Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 19: A Numbers Game and Shark Attacks - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 22, 2018

Today's show is full of terrifying beasts including sharks, zombies, and dinosaurs. We also find out how good Jason is at guessing numbers and get an insight into just how smart (or not smart) he might be. Lot's of interesting situations, great questions, and bizarre would you rather questions.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. What's up, Spitwads? It's another episode of the show. Oh, I wish people could have seen the arm dancing you were just putting on. Oh my goodness. Real, real good.

Real, real good. Do you want me to teach you, Mike? I'm pretty sure I can pick it up. Real, real good. Do you want me to teach you, Mike? I'm pretty sure I can pick it up. Look, my family has a long history of dancing like birds, like wild birds. You looked like Papa McFly dancing at the Under the Sea Enchantment Dance.

Thank you. Thank you. I take that as a huge compliment. Not a compliment. Thank you. I take that as a huge compliment. Not a compliment. You can follow this fine show and all of its arm dancing at at SpitballersPod on Twitter. The website is SpitballersPod.com.

You can submit questions for the show. And we're happy you joined us this fine morning or afternoon or evening or whenever you're listening. Probably, if I have to guess, it's probably a Monday morning, because that's when they release, and everyone around the nation, nay, the world. They surround their transistors. They're waiting for the new episode to drop.

They go, hoo-ha! It's Monday morning. I get up, put the tie on tight. Put the tie on tight. Just the tie. Just the tie. I'm naked with a tie. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. And then I listen to the Spitballers pod. This is how I listen to all my podcasts. Good time to remind you this is a family-friendly. Yeah, Jason. Weekly dose of nonsense. We have a great show today. Your tie nudist.

Situation room, would you rather? And that's a great question. Let's, oh, I. Whoa. room would you rather and that's a great question let's um oh i well uh we should take a split second to uh thank everybody who's left us a fine review over on on the itunes supporting the podcast helping us grow into the comedy behemoth that this uh show has become did you know so this is what episode is this 19 this is the 19th episode in our tenured history. Our super long tenured history. Thank you, Spitwads.

We are right now. Yeah. We're at about a half a million downloads. Oh, goodness. And we love you. We thank you. And we have no idea why you're listening. There's one word that comes to mind when I think of my own participation in this show.

Maybe all of us. Mistake. As time goes on. I was going to go with legacy, Mike. Oh. It's a mistake on your legacy. Tomato, tomato. It's a legacy mistake.

The Situation Room. All right. We're hopping into The Situation Room. And here we go. You find a book and begin to read, only to discover that it is your life. Oh, it's like Sebastian. You get to the point. Never-ending story, no? You get to the point that you are at right now.

Sebastian! In the book. Do you turn the page knowing that you will not be able to change any of the events that are to come? So you've discovered a book of your life. You've now read to the point where the bookmark is. Where you're reading about you reading a book. Correct. Oh, man.

The part of the book where you've just discovered a book about your life. I don't think you'd be weirded out at that point mike you've already been reading everything that's happened you're not getting to oh my gosh how'd they know i was reading this but do you go on reading do you want to know what is to come or do you you know maybe you don't read it consecutively but maybe you just skip ahead a little bit and just read a little paragraph. Here's the first thing I do. He threw up the bagel he had that morning. Oh, someday I'm going to throw up a bagel.

First thing I do is I mark my page. I close that book, and I look how far through this book am I? That's a pro move. Yeah. I go, oh, am I near the end here? Well, hold on. Because it's a magic book. It's true.

Do pages just keep appearing? Does the text, once you've caught up, is the text appearing in front of you? Is it talking about you thinking about reading this book? I hope the book completely tricks you. I close it. I'm halfway through the book. 90% of those pages left are blank.

And then an anvil just wily coyotes you right there. Should have read the next page. Could have dodged. So you check the book. You see if you got, you know, what have you got like a few chapters at least? I'm going to hope. You're halfway through your book. I'm going to hope that we are at the

furthest we're halfway through. Okay. So let's say I close this book, I look, and I got half the book, half the life left to go. Do you have a friend? Would you hand me the book and let me read for you? Is there a... Tell you the good stuff? Is there a table of contents?

No. No. In a magic book. No. Of course not. What kind of book doesn't have a table of contents? A magic book, Mike. What a ridiculous question.

Table of contents. Do you want to read it, Mike? Do you want to know anything? No. I don't think I want to know. There is zero chance I'm not reading on. I am reading the heck out of this book. Oh, you betcha.

That gets in a whole paradoxical universe there where it's like if you know what's going to happen, do you do what's going to happen? Or is the reason it happened because I read ahead? So here's where I'm at. There's

no way I don't read ahead. Now that doesn't mean I'm reading the completion. I'm not necessarily reading every page to the rest of my life, find out how I die, but I'm reading that next page I'm going to say, how's the day going? And then I'm going to see how that day goes, having

known it. You know what I mean? Then you'll come back? Then I'll decide. I'll be like, man, that sucked. How detailed is this book? Right. It's got to be more like these have got to be bullet points. Otherwise, we're not every conversation you have, not every time you go to the bathroom, not every time you have a meal. I mean, that would be an encyclopedia set.

Yeah, this has got to be more like, okay. Fills a library. Maybe you've even got maybe you're even skipping days and weeks in this book, right? You've got the headlines. Yeah, only the highlights. So maybe you skip ahead a few. The highlights of my life would fill a library, Mike. I don't think they would.

That's probably not true. But what if you went ahead a few chapters and all you read was just, and Jason woke up and reattached his prosthetic leg and set out for the day. Oh, man. And then you're just watching. You're just trying to figure out how you lost your leg in the next 10 years. That's where I stay in bed for sure to avoid it. I never get out of bed.

And then gang green gets me in bed. That's like a really benign version of Final Destination. Right. Where instead of like you're waiting to die to die you're waiting to be maimed that's not fun all right we're moving on you are offered a pill that makes you 25 percent more intelligent but permanently removes your hair including your eyebrows so full okay so so i walk you know someone walks up probably wearing a you know really cool trench coat and a pair of sunglasses, and he says, I got a pill.

Do you want this? I see Morpheus here. Yeah, this is Morpheus. And he's saying, 25% smarter, more intelligent, but you got no hair. I mean, you got no eyebrows. Here's the problem for me. So this is really a vanity versus intelligence. 25%? I don't know that that's enough for me so this is really a vanity versus intelligence it's 25 i don't know that's

enough for me like then i'm just average you know that's true for you it's like oh i want to be a little bit smarter sure you need a lot more than 25 to get back to yeah it's gonna need the it's gonna need to be like limitless you know what i mean the movie the way that's a lot more than 25 what percentage do you need to want to be hairless well 100 200 if i can double my intelligence yeah cosmetic tattooing has seen leaps and bounds i don't know if you guys have seen any eyebrows specifically for eyebrows and for hairlines i don't know if you guys have ever seen any of these. For the eyebrows specifically? For eyebrows and for hairlines. I don't know if you guys have seen the fellas. So there's fellas now that you got the George Costanza.

You got the horseshoe hair, as I always call it. I don't know what other people call it. The Costanza. But there are tattoo artists now that fill it in, and so it just looks like you have the the real real close shave and it it looks legit i would hope though that we are now smart enough with our intelligence to realize that appearance should not matter you've trained you've just become a beam of light yeah total uh dr manhattan situation here well i i'm reading on this cosmetic tattoos, and I guess it's very common for

women to get their lips filled in out more by tattoo. Yes. To make the lips appear fuller via cosmetic tattoo. Yeah, I didn't know that existed. There's a lot of crazy stuff happening. But it's basically saying, look, I need to become smart enough to where I

can be the freak and still respect it. You know how Mr. Professor Axe has got his wheelchair and he's just kind of cruising along, but he's just so smart and can do anything he wants, so he's... What's wrong with you calling him a freak? No, no, no. I'm saying we're like that. You're a monster.

No, where the disadvantage is so disproportionate to the advantage. I got you. I'm not trying to call him a freak for being in a wheelchair. I'm saying that everything about him is his intelligence. And I don't know if I go up 25%. That's what I'm saying. It's got to be more. Yeah.

It's got to be that limitless. I need to be able to... Can I even go up 25% more? I mean, I'm probably capped at maybe 5% more. Yeah, I'm not positive, but I think there's a ways. I think there's room for improvement. What is that? Is that alopecia?

Yes. What's the basketball player? Think about how much faster you'd be able to swim. Oh, come on. I'm just saying, there's some advantages here to the hair loss. I would say your advantage is swimming speed are less than 25% swimming speed. I'm thinking you're more in the one person. Form of a dolphin.

What are you doing over here? Go. It's ridiculous. Slippery, though. I mean, a little slippery. Yeah. I remember in high school all the swimmers they would have the shaving parties where they'd grow my my girlfriend was a swimmer

and so she'd grow the hair out on her legs just to shave it disgusting to slow her down no what is happening with this question they would all get together and shave their whole bodies so that they'd be faster swimmers. It has to. Wait, why do you grow it out to then shave it? Because when you're practicing, it slows you down. Oh, it's like the meat. It's like the donut on the bat for baseball players.

Oh, so you build your strength up trying to fight against your leg hair? Because of all the leg hair? Yes. So your girlfriend had that much leg hair, she was being now slowed down like a parachute back behind her? Yeah, maybe. She had a little Italian in her. Goodness gracious.

You were on board for this plan? I was not. I didn't get a say in this. I wasn't married. This wasn't my decision to override. I would have looked sideways. All right. Here's the last situation room question.

Do you want to receive $20,000 for nothing? Yes. Or $200,000 if you can pick the number. So somebody comes up to you. They say, you got a choice. You got $20,000. You can take it. Or you can have $200,000 if you can pick the number i'm thinking of between one and five man so you've got a twenty percent chance at two hundred

grand or a hundred percent chance at 20 grand we got some trust problems to start because the first thing i think with all these weird strangers offering those things yeah there's a problem if the person says guess the number i'm thinking i I don't believe he's ever going to say. If I say three and he was thinking three, he's going to be like, nope. He's got his thoughts notarized, though. He's got it on a piece of paper. That's what I need. I need to say.

You've got to go to the bank, grab the notary, write that number on a piece of paper, get that notarized. The other person knows it and say, if you can guess that. This is basically what? 20% chance. Yeah. Right? But to increase your money tremendously. You're trying to do the math on how much, how many times?

Well, I was actually trying to do it to, you know, bird in hand, how many in the bush. Well, let's think about this mathematically. That's 10 times more money. 10 times more money. 10 in the bush. And you have a 20% 10 in the bush, as they say. Yeah. You have a 20%... Ten in the bush, as they say. You have a 20% chance of being right

for ten times the money. Twenty is greater than ten, so you have to go with the $200,000 mathematically speaking. Are you hairless now? Did you figure that out through your intellect? Yes, through my intellect. I'd take the $20,000. Give me the burden of hand. I ain't playing this game.

Do you hear this lottery right now? It's up to like 970 million dollars. I'll be right back. This is reminding me, are you guys familiar with the the Monty Hall what do they call it? The Monty Hall problem basically where it talks about, you know the show Let's Make a Deal.

Sure. Right? And then at the end when there's three curtains, deal sure right and then at the end when there's there's three curtains you pick one and then they reveal the curtain on one of them and it shows you that it's the wrong choice now you have the option between staying with yours or going or switching which makes no sense to switch but mathematically you have to switch really it's it's crazy i mean it's it's a tiny little increment of probability of upping your odds, but it's extremely fascinating when you dive into this. Of all the reasons why, you actually have to make the switch

because they've shown you one. They've removed. I'm going to need to go hairless. I was going to say, because I have hair, you're not making any sense to me. Listeners, you got to go check it out it's very fascinating stuff um no so i'm taking i'm taking the 20k i'm not doing it that's a 20 this isn't 50 50 yeah if it look so it's a coin flip you go that direction i guess if it's one in three if it's a 33 chance i can get it right 33 chance to to go 10x your money. Yeah, I'm going to let it ride then, but at 20%, I'm not going to go.

This question is just, hey, do you gamble? I mean, the reality is I'm not a gambler. I've never enjoyed gambling, but I think it comes down to like, I don't know. Do you need the money? I want a pool. Okay. I can get a pool for 200,000 for years. I can get a pool for 20 grand, but it's not a good one.

Are you, are you making the pool? Nice above ground. Yeah. Very classy. You're taking the chance. I believe that I can guess his number. Yes. All right. No, no, no, no. Hold it on. Oh, let's I can guess his number, yes. All right.

No, no, no. Hold it on. Oh, let's do this. Let's do it. Let's do it. But you have to write it down. I've already established I'm not trusting you guys. We'll give you two chances.

Oh, I'm going to get both of your numbers without a doubt. I've got my number down. It's between one and five, right? Yeah. Who are you guessing first? I'm guessing Andy is one, Mike is three. Four. Three.

I have no money.'m ruined all right let's move on to uh would you rather would you rather all right this is a classic um a classic would you rather very important would you rather die by a zombie attack or a shark attack if you had to choose gross oh that one's easy for me that one's easy it's it's the shark you have to you have to take the shark attack why uh it's gonna be faster how do you know because i've you don't choose which part of the shark attack. Why? It's going to be faster. How do you know? You don't choose which part of the shark. No, but it has to be faster. It's got the chompers.

Yeah, if it's a shark attack, that means it's a big shark, and they are vicious. Bigger mouth, bigger teeth, sharper teeth. They're animals, right? So they instinctually know to go for a kill. You're not trying to, like, oh, I'm just going to gnaw on this guy's leg. Oh, I'm going up to the thigh. They go for absolute death blows. What if it's eaten alive by a stingray shark?

Here's the other stingray shark. Yeah, isn't that a shark? No. A stingray's not a shark? A stingray is, no, a stingray is a manta. Damn, man. You thought it was a shark? I'm going to shave my head, too.

Manta ray? I got to be smarter. but then with a zombie attack you turn into a zombie that's why you're getting eaten by zombies you're you're soulless curse your cursed body you're roaming the streets unless someone takes you out and i'm not turning into a zombie i'm with jaws is taking me out the world. Isn't that a legacy you want, though? I mean, you go on living, sort of. You're immortal, but I mean, that's the ethical question of zombies. Are you freeing their souls from their body? I don't know.

I think that there are. I mean, aren't there certain movies where there's levels of zombies? There's the general zombies that are above the. Yeah, those are. I mean, maybe you can move up the ranks. Those movies are ridiculous. When you start giving zombies brain power and they can play instruments.

Shark attack seems so terrifying, though. I was just at the beach, right? And the ocean is so intimidating. It's just so humongous. Yes. It's gigantic. The scary part of the ocean is... Do I know the shark's going to eat me

is the real question. Anticipation of knowing makes all the difference in the world. Wait, so instead of just killing you? Well, it's like... Don't waste my body. Use it for nutrition, shark. No, that's not what I mean. What are you talking about?

No, he's saying he knows he's going to die, but he used the word eaten. Do I know I'm going to be eaten? But I think his point is just, do I know or do I not know? Yeah. Is this a sudden shark attack or am I seeing him circle me for 10 minutes is my point. Because if I know, like I'd rather be suddenly eaten by a zombie than eaten by a shark after an hour of knowing that it's coming the anticipation of being in a giant ocean all alone and you know in you know a certain amount of time you're being circled by sharks in the anticipation but there's there you live in a world of anticipation the

zombies unless you happen to be patient number two well that's what i mean like if it was sudden though i'm like just walking down the street collecting my cans or whatever I do. Someone's eating my back. Excuse me, sir. That's my back. All right. They both stink. I'm going to go shark attack.

I'm going to choose both. Zombie sharks? A zombie shark because when I then am a shark, I you don't turn into a shark jason you just turn into a zombie version of yourself but i could still explore the ocean you don't l l cool j my head is like a shark's fin and transform all right if it's just like that i'm picking shark get this thing over with that's what this is easy. All right, here's a much more important would you rather that our listeners can help debate. Would you rather lose the ability to use GPS

for the rest of your life or lose the ability to use a debit or credit card for the rest of your life? Oh, man, we're going back to the 70s. I mean, really? When you had neither of those? There were no credit cards? Checkbooks and no gps yeah

checkbooks cash and a map it's just that made me laugh because there are we have listeners of this show that went holy crap the 70s that's like a thousand years ago i wasn't born in the 70s i know but it's really not that long ago yeah yeah it's it's a way i we're so dependent on both of these yes to get anywhere so i have no way i've never had to do a big long distance trip where i don't have gps to guide me i have never done like you take the wrong turn your parents did right you oh all the time trip with the parents yeah they had maps they. We brought maps. That generation, I'd go over to my grandparents' house for cards or something, the family get-togethers, and my grandfather and my dad and my uncles, they all sit around looking at maps.

I can't imagine. Well, because they're building their own GPS in their head. They're like, this trail goes here, and let's go up here and do this trail. They're downloading data. Yeah. head they're like this trail goes here and let's go up here and do this they're downloading data yeah i can't imagine smarter than we were everywhere we go you know having to pull out a map and know my exact destination before i get there like because so wait wait you realize then you're pulling out a wallet that's always full of cash yeah so. So here's the thing. One of these actually improves my life. And it's getting rid of the debit credit card. Oh, from a responsibility standpoint?

Oh, heck yeah. I have none. I have none. Mr. Gambler. It's so easy to just go swipety swipe. Does this casino take credit? Insert the chip. I mean, look, when I go to, from time to time.

Do you say swippity swipe when you buy that stuff? Every time. Oh, it's a swippity swipe one? Not to insert the clicker chip? Those are my options. Insert the clicker chip or swippity swipe. When my wife and I, every now and then, become responsible. It's happened before.

It's just occasional. Leap years. This is occasional. Leap years. It's just occasional. Leap years. Birthday months. Things like that. Wait, wait. You become responsible during your birthday month?

Actually, no. When I said that, I was like, that's probably our most irresponsible time. That's the worst time. We go on a cash budget. We literally take our cards and we lock them in our safe and we say,

I can only spend what I have. And it is so much better for me. I know the difference between having debit credit cards. Oh, my goodness. And I'm not talking credit. I'm not talking like putting things on a credit line. I'm just saying one of them doesn't exist to me. Like infinite swipes of a you know of a piece of plastic and one is like i'm giving you my my thing and now it's your thing and it's gone from me know what i really like

amazon good luck without using amazon yeah you can't oh no that was it's too late for you dummy was a little unnecessary at the end of that sentence. I don't know that it was. I didn't think about that. Online shopping, gone. What? What? I mean, technically, you could use cash to buy those Visa cards, right, and load them up? No, I can't have a debit or credit card. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. Oh, I have to. So online shopping. So you're telling me I'm pulling out a map. That's what you're saying. Yeah. Because I cannot go without. Oh, my gosh.

Good luck buying a couch. Wait, I could do auto bill pay uh yeah i guess you can ach because you know how to write a check i learned in seventh grade it's been a long time that remember they taught you that i had a class of of writing a check yeah i remember that what a waste of time and you'd be in line at the grocery store, and everybody would write checks for their stuff. What a world we live in. We live in a very nice... Where are you on this, Andy?

Are you taking the maps, or are you taking the credit cards? No, I'm taking the credit cards, and I'm going to throw the map away. I mean, I'm throwing GPS away. I'll figure my way out. Yeah. I'm not losing my cell phone. I can call someone. Come pick me up.

I can get around my hometown yeah i just not travel uh what if you also what if this question was also you can't have maps like you you literally can only go where you know in your head you can't look it up online you can't it's just you you have you have no maps because map quest was before gps you'd go and you'd look it up and print it out. So you can't even do that. Yeah, I think that's better to take that out of the equation. But you're saying that maps have just evaporated from existence.

So now you're saying, hey, local guy, where do I go? How do I get to the ocean? Exactly. I'm going to a stand-up this Saturday, and I don't know how to get there. And I know it's just fine. You take the 8 down to the 5, and you turn left, and you take a right, and you take a left after this thing. You could write things down, Jason.

Better not forget. What if you had no- I still choose Amazon. I mean, let's be honest. Mike, where do you sit? Yeah, I'm taking the credit cards. Would you rather be constantly itchy or constantly sticky oh both of those are terrible that's that is um not good i feel like so the word what's the itchiest you've ever felt

genuinely wow can you think of what's made you the most itchy yeah i've been on like medication before that like made you itchy and then it's like oh it made you itchy, and then it's like... Oh, it made you itchy. I thought you were a medication for your itch. And I wasn't sure you wanted to share that story. Jason, do we need to edit this out? So you've had an allergic reaction that's made you itchy. Yeah, and man, that's no good. Scratchy, too? Yeah, that's the Itchy and Scratchy Show.

Yes, very well done. I think the itchiest I've ever been is from extreme sunburn. Really? Y'all like peeling skin? Yeah. Oh, goodness. That sucks. You ever had a major mosquito attack and you've been bitten up?

And then what's the stickiest you've ever been? Here's the problem. You ever dipped in some honey? I feel like I'm always... Watch your words. On workout... Oh, okie dokie. On workout days, I feel like I've got like a three hour of stickiness.

Why? You have honey for sweat? Jason, do you drink syrup? I'm not saying I sweat syrup, but I'm sitting in this leather chair. Are you getting sticky? Sticky? Yeah, you can stick to it a little bit. You've never stuck to a leather couch?

When I have no shirt on. I usually am in my boxers. Great point. Yeah, I guess that's fair. So what's worse? Being itchy is worse. It what's worse? Being itchy. I think itchy is worse. Itchy is worse.

Really? Because you could function. I thought it was going to be a home run. I thought all three of us were absolutely going to say you can't be sticky. No, because you can function as a sticky person. You can't function as an itchy person. I can go to the store as a sticky person and buy my groceries and not be uncomfortable in the actual like movement

as much but if i'm itchy you gotta scratch what are you gonna do i i can't fathom actually being sticky sticky i mean what how do you how do you how do you live how do you ignore an itch i mean your mental toughness that's fine i'm scratching i'm not ignoring i'm oh then you're bloodied you're covered in blood and cuts i have a little self-control i'm not ignoring. I'm scratching. Oh, then you're bloodied. You're covered in blood and cuts. I have a little self-control. I'm not using a knife. That's not true. You got to use the fingertips. Yes, exactly.

I also find slapping itches very nice. You ever had an allergy test before where they put all those little dots on you? Yes. Those demon doctors? And they don't let you scratch them. I remember to this day, I was a kid, and they would give my dad a magazine, and he could fan my itchy back with a magazine because you couldn't touch it. If you're not familiar with an allergy test, so you go in.

Usually they do it to children. You lay down on your stomach, your back is exposed, and they put 40 or so different liquids on your back. Then they proceed to go through and puncture a hole in all of those spots. And they say, yeah, you're probably going to be allergic to a lot of these things. And they go directly into your body. And you can't touch them. And then they look at all the bumps and decide which ones are worse.

It's a form of torture that should not be allowed in the United States of America. Isn't it okay, though, because you're only doing it to inferior people who have allergies? Yeah. Boom! Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. That's a great question.

The sticky man says that we're inferior. Oh, I'm not sticky. I'm itchy. Aren't you guys sticky all the time? Because I'm a hugger, and I ain't hugging. If I'm sticky, who's going to hug me? Nobody. Yeah.

I ain't hugging you if you're itchy. Tell you that. You don't know if I'm itchy. Oh, I'll know. I'm going to be like a cat rubbing up against a post. Oh, when I'm itchy, I really need those hugs. Just a real tight squeeze and a shake while the hug is there. He's got his own scratching tree in was on scratching tree oh that'd be awesome

jason's in the backyard like a bear you could wear like sandpaper clothing on the inside of my wife so then you're just getting scratched i'm pretty sure there you're bleeding yeah you think that's not good all right here's a great question if you had to learn any one skill in the world without trying, so we're talking Matrix style, which has always been the dream, right? Ever since you see that movie. What would you pick? Like you could just instantly know Taekwondo to the maximum. You could instantly know any skill, any ability.

You could be an architect overnight. You could learn any professional trade, right? You could probably learn languages. Chess. How to fly an airplane. I don't think anyone's picking chess. Except for Bobby. Does this make you an expert?

I mean, if you're learning, am I? Yes. You've downloaded all knowledge on that topic instantaneously are you looking for ones that benefit you financially right now is that the main i already know i mean there's an objective there is no doubt in the world and this is a genuine like it's something i've wanted to learn forever and a couple times i've thought about learning i've purchased books and then go, I ain't doing this. Cooking?

This is impossible. Cooking? No. That sounds delicious, though. Yeah, that would be the gift that keeps on giving. If you learn to be a cook, you could eat food forever. It's programming. Computer programming.

Oh, nice. I mean, I would be a wizard. Andy, we've run businesses for a long time, dating back to when all three of us were running a video game company. And now we've got the fantasy football thing forever. I mean, you're a great web designer. I'm jealous of that. But those people that can actually make things happen on the internet. You're a fan. What about a stockbroker?

Download everything there is. That'd be fun. I like predictive things. Mike, what do you think? If you can combine that with the hairlessness. What about the greatest surfer? You want to be a surfer, Jay? I do not want to be a surfer.

All this shark talk. i'm out of the water those videos of people riding the giant waves are incredible i'd love to be a great golfer that'd be fun oh oh goodness that's a good one that's a good call people always want to golf and i don't because i suck right and you could up your finance game if you're a good golfer i feel like if i was a good programmer and i could build websites and have them do things, I would build the wackiest. I would just, my pranks life would be better. I could build, you know, buy a URL that makes fun of someone and make it do something cool.

I would just love to be a quality programmer. When I was like in freshman year of high school i got in programming classes and i was good at it and then i never continued and i missed so maybe you could download some like a follow-through or something like that like become a like the most skilled person that like finishes what he starts i don't think that's a knowledge that's learnable but if that was a skill it would improve my life more than anything i'm gonna prepare for the future yeah and i'm talking it could i don't know when but maybe 50 years of the impending invasion i'm going to become a master of robotics i'm going to befriend artificial intelligence so that when they do in fact you're going to be the first traitor no no a traitor sure i guess if you want

if you want to call me benedict that's fine but you're going to join them me and the robots are going to be hanging out literally the last thing on Earth that I would think someone would choose as a skill is the skill to befriend robots. Well, it's a master of robotics. Yeah, once the AI, the singularity happens, it takes over, I'm cool. You sound like a psychopath. Hey, you know what? Together, we're pretty good.

My programming skills and your robotic skills. The guy who's calling me a psychopath is done. Robots have killed you. He's first gone. T-1000 is already eliminated. Yeah. Oh, we are taking this thing over. I'm joining you.

Okay. Join the revolution. Join the revolution. Yes. We will survive at least long enough to beat just the last two left before. Before they turn us into batteries. Yeah. I've seen the Matrix.

I know what's coming. It's been a very Matrix-y episode. Before they turn us into batteries. Yeah. I've seen the Matrix. I know what's coming. It's been a very Matrix-y episode. Before they turn us into batteries. What are you learning? I'm moving on. If Jurassic Park were real, would you visit it? Oh, heck yeah. Heck yeah.

What? People say no to this? Everybody that's ever visited Jurassic Park has. Not everyone. And survived has lived to regret that decision. And not a lot of them have survived. Maybe. Historically speaking.

Maybe they regret going. I don't think Ian Malcolm was happy with his decision to attend after he was nearly eaten by a tornado. He didn't want to go in the first place. Amended question. Would you go to Jurassic Park? A real one. Okay, you're one of many people. If you knew, like genuinely, you go there, but you know that that day,

all the security fails, all the gates open, dinosaurs are loose. No, I'm not going. No. I feel like I still go. I still think I would. Just to see a dinosaur? I think it's worth it because, look, there's going to be thousands of people there.

There's so much meat. I don't have to be the one that goes. Did you just say there's so much meat? Yeah. For the dinosaurs. Because they're for the dinosaurs. I thought he meant he wants to eat the dinosaurs. He's on Team Dinosaur now.

He's with the robots and the dinosaurs. I thought he was looking at it as an opportunity to go hunt, kill, and eat dinosaurs. That's what I'm saying. Heck yeah, man. Because of all the different meat styles. The big game hunter? Yeah. Brontosaurus.

I've never hunted a thing in my life, but you know where I'm going to start? Dinosaurs. But you're saying that you just think it's a battle of the numbers. Someone else is going to get eaten. Everyone thinks that someone else is going to get eaten. It won't be them. Until you're eaten. Eaten by a shark or eaten by a dinosaur?

If I knew... Dinosaur, heck yeah. I've seen a shark before. I've seen one. And if I've got to get eaten alive by a vicious killer animal, I want to see a dinosaur do it. I don't know. Is this wrong of me?

You want to see the dinosaur eat you, is what you just said. Up close and personal. Could you start with my legs, please? The people in Jurassic World who got lifted and taken away by the pterodactyls or pterosaurs, they looked like they were having a really bad day. That's a bad way. That is not the way I want to go. I would be holding on tight.

Yes. I'm afraid of heights. That sounds terrible. So you think you're going no matter what? Heights is not the problem. It's where they're taking you to. Wait. They're not just going to drop you.

Well, they definitely dropped some of them. They did. Right. Well, by accident. The shaky ones. But their goal is to peck you to death. Oh, man. Like a giant bird.

No, they want to feed you to their young. That too. What if I can do both and get eaten by the megalodon? Oh, like a dinosaur shark. Then it's a Jonas situation. Maybe I live. Yeah, maybe you're in the tummy. Yeah.

If the creature's big enough, you could just be swallowed up. That's what we're talking about. Yeah. Build a raft. Build the raft, and you start a fire, and you're good. And you get out. Getting back to the real question. The real truth.

I genuinely think if I could go solo, I'm not going to bring my family. But if I could go solo to I'm not going to bring my family, but if I could go solo to a for real Jurassic Park. Not going to let your kids see dinosaurs, you selfish man. I don't want to have to throw them in front of me as I run away. I don't want to be put in that

situation, so I'm going to protect them by not letting them see these dinosaurs have an appetizer um well this is kind of like this is your one shot let's say it's you can go see a dinosaur or you never get to see one again it's kind of like space right let's say you had a shot at going to space seeing space but you know you pass that, and there's a risk, right? Yeah, I think space is a good comparison because everyone knows there's an inherent risk. Yeah.

It's probably safe. It's mostly safe to go, but there have been people who have lost their lives to go to space. 90% chance somebody else gets eaten. 90% chance you don't blow up in space 90 you say yeah i like those odds that's pretty good pretty good odds you know what i'm just now remembering have either of you been to barizona yes now don't you explain what that is yeah so yes i have for anyone that very similar to jurassic park yes it is but um but bears at barizona is one of those drive-through wildlife zoos where you're you stay in your car your vehicle and you you get you enter through the jurassic park gates

and you drive through this path and and you're just with a bunch of bears i'm talking big old grizzly bears they can come up to your car. They can walk right up to it. And we did this as a family, and there was one moment where a bear ran. Ran like, do they gallop? What does a bear, when they're on all fours and they're going fast, what do you call that? If they were coming towards you, I would call that a charge. Oh, they were charging.

And they weren't charging at. They were coming towards me, but also not directly towards my vehicle. It was kind of an angled path. But seeing that beast do what it can do. I'm in my car, and it was the scariest i was like there's so much more superior to us i mean it was a true freak out moment where it was like we that's when he got out of the car and started running yes and started waving the uh flare throwing my children in front of me take him um You know that

happened. Maybe I shouldn't share that story. But there was a wildlife park over in Asia somewhere where you drive through it and there are lions and tigers. And someone put the windows down? Someone got out

and went. What are you doing, man? And it didn't end well. I'll put it that way oh no oh hanging out with apex predators it's not a good idea but we'll do it if we're in our car though and jason's like i will still go to drastic park we're surrounded we're yeah remembering that terrifying event i think i'm still going all last question here. If you had to be stuck in a TV show for one month, what show would you pick and what character would you be? Oh, we get to pick the character too? Yeah, so you're stuck in a show for a month.

You know what's funny? The utopia of children's television is always attractive to me to live in that world. Are you talking the calm ones? Are you talking like the Yo Gabba GabbaA-Gab of living in that world? No, no, no. I mean like literally like it might as well be what's the Paw Patrol? Like that utopian world of just everybody's happy. They just go to work.

The day goes by. No bad weather. The episode where Caillou came up, I was going to bring up Paw Patrol because Paw Patrol makes me want to just take a spoon to my eye. What? You hate that show? My son loves Paw Patrol.

It is the worst. Be there on the double. Man, would you go in a cartoon? Live a cartoon life? You gotta. Really? I mean, how do you not? You don't want to live in Game of Thrones?

No. I'm not making it to the month. Live is the key word there there that's a hard one to survive man uh so i i kind of have my there are lots of fantasy tv shows star trek people would want to live in star trek and be picard for a month that's a really good answer a month of picard b jean-luc heck yeah i would rather be Kirk, though. Really? Yeah. Kirk was still in his prime. He's cruising around.

He's getting the ladies, the alien ladies. He's living a good life. He's Captain Kirk, and Picard is like your grandpa. Yeah. No, you're right. We respect him. Oh, I love Gramps. Gramps Picard was a great man, but he didn't punch other alien monsters in the face. Yeah, slowly.

Yes, very slowly. I mean, that universe is a great one. That's a really good one. Man, so I know what my real answer is. Oh, no. But I don't want to. No, it's just too. It's too dark. No, it's just too. It's too dark.

No, it's not dark at all. I'm going to be Tony Soprano. What's Walter White's? Oh, Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad. Eisenberg? No. Is that right?

It's Walter White. Yeah. No. No, it's far more selfish. Far more selfish than that. I i'm so why did we bring up breaking bad oh because you were saying is it dark oh no i'm not going to be the uh you're not gonna be heisenberg right i'm not gonna be the lead on uh you know making a murderer um that's real life yes well that's the thing i'm transitioning to real life. The place that I would want to spend a month was my dream growing up.

It really was. I worked towards it for a while. There was a minute where I thought it might happen. I would choose Saturday Night Live, baby. You would spend a month there? I would be the host for a month. No, you have to be a character. That's the character, the host.

That's fair. Yeah, because if I'm a character, then I only get to maybe be... You're a target lady. Oh, don't you put that evil on me. My wife does target lady. It's the most annoying thing in the world. Hi, everybody. Oh, did you get that on target?

Oh, that's so good. I can't even do it. His skin is crawling. Do you have one, Mike? All I can think of is Teen Titans. It's just such a magical place to live. Oh, you can go Power Rangers. You can live that life. You know you're never dying as a Power Ranger. That's true.

Or a Ninja Turtle. You could be one of the Turtles. Just think about the pizza. You're living in a sewer. Yeah, but Jason's going to choose DuckTales and he's going to be, what is it, DuckTales? And he's going to be Scrooge diving into his money bank.

Has there ever been an animated food that looks more delicious than the pizza that they depict in the Ninja Turtles? No, because it's always dripping with cheese, but it stays on there. It's insane. Every bite is perfect. It was just a giant. I will be the pizza from Ninja Turtles. Just eat myself?

Yes. Pizza the Hut! Would you want to be in Mad Men? That, you know, go back. I never watched Mad Men. Well, that'll make you

not want to do it so much. And no, they're always depressed. Yeah. What? I never watched it. Do you want to be in M.A.S.H be in mash jason no no no triage for me andy you don't want to be right i don't want to be in the korean war no because i don't want to

be bored out of my mind oh the humor is too witty for you the humor is too old-fashioned i don't any final thoughts thoughts? What did you pick? Yeah, I didn't think Andy picked anything. I'm leaning Teen Titans and I'd probably be Beast Boy from Teen Titans. He just seems like he's always happy and he can turn into Andy.

What is that show? Teen Titans? It's a kid show? Yeah, but it's the group of superheroes of Robin, Cyborg, who's in there, Raven, Starfire, and Beast Boy. Just put me in Transformers. I'll be a car. A car or something that can actually transform? He's just a regular car in Transformers.

He wants to be jealous of all these things. I'm the Camaro in the universe. I'm not actually. Wait, wait, wait. Ah, crap. Oh, wait a minute. Uh-oh. Oh, I changed my answer. jealous of all these I'm the Camaro in the in the universe I'm not actually what you just go oh crap oh wait a minute oh oh I changed my answer okay because while it would be awesome to host Saturday Night Live still holding out hope that that can happen so I got life ahead of me but I'm being Superman are you kidding me if I can go to Smallville or, wait, is it Smallville? Yeah.

Or any of the Superman series and actually I get to fly. I get to fight monsters. I'm indestructible. Heck yeah. That's my go-to. No House of Cards ambitions anywhere? No. What'd you learn on today's episode?

I learned that I cannot I learned very little. I learned that I cannot guess numbers as well as I thought. I learned Jason's got a gambling problem. Yeah, I did too. Goodbye, everybody. See ya! Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.