Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 178: Surrogate Poopers & The Best Soups - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 17, 2022

We’re back with a new episode after the extended holiday! After we talk about awkward typing, a funny pooper power, and holiday cooking chores, we jump into some real life news articles that blew our minds. Lastly, we draft our favorite soups. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I'll soup it, doop it, poop it, slurp it, and derp! Now, okay, now. That was good. I liked it. The beginning was very interesting. Very topical.

It's a soup-based show. I love a topical. It's a soup based show. I love a topical, a scat, but you went from poopy into slurpy. Well, I mean, you know, look, if I remember it correct, pretty sure soup rhymes with poop. Yeah. That's gotta happen. Yeah. Oh, for sure.

But then I went back to the soup. I'm slurping. I'm not slurping the poop. It sounded like you're slurping i'm not slurping the poop well it sounded like you're slurping down it was a soupy doopy poopy a slurpy derp yeah okay okay i see how there's a problem there you see the the i see the lines of communication have been crossed yeah it was a poopy slurp you always you need to have multiple words that separate poop and slurp that's all one of the rules of the road well now does uh count like the word no a because there's a i'm pretty sure there was an a in there that's

just a filler word you're thinking there's something in there welcome in to the spitballers i want to say this at the top really appreciate everybody's patience we we wanted to have some new shows out earlier um the world is a crazy wild and wacky place filled with disease so unfortunately uh we weren't able to bring you a new episode last week but we're back with a brand new spitballers today and we're very excited to be with you we have would you rather This Real Life? And we are drafting Slurperty Derp on this show. We are drafting the best soups, which when I first heard this idea, I was like, oh, it's going to be a little struggle to get to 12 soups. It was no struggle whatsoever.

This is exactly what we went through. I mean, when I heard, Mike was like, well, have we done soups? And I'm like, I don't know that i can come up how many soups are there not only did i not know if i like okay i'm sure i could come up with 12 there's enough but who gives a crap because it's soup because it's soup i don't care until i started making my list i had no idea the passion that i have for soup i was like oh man i have to have this one oh what about that soup so good soup is an afterthought it's you're like ah that's that's not really a meal it's soup and then you start listing them out you're like i love soup i'm

never in the mood like i don't have a craving for soup soup is what you get before the meal right you know and but like my wife she gets cravings for soup she just like that's what my wife does that too that's like one of her favorite foods is soup yeah that's because soup has been boxed in inappropriately as this appetizer dish it's like it's like oh i can't yeah i can't big entrees big big entree they are against the soup, people. When soup can stand on its own. Like some of my favorite moments. No, it needs a salad. You can't just get a soup.

Some of my favorite. You could do it if you want to. Possibly a sandwich. You can get a soup and a sandwich, soup and a salad. It really does seem like. Bread Bowl makes it. I mean, Bread Bowl tried to make it a feature. Yes, Bread Bowl's a meal.

That is. Because it's a sandwich. It's a soup sandwich. No, Mike. A Bread Bowl does not make it a feature yes bread bowl is a meal that is because it's a sandwich it's a it's a soup sandwich no no my bread bowl does not make it a sandwich what if you put a top on it no that's a bread bowl it's a bread bowl that's what i'm saying like but what if you cover the bowl uh then it's it's still just a bread bowl it's a soup bomb at that point oh my goodness. Well, this was, yeah,

there'll be, I was wondering, I was like, do we have to draft another round? That's how many soups that I found myself wanting to draft. But we'll see. You can follow us on Twitter at SpitballersPod,

Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. And you can support the show at JoinTheSpit.com, our Patreon group where you get some perks over there. We're always looking for some new ideas support the show at jointhespit.com, our Patreon group, where you get some perks over there. We're always looking for some new ideas on the show. Let's jump right in here to Would You Rather. Would you rather?

Well, our first Would You Rather question comes in from Spit Waddle Waddle Away from Patreon, who says, would you rather type with your thumbs on a keyboard or type with your index fingers on a phone? Those would both be very awkward. Now, I'll start this off with, I mean, you probably know somebody in your circle of trust, unfortunately, that does, in fact, type with their index fingers on a phone. Oh, crap. I know somebody. Yes, we have. We all have grandparents. No, not grandparents, Jason.

I might be dropping a bombshell on you. You know, Mike? You know who it is? Oh, I've seen it. I might be dropping a bombshell on you. You know, Mike? You know who it is? Oh, I've seen it. I've seen it take place in this office. It's shameful. Embarrassing. Oh, look, I haven't seen it, but it's got to be Josh.

It's Papa Josh. Yeah, of course. Papa Josh, who helps run a bunch of community stuff for us over here at the Ballers HQ. Slowly. He slowly helps us. He holds the phone in one hand and then does a chicken peck version of typing with his index finger. It's abysmal. Instead of dub thumbs, which granted, even on an iPhone, dub thumbs can still be a bit clumsy.

Lots of typos, lots of autocorrect errors and stuff like that. But this dude is typing maximum 10 to 15 words a minute. You're trying it right now. I'm trying it right now. This is so slow. How does it feel? It feels stupid. Hey, breaking news.

Producer Brooks, his left thumb, right index finger. Wait, what? He is a hybrid. He's living a hybrid life. I have instituted that a time or two in my life. Like when you have an injury? Right. Yeah, pinky's not doing well.

I got to get the index out there. No, but I... Wait, pinky? What are you using the pinky for? Well, I'm not. It's injured. So clearly that's out of commission. Clearly, that's out of commission.

Yeah, so Brooks, you are thumb and index combined. Yeah, and I never realized it even until Mike called me out for it. I forgot you did that. I'm sorry that I had to shame you publicly. Mike prowls the office looking for weird typers. Look, someone's got to do it. It's a dirty job. I can promise you this i can promise if you walked around and you saw someone using only their thumb okay i'm going to try and type

some messages on the keyboard you would scream at them this is silly i mean when you do that your thumb doesn't move i was trying it your thumb just locked, and it's all arms. This is delightful. This is not delightful. It feels so silly. Yeah, instead of having the proper technique where you're on your home row, and you're just moving your fingers around, you're like a really slow machine, slow crane machine. You're like a really slow machine, slow crane machine.

I mean, you might as well. It doesn't even need a thumb or any appendage. It's just you're using your entire arm to move and get that next letter. And it feels so dumb. Can I ask a question? It's fair to say that you're a superior human being if you can type properly on a keyboard and type properly on a phone, right? Anybody who can't do that is inferior as a person? Yeah, but I think there's very few of those people that can't do both.

No, no. I think that there are. I'm starting to realize, and I get on my kids all the time about this because man well do i hate them they're just learning they aren't learning good enough they refuse learning good enough okay all right they aren't learning quick learning good enough learning getting at my house. You dummies. That's amazing. But they, like, I'll walk by, and I'm always yelling at them, like, home row,

because they don't do it. They don't sit there and use home row typing. Okay. And so it's, you know, they're not, like, super slow typers. No, I know, which makes it worse. That does make it so much worse because they're functional but they're still wrong i used to be very fast at hunting or uh hunting pack when i was young and yeah just because you can efficiently do something incorrectly oh no does

that make it okay well and when you when you efficiently do the inefficient style, what you don't realize is that if you get efficient at the efficient style, you can't hunt and peck as fast as someone can. Yeah, you have a ceiling of how fast you can actually do it right. I'm not typing with my thumbs, though. I'm going to convert to an index finger phone type. All right. Now I have a follow upup question here for jason for for he's chastising his children about the typing yes how do you shift key i shift key pinkies yeah but do you actually switch back and forth between the right and the left shift key or do you have

one that you always use um i always use the left shift always because you're supposed to yeah if you were to like shift q you're supposed to. Yeah, if you were to shift Q. You're supposed to push with your right, the opposite hand. I don't do that either, but I'm always right. You're always right? Yeah. Interesting. I have found out.

I'm a perma left. I have found out that most people are dominant left. Yeah, I'm a dominant left for sure. I'm dominant left. Brooksie, what do you got with your shift key? Left. Yeah. Wait, I use both.

I use both. I just test myself. Oh, you do it correctly? Yeah. I mean, flip-flopping's the way to go because I definitely, like if I'm doing a big type up, like a research paper or something, my hand gets fatigued because it's the same hand doing all the shifting and I'm crumpling my hand up to get all the right keys. Doing a lot of research papers.

I'm talking about back in the day. Okay. Back in the day. Yeah, I will hunt. You don't do a research paper for fun with my index finger on a phone i i i've seen plenty of people do that it is actual i've never once witnessed someone typing with their thumbs like you don't accidentally see someone who's a hunted pecker but they use their thumbs instead of you... Oh, you got to like go thumbs down. I feel like spread out...

Spread hand does not work, but just thumbs down could work. I see what Jason's saying though. You could almost just cover both of your hands with a single digit. Yeah. Because you need to move your whole arm. All right.

Charlie from Twitter. Charlie. Would you rather gain the ability to transfer any of your bodily bathroom needs immediately onto someone with insights? Oh, okay. What a superpower. Oh, man, that guy over there, I'm going to make him have to go to the bathroom.

Or be able to transfer any of your hunger craving prompts to someone in the same manner. So you can toss your hunger around. So then I assume with both of these transfers of power, I no longer have that need, or is someone just on an equal playing field with me? No, I think you are relieving yourself by putting the burden on someone else. That's so easy. Is it easy?

Wait, the food one that you can control all of your hunger yeah is that your pick or are you doing that one for oh no way for fun going to the bathroom is like it's a real issue for mike no it's not that it's a real issue it's that it's a big waste of time wait a minute wait a minute i'm just realizing i don't know if you guys never have to to pee again i don't know if you guys. Never have to pee again. I don't know if you guys read it the right way from the get-go. Wait, did we do it wrong? What I'm realizing is that it's your need to go.

You thought we were peeing on people? I literally thought if you need to go, you could transfer your pee or your poop right onto someone. And I was like, that is so weird. Who would write that? And then you went to correct us in case we had made the same mistake. I just, I wanted to out myself here of realizing that what I thought it was, was that if, look, if you got to go to the bathroom, if you got to go to the bathroom, this is your need.

If you got to go to the bathroom, you could just snap your fingers. That guy's covered in your bathroom. Just hit Joe. No, but this makes so much more sense this way. I mean, we went to Disneyland, so I'm picturing myself, you know, you're drinking drinks, you're eating, walking by somebody and just being like, you got to go pee. Yeah. Like, that's pretty funny.

That would be pretty, pretty funny. Not only is it funny and you can weaponize it, but just all that time where you're like, I no longer have to take pee breaks. I just let somebody else do it for me. Mike, if I – I'm delegating my urine. If I may peel back the curtain for our audience, there are several food establishments that you enjoy. Yes, yes.

That you actively make the choice, I can't do that today. Yes, that's true. Because of what's going to happen on the way out. We were just talking about chorizo. Yes, chorizo. You wanted chorizo, but you got to decide what's tomorrow look like. I got to decide how singed do I want things to be. Right.

But this would allow you to do whatever you want and then really punish someone else for your bad choices. Have you tried the Jason Moore method of food eating where he pops the multiple gas X before the meal, Mike, for the chorizo? The problem is not the gas X. The exiting is- It's another. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I got you.

This is the solution. You need a full bowel transfer. But if you can transfer your hunger and cravings, your weight control is 100 sure in check permanently because really that's the only reason why you know anytime you get an urge you can you can give your hunger away yeah but you would be weaker you would be weaker then because you wouldn't actually get the nourishment i don't listen to my body telling me i'm hungry I kind of I think you do no no you you're you're hearing me a little differently I don't need to be hungry to decide to go eat in fact sometimes I'm full and I'm like that looks good so taking my hunger away and giving it to someone else I feel like wouldn't

okay okay so you're gonna make them you going to make them go poop for you. Yeah, I'm never visiting a bathroom again the rest of my life. I will use this superpower 100% of the time, especially in the middle of the night when I got to get up to pee. I'm just, honey, you got to get up to pee. It has to be in sight, but think about a road trip where just some car, some innocent passerby is going the other way, You got to get up to pee. It has to be in sight. But think about a road trip. Yeah. Where just some car, some innocent passerby is going the other way, like zap.

I think I would save it up for when I'm in a line and I want to get the person in front of me out of line. Oh, right in front of you? I would save it up for the line and I'd be like, you got the scorch. You see him doing the dance. And I am a notorious non-public pooper. I don't poop in any public places. I do now through you. Surrogate pooper. Oh, my goodness.

Surrogate pooper. I'm just glad. Oh, surrogate pooper. I'm really glad that you figured out partway through this that you weren't just putting what comes out of you on to somebody. Yeah, that was really disturbing. All right. Farrah from the website. Would you rather be in charge of cooking the big holiday meal

for the extended family or be in charge of cleaning up and doing the dishes afterwards? This one is not close for me. Okay. Yeah. Well, let's hear it. I am the cleaner. Okay. Because it is so casual i can take as much time as i want to i can get into a groove i can pop a podcast on i'm willing to do there's

no pressure with the cleanup i don't got to get it done on time i got i don't even got to do it right no one's inspecting this i'm going to clean it up the best i can i can take some time i don't want to be responsible for the big meal we should do thanksgiving together you want to cook it oh you're darn right i'm cooking wow i enjoy cooking i like that i i you are a chef i'm a chef and so i would i would enjoy making the big meal and you're right there's more stress more pressure but also there's more you know it's more rewarding exactly there's more reward you get something of value at the end of your work at the end of your work andy you're just wet you you're persuading you're persuading me because i've had to spend the last several days taking care of the family, all the needs, right? All the food, all the cleanup.

All the door dash. The door dash has been so busy. There has been some of that. I will say this, though. I made the permit change to all plastic products yesterday. Oh, no. Because I was tired i didn't i was i clean up one set of dishes and the next one's just producing all over itself and i'm like what am i doing and i went all paper

for everything so maybe i'm underestimating the value of like how rewarding it would be to just be able to prepare and you're done oh yeah i'm gonna that must feel that would feel good here's the best part of that. Okay? The best part is, and we've all made, I know we've all made a few meals. You know, we've had hella fresh meals where you got a couple pots and pans going at the same time. I am paying no mind to how messy I am. I'm splattering grease everywhere. Or how many dishes.

Yeah, or how many. How many pots and pans. I'm piling it up i am a new one making um it will look like a 187 murder death kill in that kitchen when i am done cooking sauce will be everywhere and you will have to clean it all up okay mike which way where do you lean on this i lean going with the clean. I just did my first ever Thanksgiving scenario where I cooked. I had this brisket and some sides, and I was like, I'm going for it. I will summon myself.

I will take the mantle. I'm going to make all the Thanksgiving food, and I certainly could have done a better job. The brisket was alright. And then I had to clean anyways. Yeah, I was going to say, you are a master of both, aren't you? Yeah, well, here's the thing that they don't tell you about.

When you're at a big family gathering and it's time to do all the dishes, you escape from everybody when you are doing the cleaning. Yes. Because as soon as you're like, oh, it's time to clean, everyone just smoke bomb. They all vanish and go do something else.

You're like, well, I guess I'm all by myself. I'll clean this up as quickly as I can. See you in an hour. See, I find that people smoke, but like when we're having a big family event. Now you're persuading me the other way. When we have a big family event and there's all this mess and all these dishes, that's when we don't even get to the cleaning. Everyone just eventually smoke bombs their way out, and then it's like,

oh, no, we've got to clean up a party. And I would love to be able to host the party and have none of the cleanup. That's a dream scenario for us. Wow. So I'm definitely cooking i'm back to cleaning i want i want the solitude i want to get away from that is my go-to technique when i want a party to end too as i start walking around my house and i start putting chairs away slowly or throwing trash away and then uh sometimes people get the hint i don't know they start helping pajamas

turning off the lights turning off the lights opening the front door leaving it open saying goodbye please leave these are my subtle hints these are my subtle hints all right uh should we move on here? Yeah, let's move. We will be doing that, but we got to thank somebody. Yes, sir. We got to thank our sponsors today. And Spidwads, I know what you're thinking.

If you're watching on YouTube, you see Mike. Why am I listening? You see myself, and you think, how do they look so good all the time? And if you were here, you'd say, how do they smell so good all the time? And you were here you'd say how do they smell so good all the time and the answer it's hawthorne hawthorne's grooming products for men are our answer when we want to look good we want to feel good we want to smell good they have premium men's grooming uh stuff that i've used for you know well over a year So you can upgrade to their body wash, their shampoo, their deodorant, you know, let them recommend a face cleanser, a moisturizer that will elevate your game.

And of course you could find that perfect cologne. So you smell good for those nights out. What you do is you take the Hawthorne quiz and they ask you simple things like what your preferences are and smell, what your preferences are in smell, what your skin type is, and it's really quick, really easy, really fun, and at the end of the quiz, you get a customized product line tailored for you. So make sure you're ready for anything or anyone that comes your way by taking that Hawthorne quiz today. Go to Hawthorne.co and use the promo code spitballers to get 10% off your

first purchase. That's H-A-W-T-H-O-R-N-E.co promo code spitballers hawthorne.co promo code spitballers. And spit wads, are you looking to get, you know, that special someone, something fancy, like, you know, maybe some fine jewelry. Well, that's why we want to thank today's sponsor, Mejuri. Mejuri makes fine jewelry. Jewelry. That's a difficult word to say. Jewelry.

Jewelry. Jewelry. Jewelry. Mejuri makes fine jewelry for every day minus the traditional 10X markups. Nice. When you go to that store, that thing is marked up out of control. The middleman in there, they're just lining their pockets with all the monies. Yeah, they're just.

I hate the middleman. The middleman, get out of here. Jewelry places, they're ridiculous. Look, shopping Mejuri for all your gift needs. It's an easy choice. You get free shipping on orders over $100, and pieces are handcrafted, priced responsibly sourced using 100 traceable gold and conflict free diamonds 70 of missouri's gold is recycled but maybe someone changes their mind

they don't that's not the gift for them well your gift is covered with 60-day returns, and you can get some 14-karat gold stuff. 14-karat solid gold gifts. They don't oxidize, wear out, or scratch easily. And just like they have the perfect gifts. I have gotten my wife a ring from Mejuri, and she loves it. It was a very special gift received very well. So visit Mejuri.com slash ballers for 10% off your first order. That's Mejuri.com slash ballers for 10% off your first order.

M-E-J-U-R-I.com slash ballers. Is this real life? All right. Well, is this real life all right well is this real life it is time to reveal some stories that we have stumbled upon from the real world this real world we live in and share with one another that they are and these are factual these are real these actually happened and uh i love this segment because i want to know what's going on in the world around me and these are probably the most important stories you can focus on when you say

current events this is what you're talking about yeah i mean this is this is real late breaking news things that matter uh going on in fact uh some of the spit wads out there they they brought this article to my attention and i felt it's importance to make sure that we know what has happened. I'm excited here. Either of you guys watch 90 Day Fiance? There's a reality show? Anyways. No.

Okay. Yeah. I know the story. You know the story. So the 90 Day Fiance star, this is the headline, 90 Day Fiance star retires from selling farts after heart attack scare. So yeah, wait, not you said heart attack.

Heart. Yes. Not a not a fart attack scare. Thank you. Thank you for clarifying. 90 Day Fiance star retires from selling farts after a heart attack scare. And however good the headline is is the actual story is better this was a woman who was a reality tv uh star for a minute and she turned that into becoming a fartrepreneur

her words something that you've wanted to be for quite a while i mean look that she she has a good idea she doesn't have the talent to execute. I have the talent to execute. Okay, here's what happened. Are you sharing a story or are you pitching

your new Etsy? Yeah, one of the same. Go to fartrepreneur.com slash Jason Moore. Here's the reality. We're going to need a bigger bottle. So you're going to have

multiple farters. Oh, for sure. Because it's a slash. Yes, I mean, um here's here's the reality i'm gonna need a bigger bottle so you're gonna have multiple farters oh for sure yes i mean mine mine will certainly raise the most money because of quantity uh being able to sell well this was a this was an issue for her was the quantity became a problem apparently and this is maybe the biggest problem people were buying farts that's that's the that's the big issue here let's just call a spade a spade people were buying farts that's that's the that's the big issue here let's just call a spade a spade people were buying her farts to the point where she almost died to the tune of fifty thousand dollars a week come on she had two hundred thousand dollars in sales through a month and she couldn't keep up so in order to try to keep up, she's eating diets entirely consisting of beans and gassy stuff that ended up giving her a heart attack scare.

And the doctor said, this is stop it. The diet is why you're having a heart attack scare. So she has now retired from a very lucrative business. Can I give her some credit here? I mean, it would be very easy to fabricate or fart brigade whatever you want to call it yeah yes no she she went to bat she wanted to produce a real american made oh i guess this is overseas a very these are authentic authentic product yeah no cheating i respect her yeah she didn't get a team of people to pretend that, you know, their farts were farts.

A fart farm. Or a fart farm. No, this was... A fart farm. She didn't subcontract a bunch of other butts. No, this was... I mean, this was one... This was one system.

Genuine, genuine farts from her. Yeah, which I respect. Yeah. I mean, I haven't gotten my order yet, but I mean, I respect. Yeah, so that's my article. What a world. Mike, why don't

you go next? All right. My tale is, it's a cautionary tale of... Aren't they all? Well, you'll know what I'm talking about. All right. There was a family and they were just look you mean a lot of people trapped at home right now and they were they were doing like you know fun physical challenges like laying down uh rolling over holding a shoe on your foot

just like you know silly silly challenges holding a shoe on your foot that's the quote don't you just wear it on your foot? I don't know exactly how they're doing it, but they're just trying to come up with fun physical challenges, spur-of-the-moment things. Well, they were asking their Amazon device what they should do, and they said, okay, Alexa, give us another challenge. And then the smart speaker replied

in the alexa voice of course but plug in a phone charger about halfway into a wall outlet and then touch a penny to the exposed prongs no it did not that is what it said uh because apparently this was going around on tikt a viral challenge called the Penny Challenge. Thankfully, this particular gal was wise enough to go, no, because that will potentially kill me. And so they alerted the Alexa team and they said this was a mistake and they got it removed immediately. Oh my goodness. That's not the kind of mistake you're allowed to make. Go to the tallest building and jump.

Like, imagine hearing that. Oh, my goodness. You're like, your kids are just in the other room. Yeah, the kids play with the Alexa. The Alexa's like, hey, try and electrocute yourself. Take a fork and put it in the outlet. Wow. Also, social media people, it stop it i know all of

the things like you can clean your phone the best to try to put it in the microwave put a little bit of water on the front you put it in the microwave it's like no this is it man they're just trying to get you they're trying to make you microwave your phone. Think before you do things. The power of trolling is significant and dangerous. That being said, I mean, the electrocuting yourself too far. But if I can get you to microwave your phone, it's more on you, isn't it? The problem, well, yes yes if you're an adult but they're the problem is like i mean younger and younger kids are getting phones where they haven't

had the time to really establish what they're hearing from from the internet and social medias as being a accurate or a fake thing to do so just saying saying that, just stop it. Just stop it, people. The world would be a much better place if the Alexa wasn't telling you to put a penny between two electrical prongs. Oh, man. Oh, my gosh. That's insane. This one is going to hit close to home for Jason.

It's a very special story. You may have seen it already this past summer. This either has to do with farts or spiders. Uh, not quite. This has to do with something that you, you, uh, you went through in your life. Um, and you, you wish you had the superpower to give it away at the time. Oh, the NBC's ultimate slip and slide series halted. The ultimate slip and slide series halted after explosive diarrhea reported on set

why why do they have to call it explosive listen listen this story gets better and better first of all i mean they they're very professional they came out with a public statement the health and safety of everyone on our set is our number one priority okay out of an abundance of caution we have made the decision to stop production of the ultimate slip and slide at the current location. Reason being, I mean, look,

they started out with one crew member that tested positive for Giardia. I don't know how to pronounce it properly. It's a very uncomfortable, bad parasite that goes into your intestine.

Diarrhea monster. It is. And 40 more members of the crew caught it people were collapsing on set due to due to quote awful explosive diarrhea and being forced to run into porta potties that is

oh that's an SNL sketch they're running into porta potties with explosive collapsing diarrhea you know there's no way they all made it into the. That's what I was going to say. No, no. There was poopy pants clubs members.

Yeah, had to be. They had to fully shut down production and move it to a new site later on. It's incredible. In fact, the two, I believe, producers of the show were Bobby Moynihan from SNL and another, Ron Funchess, who tweeted out. Wait, was it an SNL sketch? It was not. But he said, did I have the goal of being an owner of an explosive diarrhea water park on my vision board? No, I never dreamed that big.

my vision board no i never dreamed that big because and now i say this all hits home for jason is because you visited a water park and you in fact had maybe this yeah i mean ours was like crypto lucacus or something i don't look i don't know what it was but i think they called it crypto for short and now now obviously crypto is all cryptocurrency. But yeah, I got that at a water park, and that's how I entered the Poopy Pants Club and got my membership. So I understand. But what's crazy is that there is this parasite whose sole purpose is just to, like, this parasite is just like, I got one job to do it's gonna make them

poop their pants watch this i go from person to person i just make them make them uh oh gross yeah and to to tie it into the idea of like this is a slip ultimate slip and slide and oh yeah it was i know the diarrhea wasn't all over. You know what I'm saying? At least a little bit was. Yeah, you're sliding around. Oh, man. So there you go. There you go.

Congratulations to, well, no one on that set. The Spitballers Ders draft we are drafting as we said before soups on uh slurp slurp a derp or whatever whatever you said earlier um jason you are you have the honor oh man the privilege of the first soup pick we are drafting the best soupss. Yeah, I don't know if the first pick is the best, if this is the draft for the best first pick or not. There's a lot of strong classics that I could go with here. Mike can attest, I was making a list, and I had 12 things on my list before I ran into my one-on-one. My favorite soup.

Yeah, it was shocking. Yeah, and I don't think this is a poll getter because it's so specific. It's not like a broad, you can get this soup anywhere. You can get this soup one place that I know of. I mean, maybe this. Oh, seriously? You're taking this one as your one i have to because i don't blame you it is the best soup it's on my it's on my list uh zupa

tuscana oh no okay okay so all right zupa tuscana which is from olive garden i feel bad about my pick you do love that soup I've been to Olive Garden with you because Mike won't go and I've been there that's right and you love it it's so good we've made a homemade version of it

that was outstanding but Zupa Toscana if you haven't had, if you're out there and you're like, I've never even heard of that soup, do yourself a favor and try it because you're going to love it. Why have Olive Garden there when you can make it at home? Very nice.

I feel like that one could have came back to me. I will tell you what, we could have gone 10 rounds. I have 14 soups written down. I got 14 soups written down and not one of them is that i had 12 written down and not one of them was this one and then i was like oh my gosh super disgusting it's my favorite soup so i'm taking it credit and uh the heart wants what the heart wants yeah i'm taking chicken noodle soup all right it's a classic it's the go-to soup it's the one i think

i could eat the highest quantity of in repetition than the other soups although i think that there are probably lots of soups that fit that mold i just think chicken noodle is the most when you think about soup it's warm it's comforting it's it's heart. It covers all your soup bases. It certainly does. We've somehow been introduced to different restaurants and their chicken noodle soups because I was never really on board because it was always just the classic can, which had like maybe three noodles. There was a couple carrots in there. Little itty-bitty tiny pieces of chicken.

But there are people out there doing really good work with they're doing good work that's right with chicken noodle soup so don't be afraid if you've been off chicken noodle this is my uh a pat on the bottom try it out again because there's a lot of places doing really good work all right my number one has fallen down to me. This is a soup I ignored as a younger man, but as I became more grown and sophisticated, it just worked its way into my repertoire. And now it's like, it's the one I go to. Just a good tomato bisque sandwich.

You do love a good tomato. You get a tomato. I mean, and I'll throw on the grilled cheese sandwich usually comes with it. But a tomato soup is absolutely, it's my favorite, which is bizarre because I do not like fresh tomatoes. You hate tomatoes. Oh, they're the worst. They contaminate everything they touch. Tomato soup is so good.

Oh, man, it's so good. But it seems like you're not allowed to have it without a grilled cheese. Yes. Yes, without an accessory. It needs something. You need at least a piece of bread. Yeah, you allowed to have it without a grilled cheese. Yes. Yes, without an accessory. It needs something. You need at least a piece of bread. Yeah, you can't have it by itself. Yeah, it is tough.

And that's not to say it's not delicious by itself. Right. It's just against the law. It's an accessory soup. Yeah, absolutely. Tomato's a great pick. I have a feeling we're going to have a lot of great picks here. Well, because of soup.

And I have some soup. Look, we need to mainstream soup, guys. Or mainline soup. I think there's a chance we might go 22 rounds. Alright, so with my second pick, I'm going to play the game here, the draft game, because I got one that I need to

have, but this one probably doesn't make it. You're trying to pick a popular soup you don't think will make it back. I respect it. That's what I'm going with. Jason says trying to pick a popular soup you don't think will make it back to you. I know which one he wants. I respect it. I respect it. And that's what I'm going with. And Jason says there's a better version of this, so I won't take that one.

But I'm going with good old-fashioned broccoli cheese soup. Broccoli cheddar is a solid pick. Oh, it is so delightful. Take the broccoli. You got a good soup. Broccoli is actually extremely palatable when you just put gigantic amounts of cheese all over it. So like just not even as a soup, but a steamed broccoli, cover that with melted cheese. It's good.

So put it together and it's a soup. It's great. It is a good soup. There is a far superior version. That's what you say. Yeah. But we'll find out later. I do wonder, like sometimes I've had broccoli cheddar soups in

which i imagine the vat like a giant vat of soup is being made and they used one broccoli floret oh and they just you just have a couple of the driplets of the broccoli and that's it it could be so i don't know if there's a certain yeah i don't know what quantity does that make it better it does make it better no no no it does I just wonder what the rules are to include the word broccoli in it. Most sub places or sandwich places have broccoli cheese, but it can be very hit or miss.

It can go real thin with it, and then it's just like a broccoli water. No, you don't want that. No, it's no good. Broccoli and cheese, yes, is a hearty soup. All right, Andy, you are back up. Yeah, and again, I think I can play the game here. There's a soup that I believe is my number two pick. Well, Zupa Toscano over here.

He's not taking my soup. He's not going to do it. All right. So I'm going to take the one he probably will take. Don't do it. Which is a baked potato soup. Oh, that's the better. Yeah, that's the one.

Come on. You talk about that creamy potato soup. It's so good and cheesy and yum yum. Jason is a broken man. This is the truth. Oh, yeah, baby. I was right that you had the first pick. I had the first pick.

That's the true first pick. Any kind of- Oh, man. I've never seen somebody stumble from the 101 so quickly. I mean, cream of potato or baked potato. Any kind of hearty... Potato soup. It's potato soup.

Yeah, that's the pick. The clear 101. It reminds me of broccoli cheddar, but it's so much better. Yeah. Man, I wish... I need the broccoli. Weird. I mean, I wish I had that pick. can I trade you Zupa Toscana for it was the first pick well do I get the do I get the unlimited breadsticks they come with

your soup it's unlimited it's drafted to be great all right you got two picks now you can make up for it right here right now all right man i was all prepared again i was all prepared to take my baked potato soup and now that that one's off i do feel like i need a hearty soup i need a um you know not not a broth right now okay um i want something creamy you've got your tomato bisque yep oh no and he's got his uh you know he's got my baked potato uh soup don't do it uh i don't i don't think you're gonna be in on this one andy i'm gonna take a lobster bisque i love a good lobster bisque you got real close when i go to a restaurant and I see lobster bisque on the menu, it's like 70% chance that I'm going to get a lobster bisque.

So it's not at like deviled eggs? No, because – Level? No, it's not. If deviled eggs are on the menu, I always get them. That's 100%. But the reason for the disparity there – That's how you sell the farts, by the way.

But the deviled eggs are – She should have focused on deviled eggs alone's how you sell the farts, by the way. With the deviled eggs. She should have focused on deviled eggs alone. Those are the premium farts. That's the path. That's the upcharge. Once you've bought the, would you like to upgrade to deviled egg farts? But the reason I will always get deviled eggs and most of the time get

lobster biscuits because lobster biscuits is on far more menus. Deviled eggs you just don't usually see anyways for my next for my next one here okay oh okay so i know what i want the most i'm gonna play the game because y'all playing the game um and uh this one the one that i want the most will come back to me, so I'm not going to grab that. Oh, there are so many. How many rounds are we doing here? Just the four. Four. Just the four?

Yeah. Yeah, four. Four rounds. This is so hard. You got to narrow it down. Okay. Nope. I'm not going to.

I'm going to just take the one I love. We were debating this in the studio, whether or not this was a soup when you google it it says yes oh no i don't know i was proven very wrong yes really i'm taking ramen yeah i love okay a good ramen bowl a soup of noodles and and uh yeah ramen soup is a soup it counts it was on my list it was funny because mike was like i don't think that's a soup and then i was like well it's we don't want to was like, I don't think that's a soup. And then I was like, well, it's. We don't want to get into the mac and cheese category. That's why you want to be careful there.

But it's a bowl of broth with noodles. Yeah. My argument was like, well, it's like chicken noodle soup. So it's not a soup. That's a bad argument. Yeah. It was. I pulled back.

I'm very happy because I have my top three picks. He has my top three picks, which is I'm going clam chowder for this pick. Clam chowder is in the category of if it's on the menu and the place is not fast food, clam chowder wins the day. Read me your soups. Chicken noodle potato. Chicken noodle is number one. Potato soup. And then clam chowder. Oh, man. That's an all-star lineup. the day and read me your soups chicken noodle potato chicken noodles number one potato soup

and then clam chowder man that is uh that's an all-star lineup i mean that's clam chowder is uh amazing it's a it's a must order if it's on a menu as long as the place charges more than three dollars for a meal i'm not gonna lie to you i think it's better than lobster bisque i thought for sure you were going clam chow yeah no i should have i it was a couple spots lower on the list that i made i did i didn't put it struggling i am i am failing today from the 101 um but man i love what you're doing over there andy you are all right you're wide awake and you get to you get to close your draft that you've got a tomato and you got a broccoli broccoli cheese. Can I say something?

Sure. I know we're friends and sometimes we've got to be honest with each other. You don't got a lot of hearty in this menu right here. You can't do the commercial where you come in from the cold and this is all you need to eat. You could do that with a thickened up broccoli and cheese. You're not chewing. You're not chewing any of your soups.

This may not be a popular pick amongst this crowd, but I'm not in on clam chowder. You get the sandy pieces. Clam chowder's not in on you, brother. Oh, I know that. But I am in on chowder. I am in on corn chowder. Also delicious. The hearty, creamy, or what?

Chunky. Chunky chicken corn chowder is, oh, my goodness. It is so delightful. Corn chowder is much like you were talking about lobster bisque. It's pretty rare that you see corn chowder. Glam chowder is everywhere because it's basic. But corn chowder, that's where the action really is. Capitalism says you may have a different reason corn chowder is not everywhere.

I love corn chowder so much. Wow. I wonder, Jason is one of them. Never mind. I was going to say maybe you only like clam chowder or corn chowder, but Jason likes them both. I like both. So far there's not been a soup mention that i am

off of and all the chowders count all right um and one more my last pick again i'm just going with this is what the heart wants and this was this was a part of when like the soup world opened up as we were in the office talking about well well, can you actually get enough soups? And then we brought up other cuisines. You're like, oh, yeah, those are definitely soups. And hot and sour soup. Jason wrote it down because he knows how much I love hot and sour soup. I knew it was.

I love hot and sour soup. It might even be in my top two soups. I just know that knowing and playing the game that it would come back. It is. I've certainly seen you eat. My world changed once I opened my eyes to what hot and sour soup is all about. I have seen you eat hot and sour soup at least 50 times. Yes.

And it's an excellent soup. It's probably my third favorite Asian soup. I like the egg drop and miso. Those are the one and two ahead. Who's up? Is it back to you, Andy? Yeah, it's back to Andy. Yeah.

I feel like I went out on stage. I just played the three number one hits in the world with chicken noodle, potato soup, and clam chowder. And the crowd just called me back out. And they called me back out, and I'm playing them some French onion, baby. I'm playing them some French onion to close out my draft. Oh, you bet your bottom dollar. What? French onion?

Oh, you don't like a good French onion soup? French onion is very popular. It is on my list. I can't even tell you what it tastes like. It tastes very tangy. French onion, is it thicker? Is it a bisque? No.

It's a broth, but here's the- It's always got some cheese. It's got some cheese in there. The novelty of French onion is they usually have it covered with cheese, and then they bake it a little bit to where- That's right. Even on the bowl is like the baked cheese. And the issue that I have is the soup part. Because the baked cheese on top is always good,

but the onion soup is not my favorite of the soups. French onion, huh? Someone needs to take this thing that for some reason only French onion soups get this baked cheese crisp top. Was that because the soup is bad and they just had to make it a little better? But now. Yeah. Yeah.

What? Have you ever had French onion dip for chips? I mean, I'm sure I have. That's never my go to. It's a it's a wonderful dip. I'm a I'm a deal man. You need to try a little French onion soup next time you're out and about. Give it a whirl.

I don't give it. And you know what? I'll give i'll give corn chowder a try even though i made a disgusting face oh it's so good um yeah i i just want i just want all soups to start putting the cheese topper on it all right chicken noodle with the cheese topper you're telling me that's just not better i mean i will i will say from my list there is the ultimate cheese soup is still remaining um really yeah is that like the oh i know which one it's the cheesy cauliflower yeah yeah that is also known as cheese soup um all right so my last pick i am up for the last pick here um a lot of different ways i could go but i i'm gonna go with what i eat the most of i love love love sushi

uh my wife and i go to sushi restaurants probably more than any other type of restaurant and i'm always gonna start my meal with a miso soup a good miso soup is that's my third of the of the asian soups i thought you were gonna go cocoa soup. Very good. A cheese topper on that? Yeah. Miso soup's great. It was on the list for sure. All right. Very nice. There's a lot of good soups here.

My wife will be super angry at us that nobody took cream of mushroom. That is her diehard favorite. That's just used for cooking. Cream of mushroom soup is- People eat that? Oh, it's delicious. Not like the canned Campbell's cream of mushroom. That is just used for cooking.

Okay. But it's like a mushroom bisque, and it's delicious. Not like the canned Campbell's cream of mushroom. That is just used for cooking. But there is like a mushroom bisque. It's outstanding. Even for people that don't like mushrooms. Don't sleep on chicken and rice. Chicken and rice soup is delicious. We can shout out

special shout out here to chicken tortilla. Yeah, no doubt. Let's give a dumpling soup. Real pat on the bottom where where do you guys stand on beef and vegetables is nice too sure i can get down with that but where do you stand with a bean and bacon i have it on my list i love it that was my growing up we didn't do chicken noodle when you were home from school it was it was being always being in bacon. My family would always talk about how they grew up poor, and they would make this bean.

They'd have like a hawk of a pig. I don't know what it is. Hawk of a pig? Horse of a donkey? Not H-A-W-K, but like a, I don't know. Honking? Like as in large? No.

Cat of a goose. Like a, I don't, I'm making up words here. A hawk? I don't know. He didn't learn good. You're making up words hoping that we will track. What's the word I'm about to make up? Hawk of a horse.

Dude, I'm not making up words. I am perfectly. What's the word? It's hawk. H- dude i'm not making up words i am perfectly what's the word it's hawk h-o-c-k a ham hawk the ham hawk is the part of the pig where the foot attaches to the leg that's exactly what is in the soup so eat it literally eat it it is delicious but they would always make that like a big family gatherings and it was so good so good wow well this has been a heck of a show guys a heck of a show we did it jason's sweating a little bit like oh man all this soup talks got me hot and bothered hot and sour over here all right uh well we got one more important thing. What did we learn today?

Well, I'll jump in. I learned that Brooks is a hybrid typer on his phone, and it's changed my opinion of him. I mean, I know he comes from Michigan, and they do things different back there, and you got thumbs and fingers all over the place, but that's what I learned. I learned that Alexa will try to have you kill yourself, so be careful out there.

And I learned that fartrepreneurs, they're making some serious money out there. $50,000 a week. I mean, that's good money. That's good money. That's good money. Might have to look into that. That'll do it for today's show, everybody. Hey, tell your friends about the podcast.

Get them in on the fun. We will see you next time on the Spitballers Podcast. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.