Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 194: Twerking Grandma & Activities That Will Ruin Your Day - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 9, 2022

Today we talk all about chemical explosions, recorder concerts, dairy farming, and Andy’s pointy nose. And we are sure to make your day seem better when we close it down with a draft of the worst activities to ruin your day. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, ba-ding-a-da, bang, bang. Oh, for those listening and not watching on YouTube, I wondered what was coming because he cups the mic cups the mic. He wanted he wanted the heavy bass. Oh man. I was like what are you about to do. And you didn't disappoint. I mean you disappointed like your family. But you didn't disappoint us. Welcome into the spitballers back again. I don't know how Mike felt about it. I think he's figuring that out right now.

It may take a while. I don't think we'll ever know. Just let it wash over you. I tried. I tried. Boom, boom, boom. Would you rather the Situation Room? We are drafting activities that will ruin your day

because there are things that happen that can happen that will just, uh, it's not a day you want to remember. Oh, they suck. Yeah. I hate when all of the things on my list happen. I hate it.

And I don't, it just ruins everything. And we did a draft a while back on, you know, activities for a perfect day, something to make your day go right. So why not do the inverse? Got to balance things out.

Yeah. At spitballers pod on Twitter, spitballers pod.com is the website if you want to support the show. And YouTube.com slash Spitballers if you want to watch it. Let's kick it off. Would you rather? Betsy from Twitter. Would you rather be the principal or a janitor of a middle school if you were paid the exact same for either position oh how funny not a lot of betsy's out there anymore no i'm it's good to hear from one of them yeah i do know a betsy do you i do you know a bet that we call Betsy. So I know two Betsy.

Oh, this is someone else? I only know one Betsy, and it's Betsy Ross. That's it. That's the only Betsy I know. You know Betsy Ross? I did. Did. Did.

Yeah. Jason, she's... No, my kid's vocal director is named Betsy. Really? She's young. How do you have a vocal director at the age of 85? Well, that's why I said she's young, How do you have a vocal director at the age of 85? Well, that's why I said she's young, because you assume that if she's named Betsy, she's got to be 85, because

people don't name people Betsy anymore. And there's nothing really wrong with the name Betsy. No, it's a fine name. It's just not. Dolores is great, but it's not done anymore. No, I wonder if Betsy's going to come back. Probably now it'll come back around because of the show. Betsy from Twitter, though, wants to know. We do have impact. Especially on children's names. The janitor or the principal, if you're paid the same amount of money,

what's the better gig? What is the better gig? The principal job is very high stakes. You are. I'm the janitor times a million. Yeah, I was going to get there. Sorry. Sorry.

I just realized there's no way I want to deal with parents. Exactly. And the parents aren't going to come complain to the janitor. The parents complaining to the principal, they are going to be some highly opinionated people who want to share that opinion in a very angry way. With unadulterated bias. Yes. Towards their child, which for the record, I have towards my children. But I know that that's the worst thing in the world is having tons of outside influences,

not being able to please anybody. Nobody's happy with you. The middle schoolers, they just tell stories about you, all the rumors that you hear. The amount of names that you are called behind your back is incalculable. And the janitor would hear all those names because they're in the bathroom when they're being told. You can say the names if you're the janitor.

You know what I mean? You can help come up with them. I think a principal is an unheralded firefighter. Firefighters, they don't deal with good things. Their whole job is to deal with problems, fires, people calling 911. It's nightmare after nightmare, but thank goodness for firefighters. They are awesome. They are amazing people.

The only thing principals deal with is fires just problems they don't have like parents coming up being like you're just i just wanted to stop in today and be like great job you're doing good work no they suspend kids all the time they have to have those uncomfortable conversations with the troubled kids that are like you know but there's no there's no heralding them no there's all i think all there might be a principal of the year, but they, you know, it's few and far between. Yeah. I mean, now let's talk about the glory of the janitor.

I mean, if you're paid a principal's wage, if you do a bad job, let's say you do a bad job as janitor. I don't think anybody knows. I don't think anybody cares. They, they care and they know. Not really. Cause you're not the only janitor. I don't think anybody knows. I don't think anybody cares. They care and they know. Not really. Because you're not the only janitor. There's not one janitor in school.

You know what I mean? I do have a janitorial strategy. And that would be to abuse the level of chemicals that they provide me. Because I somehow feel like that just makes things cleaner. You know, I'm not going to be sparing the supply. I'm going to spray a lot more than I need to spray.

You remember how kids in grade school, they throw up and the throw up would be summer. And then every the janitors always had some sort of thing that they they poured onto the throw up because it made it absorb and then they'd scoop it up. You know what I'm talking about? What, like some granola? It's like a powder. It's a powder. Oh, okay.

Former janitor in the house. Working at a movie theater. Yes. And so you put the powder down, and it absorbs the moisture, right? And then you have to sweep it up. Can we get this at home? And I put this stuff everywhere. You could just use cat litter.

It does the same thing. It basically is the same thing. Yeah. Why doesn't every home in America have- Why don't we make our floors out of this? Well, we're not puking all over the floors as often as people did at school. School is just- Higher ratio of puking.

Yeah. You just don't know. There's no safe place. You think you need to puke at school. You don't know where to go. When you were a wee lad- Yeah. You witnessed a lot of the puking?

Oh, there was always a- Oh, if someone puked in there, you'd smell it. Oh, gosh. Really? Yeah. There are people puking all the time. There was certainly a couple instances that I can recall growing up, but not a lot. You didn't go to our cafeteria. I guess not.

Yeah, I remember a handful of- Chicken fried steak. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Super good. Oh, yeah. You know-. Super good. Oh, yeah. You know... What's a chicken finger, Mike?

You got to be careful with abusing those chemicals, though. Because... But it smells clean. When I was a 14-year-old boy... Oh, it burns. It's so clean. I almost died from accidentally mixing chemicals when I was cleaning. I was at a...

Okay, what could have been? My father was like... You got a Breaking Bad situation going on here? Working at a church, yes. It was exactly. I didn't have the gas mask on. I didn't know I needed one. I was in like a little janitor closet.

The door was shut. Not good. And I was filling the mop bucket. And I'm pouring in bleach and I'm... I don't know what i'm doing i'm a kid who sent you to do this my father it was his job i think at the time and and he's like well just taking insurance learn some work and so you know i was helping i was i was helping out and right and i i just grabbed different bottles and i was doing the andy

holloway oh you're mixing them together i'm not spare no expense i don't i'm not you know i was And I just grabbed different bottles, and I was doing the Andy Holloway special here. Oh, mixing them together. I'm not, spare no expense. I'm not, you know, it's like 2% water, and the rest were all chemicals in this bucket. I was going to mop the heck out of that place. So when you say you almost died, did you pass out? It literally started, like, smoking, but I didn't even realize. Oh, no.

It was going up, and my eyes started burning and my nose and and then it was like i couldn't open the door right away and i was like i i felt like this is this is how i uh this is it this is it i had a good 14 year run on planet earth but be i'm just saying kids be careful uh with with your cleaning. I think as a janitor, you can probably have earbuds in the whole day. I think that is that, Brooks, did you have a high amount of earbud use in your previous profession? I may have discovered the Fantasy Footballers podcast while working. Nicely done. Now, I mean, the janitor, most of your work is when the children are gone, though, right?

Yeah. I mean, the janitor, most of your work is when the children are gone, though, right? Yeah. You probably have to have some people on deck just in case there's all of this vomiting happening. Yeah. But I would think that you're kind of left to your own devices of just it's after hours, make sure the school's clean. Yeah. That's not too bad.

It's a pretty sweet gig. I think the problem is the pay. Right. I cannot imagine that there's a good wage there. But if you're paid like a principal... Yeah, sign me up. Okay, we're all cleaning. I just wanted the record to say, I am cleaning very poorly. I am barely

doing this job. Whatever to not get fired and nothing more. Really, to be discovered as a bad janitor, somebody has to go and inspect the kids' bathrooms. I mean, who's doing that? Right. The janitor does that.

Right. It's a little bit of a... No, it's good. I checked. It's clean in there. It's good. Don't worry about it. Sarah from the website, plain and simple,

would you rather go skydiving or bungee jumping? Oh, easy. I'm a skydiver. Oh, heck yeah. I think, and I don't know this to be true, but I say this to be true. Far more people die in bungee jumping than in skydiver. Oh, heck yeah. I think, and I don't know this to be true, but I say this to be true. Far more people die in bungee jumping than in skydiving. I claim that as a fact.

That's just an adjacent more approved fact. I have said that to my kids as a fact without looking this up, verifying anything. Wait, having said the lie before makes it a more valid lie now? I have no idea that's a lie. I believe it to be true i've just right that's what i'm saying wouldn't you think that more people skydive in totality than bungee jump in the world because that could that could swing it yes now i don't usually use it in totals but it's like it's more common to die bungee jumping so percentage of bungee jumping deaths per bungee jumper

i believe to be higher than skydivers do you want to live in your current state of opinion or do you want the facts your unverified facts because we have the facts you do have the facts yeah we do oh tell me i'm right al borland can share the facts with you i'll give it to me uh yeah it says that bungee jumping sports the same fatality rate, which is 1 in 500,000. And when it comes to safety, bungee jumping and skydiving are right on par with each other. So I'm right. That's great. The way that I took that information was that I am not wrong.

Which is good enough. Which is good enough. And so, kids, don't bungee jump. It's very dangerous i was always told growing up that it's you get back problems because when you reach you know the very bottom of of the jump the bungee jump that so the cord is at maximum tension and your spine it the the all the discs slightly separate and then when they come back down, they may not be aligned properly. This was the tale that I was told of why I should never bungee jump.

That's funny because for that picture to have the spine really elongate and then come back together is like, is the bungee rope tied to your head? No, it's on your... I know, but if it's on your back... No, if it's on your feet, it's the same thing. Is it on your feet? Yes. That's where they tie it? What do you think, your neck?

No, I thought, like, around the waist, like a harness. No, it's your feet. Oh, that would be terrible. Your neck would be toast. It is on your feet, isn't it? Well, that makes a lot more sense. Okay. What did you think people were doing?

I don't, I'm not, just full disclosure, I have not bungee jumped, nor watched someone bungee jump other than like a YouTube video flying past me. Yeah, I mean, both of them are things that the organizations that provide this service, skydiving and bungee jumping, they need to be pretty certain you're not going to be killed during them so i mean they're both relatively it makes sense that they're similarly safe like an accident can happen because it's a zero sum game but um one in 500 000 seems really good i don't want i can't envision like the initial bungee jump would be fun but from the moment that you begin to be pulled back up, is it then fun for the evening out, like the rest of the bungee jump when you're just dangling? I would imagine so.

That's still fun? By your feet. You're hanging upside down like a bat. I hate hanging upside down. Oh, you don't hang upside down that often, do you? No, because I hate it i just told you that's the only reason why that's it what what circumstances in your life are you hanging upside down okay hanging upside down is hyperbolic but whenever you're like you know your your head

is whenever like you have to bend over to tie your shoes is this what we're talking about no when your head is like all the way at the bottom if i I'm hanging off a bed or something, you know what I mean? Like where all the blood rushes to my head. We've all been in situations where your head is the most. Are you talking about where you plop on the bed and then you let the head go over the edge? Yeah, but like your whole body. You do that for fun?

Well, no, because I don't like it. We've established this. But you think other people do it for fun. I'm saying that whenever my head is the lowest point of my body, I hate the feeling of blood rushing to my head. And if you bungee jump, the entire time from go to being hauled up, you're upside down. Yeah, but the only people who are hanging over the bed like that,

that's preteen girls who are at a slumber party calling. Oh, yeah. On the phone. Yeah. And they're kicking their feet and just having so much fun. And the inversion tables. That's the other situation. Which, by the way, someone told me I could fix my whole back with an inversion table.

How'd it go? It was awful because the blood was rushing to my head. Right? Yes! It was unbearable. Thank you. I mean, it was just, I can't do this oh my goodness I feel like I'm gonna pop that's exactly what I'm talking about so now how long does it take you to be wheeled up I mean it's usually bungee jumps or why don't they go down they take you down I believe they

send you down no I don't know I don't know what they do have you bungee jumped out no I haven't I feel pretty confident that so you Notice I didn't even ask Brooks. That when it's done, they take you to the bottom. That is completely unacceptable. That means that there is a length of this cord that can reach the bottom. That is no bueno. That is a good point. That is a strong, valid point.

I think they might pull you up. I don't know. All right. I'll get on that. We need to know. Actually, they just do the scissor cut once you're dangling if it's over a body of water um the the the difference here is like one of these things jumping off a bridge is like like if you're seeking thrills okay that's cool but it seems like the poor man's version of jumping out of an airplane right you just can't

get up thousands of feet higher it's one's just cooler right yeah but at least with with the bungee jump when you get launched back up you're gonna have that point of of complete weightlessness as you know gravity balancing balances things out and pulls you back down. I think that's the thrill I'm looking for. I wanted to say that base jumping would be the best because you're up there. But then I started thinking about it, right? And I started thinking about jumping off the edge. And then that little feeling in my undercarriage started to go. Sitting here right now just envisioning the height scare.

I can't imagine being that high. Watching people that climb up to those crazy high towers, like on YouTube. right now just envisioning the height scare i can't imagine being that high watching people that climb up to those crazy high towers like on youtube yes oh man i am full clenched down i am i cannot watch these videos without really barely go over a bump in a car yeah uh the answer is uh skydiving is that betsy we also we got the answer. No, that's not Betsy. That's Sarah. It depends on the operation. Sometimes they pull you up. Sometimes they cut the rope.

Do you think that if you got into one of those situations, either one, you've made the decision, I'm going to do it. I'm going to be a thrill seeker today. I'm finally going to do it. Do you think that if you got into it and you started getting a bad vibe of the people running it,

but you're already committed, right? You paid your money, right? You're up in the plane, but you just kind of don't like the, the people that you're with. You're just like these guys,

they don't sound like they know what they're doing. Would you have the guts to pull out or would you just be like, I'm, I'm in it. I got to jump. That is, that's, I don't know. Cause you know, the social pressure there of just like, I'm in it. I got to jump. That is, that's. I don't know.

Because you know the social pressure there of just like. Well, and it's not just the pressure of the moment. I mean, that's now something you have to live with because. Or not. I'm saying if you bail out on the jump, once the plane lands and you are no longer actively looking at jumping out of an airplane and kind of rational thought comes back to you you're gonna you're gonna say well maybe that was just me being scared and you're gonna live say that the fear overtook me and didn't let me do the joke one in 500 000 you wimp that's what i would say to that guy uh more likely to be killed by

being stung by a bee or struck by lightning than during tandem skydiving. Could have told you that. Because one of the big keys there is that your tandem skydiver also not interested in dying. Right. And it's his job. Yeah.

All right. Jonathan from Patreon says, Would you rather teach a water aerobics class to high school students or a hip-hop dance class at a nursing home? Your pupils must perform the routine. Your name will be proudly displayed as the director. I have a whole world I could get into around this question. Which side of it?

The side where to learn something, there must be an obligatory performance at the end that people have to attend. Because we are knee deep, and I mean, we are inching very, very close to a mandatory recorder performance at our kids' school. Oh! And I, you talk about things to ruin a perfect day.

Listening to the recorder? I have tried to conceive the way out of this thing. I mean, my son is supposed to be practicing his recorder regularly. The recorder is not an instrument that is ever used. And there's going to be a number of kids performing this. It's all recorders? All recorders. Oh, man.

What a nightmare. And mandatory attendance by the children for their grade. What about the parents? Which means the parents must come. Well, you got to take the kids down there. Drop them off. Oh, yeah. Just at the corner.

Don't even get to the parking lot. Yeah. I'll pick. Just at the corner. Don't even get to the parking lot. Oh, and hit the Starbucks? Yeah. I'll pick you up at 830. There's a Dunkin' Donuts very close to where they're performing. I think you've got your- You've given me an idea. But anyways, the point is, is like when you teach these things, there's always a performance at the end.

It's supposed to show what you know. What's your best chance of success here? My best chance of success is with the students. Because- Really? With the water aerobics? Yeah, definitely. They're going to be worse, misbehaved, harder to corral and listen.

But hip-hop dancing takes some muscle, some ability to move. Takes some skills. The old folk home trying to get these people who probably have walkers are you worried about them are you worried about yourself i'm worried about the my perception of how good i have done as a people i can't give old people the benefit of the doubt they do not give teenagers the benefit of the doubt i don't need them to give them the benefit of the doubt my aerobics is gonna be amazing they're not gonna do it i'm all in on the old people man you get some grandmas and grandpas just booty popping pop lock and drop they don't have to do much to get an applause i

mean like you oh that's true i mean you got the cheap way out there grandma twerking is just going to be it's going to be a riot it's going to be so funny and when one of the teenagers drowns you're going to look real dumb i have never like i i totally get it the the the easy way out on the old person doing something that is inappropriate they shouldn't you know you watch a comedy movie you got an old lady who's cursing or whatever cheap laugh i i have never found those things funny i'm so you know i I look down upon your hip hop class, Mike. Oh. And I look at these old ladies that you've got twerking and I think, what a hack.

What an absolute hack. I tell the old people in the middle of the performance, if the claps aren't coming, you just pop the, you know, pop the teeth out. Give them the gums. You know what I mean? Give them the gums. More gyrations, grandpa. Show them your peachy gums you know what i mean give him the gums more gyrations grandpa show him your peachy gums are we uh do we have time for another would you rather or should we move on we got time

for one more okay sam from patreon would you rather live in a penthouse in the middle of a bustling downtown or in a luxurious mansion in the middle of nowhere? This is a question I have realistically asked myself many times because when I see a House Hunters type of a show or whatever, but they're in the city. They're in the heart of Chicago, and it's a really nice condo, and you're 50 floors up. Your views are you can see for miles and miles and you're in it you are in all of the action and you're like that sounds like that would be so incredible until you realize

you're in the middle of all the action it's incredible awful those people are never, ever going away. But now we have this joke in our family. My wife found this incredible Telluride mountain mansion, and she'll just randomly send me this link. Whenever life is overwhelming. Like it's the dream home? It's not even the dream home. It's the isolation home. Like the world around you is crazy.

So this mansion in the middle of nowhere is the, it'll solve everything. But you look at it on a map and there's nothing. It's beautiful, but there's nothing for miles and miles and miles. And it snows there. And then it's like, I need my Amazon. And then like, how do I get my Instacart? Don't think it's coming to your mansion in the middle of nowhere. There's a lot of legwork to get supplied at the mansion.

Yeah, this is really tough. At first I was immediately give me the mansion away from everybody because I'm a home buddy. I like being at home with the family doing stuff. I want room. I want to sprawl. You might have the penthouse, which is more room than the, you know, average Manhattan flat, but it's still going to be tight, tight spaces, smaller area. So I was like, I want the larger luxury mansion, but the reality of how hard life would be in the middle of nowhere. Like, I think it would really suck.

It would be some of that work your dad was trying to teach you when he locked you in the chemical closet. Yeah. You would need to do some, definitely a lot of work to get it going yeah i mean grocery shopping restaurants all like normal life stuff you'd have to end up doing yeah it would be awful so i'm i think i'm going i think i'm going up i think i'm going to the top floor i think i yeah i think i'm doing that too i think i too. I want the option for action. I might just stay in the penthouse all the time. Yeah, you could.

But I want the option. And if it's high enough, maybe a little base jumping to get down to the city. Ooh. Do I have a heli- Do I have a helipad? Yeah, you can get out on a helipad. I mean, how boss would that be? That'd be awesome.

If you're like, take me from the airport. Just bring me home, good sir. Drop me off on the roof. I'm thinking your odds of dying in a helicopter are higher than the skydiving and the bungee jumping. Owl, look it up. I don't need to. That's true. Yeah.

In the meantime, let's move on to the situation room. Spit wads let's talk about hello fresh where you get farm fresh pre-portioned ingredients seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep and then you eat them i love that part yeah that part's good uh you can skip the trips to the grocery store you can count on hello fresh to make home cooking fun easy affordable that's why it is the number one meal kit in America. You can add items from the HelloFresh market, like lemon ricotta pancakes or fresh macarons. I can't pronounce it, but it's delicious.

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and three free gifts. The Situation Realm. I do appreciate, Al, that you just know facts without looking them up. That's what a real man does. All right. Do you have a favorite of these four situations that have

been submitted to us, Al? I have not reviewed them, so I just thought I'd maybe, you know, toss it over to you to pick one. Nah, they're all good. Go in order. Okay, this one is a big one. Hutch from Twitter says, you three are given a full

four foot diameter water balloon. That's four inch. Four inch diameter water balloon. You must stand in a... Four foot water balloon? You must stand in a triangle starting about one foot apart from each other. You must pass the balloon to each other

until it is back at the starting spot each full rotation the balloon makes you receive ten thousand dollars and then you each take one step backwards all right you can tap out at any point and take the cash and run but if the balloon pops or hits the ground you lose it all how far do you think you can make it and at what point do you think you would bow out so there's just we each have a water balloon so we're all simultaneously no no one one you throw it i got thrown off to me i throw to you and each rotation dollars ten thousand for the group not each and then we take but it's one step per rotation backwards? Correct.

I don't think we're going that far. Wow, we had exact opposite thoughts. I don't want to find very far. There's too many variables at the water balloon, man. There's the throw and the catch, obviously, but this thing is, I don't know if you know this, it's filled with water. I really believe in our skills at this. I think we could do excellent work. Can I make a comment that might offend one of the three of us?

Yes. I'm worried about a weak link in this situation. And I think it will be Mike. Oh, okay. I'm not sure. No offense, Mike, but I mean, some offense. I don't know if you've got quite the left. Like Jason, I feel like me and Jason could go for a long time,

but I broke your thumb with a football once, and it's thrown into question whether you got what it takes to catch this water balloon. Interesting. It is a completely different skill set of catching a water balloon. You won't break your thumb. That's true. Yes, and it will not be an over-the-shoulder catch. Right.

Well, maybe, you know, it could be. When you back up enough, eventually, don't think that the throw's going to be perfect. That's one of the mistakes here. The throw could be throwing a water balloon. You know what? Back in the day. I don't have experience.

Back in the day, I would have agreed with you. Back in the Honey Badgers football playing days. Okay. But over the last several years, we have pickleballed so much i mean i know i know it's not catching and throwing a ball but it still is mike has become an athlete mike used to not be an athlete he was an asthmatic that's that's what we called him that's a different word right um but now i feel like the hand-eye coordination the practice correct me if i'm wrong i'm just saying like i think we'd how far would you go

i would go i think the number that came to my head was 10 feet i think we can get through 10 10 steps a hundred thousand dollars because think about you know think about yeah we can do this is this a good quality water balloon is this gonna pop yeah pop? It's only four inches, so it's not overinflated. You'd have to throw it pretty hard. You think 10 feet, which means 10 steps, which means 100 grand? That's right. I can get behind that. I'm willing to go that far.

Beyond that, that would be tough to throw away 100 grand. Five feet, that's easy. You could almost hand that to each other. Nine feet, 10 feet is going to be suspenseful. You know what I mean that's you could almost you could almost hand that to each other nine okay you're right you're right nine feet ten feet is gonna be suspenseful you know what I mean right when you're at 10 you're gonna be so angry at the person that screws up yeah the real hard part what if it was 10k per throw because then it's like really on somebody for failing and you're like because a full rotation that's three full completion like would you take more chances if it's just one more throw for 10k if it's 10k per throw though you would have so much money five feet yeah okay i i think i think mike's

right i think a hundred thousand dollars is a big enough number to say walk away we're good that's really only 33 000 each i know but it's you know our powers combined we'll plan it captain planet this into a hundred thousand dollars and you could get to 10 and go want you want more well i'm just saying you gotta you gotta know when to fold them man you gotta you'll know anger at the person that fails either via throw or catch yeah would be tremendous now what if the catcher really genuinely is blaming the thrower who does not think they made a bad throw, and now the show is over because friendships have been destroyed?

Which apparently I almost did just now. Because of money. No, that would be tough. I mean, I would – can you hedge these bets? No, you can't hedge. What? Well, I just mean, like, I'll bet you 10,000 you won't catch this. Do you know what I mean?

Because if he catches it, I got the money to pay him. I see. But that would be pretty bad if you dropped it and had to pay 10K. All right. Kyra from the website, like Keanu Reeves in Speed, you're forced to continually eat or a bomb goes off. Have you seen speed? What food are you

chowing down to save the world? Just like in speed. And how long before we all die? Okay, so we're forced... Because you die eventually. I mean, this bomb's going on. Yeah, I've seen seven. So you eat until the bomb goes off.

So this is just a, what food? But I mean, people are, the thought process here is you're eating and maybe you're saving some people's lives. But so we need to define some parameters here. So by eating, it's just like I'm in the act of chewing or placing another piece of food into my mouth, right? Yeah. It's a continuous, you can't be stopping and taking breaks and cleaning your hands.

I think the first thing that comes to my mind is I'm looking for low carb. Okay, for fill, you don't want to be too filled. Exactly, I want to last a long time here. And I feel like both fats and carbs are going to really fill me up quicker. Yeah, I thought about peanuts, but I think you're going to get full. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that'll fill you up eventually. What about popcorn?

So you're looking at size. You're looking at something small. Yeah, well, I want to be able to just continually go through. Are you one-kerneling at a time? Yeah, of course I'm one-kerneling. What? How would that not be allowed? I'm eating.

I wonder how long. That's the crazy thing is if you were eating popcorn. One kernel at a time yeah of course i'm one kerneling what how would that not be allowed i'm eating i wonder how long that's the crazy thing is if you were eating popcorn one kernel at a time one or two pieces at a time like popcorn like how long until you die it seems like you could do it forever like you could eat it slow enough to be pushing it out the other side i think so could you permanently eat popcorn are you saying like you're in a permaloop of what like you're eating you're you're eating on the toilet yeah you're eating on the toilet which frankly theaters think about this go on you don't have to start on the toilet eventually you will be forced to move there because of all the popcorn um and then that popcorn now the problem is popcorn doesn't digest well no i mean no it gives me

diarrhea right all right it gets out quicker um that's true less effort yeah could you could you be in kind of a permanent eating loop with certain foods uh i mean certain foods absolutely huh like hungry howie's pizza permanent loopermanent lube? Oh, man. Goes right through. Oh, yeah. I don't know what's in there, but it's just straight through. Now, I know that traditionally having a colostomy bag has been considered not desirable. Okay.

It's not glamorous. It's not glamorous, nor it's not being opted into. No. However, would that help the situation? I don't think so. No, no no you could keep up the eating now eating would not be fun without getting full right because if you if you eat and don't i mean this is why like regular ice cream is better than frozen yogurt because you feel the fullness so like if you were eating wait and it was going that's that's the fun is you feel full i. So like if you were eating, wait, and it was going, that's the fun is you feel full. That's the worst part of eating.

I'm making the content. It stops me from eating. No, but look, look, look, look, you guys are both very wrong here.

And if you were, what, if you were thinking about this, part of what makes eating good is not just tasting it in your mouth. It's swallowing and feeling like you're being satisfied. It's not just tasting it. Yes, it is. Yeah, it's totally just tasting it.

Oh, it's the taste. Yeah. Ice cream is better because it tastes good. Yeah, way better than stupid frozen yogurt. Yeah. Because of how it tastes? I think that if you're – my point is if you're eating, and let's say immediately there's a system,

that on the way down the esophagus, it just goes into a bucket. You're not going to enjoy eating very much. Like a skeleton? Sure, Mike. Yeah, I mean, you're not going to enjoy eating because hitting the stomach is part of it. Okay, you're saying because in your situation you can't taste the food? No.

Well, then you're wrong because that's the only thing that matters. You can taste the food. Yeah, but that's all that matters. That's the best part. The best part. I don't care about getting full other than the urge to eat. I think you're both wrong because hunger is satisfied not by the taste. Your hunger is satisfied by it hitting your stomach and you feeling like that was delicious

holistically, not just the taste. Sure, but I have never had a point where I'm eating something that's very delicious and I want to keep eating it. And I'm like, man, you know, if only – hold on. So I get full and that stops me from eating the delicious thing that I want to continue to eat, but I can't. So I have to push it away and say, oh, I can't fit any more of this in my tummy. And I want to. I think it just it away and say, oh, I can't fit anymore of this in my tummy, and I want to.

I think it just works together. No, no, no. You're telling me that if you were hungry and you ate food and it did not satisfy your hunger, you're content? Oh, no. Okay. But the best part... Contentment isn't what we're after. I'm after

delicious taste. Deliciousness. That's right. Well, you have made that argument different, but I was simply saying that that's a big part of it. Also, don't do that again. Do not get your hunger into the microphone. This is not an ASMR show. Did the producers want to weigh in at all on that discussion?

I'm with Mike and Jason. Yes. So you don't think you need to be satisfied by the food? I want to be satisfied by the food but i'm satisfied by the taste enough yeah if it tastes good yeah i'm just saying like eating because i'm not full when you said that the best but the reason ice cream is better than yogurt is that you get full on both my life well i don't i don't really get full, but I know what you mean. That's impressive. Popcorn is the answer though, right?

Aaron? I think so. I don't know if popcorn is the answer. I mean, you might as well have like little bits of peanuts or something like that. Popcorn is probably going to do more damage downstairs.

Definitely. Yeah. I mean, you don't need... Do you know how much butter I'm putting on this popcorn? I mean, the kernel, all of that's not meant to be digested. There's little pieces of that that's just, we won't go on.

That was Kira's question. I actually think it would be an almond. Almonds. Oh, they'll fill you up, brother. That'll fill you up. But when you eat one almond, it can take five minutes to get that thing like you're saying chew time yeah chew time like a piece of popcorn you put a piece of popcorn in your mouth you're done the next one's got to be on its way i can i can eat and i have to eat an almond for like a minute for an hour it gets

it gets what does it do in your mouth it gets all up in your teeth and is that part of the eating process is picking the picking it out of your teeth? No, I don't think so. It doesn't count. You got to be active chewing. Yeah, I like that strategy. Aaron from Patreon, you are given a one-time option to replace any percentage of your memories with real-world valuable knowledge. But you don't know which memories will be erased or which skills and knowledge you will obtain,

what percentage do you opt into? 10% is a given. I'm a zero. Yeah, see, I will easily do 10%. You're willing to randomly lose 10% of your memories for a random amount of other knowledge. Well, that makes sense because you have so little knowledge now that you need something.

I need some knowledge and i think that the 10 percent would be would be worth it and you're on your way there to the rest of society it's like you know 10 it's filled you know you could be a dairy farmer now like are you going to be super disappointed will you be when you're like of course you won't know what you forgot i i would be pretty disappointed on that but it says doesn't it say like it that it's real world valuable knowledge that's okay let me ask you a question how long did you date your wife you think we're surviving without our dairy farmers dairy farming knowledge is not real world valuable knowledge to me i think our jobs are not real world valuable knowledge to me.

I think our jobs are not real world valuable knowledge. How long did you date your wife before you got married? Three or four years. Three or four years? Why don't you pick one? Let's go. You're the best at knowing this compared to me, so you make the decision. Let's go three. Three years, and you are, let's call it 40?

Sure. three three years and you are let's call it 40 sure um so that's seven and a half percent of your life that was that period of time and i assume you would not want to lose those memories i've already forgot them man okay all right i live in a state do you did you hear how i didn't know how long we dated you can't lose that's fair that's a good point i know i know so this is that can't be gone then no that can't be gone because it's already not there but i know how long we dated. You can't lose them. That's fair. That's a good point. I know. I know. So this is. That can't be gone then. No, that can't be gone because it's already not there. But I know how to live a life where I don't remember my memories. I don't remember my childhood.

I'm fine with that. But that means that there's stuff that you are not fine losing. The birth of your children. Remember that? But when I lose it, I won't know no better. I'll be fine having lost it. But your kids will be like, remember when I was born, daddy? And you'll be like, no. know no better i'll be fine but your kids will be like remember when i was born daddy and you'd be like no right and i'll be like no that's and

you say but you know how to milk a cow i know how to do it let me let me show you where's betsy i i guess look betsy's name is cow yeah okay we just figured it out because betsy is now a county you bet it is yeah sorry betsy um come here betsy thank you for listening to the show different betsy the cow betsy the cow uh am i being am i wrong here to say zero percent like i guess zero percent was my your answer to was my initial reaction but jason makes a good point like i have forgotten a lot and you're fine with the memories you've forgotten you would still have 90 percent of your 90 percent of everything you remember but i could weld but you could weld exactly right i

don't know man i think i'm sticking at zero oh man i want to build something or milk something you can learn how to do it yeah i'm instantly that's the premise you're telling me you could go learn right now go get in that chemical closet and learn something. All right. It's time to draft. Did you know that browsing online using incognito mode doesn't actually protect your privacy? That's right. Without added security, you might as well give away all your private data to hackers,

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And I don't know if there's a 101. I thought about this before the draft. I have the 101. But there's just one I'm going to go with. And it's diarrhea. I think diarrhea has the just all-en encompassing ability to ruin your day physically. Yeah. And your schedule's out the door.

Oh, how was, how was your day yesterday? Oh man. My evening was ruined. Did you have to use one of those circle pillow thingies today? No. Cause we got some,

um, look, diarrhea is just, it's going to ruin your day because not only when it happens, you're worried that it's going to happen again, right? There's always that period of like. Yes. There's some amount of hours where you're on high alert. Maybe the fire's not burning, but the embers are there. How long is this car ride? Yeah.

Oh. I can't risk that. So just scheduling, planning, doing anything. Diarrhea is going to end it. So that's my 101. My 101 was going to be crap your pants. Okay. All right.

So I think that's basically what you were trying to accomplish over there. Yeah, thank you for validating that. With the diarrhea. So I will go. Dang, I thought you would go with clearly something else. So I'm a little tilted over here. The second pick. Yeah. Well, I just want anything but diarrhea. I was literally anything in the world to ruin your day. He's had a lot of days ruined by crapping his pants. I'm not chasing. I'm going to go with the DMV.

It's the classic for a reason because it's a very shared experience that everyone, if you've operated a motor vehicle, you've been to the DMV, and that place is a hell on earth. It's funny because there's – Take a ticket, and we'll see you in six hours. Has anybody ever imagined – There has to be a point in which the DMV doesn't have a line, but nobody's ever seen it.

It's like a mythical beast. It's almost like they bring in actors to start the day. Now, all of you take your places, and we begin. We open the DMV with – There's got to be 11 people in line but what's amazing is i have been to the dmv where it's basically empty walk up you take the ticket there's three people in the chairs and you're just that's it i'm like oh man i mean that's the private dmv club or is that a real magic hour and then 45 minutes later my number's called and

i'm sitting there going, what are you doing? I hate the DMV. Yeah, so that's a good pick. That'll ruin your day. You got to go to the DMV during part of your day? Come on. It is a really- Emissions testing?

Neat shared experience, though, Mike. You're right. It's universal for everybody. Thankfully, they're doing more online now. Why have we not fixed it? Everyone has been complaining about the DMV is a tale as old as time, and we do nothing about it. Yeah, it's not a private company.

That's why. All right. Well, my first thing that I'm going to pick now that I'm up is, yeah, as I'm approaching my 40s, this is more of a problem than it was when I was in my 20s. But you want to know what will really ruin a day? And I'm saying day's over. Day's over as soon as you wake up, you get out of bed, and you pull your back up for no freaking reason.

You did nothing. You went and grabbed a shirt, and you pull your back out. Your day is over. You tweak your back in your bedroom. Yes. You tweak your back in your bedroom. Yes. Oh, that's so good. You tweak your back for no reason. Oh, my gosh.

And it's totally acceptable to pull your back out doing something. You're helping move. That's a great pick. You're helping your friends move. Yeah. You step off a curb wrong. Oh, this oak credenza. Yeah, but you step off the curb and you throw your back out for no reason.

You're just done. That's a great pick. That's a day ruiner. That is a great pick. All right, you get another pick here as we come back around. Mine is somewhat similar to your first pick, but it's a different one. It was my 101 on my list. Constipation?

No, it's the exact opposite. Well, that doesn't ruin your day well oh yeah i guess i can't oh yeah i can't um no but it's the uh it is this one is worse because this one spreads it is the family stomach bug when it's going around your house and everybody's got the vomits, that is the worst. You can't be around anyone. It's going to spread. Yep. And all plans are over. You don't know how long it's going to last, but you know it's coming again.

And every time you start to feel better, every time it's like, I think I'm better. Nope. Nope. Very fair. All right. better every time it's like i think i think i'm the stomach flu i think i'm better nope nope very fair all right so uh throwing out your back household stomach flu that'll ruin that'll ruin a day mike you're at the dmv but after the dmv you've got to do what after the dmv i have realized that i lost my wallet oh and the dmvV. And it's one of these things where comparing it to everyone in my house is throwing up, it sounds not nearly as bad until you really start thinking about

what happens when you lose your wallet. The irony is you got to go back to the DMV. You're not. If you lost the DMV, that thing's gone. They're not giving it back to you. But any cash you had on hand, okay, that's instantly gone. Bank cards. Now I'm calling the bank.

Who knows how long I'm on the phone with the bank because I got to get all my cards canceled. I got to get new ones coming out. And you know where else I get to go back? The DMV because I lost my driver's license. And now I have to go back to hell and get all those things replaced. The amount of valuable things that are in my wallet is absolutely ridiculous. We're talking days, multiple days where I can rectify this situation. Yeah, it's a nightmare.

And while you wait for your new debit card to come in the mail if it's lost forever those those are the worst you got to go back to the 1980s and carry cash around and i got to go into all my auto pay that i have set up i'm gonna go change the credit card number and all those bills there is at least a silver lining there is it some of those well yeah some of those that you don't remember those just go away some of them do but also some of the bills i'll get oh you uh late notice yeah you didn't pay your bill all right so you have uh you're at the dmv you also lost your wallet jason threw out his back and he came down with some stomach flu i got diarrhea and I got to make a couple picks and so I have a number of them I'm trying to play the game on what will come back to me I am going to go very simple here nope I'm gonna save that for

my last pick I changed my mind I expect something very complex I'm right now. I'm going with a dentist appointment. If you have an appointment... What's that like? Because for one, you're probably leaving in pain, right? You're in pain while you're there. You're probably leaving in pain. If not, you're numb, right? And that disrupts your day. And it's an

obligation. Nobody wants a doctor's appointment obligation. You get the DMV wait while you're waiting to go back. You wait in the little chair again. Then they come in and say, we're going to hurt you. And then you leave hurt. So I think dentist appointment would ruin my day. I don't like having to do that.

And my next pick, second to last pick. Man, I hate obligations. And there's so many obligations that fit the bill. So I'm going to have to say attending some other kid's birthday party. Yeah, but it's on my list. And I know that that is your forte, Jason. Yeah. But you've built up more of a callous than we have.

It's a weekend ruiner. It's just there's a weekend ruiner. It's just there's a minimum amount of time you have to spend at these events. You got to get through the presents and the cake and ice cream. Which, I mean, at least you get the cake and ice cream. I do get that. But there's a lot of, if it's not your kid, there's a lot of interaction with people I'm not interested in interacting with. A lot of pretend smiling. Oh, the face.

The face is so sore after those stupid birthday parties from all my fake smiling around people I don't know. You got to wander around and say, boy, I like what you did with that. That's a nice couch you got there. Oh, cool wall. what you did with that. That's a nice couch you got there. Oh, cool wall. So I'm going to say the obligatory kids' friends birthday

party. And it just soaks up part of your day. Your day's gone. Just delete it. Parents, start throwing birthday parties on like a Tuesday night. Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah, Tuesday night. Also, don't mind the destination ones as much.

Yeah, like a Jump Street place, a bouncy house place on a Tuesday night because nothing's going on. You're not ruining someone's weekend. Oh, we can't get away for the weekend because stupid little Johnny that I don't know has a birthday party on Saturday that my kid really wants to go to. That's the problem. Maybe make the kids not have any friends. That would be another key. Don't get it wrong.

My kid's party is going to be on Saturday because they're awesome. Of course it is. Alright, Mike, your third pick. Alright, with my third pick, I don't know if you guys have ever experienced this. Oh, no, yeah. We definitely have because we've had it happen together. When your flight

gets canceled. Oh, that's a good one. What a great pick. I didn't think about that. Third round steal. It is devastation. You're just completely out of your control. You can do nothing. It's congratulations.

Either you are trapped in the city where you were. We got stuck in Chicago for multiple days that we did not plan to be there. Sure, we'll cover the cost of the hotel, but you've got to go through a whole bunch of hoops to get all that stuff figured out. And you're stuck there. And you call work. Hey, I'm trapped here.

And even worse, whatever, I don't know if it's worse, but if your vacation is planned and you go to the airport and your flight is canceled, you're not going. You lost today. I had an incredible trip planned with me and my wife and my father. We went down to Australia years and years ago. It's like a week-long trip. Get to the airport.

The co-pilot had broken his arm and they could not find another co-pilot. So we had to leave the airport, go to a hotel, come back the next day. So I lost an entire day of this dream trip to Australia. I bet you were angry, too. I was pretty frustrated about it. And there's nothing you can do. You can't fly with one arm? No.

No. You need at least two wow it's not more all right jason you have your final pick all right my final two picks well the first one is easy and obvious to me because this is like i i almost have a twinge of fear about this at all times because i know it's it's kind of like you know death it's it's out of your control it's just you know it's something that sometimes happens for no reason and it's it is is just terrible and that is any water line break in your house okay just. Just all of a sudden. The water goes out. I'm talking about a leak. Okay, a leak.

Under any sink, any bathroom, all of a sudden you've sprung a water leak in the house. For me, this is a nightmare for so many reasons. One. You can't pick one. How do I turn off the water? One is, I don't know. Right this moment, I don't know where to turn off the water to my house. I think I do. And I would run there and I would turn that lever.

Then I'd run back inside and it'd still be... Is it a common thing? At least in Arizona, and we do this with our breaker boxes as well. I don't understand. The thing to turn off the water for my house,

it's just on the side of my house. Anybody could do it. So anybody could just walk up to my house and turn my water off if they want. Why do we do this? Well, I think in part because it's not an epidemic of things happening to people. It seems to have worked out.

I don't think that there's a rampage of hooligans that have turned off people's water. Yeah, we got to teach... In fact, I've never heard of that in my life. We got to teach some teenagers where the water mains are. I've always thought the same thing. What a good break, man. I mean, you're just walking through the neighborhood

turning off this house's water, that house's water. We did flip somebody's breakers once. Yes. As a gag. I did do that one time. That proves my point. And we pretended we were robbing them. But I was a young...

We had guns. What a goof. Yeah. So it was a very bad decision as a young teenager. Andy tried to rob someone. Okay, so... The parents were not happy. Then you got to get a plumber out.

You might have your water out all day. So I hate... No, that's great. Any kind of plumbing issue, I just can't stand. I haven't had a pipe burst i'm very thankful for that yeah that's that's not fun um the worst i had one underground that was the worst the worst um all right my last one this is a jason moore special it is something that ruins my day every single time that this happens. It is not something that everyone can relate to.

Oh, I know what it is. I know what it is. But it is. Pillows didn't get fluffed. It is being anywhere that is too hot. Oh, my goodness. If I have to go to a place and it is too hot there, I'm sweating. I'm not happy.

We went on a vacation, a staycation, to this glorious resort, and it was just too hot, and I couldn't take it. I'm sweating. I had a terrible time. I paid money to have a terrible time because I was too hot. I run hot, and I can't stand being any place that's too hot. So it's like you go to a children's birthday party, whatever. Oh, and the family doesn't have the AC on?

Yeah, it's like, come on. That's when you sneak. I mean, I'll be honest. I'll sneak and change that thermostat. Oh, I know. You do it at my house. But you do it the wrong direction. Dude, you froze me, man.

Your house is so cold. Yeah. I was like cutting glass. All right, Mike, you are up. Your final pick. All right. Your flight's been canceled. You lost your wallet.

You had to hit the DMV to fix that situation. I'm going to go with this is innocent, simple, and yet this thing will stick in your brain and grow and grow. The virus will spread. A friend walks up to you and says, did you put on weight? Weight? So just like a comment? Just someone makes a passing comment.

If you put on weight, and then that thing will just fester and grow and grow by the end of the day you are furious at that person you are concerned about your body image you're thinking about what you what i'm gonna eat today and you're just it's it's over and that has ruined my entire day i was trying to kind of connect with this idea and then i remembered that one time a long long time ago someone said i had a pointy nose and when someone and from that point on i've hated my nose and i'm like wow it is kind of pointy it's like i never i always thought my nose was fine i have never noticed how pointy your nose is but but I will never see anything else now. Point nose face.

Oh, yeah. Point nose face. So you're right. I mean, that does stick. I thought you were going to say a song got stuck in your head. No. But no, this is way worse. Just one little.

It is funny how we see. Someone doesn't think about what they're saying. They're not trying to insult you, but they just make a comment about your appearance. Yeah, I could see that spreading out to things. Like if you do something embarrassing, anything embarrassing, it will stay with me the whole entire day. But for my final pick, I'm going to go very simple here because of the mind game that it will play on me the whole day. Because it's only happened a handful of times since I've been an adult. And it's the worst if I forget to put deodorant on. If I leave the house in the morning and you have now written a check that your body can't cash, right? You forget your

deodorant and there's no solving it. You have to now exist. You're paranoid. You don't know if you, you never know if you smell the way you think you smell. You smell worse. You're doing sniff tests. Right. And I had like two times in my life and it was at work on a couple of times. Like when I worked at a movie theater. Right.

And you're doing a lot of like physical work. And I knew. Filled up a sweat. And by midday. Oh man. I knew I smelled. i knew it and everyone else did and and you are spending your day trying to get out of proximity you're wandering it's almost like you're about to fart all the time and you've got to stay at a distance in which that

would be acceptable you were social distancing before that was a thing yeah i mean and it's like how do you possibly you can't this is not Yeah, I mean, and it's like, how do you possibly, you can't, this is not a social situation you can explain. It's like, I smell really bad. Please stay away. That is not like something that works. So it's simple, but it would ruin your day for getting deodorant. I like it.

Very nice. All right. So we finished up the draft activities that will ruin your day. I did have, I wanted to throw out some of the others on the list. I don't know if you guys have those. Running out of coffee was on my list. Oh, yeah. Doing your taxes.

Oh, yeah. On the list. Yard work was on the list. Clothes shopping was on the list. Yard work in Arizona summer was on my list as well as hiking. Just awful. Which is a recreation activity for some. Right.

I had break your phone, your internet goes out. Oh, bad internet. The internet going out. And a real simple one, oversleeping. Oversleeping. There's a little panic

that comes along with that. You can set off a chain reaction of events that ruin your day. All right. What did we learn today? So many things um i think i i think i was actually surprised to learn that the bungee jumping and the skydiving have equal opportunities of death that's i did not know that yeah because i mean because bungee jumpers die more um i learned that popcorn gives mike diarrhea that was something I was unaware of.

I learned Jason is going to risk it all to learn how to become a farmer. Yeah, he's going to risk his whole entire life and memories. Now, Mike, you still eat popcorn though, right? Oh, yeah. It's delicious. It's so good. He has diarrhea every Saturday morning. All right.

That'll do it for the Spitballers. Thanks for supporting the show. We'll be back with another episode very soon. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers, thanks for supporting the show. We'll be back with another episode very soon. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.