Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 174: The Hungry Games & A Holiday Mascot Battle - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

Today we are talking about ideal bedtimes, airplane poop chutes, and playing hooky from work. Then, as we approach the holiday season, we do a battle royale draft of well known holiday mascots. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwatch, this next episode is probably in our top 50 best episodes. Oh, most certainly. Top 75 episodes we've ever done. It could be as high as number one overall. I don't know. I can speak to that. It hasn't happened yet. It is in that range.

Wait, we haven't had a number one? Oh, no, the show that we're about to do. It's about to happen, Mike. Now, hold on a second. Before we jump into that, I want to remind you, you can support the show if you enjoy it, if you're on your long journey through all the episodes and you want to say, hey, I love this. I want more. And I don't want any ads. And I want to listen to shows ahead of everybody else. My show and I want it now. You can support the show by going to jointhespit.com and becoming an official Spitwad.

Head over there right now. You can support the show by going to jointhespit.com and becoming an official Spitwad. Head over there right now. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Ha-cha-cha-cha! Boom-cha-ca-ca!

Welcome in. Ha! A lot of minty breath in that scat. I'm getting rated? Was there a horchata in there? No, it was a... I guess I could have gone horchata, but I went horchata. I did throw in a shikaka, though. Yeah, you did.

That was nice. Shikaka. You're out of here. Wait, what did you give me over there? I gave you a seven. I thought that was a... That's a nice score. That was an above average scat. It's got a Ventura riff in there, and you're giving me a seven. I thought that was a nice score. That was an above average.

It's got a Ventura riff in there, and you're giving me a seven? I didn't really pick up on the Ventura riff live. A little dated, Mike. Okay, so now that you know that it was clearly an Ace Ventura reference. I can't get you all the way to an eight. You're going to need to drop it. It wasn't that good. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast at spitballers pod on twitter join the spit.com if you want to support

this podcast and uh al how are you doing today doing great what uh types of uh perks do we provide our spit wats early release uh ad free. That sounds awesome. And contributions to the spit tank where we go for content ideas. Oh, that is some, it's incredible. It must be about $1,000, $2,000 a month to do that? Right now, it's only $5 a month. Okay. Whoa.

Yeah. Wow. But you get the $2,000 worth of value. And I do usually spend my mornings after coffee or while I'm getting coffee, I browse the list of our supporters, and I just thank you in my head. So that's my morning routine. And you said it's either before coffee or during or even after coffee. Sometimes all three.

And Andy was saying it's only worth $2,000. Yeah, it's worth well more than that. A mental thank you. What is the deal right now? Only $5,000. It's worth well more than that. A mental thank you. What is the deal right now? Only $5 a month. Thank you to everybody who has sent us some pretty cool ideas. We have a fun draft on today's show. We have Is This Real Life?

Let's get into it. Would you rather? Would you rather question from Hannah on Patreon? Oh, look at that. One of our supporters. Thank you for your support. Would you rather travel back in time to meet your ancestors or go to the future and meet your descendants? Okay.

Okay. Problem here. What's your problem? Now, I know that if I go back in time i'm guaranteed you know obviously time travel you know yeah yeah yeah yeah i to get to my ancestors but there's i mean if i travel in into the future let's say i i pick the day and i say 1 000 years and i'm gonna go meet my descendants what if there's nobody there right there's a chance my line you're worried your lineage is is gonna fall off i mean on a long enough timeline i think everyone's might i think

it would now you're thinking more family name than you are yeah you don't got to worry about the name i mean it's your it's your genetic your lineage you have you have uh procreated three children i have into this world. They could all have no children, and then it's over. Yeah, they could, but the odds of that seem low. The odds of your kids not having kids or adopting or doing something where they create a family, that seems very low to me.

Over 1,000 years, though, the amount of times that could happen, you're saying that family thing happens, what, you got three generations maybe? How often does a family's lineage get wiped out? It happens, man. I think it has to be very infrequent. You also have the choice. You can just go forward and meet your elderly grandkids. Yeah.

As Andy was talking, I was like, oh my gosh. I was really bored. No, there's a new problem. I was sitting there thinking, if I go 300 years in the future, maybe I don't have any descendants. But the reality is, as both of you spoke, I'm going to have 10,000 descendants. Yes. How could you meet that? It's not 10,000 descendants? Yes. How could you meet that? How could you? I mean, how are you going to?

It's not 10,000 at a time. That's too much for me, man. That's too. You're overthinking this. Yeah, you are. Goodness gracious. Step back and just say, hey, you get it. Here's the real question.

Go back and meet your ancestors or go forward and meet your descendants as far as like your kids, kids, kids. Boom. You got to meet them like your kids kids kids boom you get to meet them or your kids kids whatever the case may be i hope i get to meet my kids kids already now what's interesting to me is like usually when i'm i'm facing the question if you want to go back in time you want to go forward i want to go forward i want to see the new cool stuff but because this is specifically meet your ancestors like i am fascinated of that story of how did I get here? Like, why do I exist? And like my, my mom has done under that all the time.

Look, you should. Why in the world is this guy here? You should think about lineage all the time. Stood the test of time. That's what we're always saying. I'm here. What genetic accident produced? Sorry.

But my mom has got full addicted to Ancestry.com, traced our lineage back many, many generations. And it is like the story of how you are here imagine how big his ancestors heads must have been i mean no what do do your heads get bigger or smaller humans have gotten bigger one of the two but if it's either your descendants are not able to walk or your ancestors well i mean it's probably the descendants i would go i'm going the future. You're not factoring in how buff my neck is, guys. Outrageously strong. That's because of the holding up of the head. Yes.

My legs are so strong. Here is the reality. Mike is right. It would be very... Like, everybody came to this country, right? Yes. We all have, like, immigrant ancestors that came here. Or you have native, like, in your lineage, and you don't know about it. It's like, but for, it's the butterfly effect of seeing all these pieces.

Maybe you had part of your ancestors, someone from Europe somewhere. Yeah, oh, yeah. And then they ended up building a family with someone who's native over here. It's like, think of how crazy it is that if one thing goes wrong in that list of events, you aren't here right now. This is where Mike transitions into the tagline for the ad read, 4ancestry.com. This whole show is not a sponsor, but that's the fascinating part. I have an answer, and I'll get out of the way after the answer.

My answer is I want to go see my ancestors. And this is because I know now came from that. So no matter how good or bad back then was, I know now exists as it is. Sure. The future would be difficult because you're not going to have any control over five generations of descendants. And it could be bad. And if it's bad in the future, I think that would impact me emotionally way more now than something in the past. So I will take the ancestral journey, learn about my ancestors from Hungary, and I will not go to the future.

That is deep, man. That is deep. You're 100% right. Something bad in the past won't affect you now because you already know it happened. That being said, I think I have to see my descendants. I have to because I, and this is my own fault. I've started a lineage of name. Yes.

My firstborn son is Jason Randlemore II. I have to go four generations and see. Did we carry the name on? Okay, fantastic question. You went with the carry your first and last name for your firstborn son. Yes. What does it look like? He has he has a son whatever 15 years from now and he does not do that oh he's out of the family i mean that's i mean it's it's it's i've always

told him it's his decision it's not no it's your decision to be out of the family. You don't have to. I mean, you are free to exit our love. Do you show up to the birth with the will and a notary and watch the birth certificate get filled out? Has it been written into your trust? Oh, that's a good idea. My family trust. He receives his inheritance based on his children's name? That's right. It all goes to the third

oh i'm gonna make it that fifth come on baby all right what's your fight so you're going i'm going descendants i want to i want to see if my name based on mike's story he's going to answer oh 100 and and now what so meaning your ancestors andy because it's in my head i'm curious if it's in your head right now what happens no no no what portion of you going back is because you're like I'm going to go back until I meet my ancestors and it will literally be me because it's a back to the future

three situation where Marty McFly goes back and meets Seamus but they're actually the same person one just has an Irish accent you just have a different beard or a different piece of... See, I was going a completely different place. I don't even know if I want to go there. Oh.

But what if you did go back in your ancestry? Is this also back to the future? It's not. What if you went back and you found out... The weird part. Would it affect you now if you found out, like, four generations ago, your ancestor was one of the worst people on the face of the planet. Oh, yes.

What do you do with that info? Like dictator level or like murderer or just like. I always knew that my great grandfather was Joey S. I just never realized it was Joseph Stalin. I mean, would it affect, would it make you think, we'll get deep again, would it make you think that that's in you? Yes. Would you never thought it was in you?

Yes. You'd be terrified. So now your whole thing about going back, finding something bad, coming back and being fine is blown up. It's kapooey. Because if you go back in time and you realize there was just a mass murder, who you are descended from. Mussolini Holloway.

Yeah. You're descended from. Then at that point, you're going, this is in my blood. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah. Come with me to the future, everybody. It's like a werewolf.

At some point, I'm going to hit my 45th birthday. And all of a sudden. The Stalin years. It's going to come out, and and i'm gonna take over the country and i'm gonna starve everybody yeah i can't stop it it's in me all right uh theo from actually i'm curious al yes sir to the future or to the past what is your future is al is uh judge yamadi in here he's not okay good he chooses neither he chooses the present theo from twitter what bedtime would you rather have every day for the rest of your life 8 30 p.m or 1 30 a.m

with all the implications of both of these there's a ton and like if this was what bedtime would you rather have right now it's you know every single day you don't get to choose it's super easy it's 1 30 in the morning because that's choosing your wake-up time is not 6 30 in the morning well it's just one of those things where I go to sleep closer to 1 30 than I do to 8 30 already um so this is easy for me and i prefer the night time i'm not a morning person at all um part of that might be because of my bedtime i don't know but um the this says for the rest of your life tired i do but in my defense when i go to bed at 9 30 for like four or five days in a row i that fifth day I'm still

super tired and I'm like why why have I been pretending to go to bed early I'm just I'm gonna wake up tired no matter what I think it's more of a health and eating issue but um I'm gonna say here that there's a problem fast forward till I'm 70 80 you know it says rest of your life right what would I be doing till 1 30 in the morning i want to go to sleep we were joking at lunch today about a recent spitballers where we were drafting things old people do and we were talking about how they have dinner at four and it dawned on me it's because they got nothing else to do. They're like, I'm so bored. You want to do dinner now?

Okay. So, yeah, I mean, there's... If you choose 8.30 p.m., let's be honest, you're going to miss sporting events for the rest of your life. There's lots of sporting events that go past 8.30 in the evening. That's true. I don't want to be like, oh, it's the second quarter of the Super Bowl. It's time to go to bed.

Night, night. But the 1.30 a.m., I oh, it's the second quarter of the Super Bowl. It's time to go to bed. Night, night. But the 1.30 a.m., I mean, that's like – I think if I'm choosing the rest of my life, that's the one I'm going to choose, which surprises – like I'm a morning person. So if you tell me I'm going to bed at 8.30 and then I'm getting up at 4.30, like I don't mind that cadence of life, but I don't want to miss the action after 8.30 p.m. Yeah, I agree with you.

I'm going to stick it with 1.30. Stick it with 1.30. Stick the landing? And I will plan on not making it to my 80s. I will just. Now, what if you move to Hawaii? Will you get all the sporting events and then the 8.30 works? Yes.

Yeah, I think so. I'm going to Hawaii. Also, also, then you live in Hawaii. Oh, wow. I hadn't even thought of that. Okay. I have thought about that most days. What's your time, Mike?

1.30. 8.30, it's too early. I'm with Jason. We're going to die 10 years from lack of sleep. What if you had to, no matter what, you had to get up at 5 a.m. every day? Think of the naps. Think of the naps. You'd be living in the nap.

Oh, I'll be napping all the time. But you can't let that nap slip into sleep, otherwise you broke the rule. Of course. Jason from Patreon says- Oh, you're welcome for my support. Probably one of his descendants. Would you rather compete in the Squid Games or the Hunger Games? Okay. Oh. Of course. Jason from Patreon says... Oh, you're welcome for my support. Probably one of his descendants. Would you rather compete in the Squid Games or the Hunger Games?

Okay. Oh. So, I don't really know. I didn't watch Squid Games. Okay, but I can give you the premise here. I'll set you up. Squid Games is you end up playing childhood games, and the losers are removed from life from life so you play the hunger games and it's you removing other people from life and the last person who has not been removed

they are the winner okay so so real quick on the surface it sounds like the easier thing is to beat a childhood game you know uh versus red light green light right having to win in mortal combat against your foes however let's let's just look at the math okay because i'm pretty sure that in squid games you started with like 500 people so it's a very high number. Hunger Games is like 15. Right. It's not just Ma and Pa who are in gambling debt. Some of these people are... I've seen the Hunger Games.

Some of these dudes are super jacked. They're shredded. They're ready for a competition in the wilderness, and you're going in as strong-legged Jason Moore over here. Now, this isn't the Hungry Games, though. Oh, man. I would dominate.

Does that make you laugh? It does, because it's right there. It'd be a different game. Of course, the Squid Game could be different, too. I'm here for the Hungry Games. Sir. Just the fact that- Choose your weapon.

I got a fork. It's like they're called the hunger games because they're from starving districts. It's people living in poverty, and then you get Jason Rolls up with a bib. I'm here for the hungry games. I volunteer as tribute. I am starving. I haven't eaten in 48 hours in preparation for this. What are we starting?

A couple hours? What's going on here? You make him that hungry, he's going to catch some of these people. I know that. That's right. I need a meal. It's going to be different. Oh, man. Daddy's going hunting. I've always wondered, if you get dropped i need a meal it's gonna be different oh man daddy's going

hunting i've always wondered like if you get dropped it let's say it's the hunger games and it's you and let's just call it 10 people total okay and this is in an open landscape right you're in a forest and a you know what's your strategy there like because i've always thought like my strategy is just like I got to go full. I'm fully hidden. Yes, 100%. It has to be step one. Are you a hider or a seeker? Well, step one has to be hide.

You want the herd to thin out. You want half of them to take care of each other, and then you enter the fray. If you're starting thinking I'm just going to go Rambo. I'm going for the high score. And go for the high score, you're dead. It's not going to happen. So, no, you have to start with hiding, but the best is to hide and watch.

If you can find that spot up in that tree, learn their weaknesses. Maybe fall upon them. I would assume there's some kind of crane or at least a cherry picker that I can ride. Who left this caterpillar laying around? There's a rustling up in those trees. They'll never find me. I'm getting into position. Wow, this is...

This better be a dense brush. Okay. All right. So I'm going to go... I can't do it anymore. I'm going to mess up the squid game one. The kids' game's repeating. I'm going to mess up a red light, green light.

The cost of mental failing there is too high. Yeah, I'm going to mess up a red light green light the cost of mental failing there is too high I'm going to go Hunger Games as well not just because of the name but also because look in either one of these things I'm gone most likely you got a 1 in 15 chance I feel like I got

a better chance in the Hunger Games but in the meantime while I'm living out that horrible end of my life, in one, I am trapped in a remote location, horrifically fed and yada yada in the Squid Games. Or on the other, I'm a celebrity. I get 15 minutes of fame and the whole world's watching me, and there's people out there rooting for me, going, let's go. The hungry guy?

The guy with the fork. He got another one. We let him go in with a fork and a steak knife. I feel like you have far more control in the Hunger Games. Oh, yeah. You are in charge. Because there was a lot of luck built into Squid Games, where you're signing up. You don't know what the game is. You're just signing up for something. You've got to got to go with hunger games you got to play

the numbers where probability of 1 in 15 or whatever is yeah it's just better all right uh let's go to dean from the website would you rather brush your teeth with a hairbrush what or brush your hair with a toothbrush what is this an unused brand new hairbrush or is this a used? We'll go, it's unused. It's only for, it was purchased specifically for you to brush your teeth.

I bought this brush. But it's gigantic. To brush my teeth. You're only getting the front skis. Like, it's really large. You're not getting the back. Unless you want to, like, choke to death.

Yeah, you can only get the front. And what funny is i guess you could you know what what came to mind first for me we have a lot of hair brushes around is not like the you know how there's the the brushes that have all the like coarse hair that wasn't what came to mind for me what came to mind was the ones with the little sticks and the plastic balls on the end of every single um you know yeah yeah those yeah i mean are we talking about hair or tooth those are the hair brushes our parents the toothbrush their hair with yeah just all the hair brushes around my house are like that they're they they have little plastic uh i don't know what do you call the little pieces of a brush? The spokes? I mean.

It's the bicycle? It's got to have a name. Okay, there's a new question here. What? Ow, I got to know what. Brush bristles. I was going to say, I got to know what the brush bristles are called.

Okay, the bristles. How does that process work jay how does the process yeah i mean how do you end up what's it look like how do you get all your teeth brushed uh that big of a brush you hypothetically hypothetically you gotta you gotta you. Okay. You got to spread the cheeks. You know, as they say, you got to spread your mouth cheeks real wide and get that brush back there. Okay, that just doesn't work. I think Dean knew what was... Dean was setting us up for catastrophe. Dean, you old scallywag. Dean was setting us up for catastrophe. Dean, you old scallywag.

Which one? Can I choose neither? What was the second? Is brush your hair with a toothbrush. That one. I mean, you've got to go with that one. Yes. It's just going to... You're not going to get a very good brush.

I don't even need to brush my hair so this is easy do you do you uh and this is not a hair joke do you brush or a lack of hair joke do you brush do you brush or comb your hair thank you um no i i use paste with my hands and then i i form it yes i use toothpaste do you with my hands do you ever brush form it. Yes, I use toothpaste with my hands. Do you ever brush or comb? I brush, yeah. When I get my hair ready in the morning, I use a brush. You do?

Yeah, I'm with Jason. I don't. I just wash my hair. If it's short enough, I won't, but if it gets a little bit longer, I use a brush for a little bit. Yeah, you usually do have a... I use a brush with really distant... Bristles. Bristles. It's all plastic.

No bristles, actually. You ever had bristle sprouts? This show is off the rails right now. But it's time for Is This Real Life? Spitwads, learning a new language can feel intimidating. I know when I first, you know, was given a shot to learn Spanish, I was worried about the level of difficulty and the time commitment. That's the real issue. I don't have time for everything. And how's my

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I didn't even show up, and I dropped out of mine. Ha ha, stupid high school language classes. Their teaching methods are dumb, but babbles are great. They've been scientifically proven to be effective. We're talking 14 different languages. We got Spanish, we got French, we got Italian, we got German, and more. I said 14 languages. So right now, when you purchase a three-month Babbel subscription, you'll get an additional three

months for free. That's like double. That's six months for the price of three. Just go to babbel.com. Use our promo code BALLERS. That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com. I want you to speak multiple languages. Code Ballers for an extra three months free. Babbel. It's language for life. Is this real life? Is it? Is the question. I'm going to ask myself that every day.

We each have a story from the real world that we're going to share with one another and i was delighted when i read the details of my story oh please please share a man was covered in poop okay after pat a passing plane dumped toilet waste over his backyard no it did that didn't. That's not a real thing. It has happened many times. And I had actually heard about it, but I had not heard it in such detail. Because this poor man in

Windsor, England. No! The story, the way that this picture paints it, this poor man, he was just sitting in his backyard enjoying the sun. Oh, no! Enjoying the sun. Enjoying the sun by his garden. And unfortunately, a plane discharged its sewage. And minutes later, his whole garden.

No. His garden umbrellas and he himself was totally covered. Fertilized. In poop. From. No. And that's human poop. Oh, my. was totally covered in poop from... No! And that's human poop. Oh my goodness. I've heard tall tale that planes do this.

I thought it was completely phony. They've got to get rid of it somehow, right? Yeah, when you land, you hook up a tube. They evacuate it up there. Do they really up there do they really they do that's what planes normally do yeah and then they have they just go poop shoot that i hope that's the button the button is called the poop shoot they just push it and then i apparently one of the the factors here was the weather because the uh i think wouldn't it freeze it was frozen poop it was frozen sewage it didn't kill him no it was frozen sewage it's it's poop hail uh in june

this also happened in portsmouth and locals were quote terrified after frozen poo fell from the sky what are we doing but it's quote so rare and hadn't seen it in a long time. He added that modern toilets on planes are vacuum secured and normally reliable. It could have been a failure of the aircraft to adequately service it. It does sound like it wasn't a button. So what, like it just leaked out? It sounded like it was an accident. Yeah.

Well, yeah. Oh, the airplane had an accident again it even makes the point is the the poor windsor resident was unable to claim insurance from the ordeal but the cost was relatively low wait so they pooped on him yeah and they did nothing for him they did not they said what they did nothing hit him with a my bad and we on? He had to go clean himself up and he was not happy. Apparently people in England do not sue each other quite as much. Well, they sewage each other. Right, they sewage each other.

But I mean, if that happened to me, if I got dumped on in my backyard by American Airlines, which usually they do that in the front yard. Yeah, when you're on the plane. Goodness, would I be going after them. Because, I don't know. I mean, enjoy your next day in the backyard. A poop suit? Yes, it would be a poop suit against them. There's as much, as many humans are here on the earth,

there's so much land that is not occupied by humans. How did they hit a person? It's rare. It should be never. This is not something we should accept as every once in a while we drop one from the sky. Or if it is every once in a while we drop one from the sky. Or if it is every once in a while, it should be worth a prize. You should be winning a sweepstakes.

You should get something. You should fly for free for the rest of your life. Yes. What if they had a thing where every year they do this, and if it lands on you, you win a million dollars? Oh, then you got people trying to get in the path of the airplane flight and then it's a television show all right what do you guys have i'd watch it um all right my uh my article here this comes back to the united states of course um because this is a uh united states hospital charges woman $800 for crying during surgery. What?

Yes. What? US hospital charges woman $800 for crying during surgery. Is that really up to her? Well, no. And this is, I can relate. Like sometimes people have anxiety when it comes to procedures um and this this woman was getting a mole removed okay um and so she i understand being kind of

scared to get that done yeah and um she apparently was a big baby um i mean i don't know that i wasn't i wasn't there and the article doesn't say exactly how much she whined and cried. But what happened is she got her bill. And in that, they detail all the different things. You know, it's like, oh, lidocaine, $12, this and that and this and that. And on that bill was, quote, brief emotion. She got charged for brief emotion. No.

Yeah. How much is full emotion? What are we? That's a great question. What are we doing? Brief emotion. I mean, look, I know there's a lot written about the U.S. medical system, the health care system being a little wonky. There's not enough written about the U.S. medical system being wonky.

I mean, what are we doing? Yeah, like... How can you write that on a bill? I mean, pretty easily. They just printed it. And so they charged her $800 because apparently she was not an easy... Now, emotion's not covered by insurance, right? That's a cash expense. Now, emotion's not covered by insurance, right? That's a cash expense.

Clearly, it's not. I would imagine that the insurance company would say, I'm not paying for this one. Oh, my goodness. Just like, isn't part of being a doctor care? Isn't that what you signed up for? No, you need the be a man discount. That's just ridiculous's ridiculous i mean if she cried so 38 for wincing so during during one of the procedures this woman cried during her

mole removal surgery and then was charged for that now on the flip side i don't want to deal with a crying patient you know what i mean like i would like my patients all be way tougher but you're a doctor yeah but i i'm gonna charge her for that i get it i get it i'm gonna charge for crying because if you think about it i can make money that way yeah you can just make up whatever you want you can charge for that stinky breath oh halitosis oh halitosis charge charge them for a mint oh that's good that's 50 bucks that's unbelievable they suffered halitosis oh halitosis charge them for a mint oh that's good that's 50 bucks that's unbelievable they suffered halitosis 500 lifesaver bad joke 225 yeah emotional discomfort for me see i felt like i had to go to i go to dermatologist once a year right we're out here in arizona and you get a skin check see doctors mess with you I went in this place, and I felt like I was being trolled.

But we've heard about, you know, you go to the doctor's office. You make an appointment. You wait a long time. A lot has been made of you waiting. Because you do. Because you do. But there's a skin check. So they tell you, you know, get down in your skibbies, right?

Okay. I go in this room, guys. And I have to do the second waiting room thing for 30 minutes. Get down in your skibbies, right? Okay. I go in this room, guys. And I have to do the second waiting room thing for 30 minutes. Get down in your skibbies. It's got to be 12 degrees. It's 12 degrees in the room. Are you in the paper suit? They gave me something to lay across my lap.

Wait a minute. What? It's not a gown. They didn't give you a gown? No, no, no. It's not a gown. I'm just- They gave you a bath towel?

They gave me a small washcloth to lay across my private. Are you sure you're at the doctor? You're not at the doctor, bro. I've been to a dermatologist. I'm telling you, this is the coldest room that's ever been made, and you just wait in it naked. This is inappropriate. That is- And then they charge you for it yeah they charge you a lot

patient freezing i just think that they have a lot of control over you if they can charge you for emotion they can make you wait as long as you want naked in a cold room that's just it's too much take back the control this is do your procedures yourself i hear you i hear what you're saying that's what i'm saying. At-home surgeries. That's what you've been saying. I mean, they've got to be on YouTube, right? Why not? I don't know how to do something.

I look up on YouTube and someone's doing it. There's got to be at-home surgeries. I can get a mole off. I'm sure someone has removed a mole on YouTube. Yeah, that's probably true. All right. Mike, what do you got for us? My article here.

You don't think it was a real dermatologist? Oh, it was certainly not. No way. No way. No. Mine's it's a very uplifting article. Oh, fantastic. It's referring to an elder man, an elder Spanish man. And he had worked so long. He was a civil servant. And then the deputy mayor was like, the 20-year anniversary of this employee. It came up loyal, dedicated, and we're going to give him an award. Right? Oh, that's great. Because that's what you do for people who have been a civil servant for that long. They've paid their dues. They've spent their life investing in people. This old civil servant deserves this.

Thank you. their life investing in people this old civil servant deserves this thank you it it turns out uh this man had not been working for 6 to 14 years what and it's simply been collecting a paycheck wait and he won an award and the only reason they figured out that he wasn't showing up to work is because he was getting an award. What? That's not real. Oh, it is real. And, like, the person who worked across from his office said,

yeah, I've never seen him. No one was the wiser. Mr. Garcia here, he just figured it out that I'm not going to show up to work. Eventually, he lost an appeal. He was fined about $30,000. But this man. That's got to still be a net win. It's got to be a net win.

A huge win. Well, when you factor in the value of his time, never, ever going to work. Wait, how long was the time frame? They said it's at least six. Six. Possibly 14. So the only way that makes sense is if they just don't they have no idea what this guy stopped coming to work it could

have been 14 like i think i saw him i know i saw him 14 years ago i know that so there's a job they thought was getting done for 6 to 14 years that was not getting done so and yet paid him this was a government job oh yeah i gotta get a government job? Oh, yeah. I got to get a government job. There have to be people out there like this. And I know what you're thinking. This man's a hero. Oh, he deserves an award for sure. This man is a hero to us all.

One day that man said to himself, what if I don't come in today? Yep. Should I let them know? No, I'll just not come in. And then no one called. And he did it the next day. And I do it again. Here's what happened.

All he did in his mind was quit. That's it. He just quit. He's like, I'm not doing this job. Millions of people do that everywhere. He just quit. And not even call, not show up. You know, just, I hate this job.

I'm gone. Right? But then two weeks goes by, and that's when he gets the first check. And it's probably my last. And he goes, oh man, I can't. Yeah. Severance. And then two more weeks, he gets a check.

He, I mean. Just keeps going. And the reason the, the fine was so low is because legally that was all they could reclaim. And it turned out it was about a year's salary. So he's getting, he's getting that for six to 14 years, and he just pays back a year of it? That is correct. I mean, there have got to be dead people that are employed by the government right now. Oh, man, that is fantastic.

That's $420,000 to not work and get an award. A hero. He is truly a hero. I wish we knew your name. We would give you an award. I mean. A hero. He is truly a hero. I wish we knew your name. We would give you an award right here. I told you, it's Mr. Garcia. Oh, Mr. Garcia, you deserve all the awards. Well, you guys want to draft?

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That's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-F-R-A-M-E.com. Promo code BALLERS. The Spitballers Draft. Well, this is one of the draft ideas that came in off of a tweet. We were looking for some new ones, and we're drafting holiday mascots for a battle royale. We have not been in the arena for a little while, and we are going to take characters, folklore that surround the holiday season

and we're going to pick them and then they're going to fight each other on behalf of us and one of us will be victorious of course so Mike you have the first pick and so you'll kind of follow along with us you'll get where we're going yes and this is

sometimes you have a draft where there's no clear one Oh one. There is to me. Okay. There is a clear one Oh one. When you're talking about the holiday mascots that you want on your side in the fight magic, he's got a sleigh that can fly through the air. Yeah.

The man can clearly do some kind of body morphing to get down the chimneys. And like, I don't know. Is it a flying sack? We've seen all sorts of theories. But it is the OG. It is Mr. Santa Claus. He will be spearheading my team. And he's a leader.

Like, how do you have a workshop full of elves to make toys for the entire child population of the world and not be a good leader? Slave owner. Yeah, got it. Don't you dare take shots at my Santa Claus. I was really hoping. They're paid a fair wage. I was really hoping.

They get so many cookies. Are they unionized? They really should. I was going to insult Santa Claus on the basis basis that that you didn't get him that he has the physical limitations right he's an old man i mean at the end of the day you drafted an old man but then i realized dumbledore's an old man and he's pretty cool and there's a lot of like if you got magic do you know an old man who could get to every house i would in one night i would never insult thank you because i don't want to be on the naughty list.

Of course, that's a good reason. Yeah, that's honest to goodness. I was just hoping because he's kind of this fat old man that you wouldn't draft him, and I was going to make all the arguments you just made and scoop up who should have been the 101. But you didn't get him. But I didn't get him. Look.

Sinter Klaus. Okay, so i'm up on the clock here um the reality is in a fight with holiday mascots you go need some magic if you don't you know look if you got a fight and one of you has magic and one of you doesn't i'm guessing that most of these people have magic, but I'm not. The magic's all limited to these holiday things, though. Yeah. You know, they're not out there. Like, Santa's magic has got to have some constraints that are based around fitting down chimneys,

which in a coliseum, I'm not sure how useful that is. Right. And on December 24th, being able to, I would imagine, stop time. I don't know how he does it but but yeah limited but my magic is not very limited okay because the lore of the leprechaun oh goes well beyond just the saint patty's day i uh i mean there are horror movies. I'm trying to do an accent. There are literal horror movies made after my character. There are. It's called Leprechaun. That's the name of the movie.

Okay. And so my guy's small. He'll be hard to hit. Okay, so in your head, how big is a leprechaun? In my head, a leprechaun is probably like two and a half feet. Well, how high is it to my knee? Yeah. Because it's not two and a half feet well how high is it to my knee yeah my because that's it's not two and a half feet to your knee is it uh two feet to my knee like i get that you know in the in the right in the horror movie it was like it's the leprechaun is that tall

but like to me a leprechaun is like... Inches? No, get out of here. You're wrong. You're thinking of gnomes. Okay. Google says a leprechaun is about three feet. So, boom. Really? Yeah, buddy. I've thought about this wrong my entire life.

Now, you're trying to get the... I've never caught a leprechaun. You think this leprechaun... Now, on one hand, it's a three-foot person. Right. So, there is that aspect of like... Yeah, hard to hit. I hear you. With magic and...

Yeah, but the magic, I mean like... Gold. Aren't they like... It might be nice. What if you get With magic. Yeah, but the magic, I mean, like... Gold. Aren't they, like... It might be nice. What if you get the one that makes, like, Lucky Charms and stuff? Oh, I'm in this to fight to the death here. Yeah, I mean... This is a battle royale.

I'm not worried about niceness. I'm bringing out the dark side of my leprechaun. Okay. All right. This is going to be very interesting today. Okay. My first pick... very interesting today. Okay.

My first pick, there's not a lot of these that give you range on the battlefield. Oh, okay. I feel like that is an advantage. I'm the third picker here. There's only one that I know of

that has legit range. So I'm going to bring in the Archer. I'm bringing in Cupid. I'm bringing in Cupid. And air support. And flying. Air support.

And? A ranged attack from the air? Yeah. He can make us fall in love. So that's pretty cool. Not much armor. Not much armor. I'm pretty naked.

But we'll be firing. This is a one shot. Yeah, the naked Archer is my number one pick. Right. Cupid. The fat little baby. The fat baby shooter. Right, the fat baby.

The fat naked baby is your battle royale. Got it. Yeah, that's right, Mr. Three Foot Leprechaun. Oh, my leprechaun could totally beat up your Cupid. Not from a distance. That's true. So this is my air support, and it's going to be my first pick because I just don't want to. I like it.

I feel like it's the one advantage here. And you know what? It's tough because I'm not picking for a long, long time. So if you'll let me have it. No. I'm going to go with the Headless Horseman around Halloween. Headless Horseman was one where I was like i'm not sure you don't see this thing other than a few days before or after halloween i'm not sure but you know like i'm not

gonna argue against it like to me he can't even see here's here's a pre-cut i mean you can't do you can't behead this guy on the battlefield like my one argument for you is uh we fired up the disney plus and it was the Halloween collection. You know what was in there? Headless Horseman? The Headless Horseman. Oh, wait. What's the?

It's Ichabod. Hollow. Hollow. Sleepy Hollow. Sleepy Hollow as well. Sleepy Hollow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, look, I'm going to allow it.

I'm going to allow it. It's a little stretchy, but I'll allow it. And you know how well a Cupid-Headless Horseman combo is. I mean, that's one of the – it's peas and carrots. Just put the Cupid on top of the Headless Horseman. Oh, yeah. Just sit right on the shoulders. That's a scary-looking Headless Horseman.

And I feel like having some cavalry in the battle is important. You don't have the horse to get around. You got some speed. I would agree with you that having a powerful, four-legged beast of an animal is important. Oh, crap. Where are you going with this? I'm not letting you pair up, Mike. No! I am not letting you pair up.

There's a different one I wanted, but when I looked at you having Santa, I cannot let you get Rudolph. I needed my right hand, man. No way. No way. I mean, I've got antlers. I've got a light. I can fly.

I've got antlers. I can fly. Do you know how big reindeers are? Like, oh, Rudolph, the little cartoon. No, this is a reindeer. They're big. No, I think Rudolph's the runt of the litter, though, right? Oh, sure.

He's the smallest of the gigantic reindeer who can lift mr fat man up no problem over here um so now i've got you've got rudolph oh yeah i mean i'm i'm certainly happy to uh fly around on on on rudolph my leprechaun riding rudolph oh yeah baby that is a funny picture that is upsetting i had fully intended that that Rudolph was going to make it back to me. Santa Rudolph too powerful. Yeah, for a killer combo of death. You think Santa ever really rode Rudolph by himself, though? No, but if there are.

That could have been a real backfire, Mike. That could have been a splat. They're already a good team. They work well together. That's true. They have a history. He was ostracized. He probably wants to get back at Santa. Now you...

Oh, yeah. He's going to gorge him. What? Santa's the one who bailed him out. Did you say gorge? Yes. Did you mean gore? Yes. Maybe he'll gorge on the blubber. He's going to feed him like crazy. All I know is that Fat Man Santa is playing at two feet on the ground right now.

Yeah, yes. That's pretty embarrassing. All right, Mike, you got two picks. All right, I had to do a quick Google search, and the results are pretty inconclusive. All right, all right. Because the size of this character, according to Google, they're anywhere between three and six feet tall.

Whoa. So I lean on the six feet. I lean on the six feet side. What are you picking? Of things. Oh, I mean, I need some speed, right? I need some speed on the ground. Okay.

I've already got Santa doing his thing, being the commander of this army. Holly jolly. Old St. Nick. But the Easter bunny. Oh. The Easter bunny's coming through anywhere between three and six feet tall. Wait, what? Can you imagine?

You Googled Easter bunnies? Size? I Googled how big is Easter bunny. So this bunny is way bigger than regular bunnies. Oh, yeah. Have you not seen Hop? Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you, Jason. So this is more of a rabbit from Winnie the Pooh-sized rabbit. Can you imagine a six-foot bunny? Oh, those teeth are chompers? At full sprint coming at you? That'd be terrible. That's called a kangaroo. That would be terrifying.

That is actually more scary than I thought terrible that's called a kangaroo that is actually more scary than i thought that's literally a kangaroo the big hind legs can jump i mean yeah no but they don't have the big tail yeah yeah nor a pouch embarrassing that's true that's true just now describing the difference between a bunny and a kangaroo after you said they're the same what magic does the easter bunny have not a lot i'm just gonna ask for the only bunny that can lay eggs that's its magic yeah imagine all how distracted you'll be when the candy's all over the field you can incubate something how me santa's the one that's gonna be distracted yeah it's got a sweet tooth all right so i've got you got the Easter bunny. I got Santa. I got the Easter bunny and uh, man, where do you go when you have those two? I mean so many places, so many

options. Uh, I am going to go, look, you got a, you got – I got Santa. Rudolph was stolen from me. Rudolph was stolen right – the rug was pulled right from underneath me. But you won't stop the terrible twosome. You do not want to get on the wrong side of Mr. and Mrs. Claus. Wait, you're taking Mrs. Claus? You're darn right I'm taking Mrs. Claus. I was about to ask it. When he picked Santa, I was going to say, does she have any magic,

or does she just give you a stern, unwavering glance? Can you imagine the strength of the woman who has to put up with the bull crap of Santa Claus for an entire year? That's a strong woman. Did you just talk down your first pick? Yes, he did. No, no. I just think that he puts out some bull crap.

It's a pretty good... I think someone... He gets really stressed around December. I've got... I think Santa Claus is probably stressed year round. That's just my guess given the job responsibilities. But I'm going with both of them. I'm going with the team. The terrible twosome.

Not what Jason was expecting. Not what I was expecting, but I do like it. It's hard to imagine in a fight going after Mr. and Mrs. Claus. You know what I mean? Yes. I'm going to start with the other team first, and then I'll be like. I don't want to kill you. I really don't want to hurt you.

Thankfully, I got a leprechaun, and he's a psychopath. Okay, so this makes it easy on me because i i knew where i wanted to go um when andy said that he he has the only to his knowledge ranged um mascot here and i'm thinking okay no you don't no you don't you have a bow i have a right to bear arms. I'm talking 4th of July. Uncle Sam. Uncle Sam's over here, and he's fully loaded. Oh, you're not taking them guns away from Uncle Sam. Uncle Sam, the only thing he can do is recruit.

That's right. Well, he wants you to be on my team. And if you switch, if Santa comes over and fights for me. Have we considered that Uncle Sam is just a massive coward? Because all he did was like, I want you to take care of the stuff that I don't want to do. Let me ask you a question. Most powerful military on the earth. Yeah, that's true.

Is it Uncle Sam's? He's a darn good recruiter, my man. Darn good recruiter. He's going to get the most out of this leprechaun, I guarantee it. Wow. And reindeer? Yes. Well, I mean, he's used to riding the cavalry.

You know that. So wait, to be clear, what's your team right now? Right now I got Uncle Sam, Rudolph, and a leprechaun. And so I have to make... I like it. I have to make a... I like what you're building over there. I shared a picture of Uncle Sam in our Slack channel, and he is certainly bearing arms in that one.

Okay. My two picks. Uncle Sam's scared of bunnies. I'm just going to throw that out there for the voters at home. I want to be clear about something. I want... I need a posse. I need a group of people, and they all come together when you get the conniving, creative, innovative, hardworking elves.

I'm taking some of Santa's elves. I wondered if it would be a few of them, and my heart says yes. It would be a few. It's not, heart says yes. It would be a few. It's not, hey, it's Santa's elf. No, I've never heard of that. And if they're not getting paid what they deserve, this is going to be the rebellion. Which they are not. Oh, no.

They're going to take it out on Mr. and Mrs. Claus for sure. This is a rebellion. And so I've got the elves. I joined Cupid and the Headless Horseman. Horseman leads them into battle. They come behind him running full speed. Oh, no. It's the meat shield of the elves.

You just send them out there. That's probably true. They're pawns. You have a very short team right now. Well, the Headless Horseman's very large. And he's on a horse. If there's one thing that I need to close the team out, it's going to close the team out,

it's going to be the counterpunch to the Christmas spirit. Oh, no. And I'm going to take the demon. Oh, no, you are not. That is Krampus. No, that's what's going to be my pick. I'm taking Krampus, and he's going to go to town? I mean, he's the evil demon of Christmas. Yes, but.

He eats kids. He might be a goat. I don't know what he is. So you're saying that for your team that has a baby shooting arrows and like real tiny elves that kind of look like they

might be children. You're going to get the magical creature that eats children. Better me than you guys getting them. Better me. You draft them and he's definitely. It was done. If Jason got Krampus, your elves are fully canceled out. They're getting. So, you know what?

Krampus is. And he's a hungry fellow. He's not Santa's brother, right? Gone bad? I don't think so. Some people say he's almost his brother. Is that where it is? I don't know the true tale of Krampus.

America's really lacking some Krampus. Krampus is... I'm fine with that. He's a very big story over in Europe. Santa and Krampus, they go to the houses together, and the well-behaved kids, they get the gifts, and the misbehaving kids, they unfortunately are eaten. Yeah, and then the U.S. parents are like,

oh, we've got to edit this down. You get a lump of coal. And then meanwhile, the hardcore Germans are like, you get eaten by the Krampus. Was that a direct quote? That was the Austrian version. Apparently, I was going to say, Arnold Schwarzenegger's German now. So it's the Austrian version. Cupid, Headless Horseman, El Schwarzenegger's German now. So, it's the Austrian version.

Cupid, Headless Horseman, Elves, and Krampus. Jason, your final pick. All right, look. I'm off to a hot start. Okay. According to me. According to me, my team is great. But I realized that we've talked a lot about battle and strategy and how we would approach how we would approach um such

things if we were to go into the hunger games and here i am realizing that step one was to hide step one is to oh no wait for oh man wait to be seen and i think we gotta to take we got to get the shadows out of the dome Andy yeah no shadows allowed if I see that shadow Punxsutawney Phil's going right back in that hole baby you're never catching my groundhog Punxsutawney he will wait us out he I will wait you out I'll come up I'll see your shadow see you later see. See you in a year. Oh, my gosh. You're just waiting him out. He'll be the last one. Everyone will kill themselves, and he'll come up, see no shadows, and say, I win.

What a pick. Yeah, thank you. It's tremendous. Mike, you can close us out. No more Claus family allowed. Before we did this, it was like, can we make a list that is large enough? Right. To really like to have a good time, get enough picks.

And it was, oh, this is no problem. But here you are. Here I am with the last pick of the draft and I'm looking at my list. It's not great. Not feeling good. There's not a lot of options. There's not a lot of options. And at this point, I got to go with the full sympathy, empathy.

I know this is a battle royale to the death. But how are you going to feel when on this team? Like your little naked man at least has a weapon. Mine's just sitting here doing nothing, just being adorable. I will take the New Year's baby and he's just going to sit there and he's going to say are you a monster? Are you a monster of a human being?

And then he'll be eaten by Krampus immediately. You literally just drafted cookies. You drafted a treat for the demon. I forgot you drafted the baby eater. No! You have fueled Krampus.

Your last two picks is grandma and a baby. Maybe Mr. and Mrs. Claus could make some more treats for Krampus. It fell apart. It did. You were out.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, no. You fed my teeth. Yeah, but maybe I'll distract him long enough. Oh, my gosh. All right. Well, we finished it up. I mean, there were some other picks out there.

There was Frosty the Snowman, right? Mm-hmm. I was worried about the sunlight. I didn't know how this goes because it's not really a holiday, but certainly the Tooth Fairy is like, you know. It sort of fits in. She's friends with all these people. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, they have the same recreational sports. I wonder, Jack Frost was also a pick. Yeah. But the range of what Jack Frost was was very wide. Yeah, and I had Father Time. St. Valentine, St. Patrick. I don't know what they're doing. Yeah, I have no idea.

Probably more than the baby. Oh, the baby's looking so cute. Poor thing. So cute. I feel bad for it. Krampus doesn't. Poor thing. I feel bad for it. Krampus doesn't. All right.

Let's go ahead and close this thing out. What did we learn today? I learned that you can just drop poop on people in their backyards, and that's A-okay. You're not going to have to even give them a free flight. There will definitely not be repercussions for this. No. Boop-shoot.

Mike, what did you learn today? I know I learned that Jason would excel at the Hungry Games and that the Easter Bunny is enormous, much larger than I thought. Yes, I learned you should not mime brushing your teeth on a video podcast. Check the tape. That's going to do it for the Spitballers podcast. See you later. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. What a gas that episode was.

My face hurts from smiling. So good. Do you remember when this episode started and we were talking about like joining the spit? Yeah. That was like 60 minutes ago, something like that. And I remember when I was listening, I was like, oh, I got to remember to do that. I got to remember to go to jointhespit.com.

I want to support the show. I want to get the episodes early. This is really for me. Yeah. So I'm going to go right now to jointhespit.com and who knows? Maybe I'll see you there.