Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 166: Owl Gets Busted & The Best Dad Jokes Part III - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

Owl faces some pretty egregious allegations on today’s show. You be the judge if it was justified or not. After some great ‘Would You Rather’ questions and a hilarious ‘Highway to Spell’, we close this down with a highly requested Dad Jokes Part III draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwatch, this next episode is probably in our top 50 best episodes. Oh, most certainly. Top 75 episodes we've ever done. It could be as high as number one overall. I don't know. I can speak to that. It hasn't happened yet. It is in that range.

Wait, we haven't had a number one? Oh, no, the show that we're about to do. It's about to happen, Mike. Now, hold on a second. Before we jump into that, I want to remind you you you can support the show if you enjoy it if you're on your long journey through all the episodes and you want to say hey i love this i want more and i don't want any ads and i want to listen to shows ahead of everybody else my show and i want it now you can support the show by going to join the spit.com and becoming an official Spitwad.

Head over there right now. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A skizzit, a gizzit, a plagiarized wizard, come on! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, I think that might be my best one, guys.

I was just, I thought to myself, That was, like, impromptu? I just want to come off the cuff. I just want to figure something out on the fly. And I think I did a pretty good job. Now, don't get me wrong. Welcome into the Spitballers.

That sounded familiar. I changed some stuff. Something sounded familiar about that, and I can't quite place it. Oh, man. Welcome in, spitballs. This is episode 166 of the Spitballers podcast. Very excited about Would You Rather Highway to Spell and some dad jokes on today's show. Oh, yeah.

I think I'm going to get some hard words today. Oh, no. What you heard there was, well, something that was brought to our attention as Very important. We three kings of the spitballers. Apparently, Al, who is present. Yes. Apparently, he took inspiration from.

Well, let's get us at the table. So, you know, like a year ago to look at him a year ago or something he's in the darkness over there like a year ago something we we sprung it on owl that he has to do a scat intro so he you know you can experience it and he smashed it it was a fantastic introduction to the show highly acclaimed and said, I'm never doing it again. And we're like, okay, we'll see about that. And sometime later, we end up setting this timeline of, okay, every 80-something shows or whatever it is.

Yeah, every 86 shows, which seems reasonable. Yeah, you're going to do the scat. And then he tried to pretend pretend it was later so it got pushed up even sooner and you go back to last week's show he opened it up and it was an incredible rhyme mike loved it i thought it was incredible it was it was in time it flowed it It rhymed. It was very topical to our show. And I gave him a huge amount of credit for this scatter. Which he received. Which he fully embraced. With open arms.

Quiet, open arms. And never once even hinted that this may not be his words. In fact, it might be the words of one of our devoted listeners who then brought it to our attention on the Twitter bot and he is busted. Thank you so much for bringing

it to our attention. Yes, because one of our favorite things, if you're new, welcome in. One of our favorite things here is driving that bus over our close friends. we like to drive it over and we like to back it up and we like to drive it over al how are you feeling today under the bus i feel great oh listen listen oh here it goes yes he's been defending himself all day let's have it defend yourself corn is in order spit one greg thank you for the inspiration for my scat oh there it is you you provided the bones to a very good scat oh the

bones oh that's right you've been saying all day he put the meat on it yes i did uh look hey this morning and i think people really enjoyed your scat. Your scat was great. Because it was incredible and not written by him. This came up at home, and my kids loved the show. My wife said, well, didn't you ask for some submissions? Sure enough, yeah. Yes, we did. And then my 10-year-old had the sensibility to say, yeah, but he didn't give him any credit on the review

a scissor a gizzard ask your local wizard come on and owl what yeah let's be fast you said you did change it what was it I need a lizard a gizzard yes I'm your local wizard soups different Huzzah and he has been defending this to the grave. He did something way different. If you line these... It is very industry standard for the performer to not give the songwriter the credits. We are the Spitballers podcast. I'm just saying, I'm the performer. I'm the artiste here.

And buried in our terms and condition, I did give him a credit on our website. I hope you gave him money, because the songwriter makes all the money. If you put these two photographs over each other, how close would they look? It's the same picture. Okay. I think you're off the hook now. Thank you for tuning in. So much to get into on today's Spitballers episode.

Spitballerspod.com if you want to support the show always thank uh we're always thankful if you tell your friends and family review the show as well and just put just put some really good scattered ideas in there yeah but just make sure you copyright them like legally beforehand all right now you're off the hook. Here we go. Would you rather? I like you say that he's off the hook. Like, that will ever be forgotten. Well, here's the thing. I don't know why we're not doing liar, liar today. Because if you could combine what just happened to him with us finally winning on liar, liar.

That's why we're not doing liar, liar. Yeah. Okay. That makes sense. He wanted the power. That's why he went with highway to spells. okay yeah makes sense he wanted the power that's why he went with how high weight of spells because he was like i know i'm getting it today so they're gonna get it and he has jokes on you i'm googling these words this time all right would you rather

question for mcnall on the website would you rather eat a hot dog or a burger without a bun i've done both yeah i've done both are delicious it's would done both. Both are delicious. It's would you rather, though. I mean, it's like you have to choose. They're both sitting there, and you're hungry. So a burger without a bun is like a steak, and I think that's its clear advantage. It's like a steak? Right.

It's basically a slab of meat on a plate. Well, it's more than basically a slab of meat. It is just meat. Sure, but it isn't a steak because it's not a cut of meat. It's a ground. People don't eat them with fork and knife traditionally. A burger? Yeah.

You do when you go bunless. Yep. I think that's what Andy was saying. So when you do it, it's not traditional, nor is it with a hot dog. Both come with a bun by nature. A steak does not come with a bun. Therefore, these are two awkward situations. Now, the burger argument for me is simple.

You can stack a bunch of stuff on a burger without a bun and still eat it. With a hot dog, you really almost got to go plain hot dog. Much messier fingers with the hamburger, though. I don't know about it. Messier fingers? You're eating this hot dog. With the hot dog. Is it a plain hot dog? The way I'm picturing

this, I know we're talking about a fork and knife. I'm picturing this as I'm hungry. We got to make some moves here. Again, I can hold a burger from the bottom and eat it like it's a tray of tostada. With some cheese on top and onions. But I'm saying your fingers are far

greasier from the burger than they are from the hot dog. Really? That's false. If you're holding saying your fingers are far greasier from the burger than they are from the hot dog. Really? That's false. If you're holding a burger, it's greasier than if you're holding a hot dog? Yeah, it's got to be. I don't think that's scientific. Now, if you're just grabbing it, I'm not grabbing the burger.

Well, you can't squeeze it. I'm not grasping. I'm not juicing a burger. I'm eating a burger. I'm holding it like this, which you can't see on the podcast. You're delicately balancing a burger. I'm holding it like this, which you can't see on the podcast. You're delicately balancing the burger. As soon as you take one single bite of your balanced burger, that thing's falling right on the floor. I believe in you, Andy.

I'll be careful with my... You're not holding that thing. It's going down. Now, hot dog. If I'm eating a hot dog without a bun, I'm eating it plain. No, it's a dip situation. Oh. You got a ketchup. You got a mustard or whatever you like on the side,

and you just dip. This is how my son Isaac eats every – he apparently hates hot dog buns. He's not like a – you know, every time we have – Is it specifically hot dogs? Only hot dogs. Only hot dogs. If you put one on a burger bun, he'd be cool? I have not tried that yet, but I will say this.

I love hot dogs on bread. I was going to ask you. People roll it in bread. Roll it in bread? Psychopaths. No, I mean you set it. When you say on bread, I just mean you set it on, and then you use it like a taco shell. No, no, no.

Not a taco situation. What you do. Oh, I'm learning. Oh, this is great. I did this like three days ago. Yeah. Oh, so two dogs. Two dogs.

Yeah. And you cut them down the middle. Yeah, I can see this. So it's four dogs, four half dogs, and then you put them on the bread. A dog sandwich. It's a dog sandwich. Yeah. I've never done that.

It is delightful. Is it like eating a hot dog? It's like eating a hot dogger. A hot dogger? A hot dogger? A hot dogger. Because it's very similar to a burger. Oh, okay. But it's a hot dog.

Did you not understand what was happening, Mike? I did not. Are you with us? I thought he was just struggling to say the word hot dog. The word hot dog? Yeah. It's a super hard one. You're saying it is beneath you to struggle to say the word hot dog?

I would say that of all the words I have ever struggled to say, which are incalculable. Yes. Which I said very well. Spell it now. No. Dog would not be one of the words I would get wrong. No, not dog, but hot dog. Oh, the double up?

I just heard you struggle to say it. If you had to eat either one plain with a bun, I'd always choose the hot dog. I eat a hot dog plain all the time. Now, a plain burger literally with nothing else, that kind of sucks compared to a plain hot dog. Yeah, I think I agree with that. I'm fine going plain for either. What do you normally put on your hot dog? Ketchup, mustard, relish, onions. Oh, you do the ketchup. Wow. See, you'll get some plain for either. What do you normally put on your hot dog? Ketchup, mustard, relish, onions.

You do the ketchup. You'll get some hate for that. Traditional hot dog truth is there's no ketchup. You do mustard, relish, onions. If I can only have one condiment on your hot dog, it's mustard.

It's a mustard-only dog. I'm happy to have a ketchup-only dog, but mustard only is better. But ketchup, mustard, relish, and onions is the pinnacle. They have to be diced onions, right? 100%. Yeah, those are great. And if anybody has a- Not the big circles.

Or whole. No whole onions either. If anybody has a different opinion, which you are entitled to, I would love to fight you. For hot dogs? I would love to fight you over the condiments on a hot dog because I'm right. I just go nude. See, there you go. He goes nothing.

Yeah. I think it's because he's too hungry. I think hunger is a big issue for you. I will say this. When I don't go ketchup, mustard, relish, and onions, it's usually because I'm not willing. Take out of the fridge and put away. Exactly. I don't got time for that.

It's a laziness thing. I don't want to do the work. My man. I heard a stand-up comic talk about the fact he had him and his girlfriend were watching or eating at the table. And she was eating a salad. And she's like, can I get the ranch dressing? And he's like, oh, it's in the fridge.

And she says, ugh. and then ate the salad plain. Wow. Which I think you would do. No, not a salad. Okay. No. Just because she didn't want to go to the fridge, get it, and bring it back to the table.

That was a test to see if he would get it. That's what that was. Yeah, you failed. He didn't. You failed the test. I don't know what we answered there. I think we – Oh, I'm going hot dog.

I'll go burger. Yeah, tostada burger. I was using a fork and a knife. It's like a Slim Jim. It's like a real big Slim Jim. Joshua from the website. You have to fire off your own confetti cannon every time you enter a room. Okay.

Or turn off all the lights whenever you leave a room, including public restrooms, offices, job interviews, no matter what. Job interview? So would you rather have to fire off your own confetti cannon? I mean, that's abrasive. I mean, that is. Well, there's cleanup involved now. Now, that's funny one time.

The first time you do that, that's funny. It can also be. The lights could be funny, though, the first time you do it, too. Oh, the lights could be funny though the first time you do it too oh the lights could be funny the 700th time you do it have you had people do that to you in the bathroom oh yeah at a public restroom nope not in a public restroom i have i've had somebody turn them off and it's dark in there man i feel like it's dark at the old office i feel like that happened more than once or twice. I know that I used to frequent a restroom that was motion activated. So it was completely fine if you go to the urinal. But if you were to go to the stall, you best be quick.

If you're in the stall too long, the lights are turning off because it doesn't. I mean, who puts the timer on a motion activated bathroom thing at under five minutes people need to save a few bucks yeah i heard something about if you take a 10 minute poop at work every day you basically get a free out a free week of vacation like 43 hours yeah over the course of a year we had talked about how long should an employee have to poo and apparently 10 minutes adds up quickly. I also put a sign above our office bathroom that says, you have to be the fourth poo in before you flush to save water.

Oh, yeah. Save the earth. Yeah. So you want to be at the beginning of that ride. There's a drought. I will... Look, people are going to get furious with you with the lights one. Both of them. After the first joke.

Yeah, I mean, they both suck. Okay. Every time you enter a room. So in your home, is this a one-time deal? I come home from work in my garage. Pa-pow! Papa's home. It's a big party.

Or is it every single room in my house I have to fire off the camera? I don't think it's every single room because your pockets can't hold enough. You're going to need a backpack. When you present to new people in that context, it's not like you walk to the kitchen, you get yourself a soda, and when you walk back into the living room, you do it again. Well, there's no door. I think it's a matter of people.

So you come in your garage, you pull into your your garage you don't even have to confetti yet ain't nobody in there but when you walk into the house and there's people home pow pow yeah i'm here a garage a room no when the door's down a garage is not a room that's a great question mike but a garage is not a room. That's a great question, Mike. But a garage is not a room. Why? Then what is it? Because it has no square footage addition to your house. But that's the same rule of an inside room with no closet. So back off.

Oh, Realtors going at it. No, that's a bedroom. It's not a bed. It's still a room. Fight, fight, fight. When you ask how many rooms a house has, you don't get to count it without a closet. So you can call it a bedroom or a room. I call it a den. Yeah, exactly. He's got a good point. And it's your car den. Okay. So you, why did

this come up? He needs to know what he needs to because i have the important questions and is a garage a room what if it is a shed a room no but that's not connected to your house does it have a closet that doesn't matter if it's connected to your house what a room what it does what if my garage has a mattress in it you don't get to count three rooms in a casita towards your main house it's not a five-bedroom house detached casita wait yes you do count as a separate casita yes you do get to count those as rooms on your house it's not a it's two houses why are we debating do you remember how many uh square feet in an acre uh 43 000 something very nice impressive we were realtors for a day um i'm taking the confetti one it's positive

people will get annoyed with me but it won't stop them from working i am taking the light one because when i leave i have not like when i go well first of all i'm i don't have to deal with this at all it's not my problem right second of all i'm out of sight out of mind for the people left over and third i'm not leaving behind a gigantic mess. That's true. All they got to do is go turn the light switch on. Not like, oh gosh, Jimmy's home. I got to get the broom.

What a letdown if you are the one that has to clean up your confetti every time at the office. So you pop it, but then you have to spend 30 minutes cleaning up the confetti. I'm so sorry about this. Mike, what's your final answer here? I'm not cleaning up my confetti. That's not my issue. I'm turning off the light. We did the confetti poppers for our thousandth

episode of the Fantasy Footballers, and we still find pieces. And that was a long time ago. And they were so loud. Those things scared the crap out of me yeah aaron from patreon would you rather carry 100 pounds up three flights of stairs oh yes or take four trips carrying one or carrying 25 pounds up the same three flights of stairs so four trips of 25 pounds or one trip i feel like this is the grocery same amount of stairs i don't know yeah no i get it i get it so you're basically you're gonna walk a lot more you're gonna do

the three flights you know multiple times can i tell can i tattle tell my wife right now oh please do no one's listening um so you know we've been married 15 years everybody's got their own things that they always do and it doesn't matter whether the spouse has a different opinion you just do what you do right yeah we talked about taking the trash out and expecting someone to you know you take the trash on the other person puts the bag in my wife is famous for she's she's the one trip and because this translates to groceries. Yeah, that's, yes. She will have just an unbelievable quantity of grocery bags hanging off her body.

Oh, good for her. As she struggles to climb through door frames, to get over gates, to get, but it will be one trip. Super impressive. Yes. And that's the way you do it. That is the way to do it for sure. Not the separate trips. No. I mean, if you got to get those bags up to your shoulders, you do what you got to do

to carry all the groceries at once. And I'm that way on this. I would rather take 100 pounds up the stairs than have any kind of prolonged cardio activity. I will do the 25 for sure. I will say this. Carrying 100 pounds up one flight of stairs is very difficult. Yeah, that's not a good time. You ever move somebody?

I've moved, like, exactly. I have 100-pound weight because I have my little workout room upstairs. So that's a very comfortable thing to hold. And, yeah, yes, exactly. It's not oddly shaped. It is designed to be held in an exercise with. And I had to carry him up one at a time. And, oh, man, by the time you get up, you can feel your blood pressure behind your eyes.

It's about to steam out the ears. It's very, very heavy. And that was one flight. Yeah, but here's the problem. When I take that 25 pounds up the stairs, I'm already talking about the ears. It's very, very heavy. And that was one flight. Yeah. But here's the problem. When I take that 25 pounds up the stairs, I already, I'm already talking about the elevation and the fact that it is elevation. Oh, absolutely. I'm, I am winded. So, and honestly, I carry nothing up the stairs one flight and I am toast. So I'm not going back down for more. Man, back down there at 2,000 feet. I'm up here at 2,020 feet.

All right. I will go the 25 pounds. Cormac from the website, would you rather start every conversation by asking, would you like to know how I got these scars while pointing at a tiny scratch on your hand? Hilarious. Or end every conversation by saying oh no the pleasure was all yours oh man what a jerk what a jerk move to just i mean could you imagine that could you imagine while you're you have a conversation and someone leaves and says oh no the pleasure was all

yours and then leaves wow now again this is like your lights out thing you may say or do the rude thing but you're gone. They can talk about you behind your back, but you ain't there to experience it. Yeah, but I feel like I could. The light seems like an accident. Not after the second time. Well, not after the 17th time. But, you know, it's like this one is a personality trait.

This one is ego. It would be funny for one time. I mean, or it's just that's a it's perfectly time because that's a dad joke oh the pleasure is all yours yeah working hard or hardly working why does he keep saying the pleasure was all yours yeah but when you when you've got like we are i would say professional dad jokers yes. We are the standard at which success is judged by in the dad joke realm. And we understand that with that responsibility means you cannot overplay a joke. We tell our kid when our children do something really funny, oh, man, they want to do it

over and over. And we're like, no, no, no, no, no. Yep. You don't overplay a joke. You get the laughs and then you act like it's no big deal you can get away with two extras of these at a chick-fil-a oh for sure that i mean if you did this at a chick-fil-a you'd be like you'd be trapped in a in a time warp yeah because the pleasure was yours yes the pleasure was mine no no no no the pleasure was yours my pleasure the pleasure

was yours my pleasure couldn't you just then you're agreeing at that point yeah you're just saying the pleasure was yours my pleasure and then you go exactly what i said yeah um so i i i don't know this scar one is just pathetic. Oh, I forgot about the other option. There's a would you rather here. So I have little scars on my hand. You have told us about that scar a lot. Well, no, this one's brand new. So this is not the one you've told us about when your wife cut you with a straw?

No, no. This one is. Wait, how are you going to tell us about it? You're not even going to say you want to know how I got these scars? Yeah. Oh, guys. Guys, you want to know how I got these scars? Yes, I do.

So I... Oh, man. Got a new hose reel. Okay? You got... Okay. It comes with the... Sounds pretty manly.

Yeah. It comes in a box. Actually, I had to install the hose in the box. I mean... Wait, it comes in like a cardboard box? No, no, no. No, like a fancy wicker you know outside you you reel this hose basket in a well it's a full box it's got a lid so that it kind of encloses hides the ugly hose like lattice yeah yeah um and so I'm

I'm cranking the hose uh handle you know, and I'm holding the box on the side. And I take that hose handle and I just quickly shred my thumb. And that's how I got these scars. I think I don't want to ask people how I got these scars because then they might go, yeah, I want to know. And then I'll be like, it's not a good story. All right, so you're going with my pleasure. That's right. It sounds like the pleasure was everyone's.

Pleasure is all yours. All right. Are we allowed to move on now? Yes, we are. Hey, Spitwads, there's a specialist for just about everything, right? Like when my car breaks down, I go to a mechanic. Or if there's a problem with my shower, I certainly don't try to fix it. Mr. Plumber fixes it. And when you want to get those uneven, crooked teeth fixed, you go to an orthodontist.

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Highway to spell. Oh, righty. It's time to spell some words. I am on a hot streak. I think I have two straight wins in this. Three straight? I don't know. Oh, that's great.

That relieves two straight. So much pressure. So, okay. I'm not going on a streak. Oh, honestly. Nothing on andy here yes we all expect him to win uh let's let's begin uh who starts the is it me yes okay go for it all right this is we're starting with sixth grade here's your word whoa take it easy disagreement okay okay i got that one yeah that's easy yeah i got that one um let me give that another go really well i just want to make sure i write it right well that that makes sense uh that's what we're trying to do if you write it right s-a-g-r-e-e-m-e-N-T. Disagreement. Okay. I had a moment there where an extra G seemed like it might want to jump into the mix. Now, is Judge...

But then I wrote that down and it looked... An extra G? Yeah, it looked wrong. Is Judge Giamatti around? Is he back there? Judge, can I ask that you keep a close eye on the owl? I feel like I give him a lot of grief over that scat. I don't want him choosing no.

Well, I'm on Team Al, so. We should tie. My man. Team producer. Let's tie all the words into what happened earlier. So I would say that disagreement. We had a decent-sized disagreement about how much he plagiarized that scat. Well used in a sentence. Mike's turn.

All right, Mike, your sixth-grade-level word. Excitement. Excitement. Excitement. Okay. Please use that in a sentence. Excitement, E-X-C-I-T-E-M-E-N-T. There was a lot of excitement when we discovered Owl had stolen his opening scat. Yeah, that's good.

Oh, that was correct. Oh, no. Oh, all right. I Oh, that was correct. Oh, no. Oh, alright. I'm ready for this word. Alright, Jason. Your sixth grade level word. Iontophoresis. Yeah, okay. A-I-N-T-E-P-H-E-R-O-U-S. Antiphoresis.

How did you not... You could have just shoved it right in his face. Google that one. Alright, Jason. I right in his face. Google that one. All right, Jason. I don't think I could Google that one. You're a real word. Fair enough.

What does that word mean? Oh, I don't know. I closed it already. I can use it in a sentence. His scat was antipheresis when it comes to... Can you? ...being original. A technique of introducing ionic medicinal compounds into the body through the skin by applying a local electric current.

Medicine through current? Apparently. All right. So what's his real word? That's cool. Good job, doctors. Combination. Okay.

These are the ones where it's like, you get this wrong. Soup's embarrassing. C-O-B, C-O-B, C-O-M-B-I-N-A-T-I-O-N, combination. There was a combination of words that were read from someone else's submission used as a scat. Well done, well done. We're doing good. This is a good time for everybody, all four of us. All right.

Andy, your seventh grade level word. Admittance. Uh-oh. It's getting tough. Uh-oh. Admittance. A-D-M-I-T-T-A-N-C-E. Admittance.

Oh, I would have got it right. Yes. Smartest man alive. I probably would have. Oh, I would have got it right. Yes. Smartest man alive. I probably would have.

Al Borland would not receive his admittance to Harvard if they knew. He was guilty of plagiarism. All right, guys. The gag's getting old. Oh, man. It's just begun. I think you just warmed it back up. All right.

Mike, your seventh grade level word. Vigorously. Oh, boy. Oh, your seventh grade level word. Vigorously. Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. I've got it written and it don't look right. Oh, no.

I think I've got this. No way. Mike is scrambling vigorously to figure this one out. Where does the you go? I've got some shots. There's some shots in here. Does that look right, Andy?

Is that one of yours on your board here? It is one. It is my leading candidate. Oh, good. You're leading. Yeah. All right. Unfortunately, there's more than one candidate for this word.

Yeah. Same here, bro. All right. Vigorously. Dang it. Uh, V I G O R O U S L Y vigorously. Anybody else want to try? Oh, that's how I would've done it. I will search vigorously through the reviews to find a scat of use. Alright, we're back to Jason's 7th grade word.

That is correct. My hands are so sweaty. I don't like what my heart is doing right now. Alright, Jason, here you go. Pheasant. Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

The problem is when I get this wrong, I'm going to be so wrong. Oh, no. Remember how you spelled vacuum? Yeah, I got that one right. I did. I had a couple wrong. I'm glad to say my word. Oh, my gosh.

There are multiple candidates. Can I get the country of origin? Middle English Oh, okay Well, in that case, it's number two Pheasant You are sweating Actually, it's Middle English

from Old French via Latin from Greek That helps a lot P-H-E-S-A-N-T No chance No chance Okay, so it is P-H. That helps a lot. Okay, P-H-E-S-A-N-T. No chance. No. No chance.

Okay. That felt bad. I went with an F. That's what I went with first. It is P-H-E-A-S-A-N-T. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Did you really write an F?

I did. Well, that would have been a shameful... You've not used pheasant a lot in a sentence, have you? I have not. How would you use that in a sentence? Only a pheasant would plagiarize a scat. All right. So it's down to the two of us. Yes, it is.

And into eighth grade we go? Correct. I'm so happy to be out. You're sweaty. Yeah, that's what I do. All right. Andy, your eighth grade level word is? It's kind of my thing.

Penitentiary. Ooh. Well, that's not great. Pen, oh boy. Oh my, penitentiary? All right, I got it. I think I would have this one. What?

Penitentiary. No way. I'm going to go with my first guess. P-E-N-I-T-E-N-T-I-A-R-Y. Ooh. Oh! I win. From downtown!

The I-A-R-Y at the end? Yeah. I just had the A-R-Y. Oh, you got to go with your first shot. But my first shot was wrong. Well, you are a different case please use it in a sentence we considered

this offense to be worthy of a stay in a penitentiary alright Mike you pronounced the I on that one you said penitentiary can I hear that word again you can in a moment gotta go backwards penitentiary. Can I hear that word again? You can in a moment.

Got to go backwards. Penitentiary. That's not how you say it. Penitentiary. Penitentiary. Penitentiary. I don't hear that. All right, Mike, your eighth grade level word.

Disbursement. You got that one. You got that one. You got that one. Okay, disbursement. D-I-S-P-E-R-S-M-E-N-T. Yeah. Is it an A? No, I think it's...

Did you miss an E? Did he miss an E in there? Give it a go, Jason. D-I-S-P-E-R-S-E-M-E-N-T? No. You guys are all getting it wrong. Is there an A in there? Nope.

Okay, what is the word? D-I-S-B-U-R-S-E-M-E-S-T. That makes perfect sense, and yet we all wrote a P. Yep. Disperse? Oh, distribution. Yes, okay. Yeah, you just disperse. You don't say disper Yep. Disperse? Oh, distribution. Yes.

Disperse. You don't say disperse. Disperse the crowd. It's disperse the crowd. Oh, my gosh. We're all so stupid. That's when you steal all the purses. No, no, no, Jason. Mike was stupid.

We were not stupid. That's right. I didn't get that wrong. Disbursement. I win again. You do win again. Oh, my goodness. Off to the draft we go.

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He dispersed a few hard words there. Disbursement. Man, you don't say disburstment, though, do you? No. Because that's so stupid. English is so stupid. Disperse the crowd. It's a soft B.

Well, I know that now. Disbursement. Look, a B and a P. He pronounced the B. Just flip them around a little bit, and it's similar. Do it one more time. Disbursement. Yeah, that's a B.

Oh, it is. We're doing another Dad Jokes draft. Yep. Part three. Part three of the Dad... You can go back and find the old ones, I assume. Do you know what episodes they were? I can get those. Alright. Well, update us later on.

We have had a lot of shows. Alright, so Jason has the first go. Oh, you do? Oh, I do. That's funny. Okay. All right. Well, that's easy because I'm going to take a great one that really fits the show. You found a plagiarizer joke?

Did you steal it? I was just Googling those. No, no. It's a good poop joke. Oh, excellent. I mean, we're taking it up to Classyville. What did the poop say to the fart? We're already off.

It's already won. What did the poop say to the fart? What? You blew me away. The setup was so much better than the punchline. It really was. The punchline was all right, but when you get to start with, what did the poop say to the fart?

Yeah, but it's also just true. That's so disappointing. You blew me away. All right. What did the poop say to the fart? You should have stopped the joke right there. That is it. I am finished.

All right. I've got one for you guys. I wrote that myself. Did you? Did you really. I wrote that myself. Did you? Did you really? For sure. Okay. Congrats.

You're a pro. A pro's pro. What did the horse say when he fell down? No. Oh, that was you. You got. This is that's literally my first joke. Oh, man.

Jason, do you know the answer? No, I don't. What did the horse say when he fell down help I've fallen and I can't giddy up oh man yeah it's so good that was literally your first one huh that was literally my first joke

sorry for ruining your joke that's okay that's funny well I mean it's rare to steal somebody else's pick yes I did alright two jokes for Mike Well, I mean, it's rare to steal somebody else's pick. Yes. Yes. I did.

All right. Two jokes for Mike. I get back-to-back jokes here. Clearly, I have to choose. Any other horse jokes? I have to choose accordingly. Jason. Yes. Why did the restaurant hire a pig?

Why? He was good at bacon. Why did the restaurant hire a pig? Why? He was good at bacon. I like it. I like it. Okay. All right. It's simple.

It is very simple. Dad Jokes episode one was episode 110. Part two was episode 122. So it's been a while. We went back to the well quick. All right. All right, Mike. You got one more a while. Ooh. We went back to the well quick. All right. All right, Mike, you got one more.

Andy. Yeah. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? No. Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump. Yeah. I saw where that was going from the get-go.

Oh, man. Well. That's right up my alley. All right. I am i'm gonna i'm gonna help us out here guys what do you call jason what do you call an anti-vax nanny tell me mrs Doubtfizer. Okay. I heard Al laughing back there. Nice. A nice Vax joke.

I love it. Oh, well done. I just watched Mrs. Doubtfizer the other day. I cried like a baby, man. Yeah, being a dad. I haven't seen that movie in 20 plus years. Yeah, me either. And then this was the first time I watched it from the perspective of a grown up. Well, that's rough stuff.

Way to bring it there, buddy. You were Mrs. Doubtfizer, not me. All right. Look, this was this. This is here. This is a good one. All right. Did you write this one?

What? Of course. Say to the poop? Yes. Okay. Mike. Yeah. What is the least spoken language in the world?

What is the least spoken language in the world? I don't know. Sign language. Because it's silence. You don't speak it at all. Thank you for explaining the joke. Yes. That's what you got to do. You got to give a good explanation for a good joke.

Wow. You got another one. We're good. These are great. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Where to turn now?

Yeah. Do I go back to the well? You should have closed that one. Yeah, I should have closed that one yeah i should have um okay andy yeah why does snoop dog always carry an umbrella that's my next joke oh man for drizzle it's a good joke it's a good joke it's a good joke drizzle oh's a good joke. That is a good joke. Oh, drizzle. Oh, drizzle. Yeah. Is it back to me? Yes. It is.

Guys, I used to steal people's kitchen utensils. Used to steal? I used to steal people's kitchen utensils, but it really wasn't worth the whisk. That's a cringy one. but it really wasn't worth the whisk. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Ow. That's a cringy one. I like it. It wasn't worth the whisk, guys.

Yeah, I don't know if that joke was worth the whisk. You want another one? In a minute. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Where do we go?

Where do we go from here you got any poop jokes i don't oh i got several uh andy yeah i'm right here what is mini mouse drive what does mini mouse drive a minivan. Oh, no. Oh, man. That was, I mean, the whisk joke was so good. The whisk joke was so good. We are at the bottom of this barrel. We are scraping the dad jokes here. Look, man.

Wow. That can't all be gems. I've got a problem, Andy. Do you know what it is? Mike's back up. Oh, no. Mike, you get to do another. Just skip it. Never Mike's back up. Oh, no. Mike, you get to do another. Just skip it.

You're up. I will never give up. Never surrender. Alright, my clothes are here. Oh, no. Okay. No, never give up. Never surrender. Thank you. oh no never give up oh yeah never surrender thank you thank you all right

my friend keeps saying cheer up man it could be worse you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water i know it means well okay you came back and totally redeemed yourself. I like it. I like it. Anybody got any more of them Bax jokes? Is this my last one? Yes. Are we going four? I know we've gone five rounds before.

I don't have very many left. I'm fine with five. As long as you don't take mine. I'd like five. That'd be good. Yeah, let's go. Let's go five. Listen, Mike, what does a cloud wear under his raincoat?

What does a cloud wear under? cloud where under his raincoat what is a cloud where under what under his raincoat what is a cloud where under his raincoat i don't know thunderwear oh okay okay i figured it was an underwear joke it was and i couldn't get to thunderwear you could i got to under i to Underwear. I was like, it's going to be an Underwear joke. Are you disappointed? I am really disappointed in myself. Man, I let myself down, but I'm going to redeem myself here. Fruit of the Moon? Was that a joke in there? Maybe? I don't know.

Okay. All right. Andy. All right. How do you help a constipated person? Good question, Jason. How do you help a constipated person? Good question, Jason. How do you help a constipated person? You scare the poop out of them.

Oh, yeah. Help is on the way. Help is on the way. I feel like the joke didn't use the word poop. Well, you know, family show. But you can make it your own. You can take these words and you can claim it as yours. Just change one word

and man you got a killer you got a killer joke there um all right so now i'm going up with one more close strong man close strong close strong okay maybe we should have done three what what do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? Oh, my gosh. I told you I had a lot of poop jokes. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? Yeah. A salad shooter.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, my gosh. You want to go eight? No, we don't. Mike, what do you call a magic dog? You already know it. Jason, what do you call a magic dog?

I do not know. A labrador. Oh, man. That's. Oh. It was on Mike's list. He's almost out. And I had come across that one.

It wasn't on my list. All right. But it's good. Yeah, it's a Labracadabrador. All right. Which of my terrible two jokes do I finish with? Jason. Yes.

Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Why? Because he couldn't find a date. Again. Again I should have got there. Man. Okay. It was right there. We did it.

All right. We did it, everybody. We did it. Hey, guys, why did everyone enjoy being around the volcano? It was just so lovable. Goodness. What did the garlic do when he gets too hot? What did the garlic do when he gets too hot?

Took all of its cloves off. That's what I do. And then the last one I had, if you get cold, just stand in a corner. They're usually 90 degrees. All right. Okay. Well, we're done with this show. What did we learn today?

Oh, man. We learned that owl is a serial plagiarizer. Yeah, plagiarizer. A klepto. I learned that it's a B, a disbursement. Remains to be seen. And I learned for the first time that I am

really bad at spelling. I got a lot of these words wrong. You're a sweaty speller. I'm a sweaty speller. S-W-E-E-T-Y Sweetie. I got a lot of these words wrong. You're a sweaty speller. I'm a sweaty speller. You're a very sweaty speller. S-W-E-E-T-Y. Sweetie. All right.

Thank you for tuning in, listening. Thank you, Al, for being here with us. We'll try to do better next time. We love you, Al. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com

what a gas that episode was my face hurts from smiling. Oh, so good. Do you remember when this episode started and we were talking about like joining the spit? Yeah. That was like 60 minutes ago, something like that. And I remember when I was listening, I was like, oh, I got to remember to do that. I got to remember to go to jointhespit.com. I want to support the show. I want to get the episodes early.

This is really for me. Yeah. So I'm going to go right now to jointhespit.com and who knows? Maybe I'll see you there.