Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 169: Pit Pumping & The Best Cheese Based Foods - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

On today’s show, we talk about perma-clowns, super buff feet, and what gaming looks like as an old man. The fellas also each bring a crazy article to discuss in ‘Is This Real Life?’. Then, we close things down with a draft of the best cheese-based foods. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Beep-a-dop-bop-bop-doop-dop-a-doop-dop. Oh, hey. I didn't know you were going to catch me warming up for my big scat intro that I may or may not be doing on this episode. I don't know. But, hey, thank you for tuning in. If you like this show, you're a great person. You want to support this show, join the spit.com,

and you get cool things like you can get an ad-free show, and you get episodes before anybody else, and you can rub it in their big, stupid faces for not supporting this podcast. Check it out. Join the spit.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. It's cheesy. It's breezy. I feel a little queasy. Let's go! Too much cheese. Just let it sit, man.

You were fine. It was good. You don't need a reflective clothes. You were good. That was great. I liked it. Everything about it was good. Sometimes you have too much cheese.

That's true. Now, did you say it's breezy? Yeah, it's been breezy around here in Arizona. Stormy this morning. It's real. It's real. It's real current. That really resonates with the listeners. This day, while we're recording,

which is clearly probably not the day you're listening to this, in my neighborhood, it's very breezy. It is blustery. It's probably breezy in some other places. Yeah. I mean, they might be saying, how did you know it was breezy? And I'm eating cheese. This is crazy.

I feel sick, too. Somebody out there is eating cheese on a breezy day other than Jason. And they're queasy. And they're named Brandon. Oh. I'm talking to you, Brandon. Brandon, put the cheese down. You've had enough.

Spitballers, episode 169, Would You Rather? Is this real life? And a, well, a very appropriate best cheese-based foods draft. So getting back to things we know. And Jason has the first pick. Is that correct? That is. So are we starting with the second pick?

Probably. Okay. Oh, because it's an auto 101. Now, there's a lot of, we all said when we were thinking about cheese-based foods today before the show got started, that all of a sudden more and more came to mind. So there are some things, there's some strategy here. It's true because literally after I thought of 10 things i thought of something that absolutely rivals the one-on-one like i could go another way here today i could

yeah i dare you well we'll get into that shortly and then i dare andy to pass on it too uh spitballerspod.com you can head over there to the website become an official spitwad supporter of the show and what do they get Al? do they get stuff for that? ad free episodes sweet I go there first for content ideas

don't you release them sooner over there too? yes early release way to leave that out I was getting there you were done Yes, early release. Oh, okay. Way to leave that out. I was getting there. Yeah, it didn't sound like it. You're not getting there. It was bullet points. You were done. So you can do that.

That's also jointhespit.com. Does that work? Yep, spitwadsquad.com. Okay, we've got all that. We should register a new one every week for a year. We should, just mass confusion. If you want to support our show go to join us at us.com spitty spitty bang bang uh support the spit spit supporters

all right um but but no really it's join the spit yeah and uh we appreciate you all of you thank you for your reviews we read them They are wonderful, and you're a kind people. And, you know, this has been fun. We've done this show for quite a while. Started releasing the spit hits, so you've got a couple episodes of the show. Because we've got a lot of episodes now. Some say too many.

Yeah, that's fair. Those people are my parents. Stop it. Stop recording. You're making a fool of yourself, Michael. You bring shame upon this house. And then since then, you've worn lipstick on the fantasy footballers. Yeah.

So they're making them proud. It did happen. You know, there are people out there that work slightly harder than you do to make a living. Hey, man, work smarter. Let's get going. Would you rather? All right. Manuel from Patreon says, would you rather have clown makeup appear on your face every time you get every time you get angry or would you rather have to obnoxiously clap your

hands every time that you laugh? Mike would have a problem on this show. This is a, this is a Mike Wright special. Because I, I, if you've ever listened to the show, I,

I am an easy laugh. I'm with two very funny people right here and one incredibly unfunny producer. But the two funny people, they make me laugh a lot. So it would turn into me clapping all the time. And that would be obnoxious. It would be a little bit of, I mean, you know, get a little, hey, at the day, at the day, at the day. Oh, man.

That is so much worse. That's how I pictured it, though. Yeah. I didn't think of it. Like, yours was a little entertaining. You kind of made a beat out of it. Jason's was the obnoxious kind of laughter I would imagine. Mine was more like a seal.

You know, they got the. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The fins. Yeah. But, and that would happen to me all the time. But in the household, look, we all have three children. Dad. We get angry.

Dad face is a regular occurrence. Oh, man. In the household. And if every time that happened. You go to bed right now. You're trying to lay down the law. You turn into Bozo the clown. Here's the thing. It would be good for you. I was going to bed right now. You're trying to lay down the law. You turned into Bozo the clown. Here's the thing.

It would be good for you. I was going to say the same thing. It would actually be good. Dad, your nose is starting to turn red. Would you stay calm? So I can tell you what I would do because this has kind of happened before. Not magically turning into a clown face. But there's been times where, like my wife and I, we don't get in many arguments.

We don't fight. But we've been married for 15 years. So there's been times where. There's been some disagreements. Yeah. And I have this, she calls it, I think she calls it a bunny rabbit face. Like when I get really, really. When I get really, really mad, I like scrunch my nose up like and make like a little little scrunchy nose

and sometimes it makes her laugh so i'm really upset i'm like that that nose only comes out when i'm legit angry at what happened and now she's laughing at my anger and here's what happens it takes me to a level it takes me to a level of anger that flips me over to laughing. And then I'm so pissed that I'm laughing because she wins. She wins and I laugh. And then the fight is over. So she can defuse you. She can absolutely defuse me.

So if I were to get seriously angry and Bozo the Clown Face comes on, I'm done. And Grace washes over the clown and i am done with my anger so you're like you're like the dynamite that the closer that the fuse gets to blowing up at the end it just it's a joke yeah apparently well that's nice yeah i i think it would be good because it would teach me that i have to try to communicate the serious nature of these children doing what I say in a better way without being angry I will say this is it just your but is it just like angry voice because what if I what if I this changes I know that if I start getting angry face on yeah I'll turn into a clamble what if i just now everything is i have a

huge smile on my face and i am barking out orders or possible discipline because that's no that sounds far more terrifying i don't think it's based on your face or your anger outwardly this says every time you get angry. Oh, like a mood ring? It's an emotion. It's a mood ring. So here's the deal. Let's say we're on the show, and we say something you don't like,

but you don't want us to know you don't like it. So you just swallow that up inside and move on, but inside you're angry, and all of a sudden we look over, and you've got a clown face, and we go, oh, no, he's hurt. He is angry at us. Look at that clown. This would be a problem okay that one you're going that one is that clown is running down the street what out of i mean you you turn into a clown so then they're laughing at you so then you're

even more angry yes so then i mean i'm just saying like that is not a world like i'd rather obnoxiously clap and if you can't hide your because look at the anger anger is everybody gets angry and anger can be like it could be up for mr rogers oh you didn't know him behind the scenes he laid down the law uh i don't know i doubt it i doubt it too but like it's not just the emotion that is bad it's what you do with the emotion and like it could be a it can be a power or a tool of power that can have productive change when you use it correctly but if you can't hide it ever, I'm looking like a clown a lot. Here's the funny thing about people, too. And my wife and I are an example of this. Some people, their emotions, it takes them a while to come down off of it.

Other people, like my wife, she'll get really mad. But literally, it can be two seconds later, she done it's over she's normal so if i'm using this clown example if i got mad it takes me like 20 minutes for the makeup to come off she would not look like a clown in like two seconds i'd look like a clown for like 30 minutes there have to be people out there that would be so angry about being a clown oh they wouldn't that it is it's it is a self-fulfilling prophecy and they once they get angry once perma perma perma angry clown for the rest of their life what if you're scared of clowns well that's probably reason to be angry angry if you are someone who is scared of clowns and you're dressed up as a clown can

you scare yourself like you can't tick a clown, can you scare yourself? Like you can't tickle yourself. Right. Can you scare yourself? That's a good question. I don't think you can. Huh. I don't think you can. But man, if I look at a picture of a...

I can make myself laugh. I can make myself happy. Yeah, I think you could scare yourself. But you're the... You're scared of yourself. But you're the clown. If you dressed up as a spider and then you looked in a mirror, would you be scared? No, because I'd be dressed as a man spider.

I'm not afraid of a spider costume. I'm afraid of a photograph of a spider or, heaven forbid, a real... I've heard they exist. Can I... So are we all going... I'm going clap. I'm definitely going clown. I'm going to take my anger and get rid of it. And then Mike... I got to they exist. Can I, can I, so are we all going, I'm going clap. I'm definitely going clown. I'm going to take my anger and get rid of it.

And then I got to go clap. Can I, I want to detour for a second because I need to, I need a real life question to answer. Oh, getting clown faced. What, how would you, this is more of like, that's a great question. How do you define yelling? Ooh. What is yelling? Ooh. What is yelling?

Have you ever been down this road before? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All the time. The kids, well, you just yelled at me. I'm like, you have not heard me yet. Okay, so I'm not alone. I thought I was going to get shamed on the show. 100%. They've never heard me yell in their lives.

100% yelling has to include, has to, by definition, include the decibel level. It has to be a raised loud voice. But I can speak loud. But yelling is different, though. Speaking loud is not, yelling is a comedy. Like, sometimes you tell a kid to do something really seriously. Right. Is that yelling?

No, that's not yelling. Of course it's not yelling. Because yelling has to include a louder voice. You can speak loud, but you can't yell quietly. Right. That's fair. Okay. See, this has been one of those things where, and I think as men, you have a more domineering

voice. So if you barely change your voice, sometimes- Can you yell in a whisper? You can get over here right now. That's a shout whisper. Come on out of here. Are you yelling or are you whispering? I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know, but I'm behind this bush. I think for it to be a yell, it has to hurt. Oh, I don't know about that. Oh, it's got to hurt. Oh, I don't know about that. Oh, it's got to hurt. Oh, I can yell without hurting myself. So is the temptation to say, you want to see what yelling is? Is that always the temptation? But no, there have been so many.

And that's the thing where I would turn into a clown. Sometimes my kids say I'm yelling when I'm not yelling at all, when I'm just talking like this. You just talk like a New Yorker. and you're like, that's not yelling. That's just talking like this. All right. Kyle from Patreon, would you rather work out only one arm or one leg every day for a year? So, I mean, you do this.

You've got to- Weren't we just talking about this? We were talking about Lady in the Water and how there's a character that has one huge arm because he only works out one arm. But practically speaking, would you rather, like would this be good for me? Like on our show, I'm only seen by my left profile. So if I only work my left arm out. Oh, you look ripped.

You never see my right arm. Yeah, I mean that would be great for you two guys. my right arm yeah i mean that that would that would be great for you two guys because mike's right arm and his left arm and for me i i've got the best seat in the house uh if you haven't experienced us on youtube please uh but you're just sitting here guns out yeah you've been Nope. No, not recently. I have worked out. Not yesterday. Right. Like, you know, I took today off. It's something I could say every day this year.

But I think you do have to go with the arm, though. No matter what. No way. No way. Because while we have a very- What do you mean? Why? Because one of the-

Both are dumb visually. You can hide the leg visually, a pair of pants, and you don't look as dumb. But one is practically- I feel like it would necessitate a limp. You wouldn't be able to walk evenly because you've got like one jack leg and one little scrawny chicken leg. You don't get taller when you work out. Well, that's fair. That's a good point.

I see your point. But maybe my foot is so strong it's a bigger shit. My foot is so buff. You guys see my feet muscles? So you need a wider shoe or what? Yeah, it's probably wider and taller.

It gives me a huge limp. It's a big problem. It's my buff foot. It's got a six pack. Oh, man. The veins on that foot are outrageous. Oh, that's a good point. I don't think I would have a limp now that I think through this. You may have a limp because that leg would through this you you may have a limp because it that leg would be weaker yeah once well one stronger clearly right yeah what practical things does a strong leg do for you nothing we're kicking kicking is

not something i do a lot of when's the last time you've gone and kicked something like like kicked it where your muscles matter. Like, man, I wish I had a stronger leg to kick this thing. I haven't kicked something in a long time. Kick something. Kick something with muscles. Never? Yeah, exactly.

Whereas, you're like, kick it. You'd be a great kicker. Never kicked before. That's because I don't have one buff leg. Yeah, that's okay. There's a chicken or the egg. That's a good point. Maybe if Mike had one super strong leg, he'd be kicking everything.

Oh, you know it. You know it. My furniture's wrecked. I would just be telling people, hey, can you hold that? Roundhouse. Axe kick. Okay. Now, there are practical uses for one strong arm the one strong arm what are they bring any groceries man oh load it all up on the one arm and then i can open the door with my scrawny with my chicken wing and then there you go it's my strong arm isn't it funny

that arm's always been the same but if if you have one bigger, that one becomes the weak. Oh, for sure. It becomes the chicken weak arm. Well, I think the reality is- They're both chicken weak arms. We have chicken arms right now, and we just will allow ourselves to refer to the truth if we have buff arms. It would be good for a new dad.

You hold the baby with the- Well, which one would you want to hold the baby with? I would want the weak arm. Why? I want to squeeze her to you know this is too hard oh no i mean you know i don't want to be too strong if you have one arm that's just way stronger do you actually know like can you control the strength interesting i mean you it's a joke but you were i think there's something to that of you may not realize how much stronger your strong arm is compared to the weak arm it's a strong arm i don't think it would be a problem i i do think you would be able to mentally adjust because i don't know if you know this right now. Right now you have a strong arm and a weak arm. Yeah, but not a year-long working out strong arm.

You could win arm wrestling tournaments. Well, probably not because they're working out both their arms and they're just real strong. My arm's strongest. Which one's dumber looking? The arm. The arm is dumber looking. The arm for sure.

No, but what if- Wear a pair of pants. No, no, no. You don't get the the choice though i'm just saying like we get to you're wearing a pair of shorts and you're wearing a tank top the arm the arm because a buff what if you had a humongous calf just on one leg that would just look like a like a problem oh yeah like you got a blood clot or something right uh i i definitely think that a strong arm would look worse but be more practical i'm taking it all right i agree that makes more practical sense mike's not kicking things now i would be later all right um julianne from the website would you rather play video games for 12 hours straight or watch movies for 12 hours straight i love both of these you know the older

i get yep i know where you're going oh no the older i get the more work video games are yeah oh see i'm not alone oh my gosh i played a game like gaming has been a like part of how i define myself you know my childhood was not playing sports i mean whatever i went outside every once in a while but my childhood memories are kicked clearly my childhood memories are like the nes and then moving up to the super nintendo like the bulk of my memories are video game related and no regrets. Like I'm super happy with, with those childhood memories,

but I, and so now as, as, as an adult and as a dad, I'm always trying to find a video game that I can play. And it's, well, I never have time and you still get excited for new video games.

So you buy new games all the time and you literally never play them like they just sit in the cellophane package they sit downloaded and never played but i downloaded a new game oh this is recent yeah i was like i'm doing it the reviews on this game are incredible uh so hashtag not a sponsor but a death loop okay it's this uh this new game out and the premise is incredible, where it's almost like the, so the movie, the Tom Cruise movie, where he dies.

Live, die, repeat. Yeah. It's like that, but it's a video game, where the story is just one thing, and every time you die, you go back to the beginning of it. Really?

So you get further and further? Yes. Oh, that's incredible. Yes. Except, I am the oldest man alive now and with all the menus and all of the upgrading and everything that i had to do instead of just play the game it's like i'm out nope i can't do this i've never felt older older in my life than when i was playing

this video game i just i didn't understand our soul I sold I have a similar story so it was the worst this last year there's why I play rocket league man a game taken over called Genshin Impact I don't know if you've heard of this it's a I have not it's a freemium like open world RPG game and my son has been playing it and he's playing it on his phone and he's just you know he's played it a lot he's begging me to get it and download he says oh you'll like it you'll play it so i got it i downloaded it and when when we were first when he's first walking me through there's like 700 000 menus man what happened and i love that usually in like i'm an RPG guy, so I love building characters and customizing everything. And I'm just like, this is too much.

And so to start, like basically like the tutorial level where you're starting, I'm basically going like, my character's like two feet. Let me figure these controls out. Okay, I'm going to run five feet. What does this menu do do i'm like the slowest he's like just go and i'm it it took me a while it's unfortunate and then most games now if they're really big great games like the first two and a half hours of playing them is like two and a quarter hours of cut scenes and then 15 minutes of playing. And like if you break through, like I finally did it, you know,

like I went through on Red Dead and I broke through all of that and stayed the course and it became great. But the like mixture of being a dad and not feeling like you have the patience and not knowing how to do it, like you just aren't, like for my kids, it's instant. Yes. It's instant. Yes. It's instant. All that being said, the question here is 12 hours of watching movies straight. Movies.

Or 12 hours of video games. And while I love movies, and you guys know I can watch me some programs on the TV. 12 hours is a heck of a lot of time to watch something straight. Whereas, when I get into a video game dang you're right time just disappears 12 hours is not enough when you get into red dead or you get into a video game it's like wait you said i get 12 hours it's like yeah it's been 13 no it's been an hour i'm changing because you're right if you have 12 straight hours that means you've got the first four hours to learn how to play the game and you're gonna actually enjoy it you've got permission to take that time

to learn it but you got to push through that wall we can push hard man push through we're not that old i don't know if i have the strength hold hands and we will push through together i'm taking video did you have the moment where you literally the give up moment oh yes were you like i'm done i stopped i turned it off and i put a movie on he threw the controller yeah i was like back in my day mario moved to the right and you bought i jumped and you bought this for yourself oh yeah so this is you bought it you tried you failed yeah and then he emailed the company said my child downloaded this game i did not authorize this purchase that needed five passwords wow you've talked me into it i'm gonna go video games mike are you movies i mean like i i want to

believe that part of me still exists so i will take the video we'll unlock it for us a time machine no the next great game we don't have time for good games. There are. Every couple years, there is a really good game. Get out of here. That's not worth it. A great game. A real, like, you know, maybe two a decade. What was the last thing you. Red Dead 2.

Red Dead 2 was the last great game. I played through The Last of Us 2. And I made it through. Oh, you did. I played through The Witcher 3, which was. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. That one's tough. I get an aneurysm just thinking about booting up The Witcher 3, which was... Oh, my gosh. Yeah. That one's tough.

I get an aneurysm just thinking about booting up The Witcher. Now, Al, we were talking about Red Dead 2 so much. We got you to buy a PS4 and the game. And how far did you get in that one? I played for probably eight hours. Okay. I don't know how far I got. Do you still have the machine?

That would be 0.1% of the way through that game do you still have the PS4? no I got rid of that see you believe though right I've never been much of a gamer at all but you guys talked me into it and it was fun but it was too long Daniel from Twitter

you are texting and public I think it's in public you're texting and public. Sounds like a lack of editing. Yeah, a nice proofread. You are texting in public and not paying attention to where you are walking. Not paying attention to this question that you posted in our show doc.

To where you are walking. Would you rather walk into a pole or fall down a small flight of stairs? What? How can this be a question? How small is the flight? Would you rather bump your nose or break every bone in your body? I'm altering this question. It's three stairs.

Would you rather walk? It doesn't matter. That's too many. One stair. One step. We already established we are very old. If you misstep on one stair, your back is out, man. But it's a curb.

It's running into a pole or stepping off a curb. That may be worse than the staircase. That you don't know is there. I was going to go walk into a pole or you fall into a fountain. Ooh. All right. Because that's not going to hurt like falling down a small flight of stairs. At this point in time.

It's going to be real embarrassing. What I'm looking for here, when I, look, if I'm going to do something stupid at this point in my life, I want the best story. I want to come into work the next day and tell you guys, you won't believe how stupid I am. And I think the fountain's funnier. The fountain is a much better story, but I do stupid things. Unless I get a welt from the poll that I can show.

I do enough stupid things. I'm always looking to hide the stories. You guys only hear 1% of my stories. So to me, walking in the poll is like that's when you can try to just, nothing happened, nothing to see here, the whack, and then you quickly look around to see know the the whack and then you quickly look around to see if anybody saw and then you just move on have you done that in public where you've walked into something and then you look around and you go oh my gosh i have uh done that

it was this was before uh texting and stuff so there's no phone so i'm like a uh junior high teenager and we're somewhere we're up north where the buildings are a bit older. So somehow there was an air conditioning unit, or there was a low overhang. And I was walking with my friends, and I had my hat on low, and I happened to be just looking at the ground. And everyone else saw it. And ducked. And I went right into it, man. Just bang.

And so that became a legendary story. See, there you go. That was brought up from time. Now, have you walked into another person? Like hardcore? I've never done that. You ever walked into the glass doors? Oh, no.

I've never done that either. Yes, I have. That one is. Like face first oh yeah because you don't think there's a door there you just you're just walking through like a you think the back sliding door is open did your face grease stain the the door how do you play that off you can't play that the only way to play that off that's a nice door you got there the only way to play that off is to be not seen i mean someone sees it and that's a nice door you got there the only way to play that off is to be not seen i mean someone sees it and that's a party you turn around and walk the other way like you meant to be going

the other way you probably walk and turn around go the other way because you forgot what you were doing all right um let's move let's move forward spay wads you know what's probably coming up for you? Dinner. Because we all need to eat dinner, and I don't even want to think about it. And if you had a subscription to HelloFresh, you wouldn't need to. Because with HelloFresh, you get fresh, pre-measured ingredients, mouth-watering seasonal recipes, and they're delivered right to your door. Skip the trip to the grocery store.

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a hitch. I have had HelloFresh for some time now, and it's the best. When I know that there is a delicious dinner that I can make, and I don't have to think about anything because all the ingredients are there, it's all planned out for me. I love HelloFresh nights. Get in on it by going to HelloFresh.com slash Spitballers14. Use the code Spitballers14, and guess what? 14 free meals, including free shipping. Once again, for up to 14 free meals and free shipping, go to HelloFresh.com slash Spitballers14. Use the code Spitballers14. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Is this real life? All right, this is the segment on the Spitballers podcast where we each share a story from real life

that just doesn't seem like it should be real life. I'll share mine first. Let me ask this. Oh, okay okay go ahead because my story is like fascinating my story is not a it's not a laugher so if anybody has like a hilarious story i need to go before you because i don't want to follow up something really funny mine's just like a go ahead and share yours all right so uh there was a uh woman in portugal what oh my gosh that's the joke oh and okay what's yours uh a man there uh a new mother two days after uh her the birth

and her armpit started to hurt and then you a lump was there, and she went into the doctor. After she gave birth? Yes. Okay. And it increased in pain. It became swollen. And then there was a discharge from her armpit. I don't like this.

No. It turns out it was breast milk. And this is not an uncommon thing. A boob pit? Yeah, there was a boob pit. Whoa. And the mother was diagnosed with polymastia, which is a condition in which the accessory breast tissue develops

along the former embryonic mammary ridge. Like, during the pregnancy, and while everything's, like, hooking up, all the wires and all the intricacies of the milk getting ready for the baby, like, almost. Was this a bonus? Yes, this was a bonus. Okay. This wasn't, like, a change of. But, like, they're saying that all women, you know, there's, like, a line.

Wow. Or, like, I don't exactly know because hashtag not a doctor and or a woman or a woman have never given birth. But this is not an uncommon thing. Now, I don't believe an additional area will like grow what is technically mammary gland. Yeah. And the milk will come out of it. So that's not fair to her.

Yeah, that's that's not fair to her. But I also take I wouldn't drink pit milk. I take it with... Yeah. You just got the baby up top. You got the baby just sucking on the armpit. I mean... I mean, you could do it at least like, you know, you could do it in public a little easier.

Look, we all... That's true. We all... We're all dads, right? And like, I don't know if your wife's both breastfed, but like it can be a really challenging thing where we're either like like not producing enough milk. Like, sure, if you could produce the milk, you'd use it. You hook up the pump to the pump. I mean, I'll milk my pits.

Now, the only thing that I take umbrage with a little bit here is that they say that is not uncommon. And I feel like that was a lie told to this woman. Because you started this story with a woman in Portugal. So if this is not an uncommon thing, I don't think we have to go to like... Why did it need to be in Portugal? Yeah, exactly. Because that's where this story was from. Research suggests that between 2% to 6% of women are born with additional breast tissue.

So there's like, but not all of it has a mammary gland, I'm assuming. This is very interesting. That is very interesting. Okay. That seems like maybe we're trying to hide the people in our country that have this, and we're just saying they're all in Portugal. If you had armpit milk, I mean, that's not something you're- You leave the country.

She started here okay are you doing yours now sure i'll go mine um mine is a little a little different not quite as scientific and fascinating this one is just dumb florida man oh yeah Here we go. We already know we're off to a good start. Florida man tries to trade back vehicle he stole. Wait, trade back? Yes. He goes to a- He stole it from a dealer? He stole it from a dealer, but then he wanted a new car.

So he comes back with the stolen vehicle to try to trade it in for a new car. He tried to do the steal return. Yeah, I mean, imagine if someone stole your bike and was like, dude, oh, I heard you're missing a bike. I'll sell you this one for $200. That's my bike! That's our car, sir. No, it's not.

Sir, there's a number on it. There is a VIN. And that's how it was found. Oh, yeah. What's really funny about you painted another color what's funny about this to me is that so they found it by the vent like once they were doing the trade-in they run the van and they're like this is our stolen car but like that would have happened that would have been flagged at any at any dealers yes like the fact that someone

stole a car grand Grand Theft Auto. Scene of the crime. This is a major, major, like you're going to prison for a while, and you're trying to move this hot car, and you take it to a dealership to just try to trade it in. How often do you think this happens where it's like, yeah, this is mine. Don't worry about it.

Here's the real question. If you've done that, you've stolen the car, you've taken possession of it, time has passed, and then you go to try to trade it in. Can the dealer just take it? Ooh, like a repo thing? Like a sting operation? You think the guy thinks he's going to get money and they just take the car? No, I just mean like literally once they find out, when they come back and they go,

sir, this is actually the vehicle you stole, can they just possess it? Yes. Or can he claim, like what if he claimed, no, that's my car. You can't have that car. And then he calls the police. Well, I can tell you what happened here. Go ahead, call the police. Yeah, I can tell you what happened here.

Sir, where's your title? The police came to the dealership. How did it go? Well, they arrested the man for grand theft auto and criminal mischief which oh you don't want to be that criminally mischievous no i mean it was like well we would have just given you grand theft auto but you brought it back to the dealership is that a good thing for your rap sheet like i like the criminal mischief part i figure you can get some you get get a nice gig. Yeah.

Like, I got GTA on the record. And they're like, what's this? Criminal mischief. Yeah. That'll get you a better job on your next criminal enterprise. All right. Here's mine. This one's crazy.

I actually saw this story when it was actually coming out. It wasn't that long ago. But basically, a bride and groom are at the altar congratulations the bride determines at the altar that she's not a hundred percent sure that the groom was completely honest about his education and he had had claimed, this is a bride in India, in Mahoba, India. Okay. And she was concerned that the groom hadn't been honest when he represented himself as basically this college-educated,

very smart person. This is like, catch me if you can. And this is like a family, like the bride and the family of the bride were kind of concerned about this. So at the altar, she decides to ask him to recite his multiplication tables

by two. And he failed. That's where he got tripped up? Two's? By the two's. Bro, is that even multiplication? Bro On the twos? By the twos. Bro. And so now. Is that even multiplication? Bro, the twos? The twos. It's just.

Now do you blame her for walking away? No. Because she walked away at the altar and they didn't get married. No, look. The nines? Maybe. Maybe. We all struggle from time to time with our nines, but the twos.

The twos are just. Maybe she should have said doubles and he would have been like oh yeah yeah doubles of 8 16 twos what's what's this the problem that i have is that it made it to an altar like why didn't this come up maybe before uh planning the wedding and and getting involved part of the sting on the altar in front of their guests the bride tested the groom's basic math skills his failure made it clear that they had lied about his education and she walked off and the guests were shocked and uh family members tried to say hey let's save this it's just his multiplication tables we'll move to the threes then he may not even have gone to school, a cousin of the bride said. So let's say that story's wild.

Let's say it goes the other way, though, and this dude, he smashes all the way through his 12s. Like this guy knows his time statement. Super impressive. Does he walk away? How do you move forward with your potential life partner at the moment of your agreeing to share your life? He would get to handle the finances at that point.

He would be awarded the finances. How do you move past that? Either way. Yeah, this is great news. I'm so glad they didn't get married because this thing was doomed. This thing was 100% not going to work out. I mean, I guess it's better at the altar than like day one, day two. And she's just doing subtle math quizzes around the house.

She's like, if I had three pairs of shoes, how many shoes would I have? 22? I mean, because a divorce story would have been pretty bad too she would have cleaned house yeah you could oh yeah we're gonna split this 98 to you could have hit that dude with exponentials and he would have been left with nothing that's true she she missed her chance all right let's uh let's jump into the draft. The Spitballers draft. Yeah, that's half of everything I have. I get the square root of X of the finances.

And he's like, that sounds like a good deal. All right, we are going to draft the best cheese-based foods. Here we go. There are a lot of them, and they're all delicious. And Jason drafts number one here. We're going to have so much cheese, I ain't never pooping again. I'm going pizza. What?

Yeah, I mean, come on. Cheese-based foods. You got to start with pizza. It's a classic. You can have a million different varieties. Tell us about the pizza you speak of. If you're if you're listening you're new and you're not familiar with pizza. It's real real good. You can get it just about every corner in the country. I highly about Portugal. Probably. OK. Of course. All right.

This is where it gets interesting. Macaroni and cheese. Yeah. Sorry, Mike. I wasn't sure where you would go. There are other very, very good choices, and in some ways. I mean, not really, though. As you say, I'm envious of you getting two back-to-back.

I feel like mac and cheese was the easy second pick, though. That was the one that I completely did not think about at all. Is it because cheese is in the name? Apparently. I had made a list of ten, and then afterwards, it was the only thing that I was considering next to the pizza. It's like, man, mac and cheese, it's really good. It's just not a pizza.

Okay, thank you. That's its worst quality. Mike all right what are you going so i got the back-to-back picks pizza and mac and cheese i i'm happy i get two powerhouses but i don't know that i have the power to compete with those things so i'll just i'm just gonna go with the heart here and oh but i don't know what the heart wants mike you're doing it wrong go with the belly go with the belly all right well uh i mean okay well then the belly wants what the belly wants i'm gonna start this off with loaded fries i'll start of the uh the cheese fries fries. The cheesy fries are a delightful concoction. Now are you thinking, just out

of curiosity, because a lot of places have these, but the one that I think of the most is Sonic. The one that I think of the most? For a loaded fry? Not loaded. But for a cheese fry? Did you know that they make that? Oh yeah, I get it there. Oh, okay. Oh yeah, I eat it every Wednesday and

Friday. I think of In-N-Out. Oh, yeah. I eat it every Wednesday and Friday. I think of In-N-Out. In-N-Out is my cheese fries. There's cheese on those? You get the animal fries. There's two totally different. Yeah, you can get animal fries, but my kids always get cheese fries. You can just get cheese there. Cheese fries.

And is it a melted slice? Yep, and it is famous. Well, that sounds like something I need to do in an hour. I think of, I don't know why, but their plate's stuck. I think of the Outback. Okay, they have cheesy fries? Everybody has an appetizer of loaded fries, but somehow the Outback has just stood out

in my memory of their cheese fries are sensational. I'm learning new things. This is a good show. This is such an informative episode. Mike, you have a second pick. I do, and this is where, man, I'm really, really torn here between two staples. Honestly, two staples. You're struggling.

I'm going to go with the grilled cheese. Okay. I'll go with the classic. All right. I didn't have it on my list. You didn't have grilled cheese on your list? What an idiot. We said this in the studio beforehand.

Because we kept thinking of things the more that we thought was like, oh, we're missing this. What? Grilled cheese? Grilled cheese? How is that not on my cheese-based foods? It's right in the name. All right. Great pick. Yeah, it's a great pick.

This is troubling because I have two that I want, but I know they're not both. There's no way that they get through Jason. Jason is a master of food drafts and food, and he's going to select one of them. So this is awful. So I'm going to go with. We need to check the tape.

Is Jason really a master of the food drafts, or does he always just have the first pick when it's a food draft? I think that is actually very accurate. I think he always has the first pick of food drafts. Because we'll put the polls out. It'll be fun for some giggles, but it's pizza. Pizza wins everything. So go ahead.

Nachos. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm taking nachos. I'm taking the, yeah, I was. I could have go cheese fries and nachos. There's a chance that the other one gets through, Jason. I think it will get back to you. Okay.

I don't know what you're looking for, but I'm going my own way here. I wanted to go popular with nachos because nachos are just such a hit. But they're my pick. And they were your pick. So I was very, you said you had two. So I knew I had a 50% chance of getting nachos. And I lost that fight. So I'm looking at my list here.

There are so many good things. Man, cheese is good. Oh, brother. Hashtag not a sponsor. Has um oh brother hashtag not a sponsor hashtag cheese not a sponsor big cheese big cheese should be a sponsor listen big cheese if you're out there mr mrs g uh we are totally down to support your product yeah by being financially supported of course yeah um big fan of your product. So, yeah. Do you think big cheese and big diuretics work together? Oh, that's smart because you eat enough big cheese,

you're going to need something to wash that out. Yeah. As they say. And a big doctor. Yeah, a big cholesterol. All right, your two picks. All right, okay. Illuminati stuff going on cholesterol. All right. You're two picks. All right. OK. Illuminati stuff going on here. All right. I'm going to go with it. We've got a couple appetizers here

like I view nachos as an appetizer. Sure. You definitely didn't say appetizer right. No I did not. I would never. Go on. But I'm going to go with the mozzarella sticks. Okay. That's the other pick. Really? Yes. Really? So you definitely took it. Look, the range of outcomes on mozzarella sticks, I'll admit, it's wide. You can have delicious ones, and you can have some that are just really good. That are just really good. All right.

That's fair. That's really true. Now, do you prefer stick, or do you prefer triangle? Oh, triangle. I thought you were going to say like patty. Yeah, but all shapes are welcome. Now, do you prefer stick or do you prefer triangle? Oh, triangle. I thought you were going to say like patty. Yeah, but all shapes are welcome. Wait, wait, wait. Like a coin.

Like a coin. Like a medallion. Like a mozzarella medallion. Yeah, like a medallion of cheese. I don't think I've ever gotten the medallion. That's more common than triangle. What? Jason, you're the authority on cheese.

You eat at fancier places. Fancier places have the medallions. Tell me where I would get this. Whoa, i didn't know i was a rich cheese eater the only medallion fried mozzarella i can think of is like if it comes on a burger they specially shape it for the burger where are you there's also there's also the the rectangles i've never seen a wreck oh yes i have that's just like a flat stick yeah tgiGI Fridays used to just smash their mozzarella stick down and act like it was fancy. Okay, so there are varieties, but you're taking it. That's a good pick.

For the record, all are delicious. I mean, super good. Well, because the key ingredient is the cheese. Yeah. There is one that is weird. I don't know if you guys, this is very local, but you're listening. Zips? Have you guys ever had their mozzarella sticks?

You love zips. I do, but their mozzarella sticks are stupid. They come- They're corkscrews. No, that's not breaded. The outside is like a spring roll. Still breezy in Phoenix today. All right, my second pick here.

My second pick- So I was hanging out at 75th and Bell. You can't imagine what was happening there. Anyways, I'm going to talk for a while about Johnny. Man, he does think he's in the Truman Show. All right, for my second pick, I'm going to go with the heart over the popular. It's the exact same thing. Someone else is going to draft the exact same thing I'm drafting right now. They're going to get the more popular, but the clear worse version.

I am taking something that you guys know if we go to a Mexican restaurant, I will order every single time, and it's basically pizza minus the sauce. I'm taking a cheese crisp, baby. Okay. Yeah, cheese crisp, baby. Okay. Yeah, cheese crisp is great that you took that because that means I can take a cheese quesadilla. Yeah. And it's all mine.

All you're doing is flipping it in half and making it smaller and stupid. But a cheese quesadilla is so much better. It's so much better. That's what I said. I'm going with the heart and the truth versus popularity and your stupid opinions. It's not. The quesadilla has more cheese. Hey, how do things get popular?

By being more delicious than the other things. The quesadilla has absolutely no more cheese. Oh, it definitely has more cheese. It certainly does. Okay, not per bread. More cheese per capita. Oh, not per bread. I mean, that's just. Look, per bite is what I care about, my brother.

Yeah, I want my cheese crispy. And that's why I go with cheese crisps. You fold this thing in half and you got this soggy, you know, oily, nasty, soft quesadilla. What a terrible pick, Andy. Unfold that thing. Leave it in the oven a little bit longer and have it crispy. You do like a good cheese crisp. You're the one adult man that I know has ordered it around me.

I'm definitely eating the cheese crisp. Well, this is fantastic news over here, fellas. Number one for the turn, I'm going to take a cheesesteak. I will take the Philly cheesesteak, my friends. Dang it. There's no way that I can nullify that fact. Yeah, because cheese is in it's called the cheese you know what else it is in a cheeseburger thank you ladies and

gentlemen next pick yeah see that one seems really hard why would you say it's a lettuce based uh a lettuce based food no have you ever ever ordered just a lettuce burger? Hmm. Dang it. Could come back. Actually, yeah. I mean, people order hamburgers. You can order a lettuce-wrapped cheeseburger. I order a lettuce burger. We good here, Al?

All right. Cheese-based food? I thought you were going to go Juicy Lucy. That'd be a little bit more cheese-based. It's the exact same thing. It's just, what? It's the exact same thing. It's just on the inside. And the outside.

No, it's not on the outside. Okay. Look, I'll admit, Mike totally, like, he went from not feeling like he had picks to he discovered a new pantheon of picks. Well, I couldn't believe that cheeseburger made it back. I thought about cheese. I didn't put it on the list because I didn't see it as a cheese-based food, but it's

in the name. There is a chance people will vote based on the heavier cheese-to-everything-else ratio. Because there are foods that are more just cheese, like my final pick, which I have... This is not your final pick, by the way. Is it? It is. Oh, I'm done? Yeah. You're done.

You're good. Wrap it up. Mac and cheese, I'm done? You're done. You're good. Wrap it up. Mac and cheese, nachos, cheese quesadilla, and I'm going to close it out with the very underrated but very delicious cheese curds. Cheese curds are wonderful. They are. Spectacular. They are fried mozzarella just in a little circular shape.

Well, I mean, technically, cheese curds aren't even fried. What? They're not. Oh. Most cheese curds are not fried. They're a bag full of cheese curds aren't even fried i mean what what they're not oh most cheese curds are not fried they're a bag full are they baked no no they're not even hot cheese they're just so we look at cheese curds and what we're at whenever we get cheese they're breaded though right no when when you order cheese curds at culver's or at a restaurant they are always breaded breaded they're breaded and fried but they don't call them fried cheese curds. They just call them cheese curds.

But in reality, Andy is right. A cheese curd is just the inside, and those are delicious. They're unbelievable. I mean, it's just cheese. It's a bag full of cheese curds. Yeah. You can do some research. So you're saying, technically speaking, a cheese curd is not breaded.

Correct. Correct. Correct. Yeah. A cheese curd is just a little lump of cheese. It's breaded. Correct. Correct. Correct. Yeah. A cheese curd is just a little lump of cheese. It's like a nub of cheese. A nub. Good word.

Thank you. A nub of cheese. Yeah. Goodness. I have family from Wisconsin. I mean, Al's over there. He's nodding. I mean, if you're anywhere in the, what is that, the Midwest, you're eating cheese curds

by the bag full. Oh, yeah. Have you ever seen people? The Midwest? You're eating cheese curds by the bag full. Oh, yeah. Have you ever seen people? Look, it's a heartier part of the nation. Look, I don't blame you. You got a lot of cheese up there. Now, you may have said it, but my mind was too busy being exploded. Do you serve it warm?

No. No. Cold. serve it warm? No. No. Cold. Right out of the bag. Right out of the fridge. So it's just. It's not the same thing as a block of cheese. It really isn't.

It is not at all. How is it different? It's because it's little bites. It's like, you know how you have popcorn shrimp, right? It's like popcorn cheese. They are moist pieces of curdled milk eaten alone as a snack or used in dishes. Yeah, and you could just pop them in your mouth. But what if I just took a block of cheese and I cut it up?

It's not the same. It's really not. Look at the pictures. Like if you were to cube a block of cheddar, you know what I mean? You just cube it about the same size. They're not the same. Nothing similar. But what changes it?

The cheese curds areds it's a younger there's a texture difference too they're a lot softer and almost they're softer so like in between so squeaky cheese is what they call it what makes them what makes them soft and squeaky i'm not getting any answers the curd the curd is what makes them uh they call it squeaky normally my wife would just say give me some squeaky cheese. No, she doesn't. My wife says the exact same thing. It's called squeaky cheese.

That's dumb. You're married to psychopaths. It's just a young cheddar that has not been aged in any way. It is. Yeah. This is like teenage cheddar. Here's rule number three of cheese curds. Good curds squeak.

If your curd doesn't squeak, you're not holding a fresh curd. Oh, man. Squeaky curd gets to eat. That's what I would say. Squeaky curd gets to eat? Old curds aren't bad, comma, they're just cheese. It's just not as good. Okay, so like somehow in the aging.

It's the babies. Oh, no. Yeah, baby cheese. It's like lamb chops? Yes, exactly exactly this is the veal of uh cheese rule number six some some curds are just cheese chunks that's not a rule that's an idea they have a very short shelf life squeaky cheese all right that i mean that's what i'm taking cheese curds you know it when you know it that's great that's on my. So it's like you were making cheese, and you're like, I can't wait anymore. I've got to eat this cheese.

You're darn right. Give me that squeaky cheese. Wow. I know I should wait, but man, I'm hungry. All right. So I'm really struggling between two here. This show is so educational. Oh, it really is.

Just for the three of us. Everyone listening knows all this. Man, I'm looking at two different cheese dips here. Okay. Oh, like a con queso? So one of them is queso. I'm trying to decide between queso and fondue here for my final pick. I love fondue.

Now, fondue is just hot cheese. Yes. Oh, yeah. It's melted cheese. It's melted cheese. But love going out for fondue. Now, fondue is just hot cheese. Yes. Oh, yeah. It's melted cheese. It's melted cheese. But it's an experience, too. Also, you can't go to a... If you went to a restaurant and you ordered melted cheese, that would cost $6.

But if you order fondue, that's $60. You put a zero on the end of that number. Now, is fondue made of the oldest, like the grandma cheese? We make fondue at home quite often. I make a lot of melted cheese. Well, it's not just melted cheese. There's a lot of stuff that I have. I have curded cheese.

You got to put like a, we use a beer base, and you got to have some, what's the white powdery stuff called? Not flour. Salt? No, no, like to keep the cheese from sticking to itself. Corn. You're on your own here. Corn starch. There it is.

Thank you. I'm going to take fondue. I love fondue. Okay. I was considering that or queso, and queso is great. So it's cheese fondue. But yes, cheese fondue. That's great.

Honestly, all the fondue restaurants, that's the best part. Bread and cheese. Oh, yeah. The dessert is great, but stop with the entrees. It's funny how many ways that we dress up bread and cheese as a normal meal. Oh, yeah. We go and we do. It's mac and cheese, but it's also pizza.

But it's also like fettuccine Alfredo. That's just mac and cheese in a different wrapping. Yeah, it's white. That's it. That's the only different cheese in a different wrapping. Yeah, it's white. That's it. That's the only difference. More butter. Yeah. Look, I'm really proud of this group that cheesecake did not get drafted.

It's on my list, and if you guys did a better job, I would have had to get down to it. You know, a cheese danish. Oh, give me one of those. Oh, man, do I love a cheese danish. I could eat a thousand. Oh, my goodness. I will never stop. I would never a thousand. Oh, my goodness. I will never stop.

I would never stop eating. They're so good. However many cheese danishes are in front of me is how many I will eat. Yes, I agree, brother. Other things on my list. You had the queso spinach artichoke dip, which is good, but it's below the other dips. Cheese enchiladas. I got that on my list.

Enchiladas is on my list. And potatoes au gratin. I got that on my list, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, cheese dip is the other dips. Cheese enchiladas. I got that on my list. Enchiladas is on my list. And potatoes are great. I got that on my list, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, cheese dip is the last one. Like ravioli. Ooh. And then I'm a huge fan.

Look, my love for a good Chipotle burrito or just whatever, an actual authentic, fully stuffed burrito. But you give me just a bean and cheese burrito? Those are very popular with my kids. I'm all over that. Those are so good. Bean and cheese burritos get no respect. They don't. But they are super good, and I will never order one.

I will never order it. Let me just bring something up. We're willing to eat cheese quesadillas, yes? Yes. We're willing to eat cheese enchiladas, yes? Yes. Yes. But are we not willing to eat a straight, just straight cheese burrito?

I'm going to try it. A straight cheese burrito. What's the difference between those three things? What's the difference between a quesadilla and a cheese burrito? It would just be how it's folded. Correct. But nobody eats a cheese burrito. I feel like the difference.

I would get down with that. I'm saying we should the difference is just the size of the cheese in the middle you know what there might your your ratio of cheese to bread as as my friend eloquently brought forth i think it might be too cheesy although a know, what's been too cheesy before is a cheese. Um, uh, what's the, not the pizza, the, uh, the whole this, uh, no, a puzzle, a pocket is not a puzzle. No, that's the zone. That's the version

that I've had a calzone. I've had a calzone where I'm chewing a full mouthful of cheese down at our local pizza place. Talk about local. This guy. He didn't. I said a calzone. All right, we're done.

Let's drive down to 101. What did we learn today? You all out there learned a lot about where Jason lives. I learned that Mike has never kicked anything in his life. I learned that cheese curds are baby cheese. That is also what I learned. If I learned anything else, I was the one who taught everybody that you can...

You can draft a cheeseburger. That's for sure. You can feed a baby from your armpit. I learned that today and I didn't know you could do that. If everything goes right. You guys want to get some cheese for dinner? You're darn right I do.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Hey, Spitwads. Hey. The episode is over. Oh, no. Aw.

And there may be others that you could listen to, but right now you should go to jointhespit.com because you can become an official Spitwad supporter of the show. What? Yeah, you could, Mike. It's true. I've been there. We've made that a possibility at jointh join the spit.com and you can add your contributions to the show have a would you rather question you want us to uh maybe put here

and discuss that was that you spitting that was the spit tank you have access to the spit sound like a spittoon wait is that not a that is the same thing right oh that's the same thing yeah can we go to spit spittoon.com or, we don't own spittoon.com. Oh, all right. But you can go to jointhespit.com and become a spitwad. That is excellent.