Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 208: Fish Farts & Birthday Party Excuses - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

We have some great real life news headlines to discuss on today’s episode. But not until after we discuss rained out vacations, becoming a dolphin, and throwing away restaurant food. Lastly, grab a pen and paper because we are drafting excuses to get you out of that next kid’s birthday party you are invited to. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh no, can't go, oh no, no, no, my dinghy. Better in my head. Oh, man. Welcome in to the spitballers. You know how I feel.

I love the topical scat. When you're referencing the draft, it's fantastic. So the oh no can't go. Right. I mean, we were fire. We were hot out the gate. That's it. And then you couldn't find something to rhyme with no.

I know. What did I go about? Four or five no's in a row? That's okay. I mean, that's just the start of the show. You have to leave them mean, that's just the start of the show. You have to leave them wanting. The start of the what? The show. Oh, that rhymes.

There you go. Oh, no, can't go. The start of the show. No, no, no, no, no, no. But the triumphant return of Badingi. It's always there if you need it. Would you rather? Got that thing on quick draw is this real life

and uh speaking of the topical scat we are drafting made-up excuses to get you out of a kid's birthday party it is very famous around here uh as parents who have children and children that have friends and cousins and family members that Jason, Jason has been condemned to weekend after weekend after weekend of kids' birthday parties, and you'd prefer not to. We are here to help the people. Today's, you know, usually the draft is just for fun. Today is not a fun draft. Today is a draft that is going to help your lives

because you've probably used half of these excuses. You're running out, and you're like, how can we get out of the next one well we're going to tell you 12 great ways i will be curious if we inform you because you would be the one that needs it the most yeah and probably has gone through the rolodex of excuses and maybe needs to stock up i'm on number 89 so i hope there are some new ones and it's ones. And you've been to a lot of parties, too. I mean, you've had the days where you just couldn't weasel out. I mean, the truth is I go to so many parties. I mean, I need these so that I can eventually miss them.

Yeah. All right, let's kick things off. Would you rather would you rather win a trip to disneyland but it's pouring rain every day there or you win a trip to hawaii but it's pouring rain every day But it's pouring rain every day there. Okay. Well, I have done one of these. You have? I have done one of these.

I imagine you've done the Rainy Day Disney. Yes, because I've never been to Hawaii. So that's a pretty easy guess. I'm a genius. For you. I have been to a rainy Disneyland in two different situations. Like poor rain or just it's a little sprinkle one was poor rain so ponchos out yes ponchos out baby strollers under awnings okay the other was just a miserable rainy day it wasn't pouring but it was very very uh dark cold wet never really letting up but it

wasn't pouring okay one of those two trips was unbelievably great and the other was the other was what we call a nightmare sure i'm gonna guess can i guess yeah yeah oh yeah the pouring rain was better the pouring rain was the bad one really and not the cold dreary one uh not the cold dreary one because the pouring came out of nowhere so the park was packed the park was busy it was a normal day and then we just got just dumped on but how long after the rain started like did it clear out it wasn't a long time the park yes the the park stayed busy but the rain okay the rains you know it went away after a while and then it was like just a it was a slice in the middle of the day that just sucked but the day that we went where it was just a it was just a bad weather day. Like we knew, oh man, this is terrible.

We're going to go to Disneyland. No, it is not. It's unbelievable. Nobody shows up. Yep. There's no locals there. They're not coming out on a rainy day. You walk right on every single ride.

And it was nice and cool outside. It was one of my favorite Disneyland trips ever. I will definitely choose the pouring in Disneyland option. I feel like there are things in Disneyland that have nothing to do with the weather, right? A lot of rides that are indoors inside. I feel like I can make the best of it. And it is far less expensive for me to drive to California.

Sure. And have a day ruined by rain than it is to plan a year in advance a trip to Hawaii, spend money on airfare, spend money on... Well, no, you won. You won the trip. Okay, very... Oh, man. Which would you rather win? Yeah, I still think I'd rather...

I feel like more is invested in the trip even. Sure. Going to Hawaii. And there's no feature of rain in Hawaii where I'm like, I'm really glad it rained today because it showed me this part of nature. No, like all of what makes Hawaii great to me would be best seen in the sunlight. Yeah. Yeah, the Hawaii, everything is outside.

Everything is outside in Hawaii. So if it's raining, it's like I'm sure there's going to be some, I'm sure you can have some fun like a day or two maybe. Can you go snorkeling in the rain? Is that a good time? I was going to say you can go in the two. Can you go snorkeling in the rain? Is that a good time? I was going to say you can go in the ocean. Get water droplets into the top of your snorkel. Lightning everywhere.

It's much better than the seawater getting in there. Fair. I mean, if there's no lightning, that's fine. That would be an experience. But Disneyland on a rainy day, Jason is right. I love Disneyland. I've gone. Jason is right. I love Disneyland. I've gone many, many times. It is the best because no one's there.

And most of Disneyland is inside. Well, at least the action is. You've got to do a lot of walking outside. It's fine. You throw the poncho on. It's not a big deal. It's more tough when you have to deal with the strollers and things. But no one being there. The park is is to yourself you're not overheating as the it's like hawaii when it's hot okay i'm going to the beach disneyland when it's hot is not the happiest place

on earth no you're waiting lines while you're sweaty i did go to disneyland once during the apocalypse i had an apocalypse trip that happened oh yeah i did with the world recovered there were all these like california fires oh yes and i just happened to be there when like all of their like the smoke blotted the out so you you were there when the the sky was red the sky was red and it blotted out the sun and it was like really eerie and weird and probably bad for my lungs but the rain sounds all right yeah it's great the rain was such that i would be at a place i'd come around a corner after a ride and i could look to the left and look to the right and i'd see like one other family and this is disneyland fabulous it was awesome. So when the- You should plan trips around like the highest probability of monsoon rains or something.

When the sky was red, did they have like the characters out and everything? Yeah, it was just super eerie. I felt like I was on a different planet. Were the characters all like emo versions? They all had ash dripping off of them. No, it was creepy. All right. Would you rather begin every sentence with according to my calculations or end every sentence with period

oh man that both both are terrible let's do it let's do a little role playing here all right you're going to mike you just showed up at the Starbucks. Hi. How may I take your order? Well, according to my calculations, I would like a vent a mocha chocolate. Okay. All right. Sure, sir.

Weirdo. Jason, you just showed up at the local coffee shop. I would like a skinny vanilla latte, period. We answered that one for sure at least in the coffee realm that seems to be now what if uh let's go to the like relational thing um you're talking to your wife hey honey do you love me yeah. So according to my calculations I think either situation you can get your work. This one's fine because I'd say of course I love you. Period. Right. Right. But if you're giving someone someone bad news. Oh man. I do. I'm so sorry. You've got three days left. Period. Or according to my calculations, you've got three days left.

But at least that way, like, OK, that makes sense. The doctor's given me that this calculation. So oncologists have to go with the according to my calculations. That seems fine. But throwing a doctor throwing onto every sentence. Any bad news whatsoever. You know, I'm sorry, Mike. I'm going to have to let you go. Period. That's just like, get out.

Just stop talking. Like, no follow-up questions. When you verbalize the word period, it means we're done here. Your grandmother has died. Yeah. Period. Oh, man. So brutal. According to my calculations, your grandmother has died. Yeah. Period. Oh, man. So brutal.

According to my calculations, your grandmother has died. Yeah. You seem a little jerky if you go with that one. I'm thinking of a judge in a courtroom as well, like handing out a sentence. According to my calculations, you get 45 to life. Now, this period. That being said, we're saying statements, right? Now, this says, would you rather begin every sentence with according to my calculations or end every sentence with period?

It's a lot of extra words. It's a lot of extra words. According to my calculations. If you are speaking a paragraph, if you're describing more than one thing, then putting period in there is fine. You're just verbalizing the end of sentences at that point. Like you're sending a telegram exactly like i well i do that like in in my car uh when i send a text message i have to do that period i have to say whatever the end of the sentence is period so if i were to do that and you know in normal conversation i think that maybe it doesn't always

have to be so negative period okay and now i'm thinking of like one word sentences according to my calculations huh period huh period can you even question anything according to my calculations what can you ask any questions with period at the end oh that's what period wait a minute can we go to the store period i mean can you tell me can you give me directions to the uh library period you sound like a psycho yeah i think in either way either way yes according to my calculations can you give me directions to the library uh i'm gonna go period for lack of words i'm going according to my calculations tason lack of words. I'm going according to my calculations. According to my calculations, I'm going according to my calculations.

Would you rather spend a week as a dolphin in a SeaWorld aquarium? Oh, no. Or as a tropical fish in its natural habitat? What? Wait, wait, wait, wait. So, okay, the benefit here is that you're a dolphin. Yeah. And you're not going to get eaten quickly.

Well, sure. Tropical fish is going down, man. Would you like to live in a cage or not? I mean, but being a dolphin, way cooler than being a clownfish. Dolphin in captivity or dolphin in the ocean? But like a clownfish swimming around a reef, you're going to be safe. Your lifespan as a clownfish has to be vastly i mean this is like do you want a few weeks a month or two under the ocean or do you want like a lot of

years in captivity yeah i mean you're you're living prison for 80 years mike or two weeks out in the open this is this is an anxiety depression question because that fish you're living in full panic attack at all moments and if you're the dolphin you're depressed i don't think that tropical fish live in any kind of anxiety if you're a human version of one you are okay you they don't know that's my point it's like if you're a tropical fish you're just enjoying the dolphins, even though the captivity would not be what they want, they do bond with their trainers. They do have great intelligence, so you get that.

So they know they're in prison. I feel like – I mean, they do though. They have friends. But to me, this question is would you rather spend a week? You have all your humanity still. Okay. Yeah, see, I'm with you on that.

Because otherwise, if you spend a week as a fish, I'm with you on that because otherwise is you if you spend a week as a fish i'm gonna say yeah that sounds great and then it will be like i just woke up and i won't remember being oh yeah you have to have all of your you're just in that body and see i wouldn't know the first thing about surviving in a reef you just chew on it man on the reef yep oh yeah oh actually that's a good point i wouldn't know what to eat. Like, if I transported into, I would be like, do I eat other fishes? It depends how big you are, because according to Odell Lake, you eat whatever you see. If it's smaller than you. Yes.

If it's bigger than you, you run. Yeah, it could be an osprey. Yeah, watch out for those. So really, knowing that it is us, and only for a week in these different bodies I think that they're here's what I would get out of each out of being a tropical fish I would get the I would basically be snorkeling for a week I'd be underwater looking at cool scenery and and really having a very different experience I can't have anywhere else but I still a human. I still know what's going on. And as a dolphin at SeaWorld, I can purposely splash people. I can purposely splash this crowd better than any dolphin has ever done before.

And I can hyper-target one person. You could. You know what I mean? I'm not going to spread this around and just randomly. You'll do the circles, but you'll always focus on one person. Always focus on one person. Whoever's rude to me, I mean, I could really stick it to them. Yeah.

And you would get probably a lot of free fish. You don't have to hunt. They just give it to you. I know exactly what to eat. You belong in captivity. Yeah, 100%. I think that. You would love it.

If I could choose to be a giraffe in the wild or a giraffe at the zoo, I want those humans feeding me. You're a zoo guy. Put it right on a tongue. Yeah. I will be the dolphin in captivity for sure. Yeah. The kids are like the Uber Eats of the zoo.

I mean, they just bring it. I guess I'm going to take the dolphin. I think having all the skills of a dolphin would be worth it. The super dope flips. Yeah, I'm not getting eaten by nothing. Do they still jump through rings of fire and stuff? I think they can. Yeah.

Well, I know that they can. The union is still working on it. Does PETA allow that anymore? I don't know. Back when dolphin shows were really good. They were hot. Hot, yeah, because of the fire rings. Would you rather give

up restaurants or movie theaters for the rest of your life oh man not close at all so you're not going to the movies yep i mean i i've been over this bring me the food i can't i mean if i just said movies or restaurants the rest of your life would would that even change it? Oh, that? Well, so it does make me think. Like, that makes me go, okay, movies. Like, at home, I can't watch a movie the rest of my life. Yeah, no, it doesn't change it. What?

No, it really doesn't. He'd watch shows and eat at restaurants. Exactly right. Yeah, I know this guy. You'd have to take away all shows and movies, like all visual mediums of entertainment, and say that or restaurants then i would get rid of restaurants going to a restaurant is the number one most common social uh enjoyment exercise that i have i pretty much agree i i you know had to when we were in the throngs of early

covid days it was like i wasn't gonna know movie days. It was like, I wasn't going to know movie theaters. And what did I miss more? I miss going to restaurants more. What about the movie theaters that they deliver the food to you? Oh, is that like the loophole? I do enjoy them. I'm checking in. So if I can get the movie theaters, but I can't get the restaurants.

Because that's the new hotness. Am I still allowed to go to those movies? Yes, you tell them where you're sitting and they bring you your food. Al, is that true? Did he say that? He did call it an exercise. Oh, he said going to a restaurant is an exercise? Yeah, that is my kind of exercise.

You don't have to get from the car to the... Exactly right. Usually when I'm there, I've got to visit the restroom. I take into my seat. And so I get my steps in on my watch. And Jason, he'll ask for the seats in the back of the restaurant so he gets all the way over there. Corner booth, please.

I'm looking for a workout. That's what I say when I check in. And you'll put your own food into the doggy bag, too. You don't even have them do it. Is that why you can get the four-hour work? Absolutely not. No, that's too far. If they're willing to bag this up.

He doesn't have a food handler's card. He doesn't want to break the rules of the restaurant. Sir, take this and put that in a box for me. Also, will you carry it to the front door? I'm just here for steps. Do you guys mail it? Are you willing to mail it? By the way,

what is the percentage time that when you do have food boxed up you either A, leave it at the restaurant, B b leave it in the car overnight or c it's expired by the time it gets home because you had to go somewhere else see i have so much leftover food that's uneaten because the problem is the next night when you should eat it i'm at a restaurant i mean it really, really hard to eat my leftovers when I'm always going out to the restaurant. You don't bring them with to the restaurant.

No. You know what I have done before? You're just like, I'm actually, I was just here. I was here last night. I'm just going to. Just give me a top off on the drink, please. You might be eating this up. Yeah, exactly.

Not in the microwave. I'd like you to put this in the pan you gotta ask them to just put it in their fridge because you'll be back the next night i will say one shameful thing that i have done um and this and this is a pro tip for everyone out there that's you know you deal with the guilt of the leftovers is sometimes like there's food and i don't want it i don't like there's a reason there's so much left over i'm not not a big fan of the food, but I'm not a send it back type of person. But then you box it up. But I feel guilty leaving, so I do box it up.

You box the bad food up. I box the bad food up because I don't want them to feel bad. And then I exit the premises and I throw it in the garbage can out front. That is a true story. I did that once to save face doesn't it feel much better i i i had who are you i told the no here's what happened i i went full on like lie upon lie we sit down we order food at a restaurant the food for my wife and i this is early in our marriage it's the worst food everything there's not a good saving quality to any of it.

Is this universal or is this just you? No, both. Okay. We both despise it from the moment it sits on the table. We made up an excuse like we had a family emergency. We're going to take it with us, box it up real quick for us so we can get out. Walked right out the front door and double dumped that thing into the trash can and went to a new restaurant and they were none the wiser.

Pro move. So then the – Pro move. Just threw $40 right in the garbage. Pay for food you don't eat. The ethical question here is, is it more wasteful to waste – you're wasting the food either way. It's going – yes.

It'll be thrown away no matter what. And I was not willing to give that food to a homeless person. That was bad food. Right. That was really like, you don't want this. I know you're starving. This is the muffin bottoms from Seinfeld. You don't want this.

The homeless don't even want the bottoms of the muffins. I respect you too much, sir. No. That's right. Will you throw this away for me? You're on the garbage cans behind you. No. What is happening?

I don't know. You're a monster! That visual just gives me the giggles. Also, that would be a horrifically monstrous thing to do in real life. Sir, I can't reach the dumpster. Okay.

What I was going to say is it worse to upset the feelings of the cook and the waiter or worse to waste the... The food? The physical box. You know, the waiter or worse to waste the. The food. The physical box. You know, the food is being wasted either way. But, you know, you get this, you know. Yeah. I mean, like if we're just speaking environmentally, then adding the box into the equation is the more wasteful thing to do. Yes.

And it's usually styrofoam. What he's saying now is he will open the box, dump it, and then recycle the box afterwards. That's right. But why? Here's a social question for us. Why is it so hard when you go to a restaurant and you're paying a lot for the meal, why does it feel like you can't say anything of like,

this isn't good, I don't like this. Instead, we'd go through all of these charades of pretending you like it trying to separate the food out as much as possible so it looks like you ate i've done that many times throwing it away out front like what why as a society can we not just say you know what what? This isn't very good. Could I have something else? I think it comes from a good place. I don't think it's all about us being embarrassed. I think some of it is that. But I actually think a lot of the times it comes from you don't want to make the server

or the cook or somebody else go to extra effort for you because that part is also, it's not just driven by embarrassment. It's almost like you don't want to be a problem for them. You don't want to shame them. You don't want to shame them or make them feel bad. I don't know. They're going to have to go to their manager. They're going to have to ask. It's a big to-do.

And talk through this. And the manager's probably going to have to talk to the chef. I don't think it really is. But it would be better for the actual establishment to know if some of their food sucked. I don't want these chefs going home crying at night you know what i mean like thinking but shouldn't they they're like get a get a dose of the truth i mean because i mean that's an option you're not being mean about it you're saying hey this is not for me could i get something else well let me not being about it, then they're not getting a dose of the truth. I mean, this isn't a me problem.

This is a you problem. You cooked this horribly. Let me ask you, Mike. Let's say you do it. Okay. All right. And you have the courage, and you're very polite. And you say, I'm sorry.

This is just not any good. And they bring you bad food the second time. Now, what stops you from the same philosophy of truth on that second time? Or would you be done at that point? I feel like fair point. The second meal comes out, you just have to, this place is not for me. Right. You just get up and you go.

Yeah. So, so much better. Thank you. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Nom, nom, nom. All right. We are moving on is this real life all right we are into is this real life where each of us have found a

real life news story that is well unbelievable and we wanted to share it with one another and with you i enjoyed this one very much let me read you the headlines all right border authorities find 52 reptiles hidden in man's clothing i did not see that ending coming also special credit to the writer of this story who worked in the first line of a man who tried to slither past U.S. border security agents in California had 52 lizards and snakes hidden in his clothing. I mean, on his purse, on his person's agents found a trench coat. Fifty two.

It's enough. And it's not watches. It's it's salamanders it's 52 live reptiles in small bags which were concealed in the man's jacket pants pockets and groin area nine snakes 43 horned lizards were seized oh my goodness and to meet a 30 year old u.s citizen that did this come on man and was arrested yeah i mean so let the man bring his lizards like do we really is this really a problem bringing lizards across the border i think it is you can't smuggle animals some were considered endangered lizards too okay they're even worse you cannot smuggle i'd let him keep the ones he

keeps around the groin. Those have been earned. You've earned the groin lizards. Okay. How many were? Nine snakes, 42 horned lizards. Wow. I am impressed by the band's effort.

So what happens to the lizards? They take them back and release them into the wild. So they're all dead. He was going to take care of these lizards. Oh, man, those poor groin lizards. They take them back and release them into the wild. So they're all dead. They're not. Who's going to take care of these lizards? Oh, they're fine. Oh, man, those poor groin lizards. Yeah, they may. The smells, maybe.

They may never live that down. But, I mean, being arrested, and it's like, oh, do you have a criminal record? Eh. Yeah. I do, actually. What's it for? Well. By my calculations.

Do you like lizards? Do you like lizards? All right, so that was my story. I thought was ridiculous man smuggling reptiles yeah it's a thing and he went big he didn't go a lot of people when they smuggle reptiles they go uh two snakes two horned lizards this guy went 50 plus on his purse i wonder if he would have not been caught if how big was the number trench coat like this sir your your face is very thin for a man your size yeah why are you yeah he's got like wiggly everything's wiggly reptile what's the over under on the reptiles you think you could smuggle oh i could get a good i could get a good eight to ten in okay i can't get that many i think

that putting a like i know it's in a bag but like just putting a lizard in a bag near you to my skin i mean that thing is still i feel like i can smuggle zero of these things in like i think that's my number is zero lizards i mean maybe two one in each pocket but i'm still gonna feel that like that's a no for me dog sir is that a lizard in here all right uh mike you are up all right so we've all had a bad day or two in our life yeah that's what we're here for uh but there was a lady up in washington at the olympic national forest who had a quite the bad day she went to use the bathroom i don't know if you've used a bathroom in a big park like that, but often they have, you know, it's called a vault toilet.

Yeah, in form. Let us know what that is. It is waterless. It is non-flushing. Essentially, like, if you look down, you're just like looking. Oh, it goes way down. Yeah, it's just a real big hole. Deep pit.

Well. Poop. Yes. I mean, the first thing that went wrong, she dropped her phone. No. Down the potty. Well, that's obvious. It's a lost phone.

That phone is gone. You move on. Apple care. Apple care. But no, she tried to MacGyver this, tried to use her dog leash to fish the phone out. The dog was not on the leash. No, the dog was not there. But then the lady toppled headfirst into the toilet.

No. And after about 15 to 20 minutes trying to get herself out of the container, she was thankfully able to get her hands on the phone and call 911. So she found the phone. Yeah, so she did find her phone, was able to get her hands on the phone and call 911. So she found the phone. Yeah, so she did find her phone, was able to call the authorities. She thought she was rescuing her phone, but her phone rescued her. Oh, man. And she was not harmed.

Authorities did not help. They chose not to. She refused to be taken to the hospital, which I don't know if that's a pride thing or not. Take me to the lake. The don't know if that's a pride thing or not take me to the lake but they they they said you know like they're you know she was quite lucky to have not been hurt by the fall also by uh spending 20 minutes in poop oh my goodness not good for health not oh my goodness just imagine that the moment where you know that you're going in. You've lost the center of gravity.

You're going in. That moment. So I'm having a thought exercise here of realizing. The other kind of exercising you enjoy. Right. The other kind of exercising I like. Walking to my table. I like to have a mental sweat as well.

So she has this leash yeah she's obviously not standing up over the toilet you're reaching it down with her arm you don't fall into a toilet oh she's got to be leaning she is she's leaning she's in it yeah she's like halfway down she's like you know on the knees hanging hanging in. Yep. Yep. Yep. I mean. Which, did she think she had a good shot with this leash? I'm not sure. How would you?

If you put a phone on the ground right here, okay? You put a phone by my foot and you give me a dog leash, you say you have 10 hours to pick that phone up. For a million dollars. For a million dollars with a dog leash. How in the heck could I possibly get that? You cannot. That's what I mean.

It was a bad premise to begin with. Oh, man. Lessons to learn there. Do you get billed by the city for the rescue? Do you get billed for a poo rescue? Al, you must know this. I don't know. I think you get one free.

You get one free rescue. Oh, like Spider-Man. I don't think you should get get one free you get one free rescue like like spider-man i don't think you should get that one is that phone like how many people would spend 20 minutes in poop for a free iphone oh i don't want to think i don't want to probably probably a lot of people right because she did get her phone back and she probably didn't get a bill man i think she's a genius yeah it's pretty crappy all right all right uh okay so mine a lot of times we have articles great article mike by the way uh that yeah that was impressive they affect someone usually the centerpiece of the article this this one you know and they're

like oh that's a silly little thing that happened to this person. This one affects countries. Oh. This is big. Wait, international? Big time. International problems. More bigger than lizard smuggling. Just slightly.

For 15 years, Sweden thought enemy submarines were invading its territory. It turned out to be herring farts. Yes! Fish farts! Oh, you idiot Sweden. What a dumb country. You saw a bunch of fish were farting and they thought they showed up on radar. No, they must have just been hearing it, thinking it was submarines making sound.

That is correct. It was the audio. up on radar as they must have just been hearing it thinking it was submarines making sound that is correct oh my god audio that they thought so this all started this all started in the 1980s in the 1980s there was a uh a ussr submarine that ran aground only six miles away from a Swedish naval base. Okay, so this is at least Cold War era. Exactly. So there is stuff going on. Yes, there's stuff going on. Cold War era.

There's a submarine that is right by your base, and they detected nuclear material on that. Very serious. Red alert time. on on that so very serious red alert time and so then they were really really closely monitoring their waters and what happened was they heard the they heard these fart sounds um so they heard these these sounds uh is that russian kept alerting them and they would whenever they picked up these elusive underwater signals and sounds um they sent sweden subs sweden boats sweden helicopters uh pursued these sounds in fact there was one pursuit that lasted for a whole month come on trying to find jason these farts

they they had this over 15 years eventually they finally in 1996 brought in magnus walberg hey say how do you mother for me uh a professor at the university of southern denmark brother of marky to come in and he relays this story. Okay. It is what my mind is telling me. Somebody walked in the room, a bunch of other scientists were in there going, we're on the trail of them. And some guy walks in and goes, you sure those aren't fish farts?

He was brought into this very secret room under the naval base in Stockholm. He was sitting there with all these officers and they were actually playing the sounds for them come on it's the real story it was the first quote it was the first time any civilian heard the sound um and so it didn't sound like anything he was expecting he was expecting like radar beeps or something oh yeah like a sub sound he said it sounded like someone frying bacon like small like small air bubbles releasing underwater turns out it was small air bubbles releasing underwater when he uh and his colleague found out that the herring have a swim bladder and this swim bladder is connected to the anal duct of the fish.

Yeah. And it's a very unique connection only found in herring. So a herring can squeeze its own swim bladder. Wait, like an on cue fart? Yeah. And that way it can blurt out a small number of bubbles. Yeah, absolutely. And so these herring, they were in massive schools of herring.

And when they got scared, they had a massive school-sized fish fart. And Sweden chased after them for 15 years. What's amazing to me is that there have to have been some people that were hired and left during that 15 years. And their entire career was a waste. And I am picturing all of them. They're all just the Swedish chef. They're all in submarines. The Swedish chef tracking down the Russians.

Absolutely outstanding. Those are some good picks today. Very nice. The Spitballers Draft. Very nice. The Spitballers draft. Alright, I said it at the top. We are drafting made up excuses. We're drafting excuses to get you out of that birthday

party. That kid's birthday party you don't want to go to. Look, I got the 101. There's a lot of excuses to go to. I don't know if it's best to have the first spot, but I'm going to take the layup. I'm going to take the easiest one, in my opinion. That's what I would take if I were you.

I'm not feeling well. No, you're sick. I'm sick. OK. And you've even been boosted by covid exposure now. Now you can say that. Yep. You know, there's a strategy here.

Make sure your sickness aligns with the current season, right? Absolutely. Make sure you got flu and flu season. You got COVID all the time. Yeah, that's all the time. And then, yeah, just, and to go with the I'm not feeling well, you can go with I'm not, I can't keep anything down. Yeah, I mean, being sick is the go-to, but the problem,

and really the thing we're here to solve for you, is that the problem is if I've got a birthday party for my kid and someone invited is sick, I know they're lying. I know they're lying. This is just, that's the go-to lie. Oh, I'm not feeling very well. Come up with something better. Call me back.

Click. Yeah, no, it is. And you do risk a follow-up call. Somebody's going to follow up with you and see how you're doing. It's the original. I like it. But I agree with Jason that you can get caught up in it pretty quickly. So that's why I'm going with my first pick here is I witnessed a crime.

Oh. And now I must stay around and give a report to the policeman. Really? I'm going to be tied up in red tape here for hours. Interesting. Wow. So this is the equivalent of, would you, like I witnessed an accident? Could you go that direction?

Yeah. Same type of a thing. I have to give an eyewitness report to the police. And I don't know. That's a little involved. I don't know when they're going to be here. You are going to have to make up some details later on. Oh, yeah.

I mean, a car accident works, too. That's very. Yeah, those happen all over the place. The Tacoma. It ran right into the Subaru. Oh, no. What intersection were you at, Mike? Yeah.

It's just at about 19th and Jordan. Okay. Oh, weird. There's no police report of an accident. No one's looking up a police report. Are you digging in? Well, I mean, look, is the birthday party's mom Karen? Because she might look it up.

She's got a police scanner. I didn't hear anything come across the wire. All right. All right. I witnessed a crime. But I do like a lot about what yours is. Yours is in the moment. You're not giving them a heads up.

You're not saying two days beforehand. Oh, that's a day of. That's a day of situation. That's a day of. That's about 30 minutes into the party. Mine, exactly right. Mine is in the party. Very similar.

Oh, wait, you're getting credit for the attendance? Oh, for sure. You're getting attendance credit? I wanted to come. The kids are so disappointed. I got a flat tire. i got a flat tire i got a flat tire i gotta wait for that oh you're on the way you weren't already there i was on the way man and i just um goodness gracious uh we'll see i might be able to make it right i don't know how long the tow truck's gonna take uh but you know it's uh it's just it's so hot outside to have pity on me because

pity on me. Pity on me. Okay. All right. Okay. Flat tire. It's a, it's a tried and true. Yeah.

Tried and true. Um, sometimes though, man, do you think people nowadays would say like, Oh, can you just Uber on over? Yeah. See, that's, that's why that one's wasn't on my list. They said I have to be here for... They said someone had to be here. Oh, I'll come pick the kids up.

No! They just got hit by a car. Oh, no, no, no. Really, the lies got out of control. I went too dark too fast. That's a last resort excuse. All right. So that one is tried and true, the flat tire.

I'm going to go with there's a big problem. Oh. But the nice thing about being a big problem is that's all it is. You can't check in on me and get more specific when I say I have a family emergency no that's my next pick yeah i mean look because oh what is it oh no did someone i don't it could be anything it's personal it could be anything yeah i do have a family emergency i really don't want to go to the party that is my emergency was i was gonna have to go and i mean the party is imminent and you got to get out of it. That's that's that's a great one.

Yeah. And, you know, you got to get a little more details in there. Doesn't have to be about you. Yeah. You know, that's one of my siblings. I don't want to. I don't want to get into it. Everyone is fine.

Everyone's fine. You don't need. Oh, everyone's fine. Very nice. But yeah, it's just I got to handle something. I can't really talk about it right now. So enjoy. Enjoy. Stupid birthday. Probably won't even's just a family emergency. You can't really talk about it right now. So enjoy being a bit stupid birthday. You probably won't even get a follow-up on that.

No? No. Mike, you're back up. So this has actually happened. So this has some real-world applications. You've used it? No, but I'm saying this event has occurred in front of the house I grew up in more than a handful of times. I'd love to come, but there is a bee swarm out front, and I have to take care of this bee.

This is a problem. Wow. So you can't even get out the house. It's dangerous for us to go. Am I allergic? Probably. I can't say for sure. Now, to be dangerous for us to go. Am I allergic? Probably. I can't say for sure.

Now, to be clear, this is a one-off, right? Oh, yeah. You don't get to go back to the well with the bee swarm. The hive is back. Man, they time up with your kid's birthday for real. I got to get the bee people out here. It's dangerous just to open my garage door right now because they're all going to get inside. I can't possibly make it. We have a snake in our house, and we're waiting for the—

That was on the list? That was on my list. Whenever you've got to wait for someone to come up and take care of the problem that you can't take care of, that's great. All right. I'm going to go with—this one's useful right out the gate when you get that invitation. Maybe you're out with the person, and they bring up, Oh, man, we've got this party coming up in a month. I'd gate when you get that invitation. Maybe you're out with the person and they bring up, oh, man, we got this party coming up in a month. I'd love for you to be there.

I would. But I got family in town that week. Yeah. I got family in town. I'm sorry. They're coming into town. Yeah. They're traveling.

Here for a limited time. I can't break away. No. I mean, I wish I could. They're traveling in. They're not from here this is a this is you know you'll have another birthday next year they're flying in from sweet they're taking us up but um andy what family's in town oh well that's great what family yeah

some of my my wife's family oh yeah they're they're in town but just for a few days okay we should we would love to take them out to dinner. You're trying to get me. We're getting some real-life application. You're putting them to the test. Yeah, no, it's important. And then, look, this one, this one's a little nuanced, all right? This is a be careful with this one.

But if you play it right, you're golden. It's the lost keys. Yeah, okay. Okay. You got the lost keys, but what I like to throw in there, a little twist on the lost keys. I like to find them with what I think about 15, 20 minutes left in the party and give them a call and say,

I just finally found them. Do you still want me to come by? Because you might get them saying no, and they just told you not to come to the party. Or the video game truck said they'd stay an extra hour long. Now, see, that's the risk. That is the be careful. You're dancing with the devil over there.

But I lost my car keys, and what can you do? I've been searching high and low. I even watched a whole Netflix show while I was looking yeah that one that one definitely feels a little dangerous it's a little dangerous you gotta live on the edge with the follow-up call that's i'm trying to get credit right no i'm trying to get attempted attendance credit now what if people know that you could start your car with your phone well there's a's a problem. Yeah. Then it's like, oh, why don't you just, here's your solution. You lost your key, huh? Oh, well.

I lost my phone. That's the key I was talking about. Yeah. Mike, you are back on the clock. All right. I feel like Mike is going to bring some real unique. This one's a really good one. So the timing of this is imminent.

I've got to take care of this because my father has run into a problem with his crippling gambling debts. Oh, man. Just now. The bookies have come calling, and I've got to go take care of this problem. So you're selling another family member down the river. That's right. So that family thinks your father is now a gambling addict. He's a degenerate.

Wow. We're taking it out of the shadows. We're letting everyone know about it. He's going to be okay because I'm going to go meet the bookie and I'm going to take care of him. I can't wait for your personal next birthday party where these friends come over and your father is there and they say, Oh no.

Oh, how, how's, how's it going with your gambling? It's gotta be so extreme that they'd never ask. No, but, and then it's, Oh, what gambling problem? And then they'll go, I gotcha. I gotcha. Good work. I mean, you've been going to meetings. Cool.

No problems. Cause I mean like, like, can you imagine asking someone How's your gambling problem That's a little too personal Unless they're like best friends It's a very nuanced excuse I like it Jason you are back up with two more picks It's just enough detail

I just hope that Mike has gone to so few kids parties That all of his extended family have major issues You got alcoholics, gamblers Someone's in prison Alright I'm up I've got alcoholics, gamblers. Someone's in prison, you know? All right. I'm up. All right.

I've got two picks here, right? Yeah. Close it out. Okay. We do have some problems in Arizona. Yes. I have had some of these problems in my house recently, inside. Usually these are outside. You find them with a black light oh yeah okay but someone just got stung by a scorpion wow and we gotta take care

of that i mean we gotta it's a medical issue that is a medical emergency that is uh... It was me, by the way. I'm never going to trust my kid. I'm never going to say one of my kids. What care do you need for this scorpion sting? I got to call... Poison control. Poison control. Yeah, you got to get a hold of that.

Because it's feeling really bad. Like, my leg is numb right now. I just stepped on it. I thought I could kill it barefoot. Okay. I can't use that excuse. Everyone would be like, no, you wouldn't, you coward. You put your foot in the shoe and it was just there.

Yeah. There you go. There we go. I didn't see it. I stepped on it. On the way out to the party. And so I'm really worried. I need to call poison control.

You sure you really can't fight through that? Oh, man. You just don't know if he's gonna have some sort of i literally toxic reaction i just stood up out of my chair and i fell over that's what my leg was you were trying to come i was i was trying to make sure i got to the party yeah so um yeah all right and now my final my final excuse to get out of the kids party is the one that should be our first one. I don't want to go. Yes.

I mean, it's good for you. It should be what we say. The truth. The truth shall set you free. I just don't want to go. So I should just say to my close friend, oh, thank you for the invite. I don't want to go. Now that.

If a friend said that to me, I'd be like, dude, I get it. I respect the heck out of you. Now that. Here's the thing. I'm just going to bring up the one problem there. You tell the truth. Great. You just told the truth.

But. They're never coming to your kids party again. And the kid relationship. Maybe you want to want the other kid to come to your party. You're burning the bridge. It takes a lot. The birthday bridge. It takes a lot to have that honesty, and I don't think they've got the courage for it. You think they're still going to come?

I think they're still going to come to my party. They're going to hit you with one of your excuses. And also, keep in mind, my wife and kids are going to that party. Oh, just you? Oh, absolutely. The solo bail. Yeah. Okay.

I want them to come to my kids' parties. Well, you know what your wife says when she's there alone, right? He didn't want to come? No, she says he's got a horrible gambling problem. Exactly. He's got to deal with it right now. You're known to all these parties. All right, Mike, your final pick.

All right, Mike. I, for one, cannot wait to hear it. Oh, I apologize. I should have saved the crippling gambling debt because this one's just, it's a little more benign. I just got shot. A dental emergency. Ooh.

I just cracked a crown. Oh, yeah. Or whatever. Yeah, that's not bad. You got to take care of that immediately. Everybody knows that's an instant fix needed. And my dentist is downtown. Right. Not bad. You got to take care of that immediately. Everybody knows that's an instant fix needed. And my dentist is downtown.

Right. And Dr. What's his name? Dr. Schultz. Schultz. Dr. Schultz. Yeah. He's downtown.

And then I'll be coming back in rush hour. Probably be pretty numb. Rush hour traffic. So I'm going to try and make it. I'm going to try my best to be there. But, you know, there's this tooth that is cracked open. We are much better at giving excuses of emergency in the moment excuses. Those seem much easier.

But the real problem is usually when you get that invitation to a party, you want to give that excuse when you get the invitation. That's where, like, family in town is, you know what I mean? Yeah, you can do it all, all different ways. I'm going to go with. I'm going to have a flat tire that day. Right. I'm going to go with my final pick is a, it's a phrase,

and it might not make very much sense very often, but I do feel like it is somehow the free pass phrase. I'm just going to say rain check. I'm just going to say rain check. I take a rain check on that. Next one. Interesting. I don't know if it'll work with the birthday party.

It's a powerful move. It is. It's a bold move. It's not saying I don't want to go. It's saying I want to go to a future one. And I just want you to... Now, you don't normally do it with a birthday party. I feel like a rain check, though, you'd have... You still got to send a present.

That's fine. In fact, if that was the exchange, I'd double the price of the present in order to get out. I was just going to ask. Would you go to a $100 present to get out of having to go to like a hundred dollar present yeah to get out of having time is money to the birthday every single part the invite should say option one twenty dollar present and attend option two hundred dollar present get out of here i mean that would be the quickest number two option or or lifetime subscription thousand dollar present never come again oh i'm just over i'm going number two because I'm not sure I've got 10 years of friendship with this.

That's fair. I'll just do the $100 every year. The lifetime pass extends to all friends, though. Oh, I'm in. In a circle. All right. That is going to do it for this draft. Did you guys have any honorable mentions that you wanted to get out there?

It's a little similar to the call with the I lost the keys, but it's you call 30 minutes after and say, I put it in the calendar wrong. Nice. Nice. You can do it. You can get real sneaky with that. You could go if you say nothing and don't show up, you can show up at the same time the next

day and say with the present and say I'm here for the party that and then they say it was yesterday i think you're in for a private party then you could be stuck we have a dinner yeah you're gonna you're gonna end up with dinner i have an allergic reaction oh nice i also have uh look the scorpion or just yeah uh my dog has explosive diarrhea i have dogs sick on my list yeah for sure um i have i have explosive diarrhea the uh diarrhea works many ways with too many cars uh didn't go with it but in in this world

of electric cars if you're living in that world i forgot to charge my car nice that's gonna take some time i got i got a slow charger at home no i mean mean, maybe you can make it for the end, for the cake. Maybe. To grab a slice. The only other one I had was I did have grandmothers in the hospital, like the medical one, or just bursting into tears on the phone. There's also like a work thing. You know what I mean?

We're business owners. Yeah, we got, oh, we have important. Conference call? Can you just say that? Important work thing. Conference call. All right. That'll do it.

What did we learn today? I learned never reach deep into a toilet. I learned that I should be strategically looking into rainy day Disneyland. And I learned that Jason should be in captivity. We did learn that today. I already am, Mike. We did learn that today. I already am, Mike. We did learn that. Living your best life.

Yeah, it's great. Thank you for following and subscribing to the show. Share it with your friends. Help them enjoy their Mondays. We'll catch you next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening

to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.