Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 164: Dr. Quackadoo MD & Things To Blow Up With Dynamite - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

On today’s show, we talk about composting toilets, cereal condiments, and some willy nilly accusations. In the Situation Room, Andy is put on trial, we invade our local zoo, and we are granted the ability to summon food on-demand. We light the fuse on this episode with a draft of things to blow up with a stick of dynamite. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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Head to FaradayBrand.com and use the code BALLERS at checkout to snag 20% off all your summer gear. That's code BALLERS at Faraday, F-A-H-E-R-T-Y, brand.com for 20% off. 20% off. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A scooch, dude, by thebba, biggity, boosh. Whee! Okay.

Okay. Look, I don't know if I'm in a special place, but that might have been one of my all-time favorites, Mike. For those of you at home, he threw two hands up on the wee. And the wee, I don't know how far the when we record you know we have our incredible intro with just three dazzling handsome gentlemen going on

but if you go back and you check the tape there is definitely you can see my face actively know that I'm going to add in the we oh I'm getting an 8 and a 7 I will take that we need to start grading these I need some numbers over here but the we i mean it's as as far as a late term addition a finisher yeah finding your finishing move right before you

start that's what that was that was the we so that was potentially i'm not saying it was maybe i'm wrong okay but potentially that was the best scat we've ever had okay and next week next week oh yeah we could go the complete other direction or we can go to the moon i mean it's up to al borland it is al scat next week the also have you guys ever had um a not notepad or a text edit file in front of you that you wrote out? Scooch, douche, baba, biggity, boosh. Wait a minute. You prepped this stat? Oh, I prepped that.

You want to change your rating of that stat? Of course. You go from an eight to a six. But you didn't write down we. I did not. Okay. Okay, seven. welcome into the show we got we're back baby we got to get this going uh would you rather jason that's why

yours sucks so much because you don't should prep take five seconds to write something down would you rather the situation room and we are drafting things to blow up with a stick of dynamite. Something we've all not thought about before. That's true. Yeah, I'm usually using a different method, but dynamite will work for the objects I want to blow up. What is nice about this draft is that my son is sitting in studio watching this recording. And this is a draft that he can connect with as a 10 year old young man sometimes we draft sitcom characters and that draft doesn't quite resonate but we like to keep most things at a 10 year old level he wasn't in on kramer

i don't think so everyone loves blowing things up that's like a universal truth i mean that's why like angry birds was so popular. It's just, can I just break things? Yeah. If you, it's the same thing with like fire. People want to set things on fire to see what happens. Things to set on fire. Making a note.

At spitballers pod. You can follow us on Twitter. Appreciate everybody reviewing the show. Let's do some. Would you rather. Appreciate everybody reviewing the show. Let's do some Would You Rather. Would you rather?

You didn't like your transition there? Transition was fine. My voice is what I have. I have a problem with the fact that I have no volume. Kyle from Patreon. Would you rather have to use a composting toilet or a hang-up shower bag for the rest of your life? Al, would you like to define these for us? Thank you, Andy.

I am. Look, I know what they are. I just want to make sure that people at home know what a composting toilet is. Right. Yeah, me too. The hang-up shower bag is basically a bag of water that you just open a valve on and it trickles water over you. A lot of people use them camping and stuff. Okay, okay, yeah.

And the composting toilet. That's a toilet that composts. That's just an outhouse, right? Is that like, do they have those on like in a van? Like if you had a van toilet, would it be a composting? No, no, no, no. This is literally like everything just breaks down. It's just a hole in the ground, essentially.

No, but I mean the toilet has to like collect it and then like put it in its own container with some bacteria. A composting toilet is a type of dry toilet that treats human waste by a biological process called composting. It leads to the decomposition of the waste. Now, is this inside?

It can be inside. Or is this outside? A composting toilet, it goes into like a tank that you then, I believe, dump elsewhere. You would not use that inside? Well, when I say inside, I mean it could be inside of a van or a motorhome. People live in their vans and they have composting toilets. Oh, I'm looking at it.

I mean, this is an inside toilet. You're basically pooping in a bucket. And then you're empty in a bucket. But then it goes into a place where it stops the odor from coming out and yet your poop is still there we uh my family and i recently in like a month or whatever a couple months ago we did a uh like a hiking trip up to sedona and before you hit the trail there was a bathroom and this was a toilet that i have never experienced. I think we recently talked about a bear being inside of it. There could have been a full family of bears.

In the toilet? The toilet was regular size, but you could see down, and it's just a gigantic pit, and everybody's stuff is in there. It's basically like how all of what we are used to experiencing goes into the sewer. But instead of pipes taking it there, it's just you're over a manhole cover. And it just goes right into the sewer. The only reason I know anything about them is because I saw somebody that lived in a van give a tour. And they talked about you buy these toilets, you put them in the van,

and then you can eventually just dump the waste out. Okay, hold on. We've got to stop at this van thing. We're talking like a regular-sized travel van, right? Yeah. Not like an RV, really awesome, double-wide. No, the kind that you would sell ice cream out of. Okay, so people install a toilet into this van.

And look, I know when I have a good activation. Sure. I mean, that room is no longer usable for a while. That's true. So you're telling me that people in their living space. Activation. When I fully activate. Look, look activate detonate yeah what they just they they have a toilet i'm guessing they open the doors afterwards and let that air out

but this is like having a toilet right in the middle of your living now would this be like an extra fee you'd pay on in an uber ride or is this a discount uber if they've got that's a discount uber oh someone was in here oh is it extra because you can actually right i mean i've got a bathroom in my uber you have been caught in a few ubers needing to i have drop a dude i have we took an uber from i believe it was from philadelphia to new york for a live show oh my goodness yes and I had to go for about way too many miles. It was like we're passing these exits, and I'm like, dude, I've been talking about this. I thought I was going to pop.

So those indoor toilets, they have a fan that draws the air inside. But that's not going to stop it. No way. It's not stopping this chemical warfare. Well, let's get back to the question here. The hang-up shower bag. It does smell outside. No, it does not it mike says no wait outside of outside of the van yeah yes okay like a fan they have a fan

that draws air in and through it and then it vents outside um yeah i mean i guess learning more about a composting toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's the future I want in this world but a hang-up shower bag you're getting no water pressure that's for sure your shower has to be quick it's not heated no you're not I mean maybe there's some solar thing that's going to make it not freezing but this is not a warm comfortable shower you have however many gallons slowly dripping on you to shower that's all you get every day. Okay, but on the flip side, I mean, we haven't even gotten to the point. Number one, your whole house smells like poo-poo. Number two, you have to empty this toilet.

No way. I have twins. Chores are a burden. Someone in your household has to empty the chamber pot, essentially. But that chamber pot has been broken down by bacteria. It still smells like poop. No, it doesn't. Yes, it does.

It has to smell like poop because it's poop. You think your poop don't stink? I mean, this is a universal poop stinks. Mine smells like hoo-hoo-hoo, but... I think I'm going to take the toilet. Me too. Because... You guys are out of control well i want to see the science happen let me argue it for you mike when i am doing my duty yeah nothing has changed for me my life is just as good as it was in the sense that like you could

even hook a bidet seat it's not stopping you from doing your duty. It's just... Yeah, that's right. That's right. It's just the after that is the problem, and the after is my children's problem on their weekly chores, emptying the chamber pot. Weekly?

Daily chores. I guess we should probably... I think it's probably weekly. When it's composting, it's certainly not every day. Yeah, it's got to break down. It's probably monthly. Oh. I mean composting. It's certainly not. It's got to break down. So this is you. It's probably monthly. Oh, I mean, like depending on how much you eat.

I do not believe that this room does not smell. This is you're going into the room. Your your spouse just wrecked it. But my my activation and everything. My activations are not changed. Whereas my shower. I grow a garden with this. Oh, absolutely. Some great fertilizer.

Mommy made this. For your van garden. Yeah, I'm gonna compost my poo. Mike, would you like to make a final selection before I move on? I'm taking the shower because my whole house is not going to smell like turds. No, just your body. I could wash. You run out of water? I can wash very fast clint from the

website would you rather have your car horn wired to your brake pedal or have to cut the front of every line you ever get in and yell i was here first oh these are awful so if you use a brake which i mean when you think about it you use a brake when you're coming up on the car right in front of you yeah you're honking at everyone that you're stopping yeah and let me just oh my gosh that would be horrific but then I don't know that that'll cause a fight like cutting in lines man I have accidentally walked in a line I have been apologetic like oh I didn't realize the line went around the corner I'm so sorry and almost gotten in a fight because dude thought i'm trying to you know go to the bathroom first which to be fair if someone has to cut you in line in a restroom line let them right but

that's that's just people standing that's not factoring in road rage you're saying cut in line in cars yeah well i'm saying that anything inside of a car is magnified amplifies your anger because you're like more anonymous or something being yeah being in a car is is like the old school version of the internet as in like people when they jump on the on the internet you know you're a keyboard warrior you just i'll pick a fight i'll say whatever i want because my avatar is an egg, and no one knows who I actually am. People used to feel like that inside of a car.

You're like, oh, I've got windows. I'm in this metal beast. People don't know who I am. I can speed away. I can be a jerk. A car is a powerful weapon. I was told that by my driving instructor like you are in a weapon here and so it is a projectile the confidence you learn to drive in a military submarine though

right driving a weapon that's a confidence boost that can they can make you angry on the road yeah i mean the cutting one is i have you ever been accused of cutting when you absolutely were not i mean is that your situation yeah yeah i was, I was cutting, but I wasn't trying to. The line wrapped around. See, I wasn't even cutting. I went on vacation with my wife. There was this super long line to get on a gondola. We walk up to the front to see ticket prices,

and we had people run at us going like making sure we knew that the line started way back there. Where are you getting on a gondola? We were in the mountains. Okay. Okay. Oh, one of those? Yeah.

Okay. Not the boat version? Not the boat gondola. Why is it real? I don't know why they both came out. What is the other version? What's a gondola that's on a boat? A ski gondola.

An enclosed ski lift. The ski lift is called a gondola? Not a ski lift. A ski gondola. What is a ski gondola. An enclosed ski lift. The ski lift is called a gondola? Not a ski lift. A ski gondola. What is a ski gondola? An enclosed area. Search for gondola. If you can stand in it, it's a gondola.

But you can't stand in a gondola boat because you're going to fall in the water. I had these moments. Yeah, if you search for gondola, you will get 50% boats, 50% enclosed ski lift. I had no idea that the ski lift is a gondola i have only heard of gondola rides where you know you're where you're someone's got a big pole and they're pushing yeah and they're usually singing and it's romantic by by the judgment of this line these are very popular as well but uh no i the idea of offending another person, that's a foregone conclusion. You're offending a person here no matter what.

So it's just a matter of, like you said, is it the weapon you would fear more? Okay, let me give you a couple situations. Now, does this say you have to cut in line or you have to go to the front? You have to cut to the front of every line and yell, I was here first. Okay, we're in Disneyland're in disneyland okay these are long 30 minute lines now i have had this thought before genuinely i i'm just trying to walk up and just just walk excuse me excuse me i'm meeting meeting my family yeah people do this all the time and i never think anything negative about it someone just walks up through

this line they're like oh excuse me i gotta get past oh excuse me and and i'm just like that's fine i know that they they know where they're going they're confident they're probably meeting up with someone if you just do this at disneyland and your whole family like oh excuse us excuse us if you just walk up to the front but then you gotta say i was here first get on the ride that's the kicker is that i was here first that's the kicker but now i'm just imagining like you're in a line and you're passing people oh excuse me i gotta get to the front like yeah we all do like i'm not telling a lie if somebody came to me at the front if i was in disneyland and somebody said i was here first i'd probably

believe him yeah i'd probably be like oh this guy was here first I'd probably believe him yeah I'd probably be like oh this guy was here first well here's the funniest part gas lighting it's super easy the first half of that line right nobody knows where the front is you're going but once you get down to 10 people left five people left two people left and the last person they're next in line you're like oh excuse me I've gotta I to. I was here first. What if you really did this and your line is just, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. I got to get on this ride. We're saying the same thing. I'm like, how funny would that be?

You're not. You aren't lying to anyone. There's no lying. It's just literally, I got to get on this ride. I'm so sorry. It would work, though. Everyone would get out of your way. If you go to Disneyland and you employ this tactic, you will have so much fun.

You'll ride all the rides as many times as you want. Excuse me. I really need to get on this ride. And then if the staff member says something to you, you just go, oh, no, no, no. I just got to get on real quick. There is no advantage. Okay. Here's the thing.

Between these two options, while both put you in this super uncomfortable, awful human situation, one of them has an advantage. Oh, one of them, you're at the front of every line. I'm at the front of every line. I'm taking that for sure. I mean, I'm going to feel terrible both ways, but at the end of the day, I'm checking out my groceries quicker. I mean, I'm at Costco.

All these people with their giant carts. Excuse me with my cart. groceries quicker i mean i'm at costco all these people with their giant cards if you excuse me with my cart if you wear a polo and a lanyard with like an empty name tag that might secure it even easier just ramming people with your with your giant cart full of stuff like just trying to squeeze excuse me excuse me you might get arrested i was here first you might get arrested on like voting day. Okay. Like, oh, you're not allowed to cut this line.

You're making me think about the grocery one because if you ever like trying to buy like a pack of gum and then the person with like a bigger cart just goes, oh, do you want to go ahead of me? Yes. Somebody has to have hidden camera that where you say, oh, thank you so much. And then the spouse comes out with a full cart.

Come on, kids kids three carts three carts everyone's oh that's very kind of you thank you all right you're right I really needed to get to the front I'm taking the the line one it has a built-in advantage eating hamburgers in the end zone from patreon which would you rather do with no water brush your teeth with toothpaste or swallow three advil oh man okay so i i certainly use water to brush my teeth for sure however it's been it's been established It's been years since we've talked about this. But I was told by a dentist that you're not supposed to pre-wet the brush or pre-water on the toothpaste. So you're supposed to go in dry. Dr. Quackadoo gave me that advice.

MD. Afterwards. I apologize. I apologize. It's respect on Dr. Quackadoo's name. You know, afterwards I wash my mouth out with water and all that. Which you're not supposed to do. You're not supposed to wash your mouth out with water?

Look, you jump on those. Instagram dentists are all the rage. This is all the rage. What are you supposed to do? You're not making this up? I'm not making this up. Instagram dentists. Dr. Quackadoo's everywhere.

Dr. Q is all up on my IG camera. Apparently, I've been tagged for mouth advice on my. That doesn't surprise me. Yeah, it doesn't surprise me either, really, to be fair. But yeah, they're saying you're supposed to brush your teeth, and then when you're done, just spit the toothpaste out, but you're not supposed to rinse. You're supposed to leave the toothpaste on your teeth. So wrong. It sounds disgusting.

Yeah, I'm not doing that. When I go to the dentist and they brush my teeth for me at a cleaning, then they hand me a cup to rinse my mouth out. Yeah, but that's just a midday brush. That's the difference? Yeah. Whatever. No. Look, I will say this i've become pretty proficient in swallowing pills without water oh yeah i've done so i have no problem

with that can't do it not necessarily one of those big horse pills well and not three at a time but if you give me three advil and you give me a couple minutes i can handle i'll figure it out but i'll have a bunch of that coating on the inside of my mouth it's gonna it's gonna depend on what kind of pill it is because you know there's the... It's Advil. Yeah, but Advil comes in... Are these liquid gels? Are these those candy coated? It's a candy coated.

I don't think I can swallow them without water. I really don't. I have... It'd be fun to watch you try. Yeah, yeah. I'll bet that would be fun for everyone else. I cannot... When I watch you go like a seal did you guys ever used to watch Dr. House yeah oh yeah and he was addicted to painkillers and every five minutes he would just pop open this pill jar uh-huh oh yeah you take the pill without yeah swallow a bunch of them and he would just swallow them. And I watch this thing.

They raw dog these. They throw these Tylenols, and they chew them up? And I'm like, what are they doing? That's not a thing. People don't just take pills without water. Especially chewing them up. Have you ever put a Tylenol in your tongue? So here's a true story from me.

Those candy-coated, and I say candy coated because trust me they are the candy coated Advil I once when I was a young I don't know if I was a teenager yet I might have been a tween um I had to take some Advil I had a headache and I put these in my mouth oh they're delicious what is this cherry and so I suck on them. What are you doing? Well, I'm just thinking, what's the harm? I need to swallow them. I need to ingest them. They're delicious.

So I'm just kind of holding them in my mouth. When that candy shell is gone, whatever poison is inside of those pills. It's battery acid. It is the worst, most foul foul thing never touch your tongue ever i challenge everyone uh suck on a candy coated hat phil and experience adults adults out there adults only and um it is horrific i am proud to say i've never done that now when i take them I am to this day literally that's the kind of rehab in this office and last week I had a headache I grabbed a couple Advil and when I put them in my mouth I'm like I have the timer is running to this day I have to swallow those as quick as possible or I am

terrified it's the worst thing I've that I ever tasted. I'm glad you brought it up because I was going to ask, does Sudafed, I haven't had a Sudafed in a lifetime. I've never had Sudafed. No, no, no. It's been forever. Essentially what I'm saying, but does Sudafed still taste really good? I mean,

there's a teeny little red pills. Yeah, but they covered those things in sugar. Kids. Well, yeah. Look, we're talking to grownups right now. Unless it's Tri-Minute, because that stuff was delicious. They got you, Mike.

They got you. I mean, literally just yesterday, our family's getting over some colds, if you can't tell from my voice. What? Just yesterday, I told my wife i'm like you want one of these vitamin c gummies and she basically had the equivalent of like yeah i don't think they work at all but they're so delicious yeah of course i want one is it right in front of my daughter and she's like can i have some we're like sorry honey no get sick use medicine responsibly but only but especially the delicious um that being said i'm brushing my teeth without water because i've had yeah we're back to the question i've had uh uh you know a dentist tell me not to do it beforehand mike has been told not

to do it afterwards so i'm just gonna do the right thing and it's gonna feel bad but sometimes the right thing doesn't feel like the best, and so I'm going to do that. Jason, I want you to brush your teeth, no pre-soak, and then no rinse. And I think we should all try this out and see how we feel. Try it once. You're also not allowed to rinse out the brush. Well, no, that one is going to be necessary for the next day.

All right. No, that one is going to be necessary for the next day. All right. I'm going to keep the water involved with my teeth. Oh, yeah. I can handle the delicious, delicious Advil. Chew them up, Mike. See how they are.

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After authorities realize he wasn't really talking on the phone, Andy has been arrested for public urination behind a dumpster. Okay. I hear your kid laughing in the background. I love it. Mike has been hired as the prosecutor and is trying to put him away. Oh, I'm sorry. You're fighting the good fight for the public urinators out there.

Jason has been hired as the defense attorney and is trying to get Andy to walk free. Make your cases go okay so um i believe the prosecution has to open in this situation i do mike you have the yeah i mean defense goes last right yeah is that how court works that is accurate is that how judge judy does it i see the judge shaking his head okay so uh stalling here um obviously i didn't commit a crime here no no of course excuse me the defendant should not be speaking in this court of law and look uh he was clearly uh whizzing willy-nilly behind uh behind the dumpster and we have rules about this that we need to protect the youth of America from seeing such a stream. Objection, Your Honor.

Using the phrase willy-nilly, I think, is leading to the... Yes, tampering. Judge, can I get a ruling? Oh, he nods. He nods. Okay, I think objection overruled. Or confirmed. What do they say? Sustained you thank you judge look we've was that your whole case no i mean clearly i have

such a monstrous backlog of of legal things that i need to talk about uh but when it comes down to it do you want ip freely over here running around your neighborhoods terrorizing things up to no good i rest my okay your honor your honor it is time for common sense to prevail here um my client has an upstanding record in the community he is very funny on one of the most popular comedy podcasts in existence so keep in mind celebrities don't oh objection objection okay sustained but you know he's a celebrity uh furthermore i would argue that no willy or nilly was seen in the event and you cannot prove what was happened there is no video evidence furthermore cleaning the back of a dumpster with sterile water is not a crime and my clients should be free of all

charges including the fact that think about it this way one of our largest sponsors is ip vanish there is nothing here that you can prove. It is gone. There's no evidence left. That's right. Your Honor, I ask this case be dismissed. Well done. Very impressive. Do we have the gavel? I mean, we have the technology here. Look, if

the puddle was there, I do declare guilty. I was trying to come up with a rhyme as well. I was hoping you'd go with anyone here who does not pee can throw the first stone. I think we need a ruling. To throw the first kidney stone? To throw the first kidney stone. Judge Giamatti is here and has a gavel.

Do we have it? Oh, okay. A rule in favor of the defendant. Oh, yeah. That was pretty. And you know what? You, okay. I rule in favor of the defendant. Oh, yeah! And you know what? You'll be happy you did next time you have to go. Alright, Matthew from Patreon. Sir, I would like to cite the case of

Andrew Holloway versus the public. For the reason I was able to pee on that building. To be fair, Mike, you should have presented the lack of a cell phone record during that pretend phone call. All right, here we go. Matthew from Patreon.

Your local wizard. He's back. Grants you the power to summon one food or drink item on command. You can never change which item that is, and you must consume it in its entirety each time you summon it what item do you choose oh baby i love the conditions here because it's great you have to eat it immediately so if you had said like okay i want a filet mignon that means you're not summoning it very often right no i mean probably not no i mean you're not just gonna be sitting on the couch being like

oh man i'm a little i you know i want a snack for this movie I'm watching. If I got to eat that whole thing, that's going to present problems to my bowels. Yeah. But there's a wide range. John Wayne problem. This is food or drink. I mean, there are. Wait, it's not both?

One food or drink. Oh, I thought I was getting both. No, so you could grab yourself, like you could summon a Pepsi on demand. You just got to finish the can. You could summon yourself a... You could summon water. I mean, think about that. You go on a nice hike, and you can have endless water wherever you go.

Good work using your magical powers to summon water. That's actually pretty valuable, Mike. Yeah, super practical. You could go rafting on the ocean with that. That's true. If you're stranded, look, in an emergency situation, you're going to be the most popular guy in town. Here's a genuine question because maybe this will answer it,

and I don't know my answer. What singular food do you eat the most? Burgers. You think so? 1,000%. And I know that if I could summon one food. But you don't have a burger a day. No, I could.

Is there any food you have every day? There is a reason there's a food. I don't eat a burger every day. It's because the scale would let me know that I'm eating a burger every day. But if the rules are, if I summon it, I have to finish it. You give me that Junior Bacon Cheeseburger. No tomatoes. Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, no tomato.

No problem. No problem. I feel like. I will eat those all the time. I might go with a bowl of cereal. Really? Well, here's why. It's real dry.

I have it. Well, no, there's milk in it and stuff it's a completed bowl of cereal i believe it was one food or drink item wait you were like no tomatoes does that mean no nothing it's just a burger and bread you get your condiments yeah yeah yeah so milk is not a condiment it is a cereal cereal a bowl of cereal i have to call the judge back in here. If you're on death row and they're like, what's your final meal? And you go, I'd like a bowl of cereal. They don't bring you dry cereal in a bowl.

Yeah. Actually, I think they do. And then they just laugh and point. He's got dry cereal. So the reason is I have it every day. There's a little prep involved. I don't got to buy milk. I don't got to buy cereal.

I don't got to pour it in a't got to buy cereal i don't got to pour it in a bowl yeah but it's burdensome but it's always together then yeah and i'm happy what kind of cereal is it you can't say all cereals i guess in that case on demand have to finish it right then yeah i guess i'll go cinnamon toast crunch if i got to finish it right then it's gonna stay crispy i think that was i mean i know we've done a lot of drafts and things like that. You've made a lot of bad picks. That was probably your worst one of all time. Because you eat cereal every single day,

and now you're going to be sick of having that one same cereal, so you're just going to end up going to your pantry to get different cereals that stop you from using your magical power of summoning one cereal. So what do you eat enough for this to make it into a drink? You don't have to eat it enough. It has to be special, and it has to be small enough to be enjoyed whenever you want. That's right! I'm going to host this apple pie.

Are you kidding me? Whenever I want, just a nice little baked treat. Also, the green box hostess apple pie. Oh if i had if you had that power there'd be a countdown on my life could you restrain it in any way yeah i mean i would only do it like five or six times in a row and then i would be in massive pain and there would be at least five or six hours till i do it again i but please hear what I am saying, which is... That you love apple pies?

The Hostess apple pie, specifically Hostess brand, the apple flavor of the little prepackaged pies are something I really would enjoy being delivered here. So if anybody wants to send just an unfathomable amount of Hostess apple pies, I would accept them.

I like the handheld nature of that. Like, you could summon a taco. Tacos are actually super messy. Super messy. Burrito. There you go. Yeah. Wrap it up.

It's enclosed. Fold the butt. Snickers bar. Because I can eat my Hostess apple pie. Who eats Snickers? I can eat it on the couch. I can eat it while I'm driving. I can eat it, you know, anywhere.

I need your take on this, Jason. Okay, go ahead. Because this was recent news. And we all, I would say we all know, but if you didn't know, Major League Baseball, the game is so horrifically bad. Right, I knew that. What are you saying? And, like, people don't want to attend.

So the only way that they get people to attend is they invent these monstrosities of brand new food items yeah that's why i go yes thank you and like and it's always trying to one up one two foot hot dog yeah bigger better crazier and like i mean the uh uh you know like a a krispy Kreme donut cheeseburger. So instead of a bun, it's a donut, which, to be fair, delicious. But I need your take on this. Because Guy Fieri, the- The blonde bombshell, got it. The spiky-haired one himself, he introduced for an MLB game, it's an apple pie hot dog.

So imagine your hostess apple pie. Which I will say in recent years, Jason's, like my view of Jason's love of hot dogs. Hot dogs are great. Like I think Jason really likes them. I love hot dogs. Ask me the last time I had a hot dog. When did you last have a hot dog?

Yesterday. And that's only because I haven't been off work today. But, yeah. No, I had one yesterday. What's your hot dog? Ketchup, mustard, relish, onions are the go-to. But brand of choice? Hebrew National.

Okay. I think I've upgraded to the bigger one. That's 100% beef. Yeah, it's kosher dogs. Okay. Back to the question at hand. Apple pie, hot dog you interested so i'm interested in seeing photos which i'm pulling up now um yeah i'm in yeah i mean they're they look

pretty good at first when you said it i thought well that's disgusting and then i thought i like these things and i saw pictures no i'm in yeah absolutely there's there's people there ice cream on it no ice can you get an ala mode i'm sure you can even bring your own guy fieri is it's fine if you put ice cream on and on this there is mustard on his version which he's mustard that strikes me as a a bridge too far if we're including the apple pie in this. But I'll try it. Okay, and then final apple pie question because I know people do this. Have you ever done the cheese on the apple pie?

Yes, I have. On apple pie? Yeah. Oh, like cheese and apples? You would have that as an appetizer. It's a really stupid thing that a lot of people do. And so it's food, stupid thing that a lot of people do and so it's food so I tried it and it was like I and I love cheese and I love apple pie

and it was like I had this delicious piece of apple pie and then I ruined it doesn't it seem like it matters what kind of cheese you get oh absolutely so I don't know if a slice of cheese is the right direction there's certain cheese like brie cheese goes with apples yeah but that's not the thing the thing is like a slice of cheese is with the right direction there there's certain cheese like brie cheese goes with apples yeah but that's not the thing the thing is like a slice of yellow that's the trend or

something it's the the i don't know if it's cheddar or american but yeah like basically the the craft single you throw a single on this yeah american cheese yeah all right fake uh and delicious all right josh from patreon you're given three hours of unrestricted access to every square inch of your local zoo yeah how are you spending the time three hours in the zoo no rules you can do what you want like is there a pin you're jumping into i want to be you got to be careful choosing any pin at the zoo. I mean, yeah. There's some reason there's cages.

I'm going to go in the grizzlies. Get my big bear hug. I think they like that because they're called bear hugs. I'm just looking out for you. But thank you. Thank you. This is good advice. I shouldn't mock you.

You're 100% right. But go on, Mike. Tell us why we should be careful choosing which pen to hop in at the zoo. Well, if you jump in with a lion. Right. Wait, wait, wait. I haven't even written. Write this down.

Write this down. If you jump in a pen with a lion, he'll probably go lion on you. Okay, good to know. Thank you. Don't hop in lion good to know thank you don't hop in yes thank you remember that for when you're given three hours of unrestricted access being at the zoo is not a place where i'm like boy i really wish there was no like supervisors or oversight because if they weren't i've got things i'm ready to do like there's no part of me that's like, man, the only thing holding me back.

You pull this glass down and I'm in there. Yeah, like the only thing holding me back from riding that rhinoceros over there is Shirley from the zoo. Like, that's not an issue for me. I'm not sitting there going. I am actually more happy if I have restricted access at the zoo. I'd be like, can you restrict me a little bit more? The only place I can think of off the top of my head. So we've all been to the-

The cafeteria at the zoo. I have unrestricted access to the kitchen. Yes, sir. Oh. Well, while that is a delicious idea and is certainly not ruled out from this guy at the what is ours? The Phoenix World Zoo. What do they call this? Phoenix Zoo.

Phoenix Zoo. OK. World in there. Well, there's a little bit. And I think there's like I think we have the World Wildlife Wildlife World Zoo. So I think that's what it is. Anyways, the Phoenix Zoo. There's like this little island where all these little monkeys.

With the monkeys? Yeah. And they're small monkeys. These aren't orangutans. They call it Monkey Island. Do they really? No. I'll bet they do, and you're wrong because it's an island full of monkeys.

Of course they call it Monkey Island. I believe they're gibbons. Then I'm giving them a chance to climb all over me because they are. Give me some Gibbons. Yeah. That's where I want to be. I want to be on the island with all the little monkeys. I've seen people who've done excursions where they have these little monkeys that can climb all over them.

And they're adorable and cute and fun. They steal your stuff. Of course they do. I've seen a boo. I know what a boo is a boo. Has anybody ridden a rhino? Yes. Certainly.

That has to have happened. But not a lot, right? In the history of. Not a lot. No, because you only ride one once. Really? Yeah, because then you get the horn. I mean, if you're strapped on there tight, you can't go nowhere, right?

I don't know that there is. I'm just going to say. Would they eventually relent and then you tame it? I don't know that there is. I'm just going to say this. Would they eventually relent and then you tame it? I don't think there's a saddle. I don't think anyone has ever saddled a rhino. I'm also guessing that eventually the rhino would figure out that if it lays down. Oh, it'll squish you. Yes.

Well, it would have to lay down and roll up. Do rhinos lay on their side? It can. If it wants to get a person off its back. But can it? Can it get up from its side? It can full roll. Wait, hold on, Jason.

Do you think that a rhinoceros, as soon as it's born and gets on its legs, it spends the rest of its life standing? Well, it lays. I mean, it's a lot lighter when it's born. Yeah, I do think. Okay, whatever. An adult rhino. What do you think they do at night right now?

Don't certain animals sleep standing up? Sometimes? Like a horse? No No I mean cows That's a lie? The horse is a lie?

Yeah horses lay down What about the cows? Yeah cows Because you tip them over Cows sleep standing up Exactly What's the difference between a cow and a rhino? Nothing

A big horn I think we learned on this show a long time ago The difference between a cow and a rhino? Nothing. A big horn. I think we learned on this show a long time ago the difference between a horse and a cow. Because you can't milk a horse. And I don't think you can milk a rhino. Okay. No, you can't. No, you can't.

No, you can't. All right. Well, are we ready to move on? I'm really excited about this draft. All right. The Spitballers draft they got rhinoceroses in my head which might mess me up for this draft but uh we are drafting things to blow up with a stick of dynamite blow up a rhino no i won't i won't mike don't worry about that think of the kids they're endangered, Mike. Don't worry about that. Think of the kids. They're endangered. Yeah.

Hippos weren't endangered from that other episode. They are dangerous. Yeah. Well, not that one anymore. All right. Things to blow up with a stick of dynamite. Mike, you have the first pick. There are, I think, a few ways to think about this. There is just, like, scale, but pure entertainment factor.

I personally haven't blown anything up with a stick of dynamite yet. I'm 37 years old. I still have hopes and dreams. There's still time. I know you have to go to school for that, right? Yeah. You got to get like a- Dino school?

Dino school? No, that's for the swords. Oh, that's for the swords. That's for the swords. But Mike, you have the first pick. What would you like to blow up with a stick of dynamite? You get the first pick. I get my pick of the litter.

You get your pick of the litter. For the clear and obvious draft of things you want to blow up with dynamite. Okay, if you've been a listener of this show for any amount of time, Okay, if you've been a listener of this show for any amount of time, you realize that we are not three adults nearing 40. We are, in fact, three adolescent children. Setting the table for this pick. And how am I going to enact on that?

I'm blowing up a septic tank. Oh, that's so good it's so gross okay i'm i'm clearly behind a wall but i'm blowing up a septic tank and we're letting the we're letting the poo fly oh my goodness that was not on my list and yet that's a one-on-one word. I mean, that makes perfect sense. You are raining down a massacre on whatever. You better have more than a wall. You better be. It's chocolate rain. Oh. Oh, gross.

You're blowing up a septic tank. Oh, brother. Okay. Follow that one, Jason. Stick a dynamite in the septic tank. By the way, the rest of my picks, not nearly as good. Well, I'm glad you had the first pick. To do that, could you flush the stick of dynamite?

Sure. Well, I mean, is that the pathway? How long would it take to travel? Oh, not very long. I know that some wicks can stay lit underwater, but I would imagine most pools of water would put out a wick. Whatever. That's not water! Put it in a baggie.

I am blowing up something that will be a lot cleaner. Just because literally everything would be a lot cleaner. But it should be more of a show. It should be a real cleaner um but it should be more of a show uh you know it should be a real big fun time and i'm gonna put my stick of dynamite in a fireworks factory oh i'm gonna blow up things that blow up and just cause a chain reaction of uh it just goes kaboom there's really no show

well they're gonna be things shooting up he's just trying to make that stick of dynamite do more damage that's right you're so you think like you're thinking of uh like the naked gun when he's nothing to see here but it's just a fireworks show behind that's right i'm just gonna okay i'm gonna cause anarchy with a fireworks dynamite explosion. Okay, so I am on the clock. I have a couple of interesting picks. My first pick might be Messier Than Mike's. Oh, no. Oh, my.

And look, there's a proof of concept out there. I thought this one was coming back to me. It happened in 1970 on the coast of Oregon. Darn it. Yeah, I should have gotten this one first. And it's famous. The molasses factory? No, no, no, Mike.

Unfortunately, a very large sea creature washed up on the shore. And the solution that this crack squad of Oregonians what should we do to this whale they blew up the whale with a stick of dynamite to get rid because what do you do it's ingenious I mean it's too big how are you gonna move it what are you gonna do with this rotting dead whale and I don't want to blow up another you know poor innocent creature like our things to throw off a building draft although i stand by it that hippo had it coming oh it's a murderer um but i'm gonna go with a whale as my first pick because that is a massive amount of flesh so their solution was we don't want to have this one giant isolated piece of rotting carcass.

We would rather have an innumerous amount of whale blubber and rotting carcass spread out over our entire beach. That is right. That is right. But at least they could move that. At least they could move that. Imagine being in on that meeting. Hey, guys. Listen to this.

I got an idea. What if we blow that? Who's got some ideas? Should we get a giant piece of machinery, maybe pick it up and move it? Nah, nah, nah. Listen. Eli had an idea. My son Eli was like, why don't you just blow that?

Sounds good. So there's bear. All in favor? The eyes have it. The eyes have it. The eyes have it. And that whale, a piece of that whale went home with everybody in that entire town that day. That's true. All right.

Second pick. It was a whale-y good idea. Yeah, that was a great one. Look, this one is, was a last second thought, but it has the effect of a bit of a party trick or almost something like, look, you know how you go to a kid's birthday party and they hit the pinata?

Why don't we dynamite up a vending machine and distribute some delicious treats? I think most of the treats would not be edible. up a vending machine. Oh. And distribute some delicious treats. I think most of the treats would not be edible. I said distribute some delicious treats. Yeah. It'll be fun to watch the explosion and then maybe. Maybe find a piece of candy not melted into the wrapper. Yeah.

Maybe a Kit Kat drops into my hand. You just catch it out of the air. I mean, you said chocolate rain. This is chocolate rain. All right. So those are my two picks. Yeah. Okay.

All right. Well, man, I was sure to take my dead meat whale here. You were going to the whale? Oh, yeah. That is a shame. I am going with something. Like, there are, obviously, Mike, you caused anarchy. I wanted a show.

But there's another reason to use dynamite. It's hatred. It's pure. Yeah. It can be a weapon of destruction. Hatred to destroy something that shouldn't exist. And I will draft. Are we going back to this?

I'm going to the prius and i am blowing up a prius now there's no one in it no no no goodness no driver it's just the driver no one no real humans are in this just a prius driver no just the prius because the joy have you ever driven a prius no because then I would be the worst. We need to get you behind the... Maybe it's a great car. Listen to me. Listen. I've never driven one. If I get behind the wheel of a

Prius, when I am on the road, I will be an idiot because the car will take over. It is not me. It is the vehicle. Are you sure, sir? You don't want to go 10 miles below the speed limit. I to go 10 miles below the speed limit. I will go 10 miles below the speed limit, but then I will get into the turn lane a little later than I should have.

Change lanes now. Change lanes now. I'll certainly run that red light. I'll do everything wrong because I'm in a Prius, and I will blow up that Prius right when I get out of it. Well, you are a vindictive one, so that makes sense. There you go. Mike, you've got a couple of picks.

All right. One of my excellent picks now would feel more like a duplicate of Jason's, so that's upsetting because I was very excited for that pick. We're going to go just a good old-fashioned, look, when it's all Hallow's Eve, some pranks are abound, and I think this is not an uncommon thing. I've never experienced it. But let's get messy again.

We're going to blow up a pumpkin. Oh, boy. It's small. It'll be a decent size, but simple, elegant, fun. Now, people blow pumpkins up, but they don't use dynamite. No, not usually. So this thing's going to get eviscerated. You're going to want the high-speed camera because that thing will be gone in a millisecond.

There will be pumpkin a mile away. Okay. Maybe I catch some pumpkin seeds. If Andy's catching candy, I'm catching pumpkin seeds for me to bake later. You're catching them right in the... They're going to go through you like bullets. Just kissing them right in the abdomen. Yeah.

That will smell. I mean, pumpkins smell. Yeah. Yeah. Who right in the abdomen? Yeah. That will smell. I mean, pumpkins smell. Yeah. Yeah. Who's on the list? They're really unpleasant. Yeah, other than the whole, the pies are great. But that's because it has very little to do with the pumpkin.

It's nothing to do with pumpkin. It's pumpkin spice, which is not pumpkin. Okay. All right, that's one of the picks. The other one, I don't know how this would go. That's why I want to blow it up with a stick of dynamite. Let's just see what happens. That's part of this.

Curiosity. I'm going with an aquarium. It was on my list. Seriously? Yes. You get glass, water, poor little fishies. I mean, they're sleeping with the fishies at that point. For science.

An aquarium was- Sorry, shouldn't have been there. Now, are you talking like if you had, let's say, three hours of unsupervised time at a zoo? Are you talking a big boy aquarium at the zoo? Well, bigger is better, right? I think it would be. This feels like an action movie scene right like the aquarium explodes and then the hero runs and bursts through it so i i had a my my next pick

was probably going to be a pool because uh the idea of just a pool just a just you know that's a great that would have been a great if you could put like a ziploc bag dynamite right in the middle of the pool and just see what happens how much water is left i this is for science i don't know does it all go away it can't all go away no probably not maybe a quarter of it uh yeah i'm gonna guess a third but i mean who knows a quarter a third right very different let's discuss um but i feel like i can't draft that now because of your aquarium oh that's a shame because I don't have a very large list here. What I do have is going to kind of be between Mike's septic tank and my fireworks factory. Okay.

I mean, if you're going to do dynamite, if you're going to blow something up, let's go for it, guys. Let's really see what this thing can do i'm getting a thousand gallon propane tank and we're going kaboom okay wow that would be a problem that would be a real problem hope i'm not near a forest now al because that's because i'll cause a forest fire um al have you uh any knowledge here like if you put a stick of dynamite right next to a propane tank is that gonna blow it up like how strong is that propane tank i don't know i would imagine it would okay blow it up all right you are causing some serious havoc to this town yeah i mean i just watched the who gave jason the dynamite and he wanted the whale so you were going to blow up a

fireworks factory i had a pool in there that would have been just normal and nice um nice nice blew up your pool all right my my next pick i have my final two picks here um i am returning to the pool because my pool wasn't filled with water when I did this. Okay. I'm blowing up a pool full of jello. Okay. I think that would be very interesting. I'm curious. I'm curious what happens.

Okay. So a pool full of jelly. Yeah, I mean, it's full of jello. Not jelly. Jello. Jello. Jello. Yeah, how dare you?

Jello. How dare you? Part of me in the cartoon world thinks like it would contain the explosion it would just go and then return and then return to shape yeah that's the hope and again at the end of this i might be eating a delicious snack from across the yard and they're just little um and then the last one again it almost feels like a cartoon pick but an ant hill oh yeah oh get ants get out of my life i mean don't murder an ant there's different ways to take care of ants and this is one of them a stick of dynamite ants are the worst do you uh do you want me to

take care of this ant problem you have? I could put some pellets down there. No, I got it. I got it. Put this down there. Did you remember seeing that? There's a viral video of a guy who's getting rid of a, I guess that was like a groundhog or something.

Yeah, it was like a. Something that had dug some tunnels in his yard. Like a mole. Yeah, and then he like blows up his entire yard. Oh, yeah. His whole. Yeah, and himself. Like a mole. Yeah. And then he like blows up his entire yard. Oh, yeah. His dogs. Yeah. And himself.

You buffoon. All right. So that's my final pick. An ant hill. Okay. I figure I'll get the queen ant with that. Stick it to that. Is there a queen ant?

Yeah. Is it like bees? There's always a queen. There's definitely a queen. Because the whole point of the bait is they bring the bait to the queen. Really? Yeah. So what do you think the bait's doing bring the bait to the queen. Really? Yeah. What do you think the bait's doing?

That they're all eating it? Each one? Yeah, the worker ants go and grab it and they bring it back to the food. No, they bring it back to the queen. They're like, Steve! Steve! Jackpot! Check out what I found. This jelly. This doesn't taste so good.

No, it tastes delicious for ants. There you go. The queen is the mother of all the ants. Well, that makes sense. All right. I am really, really low on my list here. So I'm going to go and solve a personal problem. That's all I'm going to do.

I'm not going to. This one's not cool. This one's not like like oh man this is gonna cause poop to rain down this is like some kind of like a like a lipo thing uh no that would cause death not that personal more property personal oh my bad um but where these other two buffoons live is on the street. We basically all somehow magically live on the same street. Yes. But I'm in a totally different neighborhood.

The back of my fence goes up to the other side of the neighborhood that you guys are in. I'm going to blow that fence up, sucker. Are you trying to get us a path? Yeah. I mean, we've talked about tunneling. We've talked about a bridge. Let's just blow up that. I'm tearing down walls, man.

You just blew the neighbor's house up. Mr. Gorbachev blown up that wall. It's the only way to overcome the obstacles here. Yeah, my backyard wall. It's gone. My yard just got bigger. You're just blowing up a wall yeah i mean yeah that's the front yard of two other houses but i don't care it's a hole now

all right mike you are back on the clock i mean that was this draft that was very that was niche that was fiery and full of passion now we're neighbors and we were already there i had to go around the block. I didn't like that. Alright. It's inconvenient. My final pick, I have the concept in my head and I don't know exactly

what I would be building, but I want to build like a giant Lego statue. And blow it up and just see what happens. Can you actually destroy a Lego? Yep. Can you? Can you?

Yeah, with dynamite. You think dynamite? I don't know that dynamite will do it. I think you're just going to break the Lego set. Oh. Yeah. I have a feeling there'll be some damage to the Legos. I'm not sure.

Charred? There's a little black on one of them? Yeah. You just rub off the soot, and it's good to go. Okay. Legos are very hardy. They're going to get melted. Yeah.

Maybe. Here were some other picks that I had watermelon, but I wasn't going to take it with the pumpkin. Yep. Your Enemy. Oh, okay. Which there was something mentally funny to me. About murder. No. It was just so fun. so fun i was like oh you could murder someone there's the idea of like you know how people mail bombs and stuff but instead in this situation they open the box and they're it's a stick of dynamite

wiley opens his mailbox uh but another one I had was a fragrance store. Oh, Ulta was on my list. Oh, really? Yeah, just because there's a lot of chemicals. I want to see what happens. Okay. But yeah, Aquarium was on the list. I had a printer.

I thought about it. I mean, it's like the one piece of technology that they can't just get to work right. Just make printers work. technology that they can't just get to work right. Just make printers work. And the, I mean, you're at your firework factory and then you took it to a whole nother level propane, a propane tank. But my, my elegant solution was simply more dynamite. Oh yes. A dynamite shop. It was just going to be my, what would I like to blow up with a stick of dynamite? More dynamite, please.

Al, is there anything, I had a bus. I thought a bus would be funny to blow up with a stick of dynamite more dynamite please Al is there anything I had a bus I thought a bus would be funny to blow up to not with people of course just the Prius drivers Al did you have anything else that we omitted I know that you know no this was a tough one I was brainstorming before but no you got most of it

how do we do what about a nuclear reactor better than I did alright one more thing. What did we learn today? I mean, I learned that you should not hop in the lion's den. Oh, you are welcome. Thank you. I learned you can get to the front of a lion by simply saying, I need to get to the front.

I learned that it takes like two to three months before you have to really empty one of those toilets. Oh, goodness gracious. Stanky. Maybe we should all switch our toilets out in our house. The sewer works just fine for me. That'll do it for the Spitballers. Next week, the most epic scat of all time.

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