Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 191: Eating Crayons & The Worst Animals To Be A Vet For - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

Come on in. Grab a seat and hear us talk all about seeing dinosaurs, giraffe shoes, and jellyfish poop. Then, can Jason go for a repeat victory in Highway To Spell? Lastly, we wrap things up with a draft of the worst animals to be a veterinarian for. Don’t miss this episode! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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C-O-D-E-C-A-D-E-M-Y.com, promo code SPITBALLERS. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Bounchika, bounchika, bum, bum, bum, dingy. Oh, man. So I don't know if that was... I love the beginning.

I was feeling it. I was in. I was vibing. It's been a long time since I... But here's the thing i'll use my stinger i was rolling with it but then you pulled out the old stinger i and then this new fresh uh whatever wah guitar you were playing over there yeah yeah but that's kind of his calling card i haven't used in a long time i can tell you i didn't plan it i but that's kind of his calling card. Yeah, I haven't used it in a long time. I can tell you, I didn't plan it. I mean, that's just, that thing was born for a reason. Look, I was in for three beats, and then I was out.

All right. I'm sad that. That's still a 75%, though. Which is your new high score. All right. Welcome into the Spitballers episode 191 would you rather jason's favorite segment highway to spell barf b-a-r-f barf hey you're the rating champion oh that's right thank you for reminding me yes yes uh sure yes i the best part is that um you are just as happy to win that with me being handicapped as if I wasn't.

Makes no difference at all. Also, I went to a grade past where you were handicapped. So loser says what? I'm just saying that if you were in a sprint, like a race, and every one of your opponent's legs were tied together and yours weren't, you would feel like you had beat them in a real race. That's all. one of your opponent's legs were tied together and yours weren't, you would feel like you had beat them in a real race. That's all.

I would lord it over them as I should with my heavy metal around my neck. We are drafting the worst animals to have to be a veterinarian for today. Very interesting. Yes, because there are different directions to go. Yes. I had my approach, and I have no idea where you... I don't know what angle you guys are coming from. I got some on my list that I'm excited to reveal. Yeah, it'll be fun.

At SpitballersPod on Twitter, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. You can watch the show on YouTube. We appreciate all the reviews, supporting the show, following the show. We're in episode... 191. 191. We're in the countdown here, final countdown to 200. Yeah, that's fair.

That's the math that checks out. I am so excited to see whatever special stuff the producers have planned for Show 200. I've been hearing whispers from the bushes that they have something big planned. And so I don't want to spoil it. I'm always surprised when you hit a threshold and they have all these plans. But I know them. And I know how much they care about big events. And the listeners.

Yeah. Because really, that's who it's about. They are going about big events. And the listeners. Yeah. Because really, that's who it's about. It really is. They are going to knock it out of the park. And the cool thing is, it's going to be a surprise. I don't even want to know all the way up to the show. I just want to be blown away. And we record a lot.

But the fact that they would put that time in for that special episode, even when we're busy with a lot of recordings, it really tells you, the listener, how much they care about you. Yeah, they're even busier. It's not about us. They're busier than you can imagine. And to really put in those extra hours that they're clearly going to have to do. Probably already have.

Yeah, they probably already have. Would you rather? That's a pro move. That was not Andy that hit the button. That was the producers just pushing us along. Oh, well done, Al. I don't know if I've ever been brought along. Is that what it feels like?

That is what it feels like. I had at least five minutes of material left for that bit. Yeah, we'll come back to it. Would you rather question from Mark on the website, would you rather have goggles? The goggles do nothing. Goggles that allow you to, is that a line from Arnold? It's a deep Simpsons cut for everybody out there.

It better be. Would you rather have goggles that allow you to see your surroundings in a historical time period? Okay. Which sounds time period. Okay. Which sounds really cool. Okay, okay. That's a typo. That should say in any historical time period.

You can choose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it made sense. Got a dial on it like binoculars. You could go back. I've always thought that would be really neat. That sounds awesome. Yeah.

Or a flask that gives you an infinite supply of whatever liquid you put in it. Hmm, man. By the way, we are very close to the first one in terms of what Google Maps can do now, where you can actually look at an area. Now, it's not high resolution. It's not the same as this. But you can actually scroll time periods and see buildings change and be added sure but i mean you you can only go back as far as we have the record but tell me if you

guys have ever done this because this may be just just deep philosophical uh version of me but like all sometimes i'll drive by an empty lot and it's like that lot right there where it's just it's just laying that's just dirt that means that that area has been dirt for all of modern history and it is just sitting there and nothing ever has been built upon that. Like, how outrageous is that? It is outrageous. I guess I've never really thought about that. I don't have that deep of thoughts. Like, I just...

I figured it might only be me, but I'm throwing it out there. I mean, that is pretty cool to think about. I'll forget it by the time we're done recording. Nothing has been there. Nothing has been where nothing has been built, right? Yeah, it's just... Well, that could have been underwater or something, right? Exactly.

Yeah. It's just... Well, that could have been underwater or something, right? Exactly. Yeah. It's just, it's a crazy thought when you try and think of how old the world actually is. Hmm. Okay, you put the goggles on and then you see someone like bury a body out there from 120 years ago. Okay, but on the other side,

an infinite supply of whatever liquid you put in it. What? Do I have to fill the flask to the brim or can I just put a couple drops in there? Because I get an infinite supply. You just want to gulp? No, I want to put in some valuable liquid.

Well, that's where my brain immediately goes, what is the most expensive liquid we can put in there? Is there any liquid that you could put in there that would then, like, yes, you can make, let's say it's the, let's just make it the most expensive liquor in the world or the most expensive wine, right?

Okay. Right. But to refill it, you got, let's say you got to put the flask cap back on tight. You don't have to refill it though. No, he's saying. No, I'm saying to initiate the magic. You got to put the lid back on.

Okay. And it fills back up. Right. And so then you gotta open it and you gotta pour it out and sell it right right so then i guess that'd be pretty cool i was thinking that was some great burden or something to make some time argument i was just saying wouldn't that get boring and and i was like i'd probably just hire somebody to do it and let me ask you if it would be boring if you could put the most expensive liquid in the world in there, which is scorpion venom.

Yeah, welcome to the Spitballers podcast where we fill the pool up with whatever we want. It's $10 million per liter. Yeah, we've learned this. Yeah, but demand on scorpion venom is probably not meeting. Right. You'd flood the market. It would not be worth that forever. And it goes back to what Mike was saying.

Does three drops count, or do you have to fill it up, and then it stays full? And I think you've got to fill it up. But to fill that up is going to cost you a milli, at least. Now, let me ask you a question. Substances that need to be hot or cold, I assume that they are going to be in that condition within the flask? Yeah.

So, like, infinite soup? Well, I was going to say infinite milkshake. What do you got in there, chicken noodle? But, like, a lot of it. I could eat chicken noodle forever. I'm taking the goggles. Oh, yes. For sure.

I just don't see the benefit of the flask one. I don't see the benefit of the goggles other than a very cool parlor trick. Like, if I'm standing at my house and I take these goggles and I put them on and I rewind the tape 100 years, 200 years, 300 years. You want to know what I'm standing at my house and I take these goggles and I put them on and I rewind the tape 100 years, 200 years, 300. You want to know what I'm seeing? Nothing. I'm seeing dirt, Mike, to go to your point. Like we live in Arizona.

Okay. For the vast majority of human existence where we live, people have not been stupid enough to just be here in the heat. It's just going to be flat dirt. No way. What if you see a T-R say what who does that's exactly where my brain went what do dinosaurs actually look like because we like if you we put it all together we you know we're assuming that our skeleton structures are correct and but now the idea of what a dinosaur looks like, that has changed just in our lifetime, where they were scaly, lizard-like creatures, and now we're giving them feathers.

Now they're ancestors to birds. They have feathers. But does that matter? It does. What are you talking about, does it matter? Why would it matter? A T-Rex looks awesome, okay? Now, let's say that we've got it wrong,

and the T-Rex had giant arms, okay? It doesn't have these we've got it wrong. And the T-Rex had giant arms. Okay. It doesn't have these little baby arms. I don't give a crap. I don't know. Okay. That's just like really a reason not to know anything. Let's go solve any of the biggest mysteries of life.

Okay. And by let's, you mean me and you because Jason's not coming with us. Yeah, yeah. You guys thirsty? Like, I'm not trying to get super dark, but Lee Harvey Oswald. The JFK assassination. Oh, yeah, you get a score of that. Which is like, what?

What happened? We still aren't 100% sure what happened because the official report feels like there's no way that that's actually what happened. Okay, you just brought up a valuable point. and I don't think it's that one. I think that's too far away. You'd have to travel to that location. These are goggles. They don't let you see different. I'd have to travel to Texas.

Right. I'd have to go to Texas to find out. That would take me hours. Thank you. You understand. But, I mean, say you're a modern day detective. Okay. I mean, you don't need to go back.

We're back to the money. No, it wasn't about money. It was about you can solve every crime. Every crime. As long as you know where it happened. Well, yeah, but if it's like what happened here, someone was, you know, you find a body. Well, let me see who brought it here. I'll just go back to, we've got now we've got

practical i like pragmatism i like things that are useful and like scorpion venom well yes do something for me an infinite flask does something for me and in 50 years when we're all in a drought uh and you know the water's scarcity yeah when it, when it turns into Mad Max and everyone around you dead and you'll be alive. I'll have so much delicious cold or hot chicken noodle soup. I will formally go- I will go goggles. Yes.

And I will- Not even close. And it's not just buildings. I mean, if you scroll back in time, you'll get to see people walking around and stuff. You ever see those old videos where they have like yes downtown san francisco or someplace in france i'll watch those for a long time it's fat and like they're starting to colorize them yes because it's so weird to look at black and white black and white photos

and realize and try and wrap your head around no it the world wasn't black and white it's so it was just as real then as it is now it doesn't see i don't believe that i just don't believe that the world was as real as it is now i know it's crazy everything because everything was shades of brown right yeah is that just because of our media that like you know it was all black and white and everything was shades of brown i know like dyes were harder to come by but doesn't that mean yeah not to the black and white point yes sure but shades of beige is pretty boring um all right let's move on janna janna janna from twitter which one which one do you think it is janna doesn't sound right, but that's the way- Jana also doesn't sound right. So-

Jana. Ah, we got there. Jana from Twitter. What would you rather eat for $10 million? 1,500 red crayons or a delicious hippopotamus? You must complete all of it to get the money. Okay. So I just recently watched that show Alone in the Wilderness,

and they are alone, and they are without food, and they have to find their own food, and one of the guys got a bow and arrow that he made, or no, he brought it, and he killed a... Some crayons? The guy's got a bow and arrow that he made, or no, he brought it, and he killed a... Some crayons? He killed a very large, I don't even know what it was.

It was almost like a bison, but it was some, I don't know, wild cow thing. Okay. I hadn't heard of it before. But he ate everything. He ate everything. Including the bones. How do you eat the bones? I saw the exact... He didn't eat the bones

Okay I lied then But he made soup from the bones Did he go Okay so did he do like the bone marrow? The marrow soup yeah He ate everything I mean

Okay You're talking Everything Yeah Brain Every If there's a thing He ate it

Just not I mean I assume Like the skin he didn't eat the skin well he used it right or i guess the the fur did he tan it make a yeah he did he did what people know how to do that they do they if you scroll back in your goggles people once knew how to do that um and but the crayons they're really not for human consumption that is correct now what and how many could you eat a day healthily? The question, yes.

That's what it comes down to is like 1,500 crayons. And I specifically read. That's very interesting. What is the weight? I've already got you here. Thank you, sir. I'm on it. I knew I could count on you.

1,500 crayons is way less than a hippo. Way less than a hippo. Way less than a hippo. 1,500 crayons, 9 grams a crayon would be 13,500 grams or 29 pounds. Yeah, 29 pounds. So you've got to eat 29 pounds. Now, on the other side of hippo. Of wax. Of wax or now, so it's.

Red wax. Thank you. Specificity matters. Red dye is very dangerous. Thank you. Specificity matters. Red dye is very dangerous. But the hippo males weigh anywhere between 3,500 to 9,920 pounds.

9,000? Yeah, we're talking that's going to be a minute. Now, is that a regular hippo or a red hippo? That is a... Because that would make a difference to me. Oh, okay. From a dye perspective. Yeah, no dye. All natural. The hippo is all natural. I got a tomahawk steak for the first time in my life.

You did. Oh, my goodness. A week or so ago. I had that... The table kind of bent down that direction. Okay, and it was... What was it? 32 ounces?

32 ounces. So we're talking two pounds. Two pounds. That took me three dinners to eat it. Three meals. And I'm not going light. I'm eating till full. And you're never getting through this hippo.

3,000 pounds. That hippo is 160,000 ounces. Yeah. I will take my crayons. I'll eat one a day and someday have a reward. You will never finish a hippopotamus, ever. But it's delicious, as per the question. So then the reward is the hippo?

It's 5,000 tomahawks. Oh, man. And you said that was three days? That was three days. Which you could do better, but you'd die off quicker. Wax is not poisonous, is it? I think I can eat three crayons a day without consequence, right? I don't know, man.

I mean, my poops are going to be red for a long time. For sure, but eventually you're going to start jamming up the works. That's why I'm limiting it to three. Yeah, I think three's too many. No. No, you can pass three? I think you could do eight or nine. That would take you a year and a half.

Yeah. If you only do three crayons a day, it's a year and a half to get you $10 million. I'm back over to eight or nine. On the other side, I just did the math on if I ate the same amount three times a day, gorged myself on hippo, it would be 41 years. So you ain't getting through the hippopotamus. It's not happening. Without looking

like a hippopotamus. This is the crayons. Crayons all the way around, right? You got to risk it. Crayons are way lighter than a hippo. If this question was eat a quarter of a hippo, you're taking 10 years still. Hippos are big.

Let me ask you this. Are you going solid crayon or are you melting these bad dogs down and making some kind of a stew? That's what's in my flask. I've got so much. No, I would probably cheese grate it. Oh. And I would mash it into other food. That is super smart. I would put it in all my spaghetti would mix it into other food. That is super smart.

I would put it in all my spaghetti sauce because it's already red. Cheese grating your crayons is super smart. Into spaghetti sauce, you wouldn't see it, you wouldn't smell it, you wouldn't taste it. Would you like some red parmesan on that? Yes, I would. You would notice it. No. Any of you guys, are you fans like I am

of the wax lips chewing on those? The candy as a child? Yeah, or the bottles with the goo inside of them. That was the worst. I love chewing on wax. That was the worst. I was not a fan. All right.

Did we paint chips? Stupid from... Oh. You got got. Yeah. Patreon supporter. Thank you, Stu. If you were part of the 10% who survived, would you rather survive a plane crash or a Titanic-style sinking shipwreck?

Simple. It's so simple. I think this is the easiest. Yeah. Yes. Let me ask you. Would you rather be on land or in the middle of the ocean? I mean, it's definitely not the ocean, right?

Yes, but you do survive. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not about that. I think we can infer that you would safely get home either way. The point is, which would you rather say you've survived or what ordeal would be more difficult to go through and then have survived? I'm thinking, as Jason loves, pragmatically.

Thank you. Titanic-style shipwreck. I go down in a boat. I survive. I have PTSD forever of remembering going down into the ocean, being terrified, all of that, getting rescued. I never have to go on a boat again in my life. Fine.

You go down in a plane. I mean, like, people that survive a plane crash, how long does it take before you can get back on an airplane? How do you ever fly again? Two lifetimes. Right. And I know some people do. Travis from Blank 182, he had that horrific plane wreck years ago, and I believe he's finally flying again. But it's like an airplane is something that if you're actually really going to

travel around, you have to have an airplane. But a boat, I can absolutely do without. You can skip it. Yeah, and so that makes this question super easy for me. Yeah, but part of it is not the... There's a huge difference in these two beyond some of the things we're saying. The plane crash is a...

It's much faster. It's the worst terror possible because you are certain you're gonna die it all happens very quickly right and then the other one is literally that's potentially the slowest eventual death scenario with a boat that's slowly sinking and you're just waiting for water to fill the hours if not days where a plane crashes like what five to ten minutes or so so is it level of terror like the terror level has to be higher on the plane but it's for a shorter amount of time where the terror level is still very high on a boat but you have to live with it for a long amount of time i don't know that the terror level is less

on the boat like unless you don't it's extended going down But that's my point. If I know this boat is going down, right, where it's starting to crack, it's like everyone's got to get off or whatever, I am max level terrified. If I'm in the middle of the ocean. No, no, no. Oh, you think I'm cool, calm, and collected? I'm having a good time? The reason is you don't actually know how you're dying.

You might be rescued. You might find a life like something that you can be on top of you don't you might you don't know if you're gonna drown you might you don't know if you're gonna be eaten by a shark but and one of these it's a band-aid one of these i'm ripping it off and i'm saying this is super scary for those five minutes and we crash into trees and i am okay i have. I'm on land now. And I'm like, okay, that was insane. I can't believe that.

You know, I'm alive. Unbelievable. On the other one, I am spending hours or, as you said, days terrified in the middle of the ocean. Adrift. You might be easier to find on the ocean than in some random mountain region. No way. No way. That's an interesting question. Because here's the reality.

If a plane goes down, usually, not always, but usually they know where the plane goes down. If a boat goes down, they might know right where that boat went down. But where are you later? When there's no smoke going up yeah i mean you know it's like you're you're adrift at sea i have more hope give me the boat of being survived or surviving a boat sinking throughout the process right i would agree with that like if i want a little hope if i'm on that plane that's going down i'm just like i hope this is quick if the question was which one of these two do you think

you could survive more more likely then it's the boat yeah there's there's more time uh to to figure things out the plane is just not in your control at all you have no say you're buckled in well you said you could land it so no i this was a plane crash i would land the heck out of it we would never crash. We've established that Jason's not flying the plane because it crashed. Give me the sticks. I'm bringing it down between those two mountains. Sir, I've been a pilot for 25 years.

Shut up, you. Give me the sticks. Sit aside. Watch me work. There are no sticks. It's called a yoke. No, I don't need any eggs right now. What are you talking about?

Andrea from Patreon, would you rather have a pet dragon that doesn't understand you or a pet zebra that always listens? A dragon? A pet dragon eventually becomes an adult dragon. Yeah. Worked out for Daenerys pretty well. They listened. They understood.

Yeah, he didn't. I mean, that's a tough one. So is there a risk of death here? It didn't work out well for Hagrid. 100% there's risk of death. Okay. Well, I mean, the previous question, there wasn't risk of death in a plane crash. So I didn't know what magic is here.

Dragon, gigantic mythological beast that could burn a city to the ground. Also very cool to see. Oh, super cool. But people that have pet tigers, pet lions, they get killed by that animal, and that is not a dragon. That's a solid counterargument. What is a dragon? What is a dragon?

No, no, no. What is a dragon supposed to weigh? Oh, that's got to be more mean more than a hippo five hippos 50 000 pounds five hippos yeah i think so i mean i'm going bigger i'm going bigger than five adult at least 20 hippos 20 hippos yeah i'm going at least 20 hippos it's like 200 000 pounds, you see the size of these things? They still got to get airborne, Mike. That's a little too much. Like we're worried about the science of flight with a dragon? With a mythological dragon, yes.

Do you know that it breathes fire? Hey, listen, mythological. Yeah, but how is it possibly going to fly? What's the aerodynamics of that thing? I was going to say, mythological aerodynamics are important too. My first Google search didn't help it says average weight of a male is 180 pounds i think this is for like a little uh that's a human yeah no it says it's for a dragon but i think these might be figurines or something like statues all right well i i'm this is about how i think you eventually get rid of the dragon.

Right. But you have a cool dragon for a little while. Yeah. Maybe the zebra is your best friend, but all you got is a zebra. I'm taking the dragon. Zebras are pretty cool. Yeah. But here's the thing.

If I have a zebra that always listens to me, the coolest part about the zebra is that it listens. But I am if I have that, which is awesome is awesome i'm not gonna spend my time out there talking to a zebra like i still might spend some time oh at the first week or two i'm gonna talk to the zebra all the time you ever heard a zebra i haven't i i've not yet spoken great order no but i'm have you heard the sound of a zebra oh no what are you like is that supposed to talk them into it? I'm just saying they're crazy sounding creatures.

My point is that- Huh? That's a good- I really hope that's what they sound like. I just- I don't think I would use the novelty that much. The zebra would- It's not a novelty.

It's a talking zebra. It's a horse you could talk to. That's a novelty. No, it's not. novelty talking zebra it's a horse you could talk to that's a novelty no it's not it's a gift it's a parlor trick no i'm definitely taking a dragon no you want to know why keep the dragon well fed on zebra and you're fine it won't want to eat you if it's eating lots of zebra because i will have the only zebra that talks or the only dragon in existence that's unwieldy after a couple weeks you remember how quick that i mean they grow quickly that's you gonna have to let it go one super smart super sharp suit

and if you've ever tried to make that suit something that was off the rack you're like well this fits good enough you realize when you look in the mirror no it this is not i need a custom tailored suit look like you're from a 90s NBA draft. Exactly. You're like, well, if this works, this is good enough. Your suit should never be good enough. That's what Indochino is here for, a custom-fit suit, shirts, casual wear. They've got everything that you need.

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and get $50 off any purchase of $3.99 or more by using promo code BALLERS at Indochino.com. That's $50 off a purchase of $3.99 or more at Indochino.com, promo code BALLERS. Highway to Spell. I've been informed that the zebra does not talk. Yes, it does. Jason said something about having a zebra that talks,

and I was just saying that's not what the question said. It can understand you. Oh. Even worse. It just can listen. How do you know it's not right now? How do you know the zebra can't listen right now? Because it always goes, huh?

Huh? Huh? They're very confused creatures. Okay, we're into Highway to Spell Now. Am I a horse? Am I a cow? Jason, this is your chance to prove it. Hey, back-to-back champ champ coming in.

Does Jason start with the handicap? Well, we're all... Yeah, fourth grade. Oh, because he won most recently. Yeah. The person who won most recently should always start one grade ahead. That's a good point, Jay. I think it's if you win three times in a row, you get a handicap.

Correct. Highway to... Hmm? Huh? Highway to spell... Kick it away. All right. We'll kick it away with Jason, our reigning champion.

Thank you. We're going to start in sixth grade, Jason. Here's your sixth grade level word. No problem. Faucet. This segment sucked, by the way. Man, this would be so bad if I get this one wrong. I think I got it.

F-A-U-C-E-T, faucet. All right. There was a word the other day in the office that you couldn't. Was it curry? Oh, no, it was chili. I could not. I was like, but I knew I was wrong. I typed it out.

The food chili. Yes, the food chili. And I'm like, that's not right. I had to Google it. And sure enough, I was wrong. All right. You nailed the country, though. Yes, I did enough, I was wrong. All right. You nailed the country, though. Yes, I did.

Give it to me. All right, Andy, your seventh grade level word is? I'm sorry, sixth grade. Oh, man. Yeah, I was ready for that. This is sixth grade. Here you go. Scarcely.

Scarcely? Scarcely. There's at least a 5% chance I get this one wrong. Oh. S-C-A-R-C-E-L-Y. Scarcely. That's what I had, too. Did you have it wrong?

Yeah, I put an E in there. Well, there was an E in there. Wait, how did you spell it? Scarce, L-Y, basically. S-C-A-R-C-E-L-Y. Okay, I had the E in the wrong spot. Okay, so. Don't even worry about it.

The word is scarcely, and I went with the root scare. Okay. All right. All right, Mike. I got you. Yeah. You ready for your sixth grade little word? Clearly I'm not.

Violence. Okay. Violence. Yeah, that one's not. Violence. Okay. Violence. Yeah, that one's easy. It's the T that gets you. Violence. V-I-O-L-E-N-C-E. Now, Al.

Violence. All right, cool. We made it through one round, which is really, that's all we need. Yeah. Moving on. On to the gravy. All right, cool. We made it through one round, which is really, that's all we need. Yeah. Moving on. On to the gravy. By the way, are these words, Al, which I hope you're having a great day, by the way.

I am, thank you. Are these words that you know are coming, are they completely random in the show? They are completely random in the show. Wow. They're randomly generated from a list. So there's no biases of any kind. Correct. Okay. So there's a program of any kind. Correct. Okay. So there's a program out there that is just like,

give me six-grade words. Give me a six-grade word. And it does it? I made it into a Google Sheet, and every time it reloads, it randomly selects one from the list. Wow. Neat.

I'm impressed. I can't wait to see what you do for show 200. All right, Jason. You're getting a special word here. Grievance. That's not how you say that. Say it a different way. Grievance.

Oh, man. I'll get you another. Give me another word. Grievance. Oh, no. Wait, I'm going to need to hear that about 6 or 17 more times. other word. Grievance. Oh no. Oh my wait I'm going to need to hear that about 6 or 17 more times.

Grievance. I've got like 8 variables going on over here. I don't know the beginning, middle, or end. G. R. I'd like to file a grievance against Al for this word. What? I think I know it.

I've got my final list. Seventh grade. Yeah, seventh graders know it. Seventh grade gets hard, man. Hold on. I've got to finish writing this down. Someone taught me. Grievance.

So you've officially begun your word. Just remember that. Yeah. With a GR. I think you're off to a good start. Thank you. All right. Both of these are wrong.

Oh, this could go so many different ways. I will bow out early. Grievance. Grievance. Grievance. Yep. Grievance. Can I hear it one more time?

Sorry. Here you go. Grievance. He says ends. It just looks so wrong. It's no way. All right. Grievance. Oh, he says ins. It just looks so wrong. It's no way. All right. Grievance.

Grievance. G-R-I-V-E-N-C-E. Oh, is it A-N-C? It's A-N-C. No, that was it. But he says grievance. He doesn't say grievance. Oh, my gosh.

I hate this game. I hate this game. The I and the E wasn't 100% sure. The E and the A? And the E and the A. I was going to go A until the last time he said it, and then I changed it. Look, I'm with you. You can file a grievance on that.

I will file a grievance. Yeah. All right. Keep it going. Why do we do this? This game is not fun. No, not this. I'm saying like these words.

The English language. The man was saying grievance. Because you have how it's written and then how it gets pronounced over time. Right. But those things should match. Yeah, but dialects and things. I mean, it's not a perfect world, Mike. I'm fine with colloquial, you know, the way that we say certain words being different.

But when you're telling me that the dictionary robot says it one way. Yeah, but he was from like England or something. Grievance. All right, give me my word. All right, here you go. Your seventh grade level word. Now, if they both fail. Oh, sorry.

I didn't hear that. Boulevard oh yeah oh no well we got problems oh I got this no no I think we're good what my problem is that I'm not sure how it ends B-O-U-L-E

V-A-R-D and I am concerned about whether there's another E, but I'm going to leave it off. Yes! I had that one right! I think it might be Boulevard with an extra E in England or something. We had the same thought process the whole way.

You thought about that last E? The only question was whether it was an E at the end. Oh, man. All right. So I am out-out now. You're out-out. And Mike, you have a chance to stay in With this 7th grade level word Chaperone

Oh boy That's not how we say that word Oh you're not going to like Chaperone That one's better But the other one Chaperone Oh my gosh

This looks so terrible Chaperone oh my gosh there's this looks so terrible chaperone andy congratulations andy on you guys have you both have a different we both have a different than each other so if that's helpful to know that this is very difficult i don't think that's go ahead hit me hit me with the word i think i'm chaperone okay i'm to be very upset if that vowel in the middle is not the letter I think is. Chaperone. C-H-A-P-A-R-O-N-E. You want to try again? No.

No, I don't. End this stupid game. Give me the whole word. Spell it out. C-H-A-P-E-R-O-N-E. I'm pretty sure. I threw a G in there. He had a G in his.

Hold on. Hold on. Play it one more time. Like champagne, yeah. Play it again. Chaperone. That's garbage. Chaperone.

Yeah, chaperone. I'm here at chaperone. Yeah, exactly. And that's how I spelled it. There's a lot of anger in this place. I'm angry at the English language for being so stupid. Congratulations, Andy. Well, we get to move forward.

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They have to be real. A dragon! I don't know where anything goes. I assume there's not like a shortcut here as a veterinarian where these animals are not being brought into you tranquilized already or asleep already. All problems. You're taking on all problems. All problems. All problems. I would imagine sometimes you might have to go to the field.

Sometimes they come in. It just depends. What if they've got a broken nail? If it's an animal with a nail. I will say it's pretty easy to it's an animal with i will say it's pretty easy just hit a animal with a trank dart yeah that's what i was saying like there's that's not that transporting them of course that has its own but the trank dart doesn't normally come from the veterinarian that comes from like a games person like i don't even know you know

they do someone brings them into the vet you're gonna have to deal with whatever your clientele bring you okay yeah the way i so to clarify to you to deal with whatever your clientele bring you. Okay. Yeah. So to clarify to you, the way I looked at this draft was I'm a vet, I'm scrubbed up, and they're bringing the animal in. And I'm going to deal with what? I'm the most talented vet in the world. I'm dealing with all these animals the best that I can deal with. And that's why I'm going to be a little uncomfortable when you bring your porcupine in.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you bring the porcupine in, and look what it's called. It's a porcupine. It I mean, you bring the porcupine in and look what it's called. It's a porcupine. It's a bunch of razor blade pine needles and I don't want to mess with that. I'm getting hit. There's no doubt about it. Well, no, because it's going to be unconscious. It's not going to shoot

him. I got to get it unconscious, Mike. That might be his job. I got to give him an injection. You can, porcupine, I think you can. Oh, you're going to pet it? Is that what you just did? I think if you pet it. Pet it to sleep.

Pet it the right way. The right direction, you don't get the poke. It's easy to startle them in the vet's office, Mike. Don't you know that? I mean, it's on my list. All right. The barbs of a porcupine are unfair because the way that those things hook yes onto you is gruesome i believe it's into you yeah sure yeah and it's uh never pet against the quill that's the thing that our office has

but i feel like you could go things go wrong it's like shaving against the grain yeah you just don't do it all right mike you are up all right uh the first thing i thought of is just like a reigning champion of almost all animal. If there's an animal draft, this monstrosity always gets picked because I don't know if there's enough scalpels in the world to get inside of a blue whale. But somehow you've got to open this thing up. You've got to make sure it's doing okay. Yeah. I mean, you've got to keep it hosed down, but I'm really more concerned about just the girth. That's a big animal.

Yeah, that's a tough one. You're going to need a bigger office. You're going to need a chainsaw. I can't imagine. I think you're on the go. You've got to go. That's not coming to you. You're going to the blue whale.

I would imagine that that's part of it. Okay. All right. That is not a good animal to be a vet for. No. No, it's not coming to you. You're going to the blue whale. I would imagine that that's part of it. Okay. All right. That is not a good animal to be a vet for. No. No, it's not. And I'm going to stay in the aquatic area as well. Oh.

And I went a little different than you two on this one. On this one, you know, look, sometimes you're in charge of maybe this family's pet. You know what I mean? There's a lot of weight on veterinarians. We talk about the doctors and nurses and, you know, the mental trauma they have to go through. I'm sure veterinarians, when they let a family down, that's hard. And I can't imagine anything more difficult to work on or bring to health than a goldfish. Yeah.

Because you bring me a bag with a sick goldfish, and I am not going to be able to help you. The only hope is that I got a bunch of goldfish in the back room. 100%. You can go to the back room, you flip it, and then you bring the other one back out. No easier animal to replace than a goldfish. Yeah, that is true. So could I sleep easy at night knowing that the family is happy even though their goldfish is dead at my watch? Look, money solves problems, right?

So think about the family that comes in with the infinite blank check to save this one specific goldfish. infinite blank check to save this one specific goldfish and as a veterinarian you've got to you've got to do the work on this goldfish when you know its life is going to be so short regardless of what you do yeah that's heart transplant for a goldfish right um and then i'm going to go the other way um from from small to large oh uh this is an animal that is awful uh they kill i believe more humans than any other animal in the world oh we were just talking about delicious and we have talked about a delicious one today so i will take the word that i cannot spell so this is bringing it all in together hip-hop hip-hop hip-hop anonymous i will take the hippopotamus which we now know are yes 10 000 pounds of

of work of deliciousness oh man feed me for 41 years yeah i don't even know if you can the question with the hippo is in my mind you can't pierce the skin to put it to sleep you know what i mean like you you give it a go with a needle and it just doesn't go through. It just bounces off. It's so thick. Yeah. I don't know that there is anyone in the world that works on hippos. No. There has to be. You think?

Yeah. Someone out there cares about the hippos. I guess. Are there hippos at zoos? Do zoos have hippopotamus? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know they got rhinoceros.

Yeah. I've seen- They have hippos. Yes. I've seen plenty of the videos where-oceros. Yeah, I've seen... They have hippos. I've seen plenty of the videos where... You don't need to Google, do zoos have hippos? They do. It's a good time where the camera will start zoomed in. You have no idea what's going on.

There's just a bunch of gross stuff. And then they zoom out. And it was the hippo's mouth. And then they throw a pumpkin inside. And he just chomps it. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah. They annihilate a pumpkin.

And a watermelon. Is it the hippo? It's a hippo at the zoo video, the poop video. With the hippo sprays. It's unbelievable. It's the chainsaw. Yes, it's the classic park sound. That might be a rhino, but they both poop the same.

Oh, man. It was incredible. Was it a hippo? I'm on it. You're going goldfish and hippo as the worst animals to be a veterinarian for. Mike, it's back to you. You have an unwieldy blue whale. on goldfish and hippo as the worst animals to be a veterinarian for mike it's back to you and you you have an unwieldy blue whale yeah we we went uh jason and i have started in in opposite

directions yeah oh you're going but we're actually we're gonna cross and uh i have i don't have the steadiest of hands like i got i got a little bit of a a shake a little bit of a tremble to the hands like and i was trying to think okay if you had to cut open an animal do a little precise careful procedure yeah and like do a heart transplant on a on a hummingbird oh like you're you're margin for error of getting into the internal organs of a hummingbird is non-existent look there's a chance that when they hand you that bird, you pop its head right off on accident, and you didn't mean to. Have you ever seen a hummingbird, like the actual body, not just with the feathers, but the actual body?

This thing is so ridiculously tiny. Wow, that would be, and just think about all the, like you try to give it a drug, but you got to take the drugs down to a really small level for a hummingbird. You could OD a hummingbird real bad. Oh, yes. You give one CC, that's 10% of its body weight. That's right.

It just... Also, I have confirmed the hippo poop sprayer is the name of the video. Highly recommend you watch it. Please have your sound on for the hip opening sprayer. You won't believe. This is basically a cartoon. This is what you would do in a cartoon except real life, and it was in a zoo. Yeah.

Okay. Well, my next animal that I'm not looking forward to, little Bobby bringing his pet eel into the veterinarian's office. Eel? An eel. Okay, an electric eel. It's slippery. Yes.

Operating is going to be difficult. It's not exactly friendly. Ursula's not far behind. Yeah, and you don't... My poor little poopsies. I mean, if you have to strap an animal down, that thing's not going to be strapped. You can't strap that down. Oh, no.

No, you can't tape an eel. He just... tame an eel. So an eel's what I'm going with. And then we're moving forward. And I'm going to go with something that's just simply difficult to deal with. And it's a giraffe. Oh, a giraffe is on my list. I have it on my list as well. You know what's not in my veterinarian budget this year?

Scaffolding. I don't have scaffolding in there, and I'm going to need some if I'm going to go up and down that ladder and work on this. Imagine the strep throat of a giraffe. Oh, boy. Dental work. Are you kidding me? Strep throat.

That's a lot of throat. That's a good giraffe joke. Yeah, I mean, just think about how long legs yeah do they not a good question i'm just curious if like it seems like a giraffe should have giraffe shoes on like like like a horse it's got hooves. Yeah, but like... They need Nikes? I don't think they need shoes. No, not Nikes. Like the metal shoes like a horse has.

Why don't they put them on... Oh, because... I mean... You're not riding around on a giraffe. That'd be a lot of fun, though. I know. Did you ever see the video? Like a lifted truck.

You want to spend your day on YouTube. After you do the whole hippo poop thing, there's another video of a very inebriated man leaping off of the edge of a zoo onto the back of a giraffe. Does he make it? Does he land? And he rides it for all of three feet before it chucks him onto the ground. A giraffe can fight, man. Yeah, they do that.

Don't whip that head around. They do that neck fight? Yeah. That's crazy. It's because they have a bad case of strep. But I've got porcupine, eel, giraffe. Mike, it's back to you after a blue whale and a hummingbird. All right.

So I've got the giant creature. I have the tiny creature. And now let's take the perplexing creature of where do you even start if someone brings in a jellyfish? Okay. What are those things even made out of? i don't think you can touch them where yeah well you can't touch the tentacles because you'll get a poisonous sting do they have you have to bring in a plastic bag to replace part of the parts with we lost him but i got you it's ziploc just toss this in the water but what is it what is jellyfish even made out of what is jellyfish i don't know is jellyfish but they're they're alive and they're

eating not after you get done with it exactly they're eating other creatures in the sea wait they're carnivorous oh yeah the the man award what do you think the stingers are doing yeah those are catching little fish i thought I thought it was protecting itself. I guess I never thought about what a jellyfish eats. And they just float along in the ocean. I give you credit because once you said perplexing, the first thing I thought of was a jellyfish. There you go. Because you don't know where's its heart, where's its brain, where's its anything.

It has to have organs. Is it a mist? Does a jellyfish poop? Probably. Probably not the way I poop. From where? Exactly. And the best part is if someone's bringing in their pet jellyfish, they're really distraught, obviously.

Yes. Because their jellyfish is hurting. And they're a psychopath because they have a pet jellyfish. Yeah, and I assume they bring it in kind of holding it like a baby. And you bring it into the veterinarian, and you have to act like you know what you're doing. Yes. You can't pretend. I mean, you've got to pretend.

Let me take a look here. Why don't you go in the other room? We have breaking news from Owl Borland. All right, let's get it. Jellyfish. Wait, so this just says jellyfish-like creatures. So maybe I'm just going to. It is a jellyfish.

Okay, so I'm going to include all jellyfish in this because i maybe i'm just gonna it is a jellyfish okay so i'm gonna include all jellyfish in this because i'm not a doctor uh they sprout a fresh anus every time they poop that's so genius jason's face you don't need your bidet anymore no because every time it's a new one this is fine and you're living in the water, so it's going to be fresh and clean. Something probably eats their- Their anus? Their former anus. Some animal. This is the circle of life.

Oh, man. If you're sprouting a new anus, where's your old one? It feeds- What hemorrhoids? They gone. Yeah. Wow. I shed thee.

I shed thee. To the ocean. Okay. Wow. that's a good one yeah wonderful speaking of butts wait oh also if they come in with the butt problem yeah you say wait yeah i'll take care of this um you're back i am back on the clock you have two picks speaking of butts okay uh i am going to take a skunk okay because yeah you're gonna ruin an office and i don't know you know how like you can't get cat pee smell out of carpet or you you go into a house if you're if you've ever been looking for a home and it smells like cat or dog urine like that that is hard to get out. I cannot imagine my place of business ever recovering from a skunk spray.

That is nature's fart, and I don't want it in my office. No, you could be a vet that specializes in only skunks, too. There's got to be one vet out there that they're known as the skunk specialist. That's true. And I'll bet they're very stinky. Or they just have bad sinuses. They've never been able to smell it. They probably wear hazmats.

It is funny. Have you guys been around skunk before? I've never seen one in a while, but I've done where you're driving through and you're like, okay. It does hit a large area very strongly. Oh, yeah. They're very impressive. Up in northern country here in Arizona, you're like, ah, is that a gas leak?

No, no, that's a skunk that walked one mile from here. Anywhere in a 20-mile radius. Yeah, exactly. There's an animal. So you got a goldfish, a hippo, and a skunk? That's right. What's the last? Well, the last thing is um the devil which is the devil

the devil tarantulas i am not dealing with your pet aquarium tarantula if you bring it in i will first die and then i will come back as a ghost and i will throw that aquarium oh you'll spook him i would never throw the aquarium. It could break and let the thing out. I don't know what I would be able to do. That's an underwater tarantula that Jace is talking about. Oh, man. Wait, is it not?

It's a terrarium. Oh. Is there a different word if it's not underwater? Yeah, aqua involves water. Well, no, I get that. I get that. But I thought there's like you go to an aquarium department. Yeah, it's the same thing.

It's the same actual thing I'm buying. I just don't fill it with water it's glass which is yeah i mean makes it slightly different but i get what you're saying yeah words are important here yeah i'm just saying that you don't ever put things that don't go in water in an aquarium you put them into a terrarium that's easy easy. You got a good point. Look, it's just a word. Is there any difference in the construction? No, probably not. I mean, yeah, a little bit, maybe, if you happen to aerate the water or whatever an aquarium does. But you're telling me I can't go to a store and buy an aquarium

and then put a mouth-breathing thing in there? You could do that, Jay. Yes, you could. You could do whatever you want. Yeah. Okay, so you're done.antula mike final pick all right i've got another animal where if it's got some kind of heart problem it's gonna be quite difficult to get into this thing i'm going to need some sort of powered saw. Whoa. If someone brings in their tortoise,

how am I getting in there? You're breaking the shell open? You've got to cut it open, right? You should probably go from the underside. Yeah, that was pretty clear. Why is he taking that chainsaw? Go from the belly, Mike. Yeah, but what if

you've got to go through the top? He's got a drill. Well, all the most important organs are in the shell. Which, fun fact about turtles. Oh, no, not another anus thing, is it? No, no, it's not an anus. Apparently, a turtle shell is not a shell at all. Oh, don't do this.

I hate to bring this up. Actually, I'd love to bring it up because it's fun fact it's a it's a set of modified ribs i hate people like you yeah what is the difference between a tomato's a fruit it's it is a fusion of modified ribs and vertebrae and shoulders. In a shell shape. Wait, what is? The shell. Yeah. There you go. I love it.

I love it. What is the shell composed of, Jason? Bone. Yeah, ribs. I'd like working on the tortoise because I know it's not getting away from me. Yeah, that's true. It's like I could leave the room for like a full coffee break and I come back and it's like three feet further.

I'm making an escape. All right. Porcupine, eel, giraffe. My final pick. It's a Cobra. Yeah. Black Mamba was on my list. Yeah, I don't want to mess with that.

I feel like the more intimidating it looks, it's even going to be worse. So the Cobra's where I'm going with. You got fangs in there. I don't want to mess with that. I know that they're valuable. I'll probably siphon off a little of that venom and sell it. I mean, it can make some serious money. But no no i don't want to mess with a cobra not today not tomorrow it's fair it's a fair point all right are there any uh it's like you now glaring omissions

do we know how the uh uh do they does the snake venom ready to go at all times, or is this like... Oh, like once you puncture? I'm like you accidentally poke the fang of an unconscious mamba. Are you getting injected? I don't think so. It has to act as part of the bite. They milk them. Yeah, so like you have... Like over a jar.

Right. You've seen that, right? Yeah, yeah, yes. I have seen... That's how you... For the antivenom and stuff, but the snake is conscious for that stuff, right? I think it is, yeah. So is it actively pumping out the venom?

I think there's a gland that releases that, yeah. Okay. I'm just making sure there's not like one slip. I'll let you know when someone brings one in later today. Any glaring omissions, Al? Do you see anything that you really don't want to work on? You got all the ones that came to my mind. I had a couple others. I mean, I had the the rhino but i didn't want to really piggyback

the 10 000 pound animal poison frogs i figure aren't a good time no they're all they they start ugly and then they're poisonous i had a octopus because they have two hearts oh you could do it wrong that's double trouble and then uh you kind of alluded to it of like when you're the vet, the stakes are high. So I just had a dog because I'm not carrying that. Oh, a beloved dog. I'm not carrying that weight. I've got a lion and shark, of course, because those are just things that can kill you. Honey badger because it don't care.

Oh, yeah. And then similar. A honey badger is not paying for care. And then cats because I just don't want to help them. That's real. I just don't want to be responsible for actually helping a cat. They come in with a broken nail, and you're like, we do need to put the cat down.

We had to put your cat down. I did it for free. Don't worry. You owe me nothing. Let me check on this. Walks to the back. There was nothing we could do. We go to a vet that every time a dog has to get put down,

they actually do come out and give you a goldfish on the way out. Here you go. All right. I had a grizzly bear. I figured it was a problem. That'd be dangerous. Yeah. What did we learn today?

Oh, man. Did we learn something about a jellyfish? You want that one, Mike? Oh, yeah. I learned that zebras are very inquisitive. Huh? Huh? And I learned that Jason much prefers the very harrowing, quick demise of a plane crash

instead of the slow, hopeful sinking into the ocean. The hopeful sinking? I hope one day I may sink to the bottom of this great sea. Which one are you more famous for? Surviving a plane crash or surviving a sinking ship? I think it's a ship. I was going to go plane. Hey, tell your friends about the show.

Or else. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out