Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 190: Smug Butterflies & The Catchiest Songs - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 11, 2022

Today we talk about drinking saltwater, getting beat up by a kid, and sucking dirt out of your carpet. Pretty normal things. We also share some wild news headlines before closing it down with a draft of the catchiest songs. Good luck not getting something stuck in your head for the rest of the day! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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members FDIC. Early access to direct deposit funds depends on payer. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Okay. It was whispery. I didn't mind it. I feel like you chickened out of what you

really wanted to do. So here's what I wanted to do. Okay. What I wanted to... Take two. Okay. Action. I can't do it.

I just found out I can't do... So here... Welcome in, Spitwatch. Five, six, seven, eight. Here we go. We are drafting today the catchiest songs. Okay, spoiler. There is one song that I have not been able to get out of my head all day.

And while I was thinking about doing this scat, I couldn't remember the spitballers music. I was like, I'm just going to end up doing this song. But then once the music was going, the song disappeared. I'm not a music man like you, Mike. I can't have two different melodies in my head at once. You can't handle a mashup. No, I can handle a music man like you, Mike. I can't have two different melodies in my head at once. You can't handle a mashup. No.

No, I can handle a mashed potatoes just fine. But music mashup, not my bag. That wasn't too bad. I liked it. Welcome into the Spitballers. We have Would You Rather, Is This Real Life? And we're drafting the catchiest songs, as Jason said. Which, I mean, the truth is you could go 50 rounds each. So there's just so many songs and so much source material.

So this is in more interest. You know, sometimes we do drafts and we're like, oh, man, can we make it four rounds on this draft? This isn't one of those. And it's very interesting. And it's a little subjective. Yeah, a lot of that and like what is as you know what is catchy to you is catchy lyrics is like or is it melody you know there's a lot of things that weigh into it yeah is there nostalgia in that there were

a couple like i was looking up lists of you know catchy, and every now and then I would see the title of a song, and I'd go, I don't know that. But if you play it, you're like, oh, well, of course. Now that's in my head forever. You can follow the show on Twitter at SpitballersPod, SpitballersPod.com, if you want to support this incredible effort that we all make on a regular basis.

Do you know how long I looked through these lists of catchy songs? Minutes. So many minutes. Guys, if you want to support what we're doing here, join the spit. If you want to support Al Borland, this is the way to do it. Jointhespit.com. Would you rather time. is the way to do it. Join the spit.com. Uh, would you rather time?

Would you rather William from the website? Would you rather water always taste salty moving forward or have it taste the same as it does now, but it contains 200 calories per 12 ounces. Either way, you still need to consume the same amount you do to sustain life and health. Great news. So to clarify here, the salty tasting water is not going to destroy us. Like, you can't just drink ocean water and survive. In fact, the number one tip of being stranded in the ocean is don't drink the water. Right.

Because you're done. It tastes salty moving forward, but it sustains you. All right. Got it. Now, the other one, you know, you have to drink a decent amount of water. What do they say? Is the eight glasses a day still what the doctors want you to drink? Oh, don't listen to big water.

Yeah, there's a big difference between what you're told you're supposed to drink and what you're able to get away with. Because I can tell you, I think there's been a year in my life where I've gone without water. I mean, I... You don't make a commitment to stay hydrated. I do right now. Like, right now I'm in one of those phases where I'm trying to drink like a gallon of water a day and be hydrated and healthy, all that stupid stuff.

But there have been times in my life where I genuinely don't remember like ever drinking water. How many ounces is a gallon? 64? Maybe. I'll tell you. I'm just curious because that's like if it's eight ounces of glass times eight glasses a day, that'd be one gallon. Our whole system of like is ridiculous. Okay, so it's two gallons.

Even though you just said, I'm trying to drink a gallon a day, that's half what you need. No. Yeah. Oh, no, wait. You said a gallon is 128. Double what you need. Sorry. Which is good because I usually go about half of the gallon.

Now, if you drink... You said it's 128? Correct. Okay, and divide that by 12. 128 divided by 12 is what? Well, just mental math would be 10.6. Perfect. Now, multiply that times

200, which would be about... I mean... Mental math would be like 2 like 2133 and then like a repeating that's your calorie intake on water if you choose the non-salty a day a day 2000 extra calories how's that going to work out for you i ain't drinking those calories i like food too much what that's not like this has become the easiest question of all time. Because I know I can get away with drinking no water. I've done it.

Proven. I'll get my water via... Now, that's a loophole. Okay. Well, no, it's not. No, it's not a loophole. That's what I wanted to clarify. Beverages that are...

Well, anything of other beverages. Because they all have water yeah they don't get tainted by the salty water right this is just plain water then you're just loophole like coca cola is not going to taste like unbearably salty well then then this question is easy yeah and it's not a good question because the the point is is not that oh i can just get some seltzer water instead of regular water and be fine the point is which can just get some seltzer water instead of regular water and be fine. The point is, which would be... No, no, seltzer water will be salty because that's still plain water.

What if I put some lemon in it, Mike? Where's the line here? Lemon, syrup. Salty lemon. Syrup is the line. Sugar. Sugar is the line. So the little beverages that have got the five-calorie sugar, those are fine without salt?

See how stupid it is to draw that line? Man, Al, what a bad question. Is he even here? Yeah, he walked out of the room. I thought this was great news because what if I told you that there is a delicious beverage at 12 fluid ounces that has only 140 calories? Coca-Cola? Coca-Cola classic, baby.

You know, we drafted a little while back. Delicious. We drafted myths, common myths. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That you thought were true. Ostriches don't actually stick their head in the ground, and people think they do. One of the myths that I found out while researching that was you always hear that soda is dehydrating because it's got caffeine in it. Right.

It's actually not true at all. The amount of water versus the amount of caffeine, it is a hydrating drink. Not like it's hydrating like water, but it does not dehydrate you. Same with coffee. Coffee does not dehydrate you. Right. It's mostly water. That's a myth.

We should also draft moths at some point. Ooh. Like favorite moths. Yeah. I would like to. Seems compelling. Big ones. I don't know. Can you name a type of moth?

That's an excellent question. Can you name a type of moth? Favorite type of moth. Go. Laundry moths. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Laundry moths. Oh, yeah.

They love laundry. You can find them in laundry. Oh yeah, they love laundry. You can find them in laundry. While you were gone, Al, these guys were trying to take the easy answer of just saying that they don't need to drink any regular water, therefore the salt water thing is not a big deal because you

can survive on other beverages. Yeah, like if we drink Coca-Cola, would that be super salty because it's got a water base? Because the water's in it and the water's salty. Go back out of the room. Also, butterflies are moths, so I'm going to take them as my favorite. Oh, yeah. What's your favorite? Oh, name a butterfly. No, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no. Butterflies are not moths. Butterflies are definitely not moths. No. Pretty sure they are. No, no, no, no. In fact, the way you tell... Pretty sure. He said it with authority and you didn't even look it up. The way you can tell the difference between a butterfly and a moth is a butterfly, when they land, their wings go up.

And they're awesome. A moth, when it lands, wings go down. What do you get if you Google, is a butterfly a moth? It says absolutely not. You're stupid. It says butterflies and skippers are groups of specialized moths. Specialized moths. Thank you very much.

And crocodiles are specialized alligators. What are you? Hold on. We are not leaving this. You're telling me a butterfly is a moth? I believe so. Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

I'm not an expert. It's interesting that this entire search result is all of the differences between them. Yeah. Eight differences between butterflies and moths. I want to know scientifically speaking here. Butterflies do rest with their wings closed while moths rest with their wings open. Butterflies have long, thin antenna while moths have short, fat. So other than the fact that they're different, they're the same.

Look, they both have wings. Why do you call them different things? Butterflies are not out there eating my laundry. Look, to be clear, moths are disgusting. Butterflies are cool. Oh, moths are terrifying. Moths and butterflies belong to the same insect family. Oh, cool.

We're going high-level insect? Well, I'm just saying. Okay, yeah, we're all the same exact. We would call them all moths if they were all moths. We're all stardust. We're all the same. Get out of here. They were all moths.

We're all stardust. We're all the same. Get out of here. First of all, what if you found out that moths were really kind and sweet creatures, like their personalities, but butterflies were really mean? Oh, because they're so pretty? Because they're so pretty. They're like really hoity-toity, haughty butterflies. I guarantee that's true.

It would make complete sense. Like the monarchs are kind of the worst. Oh, yeah. They're the worst of the worst. Because they don't want to deal with you. They're so much better than you. They're like the Kardashians of that family of insects. Their luggage is outstandingly beautiful.

Moths would be so kind. No, it's true. Like rich people have beautiful luggage. I was hoping he meant luggage. Yeah, no, I 100% meant luggage. 100% of ugly people are very kind. So I think moths would be just delightful. Owl's pretty kind.

No, I wouldn't say very kind. Oh, that's a good point. I didn't think about... I mean, that's a small sample size, but owl isn't always... Is he a moth? He is a moth. He's a moth. He's a moth man?

It's me. Owl. Don't call me a moth. I'm an owl. Oh, I love you, Jeremy. Oh, my gosh. Man, it must suck to be on this show, but not on the show. Just berated.

Amuse. The people love you, though. It's not the worst way to make a living. Yeah. People love butterflies, too, but they're jerks well that's what we think i'm pretty confident because they're gorgeous it's all about the luggage um yeah can we move to the next question wait what was the question that was the salt water one i'll take the low calorie version yeah you have to drink salt water now give me the ocean have you have any of you ever had to do a colonoscopy?

I have done a colonic. Okay, did you have to clear your system before that? No, the colonic, in fact, clears the system. So when you get a colonoscopy, you have to drink a very disgusting kind of salty substance by the gallon to clear yourself out. By the gallon? As in more than gallons?

I mean, just like two very low. I don't know what the ounces are, but it's a lot. And you have to get through it all to clear yourself properly. And it's just really, really, really hard to drink something that's salty. And then it wrecks you, right? Yeah. Because you're evacuating. Yeah.

It goes in to clear out. It goes in to come out. It's a real Arby's situation. Yeah. All right. But I just don't know if I could do that. But the 2,000 calories, I mean, you just live on water then. Yes.

Yeah. Your calorie intake is going way up and look what is salty coke even going to be good yes you know how much sodium is probably already in coke not that much i'm on it it's a look i'm pretty sure when you buy a coca-cola it says like this is a low sodium product doubtful uh you're thinking of gatorade yeah 75 milligrams are there any salty beverages yeah gatorade that crap is super salty yeah and it gets masked by the sugar right right i mean because it needs to give it hydrates you don't hear what i'm not saying i love gatorade yeah but it's very salty no it is and if you've ever had like pedialyte and stuff that doesn't sugar it up it gets real salty yep all right also ocean water oh but have you ever had like Pedialyte and stuff that doesn't sugar it up, it gets real salty. Yep. All right. Also, ocean water.

Ooh. But have you ever had it fresh? It's delicious. I have. Don't drink the ocean, kids. All right. Randolph from the website. Would you rather publicly lose in a fight to a fifth grader?

Impossible. Or an 80-year-old? Definitely an 80-year-old. I got to let the youth know, man i i can beat you up like i'm not losing a fight to a fifth to you don't care if an 80 year old beats you up no because that's respecting my elders if an 80 year old beats me up i would like to believe it's because like i'm not gonna jiu-jitsu master i'm not gonna well sure a jiu-jitsu master i mean wisdom he would beat you up is, wisdom is power.

Knowledge is power. So, I mean, I probably will lose. Your bone's not breaking his power, too. Yeah. Well, yeah, I hope he doesn't break his hip while fighting me. But at the same time, like a fifth grader... Look, I remember there was a fifth grader at our school that had outpaced the rest of the class. Were you also a fifth grader at this time?

Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm just saying that this question... Well, I Were you also a fifth grader at this time? Yeah. Okay, well, I'm just saying that this question... Well, I'm just saying a fifth grader can get big. That's all I'm saying. Sure. There could be one that could maybe... One of these fights sends you immediately to jail. Which one?

The kid, right? Yeah. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Look, go out there and fight a fifth grader and see what the repercussions are. Win or lose. It's about embarrassment, though. The question is, which is more embarrassing?

It's a public loss to this. Obviously, it's been sanctioned. But you get beat up by a fifth grader. You're not going to jail if a fifth grader beats you up. Really? Yes, you are. You're going to jail. No, not if you don't fight. If a fifth grader starts the fight, you're not going to jail if a fifth grader beats you up. Really? Yes, you are. You're going to jail. No, no, not if you don't fight.

If a fifth grader starts to fight, you're not going to jail. He's smacking you with a shovel and you're doing nothing. You can defend yourself. Yes, you can. I promise you, a fifth grader comes up to you hitting you and you punch him in the face. No, you're fine. If it's on video, as a fifth grader comes up and socks you or tries to stab you, Mike, are you defending yourself if he tries to stab you?

If he's got a weapon. A stab is not a fight. Oh, so you can beat up a fifth grader with a pocket knife? Wait, it's a knife what? That's a knife fight. What if you don't have a knife and he does? You're not going to use your fists? Jeremy, please get in here.

If you have a fifth grader attacking you, you don't want me to get in on this one. You guys are insane. I'm not advocating here. If a kid is threatening your life, you can punch them. But yes, if it's... The question is a fight. You guys are taking a completely different argument.

If you get in a regular fist fight with a fifth grader that they start and you punch them, you're going to jail. No, you're not. Absolutely not. I would agree. You're going to jail. If a kid walked up to you and it's on video and he punches you in the face and you punch him back, you're not going to jail. You're going to jail or you're giving that family a bunch of

money. You're probably giving that family a bunch of money. It's just literally a sliding scale. Because if that kid comes up and punches you. He breaks your nose. And what do you have to do? Take another punch? And he pushes you.

And you push him away and he punches you. And you push him away and he punches you. You're going to sock that kid and you're going to be fine. And that kid's going to go to juvie. No, they're not. There is a sliding scale here. Kids cannot just punch anybody they want and not get in trouble. You're not going to juvie for that.

Let's flip this question around. Who would you be more embarrassed to- You're not going to juvie for that. Who would you be more embarrassed- You're a kid. You walk up to a movie theater, and you go inside, and you punch one of the people in the face. You're not going to jail?

Correct. Not for just a one-off. No, definitely not. Definitely not. Well, unless they press charges. Yeah. If you press charges against a fifth grader, they get in trouble. That's what juvie's for. Yeah.

Otherwise, it would just be your room. Go to your room. Yeah, I mean, it doesn't matter how powerful are they. There's some kids that could not do anything to get them in trouble. Does it change to you if a fifth grader walked in and punched your wife in the nose and broke her nose? I'm not punching the kid. You wouldn't defend your wife?

You can defend somebody without punching them in the face. That's true. Bear hug? I'm really good at a bear hug. I'm just saying some fifth graders are bigger than you think. I mean, that's where this started. That's where it's going to finish. Well, so I was curious.

They can be big. They can be big. Who are you more embarrassed to publicly lose to in a fight? I would be more embarrassed to lose to a fifth grader. To a man-sized fifth grader. To a man-sized fifth grader or an old man. I'll bet you anything there are 80 year olds alive right now that could beat me up yeah 100 yeah thank you thank you for agreeing so quickly and to be clear you right

i'm not talking about me i'm talking about you yeah absolutely no i hear what you're saying um so i i choose i would i would be more embarrassed with a fifth grader. But I'm curious, who would you be more embarrassed to win? We would win in these fights. Which one's more embarrassing? The story of like, okay, yeah, I beat up an 80-year-old or I beat up a fifth grader. They're both pretty embarrassing. You don't want this fight.

You don't want to win this fight. I think it's the fifth grader. I think it's probably the fifth grader because i think people understand some 80 year olds they get real they yeah they get real grumpy crotchety yeah get off my lawn yeah this is sir this is my this is my house um but but al what was your opinion on the whole matter? I'm curious what Jason's line is. If it's not a fifth grader, what about a seventh grader? Oh, like where could...

Where would you rather lose in a fight on the young end? Now, a seventh grader... Some seventh graders can have a mustache, like a full mustache. Yes, I've seen them i that's what it can't yeah big pit hair mustache seventh grade seventh grade we had a we had a fourth grader like that with a full with pit hair and a mustache not a joke what yeah milk well they were held back like six years they might have been i mean they were 14 but they were in the fourth grade. Yeah, I think once you get to seventh grade, that's where... Junior high, that's where it's real.

Junior high is where, like, I'm just going to act tough and back away because I don't want to lose. How old do you have to be when you punch somebody in the face, you go to jail? Google doesn't have the answer? I think it's really, truly, like, I know this sounds so stupid, but I think it's really truly like i know this sounds so stupid i think it's really truly a matter of power that like power as in power in the punch power in the punch okay absolutely like you could if you're younger not like political power right

no but like if you can my dad's the mayor i'm not ever going to jail um if if you can hurt someone then there are repercussions for it I don't care how old you are you could be an eighth grader and if you can't hurt me with a hundred punches you're never getting in trouble for it yeah yeah I think if a kid clocked a woman on the street and did damage the police are getting involved in that situation this is damage based obviously if you're just like ah what was that like that you're not going to jail is that a moth or a butterfly

right which is a line probably a butterfly probably a butterfly that is the line I go to when my children try to do any damage to me is oh is that a fly oh yeah is that a moth to, yeah. Is that a butterfly? To bother them? Yeah.

Manny from Patreon, would you rather have to vacuum your house with your mouth Oh, my God. What? or wash your windshield with your tongue? That's a good question. So this is the question. Manny from Patreon is writing and asking, what's dirtier, your windshield or your home?

They're both terrible. I agree, but what's nastier? So your windshield. Bugs. Well, bugs. There's definitely bugs. Poop. Yeah, there's bugs in your rug.

The bird poop is... I didn't think about bird poop. Bird poop is the true separator between these two. Now, I mean, there's stuff in your carpet that's... Carpet is so gross. Carpet is nasty. Why do we have carpet? It is disgusting.

The three of us have grown up. We have replaced most of the carpet in our homes. I still have carpet in my upstairs. Oh, man. It's actually interesting that you say that because this is a this is a discussion between my wife and i a lot of the times oh it's so gross and she takes that opinion that it's just so dirty yes and i have always had the opinion that while i am totally fine not having carpet in a lot of living areas there's still something awesome about carpet because it's soft

it's soft it feels it look it feels you can lay on the ground and and wrestle your kids like we you could but according to most estimates carpets are four thousand times dirtier than toilet bowls wait that's right the surface you walk on every day is grosser than the place where you do your business in the bathroom so carpet installers should go to june carpets yes carpets are disgusting and they are soft they are plush and they're great day one you know what i mean like right if you want to put new carpet in every couple of days then have at it so wait is that's just carpet in general whether you vacuum it or not oh yeah it's disgusting what kind of damage can that disgusting do to you like something dirty like pillows i think pillows in general right they get a little bit ignored on the old cleaner scale right

the kit the dogs might jump up on them that you use them for years yeah i'm not talking about bed pillows i'm talking about couch pillows i Oh, I was thinking bed pillows because bed pillows. I wash my pillow case. Sure, but how often? Same as the sheets. Okay, so how often do you wash your entire bed? Every couple weeks. Okay, so you're going two weeks.

And I'm thinking about my kids. Yeah, you get home and you put your head on your pillow. Maybe you were sweating and you haven't showered yet and you lay down to rest or whatever. My kids, we try to make them shower every day but sometimes it's in the morning when they fight against it at night and they refuse you get your children i was gonna say that same day that's a shocking shocking thing it takes a lot of effort but yes we we try to i mean during the school year yeah but my point is they is, they got dirty heads. My 13-year-old gets close to it. It's at least every other day for him.

Yeah, I will say that my younger- The youngest goes four or five days. The younger I have a little bit more. And they hate it. It's like poison. They don't have the stink pits yet. Yeah. You know, so.

But they're laying their head down on these pillows. Get out of here. They need it. Their pillows are probably disgusting. And then you go the next night and you sleep on that same thing well then the world's dirty that's what we're learning here the world's a dirty place yeah but you know it's not dirty toilet seats apparently i don't know what i want to do here i don't want to vacuum my house with my mouth that's gross you got to go surface area

oh yeah the smaller windshield you take the windshield yeah there's going to be some bird doo-doo there might be i'm taking the windshield for a different reason. You take the windshield. Yeah, there's going to be some bird doo-doo. There might be. I'm taking the windshield for a different reason. I'm taking the windshield because I know what I'm getting. I can see it. It's right there. Ain't no surprises. I'm not vacuuming up my carpet going, oh, what was that?

Oh, what was that? Oh, no, there was a chunk. No. And it's probably more fun to lick glass than vacuum a carpet. Yeah, you know how much carpet hairs you're going to get in your mouth? I mean, it's probably fun, right? It's a good time. Yeah.

Oh, now just think about this for a second. I just had a visual realization. Because it's been a while. We've been carpetless for a long time now. We replaced them years ago. If you at home have replaced your carpets, think back to when you had carpets and you vacuumed. You vacuumed a carpet that maybe you vacuumed yesterday.

Are you talking about the bin? The bin that comes out is unbelievably dirty. I'm imagining the vacuuming. You're're spitting this stuff out right sure you don't have to eat any of this no you don't have to ingest it what into like a bucket sure a little baggie you carry along yeah i mean you want to throw it away eventually you don't want to put it back in the carpet yeah you're the vacuum and you've got a little vacuum bag um yeah give me the windshield um okay are we moving on al yeah let's move on jason yes did you know that browsing online using incognito mode doesn't actually protect your privacy i did that's why i use a v, Mike. That is right. Well, thank you for setting me up right there, Jason.

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Who wants to go first here? We are sharing some stories from everyday life that are, in fact, not made up. Real things happening to help reinforce your view of humanity i'll start it off here because this one applies to to the three of us we we like cryptocurrencies and we're three good-looking men buy cryptocurrencies that is i mean is this real life or what very strong maybe don't look it right right and definitely never scared we've established that honorary doctorates given to three so we've done that and we've played in the stock market you know there's there's investing is an important uh part of life as you get older uh kids if you're listening you know learn learn invest. But here's maybe a tip in investing.

This title is, quote, a crypto trading hamster performs better than Warren Buffett and the S&P 500. This is what I'm talking about, man. I knew you would love this. Because it's all fake. It's all fake. It's all a gamble. this because it's all fake it's all fake it's all a gamble uh this crypto trading hamster uh is set up on a very high-tech hamster wheel system with a live stream twitch attached where basically this hamster runs and then chooses two options to buy or to sell so this is like in the when they have

an animal pick who's gonna win the sports bet exactly the big game and the portfolio as of the time of this article was up 20 percent this hamster is killing it again that just supports every investment I've ever made yeah so you know I'm not necessarily saying you need to go by what Mr. Gox that's his name that is the name of the hamster two x's I'm not saying you need to go by what mr gox uh that's his name that is the name of the hamster two x's um i'm not saying you use him well yeah i mean it's not gonna be one x is a you have to go get your hamster go get your own hamster um to do this no gosh i don't think all hamsters have this kind of ability our hamsters like stupid as just stupid. Hamsters are real. I mean, there was not one redeeming single quality to the time that I had a hamster as a child. You didn't have a hamster wheel?

Not one that he used. Oh, yeah. Oh, we bought it. Don't worry about that. Could you put him in the sphere? Oh, in the ball so he can break out and hide under my cabinets? Cool. Well, he's not that stupid, then is he? Well, in the ball so he can break out and hide under my cabinets? Cool. Well, he's not that stupid,

then is he? Well, don't worry, though. They also don't really stay awake during the day. They stay awake at night. Oh, yeah. They go to sleep during the day so that way they can scratch

something while I'm trying to sleep. Or, if you want to hold it, it will bite you. Yes, that's true. Yeah. But otherwise... Or, if you want to invest with it it can really up your portfolio value so that is my article for is this real life you're me mike go ahead all right this one's

rather simple um box of human heads stolen from a truck in denver box of human heads box stolen from truck so. Stolen. Stolen from a truck. So this is a theft situation. This is a theft situation. But we can't overlook the fact that there's a truck driving around with a box of heads. Well, you see. Human? Human.

Human heads. It was stolen out of a medical truck used to transport body parts for medical research in a nice family area of Denver's Central Park neighborhood. A lot of families out and about. Kids getting off into the school bus and people walking their dogs. Right. And then, well. Now, I don't know if you have the answer to this.

You read the article. Was this an accidental, I'm going to steal from this bag? Ooh, get home. What'd you get? Right. Oh, I got some human heads. Uh-oh. Or was this like a planned heist like the human heads are going to be transporting down I-17 at 12pm?

Let's get them. I think it's the former because they stole a dolly and a box and it just so happened that the box they stole was filled with human heads that was their loot that was their surprise now when i was a teenager uh i remember i wrongly stole a box in front of a store it turned out to have oranges and bread in it. It was a great find. Wrong.

No, no, no. It was awful. Go into this. Why did you steal this box? I think this is because I could. A mischief thing? It was just a mischief thing. We also stole a bunch of trays from a Whataburger.

We didn't need trays. Was that to carry around all your oranges and bread? Yes, apparently. We're just being stupid teenagers. Teenagers don't steal. Then we served all of it to under privileged teens. That's right. We stole from the rich and we gave these fruits and breads to those in

need. We definitely didn't throw them out to car people. So listen, but my point in this story was more along the lines of imagine if you were causing some mischief like i can't even fathom if you stole medical human body parts and what do you do with them at that point how do you return that that? There's no way to un-steal the heads. You don't want them. You're not like, oh, I found a keeper.

You can't put them in your garbage can. And your DNA is on these human heads. Now, the box said science care on the side of it. They should probably say human heads. Right. They thought they were getting a cool science project. Don't steal human heads. You don't want this we are not

joking human heads and the police have yet to make an arrest in this in this situation okay so that's the answer to what do you do with it because no the answer what you do yes that's the only end game but then somebody's gonna find perfectly legally acquired human heads underground somewhere and think there's a serial killer. Well, but then they... Well, they weren't legally acquired because someone stole them. Well, but originally... Yes. But like those heads, as long as it says science care on the side, were legally acquired.

All right, Mike, what do you got? All right, fellas, I have quite the tale. It's got some twists and turns, but I'll start it off with the headline. No, it's not about human heads. But it's a little eye-catching here. Best man steals bride from groom after confessing love in his wedding speech.

Oh my goodness! After the speech? And it worked? And she got married because the speech comes after the marriage. So here's the story. And she got married because the speech comes after the marriage. So here's the story. A guy and a gal getting married, tying the knot. What a day. What a special day.

Committing to each other for eternity, for life, what have you. So the back story is the best man and the bride were lifelong friends. Eventually bride meets groom and groom and best man ended up hitting off become good enough to be a best man, good friends. And he's giving his speech and he kind of left the, the, the, the, the crowd stunned as people weren't really sure what to make of it as he starts talking and saying how he's loved the bride since he saw her and just goes on and on. At this other man's wedding.

Yeah, but also is including things like, so you're a lucky man, but you can't deny what has just occurred here of, it really seems like the best man has just let out a gigantic confession after a ceremony has already been performed. So that on the surface sounds like the most uncomfortable situation you've ever witnessed in your entire life. So moving forward, bride and groom, things don't go very well for them. As the bride puts it, his personality really changed. He started to wanting to live a different lifestyle.

He was nothing like Jimmy. And they're actually pretty quickly divorced after about a year. Well, in comes the best man who's kind of the support system. Well, you know, as things do, they end up turning into a little bit more than friends. They start dating. They get married. They have now been married for over a decade and have four children together and seem to be living a very happy life that started

when he confessed his love for her at her other wedding at her other wedding which really like in some ways that may take more courage to say than anything that he could ever do in his entire life. It's also awful. But, I mean, to be able to say those things. You're not wrong. That's true love. Because you have to know that that's wrong. He had his opportunity.

They ask everyone, if anyone wants to speak now forever hold your peace he did not abide by the rules of the wedding did they ask that at your guys's weddings i don't remember i don't think they actually asked that my father officiated mine so i doubt he did that part i don't i don't remember i don't remember i was crying too much to remember i was in the middle of a panic attack. Were you? Oh goodness gracious. Be the center of attention. How much of your wedding ceremony do you actually really remember?

Not much. Yeah. The same. It was terrifying. Yeah. Weddings are very much that thing where it's like everything is about the lead up to it. So when it's actually occurring it's surreal yes it was very much

I remember most of mine other than I was crying through the entirety of it yeah I could see that so was she that's true that's true I was a joke I get it I get where you're going and we're back dang it I stumbled into the truth

you want to know the sad part of that story is the crying of the of the bride and the groom and the new groom and the best man of the people um was that i what i had i'm not sure if i hoped but yeah i know i assumed that it was like a later that night right after the wedding not like a year that night after the wedding, not like a year of bad marriage divorce. No, it's a wild story. And if you're the groom and your best man just does this. But what's the responsibility of the best friend at that point?

I mean, I don't know. I don't think he has a responsibility. You divorced her. Maybe he says at the end now the confession your responsibility is not to confess your love for his wife i wish we had the the transcript of the confession because i want to know if it was like alluding to or on the nose i want to yeah exactly i want to know if it was like man andy you are so lucky i'll i'll tell you the truth. I mean, really lucky. When I first met her, I was in love.

I was madly in love. And I can't imagine how lucky you are. And then you go on. Or if it's like, Andy, you're really lucky. She's great. I have loved her since the day I met her. I still do. But anyways.

I wish I was you. And I plan to be you. In you in a year about a year's time that's pretty much what he said wow okay time to draft do you know why free trials renew without your consent it's a business scam to get you out of your hard-earned dollars do not let the greedy corporations pocket your money and download the Truebill app. I love when a sponsor is a service that I was already using before they even started sponsoring this podcast. And that's what Truebill is. I've been using them for years.

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Truebill.com. Iters. Go right now. Truebill.com slash ballers. It could save you thousands a year. Truebill.com slash ballers. The Spitballers draft. So I'm really curious about this draft. Jason has the first pick. We're taking catchiest songs. So you have a million to this draft. Jason has the first pick. We're taking catchiest songs. So you have a million to choose from.

And I just am curious if we end up with the same songs. I imagine some might make the list and be shared, but I also would not be surprised if we all had original takes. Yeah, a lot of these drafts, you know, we go 12 total picks, four rounds for the three of us and most drafts i make sure i have at least 12 picks but in this one it's like i i don't know how much overlap there's just there's several that are on my list that i don't think are going to be on yours we will see but the first one the one-on-one to me was the song that while looking

at all of these songs today and all of them had an opportunity to get stuck in my head, there was only one that did. It was just Never Gonna Give Me Up. Ah, yes. And I got Rick Rolled because, I mean, that is a generational, like my kids know it because of Rick Roll. Yes. My grandparents know it because, you know, Rick Astley was, I'm sure,

quite the charmer. Your grand, that song came out in the 80s, Jason. That's how it feels. It feels old. That song came out when we were parents. I thought that that would be a sneaky later round pick for me. I really did. That was on my list, and I thought it would just be

one of those ones I kind of stumbled on. I found it later in my search. That song is very strange because as a child, I be one of those ones i kind of stumbled on i i found it later in my search never gonna that song is very strange because as a child i loved that song like i was aware of that he also had another hit which sounds exactly the same uh as that one but that was his big hit and i loved that song i still love that song and the it's the fact that it's turned into like this it's an internet joke of you rickroll someone which is i mean that's just it's because of the vintage internet of like how insane is it that this became a thing of you send someone to the wrong website so that they

could go listen to this song it's the ridiculousness of the video yes that's the whole that's the only reason it's it's what it is is because it's quintessential time capsule ridiculous video. I think it's the combination. I think it's the combination of the ridiculousness of the video and the catchiness of the song because once you got Rickrolled

it's in your head the rest of the day man. Because you don't need more than a split second. And when I was making my list most of the time I was thinking, like, I'm annoyed when a song gets stuck in my head all day. I'm not always like, yes, I have this song. I've been waiting to get this song. And that's one where it's like, someone please sing something else.

Get this out of my head. Gotcha. All right. I will go with, I mean, so many to choose from. I don't know how to prioritize them. That's the hard part. But at the end of the day, I just gonna go with my heart i think billy jean by michael jackson is one of the catchiest songs of all time okay you get the bass line you got a hook in there with the chorus i mean it's

just in your head if you hear it it makes you want to listen to it over and over again and i actually love the song so it's a great song? It's not just catchy. It's a catchy plus you like it. Guitar, this is one of those fun facts that a lot of people do know, so I'm not breaking ground here. The guitar player, that's Eddie Van Halen. Really? On that track, yeah.

So that guitar solo is, in fact, Eddie Van Halen, who was asked if he would like to participate in the music video, and he passed because he thought the song was going to be a dud. Really? That was why? Whoopsies. Yeah, mistakes were made. Yes.

It's always funny when you hear about actors passing on certain roles. Right. Or the one I always remember is from E.T. Did you ever hear that? Which one? Where M&M's didn't want to be included. Oh, so it was Reese's? It was Reese's Pieces. I mean, I don't know if that's just

urban legend, but I always heard that they passed on that opportunity in Reese's Pieces. The rest is history. Was that the moment that Reese's Pieces took off? Because that would be really funny. I think it was. I think it was a catalyst.

They are delicious. All right. With my first pick, I'm not going to go with a radio song. I'm going to go with a song that when it gets stuck in your head, absolutely, it still slaps. And when I really think about it, I think I may have heard this song more than any other song in my entire existence.

I am so curious. I'm going with the Super Mario Brothers theme song. Whoa. Wow. Left field. Because when you... Let's hear it. And now you're in.

Now you're in. Now you're totally in. if you grew up in the nintendo era that thing was just on repeat for hours for people could say oh i i can listen to that same song forever but the super mario they make you listen to the same song for hours and hours so that's a burning that's a burning situation that's not hours. So that's a burn-in. That's a burn-in situation. That's not just like hook. That's burn-in. And I still love it. It's still great.

And you have tons and tons of new remixes and fresh looks on the song. But I love that song. Go ahead. No, I just can see it makes me think I should have gone into some different alleyways with this question. You are free to – oh, wait. Brooks is saying if I want to correct myself? What are you talking about here, Brooks? Sorry, I thought you would see right above there. Is that actually

on Beat It, that guitar solo? Instead of Billie Jean? Oh, it was! I thought that's what you had said. Billie Jean. I figured you'd appreciate that. Yes, yes, yes. Thank you for correcting me on that one. That would have been a faux pas. But yes, Beat It was the Eddie Van Halen. You can all delete your tweets now.

Everyone's already seen it. Yeah, I've already gotten them. Okay, so Super Mario. And then this is when you get into the area of songs where it's like maybe it's considered embarrassing if you like it. But it doesn't matter. It's catchy. Because this song gets stuck in your head. And this was a generational moment for us.

There were three young fellas, all related. Brothers, in fact. Okay. Brothers, in fact. One played the keyboard. One played the drums. And one played the guitar. And they had an anthem that went out to the

United States of America. And that anthem was Mbop. Mbop. It's getting like that. Because Mbop. It did take over the world for a while. Once it's in there, good luck getting it out.

It is a virus. So Super Mario Bros. theme in Mbop. That is correct. All right. I have Billie Jean by Michael Jackson. Tough decision here. I'm going to go with We Will Rock You by Queen.

Okay. Okay. Different Queen songs that you could choose from. Yeah, that's the hard part is deciding which Queen song, but I think We Will Rock You takes the cake for me. Yeah, it was the same with Michael Jackson. I feel like you could choose from. Yeah, that's the hard part is deciding which Queen song. But I think We Will Rock You takes the cake for me. Yeah, it was the same with Michael Jackson.

I feel like you could pick several Michael Jackson, several Queen songs. So you've got some great performers here. Yeah, and there's some songs that, especially when I think about, there's catchy like Mbop, which owned a little piece of time. But then there's catchy like Is In in every sports stadium for all of eternity. Yeah, stadium songs. And so those stadium songs, which they have two songs. They have We Are the Champions, too, which could be in there.

It's really, I believe those songs, I don't know, Brooks, you might know this. On the album, those songs just run into each other, right? Yeah, I don't know if they're technically one track or not. I think they're separate, but it essentially runs like one seamless track. That'd be real dumb if they didn't do it that way. Yeah, take that, Queen. Jason, you have a couple picks. I really wish I was not on the clock because choosing between...

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here I don't want to be here at all choosing between these songs is like I I don't feel like there's a tear break I feel like everything is about the same to me um but the one that has been stuck in my head probably the most from this list today uh it's another classic so i've got never gonna give you up it's classic sure so i'm never gonna give you up you know what else i'm not gonna do let you down no i'm not gonna stop believing oh okay journey yeah uh journey usually is a pretty catchy catchy uh ditty now i'm gonna now i'm gonna go a different direction a little less classic a little bit more recent a little less good a little more bad a little more rock and roll

no no no no no okay okay okay uh this one is a little bit more to do to do we're going what baby oh goodness gracious yeah baby shark dude and, you might have that in your head. Yes. That's the classic, please someone get that out of my head. Yeah, I hope it does too. I really do. It's the worst song. But tell me it's not catchy.

Well, it can be catchy, but you can have catchy songs that are good. Oh, I got two of them. Yes, I do. Yeah, but now you have one that's real bad. Yeah, I do. But it is real catchy. one that's real bad. Yeah, I do. But it is a real catchy. This is not. Am I back on the clock?

Or is it my? Yeah, no, you're up, Andy. This is catchiest songs. Am I up for real, though, or like fake? You are. No, I've. When you've made your bad picks, I have never said a thing. You just let me walk off the cliff.

I'm going to go with Eye of the Tiger by Survivor. I'm going to go with Eye of the Tiger by Survivor. I'm going to go with Eye of the Tiger. Okay. So that is my catchy song pick number three. Iconic. Yes. You hear it, and then it's in your head for a long time. I recently heard a story from the Always Sunny podcast,

and so I will take their story, and I will share it on our podcast. Let's hear your story. So my story involves one of those guys sitting on an airplane by a member of Survivor. And they were telling the story of how they wrote that song. And they got – this is just total podcast, just stealing their podcast. But it's a great story. This is just total podcast, just stealing their podcast.

But it's a great story. So the singer or whoever got a message from Sly Stallone. Said, hey, I want you to write a song for my movie. Rocky, yeah. And he completely blew it off. It's like, who is doing this? Like, who's screwing me right now that's pretending to be Sylvester Stallone? A couple weeks go by, gets another call. Hey, why are you ignoring me? This islvester Stallone. A couple weeks go by. Gets another call. Hey, why are you ignoring me?

This is Sly Stallone. I want you to write a movie. Were you about to do a Sly right there? I was. I was, but I didn't want to go into the whole bit. Ignores it. Gets a call from the manager. Sylvester Stallone is trying to call you.

Why are you not answering Sylvester Stallone? And he wanted two songs. And so they go, and they spend a whole bunch of time in the studio recording a song, and they're perfecting everything. This is it. This is going to be the theme for the new Rocky movie. Oh, crap, but we promised two songs. We need to rip one off real quick.

The one they rip off real quick turns out to be Eye of the Tiger and become one of the most iconic songs of all time. It's just so... You're not saying ripped off from somebody else. No, no, no. Like they banged it out. Isn't that how it always happens? I mean, it's like...

Music is so wild of like these... The songs you know and love that are iconic. Oh, yeah. I wrote that in 10 minutes. Yeah. You hear those stories on like Howard Stern and stuff when he interviews artists. So wild. So I'm going with Eye of the Tiger.

I like it. With Billie Jean and We Will Rock You by Queen. Mike, your final two picks. All right. So with one of my picks, I know where I'm going. And I'm going to go with, I think it's their biggest hit. I believe. It's their biggest hit to me because it's the song that I'm drafting as their catchiest song.

But there was a group of fellas they were a pop group they swept the world and then when they wanted to to break up with a lady they said bye bye bye it's on my list oh yeah you got that one on there yes it is that's their biggest song right yeah yeah i mean that was that was the song that brought in it took it from just like the hardcore nsync fans and the uh like the the young ladies who all were into nsync too guys were like that's that's not half bad that's not half bad i can get down with this i bought the no strings attached album that was a very very big song it was fantastic it's also very funny to go watch those old

videos. Live performances and how ridiculous they look. I still think of it like anytime someone says bye bye. Yep. Bye bye bye. Bye bye bye. Alright for my final pick man it's I am gonna go

with I'll go with this. I'll throw a modern song in here because this one also swept, I think, the world and the nation. And this thing was like number one in the billboards for a record setting amount of time. It's Old Town Road, my friends. Well, Jason's not against it. I know the song. I saw it on a list. It's a Town Road, my friends. Well, Jason's not against that. I know the song. I saw it on a list.

It's a good song. Wait, you don't think it's that catchy? Really? Let me hear it. I'm going to take my ramp down to your own Elmbrona. I'm kind of on Jason's team on that. I thought that song was catchy. It's just hard when you're only down to 12 picks. You okay you can ask me now mike okay it's very catchy thank you thank you i believe i said it's very catchy i believe jason said it's very catchy i just felt

bad because i couldn't support his take earlier so i wanted to get in there yeah thank you all right so you got your four picks yeah all right i um it took me a second to find my last pick because I started trying to think about different alleyways than traditional music once you put the Super Mario Brothers theme song. Gillette. Gotcha. Yes. I'm talking about some jingles. A song that never ends. But where I got to was actually the Imperial March by John Williams from Star Wars.

Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in. I'm in. Because I started going down there like maybe I'm going to go Jurassic Park theme. Right. And then I was like, what is the most, and you just let your brain go,

what's the most catchy, iconic music theme that you would just repeat to yourself? And that was what came to my mind. I don't know if there's another song from movies that is that kind of... Aside from all of John Williams' songs. Yes, all of his songs are that way. That guy's a turd,

man. How can you be so good at anything? Yeah, he's unbelievable. Do yourself a favor. Watch him compose one of these themes in front of a live orchestra and have your mind blown. I feel like if you're making a really epic movie, you're making what is going to be a blockbuster.

You have two choices. Make it better or don't use him. Those are your two choices. You're deciding, okay, who am I going to have score this movie? Well, how good do you want it to be? Not that good. And I want to hear the stories of John Williams of like, well, how did you get the melody for the Imperial March?

He's like, well, I was taking a crap. And it just came to me. I wrote that in three minutes. I was like, duh, duh, duh. This is like... to me. I wrote that three minutes. I was like, Oh, yeah, okay. This is like, I don't know. It's such a, I don't think I like this draft because I feel like it is a betrayal.

It's one of those drafts because of the choices where it's a betrayal of a thousand songs to pick four. And we all have different opinions but are we done did we do no i still have my favorite one we're done not my favorite my final pick i i did consider doing the song that never ends you know this is the song that never why what happened to you because once that gets in your head you can't get it out but i already took baby shark and i can only take one of those gimmicky yeah

yeah so um and likewise because it's gimmicky i'm also not going uh gangnam style which was it's pretty catchy but i feel like i love that i know when the song isn't even in english and you like yeah you can't get out of your head it's like yeah it's pretty catchy but i'm gonna go with a song that i have right next to my list on next to bye bye bye very similar kind of a poppy once you get i i think it's that like alliteration of the of the you know the diction and it's poker face by lady gaga okay because you're it's uh i got the song yeah no uh that one is my my daughter like every now and then that that song goes around my house like just not not not even played just someone is like it has it in their head from somewhere and one and it spreads like a virus yes it certainly does so i think

that qualifies for catchy songs what do we have on our list? To do honor to the other songs here. What do you got, Andy? The Final Countdown by Europe. Great. I don't want to miss a thing by Aerosmith. I don't care what you say. I had Wanna Be by Spice Girls. Again, that just stays in your head.

Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. Sure. And also Who Let the Dogs Out by bahamian i do have that one on my list yeah uh i have um mickey hey mickey you're so fun you're so fun that's a way better pick i've got rick rolled i've got got him yes you just got rick right now. Who did it? I did. Jeremy rig rolled. Oh, that is so great. You did not verify the link. Yeah.

It was so. Good timing, John. I've got happy because I'm happy. Yeah. And then. That's Pharrell. Yep. Yes.

And living on a prayer. Oh, by Bon Jovi? Yeah. Yeah. No, you sound on a Prayer. Oh, by Bon Jovi? Yeah. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you sound just like him. Thank you.

Mike. See, that's the perfect example. I hated Bon Jovi. I could not stand Bon Jovi. He was a little too old for me, so the older crowd liked him, so I hated him. It was for old people. Oh, okay. I got you. But when you hate someone and their music's so good you can't get it out

of your head it's like that okay you win bon jovi uh leftovers i had uh the 500 miles which in title alone is doesn't i would walk 500 miles um and uh call me. Oh, my gosh. That song is amazing. Mike's having the time today. I am 100%. I don't know if you guys have seen memes of... It's like... I'm not saying I'm the super buff guy, but to make the meme is funny,

where they show a guy who's shredded. It's like me walking into the gym, and he's got headphones in, and then it's like what I'm actually listening to. And it's Call Me Maybe. And it's Carly Ra into the gym and he's got headphones in and that it's like what i'm actually listening to and it's and it's carly ray call me maybe and that is 100 me on the bench just hit me with call me maybe blasting any other any others that uh al or the judge want to I had Call Me Owl by Paul Simon. Is that because it's good or because you wanted to make a Call Me Owl joke? No, that song really gets stuck in my head a lot.

It does. Take on me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. All right, that'll do it. What did we learn today? I learned that butterflies are jerks. Oh, yes.

That's what I learned with their fancy luggage. I learned that even if you keep your guard up most of your life, you can still get Rickrolled by now. Oh, man. Did you learn anything today, Mike? Not really. Okay. That's good.

I learned that carpet is as dirty as I thought it was, which is dirtier than toilets. That's one. I got to research that. Is that because your butt cheeks are cleaner than you think? Oh, and the carpet's just still really clean? Yeah. No, I don't think so. I think it's because the carpets are freaking disgusting.

Just think about what you vacuum up, man. Turns out shoes are disgusting. This is why you really shouldn't wear your shoes in the house. Correct. Because you save the carpets. That'll do it for this show. Tell your friends. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

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