Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 199: The Pigeon Song & The Best Older Generation Names - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

Great news! On today’s show, we cure jealousy. We also discuss cutting off a limb, talking to pigeons, and seeing other people’s futures. We wrap it up with a draft of stereotypical older generation names. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. yeah we found out well there's the tuba everybody you've been waiting for the tuba you've been waiting for the wait the people the people have just demanded for the tuba. That? They demanded that? Well, the people don't always know what they want. You know what I mean? A lot of times people are like, I want this show.

And then we give them what they want. And they're like, regrets. Which is what they're crying from the rooftops right now. Yeah, I think a lot of people didn't ask for the tuba. And they're really mad at the other spitwads. They're like, why'd you want a tuba? They were asking for the flute. Oh, maybe next time.

Right before the show started, Jason says, how do you scat with a tuba? And he gave us just a little sample, a little dose, and he said, ah, well, we're about to find out. I didn't think you were going to do it, so I am proud of you for that. Yeah, I mean, they said it couldn't be done. It also sounded a bit like a motor. Yes.

To be fair, tuba sounds really stupid and like a motor all the time. We do attack tuba players on a constant show-by-show basis. It's one of my favorite schticks. Now, tubas don't actually have any notes that change right you're just blowing through an object their goal is to get two notes you just you get such a low frequency that the human ear can't actually tell what tell what's going on i thought yeah i'm with mike though it kind of sounded like maybe you were giving, like a mower was getting a start. Yeah, I had to jazz up the tuba.

I didn't want it to sound all the way like a tuba or everyone would have stopped listening. All right. Well, welcome in. Nothing says episode 199 like a tuba scat. Episode 200 coming very soon. Oh, man. I mean. Next week.

Al Borland is not even in the studio right now. I can only presume the owl is missing today because of what he's building. The set that he is building for episode two. I would imagine. Wait, we're getting a new set? I hope so. We'll find out. So he's busy doing that.

And we've got the judge in the house instead. Yeah, what's up judge hey oh so today we have would you rather the situation room and we are drafting the best old-timey birth names yes so this will be a lot of fun i believe that 99 of the names i looked up should return immediately and i'm only sad that i didn't name my three children any of these names because they're so sophisticated. Some of them just sound – they're so sophisticated. Regal.

Regal. Yeah, like these names come with a weight. They come with a butler on the side. Like a butler comes with you. One of them might be a butler. That's true. I picture him more as a fancy English butler. But you can

find the show on Twitter at SpitballersPod. Thank you for subscribing, reviewing the episodes. We appreciate it. And let's get it going. Would you rather? Alright, this one comes in from Steve. He says, would you rather? All right, this one comes in from Steve.

He says, would you rather never get angry or never get jealous? Are you more prone to one of these and therefore would want to remove it more easily? If that is how the question is to be understood, like which one would be more beneficial to get rid of because you struggle with it more this is super easy because i struggle with one and completely don't struggle with the other one like i i can't remember being jealous like i don't think i get jealous of just about anything. Did you? Because I'm the same way now. I think I know why.

But the question, oh, we can unpack that in a moment. But did you ever have jealousy problems as a younger man? No, not really. I mean, genuinely, I can remember a handful of times. Because you were just so popular. You expected people to be jealous of you yeah no no like i remember being jealous of a kid in in grade school i was i was uh i was very jealous of him because he was six foot no he was such a good student like he never he

never missed an assignment he He was always prepared. Really? That was the kid you were jealous of? I was like, he wasn't a procrastinator. And I was like, how does he? And he's nice? And he was like, I just, that kid. This is in grade school?

Yeah. Wait, so you were struggling in grade school? With procrastination. Oh, that's a light. That was out of the womb. Out of the womb. And I was a procrastinator. Just saying, generally in grade school. procrastination oh that's a light that was or with out of the womb out of the womb and i was a procrastinator and just saying like generally in grade school he didn't have his first bottle

for three days you can like you can procrastinate in grade school and still get 100 on everything to be fair this was seventh and eighth grade which now is okay i would not call that grade school junior high where i went to school we didn't have we didn't have like the separate it was k through eight explains a lot it's k through eight i went to school, we didn't have the separate... It was K-8. I went to the same school, so back off, man. I was just going to say that maybe one of the reasons you don't get jealous is the second you see something

that we have, you do purchase it instantaneously. I mean, you are famous for... Send me the Amazon link and by the time I've finished describing the product, you are famous for send me the Amazon link, and by the time I've finished describing the product, you've bought one. That is, okay, guilty as charged. That is true.

I certainly love getting all the latest gifts. You scratched the itch pretty quick. I am one that I feel very, very bad for people who have to feel they have to give me gifts because it's like if there's something I want yeah I got it so maybe you are in fact a super jealous person but you are so impulsive that you don't allow the jealousy to grow it never can because because it's called what the green monster right uh you never never heard that? The wall in Boston? No. I mean, jealousy is called the green monster.

Green with envy. I've heard it called the green monster before. I've heard it green with envy. I've definitely heard jealousy is green. Yes. I've never heard the green monster. Green-eyed monster. That's what I meant.

Really? Yeah, it's jealousy personified, the green-eyed monster. That's what I meant. Really? Yeah, it's jealousy personified, the green-eyed monster. But it has to grow. And so you don't have – it has to sit there, and you have to watch somebody with something you want for a long period of time. So I think we just solved jealousy for people. If you're out there and you struggle with jealousy, just buy or steal.

Just buy or steal. If you want something that someone else has, just get it. Just get it. This is great advice. Thank you. Wow. If you want to be happier, get endless money. Mo money, no problems.

There you go. That's what Biggie taught me. So I guess then you're saying you would like anger removed so that you don't get angry man my kids would grow up so much healthier uh if i didn't have anger issues which are primarily children caused um and sports and and sports oh my goodness that's yes my biggest rage problems definitely stem from sports and more sports that I am watching. It's a strange thing because our other show, The Fantasy Footballers, it's all about watching sports and doing those things. And yet, nothing brings me more joy and more rage than sports. Let me tell you a little secret, Mike.

A couple years ago now, or I guess it was last year, we went to an NBA Finals game together. Yes. And we had the privilege of having a large group of people together. Yes. And you and your friend were the angriest sports watchers I think anybody there have ever seen. Like literally.

See, I know you. Yes. So I know what the level really is, right? Sometimes you see people, they react, you go, oh, is he really? You know, I know you were sports mad. Yes. You weren't like going to kill a real person. We don't need to alert the police.

Right. But some other folks there were like, is he okay? Oh. Is he going to be all right? I do remember that game. And it wasn't just you. It was and and your buddy yes yes and you were both equally you were like building each your fire stoking the fires throwing coals in the anger yes uh i don't know why you guys didn't care about the game as much as i did it was a really important basketball game. Yes. I love it.

So I think that now do you get jealous? I certainly am. Like I've had moments of in times of my life where I've been jealous, but I'm not so much anymore. But I'm more like Jason. I've just I would get I have an impulse buying problem as well. I would I would get I'll figure out a pay for this later. I'd get rid of the anger thing as well. And I I would get rid of it. I'll figure out how to pay for this later. I'd get rid of the anger thing as well. And it's funny because you brought up the kids. I was like, I feel like 99% of all my anger ever is brought on by impatience.

If I just had patience, I wouldn't get angry ever. But I lose my patience and then it leads to anger so I think it's healthier isn't patience being able to endure without patience and wrath are like the inversion but I don't know like anger is

maybe that's the wrong word when I'm like I'm using screaming as anger I'm not angry at my kids, but they won't move. They won't move unless I yell. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, sure. So I think that that one is the easier one to get rid of. It's healthier for everybody. All right. And jealousy we got rid of. Yeah. We solved it. We solved the jealousy.

Fixed it. We solved the jealousy. Fixed it. Brooks, all better. Would you rather be able to talk to pigeons or read baby's minds? Interesting. Something you probably have not thought about before, this dilemma. This exact one, no. Like at different times? Sure. I've thought about can i read a pigeon's or talk

to pigeons or read a baby's mind can i read a pigeon's mind poop poop poop poop eat eat poop poop eat eat fly there are very few grow a disease grow a disease very few. Grow a disease. Grow a disease. Very few, maybe zero, dumber animals in the world than pigeons. Pigeons are terrible, terrible creatures. Because in general, I love almost all animals. I'm a very animal-friendly person. And I love birds. I had some bird pets growing up. I had a gray cheek parakeet and he was awesome and it's like i love birds did you say gray cheek yeah

no neat it's a special that's cool or not special but they a unique kind of parakeet and pigeons give birds just such a bad rap and a bad name because there's a lot of city folk, right? Their real only experience with birds is pigeons. And there's a reason you call them flying rats because they are very similar to rats and that they're like always- It's like how Raiders fans give all the NFL fans a bad name.

Yeah, sure. But pigeons always crapping all over your stuff. Oh, yeah. Carrying disease. They're just obnoxious and in the way. And birds are really beautiful creatures that bring joy and life. Most birds are pretty great. Yeah, and pigeons, God gave them the homing pigeon thing.

Sure. Where you can't even scare them. You don't like them, so you want to scare them off. And they're like, no, this is my home home for life they're too dumb to be able to scare off to scare them you have to be able to show something that instills fear and they're like they would fly they're on the on the road in front of cars that are moving and they're they barely see the cars before they get out of the way. I do have to slow down for them sometimes because I don't want to pummel one. They are so dumb.

Okay. They're the moths of butterflies. Now, if you talk to them, it would not be a very fruitful conversation. Yeah, but then reading a baby's mind. Well, hold on. Babies and pigeons might have the same levels of. I like to think that. Milk, milk, poop, poop. Yeah. Milk, poop, milk. I mean, they're have the same levels of... I like to think that... Milk, milk, poop, poop, milk, poop in the same song.

Cry. I like to think when these questions are saying, would you like to be able to talk to an animal? It means that an actual conversation can happen. Like, come over here or go get that. Yeah, you can explain to them them i do not want you here uh that's or like be like oh look at this house look at that roof oh you'd love it over there have you ever seen a roof like that over there that is not mine and they're like yeah that's a

nice look at that roof yeah i will say that the opportunity for conversation here is far more prevalent in the pigeons than in the babies. Because while we have all had infants and raised babies. That time is gone. That time is gone. And I'm not around babies very often anymore. Whenever I am, it's like, oh my gosh, I forgot how little a baby. I picked one up the other day. It was like the weight of a thimble.

It was the lightest thing I've ever felt. And while that is the much more valuable, like it's clearly more valuable to be able to talk to a baby, to communicate, to get true needs and all that, it's so infrequent at this point in my life, I think I would find more use for the pigeons because mike brings up a great point like i could convince these dumb dumb birds to do whatever bidding i want just by telling them there's something shiny over there and i mean or or if you don't leave i'm going to shoot you yes with this pellet gun and they would stare back at me and go what's the pellet gun? And they would stare back at me and go, what's a pellet gun?

Okay, that's not fun. All right, one more here. Would you rather be in a room for a year with only one movie to watch or only one book to read? What? I thought this question was very interesting because, I mean, one- Takes you two hours to watch a movie.

Exactly. One whole year. I mean, maybe you could be strategic and you pick a real long movie, you know, like any of the Spider-Mans. Takes you three hours to watch a movie. Right. But the book, I mean, the book you could- Takes me three months. Well, it depends on the book.

I mean, because you'd have to pick a long book as well like when you i mean i'd rather have lord of the rings the book versus lord of the rings the movie right for a year wouldn't i but i'm saying like reading always reading gets a really bad rap mostly i think because of school because you're forced to do it as a kid and it and instead of building up this lifelong like desire to go read and go learn we are sending the wrong message here to kids and you reading is like a punishment like do if you don't do this get your reading done you're gonna be in your room reading a book this is this is not the way we need to be uh convincing kids to read books because reading is actually great.

I loved reading as a kid. I kind of lost it. And then every once in a while, I'll find a great book and sit down and I'll read for two hours. You go, wow, this is actually great. But what I was getting to is if you actually sit down and read a book, you're done in five to seven hours with with a decent sized book not me if you actually sit down and poop poop read read no i'm a slow reader it would it would take me he is known as a very slow reader i really am like i i don't know

if it's just dyslexia or or what but i've always been a very very slow reader yeah but yeah i mean five to seven hours i don't know about that i mean you must be really fast i mean a big novel you're not knocking out in five to seven but a book in if that's like a couple hundred pages but you're right if you're if that's all you're doing you'll finish it in a day or two i'm saying like, like, look at the... When you're wondering, how long is this book? Look how long the book is on, like, Audible or something. True. And you're like, oh, eight hours.

That's true. That's really... And that's somebody... Mike making points here. Reading it with performance. They're not just reading as fast as you read in your head. Which I would do if I was stuck in a room for a year. I would read with performance.

Oh, I'd be doing characters and i have costume changes every time that i switch characters i'd be taking that jacket off putting it on i'd have blocking i mean this would be a whole production i think the book is the way to go and here's the truth you can in a one-man show that look after a year you have a one-man show that's ready for the road and it's gonna be hot it's gonna be a magnificent masterpiece that will sell out everywhere um books are better than the movies i know like that's something whenever whenever you go see a movie you hate the people that are like oh i read the book the book was so much better they're the worst those people are the worst but if you have read well that's the thing if you have read the book, then you are one of those worst people.

Yes. I mean, like Harry Potter books, better than the movies. By a lot. Yeah, because the books have eight hours of information versus two hours of it. It's just more in depth. So, yeah, if you've got a year locked in a room, you have to take the book here. I'm just thinking of whether or not you got the movie. Maybe I could learn

a foreign language by having the movie because you watch it enough times, you know all the words. Then you flip over to the other subtitles. I don't know. Maybe. This is where I'd make a joke of saying like Gimli saying, and my axe, but I do it in another language, but I don't know

it. And my axe. I don't know it. And my axe. I don't know. See why I didn't make the joke? All right. Would you rather understand what everyone is thinking? And my hacha. Is that it? Yeah.

I'm probably saying it wrong, but yes. I love that you only translated the one word and not the whole thing. And my. For those of you that don't speak Spanish, el niño means the niño. Oh, my goodness. Okay. Would you rather understand what everyone is thinking or see everybody's future? Both of these are terrible.

Terrible? Terrible. Absolutely terrible. No way. Understanding what everyone's thinking would probably isolate you from the entire world yes awful awful because you would explain that because legitimately even the people that you love the most you have thoughts about them or about idiosyncrasies or things that would make people feel insecure and you they just pass through your brain you're not really doing much with them but if you knew what everyone around you was thinking about you all the time i think

you would find yourself potentially very insecure well this isn't just what they're necessarily thinking about you it's just what everyone is thinking right correct which would also include what they're thinking about you that's but you're gonna pick that out i'm picking that out as a problem i feel like the people around you are thinking about you way less than they are thinking about other things. Oh, 100%. So I wouldn't pick out the like 2% here as the problem. I think you could understand people's point of view. There's a lot to like here.

I mean, clearly this is the wrong one to take out of the would you rather. Because the other one allows you to attach yourself to really successful people before they're successful. Okay. Right? I mean, the other one is like, oh, he's going places. There it is. Yeah. Found your loophole for solving the jealousy problem, having the cash.

Yeah. I mean, look, I know I'm going to see- Be good for gold diggers. I'm going to see. Exactly. I could be uh what's the opposite of a sugar daddy sugar baby i don't know but i can i can just a sugar baby that's gotta be it um yeah i mean look i'm gonna see how everyone dies that's unfortunate um that is a heavy weight man but i already know everyone's gonna die without that without how like i know i'm i don't want to break this news to you but i know that you guys are both gonna die yes but if you knew that i was going to die in something tragic in a week and you're just

sitting on that information then i would not walk myself to you because i know your future's in bright so i need i need to really catch up hey mike how's that how's that wheel looking you got that thing gotten it tightened up but no i can handle it for you let me take you to dinner my treat uh okay they're both heavy burdens mike which burden Which burden do you want the most? I suppose to everyone's future. We all have dark, terrible thoughts that you can't stop from happening. They flash immediately, and then rationality takes over, and you work through it. But if all of those things were coming out of your mouth, it would not be good.

You mean like in my hot tub? Yeah. All right. Let's move on. The Situation Realm. All right, here's your first situation aliens arrive at earth for the first time and you have been elected to make first contact congratulations yes what one item do you show them to try and gain trust oh my goodness goodness. Interesting take on this question. I mean, we've talked about aliens being the liaison,

but what is one item you show them to try and gain trust? Man, that's a heavy... I mean, you've been elected to go and make first contact. This is a big responsibility. It's gigantic. But you have to give them something. Now, I'll start us off

here. Is it a bribe? Because you want to gain trust. So, for example, what if you gave them a chocolate chip cookie? That's not bad. That is not bad. You give them a food object that is desirable and then they eat and they realize it's a gift immediately hopefully unless they don't like chocolate or are horribly allergic to it because it was a midnight movie but um i mean so that a bribe of some sort could be well and a dollar is not going to help i mean they, they don't use our currency. Anything you give them...

They use alien bucks. Anything you give them could be considered a bribe. But I like the idea of... I hadn't... My brain hadn't gone to food. I was... Well, first I was immediately reminded of in Mars attacks when they're meeting the aliens and they let the doves go because that's a universal

sign of peace and humanity. It was not to the martians i did not see that movie so i don't know what happened mars attacks yeah that's that's what happens they kind of give that away right in the title okay all right i haven't seen it either but pretty confident um they they shoot the birds okay uh and And then I was thinking, okay, what if you had, like, if you just, you play a song. Is there a song out there? Because humans, we can understand music. You understand certain music makes you feel certain things.

We don't know why, but we. So what would you give them as an object, like a CD? Well, I would just, you know, not give it, but give them as an object like a CD Well I would just you know not give it Give them the gift of song Perhaps I bring out the acoustic guitar What's the song What's the song you're playing That's a very important question

We will rock you Really So you're trying to get them to stomp their feet Clap their hands Get in on this I mean who can resist? Well, you're going to know if they're here to attack. You play that song, and you know, because they don't get in on that.

Yeah, if they don't get in on the clapping. You run. Yeah. You turn your back, and you run. You leave the guitar. That's just extra weight. Now, I know what I'm giving them. Okay.

Okay. I'm giving them the Declaration of Independence. Oh, really? The Declaration. The OG? The OG Declaration of Independence. How are you going to get it, though? Well, look, if I've become the ambassador for the aliens and I'm told I get to give them anything, I'm pretty sure the United States government would allow me to give them the Declaration of Independence.

But this serves three purposes. Purpose one. Okay. They can see that we are intelligent. We want to govern. We want to be peaceful. Right? They can read this document.

We value really, really, really old pieces of paper. Okay. I'm not saying it's all positive, but there's positives. Right? So they can understand we are a peaceful people. This is our governing document. You know, one of. That's option one.

Two, kind of a message here. Okay, we have declared independence. We will not be ruled. Okay. We will not go quietly into the night. I am giving you our declaration of independence just so you know. We claim this. This is ours.

That's pretty crafty. But third. Okay. There is a map. There's a map, yeah. On the back that has incredible treasure. So these aliens- You better have your lemon juice on you.

Oh, for sure. And the little glasses that hold the- I need the Declaration of Independence and a fresh squeezed lemonade. Yeah. So, I mean, clearly the Declaration is near the top of the list. What about a human head? Just throwing it out there. Ooh, I don't think you want to show them.

Where we come apart? Our only weakness. Our only weakness is at the neck. Now we know how to defeat them. Their heads come right off. Where would you go severed head? And what situation? In Graveyard? No, i'm not saying where would you get it i'm saying why you could find one just i don't know i feel like we have a long storied human history of offering the heads of people yeah that that's fair i guess you could

give them a crown and just declare them the leaders. Yeah, if they show up in a flying machine. Bazooka, just declare us the leaders. Say hello to my little friend. Wait, if they don't know what it is, you could give them a stick of dynamite? Yeah. Oh, there's a candle. Make a wish. That's the Bruce Willis line.

Yeah, for sure. It's full Bugs Bunny just handing them a bouquet. It's a birthday cake with a stick of dynamite on top oh my goodness all right i think we we solved that problem yeah goodbye aliens earth is safe again situation room number two you have to draw a tattoo for your wife and the artist will copy it exactly what do you draw to try not to try and not be in the doghouse forever so the tattoo artist is going to take something you draw and and tattoo it onto your wife how safe are you going i can't draw art that's the question art is incredible to me like yeah i totally agree.

Are you jealous of it? Sure, yes. That is something I... That's in an admiration way, right? Yeah, I'm not envious. I know my boundaries. You just admire it? Yeah, I just admire it,

but I can't believe that people... Like, I can trace. Give me one of those really big light boxes. Yes, a light table, a real thin piece of paper, and I can trace with the best of it. I can trace. My point is, if I don't have- What a skill. Over many years, I have developed this skill of tracing.

You should see me work. You should see me work. You should see a time lapse of Jason working through a masterpiece. Oh, man. It's going to be good. Now, just don't make it too detailed under there. How do you work with dot to dots? You pretty good with the dot to dots?

My lines aren't very straight. Okay. All right. Unless someone has done the dot to dot underneath and I can trace it. Because then I'm good. I am golden. Oh oh my goodness okay so what object are you doing like a basic shape no i know what i would i know what i would draw which would be a writing i would i would um write signature yes my signature claim this? Yes. Oh, man.

That would be unbelievable. They pick the... Just... Oh, no. They peel it back and show your wife. And it's just my signature. What do you think? Yeah, that's right.

You belong. It's a cool signature. I've signed for this. Oh, no. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. That wasn't where I, no. No, no, no. That wasn't where I was going. No, we've actually talked about this.

I think I can write in nice enough lettering. That's like the limit of my drawing. And I would write the luckiest. And while that sounds terrible. The luckiest? Okay, I didn't realize how that was going to come out. The luckiest woman in the world. Okay, so she gets it if she's listening right now. But the people, the Spintwads do not.

Our wedding song is the luckiest by Ben Folds. And so I would put our wedding song title on there. And also people definitely would know just when they see that. Yeah. Well, they would know she's the luckiest for sure. And so it plays both ways. That's that's that's what is there. Is there a go to thing that you can draw, Mike?

For a tattoo? Yeah. Is it going to be the Stussy sign? That everyone doodled? A lot of practice in middle school. I can I can knock that thing out of the park uh but if i have to draw a tattoo for the wife it will just be a good old-fashioned heart because i i can get that done yeah boring and sick yeah you do only get one shot at the heart so if you mess up that and it's a lumpy heart draw this heart that i hear so much about

well i know what andy can draw yeah well i started cackling when this question was being asked because andy is is well known around these parts andy has the most artistic ability of the three of us uh and he will frequently doodle when like just is like you're not thinking about it you're just doodling while you're having the conversation but it will turn into a very unique portrait of like someone in the office where it you're like it's a caricature it's a caricature of of that person and yet one thing will be off like you'll give them it's kind of my style you'll give them like really really tiny arms yeah i have a portrait of me with one real wrong arm. Like the strong hand from Scary Movie 2.

Or like a real elongated neck. Yes. Everything else is pretty on point. But you do draw like a cowboy really well. Like you often draw like a little. His name's Hickory Pete. Yeah. Oh.

He's Hickory Pete. And he's a doodle I've done for years. The one doodle face. Not a great tattoo, though. Yeah. The one doodle face I do, his name was Tubby. Oh, he should meet Hickory. Let's go.

We'll have a whole comic book. Yeah. All right. So Mike's drawing a heart. Hickory and Tubby. I'm making my wife the luckiest. Yeah. I'm probably trying to do a doodle of not hickory, Pete.

Probably more of a line drawing or something like I've doodled from time to time just to save. You know, I'll just say it's a geometric art form. You know what I mean? No, that's good. I like that. Very modern. Very modern. That's what I'll tell her.

It's art. There's nothing wrong with it. It's art. You are hiking with a friend when a boulder falls and pins both of you by the arm oh each of us by one arm yes yes i love this question oh so this is i love this question this is like um the movie with uh 48 that was a franco hours which was based on a real thing that happened yes 72 hours later it's 128 24 hours i don't know it's 127 127 i was almost there bro listen you and your friend it happens to you guys the boulder falls it pins each of you by the arm you have two

pocket knives okay no way out do you cut off your own arms or cut off each other's arms oh i i'm there's no chance. You can't do yours? No chance. This, there's... Because that's what happened in the movie, and I know it's grotesque to talk about. Well, he didn't have a friend.

No, he didn't have a friend, so it's like... I feel like cutting your own hand off is impossible. I feel like it's impossible. Now, I know that maybe after a certain amount of pain and time... Time, and you start starving and you're in your your survival instincts kick in see the problem here is because I have a knife my friend is gonna have to cut his own arm off in front of a dead person that doesn't sound like an easy way to go, though. It's a pocket knife.

Oh, man. How are you going to end yourself? Every single cut on my or their arm, I would just faint. This would be a slow bleed. Like, I'm never getting through this. I can't. So he's going to unfortunately wish he was by himself. I am now imagining you like, okay, I can do this. I can do this.

Oh! They just pass out one cut at a time and then five minutes wakes up okay oh that's right and then just eventually and then eventually i just die of blood loss exposure i never got to the bone like i'm just i just really hurt myself that story is still oh it's gnarly and it. And it's real. It's an incredible story. Really difficult. James Franco really did this. I feel like you have to do the, I'll cut yours off, you cut mine off. I'm doing my own.

Are you really? Yeah. So me and you are in this situation, Mike. I'll handle both of them. So Mike does both. No, it's fine. Here's the only reason why I want you to cut my arm off is i can look the other way yeah that's it i i know the pain's gonna be there but i can look the other way while

you do it now you are gonna have to break the bone i might i might be able to survive that i might be able to survive if someone else is doing it and i look the other way but i i have to give me the whiskey you've got to be incrediblyibly aggressive You know what I mean You go go go No try 57 This is why you hike with whiskey though You still have a free arm Grab that bag

One of the top tips I have for hiking What do you put in your camel pack Water Everybody should bring all the equipment To sufficiently cut your own arm off. I always like with a bone saw. A bone saw. All right. Good thing I have this bone saw.

It could be useful. Let's get into the draft. The Spitballers Draft. Well, I said it at the top. We are drafting the best old generation names. Names that are no longer common. Little baby boys and little baby girls, not commonly named what they were named in yesteryear.

But today we are picking our favorites, the best old generation names. And like I said, when I went through this list, to me it's like, let's get back to this. There are some good ones. These are outstanding. And so, Jason, you have the great honor to draft. This is the worst draft we've ever done for having the 101. Like even when you do months, December was great.

I've got a clear 101 here. You've got a clear 101. Oh, clear. I do not. Now, I want clarity, speaking of clear. When we say the best old-timey names, are we really meaning the worst old-timey names? No. So we're saying the-

Well, I mean, you can do it however you want. I mean, it encapsulates a lot of things. It's basically like the best. Okay. If it's the best, because I was seeing it almost in reverse. If it's the best, here's a name. But The Best is kind of the worst. This is the confusion.

But I just mean what makes it great is that it's so iconically old-timey. Thank you. It's so old. It's so iconic. You can't get more iconic than this. And I think part of the reason this name isn't used anymore is because it became a classic character in a great movie. Oh, it's on my list!

And I'm going to Kansas. I'm going to be... Oh, no, it's not on my list. I know where you're going. I'm going Dorothy. Okay. My grandmother's name. Yes. See? Yes. Yeah, my grandmother's name is Dorothy who... Nickname Dot. You know... Really? Dot? Yeah, Dot is the nickname is Dorothy, who nickname, Dot.

You know, really, Dot? Yeah, Dot is the nickname for Dorothy. I almost put Dottie on my list. Okay. Is that short for Dorothy? That's long for Dot. But Dot is short for Dorothy. Yeah, I mean, some of those bounce around. There's a way that Bob is short for Robert or Robbie.

Like no one's birth certificate says Bob. No, no, it doesn't. Yeah, really. They don't. I'm sure someone's does, but most people's do not. Uncle Bob's did. So you went with Dorothy. I'm a little sad.

I thought I'd be able to draft my grandmother's name, but thanks for taking that away from me. All right. I should have just looked up my family tree. I'm going to go with another female name as well from yesteryear i'm going with martha oh yeah i'm going with good old-fashioned martha who i'm sure my grandmother has some friends that were named martha superman's mom martha yeah i believe it's also batman's mom i don't know how they got away with that look i know all i know is that when i am going to the church lunch and martha has made made some coleslaw or something

and she's put it out, it's really good. You know, that's full fat mayonnaise. You bet it is. In that cooking. So Dorothy and Martha. Okay. Now, Mike, you've got a couple picks. Great news.

My 101 made it through the gauntlet of your two picks uh i'm gonna kick this one off uh with a good old-fashioned archibald oh is that that's your 101 that's my 101 it's amazing that you had such conviction about archibald as the number one i mean not on my list i mean i believe that arch that Archie. It's a great name. Believe Archie would be a shortened version. It's got the word bald in it, which is just, it makes it inherently funny. And old. Archibald. I love it.

Yeah, I am, Mike. Archibald. Great. I love the pit. And it's a three-syllable name. Which gives it a little bit more oomph. You have more gusto in your name. If you got three syllables, not many names do.

Dorothy. Right? Yeah. So Mike and I both have three syllables. Maritha. Athlete. All right. So we're going to start it off with Archibald,

and then we're going to follow that up with a lady's name. We're going to go with Gertrude. That's a good one. That's a good one. Oh, my gosh. I should have seen the Archibald-Gertrude combo coming. I can't believe you both let them slip through. Oh, genius.

But here dominating the beginning of the draft, Archibald and Gertrude, they were married in 1917. Oh, you bet they were. They made it through the Dust Bowl. They only lost five of their seven children. Yeah. I mean, but they made it. But they made it.

To the ripe old age of 51. When was the Dust Bowl? Is that a thing? Was that during the Depression? I believe it was. Surrounding the Depression? Yeah. You don't know the Dust Bowl, Jay?

No. It's a drought-stricken southern plains region of the United States. Yeah, it was not a good time in the United States. Yeah, that doesn't sound good. Yeah, when you can't grow food. 1930s. Okay, yeah. So, yeah, right after the, that's in the Depression era.

Yeah, yeah, okay. But Archibald is. Oh, Archibald made it through. He is strong. Yeah. All I hear now is Archibald. By the power of the consonants in his name. Archibald is... Oh, Archibald made it through. He is strong. Yeah. All I hear now is... By the power of the consonants in his name. Archibald.

That's all I hear now. You say Archibald, and I'm like, stop it. Some of the reasons they don't name kids that anymore. Yeah. That was the worst insult at school. All right, so Archibald and Gertrude are great. Look, I'm going with not the nickname version, the full name. I'm going to go with a gentleman's name now after Martha to join Martha.

And it's going to be Theodore. Oh, it's on my list. Theodore and Martha. Look, they made it through as well. I feel like Theodore is, but Theodore is like, you can still use that. Because it was a president. Well, and because of the Teddy nickname, I think that makes it easier. No, Theo.

Sure. Theo is still out there. Well, and because of the Teddy nickname, I think that makes it easier. No, Theo. Sure. Theo is still out there. Well, I have a friend who's got a child. Yeah, one of my friend's kid is Theo as well. It's like Theodore. But it does hit the triple syllables. Right. What I don't know is if he is cracking wise if they hit him with the Theodore.

Ooh. Yeah, I don't know. With the old, it sounded like he's a chipmunk. I got you. I did not. I was not there on Alvin. Simon and Theodore.

Yeah. All right, so Jason, you got Dorothy and now you got two picks. Oh, they're going to be so good. This is go time. They're going to be so good. Well, look,

the first one I've got to go with is a name that is the middle name for my father. My father hates this name so much. Was it his father's name? I don't know. Maybe his grandpappy's name. But my father always hated his middle name because it was super old for that generation. And I don't know anyone who's been named this name in a long

long time but it's you it's it's eugene yes gene is very games don't start with e anymore right you know what i mean like when you start your name e u. There's nowhere to go. There's nowhere to go but Gene. Those letters are just not really used in names much. Okay, so you've got Dorothy and Eugene. Dorothy and Eugene. We've all made a couple here. Now, what are their kids' names? Now, did your father know that he is, as an American citizen,

he could legally just go change that? I don't. Where do you go to change your name? Do you have to go to the DMV? You go to the DMV. Oh, yeah. They don't let you change your middle name. I'm sorry to tell you.

That's permanent. That one stuck. That one sticks. Okay. I'm going to go back to the female name. I'm going to go back to, look, I've got Dorothy. She needs a sister. And a lot of times, you name your siblings with the same letter.

Yeah. And so, Dorothy. No. Meet Dolores. Oh, it's on my list. Dolores is a good one. Dorothy and Dolores. Dolores is the name.

That is an old-timey name. Wow. That is a good one. The sisters. Dorothy and Dolores. Dolores is the name. That is an old-timey name. Wow, that is a good one. The sisters. Dorothy and Dolores. Oh, man. Born in 1899. Oh, man. From when they came on the Transcontinental Railroad.

Mike's just hitting the historical references through and through. All right, is it back to me? It is. So, Jason, you have Dorothy, Eugene, and Dolores. I have Martha and Theodore. And now I have Estelle. Oh. I'm going with Estelle.

I mean, what is that? What is that? Estelle, get over here. I mean, that is an old-timey name, so I feel good. There's a famous Estelle, right? Yeah, there's a British rapper is there yeah goes by Estelle oh I thought like someone's name like like Ben Stiller's mom or something like that I know no real Estelle Estella well Estella is a different name also would

qualify for this there is a rapper 42 years old named Estelle. Well, there you go. But Estelle Harris is the most. Yeah, so that's what I was going to say. Sorry to interrupt. Go ahead, Andy. No, that's the mother from. Is that the mother from Everybody Loves Raymond? No, that's George's mom in Seinfeld. Oh, that's what it is.

I knew it was. Yeah, okay. I knew I'd heard it. So you're telling me that England has given us Estelle and Adele. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's next? England? We don't know all right mike archibald and gertrude powerhouse picks yes uh archibald and gertrude and like i talked like i talked about the the kids that made it through the dust bowl uh to go into the the

great depression there first there was was their, their son Seymour. Yeah. That's a good one. Great school got rid of that name. Great school said you are no longer allowed to get rid of that. Your kids Seymour. Wow. Archibald Gertrude and Seymour. Yes. Power house. And Seymour was often seen tending the field. Yes. The cabbage fields. He's got more. With his brother.

Part of Big Cabbage. Yes. See, this is where I thought you were going with an old-timey name who created a legendary movie franchise. And he was often famous for going certain places and i'm gonna go with earnest oh it's on my list mr p whirl himself so earnest and uh seymour out there making was earnest and honest man oh honest and earnest always archibald gertrude seymour and earnest earnest scared stupid was so scary that movie i'm i'm glad that

you mentioned that because i that was one of those movies that i remember seeing it in the in the theater with with uh with my sister and my pops and i was shook to the core like not allowed to watch those movies like smart parents oh i mean, just like in the movie theater seat, just frozen. It's a scary movie, huh? Just frozen in total fear. Wasn't supposed to be. Oh, I mean, yeah, it's just. It's like a funny comedy Halloween movie.

Is it disturbing? Is it like because it takes you into like a weird place versus jump scare? Or was it jump scare? There's probably some jump scares in there, but it's like a bad guy is freezing people or something like that. And then I had watched it years later as an adult. It was, whoa, whoa, whoa. This was scary. Yeah.

It's like Pee Wee's Big Adventure that's scary. Yeah. Because that guy was a creep, and we all knew it subconsciously. You can see, like, watching Ernest Scared Stupid as an adult, you would think there's no possible way that this is scary to a child because this is just silliness. But as a child, it was terrifying. All right, Archibald, Gertrude, Seymour, and Ernest,

I am going to make my final pick. I have Martha, Theodore, Estelle, and I'm going to end with an old-fashioned Harold. Oh, yes. Harold is...-fashioned Harold. Oh, yes. Harold is. Harold. Just got back from another shift at the old Treasury Trust Bank. Oh, so Harold's making his way up at the local paper.

Okay. Harold. He likes to shout things. Oh, no. All right, Jason. You are. Thank you. Up.

You have Dorothy, Eugene, Dolores. What are you closing it out with? Well, I think I was a little bit jealous of Archibald. And so with the last pick, I'm going to get something with just as much weight, just as much regality. Impossible. As many syllables. And I'm going to take Reginald.

Oh, yes. Reginald. Yes. I didn't realize how important syllables were in these drafts. Yeah. I mean, if it wasn't for my dad, like I had to get Eugene. I had to. Because what a bad name, Papa.

But, you know, otherwise I have, you know, all three syllables. I've got Dolores and Reginald and Dorothy. We could hit one more round. I'm just saying. Oh, I've got. We could slide back through for a fifth pick. Reginald, is it the actor or the character's name from Family Matters? The father.

I will vet it. I will vet it as we look. It's more of a you question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not sure. I'm asking it to the world. It looks like it's the actor. Yeah, the actor's name is Reginald.

I mean, look at look at this guy oh he's a happy like i mean he was he was the ultimate television dad he's he's a good clean cop he was taking down dirty cops and he's just reginald he's getting it done yeah but that was carl winslow ain't no reginald that's also an excellent name So are we wrapping or do we want one more round? Well the people have already heard you Tease this next round So why don't you make one more So we gotta go

One more round I was not prepared But I could go a bunch more rounds That was the opposite of You want credit for not being You were the actor Accepting your award i didn't expect this pulling up your list of people to thank yeah i wasn't prepared for next in line is kind of what i meant oh okay um i'm gonna have to abandon my three syllables here

but there is a name that i mean i most of these names like i you just brought it up reginald there was an actor yeah estelle there's i don't know anybody that's ever been named in the modern day mod oh yes m-a-u-d-e but like harold and maude was a famous play growing up maude is like what a terrible name and now you've got both of them there yeah well i've got harold i've got Maude. Oh, you took Harold? Okay. All right. Maude, what is that all about? It's about a young man who... Oh, no, that's Maude. ...befriends...

A nice shade of Maude. It's a squad. We know that. Yeah. Ironically, the old play, this old play... Harold and Maude? ...is about a young man who befriends an old woman. So this old play was an old woman named then.

Yes, it was. And by the way, that was like pretty much the first time I met Jason was when he was in Harold and Maude. I was Harold. Oh, wait, you starred in Harold and Maude. He did. Which one were you? Not Maude.

I was Harold. Okay. Is it a two-person show? Pretty much. Primary. There's more. Okay. Is it a two-person show? Pretty much. Primary. There's more, but... All right. He considered it more of a one-man show.

All right. Martha, Theodore, Estelle, Harold, and I am very pleased to finish with a name that doesn't even look like it's spelled correctly. Gladys. Oh, Gladys. I'm going with Gladys, which is G-L-A-D-Y-S, because we can do that. We're allowed to do that.

Gladys. So Gladys is my final pick to join Harold. It's a sensational name, Miss Knight in the Pips. I don't know the last Gladys. When's the last Gladys? Gladys Knight. Yeah, I know, but I'm just saying. Since Gladys Knight, I don't think. Was she the final? I mean, when you're as awesome as Gladys. When's the last Gladys? Gladys Knight. Yeah, I know, but I'm just saying. Since Gladys Knight.

Was she the final? I mean, when you're as awesome as Gladys Knight, I don't know that you can keep that name going. I was going to say, wouldn't it be neat if they retired names like they do jerseys in this major sport? So it's like once a good one comes and hits, they're like, no. America has retired Gladys. Gladys is done.

You need to go to Canada if you would like to. Up to the rafters. You've got to go to Canada if you'd like to have a Gladys. Gladys is done. You need to go to Canada if you would like to. Up to the rafters. You've got to go to Canada if you'd like to have a Gladys. All right, Mike, your final pick. All right, I am very torn between two names. One has the syllables, but one just sounds way older. That's a tough call. All right, I'm going to go with the older sounding one.

You have enough syllables through your rest of your team you can afford it and uh all right so yeah we'll go with this name i'm gonna go with orville redenbacher i mean you're talking about word association like orville aside from mr redenbacher Orville I mean what's amazing is it's hard to say all of these names I want you to realize all of these names were the names

of these people as babies yes there was a baby Orville there was a baby Martha a baby Harold a baby Gertrude I mean that's just amazing. You spelled the oval wrong.

They'd probably call it like Gertie. Did you say Anvil? No. Come here, Gertie. Oh, they nickname them all? Yeah. I think Gerd was probably pretty serious back then. I don't know.

It's the word. Reginald, get over here. All right. How many do we have not drafted here? All right. I'll just... The one I was... Give me some of your favorites that are left over.

I was very torn between Orville, which is just a funny name, and Bernadette. Peters. Yes. I've got Blanche. Yeah. And Wilfred and Alfred. Yeah, I got both of those. They're both only butlers.

That's why they stopped naming them, because they knew if I name him Alfred, he's got to grow up and become a butler. Yeah. For a superhero. Right. Ethel. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one.

Bessie. That's a cow. I know. We think it is, but there's people. Atticus. Is that a name? Yeah. Atticus Finch.

I thought that's the counting tool. Oh, yes. It's an abacus. It's a math tool. Yeah, there you goch. I thought that's the counting tool. Oh, yes. It's an abacus. There you go. Abacus. What did we learn today? I learned how to get rid of jealousy. Oh, man.

Infinite money. You just buy your way out. Did you learn anything today, Mike? I did. I learned the song of the pigeon. Oh, my gosh. Poop, poop, poop, poop, eat, eat, fly. I guess I relearned that Archibald really is the 101 in that draft.

All the syllables, all the old name, Archibald. I mean, how? Archibald, Jay? How cranky is Archibald? Oh, get off his lawn. Permacolic from birth for Archibald, Jay? How cranky is Archibald? Oh, get off his lawn. Permacolic from birth for Archibald. All right, that'll do it for today, Spitballers. Thanks for tuning in.

See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.