Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 167: Pre-Barf & The Worst Things To Do While Nauseous - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 27, 2021

Liar, Liar is on today’s show. That is all most of you need to read to get pumped about this episode. But in case it’s not, we also discuss non-terminal velocities, speedwalking, bank robbing, and height thresholds. Then, grab a barf bag and listen in as we draft the worst things to do while nauseous. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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your next delicious bowl of guilt-free cereal at magicspoon.com slash ballers and use the code ballers to save $5 off. Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring this episode. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Ba-ding to the ba-ding to the ba-dum to the ba-ding to the ba-boo. I like it.

I actually enjoyed that. Okay, good. Don't get me wrong, it's super stupid. Well, look, you don't want them rehearsed like Al. So you definitely didn't get a rehearsed one there. What I liked most about that is the music is playing. Yeah. I've got my eyes closed.

That was the best part. And, no, like, right before the scat happened, I got that full shot of adrenaline. Like, you know, uh-oh. I thought for a moment, like, wait, am I up? Because I'm just sitting over here. I'm just grooving. And you all know that feeling when it hits. It goes whoosh.

It's just a wave through your body you got that huh oh i did so i'm you guys want to go run so i could have done anything and you would have been happy because it just meant you didn't have it yes welcome into the spitballers episode 167 we have one of the most heralded segments of all time on today's show. Liar Liar is back. That's a great question. How many have we done? I think like five or six.

Sounds about right. I'll figure that out. How many have we won? Zero. Yeah. You don't have the stats off the top of your head? No. That's disappointing.

Oh, and infinity. Yeah, that's our record. We'll beat today obviously this is the day i will i will bet five thousand dollars that we bet today okay we also have a great draft we are going to draft the worst things to do while nauseous so let your brain spin on that a bit while we go through the show. Probably an important draft for people when they're getting a little queasy. Yeah. They can stop and think, oh, I shouldn't do this. Are you supposed to scat when you're nauseous?

I mean, we'll find out. You can put it on your list. Instagram.com slash spitballerspod. Thank you to everybody who is leaving us reviews over on Apple Podcasts, subscribing to the show. Tell your friends about it. It's a free, fun show to make your week better. We've got Mondays with brand new episodes, Thursdays with spit hits.

Tell your friends. Tell your friends. Hey, tell your friends. That's a great question this question comes in from paula abdul-jabbar oh i like that one in your professional opinion would an ant survive a fall off of the empire state building oh excellent question because yes you just jumping right into it? Of course I'm jumping. I mean, it's the easiest, most obvious answer of all time.

My experience with these exoskeleton insects is that they could fall from outer space and they will be fine. Have you ever seen, like I have literally stomped on an ant. I've crushed it. And I'm. That means a lot. Right. I'm a big boy. That's a huge stomp.

That's a lot of weight. And those size 13s coming down on you. And then I lift my shoe up. Totally fine. And they scurry away. No, I didn't miss. I didn't miss. But, like, I don't know.

These exoskeleton insects are... It would survive, I think. We've got to break this down. What is the terminal velocity of an ant? I don't think that matters, but only so much. Oh, no, that's everything. No, it isn't. Yeah.

Yeah, there's a phrase, Andy, terminal's everything. No, it isn't. Yeah. Yeah. There's a phrase, Andy. Terminal velocity. But there's also science. Okay. What's the terminal velocity of a feather, guys? You drop a feather from the Empire State Building. I don't know. There's a lot of the aerodynamics, the wind resistance, a lot of things factor in. That's my

point. Terminal velocity of an ant is 6.4 kilometers per hour. Now, I have no idea how fast that is because it's in kilometers that seems like that's so slow no it's slow i think compared to a human being but still going six kilometers if i'm jogging i can go six kilometers an hour if i jog slowly into a brick wall i'm gonna live that's. That's true. It's going to hurt. Yeah. And maybe this ant's hurting. Also. But the wind's going to carry it.

I don't even know if it lands within the block. So you Googled what is the terminal velocity of an ant and there was an answer? This was not a fresh question. People have been curious for years about the terminal velocity of ants. Does the distance matter at that point? No. It's an airplane 10,000 feet up or it's the top of a building. It doesn't matter.

This ant's living. You could throw a handful of ants out of a plane, and I'm guessing that most of those ants are fine. So the terminal velocity, according to FAI.org, of a human is about 200 kilometers per hour. And that's why you explode. That's why you splat. So literally, terminal velocity is why ants are fine?

I get it. That's why they can fall and just be okay, because they just gently, like a summer's breeze, they just fall down to the ground. Which ironically, it's a non-terminal velocity for an ant. Oh my goodness, you are correct, right? Oh my goodness. That's just the velocity it's just it's velocity they just go down at velocity i think we sorted that out well hold on there's a different question at what size do you go from non-terminal to terminal i don't

know when you weigh more than a small crumb well like? Like a, like a Caterpillar is a Caterpillar. Okay. New great question. Pillar is going to have some troubles depending on it's a, what if it's the hungry, hungry version as opposed to the full one? That's more terminal. Yeah.

Cause he's hungry. Remember the hippo? Hungry and dying. Yeah. Oh, the hippo's going everywhere. Yeah. That's a block wide splat.

Um, okay guys, here's the next great question 6.4 kilometers per hour is how many miles per hour mike i'm asking all right okay 6.4 kilometers per hour i'm gonna go that is 2.4 miles per hour what an idiot that's 4 I didn't know you sounded like you were going to 4 so I was like that's not going to happen and I am so glad that I was not asked this question because I

didn't know which direction I knew which way but I went way too far I probably would have gone like 15 miles an hour Jackson from Patreon after watching the Olympic event of speedwalking, I think it's crucial that you guys explain the difference between speedwalking and jogging. By the way, this is the 12th Liar Liar today.

12? We're 0-11? We're 0-11. That's upsetting. That's impossible. Speedwalking versus jogging. There's a lot of differences. I have always wondered.

I will say this. There's a lot of differences. I have always wondered. I will say this. There's one crucial difference. How do you enforce an infraction in a massive speedwalking tournament? You get punched in the face. That is how you enforce. I think Andy's question wasn't so much how do you enforce, but what are the criteria of the penalty? Well, how do you catch somebody?

If you've got 100 people speedwalking. It's floor cams. Floor cameras are how you catch. So you have cameras set up on. I really want to know the penalty. Well, how do you catch somebody? If you've got 100 people speedwalking... Oh, it's floor cams. Floor cameras are how you catch. So you have cameras set up on the ground. I really want to know the answer. Because they're being recorded the whole time. Well, I would imagine that... It's the Olympics. You don't sneak a little run in there? I would imagine that

the floor cam is legit. I mean, it's a joke, but isn't that how you would catch them? They don't speedwalk in like 100 meter dashes. They're going 26.3 miles in a marathon. You got ground cams for 26 miles? I think they do. You got cameras for 26 miles?

Why not have some on the ground? You're incredulous. I believe that the rule is both feet cannot be off the ground at the same time. Oh, is that the rule? I don't know. That's the difference between a walk and a jog. Wow. It makes so much sense.

And I never realized how they were. I thought it was like a heel-to-toe rotation thing. But if you don't have floor cams, how could you ever really know? I mean, unless the dude was just running. Okay, you're out of here. Well, that would be easy. You could hook like, I think that, I mean, unless the dude was just running. Like, okay, okay, you're out of here. Well, that would be easy. You could hook that into the shoes. Because you could make it so that both shoes have to be

grounded at the same time at all times. Otherwise, it sets off a little alarm. Well, not grounded at both at all times, or they wouldn't move. Do they zap you? They're not. No, they have to be grounded. You were just saying that. You said both feet have to be grounded at all times. Yeah, grounded. There needs to be pressure from both shoes but not both at the same time or they're not moving yes they are that's the whole point when you take a step is there

still pressure in the foot not on both feet both feet having pressure on the ground at all times you're saying now you're not one foot yes One foot. Yes! Well then, okay, then this whole thing is blown up. Wait, no, no, because as long as it's one, you're okay. So if two feet come off the ground, then it disables you with an electromagnetic pulse and you go, you space plant. Yeah, I like that. Or just... Up, he's

out! And someone get a medic. There's other differences, though. I now see completely what you were saying. You had a right to be incredulous. I started feeling like I was the one taking crazy pills. Well, we were talking about moonwalking. Okay.

Not speedwalking. Do different competitions. No, that's fair. So other differences between speedwalking and jogging. 26 miles backwards. Because I did watch a little bit of the Olympic speedwalking, and you have to look like an idiot. Oh, it's all in the hips, man.

It's all in the hips, baby. One of these guys, and I think this might be the dude that won because he was on TV a lot. I imagine they're showing first place. I can't tell you. Was he the only contestant? No, there's a lot of these dummies, but this guy looked so stupid. His legs. Imagine that you're, but this guy looked so stupid. His legs. Imagine that you're like kicking your feet out.

He was doing like circles with his. He figured out a hack. He figured out a hack. And I think that the other contestants, they were not pleased. They didn't have the hack. They were like, this is not classic speed walk. It's like when the first NBA player started shooting overhand. What is this?

So the floppy legs is the key. The flop, you got to, yeah. Now what I enjoy about speed walking, I don't know if you guys partake in this. Like speed walking is just, it's one of those, like it's a good joke at all times. Like if you're in a group, especially with the family, because your job as the father is to try to embarrass the family, just launch off into a good old-fashioned speed walk. When you're at the mall, just get the arms pumping.

Now I know about the floppy legs, so I didn't know that I could really increase my speed. I'm going to get where I need to go. You're going to increase your stupidity? It's going to be a huge one. The only time i've ever partaken in speed walking is when i've got to do a duty um and it's in a public place and it's coming quick you know that if you go if you jog if i jog too much too much impact yeah and all you're doing a protection every step of the jog things are just dropping down lower and lower When you got to do that speed walk to the bathroom,

you basically crouch a little bit. Your head does not bop. Your head stays completely level as you go because you don't want to upset the gravitational pull of the turd. Sometimes the Duke. Sometimes there's situations where maybe you parked in a parking lot and you need to get into the store and get something, but a full sprint seems just a little bit socially outlandish,

so you do the speed walk to try to get quickly into the store. Could you imagine? Or you bridge that. Honestly, skipping would be better. Okay. Skipping is something that we have made socially unacceptable, but it's hyper-efficient. Yeah, we've talked about my legendary skipping.

You're pro-skipping. Well, my speed is unstoppable. I skip faster than I run. You're a speed skipper. If – can you skip faster than you speed walk? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. You bet your bottom dollar you can.

You can get air. Thank you, Annie. You can get air when you skip. You can really – You can get air. Oh, absolutely. You can get up off the ground. He's really getting up there. You can do air. Thank you, Annie. You can get air when you skip. You can really. Get air. Oh, absolutely. You can get up off the ground. He's really getting up there.

You can do some tricks in between skips. 360 skipping. What? Here's the thing. You say that skipping is socially unacceptable. That's correct. Because it is. I actually think jogging is more socially unacceptable.

What? If I saw someone skipping down, like the example you gave me, you pull up to go to a store, right? Yeah, you're going to Costco. And I see someone skipping, I think, that's a happy dude. I see someone jogging, I'm like, what is, like, not running like an emergency, just jogging. I think I can find one of the holes in your premise. Okay. You would not think that's a happy dude.

You would think that is a psychopath. When have you last seen a grown adult skip anywhere? It's been a minute. I'll tell you what you don't think, though. If you saw someone skipping out of a Costco, bags in hand, you would just go, huh, well, that's strange. But if you saw someone running with Beck, that person just stole something. Absolutely. Call the cops.

So. Oh, I know where you're going with this. Can you just easily get away with shoplifting if you skip out of the store? Nobody has ever left a bank robbery skipping. And really, they should. Look how happy they are. I've got all the money are i've got all the money i've got all the money it's a million dollars for me and would the cop be able to really the cop

would never think it was you you could go right down the sidewalk right by the cop skipping and he's like we got to find this guy who's running now i'm picturing like an episode of cops when they pull the guy over and they start running, but the guy's skipping away instead. The cop just stops. He'll stop. Slows down. Oh, that one got away. We got the wrong one.

Move on. Back it up. Think about defending yourself to the judge. He fled the scene of the crime. Sir. Your honor, I was skipping. You can't flee skipping. I was not fleeing.

All right. Roll the fleeing. Roll the tape. Case dismissed. Big Boss Mike from Patreon says, after looking at your staff photos on the website, I was curious. If you had to choose three non-baller staff members to rob a bank for. Oh, we're back to robbing a bank. Rob a bank for you.

I'm in for the skipping role. Which three would you choose and what would their roles be? Okay, so... Yeah, but I mean... Yeah, it's tough, because maybe the audience doesn't know our staff. So let's explain some of our staff. You guys know Al Borland. Let's do one word for each person.

Oh, that's a great idea. That's a great idea. So we'll say their job, but then describe them in one word so let's start with al borland okay he produces the spitballer show he co-produces the the footballer show does other stuff around here i'm not i can't always tell what he's doing but describe him in one word handyman okay is that a hyphenated word or is that one that's one word uh according to how I write it. Okay. Yeah.

That does not encapsulate his foosball skills. No, of course not. Which makes sense. I wanted to stay positive. Yeah, okay. Then you have, you got Josh, Papa Josh. Ugly. I would go bald, but that works.

You have Brooks, the producer for the footballers and also co-producer of this show. Money. Money. Yeah. Wealth. Wecer of this show. Money. Money. Yeah. Wealth. Wealth. Wealthy. Rich.

Yeah. And then you have Kyle. Ragged. With the new hair. Ragged. With the hair. Ragged. Okay.

You think those luxurious locks are ragged? Yeah. Really? I think he's gotten a little maybe arrogant is another word. Well, that's fine, but I do not equate arrogancy and being ragged. I guess dependable would be another good word. He's a ragged, dependable rapscallion. Look, if I'm looking for three people to rob a bank for me,

I need somebody that's dependable and loyal, so Kyle's coming along. I need a handyman to get into the safe, so Jeremy's coming along. Okay. And then I need somebody that gives me an air of, well, these guys would never rob a bank, and that's Brooks. So I'm taking Brooks. Brooks has to be in. He's funding the—

I want to see Brooks hold somebody up with a gun. Because I want to see if—he'd with a gun. Because I want to see... He'd be so uncomfortable. No, you're wrong. Give me all the money, please. No, he would be the most terrifying. When you watch someone play a villain on TV, it's the ones who calmly, quietly...

No country for old men? ...say, I would like all the money, please. And you're going to freak out. Because this guy's got not just a gun in the pocket. This guy has the whole building rigged to explode. What are the odds, though, that he pulls the gun out facing the wrong way? Well, I'm going to. 78%. Yeah.

He has not held a gun before. But I'm taking the two producers of this show. Yeah. Because I need the money and I need the handyman. It's really a question of who the third one is. I feel like it can't be Josh because the bald head would be like, it was them. It was a dead giveaway. It was shiny.

I could still see him down the street. He kind of looks like a criminal. But he would skip. He's a very happy fella. Okay. It can't be Brian Ketron. He's a loser. He's going to lose all my money.

So I think it can't be Schneider. He looks too much like me's going to lose all my money. So I think it can't be Schneider. He looks too much like me. I'm going with you, Andy. I think Kyle. Now, to be fair, does the bank rob Brooks or does Brooks rob the bank? It's all the same. Is it just when he goes and takes out money? Oh! That's a bank robbery.

He's taking his own money. Give me everything you have. No, it's mine. Give me everything you have. Do you want to weigh in, Mike? I'm bringing him. Let's see. I'm just trying to figure out who's the fall guy. Because that's really all I care about.

Oh, Cat Trink's back in. Okay, he's back. Look, if I'm robbing a bank with other people, that's really what I'm concerned about with is who is actually going to jail. Wade from the website, what is the threshold for being considered tall and inversely what is the threshold for being considered short oh okay and i want to find objective truth here well that's i mean anybody anybody's short or tall based on who they're standing around right we already know we can observe the world but what about objectively you describe yourself

as tall or short and is there an in-between is everybody either tall or short or is there a no there's an average definitely average mike so this is do you consider yourself tall would you say i'm tall i do not that's stupid you. Yeah, you're tall for sure. I mean, you should. You're definitely tall. But you also think you're like six foot, which you're also not. What am I? You're at least 6'1". Okay.

I thought you were going to try and shrink me under my incredible threshold of six. Yeah, you've got to be 6'1". I'm like 6'2 1⁄2". Which every time anybody sees you guys, especially Andy, in public public in a video where you can see him standing it's just like oh my gosh i had no idea andy was that awesome is he like seven feet tall it's because of also the lankiness i'm very lanky i wish i was lanky real stubby more of like a stump now do you consider yourself tall no no and and the reason is because i never hit six foot is there like 5 11 though right so i am 5 11 yes and i bet my mother uh that i would hit

i would hit six foot um i bet her 50 she said i wouldn't i said i would did you ever pay up no uh i i didn't have the opportunity god rest her soul uh but uh but but uh that never made good i never made good man you got away with 50 bucks that's right i did it oh i figured if i held out long enough on on that bet that's fair so have you ever considered lifts because you're so short um no i have not considered lift wait so do you're so short? No, I have not considered lifts. Wait, so do you consider yourself short? No, I am the definition of average. 5'11 is average.

But let's say you were filling out paperwork, and this was to get your passport, and there are two boxes, tall or short, and you had to fill in a box. I would personally pick, oh, man, I'd pick short. It's so sad because what's funny I think you're tall my wife's family I am the giant you're taller than average

I'm the get stuff off the top shelf guy and they've got a huge family I go over to you know it's Thanksgiving there's 35 people there I am looking down on all of them and I only mean physically like I am a towering elf. Absolutely.

They are a short people. But, yeah, so I feel tall there. But, no, in general, I mean, I spend most of my life around you two guys. Yeah, that's true. I'm the short one. Well, not compared to Owl. I think, so, Owl, we're the same height. No, you watch your mouth.

You are just so significantly shorter than me, but what is your height? What's yours? No, genuine question. What is your height? Five, nine and a half. You liar. You're five, eight. I would say, assuming that I'm right.

Assuming that you are five, eight, which I think, can we all agree he's five, eight? I think on like a good day. Right. That's what I'm saying. When the lifts are off, it's 5'7". Like when the hair's done? Right. If he's in a ball camp.

How tall is DeVito? That's a good question. That's a good question. But my point is this. I look at Al Borland and myself as average. So I think we're the range. I think if you're shorter than Al or taller than me, you're tall and short. Do you feel superior to him? Because if you're're both average like mike and i feel superior to everybody here

because of our height right that makes sense i would love to be tall i would love you don't need that your ego's good enough yeah but imagine how far it could go just if you were physically looking down at everybody man bring me i. Bring me. I would be emperor. I genuinely don't know this question. Who's taller, Brooks or Jeremy? I have to imagine Brooks. Well, look at that. We need a back-to-back.

He's on the mic. Back-to-back, guys. Well, how tall are you? I don't know. You don't know how tall you are? This might not be the best audio, but this is happening. Stand up. Back-to-back. this is happening. Stand up. You know Jeremy.

Jeremy is definitely defending his honor. Please tell me that, Brooks. They are identical. I think Jeremy might be a little. They're very close. They are very close. If you're listening, picture two short people standing back to back. All right.

Do you guys live in a mushroom? Yes, that is factual. By the way, you know the great saying, right? 12 times the charm? Spitwads, when's the last time you got rewarded for brushing your teeth? With Quip's smart electric toothbrush, good habits can earn you great perks like free products and gift cards and more. You've probably heard us talk about Quip a million times, but this is something brand new that rewards you and rewards that mouth.

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right now and you'll save $10 on a Quip smart electric toothbrush. That's $10 off a smart electric toothbrush at getquip.com slash ballers. That's spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash ballers. Quip, the good habits company. Liar, liar, pants on fire. Oh yeah'm five nine and a half liar liar is that the lie uh here we go round one if you haven't heard this segment before i will be sharing with you there's three rounds and i'll be sharing three facts per round. Two of them are true. One is a bold-faced lie. We have yet, through 11 times.

Three of us. Three of us. So that's 33 times through. We have not made it all the way through winning against Al. Oh, my gosh. We are. This is the dad. He's a great liar.

He is such a good liar. Round one, Round one. Fact one. A street sweeper in Detroit in the late 30s became known as Joseph the Baby Magnet. Baby Magnet. Baby Magnet. Because on two different occasions, he was struck by babies falling out of fourth story windows while working below. Okay.

That's very specific. windows while working below. Okay. Okay. That's very specific. That's also really eerily timely because, well, I won't even share that. Sorry. But somebody else got hit by somebody. By a baby?

No, not a baby. Oh. Just somebody jumping off a building like yesterday. Oh. It didn't end well. There is a beach. Fact two. There is a beach on the coast of North Carolina that is known as tamagotchi shores in 1997 a shipping container

fell off a cargo ship in a storm spilling almost 100 000 digital tamagotchi pets into the ocean even now 15 to 15 to 20 toys wash up on shore each month. And that was from 1997. Which seems probably around the time that they were. The hotness? The hotness. And then the third fact, wink, wink, a butt, B-U-T-T, was a medieval unit of measurement for wine. Technically, a buttload of wine is about 126 gallons. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness. I feel like that's such a lie that he would make up. Yeah, because it's a buttload. And he wouldn't make up something about a buttload. That's too funny. But I will say this. Think about 126 gallons. That's a buttload of wine.

That's a buttload of wine. I mean, that is true. I mean, at this point, you can't even say it's a lie because that's a buttload of wine. But technically, is it a butt of wine? Is it a unit of measure? If I have to admit that there's a butt of wine. Man. I thought I couldn a butt of wine. Man. I thought I couldn't like wine more.

Wait, so it's... I think the first two are true and the third one's a lie. I think the butt is a lie. All right, that's what you're locking in? It's a medieval unit for a measure of wine. Yeah. How is the measure of wine... I think he left this one wanting.

126 gallons. Yeah, I think he left this one wanting 126 gallons yeah i think he left this one one if you have gallons is there something that is not a load like it's just a butt ton what's about how many gallons is a butt ton now think about this real quick i made the joke about 126 gallons of wine just being a butt load because it is but now think back to medieval times 126 gallons of wine just being a buttload because it is but now think back to medieval times 126 gallons how often would you have 126 gallons a butt of wine but if we all go in on this no i know my life my life is the 30s uh the joseph the baby magnet why are they using imperial and not metric oh the medieval people were definitely using liters. They would not.

They weren't using gallons. Yeah, but he might be translating it in the fact. Oh. I'm locking in that the butt is the lie. I don't think that a man in the 30s had babies fall out of four-story windows. Two different ones? On two different occasions. Unless it's the same baby.

It's like, take your kid! He's your son! Joseph! All right, Mike, you got to lock one in. To be fair, when you were reading that, saying that he became known as the baby magnet, I thought it was going to be for different reasons. Yeah. So wait, we're split well i mean well

i don't know where you're at man sweeper he took the butt but that's what i mean of of wine do i do i need to take the middle one we have talked for the team all of the different options obviously if you don't take the middle one and and it is then that's the lie then we will be devastated however our odds you should improve if you get the right one. Exactly. You should go with whatever you believe is the lie. Because we still have to go through two more rounds, and I'd rather you be around.

Okay. You're doing it again, Al. I think that the lie is going to be. My gut was the street sweeper one, so I'm going to go with that. That's the lie. Oh, man, please don't be the Tamagotchi. All right, I've locked it in. He's so happy.

No! No, it's not. The lie was the middle one that none of you picked. Oh, you are fired! You're fired! You're looking for work. You no longer have a job. You need to go run out and touch the garbage dumpster outside and stay there.

You did bet me 5K at the top of the show that you'd win today, so at least I got a severance. It's in the mail. Have we ever failed in round one? Yes, we have. Oh my gosh. Do we keep going? Now we're just competing against each other. You?

Oh my gosh. Round two. I need more information on this butt load. Do you have some information on it so a butt is a unit is approximately equated to 108 imperial gallons for ale or 126 imperial gallons for wine yeah I mean I just searched buttload of wines it says 126 gallons but a buttload of wine is 126 gallons of wine. This is so unfortunate. Man. I'm sorry, everyone out there.

You should have played the game, Mike. I told you. All right, we need something. So now we're facing each other here? Yes. Yeah. The air is out of my sails. Round two, chess boxing is a sport where opponents alternate rounds of speed chess

and boxing until their foe is either checkmated or knocked out. No. No. I actually know that one's true. What? No. So it's like knight to rook six. I've seen them.

How does it work? If I'm wrong on this, then I dreamt it. Do they have one glove so that the other hand can move the chess piece? They make a move, and then I think they go into a ring and fight, and then they go make another move. So it's not like you made your move, and while you're on the clock, you can be punched? No, no, no.

Oh, man. It's like a formal thing. I got something to watch after the show. Why would I be telling you guys this? I'm competing against you. That one's super a lie. Wait. Is he trying to trick us?

The second one, the artificial sweetener sucralose was discovered when a scientist accidentally misheard test this chemical as taste this chemical that's funny if that's somebody tasted a chemical done for science the third one is red carpets were originally used to celebrate vikings returning from the battlefield and represented the blood of their slain foe. Oh, man. I've always wondered why the carpets are red. Why is red the fancy carpet? I'm locking in the Sucralose lie.

I'm locking in the blood-stained red carpet lie. Mike? Now, tell me more about chess boxing. Yeah, I'm going the red carpet is the lie. All right, Jason and Mike, you got this one right. So the red carpet's the lie, and so some idiot scientist tasted a chemical? Oh, just because they're scientists doesn't mean they're not dumb. Test this chemical.

It's delicious. Very sweet. Okay, so I can either even up or one of you can win this chemical. It's delicious. Very sweet. Okay, so I can either even up or one of you can win this thing. Round three. Gary Kremlin. Kremlin. Gary Grimlin. Grimlin Gary.

Gary Kremlin. Gary Kremlin, the founder of Match.com, went through a tough breakup when his girlfriend left him for a guy she met on match.com oh no and isn't it ironic chris hansen the host of the hidden camera sting operation show to catch a predator was fired by nbc after being caught cheating no on his wife by a hidden camera sting operation. That's a good one.

I see a pattern. And in 2001, John Spinello, the maker of the popular board game operation, died on the operating table during emergency heart transplant. No. I am locking in Chris Hansen as the lie. I actually agree with you. I think that dying on an operating table is a pretty common thing. It happens. You know, and I would say that Gary Crimmins made a great website for finding love.

It was too good. It was too good. His girlfriend agreed, great product Gary. See you later Gary. I'm going to take I'm going to take the Chris Hansen and remove my chance of evening up here. Well I very smart. Think about that as well. The fact that I guarantee my victory if you know we just guaranteed that Andy's the loser. What's the lie. The lie was operation.

Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Mike and I won. Oh yeah. So wait a minute. Chris I went over three and all three of my guesses. Chris Hansen who made a sting camera show. Yes.

This is true. Oh man. It is true. That's show. Yes. This is true? Oh, man. It is true. That's sad. Why? Oh, man. I know that guy. I just Googled him. Yeah, he's the take a seat guy.

But why were they trying to catch him in his infidelity? Now he's been arrested for missing a court date. What is going on? Come on. Chris? Is it the same one? Are you sure? Oh, don't look this up.

No! All right, we're drafting. No! No! The Spitballers Draft. We are drafting the worst things to do while nauseous. So many. Now, I don't know about you guys,

but I legitimately maybe hate nothing more than being nauseous. I despise being nauseous. It's the worst. I love it. It's such a good sign. Can't get enough. I'm not a very nauseous person. I don't get motion sickness.

You're toxic. I mean, I've been like anyone that has gotten sick, has had food poisoning. And when you're in the process of actually having to throw up, it is a nightmare of all nightmares. And you feel like you're going to turn inside out. But it's not too common. I'd say in the last decade, three or four times. It's why you end up wanting to throw up a lot of the times, is you'd rather throw up and have it over with to get rid of the nausea. Now, are you that guy?

Yeah, I'm team get rid of the nausea. But I also hate throwing up worse than being nauseous. But it's short-lived, and nausea is long. But that's to say, do you take matters into your own hands sometimes? Sometimes I hope it happens quick, yeah. I'll go. But you won't force the issue? I've never done that.

Have you done that? Oh, yeah. So you've put your finger down your throat? Yeah, when your body knows, like, this is happening at least sometime in the next hour or whatever. Yeah, I've made it happen. I'm so bad at throwing up, if that's even a thing, that when I've been there, I've been nauseous. He doesn't know where to aim.

No, I've been there. It just goes all over his chest. I feel like I have to throw up, and I am very, very nauseous, and then I try. I do the fingers down the throat. You go for it. And I can't throw up. You want to know why I never do that?

It's because, one, I hate throwing up so much. And two, I always have, I keep a hope and a prayer that this thing's going the other direction. I'm always hoping that maybe it'll go away. Okay. All right. All right. Now to gross everyone out. Well, nauseous.

Well, there's an obvious one. It will exacerbate the nausea. You are trapped and cannot remove yourself from the situation. And, I mean, you're going to be a mess. It's riding a roller coaster. It's the classic. I mean, I know it's the classic answer, but if you put me on a new roller coaster while nauseous,

that is hell on earth and it's not kind to your coaster mates say the nice the nice thing about the coaster barf for the barfer is frequently they are not the one who are then ending the ride covered in vomit right it's someone behind you they're the giver others are receivers there's the bar fee it's hard to bar forward and have people behind you get it and you not get some of it. Just turn your head. Just do this. You do a straight turn. Of course you

do. Yeah, I'm not barfing on myself. And you just go sorry. Wow. Watch your head. Hit him with a heads up. Yeah. Incoming. I told you to Hit him with a heads up. Yeah. Incoming. No.

I told you to duck. If you're that person, think about being that person. And you know they're going, whoop, splash. And you're just going, no. Then you got to ride the rest of the coaster comforted. Now that, anyway anyway someone else's well there you go uh mike you are up on the clock roller coaster is my pick real quick true story i uh went on the gravitron at a fair once which is a city ride this is on my list but

go on and i got off that ride nauseous got onto aris wheel, and threw up on the people below me. You are so lucky. You are so lucky, Jeremy, because on my list, I won't draft it now, was on the Gravitron. If you don't know what the Gravitron is, Is that just the spinny thing? It's just the spinny thing. Why did they invent that?

They invented that so you could throw up on yourself. Because if you stand outside the Gravitron for, I don't know, 30 minutes, and you just watch the gravitron for i don't know 30 minutes and you just watch the people walking off you will see someone walk off covered in their own vomit because it sucks you to the wall like it's just it spins and you lay on the wall and then it slides you up the wall and all you're doing is just having gravity stick you to the outside of this thing and and if you get nauseous watch out because you're it's coming right back at you i've done it once you've done it on the gravitron no not bomb i went on a

gravitron once man when i was a young lad i loved it that was like my favorite no i now we know why they made it because people liked it yeah psychopaths all right you are up so i was trying to think of not just a place where it might exacerbate the problem, but just something that might be really uncomfortable. Absolutely. Should things go sour. So I'm going with smooching. Oh, while kissing.

While smooching. A little make-out sex. Smooching your loved one. I'm not sure there's a return. She'd be going to Match.com pretty quickly. There's no return from a little smooch bomb. No, no, no, no, no, no. We don't have to act all of these out.

But we can. Jason. What, should we eat peanut butter and jelly? I'm up for a double, and the first one is easy. The first one is easy the first one is listening to spitballers is one of the things you can't do while nauseous apparently that is that is fair hey look it's on you you know what we were doing you can pause it i did pick the topic all right um well the first one is clear uh the first one is chugging milk okay i'm not if i'm feeling

nauseous i'm not wanting to chug some milk that is out of the question because i don't know okay talk to me about because oh to like take the acidity down yeah we all know that it's coming up anyways when things are coming up certain things are better than than others like i would much rather uh expel a milkshake than hot wings yeah yeah like so if you're just gonna you know just going to just pad the lining there with some milk, that might be all right. That's interesting. Okay. Well. Can we sell a product that you chug real quick right before?

Prebarf. Prebarf. Yeah. I think that's a great marketing name. Prebarf. Quick. Babe, give me a bottle of the prebarf. Do you want 2% or whole?

Whatever you got. I got whole pre-barf. I need you to chug it. Okay, well, yeah, I'm going to say I don't want pre-barf, so I'm not going to chug that. Trademark. The other one is, it's one of those situations where it's a triple whammy. Oh. Okay, because one, it's not fair to the other person.

Okay. Two, it's not what you would call healthy. Oh, three. Okay. It could cause it. It could put you over the top. All right. And that is going to be performing surgery.

It could put you over the top. All right. And that is going to be performing surgery. You don't want to be performing surgery. The old John Spinello? Yeah, like, oh, that's, oh, uh-oh. Just sew it in. Just wipe it out. Just get the vacuum.

Oh, man. Wow. And you got the mask on. I'm getting a little bit nauseous. Well, hold on. Don't chug milk. All right. Pre-barf.

Chug pre-barf. Mike, you are back on the clock. All right. It's one of those places where they're prepared because they know that it's going to happen they know that when people are inside of this thing you got a little baggie just in case and i'm talking about the riding an airplane yeah it is the ultimate nightmare scenario for those who have anxiety the i am a man who suffers greatly from anxiety first thing i do when i sit down an airplane air conditioning goes on full blast and then the peak make sure that the bag is really oh because you

need peace of mind knowing i've i've never actually barfed on a plane i've gotten like i think it's gonna happen really what i would have been nice to have some pre-barf but but wouldn't it but it's never happened but just the peace of mind knowing it's there and i don't and it like if the moment happens i'm not just helpless and it's going on the floor or whatever so that's the second thing i check wow that i mean and if it's not there, oh, man. Would you go right into that little pocket, though? Oh. Is that the back of the plane? This is on you.

This is on you, airline. Wow. Yeah, I mean, a plane is, that's unsettling. I've never gotten that close on a plane, but that's frightening. What's your second pick? Also, can we just- That was it. No, it's you.

Oh, it's me. That's frightening. What's your second pick? Also, can we just... That was it. No, it's you. Oh, it's me. That's right. Let's throw out the fact that, like, I mean, I've never done this, but I can't fathom puking in a little paper bag. Like, I need a big bowl. I mean, like, I don't know. That seems... Well, not every time for the air sickness are you going to have a full expelling. I always have a full belly, Mike.

At all times. That's my my secret i'm always full i have a six pack of pre-barf before every flight just in case all right um i'm going to go with my next pick is going to be I'm going to go with jump on a trampoline oh that's a good one up and down if I have to put in 10-15 minutes on a trampoline that's not going to end well

so that's my second pick also I would love to see you try and jump on a trampoline for 10 minutes you have no idea if you've ever been on a trampoline for 10 minutes. You have no idea. Yeah. If you ever been on a trampoline lately. It's been a bit. It's exhausting.

You can get sweaty on a trampoline. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then I'm going to go skydiving. Oh, yeah. That's on my list. I think skydiving is, especially if it's, I'm going to go tandem skydiving. Yeah.

Okay. That's perfect. Because if you are, are i mean gravity does something and you're nauseous and then you start we i wonder if you have to pay more to your instructor oh for sure just like you tip them oh it's like a here's 100 for the puke like don't Ubers have those things where it's like a cleanup fee? Ooh. Yeah.

But it's for the tandem skydiver body. So, yeah, skydiving. All right. I'm going with... I don't know if I want to be broad or nail it down. Whatever. We'll go more specific. We go with uh the bench press i was thinking about exercise exercising would be bad in general yeah but i think specifically if you

are laying on your back attempting to push heavy weight away from you not good that could be a real situation where it's just spilling out gross yeah jason yeah that's bad so i have i have uh a couple left on my list here um i'm i'm i'm it right i've got no last oh no oh i don't finish this one no okay well then i will not share my list hmm this makes it more difficult i have two to pick here wait it's more you already knew what you want to pull the audience knew what you were going to pick, but now that you can't share the answers that you're not actually picking, it's difficult. No, I was, I was going to work through my pick and figure it out. Um, I'm going to start with, um, going to the dentist. I don't, I don't want someone rooting around in my mouth, putting the tools a little bit too close down my throat.

What do they call that thing at the back of your throat, Jason? The dangly thingy. Ovula? No. I knew I'd get something. Is it close? It is. It's uvula.

Okay. That's fine. True story. Mine's an oval, so yours is more of a U-shaped. I've done this. I went to... You've been nauseous and gone to the dentist? I have not been nauseous.

I've been incredibly nauseous. Back in the day of where I was on a super strict diet, and I can't remember the brand of... There's a burger. It's a plant-based burger. Okay. Oh, shoot. I can't think of the name of – there's a burger. It's a plant-based burger. Okay. Oh, shoot. I can't think of the name of it.

We don't care. Owl, maybe you can find something. But it's important to it. So they're fake burgers. They're veggie burgers, and they're actually okay. And I would eat them without bun because carbs are the devil when you're, when you're trying to get super shredded. And I got a different flavor and it was like a, like an onion or whatever, something. And it was so horrific when I, when I ate it and I was just like, this is a, this is a situation, but I have to eat now and I'm running late. I got to go to the dentist and I just felt like I was going to vomit the whole entire time and now it's a legend in my house that this thing is called the foot

burger because every every time I would belch it's one of those ones where you're burping it up I felt like I was burping up a sweaty gym sock oh nice so I have experienced pre-barfed i have experienced going to the dentist when i i felt like i ate gym socks yeah i would imagine that was not a good experience um and then and then the other one i'm gonna go with here um is another situation i there's a situation you don't want to go poorly this This is a moment. This is your moment. Okay. This is your moment.

And it's saying your vows. Okay. I don't want to be, you know, I'm nauseous and all of a sudden I get pushed over the top. I do. I do throw up all over you. You know, the white pretty dress. We're in close proximity. People are watching.

I'm sure someone has done this. Oh, for sure. She would probably not feel great about it. And I'm sure they're divorced. So, you know. That's definitely happened. Yeah. So I don't want to ruin my wedding day with puke.

Okay. Mike, your final pick. I don't know why this is the version of this activity that came up to me, but this is where we are. So I'm going with square dancing. Okay. Oddly specific. Isn't there a lot of arm and arm and a lot of spinning around and do-si-dos

and swing your partner to and fro? Like the electric shuffle would be easier. Out my tummy, it will go. No, yeah. Electric slide would be no problem. Right. That was a good rhyme. I liked it.

I missed it. Can I hear it again? Sorry. No, it's one-timer. Aw, darn. No one will ever know. Ba-ding to the ba-dang to the. But square dance.

And you're in a silly get-up already. Did you guys have to square dance at school? No, at school? Your school made you square dance? I think we had an outdoor ad that they made us square dance at. In junior high, in P.E., we had square dancing. Now, in P.E., I did not have that. No, P.E., we did, like, basketball.

We had square dancing. Thank you, Owl. Wow. Were you in my school district? No, no, no, You were a different one. Peoria Unified? Yeah, I was in Deer Valley. Somehow, you guys avoided the square dancing. It was

incredibly awkward. Or I've blacked it out from my memory, which is highly likely. For my final pick, I am going to go with while singing the national anthem at a sporting event. I imagine that would be that high note man oh and the home of the oh man i mean that you know i've always thought about this guy

hates america boo this man i've always thought that if you are singing the national anthem. He just puked on the flag. You are ready to be maimed. I mean, if you're performing at a national event, it's 100% recorded, 100% of people see in you, like NBA finals, ML, you know, World Series. How much is there to gain? Exactly. If you move your hand the wrong way or do something funky or like a fly, if a fly lands on you out of your own control.

Yeah, you've done nothing wrong. You're a meme forever. Like, can you guys off the top of your head think of like, this person did the anthem at the whatever, the Super Bowl, whatever. And it was incredible. What's the most memorable anthem you can remember? Roseanne Barr. Is that real?

Did she really do an anthem? Oh, this was legendary because it was so bad. Oh. Yeah, and like- Wait, so she gained nothing from that? No, what good one? Do you remember a good one? A good one.

I think I saw Vanessa Hudgens' Crush one. Oh, she did the- She was at the finals game we were in. Yeah, yeah. She did great. But I think of the bad ones. And Fergie. Oh, yeah.

Do you guys remember the Fergie one? No. Oh, man. That thing is legendary. They're cutting to the shots of the basketball players, and they're like, oh, what is happening? There's very little to gain. Very little to gain.

Lots to lose. You'll be memed, and my goodness, if you puke on yourself. It's done little to gain. Very little to gain. Lots to lose. You'll be memed, and my goodness, if you puke on yourself. It's done. Not good. So, oh gosh, I'm seeing pictures of Roseanne Barr singing the anthem. I'm also seeing a picture of a groom throwing up in the middle of his own wedding. Yeah, that's for sure. It's happened.

Neither are good things. No, and because there's going to be some self-consciousness from the old spouse in that situation. But what do you do? Yeah, because. If you're the groom. No, it wasn't because of you. Let's walk through this. We're about to close out the show, but you're the groom.

You're up. You're in place. And you just are like, uh-oh, I'm going to puke. What do you do? Because you can't. Can you make it funny? Can you say timeout? Can you throw up a timeout symbol and run?

You have to. Yeah, it's a pro move, man. Can you say I'm coming right back? Because the other thing is they go, oh, hold on, I'll be right back. They might think you're not coming back. That's what I mean. Like, if you're already up there. Oh, you know what you do?

You pretend to faint. Then they'll drag you out of there, you puke, and you get back in. Is there a way to hide it? Puke and rally? Is there a way to hide it? Depends and rally? Is there a way to hide it? Depends how big the pumpkin is. Can you hide a puke? Can you turn your back to the audience while she's walking down the aisle? You know, she's coming down.

That's your only chance. All the eyes are on her and you just try to kind of, you try to be as quiet as possible. You can, but then you're just going to puke again. That's not the pre-bar if you want. If it's Greek Orthodox, you can take his hat and then flip it over. Here you go. Here's your hat. All right.

Give him the hat back. All right. Other things on my list. I had eating cream cheese. Oh, gross. Cartwheels. Running a marathon. Okay.

I would not want to do that. Changing a diaper. yeah i did say if you were you never want to be in a situation you can smell something bad when you're like at a fish market would have been a good one or just like next to someone who's already barfing yes that's actually a really good graphic barfer i you a sympathetic barfer? I'm not. I have been brought very close. I wouldn't call it sympathetic. I would call it disgusted. No.

I'm not like barfing because I want to be with you. I'm barfing because you're disgusting me right now. Does the sight of someone else having that happen, does it cause you to get sick? I think it might. If someone else is barfing, I don't stick around. Your kids? I mean, what are they going to do for me at this point? Also said VR.

Playing on VR is not a good idea while nauseous. You don't even know where you're throwing up. What did we learn today? Take that, aliens. I learned that if you are stealing something from a store, you're fine if you skip. I learned that if you really, something from a store, you're fine if you skip. I learned that if you really, really are worried about throwing up, you can poke your ovula and take some pre-barf.

But no, true stories. Hum. Just telling you. Well, okay. Tomato, tomato. I'll pre-barf you hum. We'll see which one works. That's a factual pro tip for everybody out there.

I learned that ants have no terminal velocity. Just regular velocity. Just velocity. Well, that was one of the more disgusting ends to a show we've ever had. Yeah, and we've had several. Yeah. It's nice to pivot from poop. Yeah.

All the body is welcome here. Goodbye. All right. For the three of us and our short producer farewell thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com hey spitwats. The show's over, but this is what's called a post-roll ad.

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