Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 168: Moon Poops & An NHL Mascot Battle Royale - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

Today’s episode kicks off with a heated debate about Hollywood. We then talk about Mike’s juvenile crusty forehead problem and pooping in zero gravity. After dishing out some invaluable Life Advice, we ice this show with an NHL mascot battle royale. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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That's what I would say. And they have refill blades that start at two bucks. Easy decision here. There's never been a better time to try Harry's out. Go to harrys.com slash spitballers to get their starter set for just three bucks. It's a 100% satisfaction guarantee. You got nothing to lose. So go to harrys.com slash spitballers right now and get this special offer. That's h-a-r-r-y-s.com slash spitballers. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations,

and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Do karate with my iced light tank Okay I feel like I did not pronounce the word latte correctly Okay, so that's what I was going to say I was going to say Do karate with my iced latte I loved it

I really loved it I was just confused about what the iced thing was I thought it was iced lightning I thought it was like you're trying to mush the syllables I was going latte, but somehow just Charlie Brown, the football, got pulled right at the end. I was feeling it. It's amazing how many times I've thought I've been on the right path

with a scout, and then you get in. It's like the eye of a hurricane. Oh, yeah. I mean, you're just looking at that train. You're like, I can beat that. I can beat that train. No problem. That's exactly it.

So the music starts going. Yes. And you have one mental run through because it does the same drop at the very beginning. And you time it out. And you're like, that's it. That's what I'm going with. I've never done that. Well, that's why yours are always terrible, Jason.

Mine are awesome. Yeah. Yeah, we know that you're not going to get another shot because we're an unrelenting group of people. We're not going to forgive. We're going to commemorate, save the file. There's only so much RAM. Yeah, you're not going to lose it. But welcome into the Spitballers, episode 168.

Would you rather on the show today? We'll be answering some life advice questions and we'll be completing the mascot battle Royale. We'll be doing the NHL today. Now, Jason knows so little about the NHL. He asked openly whether many of these teams were real and the Florida, you thought there was like a Wolves or something? Oh, yeah. You thought the Hollywood Wolves were a team? Google said there was a Hollywood Wolves. I'm like, all right, I'm surprised that Hollywood has a team

because it's not even a real city. But the mascots are what matter here. Hold on. Hollywood is not a real city. Correct. Hollywood is not a real city. Hold on. Hold on. Do you want to make sure of that i will google but i'm pretty confident as in your address cannot be hollywood it can technically be hollywood but it is not wouldn't that say the district within the city of los angeles

there it is boom bam but but your address can be in Hollywood. Wouldn't that mean you live in Hollywood? A real place? I think we're wrong on this one to question him. You're saying you were talking to Mike there. Yeah, that's correct. I used to live there. Yeah, you used to live there.

That's exactly my point. Well, no, you can live in New England, but that's not a state or a city. Mike's saying you could put it on your post. When someone sends you a piece of mail, does it say- You can't put Tinseltown on there, can you? No. Does it say Hollywood on the envelope or not? This is a thing in the United States of America where you can have an address that has almost

like a DBA of the city name when you actually are located. They'll find you. You're actually located in a legitimate, the actual city, the incorporated city is a. Is Los Angeles. Right, and that's all throughout the country. This is not exclusive to Hollywood. But yes, it could be.

But it's a real place and it's in an address. And that's fine. I'm not saying it's not a place. I'm saying it's not a city. Okay, well, whatever. It's a village. I don't care. Right.

I don't know when it's appropriate to move on. You guys are in a spirited debate. Because this is just, people come here to learn. And we're learning. I'm not learning anything. We're learning right now. Oh, you're learning a ton. You're learning a ton. You're learning that Hollywood is not its own city.

I'm learning you can live in a place that's not a real place, but you can still get your mail there. Right. Yeah, there you go. Even though we all agree it's not real. Yeah, but there is a city in California called West Hollywood. That's an actual city. Oh, it is?

It's formally a city? Just not regular Hollywood? Correct. So how does that. That's an actual city. Oh, it is? It's formally a city? Just not regular Hollywood? So how does that... That's so confusing. There is no east side of Hollywood, is what you're saying. That's right. There's only west side.

There's only west. Look, I mean, it's the west side story from Hollywood. Ooh, I'm a shark. At Spitballers Pod on Twitter, Apple Podcasts, thank you for subscribing, reviewing the show over there. We read them. Apple Podcasts. Thank you for subscribing, reviewing the show over there. We read them.

We appreciate them. And, well, I was going to say we're going to jump into Would You Rather, but I don't even have the button. Oh, no. So that's Al's fault. There it is. Would You Rather. I do need to apologize real quick. Sorry. Sorry to cut you off there andy i said producers implying that it was the fault of our producing team um that the button was there was

not there but in fact it was just one of them i'll take partial responsibility because the button was there the butt well was the button there the butt look i just accept a partial responsibility he normally puts them really elegantly at the top in order of what's happening on the show that's where i look so this is a ron burgundy he had last week's drops in there because he gives this show no attention um would you rather jonathan jon Jonathan from the website? It's got six zip codes. How can this? Oh, my gosh. Would you rather have anything or have everything? What does that even mean?

Oh, let's get deep. What is happening today? Let's get deep. Would you rather have anything or have everything? So is this just like. Well, look, if you have everything, nothing is special. Yeah, if you have everything, do you have nothing? Is that the same thing?

Because the phrase, everyone is special, but if everyone is special, that means that nobody is special. Mathematically, it cancels itself out. So if you have everything, do you in fact have nothing? I believe that is the case. I believe if you have everything. I do feel like you strip things from people. If you say everybody's special, you strip the ability to have a special moment or a special day or a special accomplishment. Absolutely.

And really what you're doing is you're just lying. First of all, because everyone's not special. I've met plenty of people that are like, that is the plainest person I've ever met in my life. There is nothing significant or special about them. How would you describe them? Ordinary. I would just say they're unspecial. It's like one of my unspecial friends.

Run of the mill. Total plain vanilla yogurt. Yeah. But I still am having a hard time with this one because, you know, is this like a warehouse? Do I have everything in a warehouse? do I have everything at my disposal? Isn't having everything at my disposal the same as having anything at my disposal? Well, here's the thing.

If you have everything, think about the vastness of that, right? You have the world. It's all yours, which just means that none of that matters. If you have anything, anything you want, then that one thing you want becomes extremely valuable, and you could put it where you live. It's like, look at lunch. What do you want for lunch? Yeah, anything.

What if you say, what do you want for lunch? Everything. Well, now I'm taking the everything. Now that you put it in lunch terms, you totally swayed me to the other side. Because if you ask, like, if I go to a restaurant and they say you can have anything you want, my order would. That's what they, yeah, do you want anything or do you want everything? If they say you can have anything you want, I would want everything. I would say, yes, please.

I'm just, I can't wrap my head around the practicality of this question. Because do you get anything you want anytime you want? Or is this purely philosophical here? I think this is philosophy. You don't come to the Spitballers podcast for actionable advice. You come for deep thought. so then i'm with you i'm with you on the if you have everything you have nothing is unique and special it's like when i was a kid i still tell my kids this like if i wanted to collect sports cars today you know i could just go buy

a bunch of packs of sports cards or go on e and buy a bunch of things. Because you're a grown man. Because I'm a grown man. You got some money in your pocket. I could waste some of my money in that way. But as a kid, I saved three allowances to buy one pack, and that pack was uniquely special because it took time to get. Or Christmas came, and why Christmas was special is I got three or four things I could never afford.

Let me put it this way, Andy. Let's say you had everything. Now it's your birthday. Yeah, I get nothing. How much does that suck? It's not special. No. Because you already have everything.

You're going to get doubles. What if it was your birthday every day? Or it's just one day? Yeah, exactly. I've seen a great video. I think Elmo might have been behind it about what if- The great Elmo? The one and only.

The philosopher. The director. From Hollywood. It was Christmas every day. Yeah. And they thought it was like the wish came true and then it sucked because... Oh, no, that's in the Duck Kids. Donald Duck.

It's Mickey number two. Mickey's Christmas special number two. Maybe that's what it is. I'll bet there's more than one of these stories. No, no, no. They could only tell that story once. So, I don't know. We've probably covered this.

Look, we're 168 episodes in to this podcast. We're over 1,000. Lucky number 168. We're over 1,000 podcasts in on the Fantasy Footballers. So, I don't know what we have and what we have not talked about. But this is, we think we want everything. Like, I want to have it all. And I'm going to just, but I'm going to narrow this down

to the streaming debate, the streaming conversation. Because I know that you two are on the complete opposite side, I believe. Let's see. When a new show is released, should every episode be available at release, or should it be once a week? Do you want everything, or do you just want to have something? If you release one episode at a time, it is because your platform is tiny, and you don't have enough catalog for me to blast through it and

you're worried about hooking me and keeping my money longer no you give me everything you're talking to disney plus i'm talking to disney plus hbo hbo and um who else there's at least one more yeah apple tv all the platforms everybody but netflix well actually netflix does that too they don't only release it that way. There's shows on Netflix that go one at a time? I have never seen a one-at-a-time show on Netflix since House of Cards. Maybe it's been a while. No, they're like, stuff your face.

You can't get enough. Here's more. Feed that addiction. Do you want everything, or do you just want the one? I like one a week. I love one a week. I love one a week. I think it gives you something to look forward to. It's so much better.

Let's just be clear with the listenership. Jason is not the case study focus group that these companies are looking for. Jason, the other day, I'm just going to quote him. Mr. Menu everything over here? Yes. Let me just quote Jason Moore. The other day, within recent memory, he said, my wife and I just started Peaky Blinders, the show.

At lunch today. Okay, so lay the foundation for this. Because I'm aware of the title, I don't know when it came out. I have no idea how many episodes there are, how many seasons there are. But I think that's very important for the context of this. There are five full seasons of Peaky Blinders. Oh my gosh. Okay. The other day he says we're just started Peaky Blinders. We like

it so far. At lunch today he said we have a few episodes left of Peaky Blinders. This was not a large amount of time. Look, that's not on me. This is by the order of the Peaky Blinders um i had to watch it that fast but um in my defense in my defense if i could have another gripe on streaming shows um more seasons more episodes per season because look and i think i think i can get you guys on on on my side on this one thing

the peaky blinders which is a great show not a sponsor um so now that you've watched it all is a good show is a great show fantastic um not for everybody scarecrows in it right but yes scarecrow is and he's outstanding um but there's only six episodes every single season, which is insane. That's like a night. That's one night for you. Right. Well, it's half a night, but I would say that, you know, that's what, what do they call those? A limited series. You know what I mean?

Like, that's what, they're doing that every season. Six episodes is not enough. Get your act together. Yeah, okay. But it's a great show. Who does, I mean, six, yes, I agree. Six is a limited amount. Ten is the barometer for this is a full season.

Is that like Stranger Things, like eight or nine or ten, somewhere around there? Somewhere around there. All right, well, we should move on. So I'm changing my answer officially to everything. Yeah. Jennifer from Patreon, would you rather have a perpetually runny nose or perpetually watery eyes? Oh, man. I have this problem with one of my eyes.

You still have one eye that just waters? Yeah, the left side of my left eye is always watery. Wait, hold on. But it's one side of one eye. Is this a tear duct dilemma? Could be. Could be. No, no, no.

No, tear ducts are on the inside. Yeah, there's only one tear duct. Yeah, so it's not. Okay, so we've ruled that out. Not a tear duct problem. It's my outside tear duct. I've got four tear ducts. You should see me cry.

Well, there's your problem. I go nuts when there's a sad movie on. I could drown someone. I cry quattro. Now, are you feeling extra sad on the left side of your body? I might be. I mean, this could be a stroke situation. I'm not sure.

Oh, no. I mean, I'm not a doctor, so I'm not entirely sure. But I do know. Here's what's crazy. It looks a little watery right now. I don't know if you guys see me do this a lot, but I'll bet you anything that, I mean, we've got literally thousands of hours of recording. The amount that I do this and touch and get that-

You wipe that spot? I thought you were just thinking. This is how I think. I touch a side of my eye and I go, hmm. get that you wipe that spot i thought you were just thinking this is how i think i touch i touch the side of my eye and i go hmm um we all like everyone's got a tick from time to time yeah i thought that was yours no mine's rubbing my lips yeah i've seen you do that always rub my when i'm deep in thought i don't know that i'm rubbing my lips i'm always rubbing my lips but i you're a weird guy we've all got our idiosyncrasies i just get a few more

um that explains why sitting over here at this desk i've always thought you were crying and mike has never thought you were crying right you're on my left um so now what was the other option oh runny nose all the time i mean a runny nose is uh In this day and age, you're not allowed. That's like socially unacceptable? Yeah, that's true. Also, you've stayed relatively healthy for touching your eyes and your lips all day long. Yeah, I have. I'm a pretty...

What's crazy is for all of my lack of... Hygiene. No, I've got good hygiene, but for all of my lack of... Willpower. Willpower is a good one. You can add that to the list. Taking care of myself. Okay.

Okay. I think that's health-wise, physical activity, discipline, those things, all of those. I think we were... Exhibit A was that you've consumed 30 hours of Peaky Blinders in about two days. I mean, it's Peaky Blinders in about two days. I mean, it's Peaky Blinders. But we have had blood tests, you know, done for doctor visits. And, you know, we've gotten insurance as a company. And we've all had to go get our health checked up on.

And every single time, I'm healthy as a horse. I don't have blood pressure problems. I don't have prediabetesabetes which is shocking because i should um i'm i'm a pretty he's been buying blood for someone else for a long time i'm a pretty healthy fella and that is something i should never have verbalized out loud does it give you a false sense of security no it gives me a jinx i don't want to live with all right uh the stuff i don't know if the runny nose i could handle that but runny eyes i wipe my tear on my eye all the time i don't feel like i immediately need to go wash my hands if i if i wipe wash your hands if you blow your nose or something if i

wipe my nose like if my nose is draining and i wipe it i am that graduated super gross and use your bare hand well sometimes you have to if you're if you don't have a tissue or something, just give a little flick. I feel like that hand is now unusable. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like I you know, if you have to wipe up a runny nose and now it's like I'm down to one hand, I've got one wipe left. I better not be driving or I'm going to be driving with my chin.

I think I've talked about on this show that as a wee lad, the allergies and everything that I had to deal with, that I would often do the bullring with the Kleenex, where you just twist it up. You're saying both sides of the nose. Yeah, because you get to the point where your nose is just so raw. You poor thing. I appreciate that.

Thank you. But part of of that then as as a younger lad i would often go to um just like a full hand swipe up oh that sounds gross it's how you get green hair well no that's exactly where i'm going and not the hair but apparently when i was like like a four or five year old iold, I would always just have a shiny, crusty-looking forehead. No, you put boogers on your forehead? I dragged it all the way up. And now, my youngest, who, bless his soul, he inherited the schnoz of his old man and all of the the mucus problems he too has joined the the the club with the shiny forehead now i can think of a product

to cure these ills now you used to roll up the kleenex and put kleenex on both sides that's not going to stay there long that's not a permanent you'd be surprised but what if there were basically like plugs with a strap that went behind your head and just held your nose closed you want your nose closed what is your nose open when you bullring it with kleenex when you shove no but it's not it's not restricting the flow but it doesn't sound like this hey everybody yeah i don't know if i'm down for the strap. I mean, I don't deal with... You could at least do like fun animal noses then. Oh, that's true. Like a

little pig nose. They didn't have allergy medicine when you were a kid, eh? Oh, they had it. No match? No match for you? Yeah. Allergy medicine. That was pre-Claritin days? That's a racket. Those are the snake oil.

Right. I'm going to vote for the runny nose. Oh, there was a question. Because I think that the perpetually watery eyes, not just one side of one eye like Jason, but if both my eyes were watery all the time, it just makes life difficult. It does, but wiping your eye is, I think,

far more socially acceptable than wiping a runny nose. Exactly. So you're worried about the wipe, not how it affects. Like my vision being obfuscated by tears all the time. That was an incredibly big word. Yeah. O-B-F. I am so impressed right now.

You don't even know if it's real. No, I know. I assume it's real. I just can't spell it or say it. John from Patreon, would you rather have to poop underwear or poop? Wait. What's funny is this kind of made sense because I know that there are dogs who have eaten underwear and they have to poop it out.

All right, let me try that again. Would you rather poop underwear or wear it? I didn't read that well uh john from patreon would you rather have to poop underwater or poop in zero gravity interesting well this this one's really easy unless you can strain the underwater one because if i am pooping underwater in the ocean that's fine is that fine it is if i'm pooping underwater in the ocean, that's fine. Is that fine? It is. If I'm pooping underwater in my pool or in a bathtub or somewhere constrained where it's floating around me like zero gravity, that's a different story. But both are floating around you, right?

Like, no matter what, even if you're in the ocean. Don't care. It's floating around you. But my point is this. The salt takes care of it. Yeah. Sanitary. Wait, does the salt really? No salt takes care of it. Yeah, sanitary. Wait, does the salt really?

No, that's a lie. Okay, you almost got me there. You almost gullibled me into this. The salt kills all the bacteria. He starts putting salt in it. Just put salt on it. Oh, man. Dog threw up.

Just put some salt on it. You're fine. He's taking dumps in the kitchen. Man, that would be great, though, if you could just put some salt on it you're fine um i was taking dumps in the kitchen uh man that would be great though if you could just put some salt on it like oh we got a huge bacteria problem just put some salt um but my point is like when you're in zero gravity there's nothing connecting i mean there there's technically still molecules there, right? Like, there's gas, but there's liquid around you that is connecting you to the fecal matter. In water. In water.

That's worse than zero gravity. In zero gravity, it's away from me and nothing is connecting it to me. Just depends on what kind of number two we got today. Oh, that's a good... So, water may come with the package. Oh, man. Zero gravity is worse for the loosey-goosey deuce. Astronauts have to have some type of vacuum, right?

They have to. Oh, yeah. There's a vacuum toilet, right? Well, I mean, there's... I think it would be the opposite of a vacuum. What, like blowing? That's not good. Wait, wait, wait. Just stay in there you stay in okay hold up no

i'm not talking about getting it out of your body they don't have a vacuum to get it out of the body there's no way i know but it's like you sit you like i'm imagining some kind of just a vacuum hose that that just goes right up next to the bum bum and while you're going you you just you hold the button and turns it on because if there's nothing if it's just you and zero gravity and a hole it's not going in there it's not happening well no it's not going to go you're not going to sit on a toilet maybe what they do is because you can't sit no i know okay i've got an idea here's what i would do now nasa if you can't sit. No, I know. Where is it going? Okay, I've got an idea. Here's what I would do. Now, NASA, if you're listening...

I'm sure they have not figured... They're still struggling with the body problem. Well, they could be struggling, but listen. If all you do is... We got to the moon, but we can't poop in space. You take off that suit. You just do your duty. You just squeeze one out.

Okay. Ziploc back, man. You just hover right over that. Zip it up. Done. Like an air grab of your... An air grab of your turd. You just...

Like a net. Like a butterfly in a beautiful net. You just put it right over. Zip it up. You can keep it as trophies or expel it into space. Whatever you want. Well, that's where the loosey-goosey is a problem. I thought you were going to say there was part of the the space station or the spacecraft where you go you do

just go into the zero gravity then you leave that area and then you airlock it airlock right well that's what i was saying the blower is do we hold the poo or do we would know is there a poo room there has to be poop in space. There has to be now. There is poop floating. We definitely ejected into space. I know that for a fact. Do we really? Awesome. That is awesome.

This space is claimed as ours. We do not bring it back. No, we blast that stuff out into the great beyond. This was actually on my list as one of the liar, liar facts. There's like 96 bags of poop on the moon right now. Thank you. Wait, why on the moon? Oh, because of the moon's gravity. It just loves it. There's no gravity on the moon, now. Thank you. Wait, we sent it to the moon? Oh, because of the moon's gravity.

It just loves it. There's no gravity on the moon, is there? There's some gravity. Wait, say that again? From the moon landings. They took 96 turns? Man, when you land on the moon, you got to go. Listen, you might go twice.

You might go four times. But if you step foot on that moon, you got to turn. No, no, no, no, no. 96 bags of poop on the moon? Okay, so this has to be they landed on the moon and they brought everything out. Correct. Okay. So there's 96 poops on the way to the moon?

There's an infinite regrowing space. The six Apollo missions that landed on the moon produced 96 bags of waste. Okay, but that doesn't mean that they're on the moon. That seems like a children's book. The 96 bags of poop on the moon. They didn't leave them on the moon, did they? They didn't. Pass it around.

Why would you leave it on? You have the infinite space of space and you're going to be like, let's leave it here so someone's going to find this. You're saying why don't you just swing and huck it into space? All you got to do is I mean, if you just give one little light toss and a direction away,

it's going forever. Until it lands in some... What if that thing hits orbit and comes back to the space station? What would we do if we found the space poop of another creature? Oh, my goodness. What if that was the first sign of intelligence life on another planet was we found a bag full of green purple poop. Take a whiff of this.

Yes, that's what it says. Well, that's what we write on ours. I don't know what the aliens would do. Take a whiff of this. Yes, that's what it says. Well, that's what we write on ours. I don't know what the aliens would do. Take a whiff of this. Just pranking aliens, man. It's totally worth it. Was there a question here? I have no idea.

Pooping in zero gravity or? Oh, I would. Oh, or underwater. I'm totally taking zero gravity now. Yeah, you gotta go. This is fascinating. Really? You both think that?

Let me ask you this. Look, the water means that that poop can get into my ears that's my concern yes oh your ears your eyes and also try to ziploc bag that thing underwater it's going to be very it's possible but it's going to be moving away from you as you try to approach haven't all of us had one of our kids at one point in time take a dump in the pool no No, never. In the pool? None of you have had to clean up poop in a pool? No.

Good parent alert. What about a poop in a... Yeah, because the good parents keep their toddlers from pooping. Oh, keep them in diapers. No, you put them in a swim diaper. What about the bathtub? Nope. We've never had a tub poop either. I don't know.

Maybe my wife has. I've had to clean up a tub poop. I understand. That certainly does happen. It was a great time. Okay. But moving on now. I know what I'm doing after the show.

Zero gravity pooping? I wish. No, that is researching how scientists poop in space. And I don't know why they're scientists. They might not be. Astronauts was the word I was looking for, but specifically now scientists. I'm going to research how scientists poop on Earth.

Yes. Scientists have got to do it. They figured out something better than what I'm doing. Okay. I have an alert for you. Okay. So in 2018, NASA spent $23 million on a new and improved toilet for astronauts on the International Space Station. There we go.

To get around the problems of zero-gravity bathroom breaks, the new toilet is specially designed vacuum toilet. Yes. There are two parts. Yes. A hose with a funnel at the end for peeing. Yes. Wow, Mike. Yes.

A small raised toilet seat for pooping. Mike. I would have done this for $18 million, NASA. I was here the whole time. Now, this brings up a new problem. Yes. Oh, no. Let's keep it going.

We might need to choose the underwater because I don't have $23 million to make this. I mean, if they had to invest $23 million to fix this problem, it sounds like pooping in zero gravity is a no-win situation. Do we have any pool toilets that have been invented down at the bottom of the pool we got all i gotta do is take that little uh cleaner off the end of that tube and then just done done i saved money i didn't even have to spend on this thing feel bad for the pool guy a little bear all right oh barra tudor let's go barra poopa it's right there you know number two

is how i went i thought it worked okay that was a lot of poop talk al i know that you want us to stay here but do i have permission to move on you do spit wads we all know that person who brings the best wine to the party something something new and different every time. How do they do it? Well, Latheweights is a wine subscription that is easy to help you bring new, exciting wines right to your doorstep. You can unbox a world of wine with easy access to different and unexpected winemakers from all over the globe.

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Spitmolers to the rescue. Alec from Patreon, I am getting married in 12 months. Oh, congratulations, Alec. And divorced in 16. Oh, that's so sad. No, that's not what he said. He said, I'm getting married in 12 months, and I got to get it right and get it tight before the beach honeymoon. Yes, you do.

What actor's body should I be aspiring towards? What muscles should be most important? I mean, there's only one answer to this. Okay, let's hear it. I mean, it's Ryan Reynolds by 10 billion. What about Baby Goose? Doesn't he got what it takes? Give me a break.

Ryan Reynolds and Baby Go baby goose getting a fight and baby goose gonna look like a little boy in there getting so what beat around by ryan reynolds what movie ryan reynolds is your ideal physique um that's a great question mike um deadpool is obviously he's, right? So he's like shredded for that. But I'm going to go with, surprising answer, maybe it's recency bias, but it's Free Guy. Because in Free Guy, the new movie- No, he's not shredded in that movie too, is he? Dude, he is on- No, they have a fake character though. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not talking about the end of the movie where it's his face on some other giant, you know, making the rock look like a tiny guy's body. Sorry. No, but so let me just say the truth here. Dude, run. Okay, go. Do it. I watched this movie.

Uh-huh. And he is known in this movie for just wearing a blue shirt. He's just got a blue shirt on. Yes. Spoiler. Sorry. And the whole movie, front to back, all I could think of the whole time is, damn, he looks good. I couldn't believe.

I couldn't even wrap my head around how that's the... He's older than me. He's 44. That's when I was upset. I'm so upset. And he's funny. And he's got good chemistry. Okay, someone's in love.

I am in love with Ryan Reynolds. I am 100%. I do not have a problem with this. Guilty as charged. I would go for the Paul Giamatti Beach Bot. Ooh, I can achieve that. I think you can get there. Yeah, I mean, that's more my cup of tea.

Or the guy from Lady in the Water with just the giant arm. Just works out one side. Just work out one side of the body for the. Wait, is that true? No. I've never seen that movie. It's a character in the movie. I understand that.

But there's a character in. There's a character in a movie. And all he does is work out one side of his body. Yeah. But then it comes into play during the very nifty M. Night Shyamalan ending. But what is. Where they only need one side of his body. What is the shtick?

The shtick just works once. He just does curls. He just does curls with one arm. But this is not a comedy, right? I think maybe his other arm was hurt. I really do. Okay, that's fine. That makes far more sense.

I think his other arm was hurt. That makes so much more sense. Well, let's look that up because I remember this movie being really silly and dumb and part of this is the fact that there's a guy who just worked out one arm because that's absurd that can't be real well again this is just a little too deep well research okay um no mike do you have a contribution? The problem is 12 months. I mean, you have to decide which way are you going. Are you going lean or are you going bulky? Bautista.

Yeah, because clearly any feller of our age group, I mean, Ryan Reynolds notwithwithstanding that he's a, that's a good pick, but any guy our age, that means that at some point they probably saw the movie fight club and, and, and Brad Pitt in fight club. Good answer.

Good answer. Good answer. Is it's impossible. Like it, it is an unattainable goal to hope that you can actually look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. And I've heard celebrities talk about how they went to their trainers and say, I want to look like Brad Pitt from Fight Club. And they essentially said, it's just not going to happen.

I want a trillion dollars. Your turn. Because if you're going lean lean that's how you go yeah if you're going big i mean if you're going big uh i'm not a like arnold big i've never wanted to be that the rock big john cena i've never wanted to be that huge where all of a sudden your head just like the proportion of your body to your head things just start looking looking a little sideways but you could go with uh um uh hemsworth is thor like that's not bad that's a good amount of buff i you know every now and then

he pushes that limit of too much i mean i've seen some pictures i think for this upcoming thor oh is he super jack i was like is this not yeah itthor. This is, I think they mixed up the role. I think he thinks he's playing Hulk because he looked like a giant. Matt from the website. Is it okay to roll up the sleeves of your dress shirt at a job interview? Oh, are you kidding me? Now, are we talking just like the. It's not 1944. You can roll up your sleeves.

You should roll up your sleeves. Hold on. In my head, I think I'm thinking something different than you guys. Are you talking long sleeve? Oh, yes. We are talking long sleeve. If it's a short sleeve button up. Oh, yeah. What was the actual question in your

mind, Al? I was thinking long sleeves. Okay. Yeah, that's what I was thinking too. Then of course. Now, if you're rolling up a short sleeve to be like a fake tank top, you got a problem. Or it's 1920s and you got a pack of cigarettes up in there. You can't go fake tank top. But I have some other shirts where the sleeves are just too long.

They go down to my elbow. Is it one of those baseball t-shirt type? Sort of. No, no, no, it's not a three quarters. But it's just these shirts happen to have long sleeves. And they're just too long. So I have to roll them up. I wouldn't wear it to the interview.

I mean, let me ask you this, Mike. Do you really like those shirts? Or do you feel like these shirts got to have dumb sleeves? Well, I like them, but they have dumb sleeves. It's a combination. I need a tailor. Can you bring a t-shirt into a tailor and say i need that i need these sleeves hemmed up okay new great question i have look i've got a body

problem right now and and uh i i have looked for like can you wear a parka to an interview looked for like a tailor for t-shirts because i think that would be great to get a t-shirt that comfortably fits. And I've got a unique body size, which is, um, is, is got the, got the running into the tailor t-shirt part of life. This is my world. Um, so if anybody out there knows a good tailored t-shirt company, let me know. This is the same as the blood test

coming back positive we don't want to give you this information yeah i know because then i don't fix anything but i'll bet it'd be comfy tailored t-shirt could you add a little something in the belly area it's always tight around the belly so if you could fix that um yeah so i personally um if i had tailored t-shirts i'd wear the t-shirt to an interview i'd say look how good i look and you'd say would you mention it's tailored yo for sure i'm not wearing a tailored t-shirt it's tailored uh in the words of joe i'd be this is a 100 shirt come on i see you noticing my t-shirts i had the belly taken out a little bit yes exactly can you take this out uh sir i only take things in i gotta let the button breathe oh my goodness um but to to dial back to i mean i'm sure that uh who asked this question roll

your sleeves up yes if you just nail the interview the website. Yes. A long sleeve button up t-shirt with sleeves rolled says, I am taking this interview serious, but I'm confident about myself and I'm here to party. I like to party. If you're going to a place and they're like, we would have hired you, but you rolled up your sleeves. You don't want to work there. All right, one more. Moochie from the website.

I have a sister-in-law who is very frugal and very vocal about how much she saves on everything. And one of those things are subscription services. Oh, no. The problem is she is constantly asking to use our logins. And when I asked my wife if maybe we could just split it with her so we can both save, When I asked my wife if maybe we could just split it with her so we can both save, she says we can't ask her to do that because we would already be purchasing the subscription anyways. Am I wrong in wanting to go halfsies with us? This is great. Now, real quick, before we dive into this great question, is it a coincidence that he's worried about asking for money from the sister and this is coming in from Moochie from the website?

No, there is not a coincidence. Is there a nickname problem here because this guy's used to getting a little from you? This is immediately where my brain goes. Okay, if I have a family member and I know that things are, their life situation is, it would be tough for them to have all the subscriptions, which again, remember at the top of the show, I was saying people, we think we want everything

and we think we know what we want. And you're like, I don't want to pay for cable. I want to pay for just the channels I want. And now we have to subscribe to 80,000 different platforms. We are at our own demise here. We have no one else to blame but ourselves for the situation. But if I know they're in a situation where they cannot subscribe to 80,000 platforms and I want to lend a hand and they want to mooch they want to uh moochie off of that password that's

fine but if you come to me and you are bragging about how much money you save and how frugal and the like oh i did this i'm so incredible at saving money look how great i am and you're mooching off of my back that password is changed immediately immediately And then I cannot wait for that moment when someone gets the text message saying, Hey, I tried to log in. Something's wrong. I can't get in. It's hard, though. The free trial expired.

I mean, this is a great. Yes, it did. Yeah, you just let them know. Dude, I'm so happy you were using this with. What is it? Your free trial? Yeah, your free let him know, dude, I'm so happy you were using this with. What is it? Your free trial? Your free trial has expired. Now the rates are still great savings.

You're saving 50% after the free trial. Yeah, you could split this, but you want to give them the taste. I would offer it for free for first and then yank that rug out about 30 days in. Send an invoice from Moochie. Look, you can save way more if you package multiple subscriptions too. That's right. If you want Apple Plus and Netflix and Hulu, I'll give you a 60% discount. They're doing some stuff to try to eliminate that even more, aren't they?

The password sharing? Didn't Netflix do some stuff there? I think that they were. I think it's it's happening yeah they encouraged it at the beginning because because they were like chasing they just wanted to get a taste pulling that rug shall we draft yes want to pause and thank today's sponsor ue. Look, with how much we rely on our devices, it's easy to forget about the hardware that you're born with, your ears. Maybe you've got big, funny-looking ears like I do,

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Well, we've done the Major League Baseball, National Basketball Association, and National Football League mascot drafts. And here we are circling around to the NHL. So we are drafting. Go ahead, Jason. It's a stupid name. round to the NHL. So we are drafting. Yeah. Go ahead, Jason. It's a stupid, stupid name. The NHL should not be the NHL.

It should be the IHL because I was realizing as I was looking through this that it's called the National Hockey League and it is 100 percent not national. It is. I wouldn't say it's 100 percent not natural national. What do you mean it's not? Most teams are from the United States. They have a team literally called the Canadians. Right.

Now, at what point? I thought you meant 100% proportion or something. But isn't this binary? Like, the second you start including a different nation, I think now you're international. I think Andy has a point here because I'm thinking about the National Basketball Association. They got the Toronto Raptors. I don't have beef with the, it shouldn't be the IBA. That would be like, isn't that one?

Irritable Bowels. Yes, exactly. That's Irritable Bowel Association. I am a member of the Irritable Bowel Association. And I'm on the board. How many teams are Canadian in hockey? Do you know, Andy? Not at the top of my – probably six or seven. Yeah, it's too many.

It's seven. That's a quarter of the league. Is it? I have it in front of me, so yes. Oh, yeah, six or seven. There you go. Yeah, that's the International Hockey League. So we'll be drafting IHL mascots today.

There are a lot of them. In a battle royale to the death. Yeah, this is the battle royales who were back into the Coliseum, right? Now, unfortunately, when I was browsing these team names, there were a lot that I thought would do very well in a water situation. So that's concerning. But

Mike, you get to pick first. Not only do we have a problem with the water situation, a lot of these are like if these are not physical things. These are very ethereal. These are very ethereal. These are concepts. I like the selection,

but I'd like this Coliseum to be half water, half earth, frankly. Fantastic. It's right on the coast. Are you in? Yes. Oh, no. Thank you so much. You just gave them the 101.

Thank you so much for adjusting the parameters of this fight because we're on the coast. Perfect. My first pick will now never, ever lose power because I will be taking the Carolina Hurricanes. Okay. Oh. Yeah, you need it.

That would have been one where I think they're the 101 because the hurricane is kind of a big deal. I would say they're up there. But I will not succumb to a hurricane. You won't. No. Not when I am a

mythical sea monster used to living in the wild tides of the ocean and I create the hurricanes. I'm a Kraken. It was my second pick. I was hoping that somehow you guys missed the Seattle Kraken being one of the NHL teams. Not this crack staff over here.

We're up to date on our energy. Mr. Hawaii Volcanoes over there. Yeah, I was hoping that would be my sneaky final pick, and that's actually why I baited the coastal coliseum and now i just come back to bite me yeah now you're fighting a kraken and a hurricane yeah good luck well this stinks um so uh i am uh i'm on the coast right and i've got a kraken and i i need you don't have a kraken well no i need You've got a Kraken. Yeah.

That's nice. And I guess I'm going to have to deal with it with some sharks. Okay. So, I mean, the plurality of sharks against the Kraken is all I can hope for. So, all we've got to do is just stay on the coast side of the Coliseum. Yeah. I mean, there's something to be said about surviving on the land side. Yeah, I mean, there's something to be said about surviving on the land side.

Now, it was a bold choice by Seattle that they didn't go plural. They're just like, well, there's only one Kraken. Is there? Oh, yeah. Is that the plural of Kraken? Kraken? Oh. Oh.

Why am I asking that question? Is this a moose situation? It could be. A fish? What is the plural of Kraken? How is it not? It's got to be Kraken. It's Krakens. Oh.

Or Kraken. Okay, both work. So this could very, very well be. I've got tons of Kraken out there. So I'll go Sharks. Okay. And then this is really hard because everything you guys have drafted this far, I can't counterpunch on land because you're not on land.

You're a storm. You're a Kraken. Try and punch my storm. And then I've got some Sharks. And so nobody's on land. So I feel like if I put something on land, there's going to be an issue. So I'm not going to do that. I'm staying in the air with the lightning.

Oh. I'm going with the lightning. I was hoping combo i was just gonna be no your hurricane has got no lightning in it whatsoever that's right i got wind all right okay um i'll tell you what uh i am going to also stay off the land uh i want to just simply be dropping bombs. I can fly over the clouds, over the lightning, over the hurricane, and I will take the jets. I was thinking that was the Winnipeg jets. You almost said the New York jets. Yes.

I was thinking you'd avoid that because of the hurricane and the lightning. Your jets are flying into the hurricane. Over. He thinks he's going above. Oh, you're going over it. Over the hurricane. Does that mean you're over the lightning as well? Oh, for sure.

I know I can get over the lightning. Not positive Googling about the hurricane. Can you fly over a hurricane? All right, you look that up. Mike, you've got a couple of picks. Are you going to be the first land creature? I know my first pick. Yeah, I'm back, baby.

You can fly over one? Yes, it is possible to overfly. I love the way his Google search does always end up, no, yes. Yeah, and it seems obvious now that you can fly over a hurricane. But, yeah, try being accurate with your bomb drops through a hurricane. Oh, yeah, they're heat-seeking missiles man uh so my first of my back-to-back picks uh we're gonna go we gotta get we gotta get biblical on these people oh no and oh no in Bible, there's just one. But in New Jersey, it's plural. In New Jersey, there are many.

So I will be taking the devils. I'm not sure of their powers in this particular. When you're fighting a kraken, it's good to have a mythical creature. So I will take the devil. Dang it. In the Bible, there's one in New Jersey. It's plural. That is fantastic.

Oh my gosh. Wait, was that your first or your second? That was my first. So you've got the hurricanes and the devils? Alright. That is correct. Is the hurricane going to hurt everybody, including your own team? Oh yeah. You're wrecking everything? Honestly, we could have

just ended the match. Everyone is dying in a hurricane. We just goting everything? Honestly, you could have just ended the match. I don't know how to stop the hurricane. We just got to wait it out, right? That's the only way. You need some salt. Oh, just pour some salt on it. And then for my other one, I just, ooh. I feel like, oh, this is almost like a combo.

So I'm taking my New Jersey Devils, and I'm magnifying their power. It's just going to be real strong, but I'm taking the Calgary Flames, baby. I was worried about, I wanted to take the Flames, but I was afraid I'd give you superpowers. The problem is, with the Flames, is you've got you do have the water right you got the hurricane you're putting out the flames no you're not these flames not these devil-powered flames all right good luck uh mike's got his devil flames you're up okay um man okay so now i feel like we're getting to a little bit of a dicey situation

where we've really avoided land for the most part. I mean, I don't know the rules on devils here, but there's not a lot of things. Can the devils swim? The Westchester water devils. You're just drafting who to die now. No. Oh, give me a break. My Kraken and my Jets.

No, now. No. Oh, give me a break. My Kraken and my Jets. No, now. Now. Well, now I will draft my distraction. You'll be fighting them. You'll be fighting them on the ground while I sacrifice them with my missiles. Say sorry, Predators. You did good. But I am going to take the nashville predators

the only hockey team i have ever seen in person i guess that's not true because they were playing a game so they had to be playing another team right just by the law of nhl what team were they playing do you remember either of you you guys i don't remember no i don't so i really so still the only team that i have seen in person the nashville predators which i mean is the predators i mean this could be a whole gamut oh i hope so i mean you've got raccoons i mean the whole what is attacking trash is trash prey now i guess they're not predators, are they? Does that mean I get humans? I mean, the ultimate predators. All right, so look, we've been in the water quite a bit. There's predators. They're just roaming the land with the devils.

They're just spiraling in the air. And look, I'm going to move from the terrestrial to the celestial. Okay. And I'm not sure what the value is going to be, but I got more than one of them. I've got the stars. I'm going with the Dallas stars. Okay.

So I think they could be falling. Super far away. Yeah, they're very, very far away. No, no, no. These are falling. They're not the shooting stars. Are they the shooting stars? Well, they're washing out that hurricane.

No, they're just lighting the way. I see the twinkle. Wait a way. I see the twinkle. Wait a minute. I see the twinkle up in the sky. This is just for aesthetics? Yeah, it looks beautiful. It's a nighttime fight. I mean, if you could see through my clouds.

I imagine. Right, that's true. The hurricane completely blocks out these stars. That's like you saying the Kraken's over there. It doesn't get to come and be in here. The stars are there. The stars are there. The stars are there. The stars are there.

I can see them clear as day. I'm wondering if I need to pivot to stars of Broadway. Are these like Hollywood stars? I might have to pivot. Get Ryan Reynolds, man. Dude's jacked. He is ready for a fight. Everything comes back to Ryan Reynolds. That's right.

Well, shoot. I'm going to have to stick with it. And then my final pick. Man. Some difficult choices here. Yes. And it's hard after what you guys have selected to feel like I

am picking something good. I like hearing that. Am I allowed to take back the stars? Let's move forward. All right. You can make a wish on them, though. They're yours. Okay.

We'll allow it. Well, I have to get royal. Get Jiminy Cricket in here. You got yourself a team. I'm going to have to get royal here, and so I will go with the knights. I will bring the knights in. Yes, okay. They're wearing armor. I could have gone kings, but it's like the kings don't go with the Knights. I will bring the Knights in. They're wearing armor.

I could have gone Kings but it's like the Kings don't fight all the time. The Knights are fighting. The King never fights. The King's just like chilling. Yeah, I almost know Mike, you still could pick. I'm going to say one that I'm not drafting ahead of yours. I don't think you'll take it but

similar to the Kings, I was like Senators cause a lot of war, so maybe I could take, but instead, and I'm very happy this one came back to me because I know Mike would take it. I'm pretty confident. He likes the hurricane-esque,

the flame, the things that you can't really necessarily kill. I'm going to take the avalanche. Oh. Okay, I'm going to take the avalanche. Oh. Okay. I'm going to take the avalanche. Oh, that's such a great thing with the fire. Cover this up. And I don't know how you beat an avalanche.

Similar to, I don't know how you beat a hurricane. Well, the avalanche only has one shot, though. I mean, if you climb out of it, it's over. You don't get unlimited avalanche. You get one big avalanche. That's fair. We're going back up. Huge avalanche.

But the flames are probably gone at this point. Yeah. Try to keep a- You may impede your kraken from getting to land, though. Oh, kraken is gigantic. He would climb that avalanche. How big is a kraken? He's got to be-

He has no idea. Three miles wide. He's that big. All right, Mike. You are our final pick today. All right. So there's two I'm looking at. One is really silly.

Oh, no. And I don't know if I want to be that silly. I'll save that pick for the ending here. And look, when there's a bunch of high-speed winds, you're talking, these are hurricane-force winds, you know, very dangerous. Objects are just flying through the air. What if there was a bunch of buffalo sabers

just flying through the air at random? You want to know what's funny? Just taking people out. Tons? So you're just a chaos. There's just a bunch of swords flying. Swirling in the air. Yes.

What's funny is the Buffalo Sabres and the Buffalo Bills, both of them come from a city. The city name is Buffalo. But don't both of them use buffaloes in their logos? Yes, they do. They have buffaloes in the logos, but buffaloes aren't the mascot. Right. So you don't get the buffaloes in their logos yes they have buffaloes in the logos but buffaloes aren't the mascot so if you so you don't get the buffaloes so what they're ashamed up there they're ashamed of their teammates i guess so yeah swords and what was bill otherwise barbershop quartet but then it would have to be the buffalo buffalo which oh buffalo buffaloes buffalo buffalo what was the

funny one mike that you wanted to say because Because we're done now. I have the Sharks, Lightning Stars, and Knights. Jason has Kraken, Jets, Predators, Avalanche. I thought about if my team was trending in a bad direction and I really just had to protect myself and I had no other way to do it, I thought, how else am I going to do this other than making everybody else really, really sad? And I just drafted the St. Louis Blues.

Oh, my gosh. That's funny. And I get my man BB King out there just making everyone feel really bad about their life situation. There was something funny in my head about drafting the Penguins and having them just waddle out onto the Coliseum and look around and be like they could handle the avalanche the avalanche would work well yeah they'd turn into a slide

what did we learn today well let's conclude this episode I learned that Jason has sought out the professional services of a t-shirt tailor. That's true. I know what Mike has learned. Mike has learned that Hollywood is not. Yeah. I don't think I actually learned that or not, but I learned about space toilets. Oh, yeah. I also learned that. Just took the Dyson up right to the rectum.

I learned that for some reason we put poop on the moon instead of outer space. You got to balance the weight, man. They had to put space rocks in, so we needed to put our rocks. That's what causes the moon to hit us, is the extra weight. Something to think about for next time. Take care, everybody. Goodbye. Thanks for listening

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