Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 210: Exit Row Etiquette & The Best Foods To Dip In Ranch - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 19, 2022

Tune into this episode to hear all about tickle partners, salad grabbers, and “how body works”. We finish up with a draft of the best foods to dip in ranch. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I dip it, I sip it, I put it on and lick it, it's real! Oh wow. Oh wow. I dip it, I sip it, I put it on and lick it, it's ranch! Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I'm glad it ended the way it ended.

Oh, yeah, because clearly you're talking about ranch. I like it. And only ranch. Did you end it by saying it's ranch? He did. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right on the nose.

You might have passed out in the middle, but we made it through. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, we are drafting the best foods to dip in ranch on today's show. Jason opening it up with a spectacular scat. Would you rather? What's the difference as well? It's good to be back here. Al Borland in the building.

What's up, Spitwadswads episode 210 cowabunga dude very nice thanks mikey very nice instagram.com spitballers pot if you want to support this show you can go to join the spit.com and check that out let's get it going Would you rather? Peyton from Twitter says, would you rather have slightly blurry vision all the time or see everything crystal clear? Did you toss your hands up? Yeah, I tossed my hands up.

It's normal status, I think, is what he's saying. I'm used to having very blurry vision all the time. Even with glasses, my vision is slightly blurry sometimes. Let me finish it. Crystal clear, but in black and white. So you lose color or you lose focus? Okay. That's a good question.

It really is. It's not too shabby. I mean, I will say, oh, man, that's tough. At the end of days, like if it's been a long, arduous day, I've been staring at screens for hours of day, like when, if it's been a long, arduous day, I've been, you know, staring at screens for hours of work. And then later at night, I mean, my eyes just get so blurry and tired. Yeah, they're fatigued. And like watching a show on an 85-inch TV is like, this doesn't even look like right.

My point is it's a large screen. You guys are laughing at me like I'm doing some humble brag here. Like, Oh, I've got such a big TV. It was so unnecessary. No, it was. Check this out. You know, when I get home and I'm watching my big screen at home. Yeah, you could have just gone big screen.

No, you had to put the number on there just to let everybody know. Ain't no 75. Ain't no 80. When I'm sitting in my massage chair. I didn't even use my projector as the example here, Mike. What is happening? But you get a little tired also in addition I'm looking into 100 I'm I apologize for the 85 right um when in addition to

my massive television being a little bit uncomfortable to watch right it's also detail things like like um that I feel like my eyes can't see as clear as everyone else around. I'm always jealous. My wife can look at small things and see it clearly, and I can't ever see things. And I feel like my eyesight with glasses is worse than your guys' eyesight. Probably. your guys's eyesight probably would so because of those struggles would you appreciate crystal clarity on black and white everything like you you could see small things but it would be black and white man i so again the alternative here what was that movie uh pleasantville it was yeah

that's that is it where they get they get trapped inside and everything is it's like the old i mean you'd be living the old i love lucy days i mean this is andy griffith's show for life but but the alternative i i'm describing i'm describing that i don't feel like my vision is quite perfect but the alternative is not my imperfect vision it is actually everything is blurry in life so can you read in this situation like like if the alternative close slightly blurry are you gonna ever read a book uh it may be tough yeah close to your face audiobooks i could read still yeah wait wait can you read it wait do i have blurry hearing then can you read it when's the last time you read a book? With your vision now. I read often.

I mean, not whole books. Not entire books, but I read. Not whole books. I'd take in a few sentences here or there. Books are the 85-inch TV, which gets more play. in a few sentences here or there books are the 85 inch tv which gets more play i mean i'm gonna go with the 85 inch because it's so big and expensive um i don't this whole thing when is the last time and this is totally gonna backfire and obviously audiobooks don't count yeah when is the last time you for joy joy entertainment read an entire book uh i'm halfway through one right now no no no no

so i'm asking when's the last time you finished a full book finished a full bug it's been a while i'm also halfway through one i started one about 10 years ago but i say that's the line you should always read half a book and keep it on pause and set it out but the one that i started it was just a couple weeks ago, which is very slow for most readers. You know what they need to do? They need to start coming out with books where you get about halfway through and it ends, and the back half of the book is just blank pages. It just makes you feel better.

You feel so much better. It's this massive, thick book. Yeah. I read this. I read this whole thing. It's only 50 pages, real big font. And, you know, then you think you're only going halfway, and you finished it. But I have to go to crystal clear and black and white.

I couldn't live with the blurry vision all the time. I think that lack of acuity would be a problem. Now, in your eye, there's muscles somewhere in there, right? Sure. I don't think they're muscles. How do you look left and right then?'s muscles what is what is controlling the eye yeah and and i know that you're i mean it's eye muscles there's got to be right yeah i mean this should not be a debate on the show yes there's eye muscles okay how is your eyeball

looking left and right that's what i'm asking but that's not is that in the eyeball itself that's i don't know it's around the eyeball that's what you're saying like around i'm gonna find out it's gotta be in there and then like i know that the pupil is maybe it's on the outside like the pupil you know can expand the student and like what what's doing that what's making the pupil bigger how does how does body work google please tell. Why are we getting down into that world? Because I want to know if I can exercise my eyes. There are six extraocular muscles that move the globe, but I don't know if extraocular means it's outside.

I would think that means outside. You're asking if you can do up-downs with your eyes? Yes, that's what I'm asking. Oh, the lights. Yeah, can you make your eyes buff? Because your eye is an organ. It's not a... Yeah, right.

You know, your liver doesn't have muscles. But your heart is an organ, too, and that's pure muscle, baby. Is it? I thought so. It's heart muscles, yes. Is the heart a muscle? You're so good at body stuff. Okay.

Hey, school, let's figure this hey school help there's a lot of important stuff that we're not learning about your heart is actually a muscular organ okay what about my eyeballs let's find out can they be muscular you can't you've been working out that eyeball man that's what i'm asking that's a beefy eyeball can't i just listen okay and he get his eyes buff yeah and then people notice you're like whoa those eyes are here's what throws me off the muscular system is an organ system consisting of skeletal smooth and cardiac muscle so wait muscles are organs everything is muscle not everything's an organ I don't know how this works. We are going down a rabbit hole of not having knowledge. Final answer, Mike. I'm going to go. I'll take the crisp black and white.

Yeah, all right, Jason. You going crispy? I'm going with the muscles on the outside of the eyeball as my final answer. Okay, all right. I will go crispy black and white, but I'm seeing a picture now. These muscles are outside the answer. Okay. All right. I will go crispy black and white, but it does. I'm seeing a picture now. These muscles are outside the ball. Okay.

So. Good to know. How does that work then? They're connected. They move the, like when you look left. Right. It's moving the eyeball

and to point your eyeball left. But the point is that there's a muscle there that can be improved. Yeah. You could get buff outside eye muscles. Okay.

You got to work this thing out. All right. Look into this. Jenniferifer from patreon would you rather have to drink coffee right before you sleep or take a dose of melatonin right as you start the day oh that one's easy that one is easy we might be on the opposite side though oh yeah me too so this is easy for all three of us i would be taking the drink of coffee right before i go to sleep absolutely oh so then this is easy for humanity because we're united no you if you take a melatonin look melatonin works it like it always even if you have just woken up if you take some melatonin it might not make you fall asleep tired but it's going to make you real groggy i mean like taking a a dramamine at any point throughout the day your day is over it's it's toast i mean you're going to sleep very very

soon you won't be car sick anymore but because you're going to sleep and like coffee coffee actually drops me that's why i mean that's one of the reasons why people like you know that that means you have add really yeah that dead mouth checks out i mean the that's why really yeah like talk to me you are the least add person that i know there's maybe i mean the thing about that's why you your adhd is treated with a stimulant because it your body takes it backwards than people who don't have it man i feel good on coffee but yeah when you wake up it's me hard oh well that well, that's just caffeine then. Yeah.

But like my wife has ADHD, and if she drinks coffee, it doesn't give her an energy boost. Oh, you're saying it doesn't help her at all. No. Oh, yeah. It helps me a ton. Yeah. But then it drops- That's just crashing up the caffeine.

Yeah, it's just a caffeine crash. Yeah, because I can drink a Red Bull at night, and I can go to bed just fine. I mean, I'm diagnosed ADHD, so I'm aware of this. Okay. All right. Well, we all had the same answer, so I'm moving on. Deep thoughts from the website says, would you rather never be able to feel emotions or never be able to show emotions?

Well, I don't know if I get that. But if you don't feel them then you're never showing them right is that is well now will you explain to us how this might work i think jason's got it yeah it's not necessarily explained it yet well i was about to i mean there are people who don't feel emotions you know like, like the rare, like a sociopath really doesn't feel emotions, but they can convince people that they do. They might know what they're supposed to feel. I might not feel sorrow for something you're going through, but recognize logically that I should say, oh, I'm so sorry or yada yada.

But I don't experience the actual feeling. And that goes in both directions in this question. It's not just, you know moral issues this is you're never going to experience joy you're never going to be able to ouch yeah i mean that if no pain that's also sadness no depression it's right in the middle it's just easy street you know what i can't do that one. I can't do it. Nobody should be able to do that. I mean, that's taking away, I feel like, life. I mean, just put me in a coma. Yeah, but on the other side, if you're on a vacation enjoying it with your family, you're feeling like you're enjoying it, but to your family, you're a blank slate, and you look

like you're miserable. You just say, no, I'm feeling great. That's exactly. I just say, no, I'm bad at showing emotion, honey, but I'm having a thrilling time. Yeah, they'll get used to it. The problem will not be the family. The problem is the outside world that doesn't know you as a human being.

I mean, you know, we have. Funerals will be awkward for you. There are several faces that people carry that insinuate certain emotions or insinuate they're not feeling an emotion, and it changes how people react to you I would be very bad at the front row of a stand up comedian that is

hilarious I mean you couldn't even show it I mean you can't even smile right isn't a smile only come from an emotion an unforced one. Yeah, you could. I mean, you know, I've had I've been very upset and had to smile at family portraits before.

So I know you can smile while not feeling joy. That's that's for sure. So you could still do that, though. You'd still be allowed to do that. You wouldn't be feeling it, but you could fake it. Right. No, it says you can't show emotion. Yeah, that's the downside of that side. So you'll never take a picture smiling if you can't show it oh okay

you could smile man i'm confused at the laughing part would you laugh if you never felt joy no i don't think if you don't if you were tickled oh man oh man. Oh, okay. That's okay. Okay. So you just got to have a tickle partner. So a little feather. Wife gives you a little poke in the rib when it's funny. At the comic show? Yep. Somebody asked us. This is when you're supposed to laugh.

Okay. Hand me your tootsies. I really think that living without feeling any emotions. Did you say let those piggies go? Yeah, yeah. Set them piggies free. How dare you? You heard that?

Respect the phrase. Set them piggies free. Set them piggies free. Is that still going on? Yeah, it's still going on. It'll go on until the day I die. And hopefully, hopefully long after. Grandchildren, great-grandchildren.

Your piggies will truly be free. Yes, free of this world if you're if that's the thing that is passed down through your lineage and that's the only thing oh are you happy with this i'm a little disappointed like i'm happy with that singular thing it would be all my great-grandfather used to say it would be that and it would be thing that I wish all my great grandpappy used to say. It would be that and it would be, seats taken when you're in the bathroom.

That's right. I mean, that's two things. It's pretty good. Alright, Daniel from Patreon, would you rather die a hero five years from now or die a coward in 30? These are just... A coward. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen.

But we just said the sentence, what you're known for. No, but that's when you're alive. When you're gone, you're gone. Right. Who cares? I know that we, as human beings, we make a huge deal out of this. Like, how will people remember? You're gone.

It doesn't matter anymore. It's done. Like, is it really? It's important while you're alive. But then when you're gone, it's not important anymore. It might be important to other people. It might be. But not to you anymore.

Yeah, not to you. Exactly. But I just feel like that that. So would you rather be around in five years and you get the, and you're remembered as a hero? Isn't what you're remembered for. A statue was built for you. Literally yeah they build a 20 foot statue couldn't what you're remembered for impact the people after you absolutely oh yeah it's not like your kids are gonna either know their dad was the biggest coward ever couldn't that just be like it creates an alternate parallel universe

where they just become it could but they also know their father because you are alive for 30 years. Yeah, but you're a coward. Yeah, but you were a hero and you're gone now. Here's the thing. What's the worst coward thing that you could be remembered for? Like you are the first out of like a school cafeteria on fire. Like you're the first one out. You're pushing kids out of the way.

It's got to be something that other people wouldn't do. Like everyone's trying to leave the cafeteria. But what is it that's really embarrassing where, you know, you're the only one. You were the coward. Yeah, I mean, unfortunately, it's something that a lot of other people are getting hurt. And you don't because you bailed out. You shut that door behind you. You locked it.

Oh, no. You're in the exit row of the airplane, and you lied to the stewardess. You're not helping. Or the flight attendant that said, hey, are you willing to accept these? And we all say, yeah, sure. But then when it comes down to it, you have to open up the exit door, and you're the first one at the door. How are you not going through the door?

It's like you opened up. Follow me, everyone. I'll show you how to hit the slide. Me first. There's a bunch of parachutes, but I'm worried that they might not open, so I'm going to take all of them. Wait, let me ask the real question about the exit row here.

Okay. Because I'm thinking about this. Is the non-cowardice thing you're the last off the plane that not only is it non-cowardice it's what you're technically you're agreeing to let every person off before you you're agreeing to be the helper let me just say this but one i'm not the captain two that is so stupid so stupid. Three, it's actually I'm going to be in the way of shouldn't the best way to help people off the plane to be to make room? Like, I will open the door. I will get that door open.

I will make sure the slide is out. The slide is out. And then I am belly flopping out of that plane right onto that slide so that you can leave. Like, do I really want to do the thing where I'm squeezing to the side like, oh, excuse me. Excuse me. Everyone tried to get out because I was supposed to stand there. Well, no, the kids will be able to sneak by you that you're supposed to help off. I'm a pretty big guy.

At what point are you allowed to leave? Yeah, what percentage of passengers? Yeah, or how close does a fire have to be before you jump out too? Because there are three people in that row. Right? Do they all have to stay? A standard airplane row is middle aisle seat. That's a good point.

Middle aisle and window. Only one person can really help. Yeah. Probably the outside. Probably the aisle. Because the first two got to get out of the way so the aisle can... So when you're in that row... You better have a conversation. Do you need to be having an arrangement with the people in? It might be Rochambeau. Or is it

the nose goes? The nose plays. Oh, touch the nose. Everyone sits there and touches the nose saying, I am not last. I feel like window seat opens the door. And out first. And out first, absolutely. Aisle seat is going to stay behind and help people but they're the first person in the way well the the the middle the middle he's

he should they're in my way from the aisle we all need to exit the plane i think the i the i the people that are in that row they've already got to open the door that's a pretty big job how many people does it take to one of those open one of those doors one one it the door. That's a pretty big job. How many people does it take to open one of those doors? One. One. I mean, it's a door. Yeah, I think you just got to turn the handle. I'm pretty sure.

There's not like two latch keys that got to go simultaneously? Ooh, what if one was on the other door, on the other side? There's doors on both sides, right? Yeah. Okay, good. That's pretty helpful. If I jumped out early, I'd definitely go with a line, though. I'd be like, let me see how things are doing out here.

I'll test the slide. Now, do you bring like a change of clothes? Oh, so no one knows? So no one recognizes you as the coward. No, just one of those old mustache disguises. The Groucho Marx? Yeah. You get in your own line.

You throw that on, get in the line, and then you're out. Did you see that coward in the exit room? Oh, my goodness. No, you want to know what I'd be doing? I would be standing at the bottom of the slide, helping people off. You know what I mean? Like help them off the slide. Yeah.

That's fulfilling my duty. Is that what they mean by help? Can you imagine if he, if you were the first one to jump off and it just attaches the rest of the slide and that's your raft and you're the only one. Oh yeah. We're in the ocean and that's my raft. Everyone else goes down. I'll tell your story!

And then you float away to freedom. That's spectacular. Alright, we gotta move on. What's the difference between me and you? Me and you What is the difference, gentlemen? Okay Between a doodle A sketch

And a drawing This is one of the easier ones Yeah, totally agree Totally agree Go ahead, Jay This is one of the easier ones. Yeah, totally agree. Totally agree. Go ahead, Jay. Well, a doodle is free form from your mind. Yep.

You're not thinking of any picture. You're not looking at anything. No reference point. In fact, this thing doesn't even exist. Just some shapes. Yeah. I'm not doodling a portrait of you. You could doodle a stick figure.

Sure. A stick figure is a stick figure. Sure. A stick figure is a doodle. A stick figure doesn't exist. That's fair. So it's a doodle. I think that's totally fine. A sketch. Wait, so if I doodle a chair, that's not okay.

Now it's a sketch. Oh, it became a sketch. And now a sketch cannot have color in it, right? Absolutely not. Then it's a drawing. Wait, okay. No color. No color. A sketch has to be. Can you do a drawing. Wait. Okay. No color. No color.

Sketch has to be. Can you do a sketch in like a red pen? Yeah. Single. Single. Singular. Singular color. But not a paintbrush.

You cannot sketch with a paintbrush. No, of course you can't. Then it's a painting. You can't draw either with it. It's a fourth category. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I definitely think that. Can you sketch with a marker?

I don't think so. Oh, man. You need to be able to erase a sketch, don't you? How big is the – That's a good point. How big is the marker tip? Are we talking a fine point? Fine point marker.

I think with a fine – Or a Crayola washable. I feel like if it's a fine – well, a Crayola, now we're in a – oh, the washable, is that a pointier tip? It is a pretty pointy tip on us. It's a pretty pointy tip. I don't know the washable, is that a pointier tip? It is a pretty pointy tip on this. It's a pretty pointy tip. I don't know the washable ones. I feel like with that point, you're...

Yeah, you can sketch with a fine point marker. I don't think you can. I feel like a sketch has got to have some erasing. Because you have the sketch lines? Yeah. Yeah, and if you think about... You guys have ever purchased a sketchbook? Right.

Yeah. The sketch on the outside is always black and white. It is. 100% of all sketchbooks sell it as a black and white. See, this one was easy. And a drawing is nice. It's nice. It's got multiple colors.

Never been a nice sketch out there ever. Interesting. Okay. Well, so the doodle, though, can't resemble. It has to resemble something that doesn't exist. That's right. All right. though can't resemble it has to resemble something that doesn't exist that's right all right what is the difference between silverware cutlery and utensils oh i have no idea oh this is tough man these have been a lot of softballs so far but we're gonna have to dive deep on this one i mean

step one silverware gotta be so maybe that is silver yep so pure 100 so uh paul revere this is his wheelhouse paul revere was in on the silverware oh yes he was like a silver miner he was he was a smith he made it was out of silver he also told us the british were coming okay that's really the known thing though right no it's also known that he worked with silver you could pick any historical figure and say they use silverware and then make your point. No, no, not use it. He made it. Really? He made silverware. Okay, so Paul Revere invented silverware.

And Abraham Lincoln once went to the bathroom. American silversmith, Paul Revere. Okay. They were everyday people, guys. They were just like you and me. So you're saying his occupation, his job is a silversmith. I've never heard of a silversmith before. Well, because you didn't live in the 1700s.

Did he do the whole horse ride? Is that a marketing thing for his brand? I believe a lot of that was played up by the creation of the poem. And who was the guy that ratted him out? Who was the traitor? Benedict Arnold? that's not connected no i know that i know that but i'm testing something here okay benedict arnold what was his occupation because you seem to know a lot that he was in the army he was a general

yeah he also sold some cutlery on the side i mean is this common knowledge that paul reveres i thought it was not to me i mean all, anything Mike knows is considered common knowledge in Mike's mind. Well, here's the thing. Because to him, it's common. Yeah, I know it. Utensils feel very much like thrown together. Can they be plastic? Oh, certainly

can be plastic. Utensils go way beyond the normal spectrum of silverware. Silverware is forks, knives, spoons, utensils. I mean, right? Like if I've got a pizza cutter, is that not a utensil? A spatula. It is.

Or like a salad grabber. Exactly. These are all utensils. Thank you. I'll bet a silversmith has a ton of utensils. Oh, for sure. Maybe some to make the silverware. Cutlery, to me, must involve sharp knives.

Right? Oh, yeah, because it cuddles. Because it cuddles? Not cuts? No, cuddles. Okay. It's cutlery. It cuddles.

Can cutlery be plastic? I feel like cutlery, you have to be able to do this with it. Oh, where you act like you're sharpening the knife. Yeah, thank you. And it's making a ching ching sound. I really don't know what cutlery is, if I'm honest. I think you're onto it. It involves cutting. It can't be. It's knives. Yeah, knives alone. Yeah, so cutlery is just pure knives. Do you have any cutlery? Is that, Al, are you with us on this?

That is equivalent to saying, do you have a knife on you? It is, but fancy. Maybe a series of them. If you say, do you have any cutlery, and someone comes out with a butter knife, if you're carving a turkey. You then say, do you have any cutlery on the set? You say, excuse me, plebe, do you have any cutlery? Yeah, if you're doing the Thanksgiving, carving the turkey,

you don't say, give me the silverware. You don't say give me the utensils. You say, do you have any fine cutlery? Yes, you do. That's right. Okay. What's the difference between a speech, a talk, and a presentation? A presentation must have slideshows.

Yeah, PowerPoint. A slideshow. Do people still PowerPoint? I think they do. They do. Is there a different program? Oh, they hardcore PowerPoint still. I think.

Does PowerPoint still have a monopoly on the presentation market? The Apple one. They do the keynote. Yeah, keynotes have really gotten big. Oh, yeah. They do? What do you think? What do you think?

People aren't doing presentations anymore, Mike? Well, I thought it was all on PowerPoint. I also think you can be analog here. You could have an easel with uh you know a piece of paper it has to have a display you could it just has a presentation without a display now we're talking about a speech or a talk what do they call the things that used to uh in school when we were diorama no no when you grew up and they've shown the light through the like slide oh the uh projector yes it's also called a projector is it

yep yeah it is um all right that's a little thought i had a better name than that whatever overhead projectors thank you very much that's so much different yeah because it wasn't because it's an overhead process now a speech and a talk what is the line between a talk and a speech i mean is a talk very casual do you move your hands a lot and a speech. What is the line between a talk and a speech? I mean, is a talk very casual? Do you move your hands a lot? And a speech you have to be holding onto a podium? Podium. For the speech.

So you can't give a speech without a podium. That is. You have to have something. At the very least, a microphone on a stand. Like, I feel like you can give a speech with a microphone on a stand. You need to refer to notes. If you take the microphone off the stand and you can walk around and have freedom, this is more of a talk. I feel like if there's...

Ooh, I agree. If there's nowhere for your notes... Right. Then it's just a talk. Which infers you need a podium. Perhaps a table of a proper height. Now, the one thing that is... I'm trying to really see if a microphone stand is good enough for a speech

but you can't you can't pound it you know what i mean you can't hit it i feel like when you're given a oh right yes you have to be able to hit something uh you know you wear shorts for a speech is that allowed oh well are you behind a podium so are you in the bahamas no probably not they don't do speeches out there that's true they only do talks in the bahamas that's all they allow sir are you trying to give a speech i keep it short please and move your hands a lot it is implied that you are not wearing shorts but i think you can get away with it if the podium is big enough flip-flops it's kind of the same thing i'm sorry it's a matter of what's your path to the podium because big enough. Flip-flops? It's kind of the same thing. I'm sorry. It's a matter of what's your path to the podium.

Because if you're coming from stage right, you've got to walk across the stage. You've got to be dressed nice. But if you're coming straight from behind the podium for your speech, I think you could go flip-flops. People could see you from the sides. You would have to come up from the ground. It's a very narrow room here, Mike.

When the president speaks to the nation, what is that? Like from the desk. Oh, no. Because they're sitting down. And does a teleprompter allow it to become a speech? Yes, that's allowed for a speech. Yeah, because that's a place for your notes. Yeah, it's the same thing.

Do you think there's ever been a president that had absolutely nothing on under the jacket top while they gave one of those speeches? Like the Zoom meetings? Yeah. Probably. You know how hot it used to get in there? Do you think they'd say, like, watch this, and then they go and they sit down and then they just do the speech? They usually, I think my understanding is when they've done that, they don't go in without, you know, pants on. They take them after they're sitting down right they take

them off because it gets warm it gets a little hot do you think it's a running competition between the presidents who can do the most yeah who could be the least clothed for a public address now you're just being ridiculous uh what is the difference between a disaster a calamity, and a catastrophe. Okay. A disaster feels like it's got to be natural. I don't think so. I've heard of this natural disaster thing. Well, let's run through a few things.

Let me bring up something that could happen, and you tell me if all three fit or not. Okay. A hurricane ravages a coastal town. I mean, a disaster that can't be a catastrophe no i mean it can cause a catastrophe it could be catastrophic but it itself is a disaster the catastrophe i think it's a catastrophe the catastrophe though is it man-made? You're saying the catastrophe is the result and the disaster is the actual thing that's happening? That's what I'm trying to give a talk about. What on God's good earth is a calamity?

A calamity is when something goes wrong, but it's funny. That's right. Really? Yeah. 100%. When you're not involved. If you're in the middle of a calamity, it is a catastrophe. But if you are on the outside of the catastrophe and it's funny, it's a calamity.

So if Jason rear-ended a car that rear-ended a car that rear-ended a car that rear-ended a car, that would be a calamity to Mike and I that Jason went through? Yeah, but for me it was a catastrophe. Right. Yeah, assuming that... And if Jason got trapped and then as he got out of the car, his trousers ripped off, then it would be a true calamity for us. Now, out of curiosity, which of these three would you say hiring Al Borland fits?

Is that a calamity? We're inside of it, so it can't be a calamity. It's not a calamity to us. More of a disaster? I really feel this. I think it's a catastrophe. Brooks from the outside, is this kind of a calamity? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, see, it's funny. All right, good. Time to draft. We did it. We did it. The Spitballers draft. So when we fire him, to him, that's a disaster. To us, it's a joy.

Which means calamity. Yeah. We did it. To his wife, because she's on the outside of it. Right. Fight the calamity, you suffered husband. Are you going to get a new job? Now, if an earthquake takes down the office and he loses his job that way,

that's a gray area. Okay. For all of us, really. Yes. Grave area. Best foods to dip in ranch dressing, which is one of my favorite things to do. In fact, I prefer ranch as a dip to almost any other dip on the planet. Likewise. Likewise. I prefer ranch as a dip to almost any other dip on the planet uh likewise likewise I I think that

um there's there's gonna be a lot of things we draft today that um it's really tough what I'm sitting here with the first pick and there are things I love to dip in ranch but I I'm struggling between like there are some things that I only like or especially like with ranch. Okay. You know what I mean? I don't really like them without ranch. And so that makes the ranch part of this more important. But I don't actually like that thing more than the other thing in the ranch.

It makes perfectly good sense what you just said. Now, there's going to be a lot of haters out there for this draft. And silence. Okay, all right. I'm just saying that the ranch haters out there, it's nonsense. Ranch is delicious. It goes with oh so many things, as you will find out through this draft. And it's great. Yeah, and I would encourage you, while we tell you shut up.

No, no, I said a kind. Well, yeah, you said a kind. I'm not quite as kind. I'm just saying shut your mouth about anti-ranch takes. But I'm asking them to go further. I'm asking them to change their opinions. Get in on it, man. It's great.

Drink some ranch. Well, I don't know about that. Just down some ranch. Out of curiosity, top of your head, best ranch? Restaurant. Restaurant. I mean, there is no. I mean, I've gone to some restaurants where I am expecting house, restaurant, ranch, and I get a dilly ranch.

It's very dilly. There's a lot of dill in it. I don't like the dill. See what I'm saying? You don't want, like, the, you know, if you're getting this off a normal grocery aisle the hidden valley like gross yeah it's not i mean compare it comparatively yes but still good still better than dry generally speaking at the grocery store if it comes out of a refrigerated section delicious if it's in the aisle where it can just live for eternity it's still ranch but it's not as good. All right.

I was struggling between two things, but I got to go with the Pinnacle, the one that is just the best. It's delicious. I'm taking pizza and ranch. It is the 101. Debatable. Ooh. Okay.

It is a little bit debatable. It is debatable. I was between two. Even the man who took the 101. Didn't you just say it was clear? Well, i know this was my pick but i debated internally i i was between two for the 101 and and it was pizza and my pick which is wings okay that's fine wings without ranch are just a shell of themselves i mean there's just nothing that makes them like Like pizza, this is where he struggled.

This is exactly. You're seeing me. I see it. If I'd eat either one without the ranch, I'd rather eat the pizza without the ranch than the wings without the ranch. Exactly. Okay. I see it now.

But I do think that they're both right there at the one-on-one. I'm glad I didn't have the third pick. That'd be embarrassing. Oh, what a bad pick that's going to be. Mike, you're up. Well, to me, there was the clear top two picks, but then there was kind of their own tier. And so, I mean, I get them both.

Number one, we will go with French fries. Yeah, I had dreams of that coming back to me. No, that was not happening. And then there's the last one. Chicken nuggies. Yeah. Yeah, baby. Chicken nuggets andies. Yeah. Yeah, baby. Chicken nuggets and ranch.

Absolutely. I mean, imagine being the people who are like, ranch is gross. Put a chicken nugget in the ranch, man. It's delicious. I think ranch. Mike does tour and promote Big Ranch. I think ranch is better on chicken strips than chicken nuggets. Same.

Same. I know it's the same, but I would have drafted strips. Do you want chicken tenders? Chicken fingers? They're all the same thing. Those are great picks. And for not having the first or second pick, you got quite the tandem.

There was a second tier, and I think I got them both. I'm going with tater tots. Really? I'm going with tater tots and ranch. I know the tater tot doesn't really get out much. It should. It's great. The tater tot's great, but it's a similar principle as the fries, obviously.

Yeah, yeah. I think it's delicious and ranch. So, Jason, you have a couple of picks. I have a— I also might not have enough picks. Well, we'll find out a rule I kind of try to live by is if a if a restaurant offers tater tots or or deviled eggs. Yep. Generally, I try to get them because it's it's a little bit different. Tater tots are not everywhere. They are very good.

They did it on purpose, but they put it on everywhere. Exactly. They're not they're not like I don't know how to make deviled eggs. Let's put that in my restaurant. You know, the menu. But they're just not everywhere. Exactly. They're not like, I don't know how to make deviled eggs. Let's put that in my restaurant. Or, you know, tater tots are just so simple. You know they're doing something with the seasoning on those tots if it's at a restaurant. Or they're just getting them out of the freezer and they're cooking them up. Still great. And they're going to be good because they're tater tots.

All right. I know my next one. My next one is easy. My next one is onion rings. Onion rings are... Okay, it's on my list. Andy's list is onion rings. Onion rings. Okay. It's on my list. Andy's list is depleted. That is one of those items that I don't really enjoy alone.

Sans ranch. And with ranch, it's elite. Delay time. Onion rings do need a sauce. Onion rings do need a sauce. Now this is a tough, precarious situation I'm in. There's a drop off here. Yeah, there's I'm in. There's a drop-off here. Yeah, there's a tear break.

There's a tear break. But I have found something that is true, which is when things are fried and they are hot, you put it in ranch and it's just out of this world. So I'm taking mozzarella sticks. It's on my list and very very it would have been my absolute next pick if you are if you haven't done this you got it they're like dual would you like marinara sauce and you go yes but i would also like ranch and then you go

you go in the marinara then you go on the ranch i've been there brother you double double oh yeah man ranch is great also also i used to give my wife the hardest time about this but it's just really great you go because you got the french fries you go the ketchup and then you go the ranch that's fine it's great all right you i Good picks. Double fried. Yeah. Who will step into the world of plants? It's going to be me because I'm almost out of items. I'm going to say carrots. Carrots.

Yeah, okay. It's the numero uno vegetable for the ranch. Yes, it is. Other vegetables work with the ranch. Yeah. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to eat a plain vegetable. But carrots and ranch, that's like- It thing it's a it's its own thing and i think a big part of that is the carrot is very conducive to the ranch dipping if you eat a carrot holds on without

ranch oh god you chew that thing forever it just turns into it's bubble gum turns into pieces of fiber in your mouth that will never be satisfied. Because your throat's trying to reject it. It's like, no, man. Is this a plant? Yeah. But you put it in. Trick me.

Trick me that this is not a plant. You put it in a little ranch. Easy peasy. Okay. I went there. All right. I went to the carrots. I thought you might grab this. Also fried tasty treat. I went to the carrots. I thought you might grab this also fried tasty treat.

I will take potato skins. It was next. And I'm in big trouble. I'm in big, big trouble for this next pick. I'm a little surprised because I would have gladly taken carrots had potato skins not been readily available to me. I thought it would get back to me. I thought you were living in your fry world and you'd let another potato go. I just want you to somehow answer quick enough to where Andy is out.

Just out and struggling live in the moment. All right. Well, with my final pick, I'm going to also delve into the world of produce. It's not carrots, but this is my second go-to when the veggie tray is available. And I will go with the broccoli. Yeah. Yeah. Well.

Well, Andy's out of options. Yeah, let's just throw that away. Just quickly go through the veggie tray, man. Can I interest you in some grapes? Can I get away with cheese curds here? Oh, that was my next. Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

Yes, cheese curds. Dang it. That was my next pick. It's not even on my list. Jason was going to go back-to-back mozzarella sticks and cheese curds. Yeah, I mean, it's fried cheese, but it's a different shape. Oh, it's totally legal. I'm dumb for not having it on my list

oh that i needed some cheese in my picks you know what really really stinks about that man they're so good am i back on the clock you betcha you gotta close i'm done okay so i just wanted to enjoy your celery it's all that's left no celery is on my list wait wait wait okay i'm gonna be able to draft this one this this will be fun i didn't think i'd be allowed because someone would be upset that i took this even though it is totally a different thing it's even much further away from uh cheese curds and mozzarella sticks but the person that would be upset they're like oh you stole i already have this is me so i'm not upset i'm taking pizza rolls baby we have them all the time in our house sure yeah yeah we cook up those pizza rolls and i do i mean those things are nuclear on the inside yeah if you don't dip that thing in

ranch you are burning you're going to the hospital 100 okay you're going pizza rolls pizza and pizza rolls uh jason got pizza rolls, onion rings and mozzarella sticks I thought you were going to go just straight up A cheese stick Because if you haven't Just a plain old cheese stick If you haven't taken a fresh mozzarella stick And gone into the ranch

You're missing out You can do that? There's no rules I thought that was illegal Mike you went with french fries, chicken tenders, potato skins and broccoli You could do that? Oh, there's no rules. I thought that was illegal. I'm going to be trying that today. They don't come and lock you up for that? Mike, you went with French fries, chicken tenders, potato skins, and broccoli. I got wings, tater tots, carrot sticks, and cheese curds. I do have a one more thing popped into my head.

Okay. And it's a good time. I mean, not surprisingly. But a grilled cheese in ranch is actually quite delicious. My list, I had sliders. Oh, yeah. That's a great pick. I would say a burger.

You can't do that as easily. Because you have to get a bite in. Yep. You can't take a fully formed burger and start the dipping process because it's too large. They haven't made dip cups that big. No, they haven't. They should, but they haven't. Once you're a bite in, as long as you scientifically and strategically place your bites,

you can do it. Well, the better option for that and where I could have gone is a spicy chicken sandwich because those, they start hanging out. Yeah, yep. You got the one edge.

You can start, it's dippable. Yeah. Man, I could really go for some ranch right now. Ranch is a good time. It's a great time. Anything we missed over there al celery i do like celery and ranch yeah and and peppers i really like like jalapeno poppers no not i mean

those those sound like they would be good for did you mention something that was deep fried what about calamari do you do that oh what a great missing pick calam Calamari's so good in ranch. Just go to the state fair, look around, everything that is there can go into ranch. I'll say fried pickles as well. Oh, what about fried zucchini? Just pop some breading on something, throw it in oil, and then throw it in ranch. We did the fried Oreos the other day. Those are very good. I've never done it.

That's pretty intense on the old body, man. You feel like you're having a breakdown? That's a tough time. I mean, it tastes all good and everything, but it hits like a ton of bricks, man. It's like a deep fried Oreo. Al did make an interesting point because we drafted a ton of potato-y foods. Yeah.

Potato skins, fries, tater tots. And then he brought up hash browns. Hash browns in ranch seems like you can't do it. Illegal. No. Because for the most part, it's because they're all stringy. Take a McDonald's hash brown. Oh, that's a good time.

It's the form factor fits. I mean, that's a tater tot. Yes. Part of it's the dippableness, right? You're not putting it on top. I mean, you could dip the fork into the ranch and then eat, and it would be delicious, but it's just doesn't feel right. Yeah, we didn't draft salad.

Ranch is great on a salad, but that's not a dip. All right. Good point. What did we learn today? I learned today that ranch is best with fried things. I learned about the whole silversmith thing with Paul Revere. Did you not read Giant's Remain? Correct.

See, Mike, we read things. We forget them. All right. You remember them. His hand got stuck together because of the silver. I learned that. I learned that his hand got stuck together because of the silver. I learned that. I learned that his hand got stuck together. And then he couldn't shoot his gun.

And then he couldn't shoot his gun. I learned that the person who sits window on the airplane, their job is actually to beat the first person out. Proof of concept. Proof of concept, yeah. I mean, just make sure it's safe for everybody. All right. That is it for Al Borland, Judge Giamatti, Jason, Mike, Andy.

Farewell. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. We'll see you next time.