Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 195: Choke Murder & Professions For Your Kids - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 16, 2022

On today’s show, we discuss sunglasses vs hats, jungle survival for dummies, and losing an MMA fight. We also illuminate the differences between some commonly confused words. Lastly, we draft professions we’d love for our kids to grow up to be. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Skippity-scoot-scoot and a-poot-poot, hey! All right! Yes! That was fantastic! Skippity scoot scoot and a poot poot hey Oh right Yes that was fantastic That's good news I was not paying attention at all

That got me jacked up I don't think Andy liked it as much I thought it was good Oh okay Yeah I mean I didn't like it as much as your reaction That threw me off the most Look there are people that But you like a good poot po, I didn't like it as much as your reaction. I just... That threw me off the most. Look, there are people that... But you like a good poop-poop.

They threw... I didn't even know the word. They threw the podcast on, and then they're, you know, they're doing whatever they're doing. They're driving, they're doing the dishes, and they already zoned out. And that just got... That got them. It sucked them right in. Bring them right back.

With a scoot-scoot and a poop-poot. Is that what you said? I think so. Welcome into the Spitballers Podcast, episode 195. Closing in on the Epic Show 200. Oh, I can't wait. It's going to be unbelievable work done by the producers. Yeah, I can't wait to find out what's happening.

I mean, I just know that the anticipation, 200 is a big number. They say it's the biggest. It's the biggest that will know at that point you're right would you rather what's the difference oh and a draft on today's show so we are we have been called experts by no one i have called us experts but but but jason does mention that we're experts and so we have carved out the what's the difference questions into a segment of their own because illumination is a part of our the rainbow of our talents. Hide it under a bushel? No. No. I'm malicious. Wow. Gospel.

Add Spitballerspot on Twitter. Thank you for subscribing, which is now called following on Apple Podcasts, following on Spotify, wherever you're listening. Tell your friends about the show, and we'll love you more. All right. Let's move on. Let's move on to Brody from the website who writes in with this spectacular question maybe. Would you rather never be able to wear sunglasses again or never be able to wear any kind of hat or visor again?

This one is not difficult for me, so I'll let you two debate it. This one is not difficult for me, so I'll let you two debate it. This one is not difficult for me, so I will let Mike debate it. I will say that this one is not difficult for me as well. Sunglasses. And even though I wear a hat basically every day, the answer in Arizona is the sunglasses. It feels like... You can't go outside without them no it feels like an affront to your like it's it's an actual problem like you can't you can't do it the squinting it's it's like you're blind i went through somehow

my entire 20s my entire 20s in arizona where i never wore sunglasses and everyone else had sunglasses and i was psychopath oh i i look back and i think how did i survive this is why i wear glasses now this is why my eyes are so bad because they were scorched by the sun no you you have to pick sunglasses here. One of these is a fashion piece that is unnecessary. And one of these is a life-giving, life-saving medical device that can also be a fashion accessory. And yet, none of my children wear sunglasses regularly. I can't get them to do it. Your kids don't either. Kids don't children wear sunglasses regularly. I can't get them to do it. It's not. Your kids don't either. No.

Kids don't really wear sunglasses. That's what I say. We become less resilient over time to the powers of the burning ball of the sun, more sensitive. No. My son can't keep his eyes open outside. We cannot take a photograph in the outdoors. It doesn't matter where we are. We could be in san diego

overcast day he cannot open his eyes for pictures and so we have begged pleaded tried purchased sunglasses for this young man that won't help your picture problem he will not yeah he looks great in sunglasses well if you take a picture with the sunglasses on yeah well i would but he will not wear sunglasses nothing better than the whole family in sunglasses in a picture um no i don't know they don't need them they don't need them as kids but um i i had a period of my life as well jason where i wore glasses like i i finally gave in to my terrible eyes i wore glasses so i couldn't wear sunglasses because i didn't i didn't have the clip-ons i never on glasses no i didn't have

the clip-on i had the clip-ons and i didn't pony up for the prescription sunglasses and it was it like a few other things but it was one of the factors that eventually led to, like, I'm eating it, and I will sit down, I will get the LASIK, I will suffer through whatever operation, and I will take the risk for whatever they are going to do to my eyes, because when I am driving, I will be able to put on sunglasses without a problem. What they've never done is the LASIK that builds in the sunglasses. They've never done that part before where

you have the, you know, they got the transition lenses. You don't have the transition LASIK. And that's what, I mean, it's a risk. I would feel pretty bad walking into a room and the transition doesn't happen quick enough. Let me ask you this. Would you rather, for your eyes, have an operation

done where it kind of basically puts in the sunglasses and then it becomes extremely difficult to see at night or get the shine job like in Pitch Black or Chronicles of Riddick where you have super night vision, but then you are really, really sensitive to light so you always have to have some type of sunglasses on. It's been a long time since that movie's been referenced. I like it.

Pitch black? Yes. Is that Vin Diesel? Yes. Oh, it's really good. You got to be able to see in the day. I think that's more important. But you can see in the day with...

If it's dark. I'm saying I would choose the ability to have it worse at night and better in the day. I would see in the dark. My LASIK procedure made it more difficult for me to see at night. Yeah. That just came with it. It's a normal thing. Just came with it.

But we all want our sunglasses. So Jesse from Patreon writes in, you're about to lose your first professional MMA fight. Same as participating in my first professional mma fight right yes would you rather be choked out or knocked out oh either situation you're going nighty night you're not tapping out you're ending with a knockout this one's easy oh this is a great question i've never really the punch right no no no you got it you take the choke out you don't mind knowing it's on the way? It's very, very fast.

It is? I don't know if you've ever had someone like that. No, I've never been choked out. Well, not a choke out, but someone put an actual guillotine on where you go, oh, and your vision starts tunneling in and going out very quickly. And you go out. You'd wake up a few seconds later if you get knocked out that's a that's a blow to the head that is going to hurt now for how long weeks if you take

a shot in the jaw I mean your teeth are going to hurt forever yeah you're you're going to have a bruise a welt yes some kind of issue on your head and and one of these is a brain injury restarting your body versus like a lack of oxygen. One of those is just a light switch. Just real quick. For all we know, it's good for us. Right. You know what I mean?

It's like a modem. The computer's not working. Step one, restart it. Just turn it off, turn it on. That's a restart? Just choke. It's like a power nap. Just choke them out real quick.

I know you guys are more advanced in your MMA knowledge. But listen, can't you fake it? Can't you fake like you went to sleep? To lose the fight? I guess you would be done because they would end the fight. Yeah, you would be done. But I mean, like, what about in a street fight where someone's choking you out? I've always thought like.

There's really no rules in a street fight, so they don't have to stop. No, but listen. If you tap out they can still there's always the movies where people are being strangled right and the strangling seems to take a long time yeah so it seems like at some point during the just before you really strangled part act like they've won like they've won because they're not going to strangle no they are you're you for longer no you don't know yeah you you are because you got to make sure you're Act like they've won. Because they're not going to strangle a dead person. No, they are. For longer? No, you don't know.

Yeah, you are because you've got to make sure. But if you're in a hurry for the jewels, you're trying to get the jewels. You've got to make sure. I mean, what's making sure? I have genuinely wondered that question as well. Yeah, fake it out. An extra 30. Seconds?

Yeah. Dude, if I am choking someone out and they go to sleep and then I choke their lifeless body for another 30 seconds. Yes, that's murder. But I thought that's what we were talking about. Yeah. We are talking about murder. Of course we are, Mike.

Okay, look. This is a spitballers podcast. This is a spitballers. If you're doing the murdering, you're going to leave nothing to doubt. But what if you've never really murdered before? And it's your first time. This is your first choke murder. You could be real bad at murdering.

Well, look, if it's my first time murdering, I might it up i mean i think we'd all say that yeah you can mess up how embarrassing oh if they wake up and you're like oh sorry uh i have to believe it's happened a lot the that they didn't yeah because there's been gunshot murders that people mess up yeah i'm not talking about like a fake oh they faked and then you let go and then like i'm talking like you choke someone out you rapscallion you know what i mean like i think mma taught us that when you choke someone out to unconsciousness they're actually fine unless you continue to choke them. Prior to that, there had to have been a lot of bad guys trying to choke murder, and they choke murder someone, and then all of a sudden- They're just passed out.

They pass out, and they think they've killed them. So they let go, and that person stays totally passed out for another, I don't know, five seconds. They turn their back. They're walking away, and then- And then frying pan to the back of the head. Yeah, you've seen this movie. Now, I mean, this does lend itself to the next conversation,

which is, look, if I was ever in one of those old school wars where they've got the actual guns with the bayonets on them, I thought I would go pretty fake dead early on in that fight. Oh, you just want to lay in the bodies. I just want to lay in the – and I know some of them come through. They clean up. They clean up with the bayonets. But maybe my team won.

Oh, good point. I mean, I'm going down early, Mike. I don't even know how the tide has turned. I'm like – You're committing to being there for a while. I'm probably going with a – first, on the charge, I'm probably re-tying the shoe while the charge continues. That's a really good move.

Oh, it's untied. You don't want to charge with laces out. No. It's a hazard to the rest of your group. Second of all, I'm probably saying, oh, I forgot my gun. And then I'm going back for that. You drop it a couple times. Oh, I swear I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached.

I'll be right back. Third, I'm diving into the body. Kind of like a Louganus. You're waiting. Right into the body. You're waiting for the first person that you see fall dead. Yes, and I'm climbing under them. Just jump right next to them and slowly squeak your way up.

Oh, no. We're hit. I'm rubbing some of their blood on my body. Okay. For sure. Hanging your tongue out for effect. I'm rubbing some of their blood on my body. Okay. For sure. Hanging your tongue out for a fact. I'm totally dead. But then it would be really, really scary when they do the walkthrough and they're trying

to make sure because, you know, you got to be convincing. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to need to have one eye open and track this war. Oh, real low though. That's going to be the driest eye of all time. It's worth it. Yeah.

It is worth it because this is kind of life and death. How long, life and death, how long could you hold your eyes open without blinking? As long as it takes, my man. I don't know. That's not true. That's like when you're hanging. He's starting. Let's see how long.

That's like asking when you're hanging onto the edge of a cliff and it's life or death, you're like, oh, I could hang infinity because I'm going to fall. And that's not true. Eventually, do we have a timer going? Yeah, he's at about 22 seconds. Oh, I can see him. He's becoming less comfortable. He has not blinked yet.

Someone might be in at me soon. Are they tearing up? Hopefully. Was that a blink? I don't know. He might have wanted to. I think he might have. things are getting real uncomfortable they're see here's they're twitching now the thing is your eyes are moving a lot it's not just sitting wide open oh there it is all right i'm out the bayonet man is not

being fooled by that performance i mean if that bayonet man comes in and then I flinch, oh, that's embarrassing. Don't do it. I mean, that's what I would say. Yeah. All right. Moving on. You've been laying there the whole time? Yes. I'm a spy from your side.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You do try to sneak on the winner. You watch the battle with your eyes kind of half closed, and whoever's winning, you try to sneak into that close. You just need the hat. You switch hats. Oh, it's just the hat?

Yeah. They've got the little army hat, and you just need the hat you switch hats oh yeah they've got the you know the little the little army hat and you just put the other army on now we know how to war yeah all right choke murder and choke murder franklin from twitter would you rather have to survive a month in the jungle or six months in a maximum security prison our listeners love prison questions well it's just fascinating everybody kind of wants to go yeah see what it's all about uh look the maximum there's almost nothing i fear more than the that idea like trying to six months in jail well i mean no just a maximum security

prison like going to prison i don't care if it's six months six days six hours like the idea of what would happen to me in prison is too fearful i would be so afraid of every who do i make friends with who am i how am i supposed to figure this out do i have to join like a racist gang or something to be like protected can i scare you more by saying you can do this or you can go spend a month in the jungle no six months no no it's a month happened to me it's one month okay uh yeah leopard attack not happening leopard would be a problem i agree poisonous snakes everywhere i wouldn't know what to eat because most stuff out in the jungle probably kills you if you eat it too. I wouldn't be able to eat because I could catch nothing. You couldn't eat like a fruit?

Oh, I don't forage. I'm kind of into meat. Foraging is below me. I am not a gatherer. I am a hunter. You would literally just starve to death because you refused the foraging? Right next to a strawberry bush. Just like, oh, someone save me.

Lots of strawberries in the jungle. We both go to the hospital. I know. We're like, yes. We're visualizing it. What jungle? Jungle berries. I genuinely think I would die in the jungle.

Yeah. I think you might die in the old prison, too. Oh, I promise. Oh, you got the tattoos. Well, no, here's the thing. I think that you could make it through six months in prison. A month in the jungle. No chance.

I give myself sub 5%. Water and strawberries. I can get through it. I genuinely think. Yeah, but that water is going to have piranhas. No, you're right. Dysentery in it. The same transformation that happened to robin williams in jumanji when he went from a child to an adult

crazy man would happen in that one month for me in the jungle i would age 30 30 years if i survive jason you've been gone for three days are Are there any similar to the war story strategies? Are there any hot tips for prison that I could, like, you know, do you read a pamphlet? Like, if you're going to prison, do you start reading pamphlets? I mean, are there books? There's got to be a book. There has to be a book. What, jail for dummies?

Yeah. No, prison for dummies. A prison for dummies? A surviving prison for dummies. Jail I'm not worried about. Jail I think I can get through. Okay. But prisons really where the rubber meets the road i mean do you just get yourself thrown into solitary

hopefully no you don't want that i mean you probably go insane in there you don't want that solitary isolation is a nightmare that no one should ever experience. But you do keep to yourself. I'm going to be... But someone's going to try to befriend you. Oh, they're going to try to do everything. And I am going to... I mean, I think you just have to try to keep your head down,

do what you're ordered to do, take your lumps when you've got it, and survive. But do you... Okay, I agree when you've got it and survive. I mean, but do you? But it's OK. I agree with you. But it's more nuanced because you got to. Do you have to fight back?

Because sometimes you got to fight back to earn respect, not just take a beating. There are so many books on surviving prison. This is a very survivors guide to prison. Survivors guide to prison. Federal prison guidebook.book i mean i'd be reading them all i absolutely the second that i'm arrested i'm like i'm my amazon cart is full of prison books is it possible that when you're approached by like a prison gang you can just say no no no i'm off limits there's literally a survive a prison sentence for dummies the dummies are you joking i'm not joking the

dummies people put out a surviving in prison for dummies from the dummies it isn't the yellow book it's the yellow surviving it's a real book dummies yes now that that does imply in the name that not surviving is one of the outcomes well yeah yeah well yeah that's what let's give it. We know that one. I mean, prison is prison. You're not... You're just... Oh my gosh, sorry. There's a two-star. There's one single review. Oh, for dummies? Two stars.

It says, not much help. Very short, bad grammar. Left me wishing I had more. I think this must have come from someone who was on the inside. Oh, no. Oh, that's funny. I think I'm taking the jungle. Final answer, because the jungle means that I can try to walk out of the jungle. The prison, I do not get to escape the jungle. I will have 30 days of dying, but on my way out and that will matter. It's like, you know, surviving a escape from prison. I'd rather do that than just be in prison.

Yeah, I will survive six months in prison. I'll come out a different person as well. Sure. But I will never. I'm with you, Mike. Sub 5% that I survive a month in the jungle or a month anywhere, unless it was like locked in a grocery store. Get out the jungle.

You're not getting out that jungle, man. Dang it. Do you know how big the jungle is? Well, maybe store. Get out the jungle. You're not getting out that jungle, man. Dang it. Do you know how big the jungle is? Well, maybe they dropped me on the edge. Yeah. I'm right by the highway. Jungle on the left, highway on the right. Mike clearly has a big fear of the jungle.

I have watched plenty of documentaries about the jungle. That is a weird statement. I like to learn. But there's a lot of jungle documentaries? Oh, dude, like watch stuff about- How to Survive the Jungle? No, it's basically saying that you go into the Amazon and everything, everything in there is trying to kill you.

I mean, I'm looking at- Don't touch the frogs. Everything. The eight worst ways to die in the jungle, and they're not good. None of them. What do we got? Is a ball constrictor one of them?

Bush master snake is number eight. You got the human bot fly, that sounds... Oh, they put the eggs in your skin? A vampire fish? What is that all about? There's a vampire fish? Yeah. The Amazon basin.

The Nile crocodile. Dracula cuda. You want to die via crocodile? No. I can avoid the crocodile. Me. You ever seen a croc run? They have long fingernails.

You can hear them coming. Piranha, eel, and the number one is the- The crocodile again. Is the Bengal tiger. The tiger's the worst way to go? I would think the tiger would be a real bad way to go. I agree, but I think it would at least be faster than the bot fly. I think the regular tiger is probably the worst thing to be killed by on Earth.

Really? Probably. They're going to bite you in the neck, and it's going to be done quick. I don't think it's going to be as quick as you hope. Oh, well, of course it won't be as quick as you hope. Oh, of course it will be as quick as I hope. Yes. When a tiger is attacking me, I hope it's instant. Make it quick.

Well, there you go. Do we have another one or are we moving on? Let's move on. Spit wads. Let's talk for a moment about something very important let's talk about codecademy because maybe you want to change your career because there's never been a better time to become a programmer that's what codecademy is all about you can learn to code on your own terms if you know anything about this show you know we we're all dads. We've all got three kids. And I have seen the value of coding and programming over the course of my entire career. And just the doors that it opens up, living in a fast-changing world.

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Ooh, these are out of order. Yeah, they are. Loaded is, I actually put that very much on the body. It's like, what do you have in your pockets? Yeah, it's that. Oftentimes also used for very inebriated. Okay, I was going to go with. But this is the money.

This is money. So I was going cheese, bacon. No, no, no. There's a lot of loaded. Gun has ammunition in it. I mean, just the difference between, what's the difference between loaded, loaded, and loaded? Rich, wealthy, and loaded monetarily. So to me, it's like you got to have two rolls of cash that are being brandished. Like a loaded.

On you? On you. Okay. Could you have them? That guy's loaded because you see him tip somebody too well. Could you have him? You could have it in a money clip, though. It doesn't have to be rolled.

No, it could be in a money clip. Visible. Yeah. When you're pulling your hands out of your pockets, you either have money in them or you've got a Rolex on. That's what I was going to ask. And that makes you loaded. Are you loaded with enough jewelry?

Maybe your only card, but you're just wearing ice. You got the rings on. You got the Rolex that are loaded. Loads of quarters. Yeah, sure. But I think it's almost, you know, it's like if a gun is loaded, you pull it out of your holster. When you pull your arms out, you got money in them and you've got a Rolex on.

You got money in your arms. In your arms in them and you've got a rolex on you got money in your arms in your arms and then you've got rich and wealthy now rich people have money but they wish they were wealthy wealthy is a whole nother wealth these lineages yeah yeah there's yeah we can agree with a wealthy person's parents have money and their parents have money and their grandkids will have money. If you win the lottery, you're rich. You're not wealthy. 100%. Right.

No, wealthy means- Until you pass it down. Yes. When you win the lottery, you're passing nothing down. Oh, absolutely. What about the money? No. You will have none left.

It will be gone. When you win your money via lottery, you spend it instantly. You end up on a lifetime special. Did I ever tell you I had my dad work directly? Did you just have a leg injury? Maybe, maybe not. No one knows because I won't say. Because I'm sitting, so it shouldn't be.

My dad once worked directly. His office building, all growing up as an engineer, was directly next to a woman that won $106 million in the 90s. She won the actual lottery. And didn't go crazy? She did not stay there. She was gone because of the $106 million. I'll bet she's homeless now.

That's just my guess. Because she was rich, not wealthy. Right. Okay. Alec from patreon what's the difference between being famous mike being a celebrity jason and being a superstar andy dang it i've said my name too quick i didn't read the rest of the sentence famous that just means what's the order of what you want no but here's i think there's certain qualifications like famous is you are known for something not just because of you're not known

because other people know who you are so paris hilton's not famous she's a celebrity okay yeah all right she's a celebrity but if you did something to earn the fame and it could be it could be what music you can be a famous doctor famous doctor absolutely being a celebrity doctor like that's what it's okay dr oz would you rather go see a famous doctor or a celebrity a famous doctor 100 you do not want a celebrity doctor. They're probably, first of all, not a doctor. And second, they've given up, what is that thing they- The Hippocratic Oath? Yes, the Hippocratic Oath. That's long gone for a celebrity doctor.

Yeah. But would you see a superstar doctor? Well, I don't know that there can be a superstar doctor because that's about international waters. A superstar- What? A superstar is someone that is known on the other side of the globe. I thought those were international superstars. No, no, no.

A superstar is known globally. Really? Yes, absolutely. But a famous person can be just nationally? Yeah, that's just domestic. If you are a superstar, you can't go to Europe if you're living here and get away from your fame. What is your local mayor? Is your local mayor any of these?

No. No. So they're not a celebrity, they're not famous, and they're not a superstar. They are nothing. How high up that political ladder till you reach one of these steps? Some senators. If you're a senator, are you famous? Some of them.

Some of them are. Oh, so they might not be. Yeah. The boring ones. There's definitely senators that say normal things. They make a name for themselves. Put it this way. Name 10 senators.

Yeah. You get about two, maybe three, four. Most of the ones I used to know are gone now. No, famous. Yeah, that's the best way. Can you name them? Can the average person name them? Yeah, and what did they do to become famous?

How many superstars do we have left? Oh, that's a great question. I think a lot in sports or a few in sports. LeBron James is a superstar. Okay, yeah, he is international. So, if you're recognized, what are you? Are you any of these? I think yes. If you're recognized by – You could be any of the three if you're recognized. Well, I'm just saying. Let any of these? I think so.

If you're recognized by- You could be any of the three. Well, I'm just saying, let's say we're out and about. Yeah, we need to figure out where we are on this. Let's say you're out and about and you're at the local Disneyland, the local one, and some people walk up and they say, wow, that's Mike Wright of the Fantasy Footballers. Famous. Famous?

Famous. Famous for what you've done. There are definitely levels. You're not a celebrity. There are levels of fame. Okay. And, like, you can... How low does the alphabetical list?

Like, you're like, oh, it's a B. D. I think you can get down to D. We are definitely D-level celebrities. Okay. Fame or celebrity? Fame. No, that's a celebrity.

That's a celebrity? You don't say D-level famous. You say a D-level celebrity. So we can't become superstars. We could. Well. Do you have to go on a TV show? Yes.

Television is part of it. It's part of it? Yep. Michael Jackson was a superstar. Oh, for sure. For sure. There's not many superstars. Is Britney Spears a celebrity? a celebrity no famous person or a superstar

britney spears was a superstar but now she's just a celebrity celebrity she might but she was famous because of of being an entertainer so is jordan still a superstar yeah he is or was he a superstar and now he's just a famous celebrity i retract his superstar status. You do? He's not an active superstar. He's a retired superstar. You think if Michael Jordan goes to China that he can just walk about? No. Because he's too famous. But he's not a superstar.

I'm with Mike. I think you can lose superstar status. Oh, Jordan definitely loses. I think there's plenty of places in the United States that Jordan could walk around and not get bothered. In the United States? Yeah. Impossible. Unlike me.

I mean, he's really tall, so people will notice him. He's known for... You're the meme guy. You're the crying guy. So I guess he's just famous because he's known for doing that. All right. Well, we've solved it. George wants to know the difference between a porch, a deck, and a patio.

Well, a porch is on the front of the house 100% of the time. Yep. And a patio? Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. Otherwise, they call it a wraparound porch. By default, the porch is in the front. Porch is in the front.

The patio is in the back. A deck can be either, but it has to be elevated. Deck definitely has to be up. This was the easiest one we've ever done. You can have a deck in the backyard. Yeah, but it has to be elevated. Deck definitely has to be up. This was the easiest one we've ever done. You can have a deck in the backyard. Yeah, but it has to be elevated. But then can a porch be a deck at the same time? Yes.

Yes. If it's an elevated porch. Yes. And because it's a deck then. But if it's an elevated porch, then it is a deck. To me, a patio has to be covered. No. Oh, no, then it's a covered patio.

There's a name for that. What's the difference between a patio and a deck? A patio is on the ground, my man. Okay, and a deck's in the air. Yeah. Yeah, that's 100% right. So decks cannot touch the ground. That's illegal.

At some point, something touches the ground. But the deck, what you're walking on, has to be at least, what, a foot? Yeah. I'll go with a foot, yeah. Six inches? No, no. No, that's ridiculous. That's an elevated patio.

Al, do you have any problems with these descriptions here? No. No, you're good. Argy wants to know, what's the difference between a declaration, a proclamation, and an announcement? Okay, okay. A declaration, a proclamation, and an announcement. This is interesting. Well, an announcement is never written.

Right? That's a big part of this. You're saying something in an announcement. You are announcing to the world X, Y, or Z. The morning announcements. Exactly. The morning announcements. This is verbal.

This is entirely verbally given. So is a proclamation. A proclamation is always verbally. But it's read from a scroll. Youclamation a proclamation is always verbally but it's read from a scroll you read a proclamation yeah proclamation is written on a scroll first so it's an announcement with a script yes usually a sanscript and then a declaration now that can be written clearly yes but nobody reads those like the declaration of. It's like a museum thing. You look at it, you honor it, but you don't really.

It's like really boring. But none of these are really meant to be replied to, if I'm right. You don't reply to a declaration, a proclamation, or an announcement. You just have to listen to it. They're letting you know what's up. Right. There's only one of these things that Nicolas Cage wants to steal. Right.

It's not an announcement. It's not a proclamation. It's the declaration. Because only one of these can have a map full of treasure. I mean, how would you distinguish when you need one of these is a question. Let's say you have, Jason, you have something to say. I'm going to put you in some scenarios. I will bring them up, and then you say which of these you would choose for.

There's a fire coming. Yeah. It's on its way? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to make an announcement about that. It's an announcement? For sure.

I got to let the people know, and I'm going to use my voice. Okay. You have just got a brand new job. Oh, fantastic. Is that an announcement as well? That is an announcement. I want to let people know that it's an announcement. But what if you post it on social media?

Well, then I'm proclaiming it. Now, what if you just filed bankruptcy? Then you have to declare it. Okay. I declare bankruptcy. And yes, social media posts are proclamations. Oh, I was going to ask you what a proclamation was. Yeah, there you go.

Now, you don't have to start it with I proclaim or I declare or I announce. No, it's understood. It's understood. Well, we clearly understand it. No questions asked. All right, draft time. Spitwads, with a custom-fitted suit from Indochino, you'll look great, you'll feel confident,

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go to Indochino. Get $50 off any purchase of $3.99 or more by using our promo code BALLERS at Indochino.com. That's $50 off a purchase of $3.99 or more at indochino.com, promo code BALLERS. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting professions we want for our children. So professions that we want our children to grow up and become. I wasn't sure how this draft would proceed until I began to write some ideas down for myself. Interesting.

And realized how self-seeking we may become due to these selections here. Because I couldn't help but think of the utility of my children growing up to be able to do various things. I wanted them. Mine is notary. I wanted them to grow up and become a notary because when you want something notarized, I don't want to go to the bank. That's right.

That's why I'm teaching them. When I was building my list, I mean, I started with. Is it their joy or your joy? I started with their joy. And I know the dreams of my three children, what they're hoping to be when they grow up. And they're good selections. And then it also started to become a little bit of a thought experiment for me

of like, okay, in 15, 20 years, what does the world look like and what jobs are actually forward thinking? It's hard to think 20 years into what does the world look like and what jobs are actually like forward thinking? It's hard to think 20 years into the future. Like a cyborg repairman. Right. It could be a thing. Yeah. You don't want to be a manual laborer because robots are going to do that.

Exactly. Right. But gas engine expert. All right, Mike, you get the first pick. So what? Let's see if you took a layup here. I absolutely did. Speaking of layups, I will go with the dreams for my middle child,

and I will take a professional athlete. Okay. That was number one on my list, too. And it was because of both the joy for the child, but also the pathway to just going to games for free, cheering on your kid. Joy for me. If you're very successful as a professional athlete, you're talking substantial money. Which is more joy for you. Yeah, it's a win-win-win.

Yeah, see, I'm sad that that was so broad. It went well done. That was a great pick. I had NFL backup quarterback on my list. A little more narrow. A little bit more narrow. I get it. But it's included in yours.

I don't want him taking the hits, but I want him getting quarterback money. Right. And everyone loves the backup quarterback. Oh, he's so much better than the starter. But as the parent, you're not going to watch him. You're not going to watch him play. That's great. I don't have to go to the games. I still feel like you've got to go to the starter. But as the parent, you're not going to watch him. You're not going to watch him play. That's great. I don't have to go to the games.

But they'll still feel like you've got to go to the games. All right. Well, okay. Then I'm going to go the same route to start. The route that Mike has opened up, knowing my children, their passions. I am going to go with a successful actor or actress. Okay. My kids are giant into theater.

I know that that's their dream right now. So if we're dreaming big professional athletes, we're going famous actress, actor, and the like. So you get the red carpet with them, maybe? Oh, yeah. They're taking me to the Oscars for sure. I'll see that slap up close. And so you get to go to the premieres. You get to go to all of the events. You get to watch

them in movies. I get to tell people, I made that. Do you think it's hard for parents to see their kids in roles that are unbecoming? Oh, yeah. There's definitely movies you do not watch. That your children act in?

Yeah, I promise that has happened many times. So I get two picks now, right? Yes. Jason, what was that face? That was me realizing that there are some roles that you would not watch under any circumstance. And we move on. I will go with the first one,

which is kind of the highest ambition of a lot of children. Also, great utility as i become older doctor becoming a doctor it's it's something that is a great accomplishment due to the amount of education time and investment and doing it you're helping people so i think that there is a intrinsic outcome for the it's a lot of work and a lot of hours but the intrinsic outcome of like you are helping people like that is your job you will have some amount of status like having satisfaction in the job is kind of a big deal yes agreed also i would like to call you instead of paying a co-pay so as an elderly person i will i will lean on my children to heal me. One of my great friends from high school, still one of my great friends, his wife is an incredible doctor.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you don't have a friend who is a doctor that you can just- Find one? That you can call. Oh, just like the weight lifted off my shoulder knowing that she's cool. I can just call her and be like, hey. She doesn't mind? No. Have you ever worried about that?

At the beginning. At the beginning. But now I don't because she likes it. Yeah, she's just like, oh, yeah. Very practical. Very matter of the fact. Okay, here's your answer. And it's no problem.

And I'm like, this is fantastic. It's wonderful. I have a nurse. Great. Also great. Not quite to your answer. And it's no problem. And I'm like, this is fantastic. It's wonderful. I have a nurse. Great. Also great. Not quite to your level, but we have a nurse in the family. It's just a delight to be able. Anything goes wrong, well, let's ask her.

Let's just get on the phone. All right. And my second pick, I think it's outside the bounds of Mike's pick. So I think it's okay. But it's something I didn't think of for a while but i'm gonna go with it which is an olympian yeah is that okay yeah i'll take that i'll take that because you represent they are not professionals well there's some that was like supposed to be the rule the amateur yeah but you are representing your country right you've got these big events every four years it's kind of like being a professional athlete.

They can make good money. They can represent the country. So I thought that that would be a very interesting one. And it goes with like my daughter. She loves gymnastics. There aren't a bunch of, there's not the professional gymnastics league that people watch on TV. So if she wants to go pro,

that's as close to pros you get. Do you go from that to Cirque du Soleil or something? Probably. The stuff they're doing in those shows, you need to have been a very excellent gymnast at some point. It's like the figure skaters that go on to

Disney on Ice. They move on to performing in tours around the country. That's got to be a cush job. Disney on Ice? That's not bad. That's not a bad gig. I would imagine there's a lot of work involved in that. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, there's a lot of work. But in the way that a traveling theater company would have a lot of work. But you're already super good at it. Oh, it's easy for you. It's easy work for you because you're so good at skating. And then you get to skate up to the children and see their faces light up. They don't make you do quadruple lutz's on Disney on Ice. You can drop down to doubles, triples.

You don't have to compete the same level. But I thought Olympian would be fun. Although, I'll be honest, even though it's my pick, some of those athletes have a lot of pressure on them. But from certain countries and certain ages, it's tough to do. Yeah. I would just say, you know know most of the time broadly generally speaking the children who are olympians have real mean fathers so um andy's cracking the whip over

here to make sure his his boys and girl gets in the olympics um all right nice still wait no i'm done doctor and olympian doctor doctor and olympian all right good picks um this one was the first thing i was i was sitting down i was thinking what do i actually like okay we got you know actress professional actress athlete but what like what is my actual hope what is my jason moore what is my hope for my children? What do I want to see them grow up and become? And so this is really broad in general. By all means, disallow it if it's too broad. We will.

I know. But an entrepreneur, I want them to be a business. No, that's fine. Yeah, I think it's fine. A business creator. Like, I want them to own their own thing. Right. And everybody listening out there, own your own thing.

I mean, there's great jobs. Amazing jobs. Yeah, sure. But I'm just saying like. It's also tough. It's tough too. It's not easy. That's why, I mean, it's not easy to be a doctor or a professional athlete.

Not easy to be an entrepreneur. But I just think there's so much more reward, not just financially, but like in you're creating a business for you, not for someone someone else and i think that's amazing okay yeah it was on my list entrepreneur for sure totally good pick mike you're back two picks oh man he's out no i'm definitely not out it's just this is now a much tougher are you trying to decide whether to put one of your children in a Chick-fil-A for the discount? And my pleasure. I have a job that I have participated in, and it's like, I don't know if I want. A musician?

Yeah. I don't know if I want my kids to have to live that life because it can be pretty tough. So we're going to start with whatever because it's what I would want. I want my kids to be a musician. I want one of them to play music, and then I get to just enjoy that, critique it. I actually feel like I can help. If my kid becomes a doctor, it's like, hey, dad, how do I do this? Let me call my doctor friend. I don't know what you're

talking about. But if it's music, I can actually help them get better. That's a good reason. I can critique and all those things. A little bit of a lineage, right? A path down. You have people, your kids can sing and stuff. Yeah, they could do it if they want they haven't chosen they have not chosen to do it yet all right i have two follow-up questions here based on your picks my number one professional athlete your hope is that they are which genre which sport which genre uh golf okay Yes. And musician, they play what?

Ooh. Ideally. Tuba, there it is. Piano or guitar? Piano was said first. Okay. Now you're still up. All right.

And so with my next pick, I will – I'm trying to – this is a real forward-thinking one, and maybe I got too in the weeds with it, but my daughter loves science, and I don't want to just say scientists. It's too generalized. But, like, in 20 years, as we move towards the future, what is – like, things are just getting smaller you know a micro scientist no a quantum physicist oh they're super smart i what do they do i have no idea you will not be helping with the quantum physicists have no idea what they do i know they

deal with really tiny things i would imagine I was trying to think of like, is that somehow related to nanotechnology? I have no idea. But I like the words. It sounds good. It's future-y. If you're telling me that you're like, oh, my kid will- Quantum physicist. What'd they grow up?

Quantum physicist. Whoever you tell that to is going, holy freaking crap. Are you kidding me? I mean, that's part of it. A quantum physicist? For you tell that to is go holy freaking crap are you kidding i mean that's part of it a quantum physicist for a lot of parents they'd love to be able to have that conversation with the friends and say brag what do your kids do and if you can say quantum physicist and a professional athlete yeah as opposed to some other things musician yeah musician is a problem because no one thinks you're successful right there's not one person that hears oh okay there is all right so when's he giving that up

there's a very wide range of outcomes for that job all right jason you've got famous actor actress and then an entrepreneur and you are back on the clock so this one came to me late but there's a couple of reasons i like this um and so i'm i'm gonna pick this i've got one child in mind who loves loves loves to travel wants to travel always talks about growing up and traveling the world and i watched a tiktok video the other day i had no idea how much money pilots make. Oh, really? Yeah.

It was like if you do it for 10 years, your average annual salary is like $400,000. I was like, what? What? Exactly. What? So this was like a Delta pilot or something. I mean, I'm sure it's true. I don't believe it.

It was a TikTok video. It was on TikTok. But I think that that would be great. I'm sure I'd get to fly for free. I think they would love it. Oh, yeah, you do. It's a really neat job, and if it's paying well, I think that would be great. And I don't think I'd be afraid of my child being an airline pilot.

No. You know, the risks and stuff like that. I don't think that that's really... Salary.com, Jason, on my quick Googling, is saying 100 to 180. Well, maybe as you're starting salary sure that was part of the videos you start around there but after about 10 years you should be okay and if you end up like sully i mean you're famous you're a celebrity he's famous yeah he's famous he's not a celebrity so an airline pilot yes okay uh fighter. Fighter jet pilot. All right.

Yeah, a little top gun. All right, I've got a doctor and an Olympian, and I've got my last two picks. And I'm shooting from the hip here. I've got two picks that I think, I'm just trying to think about the life that my children will have and freedom. So when you said entrepreneur,

to me there's a level of freedom inside of that. Now it's the freedom to fail. It's the freedom to be stressed out for having everything on your back. But I'm going to go with something more like the musician choice, which is going to be equally difficult, but also potentially freeing an artist. okay on my list because an artist you're if you succeed at that and i think we're presuming success at all of these yeah sure some level enough to pay your bills you're doing something you enjoy doing you're an artist you're you could be a painter whatever the case may be but you are doing something that you really like i love that pick i i went uh i was at a place

recently where it was like an art gallery and it had just hundreds of different um people smelling farts yeah kind of hundreds of different artists uh work up and but they had this tv that was playing like all the stories of these artists and they were you know saying like oh this is how i started like they did a documentary crew comes and you know like a little five minute clip on all these people and so there's tons of these people that in their own circles they must be famous right they're they're in mansions with their artwork all around like they're doing all right so if you succeed as an artist i had no idea that you could be like you know if very successful not just like the world's most famous artist. But yeah, you can do very well as an artist,

and that's such a freeing. I got more curious in that world, too, again, thanks to like a reel or something like that. And all of a sudden, you watch two artist reels, and you're seeing five artist reels in 15, and all of a sudden, I'm buying canvases. The algo got you. And I'm trying to be an artist, but it seems like a fun thing to succeed at.

And then the last one, it's not easy. And I think depending on, depending on what one they choose, it would be difficult on the parents. But I do think that they're, um, I think a public servant of some sort.

So fire, police, um, maybe it's a paramedic, somebody in those categories. You took them off, right? I took them off, no way. Because you're afraid for those. I love every fireman that exists. I would be so sad. And police officers, love police officers.

If my children grew up, I would be so afraid for them. I know. That would be very, very difficult. That is not an easy job. It's not a job with a lot of thanks all the time. But it is a job that I think when they walk in their door at home at the end of the day, they would have a sense of that I did

something to contribute to the good of society. Which is a nice feeling, I think. It's like what we get with this show. Yeah. We are public servants. You are right. When we put our head on the pillow, we know we made a difference. That's right.

Yeah. We're actually changing bad things into good things in this world. And, yeah, I think that's good. I would be proud of my children if they were a firefighter or police officer. See, that's it. I would just be so worried for them at all yeah i think you know i think each of those jobs has their own fears that come with it so if they if they fail it you know dr olympian famous artist then they can go become a one of those and scare their parents all right my fourth and final pick um

this one is one that i just i was talking to my kids I was like this is what I I literally told them I want you to know the skill I want you to grow up into this we have read ads that are truthful because we actually know how valuable this industry is marketing no no no programming I mean a software engineer of some kind if you're good at software engineer and and a programmer the world of the internet or of electronics open up and i could use their skills so much i mean that's the thing is like not only could you go and get a well-paying job for all these different companies they're always looking for good high-level programmers but you can also make stuff for yourself. Like, we've got some programmers here. They've got side hobby projects that they do for a week

that's just like, oh, yeah, I just wanted to build this unbelievably cool thing because I can program a computer to do things. It's really cool. So I would love for my kids to be a programmer. It's a great pick. It's the future of building. Quantum programmer is

actually what I was going to choose. That's the super small programmer. Mike, you've got a final pick for this draft. You have professional athlete, musician, and quantum physicist. All right. For my final pick. I want the musician and the quantum physicist to be together at Thanksgiving and just staring at each other.

Uh, well, I'll tell you about a combo in a second, but the, my final pick here, look in 20 years, we're probably going to Mars, man.

And if your kid, no, no, is one of the first people on Mars. I mean, we all know who Neil Armstrong is, right? Yeah. First man on the moon. First person on Mars. So is this astronaut?

Yeah, well, I'm taking astronaut, baby. See, that one puts the fear of God into me. That would be terrifying, especially if it was a trip to Mars where you're talking, what is that, like it takes a couple years to get there or something? I don't even know. But, I mean, I know that my dream, I think it's a pretty common little boy dream, I want to be an astronaut,

but my kids have talked about being an astronaut as well, and I think we're moving. The future will involve space, and you'll need astronauts up there. That sounds like a pretty cool job. What if they became like musicians on Mars? Is that another option? Well, look, you need art on Mars. Astro rock.

So according, Owl is saying, according to NASA, one way trip to Mars is nine months. So no, that's not, that's nothing. The issue is the one way part part because you're gonna you don't know that they're going to be able to come back and create fuel on mars yet i wonder if they could just send me to mars when i'm just past a certain age or maybe when you when you're gone just the one way just like i'm 80 like if i get to 80 send me on a one way and i'll live there the rest of my days and then be buried in mars do you want to live there the rest of my days, and then be buried in Mars. Do you want to live there the rest of your days, or do you just want to have

them just launch the rocket? Oh, keep going? Just launch the rocket right into Mars. So technically, you're the first person there, but also you die on impact. First person to die on Mars? I would like that, yes. I just want my casket sent there. I'll die here, have a funeral, and then be like, but now... But fire...

Oh, that could be a new thing. Yeah. You fire the caskets onto the dark side of Mars. Yeah. And there's just caskets sticking out of the ground. All right. We're going to wrap this one up. But first. What did we learn today?

I learned a lot. I learned that there are a large quantity of prison books that I can learn from should that situation arise. Yeah, which you'll want to. I learned that before MMA, choke murders probably did not finish the job all the time. And I have learned that people are underrating how dangerous the jungle is. I think that's possible. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

And there's not like a jungle suit you can wear to protect yourself. No, there is not. The threats come from all sides. All right, that'll do it for today's Spitballers. Tell your friends about the show. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.