Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 17: Cereal Mock Draft and Everything You Need To Know About Canada - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 8, 2018

So... a shocking guest makes an appearance in one of our houses on today's Spitballers Comedy Podcast. We have some bizarre questions today and one of the guys chooses to live life with "the squirts." You also get to know everything there is to know about Canada in under 60 seconds. Finally, the guys get heated over what the best breakfast cereals are and one of them clearly pulls out the win. Make sure you subscribe and tell your friends about the Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody? Jason. What's going on, everybody? You fine, fine people. Thank you very much, Andy, for referring to me as I deserve to be referred to. That's fine. You're fine. Exactly. You know what I am?

I'm fine. You're fine. Exactly. You know what I am? I'm fine. You're fine. I'm okay. I remember when I attended your wedding and your wife, she read her vows and she said, this is fine. This fine man is all right. Do you accept Jason Moore? That's fine. That's fine.

Sure. Welcome into another episode of the Spitballers Podcast, your weekly dose of, well, nonsense and life advice, the kind that both, I think, intrigues, but also tantalizes, is where I was going. I knew it. Thank you, Mike. I knew it. Today we have would you rather, We have that's a great question.

And yet another highly important, soon to be voted upon, mock draft. Yes. So without giving anything away from the last one, one of the three of us had a surprisingly low amount of votes. That is true. We left that mock draft thinking, hey, this is maybe one of the closest drafts, closest

final groups. Yeah. I was wrong because there's one that nobody likes. It's a two-horse race. And yeah, I don't want to spoil it. don't want to say who yeah I could have been any of us

at spitballers pod is the twitter so you can go follow us over there find out what's new that's where the polls go where the polls go you know people have been asking why don't you put the polls on facebook too because you know you can follow us on facebook

just to be clear people's being Mike earlier today? Well, Mike referring to other people's. Yes. Facebook, unless you are in a group or an event, does not allow a poll with more than two options. It's an A-B poll. That's it. You can't go A-B-C.

To be fair, you could have just put my options and your options on Facebook. Or two of the three of us. We don't know who. Hypothetically. Well, if you want to follow us on the useless platform, Facebook, polling platform, it's facebook.com slash spitballerspod. And we always appreciate your itunes subscriptions your reviews those are some simple and quick and easy ways to help us keep doing what we're doing which is turn on the

microphones and uh talk for an hour i mean look not everybody can win back to back to back, People's Choice Podcast Awards.com winners. And we have done that. Not for this show. Not for this podcast. What are you talking about? People don't care. But we have proven that we can do it elsewhere. This podcast has won no awards, but we have won many.

So enjoy the ride. I was student of the month, third grade through sixth grade i bet your parents had a bumper sticker didn't they i actually don't remember i know a lot of parents do my parents had the bumper sticker did they we had it on the the old the minivan that had with those white and had the wood paneling oh would you guys have that no would either of you that was a good time i mean back when they were like man how do we make this car look classier? Ooh, let's make it look like the doors are made out of wood. I wish my car was made out of wood.

Well, they did that with the station wagons, too. Yes. But then the station wagons had the seats in the very back, because these things were limo length. And in the very back, you'd be facing outward. You know what I miss? You remember that yes i miss we had one of the we had the full-size van like you know people still call a minivan a

minivan but really that's just a van sure like there's no people don't drive around in a full-size van unless it's like some commercial you know take people to and from the airport this is it fellas you you guys you guys don't remember this van? No, I do remember that. The wood down the middle. That's translating well on the podcast. Well, I'm just reminding you guys so that you guys can talk about it. Did you know? Oh, go ahead.

So we had a full-size van. And I don't know if you remember those. In the van, there were two captain's chairs in the second row that could swivel. Oh, yeah. I could turn this thing backwards forwards and in between those was a table that had a built-in chess or checkers board well that's living wow now let me ask you this at what point maybe it was never but did you hit the point where you had you had the full-size van, and it had the television in it.

Oh, no. We're talking, and this is old school. Come on. You had to be rich. No, because this is the CRV, where the screen is about eight inches, maybe, and it's got the VCR on it. Oh, tiny bitty baby. No, no.

No way. No, we didn't have that kind of money, Mike. Well, you were over there with no cable. Well, exactly. What's that kind of money, Mike. That's what, well, you were over there with no cable. Well, exactly. What's the point of a TV? I actually, I was in the back of one of those station wagons once with a friend of mine, the ones that the seats turn backwards. Had someone point a gun at me.

What? Oh, interesting. And my buddy. We were like. What did their face have? What was their face like? They were laughing. Okay, it was a joyous, jubilous joke.

We were in the back of the car, and you're at a stoplight, and another car pulls up behind us, and we were facing backwards so they could see us. And then we may or may not have been making some faces and things of that nature, and he reached... Did you moon him? No, we didn't moon him. This was a car full of kids

and my friend's mom was driving and he reaches over, he opens his glove compartment, pulls a gun out and points it straight at my face. Oh, the 80s. Oh, the 80s. I would have pissed my pants.

I hit the ground, man. And then we told the mom and the mom said, everybody get down. And we all got down. And then we drove home. Got the station wagon peeling out. Yeah.

Smoke flying. I feel like Andy is underselling the part of their instigation. We didn't ask for a gun to be pointed at us. Well, of course. But did you sign some things that were inappropriate? No. Or was this, you're just going like. It was really childish, nonsensical faces.

And then I said the F word real loud. And we threw a rock out the... All right, we're moving on into our first segment. Would you rather... Would you rather be beautiful? Ooh. But every time you burp, you shouted an insult about the person closest to you. Or would you rather be hideous?

But every time you burp, money comes out of your mouth. Now, I feel like we have a problem with these questions because every single time jason just says well i don't burp or i'm already beautiful yeah i well look one of those two is at least true maybe two of those two but uh yeah put yourself in the shoes of a person that is physically capable of a real human A real human being. Sure. I'll pretend like I'm one of you. Yes. You're an alien struggle monster. We need to know what kind of money we're dealing with here. Is this dirty coins or am I burping up Benjamins?

Is this coins or paper money? This has to be Benjamins. I don't know if we need to determine that. I mean, at some point, you could instigate the burps to try to matriculate more funds. But the material of the money matters. Sure. Okay. So it's a mixture.

You don't know. Sometimes it's a coin. Okay. Maybe it's a quarter. Sometimes it's a bill. Could be a 20. Could be a 1. Could be a 100.

Right. Sometimes it's a silver dollar, and those get stuck in the throat sometimes. You know, here's the deal. A silver dollar. If you're beautiful, there's one thing I've learned from carrying that burden. Uh-huh. Is that you can say any dang thing you want. Okay.

It doesn't matter. You can insult someone, but if you're good-looking enough, they'll still like you. They'll still love you. Good message, Jason. Good message. they'll still like you. They'll still love you. Good message, Jason. Well, hey, look, if you're a young one and you're listening,

be good looking. Be good looking. Be good looking. These are the life lessons. Great message. Great life lessons from the spitballers. Just don't be so ugly. I mean, really, this is do you want money or do you want beauty?

That's what the question kind of comes down to, right? Or do you not beauty? That's what the question kind of comes down to, right? Because if you're... Or do you not want to be insulting? Yeah, I don't want to insult the people around me. I mean, Mike, I would love to hear your insight to this as someone who is neither beautiful or hideous. Just fine. Just right in the middle.

Right in the smack dab in the middle. Right in the crack. One cheek is smack dab in the middle. Right in the crack. One cheek is beautiful, and you got the ugly cheek. You're right in the head crack. Yeah. Well, what's my good side? I mean, I've got to face you. I can at least give you the good cheek.

Oh, no. I'm going to go this way. Let's move on. I'm going to go this way. I guess I'm taking the money because I'm not trying to be mean. You don't want to be mean. You don't want to be because you're going to be. I completely disagree with Jason's statement of if every time you had to burp,

you shouted an insult, then that's it. I can control my burps pretty well. I feel like i could run myself i i would shuffle off into another room and you'd hear this yell from the other room like you disgust me right right jason moore smells terrible yeah you can say that right to my face so i would take uh i would i think the money game would get a little, that would get annoying having to pull that money out of your mouth all the time. And with what force does this money come out?

Just like a slow gargle. Because do the coins project? I mean, are you hitting yourself in the teeth? Yeah, I don't want to ruin my teeth here. You're not damaging anything. You're just having to pull it out of your mouth. That's why I feel like this had to be your belp and vengeance. It's like finding an extra piece of food in your mouth, like after a meal. Okay. But it's a dollar bill. No, I take it out of your mouth. That's why I feel like this had to be your belp and binge. It's like finding an extra piece of food in your mouth after a meal. Okay.

But it's a dollar bill. No, I'm taking it. I'm beautiful. I'm beautiful. I don't want dirty money in my mouth. I'm beautiful. It's true. You're beautiful, so you're going to scream the insults.

Jason, you're going to scream the insults? Oh, yeah. I mean, I feel like this is just describing me. I'll insult you guys already. And you're already beautiful. I mean, I feel like this is just describing me. I'll insult you guys already. And you're already beautiful. I'm so handsome. Would you rather have Batman skills, money, equipment, and lifestyle? Okay, so this is the whole package.

You've got it all. You've got the gadgets. You've got the Batcave. You've got the money. You've got the gadgets and gizmos aplenty. So Batman skills, money, equipment, and lifestyle, or end crime around the world for good but be very poor and unnoticed. I'm Batman.

This isn't even a question. Do I get to be a superhero? You get to be a legit. And I get to be Batman. I am a billionaire. Legit Batman. Bruce Wayne. I was just playing the new Spider-Man, and I'm swinging around,

and I end up fighting some supervillain. You're like, how incredible would this be? If this was your life, that you get to go have these fights that are beyond measure, that normal mortal man can never even dream of a fight of this scale and magnitude. And here I am. I get to be Batman. And then you know what Batman's life is like

when he's not Batman? Lonely. No. Bruce Wayne? He's lonely in a big old mansion. He's a billionaire a big old mansion. He's a billionaire. Do what he want.

I was going to say, they always paint him as a lonely, kind of angry man in a big house. Yeah, well, maybe he's Batman-ing a little bit too much. Maybe I scale 30% back of the Batman. Put that in the Bruce Wayne. Mike has no concern for the crime of the world he's like not only will I not fix all the crime if I don't get credit I'm just Bruce Wayne

I'm getting rid of the Batman too I just want the cool car he wants the joyride in the Batmobile and be a billionaire crime may you found the only way in which more crime happens than in the default all the crime is here and no super maybe once a week i'll get out and stop a burglary life will be awesome i feel like this question is just a

are you a bad person yes are you selfish or do you care about other people not completely selfish because the maybe you choose the batman that actually fights crime unlike my batman who goes to the club but you're uh see i feel like here's the thing you would you would give me a beat you would always you would be batman bruce wayne but you'd be at all times wearing the the entire batman outfit minus the hat the the you know the cowl yeah because you don't want people to not know who you are you just want the bod the batman bod with hey i'm bruce wayne barkeep i need a drink. I need a refreshing beverage. Give me another. Okay, so I put you in a situation where you don't want to say you're a bad person, Jason.

No, no, no. I will absolutely not be Batman in this situation. You're not Batman? No, I mean, look. If I can... All crime is over, therefore Batman is not needed. So Batman himself is the person you're hurting. Perfect. I'm Bruce Waynene i don't feel

guilty because there's the crime has been eradicated there's no point in batman without crying i'll give you a couple bucks jason here's the problem you're just a man and it's a mask it says end crime around the world for good but be poor and unnoticed. I have no problem with the unnoticed part. I don't need any credit. The world's just better. But I gotta be poor? I have to live under a bridge while Mike's over there reaping the rewards of my crime riddance

in the Batmobile? I got a guest house for you, man. Hey, this is gonna work out. It's $500 a night. Of course it is. Of course it is. I'm going to need a loan. I'm a businessman.

Bruce, would you rather... Swear to me. That's also the only reason he wants to be Batman. I'm going to do the rest of the show. Would you rather... Doing my Batman voice. Would you rather sustain all of your nourishment by eating your toenails

or be able to eat whatever you want but have massive diarrhea? Now we're back in the wheelhouse. Would you rather sustain all of your nourishment by eating your toenails? So 100% of your nourishment comes from your feet. Or you can eat whatever you want, but you have to suffer the consequences of, well, a case of the. Oh, this is easy. You got the squirts. This is easy.

I'm living that squirt life. Really? Oh, you betcha. I did not know what he was going to say when he said this was easy. No, I mean, look, I've lived the squirt life before. Okay. I've lived on a healthy fast food diet i've gone to the arby's and chipotle's for a week straight and you know what you gotta pay

the price you gotta you gotta pay the piper you gotta pay the porcelain price and uh i i here's one thing i know that i can do i can sustain that life you You really? You're calloused enough? Oh, my goodness. Not yet, but I will be. So let's get into the weeds with this a little bit. All right. Because when you say you have a massive case, how much of your day is spent in the bathroom?

Five. Five times at least. Five times. So how many minutes of your day is now erased due to your meal choices usually and now mike you choose this every week now yeah every saturday or sunday you break i break my diet to just be and it's usually chipotle and with that one break i would say i lose 40 minutes of the day yeah it's really's really true. The next day or that day or both? Well, the night is gone because each time I eat the burrito,

I tell my wife, I'm like, Good night? No, it's not good night. This is it. I'm ascending tonight. So goodbye, kids. Wow. And you do it every week.

Yeah, and I do. I keep going back. You make this decision in miniature every week minus the toenail part. Have you ever eaten a Chipotle burrito? It's delicious. My other problem here is... Let's say in this case, five times a day, 30 minutes a time, two and a half hours a day to eat whatever you want. Would you spend two and a half hours a day in the bathroom?

Well, this is not a zero-sum game here. I'm not just eating whatever I want, which would be awesome, but I'm also not eating my toes, which, to be fair, I cannot reach. Like, you know how some people all day... You can clip. Yeah, you can clip. Yeah, clip and sit. Okay, okay.

I can get behind that. But hold on. Because once you clip the toenails and you've taken what I assume was a day's worth of rations down, your nails don't grow overnight. Well, in this situation, you can do a morning trim. They would have to. Otherwise, you're basically hungry for a week. Your foot's gone.

You've eaten it. Or you ration it properly. One, clipping. You've got to let them grow in progression. So you clip one in the morning, have a snack, clip the second, put it back, clip the third. I mean, that's a lot of diarrhea. A lot. Two and a half hours a day.

That's a lot. How do you think your bathroom life is going to be after your diet of toenails? Well, you're nourished from it. Yeah, you've got regular. Clearly, you are fine. You're solid, man. Yeah. Yeah, you got regular. Clearly, you are fine. You're solid, man. Yeah. Yeah, give me the squirts.

Wow. Okay. I'm eating the toenails. We're moving on. That's a great question. Imagine. Imagine. In a world.

It is a dark night, but not the kind we talked about earlier This is the real Like not the dark night Oh okay Imagine it is a dark night You are alone It is raining outside Oh that's nice

You hear someone walking around outside your window Creepy Who do you wish was there with you? Okay Hmm Who do you wish was there with you? Okay. Hmm. Who do you wish was there with you? Okay. Got it.

Okay. Batman. I could be there. No, you would be Bruce Wayne and you would be drunk. No. So I don't want drunk Bruce Wayne. I still have the bat suit on. You probably only have, at this point, you're just wearing the utility belt.

He's throwing the bat knives at all. That's it. The utility belt between you. Wait, is this the whole question of just who do you want with you? The question is you're in that situation, and you could bear that out any way you want. You are in a home. Yeah, you're at home.

And you're alone, and then you hear something, and who do you want with you in that moment? Because there's two answers. There's someone that realistically could be there with you in your life right now, and then there's the hypothetical Batman, or Superman, or a police officer, or I'll take a sharpshooter. Yeah, I was thinking elon musk that was who i mean look not totally unrelated to the person outside i think it's just be cool

because you want a conversation with yeah so you want to die with elon wait i have to die here well i if you might elon you might well no i when when i told you i knew who my answer was oh i know mine i know my answer for sure i mean it was you you really put me there i closed my eyes i was in this situation this is connor mcgregor no it was my wife oh you want to say why because she listened to the last episode where he said she can't go to the super bowl i got in big trouble you want to be there with your wife in this moment of danger yes because you want to bring your wife into this danger. Because. Is what you just said.

Yeah, here's, there's a two part. She was safe, now she's not. Yeah, right. Tiff is going to kick butt. Are you kidding me? She was super safe now because she's with me. Okay, now I don't need someone to protect me. I need someone to protect.

I need to. Oh, to get your ferocity going? Yeah, exactly. I need to go, oh, where's my gun? Oh, I don't have a gun. Where's my bat? I 100% know how your gun situation goes. You hear a sound.

Your wife is there. You want to protect her. You run off to the gun safe. You try infinite combinations that you do not remember to open it. You throw the box at the intruder. Man kills you. I thought for sure you were going to say open it. You throw the box at the intruder. Man kills you. I thought for sure you were going to say, like, you open the safe. Man kills his box.

You get the gun out. You can't find the bullets. The bullets are missing. Where did you put the bullets? That's way. Yes, that would all happen if you could get it open. But you know you don't remember that combination anyway. No, no way.

1-1-1-1. 1-1-1-2. 1-1-1- one three it's dark it's raining you hear someone outside yes we've all been in a situation like that and do you want to know who it is outside it's nothing it's nobody it's a neighbor walking to his breaker box it's a look here's the truth there's no there's no crime house yeah there's no neighbors keep their breaker box at your house between our houses okay right that's not too uncommon you you gave me an idea with your elon musk theory because okay i can i'm chatting it up i got a a friend over we're playing some board game we're playing war with the cards.

But can this guy also help me out at the same time? But I also get to have a cool conversation with him. It's Mark Wahlberg. It's absolutely Mark. It's Mark Wahlberg. Hey, Mike. Hey, Mark. Hey, what's up?

Oh, man, Mark. You hear that sound? I'm so glad you could be here tonight. Are you worried about that window, man? No. Say hi to your mother for? No Say hi to your mother for me Should we close the window Mark? No man I'm cool I like the rain

Say hi to your mother for me What's your take on Dungeons and Dragons? Dude outside You wanna come in share a bite have a sandwich Hey come on in Say hi to your mother for me Yeah absolutely Mark Wahlberg would become best friends With the burglar Share a bite? Have a sandwich? Hey, come on in. Say hi to your mother for me. Yeah, absolutely.

Mark Wahlberg would become best friends with the burglar. He will either befriend the burglar or take care of business. He's a tough dude. Hold on. Can a case be made for Adolf Hitler here? What? What? What?

What? What just happened? Can a case? So many reasons. No. No, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. Can a case be made that you want that person with you to be the obvious choice of the one

entering the home? If I am in a situation with a home invasion and they come in and it's me or Hitler. They're going to kill Hitler? Yeah. Is that what you're're that's my whole angle here okay so this is a okay but you realize you want the worst case no no no but you realize that this person who stumbled upon a house was like holy crap andy holloway is best friends with adolf hitler i'm gonna do the world a favor i'm gonna get them both here you have not been protected. Well, we will be in the middle of an argument about philosophy when he comes in. I'm anti his thoughts.

I'm very anti Hitler. See, you bring Hitler inside, you've got a whole new problem to worry about, and it's Hitler, okay? You just said, I don't want a burglar outside. I want Hitler in my house. That's so much safer. I don't got to worry about a burglar because the devil is inside my home right now. I guess you're right.

You don't have to worry about that burglar anymore. Was he much of a fight on his own? I'm pretty sure he was. He was hopped up on methamphetamines. Hitler? Yes. No, he wasn't. Yes.

I'm sure he was. Is that real? That is 100% real. They had those in the 40s? Yes. Before all of his speeches, he would hit the pipe. Really? Yes.

So he'd be a good time before they showed up? You now have a cracked out Hitler in your house. Lights are off raining outside. You are running to the arms of that burglar. Save me! For a final answer here, you're a no. A case could not be made for Hitler. No.

Jason, you're a no. Correct. Okay. We're going to move on. A little more philosophical here. This is why I need you guys. You. Correct. Okay. We're going to move on. A little more philosophical here. This is why I need you guys. You guys set me straight. I'll go with... The answer to

any question, unless it's like, who started World War II? It's never Adolf Hitler. You are at a doctor's office. He just informed you that you have approximately one month to live you feel that

it's getting heavy do you tell anyone and everyone that you're going to die or not and then what do you do with those last days this got less funny so I got a month

this is called a great question people want to know what would you do Well, this got less funny. Okay, so I got a month left to live. This is called a great question. People want to know what would you do? Because everybody's like, have you met those people who they never want to tell you when they're sick? They never want to tell you when they have a problem. They never want to tell you when they're dealing with anything. They're private and they don't want to burden people and they don't want to be a problem. So like you personally, do you tell everyone?

Do you tell a few people? Like you've got 30 days. The clock is running. What do you tell everyone do you tell a few people like you've got 30 days the clock is running what do you do i mean i've never asked myself this question i would have to tell my wife i would have i'm not gonna leave her unprepared yeah that that's a that's a given for me um and then i live as reckless as humanly possible. Well, you already have. Parachuting without the parachute. Got it. You have infinite diarrhea already.

Right. And when I'm parachuting, that's going everywhere. Rain. What is this? Brown rain. So do you, by the way, if you have that bad of diarrhea, don't you only have about 30 days anyway? Yeah, this was the cause. It was all Arby's all the time.

You just visited the doctor. He said, hey, by chance, per chance, have you had diarrhea for the last three years? And then you said, per chance. Why, yes, I have eaten Arby's for 900 days straight. Not a future sponsor, clearly. Not a future sponsor, but a future place I'm going to eat at. He ate 900 days straight of Arby's for 900 days straight. Not a future sponsor, clearly. Not a future sponsor, but a future place I'm going to eat at. He ate 900 days straight of Arby's. I love Arby's.

Would they be? Pause. Time out. I really like Arby's. That's what I was going to say. Does Arby's, are they fine with this conversation because we acknowledge how good the food tastes? I think they are. It's not all that bad.

Look, they have to be because they know it gives you the squirts. They've all eaten it. Nobody's ever come out of there going, boy, I feel great. How fibrous is that? It's time to go to the gym. I'm fueled up. Can you imagine those old Total commercials, but instead they're having a beef and cheddar in the office every morning?

Get regular with Arby's. Yeah, I mean, they work there. They've eaten there. They know two things. One, it's delicious. It's awesome. Two, they're going to pay the price. They're going to be on a toilet sweating, wiping sweat profusely from their forehead,

and then 10 minutes later, they're back going to Arby's. Is Arby's owned by Charmin? Why? Why? is this a possibility if it's not that is a business philosophy that I want to adopt in all future businesses I want to be both the cause and the effect I want to be a product that it serves in what both direction problem in the solution yeah self-fulfilling I will cycle like you know, Chipotle and Prilosec, they should be owned by the same company. This is genius. Because you cause a problem, then you fix it. Or they, like, at least at Arby's, you go to the soda fountain, you should be able to

go half Coke, half Alka-Seltzer. Yes. They should acknowledge it. Just ride out the fountain. Or, you know how when you go and you get wings and they give you the wet naps? You go to Arby's, they give you a couple wet naps and then a small packet of Pepto.

I mean, just acknowledge it and that way I'm happier when I leave and I go back. You're going to need this. Yeah, honestly, if Arby's were to team up with like Cottonelle wet wipes and just distribute those at their location, like wings, you get the wet wipes for your fingers. This is like, here's your, and when you take it to go,

they give you a little Cottonelle wet wipe single use with your big Montana. Hold on. Are you inferring there is multi-use? I think that by definition they have to be single use. They are. Other than the fold. Just rinse it out. Just rinse it out.

Fold it over. Flip it to the other side and go do your business. It's exactly to function like a handkerchief. I meant that there was like. You want to handkerchief that thing. One in the package is not like a 10-pack. What if- Single wipe.

What if Taco Bell, Arby's, some of these restaurants, what if instead of that philosophy, they just build out the most beautiful restrooms you've ever seen? Like stay for a while. Stay for a while. The Arby's. Stay for a while. I like it. It's like those new, have you seen the Chase Banks where they're trying to turn them into

like a coffee shop? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, like Arby's, sell me a house while I'm leisurely. I really need this cappuccino before I close my loan. Pitch me a credit card while I'm very comfortable. So would you tell everybody? I feel like I would tell everybody that mattered and nobody else.

I feel like I would plan. You're more private though, Mike. Yeah, I would keep it to myself. I would plan the biggest party I've ever had in my life. Invite everyone. All friends. Blow it out. And be like, holy crap, this is awesome.

Mike never has parties. You cater with some Marbies. Yeah, sure. Who cares for you? At this point, it won't matter. You should have the biggest meal. That last day. No, the last day because the-

It's a little mortuary surprise. Because there will be a countdown like it's New Year's Eve and no one knows what the big surprise is. But the ball that drops. The ball drops and then right at the apex of the party, I just drop dead right in the middle. Right in the middle. I was assuming the ball was made of beef and cheddar

and it was just going to drop down, eat it, and then that's how you go whatever i'm just saying that the crescendo is that's just lord of the rings when he's like everyone i have an important announcement i will be leaving and then he just disappears he's gone now i know i won't feel this way when i get news like this right but in this hypothetical world i've always thought it would be funny to put your family in a position to fulfill some odd wishes in your will. And maybe record videos that would be progressively released, like a lot of scheduled tweets. Could you get it like two, three years of post-mortem scheduled tweets predicting the future?

Like, hey, it's me again. How about that game? I'm not really gone oh that's right do you also make uh like the countdown to christmas like rings for your death the circle we are morbid morbid you put the question you did the questions i'm doing my best um i put in the questions the people were asking that's fair i mean they want to know now they... They want to know... Now they know. You want better questions. Ask better questions. They want to know about the squirts.

They want to know about the dirts. And this is the dirts. Yeah. When they put you in. One feeds into the other. All right. This one, this final great question before we get into our mock draft.

This one's specific to Jason, and I just simply want to know the answer. Okay. This one came in off the internet, and it's simple. It says, what is the country of canada all about what is so i want to know everything that you know about canada you have 60 seconds okay tell me everything you know about canada uh nice people they love their maple syrup they've got trees they play a game called hockey they say a after

everything uh that they say they are also where you can escape to if you are in handmaiden's tale uh they are north of the united states they are a large country they are uh the meat of the alaska u.s sandwich and they have at least five cities, Montreal, Quebec, Vancouver, and others. So at least three cities, plus many more, I am sure. I would imagine they're also good at ice skating and wrestling mousses. Winnipeg. I think the only thing you really got wrong there amongst all the things was I don't think they're cities, right?

Those are provinces. Some of them. The provinces are the states. There are cities. No, I'm not saying there aren't. I said many of the ones he named were provinces. Vancouver is a province. No, that's a city, right?

Yes. Okay. I got that wrong. Maybe they all are. What? Did you say it was a province? No. Of course not. I think you covered everything there is to know about Canada in 60 seconds.

Yeah, you don't need any more info than that. True story. Oh, goodness. No, it's just not like a hilarious thing. But during my time when I was a traveling fair musician. That's real. I know that that is real. That's not a joke, anybody.

There was a big fair convention where all the us carnies get together and uh let me see those hands they're very small and i smell of cabbage yeah uh and it's like no there's vendors there's booths this is where the all the outside people who run the fairs come in and say, okay, what talent are we going to book? What restaurants are we going to book? We're all trying to be real impressive. So I was part of a musical act, and we were handpicked to open the ceremonies of this convention,

and that involved singing our national anthem. So we had to perform an a cappella version of our national anthem. I also had to sing an a cappella national anthem so we had to perform an acapella version of our national anthem i also had to sing an acapella national anthem from canada oh so we all had no we were up all night learning learning the national anthem for canada my home sweet home no no nailed itailed it. True patriot love. Look, so if you put the words, I don't have all the words memorized anymore, but I could definitely sing the song. Okay.

And it was quite the feat to sing the acapella, the Canadian national anthem in front of like 400 people. Congratulations. Thank you. Very well done. The Spitballers Draft. Did you say they wrestled meese? Mooses.

Yeah. We established on our other podcast, The Fantasy Footballers, that we know we reject the plural of moose being moose. Yeah. Because it's just lazy. All right. Dumb. Mooses.

Today's draft is cereal. Who doesn't love? I am. Great podcast. You know how you guys. Wait, what? It's a great. This.

All right. It's a bad. It's a bad show. Oh, yeah. Give me one. Cut that out. Cut that out. I was just looking for the little.

The rim shot. Yeah, the rim shot. I don't have the rim shot ready. I hit the draft drop. All right. Here's the deal. We're drafting cereals. Jason has the first pick in this one. If there is a thing on this earth that I like, well, it's ice cream.

Ice cream is number one. Cereal is number two. I love cereal. I was the household that grew up with 30 boxes of cereal, every flavor assortment. I'd go to a friend's house and spend the night. I hated them. I hated their families because they only had one or two boxes of cereal. Yeah, you would have hated my house.

You had like one or two? Yeah, we were a Cheerios or Rice Chex house. So let me ask you a question. If that's your house, did you ever eat cereal for breakfast? Yes. My cousin's house was your house. So if I would have an overnight over there, I would wake up and it would just be multicolored sugar cereals.

Yeah, you've been released to the grocery store aisle to do what you want. Yes. So we're drafting cereals. Okay, I've got experience in cereal. I've been around the block. I ain't no fruity pebble. I don't know what that means. Jason, you got the first pick.

What cereal are you taking? This is the easiest draft pick that has ever been made because there's a clear 101. There's a clear number one pick. This is the Michael Jordan. This is the Tom Brady.

This is the Cinnamon Jordan. This is the Tom Brady. This is the cinnamon toast crunch. It is everyone's favorite cereal who has any thoughtful taste buds. It's a perfect combination. You get crunch. You get cinnamon. Cinnamon. You get toast. It's the perfect cereal and look there's only one other cereal that's ever been made that comes anywhere near where where if there's another box there i'll go oh man what do i want and i think it's

going to come all the way back to me because of your two terrible food tests. We're going to introduce a new twist to this draft. Oh, don't. And here's the twist. You've got Cinnamon Toast Crunch. When the person makes a pick, the other two people get a one-word rebuttal. So you get to pick one word that you can say in response to the other person's pick to try to detract voters. One word.

And here's mine. Soggy. Eat quicker, bro. Flaccid. That's a whole you problem, my man. That is a whole you problem. All right. I'm talking about your cereal.

Oh. And you. Personal attacks. Get bodied. Oh, frightening episode this is. I have I've got the pick. I'm going to go with the tried the true.

The loved. The beloved. It's loved and beloved. Raisin bran. Lucky charms. Okay. Lucky charms. i could eat a thousand bowls in one sitting i could eat it in any way shape and form that is necessary i like the heart i like the stars like the horseshoes the blue moons i like it all Charms is my number one. One word retort. One word?

Yes. Yes. Let's hear it. Lucky Charms is my number one pick. Jason took Cinnamon Toast Crunch at number one. I'm going to need a hyphenate. Oh, great. Half good.

All right. I'll accept that. I'll accept not the principle. The principle is obvious. I mean, everyone, you eat around the marshmallows so that at the end you can finally have a good cereal. Let me ask you this. Do you prefer eating a Hershey bar by itself

or do you prefer to eat it with a graham cracker and marshmallow? Do you like the combination? Probably by itself, but I love the combination. The combination is wonderful. Because what you just said was a heresy in marshmallows. Do you like eating buttercream frosting all by itself in a big bowl, like a whole ton of it, or do you like eating it on a cake? It's a balance.

I like eating it on a cake because cake is delicious, but you're having marshmallows with garbage cereal. The other pieces in that cereal are stupid. Sawdust. Fair. We all know what you mean. All right, Mike. I really enjoyed that.

That's a great critique. Let's see what you go with with number one. I've got to go with my favorite cereal of all time. I do not consider myself a cereal expert, so I have a disadvantage of this draft. You tried to say you knew what you were talking about before. I've been to some people's houses to have cereal. I've had a few cereals.

Okay. But I'm no expert. But this is the best one. It's Fruit Loops. It's just the best. It stays. It does not sogify immediately like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Unlike the cereal that says Crunch in the name, it actually retains its crunch, a delightful

fruit flavor, and a delightful mascot. All right. One word critique. One word. I've got mine. Mine would just be boring. Really? I would go with-

Cool burn, bro. I would go with carcinogens. You just think it's- It's the most chemically tasting cereal in the world it just tastes like strong chemicals i know uh i thought it was a one word rebuttal sorry uh i did not elaborate on sawdust he elaborated for about 40 minutes on my lucky charm on how half of chemicals tastes like i have gone to the wood mill grabbed a piece of lumber and and throw it in the saw and then the sawdust that remains you had i form a cereal from it have you had lumber with marshmallows though exactly i am really good lucky charm it's delicious jason oh jason gets his pick and i really hope hope mine comes back to me. Of course it will.

I'm not taking grape nuts. All right. No, my number two, and this is a 1B. I mean, I feel like I got the first two picks in the draft without a doubt. It's the Reese's Puffs cereal. They are unbelievable. Just like Reese's Cups are the best of all candy. The Reese's Puffs cereal, they are coated in this magical powder that takes away Mike's one-word response to me.

Oh, my one-word response for... Mike just got it. My one-word response for you is mouth sores. I didn't say Cap'n Crunch, but okay. My one word response is delicious. Yeah, it really is. Oh, okay. All right.

I'm a fair critic. It is my pick, and it is Cocoa Pebbles. Yeah, that's good. Cocoa Pebbles is wonderful, delicious, chocolatey. It transforms your milk into a treat. And I could eat a whole box in one sitting. Because that's one of those cereals where when you take the bite, you swallow, you don't have to chew very much. There's no chewing needed.

You just keep eating. Yes. Hmm, okay. I got to figure out how to get this into one word. You went with Cocoa Pebbles? Cocoa Pebbles. Oh, I got my word. Easy.

Okay. Mush. I mean, it's just that's... Stop talking. Mush, mushy. You said mush. Let me talk. You can't shut me up. One, mushy. You said mush. Let me talk. You can't shut me up.

One more. Inferior. Oh. Inferior. Oh, I know what your next pick's going to be. Yeah, go on. Mike, you're up. Maybe.

Maybe. I haven't decided if that's what I want to take or not. I'm going to take Cookie Crisp. Oh, that's not fair. It's all cookies. I'm going to take Cookie Crisp. Cookie Crisp that's not fair. It's all cookies. I'm going to take cookie crisp. Cookie crisp.

It was like the Simpsons of my cereal youth. I was not allowed to be near it. I couldn't watch it, eat it. Because cookie crisp was the beginning of the end. For cereal? Cookie crisp is when parents... We don't give a crap anymore. When parents started to go, you know, I don't think this is breakfast. These are just cookies.

And you're eating a bowl full of cookies for your breakfast. It's got a lovely dog that says, Cookie Chris. What could be better? Not soon after that, the Oreo cereal started coming out. They started just pouring chocolate into the bowl. Have some chocolate milk with the chocolate cereal. Have some chocolate milk with the chocolate cereal. There is no cereal that as a kid or as any self-respecting adult would not care primarily about sugar content.

You want the highest sugar content imaginable. I mean, don't pretend. Like right now, you go through the cereal aisle, and it's like all this fake healthy stuff. Oh, whole grains nonsense all cereal is bad for you stop with the i'm pretending to be healthy just go look uh my one word response for you cookies this is good thank you um off limits yeah that's true. They are not, what is it, kicks? They are not mother-approved.

We have two shelves at my house. There is the regular cereal shelf, and then there is the shelf four shelves higher that is considered dessert cereal. We call it the weekend cereal. Yes, exactly the same thing. You put those a little lower on the weekend, and you sleep in, and you say,

kids, don't wake me up. Exactly. No, I got don't wake me up. Exactly. No, I got you there. All right. Are we going three or four? Whatever, man. We usually go four. All right, Jason.

I'm fine either way. You're up. Grape nuts still on the table if you want it. Man, tempting, but I lost my garbage can. So I'm going to go ahead and not take those because I have nowhere to put it. Instead, I'm going to go similar to Mike's route of just saying, don't care. Why would I want the sawdust with my marshmallows?

I just want all the good stuff. And I'm going, Captain Crunch, oops, all berries. I mean, when I saw this thing the first time, I fell in love. Because Captain Crunch is delicious but will destroy your mouth and your soul because of those little barrels that are like Legos. You could step on those things and they're killing you. The All Berries? It was a dream come true.

The All Berries is an acknowledgment by Captain Crunch that it's always been All Berries in nutritional value. There's no difference. They've always been bad, no matter how they're shaped. Where? The problem is with the Oops All Berries, they took all the good parts out of Captain Crunch. Oh, God. That's the stupidest food thing I've ever said.

Where is the- I stand by it. Of course you do. The berries suck. I got one word. I want to know where the oops all marshmallows Lucky Charms is because I would buy the heck out of that cereal. I would eat Lucky Charms as a kid, and I would intentionally go through the suffering of eating all the regular cereal

to eat six to seven spoonfuls of pure marshmallow at the end. So it was pretty good. Now I'm more balanced. Here's my one word for your Captain Crunch All Berries. Overrated. And my one word is betas. Yes. Yes.

The diabetes. That's not even the full word. He doesn't even need the full word. My half word is betas. All right. So, Mike, what are your two right now? Right now I have Fruit Loops and Cookie Crisp. I'm going to go ahead and go in with one of my favorites to this date.

It has withstood the test of time, and it is great. All right. Okay, all right. Frosted Flakes. I really genuinely thought you were going great. Great. Look, I'm not concerned with my regularity at the moment. Frosted flakes are wonderful.

They are cornflakes, although they taste great because they are covered in sugar from head to toe. There was a time in American history where I feel like people did not acknowledge the existence of sugar as a bad thing. You'd have all these sugar cereals, and then there'd be a bowl of sugar on the breakfast table and you would put more on scoops three scoops it was the only way raisin brand

was tolerable maybe that's why that got so popular i know so i know my response to this frosted flakes but i don't have any idea how to get it down into one word so i'm i'm thinking mike you'll have to take the lead is it the word best uh no yummy no is that a word yeah i you can't find a critique no no i've got i know what i want to say but i don't know how to say it in one word i'm just gonna you know what i you can't i'm i'm invoking the first amendment You cannot censor me. I will speak in more words. I've got mine. Okay. What's yours?

Imposter. Imposter. Interesting. Imposter. Now I want to know more. Because it's charading as a kid cereal, but it's a grown-up version. It's for adults. Or is it the kid version of a grown-up cereal?

One of those two, but I see the imposter. I do like cornflakes. I've got mine down into two words. That's it. Go for it. Washed clean. Because when you put the milk on, it all comes off. The milk is so sweet, which is great, but it all comes off of the flakes.

You couldn't figure out how to get your sugar to stick to your flakes. I believe you said earlier, eat faster, bro. It's the same philosophy of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you leave a room. How about this, Mike? Real quick poll for you since you didn't make the picks. You pour a cereal, Frosted Flakes or Cinnamon Toast Crunch five you have to leave for 10 minutes and come back and eat which of those cereals which would you rather eat cinnamon toast crunch yeah all right you didn't ask me

which one was soggier yeah fair enough mike you are up with your third pick i'm up with my third pick and jason has cinnamon toast crunch reese's peanut butter cups captain crunch all berries i've got lucky charms all berries cocoa pebbles frosted flakes mike you've got fruit loops cookie crisp oh are you gonna are you gonna get healthy here i mean some people may want a well-rounded breakfast yeah well i'm there's one that's a little i think a little bit healthier or is at least perceived that way. Cause I, Jason is 100% right. That all cereal is garbage.

I love the picture of the well-rounded breakfast of cereal. And it's always the bowl of cereals there, but then it's surrounded by like fruit bananas, a glass of orange juice, a glass of milk, maybe a yogurt. Yeah. Part of a balanced breakfast.

Take the middle, please give me that bowl. The phrase part of a balanced breakfast is the greatest marketing invention of all time. Yes. Because that counts for anything. Oh, yeah. You can have a Hershey bar can be part of a balanced breakfast. Jason or Mike, your pick.

All right. We all want to know what the secret to this cereal is because it's the big question. What is the secret to? Clearly, we that's it's the big question what is what is the secret to clearly we're talking about life my friends i am very disappointed yeah now does that give you the whole palette or do you just have original life no what like as you think you can get cinnamon life yes no no i got oops all berries i'm i'm also drafting toast crunch well they've got the French Toast Crunch, which is great. I'm taking Life Cereal.

It's the only cereal that's sort of sweet that I was able to get my parental units to agree on. I agree on it for my kids, and it's actually really, really good. I love Life Cereal. Now, do you prefer Cinnamon to Regular? Because I prefer Cinnamon to Regular. Oh, Cinnamon is so much better.

That's the only one. All the other variants, I'd rather have regular, but the cinnamon is the... I can not confirm nor deny. I don't have enough experience with cinnamon life. Well, look, you've got to live a little. Maybe in those last 30 days you've got, you have a few bowls of cereal. Jason, your final pick.

Don't steal mine, by the way. Well, look, I thought about stealing yours because, I will be honest, honey nut cheerios are pretty good they are they're they're legitimate but they're not healthy they're not good enough and while uh i do love a granola cereal so long as it doesn't have raisins in it and that we can pretend that's healthy. Also not my pick. I'm going to go with the milk. What? I want chocolate milk. You give me those Cocoa Puffs.

Okay. And I don't have to deal with the mush from Cocoa Krispies. Yeah, Cocoa Puffs is the exact reason why I refer to Cocoa Pebbles as inferior. Cocoa Puffs, my one word would be Mouth Sores Junior. That's three at least. And I will say Cuckoo.

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. So you've got Cocoa Puffs to round out your four. It was one of my finalists. Ah, that was probably the best one on your list. You ever met the Pebble Brothers? Because I'm going fruity! Pe pebbles ask me my one word go for it mush you got the mush brothers i do there's the smash brothers and the mush brothers i got the how do i put this into one word word. Pinnacle. Oh, because this is Andy's best pick. Oh, by far. All right. I was waiting for

disgusting or something. Lucky Charms, Cocoa Pebbles, Frosted Flakes, Fruity Pebbles. This is the only cereal on his list that I actually want to eat. It makes sense because you like Fruit Loops. So you're in the fruit family. I love it. I was going to take Fruity Pebbles for my last pick. so now I'm... Scrambling? Now I'm tilting. Let me give you some really delicious options here. We've got Special K.

I know what I've got to go with. We've got Kix. We've got Alphabits. Oh, Alphabits is Lucky Charms without marshmallows, by the way. Trash. I'm glad you agree that Lucky Charms without marshmallows is trash. Yes, I'm glad. Yes, my cereal without my cereal is bad.

About half. I said it's half good. Alphabets was garbage. Learn the alphabet and have no sugar. That's what that was called. There's two cereals I've got. They're very, very different, and I cannot decide because it's my last pick. I think I know what you're going with.

I don't know. i don't know i don't know so one because one of them is very similar to my life pick one of them is just an absolute childish cinnamon death childish pick but it was it was the best it was the second best cereal i'm gonna go with the oreo o's oh and, what did I just show you? Did you write down Oreo O's? I sure did. I wrote Mike's Oreo O's. I remember you talking about these. Now, did you write down my other cereal that I was going to go with? No.

I thought about going Golden Grahams. I thought about going Golden Grahams. They're fine. They're a classic. So you went Oreo O's. My one word to describe that? Contraband. Not coming within 100 feet of my house. Yes. I dreamed dreams of this cereal.

I mean, this was the parents. If the parents went out of town, this was what I was doing. If you have not had Oreo O's. And I have not. They brought them back, so you can actually experience them. Yeah, I believe they're still in grocery stores right now. But it's Oreos. Well, there's no change. It's just Oreos inside of milk.

Which we all know Oreos work very well with milk. So my one word would be wanted. Yes. I highly recommend it. They're very, very good. All right. Let's see. My team running it back.

Fruit Loops, Cookie Crisp, Life, and Oreo O good. All right. Let's see. My team running it back, Fruit Loops, Cookie Crisp, Life, and Oreo O's. All right. I have Lucky Charms, Cocoa Pebbles, Frosted Flakes, and Fruity Pebbles. My team is unbelievable. Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Reese's Puffs, Captain Crunch, oops, all berries, and Cocoa Puffs. How does the captain feel? We did a draft. 12 cereals were picked.

Yeah. The captain is... He's on here. His name is in here. But he's made a mistake. But his cereal is nowhere to be found. What did you guys learn today? I learned that you want Hitler in your house.

Ironic, because I learned today that I don't want Hitler in my house. You guys taught me a wise lesson. Yeah, and I can't remember what I learned. Mike, not really, if not much of anything. You learned that Arby's new slogan should be, stay for a while. We renovated the restrooms. Look, Omegle and Arby's. A match made in heaven.

Work it out. Work it out. We'll see you next time, spitwads. Hey, tell your friends. Bring them to the party. Goodbye. Say hi to your mother for me. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.