Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 20: Crying Over Spilled Milk and Curing the Bubonic Plague - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 29, 2018

What an unbelievable episode! The guys find out things about one another that almost tears them apart. If you've ever wanted to laugh over people fighting about nonsense then this is the episode for you. So many important questions answered like "can you fill an Amazon cart with a million dollars worth of product," "what's the best thing to do when you can float 2 feet off the ground," and "what kind of milk is the best kind of milk?" Finally, the draft is back as the guys pick the best vacation destinations in the world!  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Just another day at the office hard at work welcome in this is the spitballers podcast andy mike and jason handling tackling the world's greatest issues one question at a time tackling the world's greatest issues one question at a time your weekly dose of family-friendly nonsense how are you guys doing i'm doing i'm doing well how did how did you know how like you you look the man wants to know how you're doing jason you just shook it off like it was nothing i answered and i moved on i said well asked and answered asked and answered. Asked and answered. So you remember how, like, we used to survive without cell phones.

Yes. Right? Like, now. I've read about it, yeah. As children. I read about that on my phone. Yeah. You'd get dropped off at the mall.

Hey, I'll pick you up at 4 o'clock right here. Yeah, and then you pick up the pay phone and you call 1-800-COLLECT because Uncle Jesse told me on the Super Bowl commercial that's how I do it. And so it's like, but, I mean, now I can't even, if I separate from my wife at a Walmart, I need a cell phone or I'm never fighting her again. Yes. But it's like, that just made me think,

how did people get through the tough questions of today before the Spitballers podcast? Well, they were never answered. Right. And you were fine with it. You just had to accept. Well, if Billy comes home, he knows when the streetlights go off, he should come home.

If he's not home, then we move on. He's no longer part of the family. Yeah, he's gone. He's dead to me. We'll get a new one. There's just a finite amount of total questions at that point in time. Yeah. And they were all in the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Right. And if you had a question that was outside the bounds. In in time. Yeah. And they were all in the Encyclopedia Britannica. Right. And if you had a question that was outside the bounds. In Carta. Right. I have inherited. This is true. I have this in my garage right now. I have a set of Encyclopedia Britannicas.

It's in like 20 boxes. And I looked this up once and it's worth a lot of money, which I don't get why. What? You need to sell, man. But how do you sell? It's so heavy. There are books in your garage that are probably dusty as crap. I mean, if dust can get inside of a box.

There's dust inside the dust. Inside the dust of these books that are valuable? Apparently. Dude. What are we talking here? I think like five grand. What are you doing with your life, man? Are these heirlooms?

The bubble is going to burst, and you're going to have a bunch of rookie baseball cards in your garage worth nothing. Are you telling me that encyclopedias are hot right now, but soon the people who like encyclopedias? Yeah, they're hot right now, and then I'm going to flood the market because I'm hitting the... You're hitting the Moore household garage. I'm hitting the local garage sales to find these pure liquid gold you've got in there. Just from garage sale to garage sale.

You got any botanicas here? I gave you $2. Yeah, we got the O through P. What do you want for it? It was... You better grab the set of Ks because those are worth a lot. Every single box is pretty much made of gold. Not just...

I mean, that's how heavy it is. These are the heaviest boxes of all time. I like that weight is the number one deterrent from you selling the Britannica. If I were to sell it online... You'd have to move them. I would have to ship so much boxes. I'll do it. I'll take on this burden.

Yeah. I might just give it to you. Mike and I will happily. The two of us together can definitely lift the Britannicas out of the garage. Do I get a 10% cut? Yes. Yes. All right.

I think we got a partnership here. Most consignors give like 80% to the person selling. He wants 10%. Dang it. Deal. 20. He wants 10%. Dang it. Deal. 20. It's on record, man. We've got Would You Rather, Life Advice, and a Mock Draft on the show today.

You can follow us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. And look, we always appreciate your kind support and reviews over on the Apple Podcast or wherever you're listening. And with that in mind, we like to read them from time to time. Well, Jason does. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from HooliganTheFoodJunkie from Canada. Hoolay. Bonjour.

Siden. Siden. Bonjour. He says, uniquely entertaining. That'll work. Mildly disturbing. He says, uniquely entertaining. That'll work. Mildly disturbing. Yeah, that's true. Your brand of humor and your comedic views lend to a fantastic show for everyone.

It definitely softens the blow of a Monday. Keep it up. Okay. Okay, we'll try. Look, that's why they come out on Mondays. We want to start your week off right. We want to tackle the world's biggest questions. We want to put a smile on your face with our intelligence.

Oh, so smart. Because that's what makes you smile. Yes, we smile because of how smart we are. Haven't you ever seen Stephen Hawking? Oh, it makes me smile. It makes you smile. Moving along. With his intelligence. seeing Stephen Hawking how much I oh it makes me smile makes me smile moving along with his intelligence

would you rather isn't that why you guys both smile around me so much yeah yeah that's it Stephen Hawking actually when I dig into his work

I don't smile I just you when I dig into his when's the last time you were digging into his it's like a bd badenica he did that it's oh no he didn't make him he didn't make all the hawking's work will make you feel like an insignificant peon in the gigantic infinite universe of course

it would you will reel in now you realize that nothing matters well I mean, I don't read a lot of Hawking. You should. Would you rather have $10 million, but only one hour to spend it, or $1 million and you can spend it all at your leisure? Ooh, that $10 million is mighty tempting. This is essentially like, do you remember those old supermarket shops? Like where the kids would win the- Yeah, the shopping spree. The shopping spree. The shopping spree.

The KB toys. Yeah, you'd win, but you had one cart in 30 seconds. Yes. To get whatever you want. Oh, and sometimes they didn't go down the Nintendo aisle. I mean, what idiots. With their arms just stretched out. I don't care if I get multiple copies.

I'm not going to gently put one at a time. You're not searching for the right video game. No. You're running down the aisle with all of them. Just scooping them all into the cart. That's what I'm saying. That cart's right next to the shelf. Here's the problem that happens when that situation happens. You feel the time.

Let's say it's a new store. You don't know where anything is. Anytime you go looking for something, it's time you could be scooping stuff into your cart. So if you don't know, what if you spend all the time trying to find Nintendo and you never find it? Oh, yeah. You're not prepared. You're dumb.

Look, if you get selected for the KB Shop-a-thon, you're going to every single KB Toys around your area. Building a map. Getting the layout, saying, okay, the video games are usually next to this. Okay. Next to the Fluffies. Question for you, Andy.

Because I know if Mike were to take the $10 million in one hour, he would go straight to the video game aisle. Clearly. And he would just go, I can get all of them. I got 80 copies of Duck Hunt. Yes. But. So here's some things you couldn't do in an hour. You probably couldn't close on an hour.

Oh, that's where I was going to ask. You can't do real estate. And that's the biggest bummer here. So a handshake deal is not the same. The money is gone from your account. I could buy $10 million in stock in an hour. Yeah, you could. Probably. Cheater.

That's a little bit of a cheat. Let's amend this. Whatever you buy in the hour with $10 million, you cannot then cash in for money. At any point. So I can't go buy 50 trucks and then sell them. This is Brewster's Millions rules.

What is that? Brewster's Millions is a movie. Cable show? No, this is a movie. It's Pryor, right? Yeah. Richard Pryor. So good. Richard Pryor, and the deal is he's going to inherit a huge amount of money

if he can spend like $10 million in a week or something. But part of the rules are you can't just do an investment. Right. He had to actually. You have to frivolously spend all of the money to get the big payout. So if I get a million dollars and I can spend it in my time, I'm getting probably a house, a really nice pad, and then you're kind of set.

But $10 million for an hour, how do you spend that? Here's the real question. Could you competently spend one-tenth of it in an hour? Yes. Because that would be the million. Right. So could you competently spend enough of it to surpass what you do but wouldn't that still be wasting like here's the deal

my not my amazon cart would be lit i mean but even amazon won't charge you within the hour no that counts that counts the transaction is complete well then how is that any different than a handshake agreement because Because the transaction's not complete. But it's not complete because the money has not been taken out of your account. That was your rules. Well, then if I make the rules. It's begin the process of posting. That one counts.

Yeah. So if I get the $10 million, can I get like 10 different cases full of actual liquid cash? What is liquid cash? What in the world is liquid cash? It's liquid. Like, I have the money. You don't have... I got coins, I got dollars, and I got the liquid.

You accept liquid here? What? Didn't you take a tube of tins the other day? You never seen Mad Max? Water is money. Okay, so cash. I have actual physical dollars. We just said whatever you buy.

We literally just said that. Whatever you buy, you cannot cash in for money. No, but I'm saying when I start the process and they say, okay, you have 60 minutes starting now. Do I have the money on me? Sure, yeah. Or it's in your bank account, whichever. So I can go up to someone's house. Oh, and offer's a $500,000 house and I go,

I have a suitcase full of a million dollars. I will give this to you right now, but I have to buy your house right now. That could theoretically work. But how do you find that house that fast? What if you want to live someplace other than an hour away? Just like the KB shopping spree.

I'll take the million dollars spent at my lease. I'm taking the ten. It's the best hour of my life. You're only going to spend $100,000. Man, you know what I'm going to do after this show? I'm going to go try to spend a million dollars on Amazon. Just in the cart.

I'm going to see what I can do. After that, at the end of that, it's going to be like, oh, this is $25,000. Yeah, do they cap you? I'm going to find out I can do and after that the end of that it's going to be like oh this is $25,000 do they cap you? I'm going to find out on a debit purchase on Amazon could you put a million dollars worth of stuff in there? I guess you got to go a million here I guess we're unanimous

would you rather never eat a carb again or never eat dairy again so a carb is any sugar bread, flours, wheat I mean you guys are the carb Dairy again. So a carb is any sugar, right? Bread. Flours. Wheat.

I mean, you guys are the carb whatever. Yeah, the delicious stuff, those are carbs. Desserts are out. Fruit. But then you could... Yeah, it's out. Or never eat dairy. No cheese, no milk, no ice cream. So the vegetables are also out.

No sour cream. Because it's a carbohydrate. We'll count veg. You can have veggies. I mean, you know, no heavy carbs. All right. Keto life. So you're living the keto life, Mike.

You're fine being carb free for now. Sure. But I'm sneaking a Chipotle burrito in once a week. Once a week these days. Yeah. It was once. It was like it was once a month then now it's just then it was burrito day then it was okay every two weeks i'll get the burrito i'll get up one

a burrito per week yeah now what's coming now to be fair now it's wednesdays fridays tuesdays when back in my old life where i didn't care what i ate i ate chipotle at least three times a week so i've cut back did you eat that on your own and no one else in the family would eat it? Or would you get it for the whole family? Chipotle? Like, was this just Mike's Chipotle night? Like, the family ate something and then you had a burrito. What are you guys eating tonight?

I got a burrito for myself on the way home. I forced them to eat Chipotle. And even though my oldest boy, he's the only one who actually likes it. Did your wife ever get sick of it? Well, she ate the quesadillas. Oh, I love the quesadillas. Why can't you order those online? I don't know.

Mr. or Mrs. Chipotle, what the heck is going on? So that's obviously a major world issue. Yes. That's the combination of carbs and dairy. Yeah. The quesadilla, right? I mean, you've got the bread and the cheese. That's out no matter what.

I think I would rather never eat a carb again because I live and love ice cream. Your issue is 100% ice cream. It's not dairy. It's ice cream. The question is which one of these allows me to eat ice cream? Yeah, because you could do – I feel like you could do without milk. You could do without cheese. But this man –

I love cereal too, which involves milk. Spit wads. You don't know. We couldn't joke. We couldn't joke in a way that would make you believe the truth of how much ice cream Andy Holloway eats. He says things like, I have three to four, five pints a week. That's real. That's just what he... But you're eating almost carb-free ice cream now because you do the Halo Tops or the Briars.

Briars Delights. Although I would always get a dessert if I went to a restaurant. Like, not anymore. But if it were my choice, I always have room for ice cream. I think we need to put a poll up just asking how many people, because this is a genuine question I think Andy has. Because it's my life. Is do most people, when they buy the pint. Oh, yeah.

Is that a one serving? Is that a single serving or is that a multiple? I mean, I've never finished a pint in one sitting in my life. I've always considered those big ones. I almost said the liter. What is that? The half gallon. The half gallon.

The cola. Those are single serving for? The half gallon? The half gallon. The cola? Those are single serving for you. It's not a full gallon. The half gallons, I've always been like, that's for a couple servings. I'm proud of you. I've eaten the pint before. Well, who hasn't? Jason just said he may have never finished a pint.

They don't put them in single serving containers for no reason. the point yeah i don't put them in single serve containers for no reason um okay so for me i can't like i i did the keto thing with you mike i've done that a couple times i'll probably go keto again um the sugar's too good to give up sugar for the rest of my life is to give up the rest of my life. You get test tube sugar. What do you mean? Erythritol. Sorbitol. The stuff that every time you drink some of it, you've

removed a year of your life. Well, that's fine because I'm getting the sweetness. I mean, so long as I can get the sweetness, I can continue living. It's if I can't have the sweet. Right. Why even be alive? Oh, man. Mike, which one do you go with?

No carb? Yeah, this one I'm doing right now. Would you rather... Jason, did you give an answer? I didn't. I think I'm not going to eat dairy again. I still need the sugar. Yeah.

All right. Would you rather be able to fly, but only two feet high? Okay. Or have the ability to read minds but you can only read the negative stuff about you the two the two of the most desired superpowers in the world talk about fly and i can read minds and they're ruined what what benefit are you getting if you can just hear everyone's negative thoughts about you. It's called the superpower of bitterness. No.

I mean, think about the advantages, right? What advantages? If someone really doesn't like you, you know? But you don't know that. Wouldn't you want to know? No. I've been on Twitter, man. I already know.

I don't want to know. Twitter tells me everything. Screw you, Bob. What if... Look, I am as, what is the opposite of fashionable? Jason Moore. Yes, I am the most Jason Moore that you could ever get. I don't understand what matches.

I don't understand what's in. I'm an idiot when it comes to those things. It would be cool to go out and be like, you know. Walmart-y. Yeah. Yes. The people of Walmart. And so to just go, why is he?

You are my people. Why is he wearing a green shirt with green pants? And then I go, oh, this is bad. I heard that. It's negative. And so now I know, change your clothes. So you're going to hear nothing good that anybody says.

Only negative thoughts. This is what I'm saying. You're going to hear only negative thoughts people have about you for years. And that is going to compile a very bad self-image. And you'll be bitter and angry

and sad. Or you could be flying! Who and sad. I'm going to stick with the people. Or you could be flying. Who cares? Two feet is two feet. That's floating. That's floating. So what?

You get to float. I mean, that's still pretty cool, but what are you going to do with floating? Float over the water. Yeah, that's what I thought of, too. The first thing that came to my mind is, like, that'd be pretty cool. Look, I see the sharks can still get you, though though they can still jump out of that water and get you two foot yeah is your speed the same as a walk you have 100 wait so you're not you're just you're just floating you're just two feet above the ground which will be actually unusable in most indoor situations because the door you'll be like like, look what I can do, and then you can't go through a door.

Now, basketball would be pretty cool. Illegal. No traveling. They'll kick you out. No traveling at all. I can hold that ball like a running back. I'm pretty sure they're not going to let the one guy that floats is probably not allowed in the NBA.

What's your – were the physics of you floating around? Oh, I just – yeah, they could just push me right out of bounds. Just a nice, gentle, gentle. There's advantages. I mean, have you ever gone to hang something up? You're like, man, I have to go get the freaking step stool because I can't reach by a foot. That's pretty cool. Not a problem.

I'm two feet taller. Yeah. It's got applications. I still I would be normal sized I am shorter Than these two gentlemen Not two feet shorter

Not two feet shorter Also I'm the heaviest of the bunch Also you're not two feet taller You can just reach two feet higher Is there any advantage As a soldier or in warfare To being able to float two feet above the ground there any advantage as a soldier or in warfare to being able to float two feet above the ground? I think there's a distinct disadvantage to being floating.

Hey, what is that monster? Shoot him. Costume possibilities. Oh, that's the ghost? The sheet. Look, you get to be a ghost or a balloon. You could also... So like your spouse ties a string to you and you're a balloon.

But two feet high off the ground. Yeah. Technically flying two feet off the ground, you could be horizontal, which means you could sleep in the forest without any concern of insects. No ants. No ants. Oh, you still have ants in your pants. You know, there's a lot of insects that fly.

Well, sure. Not two feet high though, right? Yeah. This moth can't reach me here. You have no valor. Can you do anything with the horizontal flying? I'm trying to adapt. I mean, I'm obviously taking the flying here.

If I had that ability, I feel like I wouldn't use it. I would be. It would be novel for a little while. And then you'd be like, eh. I'm taking the mind reading. I want to know the bad thoughts people have. What am I saying right now? Oh, no.

You're telling me I should be wearing pants? Yes. Dang, neg it. I love that that's negative thoughts. Yeah, well, you're saying, oh, once again, not wearing pants. I think we're done. Spitmallers to the rescue. Just so that the people listening out there are aware,

Mike and I rarely see anything that's gone into these docks before we sit down. Sometimes we help out with a question here or there, but, I mean, a lot of them coming off the Internet, and a lot of times they're hitting us for the first time here. So I have no idea what Josh Dillman from the website wants to know. He's got a very serious problem. Okay. Office

sneezing conundrum. I work in an open cubicle area, and I've noticed over the last few months that my coworkers say bless you to each other when one of them sneezes. Sometimes multiple bless yous. Mike is shaking his head for some reason. Fair times.

However, they never say it. It makes perfect sense for me, but let's get to the end. They never say it when I sneeze. Oh, what jerks. But I really want them to say it to me, so how should I confront this issue? Oh, poor guy. So, Mike, you don't like the bless yous. No. Because you don't like any pittance of just polite for polite's sake.

Why is it polite? Because it is. Yeah, this is my problem. That's what I just said. You don't like anything that's, like, saying hello, how are you? No, no, that's fine. I understand that. I understand being cordial.

But, like, things that, like, well, why do we do that? Well, because we've always done it. That's a terrible reason to do anything in your life is because that's what we've always done. I don't think so. Ooh, counter-argument, Andy. You've got the floor. Because, here's why.

Because when you do what you've always done, there is attached meaning to it. And you betray that attached meaning regardless of whether or not you think it should matter. Right? Example. Example. Giving somebody a birthday card.

Stupidest thing. Objectively stupidest thing on earth. Yes. Holiday cards. Get out of my life. Right. Get out. Yes.

But when you go to a birthday party and people are expecting a birthday gift, you give it because it's what you've always done because you want to say, I respect you. And that's your problem. You don't respect people. I think that is the root of the issue here. There's no respect. So bless yous.

I think you should get over it. Bless yous really are greeting cards. Look, the bless you. You're greeting the sneeze with, you know, like I'm acknowledging and being polite to you. Yeah, get well soon. Bless you. Yes, I'm opening the door bless you. You're greeting the sneeze with, you know, like, I'm acknowledging and being polite to you. Yeah, get well soon. Bless you. Yes, that's where it came from.

I'm opening the door for you. That's where it came from. The origin of saying bless you. Was that where it came from? Was back during the bubonic plague. Good times. Because coughing and sneezing were symptoms of the plague. And so it was.

Oh, so they blessed them so that they would remove the plague. So you're hoping that you'd sneeze. Can I ask you? Holy crap, I hope you don't have the plague. Bless you. So now let me ask you this. Is the bubonic plague rampant now or not? Coincidence?

Or did bless you remove the plague? So the way that we have removed the plague from the world. Is blessing one another when they sneeze. That seems pretty important. Just to be clear, I want to make sure that we get this right. Josh Dillman is on his way to the bubonic plague. Yes, if his coworkers, if your coworker will not bless you after you sneeze, but they bless others, they are wishing the plague upon you.

That's weird though, right? Like if you're in, let's say, let's just make it very easy to visualize. Let's say you're in one of those four person cubicles, right? You each got a corner. You can kind of see each other over the top of it. Three people, whenever they sneeze, the other two are always telling each other, bless you. Here's the question, Josh. Are you saying bless you when they sneeze? 100%. Because if you're not, then don't expect it in return. He says my coworkers say bless you to each other. But have you been keeping your mouth shut? You want to be in the group?

Bless them. No. Okay, let me ask you this then. You're friends with the chronic sneezer. Once the alarm goes off, you know it's going for another six to eight sneezes. Do you bless every single sneeze? No way. Don't be a fool and pre-bless.

No, no, never. I'm not talking about pre-bless. This is post. But sometimes it's accidental. You think they're done. You give them the blessing. And then it's just so many more. But you've got to keep doing it.

Because you've got to keep the bubonic plague away with your magic. You're going right, you do. It's a catch-all. If any sneeze has happened within the previous six to eight minutes, that bless you covers all. Per person. Absolutely, Mike. It does not cover a room of people. I don't have an AOE bless you for everyone in the room.

The bless you works in reverse, but it doesn't work going forward. If you say bless you for a previous sneeze and they sneeze again, there is required another bless you. That just means you jumped the gun on your first bless you. Exactly right. So you pause and you wait. Now, first of all, Josh, you've got to start blessing other people when they sneeze if you want to be blessed.

Don't do it, Josh. At what point are they just asking? Oh, go ahead. But the second thing is I think you need to take your sneezes up a notch. Oh. Okay, because maybe you're given the... That little mouse sneeze. Yeah, the little...

You know, where you're trying to keep your eyeballs from popping out. You know, and that's how you sneeze, and people don't know. And then maybe now you've started going... Right. You need to pull a Tiffany more. Who's that? That's my wife. Thanks, Andy.

Tiffany's... I was asking as if I was the audience. Yeah. My wife sneezes in a way that... I hate. Is it like a big bad wolf sneeze? Target lady sneeze? Yeah.

It's more of a... Would the sneeze knock over a house of sticks or bricks? Sticks or bricks? It would not get bricks. It would absolutely get the sticks. I mean, just prepare yourself here, audience, because it is honestly... Wait, no, hold on. Is that a verbatim?

That is 100%. Wait, there's nothing like... There was no completion to the sneeze. It's not just volume. It's actually unattractive? It is a monstrous scream. The sneeze comes out almost as a loud shout spell. That was a shout spell.

That was from Skyrim. That was all ad. Yes, that was exactly what it is. It's a straight dragon shout. From Skyrim. There was no chew. There was all ass. Yes, that was exactly what it is. It's a straight dragon shout. From Skyrim. There was no chew. There was all ah. Well, the sneeze, the ch part.

Instead of being a ch, it's a ch. So it's like, ah! Like she's speaking German? Yeah. And she doesn't do this around other people. But when people are gone, that's her sneezing. Pretty sneezes for others? Oh, you're darn right.

She mouth sneezes? Ah-choo. She cares what? Ah-choo. She does a pee- right. She mouth sneezes. Achoo. She cares what. Achoo. She does. Hee hee. Hoo hoo. Yeah, but they'll bless you.

What is that? Achoo. They'll bless you if you sneeze like that. Because they don't want that plague. Or just stop blessing for all sneezing. There's that. Or. Just let people sneeze.

Stop sneezing. Also, sneeze into your elbow or your shirt. Stop with the hand sneezing. No one in my house. Stop sneezing. Also, sneeze into your elbow or your shirt. Stop with the hand sneezing. No one in my house. I think we solved that problem. Yeah, we nailed it. No one in my house likes the same type of milk.

Some like skim milk. Some like vitamin D. Some like almond. It is still really annoying to buy a bunch of versions of milk. What should I do? Hold on. There's a monster in your house that likes skim milk. Oh, man.

Are you talking about Whitewater? Nobody likes skim milk. That's called Whitewater. I love skim milk. No, you don't. I 100%. No, you don't. Okay. Skim milk is my favorite.

What is there to love? No, you don't. Okay. Skim milk is my favorite. What is there to love? We have been colleagues, working professionals, friends, best friends for years. You have never once brought up that you like skim milk. So that's not just something like I don't get attached to. That's a deep, dark secret.

I wouldn't bring it up if I liked skim milk either. Yeah, well, if you could read my bad thoughts, you would have known it. This milk is gross. It's not skim. How dare you? I grew up on 2% milk. Oh, delicious. Yeah, sounds amazing.

Oh, it's perfect. Living the life. It was happy medium. It's not too thick. Medium? That's like the normal milk. 1% is the medium. Yeah.

Whole milk is the monster, okay? No, no, no, no. It's good. Hold on. Wait a minute. It is good. You would prefer whole milk over skim milk? Whole heartedly.

What? Yes. What do you put in your coffee? Do you put in cream or do you put in water? I put in creamer because I'm not an idiot. Do you know what creamer is? It's a higher concentration than whole milk. That's fine, but it's sugar.

My creamer is cinnamon bun flavor. What about half and half? My creamer is straight up donut. Half and half is wonderful. I used to drink a little half and half. Because it's half cream. No, half and half is okay for coffee, but you can't drink it. It's whole fat.

You know that's whole for whole fat. You know that's for whole fat. It's disgusting. Whole disgusting. So why do you like skim milk versus just like bathwater? Here's what I can say to you. Bathwater is delicious. Here's what I can say to you. There's some Cheerios in here.

You can go down. You cannot go up. So when I was a 2% milk drinker skim milk was gross it was it was it was watermelon yes okay but if i tried to go to the hole it was too thick it's not it's left out it's warm it's gross when you go to skim was it was it left out and warm no straight out of the fridge that's just it come warm? It's too thick. In the Moore household, we do not refrigerate our whole milk. Wait, you refrigerate your milk?

Wait, are you about to say it's too thick to become cool? That's exactly what I was going to say. It's too thick to become chilled to the proper temperature that milk needs to be chilled to. No wonder you're warm all the time. No, look, once you get used to skim milk, which did take me a minute, all the time. No, look, once you get used to skim milk, which did take me a minute, once you get used to that, the idea of drinking your snot hole milk is unfathomable. Do you buy skim milk today?

Either 1% or skim, yeah. And 1% and skim are so close to each other. Oh, they are not. Mike is acting like- No, they are not. Don't you dare. No. Hey, skim-

1%? I'll do that for my health. This is- I will. Literally. No. Do you buy 2%? Yes. Because of Hey, 1%? I'll do that for my health. This is... I will. Literally. No. Do you buy 2%? Yes. Because of how good it is? This is our last show. I had to work my family. This is our last show. I was forced to

be a 1%-er for a little bit. The 1%. The bands. And then it was, oh, look, I'm so sorry. The store's out. We had to buy 2%. Oh, you got them hooked. And now the right household's firmly entrenched in Team 2%. I can still drink a 2%, but the fact that you guys can drink solid, nasty, full-fat milk.

The fact you can do water with cereal is disgusting. I am easily the fat man around here. Wait, wait, wait. I eat all the bad foods. Do you actually like cereal with water? Like, would you put some honeycomb in a bowl of water? I've seen people do that before, and they were. You've seen yourself do it before, good sir.

No, never, because they were family members, and I say were, because as soon as that move happened, water and cereal ostracized. They are no longer part of the family. That is egregious. If you're. Okay. Yeah. So what should this person do?

Well, first of all, can we all at least agree to kick out the almond milk? No. Almond milk. That's the only one I'll allow. Because someone might have it. My daughter's got a dairy problem. So we have to. And we.

Does she do almond? No, she does cashew now. How is that? Bless you, Mike. Jason, please step away. How is the cashew milk? It's better than almond. It could not be better.

It could not be worse. And you know what is better than? Skim milk. Oh, my gosh. One million. I can't even calculate the percentage that it is better than skim. Thank you for telling me that cashew milk exists. Because I use almond milk in every single smoothie I make.

You got to step up your game. But now cashew. I can't believe that both of you agree with the worst take I've ever heard. I'm floored right now. Yeah. We're talking about people who need it, man. Are you like over here? Jason's a celiac.

He's just saying it doesn't exist dairy dairy allergies don't exist do you want to grab the next question jason sure all right this one's from twitter it says help are you supposed to shower in the morning or shower at night great question i'm brought up showering in the morning to feel clean for the day, but my fiance insists on showering before bed. So she's clean getting into bed. Thoughts? This is a really good question because ultimately

I'd love to have both. I'd love to have the fresh feeling going to bed. I like the fresh feeling in the morning. I could live in the shower. Well, the good news is if you bring cereal in, you've got your meal. Warm water.

If I could shower with 1% milk. Wait, from the faucet? Yeah, from the shower bed. 1% skim milk coming. They let you buy that in your city now. You can subscribe to the water or the skim milk. It's from the shower. 1% skim milk coming. You know, they let you buy that in your city now. You can subscribe to the water or the skim milk. It's no difference in content.

It's just a different word. Yeah, no, I agree with you. Showering at night, showering in the morning, they're both great. You got to pick one, though. You got to take a side. It's the morning, and it's very simple why for me. One, if I don't shower in the morning, I'm just sweatier that day. It's something about biology. What? I'm a little in the morning, I'm just sweatier that day. It's something about biology.

What? I'm a little stickier. I'm a little sweatier all day long. As in you're sweatier because you haven't showered the original off or you sweat more when you didn't shower in the morning? Because I didn't shower in the morning, my body's just, maybe it's the extra hours of sleep or whatever, but I'm just a little bit stickier, a little bit.

But did you do a full reset here where you're showering at night? Yes. But I'm saying you got to have clean sheets going into this arrangement. Well, dude, the sheets are not part of this equation. They are because if you are- What, dirty sheets? If your sheets are already dirty, you shower, you get in the dirty sheets, then you're dirty. We're going to assume clean sheets.

Okay. We're not monsters. But the big thing is the hair. I i want the hair reset yes big time because i shower in the morning and i got a clean reset to do my hair every time i shower night because i love both yeah you could live in the shower i could i could genuinely live in the shower if it wasn't for the wrinkles have you tried have you tried a waterfall too cold just living in the oh too cold too cold um but if you shower at night then i feel like i still have to shower in the morning for the hair or at least do the shower on stick the hair head in things and i hate that if i have to pick one i'm picking the

morning it it is you know some people that get up they have their coffee andy you've got a whole coffee routine right you get the laptop uh yeah you, Mike. Every morning I do the same thing. I literally told my wife the other day. It's like one of my favorite things. It's that morning routine. That is 100% how I am, except my morning routine is a 45-minute shower. 45 minutes? Do you at least clean the shower while you're in there?

No. What? The shower is self-cleaning. It's water everywhere. How do you spend 45 minutes in a shower? It starts going potty with the shower running, steaming up the room. In the potty? In the shower?

No, not in the shower. Why did the potty part come into this equation at all then? He's warming the shower. Yeah, come in, shut the door, steam the room up with the shower running. It literally sounds like you start every good shower with a nice pee. No, no. This is a morning routine. That's how you would have to finish with the 45 minutes.

And then, yeah, just front to back. But, yeah, I love showers. I'll pick the morning here. If I hit over five minutes in the shower, something has gone terribly wrong. You are the fastest showerer that I've ever known, because we've stayed in the same hotel room before, and you're like, I'm going to go take a shower. I'm like, all right, I got some time here to open the laptop. Done.

And then Mike's just like, yeah, yeah, I've been out a while. Yeah. It's all business, man. Wow. Really? Yeah. You've never enjoyed some moments of contemplation in the shower? Certainly.

I've certainly enjoyed a longer shower, but it's very infrequent. If I'm going to take some time to reflect in warm water, I'm taking a bath. My scientific study has inferred that it is genetic because I have found that my son has the exact same thing where he'll be in the shower for 15 minutes, and I'll be like, all right, it's time to get out, and he'll peek his head around. His hair's not even wet. He literally is just standing with the water running over him, just standing there like a zombie, and I do the same thing. Genetic fact.

Well, I've got a little fact for you right now. I guess someone in our studio is listening in and has assembled a $1 million Amazon cart. Oh, Jeremy. Massage chair must be involved. It's got to have... How many massage chairs? It seems like a heavy commitment to gold watches.

Oh, they sure do sell a lot of gold watches. And I would say by a heavy commitment to gold watches. Oh, they sure do sell a lot of gold watches. And I would say by a heavy commitment, I mean $1 million worth of gold watches. Nice. What would you do? He only had to buy multiple quantities of a few of them to get to a million. Why would you need that many watches? Well, he's not really buying it. But we said we can't trade it in for money.

But the fact that these are on Amazon Amazon that's like when you go to Costco and you go in the back and there's the $100,000 bottle of wine and there's a scotch in there that costs $200,000. Do they have that? Oh yeah. Every single Costco has that. It blows my mind every single time I see this. Who's at Costco buying this?

Is that the just in case department? That's who's in charge of that department? That's the stuff that Costco had to buy every December when they're getting the taxes right. And they're like, we've got to up our expenses. Let's just buy that million-dollar bottle of scotch. We're getting a full case of this $200,000 a bottle of scotch. Yeah. But for the question, I'm both.

I actually fluctuate. I like the shower. Have you ever doubled down? Oh, I'm- Yeah, of course., I'm both. I actually fluctuate. I like the shower. You ever double down? Yeah, of course. I've done both. But I actually do prefer the nighttime shower because I like the morning routine, and then I don't have to waste the three minutes that it takes me to shower in the morning. What do you do with the hair?

Your true story about my hair. Do you go hat? It's hat day. If you see me with a hat, I didn't shower that morning. Do you know what I did to my hair this morning? Because I showered last night. Okay.

Literally nothing. Ah. This is like my hair. Run your hands through. My hair is so. You woke up the right way. It's so thick and textured. It's such a terrible thing that I've been born with.

It's so beautiful. That I do, frequently do, literally nothing. Wow. That's just my hair. You don't have cowlicks and stuff when you wake up? This is it, man.

You are kind of a human cowlick. Yes. Wow. Very salty. Ashes. The Spitballers Draft. Well, we got things to figure out with these drafts. First of all, are we going to a snake format?

Yeah, look, the people have requested it. And people don't even know what it is. People want the serpentine drafts, and we're going to finally give it to them. I don't know if it's going to work better or not, so this might be a one-time only thing. It'll probably be more even at the end. But a snake draft is instead of every single round being, you know, if I drafted first.

1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3. Exactly. Jason, Andy, Mike. Then Jason, Andy, Mike. Then Jason, Andy, Mike. At the end, you basically got three better picks if you started up front. Yeah, there's an advantage. So what we're doing is it would go Jason, Andy, Mike.

And then the next round would go Mike, Andy, Jason. And so on and so forth until the completion. So we're going to try that out today. Who? Mike, I believe, has the first pick. Oh, I do? Yes. And so we are going to mock draft.

Yeah, I'd rather have the third pick in this one. Really? Vacation Destinations. I've got two. I don't have three. So I'm curious. So Vacation Destinations is the mock draft. We're each going to draft, what, four?

Yeah, we'll see how we're doing. All right, Mike, you are the first man. Oh, man. That has a pick. I'm trapped between. By the way, I super survived our survival draft. Oh, yes, you did. It was a one-horse race.

It was a two-horse race. Did Jason end up beating Mike? Yes, as to. It was a one-horse race. It was a two-horse race. Did Jason end up beating Mike? Yes, as to who would fail. So Jason with a spear? Yes. Oh, yeah. Jason's draft pick, even though everyone who we know that if we were trapped and we needed to survive, we would call this person,

they all agreed that Jason had the worst draft. Here's the thing. I know it's a bit of a spoiler for the previous episode, but first, you should have listened to them all. Yeah. Second of all, sometimes you just got to talk to the re about the, you know,

how funny a previous draft was. And that one with the spear and Jason's boars being the number one concern on this Island. Boars are always the number one concern on a deserted Island. If you could fly two feet off the ground, you think that bore't reach two feet? It's going to leave you alone at least. Yeah, it probably would.

What is this floating god? You're worshipped by boars. You're worshipped by boars. I actually made a mistake with the spear. Someone pointed out to me that. Did you not mean a spear? We know you made a mistake with a spear. No, that was the best pick in the draft,

but it could have been even better if I did a rifle with a bayonet because then I got a spear and I can also shoot some stuff. But your rifle would be like 13 feet long. You're darn right. Imagine a spear, but it's just rifle length. Yeah, exactly. I'm the Joker from Batman with the pistol. Oh, the revolver.

All right, vacation destinations. First pick in the draft, I'm the Joker from Batman. That's right. The revolver. All right. Vacation destinations. First pick in the draft. I'm going to take, I think they call it the city of love. I don't know. Maybe that's just what stupid Americans call it. I'm going with Paris, France. Ah.

Okay. It's a beautiful place. I mean, full of history, full of. Have you been there? I have been there. Okay. I have, in fact, spat off the Eiffel Tower. Check that off the bucket list.

Very cool thing I did. Is that a thing that people want to do? Look, when I was young, because my dad was a pastor, not because, but he was a pastor. That's why you spat off the top? No, I was fortunate enough to travel to many locations. And one of the things I did, because I was like a tween, is whenever we would go up somewhere real, real high, I would spit off of it.

His bucket list was... Was this like a little spit or like a loogie? Spit off the Eiffel Tower. It was a good one. Spit off the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Spit off the Seattle... The Space Needle? Who's climbing the Leaning Tower?

Is that not a thing you do? People don't go up that thing. You don't go under the roof of the Leaning Tower? Is that not a thing you do? People don't go up that thing. You don't go under the roof of the Leaning Tower of Peace? Jason's like, where do you get up this thing? All right. I am taking, and this is a shame. I'm going back and forth between two. My top two picks are still on the board.

I don't. But I'm going to take a place I've never been. And I'm going to take it away from Mike because he goes every week. Hawaii. Yeah. I was torn between going overseas or staying home. Yeah. So I'm going to take Hawaii. And I'm going to go have a fun time.

That's probably not how they say that. He's going to the hooky. I've never been to Hawaii. That's probably not how they say that. He's going to the hooky lounge. I've never been to Hawaii. I don't know how they say it. Just like that, Jason. All right. I'm ready to go. You got it.

I think those are two amazing picks, and so I'm feeling a little bit. But I got two picks. This is how the snake format works. You're going to pick back-to-back here. Let's see. I'm going to go with Rome. That's a great one. I'm going to go with Rome. That's a great one. I'm going to go to Rome. I'm going to go to Italy.

Italy. How specific does it need to be? I think the country has to be small enough if you're taking a country. Yeah, you can't take it. You've got to take a city. You can't take Italy. That's a whole boot. That's a whole boot and caboodle? Yeah.

So you're going Rome. Let's be realistic. Where else are you going to go in Italy? Well, Italy's got the like... Venice? Yeah, they got the... Where's the Leaning Tower of Pisa? Is that Pisa?

Ah, that would make sense. That would make a lot of sense. Where is the Leaning Tower of Pisa? That's probably wrong, Mike. That's probably wrong. It is in Pisa. No, it's correct. He's dead on.

It makes a lot of sense. Usually, what is something of? Yeah. Like we said in the beginning, you smile because of our intellect. Yeah. I'm going to take a look at. All right. So you've got Rome. I've got Rome. And then I've got a lot of different choices here, but I'm going to take... Look at... All right. So you've got Rome.

I've got Rome. I've got Hawaii. Mike's got Paris. And then I've got a lot of different choices here, but I'm going to go with New York City. That's a great choice. I think New York City, there's so much to do. The people, the places, you can get lost there. It's fun.

So I'll go with Rome, Italy, and New York City. I am going to take... We've gone all cities here. And I am... The moon moon how did you know um i'm gonna go with my favorite vacation spot in the world i mean if i can have a vacation next week i'm going to disneyland i love going to disneyland that's where our family vacations most often. I absolutely love it. And so I have Hawaii and Disneyland. Those would have been my first two picks.

Yeah, that's great. I'm pretty happy. Yeah, I didn't know the rules. I didn't know we could pick like a theme park. Well, guess what? Yeah, you hacked it, of course. I don't feel like that was hacking. The problem was you could have taken like Anaheim.

What, Anaheim? Where else in Anaheim are you going, Mike? Yeah, it's actually, that could work. Have you seen that convention center? That could work against you. All right, well, then now you're in my brain. Disneyland includes both Disneyland and California. It's the whole-

Mike, you have two picks. All right. I have to combat what Jason has just done and upgrade at least the word. So I'm going with Disney World. Oh, come on. This is why I knew it would degrade this draft. Disney World. See, that's what I'm saying.

Should I take Orlando or should I take Disney World? See, there's actually things to do in Orlando. There's other theme parks there even. Where is SeaWorld? SeaWorld, I do not remember. Where is Six Flags Magic Mountain? Six Flags Magic Mountain I think is in LA. You can pick LA. A lot of vacation

spots there. Alright, well whatever. I'm taking Disney World. And then I am... This one's real tough. I'm going to go with... I'm also combating your hawaii i'm gonna take cancun i'm gonna take my own beach destination you've been there no i've never been to cancun well i'll tell you what if i had the first three picks i genuinely would have taken

hawaii disneyland and san diago and when you said where is sea world i started to get a little scared because i was like san diego yes it is in san diego oh yeah that lego land in san diego lego land sea world you got the beaches they're the same temperature year round family freezing oceans you You know what? It is freezing, but you can totally go in it. Oh, yeah. No, but it doesn't. You're not cold.

Once you get out in the water, it's like freezing at first. I mean, I just went like six months ago. It's really cold. And then I don't know if it's because of the salt or what, but you're not cold anymore. It's from numbness. Yeah. Sure. Maybe it is.

I don't feel anything. All right. So you took numbness. Yeah. Sure. Maybe it is. I don't feel anything. All right. So you took San Diego. Foolish decision. What? I will take. Jason's going all over the place. You got to think bigger, man.

You got to think bigger. I'm going. I've got two picks to round out my draft now. I'm going to go with the Caribbean. Oh, there's a lot of pirates there, though. Yeah. I hear it's a dangerous pirate place. Caribbean.

I'm the captain now. I'm literally writing down pirates. Good. Instead of the Caribbean. That's going there, though. Yeah, I hear it's a dangerous pirate place. Caribbean. I'm the captain now. I'm literally writing down pirates instead of the Caribbean. Good, good. That's going to go well. And then I'm deciding between a few destinations, and I think I'm going to go with Australia. Oh. Sydney.

Now, here's why this is very upsetting, because I was literally like, I'm going to take Cancun, because there ain't no way that Andy is going to go with Sydney, Australia. Yeah. And then you did. And then I took care of that. So I think I won the draft with those two picks, obviously. But you guys can fight for second and third again.

Wow, man. Unless you write pirates down as my vacation destination, in which case. I did. So I win? Your geography is troublesome troublesome aren't you going to the pirate area where where is the caribbean it's down off of the coast of like uh down florida area okay so like can i take bahama or is bahamas in the caribbean no you don't you can't take it no it's in the caribbean okay well that was was why. Yeah. No, no, no. That was the question.

And I like how we were telling Andy, you can't take a whole country. And then he tried to upgrade to a continent. I take. The Caribbean is not a continent. Oh, I see. Yes. Solid point. I'll do both.

I take Africa. Wait. Yes. Africa is a continent. Got it. All right.. I take Africa. Wait. Yes, Africa is the continent, Jason. All right. The city of Africa in the continent of Texas. I'll take Africa, Texas. Yeah.

All right. So, man, I got my last pick here. My first three should have already sealed the deal for me as the victor. Now, I am very Southwest United southwest united states yeah you are with disneyland and san diego hawaii is a little much further southwest but i feel like i gotta get a little much further really broadening your horizons but i gotta get i gotta get an international i gotta get an international flavor here and there is a place I've never been that I would really

like to go well there's probably like 20 of those places overseas I've never really traveled in Europe where I would love to go but if I had to pick one place I'm going to London I'm going to the classic

I'm gonna see I'm gonna go meet the queen for sure. That's happening first day. Yeah, they let anybody do that these days. I don't think they do, Andy. I don't think just anyone can see the queen, but I am confident I will qualify. I do that.

Have you listened to the Spitballers podcast? Well, yes, I have. Thank you, queen. That was a yes, I have. Thank you, Queen. That was a great Queen impersonation. Thank you. I don't think it was, Jason. I don't think it was. Bohemian Rhapsody there.

All right. So I have Rome, Italy, New York City, the Caribbean, which includes a bounty of islands, and then Sydney, Australia. Jason has Hawaii, Disneyland, San Diego, and London. Mike has Paris, France, Disney World, Cancun, Mexico, and the Swiss Alps. Oh, solid. The Swiss Alps. Every single time I'm on my Facebook because there's these weird travel things I've followed.

Their videos just pop up. And you go, this place is not real oh so you you're being targeted by uh the swiss alps people they're recruiting me because every single time i see it i look outside and i go why do i why do i live here why does anyone live here when you can live in the swiss so i am right now googling the swiss alps and you know we've established my geography not that great. Did you know where they were? No, certainly not.

I mean, because to me, the Swiss Alps are a synonym for the Colorado Rockies, I wouldn't be able to tell you where. Switzerland would be my guess. You know what was great? Am I right? Yes. Okay. You know what was great is when you said Swiss Alps, my instant reaction was if Jason was in your shoes

and wanted to pick mountain range, he would have picked the Colorado Rockies. That's how Grandpappy did it. That's how America does it. Yeah, but I just thought... I'll take Sonoran Desert, please. I'll take Mordor, please. Mordor.

I just thought it was nothing but snow mountains. Oh, no. But I'm looking at these pictures. It is beautiful. It's basically a painting. Yes. Wow. It's a place that James Bond goes there for the final scene of a movie.

In every picture, every single picture, there's two things. Beautiful houses. Luscious, unbelievable greenery. Yeah. And snow. Yep. The same picture, every picture, snow everywhere except it's

warm, lush grass. How is that possible? The mountain ranges... And they just hand you cheese and chocolate out there, right? I just feel like there's nothing to do there. If you walk through the mountains... You don't need to do anything. You just exist. You be. You're there. It's like you in the shower.

Yeah. What are you doing? What would I do there? I stand for an hour in one place. But imagine if I could do that in the Swiss Alps. Hey, honey. You got a shower here? Honey, can you get me a cold glass of skim milk? I'm going for

a shower. You would put skim milk in your hot chocolate, wouldn't you? It's disgusting. Oh, no. No, hot chocolate. If I'm making other things, then, see, whole milk is an ingredient. You don't drink whole milk. That's

disgusting. Not if you have a nice steak knife. If I'm baking or if I'm making cocoa or something, sure, I can use whole milk and then hide the fact of how fatty it is because it's definitely delicious. Sure, I can use whole milk and then hide the fact of how fatty it is because it's definitely delicious. All right. You can vote on Twitter at SpitballersPod for these fine destinations

and where you'd like to travel. So many things. And then I guess the real question, because there's always so much to choose from. What did you learn today? Today I learned, given the opportunity to go anywhere in the entire world, Jason's going to California. Yeah, it's going to be a great trip. I learned that Bless You was responsible for the removal of the bubonic plague.

That's a fair point. I learned that Jason believes that the Swiss Alps and the Colorado Rockies are the exact same thing. You ever been over to Switzerland up north here? Yeah, Flagstaff? Thanks for listening. Hey, tell your friends, tell your family, share it. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.