ever heard is not knowing that you're right mike how about you skip the second and third time you got braces oh yeah is that. Is that 10 years? Within 10 years? Yes, that is. I was an adult braces guy.

All right. Let's move on. The Spitballers Draft. Now, explain it, Jason. What are we doing today? We're going to do a draft here. We're going to draft our favorite appetizers. This is a wild one.

Go in order. I mean, look, this is – I was pissed that – That I have the first pick? Well, a little bit. I don't know what the runaway appetizer is. There's a 101. There's a 101 and there's a 102. There's two top picks.

No, I disagree. Okay. Well, I guess I'll find out. I'm third pick. But last week we did something related to food. Yeah. And I lost in the polls. And this is not something that is normal.

I mean, I'm kind of the food guy. I'm the foodie. So, yeah, appetizers are what we're going to do. We each pick one. We'll go four rounds, have a team of four appetizers, and then you can go to Twitter at SpitballersPod and vote. The poll will be up tomorrow on Tuesday. Be up for a week.

This is going to be interesting. Mike, you're up first. All right, so I'm on the clock. I'm taking wings. Yeah, that's the one. I mean, absolutely. It's not just the clear pick, but it's also

my favorite. I love buffalo wings. I'm on, I do the keto diet and the fact that I can eat buffalo wings makes me be able to sustain this diet. Oh, certainly. I mean, I've joined you on keto again after I quit, and it's wonderful. Wings are so important to my life.

So good. To your life. Yes. Now, here's the thing. Wings I get as a meal all the time. That's like, I'll go to a restaurant and just order wonderful wings. But I get it as an appetizer too. Very frequently.

You know, you'll get the salad. I get wings as an appetizer to my wings meal. Oh, upgrade. So, yeah. I mean, that is. I said that there's two top picks. Wings would have been my first. but I'm going with mozzarella sticks. That's my number two as well.

Of course. That's what I'm saying. There are two. You are both right. Those are the two that are in my mind. I thought cheese sticks would fall to me. No, I mean, you got to – they're just too perfect. If I were to say that I have no remotely close idea as to what I want to pick now –

We got four rounds of this. I'm super happy because I have one that I really want. Oh, I've got a lot of them. No remotely close idea as to what I want to pick now. We got four rounds of this. But I'm super happy because I have one that I really want. Oh, I've got a lot of them. And the honest, I might like mozzarella sticks more than wings. I love mozzarella sticks, but the power pick is the wings, so I had to take it. Yeah, I don't blame you there.

I'm going to go chips and guac. That's a great pick. I'm going chips and guac with my first pick. I adore guacamole. Yeah. No, I mean, it's wonderful. It's strong. It's not what I was hoping.

And to all you kids out there listening, because this is a family show. You have parents listening in the car, and you're like, I hate guacamole. Listen to this. You're wrong. First of all, grow up. Second, I hated guacamole. Listen to this. You're wrong. First of all, grow up. Second, I hated guacamole. I mean, I hated it. It was one of those foods like, you know, you don't like certain things.

That was one that I couldn't even comprehend how people liked. And every six months or every year, someone would have some, oh, no, this is my homemade guacamole. It's so good. You've got to try it. And I'd try it, and I would be like, this is – You've got to try my guacamole, Jason so good you gotta try it and i'd try it and i would be like this is i'm eating you gotta try my guacamole i'm eating your boogers this is disgusting eat my guac and then eventually

eventually um and and actually i remember exactly the guacamole was it was the guacamole at Chipotle. It was so good. And from that point on, and I was 24 years old, I think, when I first started liking guac. It's like my favorite food. I remember the day. It's in my diary. Today I discovered. October 2nd. Where were you when you found guacamole?

Mike, you're up. Sliders. You know, you're going with the meal appetizers.'re going with the meal i thought about it i thought about it i did it's still an appetizer but somehow i have wings and cheese you got chicken sliders yeah it's sliders yeah i was trying to ruin your burgers no i get burgers chicken pork thank you for making the pic seem even better dang Dang it, man. Yeah, no. But cheese sticks are outstanding. Yes, they are. But sliders and wings, I'm happy with this beginning.

You know, I probably would have gone sliders because you had chicken wings. I want one of those meal-petizers, you know, where you can order this as a meal when you're just getting something off the appetizer menu, and you've got two of those. But that might weigh you down in the poll that might be too like i don't know literally i don't know if these are appetizers you know sometimes you get those anti-votes uh people saying you gotta take a stance got it right this thing's not for you so man there's a lot of different ways to go here there's uh there's so

many different dips there are rather appetizing things things I love that won't win in the polls. Now, I know what I want to pick here. I'm going to put a little star by it, but I think it will get back to me. And it's probably my favorite appetizer in the world. So I'm going to play the risk game. Okay. But I'm going to go with one that I love and everyone loves. So this is a power pick.

Nachos. Yeah. Great pick. If you think to yourself, I don't and everyone loves. So this is a power pick. Nachos. Yeah, great pick. If you think to yourself, I don't like nachos, turn this podcast off and go away. I wanted to know if I was allowed to include that with the chips and guac. No, chips and guac and nachos are very different. Very different. I mean, nachos implies that there's chips and there's melted cheese on it.

Oh, I got guac on my nachos. Yeah, you probably do. Not today you don't. Not today. You can have everything else, but you cannot have. It'll just say nachos and people know. You get nachos how you want them. You want meat on that, you get meat on that.

You just want cheese? That's okay. That's okay. That's a good base. I'm going to add to my chips and guac. I'm going to go garlic bread. Oh, man. All right. That's nice. I've got a list here of things I wrote down. That wasn my chips and guac. I'm going to go garlic bread. Oh, man. All right.

That's nice. I've got a list here of things I wrote down. That wasn't even in my list. It's not on my list, and it's great. Here's the thing. If one of you, with the amount of awesome appetizers that exist, if one of you somehow surprises me and says something that's not absolutely making me even more hungry, shame on you.

Yeah. Yeah yeah i've got one i hope gets around to me but mike has wings and sliders and his third pick is i don't know how how popular this one is in this room so i'm interested to hear the the feedback when i take it i'm taking cheese covered raisins how did you know i'm gonna take artichoke dip oh yeah i get it it's on my short list okay i mean i'm a i'm a we all have we all have a chip related uh appetizer i'm a huge fan of dip i know that i'm gonna have to pick a dip here soon because you got the chips and guac and to andy and you've got the artichoke dip which is look i look, I. It's a standard. I mean, it's on everyone and sometimes they're really good.

I love it. Like, there's nothing worse than the wilted sack that is spinach. And most of the time it's like a spinach and artichoke dip. Which is so good. Yeah, that's what you mean though, right? You don't mean just artichoke dip. You mean spinach artichoke dip. Yes.

Yeah, I mean, sometimes it comes with it. But you better put melted cheese and vegetable. And you know what, right? You don't mean just artichoke dip. You mean spinach artichoke dip. Yes. Yeah, I mean sometimes it comes with it. But you better put melted cheese and vegetable. And you know what, Jason? I don't know if you've done this. Just take the veggie out? Yeah, I love cheese dip. No, no. You get the artichoke dip, but then instead of the bread,

because you can't keto, say, do you guys have any broccoli? And then you go broccoli right into the cheese dip, and it's fantastic. Okay. Mike, i'm not going to you're welcome i'm not going to whisper for at least 24 hours out of love and respect for that tip um am i up yet you are all right man i it got back to me i'm gonna take it it's my favorite appetizer out there in the world and it's delicious not everybody's gonna like it i've talked about my love for onions oh i know what you're doing awesome oh the i mean the awesome onion blossom it is so good you're talking about like that's a polarizing the blooming onion

yeah the blooming onion i mean i think it started at outback restaurants it's everywhere now everyone's got a a blooming onion and onion blossom so delicious. It was on my short list. I mean, even if you don't like onions, I know people who don't like onions would be like, oh, yeah, I'll eat that. It always comes with the kind of spicy, ranchy dip. All right, so you got the onion? I got the Bloomin' Onion. Look, I am going to-

I know what I'm going to try to take next. I want to remind people, an appetizer doesn't mean you're getting it at Applebee's. It means anywhere, including the home, including deviled eggs. Oh, that's on my list. Nice. And I'm taking deviled eggs because there ain't nothing better than a delicious deviled egg. Now, you can't get them very many restaurants as an appetizer, but when you can, they're incredible. And there's a true story.

Every major holiday, that appetizer is the bomb. The three of us, for the fantasy footballers, we have to take a few trips every single year. Yes. And every trip that we take, there is a restaurant at Sky Harbor that we end up at that somehow has deviled eggs as an appetizer. It's one of the things I look forward to the most on our trips. at Sky Harbor that we end up at that somehow has deviled eggs as an appetizer. It's one of the things I look forward to the most on our trip.

I'm like, oh, we're going to go to the deviled egg place. Can we get to the airport a little early today? I have a rule that is part of my constitution as who I am. If a restaurant has deviled eggs on the menu, you order them. It's a done deal. Because if they're on there, they've got to be no restaurant's gonna be like i guess we're gonna put deviled eggs on because this is a polarizing pick this is the thing i love and i'm willing to admit here on the show i love deviled eggs they are one of my absolute favorites but i wouldn't

have picked it because a lot of people they don't want, they don't want the egg burps, you know? This is true. I'm not sure how I overlooked this so long, but I'm glad that I'm coming in with a home run. I'm cleaning up with my fourth pick. It's good old-fashioned cheese fries, man. Oh, yeah. Nachos, but replace the chips with french but cheese and bacon on smothered all over fries i mean it's delicious cheese fries you're speaking

you talked about outback and that brought it to mind i went holy crap the best appetizer like cheesy potato wedges type yeah yeah yeah yeah the best appetizer at outback is the cheese fries. I'll allow it, and I'll eat it. Yes, we're allowing things today. Oh, great. Well, no, you said I'll allow it, and I think that's good, because if you get in the way of picks, if you say, oh, that's not allowed, then you're just a jerk. You're a stupid idiot. Here's the thing.

Is it an appetizer? Yes. Let's find out. It's on almost every appetizer menu okay then we will allow it but we will also vote yes vote oh my gosh there's only three of us look you've ordered it before i've ordered it before it's an appetizer so it should count i'm getting and and we'll just call it we'll just call it two words okay and it means whatever it means to you okay the sampler okay the sampler you want the mix of something of appetizers you get the sampler i get more

appetizers it's like wishing for more wishes oh we got one we got one no vote i know we don't get to take all our appetizers and put them onto one plate? No. I lodge my vote as a yes, Mike. Mike, it comes down to you. I feel like you've hoodwinked the system. I don't know how to vote against this. Oh, I love it.

That sounds like a yes. Did I really get it? I mean, I want to vote against it, but. It's not an appetizer. A specific appetizer. But when you say the sampler, you know exactly. You get all of them. Exactly. But that's what I'm saying.

You can say, oh, the appetizer sampler. And all three of us know. You're destroying the integrity of this entire vote, Mike. All three of us know exactly what is in it. That means it's a valid item. All right. How about Andy and I Rochambeau? Oh, sure.

Two out of three. It's great audio. Yes, this is the best. I can do a play-by-play. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Andy has lost the first match. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Tied at rock. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Andy has lost.

I never changed from rock. Jason went with the rock formation. It's an excellent strategy. Thank you. I also drafted the rock in the superhero draft. You also just drafted a sampler. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Hey, I'll remind our listeners.

Could be bad stuff on the sampler that you don't like. It's also very expensive. There can be bad stuff, and you only get like two of each. That's always my issue with the sampler, if I'm being honest. If I want the wings, and I want the... It's a big, big issue. I would vote against this. And you always get... Here's the truth. I want the biggest I would vote against this and you always

get here's the truth I'm talking against my own pick now that I know I've won the draft um you always get two of the things you absolutely love and it comes with like the throw the throw in garbage appetizers it's like can I sub this for you know it's like I want the wings I want the mozzarella sticks I don't really want this and so you get this sampler and it comes with not enough mozzarella sticks, not enough wings, but I'm still going to win the draft. My final pick is hummus and pita bread. Oh,

okay. Look, I can tell you very truthfully. I, that was my pick. If you guys got in the way, cause I needed a dip and I love me some hummus, some good garlic hummus. Mike has wings, sliders, spinach, art needed a dip and I love me some hummus. Some good garlic hummus.

Mike has wings, sliders, spinach artichoke dip, and cheese fries. Jason has, what is that? Mozzarella sticks, nachos, a blooming onion, and the sampler. The blooming onion is your downfall. I have chips and guac, garlic bread, deviled eggs, and pita and hummus.

I feel like there are big fans of my individual items. I'm curious to see what happens. Yes, I'm very interested to know what your vote ends up at. Yeah, this is a very interesting vote. You could get 40%. You could get 4%. I have no idea. Totally.

And I will say this is one of the closest seeming drafts we've ever had because wings and sliders are powerhouse up top. Andy has the much more like people who love deviled eggs are coming or garlic bread or garlic bread or hummus. I mean, hummus truthers out there. We call it yummus. Yummy. Yummest. Yes. What did you guys learn today? I learned that I will never, ever say something negative about anything your wife ever cooks, Jason. Because I want to eat my dinner. I learned that Andy's father is henceforth known as Captain Skids. Papa Skids. Papa Skid Marks. I'm so sorry, Mr. Holloway.

So bad. And I learned that in the mock draft, I get to draft all of them. It is a little bit of a cheating. Thanks for listening. We appreciate your ears. Tell your friends and family because when you argue about this stuff with your friends and family, it's more fun. We'll see you next time. Goodbye.

Don't eat too many deviled eggs. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Don't eat too many deviled eggs. There's a limit. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.