Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 197: Attic Full Of Farts & Things You Don't Want To Find In Your Food - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 6, 2022

On this show, we discuss which half of our body we would rather look old, pooping out a butter knife, and being followed by flies. Then, we hand out some extremely wise and practical life advice. Lastly, we close the show down with a draft of the worst things to find in your food at a restaurant. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Rickety pow pow rickety brown cow kabloomy! rickety pow pow rickety brown cow kabloomy oh goodness gracious uh that felt good on this end i liked it you've been reading some over there i mean that was one of our go-to books the mr brown hears the sound or whatever it is yeah how now brown cow no i mean that's that's the one. Brown Hears the Sound or whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How Now, Brown Cow. No.

I mean, that's the one that I went with. How Now, Brown Cow. Oh, it's Mr. Brown. It's like thunder goes boom, boom or something like that. Look. But it was great. It was great. A lot of people don't understand this about life. Scatting reveals a lot of the inner recesses of your memory.

Yes, yes. And so it will bring, in fact, some of the highest,es of your memory yes yes and so it will bring in fact some of the the highest most heralded harvard graduate psychologists will ask their patients you know these therapists will ask their patients to scat to kind of bring up a lot of the old memories of their childhood and help heal the original line in forrest gump was you can learn a lot about a person from his scat but then they thought that that might be confusing on the poop level. It's like the ink blot test.

Right. Yeah, oh yeah, what are those things called? Rorschach. Rorschach. Rorschach. Rorschach. Rorschach. Yeah.

Same guy. Same guy did it. And that's what it is. It's not ink. It's Rorschach sauce. You can learn a lot about a person if they can say Worcestershire sauce. Oh, my goodness. Welcome to episode 197 of the Spitballers podcast.

Andy Mac and Jason with you. Al Borland pulling the levers. You got the judge back there spinning the knobs. And then there's Josh, and he's just sitting there. Would you rather life advice and a draft on today's show drafting the worst things to find in your food at a restaurant uh so that will be a lot of fun you can find out more about the show on twitter at spitballers pod the website spitballerspodcom. Thank you to so many supporting the show over on Patreon. We appreciate you.

And for following the show on Apple podcasts and Spotify or wherever you listen and for telling your friends about, you know, this show and spitballers is a community thing. It's more fun with friends. Don't hoard happiness. That's right. Give happiness and share happiness.

Do drafts with your friends. Right? Yeah. Good, good, good advice, Jason. Let's do some. Would you rather? happiness that's right give happiness and share happiness do drafts with your friends right yeah good good advice jason let's do some would you rather would you rather all right ernesto from patreon says would you rather look 10 years older from the neck up or 10 years older from the neck down oh man oh which I where is the vanity when I saw this question it perplexed me immediately oh well now I plan on losing a lot of weight in the next 10 years so if I I look 10 years, so I'm going to look from the waist down. I should look way better 10 years from now.

Oh, you think you're fast forwarding to your post-workout body? Yeah, I'm skipping 10 years of hard work out. I don't know if you want to see that body. No, no, no. I thought the same thing about 10 years ago. Now, 10 years ago, if this body had shown up, would you? Oh, I should have picked face. I should have picked face a decade ago.

I mean, this is tough because I think I'm going to take 10 years older from the neck up. I already know. Like, we like playing sports and pickleball and doing things. And I already know that, like, the difference of me right now, I'm 38 years old, and what my body felt like at 28 years old tells me that there's a chance. It's just look. Oh, that's true. This is only aesthetics. It's not function?

It's not function? Otherwise, it would be a home run. You would have to take neck up. Yes. Because if you're telling me that I am a decade older and all my joints, all my muscles, all that, then this is just aesthetics. This is just when you're looking in the mirror. Would you rather see the more wrinkles, more gray hair? Wrinkles where?

Wrinkles where? That's a Dr. Sussbo. Here's the thing that is. Or some droop droop. He was droopy down below. He was droopy. Watch it was droopy watch it go all right go ahead uh it's really not fair how you know men age much it's much kinder to sure you know what i mean like george clooney might look better now than he did when he was 20 there's this i mean the silver fox

situation i can't think of any examples where like a 60year-old woman was like, I like how I look now more than I did when I was 20. There's certainly some women who have aged into their face. Oh, aged gracefully, wonderfully, for sure. But generally speaking, I feel like men get away with the wrinkles. You know what I mean? Men get away with the gray. There could be an advantage genuinely to the 10 years older uh face tell me what that would be yeah yeah hit

me i'm just make i'm i'm amplifying what you're saying where like a lot of women they like the look of kind of a rugged uh older. Salt and pepper. Salt and pepper. Yeah. I mean, like, that's a thing. Like you said, George Clooney. There are. I mean, him 10 years ago is probably better. But, you know. Okay. Maybe.

I just don't know what's going to look. Nothing's going to look better neck down. That's all I'm saying. It's all going to look worse. But here's the thing. Like, everyone sees your face every interaction. But neck down. I mean, aside from the old, you know, get some turkey. The jowls.

Going on in the turkey neck. Most people aren't going to see you shirt off aside from your significant other. Or you're at the beach. Yeah. Or you're super shredded and you just don't wear a shirt. Now, if no one can tell that this thing has happened to you that's a bad sign right that means things aren't going the right way for you like no that's a great sign if no one could if you look 10 years older and nothing has changed well i'm just saying like shouldn't somebody be able to tell like wouldn't it indict the non-aged part of your body if it matched

oh i see what you're saying like if if i was at the beach and i was shirt off like oh man that guy that guy's face looks a lot younger than his body i mean we don't have a lot of experience seeing this out in the real world yeah this isn't very but i i get what mike's saying you do because people will take 10 years off their face with uh oh with you know some some science that's what they think they're doing right instead they're adding some people do some people do it do it just fine and you never and you never know if i don't know you did it right i did a great job and then they didn't do it yes yeah um i can cover up my body i know that

for i've practiced this a lot. There's sheets big enough. There are sheets big enough. Oh my gosh, Mike, you relentless son of a gun. The color spectrum that works for me is black. Yeah, we got, we know. Have they started making clothes out of that, you know that the blackest of black color?

Oh yeah. Where it just, it absorbs all, have you ever seen this paint? Oh yeah, I've seen the the like tick tock car like it's absolutely absurd where someone painted an entire room with this shade of black it is yeah it's called the instant heat stroke uh pro plus athletic but do you just do you vanish if you had a shirt of that color well i the vanity thing is funny as a discussion point in general because mike and i are relentlessly giving Jason and Al Borland

a hard time when we play. Arizona, it's very hot. The sun, it beats down on you. It's boiling hot, and yet these two gentlemen will accept that extra 20 degrees of pain to go out there and wear black. What color is your shirt today, Jason? It's black. You should look at my closet.

My closet is 100% black shirts. I don't have another option, and I won't have another option until I lose weight because the lighter colors are reflective. You see the shape. Yeah, it reflects the sun away. It keeps you cooler. Yeah, it reflects off all my body parts, all my jiggles. I don't want that exposure.

So I'm going to continue hiding my body. I will keep this young face of mine. Yeah, and I want to finish the thought because I wasn't just calling you out. I was saying everybody's kind of got their thing like that because when I was talking to Jeremy about it because we were giving him grief about like, dude, you literally had heat stroke because you wore like black clothes. Then we pointed out like Jason was wearing a tank top one day and that's much cooler than wearing the white shirt. Yeah, but I won't wear no tank top. I'm too self-conscious to wear a tank top. So we've all got these lines that we have set for ourselves,

and we're willing to suffer for them. It is amazing. I don't know if there's something deeper here. I got no problem wearing a tank top, but I can't wear a white shirt. Interesting. Yeah, that's strange. Yeah, it is. Have you thought about a bikini top?

I think I'm just going to start rocking skins. You know what I mean? Get a nice tan. Which is like wearing a white shirt. Yes, for a while. Yep. All right. Lyle from Twitter.

Would you rather poop out one butter knife or poop 1,000 liters of mayonnaise? Okay. Okay. So let's examine as we do but not too closely is the mayonnaise digested like or is it like no this is like it's coming out mayonnaise so there's there's i'm gonna get some natural protection on the bungie like it won't just think you think mayonnaise protects your bungie oh you could use mayonnaise like lotion i'm saying that well that that could do a lot of things that's

that uh expelling well we got 264 gallons of mayonnaise that's a lot that is that yeah we just got the update from the from the deuces sending that's a lot sending out that level of mayonnaise is a lot different than sending out that level of acidic diarrhea. Can we get a, how many flushes is that going to be? Oh, yeah. What is the average size of a toilet? I mean, how many gallons of mayonnaise per flush? Do some math back there.

I think you can get a gallon of flush. Can you? Yeah, you could get a gallon of mayonnaise. So 264 flushes? That's right. That's a lot of work. Now, the butter knife, on the other hand, is a butter knife. Yeah, can you guarantee me that it's going out vertical and not horizontal?

Yes, I can. I can absolutely guarantee you that because it's impossible for it to go out any other way. I mean, that's going to be painful, right? Maybe. Is it coated? No, it's not coated. Look, it's a butter knife, not a steak steak knife but butter knives still have the little serrated you can cut oh absolutely it's not gonna be comfy but it's over it's done how long how much time can't flush the butter knife

that's true you gotta dig it out yeah how much time would it take to have a thousand leaders expelled? That's a long time. And how much time would it take for you to heal from your serrated bungie? I think the truth is no matter how much time, I can't serrate my bungie. I've got to have the mayonnaise on this one. Okay. All right. I i mean that's a day i mean you're definitely taking it's a day a day committed to the mayonnaise that's fine i think it'll be done after that i got some weird kind of flu i'm not sure what this is but it looks like it'd be delicious on a sandwich i got a weird kind of flu you say look fam this is gonna sound weird but i had to make

a choice it was either a butter knife it was the best foods morning um okay jeffrey from the website would you rather get food poisoning monthly no or always be followed by flies oh gosh i hate i hate flies do you so much what do you do to do to try to get rid of them? I've tried. I have one of those. You got the sticky. I've got the bug trap that's supposed to catch them. We have the candles, whatever.

They're probably after all the mayonnaise coming out your buggy. Whatever the can. I don't know. I can't remember the scent. Oh, citronella or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanted to say chamomile, but I knew that was incorrect. So, but like it's supposed to keep, you know, mosquitoes and flying creatures.

If you keep doing chamomile, this is very nice for the flies. Really restful. I don't know, cardigans, something like that. Yeah, so. But nothing keeps them away because they're flies. And they just keep coming back. And their entire job when you're sitting on a patio is to bug the crap out of you and just...

That's why they call them bugs. Yeah, I know, but they're flying around. It's like they're just poking you whenever they can. Do you guys... You know I hate them so much. Because this is true of me, and I think, I assume it's true of others, but I don't know if you live this or not.

Are you self-conscious when a fly lands on you and won't leave you alone? What, like you smell? Right. Like you think other people are, like you're self-conscious of like when the fly won't leave one person alone. It's choosing me over that garbage can. And I've been, you know, I've been the one that won't leave alone. It's just choosing someone at random and it's attacking. But whenever a fly is constantly around one person, I've been the one I won't leave alone. It's just choosing someone at random, and it's attacking.

But whenever a fly is constantly around one person, I don't care. Like, I don't look at someone who's getting attacked by a fly over and over and over and think, oh, he must stink. But if that fly is on me, and, like, I swat it away and it comes back, I'm like, everyone thinks that I'm the dirty, foul, stinky man. Your pig pen from the penis. Yeah, exactly. But do you guys also have those thoughts when it happens to you? I have never had that thought in my life. What about you, Andy?

No, I don't think so. Oh, spit one, save me. Am I the only? Maybe it is a problem. Maybe I just am Pigpen. Oh, no. Yeah, but the other option is you get food poisoning monthly, and I'm on record.

Like, throwing up is, I mean, if you promise me the food poisoning is southward bound, then I. It's 1,000 liters of mayonnaise. Oh, my gosh. I mean, if it's 100% southward, I will choose that. Like, look, it's not a good time. But I can, anything over throwing up. I will do, when I'm in that moment.

You fight it? I will fight, I will take every tablet and stay standing up and try everything I can do to fight off throwing up because it's a disaster to me. It's funny because I think. And some people don't mind. I don't generally consider it food poisoning unless it is vomiting. That's kind of how I feel too.

Like when I eat something and it just wrecks me and I've got just crazy diarrhea. I don't feel like I got food poisoning. No, that's just fast food. Food poisoning is going up north. Right. It's coming out the top. I was looking for a way out. Yeah, that's not happening.

I'm taking the flies then. But you're always, right now, at all times. Would you become acclimated? No, I don't think. Wait, to the flies? Yeah, you know how you can get floaters when you're seeing and they say your brain adjusts? Could you get acclimated to the flies surrounding you? I don't think you can.

I think you would because the human brain is amazing could you get acclimated to the flies surrounding you? I don't think you can. I think you would because the human brain is amazing. You get acclimated to anything. You go to a farm and it smells like poop and then eventually the poop just doesn't smell anymore. But look at the horse. The horse tail is constantly whipping at those flies. Horse argument. Oh, sure. No, but that's an argument in my favor.

You have a tail? I don't. But the horse is not. That's involuntary. The horse is. No, but that's an argument in my favor. You have a tail? I don't, but the horse is not. That's involuntary. The horse is No, it's not. Oh, the horse isn't slapping itself. That's a weapon. It's a fly swatter. It's a windshield wiper. You know what I mean? You think these are involuntary movements

by the horse? Yeah, I think the horse isn't thinking about it. The horse is 100% doing what it can, but it can't use its hands. It's got hooves. I'm just saying it's like blinking. You don't think about blinking. The horse is not thinking about it. The horse is 100% doing what it can. It can't use its hands. It's got hooves. I'm just saying it's like blinking. You don't think about blinking. The horse isn't like, a fly is there.

I must move it with my tail. The horse's tail is just doing its own thing. But if there's no flies, does the tail move? Nope. No. Okay. Well, if your eyes didn't dry out, would you not blink? I mean, there's a purpose.

It doesn't mean the blinking isn't involuntary. So what is the purpose of the tail? The flies! Okay, so. I'm just saying it's involuntary. The horse is not having an actual thought of, a fly is at this spot. I need to go get him the way that you would do with a hand. Like, if a fly lands on my hand, I would go slap it.

Yeah, because you can reach it. That's what I'm saying. The horse's tail can only reach so much of the horse butt. It's a strong point. I see what you're both saying. I can't do the food poisoning every month. No. That's multiple days.

You're knocked out. If you had it, well, let's call it a 24-hour bug. That's what everybody does with food poisoning. If you had it, would you build out a system to deal with it? It's like, okay, Is there a countdown to it? What if you don't know when it's going to happen? Oh, that's worse. I assume you don't know.

There's no protection. No, there's no way. But the flies, they end your life as well. I can't do the flies because of my self-conscious nature. I would feel like even if I am the cleanest, nicest smelling, I'm wearing the fanciest cologne every day, smelling great. You love the scent. I will walk around feeling like everyone hates me and I'm the stinky guy with the flies.

I wonder if you could wear socks that are made of the fly stick material. Oh, the fly paper? Yeah, the fly paper. So eventually you're just wearing fly boots? Well, you would replace it. Yeah, but then they'd have babies. I'm going to throw up once a month horrifically from a food person. All right.

Hey, Al, do we have time for another Would You Rather or should we move on? We got nothing but time. That's not true. He doesn't care. That's not true. I don't know why we check with him. Josephina from Patreon says, would you rather have to sew all your clothes or grow all your own food? Oh, I've got an easy answer.

What? I would. What? Yeah. I think growing your own food is incredible. Oh, yeah. Very romanticized. So my brother-in-law came over this uh weekend and he's got this garden he grows so much

of his own food and you know when you were feeling a couple houses okay yeah a couple houses ago my wife and i we we did we we had a lot more land and we built this really nice vegetable garden and grew stuff. And it was so nice to have, you know, oh, whatever, cilantro. And, you know, that's all we grew. You know, tomatoes or cucumbers or whatever. I love that idea. So you're a vegetarian now. You get a sense of satisfaction for growing your own food?

Like, does it taste better? It says grow your own food. Yes. But. You can't grow cows. Yeah, I'm not growing a cow. Well, you don't grow them, but you raise them. Yeah, so.

But if it's you. We need clarity on this question here. You don't need. If grow your own food implies that you are responsible for all of your own food. So I have to slaughter the cow. If you want meat. Then I'm sewing some clothes. I just can't imagine how bad the first shirt I sew would look.

Because it would take me a long time. I would have, because of the time investment i would feel somewhat like i've accomplished something when i get to the end and then when i go to put that thing on and my head don't fit through the hole or one sleeve is too long i mean it would just be you're a hundred percent right we would look so incredibly foolish but only in the beginning sewing is a learnable skill. I took sewing classes in college because I was a theater major, so we had to do costuming.

Sure. And when you get patterns and you learn to sew, I feel like we could upgrade our clothes. You know what I mean? No. I think over time we would. I think over time we would decide that muumuu's are our favorite thing to create. we would decide that muumuu's are our favorite thing to create.

So I guess I'm going to choose... One is so much more significant to your life. Which one is more significant? The food. I mean, having your food is so much more significant than what you wear. I would lose so much weight if I had to grow and create all my own food I mean I because I would eat borderline nothing the the amount of land you need to really eat yeah like you know I've got a vegetable garden and I've got cilantro and tomatoes and cucumbers and like that took up a

long a large area and it's like is that all I'm eating i feel like you can go pick the whole garden and get like half a meal yeah that's how i always feel with that you got to be planned out in advance i mean oh like crops over crops i need acres of land i'm sewing my own clothes yeah i'll sew my own clothes and someone will inevitably walk up what do you you? Sew your own clothes? The nice thing is. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Now you feel dumb. The nice thing is.

You got a problem with that? When you look stupid in your so awful shirts, you can feel at home when we are now allowed to go to McDonald's. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah, nice. I was going to say you have a big chicken. This episode brought to you by the mcrib

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will be determined based on your credit, income, and other certain information provided in your loan application. Go to upstart.com slash ballers. So maybe you scattered a little bit around the house and maybe you brought up some old memories and you've moved on to the phase where, look, you need some advice from experts. But then you don't really have access. So you go to the podcast app and you found this show. from Wendell says, what's the proper protocol for notifying a stranger of an embarrassing thing, like a visible booger or their fly is down? Or is it better to pretend like you never noticed? I'll add another one in there. Something in the teeth.

I love this question from Wendell. I love that we're giving the life advice because I want this normalized in just everywhere. Okay. Society. I can't wait to hear it. Normalize it. It shouldn't be embarrassing. Like you have a – Interesting.

Everyone's got a nose and everyone's getting boogers coming out of this nose. That's true. That's true. And we've all had a boog just chilling on the side of the nose. And for someone to say, hey, you got a boog just chilling on the side of the nose and for someone to say hey it just hey you got a booger hey and you just go oh thank you for telling me and i will take care of that and then not everybody's got boogers hanging out of their nose all the time that's why it's embarrassing i well no i understand you don't want it to happen i'm saying normalize that it shouldn't be embarrassing

for me to tell you well even my friend a stranger, just anybody. The fly one happens a lot where the fly is down. That happens a lot. Now, I will tell you right now, if I see a stranger with their fly down, I am going to internally laugh and not tell them about it. Okay, so you just 100%. So when you tell about, but if it was someone who saw my fly down that was a friend of mine, I would expect them to tell me. That's the difference in this question. This is about a stranger okay so otherwise i'm looking at a

stranger's crotch mike i i i know if you got a boogie hanging out you got something on your beard you got you want to know you just and you don't take offense you're not embarrassed i love that but that's because i know you and we're friends and i can say that friendly a stranger comes up and says your fly's down first of, I know a stranger just looked at my crotch. Yeah, that part, that is a problem. That's why I don't want to say these people. Why are you looking at me? Yeah, eyes up here, bud. But they're

not looking at your crotch. Their eyes were just shot down there because the garage was open. Sure, but it's impossible for them to not have looked at my crotch. Would you let a woman know that a button was unbuttoned? well i mean because that's a button a button could be a choice but it but flies on your jeans people don't people aren't doing that on purpose but what if we start that trend oh that's yeah what if the fly down is like yeah that's a fashion choice buddy i'm wearing

some bright boxers under here you know what i mean have a nice so you can see through it just a little peak so you've got like neon you got some neon boxers and that's people wear their pants real low that was a fad for a while you got skinny jeans a fad let's start this oh and they're like hey hey buddy you got that and he goes no no it's a peekaboo and it-boo-boo. And then the nice thing is you can come out with fashionable items for that. You can have a longer fly. The peek-a-boo-boos don't even have zippers. It's just a gaping hole?

It's just a gaping hole right there. There's no zipper. You can't close it. You can't close it. I don't know if this is good. I think it's bad. I think someone's going to end up going, you who, with a peek-a-boo-boo. Yeah, that'd be a problem.

Not street legal. It's certainly not for high schoolers. think someone's going to end up going you who with a peekaboo yeah that'd be yeah i mean it's not legal it's it's certainly not for my high schoolers so mike who will not indulge a general like uh elevator conversation with a person about the weather correct will tell them that there's a booger yes because on their nose because you want to help them. That's not a conversation. That's not... Why I don't like small talk is because it's nonsense. We are not accomplishing anything. I don't care what you have to say. You don't care what I have to say. But if you have something on your face...

Would you do a shoe tie? Would you tell somebody their shoe's untied? Do you feel like that's one that they may have done on purpose? That could be a choice. It's not usually a choice. What if it's only one, though? If it's one, then they probably want to know about it. Yeah, and you can tell.

The people that don't tie their shoes on purpose, they usually have like the, it's a little bit more on lace, and the shoelaces aren't very long, and they're not like dragging behind them. Right. But I think that in general, I'm going to ignore all strangers. I'm going to not tell them about anything, and I will do exactly what Andy said. I think that's general i'm going to ignore all strangers i'm going to not tell them about anything and i will do exactly what andy said i i think that's the right approach laugh in your head and if you do need to tell someone i got another one tell your friend so that they can

make sure they see that dude i've got it i've got another one a little bit more imminent oh no there's a bug on their back. What kind of bug? Cockroach. Landed on the back of a stranger. It's in front of you in line. Maybe not right in front of you, but a couple. Do you alert the person? One, do you hit it off?

Yeah, you hit it off. And then you tell the person there was a bug on you? Yep, absolutely. Because at that point, you're saving someone's life. And that's just me being a hero. Now, okay, this is not intentionally. I'm not trying to trigger you. So just trigger warning, Jason.

Triggered. Spider. Untriggered. If there was actually an eight-legged creature on your back. On my back? On your back. Okay. Oh, my gosh.

Do you actually want to know? No. Or do you want me to come up and take care of it? You take care of it. Okay. You don't tell me until after you take care of business. Do you even want me to ever tell you? Right now, I should take care of it?

No. If a stranger came up to me and said, Hey, bud, there's a big spider on your back. Oh, golly. Oh, my gosh. I don't know. I would just start screaming and spinning and taking my shirt off. I don't know.

I mean, I wouldn't have the wherewithal to do what I should do, which is absolutely just launch myself to the ground on my back. Stop, drop, and roll. Swash this thing or at least run backwards into a wall but i i'm sure i am 100 backwards into a wall that's your strategy that's the silliest thing i can picture i'm a hundred percent positive my shirt would come off like if someone was like there's a i would i would take in all scenarios in just the spider scenario no but i'm like you like i'm saying where you are you're in the middle where you are, you're in the middle of Disneyland. You're in the middle of giving a speech.

Yeah, I'm at a funeral. I mean, it's inappropriate. But if there's a big spider, they have to say it's a big spider. Someone hands you. Oh, if they say little spider. Yeah, then it's okay. What if they just say they don't use a description? It's just a spider.

On one hand, you're giving a very important speech. Someone walks up, hands you a note card that says spider shirt. I would assume it's a joke at that point. I need to see you immediately turn towards a wall with your back and sprint backwards. I don't know how you can run backwards that fast. I would take that wall out. I would hit it with such force that they will be

needing new sheetrock. Tracy from the website. My wife uses the bathroom with the door open. I think that it is a private thing. She insists that since we're married it doesn't matter. Am I the weird one here speaking of one

that's the question is it a one or is it a two okay that makes a difference for you that's what if you begin the two when no one was in the room oh that's fine and then they walk in do you have to close the door i can't like yes i mean i that's, if I begin a two with the door open, because I'm basically by myself, and someone walks in, that's got to be rectified immediately. Well, it's rectified, all right. So, yes, I mean, that's my policy. For what it's worth, that's my policy.

I don't begin a two with a public proclamation. I'll close the door yeah but now in this life advice this isn't your choice you're not your your wife is starting to deuce okay because if she's taking a p whatever i feel like that's fine right i mean you're married it's certainly fine i like it's fine you're married you know that which is the exact same argument that they are using for the or it doesn't matter either way yeah I mean I feel like the policy needs to be it's a little bit more like what do you want to see your spouse do right it's not a matter of seeing though because here's the deal let's say I'm in the bathroom my wife's in the bathroom and

she's taking a pee I can ignore her I cannot look at her I don't care I can do the same with the poop but then I smell it. That's the difference. I'm not smelling your pee from across the room. I don't want to smell your pee. Well, sometimes. Yeah, drink some water. Can I sidebar?

Sure, yeah. What's the fan policy? Like how many fans are, like, as a celebrity? No, no, no. Don't get it. You were getting were getting that was terrible it was bad uh let's say you uh i just need to know this in general see i was raised to put the fan on while i'm while you poop while i'm pooping and then when i leave the room the fan stays on because i figure yes there's a remnant.

Yeah, for sure. Not everything's been rectified by way of smell. So the fan stays on, and then, you know, eventually someone's going to come in and turn it off, but it's evacuated the room. Now, I do know people that believe that the fan is on only during the active expulsion. And then when they depart the room, they turn the fan off.

I feel like the fan is doing its job of clearing out the air. Yeah. It's also a warning. Yes. Because if I walk up to a bathroom and the fan is on, I go, oh, this bathroom may have been

dominated recently, and I want to go to the other bathroom in the house. Or, you know, to go, go quick bathroom in the house. Or you know to go Go quick! Oh that wasn't you like getting a big hit? No that wasn't me getting a big whiff.

I thought you were like ooh I like that. That was a big hold your breath moment. Oh you smell that? Oh yes. That's what you thought of me? That my default was, let's get a big whiff of that. Someone took a turd in here? Oh, yeah.

Is that popcorn? Whoa, man. So here's the problem with the fan, and for me personally. My in-law's neighbor, who they're very close with their house burned down okay all right my in-laws neighbor is not yeah that's not that's a weird story um but their their house burned down because of the a bathroom fan like yeah they left it on and it it shorted out and smoked and their house didn't i guess it's hyperbolic burned down caught on it caused a fire smoked everything out and it did ruin their house.

They had to live somewhere else for months while their house got restored. And I heard from them that that was somewhat common. I mean, it's not super common. Houses aren't burning down all the time. But when there is a problem, it's not unheard of for it to come from a bathroom fan that's left on so now i don't use like bathroom fans are all just paranoia i got you yeah i just i mean people are using fans all over the world no nobody's burning down i get it but it's like lost neighbors well they say that you got to spend up on your fan you can't

get the cheapest fan out there. That does cross my mind. It's like, how's this room's fan look? Does that look like a nice device? That's so funny how little things like that will get in our psyche and change our behavior. Experience, man. If it's something you've experienced. So wait a minute. You're just bombing your house then?

What do you think happens to that methane? It goes away. No away no yes it does it doesn't it just osmosis into the regular breathing room it goes away you're telling me where does it go what do you think the fan does yeah where does the fan send it the fan sends it out the house man out the house well it's certainly into the attic or something. That's what it does, actually. It doesn't usually go out the house. All your old farts are in the attic, man.

It literally just sends it into the roof area. I had my cabin. I feel like Al needs to speak here with authority. What happens? This is a great question. I've never even considered it. Where does the van go? It should go out the house, man.

I don't think it does. I honestly don't know, but I think it just vents into the attic. Interesting. I mean, I had one installed. Now, I think it depends on how close to the exterior of the house your bathroom is, because I've seen some that do blow out into nature where farts belong. Yeah, man. Is that why attics are so awful no it's just a fart room it's just you can go up you know you go up in the attic to get old pictures and stuff you

can go up and see like old grandma's old fart from never light a candle in the attic oh that's good that's good advice good life advice all right one more toby from twitter i have a co-worker who every morning comes to my desks oh this is perfect my desks he's very important it does seem that i was wrong that most most bathroom fans do vent to the outside yeah okay that's good to know um i have a co-worker who every morning comes to my desk and says good morning and then just stands there awkwardly even after i say good morning back if i turn around i feel rude if i try to ask questions i get one word answers this is driving me crazy how do i make them go away so this is a lingerer you've got a you've

got like a kind of a hot morning greeting lingerer there is only one way to deal with weirdos because make no mistake this person in this situation right now is a weirdo they stand they don't talk they're in your space they don't know the social norms so you're not going to be able to do anything other than being a complete rude person saying i hate you get out of here don't ever talk to me again. You're not going to do that. Your options are just deal with it or befriend them. Get to know them. Have something more to talk about. If I try to ask questions.

Oh, come on. Pie in the sky. Go out with them somewhere and do something with them. Go golfing together. Get to know each other because then maybe they'll open they want a friend and they don't know how to communicate they don't know they're just standing around because they feel comfortable enough to be around you maybe this is your best friend two years from now i like this jason i like i like this answer maybe this co-worker needs a friend

and they just they don't know how to properly engage in because look you two are a couple of liars no no no no neither of you are going to bat for this guy i am not i just like jason i would never go golfing with that weirdo i'm saying that that toby should um you you go get to know them think Think about, like, I mean. Look, a good fart solves this whole problem. Well, yeah, I mean, that would take care of it. That's a pretty easy solution. But it's like, as an adult, making friends is very difficult.

Very, very difficult. And, like, one of the places that. Act like this it is. Well, one of the places that you can actually get it done is at work. And, Toby, perhaps this person just wants a friend okay another option what if you fight fire with fire go over when he comes in stand up and go stand nearer to him what just invade the social bubble invade the social or go to their desk no no no invade the social bubble just stand near them okay these are so such terrible ideas and then uh

all right it's clear you're not saying anything what's what's the great idea great ideas you your bowel movements happen real real close to when this man's near you you skirtled to the bathroom by the time you come back what's he gonna do stand by your desk all the time i'm starting to schedule my number twos when old, it's not Toby, right? No, co-worker. When Toby's co-worker comes on by. Ah, I got to get another cup of coffee. First, if you want to be a friend, try to get this conversation located elsewhere. Start to have a new plan, someplace you can walk away from.

That's what the water cooler's for. That's what the coffee machine's for. Let's get this away from my desk where there's no escape. Or you climb under your desk and pull the chair in yeah just pull the chair in and say i'm not here toby if you're listening try my first method this is your new best friend toby and come back to me and let me know how close you have bonded one or two years from now and congratulations on your new best friend step one for you was to to completely identify this person as a weirdo yeah and then step two was

you now have to be friends with a weirdo well no because then they're not a weirdo anymore a lot of times you think weirdos are only weirdos before you un-weirdo them i think that there are many times where you think someone's a weirdo until you get to know them. And then they're just Jason. Toby's going to get killed by this goer. Oh, that is certainly in the realm of outcomes here. So you do need to be careful, Toby. Yeah, like at least like a pocket knife or something.

Right. Those have saved a lot of life. You always want a knife in your pocket when you go golfing. All right. Forrest! Sliced my leg. We are. That's why it's a slice.

We're drafted. You guys have been very bad in this last segment. We're drafted. Spit wads. If you know the three of us on this show, you know we love meat. We love all sorts of meat. I know the three of us, and I, you know we love meat. We love all sorts of meat. I know the three of us, and I know that that is a fact. Yeah, we like steak.

We like hamburgers. We like hot dogs. We like chicken. We like pork. We like bacon. We like every kind of meat under the sun. And here's a little gift-giving wisdom from Omaha Steaks. Guess what?

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at a restaurant so um i'm sure we all have stories of something we've found in our food but we are trying to really hone in on what the worst thing would be to find inside of your food. And look, you guys have your lists, and you took your different angles to it. I'm going to kick it off with what I have as the 101, and there's a lot of picks here. I don't think there's a clear 101. But this one would really, really, really be bad.

It's glass clear 101. But this one would really, really, really be bad. It's glass. Sure. I'm going with glass because you will bite it, maybe break your teeth, maybe cut your mouth up. It's a foreign object. It is not edible. You aren't going to see it. If you swallow it, you're going to have intestinal issues. Even if you don't swallow it, just chomping down.

That's what I mean. It has all the features of something really bad to find. Yeah, that is awful. I mean, I've got a story that I won't say. Well, I don't want to say it in case someone picks it or whatever, but for later, you'll tell us later. When you chomp down on something really hard that shouldn't be there, that's a nightmare. Yeah, and this can give you a serrated bungie at the end. So off to Mike with pick number two. I mean, the show has just been filled with this talk.

I figured this was the easy number one answer. You're going to take the low-hanging fruit? Yeah, because it would be the absolute worst. Poop. If you found poop in your food. That was a bridge too far for me. Really? I knew it was an option for the draft, but it was a bridge too far because it just didn't seem...

Realist. Possible. Oh, if you go out there and read the horror stories of things that people have found in their food. Could be like rat poop or something. Yeah. Doesn't necessarily have to be human. At least... Yeah, that's true.

No, you're right. It could be... Look, if it's a... Poop of any kind. If it's a human turd, that's somebody sending a message to you. They are trying to sneak it through. Well, as you say, that comes with a little bit of an alarm system potentially. When you're lifting that fork up, maybe, just maybe, you get a little, huh.

I don't think you have to lift it up. You'll just see it. When the plate is put in front of you, you go, oh, this is. He just goes, that's poop. Did you, hmm, waiter,, this is... He just goes, that's poop. Did you... Hmm. Waiter, did you take a dump on here? Which one of you had the poop?

All right. She did. Jason, you have two picks. All right. Well, glass was mine. Poop was Mike's because, of course, somebody had to take it. Yeah. And now, Jason, you don't have to take it.

I don't have to take it, but and now jason you don't have to take it i don't have to take it but i am going equally horrific this is a common occurrence in the movies um in uh sure this is like the which one the send a message um and it would be the human finger yeah the human finger is something I do not want to find in life. Forget in my food. Absent a person, it doesn't need to be found. I do not want to see a finger unless it is attached to you. That is the only way I enjoy seeing fingers. Really love them.

Really love those attached fingers. seeing fingers really love them really love those attached fingers uh for my second pick I am going to go with something that is probably more it's more common than um glass or poop or a human finger it's actually the thing that we've all run into real problems with. And it is awful. It's just so nasty. And you're done. Even if it's small, even if it's just a little itty bitty piece. I'm not eating anything else in there. There's going to be pubic hair. Oh, oh, oh, not just the hair the hair well no like like a beard hair hair is yeah a beard hair is considered pubic hair yeah you gotta go through puberty before you get that hair right your armpit hair can i get a nod from the all the producers knew that no that's shocking to hear

okay i would how yeah that's pubic hair okay uh okay what yes have you ever called your beard here pubic hair no i have no and there's no person on this earth that is regularly using that term but that's what it is i understand the science i understand it comes during puberty but generally pubic hair was in pubic regions. Yeah. So I'm just saying. Well, even worse. Even worse. Well, yeah, that's why I was surprised. I thought you were.

You want to find pubic hair? I just thought hair was maybe enough. So you're saying you find a head hair. A coarse, curly hair. I mean, so the curl matters. Oh, the curl matters. So a straight hair, you're eating. A straight hair, I would be. You could pick it out and move on. I mean, so the curl matters. Oh, the curl matters. So a straight hair, you're eating. Straight hair, I would be.

You could pick it out and move on. I could pick it out and eat around it. It's gross, but. That thing's too curly. What about length? Is there a length requirement that would eliminate? No. What about if it's swirled into the food a little much?

Any. Not just on top. Curly, coarse hair in my food. We should have warned people who are eating. Yeah. To not eat during this. Well, I think the name of the draft, worst things to find in. We should have warned people who were eating to not eat during this. Well, I think the name of the draft, worst things to find in- Where do they think we're going, Mike, with pleasant things?

Sometimes you got to put a warning on it. Yeah. So, anyways. So, you're going pubic hair, which is a terrible thing to find. You're exactly right. I still find it humorous how disgusting we as people find foreign hairs. Yes. Because- It makes no sense.

There's so many things that are tangibly more disgusting and hold back tears. Like a hair is not, I mean, God forbid you eat a hair or an eyelash. Yeah. Who cares? It really doesn't matter. But if I see one and it's not mine, mine's fine, of course. If I see one and it's not mine, it is like the DNA of disgusting.

But on top of that, not that you're out there ruffling people's hair, but you would have no problem just giving someone's hair a tussle. Well, I mean, there's a whole industry of people that cut hair and it's not gross for them. No. Until it's on the ground. Oh, yeah. Until it's on the ground. It's disgusting. It's absolutely foul when it's on the ground. Oh, yeah. Until it's on the ground.

It's disgusting. It's absolutely foul when it's on the ground. You get your pubic hair cut on. Is that what you go in and say? Will you trim up my pubic hair? Yes. I'd like my. I'd like my.

My face pubes trimmed. My face pubes trimmed. Yeah. You bunch of psychos pretending like that's normal. Yeah. So. I can't wait to hear you. This show is about scientific accuracy.

I know what Andy learned today. Yeah, you betcha. You have face pubes. All right. So I thought this was – it's very disgusting, Jason, but I thought you were going to go with this, just a good old-fashioned – because one of the things about going out to eat to a restaurant is you don't want to think about the kitchen because you know that they're there.

Oh, no. You know that they are there. And if a cockroach finds its way into your food, that's it. Not only is that you're not eating what's on your plate, You are probably never eating in that restaurant ever again. That's a definite for me, probably. Well, that was Tuesday. Watch this. Your favorite restaurant.

If that happened, it would be done. Yeah. I've got something very similar on my list. That's obviously a big one. Yeah. The cockroach was high on my list. Would have been my next pick. And that makes perfect sense.

Um, all right. So I have to pick two times. Yes, you do. Um, I love that. I did.

I, I threw, I threw poop out the window cause it wasn't very realistic, but I've got some very unrealistic other picks on this list. A chicken head. That could happen. One of them that's going to be my pick here is I'm going to need help with it because I'm literally forgetting the name of it right here.

Let's work it out. We got you. We got you. Which is when flies, they lay their eggs. Maggots. Yeah. Maggots is the pick. I don't know why I couldn't remember right then.

I was between pubic hair and maggots. Yes, you always are. Glass and maggots. And then I have another pick here. Maggots are the most foul thing imaginable. What is a gooey? A maggot. They're squirmy.

The name is part of it. Sure. It's a maggot the name is part of it sure it's a maggot it's so disgusting and what's funny is like i feel like if there are other bugs that are it's not as bad as well there's a quantity of them too there's a lot it's not one you never have one there's always a crew right they roll together yeah And you have the gang. Entourage. I guess the thing that really puts it over the top is that you usually don't find maggots just like, oh, flies are making babies out on the back porch. No, no, no.

No, it's like they're finding a dead pigeon on the back porch, and they're making babies in that. There you go. Maggots. All right. My third pick is going to be strange uh it's ink oh so i'm going with really because the idea of eating something and then i mean that it's staining your teeth your entire mouth it's like a broken pen worth of ink in your mouth that's funny it's a disaster

that is funny so i will go with ink as my third choice i love that pick i mean i because i can just see it you know it's like especially if there's any way to hide the flavor if you can hide the flavor enough it's in something else and then you're halfway through this meal just covered yeah it feels like a trick you could play for sure yeah i'm gonna have to put some ink seasoning ink all right uh my next pick i'm gonna go one that's a little bit more uh like this this feels like it's got to be happening every single day across uh across the globe and it's a band-aid oh it's on my list i mean the chef they i mean you're working with a knife.

Maybe you cut your finger and you got to put the band-aid on and whoops. Where did that band-aid go? When did I lose that thing? That thing is so, a band-aid anywhere is so disgusting. Yes, it is. It's so gross. Think about the difference between the cleanliness of the hair, which. Right.

I mean, we just, it's the foulest thing ever, but it's probably fine. And then a Band-Aid is only used to cover a wound that was bleeding. You might as well have a wound in the food. You have selected blood, human cells, plastic, sticky. That's phenomenal. Home run. Perhaps disease. Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, that's phenomenal. Home run. Perhaps disease. Oh, yeah, for sure.

I mean, that's not good. All right, Jason, your final two picks. My final two picks. I have really learned something here today. I have learned that when things become disconnected from the human body, it gets one million times more disgusting you know what i mean hair is fine until it's off your body oh no uh fingers are fine until it's you know right off of a body but it's the same with nails yeah yeah yeah yeah nails oh yeah oh nail oh yeah they call

those pubic nails yeah right because they're down low. Now, if you saw just a fully detached nail in your food, you think you would know if it was a finger or a toe? Oh, well, you know a big toe. Absolutely. Wait, do you? Oh, yeah. You know like a good thumb versus a good big toe?

You think you would get that right every time? 100% of the time. I mean, if it's – But why does it make a difference because oh because feet are dirtier you don't but but but not maybe not yeah no maybe not i get that i get that but but i wash my hands uh on a regular basis i don't wash my feet i mean i in the how many toenails to eliminate this from contention one what's that one toenail found in your food and you're done. Yeah.

I don't know if you're noticing one. I think you might be eating. How many things like that have you eaten before? Yeah, that is always, always the worry. Okay. What's your last pick? All right. My last pick is going to be one that you have heard about in fast food places as purposeful,

as done. This is something that is- I already took poop. That's not actually done. People don't take a dump on your food, but you want to know what they do? Do. They spit in their food. They hock- loogie. Yeah.

Under that bun. It's on my list. And put that bun right on top. Yep. And the thing is. And you will never know. That's the biggest problem. But if you find any kind of snot loogie texture.

We got to eat here in a bit. That's the grossest one. You have went completely human based. You have fingers, pubic hairs, toenail clippings, and loogies. So I don't want to find people in my food. That's what I don't like. People stand with the people, food with the food. That's right.

Yeah, that's a good call. Mike has poop, cockroach, bandaid. All right, and we're going to close this off with, look, if you go in the pantry, like I'm hankering, I want to make a sandwich. Yeah. And you go into the pantry, you pull out the bread. Moldy. And all you see, it just takes one piece, at least for me.

Oh, for sure. One piece. Oh, a fuzzy friend. We've probably talked about this. Just the heel on the backside, it's got a little bit of mold growing on. That entire loaf of bread is going into the garbage. Soiled. If not all soiled, it's got a little bit of mold growing on. That entire loaf of bread is going into the garbage. Soiled. All soiled.

It's all ruined. So if you, like, it's... And you probably aren't catching it right away. But, yeah, if you find some mold on your sandwich mold, wherever, that... I am very curious how much mold you can eat and it not matter. Because I think that we... It's probably a decent amount. I mean, you might be able to eat mold and we're just all ignoring it. You can you can eat and it not matter. Because I think that we... It's probably a decent amount. I mean, you might be able to eat mold and we're just all ignoring it.

Yeah. You can't... No, it's not good. Okay. No, yeah, mold is not... You can't just eat unlimited mold. What is this, penicillin? It's good for me.

Yeah, and if you are someone that does the rip off the cheese, rip off the piece of bread... That's my wife. And eat the rest... Well, I didn't want of bread. That's my wife. And eat the rest. Well, I didn't want to say this directly to any human. I was just proving them all together. But you are the worst. You need to grow up. You've got to get control of your life.

I mean, unless you got that bread from a bread line, you could throw that thing away because it's moldy. If I had a block of cheese and it was under 20% and it was isolated, I'd be willing to cut that thing in half. It's funny. Rewind the tape and listen to what I just said. I'm the worst. The cheese is kind of like its own thing where it's supposed to not mold.

But if it's a block of cheese, I am able to cut off more. You need at least two inches of distance. Oh, I go extra. I'm not just cutting off the mold piece. No, this is like a tumor. Yes. You're making sure it's gone. Yeah.

Gross. All right. Yeah, it's weird. So my point with poop, cockroach, bandaid, and mold, my picks glass, maggots, ink, and I'm going to close it down with something only Jason would approve of in this draft. I mean look if it comes from a person

it's separated from the body it's bad I'm going with teeth I'm going with teeth because part of this is I'm going to break my teeth on your teeth and then I'm going to say wow that's somebody's teeth. If you take

a tooth out of your mouth, the first thing you do is you probably. Put it under your pillow. That's the second thing. The first thing you do is you take your tongue and you find which tooth is missing. And when you find out there ain't none of your teeth missing. Oh, gross. That's true. Oh, that is disgusting.

Yeah, and Al was quick to point out in our Slack that if it was 24-karat gold, maybe you made some money. Oh, there you go. Then you can afford to replace your broken tooth. How are you selling that? Are you smelting that down? Are you going to the gold people? I'm not familiar with selling people's teeth like oh give you two dollars uh where'd you get the two now they never ask they don't ask all right so people don't care that was our disgusting worst things to find in your food at a restaurant draft any were there any extras i mean i had some i had bugs just

in general you guys had roaches and marbles and maggots marbles um i had uh for me personally a half eaten ghost pepper like it's oh just like it's tucked away like i just see it and i realize what's in my mouth why does it have to oh because you ate the other half and it's about to be a real problem. I thought about taking a good shot at tomatoes here and just saying tomatoes. I have beets on my list. Did you? Okay. Worst thing to find in your food, beets. I had boogers

and nails. Finding a nail in your food. Like a hammer in there. Not fingernails. I had needles as well. That'd be bad. Alright. What did we learn today? All hair is pubic hair.

Yeah. After a certain point. No, I mean, I've grown. Most of my hair has grown after puberty. Yeah, okay. Fair. All right, that's fair. I learned about the new fashion trend, the peek-a-boo-boo.

Oh, no. It's on its way to you. Mine's far more practical is that a bathroom fan actually takes the air out of the house. See, now maybe you leave it on a little longer. Maybe I will. Yeah, burn that thing down. Oh, no. If that ever happened.

Wow. All right, that'll do it for today's Spitballers. Thanks for tuning in and supporting the show. Tell your friends. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the supporting the show. Tell your friends. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out