Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 160: Splashback Situations & The Best Sitcom Characters - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

On today’s show, we talk about brownie eating habits, dying on a magic carpet ride, squeegeeing food off the floor, and some passionate trash can takes. We also dish out some life advice that is sure to help listeners around the world navigate tough situations. We close it down with a draft of the best sitcom characters. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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A $13 value for all just three bucks. There's never been a better time to try Harry's. Go to harrys.com slash spitballers to redeem your offer today. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Scooby-dooby-doo, there's a pickle in my shoe. Bananas. Oh, man.

Oh. I'm really torn on this one because it was actually not bad, but it was too cringey. It was like I am uncomfortable right now without cringy. We got two food references. And a Scooby-Doo was in there. All right. So, hey.

Your catchphrase. Welcome to the Spitballers podcast, everybody. Yeah, welcome in. Andy, your catchphrase on this show is bedingy yeah it's it's my catch so you simply modified bedingy into banana yes when i go food i wanted to end with something a little bit different uh-huh so uh there's a pickle in your shoe there's a pickle in your shoe. There's a pickle in your shoe. Bananas. It was plural. Oh, multiple bananas. It's bananas.

Now, was bananas like the exclamation of, oh, I cannot believe that there's pickles in my shoes. Bananas. Like if you were walking around and you found a pickle in your shoe, you'd go, this is bananas. Okay. Okay. It made perfect sense. I'm with it. Just like this show always does.

I liked it. Now, we are on episode 160 of the Spitballers podcast. Oh, we're five away! 165 is the return of the owl, as we're calling it. And so we will have a scat

likely superior to the one I just performed. Brought by a very sweaty, nervous Al Borland in five shows. Would you rather life advice? And we are drafting the best sitcom characters on today's episode of the show. Want to thank everybody out there that's supporting the Spitballers podcast. You can do that on Spitballers pod dot com.

All of our patrons. Thank you so much for keeping the show going. ballers pod.com all of our patrons thank you so much for keeping the show going uh we are excited to be bringing you not only the new episode every single week but the spit hits every thursday that's been a lot of fun been by popular demand yeah so we've got a couple of uh entertaining episodes a week for you and we are very thankful for all of the reviews that i've been reading people enjoying i like it when people listen to the show and then they have to go hide so that they can laugh those are the situations i enjoy the most where they're in a place where they don't feel comfortable laughing at the show at full volume so then they have to go hide and laugh which makes you creepier

do not you're a weirder person don't hide in the bathroom like run in there and laugh yeah like if you are without checking this if you're in an office building and and i walk and someone's just cackling up a storm in one of the stalls right that's a situation so be careful of that yeah it's one of the warnings that we've been required to put on the podcast. You guys want to share the joy, man. Yeah. Tell your friends. Tell your family.

Listen in the car. Listen with your friends. Listen with your family. Bananas. Bananas. Let's get this going. Would you rather. This makes for what it's worth. this is the 160th consecutive time I don't know what's going to happen on this show.

Oh, all right. Feels like that's going to work. Joel Bull Barbecue from Patreon writes in, says, when eating a brownie, would you rather have an edge piece or a middle piece? This is a great would you rather have an edge piece or a middle piece? This is a great would you rather as this is a question that stands the test of time. You have actual brownie pans, not plates. I don't know if you guys have seen this.

The demand has been high enough to where they make a pan. Exactly, where it's all edges. It looks like a maze so that you can have an edge on every single slice of brownie. Which I think is a really cool idea. It is if you're a psychopath that would pick the edge over the ooey gooey middle. What are you doing with your life? I don't. The edge.

I think there are merits to both right you get the center you get the gooey and i get that but you can only have so much gooey genuinely like look what are you talking about look at me yeah look at me i eat a lot of gooey it's a lot of gooey but the the truth is even i can't do like like i feel like what no no no you can't do we too much gooey if you gave me a normal like not the maze but just a normal pan filled with brownie brownies you said i have to eat half here's how you get to eat it eat the entire outside the entire ring or the entire inner there's no way i could do the inner but that outside you can keep going with that little bit harder oh yeah let me be clear everything's jason is trying to convey is so

spot on to how i feel about brownies or even i mean you could take this to like a large cookie as well cookie is a completely different dessert different rules rules. It's a different shape, that's for sure. Yes. Yeah, exactly. But you can't fit a square brownie into a circle cookie. No, that's one of the classic idioms of all time. But Jason's right. When you are going to indulge, you can't have a thousand bites of gooey. But that's why I would like to try the pan, the brownie pan situation that's here. You'd like to eat a whole pan?

Right. This is why I like to eat a pan. We can test this out right now. So wait, Mike, if you could have, it doesn't change for you if it's like, if it's one bite of brownie, I'd take the goo. One giant bite, I'm taking the gooey part. How do you eat a brownie? Let's say you have an edge piece of brownie.

With my mouth. Thank you. That's good. You have a piece of brownie. With my mouth. Thank you. That's good. You have a piece of brownie that's got one edge. I eat the gooey first. Really? You save the crispy and crunchy for the end? You eat the outside and then you go in?

Of course, because you save the best for last. You eat the outside first because it's on the outside. This is simple. Well, it's on the outside simply because of how you- How are you going to eat the middle first because it's on the outside. This is simple. Well, it's on the outside simply because of how you eat it. How are you going to eat the middle first? It's impossible. I'm talking about a piece of brownie, James. No, we're talking about the front or the back of a square of brownie.

You don't pump a hole through the middle and eat the inside. That's what I'm saying. You don't just go right for the middle. That's a psychopath. But, Mike, you don't trim the outside of your big cookie, do you? Like take nibbles around the whole outside to save the inner? Oh, what? I have done that almost. Absolutely you do.

I do that all the time. Yes. If it's a good cookie where the outside's a little crispy, the inside's a little doughy, I work my way around it. My grandpappy always said you eat the cookie you're dealt straight up, straight through. Yeah, but it's your – choose your own adventure when it's your own cookie. When it's the bottom of the ninth and there's two outs you don't want a single you want a grand slam home run and you want the gooey

metal to finish it off okay but let me just play devil's advocate here the best you you are with your i am the devil your edges what i'm saying is isn't the best bites of the cookie actually the first few bites when you're hungry for cookie because of the satisfaction of that first cookie bite. Wouldn't you want that to be the best bite as opposed to maybe the cookie's so big, oh, I got to finish this cookie. You're a little full. It's not as delicious at the end.

But a cookie, you can't. It's scientifically proven that the middle of the cookie is the best part, and you can't hole punch out the middle of a cookie and start with that. Man, the corners of a square pizza i'm gonna tell you right now what i'm gonna tell you right now all i can think about right now are the little baby triangle corners of the ones that like have 25 of the slice has actual cheese and sauce on it i'm talking the thin crust i know what you're talking about but But you mean the corners? Oh, the corners are the best. They're little bite-sized.

You make it like a stop sign, a little stop sign of pizza? I want them to just sell the little corners in a bag, and I'll just eat them like chips. Mike, here's the question I have for you. You go to a party. They're setting out pre-cut pieces of brownie on a table. Which side are they facing towards the crowd? Are they facing the back side with the crust,

or are they facing the gooey side towards you? I believe that you're going to get a random assortment. Oh, you are not. They're going to put the goo side towards you. The goo side would clearly be towards you. I mean, it's just. That's how you serve a brownie. They don't serve it backwards.

There's simple etiquette in life. Certain things that are... How do they serve your pie, Mike? Crust side front? Would you like an orange juice with this cookie? There is no level of OCD out there that the person who is managing the party is going to cut up the brownie, pull it out of the pan, and set it up so that they're all angled exactly the same way.

When you go to a fine dining restaurant and they set your edge piece right in front of you where's the back of it facing away from me that's right it is so yeah because they're hiding it so the final answer here hold on but okay when they said done a piece of pizza the crust is in the back i'm just saying they expect you to eat the goo first. That's all I'm saying. They're presenting the best part of it to you. Then it's up to you. You eat your pizza crust first? No.

No one does that. My son does that. No. I'm so sorry. He's the kid from the Pizza Hut commercial. Straight up the kid from the Pizza Hut commercial. He just always eats crust first. Cool sunglasses, backwards hat.

Darn right. You're a walking, talking food hypocrisy machine right now, Mike. You don't save the best pizza part for the last? No, because that's food. That's the appetizer. Wait a minute. You're not saying the crust is the best part of a pizza. No, I'm saying

he's saying that the edge of a brownie is not the best part, but he eats it first. Because the gooey part of the brownie is the dessert, and the dessert goes at the end of the dinner. So you have to eat the meal? So it is the final part of the experience. Best for last. Okay, at least you have some delusional logic to it.

Outside's better. All right. Tessa from Twitter. Would you rather sweat milk or sneeze glitter? Oh, one of these is a party. One of these is a party, and one of these is a party one of these is a party and one of these is a nightmare okay there's some let me tell you something about when i sweat i am hot i don't sweat when i'm freezing cold gonna have some nice chilled milk rolling down my no we're changing it because that

was my my first reaction was i am now sweating hot curdled milk. It is ice cold. This is ice cold milk. You could lick your arm. You could. If no one's around you and you wanted to just sweat drip it into a cup, you could drink it. Just hypothetical then. Does that mean that you are wiping an Oreo on your armpits?

I don't think you've got to go armpits. I mean, I sweat everywhere. I'm sure. I'll just put it on my forehead. Just a little dab, dab, and eat away. Sir, are you sitting on Oreos? Yes, I am. Hot or cold, you are still covered in milk, I'll tell you.

That is a problem. But there's a big difference between it being cold and hot milk. Not much. Not much, but there's a difference. It will go from cold to milk on your warm body real quick and hot milk. Not much. Could you... Not much, but there's a difference. It will go from cold to milk on your warm body real quick. Forget milk. Just imagine that our normal sweat had a

color at all. It's blue. Everything's ruined. Everything. You just look like a Powerade commercial. Your car seat's ruined. Your couch ruined. Your shirts are single-use only, disposable. Like, thank goodness our sweat is clear. You would probably have to get in a full body suit, in which case you would be collecting

milk from within it, just not to contaminate your whole world. And then you just dump the shoe out? Yeah. On the flip side, man. Gotta milk myself. If I could choose between sneezing glitter and normal sneezing, I think I would sneeze glitter, man. Well, you're not thinking about the mess. But there's glitter.

Ooh, that's a good point. Glitter is a problem. You have to sneeze once a day. Because to me, I'm like, oh, I can never sneeze if I wanted to. Like, I can stop every sneeze that I have coming. That's impressive. Yeah, I've worked on it for a long time. I can stop some of them, but not every single time.

I'm usually getting at least a little... Maybe not if I'm sick. I'm going to say you can stop the sneeze, you know, where you go and it's just on your head. But then your mouth is full of glitter. But now your mouth is full of glitter. Your nose cavity is full of glitter. And you've got to pick that stuff out. Now, see, here's a problem with the sneeze.

You always, well, you're supposed to, at least out there. You got to cover the sneeze. And like my go-to, I go sneeze in the shirt. Really? Yeah. Not elbow. No, I prefer to go into the shirt. That does make sense.

When you go into the elbow, your elbow is now very moist from your sneeze. That's true. But I have seen a lot of these in recent history masks. I don't know if you knew about this. Yes. They've been like in the news and I'm guessing your shirt, it's just blasting right through. Like from a germ perspective,

you're firing probably. I mean, you're not, that's a good question. I mean, you don't have a, I think it's doctor approved. I don't know.

That's a cotton shirt, right? Yeah. You're not wearing one of them. I'm not wearing polyester. You don't have a H a cotton shirt right yeah you're not wearing one of them i'm not wearing polyester you don't have a hepa shirt on nothing getting through that we need some doctors to answer this question i was it's got to be better than going into the elbow no because the elbow is not going to go through the elbow but you go around the elbow you got some spray out not everybody's elbow so when you go in your shirt... That's a big elbow. I don't understand

like you're putting full like... Are you going eyes deep in your shirt? No, going over the nose. Yeah, I've seen it. That's why all his shirts are a little stretched in the front. Yeah. Sneezing the crap out of him. That's the collar problem. I gotta fit this big schnoz in there. Okay. Oh, that's just from going over the head. Never mind. That's true.

You know I have to put this shirt on, right? that's the biggest problem he steps into him yeah because i don't want to stretch it out he pulls him up he pulls his shirts up from the bottom oh all right uh i'm sneezing glitter by the way is that when you do when you sneeze are you just are you leaning back full god? Oh, yes. And I'm not. Andy says clean up. No. This is just over time.

You're going to come to my house full glitter party. I mean, it's just shiny and sparkly everywhere. When he gets really sick, the bed is just loaded. Glitter everywhere. The light keeps me from getting depressed. Raquel from Patreon. Would you rather go on a magic carpet ride with aladdin or fly to neverland with peter pan either adventure last 90 minutes

i'm going with peter pan this is no wait this is the easiest question i've ever heard i don't know about that because it's sell me on aladdin i'm no i'm gonna i'm gonna i want it to be peter pan here but here's my word of warning how How do you get to Neverland? Second star on the right, straight on till morning. Oh, my gosh. You only go 90 minutes. Yes. You're trapped in space.

You're falling. You're falling. Okay. You found a bad loophole here, and it's fair. I doubt in any of these movies that it's taken them 90 plus minutes to get to Neverland. It's straight on till morning. Yeah, but I mean, eventually they are portaling, right? We know that they're going into a portal.

Wait a minute. I got the answer. We're going Pan. We take off about 60 minutes before morning. So we're going to be just fine. Oh, I see what you're saying. Straight on until morning. So the whole night goes.

Right. You don't want to leave at sundown because that's good my big question is do i get to actually i get to fly with pam which that sounds pretty cool i mean it is flying do i get to experience any sort of neverland or is it no i don't think so a little neverland if you get to see neverland is done deal i mean it's just a done deal i want to carpet right i'm puking everywhere on that one that thing yeah probably that thing's a sky roller coaster that i can't handle how fast over sideways and I mean, it's just a done deal. Imagine carpet ride. I'm puking everywhere on that one. Yeah, probably. That thing is a sky roller coaster that I can't handle. How fast? Over, sideways, and under?

Ooh, yeah. No, thank you. How fast is the carpet? Because if I'm remembering correctly, in Aladdin, I mean, they go to many different countries, right? Yes. It also gets out of a volcano situation very quickly. I believe if you have the plaid version, it's 0 to 60 and 2.2.

I will say this. I have had thoughts before about a magic carpet ride. Not specifically, but magic carpet rides, they seem like they would be magical. It would be the most terrifying thing ever. You got to strap in. Okay, okay. Follow with me here. Let's pretend that you're suspended on a carpet.

Not even a carpet. It's not loose. A little six by six foot pad of cement, right? It's not moving. And you're 200 feet in the air. You having a good time up there? Now move. Now have it shoot around. There having a good time up there? Now move. Now have it shoot around.

There's nothing to grab on or hold on to. I mean, the carpet takes care of you. If you fall, it's going to pick you up. I've seen them. I don't want him to have to do that. Mike, break it down. We have the math. Al Borland has found this.

Amazing. So in a whole new world, you see them start in Agrabah, then they go to Cairo, Olympus, China, and then back. And if you work out all the mileage, apparently this carpet is going at least 1,165 miles per hour. And all you're doing is you're plopped crisscross applesauce on this thing just flying. What's the speed of sound?

Are we going? Oh, that's got to be. Are we Mach 1? That's got to beat the speed of sound. Has to. The speed of sound is 343. Oh, is that meters per second? Oh, no.

We're close. We're close. Someone do the math. I can't get from meters per second to miles per hour. It's impossible. Nobody's ever done it. 761 miles an hour. So we're going almost Mach 2.

Yeah, you're not staying on that carpet. How many people rode that carpet in a bird head and it's over? You're done. You're done. What's his face? It was on the roller coaster. Oh, yeah. Fabio.

Fabio. Fabio took a bird. I just brought that story up. No, you did not. Yes, I did. Andyio. Fabio. Fabio took a bird. I just brought that story up. No, you did not. Yes, I did. Andy was talking to me. I've never heard this until like two days ago.

He was talking to me. Two days ago. No way. I swear to you, the Fabio story of him going down a roller coaster, getting smacked in the face by a bird, breaking his nose, blood everywhere. Now, the best part is why this story came up is because we had Kyle, one of our editors for the Fancy Footballers, and his wife, who we met for the first time, came to town, took him up north to Prescott, and she got hit and a bird flew into her head.

Just right into her face. Right into her head. Yeah. She's sitting there reading in the morning. A bird flies into her head and then flies off. She's not moving? No, she's sitting. Bird says, that head looks great.

I'm going to fly into that. Was she okay? Did it draw blood? No, she was just fine. Alright. But then I was like, hey Fabio wants I was like, he got hit in the face with a bird. Anyways, that's really fast. Nobody they took 1100 miles

an hour very well in the movie. Yeah, Pan is not going that fast. I mean, the reality is it's magic. You're going to be safe. Both are magic. If we're breaking this down for science, you're freezing in space. The vacuum of space, you're done. You get out of the atmosphere.

Start of the right and strangle. Straight on until morning, you're a dead block of ice when you get there. That's true. So we got to go magic. Okay. And I'm still, if I get to play in Neverland, I'm going,

I mean, you, you do have magic dust that lets you fly. Yeah. But only if you have positive thoughts. That's true. We really broke that down, didn't we?

All right. One more. Uh, would you rather question Alex from Patreon? Would you rather, these are great today, by the way, Alex from Patreon says,

would you rather have to bathe fully clothed no or throw all of your food on the floor before eating it what oh my gosh the idea of sitting down for dinner and knocking your food on the floor no more soup and then go it the soup's gonna be a problem you just uh then you get on the floor and eat it up you're gonna have to have a straw for no you're gonna have to build what you're gonna need to do is you're gonna have to have your kitchen done like a commercial kitchen where there's drain at the bottom and the and the floor just kind of slants a little bit so you just sweep it into that drain oh i thought it was more of like a half pipe like but that just cleans it you think sweeping the sweeping the soup on the floor into the drain is gonna really really clean your soup?

I'm talking, but I'm trying to eat it. Yeah. I'm saying, but like- How are you going to eat it after it's in the drain? Well, you put a cup in the drain. I'm saying you sweep it into there to like collect your soup back up. That's pretty gross. You're mixing everything together.

You're sweeping it all together. It's disgusting. It's just, that's the point. This is disgusting. Don't use that broom. That's my soup broom. That's my soup broom. I feel like I'd rather have a soup squeegee than a soup broom.

Oh, yeah. Oh, you sop and squeegee? Yeah, for sure. The classic sop and squeegee? Well, that's where you just lay down, a cheek on the ground with your mouth open, and someone squeeges the soup right in. Yeah. What would be a real problem is if you sweated milk while you were gathering the food on

the ground. All right. Both of these are bad. You can't bathe fully clothed. Well, you're washing your clothes, too. Yeah, but you're not washing the parts of your body that really need to be washed. You can get in there. I think you could soap through.

Right? You could soap through. You can't soap through. Absolutely you could. You can't soap through denim. You can use the inside of the denim as a little scrubby. The jeans would be a little bit of a problem, but I'm thinking about a wash rag, right? It's just cloth.

I put some soap on a wash rag, and I wash my armpits. I'm just saying, if I go in with my shirt on, and I wet my shirt, which already is disgusting. It's already wet. And then I take body wash. Re-wet. And then I put body wash on my hand, and I put that right onto my armpit over the shirt. You'll soap through. And I keep washing.

I think it would work. Unless you're wearing denim. I mean, the denim problem is a real one. You got denim and you got underpants. What do you got now? Underpants. Underpants. Now, to be fair, I don't wear denim. Or underpants. Or underpants. Oh, man, I thought we were going dark.

Yeah. You know, basketball shorts alone. I can clean through that. Okay. I don't think bathing fully clothed is something I can get used to. If I throw my food on the floor, I've eaten food off the floor. Who hasn't? But not a whole meal.

Not a meal. Is this just a big scare tactic from the mothers of the 40s and 50s? Like, can't you eat off the floor without getting sick? What are you going to get sick from? Well, let me ask you this. What's on the floor that's going to get me sick? Probably poop particles from shoes. Yeah, but how long do they live down there?

That's a good question. Forever? They don't live there forever. Bacteria doesn't live forever. It lives very long. I believe was uh the first life form i have to imagine that tables are dirty oh yeah especially at a restaurant where they're like let me get this real dirty rag see germ germs are a myth well interesting interesting take uh so tell us more about this myth of germs i just think it's a scare tactic to get us to have to buy more food every time we drop it.

Big food. Big food. Trying to push that bacteria. Fecal matter can survive for days or sometimes even weeks on surfaces. Prove to me that one week old fecal matter gets me sick. Then I'll believe you. Poop is everywhere. But does it make you sick or is it good for you oh that's a question only you can answer by trial and error andy trial and error i'm gonna

wash myself in clothes because afterwards i change clothes yeah i don't have to wear my wet clothes i'll be fine oh that's fair all right uh let's take a quick break and then we'll do some life advice. I'm glad that that last segment was so grounded in reality, in facts, because we've reached the point in the show where we give some life advice. Let's get real. Yeah, let's get real. Let's get serious. Life's not all about fun and games.

Optimal Pooper from Patreon writes in. Thank you for your support. Thank optimal pooper uh when i get out of the shower is it acceptable for me to step out onto the floor mat and dry off i think that is why the mat is there but my wife can't stand it when the mat is soggy and expects me to dry off in the shower before stepping out mike i know a soggy mat a soggy mat is not mike's friend oh my goodness no absolutely not and this to me i'm i'm very concerned number one about this person's bath mat uh what size of a bath mat do you guys have the big shaggy ones i don't have shaggy i have a big medium pill i have i have a pretty large bath mat that is kind of like i don't have shaggy i have a big medium pill i have i have a pretty large bath mat that is kind

of like i don't care about surface area i care about thick it's very very thick but it's hold on hold on it's very thick but it's more like a memory foam oh no i don't think it soaks through it's like it's made for baths it's made for it's this is its purpose is a bath mat it's not like it's not like an absorbing material that's soaking into the mic is picturing shag yeah shag but it's not carpet so it doesn't absorb so you you get out if you're very wet your water it's made of marble your your water will simply go on super slippery your mat that will not hold the water and it will just spill it all over your bathroom floor. So there's like a layer.

Does it absorb or doesn't it absorb? There's a layer on top that is like, you know, a thin layer of absorbent material. And then there's cushy, comfy stand on this pillow. And then a rubber bottom. And it's fantastic. And it's where I dry off every single day. You step out well wet. 100% I dry off on the bath mat.

It's what it's made for. Okay. I was about to say why I do that because the shower is much warmer, but then I remember you take 45-minute showers, so your whole bathroom is very warm. My whole bathroom, nice and steamy. I dry off, I would say, 81% in the shower. Yeah. And then when I get out of the shower, the bottoms of the feet get the mat, obviously.

I don't know if Mike's drying the bottoms of his feet and doing a little hop ski over to the mat. No, absolutely not. I'm mostly dried in the shower. When I get out, it will leave a couple footprints, but that's it. That's the only evidence of me being on the bath mat. I have to be- Two footprints, yes. I have to-

Maybe three. Completely get dry on the bath mat before- What are you doing? My bathroom floor, guys, is- It's scary. Whatever material the people that built this house put in should not have been used on a bathroom floor. If there is an ounce- Non-absorbent. If there is an ounce of water, you're going for a ride.

I literally finished drying off. I was doing stuff. I was getting stuff. And then I remembered, this is because of you, Andy, I had left my glasses in the shower. So I walked back in the shower to get my glasses. Oh, re-wetting. My feet just get a little wet, but I'm totally dry. Because I made that idea the other day about you taking your-

About taking a shower with glasses on. I wasn't there. That's all I'm saying. Yes. On another podcast, you said I should try showering with glasses. I tried it. You don't forget your glasses. It was-

Jay, go back. Just freaking in. It's just important to say, I was not there for this. No, but I walk in in the shower grab my glasses come back out and i ate it i mean i oh i just straight up like banana peel style on your butt yeah well it was it was kind of i went towards the butt turn in the air landed more on the shin but i mean it was towel on or bear nakey oh bear nakey brother i was i was happy no one was around for that one i just i was like oh i gotta get my glasses i'm getting ready and i'm hustling

like it's time to get dressed it hurt a lot um that sounds dangerous so fully dry off on your bath mat no you dry you stay in the shower you stay warm that's the reason I stay in the shower is the warmth it's actually one of the reasons I kind of resent the open ended shower like they're really nice but that open door shower right it doesn't contain the heat yeah I got they do look cool but yeah try running it longer yeah that's an option I have yeah all right we'll stop there Nick from the website. Another life advice question. When one person pulls the trash bag and takes it to the curb.

Oh, yes. This is a great question. Whose responsibility is it to put a fresh bag into the interior can? I'm always doing the legwork, so I expect my wife to put the new bag in. But she says the person who empties it should be responsible. Please help. I can't tell you how many times I've thrown something messy into a bagless can. And you do that after you've taken the trash out, which is a selfless act.

Yes, of course. I mean, there is a clear right answer here. There is multiple right answers to this question. Wait a minute. There are multiple correct answers. I've got a framework that I live by, which is simply if the spouse is in the vicinity while this bag is being taken, they should meander to said basket and put the new bag on. Asked or unasked?

Unasked. Only asked. Only asked. Okay. Or unasked? Unasked. Only asked. Only asked.

Okay. If you take the garbage out, that is your job. You're saying, I'm doing the garbage. No, I'm volunteering, so you put a new bag in. You've got to finish the job. You start the job. You finish the job. If I'm having my son do chores and I say, hey, take the garbage out. I come back and there's not a garbage in there. You're darn right that's his fault. It's not like, hey, take the garbage out. I come back and there's not a garbage in there.

You're darn right that's his fault. It's not like, hey, take the garbage out. I'm going to put the liner. Now, if he says, will you put the liner in? Absolutely, bud. I got you. If I'm taking the garbage out, I'm like, hey, will you throw a liner in there? Great.

Yeah, you can do it too. But if it's unspoken and you're taking the garbage out, put a liner back in. That's on you. And then you throw something in the garbage later and get upset at the other person that they didn't put a liner in. Look in the mirror. It's your fault. So basically, if you start doing the dishes or whatever and you don't ask

people around you, they're free. Absolutely. Wait, do you have, I think it's hard to do dishes with multiple people. Clear the dishes, move them over, kind of put some in the dishwasher. There's room for a couple people to help with that. I'm with Jason. I've never understood where you show the romantic, oh, it's back in the 50s. You got the AM radios on and the mom and the dad are dancing next to each other.

I think it's like a specific scene. What do you do? You say you got dibs and walk out? It used to be like, I'm going to wash it, hand it to the other one, they dry it. You just keep drying. We got a dishwasher now, so we just load it. I'm just in the way. What do you mean we?

Well, you don't mean we, right? I mean all three of us own a dishwasher. Oh, okay. Yeah. Right? Like if your wife starts cleaning up around the kitchen and you walk out of the kitchen, that works for you? That's when I take the garbage out. And the nice thing is the longer I take, I look, I still, here, listen, pro tip.

That's when I take my poops. Here's the thing, pro tip. While you're taking the garbage out? No. If I'm still doing. When the dishes start getting started, I go, I'll be right back. I got to take a dump ski. If I'm still still doing the garbage and there's no garbage in that liner my job's not done i can't i can't do something else yet because it's my responsibility but

mike hasn't weighed in he said there's multiple right answers what's the what's the policy around your we have we've really laid out everything the way that I feel about it. I believe that if I'm taking the garbage out and someone is around, I shouldn't have to say anything. You should notice I'm bringing the garbage out and a liner should be put in. But that's not the way that the real world actually works. So I side more with Jason that if I am taking on the job of the garbage, when I'm back in, I need to put the liner in. I need to finish the job unless you ask.

Can I make an audit to my policy? Yeah. How about this? If you take the trash out and then you get back, you can't get mad at the other person, but I can go, oh. That's fair. Can I go, oh. Just super passive aggressive.

No, just a little sad that there's not a new liner in there. Is that okay? I'll allow that. I will allow that because it's a step towards the right direction. And that's all we're doing here is trying to improve everybody's lives. All right. Here's one final one before we get into our draft here. Brian Ketron from absolutely any platform he can stalk us on writes in.

Is it necessary to wash your hands after peeing if you're in your own home oh this is a legitimately necessary great question this is a great question because the answer of course is yes but now let's talk there are multiple correct answers and the answer is yes you're supposed to wash your hands after you pee in your own house. Of course. But now we get to spitballers real life. Yeah. Let's discuss. Yeah, no, I've got you. I ain't washing my hands after I go to the bathroom in my house.

Number one. No, absolutely. I'm just saying, I take a little pee. Right. I'm making judgment calls. Look, if everything went according to plan, I shouldn't need to wash my hands. Yes, obviously. If I just so happen, I'm like, oh, darn, I peed all over my hands.

Guess what? I'm going to wash them, suckers. I'm just saying, it seems like the act can be completed in a safe manner, germ-free, at your house. Now, at a public restroom, in a urinal situation, the distance between me and where my pee lands is very close sometimes compared to at the house where it's way down there. Right, the splashback. So splashback, I believe in invisible splashback at a urinal. I don't believe in invisible splashback at home.

You're covered in a mist of urine. Yeah, you don't need invisible knowledge. I mean, it's just super visible. Yeah, I don't need invisible knowledge. I mean, I don't need a black light. It's just super visible. Yeah, I mean, my legs, I'm wearing shorts. My legs are just covered in dew drops. Have you done that public? Okay, no, I want to go into that. Because we've all, look, ladies, you haven't experienced this.

Congrats, ladies. But there are urinals that are misengineered. Oh, my gosh. No, I know. They're made as reflection machines. And when you pee on them, it's not a soft stream right onto your leg. It's a pure laser beam to your leg. Why do some urinals just take my pee and they do a great job at it?

Others are like, I reject you. I reject you. I might as well be peeing on a wall from one inch away. And those urinals, we all do the same thing on them, which is we try to then, when we notice it, we try to move a little to try to stop it, and those urinals never let you go. I'm going to aim down, maybe try to hit the side.

Right into the drain? No. You try to beat the urinal, it's going to find a way to attack your face. You just increase the surface area of the rejection. You may make it worse, not better. Sometimes you just take it because you're like, this is the best it's going to get. Listen, guys, this is my number one problem with flip-flops. I mean, look, I'm a flip-flop man, but when I go to a public restroom,

I know the problems that are going to. I have to piggyback this because I've many times had that happen. Should I wash my feet? Yes. This is where I'm getting. Have you been in a restroom? Now look, I've been alone in a restroom when that's happened. It's very easy to grab a paper towel, get it wet. You wipe the legs,

you sneak out. I've done that. But when there's a full restroom and you've got two wet legs, do you have to commit? You're walking out with wet legs i'm i'm maybe i'm maybe like uh doing the the back of the shorts wipe that's about you know like one leg wipe the back of my shorts but no if it's a busy place i'm not showing these guys that i peed all over my legs and washing my legs could you imagine walking into a restroom and all of a sudden you got some guy with his foot up in the sink

just washing his pee foot? See, I'm thinking in this- You look at him and go, been there, brother. I was going to say, in this restroom- I understand. Maybe if we did it publicly, the rest of the guys would feel like-

I'm going in the stall. Thank goodness I can wipe my legs now. Look, we are doing great stuff here. We are normalizing what everyone experiences in the men's bathroom. And we're teaching the ladies. I don't think they know. I don't know that my wife knows this life because we hide it. And look, you can extrapolate here what happens when there are multiple people by these rejectional urinals.

Oh, no. It's not always your dew drops on your legs. Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, no. It's not always your dew drops on your legs. So cross, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. No, I it's always mine. It's always only mine. Even if I've stopped, no matter what, no matter how close I am, even if I have just finished and I think it came a little late as mine, 100 percent mine and mine alone. Mike, I've checked the science. It is correct. It's only able to bounce straight from one person to that same we we can't solve the problem if you don't identify it why can't we in in the men's bathroom but i know that not all of them but there are ladies bathrooms i've heard tales like there's

couches there's there's like it's all rumor but i've. Yes, we've all heard the rumor because women take care of the bathroom. They don't go into the stall and then just start doing 360s for whatever reason. We've all seen that stall, too. Who was in here? Who was doing this? But my point is, why can't we get a hand sink and then just a little foot sink on the bottom? For the flip-floppers? Yeah.

Okay. By the way, there's a lot of- Rinse them off. Ladies, there's a lot of urinal policy that you're not aware of. One of the others- Oh, the etiquette, yes. You know, Al Borland wants me to bring to mind, maybe he does, you never pull up next to somebody at a urinal.

Oh, never. No. That is- You leave a space. You don't sit next to the next seat at a movie theater. You go in and there's three empty stalls, three empty urinals. Which one are you taking? One on the outside.

Left or right? Yes. It's the only acceptable options. However, you can get into a pickle with that situation where people think you're an animal. Because if you're in a full restroom, obviously you are taking one of the close ones next to somebody. But then if the other people leave, it's you and that one person. And that's when it gets real awkward. But people

understand that. Yeah. When you're using a bathroom, it happens. You guys want to draft now? We're talking about peace some more. Well, it's tempting because I've got more to say on the subject. But let's save that for another episode. I have been caught, like we tell the kids to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom at home.

And they've definitely caught me not doing it. And they were like, you don't. And I'm like, I don't have a good answer for you. That's when you just. Growing up, he is healthy. So when you come and you grab them by the face. Oh, no. With your dirty hands.

Sure I did. And then you walk away. Okay. It's time to draft. Sure I did. And then you walk away. Okay. It's time to draft.

The Spitballers Draft. All right, we're drafting the best sitcom characters. I'm not sure that I'm in the best spot for this or not. Oh, I thought you'd love having this spot. And this is kind of, man, there's really two, three. There's three that I love. You got three one-on-ones? Three that I think could be one-on-ones.

And the problem is, is you go, I mean, sitcoms have been around for a while. You have a little bit of the, you know, you have older ones, you have newer ones. I'm worried about recency bias in the polls, people being fans of more recent sitcoms. I am not caring about the polls one ounce on this track. You gotta go with who you love. This is all heart. I assumed because I know both of you love a certain show

that the 101 would be just a clear I'm surprised. I don't know which character he would go with. That's fair. But I feel like... Here's the problem. There is best characters,

but those aren't always the most screen time either. Most prominent. They're not always the most prominent. There's characters that you love that are favorites, that are fan favorites. I've got a bit part on my list. Yeah, that's what... There are bit characters that are sometimes the best part of the show. But I think I'm going to go with Michael Scott from The Office.

Okay. Because that combines both, right? There are other characters that are bit parts that are really favorites, but Michael Scott's a favorite. He was also the main character of the show he managed to pull off being the hilarious main character i would say so i would say it wasn't it wasn't jim no no no michael scott was the main guy yeah so i will go with michael scott from the office um that's who should have been the one-on-one in my opinion yeah that's

where i got to i mean there's so many favorites that I have. I think some will come back to me. But Michael Scott, at the end of the day, I think was the best sitcom character, so he goes 101. And I still have not made it through the entirety of The Office. Which is why you asked whether Michael Scott was really the main character. No, I mean, I think he's great, but I wouldn't draft him because it would be disingenuous to me.

Now, you would have, though, Jason. Oh, Jason 100%. Michael Scott? Yeah. There's no chance he would have got past me. So I'm not. I feel good. So Mike.

He would have been my first pick for sure. Yeah. So you are up, Mr. Mike. You are going Hart. And I could play the game, but I'm going to take my favorite sitcom character of all time, the longest running show of all time. Oh, you're going Alan Alda from MASH? Not the oldest show of all time.

Oh, sorry. No, I'm taking Homer Simpson. Ah. Homer Simpson. The Simpsons was designed originally. It was supposed to be Bart. And then they realized quickly that, no, Homer is the best character on this show.

And I mean, you go- And what actor is he played by? Dan Castellaneta. Yeah. And if you have Disney Plus and you haven't watched The Simpsons, I mean, don't watch the first few. It's rough.

It took them a while to find their way. But if you jump in- The last 28 or 30 years is pretty good. But like season three through season 10, man, it is just I can say I've never really I've watched them casually throughout the years. Oh, it's but I have not seen a lot of Simpsons. They the Simpsons have done every single joke that you could ever think of. It's already been done.

And Homer is my favorite sitcom character of all time. I don't there's nothing wrong with that pick. Yeah, no, I like that quite a bit. So I know my first that's easy. I meany dwyer is locked in oh okay from parks and recreation parks and recreation um chris pratt especially fat chris pratt um was just so funny nobody ever just did the character get ruined when he became no no absolutely not he was you know it was different um but not ruined at all i mean chris chris pat's just too funny year one andy dwyer wasn't the best in my opinion but i think from season two through the end of the series he was max funny yeah year one parks and rec wasn't

that's really that good it did take a while now i'm in a bit of a pickle now i'm in a bit of a pickle so excited right now because i just don't think you guys are going to take my picks and it's great i assume man the next guy or or character on my list would be from the same show and i don't want that like i do i'm fine with that if it comes back to me, whatever. But I just... That would be tough to not have diversity on your roster. Yeah, I want some diversity. And I'm going to go with a character that was so good, so funny,

that when he left the show, the show could not survive, no matter how funny it was. That's true. That is also true. Ehrlich Bachman. Dang it! Oh, man! not survive no matter how funny it was that's true that is also true erlich bachman an adage from silicon valley he 100 was my next pick i mean this is not a poll winner because not everybody's seen silicon valley the way that everyone has seen parks and rec in the office but erlich bachman was as funny as any character gets. I feel like you were so true to yourself on those two picks.

I'm proud of you. Me too. Neither of them. It wasn't no Fortnite picks from you. Oh, no. So Ehrlich Bachman. Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, my gosh.

The show would be over. I've missed an opportunity to just grab Seinfeld from a show I have not watched just because he's a huge name. But no, I'm going to go Andy Dwyer and Ehrlich Bachman. So the question here is, who does Mike go with next to add to Homer Simpson? And will my dreams come true? Your dreams will... I mean, one of the characters that you want is definitely on my list,

but I don't think I'm going to take him here. I really can't believe you took Bachman. Were you going to go Bachman? 100% was going to take him on this pick. If you took him on this pick, I would be tilting right now because I just assumed nobody was putting him on their list. He was not on my list.

He was going to be my fourth round pick, but I wanted him. Definitely tell people what show each of these guys are from so that they know. Yes, yes. So Silicon Valley. All right. Okay, I'm going to grab a character from a show. This one, this show has been on forever also.

The Simpsons. I'll take part. No. But it's a pretty popular show, but I wouldn't say it's an all-timer. Okay. Because it's not a main network. Okay. So we're going off the path a little bit.

I'm going to take Charlie Kelly. Oh, yeah, baby. From Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Wow, God. Charlie Kelly. Oh, yeah, baby. From Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Wow, God. And this is very tough for me because when people ask what's my favorite character from Sunny, it flip-flops.

Sometimes it's Charlie. Sometimes it's Dennis. It just depends on the day. We're on a Charlie day. He is one of my most quoted characters. I like that you're on a Charlie day. Well done. Yes. Nice. Pun withstanding. This is the greatest day of my most quoted characters. I like that you're on a Charlie Day. Well done. Yes.

Nice. Pun withstanding. This is the greatest day of my life. Because your 102 got back to you? No. I had three 101s, and I get them all. Oh, look at you. There are three 101s for me.

Michael Scott. And then I'll just give you the next two real quick. Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec. That was who I wanted, but I had Dwyer. And Kramer from Seinfeld. Yeah, Kramer was the one I would have taken. Which were the two clear. I could not decide between those three for 101, and I got them all.

I don't know the last time Andy won a poll. Well, it's going to be this one. It will be this one. But that's a monster team. That team is, I don't even care who my last one is. I might go MASH. Who knows? What's nice is that frees me up completely to just take the

characters I love that might not be the biggest characters. I would have taken Ron Swanson. Andy Dwyer and Ron Swanson were my top two on my list, but I didn't want both. And I knew you wouldn't pass on Andy Dwyer. No. So I had to take my shot. I didn't know if Mike would grab Ron Swanson or not. He's on my list, but I didn't want both. And I knew you wouldn't pass on Andy Dwyer. No, no chance. So I tried to take my shot.

I didn't know if Mike would grab Ron Swanson or not. He's on the list. Okay, you've watched all the way through Parking. Yeah, I made it. Ron Swanson is the number two on my list. Well, he plays you in the biopic. Yes, yes, I've heard that. He was just like, he was the second name I thought of.

But like I said, I'm going all heart on this one. All right, so I'm back up? Yeah. All right, now this is where- We're both free. Fly, fly. Oh, I'm flying. And this is where I'm playing the actual game

where I'm using knowledge I acquired before the show. You son of a gun. I knew it. I may not take your character. Right. But it doesn't matter because I will be taking the first character from this show. And maybe this is recency bias. I do not know.

But my wife and I are currently going through Schitt's Creek right now. So funny. It's a good show. I'm in the fourth season. This is an all-timer. Oh, you have to level to that point? Yeah, I'm not even done with this show. This is an all-timer. Oh, you're leveled to that? Yeah, I'm not even done with this show. And this is an all-timer for me.

Producers need to learn to give a good comedy show multiple seasons. Because Parks and Rec season one was not that good. But you had talent on the show. Season one of Schitt's Creek wasn't that good. It wasn't great. Yeah, it took a while to get me in there. Oh, but it gets so good. But it's really tough to pick your favorite character.

But I'm taking the mom. Oh, yes. She's unbelievable. I'm taking Moira Rose. She's spectacular. David. I have never. Always dressed up like a wild bird.

I mean, her. She literally created an accent that doesn't exist. And the best part is she just has to talk because her character is so eccentric and the accent is so out of this world. She just says regular words and it's hilarious. Yeah, my wife can do a great Moira. She does great. Then again, terrifying. What is that?

That's Catherine O'Hara? I believe so, yes. Yeah, from Home Alone. Home Alone. Oh, man. From really a lot of stuff. No, I know, but we diminished her entire career and put it into Home Alone. She is unbelievable in that.

I am going to piggyback because I wasn't sure who I was going to take between David and Moira. That's where it was for me, too. And so you picked first. I give you credit in that, but I'm going to take this guy. Ew, David. I'll take David Rose. That's not even him. Yeah, you just did it.

The sister. Yeah, I did the sister, but with his name. So I'm going to take David Rose. He's my first. And now, oh, goodness, my last pick. I have so many little bit characters i want uh i guess i'll i'll wait on naming them because there's two more picks ahead of me all right i'm gonna go with i'm down to two that's a real grunting in the end

with I'm down to two. That's a real grunting in the end. Only one heart man. Only one of these characters got ran over by Alex. John Raphael. You guys are just drafting parks in Iraq. I only got two of my line. Let's watch it go. It's only 50 percent of my team.

Oh, you should I pivot back to my other. Yeah. No, John Raphael is a great character. It is. You almost went three my other. Yeah. No John Ralph feels a great character. It is. You almost went three though. That's what's funny is like I almost went Ron's what you just draft parks and rec man. Maybe I should have gone with the guy with three thousand dollar suits but we'll see. All right Mike it's back to you. One more pick for your team. I am very torn here. Uh, goodness gracious. So two characters, both excellent shows. Uh, all right. What? Whatever. We'll, we'll stay with the show that whatever. Okay. I'm trying to talk myself into one of them it's it's tough over

here because i love both of these characters let's go five rounds let's go well we we can go five because i got two but i'm gonna go jake peralta oh that's very good i'm gonna take uh andy sandberg from brooklyn 9999 and this one's a little tougher because the other one is a character that i was gonna draft and jake peralta is basically just Andy Samberg. He's just him in all the things that he is in, which is hilarious. And he's one of my favorites out there right now. But Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. All right, Andy, you now have either your final pick or your second-to-last pick.

If you'd like to go to your third-to to last pick, I'll go all day here. I really, I don't care. Whatever you guys want to do. You want to go five total? So I've got two picks. I want five because there's just too many good. Because I mean, this is easy. I mean, this is a walk in the park.

Okay, so I got two more. Yeah. Lucy O'Ball. She's on my list. Oh, of course she is. Yeah, because I pay homage, my friend. I've never seen an episode of my life it was great I loved watching that with my mom

growing up alright I have Michael Scott Jan Brady now that's funny Michael Scott Ron Swanson Kramer I have him so far I'm going Dwight Schrute okay I'm going George Costanza alright the best sitcoms have the best characters very powerful team and so Dwight Schrute. Okay. I'm going George Costanza. All right. Yeah, very good. The best sitcoms have the best characters.

Very powerful team. And so Dwight Schrute and George Costanza will round out my team, which is unfortunately for you unbeatable. Yeah. Oh, yeah. In the polls, you got this one. That's fine. Although, I mean, I had Moira.

Had David. Had John Ralphio. So you guys have made picks right off my list. It's just you left me the best. Alright. Perfect. Now the decision on this is over. Going to a show where I mean you could have a hundred

people and you might end up with eight different answers of your favorite character from this show because there are just so many. But I will go with my favorite character from this show because there are just so many but i will go with my favorite character from this i will take job oh come on from arrested development three thousand dollars shoot come on that's what that was my i know that's okay that's okay there's one more from that show you can take no oh there's there's a million from that show i could take tobias

is on my list but i'm not because at the last minute I was between Job and another character that I had forgotten about look we're we're fantasy football players the league was not the most popular all the time but Rafi yeah Rafi from the league was one of the best characters of all time on any show so I'm happy to scoop up Rafi at the end. Wow, crap. I can't think of his name. The actor? Jason... Man... Manzouk... I don't know. Manzoukas? Yeah. Is that it?

Yeah, something like that. He's so funny. He's the same thing. Oh, yeah. He's in Brooklyn 99, and you know who he plays? Rafi. In everything. He's also a voice in Invincible. You know who he plays? Rafi. Yes, he is great. He is fabulous a voice in Invincible. Know who he plays? He is great. Those were our

favorite sitcom characters. I have a feeling we'll receive a large amount of thoughts out there. No friends on our show. I didn't watch Friends. I watched lots of Friends. It's harder to... Who's actually the best character on that show. I didn't watch Friends. Yeah, I mean, Chandler being. I watched lots of Friends, but it's, who is. It's harder to.

Who's actually the best character on that show? They congeal. I think Chandler would win. I think Chandler's kind of. Joey. Yeah, Joey or Chandler. Really? For me, I would have said.

I'm in the middle of it right now. Like, I'm on, like, the second to last season. I've never watched through it all. There was a wave where it was easily Ross. Oh, yeah? And then, by the end, they just... They morphed his character into the most unlikable. They turned him into just a complete psychopath by the end.

But in the middle, he was the best. Got any other characters on your list? I got a couple here. I did genuinely have Lucy Ricardo in that show. I had Elaine from the same show that I just brought up. You also could go Larry David. Sure. Yeah, absolutely.

Although, is it a character? You know, if you're playing something. It is. Tracy Jordan by Tracy Morgan and 30 Rock. He was hysterical. Fresh Prince is just like a shout out. Not as funny, but a great character from a long time. And Kenny Powers.

Oh, yes. You know who deserves some credit would have been the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond. She's one of the best comedy actresses ever. She's so ridiculously funny. I did not watch it. I'm pretty sure that character annoyed me. Oh, my gosh. I had just the couple I had left.

I also had Jared from Silicon Valley on my list as just low-key. Oh, yeah. Hilarious. And then I had my shout-out. There's no way you could draft him because I couldn't even remember his name, so I had to look it up. But NoHo from Barry. Oh, totally.

I saw him, and I almost put him on my list also is that that's not a sitcom though that's a drama yeah that's not it's not really it's not a standard sitcom at all um also i need to apologize to the mom from everybody loves raymond because i she was she was very fun she was not the character I was thinking of. I think I'm thinking of the mom from that 70s show. Oh, yeah. What? I can see that being a nod. Oh, she's great.

Well, let me Google, because maybe I'm wrong. I'm just shading all these old mobs. All right. I think we've exhausted the sitcom characters. Yes. I just want to go. What did we learn today? I learned that I just want to go. What did we learn today? I learned that I really want to go watch television right now.

Okay. I learned that I'm not alone in peeing on my own legs. It's important. And I learned that no matter what is going on at a urinal, it's always your urine. Yes. Very important to know that. It is never anybody else's.

That's a fact. That'll do it for the Spitballers podcast. Thanks for tuning in. I was taking a bath. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.

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