Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 165: Domestic Pooping & The Worst Things To Find Under Your Pillow - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

You’ve waited long enough. The much-anticipated Owl scat sequel is here. Try not to step in it on your way in. We then discuss if we would rather have our wives or our children host the podcast in our absence. After talking through making our own clothes, biker bar karaoke, and defining an appliance, we close it down with a draft of the worst things to find under your pillow. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Beep-a-dop-bop-bop-doop-dop-a-doop-dop. Oh, hey. I didn't know you were going to catch me warming up for my big scat intro that I may or may not be doing on this episode. I don't know. But, hey, thank you for tuning in. If you like this show, you're a great person. You want to support this show, join the spit.com,

and you get cool things like you can get an ad-free show, and you get episodes before anybody else, and you can rub it in their big, stupid faces for not supporting this podcast. Check it out. Join the spit.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I need a lizard, a gizzard. Yes, I'm your local wizard. Huzzah! Yes, dang it. Dang it. So you two liked that.

I did. I liked it liked that. I did. I liked it a lot. I mean, I knew. No, no. I loved it. Yeah. Are you kidding me? It was, it rhymed.

It was topical. I mean, it was a written rap. Well, you didn't expect something else, did you? No, I didn't. I didn't. I know he's been prepping this for months. That's what he did the first time, and it was great. Jason, we've been over this. I know. I call foul. I know he's been prepping this for months. That's what he did the first time, and it was great. Jason, we've been over this.

I know. I call foul ball. I call foul ball, and I want another one. You're not going to get one. We can't redo the music and make him scat twice? What kind of world is this? He needs a lizard, a gizzard, because he's the local wizard. Wait, hold on.

Hold on. Hey, what's a gizzard? Oh, cut your gizzard out. Right, but where is it? It's something in the neck. All right. Chickens have one, for sure, and people eat it. Is Owl Borland the local wizard?

He might be. At this point, he's been esteemed by the spitwads for a long time. That's true. He's gone way too high of a pedestalal and now it's just even higher after that one they love him he tried to get one over on us for those out there yes yes very important that we bring this up while we are recording we have a spectacular episode 165 for you would you rather great question and a draft of the worst things welcome to the spit bars podcast if you've never joined us before this is not normal no we would never let that man scat more than once every 80 episodes.

But right before the episode, he's like, okay, Jason is the number one pick and he's got the scat. But I told Mike before, I said, you know, he's prepped up. And that wasn't off the cuff. He knew that if we caught him, he would have something. Now, Al Borland. Did you pull out a scroll with that written on it? I did not. No, but did you – give me the percentage.

Percentage that you thought we had forgotten and Jason was actually going to do the scat. That's a good question. 87. Oh, so you really thought you were getting out of it. I 100% did. I toldoks the same thing i'm gonna i'm gonna defend oh because we're in a hurry it's football season okay yeah yeah

yeah i'm gonna say something to defend al something i i would never do normally but i've had probably i don't know four or five times where i've kind of thought about the scat in a more advanced way like al just did and i've messed them up. Because if you get going and you mess up your rhythm like that, it's a problem. Yeah, well, Al's a musical man. What if Gizzard didn't come out right? And then it's all over after that. It does sound like a word that there could be some dangerous slip-ups.

Right. Episode 165 of the show. Also spelled with two Z's. A gizzard is a muscular thick walled part. Oh it's a turkey right? And it's a bird's stomach. I thought it was in the neck. So what would be more delicious technically

to eat? A lizard or a gizzard? Probably the gizzard. People eat that. It's on the inside. And that's on a menu like you can get gizzards i've never seen a lizard on a menu i've seen an alligator a gizzard at where do you eat very fancy places apparently oh that's not a fancy place that's more like when you're eating at the restaurant that's at like the bass pro Bass Pro Shop. You know what I mean? You're not at a fancy place here. This is just, yeah, we can eat here, too.

The built-in. The Bass Pro Shop. Yeah. I'm just imagining. You ever eaten at that restaurant? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Is that they're saying, yeah, you can eat there, too? Hold on.

Is this a real place? This is a real place, man. No. Yeah, you go into some of these, like, these, you know. Cabela's. Yeah, exactly. They have a restaurant in there. They have food?

Oh, yeah. And they're going to have snake on the menu. They're going to have gator on the menu. They're going to. I mean, they're. And then wild game like gizzard. Mm-hmm. All right.

My mind is blown right now. Thank you for listening. If you're still listening, let's do some Would You Rather. Would you rather? Dude, look, super low calorie. I was thinking of the waddle. Waddle, waddle. It hangs from the neck of a turkey.

I thought that was the same as- Oh, is that called the waddle? W-A-T-T-L-E, the waddle. That is correct. Unless it's the waddle. Which is what a baby shakes. It's covered in car car uncles yes which are the little pumps yes car uncles car uncles i don't know work that into a scat would you rather from

kyle on patreon the three of you must leave town for a business trip but due to contractual obligations with advertisers the show must go on would you rather your wives or your kids host an entire episode of the spitballers? Oh, man. So Al's not only doing the scat, he's trying to get us killed. Yeah, no. I mean, I would put my wife on. I think she would crush it. The two of us met at a comedy improv group.

She gives me usually every draft I'm coming into. I've got two or three suggestions from her. So I think she's waiting in the wings just just just waiting for me to die so she can try to step she's like man you know if i start getting sick she's poisoning me because she wants on the show it's tough because my quick answer would have been like okay let let the wife come in here and do that but man do my kids know this show? Every episode. Nathan, my 10-year-old, has listened to every episode at least twice. So he may be able to hold, he could definitely hold a draft down unless it was about pop culture that he didn't know.

I will publicly bring something up now that there has been more than one occasion that my wife has made a joke at home. And I'm like, oh, that's a good joke. Stealing that. And I will bring it. And I will put it in my bucket. And then at the right time, that joke will come out.

And it will slay. And I will take all of the admiration. And then I will tell her, oh, I told that joke. And she's like, wait, did you give me credit? I'll say, no, I did not. 100 not 100 the same i did not give you any credit uh but the true answer to this question is i gotta go um i think everyone thinks their kids are funny my kids are funny but my youngest has literally no filter for any social circumstance. This dude is a savage, and whatever he is thinking,

he will just blurt it out. So maybe the last episode. Yeah, it might be, but when it comes to radio or podcasting, I think that he would probably draw a very large crowd unintentionally. All right, Randy from the website, would you rather sleep on a cot or a hammock for the rest of your life? Oh, man. Ain't no cot holding me.

Now, a cot is, I mean, someone define a cot. Okay, here's my, while you look up the proper definition, here's the Jason brain definition. A cot is a little tiny bed that folds up and can then go into like a little bag. That's what a cot is to me. So this has to be some collapsible, unfoldable. A camp bed, particularly a portable collapsible one. Boom. And they can't hold this fella.

Not happening. There's no Team Hefty Boys cot? Well, look. Jason, there is a business opportunity. The weight, I'm sure, is fine. I'm sure they make it with some kind of galvanized aluminum that has the structural integrity. The collapsible part is really what holds it back. It's not.

It's the cloth part. I don't know if you know this, but these cots where you stretch the fabric out over the metal frame, they're the loudest thing in existence. If you're on that cot and you move. What kind of sound? Oh, oh. Just like the- The creaking?

Yeah, the creaking fabric. And this is when children are on it. Help me. This is when kids are on it. Help. If I'm on there, no one else is sleeping because if I move one inch, it's just going to be ah. More noisy.

It's so wonderful anyways. Well, more noisy. A cot or an inflatable mattress? A cot. A cot. Yeah. Really? It's the metal A cot. Yeah. Really? It's the metal parts involved.

Yeah, you can get quiet inflatable mattresses. WD-40. I like to spray my bed down before I go to bed. Get a nice, wet sleep. I did that to somebody one time. Deep sleep. Jason's right. That material, it's like a canvas, and it's stretched like a drum head,

and it just makes a ton of noise. That's a good comp. It's like you're sleeping on a drum. If you wanted to actually get some sticks out and set up a cot and play some music, you can succeed. Now, a hammock's great. Hammocks are awesome. Now, it's implied a hammock's going to be outside, no matter what. Well, I believe they only work between trees if it's a a hammock's going to be outside no matter what. Well, it's only, I believe, they only work between trees if it's a real hammock.

Yeah. So, I mean, you're going to be, I mean, I just didn't know if that factored in the rest of your life. Will you sleep outside the rest of your life? Like, a hammock's nice on a warm summer's day, but rain, sleet, snow, tree branches, I mean, they can all come down on you. I feel like I could put, you know, I could be outside and put some structure up around it. Like a cot up above you? Right, exactly. Like, I sleep under the cot on a hammock.

I stretch this canvas. So are you the monster? Am I the monster? The monster under your bed? Oh, I guess if I'm under the cot, I would be the monster. The hammock monster. And y'all should be free. Mike, are you a hammock or a cot? I would be the monster. The hammock monster. And y'all should be afraid.

Mike, are you a hammock or a cot? I don't have a ton of hammock experience. That's a shame. I've been in one. You've never been in a hammock. Well, once you get in a hammock. It's hard to get out. Getting out of a hammock is nearly impossible without just toppling over.

Like a full spin. And falling on your face. Okay. I'm sure there's a technique that I don't know about with my lack of experience. Well, what do you, but sleeping outside all the time. The outside is a huge problem. It's uncivilized. The outside is a huge problem, but I will say this. Andy has hammocks up at his family's cabin and I have recently gone up there and laid

in one and it's so nice it is such a delight when you talk about getting out of this i need to make sure all phones are in my hands or put away that there can be no video evidence of me trying to get out of this hammock because this is an embarrassment i mean i will love being... Should I go back to the video archives and take a little... Oh, man. Getting out of a hammock is its own sport. Put it in the Olympics. Yeah. All right. K.O. from

Patreon. Would you rather have to craft all your pants out of old shirts or craft all your shirts out of old pants? No help from your wives or anybody else. Which is the one that most easily... Oh.

It's got to be putting the shirt on as shorts. Yeah, you've never done that? Plus, you got to... Come on. You got to easy. Come on. Yeah, I mean, one sleeve, one sleeve, and you're pretty much done.

And then your poop hole. Yeah, you just... You might want to sew up one of the holes right um you know or at least put a button on it so my god tell me honestly you've never done that i'm sure as a child i've put a shirt on like look yourself in the but i've also put pants on like a shirt i'll be honest with you i've never done that you never put your arms through both legs and pulled them up. I will. Where does your head go?

Yeah, that's really the problem. Right in the crotch. I don't have any memory of doing the shirt as shorts maneuver. You have to try it. Until tomorrow. Tomorrow I will have a memory for sure of trying on a shirt as bottoms. And I will wear it for at least 15 minutes. You get me the shirt, and just give me a stapler.

And you're good. And we're good to go. This thing is ready for live action. The other problem is all of my pants are jeans. There's not enough material. I don't want to wear hot jean shirts. It would be like wearing a Gildan. It wouldn't be that.

It would be you having one jean leg on one arm, one jean leg on the other, and you're bare chested and bare back. I can sew. You're just peeking out the zipper. You can't sew some material into enough material. Like a cyclops? You tell me that there's enough material inside of one pair of jeans to be a nice shirt? Well, it doesn't say that it has to be one pair of jeans to be a nice shirt well it doesn't say that it has to be one

pair of pants it says you craft all your pants out of your old shirts or you craft all your shirts out of your old loophole so you're you're cutting these you know maybe you have to cut them up sew them together patch them patch them together but so let's say i'm a perfect seamstress if that's what i would be and um you cut seamsters is it a seamster i was thinking the same thing would i be a seamstress or would i be a seamster uh producers please i've never heard of a seamster i have not this is like the whole ballet thing the term for the male counterpart to a seamstress is a seamster oh man yeah all right you always have been a spinster so um if i was a seamster i don't think I would enjoy a perfectly tailored jean t-shirt.

I mean, I can't imagine just about anything worse than putting on a jean material t-shirt. That's awful. Agreed. Just let me wear my shirts as pants. I feel like I would have to band-aid my nips. You know what I mean? Like, that would be uncomfortable. Some real chafage going on.

Yeah. What are you using the zipper for? That's where you look out. It's your eye hole. It's a mask as well? Yeah. Wait, you're putting... You don't... See, I usually bring my shirt past my head. He's not as much of a seamster. So he would be...

I would just leave it right in front of my belly button. Just that way, you know, maybe I've got a nice belly button ring. Oh, the zipper? Yeah, I can unzip, let that hang out. Rick from the website, it is Friday night, so you're obviously wearing your Superman costume. Obviously. With

your bright red cape. Would you rather be dropped into a bullfighting ring or dropped into the toughest biker bar in America into the toughest biker bar in america um the toughest biker bar please okay now here's here's why i believe there is a chance that i can go into the toughest biker bar in america and not get in a fight i think i could do it i think i could walk in even looking dumb and walk out i don't know if there's a chance that i get put next to a bull in a red cape i don't get a choice and i feel like i can't talk this bull down i can't be like no no no it's good i'm not going to hurt you whereas the i presume most of the bikers do you think you could have a like go into a biker bar dress like that and hang out and have a few beers and then walk out and be all right?

I think I could win them over. I think easily. Bikers, I get that they have the reputation, tough guys. You know, we ride together and we go to the bar. You're telling me they don't like Superman? They were little boys at one point. They grew up wanting to be Superman? I think they grew up wanting to be Lex Luthor.

I think it's a facade. I think these biker guys are real gentle on the inside. They're just teddy bears on the inside. Throwing them in a lump is not fair. No. There are many great bikers. Yeah, and I'm sure there's... But the cliche biker beats the crap out of Superman. Well, not fair. No. There are many great bikers. Yeah, and I'm sure there's... But the cliche biker beats the crap out of Superman.

Well, not the real Superman. Well, okay, all right. I mean, how is Kryptonite involved? And which color? And that's bragging rights for a biker. To beat up Superman? Yeah. That is true.

That's a good story. I feel like you could go into a biker bar as Superman, and it would be okay. If I went into a biker bar as Superman, my goal is to leave that night after a giant karaoke party. I'm going to get them all in. I'm going to get these guys celebrating Superman and music. I want just you. No costume in a biker bar.

Just Jason. See, I would actually. Yes, it is Leslie. I feel like it would be more of an icebreaker, and I would feel more comfortable in a Superman suit, even as a very fat Superman. I would feel like that Fuperman. It would break the ice.

It would tear down their walls. They would look at me with pure anger and evil intentions at first, first and then as i walk by i think i could get him to give a good chuckle and then what if it says bikers suck on the back of your cape now we're in the impractical jokers and i'm in a punishment that's cheating let's move on spit wads this is finally the time that you sign up for HelloFresh. You've heard us talk about it. You get the fresh pre-measured ingredients, mouthwatering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door.

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Go to HelloFresh.com slash Spitballers14 and use the code Spitballers14 for up to 14 free meals, including free shipping. Once again, for up to 14 free meals and free shipping, go to HelloFresh.com slash spitballers14 and use the code spitballers14 hello fresh america's number one meal kit that's a great question spencer from the, a very simple question. Is a toilet an appliance? Is a toilet an appliance? And I can see, I mean, to me, my gut reaction is no, it's not. Why is that? Multiple reasons.

I can only come up with one. Well, I've got two. Because it's not in the kitchen? No. But your air conditioners are in an appliance? Your AC is an appliance? Yeah. Yeah, it is.

What? I think so. But that kind of submarines my arguments here. The toilet doesn't use any electricity. Yours doesn't. That was my number one. Neither does yours. You have a supplemental bidet.

You do not have your main. You don't use power. You don't plug your toilet in. Okay, that's fair. They do in Japan, but they don't do it here. And then the other is that if I go to a Best Buy, I ain't buying any toilets. I mean, it's an appliance store. Okay, that's a very strong argument.

They don't have any toilets. But are they an appliance store, or do they just sell refrigerators and microwaves? Lowe's, Home Depot, you can buy toilets but not in the appliance section. Is there an appliance section or is it the fridge? Yeah, it says appliances. I think there's a kitchen section, a bathroom section. It says appliances. I think it says kitchen.

Now, real quick. Al, you know about these stores. You've been into one. I think there's an appliance section. The first time he's ever agreed with me. 165 episodes. Now, I have a close friend of our family's who has a Toto toilet. Who is an appliance.

Who has a Toto toilet. Not a bidet topper that replaces the seat, but the whole thing is a bidet. And that plugs into power. They live in Kansas? No, they're here in Peoria, Arizona. He was mad at my joke, and then he threw that out there. Jason didn't even get my joke. I did not.

It wasn't a joke. It was a clever quip. It was a total quip, but now I'm ruining it. Here's the thing. I said in Japan. You chuckled. You chuckled. Go be big, tough guy in the biker bar now. Thank you. Six. That's above average. I'll give it a six. That's above average. You chuckled. Oh, go be big, tough guy in the biker bar now.

Thank you. Six. That's above average. I'll give it a six. That's above average. Because he laughed. He had no choice. They do make high-tech toilets.

So what crosses over into an appliance? Because this probably applies to other things in your home. No one's calling other things you sit on. A chair's not an appliance. Well, hold on. Just because you plug it in. What if it's a massage chair? Not an appliance. Okay. It because you plug it in. What if it's a massage chair? Not an appliance.

Okay. It has to do something practical for you. A job. That's the way to put it. Well, it does a very important job. I don't know about your toilets, but mine does a job I don't want anything else doing. It's a janitor. Dang it.

Yeah. Well, is it a garbage can that's plugged in an appliance? A trash compactor? Yeah, that is. Is that an appliance? A compactor is an appliance. That's an industrial machine. Yeah, but a garbage can is not.

So where is that bridge? What's a garbage disposal? That's an appliance for sure. I mean, that's just easy. If you, okay, let me, I got another one for you. You're going to a wedding of some close friends. They say we need appliances for our new apartment are you getting them a toilet no no you're not is a blender an appliance yeah

big time that's the like a picture of an appliance that's the poor man's appliance what's an appliance to you wait but here's the thing you get a Vitamix but here's the rich man's appliance here's the thing you get a home warranty right you buy a home you get a home warranty and that covers all your appliances i feel like toilets are covered but blenders aren't covered toilets are in the plumbing coverage blenders are not covered because they're too cheap and small wait toilets are in the plumbing so there is separate yeah plumbing coverage oh boom bam but the blender is an appliance and is not covered guess where you buy toilets at the lows in's. In the toilet section.

In the plumbing section. That is true. I think we've got an official answer. I think we have an official answer, but I also think that we need... The toilet is just... Metaphorically, literally, it's just getting crapped on. And we need to elevate the status of the toilet. If you can plug one into your kitchen. If you can plug one into a kitchen outlet then it becomes an appliance okay

al thinks he has the answer i had wait i thought i thought we had the answer i thought we knew that it wasn't but i just looked up the definition of an appliance okay oh definition smeth finish it is a device or piece of equipment designed to perform a specific task, typically a domestic one. If that ain't a toilet. I do all my pooping domestically. I have never done international pooping to this date that I can remember. At that point, I was in a diaper. You've done no international pooping in all your life?

Let me think about this. You did some pooping in Mexico, didn't you? No, but we did go to Canada. You pooped in canada you pooped in mexico or did you not poop did you hold it you say when you go on trips well when i when i camp i'm gonna hold that in i'm not going out in the woods okay um i'm just gonna so you do prefer a domestic poop i do i need my appliance al what were you gonna say you said you have the correct answer. I was just going to say generally a toilet is not considered an appliance. It's considered a plumbing fixture.

There you go. Fixture. That sounds right. Now, do you see, Al, any point in which that toilet could become an appliance or is that just... You had me convinced on the old once you plug it in, it becomes an appliance concept. Well, I'm glad we could answer

that definitively uh alec from the website how long is too long to use the bathroom at work when is it unfair to my employer because i've taken too long of a break when they notice well hold i mean like that's the first thought i have like if they don't notice that's not on you i feel like i have a different answer for my employees. Oh, then for you. Okay. And if you were an employee. Let's talk from the perspective of the employer. Okay.

All right, Mike, go. I mean, five minutes. Yeah. No, I mean, when would you start? When would you go from the compassion of, man, that guy's having a hard time, to the, hey, listen, some work's got to get done here. I am, look, things don't always move quickly. Sometimes there's a lot of things happening when I am doing my diligence.

Hopefully not too many things. There's a lot of things coming out. All right. But 30 minutes. I'll give somebody 30 minutes. What? Yes. You are a generous man.

That's the one hour shower. Oh, my goodness. Wait, you're saying at work you could get a whole lunch break on the toilet? That's incredible. I'm a generous man. You need to have poop integrity. I mean, if you're on the toilet and you're actually doing business, I don't want you coming back any sooner than you did.

That's what I'm saying. Until you're done. I understand. No way. If it's 30 minutes, let's just say that. If you need every ounce of 30 minutes, if that's your need, you've got to go home. You are sick. You should not be at my office.

There is a problem with your health. 30 minutes, it's like I take too long in the bathroom. I do. I do 100% of the time. minutes. It's like I take too long in the bathroom. I do. I do 100% of the time. When I go poop, it's too long. That's because I'm on my phone, not because I'm doing my business. I was going to bring it up.

The phones have created a world of like, hey, man, I'd like to go check my fantasy football team, and I guess I have to poop. I'm at a 10-minute pee. I'm saying 30 minutes because we've all had the poo where you're sitting there, you're 10, 15 minutes in, you're done. But you know that if I get up and go out, everyone will have heard the flush, everyone will see me return to the desk, and then you give me another 8 to 10 minutes,

and it's going to be right back in there. So I'm avoiding that situation by just barricading myself in the bathroom but there's a problem here other people might need to use it and while they won't want to use it no they definitely sometimes needs come before wants yeah but sometimes you know you're going to be running right back in there and that you don't want to give up your seat so it's a first in claim situation there's a land grab for toilets you're trying to get sometimes you could be chivalrous as they say and try to sneak out and let somebody else use it but what if they've got to go number two and you know you got to turn right back around i feel like 15 minutes is more than fair on both sides 15 minutes gives you plenty of time to do what you got to do and as as an employer i think that's fine over 15 i start to question what's going on in that room.

Okay. And I feel like, do we need a doctor? Because I will call a doctor for you. Do we need a doctor or does someone need to find a new job? New question. How long before you have to knock on the door? How long, you're the employer or another employee, how long before you are willing to check in on the person?

That's a full 30. 30 in the stall. Now, is that just a check-in? That's a, hey, how you doing? That's a knock and, Roger, you okay in there? Yeah, and then they're like, you know, making sure they're not throwing up or getting sick. And what if the response is just like, yeah, I'm okay.

Then you walk away. Yeah, you're free. See, I don't think it's 30 minutes is where I start talking behind their back. 30 minutes is where I'm starting to point out to the other coworkers, you know who's been in there for 30 minutes? 45 minutes we were having a blast joking about this. One hour, I am worried. And then how long until you just slide the pink slip right onto the door?

You're fired. That's a two-hour poop. But you have to have the verbal confirmation first that they are still alive and okay in there. Because you don't want to have a situation. Oh, you don't want to fire a dead person? You cannot fire a dead person. It's a bad look, bad for PR.

So you can't slide that pink slip under the door while they're just dead in their own poop. Right. You have some respect. Respect the deceased? respect the deceased respect the deceased and i guess a bathroom stall is one of the hardest places to identify a living or dead person because the smell is one of the the signals oh and it kind of it already smells kind of rough in there and i've heard you you poop when you die everything i've heard that i've heard some some do so it's an extra poo

dead poo yeah oh dead poo too i love love that movie all right matthew from patreon when does looking young for your age turn from annoying to flattering just give yourself yeah i gave myself an eight on that joke thank you when does looking young for your age turn from annoying to flattering? I can tell you, this is my life story. I mean, I lived my entire life looking younger than I wanted to look as a kid. Everyone always thought I was three or four grades younger than I was. That's a big gap. Yeah, late bloomer, thought I was the kindergartner getting a tour of the high school when I was a freshman in high school.

And everyone said, oh, you'll love it when you're older so what age did you actually love it because you hated it when you were 35 oh it took a minute yeah 35 turned from annoying to flattering yeah when you're young you don't want to hear that from people. Of course. And when you're old, you do. Yeah, like your mid-30s? Is he right on this, Jason? Yeah, I think you, now that I think about it, you are right. Because when you're in your 20s, you change to where you want to be respected as a full adult. You are, you know, when I'm 25 years old, I don't want to be thought of as a kid anymore. I mean, I was married. I'm a grownup.

But if I'm looked at like a child. When you get carded. No, you're still married. When you, when you get. Yes, I am. You said I was married. I said you still are. When you get carded for anything you need to be an adult for, 18 or 21, is that annoying

or is that flattering? Well, there's a, there there's a it changes back and then forth again like i'm annoyed now right like i've gotten back to annoyed where it's like dude look at this beard and this weight this doesn't happen on a 21 year old 35 year old weight look at these crow's feet yeah you see my hairline bro you do not need to card me. Let's move on here. That was a different time in my life. The first time I was like not carded. It was like, oh, yeah, good. Thank you.

It's like, wow. Stop wasting my time. I feel like it's younger for women. My wife, I'm sure, had a younger age at which it turned to flattery than I did. That makes sense. You know what I mean? I feel like for her it was probably mid-20s. For me, it's mid-30s.

I could be talked into 30 on the dot. If you're 30 and people think you're 20 something, I think that's the answer. That is the age. It is 30. You want to be thought of as like if someone says, oh, you're late 20s. You're like, nope, I'm 30.

What is the best age? The best age? The best age range for life. Your peak, you know, look, let me phrase it this way, okay? Okay. We do the fantasy footballers as our full-time job, and we do a ton of research and analytics, and we have established that a running back's peak performance is 24 years old.

Wide receiver's peak performance is 27 years old on average. Peak performance is 24 years old. Wide receivers peak performance is 27 years old on average. What is the peak performance of humanity for enjoyment? Like where do you peak? So it's not athletic performance. Correct. Is it happiness?

Yes. Is it proficiency? I'm talking about happiness. Just pure I love this age. I'm happy only because of the age I am, not my surroundings or how much money or my kids. Just I love this age. I'm happy only because of the age I am. Not my surroundings or how much money or my kids. Just I love this age. What if you've never hit it? Maybe you're like, I'm waiting for my 60s. It's more than 38 then for you.

To me, it's late 20s. Late 20s. I think late 20s is great. I would not imagine my happiest without my kids. I'm close to it i think 35 36 37 right where i'm at okay you started with 35 which you're yeah but i but i felt like i was then saying that i'm not happy now i get that i get that so and i'm not talking about you i'm talking about humanity well i think i think generally you have different struggles for different times of life right like? Like, do you need

money to be happy? Or do you need to be content? More money, more problems, man. Well, I mean, because most people reach their peak earning age around 40 or 45. So you oftentimes, if you're in your 20s, you're scrapping for, you might be having more fun in some ways, but you're

scrapping. Is that better? I don't know. We've gotten real philosophical here. It's 27 years old. Do you guys know Ed Asner? The actor? I have heard the name. He just passed away. Oh. And he's an amazing actor. But he was talking about like he was doing

acting up into his late 80s. Whoa, I spelled that right first try. He was the guy who did Up. He was the Up voice for the old band. Yeah. And they also animated it after Up. He was the Up voice for the old band. Yeah. And they also animated it after him. I did not realize that. Yeah, so he's amazing. His voice is amazing.

His acting's amazing. But what was amazing about... He's Santa Claus and Elf. Yeah. Oh, for real? He's incredible. Ed Asner's awesome. Just passed away.

He was acting until he was late 80s. Because acting's not a job. He said he was the best he ever was he was late 80s he said acting's not a job he said he was the best he ever was in his late 80s because he had so much experience learning all the nuance like the actual acting got better because how do you not have more i mean you can't have 60 years of experience as a 40 year old absolutely he's better at his, but I doubt he's going tubing down, you know, which is the key to life speed boat. Let's go. He's not hitting the salt river, not hitting the salt river,

having a good old time that way. So there's different peaks. But for me, I think. What's your age? Physical age, 27 years old. 27. Mike, the first thing that came to my mind was 28 to 32. And all just philosophize that it's when you can look back and be happy

and look forward and be happy. Oh. At the same time. That's very nice. At the same time. So then it's 5 to 95. I was going to go over 95 or under 5. 40 is all right.

I was going never. The key to life is knowing a few close friends that are a little bit older than you because you always feel young because you just make fun of them. Like you guys. That's why you just marry someone older than you. That was smart of you, Mike. Very, very smart.

All right, it's time to draft. When you're traveling to a destination where you don't know the language, it can be challenging to get things done because you can't communicate. My daughter desperately wants to go to Paris, France. Look, I don't speak French and I'm a little nervous about bringing my family over there when I don't speak the language, but I know that I can because I can log on to Babbel. They are the number one selling language learning app. Through Babbel's bite-sized lessons, you'll learn new language skills that you can actually use in the real world. From greetings, menus, directions, gaining a deeper understanding of the culture, Babbel is a travel essential. And they have 15-minute lessons and make it the perfect way to learn a language on the go.

Other language learning apps use AI for the lessons plans, but Babbel lessons were created by over 100 language experts. With Babbel, you can choose from 14 different languages, Spanish, French, Italian, German, and more. They have speech recognition technology that helps you improve your pronunciation and accent. Right now, you can purchase a three-month Babbel subscription and you're getting an additional three months for free. That's six months because three plus three, it's six. I got that simple math. Go to babbel.com. Use the promo code BALLERS. That's B-A-B-B-E-L.com. Code BALLERS for an extra three months for free babble language for life. The spit ballers draft.

I, I love drafts like this. It's imagination. The worst things you can find under your pillow. That's what we're drafting. Oh, we got a draft integrity question here. Sure. Cause owl did the

scat. And usually on the Spit Bars podcast if you scat, you have the first pick in the draft. But we also said that Jason will not be skipped on the scat.

Is this you trying to get a second first round pick? Nope. This is me asking the question, what do we do with the first pick? It goes to Jason. Okay. Totally. Only because we did that on show 80. All right.

But I will say this draft idea, what you find under your pillow. See, I thought the draft integrity was like, has to be something that can fit under your pillow, which I think is absolutely true. Yeah. I'd hate to find can fit under your pillow, which I think is absolutely true. Yeah. But. I'd hate to find a car under my pillow. Semi-truck.

What I was going to say is I love this idea. I love this draft. It's hilarious to me. And I feel like the idea is like seven things popped into my head and I was done thinking about it. So, Jason, what is the number one pick for worst things to find underneath your pillow? This was great. This is not one you can research.

This isn't one you can Google. This is one where you close your eyes, you lay your head down, you slide that hand under, and you go, oh, no. Yeah. Oh, no. Close your eyes with us unless you're driving. In honor of some of our questions today, it's doo-doo. Yeah.

There's a clear one. There's a clear number one. It's doo-doo. Yeah. There's a clear number one. It's poop. I don't want to reach my hand under that pillow and be like, what is that? And then you, because here's the deal. How do you tell what anything is? You know what I mean? You got to smell it.

You got to smell it. You got to smell it. And then you're going to regret having done that. The lights are off probably. You're in bed. Oh, that is. And how many whiffs do you give this thing? Oh, I'm only going to need one. This is fresh. It is warm. No, man. You're in bed. How many whiffs do you give this thing? Oh, I'm only going to need one.

This is fresh. It is warm. No, man, you're going in for more than one. No. My only hope is that when I went for the whiff, that I didn't get too close and dab it on my nose. And then all of a sudden, there's a whole new problem. That's the clear worst thing. Is part of the discovery here, like, how did this get here? Or is it just like the worst things? I mean, is that part of the discovery here like how did this get here or is it just

like the worst things i mean is that part of the comprehension absolutely when you're like the horse head in the bed when you're factoring in such important uh questions as this you have to really horse is literally on my list the horse i'm so mad that i don't think they can fit underneath the pillow of course it can what kind of baby pillows that you brought it up. I don't think that can fit underneath a pillow. Of course it can. What kind of baby pillows do you have over there, Holloway? I feel like that would become the pillow. You just wake up and your pillow's been replaced with a horse's head. And Brooks, he brings up, what if the way you discover this is that you're flipping your pillow to the cool side?

Oh, that's even worse. I do. I am a... How many times do you flip a pillow every night? I would say my over-under is probably like one and a half. I am a... How many times do you flip a pillow every night? I would say my over-under is probably at like one and a half. I am probably... Is that like a normal thing? People flip them all the time? Oh, my goodness.

I'm six or seven to get to sleep. I flip them a lot, and then I probably flip them once or twice through the night. Really? All for the just cooler side? Yep, 100%. I only do it if it's like I've been laying here in a while. I can't fall asleep. Let's flip it over

let's get cool all right well i i'm still gonna go with my pick here even though i feel like it obviously like poop is poop is terrible to find but there is something about like i mean i don't know maybe you find a maybe you're lucky maybe it's not a loose one but you're not gonna get lucky at all if you find a bunch of peanut butter under your pillow. So peanut butter is just... I'm just as scared. I'm scared for that smell because the lights... I think I reached my hand in the poop. And if you do find peanut butter under your pillow...

This is unbelievable. I had jelly on my list, and I feel like I can't take jelly now. Are you trying to get... You're throwing the sheets out with the poop, right? Oh, my goodness. Are you trying to get the peanut butter out or are you throwing those out too? No, you can wash peanut butter. That's the thing.

Then you have to wash peanut butter out of your sheets. That's fine because you could scrape the peanut butter off, throw the sheets in the washer. There's no chance. You don't wash and reuse poop sheets. Peanut butter is a strong smell too. It is. The question is once you know what it is how do you dispose of it off your fingers i'm probably just cleaning up right there okay which is not what you're doing

with the poop that is correct that is correct i mean i'm gonna wipe it but i'm not going to clean it with my mouth all right mike you have two picks uh if you have anything left on your list i do have you i mean you'll take jelly and horse's head. And you're just eliminating stuff for me. But number one, this was my first thought because I was trying to put myself. Yeah, put yourself. Okay, I'm laying down, and I'm a tummy sleeper.

So you lay down, you go to slide your hand, and all of a sudden, there's a porcupine under your pillow. Oh, yeah. That wouldn't be funny. Look, that's going to be a problem. Where did you come from, Mr. Porcupine? And I probably have a couple quills in my hand. Okay, so this wasn't a bite situation.

This was a quill right in the fingertip. And this is a dead porcupine then, right? I mean, why'd you go to sleep on a porcupine? But here's. Here's. So I said there's a porcupine under the pillow and Jason was worried about getting bit. A porcupine bite? Would you. Let me ask you something.

Would you enjoy a porcupine biting your finger? Are they known biters? Have they ever bit anything? Do they have mouths? They're covered in weapons. Yeah. Why they ever bit anything? Do they have mouths? They're covered in weapons. Why would they bite anything? It's like when a hornet goes up and bites you, right?

Yes, exactly. That's a good comp. Also, I'm realizing I thought they were carnivores. That is incorrect. A porcupine? You thought they were hunting out there? Well, I mean, they're made of weapons. I thought, yeah, like let's go kill something with these quills and eat it.

But they are herbivores. So, yeah, I'm more worried about the quills now. So you've got a porcupine under your pillow. That would be shocking. All right. And, I mean, it's all about finding gross stuff under there. Well, I mean, or dangerous things like a porcupine. I'm going to go with chewed gum.

All right. That was on the list. All right. I got you back for at least one of them. But you reach under. And I'm not talking. I wrote lots of bubble gum, like a whole bunch of gum. Yeah, I'm not talking.

It's been under there forever, and it's hardened up. No, this is gooey. You can flick it off. No, this is. Someone chewed it. Yes. And put it under there. You ever had the go to sleep with gum

problem? My sister had that happen to her. She chewed and fell asleep? She was chewing gum. Oh, the hair. That goes right in your hair. You wake up and we had to cut it out. We had to cut the gum out of the hair. Many times in my life I have had

long hair and I have had the gum in the hair. Ooh. The aforementioned, you found it under your pillow, Andy, but that's how you get it out. Peanut butter. What? You're coming over to my place? Yes. Peanut butter.

You're coming over? You can get gum out of hair with peanut butter? Yeah, it's something to do with the oils, and it's not a comfortable process at all. I have heard of that before. But yeah, you use peanut butter to get it out. Yeah. What do you do to get the peanut butter out? Then you use some bleach to get the peanut butter out.

This is a real old lady that swallowed the fly situation. For what it's worth, Jason, that is also one of the big cures for baldness. So peanut butter on the hair. Yeah, slather it on and put those pictures up. All right. I have a pick here, and I'm going to go with... Look, I'm reaching my hand under the pillow. I've had a long day.

Close my eyes. I reach the hand under. And gee golly, there's a bear trap. So I have a mouse trap on mine. No, you don't. Because that fits under a pillow. A bear trap will get under there better than a porcupine will i'll tell you that i mean obviously it's set a bear trap would be bad i feel

like the head would be the problem first i could be yeah yeah it could be yes i'm a light sleeper i don't think you need to reach your hand under to find out that the bear trap is there it that's i don't want to find one under my pillow i don't either no your hand under to find out that the bear trap is there that that's i don't want to find one under my pillow i don't either no your hand it's gone um and that's unfortunate it's definitely not what i don't want to lose my hand under a pillow all right or your life yeah or your life actually i guess i do want to lose my hand under the pillow because otherwise it's head or hand. So take my hand. Okay. So mousetrap, which was going to be my next pick because all I could think is like you can take a smaller, worse trap, like a better one to find.

Right. Like if I took peanut butter after poop. So all I could think about was putting my hand under and having something snap it. But I'm going to go a different route because of the fact that there is one thing that is very very very common to put under your pillow for the tooth fairy oh man yeah i don't want to find someone else's tooth it's under my pillow it is on my list teeth is on my yes oh a bunch of teeth under your pillow would be a weird thing we got there on it i wasn't even thinking about the tooth fairy i was just thinking about what would be very

disturbing to find yes teeth under a pillow would be come on man you guys are destroying your list well here let's see if this one's under there i was trying to think like okay what else would be real like i'm you know you're in a daze you're you're you don't remember what you were dreaming about you don't remember what's going on what day is it what's going on and all of a sudden i reach reach under that what is that it's hard it's oh it's sharp i'm gonna pull this out there's a bloody knife under my pillow what have i done okay what have i done i don't remember a thing i do not want to pull out a bloody knife under my pillow while I wake up. You're a little disoriented. You don't know what's going on.

I hope there's not police lights coming because I didn't do it, officer. I have no memory of this. But your prints are all over. Exactly. I just pulled the knife out. And maybe your blood because depending on how you put the hand under there. Yeah. I mean, also, I don't want to give murder tips but this

sounds like um a good place to hide a weapon because someone else is going to pull it out put their fingerprints all over it yeah i mean it's just tough to sneak in and sneak a knife under somebody's head that is the problem i'm working through that part yeah for your murder tips for my murder tips podcast um okay i'm gonna go with um tip of the week tip of the week place your weapon under someone else's pillow use gloves that don't fit they'll wake up disoriented and grab the knife uh look i i imagine this is this would be terrible um i don't want to find a whole bunch of crude oil under my pillow. Ooh.

Okay. I don't know if you could get that off of your body. I don't know if you can get that off of your hair. Your bed is soaked through. That'd be scary, too, from like, I'm thinking of it on like a kerosene level. Like, well, you know, crude oil is very flammable. Yeah. It would be messy.

It would be scary. So I'm going gonna go with crude oil mike crude oil okay i like that pick i'm going through my list here i have one of my two picks for sure because you guys have backed me into a corner um you ever you ever made a list for a spitballers draft And then you start reading the list and you're on the air and you go, huh, I don't really know why I put that. I can't wait for after the draft to hear the rest of your list, Mike. Or by all means, bring it up now.

I mean, yeah. Okay, whatever. We'll start with the one I know while I stall for time. By the way, this is a Jason Moore special. It's spiders. Oh, that was my last pick, you dirty dog. Now I got to find something. I mean, a porcupine is bad enough, but if you put your hand under the pillow and it's

just spiders. Oh, no. That's something that can actually happen. Oh, no. Next pick. Next pick. Let's move along. What's your team right now jason uh my

team right now is i have uh poop or doo-doo uh teeth of someone else and uh bloody knife and mike where are you at with your last pick coming up so i got porcupine i got chewed gum i got spiders and i mean whatever let's move forward with it i thought it was funny at the time because i was like trying to think of you know a real adult nightmare you you left you tried to leave this behind and you reach under your pillow and there it is all your unpaid parking tickets have come back to haunt you. Wait, this is like the... This is like the dream of going to school with no pants on. Yeah, I think you're about to wake up.

The telltale heart? Yes. You can hear it? You just hear the crinkles and you go, oh, no. Of course. Unpaid parking tickets. I owe them so much money. Oh, my goodness.

Well, I love it. My last pick is going to be a baby alligator. Okay. Yeah, certainly. Dangerous. Look out for that bite. Yeah, that's not going to feel very good. What would you rather be bit by, a baby alligator or a porcupine?

The porcupine would gnaw on me with its little gums. Me too. I'd pick a porcupine. I don't think their bite's going to hurt much. Although they eat tree bark, so they've got to be able to do some damage. I'm sure they have good teeth. You Googled porcupines today, didn't you? I Googled whether they were carnivores, and I was sadly mistaken.

You learned that they ate tree bark? Yes, I did. All right, final pick for Mr. Moore. You've got everything else under the sun to choose from. My team is peanut butter, bear trap, crude oil, and baby alligator. That finishes it off. Jason has poop, someone else's teeth, bloody knife. I would stand to reason if it was all your own teeth,

you would also be scared. That is fair. If you found all your teeth under your poop. What are you doing here? Final pick, though. Final pick was without a doubt I set it up it was

gonna be spiders yeah it was easy that was a little hanging fruit very mad at you Mike left over on my list of trying to look at what I what I don't want to find the rest

of your hair no that be fine it would be super easy to clean up not much there I think that what I would not want to find, I'm debating between two here. One is another bodily function, and one is just unfortunate. Okay. You got to go with the just unfortunate. You can't find pee pee.

I wasn't going pee pee. I was going throw up. Yeah. But all right. All right. I won't go throw-pee. I was going throw-up. Yeah. But all right. All right. I won't go throw-up. I'm going to go with something that is very common. You find, well, maybe not for you guys.

$100 bills. You just told on yourself. Yes, I did. You got me. You got me red-handed. I realized that other people might not find this. You find this in your bed. Oh, no.

Bags of chips. Sometimes. Who put that there? But it is the worst thing possible to find in your bed that is actually realistic for some people. Crumbs. Who have children, let's say. But, yes, cracker crumbs because you can't ever get them off the bed.

You try to sweep them off. The sweeping motion doesn't work. It doesn't work. You try to just pull the sheet up thing and no matter what, you don't get them all. And then you think you got them all and you lay down and it's, who eats crackers?

What if you stop eating crackers in bed? Oh, it's my children, I say. They're grown up by now. They're grown up. It's my children. That excuse expired when they all turned six. No. Come on.

Crackers? What are you? I said crackers, but it's usually chips. Cookies. Whatever. I mean, anything with crumbs. Crumbs could be the answer here. It's just universal crumbs.

Yeah. They're the worst if you find an uneaten saltine as you reach your hand under the pillow answer honestly where's that thing going it's going in the belly it's going straight to the old belly has that ever happened i have not yet found it uh i mean let's be. If there's a saltine under my pillow, it is just crumbs. Because I'm not sleeping on a pillow and that saltine's making it out safely. It doesn't take much to crack a cracker. That's why they call it crackers.

Oh, my goodness. Any other? Needles was one. Oh, yeah. Needles would be real bad. The character from Back to the Future? No, but just like. You don't know.

You're not in on Back to the Future jokes. You get out of my life. I know Back to the Future. Anything else that you had? I had melted chocolate because. Oh, yeah. I had that as well. Then you weren't really sure.

Toenail clippings. Oh, gross. Those can hurt and are gross and are like crumbs and are like crumbs that would have been a better pick oh i should have gone that i'll take toenail clippings and i just the it's just a wet spot just wet yeah just how did this get you'll never figure out what it is you smell it there's no smell you're gonna smell that over and over and over water you'll never be able to tell that it's water. And the problem is, like, you'll get it on your hand,

you'll smell your hand a few times, you won't be able to figure it out, and then you're going face in. What about a gizzard? Well, they're low-calorie, high-potassium, so it's good. Delicious. What did we learn today? Well, it was off the cuff there right at the end, but I think we figured out the origin of the name for crackers.

Oh, yeah. The snack, like this thing just cracks so easily, what should we call it? You weren't really on the uptake for the last 30 years on that one? No, I was not. Okay. I've never thought about crackers that much. I learned that Jason thought porcupines were carnivores. Yeah, I did learn that they were carnivores.

I learned that a toilet is an appliance. Oh. That's right. I finally settled. It is an appliance. For you, it is. It meets the day. Oh, yes.

It's a very important appliance in my life. Eat this. That'll do it for today, Spitballers. Thanks for tuning in and supporting the podcast. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense

the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com Hey, Spitwads. Hey. The episode is over. Oh, no. Aw. And there may be others that you could listen to,

but right now you should go to jointhespit.com because you can become an official Spitwad supporter of the show. What? Yeah, you could, Mike. It's true. I've been there. We've made that a possibility at jointh the show. Yeah, you could, Mike. It's true. I've been there. We've made that a possibility at jointhespit.com and you can add your contributions to the show.

Have a would you rather question you want us to maybe put here and discuss? Spittoon! Is that you spitting into the spit tank? You have access to the spit tank. Sounded like a spittoon. Wait, is that not a spittoon? That is the same thing, right? Caned like a spittoon. Yeah. Wait, is that not a spit? That is the same thing, right? Oh, that's the same thing.

Yeah. Okay. Can we go to spittoon.com? No, we don't own spittoon.com. Oh, all right. But you can go to jointhespit.com and become a spitwad. That is excellent.