Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 177: Squatter's Rights & The Best Places To Take A Nap - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

On today’s show, we talk about fried squirrels, slippery butter, and slapping our face on some currency. We also have another run-in with our local wizard in The Situation Room. We close things down with a draft of the best places to take a nap. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, spit wads, you know we are on a mission to make Mondays great. That's why we release every week on a Monday to make the world a brighter, better place. But you want to know what's better than a Monday? What's that, Jason? Fridays, bro. Yeah, Fridays is great. And if you want early access to the shows and you want to support this great show, you can go to jointhespit.com, get early access, add free shows, and we will love you more at jointhespit.com.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh yeah! I was just trying to go with like a classic. I mean, I like the classic. You like the standards? I like the wordless. So you go crazy with da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, it was the Louis Armstrong growl in the voice. There was no growl, was there? Check the tape, my man. I couldn't really reflect on it because I was a little startled.

You started so loudly that I was a little taken back, and then I was reacting, and maybe I missed the growl. Huh? How's that? Welcome to the Spitballers. Would you rather the Situation Room and a spectacular draft on today's episode of the show? Thank you for subscribing, reviewing.

I was trying to figure out how could i work in a uh uh a honk shoe because my youngest a honk suit i don't even know i know well it would have been it would have been a very inside joke uh between just me and my family because uh my youngest when he makes like a pretend sound the pretend sleeping sound for For some reason, it's honk shoe. When he's trying to fake you out? Yeah, it's like, it's the fake snore, but instead of a,

it's honk shoe. Oh, no, it sounds like a sleeping person. Yes. So that's a big laugh. Has your littlest ever seen someone sleep? I don't know.

Someone pretend to sleep. So that would have been a really cool inside joke between you and him in the intro? Yeah. You missed that chance. I did. You did. But now he's been mentioned in his, and everyone else, just close your eyes. Honk shoo. Honk shoo.

There, you're asleep. See, now it makes sense because we're drafting the best places to nap. Yes. So it was going to be a tie-in. Did you not realize what was happening? It's not just an inside joke. It's also just...

It makes some sense. Yeah, of course. Everything I do makes sense on some level. Some sense. Maybe you're not on my level and it doesn't make sense to you. Sounds like an artist. on my level and it doesn't make sense to you.

Sounds like an artist. Would you rather? Would you rather wake up and have forgotten who you are or forgotten who everyone else is? Jack from the website

submitted this one. Interesting. Forget who you are or who everyone else is jack from the website submitted this one interesting forget who you are or who everyone else is now see this one i have an issue with this question really it feels paradoxical because you think who you are is based upon the relationships and the that you have. Both directions. How do you forget who you are and know who everyone else is? How would you be able to know who they are without relation to who you are? Do you see what I'm saying?

I do. No, but there's definitely things like I can remember I wake up. He has forgotten everything. I was trying to think like but you can wake up in your house and you're like okay this is my spouse these are my children but like what who am I as far as like what do I like what do I like who what foods do I eat you know what is my temperament i feel like if these are things you lose if you don't know who you are yes exactly i feel like

if you don't remember who you are that's like that's a chance to start everything over now i realize the paradoxical nature of this i do completely move beyond that i think that there's a philosophical side and that's where i am and that's basically saying how much do you love yourself because the way that i see this is like if you're pretty if you you know would you rather forgotten who you are which is like i don't want to forget who i am i'm pretty happy with who i am or forget everyone else um you know it's like man would i go through life not knowing what is what the celebrity that i am okay oh yes that's tough that's very very j-list celebrity um what which one's more of a nightmare scenario just like right off the bat, you wake up and-

Others. The other people? Yeah, because- That's where I am too. You're freaking out at that point. Yeah, because it doesn't matter. You can know everything about yourself, but if you don't know who anybody else is, that is a horror movie.

That is, I mean, you're just surrounded by strangers and- You're probably naked. I assume I just woke up, right? So a la mode. Oh, no. And then I don't know these people. This woman should not be able to. And they're all trying to convince you that, no, no, no, no, no.

We're your family. You're like, yeah, sure you are. Yeah. Sure you are strange people. Nice one, sport. Yeah, that one would be absolutely terrifying, but not knowing who you are would also be absolutely terrifying. So they're both horrible.

I mean, if you wake up and don't know who you are, that is more disturbing. Okay, quick question. Does anyone really know who you are? You mean, like, do you really know yourself? I know who I am. Other people might not know who I am. Do you? That's enough. I can who I am. Other people might not know who I am. Do you? That's enough.

I can keep repeating it. That's enough with that. That's enough. I think that there's something there, Mike. I think maybe we don't really know ourselves. The older I get, the more I realize I don't know who I am. The more I wish I didn't know you. Yeah, you're right.

Okay, quick question. Is there an option to forget who Mike is? In this philosophical, I wake up, I know who I am, I don't know who anybody else is. Right. Does that give you carte blanche to move on? I mean, do you have to make a new family? Oh.

Like, I don't know. This is a Hallmark movie where you have to re-fall in love with your family yeah but see that's what always happens is like oh you're supposed to still live no one ever just leaves but why wouldn't you leave them though why wouldn't there nobody to you right i mean the whole thing of like i wake up with amnesia and then i'm living with this stranger who says she's my wife i don't know i i don't know that you're telling the truth or not and it doesn't matter evidence i don't care if you show me a picture i don't know who you are i shouldn't sleep in the same bed with you i don't know you know so it's one of those like

i feel like you you might have to find new family you you're just gonna have to look if i wake up and i don't remember my family and they're're like, no, really, where are you from? I'm like, I know myself. Three children was not on the docket. You're a liar. Peace. There's no way I ever would have agreed to this. Look, I will audition.

I will let you have first right at this audition. First right of refusal. Yes, first right of refusal. You say you're my family i'll give you a chance and if you hold auditions for a new family you are good enough because i know who i am and i'm pretty important if you are good enough then i will accept you as my family if not okay i'm putting a shout out to you know yeah yeah roll a public yeah like call like an audition yeah it's like just treat me to the perfect day of my standards oh my god and we'll we'll go from there so i'm clearly taking uh

myself sorry i don't remember anybody else spectacular all right matt from patreon would you rather have every friday off or a full week off every other month oh Oh. Okay. Okay. Every Friday off. So four-day work weeks. That's pretty nice. Uh-huh. We did that for a while. Yeah.

And it was pretty nice. It was pretty nice. It wasn't as good for the company. No, no. Back in the day, a different company, we were reading some things and thought, you know know we'll get more work out of maximizing our time we'd go to a four-day work week right um and it turned out what happened was we got about four days worth of work instead of five days worth of work i will tell you this as your employee though i think the morale was way up oh sure The morale was way up until we all lost our jobs.

Right. Due to the lack of work. Yeah, I was going to say, it didn't go very well. Morale plummeted. At the loss of jobs. At the loss of jobs. So we never should have gone away. So would you rather have peak morale for a year or like medium morale for a career?

Now, alternatively, a full week off. Is that how that math's out the same then basically? No, you actually get more time off if you do the Fridays. Yeah, okay. Way to not make that even. Well, I mean, but that's the point is you get an entire week. So like every other month, that's a lot like vacation good amount because the the hardest part five times a year of vacations is is timing did you just say yeah five times a year was every other month this is wait

every other month is five times a year no andy let's make it six yes let's make it six there are not 10 months he woke up and he couldn't remember how many months were in a year no andy let's make it six yes let's make it six there are not 10 months he woke up and he couldn't remember how many months were in a year i wasn't gonna let that one go you saw it on your own face you're like wait a minute there's a five we were talking we were jiving yeah so so six math full weeks off a year so what i was saying That's a lot. The hardest part of vacations is just timing them up so that it works for everybody. Right? I mean, your work is a part of it, but even take them out. If you've got a family, the kids, they have school and holidays.

Do you actually, when you can go on the trip, do you want to? Because everybody else is on the on the trip do you want to because everybody else is on vacation on that day and you know they're going to be all up in your vacation space ruining things so if you had one week off every two months i think that's an easy slam dunk yes for me even though technically i get more days off if i do the fridays now the the problem and you even you even said it is that if you want to go on vacation like half the year my kids are in school so I can have this

off from work but that doesn't mean they get it off. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. That's a good thing. Oh I see what you're saying. Yeah you wink wink you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. You know when you go on a vacation from your family you're like I need to take a vacation

from my vacation. Me time. Six weeks is a ton. I feel like that's better. It is. I think I would want that. I feel like if I had a three-day weekend every single week, massive weekends, it's going to take me all Monday before I'm back in work mode.

Like, pretty much I'm back in work mode on Tuesday. Wednesday, I'm working. Thursday, it's like I'm almost to the weekend. I will get nothing done. It's a two-day work week. It's a two-day work week because Monday and Thursday are really weekend focused here. Because my weekend's pretty cool. My weekend's pretty cool?

My weekend's pretty cool. It's three pretty cool? My weekend's pretty cool. It's three to five days every week. I got to plan it out. I don't want to waste it. Yeah, I have to go with the five to six weeks off every other month. All right. It fluctuates depending on how many months there is. How many months in this year?

Ten months. Ten months in the year 10 10 months 10 months in the year um the earth went real fast yes thank you tina from patreon would you rather own one cat or 12 dogs all right so this question must be specific to us if we take it seriously right because i just want to go dogs give me 100 dogs over a demon cat but if we actually take it seriously this is a very difficult question yeah allergies notwithstanding that's that that's the give me the hairless uh the cat i i feel like i can own the naked cats yeah, the naked cats? Yeah, I mean, for the allergy's sake, I'm going to have to go with the hairless demon cat. But, I mean, a cat, does anybody own a cat or does the cat own you?

I mean, you don't do anything with it, right? Right. You house a cat. You house a cat. You are the Airbnb for the cat. They are just using your residence to live in. You certainly do not have any control over it. You're like, hey, kitty cat, you know the bill?

We got to square up on this mortgage here. Yeah, and then he poops in the litter box and it's over. Poops in the litter box says squatters rights. Oh, that's right. I live here. Try to kick me out. I mean, but 12 dogs is too many. That's way too many dogs.

Can they all be outdoor dogs? Here? It doesn't matter. Not here. It doesn't even... You'll have six dogs. You'll have 12 dead dogs. Yeah, you'll have 12 carcasses.

Not in Arizona. Yeah, you can't have full-time outdoor dogs in Arizona. You don't think they have those? Oh, they do for sure, but... it's just not good for the dogs. Not for 12. That's a lord of the flies out there. I guess I'll go one cat then, one hairless cat. 12 dogs, the biggest problem to me is the barking.

Right, right, right. My dogs don't bark much. They really don't. I don't have a yappy dog. But when the doorbell rings, they bark. They say, someone here they run to the door bark bark bark and and we got a new what do they say they go bark bark bark um and we got a new puppy uh about a month or two ago and she was just quiet never makes a sound never never yapped never did anything and my two existing dogs have taught her to bark when the

doorbell rings so now she's in on it and i know i mean the crowd of 12 dogs that'd be very loud when they all are trying to bark over one another and prove their alpha dominance oh man you i couldn't even imagine you have to take a cat here. You have to. Yeah, I agree. It's just selfish. It all comes down to allergies. I'm sure if I did not have allergies to cats, I would be perfectly fine with them because I like all animals. I just don't like animals that I'm allergic to because they make me feel bad.

For the record, I do not have allergies. Oh, you just don't like cats. I do not like cats. Have you ever had a cat? I have had a cat once. Growing up, we had a cat. What was the cat's name? How did it taste?

Oh, gosh, I don't remember. You ate the cat? Oh, I thought you said, did you have a cat? We ate the cat? Oh, I thought you said, did you have a cat? No, we did actually have a dead cat in our backyard freezer. Oh, no. Because my mom was in nursing school.

A cult. A cult where they love to just have cat carcasses. No, but apparently she had to do stuff for biology or anatomy. Oh, to dissect it? Yeah. A bit of an out there sentence is, I did have a dead cat in the freezer. There's not a lot of opportunity to share that about myself. What is the-

It's a fun fact. Statute of limitations on admitting that you have a dead cat in your- Well, this was for educational reasons. Never mind the fact that it was your neighbor's cat at one point. I'm just saying what if it wasn't? There has to be a statute of limitations if you took the life of a cat. Yeah. It's not a lifetime murder charge.

It's a couple days. A couple days? Well, it's a cat, so I mean, no... You know, I understand. It's a cat. And I know there's a, you know, I understand. It's a cat. And I know there's a lot of people out there. They probably throw you a parade, don't they? There are a lot of people out there that love their cats.

And if you're listening and you love, if you love your cat, we still love you. And it's hard, but we are super full of grace here. Is Brooks in the building right now? He is, but he did just step out. Probably to feed his cat. Brooks has had a cat. He wants to get another cat. Now, I will say this.

The nicest thing I will ever say about a cat. We went up to a cabin, an Airbnb, ironically. I think this was the actual owner of the Airbnb. The cat? The cat. You were at the cabin? Ironically, I think this was the actual owner of the Airbnb. The cat? The cat. And there was a wild cat in the woods that came up on the porch. And this was the coolest cat I've ever seen. It would just come right up to you.

You could call it over. She'd come over. I mean, I guess there are cool cats. Or kittens. Of course there's cool cats. Cool cats and kittens. But they're just, the percentage chance that you get a good one is so low. Here's the problem with a cat.

Let's say I've fallen down a well. What does the cat do? Does the cat go barking and go get another person to come save me like Lassie would have? She rips your curtains up. She goes, oh yeah, now's my time. That's what happened. Do they have, like, service cats? No, there's never been a Lassie show with a cat.

Well, I know there's never been a television show, but, well, there was the cat in Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and that cat could get stuff done, and with cool, sarcastic wit. But wasn't that an actual person that was just in cat form? I don't know. I think that's Banks from Hocus Pocus. miss mcgonigal or that too yeah there's a lot of cat people is there ever been can you do a service cat i will it will a cat i don't think so like maybe a tiger could you imagine you know how there's they're seeing eye dogs right like that

help the blind get around it's amazing the brilliance of these dogs. Somehow we have communicated well enough with them to teach them how to teach us what our surroundings are. Could you imagine a trial with cats? It would have not gone well. These poor people in need of sight would have been led astray by cats, and the cats would do it on purpose. I'm not saying they're not intelligent. I'm saying they hate humanity.

Legally, a cat cannot be acknowledged as a service animal. That tells you everything you need to know. That tells you everything. Well, that just tells you the power of Big Dog. The marketing campaign? Yeah, they're out there. Jesse from Twitter, would you rather have- Of course cats cannot do this.

Would you rather- Only dogs. Have your face on a $100 bill or be the face of an iconic brand? Ooh. So- It's all about the hollow ways? So you're on currency. I could be on currency.

I mean, I feel like the $100 bill, while novel, I mean, not a lot of bills are getting. No. I mean, we're moving away from them. Well, you're moving away from restaurants, but they don't want them. No. There's always signs up. We do not take $100. We don't take your $100 bill.

Get out of here. So, I mean, yeah, you'd have, that'd be a really neat thing to be able to say, but the face of an iconic brand. It's like an ID check, sir. Who are you? Check. Let me show you who I am. Snap your hundred.

I mean, that would be cool, but. See, I feel like. Do you even know who's on all the bills, Jason? I know Benjamin, right? Isn't that the point? That's it. Nope. Here we go.

Jason. $1 bill. Washington. $5 bill. Lincoln. $10 bill. Alexander Hamilton. Thank you, hamilton the musical 20 this is hold on uh jefferson no oh justin jefferson the football player yes. I don't even have another guess. Is it Grant?

No. Who is it? Jackson. Oh, I was right. Oh, I always forget there's a $50 bill. Oh, I mean. So you know all these, Mike. I do. Oh, that's Grant.

Yes. Oh, so I had him. You had just the wrong bill, but $2 bill. Ooh. For a bonus. these mike i do oh that's grant yes oh so i had them you you had a just wrong bill but two dollar bill oh yeah bonus oh i almost said susan b anthony but she's on the the dollar right i i can't remember where they're moving her um no no like they were gonna they were gonna susan i think she's going on the 20 no she she was on the the the coin the coin they're they're i think they're replacing the 20 because it turns out that jackson was terrible human being. That's what I was wondering. I was going to bring it up. I've always heard bad things about Jackson.

The dude's a mass murderer. What? Oh, man. I didn't know that. So, yeah. Susan B. Anthony was on the old silver dollars. Okay. Saka Jaway is on the golden dollars.

I can't remember who they're going to put on the 20. But anyways, $2 bill. Could be you, Jay. Yeah. Edison. No, it's Jefferson. Oh, dang it. So we had...

Why wouldn't we have pivoted Jefferson to the 20? He's getting the raw deal with the non-used too. I don't know. I will say... Who's going to be on the new 20? I will say this. This exercise has proven to me the value of being on the $100 bill. They're not making songs about being on the $20 bill.

Like, oh, Harriet Tubman. That's who they talk about putting on the $20. It's all about the Benjamins. That's right. And when your brand fades out, because what brand really has lasted the test of time, the Benjamin's been around for a long time. It's going to be around for a long time later. Money't go cash is not gonna completely poof disappear for at least another

100 200 years and i'm going on the bill i want i mean that is of course amazing yeah oh yeah i mean when we when we actually go full digital currency if If slash when, whatever. Shouldn't we have an actual photo representation? I don't know. But what's the purpose of that? I guess, because you just divide it up, and you're like, I need this partial of whatever the currency is. I mean, wasn't the dollar bill at one point a paper display for the gold that was backed up by the government? I believe so. They issue you this piece of paper that says you have this much gold.

So maybe the digital currency will be backed up by paper. You have to have enough of those hundreds in the background to issue this cryptocurrency. I mean, I guess it kind of is that way. It kind of is. I've got so much paper. We have digital currency now. Correct. That's not really backed up by your... You don't have your dollars sitting in the local bank.

Correct. Yeah. Alright. Well, I didn't mean to go down this rabbit hole. I will say one other thing, though, about being on the $100 bill. Andy has such a better last name for it. I mean, all about the Holloways. Yeah, you need the three-syllable name. Yeah, I mean, all about the Moors.

Yeah. That just sounds like a good Christmas movie. You know what I mean? It doesn't sound like I'm on a $100 bill. This Christmas, it's all about the Moors. And it's just you guys with a bunch of haphazard and hijinks. Whoa! Less is more this Christmas.

Oh, there you go. There it is. That's it. All right, we're moving on. Spitwads, are you the kind of person who falls asleep already thinking about the next morning's coffee? I know you guys are. I feel like you both have, when I'm speaking to Mike and Jason, of course, you've both found a renewed love of coffee, maybe? Oh, my word.

I mean, Mike, you've always been in on it, but now you've just renewed that love of the roasted bean. Because of real coffee. Yes, and real coffee from trade is what you're talking that is what i'm talking about uh every cup of coffee should be the best ever and trade's goal is to do that so what do you do you take a little coffee quiz maybe you use a french press maybe you're an automatic drip fella maybe you're a cold brew person you just answer a few questions and they will match you with 400 plus craft coffees. That's a lot of coffee.

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with their own personalized gift coffee subscription from trade enjoy the situation realm here comes a new situation from the worldwide web on twitter that's the name of the person. Oh. You just finished grilling some expensive Wagyu steaks for the family when you notice a hideaway squirrel has been freshly cooked beneath the grate. Okay. Do you throw away the steaks?

But it's fresh. Or serve them to the family and take the secret to your grave? So, Al al can you clarify this for me yep so there there was a hideaway squirrel beneath the grate correct and you didn't know it was there your grill was his airbnb if you will okay okay and so you grilled it up now did you i need to know this did you had it passed before I grilled it or did I grill it to death? No way to know, but it. No way to know.

You just found out that you. You see a squirrel under your meat. You go to take your steak off and underneath the grill is, oh, no, there's a squirrel in my grill. Right. So this is like it would be, you know, the coals, except for, you know, there's a squirrel down there. And you decide to yourself, you're deciding, is this dangerous? That's what I'm figuring out. Oh, it's not dangerous.

Is there? So if you cook. But this thing is fried to a crisp because it was right down at the. Yeah. Even better. I'm serving the steak. No problem. Oh, you're darn right.

I'm serving the steak. A fire is fire, man. Fire is fire. No problem. Oh, you're darn right. I'm serving the steak. A fire's fire, man. A fire's fire.

I'm going to take a real close look at the flavor and see if I found something unique and special here. Doubt it. I doubt it as well. I'm guessing it's going to taste- Oh, like it could turn into this was- Maybe that's- The secret ingredient is squirrel. Is that mesquite?

No. It's not mesquite. Not mesquite no it's not mesquite not mesquite at all uh cherry wood try again applewood squirrel um squirrel wood so um yeah i mean i the reality is um you know i don't think i could hurt how could it hurt i don't think it could hurt it i was gonna say like wagyu fillets are very expensive you don't want to waste that meat but if these were walmart burgers i'd be like okay well let me i've cooked hold on let me see where the line is okay because i think we all said we'd eat the meat yeah but there has to be some line in which you are burning something so foul to use as the kindling for the meat that you wouldn't eat the meat, right?

Yes. If I found out someone took a dump in my grill. The line is not another animal. I would assume the squirrel did take several dumps in there. On the way out. He's been living there for a while. I mean, obviously it's dirty, but how do you kill bacteria? Pigeon poop on there.

You know what I mean? That's how you kill a lot of bacteria. Yeah, but it's moving upwards. It's getting on the bottom of your meat. I think it's still sanitary. You'd cook a Wagyu steak in some poop? No, not just actual poop. So why is the poop bad and then and the squirrel you've

seen a squirrel turds real small oh no but a human turd well no that's the line that's the line but why i'm trying to understand why that's the line is it the mental knowledge that you cooked with poop it's the or is it the it's the mental knowledge that there are poop particles on my steak i'm about to eat that is as... As opposed to squirrel particles. Look, there's... Okay, now... Now you see where I'm going? No, I still have a different question. Alright. You find the turd. Do you just serve the steaks and

withhold? What, you keep the turd to yourself? No, no, no. As in, you're just like, enjoy and you're like, ah, I'm just gonna eat something else. Ooh, do you not eat, but you serve it? If you serve it, you cannot say. That I know.

If you serve it, you are not ever telling your secret. My fear, and I'm going to be honest here. I want to expose, be transparent. My biggest fear is just that they would know. And so my fear of serving it would be, is it going to taste like poop? To be fair, I'm not sure most people know. I don't know what poop tastes like.

That's what I'm saying. But I know what a steak tastes like. And if I'm eating a steak and I take this bite and I go, oh, what happened? I don't want to serve something that just tastes rotten. You know what I mean? That's very big of you. All right. We got it.

Dan, the man from the website. Great news. You've been cast on a new season of Ultimate Tag. Okay. You even get to pick your own catchphrase however due to a recent carry gold sponsorship deal with the network your catchphrase phrase must include the word butter what catchphrase are you picking now is this something i don't know about oh you don't know ultimate tag i don't know ultimate tag and i don't know what this catchphrase thing is well number one ultimate tag is they set

up like a pretty small like a 20 by 20 area or so. They put a whole bunch of obstacles in there, and then they play tag. Okay. And it's actually like- It's exciting to watch? It's exciting to watch for small periods of time. Yeah. There is only so much Ultimate Tag you can consume.

Do they dive over obstacles? Yes. These people go after it. Parkour. Yeah, a lot of parkour and it's just it's fun to watch for a little bit and the sponsorship they're just saying that it's kerry gold a butter brand yeah this is that's dinner butter is it wonderful butter that's just like a catchphrase for you as a yes the first thing comes to mind for me oh i know mine i know

mine oh wow we're that we're there the contestants just so you know when they're announcing them, it's very like gladiator-ish. It's really over-dramatized. They have like costumes. I would just tell everyone, you better deal with it. Yeah. Oh, Jason Moore. You better deal with it. I was going to go with a you better run.

Oh. Oh, that's good. See, I guess I messed up catchphrase with my name, which would be the slippery butter. Oh, you want to name yourself. I was going to name myself. Like Andy the Slippery Butter Holloway. So Andy is you'll never catch me.

I'm Slippery Butter. That is where I was going. Oh, man. Did you see the new ultimate Tag with the slippery butter? It doesn't quite hit the way I thought it would upstairs. You ever tried to hold melted butter? Impossible. Yeah, I feel like being slippery would be a key attribute in some tag.

Well, the problem is even if you're slippery and you get tagged, you're still tagged. You're still tagged. But if you're slippery, you could dive through some of those obstacles at bla right at blazing speed part of the problem with ultimate tag there's all these obstacles these bars that they hop over under go around and they never run into them and that's i've seen oh have you yes there was a clip i've seen someone essentially run full speed into a bar that's like that's what i've been waiting for just high how did that end up they go down like a sack of potatoes i mean they're running yeah full speed they are i mean just imagine you're out sprinting and someone hits you with a bar that's that's what this would be like

and um you know i wish them the best but i want to i want to if it's gonna happen you want to watch it should be captured for my entertainment. I think that even about myself. If I fall, I'm getting out of the shower or something, and my floor is slippery, and I eat it like a banana peel. I'm like, oh, man, I wish that there was video just because if I'm going to hurt myself. Right. Like when I threw a pass to Al in the back of the. Right.

Yes. And then he just toppled over. Right. Like a sack of potatoes. Like when I threw a pass to Al in the back of the. Right. Yes. And then he just toppled over. Right. Like a sack of potatoes. Like a baby giraffe. Like someone with lead boots on who was running all too heavy. That was a long time ago. And I'm far less athletic now.

That's true. You wouldn't have been running nearly as fast, which is what made it extra delightful. I could fall way harder this time. fast, which is what made it extra delightful. I could fall way harder this time. Have you seen the balloon game inside of that

environment where you know you have to keep the balloon up and people dive over stuff like that? Yeah, it essentially just is a game that we all played as kids. You've got to keep the balloon up and you'll try to hit it in such a way that your opponent will not be able to reach it in time and keep it airborne but i mean if you

know if you've ever hit a balloon almost always it goes upward like if you if you smack it right like the spin just sends it up and yes they've so ultimate tag is very similar to that where they just have a bunch of crap around. Sounds entertaining for a minute. Exactly. All right. Your local wizard spent some time taking online coding courses during quarantine. He has developed several apps and has graciously offered you a free download of whichever app you choose. Which one do you want?

Okay, three choices. An app that translates all animal speech to English. That's awesome. Seems like it would be incredible. Number two, a camera that can take a photo 24 hours into the future. Oh, I'm rich. That seems incredible. Are you?

Yeah, I'm taking photos of game scores. Yeah, he is. If you take a photo of the court. Oh, okay, okay, okay. And then number three, a keyboard that can read your mind instead of typing. If you take a photo of the court. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. And then number three, a keyboard that can read your mind instead of typing. So you just think it. No, that's no.

That one's out. That one's. Yeah, that one's out because that one's coming. Well, even if it's coming, like I thought when I was a kid, I thought the talk to type was going to revolutionize the universe. It was going to be the most important thing ever. People would just talk. You won't need to know how to type. You know what I mean?

Like, home row is stupid because we'll just talk. No, I wanted to write books as a kid. I'll just write them by talking. We got all that now. Nobody uses it. Because you don't write the way you talk. No, and you can't think the right way. Correct.

right the way you talk like no and you can't think the right way correct like every if if i used talk to speech every single month talk to speech or talk to sorry talk to translate your talk to text every everywhere every sentence i spoke would begin with and or but yeah no speak but blah blah blah blah blah blah but and it has delete you'll like have delete written out and like period you gotta figure it's smart enough to to go but can you can you think fast enough the punctuation is part of the problem now i assume this is the local wizards so it's all gonna work great that's true my issue is that that, like, I know that there will never be an app that will take a photo 24 hours in the future. And there will never be an app that will translate animal speak to English. I have my fear with that one.

I have a big fear. With what? I have a fear I'm going to opt into the app to allow me to translate animal speak to English. And they're going to be so stupid that this is not going to be a real conversation. Yes, maybe we understand each other, but they're so dumb that they're just saying things like,

you know, you finally walk up to the horse and he's just like, hey, Bill. Hey, Bill. Hey, Bill. Hey, Bill. What if it turns out they're way smarter than you thought?

Well, that's great. Then it's like, come on, let's go. They're not, though. No. They're not because then they would not, you know, allow us to just, you know, completely control their lives. Maybe they're just very trusting. Yes, they are very.

See, here's the problem I have with this is like, it's not a two-way conversation. Meat stick, meat stick, meat stick. Exactly. Give me a meat stick exactly give me a meat stick give me a meat stick yum yum yum yum it's like on on up where you know they have the bark translator it's just squirrel because that's what's on his mind but it's not all just that he's a good companion he's a good friend i would prefer that the app translates english into animal speak. If the question was, which it's not, but it is now, would you rather have an app that translates all animal speak to what we could understand or that animals could understand me,

I would definitely take the ability to communicate with an animal. Yeah, my dog doesn't try to talk to me. Right, exactly. But if I could, you know, it's like I tell my puppy, like, no, no, no, we don't go potty inside. We go potty outside. She has no idea why I'm putting her outside. She's like, it's cold out here. But if I could just explain to her what's going on, she could learn so much better.

That's true. You know, I would rather have that. I'll be back in a couple hours. Don't eat everything in the house. See you later. My dog's entire communication is she has this one spot by her door where she just will go and sit down and look at you. Now, this could mean the door's not open. I need to go to the bathroom. This could mean you forgot to feed me.

This could mean my water bowl is empty. But it's the same spot. You have to feed me. This could mean my water bowl is empty. But it's the same spot. You have to determine. It could mean like 10 plus things. And she just sits in the exact same spot. And you're like, I don't know. I've gone through all the lists, dog. What do you need from me?

And she only goes there when she needs something? Yes. Oh, that's funny. Oh, not again. So you need this app. It's like a baby when it's crying. And you're like, oh, no, check the diaper. Or does he need to sleep? It is very much like that, except it's a dog giving you just sad face.

What if the translation once you got it was, I just need some love. I've tried. I'll give her a hug. But if the translation was like, just let me go. Just let me leave. Just let me leave this place. Stop keeping me in your prison. What if we found that out?

We all get that app and then they just go, let me go be with my brothers. Yeah. Where is my family? I've been searching. Yeah, I don't want that app. I don't want that app. Give me the camera that can take a photo 24 hours. I'm going to throw a caveat in there, though, that the camera can't be used for monetary gain.

Then what good is a photo for? Literally, what is the point of a photo from 24 hours into the future? The only thing you would want to see into the future for is for money. The weather? It's going to rain tomorrow. That's true. You just take a picture of the sky every morning? I mean, what practical use would it possibly give me?

The outcome of any scenario. Not really. The day before your wife's going to give birth, you get a preview. I don't know how you would use this. I don't either. Would you take a picture of your grandma every day and then one day she's not there? No. No, I don't want that knowledge

one day ahead of time. It's your last day, Grandma, thanks to this camera. Oh, no. But then is it the last day because it was the last day? Or is it the last day because now you make your grandma

do something stupid? She's like, well, if I always wanted to jump out a plane. The real question is what would have happened if I didn't tell you about the plan. That's what I mean. I just watched The Matrix. I'm totally with you, Mike. I'm taking the app that translates Animal Speak since I can't get

rich off the future. Alright, let's draft. Spread the word, you friggin' turds. Macuber's back mcgruber after rotting in prison for more than a decade america's ultimate hero and uber patriot is released to take on one final mission mcgruber's old nemesis thank you brigadier commanderos Queeth, is intent on destroying the free world. And the U.S. government knows there is only one man that can stop him. With the help of his old team, Vicky St. Elmo and Dixon Piper, MacGruber sets out to save the day one throat rip at a time. Classic MacGruber.

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I think this one's a fun one. We are drafting the best places to take a nap. We are all, you know, we're getting older. Naps are becoming more attractive by the moment. Yes. I'm a pro napper. Pro-fessional. You've probably done all of these you've probably you can speak to the actual um i'll let you know how your draft pick is thank you yeah mike you get to pick first and i mean there are a lot of places to take a

nap and i will say this before we start naps are to me a little mysterious because there is something, at least for me, about not falling asleep on purpose that makes the sleep better. And so when you go to bed at night, you try to go to sleep. When you nap, at least for me, a lot of the times it's the drifting nap. I've had naps where I'm playing in my daughter's room and we're goofing around. She's got the radio on and she's playing. And then I'm laying on the ground and I start to drift. in my daughter's room and we're goofing around she's got the radio on and she's playing and then i'm laying on the ground and i start to drift and that nap that sleep seems sweeter to me really

yeah because it's just like you're not supposed to be doing the forbidden sleep it's the forbidden stolen water tastes sweeter that's right for me for me that's what it is. For me, a nap is roulette every time. Will I wake up refreshed or will I wake up, in fact, even more tired than when I started the nap? There's always a fear of the clock. Because that happens. The clock is like, oh, it's 4 o'clock. I'm so tired. I need a nap. But 4 o'clock is that it's gone too far.

If I nap at 4, I'm never going to wake up and have a refreshed evening. All right. So on my list, I've got a bunch of, like, basic places and then just some, you know, a little bit more off the wall. But I'm going to start it off with the basic because this is absolutely my go-to. I'm just going to start it off with the couch. I love myself a good couch nap um i find that like because because a couch is it's a good place to sleep but it's you you know you're not supposed to sleep there so i at least i i usually wake up 30 minutes maybe an hour if the

nap goes to maximum length but my body still wakes up and says whoa you're on the couch you're not supposed to be here mine doesn't i sleep straight through the night on that one i uh i completely understand starting basic starting regular i cannot believe that this is here at the 102 i mean this was just like this is deleted from the whole conversation because it is the go are you seriously going boring oh you dude i am taking my bed for sure i love napping and where i go to nap every time is my bed how do you not take my bed my bed your naps don't even know if they're sleep or naps my naps are two hours and in my bed. Eight hours. My naps are eight hours. Every night.

No, that is the clear 101. That's a lame pick. That is the best. If this was Family Feud and they're like, best places to take a nap, I promise you when you all say, good answer, good answer, good answer, they would look up and my bed would be number one. Well, you can go lead the generic sheep down the road. That's fine.

Come with me, my friend. It's on my list at the absolute very bottom, just in case I needed an emergency pick because it's so basic and boring. At the very, very tip top. But I guess that's just who you are. Personal attack to finish it. Well, I get two picks now, right? That is correct.

I'm picking the recliner. Okay. The recliner is my number one pick. It's on my list. It's not anywhere near the top, though. It's spectacular. I mean, it's built to slowly put you to sleep. I mean, they rock.

They recline. It's while I'm watching TV, which is like 50% of falling asleep these days. The recliner's my one-on-one. And it's the best sleeping position. Yeah, it's wonderful. Slightly inclined. The slightly inclined is the zero gravity is supposed to be the best position to sleep in. Now, I would have probably taken the couch because if I go horizontal on a couch after 6 p.m., goodbye.

I mean, it's over. Our family routine at this point is let's put on a show and my wife saying five or six times, are you still awake? That's how it works. But for my second pick, and I've had the privilege of doing this a lot because uh um we've got one up north it's the hammock oh it's it's on my very high on my hammock now in the refreshing cool breeze just you're swinging around like you're in the womb man oh there's something just spectacular about that so um and you can even you can cozy up in a hammock you can pull

it over you a little bit it's a great pick until you need to get out well who needs to get out um yeah and there's something wonderful about outside naps as well like yeah breeze oh it's of napping outside is great and i'm sure i'll get there but there are a couple places that i'm that are higher up on my list. And the first one that I've got to take, and I don't think this is even on either of your guys' list. I don't think it's there because I don't think you can do it. Don't say the toilet.

I love a good nap on the toilet. I wake up and I look for the surprise. I call it a twofer. Oh, my goodness. Sorry. That's not on your list. No, no. I don't think you guys nap here. I wonder if you can. And that's

the point is a lot of people can't nap here. I can't wait to hear this. I think I know what it is. It's an airplane. Yep. Because I cannot. You like an airplane nap. You want to sit five hours on a flight. It it is. It's an airplane. Yep. Because. Yeah, I cannot. You like an airplane, Nat. You want to sit five hours on a flight? It's time travel. It's time travel.

It's 100% time travel. Who wants to sit in a chair where you can't do anything for half the time? You're not even allowed to get out of your seat. Just go to bed. I want to, Jason. I want to, too. I can never sleep on a plane it is so delightful a good nap on a plane makes the day of travel totally good so that will be my pick and as one who has uh had several airplane trips with you i can i can't say this is the truth

like we're not even off the tarmac yet. Oh, yeah, man. This dude is out. Dude, airplanes put me to sleep. Jason has fallen asleep in the backseat of our car, leaving. Wait, that's on my list, man. So airplane, yeah, I am jealous of that one. I agree.

I am always paranoid when I think about sleeping on a plane of being asleep and someone needing my attention or something going on. I'm always worried about it. They'll wake you. Yeah, they will. Or I start drooling. I always worry about the snoring. Yeah, you do. There's two worries.

The snoring, and that's just for people who snore, so that's not for everybody. But the farting, that's for everybody. Wait, that's something you actively worry about? Yeah, people fart in their not for everybody. But the farting. That's for everybody. That's something you. Oh, everybody. You actively worry about. Yeah. People fart in their sleep for sure. That's something your doctor told you to make you feel better. Nope.

You do. And you don't want to fart. Farting on a plane is for monsters. That is literally for the worst. It's not a matter of hearing. It's making 10 other people ingest my fart. But no one will know if you're asleep i would if i were on a plane and and got the whip i would and i would never first class if i'm in first

class i better not get those farts well i'm just saying i would never look at the person sleeping oh that's the first one the culprit that's the first one i'm judging i would never i'm looking at them going yep they couldn't control it all All right. So I've got the couch. The next place, I'm going to take a couple expensive naps. Oh, dang it. So the first one that I'm going to take, and I fought sleeping in this place for many years of my life, and I went to one picture show in particular and i just made the decision this thing sucks no i said it's my dream i'm like this movie is awful and i'm tired you

know what i'm gonna pay for a nap i'm just going to sleep and it was sensational i woke up the credits were rolling. My kids had a great time because they were entertained for two hours. I got a refreshing nap, so I'm taking the movie theater. Oh, that's good. Just embrace the movie theater nap. Parents out there, I get it. You may not want to pay for it.

Totally worth it. Totally worth it. I thought I'd get that with my last pick because i am famous for doing that oh i'm i'm all in on it now but when you lean into it oh you go quick well the thing is is you don't nap through great movies right like it's not you're not missing something great the only time you're gonna nap is when that movie can't hold your attention yes it says rockabye baby um so yeah i i i like pick. I'm a little bit worried about this next one. I had one on my list that would have been my one-on-one if the one-on-one didn't drop

and then would have been over the airplane. Let's hear your third. Okay. Well, my third pick, unfortunately, it costs even more money than the movie theater. Oh, I know which one this is too. This is like an uncontrollable one. You've talked about the drift. Yes.

And it's when you are getting yourself a fantastic massage. No! No! He's done it to me after you. Dang it. See, that one's even harder because you are paying to not be asleep there. But it is awesome. Like, I have had, because I am such a proponent of the massage just the relaxing

swedish massage and eventually you your brain goes into this area where you're not asleep and you are definitely not awake and you are just the only thing i can compare it to is like i feel like my brain is transported and i am soaring through the universe because everything at, at, in those moments of time, everything makes sense. And the second you snap out of it, you, you realize you were just thinking googly glop and you have like, it was just nonsense, nonsense out there. But you, you snap back. You're like, Oh, I am refreshed.

I am ready to take on the day. Oh my gosh. There is there. there isn't another nap like it correct that is very correct it is it is a full transportation into an ethereal realm you go to the astral plane and there are only two worries snoring and farting, my man. That is the worry on the massage table because there's no out there. There's no one else to blame, my friend. The face down position of the massage not only is super conducive to snoring, but it's also very unfortunate for farting.

Yeah. When you get done with your massage nap, do you ask for like three quarters of the money back? Oh, no, you don't understand. They have, you should pay more. They have just taken you to a whole new world. All right, what's your next pick, Jason? Oh, man. It was the massage table.

So Mike has couch, movie theater, and a massage. I have recliner, hammock. You have bed and airplane. Dang it, man. I thought for sure that would get back to me which is why I didn't pick it over airplane but it's a way better pick you know what would have gotten back to you bed

that shouldn't have gotten past the 101 I will fight you on that okay so here's where I'm going I am going with a wonderful location that we all like. It's beautiful.

We talk about the breeze. I'm outside. I said I'd pick an outside location, but it's not just outside where there's a breeze. There's also some sound. Oh, yeah, baby. Some beautiful, wonderful crashing waves of the beach, baby. I'm under an umbrella on that towel, falling asleep with the crashing waves nearby.

Very high on my list. A beach nap is dangerous. It is very, very dangerous. The tide has come in. I'm burning. Yeah, you can sunburn. I'm under an umbrella. I don't do the sun.

Guys, I'm going to tell you the truth right now. Your list is empty. I was riding dirty. Oh, yes. I thought there's no chance you're hitting my movie theater. I thought there's no chance you're hitting my beach. Now, do you prefer on the towel on the sand, or do you prefer the lawn chair, Jason? I would prefer the lawn chair because I like the incline.

Oh, really? I do the face down on the towel. Are you a belly sleeper? Face down? Yeah. Really? A lot of time I am a belly sleeper. So are you actively trying to tan at that moment?

I'm actively trying to sleep. Okay, so you're underneath an umbrella. Sometimes. Sometimes. You just got to make sure you got the sunblock on. Oh, my gosh. Eight hours later. All right. I'm going to have to make some horrible picks oh yeah i'd love to hear it i've got my last pick all lined up

i can dm you some no no i mean i have some horrible choices here but they're not i mean the beach nap yeah it's great how could you do that to me? Because Mike stole my massage. All right, I'm going to go passenger seat of a car. Okay. Road tripping, napping in the car. It's like the airplane. It's like what a train would be. You get the droning sound.

It's also the most disrespectful nap. Oh, right. Yeah. My wife, she does this to me all the time, which like a car just puts her. You drive. A car puts her to sleep, so I can't really hold it against her. But it's just like, hey, thanks for being the one doing the driving. I'm going to take a nap while you are fully focused and locked in for eight hours so we don't die. Oh, for sure.

But here's the thing most of those drives where the nap comes into play oh they're they're long drives they're vacation drives yes they're i woke up early to get out of the house to maximize our vacation you know what you could use a little extra sleep but she gets to sleep while you drive i totally understand my wife does this to me pretty much every long drive. And again, I don't blame her because if she was driving, I'm napping.

I mean, that's for sure. So this was my next pick was the backseat of a car. But yeah, passenger seat, just not the driver. No, not without autopilot. Not recommended. But listen,

I don't have a lot of really desire. I'm going to just go with not a place that I think would be a great nap, but a place that I've taken a lot of great naps. And I didn't mean to because sometimes you don't mean to. You just nap, right? It just happens. So I'm going to have to go with the ground.

Oh, my goodness. I've fallen asleep on the ground way too many times. I have done several short naps on the carpet. It wasn't on purpose. I'm sorry. Many times, like after coming home from work, if it was just a particularly long day, I've done multiple shows. I get home, and you're just like, I can't even make it to the couch.

Do the collapse? This is good. This rug is soft. I'm going to lay down. Now, I'm never happy when I wake up from a ground nap. Oh, never. The slobber? Oh, and the level of like my bones are misaligned when you get up off a ground nap.

Yeah, you get up and you go, oh, no. I made a mistake. I slept on the ground, didn't I? So I will ask a question before you close it out. Have any of you accidentally napped at another person's house? Accidentally? I don't. Other than the dozing off, like the and then wake yourself up type.

Like I'm trying not to sleep. I'm on the couch. Yeah. I have never that i can remember i've never like purposely in their bed jason into their bed that's the number one place to sleep yeah i've definitely fallen asleep at someone's house two more picks uh yep all right i am up this is this is tough unlike andy andy picked an awful place that is common to nap. I want the exact opposite.

I'm going to pick a place that maybe I haven't napped there a lot in my life, or you might say ever, but it's a picturesque, perfect nap. It's where you'd like to nap? It's where I'd like to nap. It's under the shade of a tree. I'm outside. You know the picnic blanket? Yeah. Ooh, that's called the to nap. It's under the shade of a tree. I'm outside. You know, the picnic blanket. Yeah.

That's called the ant nap. It could be. I mean, I got to pick my tree well, but I, you know, the, the, I've got the beach noise, but I got the, I want the birds too. You're trying to hijack a little hammock magic underneath the tree. I have the park. It was on my, the nap under the tree is the picturesque, you know, it's like the silhouette sitting under the tree.

Yeah, I'm leaning up back... Maybe you got a book. Exactly. Maybe you don't. I have a book. I read one page, it put me to sleep. All right, Mike, you got to close it out. All right, I have my final pick here.

And look, we've been talking about all different kinds of naps. And there's also the micro nap. It may just be, it's a few short minutes but this reprieve can really save the day like there's a place you go there's a particular theme park if you go in the summer it's hot it's sweltering I know you're walking I know what you're picking you darn right you know what I'm picking that you're darn right I am you're walking around all day you're standing in line all day you know what you've been dealing with your family and you're like i'm so hot i'm so sweaty just give me a place that i can sit down

it's it's we're moving around it's calm and there's air conditioning blasting and i am taking a small world from disneyland because all parents know that if you have experienced Disneyland in the heat of summer, when you get on that ride, it is just a magic miracle that saves you. It's just a few moments, but you can recharge and get back out there. And look, when you're that tired, you tune out the song. You don't even hear it, and you just sit on a hard boat. Actually, the nap is even better during the winter when you get the Christmas music. Hey, you could take that, too.

It's funny because I have definitely found that to be a desirable place. A couple of the desperation ones I had down here was one was at a furniture store. Oh. That sounds like one I'd like to try. That's a scandalous nap. Yeah. Let me really try. We've already.

What's your best mattress? There's two worries. You have a lot of nap fear, don't you? I do. I've got two fears about napping. The only other one I had, like Hail Maryary was a tree house which i've never done i don't know if there's been a lot of tree house naps i don't know that they're big enough to nap we can make it happen tree mansion um i've got a pool lawn chair oh but i had the beach so i didn't

yeah i imagine a train nap is nice too oh i have done uh, I did an overnight train ride as a young lad and Nice nap? It's just you get the rhythmic sound and you're slightly swaying back and forth. It was fantastic. What did we learn today? I learned that there are

indeed, you guys might not have known this, 12 months in the year 12 months 12 full months not 10 a lot of people think it's 10 oh it's an educational show here yeah it's 12 i learned that there is no purpose to seeing the future outside of making money and whether you and knowing the weather that is the only purpose to seeing the future. And I learned that can one truly know oneself? I don't think you can. You learn nothing. You just ask questions.

Mysteries of the universe. That's what this show is all about. It is. Thank you for listening, everybody. We will see you next time on the Spitballers Podcast. Tell your friends. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. Tell your friends. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. Howdy, howdy, howdy, everybody. It's the end of the show. But I still got something to tell you about. If you want to support this show, if you want to get early access to this show, if you want to get an ad-free episode of this show, jointhespit.com. Be a great human being and support this show at jointhespit.com. It will make you taller.

I like that.