Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 171: Jason's Near Death Experience & Father Fashion Statements - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

Do NOT miss this episode! Jason tells a story of a real-life situation he found himself in this past weekend that was straight out of his worst nightmare. We also talk about animals that fight back, finishing other people’s sentences, and punching through paper. We close it down with a draft of the most “dad” clothing items.  Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Look, if you like this podcast and you want to support this podcast, check out jointhespit.com because you are going to get this show. You can get ad-free episodes. You get early access to episodes before anybody else because you are so exclusive and awesome and good-looking and attractive and smarter than everybody else, and you get to support this show. Check it out, jointhespit.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice,

explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. All I want to do is a zoom, zoom, and a boom, boom. Okay. All right. Welcome in.

Now I need a saxophone. I like that. I mean, it's good. It's not like it was missing a zoom, but it was good. It's true. You're, it's good. It felt like it was missing a zoom, but it was good. It's true. Oh, shoot.

You're right. Yeah, I missed it. It's not just a zoom. It's a zoom-a-zoom-zoom. Yeah, zoom-a-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom. I had only so much time and only so many beats to fit in my- Yeah, the beats were still a little bit- It's very restrictive.

Hey, it's a tough place to be with the scat. You think you could do it better? No, you only get one shot. Welcome in to the Spitballers. Al Borland is here. What's up, Spitwads? Oh! Oh, well,

someone was ready for their big introduction. Yeah, they they were figure was on the button i'm ready it's the judge here too hey oh all right all right well now we're in good hands uh would you rather situation room a fun draft on today's episode of the show you can check out the website spitballerspod.com learn how you can support the show. Keep it going. Big news. Big news. Huge announcement. Jason is still alive. Oh, yeah.

That's good. It's easy to be alive when you don't spend a lot of your weekend on the side of a highway. But I did spend a lot of my weekend. You did. I did. I had not one, but two. can I call them near-death experiences? You can definitely call them incidents. For you.

For me, right, because I don't usually get out of the house or do things that put any kind of danger in. But I'm driving up north, and here's the best part. I thought, you know what? I'm going to take my boys. It's night. I'm going up north to a cabin. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to take my boys. It's night. I'm going up north to a cabin. You know what? I'll take my dogs.

Oh, what a dog dad. Yeah. I got my dogs. I got my boys. We're going to go up, stay the night at a cabin. Let's set the scene. Can I color in the lines a little bit? Yeah, please.

Yeah, I think, Mike, we're thinking the same thing. People think of Arizona, it's this desertous landscape, right? You got the Valley of the Sun. Mostly accurate. All factual. But if you drive northward, maybe you've heard of the city Flagstaff, Arizona. There are pine trees and there are cabins and there's cool weather. There's hippies everywhere.

There's a mountain. Yeah, you go up a- A mountain. Well, there's mountains. You go up a mountain to get there. I mean, it's not treacherous, but it's an elevation. You go up to about a mile high. Yeah, take that, Denver.

And Jason's like, look. Wait, is it really that high? It really is. I've thought about that. Why don't we get credit for a mile high city? Wait, Denver's over here flexing? Yeah. Like, we got the mile high stadium.

Meanwhile, we're over here. We have the Death Valley-ish area. Not the real Death Valley, but a ridiculous valley. But just two hours to the north, you go up the mountain. Flagstaff's at 7,000 feet almost. And where's Denver? Where is Denver? Oh, Denver.

You better be 8. They better. You better be 8,000. Where is Denver? Oh, Denver. You better be eight. They better. You better be 8,000. 5,200. Oh, Denver. You lying. No, no, no, no. The reason why is because it's exactly 5,280.

It's exactly a mile high. It's not the fact that they're just really high. It's that they're exactly a mile high. Well, okay. Yeah. They were the first. Nice. That's good.

But yeah, I guess they're big on being exactly 5,280. But I do not care. If you are out here saying, we're the mile high city. We get higher in Flagstaff. You are insinuating that you are above. Oh, yeah. You are literally above everyone. You are literally elevated above other cities.

Meanwhile, you're just barely at a mile? We are unbelievable. We've got the fancy footballers. We are in the football world. You hear all the time, oh, they're going to have to practice for the elevation. Oh, the elevation. They're going to run out. They elevation oh the elevation they're gonna run out they can kick the ball farther you're not even that high arizona's got you beat denver unbelievable

this is not the story you were telling no but this is now the story this is the story nobody wants to talk about but we'll do it the mainstream media refuses to talk about how regularly high Denver is. Yeah. So anyways, I'm driving up. Jason's going up towards 7,000 feet. Yes, I'm going up to way higher than Mile High City. Which is clearly dangerous. And on the way, of course we decide to leave at night.

It's pitch black. What time did you leave? 8.30 at night. What? Problem number one. That is, it's bad decision making 101, but it still happened. And I'm thinking like, what's going to happen? I'm going to go up there.

I'm going to lay my boys to sleep. You know what I mean? Just that way we get the drive out of the way. That was the goal. Tomorrow we wake up and we get a full day. And of course, I get a flat tire. Oh, nightmare. Okay.

This is a two lane highway going up a mountain. There is not room for, you know, I'm not setting up a tent over here. This, I am. This ain't flat tire zone. No, you're not changing a tire. You're not changing a tire on the side of a mountain where you have nowhere to pull over. It's pitch black. I have no cell service.

I have no way. Well no it's probably because you're so elevated i'm way higher than the cell phones can go and so here i am ready to like i'm like what do i do what like i can't leave my boys i didn't bring leashes for my dogs because i'm an idiot i can't get the dogs out of the car. I'm on the side of this pitch black road, so I had to leave the car and go call, like go find cell service. But it's Arizona, so it's outside. It's a sweltering 90 plus degrees

because even at night still, it's still warm. It was freezing. So much wind. And I think it was like 40 degrees because we're so much higher than Denver and let me guess shorts and flippy flops shorts and flip-flops yes but I knew I was going to the cold so I brought a jacket with me now that jacket was on the passenger seat but if I walk back to the car I'm on hold for like 10-15 minutes trying to get service so if I walk

back to the car to get my jacket i lose the call so i have to be here you're starting over yeah so anyways that took all night all weekend we finally got back down to safety we get back up to the cabin we're driving home at night at night you didn't learn your lesson the first time well i mean we wanted to make the most of our cabin and we've got two cars my wife is in front of us and he's just shaking his head and he's so sad life choice i'm just so amazed because this doesn't feel real the second story is where it gets good i was about to say the first story sucks compared to the second story so i'm driving back down which is you know i was very high and um my wife's van was

right in front of me she had my daughter and i'm driving and all of a sudden i said her daughter as well right yes she had she had my daughter i had her boys. And I see her jerk the car to the side of the road like crazy. And I was like, whoa. So I pulled behind her. And then it was like there's 10,000 bees inside. My daughter goes out the right. My wife goes out the left. And they're like patting themselves.

So they pull off to the side of the road. Yes, they pull off to the side of the road. And they are going. There is clearly some sort of. Is this like, was that Tommy Boy? Or Black Sheep? It was Black Sheep. Whatever, same movie.

Same difference, but they. Same movie. But they're pulled over by an officer. There's bees everywhere. And to avoid getting a ticket, because you can't blame someone for doing that. Save yourself. That was great. that was a great moment so anyways it turns out it was a gigantic spider i'm not talking no run of the mill

unbelievable it was any other animal anything if there had been a thousand bees i could have come and done something to save it but here we are on the side of the highway. I can't do anything. I'm super arachnophobic. I'm looking at this monster. This just creature from the depths of hell. I want to know how big this thing really was. Has any of us actually seen it? Did you take pictures?

Oh, why would I do that? Then I don't believe that this thing was big. My wife couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. We were, I was so. It's a cricket. This whole thing's been a cricket. So I didn't realize your wife is also as bad as you.

I didn't realize that either, that she was that bad. But I was so mad at myself because here we are. Real quick, just for, if you're new, I mean, there's 200 shows. was so mad at myself because here we are real quick just for if you're new i mean there's 200 shows maybe not everybody knows jason is the biggest arachnophobia victim yes in the land like he's truly really yes watch if you spiders if you really want proof of it it's the fact that here we are on the side of the road with my family in a dangerous position and i couldn't do anything i was so embarrassed with myself i was so disappointed that i can't step up i was like telling myself it's just it's a bug i'm a 275 pound man there's a bug i can go get it and i couldn't do it we're like what do we do do we call the police do we leave it for

roadside assistance do we just burn the van and say we're a one-car family now I don't know but so what do we do we called Al Borland that's yeah that's that's a solution to a lot of problems which I don't I don't I mean he's the he's the bat phone for Jason. Really? Thank you. And man, Owl came. No, but hold on. Hold on. This is part of the story that I've not heard. Owl.

That phone call, in your words, in your experience, tell us that part of the story because that is missing. He was in full hysterics. I can confirm that jason was terrified and and so i asked him i said i was about 40 minutes away though and i said do you want me to you want me to come i just dropped my family off at a restaurant i'll i'll leave them here and i'll get to you but it'll take me 35 minutes if i'm flying and he goes i don't know what's gonna happen the spider will probably be gone by then. Don't worry about it. Click.

And just hangs up. He hung up on you? Yeah. Well, because if it's going to take him that long, if the spider crawls anywhere, we're just completely out of luck. What if the spider crawls down and we don't see where it goes? So with both of you being scared, who was the guard? Who made sure the spider did not move?

My wife was the eyes on the spider. Okay. So someone was tracking the spider. Jason was rappelling down the mountain. Yes, I had left my family. He hitchhiked to the random stranger. Was looking at the trees. Can I build a house here?

So eventually Jeremy calls back. We've done nothing. I called Tiffany. Yes. And this is after 10 minutes. you random stranger was looking at at the trees can i build a house here so eventually jeremy calls back we've done nothing i called tiffany yes and this is after 10 minutes oh you went you went over the top yeah because i was texting jason and he wasn't responding i was like i could tell this guy was in in need of help you called the boss yeah you went over management i said tell me tell me real do i need to get my car and come and she goes you need to get in my car and come? And she goes, you need to get in your car and come. So he does. He's flying down the freeway. Officers, he was not going 93 miles an hour. This was an emergency. He was, though.

And he's almost to us. This is 30 minutes later. Okay, let's color in the other part of the story. So at this point, our group chat, we have a group slack for our company all of a sudden this story just starts being talked about in in our company slack and i like i'm it's uh it's a sunday night i couldn't believe it was live and i'm just i'm in the bathroom you know like i'm on my phone it's like oh it's oh this is funny wait a minute this is this is a real this is a real actual live story that is breaking right now yeah and so we're getting

the details we're hearing from uh from from all sorts of different sources and everyone start everyone from the company starts chiming in about can't be about this cannot be a real thing that is happening. And Jason is just terrified. It was. I'm telling you guys, it was the size of my palm. It was the full palm. It was the biggest, nastiest, gnarliest spider I've seen outside of a tarantula in my life. So for context, if the spider is the size of your palm.

I'm telling you, legs go. Okay, but I'm saying if you were to slap the spider with your palm, that would mean that the spider would die. Is that correct? Or the shoe. That would mean I would die. But so anyways, to wrap this up here. Yeah.

Okay, so Al was on his way. My family's sitting at a restaurant by themselves with no, so Al was on his way. My family's sitting at a restaurant by themselves with no people. He's abandoned his family. And he's about eight minutes away. I'm on the phone with him. How did your wife feel about this? What did she have to say when you said? She knows Jason.

She goes, you got to go. Yeah. She knew I was in need. Cheers to that. While he's almost there, a truck pulls up behind our two cars. And you hadn't called anybody else. Oh, no, I hadn't called anybody. And because there's two cars there, everybody assumes someone's already stopped for help.

But no, now the Good Samaritan shows up. And as soon as they show up, my initial thought was, oh, no. Now I have to tell somebody. I to tell somebody that the reason we're stuck on the side of the road this guy comes up he's like did you get a flat tire like no it's a spider and and this this man uh was a man and he got out of his large truck and he went over there and he grabbed this spider with his hand. And took it out of the car. And I proceeded to give him all the money I had on me and said thank you.

And then Jeremy just had to drive back 40 minutes to his family. You did nothing Jeremy. No hero for you. I was so angry with that man. That was my kill. I had dibs. Unbelievable. And I'm alive and I'm'm here and it's all in one weekend also uh psa because maybe it's been a while since i've said this uh should you uh follow me on

social media and you're like oh look at this funny spider picture or story or whatever yo get blocked um are you gonna start bringing bringing bug spray in your car? True story. We talked about how do we avoid this in the future. Tell me if this is a good idea or a bad idea. Oh, no. I thought to myself, when we park up at the cabin, can I get bug spray and spray it around the car? Like a salt circle.

That will not help you. No? No. So I got to spray the inside of the car. You do. Or close the windows. It wasn't just open for the taking. Oh, my gosh. So, anyways, I survived.

That was quite the introduction. I mean, it was just unbelievable because you couldn't have written a script. Like, anybody else, that story's insane. Okay, I got to go back. Except for insane. Okay, I got to go back. Except for you hate spiders. I got to go back. Man pulls up to your, because you kind of just sped this conversation up. He says, do you have a flat tire?

Yeah, how did you exactly? And you say, well, no, there's actually, there's a really big spider, and we have a problem spiders and the man says to that comment what i i believe we set him up by first of all i said there's a spider it's really big and i'm an arachnophobic so we just can't do anything about it and then and then i think my wife asked him are are you afraid of spiders? To which he then said, spiders? No, I'm not afraid of spiders.

And so I was like, heck yeah, you're up. You're up. You're up. And he just, I mean, this. Shout out to John Stone. John Stone. That's right. I got his name.

Did you ask what he's actually afraid of? Nothing. This man is afraid of, he's not afraid of death um and to be clear he grabbed it with his bare hand yes he just went in and knocked it out with his bare hand with his man hand my hands are so they're too soft spiders will eat right through these hands they're too moisturized all right let's let's uh start the show now with some Would You Rather. Hey, Spitwads. If you are listening, maybe you're watching this right now, and you're probably wondering, I mean, I know a lot of people wonder, how do I look this good all the time? I have wondered that every day of my life.

Yes. And if you were here, you'd be wondering why I smell this good all the time. I've wondered that every day of my life. You. And if you were here, you'd be wondering why I smell this good all the time. I've wondered that every day of my life. You've wondered sitting so close to me? You smell so good. The answer, of course,

is Hawthorne. They're grooming products. They're my answer. When I want to look good, feel good, smell good. And look, it's sophisticated. You guys,

we've all been through the questionnaire. I'm a grown-up. They use data from hundreds of thousands of customers to recommend perfect products for your body chemistry and skin type and hair type and lifestyle. So lean on Hawthorne to upgrade everything, your body wash, shampoo, deodorant game.

Make sure you're ready for anything or anyone that comes your way. By taking Hawthorne's quiz today. Go to hawthorne.co and use the promo code spitballers to get 10% off your first purchase. That's H-A-W-T-H-O-R-N-E dot C-O. Promo code spitballers, hawthorne.co, promo code spitballers. Would you rather? Wriggles from Patreon says, would you rather be stung by a bee daily, sprayed by a skunk weekly,

or quilled by a porcupine monthly? Ooh. Oh my, I have- I've porcupine monthly. Ooh. Oh, my. I have. I've never done any of these three. Have you? Oh, I was going to say, me and you are the two people on earth that have never been stung by a bee. Yeah.

Make it three. Really? You have never been stung? I have never been stung by a bee. It's one of my proudest accomplishments. My son was stung at your house a little while back. He was stung the other day in the yard. He's been stung like four times.

Now, the way that Jason feels about spiders. That's how you feel about bees? Most of my life. I've really tried to look inside myself and not be a little baby boy in front of bees in front of my children. So that they don't pass it on. Which Jason has completely passed on. Oh, yeah, my whole family. I don't keep the cycle going.

I have gotten better. I do not like them, but I've made some strides when it comes to bees. I've moved to a place where I'm good with them. Because I feel like... So you can just do a, oh, here's a bee. I'm chill around them. Because I feel like if you're chill around bees, I've seen these beekeepers. Oh, it's true. The beekeepers just, they

walk up to a hive. I've got a friend who moved to the Midwest, became a beekeeper. He's always posting Instagram videos. He never puts protective gear on. He goes in and takes these hives out of places. That's crazy. Is his name John Stone?

Yeah, no, like this is the... Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm serious. You have a friend. Yeah. They moved. Did they move with intentions of being... None at all.

Okay, so they get to said location. Yes. And, okay. They found a new passion. Did they move for work? Yeah, I believe so, yeah. So they moved for a different job. Yeah.

And somewhere along the way, they said, you know what we need to do? Be beekeepers. Yes. That is fascinating. And he sells honey and all that stuff. That is fascinating. Yeah. So he started his own business.

Where do you get the bees? Well, no. The bees come to you. You just get flowers, and you're good to go, man. People call you all the time because they have bees that come to you you just get flowers and you're good to go call you all the time because they have bees that get stuck in their house or their trees and you they get the bees it's like free bees except you probably get paid for it you do get paid for it you get paid to get your workers yes what you get paid to get free bees i've never been have you been stung now i have yes yeah were allergic? No. Does it hurt a lot?

On a scale of one to ten? Four. And does it last? Three. Does it last? I'll go three. Okay, three. It lasts for a few minutes.

My son had a big welt for the next two days. Oh, yeah. That's like an allergy. So I'm curious. Like the one that's- I'm convinced I would die. Oh, for sure you would. There's a full my girl situation.

Yeah, I'm not afraid. It's so funny because bees actually hurt people commonly. Most spiders don't hurt people at all. Right. Bees are flying weapons, and you cannot figure out where they are going to go because they don't know where they're going to go. See, the comforting thing is when a bee stings you, it commits suicide. Right.

So, to me, it's like it's making a real- That didn't stop the planes in World War II, man. No, goodness gracious. They knew what they were doing. Somebody check that man's cup over there. Good, good. How do I pull back from that? Well, I had a question regarding this question, which is why I would assume that the worst one here is the skunk.

No. It's not painful. It just smells. But you can't just wipe it off. What? A tomato bath? You never heard that? I think that's true.

That's not a thing. That is 100% a thing. If you get sprayed by a skunk, you have to fill a tub with tomato sauce. It's something about the acids or something. That's so much tomato sauce. I know. It's a very a thing. If you get sprayed by a skunk, you're supposed to, you have to fill a tub with tomato sauce. It's something about the acids or something. That's so much tomato sauce. I know, it's a very expensive thing. I mean, you'd have to have a whole tomato farm.

Oh, it's a myth? Oh, no, that's not a myth. That's real. Oh, a bunch of people did it for no reason? That's real. Do you know how much they spent on tomato sauce? It's Big Tomato Juice that did this. Big Tomato? Jesus, those Big Tomato people. They got us again. Big Tomato was like living in a, they were born in an era where skunks were running wild.

And no one actually likes tomato juice. All you have to do is take a regular bath and you're fine. Well, no, because. But they're like, no, make it tomato sauce. I'm pretty sure that a regular bath doesn't actually remove the smell, but I'll bet you you take a tomato bath and you don't smell the skunk anymore. You only can smell, oh, is that tomato? Don't take this the wrong way, but you should take a bath in tomato sauce.

So this begs the question, work or pain? Because if you get skunked, you've got a long period of time to clean off once a week. If you get stung by a bee, it's probably just a little bit of pain. Now, the quill is out. I'm not getting quilled by a porcupine once a month. Yeah, but that's work and pain to get the quills out. That was my question, is how does a – do porcupine quills have any... Oh, Barb City.

Do they have any venom or anything? No. I think it's just a point. Yeah, but they got barbs that are stuck in you. I'm not downplaying that that would really, really suck, but if it's only once a month and you got to pluck it out... Porcupine quills can be very painful and introduce serious infection if not dealt with quickly and effectively. Grab the quill firmly near the tip and pull straight out quickly and steadily.

This will minimize the risk of breaking off the tip. That means there is a risk of that barb staying in me. And then you get infected. No, porcupine's out. Porcupine is out. I'm going to do the bee sting. I'm going to pretend like this is... Is that daily, though?

Yeah. Son of a gun. That's every single morning you get out of bed and you step on a bee. Well, I was thinking like, you know, I grew up, I got allergy shots once a week. Okay, you deal with a little bit of pain. It puts a needle in you once a week,

but daily? I'm taking this gunk. I'm going with the daily pain. I'm going to go with the quick ouch and get over it. I probably hit my toe. I could get a shot every day. I get, you know, I stub my toe every day. So this is just twice.

You stub your toe every day? Well, maybe not every day. But I get hurt on, you know hurt probably more often than I should. You should. Okay. Final answer, Mike? I think I'm taking the quills. I'll risk it.

Oh, you psychopath. I'll risk it. How in the world would you take quills? How many? Do you know how many quills? Just one. Just one. No, it ain't no one.

Quill? No, it's quills. Oh. It's a porcupine. They don't just shoot one at you like a sniper porcupine. So is it random? It's got to be 50 quills. No, it's quills. Oh. It's a porcupine. They don't just shoot one at you like a sniper porcupine. So is it random? It's got to be 50 quills. No, it's not.

Get out of here. No one ever gets 50 quills. That would be the suicide of the porcupine. The porcupine's gone now. The porcupine launches its entire pelt at you? Yeah. He's literally stuck to you. He's asking, could you please remove me if it wouldn't

be too much trouble sir it would not be abnormal at all to get 50 quills in you from what porcupines have guests that get this 30 000 quills on them what yeah oh my you're gonna change your opinion mike 50 50 i've seen i've seen the video of the lion trying to eat the porcupine and getting quilled. That's a cartoon. No, this was real. This was real life. Your final answer, you're getting 50 quills, brother. It was not 50.

30,000. If you keep this like under 10. Oh, these pictures I'm seeing. No. No. No. All right. Okay, then I guess I'm taking the B.

All right. Eli from Patreon says, would you rather get 126 US dollars daily or the ability to see eight minutes into the future with the caveat that knowledge obtained in the future cannot be used for financial gain? So it's just a party trick? Did you just make up this $126?

Eli did. I guess Eli did, huh? Eli's coming. What can you use eight minutes into the future without the financial gain part? I don't know. Does that make you invincible? Yeah, a little bit, right? Any harm that can come.

Imagine a fight. Well, a fight, yeah, but I just mean even like a car wreck, right? You'd be able to avoid a car wreck. Yes, you would. Eight minutes, for sure. Now, you wouldn't be able to avoid some forms of harm sure that being said like total disasters or germs you couldn't see germs eight minutes into the we might uh you know we might be going a little too far here but i believe that if you were to see eight minutes into the future you are seeing whatever

happens regardless of what you do you're not changing it you're seeing what happened and then the reason the car accident happened is because you tried to avoid it you made the u-turn wow yeah does it reset every second i think i think you're but i need al to defend it when he said you can't use it for financial gain i assumed you could use it for other things there has to be some gain, right? Yeah. Otherwise, it's just seeing stuff. But what gain?

All I could think of is money. All right. I'm very greedy. We just got this superpower, right? We can see eight minutes into the future. Some people unsubscribe from the podcast. What if I help my friends get money? Oh, my God. No financial gain. What if I help my friends get money?

Oh, my God. No financial gain. No financial gain. I can't see a good use of this. Because every time you think of it, you're like, oh, I know what happens in the sports game, and then I'll bet it. I mean, really, what you're doing is you're saying, I know what's going to happen in the sports game, and watch how smart I am. You're going to tell your friends. Oh, it's a pride thing. I'll bet they do this play.

I mean, I'd be a great TV broadcaster. Tony Romo gets credit for calling a couple plays. I'd be a genius. Got a question here. I'm sure you do. Your ability to see the future. Okay. Is this like you're watching a screen?

In your mind's eye? You're watching a screen, but your mind's eye? You're watching a... Essentially, you're watching a screen, but it's your perspective. So you see things moving on at eight minutes. Do you feel? I don't know. Or is it just you... Or it's almost like you're sitting on a couch

watching this, and then at any time, you can sit down and watch eight minutes. I think that's all it is. You're just... You see it happen. If you want to look into the future, you just see it like you're watching Netflix. Would this help you from overeating?

Because you know how you'd feel eight minutes from now? But you're like, oh, that looks good. That looks really good. But you're like your real life would pause and you're just watching? You would instantly know just in the blink of an eye, you could see what's going to happen in eight minutes. I guess, Mike, you're probably taking the financial gain that's built into the 126 dollars a day it's not bad 30 grand i'll take that i'll take 30 grand for free okay i'll take the money i'm

short-sighted it feels like a parlor trick if you can't get money from seeing in the future but then again if you're telling me someone came up to me and said hey it's gonna cost you thirty thousand dollars oh yeah for this power and i will let you anytime you want to see into the future eight minutes you'll be able to i don't know how i don't thirty thousand a year oh okay yeah say but what if they broke it down and they said for only 126 dollars a day yeah give me the money all right it's it's funny because eight minutes into the future is not that much. No, you're not gaining some incredible insight upon humanity. A day into the future, maybe.

But, I mean, you are absolutely right. Of, like, those snap, like, quick disasters that happen, you would be able to avoid all of them. A hundred percent. That's not terrible. As long as you didn't have to, like, if you always were aware of eight minutes into the future. Or if you just saw it, you're like, oh, no.

That's what Jason was saying. Oh, no. If you can't change it, you know eight minutes before. Isn't that the whole thing with the sun? Don't they say like the light you see from the sun is what? Like a certain amount of minutes? Six minutes or something. It takes that much time to get here at the speed of light.

So I, of course, once I heard that, I grew up thinking the sun could have exploded and you wouldn't find out. For another six minutes. Eight and a half minutes old. Oh, it's eight and a half. Okay. Does that mean if the sun exploded, though,

that would actually be true? You're asking the wrong guy. I don't know. Nothing can go faster than the speed of light, right? The answer is yes. So that means even the effects of an exploding sun, if you blew it up now, you're not feeling those effects go faster than the speed of light, right? The answer is yes. So that means even the effects of an exploding sun, if you blew it up now, you're not feeling those effects any faster than the speed of light.

Our light would not turn off for eight minutes. But then would that be the same moment we would get the aftershock of the sun? Yeah. Like if it was a super bomb? Yeah, either the sun engulfs the planet or we freeze because you would freeze almost instantly. It would be just like being in space.

Interesting. All right. Should we move on or do we have time for another Would You Rather there? Let's do one more. Poop soup. Poop soup from the website. Well, you know what? I can't really judge any listener of this show for a poop-related name.

I can't really judge any listener of this show for a poop related name. Would you rather have to always try to nonchalantly finish other people's sentences when they are halfway through them? Or nonchalantly. I see what you did there. Nice. Or nonchalantly mimic their actions while they are talking to you. Their hand movements. Oh, that.

Facial expressions, posture, etc. These are both terrible. Oh, man. expressions posture etc these are both terrible oh man my wife does the repeating you thing but she'll do it so far beyond what is acceptable you know it's like once you're you're really upset and you're like okay stop okay stop and then you just keep going forever until i am broken she breaks me and then i laugh and i find it funny and then that's once you start laughing yes it's done um these are these are these are terrible options yeah i i think i will take the nonchalantly trying to finish other people's sentences it feels like more of a game right like you're trying to it feels like it feels like, you know, some fun, like some sort of engaging challenge for you to.

Isn't that an improv thing? Yeah, there are some improv games like that are kind of like finishing someone's sentences. It's one of the hardest things to do. Yeah yeah i would say that i'm afraid of spiders right exactly because when i oh come on i'm not trying to finish i'm trying to talk i've been trying to train myself not to cut you off i can't get back into that habit um i being repeated is so much worse oh that feels of all the of all the shows and people we've done thousands together together yeah let's move on all right we're just moving moving forward spit wads cryptocurrency it might feel like some secret or exclusive club but coinbase secrets but coinbase believes that everyone everywhere should be able to get in the door whether you've

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of times people want to you you know you you talk about uh a puddle and then a pond and then uh uh well you go small to big right small the bigger big to small but here you're saying an inn is smaller than a motel i'm saying a motel is worse than a hotel of Of course. But I think that, to me, the difference between a hotel and a motel has always been it's all inside. If you go to the lobby and they say, Mr. Wright, your room is this way, and I stay inside. Oh, my gosh. I'm at a hotel. You're at a hotel, then. You're at a motel if you have to walk outside the door.

I go outside, and I have to walk outside, and then I go into my room. You're at a motel if you have to walk outside the door. If I leave the lobby and go outside and I have to walk outside and then I go into my room, I'm at a motel. So I think you're partially right, but the actual differentiator, which I think you're interpreting as going outside, is do you feel unsafe? It's just are you terrified? That's a motel. So if you go to a hotel, that's fun. If you go to a motel, you don't want to be there, and you shouldn't be, and there's 50-50 chance you're mugged or robbed. And the inn is just something they call a motel to make you think that you don't need to be afraid.

Yeah, an inn is quaint and small, right? Yeah, on purpose, though. Well, but you feel safe at an inn, don't you? Because it's usually someone's house. Is a bed and breakfast an inn? Yes, that's how I feel. No, it's not. You don't think a bed and breakfast is an inn?

No. Is it a motel? A motel is something. You have to be able to see it from the local highway. You have to be able to physically see the light from the highway. That's for sure. Hotels can be located anywhere. It's the light.

You don't actually see the building because it's not tall enough. Correct. They're always really flat, U-shaped. You park right in front of your door. That's the way a motel is. And an inn is- I don't know what an inn is. Well, an inn is really tiny.

I think bed and breakfast doesn't- What we know is that there's never any room. What about Holiday Inn? There's never any room. Is Holiday Inn a motel or an inn? I think it's a hotel. I think it's a hotel. It's a hotel?

Yeah, Holiday Inn is not an inn. They are, might as well call them Denver. They're such liars. They are just a hotel. What about Holiday Inn Express? Now that's a motel. Yeah, for sure. I do not feel safe.

Now, do they call it an inn because motels, you're out? And they wanted to counter-effect that? I've always heard there's never room in the inn. There's never room at the inn. Because they're so small. Whatever you want in the inn, you're out. There was no room. No room in the inn.

That's a story I've always heard. Yeah. But there's plenty of room at the hotel. They've just gone to the hotel. And the motel always, always has room because no one's there it is you know what i mean it's vacant there might be a worker and a motel always has the sign out front where it's it's the two different lights there's no and vacancy and then they light up the no when they want to pretend that it's all full but it's really not and a motel will never give you ice in the

room you have to go get it and that's your best chance of getting mugged. Wait, hotel? It's on the way to get the ice. They bring you ice at your hotels? Oh yeah, we stay at my hotel. Well, you have to go get it though. That's true. You do go get it

but you don't have to go outside. You don't have to get mugged to get it. Right. Well, no. Because you're in a hallway. Right. You're not outside. Yeah, you only

or muggings only happen outside. That's actually something else you should learn um if you're indoors it's illegal to mug somebody inside that's right or outside well either one is illegal but if you look like a good mark that had a lot of money but i respect the rules of the roof yeah if if if you're mugged indoors you you just got in a fight that's all it is you didn't oh is that the difference yeah you can't go to the police to say i was mugged because they go well where were you and you'd be like well i was in the hallway in my like you didn't get mugged you got in a fight bro that's that's what that's just

true we don't know what the inn is though the inn is wherever there's no room what's it what's an inn you can't stay oh nobody says that nobody has ever stated an inn it's just the innkeeper that's right because it's just a house. It's just a money laundering business. Okay. All right. Sores from Patreon. Ouch.

Sores? Ouch. Thank you for your support. I have a reusable water bottle. Oh, brag much? Jeez. That I refill and carry around daily. The only thing that goes in it is water.

How often do I need to clean it? This is a great question. This is a great question. How dirty is your mouth? Because every time you put water in it, you're cleaning it. Right. No, but every time you drink from it, you're backwashing. But then I put new water in it, and I've just cleaned it.

Right. But you're drinking the water you're cleaning it with. But you're never going to clean it while it's half full. You're not going to. Oh, that's dirty. Right. You would never like put some soap in a half full and then drink because then you'd be drinking soap.

So it is always 100% of the time clean. False. I'm confused. How is it? Wait, what? You actually, you do clean. You should clean the outside, though. I think that this reusable-

The outside? The outside. You could have put it down on the ground. It's got dirty. Who cares about the outside? It's the only part where your tongue goes. Yes. I don't just take my water bottle and lick, lick.

No, I'm just saying because- The mouthpiece is the biggest concern here. But it's always cleaned by the water. When you drink- Not the outside part of the mouthpiece But it's always cleaned by the water. When you drink. Not the outside part of the mouthpiece. That's not cleaned by your mouth. That's the part you got to worry about is the outside of the mouthpiece. Everything inside is questionable.

But real talk. Like if you have the one where it's got the flippy straw. Yeah. And it comes up and it's the plastic. Oh, yeah. You got to bite it. Eventually, if you look at that straw. Not good.

At the bottom of it, a black mass is starting to grow. You never look at the straws. Never. So then it stays clean? Yes. Because as long as you don't look at it. If you don't know, you are fine. If you look at straws that you have used, like reusable straws.

Oh, never do that. Gives the bacteria power. It is a bad, bad idea. You're going to see how nasty it is. Now, Judge Giamatti said just a smell test. I mean, that's not a bad idea. Yeah, but I think that most things- It just smells like water.

Most things that are- Think about a glass you would use at home. It would never smell bad. I drank water out of a glass, and then a smell test? Yeah, it's always going to smell bad. In a pond. It's not true. A water bottle, it has a smell that forms after enough uses.

A pond doesn't always smell, but you know there's tapeworm in there. Pond by other- Can I get tapeworm from a pond? Yes, you can. I have wanted to know where I can get tapeworm for so long. Oh, no. Because, man, the dream is alive. You can eat anything you want.

This is your weight loss plan? You're going to eat one on purpose? Oh, baby. I can go to McDonald's all the time, and I'm just feeding my worm. Excuse me, eating for two. Yeah, could I park in the expectant mother's spots? Could I say, like, oh, there is a plus one in here. Don't believe me?

Watch me eat. No, a tapeworm diet plan has always been my fallback option. Somebody's going to give him a gummy worm and he's going to eat like crazy after he... Oh, gosh. A tapeworm has always been your fallback. My fallback diet plan. I assume someday I'll have to find one, but I didn't know I could find them at my local pond. Yeah, okay.

Just drink the pond water, brother. Look, I I mean it might come with some other different viruses smell the pond first probably help with weight loss too though oh yeah yeah water weight eventually you weigh nothing oh man all right uh by the way like is water more is it more dangerous to leave a cup of water out that is full or a cup of water out that is empty but with just a little water at the bottom? Because I always think that that one's more dangerous. Oh, it does feel dirtier. Why does it feel worse? No.

Wait, with just a little bit of water in it? Yeah. That's not worse. Because that's backwash. No, but the little bit means that stuff's going to grow on it. Whatever grows is not diluted by the entire cup. You don't grow mold in the middle of the water. backwash no but the like little bit means that like you're saying stuff's gonna grow on it yeah whatever grows is not diluted by like you don't grow mold in the middle of the water you only grow it on the areas where like mold doesn't grow on water i know but it will eventually grow on

bacteria grows where it's moist sure i mean literally walls filled with moist water grow molds. Yeah, but that's growing on the wall. And mosquitoes. They grow mosquitoes? Moist areas. Alright. I think we did it. We figured it out. Alec from Patreon. How many pieces of paper do you think you could punch through at the same time? What an awesome question. Now I'm really curious.

So these are secured on the edges so you can 100% just keep trying to punch. Not a lot. Not a lot. Have you heard the- It's not 500. The explanation, and I'm going to need Al. I need someone to back me up on this because it's insane.

But there's something about if you fold a paper a certain amount of times, it becomes the thickness of the universe. didn't we do that in a liar liar was that something we did yeah probably a lie we've talked about so much crap man i don't know yeah but that's a thing it is a thing yeah i've heard that um so can you punch through the universe no not yet i'm working on it um i couldn't so i'm gonna start with what i know which is a ream of paper, 500 pages. I could not punch through a ream of paper. Okay.

Could you tear a phone book in half? With like some massive shears, sure. No, I could not tear a phone book in half. Although there's tricks to that, right? Like you spread the pages and you're not actually tearing it all up. I don't know. I've seen strong men do it. I i could punch through a hundred pieces of paper okay how thick is a hundred pieces no way it's a fifth of a way you don't think so no way yeah i could definitely

punch through a hundred no you couldn't how i don't think you can punch through yeah how low is that number what do you what do you think can you get through 20 20 is about where't think you can punch through. How low is that number? What do you think? Can he get through 20? 20 is about where I think you could get through. You don't think I could get through 50 sheets of paper? No. No. Wait, you don't either? No, I'm looking at you right now.

50 sheets of paper, no problem. Yes, problem. I'd put $100 down. I could punch through 50 sheets of paper. 50 sheets? I don't think so. I'll take the bet. Oh. Which side? Not your side. Oh, problem. I'd put $100 down. I could punch through 50 sheets of paper. 50 sheets? I don't think so. I'll take the bet. Oh! Which side?

Not your side. Oh, no! Here's the thing. Oh, no. Is there anything that we have that could hold the paper securely enough to let him try to punch through it? I can make something. I want...

Here's what I want. I want him to hold the paper up. What, in front of his face? Right in front of his face. And I'll show you how I can rip through that paper. I don't know if you could do 20. Oh, in front of his face? Right in front of his face. And I'll show you how I can rip through that paper. I don't know if you could do 20. Oh, man! What about two? You think I could do two sheets

of paper? Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. Not if there was a picture of a spider on him. Oh, man. That might be how I get through. Because we know that you're about to hit a spider. Yes. I just want to know this spider. I've heard the story three times now.

The spider's gotten bigger every time. It's like one of those fisherman stories. I want to know how big this spider really was. He's over here talking big game like, if you put a spider on it, that's when I could really punch through the paper. Meanwhile, he's in a situation to save his family on the side of the road. From a boot rig rolling over on him. One of these things is a photograph that, yeah, I probably couldn't punch that paper.

Hold on a second. Let's put you back in that situation. Please don't. You're on the side of the road with your family. Johnstone doesn't roll up. It's 40 degrees out. Bat phone over there doesn't answer. You got no cell coverage.

Yeah, how long does this go is that a thing where once you recognize the gravity you would do it no of course not we actually had one alternative plan you were going to leave the van you were going to all get the other car no you can't leave the van because then you don't know where the spider is. You're 100% right. We would have. We would not have left the van. Okay. We would have said that it broke down and got it towed. Oh.

We would have had the van towed somewhere. Okay. But then you. You would have paid. But then how long does. You realize that if it gets towed. Right. The spider could still just be in there somewhere.

45 days later we will um clear the van out how long can a spider live in a car oh you'd sell the van and we would sell the van that spider was going to cost you all the tow money yep all the all the cost of trading it in i want now spider almost ruined your life now i'm pict picturing Jason at home, and he orders a bug guy for a full fumigation, and they show up with the tent for the house. I'm like, okay, is this the place? Nope, that right there. And you just point to your car.

Put the tent up, take it down. Oh, man. Yeah, no, I did have that thought. Sir, this is going to cost $3,000. Just make it happen. It's worth it. Do you see the size of this spider? Yeah, I mean, I have been Googling for used cars.

We're looking at trading this van. You know that logically the spider's gone. It hasn't done anything to you. John Stone could be Denver as well. He could be a liar. He said he knocked it out, and he's like, oh, wait, it's down there. And then he hit it. So did you kill it?

I didn't kill it, but I knocked it out. We're like, are you sure? You saw it knocked out? And he's like, I guarantee it. And it felt a little too confident. It was like, why are you needing us to be this sure that it was out? It's funny that neither of you watched him get rid of the spider. We tried.

Oh, man. We need to draft. The Spitballers draft. All right. We are drafting the best dad clothing items. As in like the most dad. These are staples, right? Like you're building some dad wardrobe here.

Only a dad's wearing that. And only a dad is wearing it. And so, Mike, you have the very first pick. It's unfortunate to be first in this draft. Is it? It is. There's kind of a one-on-one. I've got a one-on-one as well. Oh, I have like eight one-on-ones

over here, fellas. Alright. But we're gonna kick... Oh, man. We should also say, considering we are kind of middle-aged dads, we should say which of these we find acceptable. Okay. Or that we've acquiesced to as

we come along to them. I'm sure all of them are in your wardrobe. So, man, I'm trying to analyze the draft here. What could possibly make it back that I just have to have for my most dad? Everybody can close their eyes and see a dad. Oh, yeah, and you know exactly what we're talking about. So we'll go right to the source. It starts on the feet. It starts on the ground.

It's those white New Balance shoes, my friend. That's the clear one. I don't understand what happens to dads when they're just like, foot fashion? Don't care. Give me some white New Balance shoes. I have a little insight to that. I know what it is.

Okay. Because my father bought the same pair of real close to white New Balance shoes. I have a little insight to that. I know what it is. Okay. Because my father bought the same pair of real close to white New Balance. They were gray New Balance for about 20-some years, the same pair. And that's what it is. They found the pair that feels good. And I think it's really a testament to New Balance. The New Balance- Perhaps it is.

It's like the dads put them on and they're like, oh baby, I can walk in these. And then they never want to change the pair that fits. My dad was a Reebok dad. Okay, white? Yep. Oh yeah. Why are dad shoes always white? Why are they always...

They like that clean white look. Oh, the white New Balance. And the white shoes always look bigger. Oh, the white New Balance. And the white shoes always look bigger. Oh, well, the New Balance ones are chunky. You're just wearing gigantic marshmallows on your feet. Yep. My one-on-one on the list was white New Balance Velcro. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. All right. Well, that's a good pick. That's a shame. I'm going to go. Hmm. There's a number of directions. I've got so a good pick. That's a shame. I'm going to go. Hmm. There's a number of directions.

I've got so many good ones. I'm going to go with pleated khakis. Oh, yeah, baby. Must have the pleats. Yeah. Oh, the pleated pants. For sure. What's the definition of a pleat?

Oh, the pleat is when you're wearing a khaki or a dress pants. The fold line? It's when you have those cinches, those fold lines across the front. Oh, yeah. There was a time. I get it. Ladies and gentlemen, we are fathers. We're not just taking shots at dads right now.

There was a time when that was in. That was fine. That was socially acceptable. It was preferred that we needed to have the pleats in our pants. That time was gone like 25 years ago. It was a acceptable. It was preferred that we needed to have the pleats in our pants. That time was gone like 25 years ago. It was a short window. It was a very short window. But then they stuck around.

But it was only a short window when it was actually cool. Have you ever seen these time capsule dads, though? So we go to these sporting events with my son, flag football games. There's tons of dads everywhere. And every once in a while, you find the time capsule dad. They're not wearing the dad stuff. They're the ones wearing what they wore in high school. Same high school spiked haircuts, same big wide jeans, same oversized T-shirts.

They just never stopped doing the routine from high school. I get it like if you're like hey Mike what new music are you listening to well I got some stuff from the late 90s that I think you might like the older you get the more you want to just do something you're locked in man you're locked in

alright my pick I have two of them well good I actually thought the 101 was this pick that I'm going to make. It's also on the feet. But I'm going with the socks and sandals. Yep. Shoes and socks. Socks and sandals look is, I don't know at what point.

Now, that is full. I don't care. Yes. That's full. Yes, it is. Like, I'm not taking the socks off to put the sandals on. And I'm not making a sandal choice based on aesthetics because I'm wearing socks. So the socks and sandals are going to be my first pick.

That's tremendous. Now, I have an item. Are these all forward-facing? Forward-facing. I don't know what you're doing. You know what? Never mind. I'm going to pivot.

I'm going to go to the cell phone holster. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the one I thought would come back. Oh, the phone clip for sure. I'm going to the cell phone holster phone clip. My father is a phone clipper. He still does it.

It's terrible. It's so embarrassing. My dads are on blast today. Oh, yeah. Why don't you look down right now and see if you've got a phone clip to your pleated khakis and you can know that this is a problem. This is about you. That we're here to help with.

We're here to- Yes. We're here to- Yes, we are. On one hand, you have some of the top picks in a draft from spitballing. Right. Congratulations. You're very dad.

Yes. I thought that would easily make it back. Yeah. I'm going socks and sandals cell phone holster so since we are putting dads on blast mercilessly of which we are but not quite this stage not quite this stage i feel the need to put myself on blast oh is this one you go with i don't think there's much more dad clothing than a polo shirt. You wear them all the time. I am a polo fan. My wardrobe in my closet, I've got the t-shirts and I got the polo section.

I've got a lot of polos. I love them. They are my favorite shirt. You do wear a lot of polos. D-A-D guilty as charged. Yeah, it's a dad shirt for sure. Oh, man. I love it.

I love it. Love me a good golf polo. Oh, man. I love it. Love me a good golf pole. Oh, man. It's so comfy. Spectacular. It's like I'm dressed up, but I'm still comfortable. Oh, man. All right. Oh, Mike, you're up.

You have a couple of picks. There's three that I just. You only get two. I love them. All right. Well, I mean, we got to start with this one. There may be some people in this office that are guilty of this crime as well. I'm not going to name any names.

Cargo shorts, my friend. Oh, yeah. If you got the extra pockets on the bottom, what are you doing? Why do you need those? Maybe I used to. I had so many cargo shorts a long time ago that my pocket for the wallet was always the right cargo pocket. I was too.

But this was back in the cargo days. Yeah, when I was a young lad. I was like, oh, man, there's so much room for all my stuff. It's convenient. Like, would you rather go hiking in a normal pair of shorts or cargo shorts? You got to go with the cargo shorts, man. But yeah, they're very, very dad shorts. They're a little dated now.

That was the next on my list. Oh, excellent. Excellent. And then I will follow it up. My third pick. Oh, man. Which one makes it back? I don't know.

We'll go with. Look, when you get older, I get it because the eyesight goes. I mean, Jason wears fantastic glasses. Oh, thank you. Great glasses. I was a glasses man for a long time. Oh, I know where you're going when I bought these ones. And look, when you have prescription lenses and you go outside, there's a problem.

You can't wear sunglasses. Dang it. You can't wear sunglasses. This is my pick. But what if your lens did both what if you could be inside and then you go outside and you're wearing sunglasses and i will take transition lenses there is nothing worse than transition lenses nothing and that's a slow transition right there especially when you come back inside my dad had these for you had

them my dad had them i bought some i went glass indoors with sunglasses for a long time yes that's that's the biggest problem is when you don't need them sunglasses even when they're done even when they're fully untransitioned to regular lenses like those are a little tinted those look real stupid and the thing is is i bought them and they were expensive that was like a huge upgrade it cost a lot of money to add well there's a lot of science going on there and i did this of course without my wife because she never would have let me do this i just thought oh that's cool i can always have them i mean it was it was a real dad maneuver because i think part of the problem with dad you are so right the problem the problem with dad is the problem with all this dad clothing and just dad gear is practicality and ease over fashion.

So it's like, oh, I don't need my other, you know, look at all the room in these pockets. Oh, I can just slip the sandals right on over the socks. Like, it's all just ease. I already found myself a wife. When you don't consult the significant other so that you have a sounding board for this mistake you're about to make, that's when you end up with the dad. And once you got it, you're like, yeah, well, I've got it now, so I'm going to wear it. All right. Now I'm just going with the regular old dad.

And this is just what you're going to wear almost every day. It's just a nice pair of Costco jeans. Just a real nice. I mean, they're very boxy. They were very affordable. And I can wear them every day. Just a nice pair of Costco jeans. Oh, man.

You get a lot of good use out of those. Oh, yeah. Those are very uniform blue. Are those Wranglers? No, Costco's. Yeah. Three for 30. They've got a great deal going right now.

When you've got dad jeans, you've got to let everyone know about the deal. Oh, you have to. That's how you qualify. Oh, no, these jeans, they were a great deal. I'm telling you. I saved so much money. You can go get them right now. They're on sale. Ten for a dollar. I'll A5. Oh, my gosh. All right.

I'm back up. Two picks. My final two. Well, I've got to start this off with some headwear. Look, if I know dads, I know out here in Arizona especially, you are very, very comfortable in a large sun hat. It's on my list. You are just fine. Again,

if you don't want the sun to get to you and you don't care what you look like preventing it, so you're going to wear a large sun hat with a big old, it might be wide brimmed. It might be just the back neck. But this is going to be a normal part of your wardrobe. Guilty as charged. Yeah, you've got one.

You know I do. Oh, yeah. The sun is so strong. The sun is so strong. And even though you look so stupid, it's, again, it's just very practical. Yes. And I don't know. Hopefully this one's still okay to be picked.

My final pick, it's a variant of one of the already made selections. That's fine. Very practical. Yes. And I don't know. Hopefully this one's still okay to be picked. My final pick. It's a variant of one of the already made selections. That's fine. But frankly, in Arizona, the Costco jeans aren't going to cut it when you can get yourself some jean shorts. Oh, yeah. Jorts is on my list. But not cool. They're not cool.

These ones have a very even flat bottom. These ones aren't cut short. These are very hemmed. These are manufactured this way. They might be jean cargos. We ones aren't cut short. These are very hemmed. These are manufactured this way. They might be jean cargos. We don't know for sure. But they are jean. They might be whitewashed.

I mean, they are short jean shorts. Shorts absolutely on this list. So there's my socks and sandals, cell phone holster, sun hat, jean shorts, and I'm ready to go. There are people listening to this show right now. That look down. That are like, what have I done? Oh, man. You're a dad.

Congrats. Yeah. You're probably a wonderful father. Now go burn all that stuff. You look like a weirdo. Other than the sun hat. You might want to keep that. It's very useful.

Very practical. I did want to piggyback your transition lenses and go the clip-on lenses. Those are the nice backup if you need them, the clip-ons. Those can go in and out of fashion. Of fashion, yeah. Transition lenses cannot. Unfortunately, Mike got my cargo shorts, and sometimes you might be without your cargo shorts,

and there's only one solution. Oh, no. It's a fanny pack. It's not even on my list, man i mean again super practical i could tell you if i go to disneyland you go fanny i go fanny yeah i got all my cash right full fanny oh yeah full fanny i mean i'll put it to the side i'm a hip young dad all right um but yeah it's so european so easy to keep everything all in one place oh man that's a great closer pick right there hit that one out of the way i got pleated khakis a polo shirt

costco jeans and a fanny pack oh that's so good wow that one's outstanding i hadn't even thought did you have a fanny pack phase as as uh i did I did. I definitely held it to the side, too. It wasn't straight in front of you. Oh, no. Nerds do that. Third to fifth grade. I think I had a fanny pack on every day. Small detour because I'm thinking about the fanny pack being tilted to the side, right?

Which, really, the fanny pack's most convenient if it's right in front of you. Right in front. Another thing that you do as a kid for goodness sakes kids i think they stopped doing it but i felt a tremendous peer pressure to only use one side of the backpack strap oh yeah and oh yeah i needed both man my backpack was heavy i needed the security and i probably misaligned my spine for years. I have permanent damage. Because I had to do, I can't do both. I'm a nerd.

No, two straps? Yeah, you're right. I got to look cool and hold this all with one side. That's for dorks. Cool kids wear it with one strap. Isn't that so ridiculous? Yes. So stupid.

It is so stupid, but man, if you see both straps on her, that kid is a dork. Wow. All right, Mike, your final pick. All her, that kid is a dork. Wow. All right, Mike, your final pick. All right, we'll close this one out. When dad goes on vacation, you know he cuts loose. And there's only one type of shirt for dad when he's on vacation. Oh, yeah. And that is the Hawaiian shirt.

Oh, that is so good. It's probably not buttoned. Oh, it's of course not buttoned. It's got a white t-shirt under there. Hey, Al, do you got any Hawaiian shirts over there? Oh, yeah. Yeah. When I'm on a cruise ship, I am bright.

You're wearing them. And a few days after. Yeah. You're wearing the open Hawaiian shirt. You got your cargos on. You got your socks and sandals. The wind is blowing through that shirt a little bit. The transition lenses have

have fully gone to sun glass baby spectacular I other other nominees here as we close this out I did have bolo ties out there are they they're more grandpa yeah I got tube

socks oh yeah I had the high socks but it was just like socks and sandals took care of it novelty t-shirts overstuffed wallet very dad whitey tighties certainly they don't always show those off

they do sometimes it was a combo with the wallet but it's like dads just have huge key rings that have like 30 keys on there. And you only use two of them, but you hear them jangling coming down the stairs. And of course, Gildan t-shirts. Oh, of course. What do you think all those novelty t-shirts are printed on?

Cheap as possible. Ten for a dollar. All right. What did we learn today? We learned that Denver is full of lies. They are full of crap. I mean, Flagstaff looks down upon you, Denver. Literally.

Yes. Literally. I learned that Jason's spider phobia goes so far that he can't even save his family to kill a spider. I wrote two words down. Spiders win. Yeah. Spiders win. Yeah. Spiders win. That's shameful.

Oh, no. I was full of shame. I still am. But know thyself. We love you anyways. My family lives. That's a nice polo you got. Thank you, John Stone.

Take care, everyone. See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Hey, Spitwats. The show's over, but this is what's called a post-roll ad. Oh, sounds awesome.

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