Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 209: Destination Funerals & The Best Places To Sit - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

On today’s episode, we discuss having immense wealth at age 10, delivering a drunken speech at a funeral, and driving without cup holders. We also spend too much time determining the correct pronunciation of some common words. We wrap things up with a draft of the best places to sit. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Blibbity, blibbity, blabbity, blabbity, boom! Alright, I'm in. How'd you feel about that one, Mike? I felt okay. It was good. Not bad.

It was good. I liked it. Not bad. I feel like I was a little rushed. Like, you got through it too quick. You could have had one other boom at the end. I needed a blebity. I see.

I was doing a vowel rundown. rundown of eat apples and paninis. Right. But you didn't get the blebity. Look, when you get one chance. Yeah, no, it never goes according to plan. Welcome to episode 209 of the Spitballers podcast. Excited to have a new show to share with you today. Would you rather?

That's a great question. And we are drafting the best places to sit. All right? So just think about that as we get closer to our draft. Every single idea and question on today's show came from supporters on Patreon. Thank you. So you can go to jointhespit.com. I think that works. You can go to spitwadsqu.com i think that works there's multiple ways it's the same destination but you're

just it's a choose your own adventure here where you're like do i want to be part of the spitwad squad or do i want to join the spit i like where your head was at jay did you guys do those were you into those books loved the choose your own until i killed myself in the book well i'm saying like the going with the tactic of you leave your thumb in there never cheated the book oh man what an idiot what an idiot until i died yeah i guess how often i died never maybe that's not true you didn't cheat maybe if i i probably didn't do it every time, but if I thought that trouble was around the bend,

I probably kept my finger there. I mean, you always got to peruse at least a couple words. For whatever reason, I remember one of them where my story ended because I blew myself up with firecrackers. That was the end of the Choose Your Own Adventure. It was very traumatic because my book reading was over.

The story, the adventure, I had chosen it, and death was the end of the choose your own adventure it was very traumatic because my book my book reading was it was over the story the adventure i had chosen it and death i do love that these authors the human beings that wrote this book were like i'm going to put an option that this child reading could die of firecrackers that's right it was it was hardcore back then and I remember my story coming to an end I decided I was in an airport and I took an object from a stranger it turns out you should not you should not do that okay important life lesson learned it was a gun oh okay and I got in trouble well that makes sense and that's why they announced at the airport don't take packages from strangers or bring guns yeah that too all right at spitballers pod on twitter let's get going would you rather brad from patreon writes him would you rather be gifted one million dollars at age 10 with the mentality of a 10-year-old and no advice.

Okay, so I'm out of money by 11. Go on. Yeah, that was the plot of Blank Check. Yeah, I've seen this movie. Or be gifted $1 million at age 68. Interesting. That's a long time. I mean, this does...

Al, it implies you do live to 68 at this point right or is that part of the gamble i would think that would be implied that you live or that it's part of the so this is a bonus now now i know i make it to 68 but you're 68 right the things you can do at 68 with a million dollars different than what you could do at 10 years old. Yeah, a lot better. Is it? Of course it is. At 68? Yes.

But wouldn't you want to remember that great 42 days where you were living high on the hog at 10 years old? You had every video game and video game system. The way I see it, if you're a 10-year-old, you're not getting advice. Oh, man, the Pokemon investment I'd be making. If we're saying you're not getting advice. Oh man, the Pokemon investment I'd be making. If we're saying like,

you're not getting grifted by a bunch of adults here who are like coming out smart. You're like, you're just, you're left to your own devices to spend. You're not spending that money in 40 days. No, you think you're going to have, you can't buy that many gumballs.

Exactly. Because you're not buying a lot of cash. You're not buying cars and houses at 10 years old. And so I, you know, there was a joke that I would run out of money, but it is not a joke that you can do way more at 68 than you could do at 10. I mean, it doesn't matter what you want to do at 10. If you've got the money to do it, is mom and dad letting you, can I do it? Am I allowed to do it?

Am I able to be driven to this location? When I'm 68, I'm an empty nester. My kids are gone. I'm retired. I can do whatever I want. You don't think that- Except walk well. Okay, that's fair.

You don't think that your parents would talk you into 10% of that money going into a bank account? No advice. Oh, no advice. Yeah. Ah, shoot. I was going to do some compound interest math. And you're a millionaire by 32.

That's what I was going to go. It's so easy. You're actually a millionaire by 10. Oh, yeah. Yeah, thank you. Yes. I think that, I think you're right. I mean, I think the most practical use of that is 68 years old, a million dollars.

You get to buy that whatever that beach house that the retirement house but man the dream as a child was the blank check dream and he spent a thousand dollars i had 42 as a kid once and i felt as rich as i could be i could buy any ninja turtle toy i wanted you got i'm taking the million as a 10-year-old. You're just going wild. I mean, it would be a great story for the rest of your life. I feel like I blew a million dollars. I feel like me as a 10-year-old, I could buy everything that I wanted, everything, and I would still have hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars

just sitting in a briefcase in my room. No, you're right. I mean, if you're actually 10 years old, and I think of when I was 10. My Huffy's going to be off the chain. Everything that I would possibly want would not cost more than, you know, maybe I'd get a box suite at the Suns for season tickets. Like, that's what I would have got as a 10-year-old, and that would have cost him, you know, tens of thousands of dollars.

But I would add everything left. You've got nothing to spend it on. Now, if this was a question of I'm not guaranteed to make it to 68, but if I make it to 68, I'm going 10 years old because I at least get that money. You're not banking on 68. I'm not banking on 68. I mean, look, fingers crossed. Every day is a gift, Jason.

Thank you, Mike. But if I'm assured 68, then that's where my money is going. I'm going 10. Now, wait. Would you? 68. Do you know the snacks you could get at the snack bar? As a 10-year-old?

Oh, my goodness. You'd be the coolest snacks. This round's on me, 8th grade. The problem would be your popularity. Because everyone's going to be swarming around you as a 10es you have to buy yes if you open that when if you open that door of you're willing to buy people snacks and things i would then maybe you run through your million dollars a little bit faster if i can run through a million dollars of Star Crunches, I mean, that is some impressive work being done. A million dollars at 10, Jason, or you forego it and you just get the guarantee you're 68.

Oh, man. Give me that million dollars. I mean, every man dies. Not every man truly lives. All right, Wally from Patreon. Would you rather have a few too many adult beverages before delivering a speech at your best friend's wedding or funeral? Oh. Okay.

So where do you want to not mess up? This is just not even close to me. This is the most home run. Let it be the wedding. Let it be the goofy memory at the wedding. Really? Yeah, because. i was like i'm i'm in complete agreement with him it's so obvious it's so easy which place is there more likely to

be a drunk person oh it's the wedding first of all it's going to be more permissible for you to have had a few drinks second of all the likelihood of you finding that middle spot on the speech where it's not funny enough to be a youtube memory for the thing but just funny enough to embarrass you i just feel like if i went up at a funeral and i desecrated the memory of somebody with my stupidity see i i feel like if you you both went the other way yeah i felt like it was the funeral because look like the you're like you're at the funeral which a celebration of life like the emotions are going to come pouring out and i feel like at the best friend's wedding you're trying to be clever you're trying to be funny and you have you run the

risk of losing your best friend by like you share something that you should not have shared you overstep a line you you would you you launch into a burn that's just over the line and it's remembered forever and now your best friend is mad at you maybe the the spouse is super angry with you you run you run yourself a risk there yeah you can't really there's no funeral, there's no risk. Right. You've already lost. Because your best friend's not mad at you. He's gone. There are other people there. I don't care about them.

My best friend is gone. Which place can you take your shirt off? Both. Okay. More acceptable at the wedding. All right. I'm at a beach funeral. What's funny is I had heard this question.

You're at a beach funeral. A destination funeral. Everyone's coming to Hawaii. How much do you love me? My funeral is in Hawaii. Respect my wishes. Maui. Yes.

A destination funeral. Kanapali Beach Funeral. We'll be at the five star. No expenses paid. No expenses paid. Oh, for sure. This is about you. Do you love me? Am I worth this to you? His final wishes were that his friends and family whom he loved the most would come to the five star resort in Wailea. It's a multi-day experience. Oh, for sure. Week-long stay. We're spreading his ashes all over

the road to Hana. There's checkpoints throughout the entire all of the islands, in fact. Oh, my gosh. You got an island hop, a destination funeral. Now, that's the type of funeral I want. Your wife would be like, oh, my gosh. But to be fair, that's also the type of funeral

I want to go to. Sure. Sorry, work. I have to go to this really important funeral that's going to take a week and a week. How do you say no to that? You might not have vacation time. My uncle died and he asked me to go to Paris. Exactly.

Okay, that's really, really funny. Exactly. Okay, that's really, really funny. What I was going to say before, the amazingness of a destination funeral was that I heard the question backwards, like, where would you rather not be? And so I am completely with Hayden. I'm not saying something wrong at a funeral. You got to walk on eggshells at a funeral. I don't think you do. You can't disparage the death.

Yeah, Mike, you may want your funeral to be a celebration of life, and I know that's the goal for a lot, but there's a massive amount of sadness and mourning taking place at a funeral. But not a destination funeral. That's a party. Snorkeling on a destination. Yes. Yeah, part of me needs to go down to the reef.

The casket's at the bottom. Snorle down. But it's like, what can you, if you go over the line at a funeral, it is this person just, they're in grief and it poured out. And I just feel like if you in fact step over that line, you're more likely to be forgiven for the funeral and not the wedding. fact step over that line you're more likely to be forgiven for the funeral and not the wedding now how if the uh the general tradition has been like the what the parents of the bride have paid some of the funeral or the oh no the wedding bill does that mean they like the parents of the

of the groom are supposed to cover the funeral uh or they're they're long gone never mind i think the grooms you know you're covering your own expenses. Oh, my goodness. It's not the travel. To answer the question, I will take the destination funeral. The destination. How jolly are the invitations? Are they really somber?

They've got those butterflies that when you open it up, they scare everybody. They pop out and sand explodes all over. He would have wanted you to be here. Join me in Tahiti oh my gosh as i mourn all right lester from patreon would you rather have too much of a good thing and get sick of it or never have quite enough but always want it oh oh boy yeah i mean here's a here's the one of the saddest parts of human nature, in my opinion, is that generally speaking, when we're blessed with something, for a long enough period of time, we take it for granted.

Sure. Always. Always. It doesn't matter what it is. You could have the greatest gift, that million dollars that you have at 10 years old to buy whatever you want. You buy all those toys, your desire for them after a week goes away right yes but this question is heavily flawed one thing is yeah lester look at it look at it

like this unless i'm reading this question wrong this is would you like to have a good thing with a downside or would you rather have a bad thing with a downside am i wrong about this like you either have too much of a good thing but you get sick of it or you never have enough but you all oh but you but you know it says but you always want it you always want it but that's like a bad thing okay but what if you had unlimited this is kind of like i've got i always want three scoops of ice cream i only get two so my desire for ice cream stays strong while i'm still getting not quite enough well yeah but you i mean that's great in that example if you get two scoops for ice cream stays strong while I'm still getting not quite enough. Well, yeah, but I mean, that's great in that example.

If you get two scoops of ice cream, this is more you do not get enough. So you get a half a scoop of ice cream. Never have quite enough. Yeah, I mean. Quite enough. Two scoops of ice cream is quite enough. Not for me. Well, that's true.

You are an ice cream fiend. It reminds me. And I'm back in on ice cream, by the way. Oh, you did take a break. I really, I just dove right back in. Well, you can't stay away from Big Dairy. No. This reminds me of when-

Does a body good. As a youth, I don't know if you realize this now, growing up, Chick-fil-A is everywhere, right? Okay. It's everywhere, and they're always popular. And it's good chicken. Back in the day, it was very difficult to find them, at least in Arizona. Okay. This is a good example.

Essentially, we had one of them, and it was in this mall. It was a metro center, this mall that we used to have over here. But for where I grew up, metro Center might as well be 10 hours away. Really? I know. I know. In kid time. It's like 20 minutes, but whatever. It's 20.

But in kid time, that's forever. And that was the only place here that you could find a Chick-fil-A. And it was tucked like in the back. It wasn't even in the food court. It was tucked off in the back of one of the sides of the mall. Tough to get to but every time you're like wait a minute i get i get the waffle fries today or you would go on a trip and hit up uh i remember visiting like my uncle in indiana or something we went to the mall and

there was a chick fling it was holy crap there's i can get the nuggets and i would just drink you would dream of that food because it was so good and you could never get it. It was so rare. And it created this myth in your head of how good it was, and you always wanted it, and you would get it every once in a while, and it just made it that much better. The fact that you didn't have the instant gratification

and you could only get it every once in a while made it even more special. Versus now today. Yes. You can and have had plenty of Chick-fil-A. You don't have the same feeling that you had about it. So this question is literally. Not nearly as special. Was it better to have one Chick-fil-A you couldn't go to that was special or to have Chick-fil-A readily easeable, readily.

Available. Available. And that's such an obvious, that question is very obvious if we're being honest. That's a bad miswording of it, though. It says you have too much and get sick of it. Yes. You know? No. Answer the question, Mike.

Oh, no, I think it was better the way it was. Oh. Yeah, I'm with i'm with you on that one i'll take the rarity and in wanting because it makes the pursuit enjoyable this is where i am old man of like i love it when netflix releases the entire series oh boy good here we go it's you get through it in a day you're like yeah well i now have an empty spot in my soul and i have and then they wait two more years to release the series. I have nothing to look forward to next Sunday night.

No, spread it out, man. This is a debate here in the studio. I mean, look, if I get sick of Chick-fil-A, there are plenty of other places I could start to desire. And when I binge through that show, I'm going to grab another show. No, that's why you call it a show hole. Yeah, I have a show hole all the time, and fill it all the time yeah with garbage all right give me give me uh yeah you want to be sick of it oh yeah you'll just move on i'll move on quickly benjamin from patreon would you rather have no radio in your car or no cup holders

oh man and by radio you of course mean like hearing things in your car yeah you can't stream your phone i'll get rid of the am radio i'll find a way to live without it no not surprising but i still listen to plenty of am radio this is actually you want to know why by the way sports just for a quick distraction no it's because it takes one button to turn on and that is half the battle for me if i want to go listen to a song on my app on the thing i gotta get in the car i gotta find it i got three buttons i gotta type no i gotta type something in mike okay it's not always one click away if i want to listen to something that's on i just click the radio and i drive to work man you you and your you guys in your olden times where they'll give me one show a week and one button to click i'll be fine i need

to get up to change the station no remotes allowed um yeah this is interesting because i i already deal with the cup holders in my car are a little small oh do you do a lot of crotch holding oh yeah uh sometimes you have to or Or, unfortunately, I put it, like, in other compartments that are not made for a drink. Like the glove compartment? Yeah. Put my 64-ouncer, just lay it on its side, push it in. As long as you tilt it just right. No, but you know how you have, like, the middle, like, I don't know what they call those, the little consoles that, like, lift up.

Yeah, the center console. You can, like, lift that up, and there's a bigger hole. You put a drink in there that doesn't fit in the tiny cup holders and then you start driving and it starts spilling everywhere. You got to keep a hand on it. Yeah, but my point is

this is with cup holders it's annoying. If you have none, I mean, I can't imagine. The only drink you could have You have to get strong in your thighs.

The only drink you can have from then on out feels like it's got to be bottled. It's got to be like a... I could have a bottled water. It's got to have a cap. Can you ask your neighbor, like your passenger, to hold your drink for you?

Well, if you have a passenger. You can, yeah. What about when you're solo? Yeah, I mean, that's... What about if you've got the family? What kind of drinks are you drinking in the car without lids? Because that's what you just implied. Well, no.

Lids are different. Like, if I have a lid on a seat and it falls over, it's still spilling. Yes. A lid is not going to. You can handle a lidded drink without a cup holder? So here's the thing. Usually when I've got drinks in the car, it's a family occasion. You know what I mean?

So the cup holders need it. So you have someone to hold the cup then. But they don't. That's too bad you're gonna drive if we go through a drive-through and everyone's getting a drink and a sandwich or whatever we're getting how could you live without the cup holders in that situation you are asking for your vehicle to be ruined sure but in that situation now you're driving around with your family in dead silence. Or even worse, you're talking to them. Well, in that situation, you'd be hearing... I mean, look, the whole eating in the car with the whole family thing, that's a whole discussion point as a whole.

You know, we drive through places on the way back from up north sometimes, and my wife, she doesn't want to let the kids have the dips with the nuggies. No dip policy. I think they can handle the dips. Oh, what? You're a wild man. You think a child in the back

can be left to their own devices with ranch? Now it is white seats. Okay, well, barbecue sauce? No, I mean barbecue sauce. There's a color for any condiment. You got barbecue colored seats. Molasses? I thought they could handle it.

No way. What usually happens. You make them eat their nuggies dry. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I assert dominance, too, when they're like, I'll take the kid's chicken nugget meal. They're like, any dipping sauce? kid's chicken nugget meal. Any dipping sauce? I look at my kids.

No. Yeah, see, I try to bridge the gap there because I will let him, you know, my youngest, he always needs barbecue sauce with his nuggies. Barbecue sauce. Barbecue sauce. And so I will look him in the eye and just say, do not dare spill this. Do not let go of it. I mean, it's serious. And here's what he's done a really genuinely good job of.

Okay. He has not spilled a condiment on my car in as long as I can remember. His shirt and pants take all of the brunt of it. I mean, he gets out of the car looking like he just took a finger paint lesson because he knows. It's like, that could be on me. But that's just proving the point of you give him the dip. It's going somewhere.

It's going someplace. Not his mouth for sure. Yeah, that's funny. So, yeah. So what was the question? No radio or... You use the radio every single time you're in the car. Yeah, it's going to be bottled water for me

and give me my tunes and my podcasts. All right, moving on. That's a great question. Jen from Patreon, she knows us because she says, you guys are bidet truthers. That's right. Stand by it. In a public restroom, would you rather use a public bidet or an untouched roll of teepee? People have problems with the...

Well, first of all, there's no such thing as a public bidet, but let's say that there... Well, if there was, I ain't using it. There's also not an untouched roll of toilet paper. Hands have placed that toilet paper. Let's say gloved hands. We get the idea. Okay, but you're just saying like it's a clean, fresh roll. It's got the little triangle thing.

It's got the triangle fold at the bottom of the toilet paper. So you know this has just been put on its fresh. The janitor did it. But like people have a problem with getting dirty toilet paper off the roll? I don't think that's the issue. It's just saying a nice, pristine toilet paper versus a used public bidet. Well, I mean, public teepees generally one-ply trash. That is the problem.

But I also don't feel like I have an obligation to preserve it. So often I will create my own quattro ply. Oh, yeah. You do the long. There's just no way that I, the mixture of water with random booties being down on that seat. I just somehow think that poop particles have got to get into this water distribution center.

I'm not taking a bidet from the public. I would have no pro like I don't public poop because there's no bidets. If I knew that place, that can't be the reason why 100 100% the reason why. Literally. Before you were ever a bidet enthusiast, before that moment even came, you were anti-public pooper. I was anti-public pooper. That is true. I'm not saying-

Do you have a wiping issue? I'm not. Yeah. Can you not reach? I can reach just fine. How fat do you think I am? You're just packing. I've got short little nubby arms.

I got to go down through the front. Can you not reach? I'm trying to put the pieces together, Jason, before bidets existed. Now you know why I was a stander. I had to really twist the body. He's always been fine pooping in public. He just could never wipe in public. No, I am not.

I am an anti-public pooper with or without bidets. Everybody's anti. Exactly. That's my point. Nobody is like man oh are we gonna hit that mcdonald's up because i would love to take a dump in there like that's not how people work but now at the place that i am in life being a bidet bro i i can think to myself like man i really have to poop And I'm... And if there was a bidet?

And you can shut it down? Yeah, I can shut it down. I mean, most of the time. There's at least once I couldn't. But, you know, you win some, you lose some. So, but I genuinely think, like, if I knew, oh, this, you know, this Walgreens had a bidet in it. Sure. Then I would be far more inclined to public.

You don't worry about a mixture of particles? No, because the water is coming from the hose line that is in the wall. It's cleaning itself as it's being used. That's the thought, obviously. And as long as it's not, you know, it's a public bathroom, so I guess it's going to be a bad bidet. I mean, are you telling me bidets can't get dirty? No, they can't. As long as it's not, you know, it's a public bathroom, so I guess it's going to be a bad bidet. I mean, are you telling me bidets can't get dirty?

No, they can't. But like a lot of them, you just turn the lever the other way and it's like a self-clean. So you think you could handle that? Oh, yeah. Is that the way you're going? Yeah, absolutely. Public trust in the bidet. Yes, I would.

Okay. I mean, the bidet is no worse than what I am currently sitting on. Wouldn't you be running a bit of a public temperature risk with the bidet water? Oh, it's going to be cold. Yeah, it's not a fancy bidet. This is going to be... But look, beggars can't be choosers when you're cleaning your bum bum. Okay.

And what's the worst case scenario? A little poop water on your butt? I mean, it's going to be anyways. It's seen worse five seconds ago. Yeah, whatever. I'll say it's mine. I'll say it's mine. Mentally strong.

I'm not throwing away my snot from Patreon. It says, for a $500,000 prize, would you choose to kick a 40-yard field goal or shoot a half-court basketball shot? That one's easy. I actually just heard an upgrade on this question as well. The jail question? Yeah, did you see that? I feel like maybe we've answered that, but yeah, go ahead.

It was basically that if you were given 20 shots from half-court, and if you make two, you get $500 million, two of 20. If you don't make two of 20, you go to jail for 40 years. Oh, man, I'm taking those shots. Are you? I'm taking those shots, absolutely. You're telling me 500 million? 40 years, man.

For 40 years in jail. I can make two out of 20. I said I could easily make two of 50 where I'd be willing to gamble 40 years of my life. I said I could easily make two of 50 where I'd be willing to gamble 40 years of my life. Like I would. But man, you're underestimating the 40-year jail stress at the end of that. Let's say you make one. Yeah, you're 100% right. And then you get like four shots away.

You have to make a half-court shot one in four. I will never shoot that 20th shot. You'll run. Just run. I will never. You can't make me shoot it, and I will have never failed. I'll say, well, we haven't found out yet. But I think I would.

40 yards is pretty long. If you had said 30-yard field goal, I might have taken the kick. I'm not sure any of us could make a 30-yard kick. I don't know the distance. I mean, I know what 30 yards is. 30, you could maybe get it up there, but I would feel more comfortable. You have to be accurate, too. It's not just the distance.

You've got to get it through the uprights. No, it's the upright trajectory like being that far away and like i'm telling you we've done these things of like going to the park and try and kick a field goal and it's very very difficult really i feel like it's incredibly jason's got a pretty good kicking like i feel like oh he does as a punter right I'm very very genuinely curious I've never kicked a field goal style ball it's hard ever not once in my life that I can remember I kicked from the 10 and made it yeah that's a 22 yard field goal if you're there you just I can't get no force you can't get no 40 yeah you're not making a 40 yard man I, I really want to try this without having the not like if I have to pick from here. I don't know how

easy or hard any distance field goal is. I have to take the half court shot. All right. Seth from Patreon for Mike. Oh boy. Oh, hello. Oh, good. See you later. Actually, sorry. No, this one's from Insecure Audio Flies from Patreon. What is the correct pronunciation

of these words? Okay, okay. Route. Well, you're pronouncing it. Or root. I think you got to spell it. Okay. Aunt or aunt.

Or data or data. Okay. So we've got root route, aunt, aunt, data, data. Okay, so R-O-U-T-E. Which, if you're explaining the directions, you get your kicks on Route 66. But you run a route. Oh, crap.

No, no, no. This is the answer. The answer is, if you're talking about a highway or a path, it's a route. Why? If you're talking about, because I just said it is. Because that's what the song is. Yeah, Route 66.

You don't get your kicks on Route 66. You're not running a nine route. No, I agree with that. Unless you're from Canada. But like, you know, what's the fastest route to get to Prescott? Oh. People say that stuff all the time. And you know it.

I can see your face. You know that's true. It sounded natural. It did. You don't say what's the... Say it with a number. What? Route 66?

Route 66? Yeah, see, Route 66, that's terrible. It's a label versus a path. Yeah, that's... Okay, okay. A label versus a path. Now, on the... I guess you can say what's the best route to press. Yeah, that's okay. Okay. A label versus a path. Now, on the ant. I guess you can say what's the best route to press.

On the ant versus aunt, I feel like that's just a matter of are you British? Ooh. There's different parts of the U.S. What do you go with? Oh, it's an ant. My aunt. My auntie. I flip.

You say aunt in normal conversation? Yes. Like a psychopath? My family is from. Do you say aunt or aunt? I've done both. I thought it was based on the age of the aunt-aunt. That makes a lot of sense.

If they're real old, that's an aunt. If they've got a little bit of a hunchback or a limp, they're an aunt. My family's from the Midwest, so they brought that down here. They brought aunt down here? Really? Yes. So they're super old with a hunchback. An aunt is always really cool. They're super old with a hunchback an aunt is always really cool they're young cool aunt there's not a cool aunt can an aunt age into an aunt like

she used to be my aunt how much do they like tea that's a good aunts like tea aunts like tea ants they drink they drink the beers yeah aunts drink tea no, I think you're right. Now, with this data. Just an OE 40 ounce. Data versus. Crush it on the forehead. Data versus data. If you're talking about numbers, that's data. That's statistics.

If you're talking about the dude from Star Trek. Let's say an android. That's data. I mean, that's just data. That's as simple as it is? That's as simple as it is. Interesting. Mike, do you have any thoughts on data data?

I think I go back and forth on that one, too. I know. mike do you have any thoughts on data data i think i go back and forth on that one too i know why do we do this with our language english is real english is bad what are the british well i always assume that the brits know how to say things better yeah they started this english thing i assume that whatever they say we do it the other way we do it better water water water wait. Water. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. What was the British version of that word? Water.

I don't know. Okay. What? I just think it was a great English accent. I don't know. Water. I don't know. Oh, that's good.

Sell me down a river. Data. River. Driver? No, river or river. Oh, okay's good. Sell me down a river. Data. River. Driver? No, river or river. Oh, okay. All right. I think it's time to draft.

The Spitballers draft today mike has the privilege of selecting the 101 in our draft best places to sit i do think there is a 101 there is so okay then jason knows exactly what it is i'm so upset because there's a clear 101 and i like, maybe he'll just think this isn't. Do I know? I mean, I don't know. It was the first thing that I thought of, and I was like, this is very clear. Look, sitting, a lot of things can be taking place while you're sitting. You could be relaxing, but sometimes you need to get somewhere. And when you're going somewhere, you want to make sure that that's a good big comfy soft chair where people are serving you oh boy fine thing so the the best place to sit

is first class oh that's such a good second pick oh you have a better one yes i've got a better one first class does seem like a jason pick oh it's also it is second on my list i mean that's a great pick mike okay but i'm sitting courtside at a basketball game is second on my list. I mean, that's a great pick, Mike. But I'm sitting courtside at a basketball game. Are you kidding me? That is on my list as well. Courtside? I mean, it's NBA Finals Game 7, of course, but I mean... Oh, I see. The big... It's not

preseason? Comfy, no. We have sat courtside at a preseason game once, and that was... It still was pretty exciting. It was amazing! I think it was an international team that we didn't even know any of the players, and that was still was pretty it was amazing I think it was an international team that we didn't even know any of the players and it was like this is unbelievable and also you're in a different world you're in a world of giants I mean yes everyone the coaches are all former players everyone who's near you is just mean, you two are tall fellas in your own right. No, not there.

Not there. No. No. How do you feel there? Oh, I was... I was basically wearing an invisibility cloak. Everyone just looked right over me. So you went with first class, Mike. Great pick. Jason, courtside. Outstanding. Oh, you added

at the NBA Finals. I feel like that actually ruins it a little bit. Oh, certainly. But yes, had it at the NBA finals. I feel like that actually ruins it a little bit. Oh, certainly. But yes, courtside at the NBA. I mean, just courtside is great. I didn't go the route you guys were going necessarily. I got two picks. So my first one is just a comfy chair.

Yeah. Recliner is on my list. I mean, what's wrong with a comfy chair? I would love to sit in it. Look, when I think about sitting, sometimes I include the plop, man. The plop is everything. Oh, yeah. Can you plop? You don't want to hurt yourself.

Here's what's not being drafted. An uncomfortable chair. That's not where anyone wants to sit. A rock. But then my second pick then, because I know there's no chance of it getting back to me and some of my others will i'm gonna go with the beach yeah okay i want to sit at the beach yep the breeze the views it's delightful it's a great melanoma it's a wonderful seat it's worth it yeah no that's that's on my list that was one I was hoping to grab. The beach chair at the ocean. I believe coach is still available. I don't fit.

You could go, you know, the... Business class? Business class, yeah. Business class just gets on first, still sits in the bad seats. Is there a business class anymore? I don't think so. What if it was just the coach sees painted a different color? Yeah.

That would be enough for some people. We give you 30 millimeters more room to the legs i feel like with the new planes i don't recall walking past two different sections before i get to the economy i just heard about somebody's a plane or an airline company who wanted to add standing standing for all the like shorter than an hour european little pop-over flights that seems like in the back not safe like you just hold the i mean hold the railing i realize that you know in a crash landing it's that's a pretty intense situation but if you're standing yeah and there's an emergency you gotta hold to hold real tight. I have. Well, you're handcuffed to the bar. I have seen the, it was just like a prototype.

And by the way, that the airlines work, I would not put it past them to do it. But the double-decker seats. Yeah. Where it's basically a seat on top of a seat. And it's just a claustrophobic nightmare. It's fine to be the seat on top of a seat. It is not fine to be the seat under another seat. No, it is not. If you haven't seen it, look it up. It's fine to be the seat on top of a seat. It is not fine to be the seat under another seat. No, it is not.

If you haven't seen it, look it up. It's a nightmare. You're just sliding your body into a little slot that you sit in. That is not being drafted today. All right, so Andy, you've got a comfy chair, and you've got- And I'm sitting on the beach. Sitting on the beach. Now, are you on the sand?

Yes, if he's at the beach, he's in the sand. Okay, well, I use a beach chair on the beach. That's what I prefer. I'm just curious all of the above what he likes the best um so for me so nice of you this is um this was what this would have been in consideration for the second because these things have gotten really really really good and i have recently found out that I love them. So I am taking the fancy massage chairs. Oh, okay.

That's a good one. We were at an Airbnb. This is a problem. Jason's already probably purchased one. Yes, I got one last weekend. I did. I just got one. It has not arrived yet.

You are an embarrassment, send me the model. Yeah. It was at Costco. It was great. But anyways, we were at it. You are an embarrassment, send me the model. Yeah. It was at Costco. It was great. But anyways, we were at an Airbnb a while back, and they just had one there. And I was like, oh, look, that's cool. And I was like, oh, my gosh, this thing is amazing. That's a great pick.

It was not on my list, but only for lack of thinking of it. Yeah, I would have put it on the beach if I could have. You already took the beach. Just bring a big bowl. My massage chair on the 50-yard line. Yeah. And I fly in on it. In the Super Bowl with the Cardinals are playing in.

All right, so I have the two picks here. So this first one, you've got to have the stomach. You've got to have the stones to be willing to do it but if you've got the if you've got the courage and you're up on that mountain on the edge of a cliff oh really if it it is one i mean you have a have you done this i've yeah i've sat like closest to it the my fear of heights comes and goes. Sometimes I'm okay and sometimes I'm just 10 feet back just terrified.

I had a friend who did that once. But you get the entire view of... You've just climbed a mountain. You've done a leg dangle? I've done a leg dangle. I'd be so afraid of the wind. I mean, I would genuinely be like laying back.

I'd be laying back. I'd be afraid of erosion. I'm not saying I could do it every time, but I've had a time where the courage was enough and I was able to sit there and you're just, it's a wild sensation to be- That close to death. To be staring out at the beauty and then knowing, well, if I just slip forward, this is the end. It's over. So I got that and a different type

of a thrill. I know that my man Al here enjoys this place as well. You got to get in on this action when you're sitting at the blackjack tables, baby. When you're playing them cars. What a good seat. How is that not on my list what a good

seat you want a seat at the table yeah i want to see nothing's worse when you're walking around there's no empty seats yeah you got to get a seat you want to play you got to draft that seat what a great pick mike oh man all right jason back to you oh that was really good um okay so mike's picks were gambling with his life gambling in reality that's right got it you gotta live brother prison jail cell but like max security um in the hole look this is one of my favorite places and i wanted to draft something that's not just this hypothetical uh you know court side at the nba like, where do I personally love to sit? And that is on a fancy bidet toilet, baby.

It's on my list. The heated toilet seat. The heated toilet seat. I mean, I probably spend a quarter of my life in there. Who spends the most time, that one wins. Yeah. I knew bidet was. It's very comfortable.

It's comfy. The warmth is nice. It's room temperature, a little warm. It's going to make... It's clean. And I get to hide in there. You know, it's like... Right.

Everyone knows it. This is not a secret. That's the hiding spot. It's hiding in plain spot. Yeah, hiding in plain sight. Dad's in the bathroom. Oh, it'll be 20 minutes. I thought you were about to take, Mike,

when you went with Edge of a Cliff, you were teasing it, and it gave me an idea for my next pick, which wasn't on my original list, but it's actually one of the most fun moments when you sit down on an amusement park ride. Oh, yeah, there you go. Big time.

Whether it be a roller coaster or a disneyland ride once you sit down and that thing comes down clicking that's a lot of fun so i'll go amusement park ride and then for my last pick boy there's so many types of chairs i love sitting in um you know i think i'm gonna go simple beanbag oh a wonderful beanbag beanbag chair when's the last time that you got in a beanbag uh i've been in your room i've been in some beanbags lately when i i mean that was when i had my room as a kid it was but they got the big bags now they got the big uh love sack oh yes we have a really, really big beanbag that we got for our youngest. He wanted it and it

is the worst. What? They're not making them like they used to? Oh, no. It's awesome. It is comfortable. Oh, no. It is delightful. He loves it. He loves jumping on the thing and land there. He can't get out. Well, I mean, that is one issue. No, it's just

they've gotten too big. Oh, the beanbag is too large. It takes up the whole room. I mean, these things are outrageous, and I feel like I can't even... Like, it comes somehow, like, vacuum sealed, where when you open this thing, it's 20 times the size. I feel like I can't get it out of my house. I want to throw this thing away. Oh, it's like opening the mattress.

Right. It inflates. It's like you can't... I out of my house. I want to throw this thing away. It's like opening the mattress. It inflates. It's like you can't. I've got to deconstruct the house to get this thing out. It can be overinflated or under beaned. No joke. The one Jason's talking about is probably 10 feet in diameter. It's ginormous. Because, of course, he went ham on this.

Why did you get that one? He didn't buy a normal one. He had to buy the most expensive one. Go to Spencer's and buy a bean bag. I mean, but when you're looking online and you're like, do you want this one? You are sleeping in your own bean bed. Do you want this one or do you want the bigger one? Yeah.

I'm like, which one are you going to get? So you're complaining about what you bought. Well, yeah, they give me an option to buy it too big. That's on them. It's on them. Oh, no. I see. I see.

All right. Back to you, Jason. So many good picks left. I wish we could go five rounds. I'm running out of things. All right. Never mind. Oh, man.

Do I want to go wild or do I want to go regular? I'm going to go wild. Take a walk on the wild side. I'm going to take it. You've got the edge of a cliff. You've got a while. Take a walk on the wild side. I'm going to take it. You've got the edge of a cliff. You've got a plane. One place that I would love to sit in someday is a space shuttle. I want a seat going to space.

Okay. And I don't imagine it's very comfortable. No. But the result from sitting in that chair will be worth it. That's a tough one to really pull the audience on. Yeah, not a lot of experience. They don't know whether it's really the best place to sit or not. Yeah.

Just pull the astronauts. Mike, your final pick. All right, for this one, we're going vanilla on this one, but it's a place where you sit a lot. Because, I mean, when you go to the restaurant and they say, where would you like to sit? Would you like to sit in the table? You go, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Give me the booth. The booth. The booth. The booth. Because the tables are generally uncomfortable and you don't want to be there. And where it is at is in the booth. It's in the booth.

Yeah, and the tables are all in the middle of the restaurant, too. Give me that window. I want some privacy. Yeah. Some sunlight. There is the occasional odd booth, but most of the time the booths were... Yeah, usually when a booth goes wrong is they go with the circular one because they think you're going to fit six people, except it still just fits four.

Yeah. But they try to fit six people, and everyone's knees are touching. That's when it's bad. But when you just get a standard four-person booth. Just go standard, people. Just give me the booth. All right. Mike went with first class, edge of a cliff, blackjack table,

and a restaurant booth. Jason, courtside at the NBA Finals, massage chair, a fancy bidet seat, a space shuttle. I went with a comfy chair on the beach, amusement park ride, and a beanbag chair. I had piles of other places I wanted to sit. Let's bring some up here. What do you got? A rocking chair, of course.

How did you not get that? Also, just porch. I didn't know if sitting on the porch was a good idea. What if you're on a porch and a rocking chair? Live theater, sitting in a live, you know, seeing live theater, great place to sit. A swing. Yeah. I got a hammock, a hammock in live theater. Great place to sit. I had a swing. Yeah.

I got a hammock, a hammock in the woods. When was the last time you were swinging, Mike? It was not that long ago where I can't not remember it. I had a slide. I was like sitting to go down a slide. That could be fun. Okay. A dirt bike?

Yeah. That's not comfortable. I really like the hammock in the woods, but I feel like you're laying. There are sitting hammocks, but when you say hammock, that's not what you think of. Right. You think of laying down. What about a race car? That would be pretty cool, I think. I don't think it would be very comfortable.

No, but neither would the rocket ship. The best places to sit aren't just how comfortable it is. It's how fun it is. Around a campfire? That's not always the most comfortable seat, but that's a great situation. My favorite that I did not draft, the Iron Throne. Oh, have you ever sat on it? Make me king.

That would be uncomfortable, but yet great. A lot of power, and I would die soon. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I mean, it yet great. A lot of power and I would die soon. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, it seems like there's injury risk there. I felt like I could get the porcelain throne and the iron throne. All right.

And I could just be kinged. I'm king of all domains. Get this bean bag out of here. What did we learn today? I learned that I want my funeral in Tahiti. What did you learn, Mike? Do you have anything? I learned that we've got to figure out this cup holder situation.

We're not building them the right size. No, they need to be adaptable. Not strong enough for today's America. Yeah, and I learned that Mike likes blackjack more than I thought he did. Oh, yes, I do. That is it for today's episode of the Spitballers. Thank you so much for following, subscribing. Back with a new episode every Monday.

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