Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 179: Bozo Updates & Daredevil Activities - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

On today’s show, we talk about living out of famous buildings, teaching high school, and having no one show up to your funeral. We also establish the line of when a puppy becomes a dog. We shut things down with a draft of daredevil activities. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwatch, this next episode is probably in our top 50 best episodes. Oh, most certainly. Top 75 episodes we've ever done. It could be as high as number one overall. I don't know. I can speak to that. It hasn't happened yet. It is in that range.

Wait, we haven't had a number one? Oh, no, the show that we're about to do. It's about to happen, Mike. Now, hold on a second. Before we jump into that, I want to remind you you you can support the show if you enjoy it if you're on your long journey through all the episodes and you want to say hey i love this i want more and i don't want any ads and i want to listen to shows ahead of everybody else my show and i want it now you can support the show by going to join the spit.com and becoming an official Spitwad.

Head over there right now. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh no, hey ho, wee wee, ba-ding-a-dee, ouch! Okay, alright. Ba-ding-a-dee, ouch. I get it, I totally get it, but I'm going to be honest, the only thing I heard was wee wee.

That's it, that was it. I mean, you had a wee wee in there, and my child brain could see. Did you go all the way home, or did you go into a urine joke? I went to a urine joke. Okay. Welcome into the Spitballers. We're back again. We are.

And if you think we've run out of material, you can tell from that scat, no way, no how. I mean, that was original. When in doubt, hit them with a bedingy. And a wee-wee. We've got Would You Rather, that's a great question. And we are drafting daredevil activities, adrenaline junkie type of things. What are the best ones? I don't know if i would classify any

of the three of us as adrenaline junkies no yeah certainly not i mean when i look at this list i'm like i'm looking at this list and when i'm seeing all the different things that uh psychopaths do right um i'm not looking at them any of them as like this is what i want to do oh really my list is going to be stuff that i wish that i i had the intestinal fortitude to do yeah i mean i know who i am so i look at this list and i go that's that's for crazy people that's a good one there are things that i if you took away my responsibilities as a father, I would immediately do. There are a handful of those. I've even said, like, I think I would like being a motorcycle guy.

Like, I think I would enjoy riding a motorcycle, but I will never do that because that is a license to die. So, I mean, I now have a family. Looking at my list, there are three things that I would actively want to do and the rest are all okay too much for this guy yeah well that that makes sense none of us are actively doing adrenaline jumping things but um this will be a very fun draft there are a lot of things out there that um sound pretty exciting if you have the intestinal fortitude all right let's do some.

Would you rather? Would you rather? All righty. Blake from Patreon. Would you rather live right next to a huge arena or the airport so huge arena implications crowds constant unending crowds noise um traffic you're not gonna you're not gonna get out of where you live okay i went immediately i went right to the noise and i was like yeah well which like arena i know you can kind of hear the music on the outside, but not too bad.

Meanwhile, the airport is going to be a disaster of just jets nonstop. But you were right, Andy. If you lived by a huge arena, there would always be huge events, which means huge crowds all the time. Traffic. Traffic is the number one problem here because when you have a huge arena event and it's not every night you know you might have most nights you but you might have some nights off but when there is something going on in that arena just making it home just oh you can't

you can't you right you can't get through the that area is exclusively for people coming and going from the arena if you live there i'm so sorry you may not participate in your home people looking at my calendar because i'll have all the arena events in my calendar like whoa mike well you go to a lot of shows you're like no that that means do not leave my house no i i thought it would be really neat to live directly next door to like, you know, just me, like the baseball stadium, because I could walk to games and walk home. So if you're a fan of that specific sport, I'd be in.

But I even thought about this this past Christmas. There's a neighborhood in Sun City Grand that is just, everybody lights it up. It's just, it's an on-demand attraction a full neighborhood and we go and there's cars i mean you can't get into it people are walking it and i couldn't help but thinking the entire time how do these people leave their home or go go to their house it would take them 30 minutes to get from the entrance of the neighborhood to their driveway and god forbid they want to leave again and need to go to this store.

Yeah, you think you want to live on the street that has like – Where it's happening. The happening house. Like there's two or three of them, and these are the houses that get written up in the papers of everyone goes out to the voyage to sightsee and see the Christmas lights. That sounds like a tragedy of a neighborhood. Agreed.

Now, I still can see a lot of benefits, though like a tragedy of a neighborhood. Agreed. Now, I still can see a lot of benefits, though, to being by the stadium. Andy, you brought up season tickets for a sporting event. You just walk across the street and come back, especially something stupid like baseball that has like 700 games. You'd need to be close to the arena

to take advantage of that. Or you want to be able to Airbnb your place. Oh, I'm right by the big event location i can make money parking lot you park right in my front yard uh now twenty dollars a night there are some advantages to being there i can't think of other than like getting to the airport early i cannot think of any possible redeemable quality of being near not only the noise and the hustle and the bustle, but like that's, there's gotta be some level of danger being right next to an airport too, right?

Well, now that, I mean, we've read the story where they, they dropped the refuse on people's houses. So the planes could be doing that. I only tried to paint the bad picture of the arena on purpose because they're the picture of being near the airport is a disaster. I mean, we, that is,

we live in a neighborhood, uh, all three of us where, yes, where there's a, uh, an air force base that's 50 miles away. And the,

the air jet now, maybe it's different with a commercial airliners versus, you know, F 16 is flying over your head every once in a while, but it seems like twice a month they decide we're gonna do oh yeah it's called the bedtime ride it's called night training my friend and and it's when everybody is nestled in their beds they're going to try to blow the roofs off of every house and it just so then your windows are shaking and you're like

it just so then your windows are shaking and you're like we're under attack oh no you can't sleep through that you can oh yes i can brother oh i i didn't even know we lived near an air force base until i i was out in my pool at night and i was like oh that's very loud okay so you can live by the airport i can live by a train i can live by an airport so I can live by a train. I can live by an airport. So long as I'm asleep, you know, I'm good. I do not understand these jets, though. I will say one of the benefits, like when you hear them coming and you're outside, it's pretty cool to see the jets going overhead. Yeah. They're so fast.

But I don't understand is, like, I mean, look, not a fighter pilot. They all look the same. Like, they're all just, you know, these are military jets. Every once in a while you'll see the giant plane, but the jets. And they all look like they're all at the same height. And yet the difference in noise from jet to jet is like 100 decibels. Sometimes it'll just be a light rumbling, and you'll look up and they're very low.

Sometimes you'll look up and they're very high, and you feel like your house is going to fall down to the ground. Do you have any idea what's going on there? Yeah, that's engine trouble. They're going to need to fine-tune. That's really how they find out that they're having a problem with their military equipment. Do any? They take a flight and they go

that was too loud. Put in the loud engines. Do any of the fighter jet pilots do the thing with like the dumb teenagers with their car and yes I'm not afraid to say it. Oh the muffler. Where they're like my car is the loudest car on the road and that makes it the best.

I've never understood this thinking even when i was a dumb teenager but also the pilots get out with the big metal chains tied to their big old uh jeans dude do any fighter pilots do that like have you heard my plane it's the loudest plane in the air force i put on this aftermarket exhaust on my jet check this out you know this thing cost me three mil. Wouldn't you think that part of being a fighter pilot and being in a jet is some stealth? I mean,

aren't we supposed to have stealth planes? I don't want to know that I live near one. How did you know I was coming? I guess I'm going to... I heard you 30 minutes ago. I guess I'm going to live... I have to live near the arena. There's some redeeming qualities and there's no jets. Yeah, for sure. This is, this is a layup. No one. And I apologize if you live near an airport in a sentence, I just apologize. I'm so sorry for you.

Marshall from the website. Would you rather be a high school teacher or question or a clown? Or a clown. Oh, that's a good question, Marshall. Would you rather be a high school teacher or a clown? So I, from time to time, especially when there are quarantine universes where we live in and sometimes we're at home and have nothing to do.

I browse the old, um, ask Reddit threat. Okay. Not that I prescribed that to the world, but, uh, and people ask questions of all sorts. And, and this ties in here where one of the questions they asked was, what was something you did as an immature high school student to a teacher that you regret? high school student to a teacher that you regret. And so there were stories and they're upvoted and that, you know, and some of the things that,

that these half adults did to these teachers, including some, they would locking them into closets in the middle of class. And then these teachers are stuck there until the next class where they come out crying. Oh, my gosh. That's – Yeah.

Because people do not – I don't think that's the norm, though. No, that's not the norm, but – They're treated well. They're not treated well. Yeah, for the entire population, that is definitely not the norm. But, I mean, you knew some of those kids when you were in high school because it only takes one or two of them. And that class is ruined because you have that one kid in your class.

Yeah, but being a clown, this is another one of those airport questions where it's like, let's try to talk about what's bad about being a teacher. You'll be an elite juggler. Some people like the clowns. They want to go see the clowns. Some people do. I think that the over time, I think that we're on the downslide of people liking clowns. But it's a bear market for clowns.

Honest question, who likes clowns? If you're over five years old, who likes clowns? Not many people, but that's a big demographic there. It's like saying, who likes diapers, Jason? I mean, there's still a lot of capitalism to be had there. I was giving a benefit of the doubt that they're all under five. I do not think everyone under five likes clowns, okay? They all need diapers.

But I don't think that just because you're under five, I think two-year-olds can look at a man dressed like a clown and say, I'm afraid, Daddy. That's what I say. Bear market for funny clowns, but bull market for scary clowns. Like, that's very happening. I think, too, under five,

I think it's almost 100% hit rate on liking clowns. Because think about it. They haven't been introduced to scary clowns. Right. And it's just a silly nose and big shoes. And who's that? That's just funny. But what's like the last...

Who's the last big clown that made it? Other than Bozo. Bozo's the big one. Bozo the Clown. Is that a real clown? Because I know that name. Bozo the Clown. Yes, there was a Bozo the Clown show.

Oh, that was real? Yes. Not only was it a real show, but they had a game where there were buckets in front of you, and you had to throw ping pong balls into them, and then that turned into a ticket game at your local pizza parlor. Oh, my gosh. I just Googled Bozo the Clown.

Krusty the Clown. Bozo the Clown is flipping terrifying. He's got the ball down the middle and then the two giant triangle hair pieces. Yeah, with the eyebrows that are... Oh, I don't remember his eyebrows. Oh, man, the eyebrows are the problem. This clown has some skeletons

in the closet, man. Clowns seem like actual real skeletons. Right, that's what I'm saying. This is not a metaphor. I'm saying he has skeletons in his closet. Police, please go look at the closet oh my gosh clowns do feel like the entertainment version of jacks as the game like you this is what people were more entertained like back then you weren't flipping on the tv or anything like that

so it's like okay somebody paint your face and dance around all right that's funny right i mean so i don't think it's oh my goodness it's a b1 though that's that's got people laughing at you they enjoy your presence right i want you to guess when was when did bows of the clown stop like when when were they done doing the show i'm guessing the 50s 1728 now i honest answer i would I'm guessing 1970. The final taping, a 90-minute, and this is just Google. This is just the quick Google. Final taping, a 90-minute primetime special titled Bozo, 40 Years of Fun,

was taped on June 12, 2001. What? What? I mean. Bozo the Clown was still around when we were graduating? There had to have been multiple Bozos that wore that clown costume. Like a Gallagher situation? Like the brother bought the act? Can I ask a question?

Sure. Is there a child out there named Bozo? For sure. There's a lot of bad parents. Okay. I mean, a lot of bad parents. What's your vote here? One of them has to name their child.

There's no way I'm being a clown. I can't find one redeemable quality of dress. The only good thing about wearing a clown is that the clown makeup can hide who you are. Right. Because you don't want people knowing you're a clown. There are so many good things about high school teachers. I think there was a minute where I wanted to be a high school teacher. No, I would never be a clown.

All right, I've dug deeper. Thank you. There were definitely multiple Bozo the Clowns. Like Spider-Mans. Yes, yes. There was a multiverse with many Bozo the Clowns where they could all unite together. But now the proud owner of the rights to bozo the clown

is in fact david arquette wait a minute this is the actor from uh scream yes okay so he owns the rights to bozo according according to the bozo wikipedia he purchased Bozo the Clown, the character from Larry Harmon Pictures in 2021. For $12.39. It does not say. Is he waiting to roll out a feature film? I don't know. Wow. I'm going to vote for the high school teacher, too.

I wanted to be a teacher once. I don't know how bad it is now. I know you don't get paid and you get made fun of. Yeah. I know you don't get paid and you get made fun of. Yeah. It's hard because I think we had teachers we liked and maybe we think we'll be that teacher to people. Yeah, every once in a while you will make a connection with a student

and you'll know that you have changed their life drastically for the better. It will happen. That's true. That's redeemable. But can't you do that as a clown? Like inspire the next generation of humorous. Inspire fear. This is real.

David Arquette really definitely bought the rights to Bozo. He said he fell in love with Bozo the Clown. And this is a quote. Here we go. Quote, there's a lot of rebuilding we need to do for the love of clowns in general, says Arquette. You got that one right. You better get to work. Hope you're blue collar because you got a lot of work to do

rebuilding the love of clowns in general. Let it die, man. Let it die. It doesn't need to be back. VHS tapes is also out there saying we got to rebuild. I hope this whole thing thing i genuinely hope that this whole david r kept buying bozo this is fresh this is 2021 i really really hope that this whole you know he's painting big bozo the clown pictures in brooklyn and trying to rebrand clowns they are

coming out with a scream 5 and i hope that he just bought the rights to just make him into a monster in that movie. And that this is all a game because, David, you know the truth. Clowns are creepy. Does he own Blockbuster? I don't know. We have another Bozo factoid here, fellas. Oh, let's have it.

We've got to move on from Bozo. Never! One of the performers that was Bozo the Clown for three years was, in fact, Willard Scott. Remember the weather guy from the Today Show? Yeah. Apparently he

was Bozo the Clown at one point. Alright. We are moving on from Bozo. I can't let this go on any further. We will have a featured special episode bozo only um the bozo are you fact of the day so erica from twitter has a would you rather question for us would you rather have no one come to your wedding or no one come to your funeral now this one seems like a layup in the sense that you don't know who's at your funeral

because you're dead but here's the thing not if i make everyone rsvp before i go okay okay no i have they done that and you're paying attention you better promise me well you've got to get these cards out now then yeah because you don't know when it's happening you just want to know if we'll be there i'm thinking hospice has a little add-on or something where you can go send out the cards and get the rsvps and then you better let me know premium seating can you get premium seats oh pay for the front row if you're not if you're not there i will be back dude assigned seating at funerals that's the ticket oh i want casket side how big time are you yeah we'll see assigned i'm assigned seating that's the that's the the point

though is it's not just a matter of oh i won't know that nobody was at my funeral if nobody is at your funeral did it ever happen i'm worried about what happened are you still alive i'm worried about what happened before your death if nobody comes to your funeral that means one of probably covid's real busy right two things like one of two things you're either a monster right like that could be those are your bad bad people are those who don't have someone show up to their funeral or you knew nobody you had nobody nobody loved you you some random person dies nobody even knows you died so in saying that nobody shows up to my funeral that means before i get to my funeral i have a bad way i have a bad life or something has gone wrong

sure like no one showed up to your wedding well now does that mean that my bride also did not no one showed up okay and the mandatory people are at the wedding that's i mean people elope there's worse things in the world choose this and like i don't know if this happened for you guys but it certainly happened uh for me where the list the invite list just kept growing and growing and these were all people that i didn't want to invite it was like the politics of the wedding where, well, no, your father has these friends or these extended family members. They'd all be offended if you didn't go. And we have to invite them all.

And I'm like, I don't know those people. I don't care if they're at my wedding, and yet I have to pay for every single one of them to show up. The amount of tables at my wedding that I did not know. And part of it, of course, is like I have not met my wife's entire family by the time we got married. So she might know people and I might know people that the other doesn't. But there were multiple tables that I don't think either my wife or I knew. I will say this. There's a trap, too.

You invite a lot of people to your wedding, right? And then 10, 15 years later, certain family wants to get together, and you're like, I don't know these people. And then all of a sudden, someone says to you, oh, no, they were at your wedding. And that's a free pass to a hangout. If they were at your wedding, they get a coupon for a hangout. Not only do they get the free coupon,

but now you are a jerk because you don't remember them and they were at your wedding. Yeah, they remember you. Stop this madness. Stop it. We need to get these social politic games out of weddings. I think you're wrong there, Mike. Why is that? Because I think the average wedding gift

is $50. What is the average cost per plate? $10. No, it is not. $30. Who cares? It's a net win. If the average gift is $50, I'm not spending $50 per plate at my wedding.

I'm not having this thing at the Ritz Carlton. What if you did a little bait and switch? Like you invite people to the wedding and then it's a surprise funeral that would be a real turn of events thank you all for attending I know I can't stop thinking about assigned seating for the funeral and

doing I want to do my funeral at Richard Rogers Theater in New York on Broadway I want to sell mezzanine tickets that's prime that's prime seats give some premium tickets out oh hold on hold on jason just found something out what in the world this better not be bozo the clown listen to this bozo fact no no no is this a price per plate this is a price per plate i told you the average expect to spend an average of four thousand seventy five dollars for a wedding of sixty six guests.

Sixty two dollars. I told you late. I am now down twelve bucks per present. Wait, that's just the price of the wedding, though. Well, I mean, it doesn't matter, right? That's that's still the same. Whatever. I think that's your call.

You're saying every attendee, you just look at them as a per plate cost all in? Yes. They're just a number to me. I don't know them. But I mean, your wedding, it costs photography and stuff like that. That's why I wasn't sure. I think that that number did not. I think that was just food.

Oh, man. I'll keep diving. 60 to a plate. On average, I bet you 100 a plate on high-end weddings, 40,, $50 on low-end, $30, $40 on low-end. So that makes sense. No, that is just food and drink. Which is also, that's another thing for me, is what are these wedding meals that we keep serving

where it's like the fanciest of the fancy, where it's like gets to a point where this is food that I would, I don't even want to eat this. Can we feed based on- Have you ever heard of a taco bar? Yeah. Hook it up. Who doesn't like a taco bar?

No, people actually want that food more often. We did catering style at our wedding. We had this stuff set out. We didn't do per plate service. They went up and you filled your plate. Yeah, but what kind of food was it? I don't remember. Did you have like the roast beef?

I think it was barbecue. Oh, good for you. I had cheeseburgers and such. It's a long time ago. Now, can we give the plates based on how important the people are to you? Because then if you came to the wedding, you know, you didn't really want them there. They just get like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Yeah.

Show your ticket. Show your ticket, please. Or hear me out. Maybe it's a weight per present situation where you put your present on the scale and then you get your grade of meal. It spits out your food like a vending machine. Or at least a ticket to go claim your food and what table you're at. You're going to get poor seating. Now, the only issue I have with this, you know, I'm just spitballing here, as we are

known to do. The only issue I have is that the presents I really want are just money, and that's not going to weigh a lot. So I'm going to, someone gives me $1,000 in cash, they're still getting a bad printout here. Can you just charge admission to your wedding? Who's going gonna not do that i mean they have to come interesting actually that is genius and it weeds out the people you

don't want to be there absolutely like a cover charge i would pay to go to someone's wedding that i think is very important if they said if if i had a really close friend of me and they said it's hey we're we're charging well they do that it's called a destination wedding. Sure. Exactly. A destination wedding or a cover charge wedding. Please come to my wedding. I would be willing to pay my way in for someone that matters, and I would not be willing to pay my way in for someone that didn't matter. This is the solution. What was the question?

Would you rather have no one come to your wedding or funeral? Which I'm going to say I'd rather have nobody come to my wedding or funeral which i'm gonna say i'd rather have nobody come to my wedding because the most important person at the wedding is going to be the bride not the people there whereas the funeral a time to reflect the thought of no one being there would be i know you'd never know that's true so are you taking the funeral uh i mean both are great that's kind of like saying no legacy, right? Like, you don't know your legacy, but you'd like to think now that you might have one. I want...

Like, impact on somebody. I want 10,000 people at my funeral. That's what is, like, the goal. Well, the whole Truman Show audience will be there. Oh, I mean, they won't be able to fit. Well, they're paid to be there, though. That's fine. That is 100% fine by me.

Jason pre-buys a studio audience for it? I will take the nobody at my wedding and a packed house at the funeral. Goodness. Wow. Okay. Final answer, Mike? I don't think we... The final answer of the two, both very solid options.

I will go no one at the funeral because like i want my close friends family at the wedding okay all right let's uh let's move on spit wads we want to thank helix sleep for supporting the show because we like sleep a lot i like my sleep i don't like disrupted sleep i don't like uncomfortable sleep i don't like waking up and I'm bent into a pretzel and I feel like I slept on a piece of concrete with a concrete pillow because a lot of mattresses, look, the older I get, the more I even notice how bad some mattresses can be. And that's why we at Spitballers love Helix Sleep because you take this little quiz, it's two minutes. It matches your body type and your sleep preferences to the perfect mattress for you. And it kind of makes

sense, right? Some people are tall or short or big or small or whatever the case may be. Maybe you sleep on your side. Maybe you sleep on your back. Different mattresses match different people. So you want a perfect mattress for you. And that's what Helix does. You've got all the different types of people and all the different types of mattresses. You go to helixsleep.com slash ballers. Take their two-minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. Helix is offering up to $200 off a mattress and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash ballers. That's helixsleep.com slash ballers for up to $200 off and two free pillows. That's a great question.

All right. Dalton from Twitter, when does a puppy become a dog one of our most famous questions on this show is we we sort through dilemmas like this the transition from puppy to dog when does a boy become a man whoa these age-old questions of when so that's a little different because like there's a does a puppy ever become a dog because I call my dogs. I call him a puppy forever. Well, that's stupid. Like to their face. Yeah, that's fine.

I mean, you know, I call them barf bags. I don't they don't know what you're very mean to your animals. I love my animals, but they don't speak English. You love your animal. I love my animals, but they don't speak English. You love your animal. I love my youngest puppy the most. That is correct. Pepper has my heart. Wait, it used to be Sugar had your heart.

They got replaced. I mean, the newer model, Andy. We got in a beautiful, wonderful little puppy who can snuggle right up on my neck. Why would I want these big, heavy dogs? I mean, I still love them. I just don't want to have them anymore. The small dog crowd is one. So can the small dog ever become a dog, or is it going to be a puppy forever because it's so small?

It will become a dog. I know some elderly small dogs that you could never call a puppy. But I do think size matters matters size factors in here a large a large dog a large dog stays a puppy longer because it's about behavior and you see their behavior right puppy behavior is amplified in large dogs so to me time for me it's two years two years two years is the just my time limit in general two years from birth yeah it's a year and a half for small puppies though andy you don't you didn't realize that yeah yeah i'm sorry i'm not trusting mr barf bag over here mike what do you think i i think I agree with that, where two years seems the mark where you feel like,

well, this dog should be old enough to not do terrible things. But then they're dogs. There's always a little bit of puppy in there. Just like I'm nearly 40 years old. If you count the number of times that I have gone around the sun. But no, I'm saying, like, I don't the number of times that I have gone around. Are you a puppy? That I've gone around the sun. But no, I'm saying like, I don't think of myself like that. I'm like, man, you know, how old do I feel?

You're 20-something. Like that's, I don't look at myself, outside from the wrinkles, of course, and the gray hair, but you never, or at least I haven't hit the point where I look at myself and I go, that's an old person. No, I agree. I'm still dumb and still trying to figure things out. 100%. I'm a kid. I will stay a kid for a long time.

But specific to the puppy, I would add that they can't poop in the house. Okay. Well, but a well-trained puppy, like I've not had a problem with my dogs pooping outside. My point is if it's whatever- But I'm a good dog owner. Like if two years comes and they are not housebroken, you still have to call them a puppy. Okay. Because you can't have a grownup dog that's not housebroken.

That's still a puppy okay because you can't have a grown-up dog that's not housebroken that's still a puppy now why is it called housebroken when in fact they're the ones breaking their house they would break the house if they're doing the poops and the peas inside the house that's a good question like they broke the habit of going in the house they've been broken and now they behave no that's really what like a wild horse that's legitimately what it is is they have been broken and now they behave no that's really what like a wild horse that's legitimately what it is is they have been broken to the point of behaving in the house but what if they just but i don't want to break their spirit i just want them to understand that this is our house i think what happens here well it happens to a horse are the horses spirits broken and they're sad horses now yeah wild ones yeah no they just, they just figured out who's boss, man.

The Spurs taught them. Yeah, I mean, it's like a new pair of shoes. You know, you're breaking them in. You're teaching them who's boss. Those are shoes. Those are not in. That's not a living thing. Pretty close, man.

Breaking in your shoes? Pretty close. That's different. Yeah, no, you know. This is a precious animal. Dude, my shoes? Pretty close. That's different. Yeah, no, you know. This is a precious animal. Dude, my shoes are really nice. Well, I mean, look, that's more like breaking in a cow. Can you house break a cow?

If they're leather shoes, you can. I see what you're saying. You really broke that cow. Oh, my goodness. Okay, let's move on here. We've settled it. Shampoo Fully from Patreon, my goodness. Okay, let's move on here. We've settled it. Shampoo Fully from Patreon, our supporters, over at jointhespit.com if you want to support the show.

If you could turn any building, stadium, or man-made structure in the world into your home, what would it be? So you can convert any man-made structure or building or stadium okay i i had two things come to mind right off the bat first was the white house just because yeah that was the first one to pop you want to lick that claim that as your own it's the most famous house in the world i want to live there um but i feel like that's too easy, too obvious. Sure. Is Disneyland an answer? You could say like the castle. The castle in Disneyland.

Yeah, because it's got to be the man-made structure. That's a lot of noise. It is. Well, not when it's your house. Get out. Get out. Employees only because you need to operate my rides. But I was thinking cruise ship. If that was a house house you've got everything you need you've got kitchen

you've got entertainment that's a big maintenance fee to run your home it's very large millions of dollars a month that's probably true but I would enjoy it for as long as I can afford it

are you still selling tickets to it or is this just you and the staff? No, no, no. That's my home. That's my home. You will need a go-kart to get around your cruise ship. I get to have a go-kart to go around my house. I think is a better way to word that.

Is there any national monument style, or even like wonders of the world, where you would want them converted to a house? Would you want to live in the Eiffel Tower, for example, or is there things like that that fit the bill? I was thinking about it because I've always romanticized living in the big city, but you're in the... The high rise? Yeah.

I can't think of the word. Penthouse? The penthouse. You're up at the top. You've got this incredible view. You still have a lot of space because you're in at the top you've got this incredible view you still have a lot of space because you're in the penthouse but you still live at the very top of a building like getting things to that to that space like going i know if you live in a penthouse you're not doing your

grocery shopping i understand that nor are you taking the stairs yeah but it still is like to get like you're we've all done the rush home like i gotta go to the bathroom i gotta go to the bathroom and it's like as you're running in your door there the belt is getting loosened because you're prepared that is now parking and riding an elevator up 40 50 stories like that's all part of it i I'm saying that there is definitely an inconvenience. That comes with, sure, you could do a tropper dropper. So what you're telling me is you need an elevator bathroom. Well, yeah, you would have to.

You would have to have a small place to go. But just there's inconveniences because I also thought of like the Washington Monument. You're like, I live there. Right right that'll be a pretty pretty no one lives at the taj mahal right like that would be a pretty right place that would be awesome yeah but then you just live with the dead lady what about the pyramids like i realize it doesn't have the best lighting doesn't have the best lighting but if that was you could put it you could get a skylight in there. I mean, it's converted to your home. I think that would be very difficult. Maybe LEDs, but a skylight in the pyramid? That's tough.

Never heard of a drill? You got a drill? I've always, when you see the pyramids in pictures, they look amazing. Then you see them from the other side, and they are so close to like. They're right there. They're so close to. Have you been there, Mike? No, but I'm saying I know the pictures you're talking about where there's people living right

next to them. Society is right next to the pyramids. No, I've seen movies. They're in the middle of nowhere. I'm pretty sure I'm right. Okay. I mean,

this is a stadium question comes up again. I mean, a stadium is a lot of space, but yeah, I don't, I don't think I'd want to live in a stadium. There's not enough that you get out of that, other than having a field to go.

How big is too big? I don't know that there's anything. For a mansion, how big is too big for a mansion to where it is too? Not looking at expenses, literally looking at square footage to get someplace. You've got to go from this room to that room. I would not want more than 100 000 square feet that's too much for me that's my limit let's say you had to walk you

have to walk you cannot scooter go-kart you can't segue no rollerblades you got to walk how big do you want it to be 100 000 square feet okay in. Would you hit a limit, Mike? Certainly. If you have to walk everywhere, I mean... Like a mall. Do you want to live in a mall? No. I mean...

And every one of the shops in the mall is a different room of your house. I mean, that would be pretty cool. Jason's like, yes. I mean, look, you're not saying anything bad so far. I mean, we've all watched Dawn of the Dead, and they're all, I know it's zombie stuff, but they live in the mall, and you're like,

oh, that seems like that might be kind of cool. Maybe replace a couple of the escalators with some slides? Oh, yeah, of course. That would be great. We wouldn't have to do laundry

for a long time. Plenty of clothes there. Okay. You guys, you want to draft? Let's go. close there okay you guys uh you want to draft let's go spit wads it's a new year and you got your goals and at the top of your list might be learning a new language i know my wife literally just talked to me about she wanted to learn a new language she's like what what is that what is that software you use it's babble babble Babbel is what we use. There's a reason why there

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That's B-A-B-B-E-L.com, promo code BALLERS. Babbel, it's language for life. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting Daredevil activities. I have the 101. There are a number of things that I think are worthy of top picks in this draft, but I have to go with both the one that I think is synonymous with Daredevil activities and the one I would actually do if I didn't have a family,

which, again, it's not crazy risky even with a family. I'm not saying that it's like a 50 50 shot out there, but I'm too afraid to do it with young kids, but it's skydiving. Sure. It's skydiving. I think it would be exhilarating. Mike, I know you've done it.

Jason, you were saying that that's the one you were thinking about. I knew that that as soon as you said like the, you it's the one-on-one that you would actually do i mean parachuting skydiving that is that's it's amazing um and i think that that would be one i would there would be a parachute involved in my skydiving for sure yes um there would there probably a few that would be one that i would be willing to do like i i i see the appeal of it. I think it is pretty cool. I doubt I ever go out of my way to go skydiving because I'm busy and I don't care enough. So I'll bet I die without having sky dove.

Oh, sad for you. But I could see myself doing it. So if someone wants to bring me skydiving, feel free. All right. So that means that Mike is up next. All right. His pick. Mine is it's pretty similar to the skydiving,

but I think this is more of the feeling of the flying. I don't know the real name, but I always call it the squirrel suit. So you have the flight suit, the wingsuit, whatever. Wingsuit base jumping, is that what you're talking about? Yeah, exactly, yeah. Exactly. Where you jump, but then you get to fly just so fast and so far. That thing's crazy. And the people, when you watch the videos of professionals doing it, and they're doing

just... They're skimming the earth, basically. They're going in real tight squeezes in between two giant rocks. It wasn't dangerous enough already that I'm jumping off of a cliff. You know what videos you didn't see? Yeah. I've read the history of the development of these suits. The wingsuit?

And it was like the death rate is outrageous. I think that they've kind of, not perfected, but it's a lot safer now than it was. But that to me is like, that's the ultimate thrill for me. Because you're actually flying. Yes, exactly. Yeah, you're not falling, you're flying. One of the things about the base jumpers,

like when you see videos, because there's lots of videos of people doing it, is there's always the part of the things about the base jumpers like when you see videos because there's lots of videos of people doing it is there's always the part of the jump where they reach their hand back and pull the cord for the parachute but it does seem like that's a really important pull because it's a it's a low jump right so you yeah if you miss like if you reach back your margin of error is very small you better grab that thing i also worry like i i love that that's on my list but i would not have drafted it because i worry that my weight would not work with a wingsuit it would work jsu go anviling yeah i don't know man those looking like woyote. Probably not a big enough wing there. There has to be some level of weight where the wing does not hold it up. No.

They put him in a bubble filled with helium. You've seen gigantic jet airplanes. Yeah, but they're not just falling to the ground and then barely skimming on. Look, bombers are still planes, man. All right, I am up. I was really worried when you talked about the feeling of flight and because i thought you were going to take what would have been my number one pick this is something i expect i will do before really oh i know what you're doing is this the thing we were looking at it was the thing we were looking at and i just now

realized it is very expensive. Very. But you can book it now. You can actually just commercially go online and book it, and I'm talking about a zero-G flight. Oh, wait. The Vomit Comet, as other people call it. You're saying where they take you so fast that you become weightless like you're on yes outer space yes exactly so they have this uh reconfigured 747 plane that goes up to a certain level and then basically drops and does all these crazy uh maneuvers that inside you are weightless you have the experience of being in outer space and they actually do it

a couple different ways where you have the feeling of being in outer space the feeling of being on moon's gravity and feeling of being on mars gravity so it's like really really fascinating cool i would love to set you back what's it set you back one ticket right now is eighty three hundred dollars wow it's for a five-hour flight, and you get 15 dropskis. Oh, really? That's what they call it. At least it's not one single flight. That's interesting.

Yeah, you get a couple, and you get another pick. Oh, well, look at me back on the clock. I'm guessing they make you prepay for that one. Yeah. Yeah, I would guess so. Here's one that I find absolutely fascinating. This is this would be epic, awesome, terrifying. But I can't imagine that there would be any larger thrill in the world, including jumping out of a plane than experiencing the full true force of mother nature and i'm talking about storm chasing oh it's on my list storm chasing my list you know just go

watch the documentary twister and you can understand what these people live through very true to life yeah debris it's uh I mean, I can't imagine going out. Yeah, I'm in on this. I want to do it. I do too, but I'm too afraid. Like, I would. It's just, the funny part of storm chasing to me is that you aren't, it just seems like you're in like a micro machine compared to this storm, right?

You're in like a pickup truck chasing the storm. You're not fast enough to do anything. If that thing turns your way, you're not like a pickup truck chasing the storm you're not fast enough to do anything if that thing turns your way you're not driving away from a storm 100 you you you are at the mercy of mother nature here and you're unlike everyone else who is going underground into safety you're staying above ground and saying let's go at it they should call it storm standing because you just go find a storm and stand there well i mean you're not getting away it does seem amazing to watch just i can't even fathom the breathtaking nature of the force of what you would be witnessing in front of you and i don't ever want to could i uh is it possible like would you

is it worthwhile wearing a parachute during that event no you're gonna get sucked up into the i i think that the biggest problem is not necessarily the throw it's all the crap that's inside the tornado yeah i'm not jason thinks i'm saying to have the parachute open as the storm hits no i'm saying the storm throws you and then you parachute down. I don't think it's going to get you high enough. Yeah, it won't work. Also, Mike, to speak to the shrapnel, a lot of people think that that is the most dangerous part. Oh, is that not?

Well, if you watch the documentary, Twister, they were able to successfully just stay inside as they got all the way to the middle of the... Do you remember the end of this? When they belt themselves to the plumbing because they realized this plumbing is so old that it has to be very deep. Yeah, so it's very secure. And somehow they were able to go all the way through the tornado without ever having shrapnel hit them. That's true.

It's a low shrapnel area. Yeah. If you stay low, you're safe. Yeah. I'm going to say that the shrapnel will kill you. All right, Mike, you're safe. Yeah. I'm going to say the shrapnel will kill you. All right, Mike. You are up. Oh, is that how we're going?

Okay. Wait. Is that wrong? No, no, no. You are right. You are correct. You are correct. Oh, we're doing it like we always do now?

Yeah. I'm thrown off by the seating over here, man. Yeah. It's playing with my head. All right. All right. For my second pick, so I got the squirrel suit. him with my head all right for my second pick so i got the squirrel suit uh i'm also i'm gonna go with another uh another force of nature here i thought you might be going here because storm

chasing's great it's on my list i'm going with big wave surfing it's on my list watching what those people do on those waves that are 75 100 100 feet up into the air, and then it's just them on a board of wood or whatever the graphite, I don't know what they make a surfboard out of, and it's just them knowing that you're either getting the largest thrill of a lifetime or you are getting death.

Because if you fall... Yeah, you're not making it if you fall you're done you are it's it's over pretty close to so it is just it is absolutely insane watching with the skill of these people able to do it the courage to do it it looks so awesome there are two things while researching for this that when i just watch the thing happening my heart stops i can't breathe i am overwhelmed in my chair by looking at what these human beings are doing and you see the little speck of a human yes in between this mountain of a wave there is oh my goodness if you want a great documentary on big wave surfing there's a there's a netflix one out that came out this year 100 100 foot wave

okay and if you if you watch it it's it basically shows the pioneering of it and how they just they established the fact you could you know get on jet skis and go tow people out, and that changed the game. In these different places in the world, there's only a handful of places where these waves develop that are big enough to be drawn out there so that you can maybe die. That's crazy. So two great documentaries here on Twister and a 100-foot wave. I've been in the ocean, and I've been hit by a two-foot wave.

It can knock you under. It hurts. It hurts, and it can knock you on your butt and hold you underwater. I can't even imagine. I have certainly been in waves where I fell, and then I tried to get back up, and the next wave is a little bit bigger, and so it's a little tough. They're little baby waves. I still don't understand.

I never see the end of the wave what does this come to at the end like does it just bring you all the way to shore and it like dies cause I don't know alright my next pick might be the other one you're talking about but and there are a couple

of unbelievable documentaries on it I think I finally get it because I've seen them recently. I think I get why people do it because it seems insane to begin with, but it is free soloing. Yep. It is climbing a mountain

without ropes or cables, without security, where every bit of your being has to be focused on the next grip and the next climb. It's ridiculous. Your chance of death is certainty. It's when it's not even right will it's just like what point in your life do you finally die from this but free solo climbing seems like if there's a way i think the reason adrenaline

junkies do what they do in general is because of this factor the factor you know your wingsuiting you have to be perfect if you are climbing wingsuiting, you have to be perfect. If you are climbing a mountain without cables, you have to be, it puts your body one with nature. Well, not just one with nature. I feel like... Yeah, one with nature is camping. Well, you do this once and you survive.

Like, nothing else in your life, everything else is now the most boring thing that could happen because you have climbed the face of a mountain and knowing that if your hand slips you're it's over like the game is done you have lost i so don't don't do it don't do it because the rest of your life is going to suck. Yeah. And unlike big wave surfing and the wingsuiting, which both of those both of those are you make a mistake and you you can die. You make a mistake and you do die.

Right. And they both take athleticism, obviously, but it's not entirely on you. You know what I mean? Like you've got the wingsuit doing the work you can't just fly on your own you got a surfboard you're on free soloing this is you yes this is your hand your arm your muscles if you get tired oh sorry you're dead all right what's your next pick andy i'm gonna go with swimming with sharks swimming with sharks you get to be to go with swimming with sharks.

You get to be right in the face of nature greater than you. And this is one that I would do. Yeah. What? I would do this one too. Swimming in a cage? Yeah, the cage. You're talking about in the cage, right?

Yeah, in the cage if it's like Great Whites or something like that. And I would do maybe not the cage. I'd do not the cage with some not great whites probably. But with other sharks. If I was with like a trusted guy that took you out there or something, that seems pretty amazing. Oh, I'm with it, man. The cage, getting to be face-to-face with a great white shark,

that would be incredible. I would ask to meet the guy who made the cage beforehand i'd say could i have a small interview with the man who well we how long have you been welding how long have you been welding sir we we can't introduce you because he oh no by a shark oh no give me another cage maybe a cage within a cage have they tried that oh good uh how about a TV screen and I can watch them up close? I don't think I could do that. I literally think I would have a panic attack. I would die of a heart attack safe from the sharks.

We'll put you in a cage for some spiders. I would die of a heart attack safe from the spiders. And they get in really easily. I'm about to die of a heart attack from you talking about spiders. All right. It's back to Mike. I took skydiving, free solo climbing, and swimming with sharks. Mike has wingsuit flying and big wave surfing.

Jason has zero-g flight and storm chasing. And you'll see a theme here continuing of my just little wave surfing. No, my desire of of flight. And it seems like I think that this was like really popular for a time and has since kind of faded away. You guys remember wing walking? Oh, yeah. Where you stand on the old plane. They're in the old prop planes and like people would just get out so they could stand on the top of the plane.

That feels like 1940s it does and yet when you think about it that's some of the craziest crap of all time you're like how do i make i'm not getting enough of rush from this plane i know i will stand on top of it is that because we don't have biplanes everywhere yes that's why because that's the only wing walking uh that exists is on those like propeller. Because the new planes go too fast, probably. Go too fast and also aren't open. Like that's part of the help here is that you're already exposed.

Most planes, you're in a cockpit where, I don't know, there's a ceiling and walls and comfy pressurized system. But imagine that feeling. Because when you're standing on it, I imagine you're not really seeing the plane below you, and you could just look forward and pretend like you are actually flying. Well, that plane would be dropping refuse below as well. It would be mine.

Oh, Jason, you get to close out your draft. Two picks. All right, two picks here. Okay, there's a couple here that I like. I'm going to go with one somewhat similar to that, Mike, not nearly as stupid to do, but this is another one I think I would do. I think I would do this because it's not that dangerous.

It's just I know what you're gonna pick but you're just like the thing that's at risk is your uh your pride and covering yourself in a bodily function maybe I'm I'm just talking about paragliding oh no just literally like hang gliding wait you wait wait wait so those are separate things right there's paragliding is when you're pulled by the boat. Yeah, that's parasailing. Or parasailing. And then you went hang gliding.

Is there a difference between paragliding and hang gliding? Yeah, hang gliding is when you are jumping off of a mountain with one of those big hang gliders. And you have the triangle. Parasailing is when you're pulled by a boat with a parachute. Yeah, I didn't say parasailing. I said paragliding. I don't know if that exists because that would be a parachute. Yeah, I didn't say parasailing. I said paragliding. So what's... I don't know if that exists because that would be a parachute.

The main difference between these two sports, paragliding and parasailing, is that paragliders are not attached to a vehicle. Okay, so... So you're just like jumping off a... That means you're in a... You mean hang gliding, though, I think. I do mean hang gliding. Okay, okay.

That's where I am. We did it, everybody. I jumped off a mountain and I'm gliding down. Hang gl do mean hang gliding. Okay. Okay. That's where I am. We did it, everybody. I jumped off a mountain, and I'm gliding down. Hang gliding is on my list. Yeah. Unfortunately, you selected paragliding, and we're moving on. Okay. So that's my first one here.

And then my last one is one that I don't think I would do. I have already this week made fun of those who do this. Roller skating. Because it is pure. It's a weird thing. It's pure insanity that human beings, like, we do some dumb things. We just decide, I want to do this stupid, stupid thing. And we're even more stupider because we're like, well, why are we doing this this year?

Well, because we did it last year and we did it the year before that, so we're going to keep doing it. And not only is it stupid to do, but let's have this be a fun ticketed mass event. Let's have it be a global sensation. Hugely popular. I'm talking about the running of the bulls. Go ahead and run down the streets chased by bulls because why why would you do this why do human beings make it an event where you say hey check this out i'm gonna have a bunch of bulls chase you down the street oh awesome can i bring my friends

heck yeah man anyone you're all welcome they could kill so many of you. Wow, that is so stupid. Yeah, the running of the bulls, I find that. Why don't we do that with other animals? There's no reason. And if we did, we'd keep- Yeah, running with the lions. Go! The great bear chase each year.

Yeah, it's like, is there a line of just percentage chance of being mauled to death? Well, I think the bull isn't trying to eat you. That's true. So if. Wow. The bull isn't trying to eat you. That's true. If it's a dangerous animal, not trying to eat you. So just stampede is fine. Like running of the elephants. Oh, that would be terrifying. Oh, my goodness.

I bet you'd watch it on pay-per-view. I don't think I would, Andy. I think you're going to see some bad things happen. You will see some people no longer with us um okay swimming with the hippos you never you wouldn't do that oh gosh no they're trying to eat you yeah they are monsters my final pick for you all right my final pick this one seems to have fallen out of fashion it burned real bright uh in the 90s it was synonymous with extreme and synonymous with extreme games and it's all about speed i'm talking about the street luge oh yeah friends where if you're not

familiar with the street luge because you didn't grow up in the 90s think about you lay down on a board that has wheels and then you just go down a mountain as fast as you possibly can. They're very steep. They are not casual hills. No, it's a mountain, and you're just laying down. You know what's funny is we're going to get to the point where we can develop VR technology that's so real. Sure. It will feel like you're doing these things,

and that will never make one person that likes doing these do them because it's not the feeling. It's the fear. Yeah. There's no risk if there's. Yeah. If it's VR. Yeah. So, so the street loose, I will close it out with what I thought would be an easy pick

along the way. Bungee jumping. I mean, bungee jumping is the synonymous daredevil activity. It's accessible to so many um i don't know if you've ever seen the funny videos where somebody's bungee jumping and then right when they jump their friends are going wait wait wait wait wait i've seen ones where they like throw a cut cable yes over them it's just that's that's mean so i will go with bungee jumping to round out my top four i do have some other uh quick considerations out there oh yeah let's let's have the the uh waiver wire wonders here uh the high wire uh tightrope walking was one of them sure um and then i also had the

uh the the ice climbing i don't know if that's different but climbing ice seems trepidatious stupider than a mountain. Right, because it can fall apart. So did you guys have any scuba diving? I don't know if scuba diving is a daredevil activity. I would count like, I don't know what you call it. Deep sea diving or caving? When you go scuba diving in a cave, it's very dangerous.

That's skoolunking. There uh that's skoo lunking there's also um skoo blunking skoo blunking we got there there's also the thing where you like dive down to to boats but like no scuba gear so you're just like oh where they just try and go as deep as they possibly can yeah that's oh that's called drowning yeah that looks fun no no but there's where they like they hold on to a weight because that's so they can go down as fast as they possibly can that's called drowning um the ones i had on my list sleeping formula one driving oh yeah that would be gnarly cliff camping kite surfing oh kite surfing looks awesome it does look awesome i knew a vc that was an avid kite surfer in san francisco i don't know he might still be but this is a dangerous sport

um and then the other one that i said took my breath away i can't watch it the same as your big wave surfing is speed skiing i don't know if you guys have ever seen i hadn't seen this until this week speed skiing is it's it's this insane like straight down ski slope these human beings are going like 250 miles an hour on skis but why i don know, but I got into this. When I see the angle from behind, I envision myself there, and I think I could never attempt. I could never, ever, ever attempt to go down something that steep. I can't handle like a bunny hill. Yeah, me neither. All right.

Let's figure out what we learned. What did we learn today? I learned that David Arquette bought the rights to Bozo the Clown. I mean, that's amazing. I was going to say, I learned we don't really need clowns anymore. We're done. And I've learned, we've already known it, just that we humans do really stupid things.

Yeah, they do. What about clowns out walking on the wings of airplanes? I think that might be the next big thing. I think that might have happened. Like, similar to a rodeo clown, like a clown at the air show doing some wing walking. Rodeo clowns are cool. There we go. We found a good, acceptable clown.

If you're going to be a clown, go run from the bulls. That's going to do it for today's episode of the Spitballers Podcast. Make sure you tell a friend about the show, and we will see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. What a gas that episode was. My face hurts from smiling. So good.

Do you remember when this episode started and we were talking about like joining the spit? Yeah. That was like 60 minutes ago or something like that. And I remember when I was listening, I was like, oh, I got to remember to do that. I got to remember to go to jointhespit.com. I want to support the show. I want to get the episodes early.

This is really for me. Yeah. So I'm going to go right now to jointhespit.com and who knows? Maybe I'll see you there.