Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 181: Antique People & The Worst Things To Find In A Pinata - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

On today’s show, we talk about burning Christmas cards, living without caffeine, and trading good food for extra years. Then we dive deep into the differences between several very similar words. We close things down with a draft of the worst things to find in a pinata. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

This episode is sponsored by Ritual. Protein powders can be intimidating, but the fact is we all need protein, and it's not just about muscles. It helps support bone health and helps you feel full. As we go through life, protein needs change, so it's important to choose a mix for different life stages. Ritual's Essential Protein is a delicious plant-based protein powder with three distinct formulas designed to meet the body's changing protein needs. I have used the Ritual protein powder with three distinct formulas designed to meet the body's changing protein

needs. I have used the Ritual protein powder. I have had it. It tastes great. It mixes up just how I want it. And look, they got me coming back for more. You can choose from three thoughtful formulas with 20 grams of pea protein per serving. And then there is the Ritual difference, with 20 grams of pea protein per serving. And then there is the Ritual difference, traceable. With Ritual's one-of-a-kind visible supply chain, you know the what, how, and why of every labeled ingredient. Daily support, made with a complete amino acid profile.

And like I said, it tastes great, delicious, handcrafted vanilla flavor with sustainably harvested Madagascar vanilla bean extract. Just the good stuff. No added sugars, no added sugar alcohols. It's soy-free, it's gluten-free, and it is non-GMO. If you're ready to shake up your protein ritual, our listeners can get 10% off during your first three months at ritual.com. Ritual even offers a money back guarantee if

you're not 100% in love. Visit ritual.com slash spitballers today for 10% off your first three months. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. What? There are no words there, Mike. It's just feeling. What? There are no words there, Mike. It's just feeling.

It was just, it was the, uh... It was so soft and so gentle. It was a little sultry. To a new time, to a new podcast. We're changing things up here at the Spitballers. Welcome, welcome in today. Are we a cool jazz radio station? Yeah, cool jazz radio station yeah cool jazz for the next hour no commercials welcome into the spitballers episode 181 would you rather

that's a great question and we are drafting the worst things to find in a pinata so i want you to prepare yourself for the draft because uh you just because you just need to step into that birthday party mindset. Everyone's taking a swing. Probably some kids around. And finally, the big kid gets up with the bat and he takes a swing and it finally breaks open. And action. And then this pops out. So I think it's going to be a funny one.

You can find the show on twitter at spitballers pod spitballers pod.com if you want to help support this show you can go over there find out how you can do that as an official spitwad supporter of the show appreciate all of your reviews we read them well i can't read but but al reads them oh no to me he reads them to me like bedtime reads them to me. Like bedtime stories, because a lot of people don't know this. Al talks us in usually around 945, but that's like our nightly routine. Read a verse, read a review, hugs, kisses, prayers. And Al usually does the, he does a great job reading those reviews.

So keep them coming. Thank you. And we do have a triple bunk bed, to be clear. Like, this is one of the few houses that has them, but we have a triple bunk. And I'm on top, so death could come to the other two guys. Mike's in the middle. Wait, why would I want to be on the bottom? Oh, you just put yourself in the death trap zone. Yeah, but he's in the middle of the sandwich.

That makes him the sandwich. Do you want to die slow? Sandwiches are named after the middle. That's right. We always talk about that when we're talking about this thing at the end and that thing at the end. We call it a sandwich. That's not a sandwich.

A sandwich is what's in the middle. It's a ham sandwich. It's a wheat sandwich. Yeah, the white bread sandwich. I'm going to stick with the bottom because I think I die instantly and Mike dies slowly. In the middle. In the middle. You're squashed.

He suffocates. And I'm just fine. I actually did. That happened to me as a kid. I pushed up on the bottom of the bunk bed with my brother on top. And the entire bottom just fell straight down. What? And he rolled off.

Did it come like the legs on the side actually came up and disconnected? Is that what happened? It was like the bottom that was holding it was almost like a, it seemed like a piece of thin wood. Yeah. And it was like you could lift a side and it wasn't wide enough to stay in there. Oh, okay. It just turned sideways and he came rolling out and I was stuck underneath.

Like a tumble? Yeah. Yeah. It was scary. All right. Actually, we were mostly afraid our parents were going to get mad at us for goofing around with the bed. Let's do some Would You Rather.

Would You Rather. Would you rather? Andrea from Twitter writes in to the show and says, would you rather live till 75 and be able to eat anything you want? That means fast food, diet all the time if you want to. Jason's eyes just open wide. And or, or, or. Stop the question. Stop. Just stop. And, or, or, or. Stop the question. Stop.

Just stop. I never thought I'd hit 75. Or have a kajillion dollars. I'll take the other one. All right, what's the other option here, Andy? Live to be 85, but you need to eat healthy, like salads every day. So you get 10 extra years of life. You get the worst 10 extra years of life.

I mean, look, I hope know all the 75 year olds listening you look i'm not talking about you you've got a great life but i feel like most people would say that the 75 to 85 isn't their prime of their life this is the most enjoyable time does that mean that you are saying that you would be do the 75 heck yeah i would i mean it's really a philosophical question of like and and this is too broad for this question isn't really this uh broad but it's like would you rather live an awesome 75 years or a bad 85 years i would that's all related to fast food. There's good salads. There are good salads.

There are very good salads. And those salads would not count, I think, to the spirit of what is being talked about here. Because there's a 1,200-calorie salad with some grilled chicken and some ranch. Heck, yeah. But, you know, the reality is I need to change my relationship with food. Oh, no. Mike, what do you say here? Well, first off, now I'm just delighted thinking of 75-year-olds listening to this podcast.

Like, imagine our actual prime demo is people 75 and up. That's right. I mean, that would be, I don't know. So that idea is tickling me here. But 75, I think that that gap is not wide enough to make this a real debate for me. I'll go out at 75. That's fine. What if it's 100?

No, I think you have to move the number earlier. So it's like it's 65 or 85. Well, there's 75 and 100. That's 25 years just to eat fast food. Yeah, but that's... Here's a spoiler alert, guys. When you're 98, the wind tips you over. You bump into the wall and your entire body is bruised.

Here's the... That begs a whole other world of questions. It's just like... That's almost like forget the fast food. Do you want to live to 90 or 100? Because you're almost saying you'd rather be dead. Right, yeah. But that is what I'm saying.

Would you rather die at 75 or 150? Oh, man. So here's the spoiler alert. Andrea from Twitter is me. Because I actually asked this question, and I was playing with the gap. I was driving, uh, we were going up North to the cabin and I was in the car with my dad and my son. And we brought this question up and I was trying to figure out what the year gap was to make you choose health. We were in the middle of eating Wendy's by the way, when this question came up.

Very nice. Uh, yeah. And it was, it was it was delicious i felt awful later and so i thought maybe 10 years was enough you know because you think about it jason let me just try to tug on the heartstrings you've got children listen honestly you've got children they're gonna have children then you get to spend 10 more years. Imagine at 75, one of your grandkids is five years old. So the difference of living to 85 is that grandkid is 15 years old. You spend a life with the grandkid. You don't just get five years. Yeah, but you know this is not a hypothetical. This is just the world we're living in.

I have children and I will live longer if I eat healthier. Like, yeah, it's sad, but it's true. This is reality. It's not a hypothetical. It's like, I'm going to die younger and I eat poor. Yes, should I change? Sure. But this isn't like, well, which one would you take?

It's which one are you taking? And I have already been taking the eating great. I've made my choice. I mean, I hope I change. Is this just real life? This is just real life. Would you rather real life? What are you doing?

I certainly hope that by like 50, I start making the changes. There's a lot of people. You go through one heart attack, and then you get your act together. That's your plan? That's kind of the route. I just want to get past that first. Survival is really important. I'm really worried about the first.

After that, I think I'll go full health. Maybe, probably not. Maybe a little while. You're banking on the wake-up call heart attack? I'm banking on the wake-up call heart attack. I just got to really survive that one. Oh, my God. And then those grandchildren.

Oh, my God. And the worst thing is my grandfather had a wake-up call heart attack and he quit smoking and quit all the bad food right when it happened it happens after the triple bypass i have seen these great pillars of examples um in in my life uh you know cut it up till you're 55 and then and then get healthy and live to. What about the people that don't make it past the first, though? Oh, man. OK, so that's the gamble.

Yeah, that's that one's that's bad. That one's, you know, Jason. Jason's final words. I really thought I'd make it past the one. Yeah, that's the scary part. That's what really should be the wake-up call now someone help me mike and i should convince you do something to fabricate a heart attack for you make you think that you're having one smart probably need to bribe a doctor to come in and tell you tell you this is serious i don't think that's gonna work because then jason will go oh this is nothing

exactly oh no knows me i need the i need the scare i need i've heard it i've heard it feels like an elephant stepping on your chest i don't that's like what i've heard a heart attack feels like i need that experience i don't want that experience it's not gonna stop you yeah if it was like a real hurt like ah that really hurts and then hurts. And then I was fine. I'd be like, dude, I can do 30 of these. Oh, my God. I'm also guessing an elephant stepping on your chest is that you don't make it through the one. That's true. There's never a wake-up call to tell an elephant step.

To compare a heart attack to an elephant stepping on you, that's disrespectful to the elephant. Just a little baby baby okay crush you a baby elephant will absolutely crush you oh my gosh i did not expect this question to go that direction so what were the answers then because i i would imagine the closer you are to 75 oh the more like the more you choose the salad yeah so like your dad and your answers may have been different and then the youngest is is like, I can't die. I'm the youngest one. Right, right.

I started the question at one year. Oh, great. I just lived to 80 or 81. But it was just, you can eat fast food all the time, or you can not eat it all the time. Now, can I eat it without the diarrhea? Unfortunately, that is not possible okay this is yeah this isn't magic mike this is the diarrhea is supposed to be the wake-up call that's that

was the original plan that's how they built a wake-up call last night at 3 a.m oh man man food can blind us can and not because it tastes so good it tastes so good someone needs to do something about delicious food to get rid of delicious food. It really, really has to do in part with how easy you can get it. There's just not... If you're driving someplace and you want some food, your only choice in America is to eat a bad something.

Right? I mean, that's really... Mostly, yes. I know of one like salad and go right is one place i know that not not like there's it's eating neutral that's like eating neutral you can get like a thing at plenty of places that maybe isn't that bad but that's like that you don't go to jack-in-the-box for the garden salad uh you know and so it's like every place has something you can get but for the most

part there's only one healthy drive-thru i i even know of mike what are you going with the uh 75 yeah all right i mean like presently you're going with it to 55 and i would choose the other way okay so that's a good question to figure out is where the threshold is uh andy scott from patreon says would you rather rid the world of christmas cards or thank you cards so i can say something interesting about this because christmas just went by why not both i right i almost uh like early in our marriage with the kids i did the christmas card thing. You know, you get the picture. I have a list of people go to the website,

get them all printed, sent, did it for a while. Just stop. Yeah. Good for you. Good for you. Tried that out.

Just tried it out. Did you know, life got busy, forgot it one year and that was enough. So we haven't done it. And what happened what happened to your life actually something did happen oh yes and that's why i bring it up is because i set a precedent and this is a piece of advice for everybody out there there were people on

this list that received my card five six seven years in a row everybody since then has now thought that i don't like them and they're off the list including i think al borland we did that one conversation like yeah a week ago you did you you actually took him off the list i remember you telling me about that one but on the others but i have a lot of people that have been like oh you know they're making jokes they're like hey i'm like hey i got your card thank go, oh, yeah, I didn't get yours. So now I don't know what is it because I had sent them. Wait, you're supposed to say thank you when someone sends you the Christmas card. No, you don't have to.

But you can be a nice person, Mike. You know, this is possible for other people. Yeah, other people can do that. Here's gonna be like, thanks for the card. I hope you're doing well. Like friendly stuff. I actually think one of these two things should go away, and one of these two things is valuable.

I hate, I hate, I hate doing family pictures, doing family photos. There's just nothing. There's very little worse than gathering up a whole day you've got outfits that have been planned for weeks you've got family members that you maybe you haven't been around just oh what a nightmare to get these pictures I hate that and that's why I don't like Christmas cards because usually you got to have a big old photo shoot right garbage but Christmas cards are great like like I hate getting them I them. I hate making them and like getting them done but they are actually really cool.

I like seeing like when I receive a Christmas card of a family that I haven't seen in a while. They moved to Wisconsin and I get a picture. I get to see them. I like that. I agree. I think that it is kind of cool. I don't want to do it but I want to receive it.

Yeah. It is kind of cool. I don't want to do it, but I want to receive it. Yeah. Thank you cards serve a horrible purpose. They are... Obligatory. Obligatory nonsense that nobody... When I get a thank you card, like, I just got it.

I just... I'm not going to say who or for what, but I just received one. This person wrote a thank you card for something they received. I'm not going to say who or for what, but I just received one. This person wrote a thank you card for something they received. They wrote it out by hand and said, thank you so much, blah, blah, blah. That's pretty nice. That's a lot of effort. A lot of effort.

Yes. Dumbest thing I've ever seen. I mean, I'm reading this thing like... Okay. It was in response to a very small Starbucks gift card. Okay. This person is not that thankful. This person is not like, oh my gosh, where are my cards? I have to, this is just an obligation.

This is a waste of that person's time. I didn't even need a verbal thank you for this card. And you're doing this for you just wrote 50 of them you you're wasting ink for a wedding was it a wedding it wasn't a wedding no wedding is the number one obligatory i like to think that jason went to a wedding and gave him a very small starbucks that's why i wanted to know no it was it was it was a it was a teacher gift so the teacher's getting a you know, 100 gifts, and she's writing all these cards back.

Teachers like to write things. And it's just like, I feel so... Or was this, no, was this like, was this in spite of, like, to make you feel bad that you gave such a crappy gift? Like, they wanted to emphasize, thank you so much for the $5 Starbucks gift card. I can't imagine what I would have done had you not given me the,

I can't even cover the cost of one coffee. I would not have given a five. It was like a $25 gift card, which it gets you like two trips. You know, so it was fine. My point is more like I don't, I just think it's a waste of time. And whenever I receive one, it doesn't change anything. I don't – I do not for one second think this person is grateful because they wrote me this card. No.

But they are grateful. That's why they wrote you the card. No, no. They have a habit. They have a habit of I write these things. Because here's what I know. If I gave them anything, if I did an of, I write these things. Because here's what I know. If I gave them anything, if I did an apple, I would have got that card.

I would have got that card that said, thank you so much for the apple. I can't wait to take a juicy bite out of it. Thanks, teacher. That's what would have happened. So they're wasting their time. We're wasting the trees. What if we set a new rule? Can I set a new rule? All right.

Can I set a new rule? All right. Any time that you would ever have to write more than one singular thank you card, we wipe them out. Yes. And so we reserve them for times when you'd have to go pursue a thank you card because you're so overwhelmed, you've got to thank a person. Because it's one person. That's the whole point is that thank you cards are worthless.

They're meaningless because they aren't ever used the way you described. It's not like I can't believe the thoughtfulness of this person. I have to go write something. If that's what it was, if it was like I really need to write this person and thank them, then that's heartfelt. That's moving. That's amazing. That's not what thank you cards are.

Thank you cards are obligation nonsense that is just saying, I'm supposed to do this. And you know every other parent got one. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like, I'm surprised it didn't say dear parent. Now, Kramudgie, Mike, what's your thought on all of this? Like, I want to banish both of them, but I can only do one of them. And so it's Christmas cards. Get out of here like i understand back

in 1989 when there was no internet like maybe i want to know how a family's doing and this is the only time i ever hear from them if you want to know what's going on with my family in my life it's online like there's my facebook account my wife's Facebook account, Instagram, Twitter, like everything is available. So I feel like at this point that if I'm sending you a Christmas card, I'm saying I am so important. Look at me. You need to see my family and you need to know how beautiful we are and look at our perfect family in this perfect winter scenario. So get that out of here. A thank you card is actually doing something.

It's saying, thank you for thinking of me instead of I want you to think about me. You need to know what's going on with my family. I have so many aunts or grandparents or whatever. They're not on the grant. Yes, they are. They're not checked. Well, I'm not on Facebook.

Is your wife on Facebook maybe I don't know I don't literally I don't I don't log on I don't check so my point is like for people like myself that really don't keep up with other families on social media then it serves a purpose

yeah but you're because the information is there you are saying I just don't care. So you don't need the card. Make it all just go away. Make it all go away. You got to be the tiebreaker. I'm getting rid of stupid pointless thank you cards.

All I'm thinking about is how to send Mike one Christmas card a day for all of December. That's all I'm thinking of right now. Oh, please do. Please do. I mean, I could save you a do. You're just... I mean, I could save you a step. You could just take money and throw it in the garbage. No, I will make you put my money in the garbage.

Oh, it's real easy. I will say some Christmas cards have come... Mike never opens one single one. If you get the Christmas card from the far away half friend, and then it's the story of our life, and's have you gotten those i can't stand those that's the see you now those are the that's what mike's getting at is like it's like

all right isabel has been doing tumbling and just did a triple lutz and then franklin is playing his flute in the highest order those Those are the look at me. That's what Mike, dude, I'm on board there. Get rid of those. And that's what social media is for. But when I got a card from Al Borland and his family, it was a family picture, something that I hadn't seen, and it just said Merry Christmas, and we just put it on the fridge,

and then it made me think about my friends. Yes, that's how Christmas cards are supposed to be. Put it this way. Who doesn't like getting a postcard? If I went somewhere cool and I send a post, you're just going through your junk. So word limit. You're able to send postcards? No, people don't send postcards.

But if you were going through all your junk mail and you're like, oh, there's a postcard. Jason went to this lighthouse and whatever. That's neat. I. Jason went to this lighthouse and whatever. That's neat. I think there are valid points on both sides. I think Mike is right. There is a bit of an antiquated aspect to it because we don't need to lean.

It's like writing a letter right now. You could say it's very nice and nostalgic to get a handwritten letter, but you don't have to do it. But the postcard, I get like someone goes to the travel. You can also call someone and say, hey, thanks thanks for that gift and that might be more personal than the letter right thank you card but you keep those postcards because those are like a a token of that person of of the trip and for some reason you're invested in that trip what do you do with all the christmas cards you keep every single one those things go right in the garbage i I display them all until Christmas is over and then I recycle them, Mike.

I would never throw them in the garbage. How dare you? Well, the people who are telling you that they're recycling, they put them in the garbage. Right, that is actually true.

All right. Hey, we got to move on. Would you rather go 30 days without caffeine of any kind, according, this is from PanTheMan on Twitter,

30 days without caffeine of any kind, according, this is from PanTheMan on Twitter. 30 days without caffeine of any kind or restaurant food of any kind. I mean, this is one I can do, one I can't do. I can't do no caffeine. Oh. Why did you do no caffeine? No, no, I'll break down. I got my routines, brother.

So no restaurant food means you are preparing every single meal you eat. Yeah, cereal is delicious. Wow. One of these I can do. One of these I can't. Yeah, I agree. It's the exact opposite. Like having no restaurant food for a month is impossible. In this day and age when, you know, the whole global pandemic thing that created delivery services.

I mean, that is the best way to cook. And if you're telling me that not once, not a breakfast, not a lunch, not a dinner, not for the whole month. Can I swing by a place, go to a place, order from a place? I mean, I don't I don't remember that life and i don't want to remember that life interesting i've done the life of no caffeine where it was like i've i've gotten to points where my anxiety is just it's so out of control it's like i gotta get on the caffeine yeah or like, no, because I deal with anxiety and it's like, caffeine can make it worse

and it's like, I've had periods of my life where you just, you go without it. It's tough sledding for the first week, two weeks or so, but eventually you do,

you get used to life without it. So, half of the entire time period here, you would be uncomfortable. Versus all. Yes. Versus all. Yes. Versus all with the restaurant. It's funny.

Don't you both normally drink some caffeine in the afternoons too? You probably have more dependency than I do. We certainly have more dependency than you. You've got a couple cups of coffee in the morning, and then that's pretty much it. You don't do afternoon. You load up in the morning. I will say this.

My anxiety is the absolute worst after the third cup i don't talk to me i'm impatient i'm everything is so serious at that time i joke you see me on twitter on our slack channel yes getting work done but there's byproducts that is just i'm buzzing like i can't drink it anymore now here's what i'm curious about you you drink a lot of coffee in the morning. You said you're a personal routine. Three cups every morning, no more, no less. No more, no less.

And you use half-calf because you drink it three cups. You don't want to go crazy. I wonder what would happen if you replaced your half-calf coffee with decaf coffee. Sure. And you had your three cups and you had the routine and you felt like you were doing the same thing. How much is real and how much is, you know, the... The placebo effect?

Yeah, the placebo. Of drinking the coffee? Mm-hmm. You drink that coffee, you're going to feel that buzz still? Yeah. I don't know i i used to drink all i used to not do half calf and but then my eye would twitch constantly it would just be like you your body is like no that seems bad that seems bad let's go half calf um yeah it would be

tough it'd be tough to lose that routine but i I bet, you know, could you do tea in the morning? I guess that's caffeine, too. Yeah, you can't have tea. You can't have chocolate. You can't have... Yeah. That's all I know that has caffeine in it. Yeah, right.

Let's move on. Can't do caffeine pills. Right. Thank you. Spit Woods, there's nothing you can't accomplish with a great team. This podcast would not work without Al Borland and Brooks behind the scenes. Well, maybe. Well, sure.

I mean, it would still be great, but they are a big part of what we do. Sure, okay. And when you're assembling your team, the right set of skills is very important. You need all the help you can get, and that is Indeed. If you're hiring, you need Indeed, because Indeed is the hiring partner where you can attract, interview, and hire all in one place, and Indeed is the only job site where you're guaranteed to find quality applications that meet your must-have requirements, or else you don't pay. Instead of spending hours on multiple

job sites, hoping to find candidates with the right skills, you need one powerful hiring partner that can help you do it all, and they have instant match. As soon as you sponsor a post, you get a short list of quality candidates with resumes on Indeed that match your job description. Your company is only as good as the people you hire, and Indeed is the place to do it. Start hiring right now with a $75 sponsored job credit to upgrade your job post at Indeed.com slash Ballers. Offer is valid through March 31st. Go to Indeed.com slash Ballers to claim your $75 credit before March 31st. Indeed.com slash Ballers. Terms and conditions apply need to hire you need indeed that's a great question david from the website wants to know the difference

in fact all of our great questions today are what are the difference questions what's the difference between being robbed, mugged, and burgled? And I feel like I need to lean on you guys for this one. I know it. I have my answer. Robbed, mugged, and burgled. So all three of these involve a perpetrator taking something, some sort of physical object from you.

But the way I look at this is if you are robbed that means you were not harmed that means someone someone said stick them up give me your wallet and you're just like okay here take my wallet take my watch if you are mugged oh they punch you they they have attacked you they don't even they don't even give you the option to just give you the stuff it's they're they're jumping you and stealing yes yes and when the burglary is that your house only a burgled means you have no idea that it happened oh really see i thought it meant you had and the person had a had a definitely had a mask and a sack yeah i think i think burgled is far more about the specifics you have if the if oh really yeah i mean if there's not a pearl necklace um you know or a black and white outfit on the they have the outfit on that's not a that's not

a if you were burglarized you were burglarized someone steal stuff out of your out of your garage are you burglarized well you've been robbed well wait were they wearing black and white stripes you're not there you left the garage open yeah and so someone robbed me blind oh my gosh all my tv's gone and then you go check the camera and you see that they found your family jewels and they were wearing black and white striped clothing and you say that's a robber i was so if they were just rocking some jorts that's that's uh that's a robbery jorts cannot burgle. See, robberies, I thought robberies had to have a person. I thought that's what Mike said.

I think they do. So obviously you can't be mugged when you're not there, right? Correct. You have to be a part of your own mugging. Yes. Yes, you have to be there to be mugged and be robbed.

Now you can be there when you are burgled because you just don't know about it. You could be sleeping. You could be asleep. You could be pickpocketed. Oh, that's a burglary that's to me as a burglar yes by my definition of i didn't know it was gone until i start patting down and i go it's not can we well that's because of the tiptoe the the you you have to tiptoe if you're burglaring but that sounds like exactly you know little little why is tiptoeing so loud

when it's made to be quiet? Steel-toed boots. So let me ask you. Why do I have this xylophone in my shoes? Is burgled a real verb for what's happening to you? Has to be. Can you be burgled?

Yeah. I've been burgled. That's real? I don't know. Yeah, I mean, when you've experienced being burgled. Because I've got to call the cops and say something to themled I don't know when you've experienced because I gotta call the cops and say something to them I can't call them and be like I've been burgled officer

it's such a funny word and then he goes wait were you hit no you were mugged past tense burgled past participle burgled so it is that is literally we're good to go yes it's just a weird word you've been i've been burgled by a guy in black and white stripes who tiptoed off with my family

jewels yeah and he's got a sack over his shoulder or yeah where else is he gonna put it okay all right i accept that darth chopsticks from patreon what's the difference between vintage retro and antique okay a lot of this is about age first of all is it um well like antiques are like you know when something is retro what that means is it's coming back in style from something that was gone when something is antique it means you are an old person. Yes, antique is like, it's the shopper. It could be valuable, but it's also just no one wants, it's not cool. But vintage is cool or retro is cool?

Because I think vintage is cooler than retro. They're both definitely cool. I think Jason is right, though. They're like, wait, retro is your styling though they're like wait like let's say retro is your styling descriptor yeah but let's say you're 65 if you're 65 and you're doing something retro it is now antique you're saying it's based on the person yeah i'm just saying that there's a or you're an antique if you're 65 yeah you, you're antiquing. Like if you were like, oh, I'm going to wear this thing from the 30s, that's still an antique.

It's not just shops. No, no, no, no, no. Antique is something put on display. Yes. It's because it's old. Right, and it's usually ugly. Does it have to carry value? Does an antique have?

It can just be personal value, though. It doesn't have to be monetary value. But you don't use it. As something that's vintage, you can use a vintage car. You can use it. You don't use an antique car. You put it on display. Oh, okay.

You see what I'm saying? So this is display versus use. And retro is something new in a old style. That's what I was going to say. That's what it is. The authenticity of the age. If I have a vintage T-shirt, that means that this was made by the band 30 years ago. It really was made back then.

If it's retro, it's the old band, but it's been reprinted. Yes. Yes. Okay. We got it. You know what's crazy is I have middle schoolers right now, and they are in... I don't know if you both have caught on to this. I'm still here.

Andy's camera is gone. I'm still here. Andy's camera is gone. I am not a cat. I'm still here. Wait, is Andy burgled? Oh, no, he might be burgled right now. So we're keeping this part of the video. For those, most of you are listening,

but obviously we are being recorded on YouTube, and my camera's gone, but my audio is fine. You've never looked better. We're just going to go? Oh, we've got to go. We've got to go. Now, I will eventually. My battery, the quote that came up on the screen is battery exhausted. Oh, it's like your battery's really tired?

It's worn out. It's been a healthy run, and it did a good job but man this needs a gatorade real quick nap and this battery is gonna be back at it now i did provide you a power adapter for that camera which is completely plugged in it's completely plugged in and uh for whatever reason i find that doubtful uh switch your input and uh just have a oh or is this are you in a are you in a a uh an outlet that's on a switch uh nope are you sure is it one of the upside down outlets we may have tried to record two shows today and look this is not important for everybody all right let's proceed i'm going to i'll figure this out don't worry about it i'll come back at

some point visually you guys can just interact with my voice i gotta tell you there is it shouldn't be weird is it super weird but having jason there and i can see him talking and then you're just a completely black screen but your voice is there is very strange it's off-putting it's a little off-putting i feel like it's just me and mike you should be off-putting where did that come from is that the galifianakis yeah it was all right hey i think we knocked that one out of the park do we got time for one more hour do you want to draft we got nothing but time i need to get my battery charged uh what is the difference between a stadium an arena and a coliseum ricky from patreon wants to know because there are sports stadiums out there now arenas and coliseums i feel like coliseums they don't

name new ones coliseums nope nope coliseums are ancient coliseums are there's the call isn't like the usc stadium the coliseum how when was that built that is that's got to be 100 years old i mean i don't know i don't i'll look it up i don't think you can have a coliseum that is under the age of 50 um which means i do think stadiums can turn into coliseums you know maybe once this was a stadium 150 years later you look back and you say that was a coliseum january 5th 1923 is what i'm seeing i'm seeing uh i'm i guess i'm looking at the rose bowl stadium are you which one are you looking at la memorial coliseum that's okay 1923 so 100 years old nope nope it's not there yet well i said it's got to be longer than 50 and i was just guessing that that thing is about 100 years old.

So 99 years old. But, I mean, coliseums are artifacts, right? You're not factoring in, like, there has to be combat sports inside of the coliseum? Well, there always are. No, I mean, that was implied because it was called a coliseum. If there's not been a combat sport inside. Stadium and arena are easy, right?

Roof. Roof. Yeah, it's pretty easy. Wait, which one is the roof? The arena. You can't have an open. There's never been an open-roofed arena. Really?

Yes. Yeah, and I wish this was just part of a funny joke, but I just think that's legit. That's the actual definition. You can't have an open-air arena? You can have an arena that has a roof that opens, but no, if it is an open-air building without a roof, that's not an arena. Impossible.

Except for by definition. Not my definition. Right right not our definition and that's what people have come here for no i mean but the old school right the great arenas of old had roofs they couldn't did they yeah you just said it you just said the great arenas so i know that you're talking about a building that has a roof on it. I think I'm wrong on this one. I'm backing off of my confidence big time. I am 100% confident. All basketball are played in arenas. You ever seen an open-air basketball arena?

No. What if they're all the same? What if all three of these are the exact same? Then they wouldn't have three names. That would be nothing. They wouldn't call them different things. That would be ridiculous. That's a good point.

So basically. This bit would be stupid if they were all the same thing. Right, right. And this is informative. No, I really do think that that's the difference between all of them. Stadiums graduate into coliseums when they are over the age of 50. And combat sports has been played inside. You put a roof on top and it's a marina. And we're not talking about amphitheaters here. over the age of 50, and combat sports has been played inside.

You put a roof on top, and it's an arena. And we're not talking about amphitheaters here. We're not getting into the world of amphitheaters. There's so much to that world. But that's like a half. Like they didn't finish it? They were working on a full arena? They ran over the budget, and this is no longer an arena. Oh, a half a theater.

They were probably working on a stadium, not an arena. Okay. Because I don't think they ever had plans for a roof in an amphitheater, but it really is usually a budget issue. You can't have lions fight people in an amphitheater. No, because the people just run away. They're distasteful. You run out the open side.

Cowards. Yeah, you can't have combat sports in an amphitheater. Also, then the lions are roaming the streets. Andy's camera was back for a second. Andy came back and he is gone again. Oh, man. When he came back, too, if you're watching the YouTube, when he came back, it was delightful because you could see him zooming it in,

zooming it out. Yeah. You didn't let the battery rest. No, I mean, I didn't. Not long enough. Let's draft. Are you losing your hair? Are you losing your hair?

Why, yes, I am losing it. I can see that. You shut up, Mike. Listen, I don't need to be ashamed. Two out of three men are going to experience some form of hair loss by the time they're 35. And there are two FDA-approved medications that can prevent hair loss. Keeps offers both of them. Keeps offers a simple, affordable, and stress-free way to keep your hair.

We're talking convenient virtual doctor consultations. You don't have to go anywhere. Medications delivered straight to your door every three months. You just stay right at home 24-7, care and support. They have a network of medical experts, advisors, prescribers, and care specialists to support you in making your hair goals a reality. It's low-cost treatment started at just $10 per month and keeps offers generic versions of the two FDA approved medications

to prevent hair loss. Prevention is key. Treatments could take four to six months to see results. So you want to act now when it comes to your hair, save more and spend less. If you're ready to take action, prevent your hair loss, go to keeps.com slash ballers to receive your first month of treatment for free. That's keeps K E E P S.com slash ballers to get your first month of treatment for free. That's keeps.com to get your first month free. Keeps.com. We may have to get to the bottom of this whole power adapter thing here, Al Borman, because there stands to reason that it's not set up correctly. I'm excited about this draft because we are doing the worst things to find in a pinata.

Told you that at the beginning of the show. You're at a birthday party in an event. You know, the pinata thing i don't just real quick survey before we begin the draft are you pro pinata at a party or anti-pinata at a party i'm super pro pinata yeah i don't mind i mean what would be much better like hey do you like candy yeah do you like just beating the tar out of something? Who doesn't? You want to beat the tar out of something and have it poop out candy? Heck yeah, I am in.

That's a birthday. Okay. All right. Jason, you get the first pick. You're a very fortunate fellow because we are drafting the worst things you'd want to find in there. There's a lot of anticipation with the pinata. Oh, yeah. You got to work.

You don't know what's in it. You might know what's in it i mean you might know it's candy but who's gonna be the lucky star that opens up pinata up you get one or two swings now are you like the way i think about a pinata if you open it up now i maybe you're the hero of the party but is that really now Now there is an upside down Andy picture. Andy drawing. Okay. That's generous to call that Andy.

So you're the one, you're the kid who opens it up, but you're wearing the blindfold, right? Yeah. And generally speaking, as soon as the pinata starts dumping the candy out, the rest of the kids all dive in so while you're the hero for opening the pinata are you in fact in the worst position because everyone else is getting first dibs on the candy no you're not because uh weaklings can't open a pinata and what ends up happening is they try first they can't get it you are the you are the alpha you open it up and so you take that blindfold off and you just stare at them and they say can i get you some candy so worst things to find in jason you're first all right well the worst thing that i could imagine i

smack this thing open i'm so excited to see what's in there and unfortunately all the candy has been eaten by cockroaches i'm going to smash this thing open and a bunch of bugs and cockroaches. Not only do they fall to the ground freaking everyone out, but now they're not just sitting there. They're running at everybody. This party has become a massacre, one to avoid. And also now your house has a ton of cockroaches because they breed. I think that that's a great pick.

And I think the big thing here is you've got the explosion factor. You know, when you find something, there's an impact and there's an explosion. And then there are items inside. And you want to be, at least the way I'm drafting, is I want you to be horrified by what you find inside of that. And cockroaches were on my short list. I got to be honest. You made a great pick. We're looking at this a different way okay well i look my number one pick here because it's my turn right yeah okay uh i'm sorry to go this direction but it's razor blades

oh it's filled with razor blades that's got to be one of the worst things that you can find inside of a pinata well what if you need a what if you're in need of a shave what did look how convenient these aren't razors these aren't like a bunch of uh gillette razors coming out these are the blades just the blades yeah but men there was a time when a man could shave his face with a razor blade are you looking at this through a nice lens you want this to happen no i'm just trying to spin your pick to be bad all right thank you all right all right so jason went cockroaches and he went razor blades i'm trying to think of this like i guess from the eyes of a child and the first thing that came to

my mind what would be the worst thing to find from a pinata if you're at a party is nothing you bust that pinata open it's just an empty pinata nothing comes out that was that was it was between cockroaches and nothing really for the first because that's because you're right like as a kid and as a parent you realize like you just let down all of the kids you forgot to fill the pinata everyone is just heartbroken all that crying children crying children everywhere and i guess this is it's almost the exact same pick but it's it's different enough and i think the idea of this happening is very funny. You bust open the pinata,

and just a bunch of IOUs fall out. For candy? Yes. It's just like IOU. The Skittles. Two pieces of IOU. Hershey Kiss. IOU a Snickers bar.

Because you know you're never cashing that thing in. It's an IOU. You had to stuff this thing and hand write a bunch of IOUs for candy? You ran out of candy. You ran out of money. You had some paper. These are as good as candy. That's exactly

You might want to hold on to that one. That's a king size bar. I'm going to go with Hornets. We were thinking about this very differently. We were. And you made me think about something else with your direction. Hornets is way worse than cockroaches or razor blades.

The Hornets is so good because there's probably what? When you go to a party and you watch these kids, how many hits before this thing breaks? Oh, yes. Those are the warm-ups. They are angry. And you know what's terrifying? Singular hornets.

Yeah. Just one. Go to a birthday party and put one hornet on the loose. It's basically shaking a hive 10, 15 times and breaking it open. That would be terrible. That's not a kamikaze bee's going to die when it stings you it open. That would be terrible. That's not a kamikaze bee's gonna die when it stings you. These are hornets. That's not fair. That's not fair that they get to sting you as much as they want.

No, it's really not. And they take pleasure, great pleasure in stinging human beings. It's their favorite. You've talked to some of these? Yeah, I speak hornet. Alright guys, I'm turning the camera back on. Oh, let's see how that goes. favorite do you think you've talked to some of these yeah i speak hornet all right guys i'm turning the camera back on oh let's see if i can make it to the end of this draft

it's happening how did that happen you are sideways over fabio wow it's like you just oh my goodness all right well congratulations on getting back on video okay don't worry okay so um am i am i up yeah you're up back to back back to back picks okay um i think again i'm i am also coming at this from the standpoint of a kid you you're working hard to get your candy at the birthday party and lo and behold you bust that thing open and a bunch of fruit comes out we're talking can't cut cut up cantaloupe and watermelon all into the melons all pre-cut all just right onto the ground right you're grabbing it with your hands you're grabbing this watermelon off the ground uh cantaloupe just like a fruit salad a fruit salad

just barfed onto the ground nobody wants the fruit nobody wants fruit off the ground oh my god but the parent had a brilliant idea oh yeah you know a healthy this is a healthy healthy pinata and also i don't know if you've ever you know smashed fruit with a baseball bat but um it's gonna be extra ripe oh my gosh all right that would be uh a surprise uh you've got cockroaches and fruit and now look i'm just gonna go with uh i'm gonna go a candy. It's entirely full of good and plenty. The entire... Ooh. There's one candy in there, and it's nonstop good and plenty.

So you see the little boxes fall out, and you're so excited to grab it, and it's just the most inedible, awful candy. All good and plenty are black licorice, right? Yes, they're black licorice right that's all they are there's no there's no like like the good isn't a good one and the plenty is the bad one or something no no it's plenty purple and white black licorice yep that's right so nobody can eat any of the candy well i guys i'm staying in my lane here we've we saw different stories no worst things a different story. An alligator! No. Worst things to find in a piñata? It's blood. It's just

filled with blood. There'd be a lot of horror. I think I'm traumatizing these children. But there's some adults, though, that'll be traumatized, too. Certainly. Everyone at the party. So, yeah. Blood is my final answer. I think if you found the

one person that was not traumatized by that, you have now exposed that person. You found who put the blood in there? For being a serial killer. Yes. You figured out who did it. All right, Mike. You open up the pinata.

You've got nothing at all inside, and then you've got some candy IOUs. So you're breaking kids' hearts in a way that isn't Blood and Hornets. It's a little tough here because I have a couple of picks that are similar. They're not the same thing, but they're the same idea and heart behind it as Jason's last two picks. So that's a little disappointing. But I'll go with whatever. I'm going to go with one of them because if you cracked open the pinata

and it just poured out candy corn, you're going to have. I knew you were going to go that way. Yeah, because candy corn is by far the worst candy. I'll eat good and planties before I start eating candy corn. Really? Yes. You would not really eat good and planty before candy corn. Because of the taste.

Because it's terrible. It's not the texture? I mean, you like the taste. Well, it's all of it. You like black licorice. No, I don't. That's what I heard. I don't like Good & Plenty, but I'll eat it over eating Candy Corn.

I totally understand you saying that because of the draft. I don't believe for one second that if you were forced to eat a little tiny bowl of good and plenty or a little tiny bowl of of uh candy corn uh there's no way you're going black licorice i think that's i think that's the way i would go uh i haven't had either in probably a couple decades since the first time i had them i was like this is this is not something i need to change my mind on um okay and then trying to figure out something the last worst thing to find in a pinata i don't know why this came to mind but i was like well what is something that like it would be silly if it fell out and it's also just completely useless to you and to everybody, and it's undersized underpants.

It's just underwear, and you're like, what? Why is this pinata full of underwear? And then you're trying to think, well, there's a silver lining here. I get some brand new underwear. But no, it's all way too small. You can't even put it on. Why did that come to mind? I don't know, but here we are.

Children's underwear on mine. You had children's underwear on yours? On Mike's? Not on mine. I didn't think about children's underwear. Why would I put children's underwear in a pinata? I said undersized underwear. Well, undersized is going to be children, right?

That's in contention for the strangest pick. Well, for you, undersized is like XXXL. Oh, no. No. Look, my final pick here. Razor blades, hornets, blood. There's something to find that's really bad in a pinata. Vomit.

This was one of the ones that I thought was pretty terrible. And it's jambalaya. It's filled with jambalaya. It's filled with jambalaya. Nice. I don't even know what jambalaya is. You don't know what jambalaya is? Like, the end is coming.

That's one of those things, like, I thought I knew what it was, but now that I'm... Okay, it's... Wait, what's the difference between jambalaya and gumbo? Because I see those as, like, the same thing. Yeah, and I know what gumbo is. What is the difference? It's ironic you said the vomit thing, because it would present very much like vomit. Jambalaya would? Yeah, jambalaya would present... It's ironic you said the vomit thing because it would present very much like vomit. Jambalaya would?

Yeah, jambalaya would present. It's like shrimp and chicken and vegetables, and it's not a good time. The main difference is use of rice. Which one has rice? Jambalaya. Gumbo is really a super stew that's often served over a little rice where jambalaya is made with the rice cooked into the dish. So they both have rice?

Can I change to gumbo? Sure. All right. All right. I don't want to steal gumbo from you. Well, I don't know if Jason was gumbo on your list. I was just about to take it, but I guess I'll give it to Andy. All right.

All right. Final pick. I was trying to think what is, what's something that would be a real problem? A real problem. That's where my brain was on this thing, by the way, a real problem, real,

real problem. And, uh, I went with a minor inconvenience. Yeah. Slightly smaller underwear. My, mine is a big problem.

Mine's a forgot that that was in their situation. This was never to be used as a big problem. Mine's forgot that that was in their situation. This was never to be used as a pinata. That thing's full of grandma's ashes. Oh, no. Yeah, she's gone. She's everywhere at the party. I don't know why she wanted to die and go in a pinata. That's her final wishes.

And we used it, and the birthday party's ruined. We're all breathing it in. It's a big, big problem. That pinata looks a lot like an urn. Yeah, exactly right. Why did you get an urn-shaped pinata? Oh, my gosh. That's a fabulous steal of a pick here in this very sophisticated draft.

That's a lot of ashes, too. Grandma was a big lady. You can fill a piñata. Okay, that's a good question. Yeah, how much? Is there really? You take an average-sized adult. I'm Googling it.

And then just a plus-sized adult. Is there really that much of a difference in the ashes? I feel like either there has to be a large difference in the ashes. It's just proportionate to the amount of matter that you are cooking up. Or you're just getting some scooping of ashes from this place. They're legit? They didn't give you the whole thing? Like leftover ashes in there? If you're cremated in like a parka or something

what did you learn andy uh well the average adult will weigh about four to eight pounds worth of ashes that's all i learned okay how many hours here here how many cups of ashes does a person make um that's a real Al will put the answer in. It says that the large portion of the ashes is from the bones, and the body fat is essentially consumed in the cremation process. So most people will be about the same except for those big boned people. It says if a person is 150 pounds, expect to receive about 150 cubic inches of ashes,

which is like 10.5 cups of ashes. That's not a lot. That's not a pinata's load. You're going to need some filler. Yeah, you're going to have to mix it in with something else. You've got to go grandma and grandpa. You've got to get them both. Oh, no.

You've got to go both? Mm-hmm. See, when you said- Well, they wanted to be together. Yeah, forever. Oh, no. On the ground at a kid's party. When you said it was something you forgot was there that you didn't want exposed,

I'll be honest, I thought you were going with drugs. I thought that thing was going to break open and your stash is in there. Oh, no. And the kids find it. The kids are all running to grab these. What are these little bags? It's flour. Is that sugar?

Oh, no. All right, Jason's final picks, cockroaches, fruit, good and plenty, and grandma's ashes. Mine was razor blades, hornets, blood, and gumbo. Mike has nothing, candy IOUs, candy corn, and undersized underwear in the strangest pick that this show has ever had. Do we have any big omissions, Al? Things that you really wanted inside of the pinata? No, I think you got it.

We covered the full gamut. I was going to go with salsa, but it was the exact same reason of going with the fruit. It seems like, oh, well, that could be worse. You're like, well, we can put our chips in the salsa, but then it just goes all over the ground. Yeah, I mean, that's what motor oil was in contention. Motor oil?

Yeah. Just filled with motor oil. It just skips over everybody as that final swing just splatters it. Maybe like rotten eggs. Oh, that'd be pretty bad. Something with an odor. Oh, it doesn't even have to be rotten eggs. Just eggs.

You're just mashing them up. Pesticides? Well, I mean, I can use those for something. But I guess that part of the ground will be in good shape. Yeah, I need it for your hornets. All right. I think we completed this one. What did we learn today?

Well, I learned that I need a longer lasting battery on my camera here. I learned that the hypothetical questions of would you rather live longer and eat healthier is just real life. Yeah. Mike, did you learn anything? I was going to say, I learned that the real wake-up call for Jason, it could be too late. Yeah. It's all a matter of if I survived that first one.

As soon as I started talking about that, now all of a sudden I'm paranoid it's coming any minute. I know it. Oh, the first one? Yeah. I got to get prepared. How do you prepare for that? How do you prepare for that? You put a backpack on. No, the backpack has a defibrillator in it. Oh, the first one? Yeah. I got to get prepared. How do you prepare for that? How do you prepare for that?

You put a backpack on. No, the backpack has a defibrillator in it. I mean, it's common knowledge. All right. Thank you for listening, tuning in, supporting the show. We appreciate you. Back for another Spitballers next week. Goodbye.

Bye-bye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.