Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 18: Sit or Stand to Wipe? - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 15, 2018

One of the most controversial topics ever discussed on any podcast anywhere. Incredibly deep and powerful conversation on today's podcast including things like body odor, Fortnite, and being slapped by your wife. Of course, no episodes feel complete without a Spitballers Draft and today the guys are drafting survival equipment. Who will live and who will die? You decide! Enjoy the latest Spitballers Podcast.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome Welcome in. I just realized the three buffoons they're talking about. It's us. They're all you, Jason. Yeah, look, multiple personality disorder is a real issue. And that's what we're covering here today, Real issues. Real hard-hitting issues. Analysis, life advice, some would-you-rather.

I guess we're doing a mock draft today. Yeah. And I guess I have the first pick. That's what I was just going to say. So I need some details. I see the topic here. I'm going to save it until the end to reveal. But I'm going to need some rules set for this one.

It's going to be tight. We just did serials. So there you go. It's going to be a great Spitballers episode today. Aren't you excited, Mike? Did you hear that growl? Was that your growl? Yeah.

I thought you were mocking my growl. I was, but it's also my growl of excitement. At Spitballers Pod. Multiple use. Thank you for interrupting our Twitter handle, Mike. You got anything else? No. At Spitballers Pod.

Actually, I mean, it was just low-hanging fruit. It was right there. What do they do on the old Twitter? You go to Spitballers Pod. At Spitballers Pod. That's what they do? Yep. If you want to follow us on twitter maybe jason

can answer the question properly uh well when you go to twitter.com spitballers pod you uh click that little heart on all of our cool tweets they're so cool and then you submit questions to us you vote on polls of like who won j? Jason. Who lost? Not Jason. No, never Jason. That's how the poll options are now. Jason, not Jason. You explain Twitter, but you don't say you should follow us on Twitter. No, you should never do that.

Okay. Spitballerspod.com is the website. We're on Instagram, Facebook. You can send in your questions. Look, maybe you've got something going on. Maybe you need help. Maybe we can help. Spitballers to the rescue.

We have a heart for people. We just want to fix what's wrong. Like Coldplay. And honestly, I don't think that there's anybody We just want to fix what's wrong. Like Coldplay. Honestly, I don't think that there's anybody more equipped than the three of us to... Well, we've each got our special skills. Yeah.

Nunchuck skills. Still trying to figure them out, but I'm sure they're there. First life advice question comes from Hayden on the website, spitballerspod.com. I'm a freshman in college and my roommate has some serious BO. I don't want to make an enemy of my roommate for the next eight months, but I also don't want all my stuff to smell like something died. What do I do? This is rough.

Freshman year, right out the gate, you go to college, and you got the stinky guy or gal? BO is troubling. I've done the Uber drive with the BO car. Oh. And unfortunately, my wife and I were in the same car. We were going long drive to the airport. Oh, an airport drive? We were dealt a 35

minute BO drive. It wasn't a good driver either. I don't know if those two are correlated. I've experienced something similar. It was the smoker Uber and it was an airport drive. You're talking freeway. Freeway driving

but you had to go windows down fully down so a solid 45 minutes of just getting punched in the face with wind with wind still better i don't know why we didn't do that you gotta go windows down yeah that that was you you left the windows up in the bo mobile we did wow um look there's a lot of different ways you can go here hayden okay you can go passive aggressive you know just talk to your roommate about all those stinky people out there oh don't you hate when those people are are smelly but you know i'm i'm not that confrontational that is too confrontational for me i would i would go buy i would go buy a bunch of like all the nice shampoos and the deodorants but i buy two of each and then i would

wrap them up in giant gift baskets ah and i'd be like oh i just look i just won these gift baskets but i've got two oh you just won them yeah oh yeah no i didn't, I just won these gift baskets, but I've got two. Oh, you just won them. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I didn't buy them. I won these, but I don't need two. If you buy it, then you're sending a message.

Right. So if you won it in a con, like you were on Wheel of Fortune, and the only thing you came away with was two gift baskets. A gift basket of deodorant and body spray. But you've got to have the two, if you win one and you're like, why don't you have it? Yeah, it's got to be two. See, I was going to go the Costco route.

I was going to be like, man, I just picked up some stuff from Costco. I got this 12-pack of deodorants. I don't need them all. Do you want some of them? Now, you could also. But you can't make them use it. Yeah. That's the problem.

I mean, an ordinary human life, I'm sure these BO individuals, they all own shampoos and conditioners and they all own deodorant. What they do is they skip showers, they wear shirts that are dirty, and they pay no mind to it. It's like bad breath or something.

You don't know until you know. It's a mercy to give them that information. You're going to have to outdo your... Outstink them? You're going to have to outstink them. Whoa. I didn't think that that was the solution. You've got to make them realize there's a problem here and it's

that guy. And then he has to solve it. Right? Because if you're super... Teach a man to fish. If you are crazy stinky, I'm talking maybe no wipe stinky. No wipe. Look, you've got to take it to the next level. You've got to be.

Speaking of which, just a little PSA here. Use the Febreze in the bathroom next time in the office, Jason. Yeah. The other day, you were this man. And I'm telling you to your face that was a b.o that was p.o yes uh correct yeah but you know what p.o becomes b.o and then that becomes your lifestyle see here's i'm gonna be honest with you jason i love you but i don't want you to hurt yourself and i want you to hurt those around you so use we buy it for a reason hayden here's the problem

with the direct confrontation approach which andy holloway is now employing correct i ain't never using that febreze spray in that bathroom ever again this is a vindictive po well there's more than just me in the office mike how do you feel about this vindictive po i can only speak for myself and I am quite liberal with the Febreze because I do not want someone wearing my fragrance. Chase Salt by Calvin Klein.

I'll make sure next time that I'm going to lock one bathroom know when Andy's going and right beforehand I'm taking a poop in the garbage can. No flushles. This is the route I thought Jason. According to Jason, if someone doesn doesn't flush you go poop in the other toilet and don't flush it's he's an eye for an eye type of bo guy and i don't for a turd i don't think you smelling bad is the solution here it's gonna hurt your social what i thought jason was gonna do is he said he was gonna go to the

store buy a whole bunch of like bags Ziploc bags and put all of your clothing and things you gotta everything airtight so that it's not exposed to the elements of the room you're gonna make him protect his own gear this is what I thought Jason was gonna do

I thought you were saying you're gonna go to the store and buy a bunch of potpourri no no no you gotta start sprinkling it over his bed just like the salt guy was going to do. I thought you were saying you're going to go to the store and buy a bunch of potpourri. No. No, no. Start sprinkling it over his bed. Just like the salt guy? What happened to potpourri? I feel like potpourri's out.

And it was real big when I was growing up. Yeah, here's what happened. People realized that it smells horrible. Yes. Potpourri is not a delightful... You don't walk into a place that's over potpourri

and go, this is fantastic you you you go ah my nostrils burn comparatively though to poopery but i would take pulper they've been replaced by the oil burners and the and the glade plugins so mike do you have any other solutions here i mean i would transfer rooms wait a minute the i think your insight on my poop life. Why don't we just buy Febreze? For Hayden? Yeah, just like...

That product exists. You buy Febreze, Febreze some stuff down. Hayden, here's what you do. You go down to the military surplus store. You buy yourself a gas mask. Oh. Right? You buy the mask you go then you go get two economy-sized uh things of febreze and you just raid that room and while the while the other person's in there and they will get the message okay yeah i look

the the real funny part of this is things like that, it's like the fly down situation. It's like the food stuck in the beard or the tooth. The real truth is this person is never getting married if you don't tell them the truth. Yeah. Be a friend. Be a friend.

Tell them this. Baruch from the website has a question, and we have some advice. So my son just started playing video games, and he plays Fortnite for three hours a day, so I took his Xbox away until his grades get better, but now I started playing, and I can't give it up. What do I do? Oh, man. A little Fortnite trap.

Look, it's a popular game. I hear something like 5% of divorces right now are credited to Fortnite. Wait, is that an actual stat? According to Alexa. On the Alexa show, which you can't ever, I mean. I trust robots. Do you trust Alexa or Wikipedia more? Doesn't Alexa just pull from Wikipedia?

Probably one and the same. Do you trust Alexa or Siri more? Ooh. Oh, the battle of the robot women's. Hmm. I trust Alexa more. I really do. I feel like Siri never listens to me.

Alexa, when I ask a question, she knows what I'm asking. She understands me. She gets me. Why do I have such bad BO siri not my problem uh siri always thinks i'm saying something different really let's say it's uh you don't feel listened to exactly you don't feel uh well in this situation you've you've stolen something fun from your kid and now you then you tried it right and now you love it and you don't want to set a bad example this is a no shame situation this is a you put you make sure that that system is on the main television and you play it all day you play it and you make

that kid want you go oh this is so much. I'll bet you wish you could play. Get them grades up. You know what I mean? So you're going with the motivating tactic. But I think the problem here is once the grades are up, he doesn't want to hand over the sticks. Play with your son. Yeah, so that's where I was going to go.

This is a great bonding experience. But you can't. If this is a console. I've never played Fortnite. Yes, you can play on a console with multiple people. But, so that's where I was going to go. This is a great bonding experience. But you can't, if it's a console... I've never played Fortnite. Yes, you can play on a console with multiple people. But is it one player? You can't split screen Fortnite. You can split screen Fortnite. You can't? For real? Yeah, I think so. I don't think you can do that.

We need to... I'm not 100% sure because I've seen the console multi-people playing situation, but they've had two consoles and two TVs. Splitscreen. So I'm not sure if that's true. This is very important.

I think you can. My son wants me to play with him all the time, and I have said, well, I just don't have any place to play, and he knows all the ways around it. The truth is, I'm going to be so bad. I don't want to play with my son because I don't want him to be embarrassed of his father. What do I do? What do you do?

This is a question from me. You play with your son. Who cares how good or bad you are? You know what's fun? It's when your 7-year-old or your 8-year-old or your 9-year-old tells you all the cool things you need to do to become better. Being taught by your kid to do something great, it's minorly humiliating but mostly fun.

Yeah, so okay. Because it's their expertise. How much of their life do they get to spend sharing their expertise with you? Most of the time you're teaching them lessons. Here they go, no, Dad, this does that, and that does this, this and this does that can you split screen um my research says no okay man so i think what i had seen was two consoles two tvs next to each other oh that's a good solution that's what my brother does just buy another tv and another console this sounds this sounds outstanding. I mean, what better excuse to go get another television than to, look, I'm trying to spend some time. Right.

Trying to spend some time with the boy. We're going to play Fortnite. So this is like when you take the phone with Farmville away from your kid like years ago, and then you become addicted to planting crops. Right. So you're not setting a good example. Obviously, you're disappointed that this child is playing three hours a day at Fortnite at the expense of their grades. Now you're a hypocrite. Now you're a hypocrite.

Well, make sure your grades are up. That's the issue. How are your grades? I say my grades are fine. Just got my review at work. I'm outstanding. And then when he loses his job because of Fortnite, there's some comeuppance here to be paid. This is a much more important question and fits with the Spitballers theme.

You know how different shows or directors, they have a certain theme that just kind of permeates through their movies, right? J.J. Abrams will always have- Lin's flares. Lin's flares, exactly. John Woo with the doves. The doves and the slow- J.J. Abrams will always. Linz flares. Linz flares. Exactly. John Woo with the doves. The doves in the slow-mo. Yeah.

So for us, it's more, it's less that and it's more like poop related topics. Right. Yeah. I'm so proud. That's our, that's our like a ribbon. Our calling card. Our calling card. Our ribbon that flows through is brown.

But is it really our ribbon or is it, is it the world's ribbon these questions come in it's just life everybody poops i realize that now comparing a ribbon with poop i don't think that that's necessarily the picture i want i think it's perfect i can this is one of the most commonly asked questions from the website from twitter it's been sent to us it's a wait this common? It's very common. I have seen this question a hundred times. I've seen this question. Every time we get this question, it's always in the... I don't understand this question.

It's always in the situation of a fight. Like, my girlfriend, my fiance, my wife, and I are arguing over this. What's right? I just found out people do this. that's my take are you supposed to stay standing i'm sorry hold on hold on let me reread are you supposed to stay

sitting or stand up when you wipe explain this to me because i am here's i don't understand standing up and wiping at all the The only thing I can think of. Who does that? How do you enter a gate? Right? How do you enter a gate? You walk through? But should that gate be closed or open?

It should be open. To get through? Yeah. Are you comparing your butt cheeks to a gate? Yeah, because when you stand up the gate closes not necessarily your gate does not close when you stand up how standing are you like okay upright no so all right and what how is this a question hold on i think we're about to about to find out a deep dark secret about jason we've got a he's a stander we've we've got a a confession moment wow for the majority of my life i was a stander how does this even work i was a post poop stand

wiper that's disgusting but it's not yes yes it is now i get what you're saying right you stand up in the elevator doors they shut yes okay and they shut and they shot and squish they've there was a tootsie roll in between the in between the doors and this thing is just it was a melted one now it's everywhere but the thing is what is, I'm not shutting the doors. How is it more convenient? Here's what I'm not doing. I'm not standing up straight as an arrow and walking around the room and doing high kicks to help me wipe.

Okay, this is a situation where you lean forward. Okay, you're already in the sitting position. You lean forward and basically stand up, and you're doing the booty scoop. But are you standing or just squatting? It's more squatting. Are you swiping from the front or the back? You always – Front to back.

Front to back, always. Always. Here's the thing. It's a squat, but both cheeks are leaving the toilet okay okay but that's what that's what defines the standard i've always thought he had nice quads yeah exactly and and the reality is you you could just reach better okay i can understand a my arm length has always been sufficient for a full sit. You want to know my issue with the sitting?

My issue with the sitting is... It's not often. It's very uncommon. Uh-oh. But the hand has touched the water before. And I know it's true of you two, too. Tell me that your hand has never... My hand has never touched... Now, you're a liar

the toilet papers touched the water which is awful as well which is terrible but my fingers my hand has never touched the water of course you've accidentally scraped the water yeah and it's like shocking so this is a water avoidance

this is a water avoidance this is a water avoidance. This is a water avoidance. This is more a clearance for the due diligence that needs to happen. It's actually due diligence. The due diligence. Right there. However, I said most of my life I was a stander. You've converted? I have converted.

In your old age? I'm a sitter. And there's one reason. It's being mocked. Really? By your... Who do you think? By your wife.

The wife. Because we get engaged, we get married, and then, you know, look, you marry long enough, you accidentally walk in on someone or whatever. or whatever, and when she saw me wiping standing was a horrific what-the-hell-are-you-doing moment. So you, hold on, but now you don't door shut? No, of course I door shut, but if I don't lock or... Yeah, what is your policy around the handles? Oh, mine is 100% the door is shut.

This is shameful what is happening either direction yes you both full door oh no not me you know i can keep my my wife is like well just leave the door open whatever i will but you are you're ashamed yes you're a man who literally embraces poop jokes every other minute of the day of course but. But you're ashamed when you... Because there's poison and toxins are leaving my body. Poison? Yeah, well, of course. You don't think poop is poison? I've been trying to get rid of this ground squirrel

in my backyard for so long and I didn't realize the solution. You need to mark your territory. Oh my goodness. Yeah, so I got made fun of profusely. And then, here's the thing. Because I did it from when I was a kid, it was very difficult to do the sit down. I'm trying to visualize this.

There's no way. There's no room to just lean to the side and get it done. It's one cheek. It's behind, man. One cheek up. Yeah, I mean, look. You're going full sideways? That's your problem.

When you're a larger fella, there's less room to get your arm in. We really, really need to move on. Would you rather? All right, this would you rather question comes from Mark Nicholas from the website. Would you rather be the most talented person in the world or the luckiest person in the world that's a that's a weird one that's this one's easy for me it's it's pretty easy for me as well well maybe we won't linger here very long but i'd rather be the most talented person oh see i would rather be the luckiest person 100 the most luckiest. The most luckiest. I mean, I realize that when you're the most talented.

You make your own luck, bro. Right. You don't need the luck. And you still do. You get the respect. You get to show off your skills. If you're just the luckiest and you're not talented, you can't really show off. Or can you?

Because you are so lucky. Let's say the scenario that popped into my head is a carnival no the pinnacle of utilizing the best luck is at the carnival it was it was a like a musical performance because it you know when i think of talent i'm a musician so i imagine like a maestro up there just someone ripping it up on the piano. But if you're lucky, you just sit down, and you are so lucky, you just hit keys, and magic starts to happen because you're lucky. I don't think that's luck. That's not luck, bro.

I don't think you can luck into the most. Luck is you're getting on the airplane, and the bulkhead is wide open, and you just end up in that nice seat you're talking about basically you're getting lucky in microseconds all day long because you are the luckiest person in the world but that doesn't make you you make every shot because you're lucky yes how are you defining that see you here's what i'll bring up for jason we did a superhero oh yeah the one that I won. No, you did not win.

You drafted Domino the superhero and felt that she was literally invincible because she's so lucky. Yes, she is. And that falls in line with what I'm talking about. You're winning the lottery every single day. But if you're saying you're that lucky, like superhero power lucky, then you've got to be that level of talent. And if that's the case.

That's why it's easy for me. If that's the case, I think I might take talent. I might go over to Andy's side. Then I make every shot at basketball, but it's because of skill. Yeah. Yeah. But I make the shots. I also win the lottery. Yeah, I was just going to say I can't win the lottery. I feel like you also get the best seat make the shots. I also win the lottery.

Yeah, I was just going to say I can't win the lottery. I feel like you also get the best seat at the restaurant. Your parking spot's always wide open when you hit the mall. You're up close. You know what I mean? Your business card's picked at the local Subway, so you get that free sub sandwich. You never win that thing.

No, you would in this situation. Oh, man. I want to be lucky. I want to be lucky. Forget talent. It's better to be lucky than good. It's a phrase for a reason. I mean, you're so talented, but you still get sick for some reason.

That cold that was going around, it just missed me. I must be lucky. Must be lucky. Grant Bowman says says would you rather have a pebble in your food every time you ate or step on a logo uh a lego every time you're barefoot oh this is every time you're barefoot yeah this is a tight tight one for me no and i think i would like i've i've done both of these things, and it is awful. True story. My kids recently acquired jacks.

Like a ballin' jack? Yes. What are you guys playing kick the can too? Yes. That's why I think it's funny. I haven't seen jacks since I was four, and so they've been around the ground on the ground at the house for any of the i haven't under 30 since for any of the under 30 uh listening jacks are these little

tiny metal x's they're multi-pronged yeah Yeah, Xs that are basically like, you know those- They look like the mines in World War II. Yes. Yeah. They're tiny mines or they're large. What are those little thorns that you always pick up? Oh, burns. Yeah.

A burr. A burr, yeah. A burr. A metal burr. It's like a metal burr that's three times the size. And you basically, this game was like the early 1900s when kids had nothing to do and metal shards were replete. You bounce the ball.

You try to pick up a couple of these little metal burrs, and then you catch the ball. How far we have come. Really? Back then, you were shooting marbles. Pick up the metal. Yeah, playing ball in a cup. Yeah. But anyway.

What a great time to be alive. I saw these, and I've seen them on the ground. And I'm like, if I step on one of these, my life's over. I'm like, this is going to be terrible. I got tile in the house. It's going to jam through my foot. It hurts to step on a Lego. It hurts to step on. But I've bit something and had a tooth break before.

That's where I would land. A piece of bacon had a big old hard piece in it. Broke a tooth in half. Trash. Horrible. I'm going to take the Lego. Yeah, I feel like I can live the majority of my life with shoes. I mean, I know there's circumstances where water socks, Jason.

Okay, all right. Have fun showering in socks. How much are you walking around? Hold on. Hold on. Are you walking around in your bathtub? Well, it's the bathtub shower in my mind. You're like, you guys are both scrambling to fix this bathtub walking problem.

And I'm sitting there going, do you fill it? And then you're walking back and forth. You have to step into it though. Yeah. And you're going to step in, hit that Lego, slip, die. You're a bathroom stander. You stand in the tub like you stand when you wipe. Yes, I take all my baths standing.

I stand in the bath and I wash up. I just grab the water and splash it up, get a cup. You're afraid to sit. But no, I don't want to bite through something. I cannot break a tooth. Breaking a tooth would be a cup. You're afraid to sit. But no, I don't want to bite through something. I cannot break a tooth. Breaking a tooth would be a nightmare. But at least here it says, when I'm barefoot, I step on the Lego. And this says, when I eat, there's a pebble in my food.

So you can spit it out every bite? I can just search for it and remove it before I take a bite. Well, every time you ate. I mean, every bite. Not every bite. Every bite. Every bite. just search for it yeah and remove it before i take a bite well every time you ate i mean every bite not every every bite every bite it's not every step you take you're on a yes it is oh i didn't read it as that i just read it as like every time you're barefoot wait it's just a gamble you just roll the dice no at least one time when you're barefoot you're gonna hit one and like you walk to the kitchen you're doing it only one time right and i feel like the pebble is there might be maybe you didn't fully choose something and you

happen to swallow the pebble oh yeah you're probably gonna swallow the pebble a few times there's no i'm trying to find a way to row shamboan with your teeth trying to find a way to take the pebble but the truth is when you bite something, it's a nightmare that lingers. The rest of the meal, I'm afraid of everything I eat. Yeah. Would you rather be slapped by your wife or your mother? That's the last question before our mock draft. What?

I mean, hypothetically. You got to get slapped by one. You got to get slapped. You did something. And the answer is my wife. I'd rather be slapped by my wife. The idea of being slapped by my own mother is the most – it's like I've failed as a – I mean, I guess I failed either way.

Yeah. But I feel like circumstances to get slapped – That's the issue. – are more likely to happen with a wife than a mother. So if I did something to get slapped by my mom, I'm a bad person. What would you have to do to your mother for her to just slap you across the face? I don't know. I mean, I would be ashamed of myself.

Now, I could do something. I'd have to punch my father. I could do something to my wife that I am proud of. And still get slapped. And still get slapped to the face by my wife. You guys live a weird life. Well, if you stand to poop, you probably get slapped. That was one of the reasons.

Wait, now he stands to poop? Wait, I stand to poop? I will slap you if you stand to poop around me. Yeah. You got to aim right. Plop. Whoops, I missed. Side tangent.

Have you ever been slapped? Ever been slapped? By, I missed. Side tangent. Have you ever been slapped? Ever been slapped? By, I mean. Anybody. Not in the way that you would think. I mean, I've been inadvertently slapped in the middle of a fight with a brother or something. I don't think I've ever been slapped in the face. Have you?

In seventh grade. Listen, at a church dance. Oh, this is great. So I'm minding my business. Sure you are. No, literally. I'm in seventh grade. I'm terrified of girls.

Yeah. And out of nowhere, a girl approaches me, full-on slaps me in the face. What? And I'm like, and I have no idea what has just happened and then she starts

to berate me this is a true story this is a 100 true story and and i said like what is happening and she starts accusing me she said my friends told me you said blah blah blah and i'm like what are you talking about and then she gets real flustered goes back and talks to the friends turns out which i said none of these things wrong guy but that doesn't change the fact that i got slapped in the face like it was a movie how did it feel not good oh that's funny that's really funny really funny. I haven't thought about that moment for a long time. I mean, what would you have to do to be slapped by your mother? I mean, she's not going to slap me if I say I don't like cooking.

I feel like if... I'd have to say something. It would be me cursing in front of my mom. It would be a quip. Wow! You curse in front of your mom and she'll slap you? It would be something like that where it's just a quick twitch, just an instant reaction because I do not curse in front of my parents.

Mine would be like my whole genetic line, my parents, my children, I assume my grandparents, my great-grandparents. They all stood to poop. All of them. We're stand poopers. Are super frightenable. Quick twitch. Oh, yeah, I am too.

Scared everything. Startle. Startle-able. Startle-able is probably what I was looking for. And that's what would get me slapped. But more than anything is me coming around the corner and just scaring someone, scaring my mother, where I just get slapped for no reason. I have had slapped fights with people. Yeah.

Well, your whole objective is you just. Where you do the take the turns? Yeah. Or you're fighting, but you can only slap, and you can do whatever you want. So then you've straight up been slapped. Yeah, just not in the way that I. That's what I'm saying. In the way that I that i'm thinking of it's like you've said something offensive right and then someone slaps i'm gonna take the slap from my wife and my reaction

i'm i'm gaining points here i will i will react in a way that the cops need to be called and i can't believe what happened and i will i will oh matter what I did, yes, it's going to work out in my favor. The Spitballers Draft. All right, why don't you explain to me what we're doing so I know what we have. I feel like I'm going to do terrible. I mean, I've got first pick, and I'm not even sure what I can pick. So talk to the people what we're doing today.

All right. We are drafting survival supplies. If I get this supply, then you can't get the supply. We're trying to survive. I like that. Whether we are. Size. I need.

Is this I have to be able to carry it in a backpack? Let's say size is something that you can use. Okay, so it's like you can't have a building. Be like, I would bring my farm with all my farm animals and the whole ranch. Okay, so that's a very extreme and stupid example. However, can you choose a gun? Sure. That's not a survival.

So wait, this is different than what I thought you meant. I thought you meant these are prototypical survival supplies. Bear grills gets dropped off in the jungle. He can't bring a, anything he finds at the local. You are stranded in a forever woods or a desert Island. What do you wish you had? So you can say just just for an example

you can say that you want a lighter absolutely as opposed to having to pick a flint 100 that's right okay you want you want a lighter you want a swiss army so can i say fire so you don't have it uh i don't think you can you can say fire sure but yeah you can say a lighter yeah do a lighter because you can't just be like but then can you go flint and then you get no no once you get a yeah once you get a survival thing all right all right go ahead this is gonna be weird the rules are tough here that's why i thought we were going with things you would traditionally treat as survival tools. Like a machete as opposed to

a katana or being able to pick anything you want. But alright. We'll figure it out. Yeah, we'll figure it out after I make my first pick. That's great. Yeah, I'll take a lighter. I want fire. So that means Mike and I

to me in this, that means we cannot take fire producing this is specifically why i asked uh the question about can you carry above so i can take a tent yeah give me a tent so you have shelter i have shelter yes he has fire protected why yeah from almost not the temperature not bears not the temperature either i am i am going to have a spear okay because because all the weapons available you want us i want a spear here hear me out this is the best pick of the draft. This would have been my one-on-one. A spear. Because if I bring a knife, right?

Like the classic, oh, you got to have a knife. You can do so many things. Okay. Wild animal out there. The boar coming at you. I don't want a knife to protect myself. I don't want him to come right up to me and then I get to attack. I want a spear. You didn't want the gun, though.

No, because you still need a knife for you want to you want to shave down a uh you can make a whole bunch of spears exactly uh unlimited spears for jason because there are things that you need to use a knife for so now i have a knife but let's say you want to make a spear out of a knife good luck where are you finding a rope to tie to the branch? And the second you hit that bore, that knife's coming off that. You know you can just whittle down the edge of a stick and make it very, very sharp. Yeah, that stick breaks and you're dead from a boring. This is what we used to do.

Because I, again, I still don't really understand the rules. Could you hypothetically have taken a barrel full of spears? No. That would be... Yeah, that's... No. That's crossing. You just...

It's singular. You can't have a gun with unlimited ammo. You're just... You've got an object there, and it's all the inherent natural qualities of it. So I've got a spear. So I got fire. Yep.

Oh, don't take mine. Mike has a tent. I know exactly what my next pick is, if you don't take it. Mike has a tent. I know exactly what my next pick is. If you don't take Jason has a spear and, uh, man, I've got a tough decision here. I'm going to go water purifier.

Oh, that's smart. Oh, that's, that's really good. Good luck. Fire and water. So that means I cannot take the LifeStraw.

That is correct. Obviously. You cannot take a water purifier. That is correct. You said water purifier. I'm specifically saying the LifeStraw. The LifeStraw brand of water purification. Yeah.

I mean, the LifeStraw is a water purifier. I take Band-Aids. I take the off-brand Band-Aids. Yeah, so water purifier. So I guess I took yours. Okay. Is that what happened? Yes, that is 100% what happened.

But I can take a hatchet. Sure. Good. Then I'm taking a hatchet because that's far more useful than a spear. No way. Yes, 100% a hatchet is so much better than a spear. You say you have a knife, but I want to see Jason holding the end of the spear with the other part sticking off as he works on a fish. I can protect myself with a hatchet, and I have full utilization to cut things down.

You still have the problem of the animal has to come close to you. Unless you're throwing your hatchet, you better not miss because then you're weaponless, you idiot. Are you throwing your spear? How long is your spear? No, I'm not throwing my spear. It's weaponless. You idiot. Are you throwing your spear? How long is your spear? No, I'm not throwing my spear. It's not a javelin. How long is your spear? Is this a 5-foot spear? Or a 10-foot spear? It's a 30-foot spear. It's a 22-foot spear.

Hold on. I'm putting that down. Hold on. You can pole vault with your spear. No, my spears what would that be? Like an 8-foot spear? Is that normal? Yeah. Six, seven, eight feet.

Sounds about right. It's just a spear. Six and 20? Go to your local spear store and look at the spears. I got one of those. So Jason's second pick, and I am excited to hear what it is, in light of the fact he now has spearing covered for his survival schools. No, I'm good there.

Man alive. There's a lot of different places. Is there anything else you even need? There's a... I got a spear. I'm good. So, oh, man, this is really tough. There's a lot of different ways you could go.

But you know me, man. I like the... I know you'll be dead soon. I like the cheat code. I like the cheap i like i like the no you'll be dead soon i like the cheat code i like the cheap wins i like the victories i like drafting things that make sure people can't vote for me because they're like that's too good you are you taking a cell phone a cell phone might not work i'm taking a satellite phone you're darn right wherever i am i'm taking a satellite phone. You're darn right, wherever I am, I'm taking a satellite phone, and I can get rescued, I can get drop-shipped things.

I'm going to let you pivot to a pager if you want. Oh, that's tempting. This would be a 911 pager moment. How are you going to reply if you have a pager? Can't do anything. I know, it's a joke. Bad joke. Okay, so you're going with a satellite phone. I know. It's a joke. Bad joke. Okay.

So you're going with a satellite phone. I get that. Yeah. That makes sense. I'm actually going to go with something I think will become necessary in my survival environment, and that is going to be a full first aid kit. That's a great pick. Front to back. Look, you're going to end up cut.

You're going to end up bit by bugs. You might need some antibiotics. You might need some wipes. end up bit by bugs. You might need some antibiotics. You might need some wipes. You might need some creams. You might need some bandages. I want to be able to survive. I need a first aid kit. You know, you always talk about how you would win on Survivor.

Yes. Which is ridiculous because I would. But you watch it forever. I'm going to tell you something right now, my friend. You're helicoptered off that island within 36 hours. Yes. You are helicoptered off. First cut.

Oh, no. He's not even getting cut. He's quitting? He's leaving by injury. Oh, come on. He's helicoptered by injury. No way. This man.

But I was just going to compliment your team. Oh, okay. Fire, water, first aid. Yes. Good luck with that boar. I've got one big uh yeah it's gonna be a tough decision for my last one i like that jason thinks that the absolute number one danger of being stranded in the forest is boars he's been talking boars for weeks i mean it's it's not it's

not shelter i mean you're not picturing yourself defending yourself against anything but a boar with that spear, do you? A bear. A bear or a boar. Any bee-related creatures? Yeah, I mean. Mike, you're up. Probably spiders. All right.

I got a couple different things that I want to go with. I'm going to take, because Andy has fire, I'm going to take one of those military-grade flashlights. Oh, dang it! I was going to go with light. You jerk! So I am in a tent, and I can protect myself,

and I can see in the dark. Oh, man. Doing all right. This is not good. I mean, all right. So I've got, I mean, I'm doing fine because of my satellite phone. I'm already off the island. This is true.

But goodness gracious. Okay. I've got, I've got a spear. I've got a satellite phone. I've got a spear I've got a satellite phone I think at this point because I don't have any fire or water I need to I need sustenance right I can I can craft shelter cheeseburger I'm bringing a cheeseburger just one I am going to get I'm sure there's a body of water somewhere. If we're stranded on a desert island, there's the ocean. If we're out in the woods, I'm taking.

We're on Boar Island. Hold on, hold on. Go ahead. I'm taking a fishing net. Okay, okay. Between my spear and my fishing net, I will have food. It's good that you could choose a multiple item set to catch that fish. Yeah, exactly.

See? A spear, fishing net, and a sat phone is what Jason has. I just need to stay alive long enough for the sat phone to save me. I just want to be clear about something to our audience. When you catch this fish, when you spear this boar, you are eating them raw. Raw dog. Is that to be clear?

I love sashimi. So no problem there. What do you call raw boar? Disgusting. A nice sashimi of bass. Nice. Okay. So Jason is on the edge of death here.

Are we going four or five? Four or five. Four. Four is normal. I know my last pick. Please don't take it. Well, look, at this point, you've already taken the tent. I value that as a piece of shelter that you've got.

I've got to trust that with fire and water and a first aid kit, I'm going to just have to do the work of the shelter on my own. But you know what? I don't want to be here forever. No. So I think I want a compass. Oh, perfect. Perfect.

I think I want a compass because I want to get out of here. Great. So a compass is an excellent choice. Yeah. What are you going with? I'm going with a map. Huh? So you're going with a map, but you you're going with the map but you can't orient

yourself on the map because you don't know where things are cool i'm pretty sure i know where the sun goes up and where the sun goes down and i also know where moss grows i've learned a couple things you know where moscow is i i knew i do know where moscow is and if i had a map i could get out of moscow you think a map is more important yes i would You think a map is more important? Yes. I would definitely think a map is more important. Yes. You kind of need both. But here's... No, because in most forests, when the sun's going up and going down and there's mountains and stuff, it's a little hard to orient. Yeah, it can be, but here's

the thing. I mean, there's a reason compasses exist. Not everybody knows where they're going. I have... Nor do they in, you know, the nighttime. I have... Well, I have a flashlight. Does a flashlight tell you where north is? But I'm also not traveling at night. Wherever I shine it, north is. I'm sleeping in my tent.

My shelter moves with me. I am systematically working my way out. You ever built a tent, Mike? No. Over under three hours to put that bad dog up. It's going with you. Oh. Hogwash.

I'm going to give you a nice Costco tent. Those things are pretty easy to put together. Thank you. I'd rather build a tent than build something out of branches and leaves. Yeah. He's giving you grief of, you have to build your tent. You've got to build a shelter. I'm nimble, man.

Enjoy your foot rot. I'm nomadic. I'm cruising around. I'm finding a cave here, a bush here. A bush. That's where you get in the bush crawl in oh man okay so many things i could bring i'm thinking like so many i would go with something else that helps with the fish i'd go like you know a fishing pole now oh that's not a bad idea you probably need worms

oh that's right some just a little bit of tackles some bait. No, look. With my spear and my satellite phone, I don't need anything else. But I get fish, which is awesome. Meh. Raw fish. You might get fish. But when... I want to see Jason with a fishing net by the ocean. I want to watch the next three days on video.

We have to do that someday. He's just throwing it out. Have you ever tried to throw a fishing net? I've never held a fishing net. I've never seen a fishing net in real life. Let me tell you, it's incredibly difficult. I've got plenty of time to figure it out. I'm stranded.

This is true. I mean, I don't know if satellite phones have, like, cool games, so maybe, like, I'll get distracted. It's got Snake. Yeah. All right. Snake's awesome. I would play that uh my last thing you've got a tent which is good right the number one thing you need first is shelter and he's gonna try to build shelter i don't know out of his first aid kit he's got

nimble hands and he's gonna it's the bushes yeah he's gonna get in the bushes you ever tried to build fire without anything good luck but you can't you i mean you can get sticks you can get you there are people who can start a fire and there are people i like that you said that i have to be one of them uh-huh but what's gonna help me build things and do things and set traps and do all sorts of awesome stuff is a hundred foot of rope i'm getting rope i can tie up a shelter i can make it out of anything i want your your tent and it's never getting better if i live on this island for the rest of my life i'm gonna have a mansion well technically you're not because you have a hundred feet of rope yeah you will run well now you got to carry a lot of rope. Rope is very heavy.

I can just cut off little pieces with my awesome spear. I need about six feet of rope here. So to be clear, we're out on Boar Island, and here's what we got. I've got fire by form of lighter. I've got a water purifier, a compass, and a first aid kit. Mike, you've got a tent. I've got three days to escape. I've got a water purifier, a compass, and a first aid kit. Mike, you got a tent. I've got three days to escape. You got a hatchet.

You got a flashlight and a map. Jason, you've got a spear, a satellite phone, a fishing net, and 100 foot of rope. Awesome. Awesome. You guys learn anything? I learned how to survive today. What'd you guys learn? I learned that Mike got slapped at a church dance.

Yeah, what'd you do, man? I learned that Jason is just terrified of boars. Boars are number one. Goodbye, everybody. Thanks for supporting us. Goodbye. Bye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.