Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 183: DoorDash Diaries & Wild Animals To Let Loose In Each Other’s Backyards - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 21, 2022

After a long break, ‘Jason Explains’ is back on today’s show. We also talk about part-time wizardry, celebrity meteorologists, and not being able to satisfy a craving. We finish things off with a draft of animals to release in each other’s backyards. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Spit wads, whether it's saving more and spending less, getting organized or losing weight, there's a lot of worthwhile goals for this year. I like goals. Set a goal. At the top of my list is learning a new language with Babbel, the language learning app that has sold more than 10 million subscriptions. What's my language of choice? Al, it's Spanish.

I live in the Southwest. Hola, mi amigo. Yes. Look at you. Look at you babbling away. Babbling. Not only is learning a new language fun, engaging. It's funny because actually, it's not just me. It's my in-laws and my daughter that are learning a new language. And the way that Babbel works and the way that they teach bite-sized language lessons for real-world use. 15-minute lessons.

You can learn it on the go. It's quick and easy. They use just incredible technology, and it's been scientifically proven to be effective. Right now, when you purchase a three-month Babbel subscription, you can get an additional three months for free. That's six months for the price of three. Just go to Babbel.com and use the promo code BALLERS.

That's B-A-B-B-E-L.com. Code BALLERS. Babbel. Language for life. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason.

A-blibbity-blap-blap-beep-bop-blap-blop-blop. Oh, oh no! Oh no! That was off to such a... Oh no! The start of that, Mike, was maybe... I thought we were going to have the best scat of all time, and then, holy cow, did you suck at the end.

One week after you got me for time signatures. I was trying to throw in some funky stuff, and... Oh, yeah, you were trying. The beginning was so good. Look, guys, that was just... There was a blap in there? It was jazz. Oh, yeah. That's a blap that was there there was uh it was jazz oh yeah that's a great answer you wouldn't understand yeah welcome into the spitballers thank you for

everybody that supports the show over at join the spit.com we appreciate each and every one of you whoops a doozle whoops a doozle yep that's your reaction to your own scat yeah that's okay no scat goes right that yeah i'll go wrong in unique creative ways what like what is the best case scenario just getting through it like the best case scenario is when you are 45 seconds into this show and we've moved and we're on to the next conversation when we're hitting a minute 30 we're still you know kind of talking about the sketch that means that means it was good for the wrong reasons that's right and this was great mike for the wrong you're welcome would you rather on the show today we're gonna we're gonna do some jason explains is this real life and we're drafting

animals that we'd like to release into each other's backyards. That's a fun one. The most traditional. Yeah. There won't be a general consensus for this draft before the draft. Oh, there's a 101. There is definitely a 101. I am so happy. Wait, you have a 101?

Oh, I have a clear 101. Oh, crap. Interesting. It puts more pressure on you now to not miss it. I was just puffing my chest. I did not have a 101. But it'll be fun. What's your 101?

I'll tell you after you pick. Thank you for supporting the show, leaving reviews. We read all of those. We read one on the last episode. And make sure you tell your friends about the Spitballers podcast if you want them to laugh and have fun. about the Spitballers podcast if you want them to laugh and have fun. Would you rather?

What was that? That's not my most elegant kind of segue. Is that what you're laughing at? Yeah. Having a good time. Having a good time. Yeah. Here's a would you rather question

from Josh on the website. For one week week would you rather have to follow the rules of jim carrey's character and liar liar or yes man oh i don't remember yes man so tell me tell me what rules i have to follow it's it's in the title it's in the title so you just have to say yes to everything yeah he had to say yes to everything so no matter what was to say yes to everything. So no matter what was said, if someone asked for help, if someone said something that could have a yes answer, you have to go along, you have to say yes to all things. And, of course, if you haven't seen Liar Liar, basically he had to tell the truth.

He could not lie no matter what, even simple, normal, you know, if there's a surprise birthday party, whoops. Right. Yeah, I mean, this one is a little bit of a self-indictment of sorts if you choose one of them. I mean, I don't think that I have crafted my life around the lying that Jim Carrey crafted his life around before the very heartfelt life lesson that was taught to us in Liar Liar about telling the truth and not overworking, apparently. But then, yes, man. I mean, that'd be tough.

That's dangerous. I mean, my wife wants to do a lot of different things. I would like you to kill someone. Yes. I'm pretty sure that's against the rules i mean look the rules are whatever you're asked i've never seen yes man no that was a real movie with him yeah boy that did not did you see that one jay i did i don't remember it so i don't remember if it was like a magical like he was i don't couldn't not do it or if it was a choice i believe it was a choice didn't he go to like a conference or something yes and the guy was teaching this philosophy yeah which so that's actually the the what what i want to talk about here is there is positivity to there's positivity to the yes man approach. Like having to say yes to everything seems awful, seems daunting, seems troublesome depending

on the request. Yeah. But it's also genuinely probably a much better way to live than the way I live currently. Which is no man. Right. I live the no man life. You want to do this? No.

You want to help me move? Heck no. You know, it's so much easier to do nothing than to do everything and so i wonder if we did spend a week just saying yes to anything someone asks of you anything that is needed so for example like are you really into like miley cyrus music oh yes let me download did that upgrade your life saying yes to that? Well, now I've got something to do.

I didn't have anything to do. Now I've got an album to download. So you have to follow through on the yes? But the question would not be, are you into that? Because that would move over to liar, liar. If you were saying, your question would be, hey, do you want to go to the Miley Cyrus concert with me? And that would have to be a yes.

Well, I mean, that would be a heck yes. Because, I mean, it be a heck yes so all the questions i mean i'm a party in the usa so it's not just the there's something attached to the yes yeah it's like hey can you help me do this you want some vegetables for for dinner exactly of course i do that would be better now you just named probably the worst case scenario which is vegetables for dinner so you're framing it as maybe a week of yes would be like a new turning over a new leaf for your life yeah for for sure i mean i i really do think it would be more positive than we expect if we were to say i dedicate myself spit watch try it let us know we're not gonna do this we're not gonna do this

we don't want to get into trouble i would love to hear how it goes for you guys. Say yes to everything. I wonder if it would affect parenting on the other side with the liar, liar. That's exactly what I was thinking of. We craft responses or say things to our kids. Do you like this drawing, Dad? Is this drawing good? Is this a good drawing?

Define good. Yeah. I mean, if you had to shoot straight with kids as you raise them good for a two-year-old well and there's just there's there's there's times where you have to protect them from certain things that are external things that are grown-up problems and they just don't need to be involved about it so that's that lying? I think for this question to be compelling, it should be. I mean, that's bending the truth. To me, if that's lying, yes. Yeah. I mean, I guess none of us would. It's not like we premeditate a lie there. So that's the difference,

right? When your kid asks you a question like that that or i don't know if your wife's asked if certain honey do these pants yeah my big there you're not premeditating like i i set out to lie but you're also trying to protect somebody's feelings yeah that's that's the white lie problem yeah it's right which i imagine you can't do if you have oh no yes if you If you're following Liar Liar, you're just a straight shooter. Yeah, I don't really have an answer. I'm indifferent on which one. I would go with the Yes Man. I think that that would be a good experience.

I really do. I would hate to start it, but I think at the end of the week, I'd look back and go, I had a better life this week. Now, Al has found a little bit of a problem. Oh, no. Because he would just ask you for money. Sure thing. How much?

We'll start with a couple, Grandy. Okay. Yeah. Let's go. There's got to be some restrictions. No restrictions. Pure magic. All right.

Then we'll start with your house. I feel like it's... Move in, brother. That's what I mean house i feel like it's moving brother that's what i mean i feel like it's experience based not just give me all your stuff uh zelly from patreon says would you rather be craving a food and go to the fridge or pantry to find that you don't have it or that you only have a single bite of it so would you rather you're craving it okay i need a chip i want some potato chips yeah i want some ice cream but then you open the container there's one bite of ice cream versus

just not having it i mean or a single hawaiian roll for jason just a single where's the rest of the bags um yeah i i think that i think the answer has to be i still want one. If I've got a taste for chips. Oh, really? Yeah, because if I've got a taste for chips, I mean, look, we've all lived this life. I'm wanting something salty. I go in the pantry, and I can't find anything that's kind of fitting that bill. But if there's like a nice salty little pretzel bite, and man, there's only one. But that's called a double win for me because

because you're still gonna eat something i get a taste but i also can't eat myself into oblivion the worst is when you do have your your sights set on something and you think it's there and then it's not like you think you set it aside and then somebody else in your family ate it and you go to find it and you're like, oh, man. Oh, that is the worst. Because that happens innocently. The children love to leave like an empty milk carton in the fridge. I don't understand that move.

I can't get my kids to put any milk carton back. I'm proud of your kids. Are you kidding me? I thought that its place is on the counter. Can we sidebar? Yeah. Not on this show. This is serious. How long can that milk carton sit on the counter before you decide that it's gone?

It's got to be under an hour. Oh, really? Wait, what? I think I could push an hour to two hours. Oh, I could go a long time. If I were to go see a movie and come back and the milk was out, that milk is going down the drain. What if you don't know for sure? It's also going down the drain?

If I don't know for sure, that's the smell check. That's where you give it a little. That would be a heat check for me. A heat check? I'm a heat check guy. Really? So you just like hold the. That's the kind of guy I am.

You hold the gallon reel. Yes. Put it up to your neck. You bust out the thermometer? Yeah, the temporal thermometer on it. What is the good temperature you're looking for on that reading? What can really happen here if the lid's on? Can anything really happen?

I don't think so. Not in that amount of time. You would have to leave it out for a while. Can it go sour because of just room temperature? That's actually a great question i wonder how long an enclosed container left unrefrigerated how long does it take to spoil because if we could if we could get to the bottom of this there is an answer yeah it's not an opinion there is an answer and if we could figure that out we would become smarter better human beings now it has to do with bacteria growing, right?

Yeah. This is the message I have from the U.S. dairy. Oh, no. Don't trust. Big dairy is going to say it takes forever. No, they're going to say dump it. In general, perishable foods like milk should not sit out of the refrigerator or cooler for longer than two hours.

That's what it says. Okay. It says after that time, bacteria can start to grow. Man, that seems really fair and reasonable of Big Dairy. Yeah, it does. I don't know how to feel about that. But I'm still the guy that, like, if it's day of, the date, I'm still... Well, because that's reasonable.

I'm probably not. I know. I know. Yeah. I live and die by the date. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration says two hours as well. It's a food safety issue beyond two hours. Now, Al, you're saying it's a 15-minute line for you?

Yep. Like, this thing's got to be in the... I don't mess with milk, man. Do you freeze your milk? Do you freeze it? I don't freeze it. But it stays in the fridge. If it sits out, it's in the trash.

The fridge is at 12 degrees, though. So... Yep. Okay. Wow. Yeah, I i don't i can't the idea of warm milk just grosses me out so much what about lukewarm grosses me out i mean ice cold milk or bust say uh yeah this is this is very interesting okay let me ask you this new question same question not how long do you allow yourself to keep the milk but the milk has been out on the counter for one hour we've all agreed that it's safe that is fine yeah but it's kind of it's lukewarm it's not it's not have a bowl of cereal are you pouring it over a bowl of cereal and eating with lukewarm but not not dangerous but lukewarm milk it sucks it sucks i've i've done it i've done it on accident and it

sucks and you can tell like it needs to be really cold to be enjoyable that's so yeah i don't the cereal sounds bad but i would drink it you would drink it oh that's worse i will now there's uh you ever get the little dairy the creamersers? Right. They're always room temperature. Yeah, because it's- And I used to take little shots of those as a little kid. Is there dairy in that? Oh, yeah. My kids do the same.

You know, you open those up and drink the little creamer? What? Oh, yeah. That's like a treat at a restaurant. They're like- What? Oh, yeah. Can I have a creamer?

Can I have an Irish cream? All right. That's your kids. What? Yeah, that's- You're just drinking the coffee creamer? I give them one creamer. Yeah, it's like a

little a little sweet drink i mean people get coca-colas that are you know 24 ounces for their kids and you know you can have a little you can have a little taste of sweet milk wait do you use it as a substitute for so like a you can have waters today but we will give you a shot of creamer that's exactly yeah of course. Oh, man. That's weird. I don't know why. I have memories of being a little kid and drinking those creamers. Like sneaking them? No.

Just like you'd go to church and they'd have all the coffee out, and the creamers would be there. And I didn't like coffee, but it was like, oh, I'm going to drink a creamer. Did you go straight out of the little cup? Yep, 100%. Good. That's the right call. Anyway, so there was a question. I'll take the single bite.

Oh, yeah. Oh, there was a question. Yeah, single bite for sure. Yeah, I guess so. There's no way that that's... Worse? Well, I mean, it might leave you wanting, and you really might not have a better alternative.

Right, but if you're out, you go, okay, well, you know what? That means I'm going to go to the store and get something. No, that means you're opening up DoorDash. Sure, I'm having someone go to the store and get something. But I can do that right after having a bite as well. I can have a bite and then be like, I want more. I wish they had a public API for other people's DoorDash metrics.

I would like to see what... Oh, man, that should not be the fear of god over jason i would like to see the like every all the stats i want to see frequency i want to see time of day use okay i want to see average bill i want to see all right type of food here's a here's a uh an investigative question have you guys ever dealt dealt with customer service at any of these places? Sure. When you talk to them, do they go out of their way to say, first, I want to thank you for being such a great user?

They do that for everybody? You get a power user? I do. I get a power user greeting. Really? Oh, that's not for everybody? Oh, no. Sir, I'd like to congratulate you.

You're in the 1% club. Dude, I am definitely in the 1% club. Yeah, the public metrics would be so shameful. Okay, how much would your behavior change? So we're all in the studio here. Everything's the same with DoorDash or Postmates, whatever. But it sends a little message to the slack channel with what you ordered and win oh man that would that be good for you that would be devastating oh how cool would that be to be able to see a little bling okay and then it's

like 904 if i knew the taco bell for 148 dollars oh man that would change my life most shameful doordash order oh gosh i don't know what was yesterday i mean i i don't think i think they're all shameful um most is it more shameful what you get or the time of day yeah it's definitely a combination yeah i would say the most shameful is McDonald's. That's the most shameful. And the reason is because I am right next door to this McDonald's. I could walk to the McDonald's.

When I order this thing, it shows up in five minutes. It's not shameful because, oh, McDonald's is unhealthy. It's shameful because that door dasher is probably going through there going, wait, where am I driving this to? You're in the pro-lazy club? I'm in the parking lot of this McDonald's for the most part.

They could walk the door dash to me. They expect to see you laid up in a hospital bed in your house for a reason why it's. This is definitely a leave-at-the-door situation. Don't look me in the eyes. I wonder if you could get a little Slack notification coming through. We can get that. Oh, man, please no. Okay.

Mike, the Miss Man, wrong. Oh, okay. Mike, the Miss Man, wrong. From Patreon. Would you rather receive a $250 discount on everything or a 25% discount on everything? That's easy. Now, just to clarify, a $250 discount on anything that is under $250 is free, correct?

Yeah, correct. No cash back, but free. But for a $300 item, it's $50. So most of my DoorDashes will be free. Yeah. Oh, no. No, no. I don't ever go over $250 on DoorDash.

That often. That often. Once a week. Let me ask you another DoorDash question. I don't ever go over 250 on DoorDash. That often. That often. Yeah. Once a week. Let me ask you another DoorDash question. I need to sidebar again. Have you DoorDashed the big order and then realized you wanted a little bit more from that same place and placed a second DoorDash order for the same place almost immediately? Same place, no.

Multiple DoorDashes on the way to me at the same time. That's a normal? That is pretty normal. Have they ever arrived at the same time? No, don't cross the stream. They've gotten there within minutes. I would say they can high five each other. Do you have anxiety when you do this that the dashers will meet each other?

I don't. He's in the 1% club, so the Dashers all know him personally. Yeah. This is all first name basis. Yeah. So you guys don't get those special greetings. I've never gotten that. Okay.

Me either. I've got goals now. Yeah. What was the, is there a question? Oh, $250 discount. So basically everything under $250 for your entire life is free. Yeah. I mean, that's amazing.

That's great for going out to eat. That's, that's awesome. But a 25% discount on anything. I mean, you get a house. Yeah. It's,

you're thinking about your big purchases that you have to make. That's so interesting. Cause let's say you make it easy. Let's say you buy a $400,000 house. So you're getting a hundred thousand dollars off. It would take a lot of $250 purchases to add up to $100,000. Yes. But you kind of don't think about it that way because getting $250 for free on anything

would incentivize you to buy a ton of things under $250. You'd have carte blanche on all of that. Yeah, you'd have infinity order power. It would take 400 orders of $250 to equal $100,000 in savings. It would also take a $1,000 purchase to equalize the discount. Because you'd get $250 off $1,000, right? That's 25%. That's the same as the other discount.

This is a really good question. I'm taking the $250. I'm taking the $250 discount, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love buying big, expensive things. I really enjoy it. Is 25% off? Like, if I gave you that right now... I love buying big, expensive things. I really enjoy... Is 25% off? Like, if I gave you that right now, would you buy a bunch of things?

It's just 25%. No, I'm just saying I already buy a bunch of expensive things. I see, I see. But when I think about expensive things, like, for instance, I got a pickleball paddle that's very, very expensive, but it's still under $250. Right. And it would have to be over $1,000 to even make a difference. I think you've got to go with the $250. Right. And it would have to be over $1,000 to even make a difference. I think you've got to go with the $250.

Unless you can buy like a multi-million dollar home. Right. Are you buying a yacht? Sure. I mean, Al's probably already conniving to buy a ton of motorcycles on discount and resell them at full price. Oh, that's the loophole. You could make a lucrative business out of this.

Yeah, because you wholesale everything. I mean, you get everything in time. I'm flipping houses. Oh my gosh! Yeah. Dude, if you flip houses, you're filthy rich! Interesting. Sorry, you already locked in your answer. No! I mean, that is the right answer. That's the right answer,

but I think the spirit of the question is more like practical use. So, if it's not No, that's... I mean, that is the right answer. That's the right answer, but I think the spirit of the question is more like practical use. So, if it's not, then that's... What's more practical than my job? I mean, that would become my career. Right. Who's just a home flipper. Holy moly, we chose poorly.

Well, technically, if you get a $250 discount on everything, does that mean that when you pay your mortgage payment, do you get... Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you get $250 off. Well, it, if you get a $250 discount on everything, does that mean that when you pay your mortgage payment, do you get? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you get $250. Well, it might equalize that way somehow.

Nope. Okay. All right. I mean, because if you're doing a $400,000 house. Yeah, your mortgage is a lot over $1,000. You're doing this multiple times. You can get multiples a month. Do we want to move on, Al, or do you want to go to one more question?

Let's do one more. Jonah from the website, would you rather have a big house and a small yard or a small house and a big yard? Ooh, philosophy. This is tough. So we just recently had a really nice house that had a pretty small yard. Like, we had a pool, and it took up most of the yard. and it took up most of the yard. And we loved the house, but we did choose to move because we want to be able to play and throw a football and do things.

Now you went the big house, big yard. There's a better approach. Is that the third option? I will select that. I also think we're uniquely situated in a state where, like, you really don't want to be outside for four to five months of the year. Yeah, that is. So I think a big house is the choice in that way.

Like how many places in the country is that is not the case? Yeah, just some coastal cities. And but in those four to five months here, you want to be in the pool. Yeah. And if you have a pool, if you got a tiny yard. Yeah. But I mean, Jason's the example. They put a pool to fill the whole yard and they they had a big house and a small yard in it.

Well, yeah, but then... But then you moved. But then, yeah, but summer, it's fine because you're using the pool, but then half the year... That's true. You're not using the pool. It's a great question. It's heat the pool. It should be...

I think in Arizona, I would have to have the house over the yard because you're always in your house. And I've got three kids, man. Yep. I want them far away. Yeah, send them outside into the big yard. Well, here's the thing. Here, I can answer it more logically. You can replace the lack of a yard with creativity.

You can go to the park. You can go places to replace what you would do in a backyard. You can go to a pool, a local pool, or your fitness center, your gourmet fitness center. But you can't replace what you get in a house elsewhere. That's true.

The privacy and your family there, that's irreplaceable. That's a good point. I think that's why I go there. You got to take the house. I'm taking the big yard. No, I said you got to take the house. All right.

It has been a little while since we've done this, but I would like to learn. Yeah. Because we are an- When did that start happening? We're an educator. I mean, our entity. Yes. A lot of colleges do reach out, ask us to, how many honorary doctorates have we been offered?

Half a dozen. Half a dozen at least. I've only received one. Offered plenty, but I would like to receive more of them. Well, when this 60 seconds is over. As in you turned them down? No, as in they never followed through. I didn't get a diploma.

I would like to hang this on my wall. At what point do we get to do a graduation speech? That's coming. The three of us would crush a graduation speech. Once a celebrity has achieved

a certain status. We just talked about Jim Carrey a lot. He's got some actually really good stuff out there. He's done some graduation-type speeches and has some poignant stuff to say. We'd probably say something like, hold your diploma, rip it up, and now go talk about stupid stuff on a podcast.

Have you ever pooped your pants? Listen up, Harvard students. So anyways, I say all this to say another part of this education is Jason, he's a worldly man. He knows a lot. Everything. And he's going to share something with us right now. Jason explains in 60 seconds.

And we're going to find out what Jason gets to explain today. That's a strong arm spin. What is he explaining? What do you need to know about? Meteorology. Meteorology. That's super easy. Meteorology.

A lot of people wrongly think that that is all about meteorites. They do. They do know a lot about meteorites. But meteorology is more the study of the weather. And so what you do is you go through a lot of school. And this is all make-believe. The school that you go to actually does not teach you a lot because in the end what happens is this is about acting.

This is about confidence. This is about saying you believe you know what the weather is going to be. And then the group Hive Think, you just watch other channels and you see what they're saying. Someone, there is a Wizard of Oz here in the meteorology world. But only one. There is only one. And everyone will disseminate information from that wizard. And so when you turn on your local broadcast and you want to find out what the weather is,

wizard and so when you turn on your local broadcast and you want to find out what the weather is they you are getting a telephoned version of what someone thinks the weather will be which is why it's never right oh and then if the weather's wrong what's the accountability uh oh there's no accountability because you cannot perfectly judge the weather um i would i a lot of people don't know this but most of the schooling for meteorologists is actually the green screen work it's about how to look at you know you know it's tough because everything is reflection it's backwards it's backwards it's hard and so meteorologists i understand um that is the real skill i thank you for your work on the green screen um and and we need computers to take over

your jobs immediately now the problem with everything that you just laid out is you didn't ask him to spell it and it's actually m-e-a-t oh okay meteorologist yes sir well a meteorologist is someone that knows everything about how to kill a cow cook it and eat it yes um and that is not me because i don't think i could see that the first two parts that was so educational and the truth of what you said at the very end i actually believe which is everything that a meteorologist is doing is taking information that they didn't gather and communicating it to the people on the other side so it's all models and and technology and algorithms that figure out what's happening you know satellites the weather

all the wind speeds instruments and then a person stands there and tells you what it's doing they're not your local meteorologist is not is they are looking at the end result, right? Like the computer that they're looking at has done the work. But they know how to, like, you'd have to know how to analyze the data. What I'm saying is, and we have the technology now to completely make fake people appear real. So there's no real reason we shouldn't have all meteorologists in the future be completely cgi that's what i'm that's what i'm saying i mean you don't have to know how to interpret the data you really don't meteorologists should go away because they should all be actors i can go to

the weather channel right now right and i can be told from the internet what the weather is going to be and let me just i let me regurgitate that back to you confidently no i'm sticking with cgi and i want the cgi to be my favorite actors and actresses telling me the weather that's not like a monster no no like bigfoot i mean it could be you should be able to your weather channel choices should not be based on accuracy it should be based on who you want to hear the weather from who Who would you choose? Weather with Denzel. I mean, that's what I'm going to hear. Yeah, you're going Denzel?

I'm going Thor because God of Thunder, I would imagine, knows a bit about the weather. You want Doc Brown, Mike? I was going to go Morgan Freeman. Sure. Oh, that's good. I mean, that would just be so soon. It's a rainy day.

Is it raining? Is it not raining? It doesn't even matter. It just speaks in puzzles. All right. Let's move on. Spitwads, it's time to talk about Codecademy. If you want to change your career, this is the time to become a programmer.

And that's what Codecademy does. You can learn to code on your own terms. I don't ever learn to code on somebody else's terms. That's my official policy on learning to code. This is a fast changing world. All three of us, we come from a tech background, worked in startups, the value of knowing how to program, to think algorithmically, it's just through the roof because it opens up doors for your own endeavors and for jobs. You can get the technical skills to advance your career. And guess what? 50 million people already know that. They know that Codecademy is the best way to learn to code. That's because Codecademy not only teaches you job-ready coding skills, but also helps you build unique projects for your portfolio, earn certificates, and even prep for technical interviews. I've been in there. I've gotten my 13-year-old in there.

It's awesome. You got to check it out. Join over 50 million people learning to code with Codecademy and see where coding can take you. Get 15% off your Codecademy Pro membership when you go to Codecademy.com and use the promo code BALLERS. That's promo code BALLERS at Codecademy.com to get 15% off Codecademy Pro. The best way to learn to code. C-O-D-E-C-A-D-E-M-Y.com. Promo code BALLERS. Is this real life? All right. It's time for Is This Real Life where we share a real life? All right.

It's time for Is This Real Life, where we share a real life story we found in the news with you and marvel at the fact that it is not made up. I'll start because it almost ties into a joke you just made about wizards because a New Zealand city has made the decision to take its official wizard off the payroll after two decades. Excuse me? What? So there has been. The official wizard. The official wizard. There was an official wizard for the city of Christchurch, New England, who has been paid a salary, which is about $11,000 a year.

A paid wizard? A paid wizard. And he is about $11,000 a year. A paid wizard? A paid wizard. And he was known as the Wizard of New Zealand. Does he look like a wizard? Yes, he dresses up like a wizard. And he, quote, provides acts of wizardry and other wizard-like services as part of promotional work for the City of Christ Church. I'm going to need that to find out a little bit more. Wait a minute.

So he is their local wizard. He... And he's been paid for wizarding. Did you say a decade? Two decades. Two decades? 20 years? They literally paid government funds

for a wizard? Now, what? Is he wizarding full time? Like how much, what are the hours for being a wizard? No, I mean, 11,000 a year seems like part-time wizardry. But apparently on his local, on his actual passport, he is listed as the Wizard of New Zealand on official documents. What?

I mean, that's who he is. Now, I want to know, if they were to replace him, what the job description is. Like, what is your daily duty? Acts of wizardry. Acts of wizardry. Yeah. Control the weather.

Weathermen don't know what's going on. We need you to step in. He has been fired, though. An official wizard. He has been fired. With cause? Great question. With cause.

Oh, no. Is that because he's not a wizard? No, that's because he's made some offensive remarks about women. Oh no. Is that because he's not a wizard? No, that's because he's made some offensive remarks about women. Oh, wizards, man. Wizards are such chauvinists.

You're you're, and I'm not going to read them to you. Yeah, that's wise. Oh wow. Generally you want your, your local wizards. It's just the story.

Just it, want your your local wizard it's just the story just it got to a home run because this place was hiring and paying for a wizard and you got what you asked for because this guy's been being paid as a wizard and you after two decades of being paid as a wizard it goes to your head it goes to your head that's what I'm saying. Wow. Okay. All right. Who wants to go next? I will jump in here.

This story here that I came across, it's got some layers to it. Okay. And I think some true life lessons. Is it a cowl zone? No. A cowl zone has like one layer. It's like dough and then it's... Yeah, that's a great question.

How many layers? A calzone would be known for multiple layers, right? I don't think so. I think an onion has like a lot of layers. A calzone is just like a folded pizza. It's like one. Am I alone? And we're done.

All right. All right. So the cheese, ham. Ham? Are those layers? One. Am I alone? And we're done. All right. All right. So. The cheese, ham. Ham? Are those layers? Are you talking about like how many layers you got on that sandwich? So anyways, in California, some motorists were driving on the freeway when they noticed a whole bunch of money that was flowing across the freeway when they noticed a whole bunch of money was flowing across the freeway.

And it turned out that an armored vehicle, something had happened, and a bag of money had fallen out, and then the bag had opened. That's the dream. That is the dream. Yes. You just look at all this money, and I think that I get to keep it. So, of course, people, being people, got out of their cars, and they were grabbing all the money and everything,

including a fitness influencer who has 2.6 million followers. And she started to share clips of herself grabbing the money. You've got to do that in the dark. Yes. So all about the content. Now these people are going to have, number one, they're going to have to give back the money. Right.

And so that's a cautionary tale of you don't need to make content of everything. There was some free money out there. And then it got into more what are are actually the rules of lost money? If you find something. Is that theft? No. That's not theft, is it? Well, yes, sort of.

So the common law rule is if you find something that was abandoned, whoever, it's finders keepers. Okay. You get to grab it. I don't know the motivation of something laying on the ground. I know, which is very tough but if something is unintentionally lost like a wallet or government money you have to give it back so the police are trying to track it down and then it got into another story further about finders keepers uh because someone a bargain hunter in north car Carolina picked up a barbecue smoker at an auction. Inside of the barbecue, a gnarled human leg.

Turns out the- Finders keepers. Yes. What does this have to do with money? The former owner is the amputee, wanted their leg back. What? The person who bought the barbecue didn't want to give the leg back. What? And the person who bought the barbecue didn't want to give the leg back. The leg back. What?

And this is apparently a 2015 documentary about finders keepers, about these rules. But I'm like, this article just kept taking turns. So did they go to court over this leg? I didn't get a finale on what happened with the leg. No, it's mine. Oh, wait, yeah, no. A judge ordered him to return the leg.

I have the dream story because I was a little kid and I found... A leg. My brother and I went to the movies. My parents dropped us off. I think I've told this before. Yeah, I remember this story. We found $220 in cash rolled up behind a post out in the open, just on the ground. And as a kid, that's infinite money.

Sure. As a young kid. As an adult, you know that there's something nefarious. You should not take that money. This was so wide out in the open. So I picked it up, and we went into the movie theater, and we counted it, and our minds were blown. But my mom made us try to turn it in. Yeah.

And they would not take it. Yeah. Because it's cash. Yeah, because it was rolled up. Yeah. Because they know what's about to go down. Oh, man. That story really did have a lot of layers.

So I guess the big takeaway is if you find money all over the freeway, don't broadcast it to 2.6 million people. It feels like we should pass laws to where, like, if armored trucks drop money, that is fair game. Oh, absolutely. It's their job to not drop money. That's your job. You failed at your job. Punishment should be complete gain. Yeah.

All right. I like that. What a calzone you had there, Mike. Yeah. You guys aren't eating the right kind of calzones. Speaking of food. All right. I like that. What a calzone you had there, Mike. Yeah. Thank you. You guys aren't eating the right kind of calzones. Speaking of food. All right.

40-person brawl. What? 40. 4-0. 40-person brawl breaks out in Golden Corral over reported- That's amazing. out in Golden Corral over reported steak shortage. Oh no. I have watched the video. There is a video of this 40 person brawl happening at this. If you're not familiar with Golden Corral, it's an all you can eat buffet. This is a buffet. It's a classy choice. If you're not familiar with Golden Corral, it's an all-you-can-eat buffet. This is a buffet. It's a classy choice.

If you're not familiar, congratulations. Who was the – wasn't their spokesman the – who's the redneck joke guy? Oh, Foxworthy. Foxworthy. He did a great job. I mean, he got them all there because this 40-person brawl breaks out. They are literally swinging and throwing. Did it get to the beginning of it?

High chairs. You've watched the video? I've watched the video where kids, you get like, how many seats? Four plus a high chair. They're grabbing these high chairs, throwing them. People are running. This is a gold.

I mean, meet me behind the corral that's what they say right okay corral no gold corral fight so moral of the story here is what protect yourself you know you probably need to go strapped to the golden crop um because if they like wider if they absolutely if they run out of steak oh man wow Anything can happen. Give me those huckleberries. Did the video have the beginning of the fight? Kind of, yeah. What instigated that? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I got to see that escalation. Was it the last stake, and then people were fighting over it? And how does it turn into 40 people? Oh, because they have- Was this like the Sharks versus the Jets coming in? They're like, we need that steak. It started by someone cutting the line. Okay.

So they cut the line to get the steak because they're running out of steak. And then was this like an Old West saloon where the person reared back to punch but elbowed the person behind them? And it just sends off the giant. It really did seem like one of those old Western bar brawl movies where as soon as one person's fighting over there, then it's just like, well, I'm punching this guy. Why is everybody fighting? What are the actual, because I've been to a buffet recently when we went out of state. What are the actual etiquette rules on a non obvious line situation?

I have a hard time with that. I know exactly what you're saying. I prefer a buffet that has an obvious start and end of the line. You want a Luby's. Yeah, I mean, I don't know about that, but I want every little sometimes they can be very loose and

you don't know where the line would begin. And so you just walk... Do you just walk up to food? Do you find the closest person and get behind them? What's behind them? It's easy when there is a line, right? If there's a line, you just go get in it. That's right.

There's usually only lines at certain parts of the buffet, right? A lot of times... I'm not a buffet connoisseur. Let's say you go up to a little buffet area, and there's five things at this little area of a buffet. This station. And someone is there on the, you know, left side. And the plates are on the left and you kind of go left to right.

But she's kind of hanging out there. You don't want that. You want the stuff on the right. I never know if I'm allowed to, like, can I just go up and get the stuff I want? Or do I have to wait for her to move through the area? I would think you can just go get it. Well, I've learned now. You just fight for it.

You just go. You grab it. You fight for it. Grab the high chair. Swing it around. The high chair is a great weapon. What is wrong with people? A lot.

A lot. But let's get some. Step one, they went to a golden corral. Yeah, there are ways to begin the wrong journey. All right, let's get one. They went to a golden. Yeah, there are ways to begin the wrong journey. All right, let's let's move on. Spitwads, did you know they're browsing online using incognito mode? As cool as that sounds, it doesn't actually protect your privacy. That's right.

Without added security, you might as well be giving away all your private data to hackers, to advertisers, to Al Borland, to your ISP, other prying eyes. Just be careful. Be careful out there. That's why we use IPVanish. It's a VPN. Makes it easy to stay truly private and secure on the Internet. Private, secure. That's what you want. They help you safely browse the Internet by encrypting 100% of your data. they help you safely browse the internet by encrypting 100% of your data, private details, passwords, communications, browsing history, all shielded, will not fall into the wrong hands. No, Al. No, I say to Al, you cannot take my data. And you can use it on unlimited devices. You don't sacrifice speed. Put it on your tablet, your phone, put it wherever. Protect yourself. And

they're giving us 70% off deal to our listeners with a 30-day money-back guarantee. That's like getting nine months for free. Protect yourself from Al and others. Go to ipvanish.com slash ballers. Use the promotional code ballers and claim your 70% savings. That'sS-H dot com slash ballers. The Spitballers Draft. All right. Let's get sophisticated. We are drafting wild animals that we would like to release into each other's backyard. Yeah.

So I assume that we're really trying to cause some havoc. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I want to beautify really trying to cause some havoc. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I want to beautify your yard. You'll find out. Yeah, I'm not doing that. I'm trying to cause you some issues. I'm not doing that either.

Mike, you said that. Or no, Jason, you said there's a 101. Jason said there's a clear 101. I have the one that I think is. I don't know. Whatever. It's my 101. All right.

Because this is going to be a situation at all times. I'll probably eat a lot of these animals. What are you doing to us? I'm putting a skunk in your backyard. Yep, that's the 101. That is definitely the 101. Really? Absolutely. You have to live in fear

of the skunk spraying. To be clear, are we only putting one of a single animal? We can do whatever we want here. My thought is that there may be... Okay, it would be skunks. My thought is maybe there's something to be worried about beyond

a smell. If you haven't smelled... Oh, I've smelled the skunk. But like fresh out the glands. Okay, I'm just thinking there are worse things that could happen to you. Yeah, the skunk, but like fresh out the glands. Okay, I'm just thinking there are worse things that could happen to you. Yeah, there could be. But yeah, skunk, I think that is because if we're putting it in each other's yard, it's one of those like, honestly, it could be one. I'm not trying to kill you.

I'm just trying to make your life terrible. It could be one. We're going to be going for different goals here. life terrible it could be we're gonna be going for different goals here it could be one skunk because it's like nobody knew that you dropped a mop that's like a gotcha that's a good gag i do feel like i i have the physical ability to get rid of a skunk if i spotted a skunk in my yard i think i could take care of that okay you want to know what you don't have the physical ability to get rid of i was gonna wait for this one for my fourth pick. I'm going number one.

I'm putting a whale in your backyard. A whole whale. Get rid of that. It's a dead, blubbery whale in your backyard. What are you going to do, honey? Why is there a whale in my backyard? And technically, I'm going to hold you to this. And you guys went big house, little yard.

I'm holding you to this. These are animals you have to release into the yard. So when you put it there, it's alive. Oh, yeah, for sure. I got to get out of the way quick. Not for long. Not my problem anymore. But that thing is getting dropped off a crane.

Yeah. And it is alive for a little while helicoptered in and uh yeah have fun dynamiting your way out of that oh no oh i thought about that was my last i had this list done and that would have gotten to your last pick but that was funny i thought of that at the end i was like what would you do how do you get rid of a whale? That is something. You can't hire it. There aren't teams of people waiting around to help you with that.

You move and you sell your house for 20 bucks. You got to call the people who do the fire and water damage repair. I feel like they could figure it out. Oh, I want to see that guy come to your door and say, listen, you might not have seen this before. I got a problem in the backyard. You ever heard of a blue whale? Come check this out. I've seen everything.

Wow. Well. I honestly don't know how you could practically get rid of that whale. I mean. One piece at a time. That's right. That's probably the way. It would be.

But it would start to smell much worse. That's worse than a skunk. Yeah. Because that whale ain't living for long, and then you got a skunk and a whale. Yeah. That's a problem. Well, shoot. Both of you have very innovative, thoughtful ideas.

My goal when I release these animals into your backyard is I went a few different directions, and one was like, what are the odds that they could get into your house and cause you more damage than just being locked outside? Interesting. A burglar. Those people are animals. So I figured I'm going with... The ultimate predator. Human beings.

All right, whale man um so i'm gonna i'm gonna start with africanized honeybees i'm gonna really i'm gonna i'm gonna chuck that's an easy drop off too the whale you've got to have some that's an easy removal well not the way there'll be people yeah yeah but i'm i'm tossing i'm tossing a full-on hive over the fence. Just a straight grenade throw. I'm doing a grenade hive. And these things are going... Some of them are finding their way inside, is my point.

Yeah, I mean... And once again, I've gone the direction... I'm trying to cause you potentially inconvenience slash bodily harm. Okay. I've seen My Girl. Too soon? No, it's not. It's funny.

Too soon? It's been 30 years. I don't even know the reference oh the movie my girl where the you didn't have that devastation as a child that movie wrecked me that is what are you even talking about there's a movie is that macaulay colkin it is macaulay colkin was or should i say it was yeah it was in this movie my girl it was just like drama with these two children friends a mean thing they did to each other? No. It just died.

It's a kid movie. The kid died from bees. And then all of a sudden he gets attacked by bees and dies. He got murdered by a swarm of bees and died. It was horrifically devastating at that age. Yes. For the kid to just get horrifically murdered by bees. So yes.

Somebody wrote that script for him. It was like a little love story. So you watch these two kids fall in love, and then you watch him die. It was a real devastating movie. You should check it out. Bring your kids. Watch it.

Cut it out. The whole family. I think the true animal is the writer-director of that film. Yes. Is that your next pick? No, my next pick. The writer of My Girl. My next pick is, it's going to be some moose.

Ooh. Honore. Yeah, they're humongous. How do you get rid of a moose? How do you stop? They're going to potentially go through the glass, go through the windows. They're going to find their way through some of the header beams. You got to hope you have an RV gate.

That's your only chance. You know what I mean? The big wide gate that you can just open up and hope they run. I'm going to release some moose into your backyard, which is the plural of moose, right? I think so. A whole bunch of moose? That doesn't sound right. Yeah.

Why have we done that? You have a lot of whys to the english language because it's garbage why can you call them meese if you want or just mooses i've got a worse one maybe it's mooses i've got a worse stupid spelling and it's my next pick okay possums oh what do they do what's wrong with possums isn't possum spelled opossum or am i wrong are they different they might be different animals well then is there because there's a possum and then there's an opossum i think both are appropriate right wait but is it the same thing is it the same or is it different opossum i don't even know what they do in my back what are they gonna do in my backyard they're're going to hang upside down or pretend to be dead.

Both possum and opossum correctly referred to the Virginia opossum frequently seen in North America. So it's the same. Hold on, hold on. Opossum can be pronounced with the syllable voiced or silent. So the actual animal is an opossum. I've always thought it was two different animals. Nope.

So someone just threw an O onto there, and we decided, eh, take or leave that O. We can just call it a possum. Yeah, because you have hippopotamuses and opotomuses. Right? Yeah, well, I'm taking the opotomus. I'm taking the opossum. What do they do? How are you hurting me with this?

Oh, dude, Those things are mean. They're vicious. They will play possum. They'll think that you got them. They'll go through your garbage. They're going to wreak havoc. Now, Brooks has chimed in with a note. They are filled with disease and have fangs.

They're also filled with disease. Are they up in Michigan? Yeah, I thought they were everywhere. We don't got them. In general. I've never seen one. We've gotten rid of those. Interesting.

Yeah, I've heard. Those are the things I've always heard about them. Really? So they're mean. Yeah. They're known to carry leptospirosis, tuberculosis. What? Just on their backs?

They're just carrying it around? Osteoporosis. What? Just on their backs? They're just carrying it around? Osteoporosis. And other diseases. Pesky creatures pose serious health threats when they invade urban environments. Ooh, and that would be an invasion. Yeah. Now, to be clear, are they there with the whale? Because they might help me with the whale problem.

They probably would eat some of that. That's a lot of eating. All right, so you're releasing. Now, you're going formally opossum? Oh, for sure. Okay. Mike, you've got two picks. What are you doing to us?

All right, well, I've got the skunk, and I'm going to continue what I also will compound smell in your yard. But we'll get some girth in there. I'm going to put a rhinoceros. Yeah, it's on my list. A rhinoceros in your yard. But we'll get some girth in there. I'm going to put a rhinoceros. Yeah, it's on my list. A rhinoceros in your backyard. Not only can he destroy things, that dude's just dumping all over your yard. Oh, yeah, I didn't think about dumps.

Oh, dude, there'll be so many dumps. Okay. So many gigantic dumps. And then while you're trying to deal with the rhinoceros. I have thought that the rhinoceros, I'm afraid I was going to put it in your backyard, and I'm waiting for him to charge, and he just goes to the corner, eats some grass, and takes a dump. Yeah, but that's going to be a gigantic dump.

This is just turning into a draft of how can we leave the most feces in each other's backyards with animals. All right. And then we thought about this very differently. I was trying to cause annoyance. Yeah, so am I. I'm going to release a howler monkey into your backyard. That's great.

That's a great one. Those things are so loud and so obnoxious. I've never heard of a howler. I think we need to presume that this animal is releasing to your yard for a little while. They're going to have to be back there. That's a better way to think about it.

The whale, it's there. Pull up a video at the end of the podcast, Jay. They're so loud. I can see a still photo of how annoying this howler monkey is. You would not be able to sleep at all. this howler monkey is. You would not be able to sleep at all. No.

The howler monkey ruining your life. Okay. All right. So you have some skunks, rhinoceros. Wait, is it rhinoceroses? It's rhinoceri. No, it's not. It's actually rhinoceroses.

That's so stupid. Is that like Cher-Cher-Cher? Okay. No, it's not. It's actually rhinoceroses. That's so stupid. Is that like Cher-Cher-Cher? We've accepted it's rhinoceroses, but mooses, like, whoa, whoa, whoa. It is mooses. No, is it? No, it's moose. No, moose is moose. Plural of moose.

I feel like we've been over this. Yeah, I think it's moose. It's like fish. It's just moose. Dang it. Fishes. What's wrong Yeah, I think it's moose. It's like fish. It's just moose. Dang it. Fishes. What's wrong with the word fishes? Or meese.

Or fiche. Or at least fishies. Yeah. Yeah. We've gone down that road before. All right, okay. Back to you, Jason. Back to me.

I'm going to take this so that nobody else can because I don't want them in my backyard. That's usually how the draft works. Yes, but this would be worse than the whale for me. Oh. Oh, okay. Oh, I was my next pick. Yes, then hallelujah. I'm taking tarantulas. Get them out of my area.

They're going in your yards, not mine. You can't hurt me anymore. Give me a moose. I would genuinely. I'm not even joking. This is not a. anymore nothing give me a moose i would genuinely i'm not even joking this is not i would rather if you put two moose in my backyard or you put two tarantulas in my backyard i would so much rather have them because at least you know where the moose is absolutely i think i've really it's

taken years i mean 20 of them but i think i've really i figured out figured out you are more afraid of tarantulas themselves than any other spider. No question. Without a shred. Is it the hair? Ah! Oh, my gosh. Stop it. Apparently it is.

It's the hair. Is it the hand size? The size of a hand? So what's your pick, Andy? Well, I have to close it out now. My last two picks, right? Yes. Okay. All right. I'm going to two picks, right? Yes. Okay. All right.

I'm going to go with rattlesnakes. Okay. I'm going to release a bunch of rattlesnakes into your backyard. To kill us. Well, look, it's going to make moving around your backyard pretty scary. I'm just never going out there. Okay. That is their

domain now. And then I'm going to go with bats. Okay. Because they carry rabies. And then I'm going to go with bats. Okay. Because they carry rabies and SARS and they have sharp teeth. Much like they're the opossum of the sky, they say. And they're going to find their way into your attic. They're going to find you. They're loud. Oh, my gosh, they're loud.

Did I ever tell you guys I had a bat in my yard once? Like in my tree. Louisville Slugger. No, but like it's what is so dumb i liked it um it was in your tree huh yeah we just all of a sudden you know threw it up there no and it got stuck because it looked like it looked like there was a turd looked like there was a turd in our tree and we're like what is happening and it's a bat we've had them up at the cabin right but i'm talking about and they're in the attic and you hear them constantly they're in your attic yeah they kind of they create little their bats in your they move across the country and they just hang out at our cabin for a little while i think you

should probably have someone take a look at that there are there i'm telling you right now there are people that there are people that love bats. There are people that crusade towards normalizing our view of bats. And there are people that have been on Shark Tank that sell bat houses so that you can put bats in your yard on purpose to eat all the bugs. Mosquito control is that your rabies count goes up in the house, but the mosquitoes go down. So I'm going to close it out with bats.

I'll take mosquitoes. You take rabies over mosquitoes? They don't all have rabies. I don't think the bats are going to attack me. So I think I'd take the bats over the mosquitoes, depending on the quantity. Interesting. There you go. Okay. My last pick here. I've got a number of different

ways i could go and i'm trying to think death or annoyance i think i choose death death by annoyance i'm gonna take a mountain lion okay because um i know up at the cabin there have been mountain lions nearby. Yeah, and that got you. It's so terrifying because you don't realize. What is a mountain lion way? Thank you, Mike. I looked it up.

When I thought I knew what a mountain lion was, I was like, oh, I was thinking like a bobcat. Is a mountain lion a cougar? No, a mountain lion is a mountain lion. cougar mountain lion mountain lion's a mountain lion okay yeah they're giant they're not as big as we had this debate with my wife a week ago where i was trying to contend that they because i was like you're thinking of them as bobcats bob and bobcats are small i mean you still don't want to mess you're not worried about i'm not worried about bobcat it would but a mountain lion is slightly smaller than a female lion. Really?

Probably about 25% smaller. And those things live here? They live here. They average 150 pounds, get up to 220. You do not want to mess with that. They can be like six to seven feet. Oh, yeah. They're just killing machines.

It's funny. I'm not afraid of a mountain lion at all. 0%. You probably should be. You probably should reevaluate your view of mountain lions. They're not after us. They're hungry. You're meat.

I mean, end of story. They're hungry. You're meat. End of story. Okay. I mean, you could have gone with an actual lion. Well, but the reality, the reason I wanted a mountain lion is because they are actually here.

It was like. It's for the lion? You're doing it for them? Well, I just. You're giving them a more habitable. It's, yeah, I mean, I want them to enjoy their habitat. You didn't think about that with the whale, did you? No, I knew he's dead, so that's fine.

We don't need to be near an ocean. Yeah, but the mountain lion gets rid of the whale. Now, how much does a lion weigh? That's like a regular lion? That's why I was curious. Oh, I should have gotten a regular lion. That's 420 pounds. A male lion is huge.

Oh, my goodness. All right. With my last pick. Yeah, close it out, Mike. You've been very innovative. You've got skunks with smells. So you've got smells, sounds. The rhino's a problem because of the dumps. Yes. And so you've got with smells. So you got smells, sounds. The rhino's a problem because of the dumps.

Yes. And so you got additional smells. And the howler monkey's going to form a band. Oh, no. Because I'm putting cicadas out. Oh, really? In your backyard. Oh, that's torture.

Because those things are the freaking worst. So instead of killing us with your animals, you're getting us to kill ourselves. Yeah, that's awful. Mental warfare. Oh, my gosh. Like, we have... Burn it all. We have cicadas here in Arizona pretty much every summer, but there's just, like, a few of them.

They're loud. But, right. And so I'm saying we've only experienced when there's, like, a couple. We haven't experienced when one of the broods show up, and it's just, they say it's deafening. It's so loud, these stupid bugs, and their dumb life's like, what are they doing? Yeah, I mean, they're harmless, and yet a nuisance.

Not to the trees. Aren't they? I think they kill trees. Is the sound like a chainsaw they're cutting down the tree? Yeah. That's what they, if you look real close. They have tiny little chainsaws. I like it.

All right. That is it. I want to bring up a couple for you. All right. Because roosters to go along with the morning wake-ups, and gophers just destroying your yard hard to get rid of. I've had a ground squirrel that I had to spend two years trying to catch. So you get gophers, that's hard to catch.

You've seen videos of people blowing up their yard to try to get rid of gophers. I had elephants if I want to compete on the dump levels with Mike. I hope that whale gets one dump out before it dies. Do whales? They have to. Oh, yeah. They take big dumps.

They're a mammal, right? Big dumps. But do those go, they just drop to the bottom, huh? Well, I think it comes out like a spray. Oh, does it? Because you're in the, yeah. I mean, their diet. They just eat plankton.

I mean, we poop in the water, too. It's a donut. Hold on a minute. How deep do you put your... I mean, it goes into the water. How deep do you dip? You don't start submerged? That's why you've never seen my toilet? It's huge.

It's my pooping tub. It's my pooping tub. Alrighty. Well, um... What did we learn today? I learned that old possum, opossum thing. Yeah, I learned that milk can be on the counter for two hours. There you go.

According to the... And I learned a lot about finders keepers laws. If you find a leg, it's yours. If you find a leg, it's yours. Even if the amputee wants it back. We should pass that money bill. If it's out on the freeway, it should be free game. Thank you for tuning in.

Tell your friends. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Tell your friends goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out