Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 196: Step Stool Defense & Actors To Defend You In Court - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

On today’s episode, we talk about eliminating snacking, assembling Lego, and talking to dead people. We also construct the perfect sandwich and come up with the ultimate disrespectful driver-to-driver hand signal. We shut it down with a draft of actors to defend us in court. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Welcome in We've all got our 200 shows Sure We've all got our stuff Yep

And it's not stuff that I don't think any of us are sitting down with a notebook Saying this is my stuff And we write it down And we say this is how I'm going to scat I've got 50 shows already planned. I'm sure you do. But really, what's funny is when you start to notice patterns.

Now, I don't know if you guys knew this. One of the top words I go to at the end of my scat is, in fact, the word bedingue. We are aware. Yeah. Yep. You've done that like a time. But I've noticed in Jason's scats that they begin kind of low. He's a

whispering scatter. Yeah, he whispers, but he does kind of get into the bow at the end of it. There was like a... I don't even know what you said at the end. I'll have to check the tape later. Yeah, it was good. I just like to escalate it. I'm bringing it in slowly and then saying,

let's get this show going. And like that that term as we say in music we is the climax is the crescendo right that's what that's what i yeah the peaks meaning yeah yeah uh welcome into episode 196 would you rather that's a great question on today's show and a spectacular draft of course there's only one kind of draft that we deliver spectacular uh spitballerspod.com is the website thank you for following the show on apple podcasts on spotify wherever you're listening maybe you're watching maybe you're watching on youtube.com spitballers you guys want to get it going sure would you rather all right mindy oh mindy from patreon supporting the show join the spit.com would you rather be able to eat three meals per day but no snacks or snack whenever you want but no meals okay okay so i'll take some thought here

the age-old question of do you like snacking or do you like a meal this is difficult because i thought about i legitimately thought about this the other day i have a habit we eat well here at the studio as in like we eat a lot we eat a lot here uh the that is all i mean people are never hungry in this office correct correct and so i have found myself eating a very small portion at dinner just based on hunger because i fill up here and i realized that i i could absolutely get by without a main dinner, just snacking a little bit. Okay. You know, oh, got some crackers and cheese, and then maybe later I'll have some chips

and ice cream or something. Just some snacks. Sure. You are a snack man. Snacks are great. It's a pretty common occurrence in the afternoon that you'll go raid our snack bin and find something. I get in snacky moods.

Yeah. the afternoon that you'll go raid our snack bin and find something. I get in snacky moods. Yeah. Yeah. You've got stories coming in all the time about the ice cream or tortilla chips. You've been eating at night, watching shows. I've been known to snack. See, I love both snacking and meals.

So this is a real problem for me. So what would you go with if you actually had to draw that line in the sand? I think I would have... Because you like a late night snack. I love snacks. I love them so much, but I think I would have to... If you can only have one, you've got to have the sustenance. You can sustain yourself with snacks.

Oh, you know I can. Absolutely I can, but there's no way to snack enough. That's going to be my entire sustenance and it be healthy. I'm not eating healthy little- You're not cooking up some green beans as a snack and eating them on the couch. Okay, yeah.

It's just never going to happen. That's a fair point. The snack is- Guys. Oh. I'm sorry. Okay. But I need to know what makes the difference between a meal and a snack.

Because I think a lot of the times we're putting this in our brains is it's where you eat it. It's the location. No. But I've eaten volumes of calories on a couch. How come the volume of calories doesn't make it a meal? It's the timing. That's it? Yeah.

There's windows that are allowed for meals. Oh, really? Yeah. you can't snack on steak you know what i mean like you know you could kebab yeah you can you could have a kebab right but you but that's what i'm saying you're you've got to convert it into a snack form a a nice filet mignon as a whole you could never call that a snack but what if you could what if you had eaten a filet the night before and then you're coming down. Just leftovers.

Yeah, but you're coming downstairs at 9 o'clock. You're like, I want a few bites. That's not a snack. That's a snack. You're not having a meal. That's definitely a snack. Yeah. I think if you eat the steak with your hands,

you bypass some of these rules. Oh, that's true. If you don't sit down and fork and knife this thing, you're just picking them up. You're snacking like a caveman. What snacks do you eat with utensils? What are common utensil-based snacks? Okay, now we're getting somewhere.

Because the only thing I can think of is like a yogurt. No, I mean a bowl of ice cream is a snack, and you eat it with a spoon. Okay, all right. I mean, that one's definitely in. A bowl of cereal late at night that's not a meal right is it it's that's fourth meal yep 100 yeah just because it's what about the type okay just because the size of the bowl doesn't matter just because it's not at dinner time doesn't mean that it's a snack it's still a meal you're just having more than three meals in a day like me.

If you choose the one where you don't get meals on this would you rather question, then at some point you can't circumvent this with quantity. You actually have to snack. Oh, yeah. You're going to be snacking all the time. You'll probably be snacking like five times a day. You're telling me you can overcome the snack thing and there's some things that are other meals. You couldn't have that bowl of cereal then.

Ever. No. You could not ever have a bowl of cereal then. Ever. No. You could not ever have a bowl of cereal. Now you could have it without milk in a cup. Absolutely. It's funny how inherent this is. There are no rules. There are no rules like we tried to get it with quantity.

We tried to get it with time of day, fork and utensils. There are no rules, but we know what a snack is and what a meal is. A hundred percent. If we got 1,200 things on a list and we all blindly checked which one it is, we'd answer the same thing for all of them. No quantity of peanuts can ever be a meal. Exactly. That is true.

Isn't that true? No, you cannot peanut into a meal. What are you having for dinner tonight? Peanuts. A lot of them. A lot of them. Unless. That is true. Isn't that true? No, you cannot peanut into a meal. What are you having for dinner tonight? Peanuts. A lot of them. Unless you smash them up and make them buttery and put them on a piece of bread. Then that's totally fine. You can meal that. You can meal that.

Alright, so I was born. I know right from wrong. I know snacks for meals. And are you going with the meals or the snacks? The meals. I can move. I could go through every day of my life and never have a snack. So you're not a snacker. I'm going to go snacks.

I'm snacks, Jason. Which side are you on? I have to take the meals. And I think that this would be so good. This is just something I should do. I should just eat meals and stop snacking. Okay. I feel like you've learned a lot of things you should do from this podcast.

Well, to be fair, I already knew them. But there's a difference between having knowledge and following knowledge. And wisdom. Sure, yes. All right. Would you rather get paid $50,000 a year to moderate flagged Instagram posts for eight hours a day, or $100,000 a year to assemble Lego display sets for 10 hours a day. It's even longer, a 10-hour day. I don't know if you know this, Mike, because I know you've been known to Lego.

Yes. Jason, I don't know if you've been known to Lego or not. Not really. I don't think so. You can enter a flow state while you lego yes there's kind of a it's like uh the people that like doing puzzles it's very similar to that it's just kind of you're just you're not concentrating too hard but you're not not concentrating it's good for you i think that's the way i would go i love a lego set for my birthday uh the fam got me

that the old school nintendo entertainment system television set and i spent the weekend putting it together with my kids it was a great time did you get into a lego flow oh i i love putting them together but here's the problem i this was a a two-day project so and it was like the afternoon for two days so probably 10 plus hours total or whatever around there by the end of it though my thumbs were annihilated uh not in like parts of my index fingers from you'd have to build some you would have to yes there would be a you would build calluses like a guitar player you would your your hands would have very specific lego calluses you could just take things out of the oven no no gloves once once you've done this job long enough just

use your fingertips and that's not burning you you can those calluses are just they might as well be heat i don't think there's enough money you could pay me to moderate flagged posts though because that is like it's like somebody saying if i paid you a million dollars a year to take little sips of poison every few minutes you would eventually i mean it's corrupting your mind and your soul this is no joke because back in the day yeah i was hoping you'd bring it yeah back in the day. Yeah, I was hoping you'd bring it up. Yeah, back in the day, I used to run a business called Pyzam, and we had some employees, and we made a thing where users can upload photos to use on social media. I think it was like a slideshow program that we made or something.

like a slideshow program that we made or something and we had my my best friend at the time brian ketron bro whoa whoa whoa he's gonna be so happy oh no well hold on cut that out brian ketron um is a loser who is you're too far gone jason you cannot recover from that. That was the most Freudian slip of all time. I'm offended. Oh, what? Brian. Yeah, Brian. Disgusting. Bryant Kaler.

So you can see how. Why are we giving away names? I'm just saying we had. He lives at 1234. I don't understand this. I don't either. What happened to I know a guy? Yeah. Okay, I know a guy.

We'll just. See, you don't know this. I don't either. What happened to I know a guy? Yeah. Okay, I know a guy. We'll just... See, you don't know who it is. But they had to do this job. Do this exact job. And it was far more devastating than you could ever imagine because people are the worst. There's things you shouldn't see. No.

That's all there is to it. We'll leave it there on spitballers. Yeah, I don't think that there's any way you could take the $50,000 a year job. And you're getting paid more money to do Legos. But it's longer. It's two hours. It's fine. It's not like it's double the length of the job.

I'm not doing the other one for a million dollars. I get that. But a 10-hour workday, that's a lot of time. Yeah, a lot of calluses that would that would become tedious and awful no question no question but i would at least when i go home at the end of the day i'll have built something you will not have been destroyed yeah randy from patreon would you rather be able to talk to dead people or visit with aliens oh very simple question here here Here we go, Randy.

Yeah, very simple, and yet diving into this question. Exactly. Talking to dead people. The nuance. Or visiting with aliens. I mean, there are people who claim they can speak to dead people. There are people that have claimed

to have visited aliens. Well, they are more of like aliens visited them and yeah i mean but all one in the same been abducted oh man what do you i don't even know where to start well i think that so there's pros and cons to both of these each one of these says like speaking to dead people there's there's some you know you're you've got a family member that you've lost that's right great. But we've all seen Sixth Sense. It's not, it's, I feel like that could be scary. That could be really scary.

The documentary? Yes, the documentary. But that's if you don't know. None of them were, like, talking to their grandma. If I knew, like, if I'm well aware that I could talk to dead people, I definitely think that could be bad. But you can only talk to them. Like, they're not walking around. You have a special

red glowy telephone and you can phone the dead. Oh, so they're not just hanging out with you. Yeah, you can just talk to them. So you don't have to worry about like... So I have to initiate it?

I can't just... No, they can call you, of course. That's the problem. If I'm walking around and all of a sudden someone's talking to me... You can screen a call

from a dead person. Yeah. I feel like I would... Hi, you've You can screen a call from a dead person. Yeah. I feel like I would be... Hi, you've reached the... I would become a crazy person. It's your grandfather again. I'm bored. When are you going to make something of your life?

It's just a bunch of pestering. By the way, cancer really stunk. You still doing that podcast? Making us proud? the visit with aliens has equal risk i mean the visit could be unpleasant in fact most of the knowledge that i have from you know movies uh their their experiments could be happening i think it will be pleasant oh your odds are not the odds are not good i know i they're fantastic. That it will be pleasant? Yes.

I think that once a being of intelligence has created technology that they can actually get to this earth and then communicate with us, I think it will be peaceful. Well, there's a chance. But also, you don't hesitate to swat a fly you know what i mean like uh we could be nothing to these superior beings but i swat the fly that's in my house well you also swat the fly that's like hanging out over all your resources yeah you swat the fly in the house that you just moved into that was his house and you're like, does a nice house fly? Get out of here. If they need a new house, then there's a problem.

And they might have left because they don't have an old house. Okay, that's fair. But I still think if they're that smart. So you'll be the one to go up and shake the hand. Sure. Or shake the, whatever, tentacle. I would put the odds at 65% that if if if aliens come

here we're annihilated 65 65 we're gone we're toast what are the odds that they're just allergic to water uh come on see it could turn out that the aliens are, in fact, completely inferior and really dumb that they invade a place that is 80% of something that kills them. That could happen. I would still try this out versus some of the other planets we got. But okay, I think I'm going to do the dead person one. I've got people I miss. I'm going to do aliens because I can talk to people enough when they're alive i don't need to add to that i can't talk to aliens unless i but now i got i got one more

question here about the aliens are other people aware like do you have to become the only ambassador like only you may speak to the aliens so everybody's gonna be loading up like jay jay what do they say you gotta you gotta ask the alien about this you gotta ask the alien there could be a burden yeah like the white you're the interpreter white house is gonna be knocking down your door saying we need you to ask these questions of the aliens you'd have a lot of power i yeah i was gonna say i want that burden that's a That's a burden I would request because the power you would have, I mean, you would be on top of whatever you wanted to be on top of. The galaxy.

That's right. Do we have time for another Would You Rather? Yeah, let's do one more. All right. How are you doing today, Al? Doing great. Yeah. You're probably busy with Show 200.

Yeah, yeah. That's a lot of work. I know. I saw you had the nails and the hammer and the saw and all that stuff. I didn't know how much building was involved in show 200. The construction costs. Yeah. You guys aren't going to want the bill.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh. It's going to be good. Spare no expense. I mean, fireworks, right? Just supply chain issues. I don't know. But no, I'm glad you're doing well.

We got the judge in the house, too. Are you on microphone, judge? Hey-o. Oh, yeah, he's there. I'm surprised Owl survived Jason labeling Brian as his best friend. Yeah. Yeah, that's tough. That probably hit him in the heart.

Well, it was a terrible mistake. I mean, it was probably one of the big three regrets in my life. Now, Al, Brooks is not helping you, right? Because I made it very clear this is a you-only project for Show 200. Brooks can't help himself but to help everybody. Oh, man. Dang it, he's helping. All right, Jess from the website.

For 30 minutes per day, would you rather have to crab walk everywhere or bear crawl everywhere? So crab walk is your back is facing the ground and you're on all fours. Yeah, and going backwards. And you're going backwards. Going towards your feet? No, your head. No, I think Jason's right. I think you can go any direction.

I don't think you have to walk backwards in a crab walk. I thought the definition of the P.E. crab walk was. It was backwards. It was often backwards, yeah but but I think it could work all the way I mean you know the position fine fine you're just you're on the you're on your hands that's not comfortable on your hands and feet basically in like bridge so you're you're uh your torso your your booty's off the ground don't you put that booty down right yeah and your knees are off the ground as well, right? Correct. Yeah, you're on your feet.

You're like this. You're back. Oh, for the crab. For the crab. I'm saying for the bear. The bear walk, your toes are down and your hands are down and that's it. And your knees are up. Yeah, and your booty's up. They're actually pretty close.

They're just inverted. Okay. Yeah, that's right. That's right. You don't have to have the booty up. You just have to have the feet and the hands, right? Which position could you just hold longer? The crab, right? That's right. You don't have to have the booty up. You just have to have the feet and the hands, right? Which position could you just hold longer? The crab, right?

No, bear. Really? Yeah. That's the top of your... For sure. No way. Yes. Because you can lock your arms in the crab.

Yeah, the lock, the crab lock. You're not using any of your muscles in the crab. Sure. Just sit on an enclosed joint for 30 minutes well you see how that goes face off one crab one bear what would give out first in a crab walk position hold your legs or your arms i think your arms yeah i think your arms i mean your legs are gonna be fine that's such an awkward position back sort of i mean it's kind of your back giving out because you got to put your booty down yeah so 30 minutes per day you have to do this.

So you've got to go out for your 30-minute walk. I mean, you've got to go out every evening or every morning, and you've got to go for your little walk, and I think I'm crab walking. I mean, but then you're going to get nowhere. If I walk crab style for 30 minutes, I maybe got to my mailbox. What are you getting as a bear walk? Oh, you can run in bear position if you needed to. I'm not saying that I would run for 30 minutes.

I'm just saying you could. You could. The fastest you can crab walk is like. I don't think you can go very fast in a bear walk. Are you putting both hands up like a gazelle? No. Like, are you? You're not.

If you were going to run, if you were going to bear crawl as a run, then would both hands go up? I don't know. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Versus just alternating arms? It would be alternating arms. This is such good radio. Maybe.

You might turn into a bit of a cheetah. And gallop? I can't gallop. You might. You might. Have you seen my shape? You can crab walk. Also, I don't know why Jason's so concerned about how far he's moving

doing these activities i think that this is a 30 minutes 30 minutes 30 minutes of your day that is devoted to just physical fitness of these two activities or one but the thing is is if i have to you know travel for 30 minutes a day you don't have to travel you don't have to travel you can just be in the office but why would i want to crawl around oh you're thinking like you're not thinking of it like i was where like every night you go out and crab walk you're thinking of it as there's just an alarm that goes off during the day and you move into your crab or bear position and try to move on through the day yeah so you have to accomplish something so i've got 30 30 minutes i've got to be in one of these positions right the crab walk So I've got 30 minutes. I've got to be in one of these positions.

Right. The crab walk means I've got 30 minutes where I cannot function. I don't think you could do anything other than this. What's easier to eat in, crab walk or bear walk? Bear. Bear? I don't know. Give me a bowl.

How in the world would you eat on your back? You got a tray. That's how emperors eat. They get fed. They're laying on their backs. So someone has to feed you. Yeah got a tray? That's how emperors eat. They get fed on their, they're laying on their backs. So someone has to feed you. Yeah,

yeah, that part's. Yeah, I guess getting the food into the mouth part. Because your hands are stuck on the floor. You can carry it around. I think I might go bare

in case I need to use the restroom during that 30 minutes. Ooh, good call. One of those, one of those is sad and one of those is horrific. Right. One of those is sad, and one of those is horrific.

Right. One of those is a real problem. It's like a little infant boy. I mean, the irony is that the crab can go number two a little bit better, and the bear can go number one. A bear goes number two in the forest. See, you're not really a bear in this situation, though, are you? In my mind, I am.

In bear position, you can absolutely spread your legs and take a dump. I could make this happen. And there you go. So I'm taking the bear. All right, and let's move it on down the road. Spidwads, how are you sleeping? You sleeping as good as I am? Probably not if you don't have a Helix mattress.

I'm sleeping like a king on my Helix. I have my guest bedroom with a Helix mattress, and Al Borland and his family, they stayed the night, one night, and they go, I need that mattress. And Al went out and bought that mattress. But Helix is great because they're going to make a mattress that's perfect for you. And this is genuine. It's not a joke. They don't just like have you take a quiz and then give everyone the same mattress.

All of us here have done it. We've all taken their two-minute quiz where you say what kind of body type you are. They got a plus-size mattress for plus-size sleepers like me. Are you a back sleeper, a side sleeper? Do you and your partner sleep the same or differently? You answer a couple of questions and then they're going to match you with the model of mattress that is perfect for you, whether you like soft, medium, firm. Just go to helixsleep.com slash ballers, take their two minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. They're the best overall mattress pick of 2020 by GQ and Wired Magazine.

Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com. That's helixsleep.com for up to $200 off and two free pillows. That's a great question. Nothing greater than that last one, though, right? Of course. This one comes in from Patreon. When constructing the perfect sandwich, does the cheese go on top, middle, or bottom of the meat? This is kind of a...

So we're talking this is a deli sandwich. Yeah, I mean, clearly there are multiple... For there to be a middle, there must be multiple meats. Well, it could be a double cheeseburger. Certainly, certainly. But that's not considered a perfect sandwich. No, it is not. A cheeseburger is not a sandwich.

So it's a burger. That's right. So let's say you've got a piece of cheese and you've got some ham and you've got some turkey. So let's just make it simple. And then where do you put the cheese in that equation? Because I have where I would go by default, but I'm really curious. I know where I would go, and I also know where you should go and are they the same they are not the same so you're saying that people out there making thousands of sandwiches every day

they're they're making them imperfect they're making them easy oh they're okay you think it belongs in the middle don't you're darn right do. But the easy thing is on top. That's right. You play all your meat down. And bottom just seems broken. Bottom is weird. But you're eating it the same, but it does seem wrong. You're not eating it quite the same because your tongue is going to get that cheese first.

And cheese, while delicious, is not as salty and delicious as meat. Is that what it is? It's like an order of operations? Absolutely. The sandwich will taste different. How slow are you biting this sandwich? Oh, not slow at all, my man. My tongue.

But how are you distinguishing which flavor you are getting first if you're biting the sandwich? There's a savoring phase. Absolutely. It's like eating a Pringle upside down. You're getting that flavor. Ooh, nice comp, bro. You're getting that flavor bro you're getting that flavor immediately hitting that tongue and then it all blends in together have you never eaten pringles upside down i didn't realize it on purpose because i didn't know the flavor more

yes there's an upside down i don't eat them upside down like you're not you're not that's not my mouth shape you're not upside down you're you're in a crab walk you see yeah you've never eaten pringles upside down? You just put your feet up on the wall, do a handstand, and then have someone feed you Pringles. I know we're talking sandwiches, but now I'm thinking about Pringles. Wait a second. The deuces are also confirming you eat Pringles upside down on purpose? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, my people. What? Yes. Because it is so much more flavorful. That delicious powder they put on there, man. Can I get... Is it okay to eat a whole thing? Yes.

For sure. It's expected. All right. I mean, it's not... It's not expected. It's why it says serving size one. It's five servings. Well, 150 calories a serving.

Those people are... I've become an unadulterated, passionate, regular Pringles devotee. Interesting. What's your go-to? I mean, my go-to is still a plain Pringle. The original? Yeah, they're great. But I go with...

Look, I have four. The cheddar cheese is tremendous. Absolutely. The ranch is tremendous. It's great. The original is tremendous. Absolutely. The ranch is tremendous. It's great. The original is great. And then, I can justify it mentally to eat the lightly salted regular and then twice as much. Now, see, I have a bone to pick with Pringles.

I don't know what happened. I can't fit my arm in there. No one can. What I don't understand is the color, the universal color for salt and vinegar chips is blue. For the container. Yeah. And once upon a time, at least in my mind, how I remember it. They didn't ranch, didn't they?

No, blue was salt and vinegar. Yeah. But now that blue is the sour cream and onion. Or no, no, I'm sorry. Not sour cream. The cheddar and sour cream and onion. No, I'm sorry. The cheddar and sour cream. I don't know what happened. When I just looked up Pringles blue can, I see Pringles, and I'm looking at the can right now. It's all salt and vinegar.

It's all salt and vinegar. But the cheddar and sour cream is now in a blue can as well. Cheddar and sour cream. No, it's in a lighter blue. I think it's a lighter blue. Right. Yeah, you're right. But, it's in a lighter blue. I think it's a lighter blue. Right. Yeah, you're right. But why is that light blue?

Instead of green? Because ranch is green. No, green is sour cream and onion, which is the best. Instead of cheddar and sour cream. I misspoke. But cheddar and sour cream. Light blue?

What are we doing here? What's your color for cheddar and sour cream then? It's got to be. Not blue. It has to be blue. It has to be. Like a light yellow? Exactly right. Sure.

Because cheddar. Yes. Don't eat blue cheddar. It's what mama always told me. Have you ever had the party packs that have got a little extra on top? Oh, yeah. That's just family size. That's party size.

Yeah. It's funny debating them because they're all delicious. There isn't a bad Pringle. I would agree with that. There's not a bad Pringle, but sour cream and onions, the goat. That's funny debating them because they're all delicious. There isn't a bad Pringle. I would agree with that. There's not a bad Pringle, but sour cream and onions, the goat. That's your favorite? Yeah, by far. So, Mike, you've literally never turned a Pringle over and let that just slam into your tongue.

It fits in your mouth so perfect the other way. Yeah. The OG way. The shape of my mouth matches up perfectly with the Pringle. Yeah. It's just like, no way. Do you take a bite then? Are you a psycho and you bite the Pringle. Yeah, it's just like, no way. Do you take a bite then? Are you a psycho and you bite the Pringle?

No, I don't take a bite. I pop that sucker in my mouth. Upside down. Upside down. Then you can turn it. Under the tongue? You got sharp ridges going all up into the roof of your mouth. I don't know if I can make, I'll try it, guys.

Don't get me wrong. I ordered literally like, I don't know, 20 Pringle containers the other day. This is just very, sounds very dangerous. Risky behavior. My research shows. They started out rectangles, Mike. You should have seen those. My research shows that the order that your tongue hits something before fully biting it up and chewing it and it all becomes one thing totally changes the flavor.

You might be right, but that doesn't mean that people, some people like cheese a lot, like myself. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Before we go back to sandwiches. So you're telling me on the Pringles, the upside down, is it because the other side is coated with more of the artificial flavoring? It is coated with more of the powder, yeah. Okay.

You didn't get that the whole time? Well, I was just trying to confirm, because at first I thought it was a physics shape thing. No, no, no. The shape is worse. I will grant that. But the shape is not as bad as you think. And we'll give it a go tonight.

All right. Moments from now. Yeah. I think everybody that is making a generic sandwich puts meat and then cheese on top. Yeah. That's what everybody... If you are like, well, no, I put the cheese down and then the meat, you're kind of weird.

I recommend you do the cheese on top of the meat, but double up the cheese. Oh, okay. People don't double the cheese enough, and I don't know why. I'm with that. Cheese should be middle and the top. Oh, double. Oh, yeah. Middle and top.

And if you want to put it on the bottom i'm not gonna call the police sure triple cheese triple cheese look it ain't easy being cheesy and i love it i would much rather triple meat i'd rather meat cheese meat hear me out here you are me here cheese meat okay meat cheese cheese meat cheese cheese Okay, that's, I'm in. And then you butter the bread. Oh, you have to butter it. Also. With some mayo.

You have Siri on standby with the ambulance. Yeah. Now, wait, you were the one telling me you should put mayo in and use that for a grilled cheese. Yes. Which I've still never done. It's not. Wait, instead of butter on the outside? Yes.

Or with butter? With butter? It is not better it is a perfectly acceptable substitute if you are going to make a grilled cheese and you're like oh no i don't have butter whatever if you put mayo on there it grills the same it grills the same and works okay perfectly but no taste difference not really like that's unfortunate it's it's it's surprising that it you would think it would have a massive taste difference. Food is delicious.

I love food. Yeah. All right. Arnold from Patreon. Are there more sticks of gum or bottles of water in the world? Okay. Here we go. That's a weird one.

Was it wheels, doors? Wheels and windows. Yeah. Sticks of gum or bottles of water in the world. I want to say bottles of water. Oh, I want to say gum. Well, well, well. I feel like it's easily gum.

Lucky neither of us actually said that. We only wanted to say it. We need Jason to handle this. My initial instinct is sticks of gum. They're so tiny. You can fit so many in a box. Absolutely. Every gas station.

They're moving away from sticks, though, guys. Let's just talk. There's a lot of cubes. Do those count? Do the cubes count? No. Individual pieces of gum? No, this says sticks.

No, just the sticks. Okay. I will cede that argument. Just talk about a gas station. What does a gas station have more of? Sticks of gum. It's got to be gum. Or bottles of water.

Yeah, because bottles of water take up so much room. Yeah. And while they probably do have more real estate, you just can't compete with the amount of gum that can be stacked in this little tiny area. But here's the real reason I think that there are more sticks of gum in the world than there are bottles of water. Bottles of water are, on a long enough timeline, they're a pretty new invention. Yeah. Sticks of gum have been around for a century.

But those sticks of gum are no longer sticks of gum. Those are chewed gum. But the bottled water is still there. Not all sticks of gum get eaten. Plenty of packs are old. They get thrown away. That doesn't mean they don't exist. Okay, so you're counting the sticks of gum in the dump.

Yes, absolutely. If it's a stick, it says on the earth. You think gum came out a lot before water? I think sticks of gum came out. Before bottled water for sure. 50 years before water at least. 50. I think bottled water was invented in our lifetime.

I think the sticks of gum must have been invented probably when they got stuffed into the, like when the sports cards got put into the. No, forever. Modern chewing gum was first developed in the 1860s. That was no stick. Modern chewing gum. Yeah, I'm looking at it. Modern means stick of gum.

Yeah, thank you. It's just a fancy... When did bottled water come out? When plastics came out? Like the 90s? No. People... Oh, because it's glass.

Because they had glass bottles and stuff? Late 80s, maybe? Yeah, let me look it up. So we're talking plastic water bottles. Yeah. Oh, because it's glass, because they had glass bottles and stuff? Late 80s, maybe? Yeah, let me look it up. So we're talking plastic water bottles. Yeah. 1973 is when plastic water bottles were invented. So there you go. So over 100 years.

So yeah, sticks of gum wins, because history. Well, no, I mean, all the chewed gum doesn't count, though, right? I would agree with that. But he's just saying that if a pack got tossed, now that's 12 sticks's 12 sticks of gum but what about now what about today throw away just active just chewable chewable fresh chewable gum versus drinkable water i still think it's gum all right yeah i'm going um all right let's go to sean from the website what what's the hand signal to another driver that they've had their blinker on for the last 20 minutes there's a couple it's isn't it isn't it this so you for the people listening at home andy is opening and

closing his hand which like a blinker like it's that's not a bad visual representation of i've done that before it's something that is flashing yeah i, I can't imagine I would use a hand signal. Well, you have to. Well, I realize that's the question, but I'm just saying in life, it's usually a flash the brights, right? No, flash the brights is if your lights are off. Right, I agree. That is the default.

Or get their attention. That could be a get their attention. But if someone flashed their brights at me, I'm going to check my lights. I'm going to go, oh, are my lights off? Oh, my blinker's on. I'm not telling anybody. For what it's worth, I'm not telling anybody. If they have their blinker on, I don't care.

Yeah, the correct result is just laughter. Yeah, I'm just laughing at this person driving around like a dummy. So maybe it should be a thumbs down. Maybe it should just be a drive-by. No, there's no way. You roll down the window. You give them a thumbs down. Thumbs down be a drive no there's no you roll down the window you get my thumbs down like yeah that is okay so what do you i don't even know what i think of someone thumbs down that is such a good idea not just not for this but like just in general universe like

the universal symbol that a driver will give you they'll give you the bird and you're like oh that's rude and what did i do yeah what did you deserve that like if you've ever been hit with it like it it feels bad but if someone drove by and just gave you a thumbs down man i mean you would have absolutely no idea but you would be tilted off the face of the earth what if they did the soul face plug the nose and go i mean you better be on auto drive because i recommend one hand on the wheel but i think a thumbs down will really get them soul searching it will um and so do you ever hear seinfeld talk about how easy it is to give the finger and how if you really wanted to offend somebody it should take more effort like giving

him the toe he says if you take your shoe and your sock off and you hang that toe up there. That's what I'm talking about. A thumbs down. I don't know what to do. A thumbs down would be, that's a new level of insult. And I can do that in front of my kids. My kids can be in the car. And I'm really upset at this driver who's been doing a very poor job of driving.

That window goes down, thumbs down, and I drive off. I'm using this. Hey, honey, why do you look so sad? What happened today? Somebody gave me a thumbs down, and I don't know why. I'm driving on the freeway, and I got a thumbs down. Some guy grabbed his nose and said it was really stinky. Could he smell me?

And he looked at me with the PU face. Oh, boy. Okay. Let's jump into this draft. Hey, Spitwise. Did you know that browsing online using incognito mode doesn't actually protect your privacy? That's right. Without added security, you might as well be giving away all your private data to hackers,

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That's ipvanish.com slash ballers. The Spitballers Draft. All right. The Spitballers Draft. All right. Today we are drafting the... Basically, we're drafting the best male actors to defend you in a court of law. So this is not...

This is who could be the most, what, convincing representation for you? It can be however you want. And this is not characters. No. So we are not drafting. Matlock. Yes, you are not drafting.

That's a great one. You are not drafting Perry Mason to represent you. Benjamin Button. You are drafting that actor based on how well you think they could defend you. Can I just say something? And I know this show is meant to be evergreen, but Johnny Depp's trial has been going on recently. Yes. And I can't help but wonder if his incredible acting skills

really benefit him in court. I think they do. Because if he did something right or wrong, like if any actor in the world, I'll just, let me broaden it. If any actor does something and they're put on trial and interrogated relentlessly and they have to lie aren't they the best at it in the world yeah they've got a lot of practice it is but that is cool for it it is actor v actress so we're we have some equal playing ground that's true but and whatever whatever this is not current but my wife is hooked on this j-dep case like i come home and i get the entire rundown of what is so do uh has either of your wives been pulled in

to the drama that is the the case no my wife has no clue what happens outside of in the regular world at any time. But but I have I've watched enough clips of it to to have that thought. That's where I'm at. It's it's just everywhere on social media where you can't not see all sorts of clips. All right, Jason, you have the number one pick best male actors to defend you in court. We're putting together a nice team to, you know get the jury on our side convince the judge that you know you're innocent well first and foremost i want charisma okay that i want

i was i'm intrigued to see what route people go so i want a charismatic defender of the law who can capture a jury's attention and who can make the prosecutor look stupid. You need a little bit of pizzazz. You need to come across as intelligent. a better actor who can be charismatic, can be likable, can be mean, and make someone feel foolish than the man himself in the iron suit talking about Robert Downey Jr. He can do it all. He can be serious, but he's going to entertain that jury, make them forget what I did, what I allegedly did. Now, they'll have to forget

what Robert Downey did, though, too, right? That'll be part of it. Hey, he Ironman'd his way out of that circumstance. Nobody remembers that anymore. He has experience in a courtroom. That's a good point. All right. That's a good pick. The number one name that popped into my head right off

the bat, no questions asked. I don't know why but there's not even a close second for me i want denzel in that courtroom i want denzel washington is number three in the courtroom the passion the empathy he can evoke the sincerity i mean this man is looked at by the best of hollywood as mentor. I want that guy defending me and making really robust points. And do you ever remember the movie The Hurricane? Did either of you see that movie? Oh, yeah.

No. Wait, that was the boxing? Yeah, that was the boxing movie. He was actually on trial, I believe, in that movie. But man alive, Denzel in a courtroom. Let me go. That's what I'm saying. Let me go. Let me go. He's what I'm saying. Let me go.

Let me go. He's very, very high up on my list. But the first name that popped into my head, and because he's a tremendous actor, he is a method actor, but it was like what I said of like what characteristic am I looking for? I think that this guy could be one of those people that studies for and passes the bar in like two months. Oh, that's a method.

Because he just absorbs and becomes other people. So I'm going with Daniel Day-Lewis right out the gate. Number one, I mean, charisma, passion. This guy could bring the anger and the thunder if he needs to. But I think that the man could legitimately just know law quick enough. That's pretty funny. To represent me. Now, is there a chance he doesn't show up for your court date?

There's a chance. Where he's just kind of done with it? I don't know. Okay. I hope not. I'm paying him a lot of money to represent me. All right. And he only gets paid if I win.

You better like the project. All right. And then to back up Daniel Day-Lewis, or I don't know how we're doing. Are we drafting a team? No, this is a brand new trial. You've committed another crime. Daniel Day-Lewis, he already walked out. So you're on the lawyer too.

All right. I need a man who has seen a lot of things in his life. He's got age on his side. He has wisdom. And he's got, when it comes down to it he's got a smooth smooth voice that voice that's gonna help him out as well okay that does help i'm gonna take morgan freeman all right he was high on my list as well try and convince the jury the voice i'm guilty when morgan freeman is letting them know that I didn't do it. Yeah, the voice really gives someone authority. Yes.

He's also played God in a movie, so that helps. That may or may not have happened. I was there. I don't know. I am just an alleged criminal. All right, so you got Daniel Day-Lewis, Morgan Freeman. We're drafting best male actors to defend you in court. Jason has Robert Downey Jr.

I have Denzel. It's my pick, huh? Mm-hmm. Look, he's just too darn likable. No, no, no, no. Tom Hanks. No! That's right!

You thought Hanks would make it back? I was one pick away. Yeah, I mean, all he had to do was take Indy one, not name Tom Hanks, and he makes it back. Dang it. Fair point, but I gotta take Tom Hanks here. He can do. Dang it. That's a fair point, but I got to take Tom Hanks here. He can do it all.

He's so darn likable. He's just going to be believed. You're just going to believe him. Who's going to look at Tom Hanks and say, I think he's lying. I think he's a liar. No one. No, you're going to be like, well, if he said that, that's got to be true. It's the shortest case in the history of the Corps.

Like, wait a minute. Your representation is Tom Hanks? If Tom Hanks stands up, he didn't do it, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen, he didn't do it. Oh, that's true. That's true. Tom Hanks said he didn't do it. All right, Jason, I'm sorry to steal him from you.

They deliberated for 30 seconds. Oh, that really, really throws a wrench because he was like my superstar you know the super celebrity famous uh you know big name guy and my I was gonna pair him with someone who is I mean everyone on this list is a very famous actor but it's certainly not to the level of a Denzel to a Tom Hanks. But this guy is a brilliant human being. Oh, like in real life. It's so many things. I believe he was I think it was the Brown University faculty member prior to being an

actor as John Krasinski, who really, really, he is a super smart dude. And so this is not the actor that we're getting play, you know, playing a role. It's the human being who's defending us in court. And he will actually win the case for me. Talk about Jim. Yes. Jim from the office. No, I was trying to bait that out because it will be hard not to see Jim oh yeah like I just I just lost the poll because people are gonna uh who's John Krasinski I mean no I mean I know who he is but yeah he's Jim yeah Jim does he kind of a little bit smirk every time he tries to defend you though does he look at the

camera directly he definitely looks at the camera directly all right those would be good glances but he's gotten he's you know he's gotten more action hero-y lately so he's yeah what's the uh uh the clancy role that he played yeah he played uh yeah yeah he played a marine he played a marine that show's clearly doing well all right oh man all right so you got john krasinski none of us know what top of mind all right if you take tom hanks i'm gonna go with another i think there is something valuable to age to being a little bit older to appearing wiser oh no sure like morgan freeman yeah yeah absolutely and so right now I've got Robert Downey Jr. He's not there yet.

And John Krasinski's a ways off from being the old wise actor. But I'm taking someone who is on our set right now. I'm taking Michael Keaton. Interesting. Wow. Michael Keaton. Absolutely. You want to get nuts. Let's get

nuts. I think he's got, you know, I still believe that you have to have some charisma in that. You got to have Batman in the room. Yeah. He can play every aspect of a character of this lawyer that is needed. And I think

I'll get away scot-free. Did you know that he did stand-up comedy? I believe it I didn't know it but that was wild when I had heard that the first time Alright my next pick it doesn't it helps me as the innocent victim here to

have confidence in this actor to come in and know that they belong in a courtroom because some people can't handle the truth. But this guy can handle the truth. Tom Cruise is going to bring the heat. Interesting. And I'm putting him in the courtroom.

Now, look, I'll be the first to mention one of the fallacies here of Tom Cruise. And he's going to be great. Don't get me wrong. He's a great actor. He's great in the courtroom. But in the movies, they don't highlight his diminutive side. So he will need a stepstool to defend me properly. But we'll get him a stepstool.

And Tom Cruise will take it. I had to preemptive strike that. Yeah, you did. I knew you were going to bring it. I was about to hop on there because, I mean, I'm not even sure they're going to see him over the little jury box. Oh, come on. You can't handle the jury.

He is tough on the screen. He's a tiny guy. He is a short guy. And in our heads, he may be shorter than he really is now. 5'7". No, he can't be that short. Yeah. Wait.

How tall are you, Al? Isn't Al 5'7"? No, Al's 5'9". Correct. You're 5'9"? So, Jason, you're 5'9". I am 5'11". Alright. Denzel, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruz.

Going back to Mike for your final two picks. And I really I didn't pick somebody there strategically to see if he'd make it through you. So, I'll be disappointed if you take him. But go ahead. I know my next two picks. with the

in no particular order because I like both of these guys but I'm going to take. He's an older gentleman again. He's got he's got the silver tongue and this guy this year. Why don't even know you getting it off of that one. I mean this guy this feller I feel like he can talk his way out of almost any situation. Maybe not. On top of that, he's an absolute total babe. I mean, this guy is. No, my guy.

Okay, this is a hard. I'm taking Mr. George Clooney. Oh, that's a good one. I didn't even have him on the list. I didn't have him on the list. But it's a good pick. How dare you insult the Clones. He's just not really doing much these days, so he's probably available for the courtroom.

How dare me indeed. You get Danny Ocean's just not really doing much these days, so he's probably available for the courtroom. How dare me indeed. You get Danny Ocean in there? Phenomenal pick. Yeah, the silver. The silver hair is the key. And the stuff, like he could just, he's a smooth talker. Yeah.

Oh, what a great pick. And he can handle the pressure. Yeah. And then I'm going to round it out with day four, so my fourth trial for this fourth. Clooney can break you out too, like Ocean's Eleven style. Yeah, backup plan. If he loses, he can break you out too. Like Ocean's Eleven style if you need. Yeah. Back up. If he loses he can get you out. Just a backup plan. But I'm going to bring in a little

bit of an accent because that always impresses every all of us stupid Americans when you know and I'm going to take a really another old wise fellow that I was right. Yes. Oh I don't know if we're talking about the same guy but I'm going to take Ian McKellen. We are not.

Good, good. Thank goodness, because I'm taking his dear friend immediately following. Who are you? Patrick Stewart. We got the team. I was taking, because of the same, I'm only throwing it in real quick, because look, here's the facts. You're more trustworthy with an accent.

You are. You come from the UK. You're getting me off scott free scott free all right freedom ian mckelly patrick stewart j, you are up. Oh, my gosh. You're up, buddy. I'm so up. Let's go with. So I had a couple names on my list, but I will draft the one that I thought Mike was drafting. The older gentleman with a wonderful accent. You freaked out with every pick that's going to make it.

It was not that guy at all. Turns out there's a lot of old actors. And then Andy, I thought he was hopping in. But I'm taking the best Alfred. I'm taking Michael Kane. Because I need that accent as well. Oh, you're matching the

accent. Yeah, the accent and the wisdom and the age. He was on my list too. He was on the list list that's a great pick like he's like his history is like he's like this he did I think military service I think he's a smart dude I don't know nothing about that yeah I think he'd do

it for him up all right Jason ended up with Robert Downey Jr. John Krasinski Michael Keaton and Michael Kane I ended up with Denzel Tom Hanks Tom Cruise Cruise, and Patrick Stewart. Mike has Daniel Day-Lewis, Morgan Freeman, George Clooney, and Ian McKellen. Now, there were so many to pick from. I can't believe we got the pair.

I know. Well, when you said older with an accent, I was terrified. That was the name I tried to get past you. Other names that were on my list. You got Professor X. I got Magneto. That's right. Leo DiCaprio, I think that might be the biggest omission from the list.

I also, if I needed to go during Intimidation, I was going to go Liam Neeson. And I thought Jeff Bridges might be able to pull. And Christian Bale. Yeah, Bale is on the list. I don't know, man. Bale's on the list, but I think he might be too much of a loose key. And Matthew McConaughey. Yeah, I could see that.

I had Benedict Cumberbatch, however you say his name. Cumberbatch? I don't know how to say it. Not that way with a lack of confidence towards the end. Cumberbatch. Cumberbatch, there it is. Kevin Costner. Oh, sure.

With the cowboy hat. Oh, yeah. Sam Jackson. Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. With the cowboy hat. Oh, yeah. Sam Jackson.

Because if you got to treat him. Oh, yeah. If he gets permission to treat the witnesses hostile, watch out. And I had Conan O'Brien, Magna Cum Laude from Harvard. Because he's smart. Yeah. Really? I considered it. He has the opposite of the Tom Cruise situation.

Yeah, that is the problem. No one's going to believe anything he says. Oh, you're too tall. Where's the joke? All right. That's true. Yeah, that is the problem. No one's going to believe anything he says. Where's the joke? All right. That's true. Yeah, the comedian. All right. That'll do it for today's draft.

What did we learn today? I learned a couple things, but I learned that sticks of gum started in the 1800s. Yeah, I learned that sticks of gum started in the 1800s. Yeah, I learned that as well. Almost 100 years younger than bottled water. And I learned that you thought it was Cumberbatch. I learned that we've been overlooking the most savage of physical hand signs, and it's just a good old-fashioned thumbs down. Oh, yeah.

Dumbs down. That's powerful. It is. Do you make a grimace face? You have to,, yeah. Dumbs down. That's powerful. It is. Do you make a grimace face? You have to, right? I feel like you could go any face. You could smile. Oh, just straight face?

Hey. That'll do it for today's episode. Please tell your friends about the show. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.