Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 212: Fart Decibels & Songs We Are Embarrassed To Like - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

This episode is packed. We discuss roller coasters vs. water slides, dragon features we’d want, and being tall and skinny vs. short and ripped. Then we dive into our 20th Liar, Liar segment. Is today the day? Lastly we polish it off with a draft of songs that we are embarrassed to like. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-beat-up, sweet-up, bop-a-da-bop-boop. I beat up, sweet up, bop-a-da-bop-boop. I actually really liked that one. That was one of the rare scats that I liked the ending more than the beginning. Like the beginnings, they start strong. The ends, they fade out.

But the volume, the intensity, it improved over time. I am like a reverse locomotive. Bobbity bop boop. Usually with the scats. A little bit of Satchmo in there. You had some... A little. Did I get growly?

You look growly voice. Welcome into the Spitballers. Episode 212. Assuming Al actually updated the number here. I did. We never know. While he is here, Al actually updated the number here. I did. We never know. While he is here, Al's in the building. What's up, Spiwats?

Not wearing flannel today. Very disappointing. Phoenix in the summer. What are you even doing back there? You're being really intense on the computer. Oh, I was just finalizing some stuff in the doc. Yeah. Okay.

We got liar, liar on today's show. Yeah. He's sweating this liar, liar. Cause he knows we're winning today. I just like, I mean, his job usually is pay attention to the podcast and then like, you know, get things moving along. Just make sure everything's are going. But back there, I don't, I don't know, man.

That was the look of a man. Something weird was going on. He's cheating. He's fabricating information back there. Doing some, uh, some portfolio work back there. I don't know man. It was the look of a man. Something weird was going on. He's cheating. He's fabricating information. Doing some some portfolio work back there. What's going on now. The market's closed. OK. All right. Would you rather another shot at beating out liar liar today. Today's the day I feel it 2 1 2. It takes 212 because I feel it. 212? No. It takes 212 episodes. That's good because I feel like it's impossible. We're drafting songs you're embarrassed to like on today's show. So the guilty pleasure song, the secret. Oh, that song. That song sucks.

Oh, wait. Secretly, you're listening on your AirPods. I'm going to be drafting songs I'm supposed to be embarrassed. Right. I think that is probably more what it is no shame it's like people don't like that yes we do yeah yes we do yeah we got some bangers all right let's uh kick it off would you rather calvin from the website says would you rather be five foot two inches tall

and incredibly shredded okay or six feet six inches tall and skinny interesting um man that's the skinny doesn't seem that bad to me and i i get it like you know if you're we all what we we all want what we don't have that's right right so i'm sure for all the tall skinny guys out there i apologize that i think you don't have it too bad um but i i don't i don't you know like five foot two is short. That is what is it? Average is like what? Five, 10. I was going to say five,

eight for a, for a male. Yeah. I'm sure I'll, I'll compel himself away from whatever app, a candy crush saga he was playing and look that up. That level, that level three,

15 is a doozy. Google's telling me five, six, but that sounds, that sounds like five, six for a male, 5'2 for a female. Is that from the census in 1912? Look, I've sat in old theaters. I know that people used to be a lot smaller.

When we used to live in castles. I think 5'9", I'm seeing from the CDC. That's more believable. Yeah, that's more believable yeah that's that's uh that's interesting i know that i think recently al posted the distribution of heights that men oh yeah said when they were given a survey which was hilarious yes because there was a uh it went like 5 10 a bunch of people were very firm on 5 10 then like 5 11 was way lower and then six foot was high so it's like clearly some people were rounding it was a perfect like camel hump over to where the median should be except there's

this huge dip at 511 because all the 511 dudes are like no no no no no no no no no i'm six feet tall and that should have been the peak of that chart like the right should have been 511 the majority of people are 5 11 but no they they say that they're six foot i i am actually 5 11 yeah and you've always well as long as i've known you pretty much said you're 5 11 yeah so you've been honest um same height as al so the what I have, like, I am, I'm six feet tall. Andy, you're, you're like six, two, six, six, three is what I say. So I have, uh, I've had that question before. Like I was, uh, years and years ago, uh, hanging out and there's just, and a bunch of girls

are like, well, how tall are you? Like, well, I'm six foot. And they're like, yeah, but how tall are you really? I mean, not that i'm i'm short i'm a taller guy but they're like everyone always lies about their height and i'm like what so maybe this was news to me because the six footers the real six footers they get now the 511s have ruined it for them yes everybody at six feet actually thinks they're lying except mike is lying because you're you are not six foot1". You are 6'1".

You're 6'1". I'm almost 6'1". Well, here's the deal. I was shocked by that. The reason I brought that up is I'm 6'3". 3% of the population are 6'3". I thought it was much higher than that. I didn't think that was rare.

Well, I mean, from up here, you know, things just, this looks horrible up here. The world looks like me. 5'2 is way too short. I couldn't go from 6'3 to 5'2 just to get shredded. I'm already skinny. Just give me three more inches. Make me tall. Yeah, but shredded.

Yeah, I know, but shredded at 5'2 is like. The only purpose that serves is getting in fights. You know what I mean? purpose that serves is getting in fights you know what i mean like you're you're going to be angry at your situation in life but you're going to be able to succeed in fights i feel like you're going to just be a brawler like a shredded napoleon exactly yeah i mean you're you're basically people will look at you and they won't say what hard work that was to get shredded they will say he's compensating for the fact he's only five foot if napoleon were shredded yeah would he have had the complex um i think he just would have done

more with it i think maybe probably one more worse the shredded doesn't make you not look up at everybody around you and that's really what it does we're killing the short people right now well it's not i mean it is what it is the question was posed and i look i'm going six six skinny final answer i think that uh i think that the short people out there would say i want to be the skinny six foot six guy see i mean look if you're five two and you're shredded though like you could set i mean the thirst traps that you could put online. Oh, because you'd look? Yeah.

Oh, no, that'd be such a bait and switch. But you could be an IG model. Your picture's basically, you know, you look really, you know, cut and handsome. And like a. Because you are. Yeah. I mean, those things aren't true. Yes, you are. You are.

You're just, you're not a tall person. You're just not a tall person. You're Tom Cruise. Yeah. Tom Cruise never looks small on the screen. Well, because he's got his Apple box that he stands on. Right, he's definitely, yes. Apple box.

All right, so Mike, what's your final answer on that one? I mean, I'm going to be the tall person. Jason, tall? Oh, for sure. All right. I'm going to dunk. Jazzy from Patreon. I know.

I know where you're going i think i think with no no jason would be fine i'm saying with my jumping prowess right at six six i would be that tall person who can't dunk and it would be it'll be terrible yeah there's a certain height where if you can't dunk still yes it's a problem. Is it 6'6"? Yeah, that's probably it. If you're 6'6". Well, no, I think it's 6'8". I think it's 6'8". 6'8 should be able to dunk.

Because you should be able to just touch the rim standing up. How tall is the rim? Is that a joke? That's not a joke. I'm not a basketball dork. Basic rules? If you said, what is a baseball bat, I would still say, what's wrong with you? Yeah, that seems insane.

I didn't say, what's a rim? I said, how tall is it? No, I know, but to me, that just is like such common knowledge. Yeah, basketball dork. Oh, yeah. Nice son's hat, Mike. Oh, crap. I've been exposed.

Jazzy from Patreon. What which dragon feature would you rather have. Oh here we go. The ability to fly the cool stuff or the ability to. Yeah this ain't no dorky conversation. The ability to fly or the ability to breathe fire. Those are the two. Those are the two I want. Of from a dragon? Yeah, from a dragon. Okay, well, I got to ask this question then. If this is a dragon feature, does that presume that I have wings? Yes.

Because a dragon's not Superman flying, whatever the rules of that are. Correct. You have dragon wings. Okay, but I can tuck them away. I can tuck them away, right? Sure. As much as a dragon can. Well, you can hold them down. They're not secret wings.

Right. But then you're saying I have to have ginormous wings because dragon wings are huge. Proportional to your body. Yeah. I mean, I see Mike's point. It's like there is a downside to having wings. I guess it's just the feature, right? It's just the feature of being able to fly versus the feature of breathing fire.

Can I flap my arms instead of dragging wings? That would be exhausting. And you would look so stupid. That would be bad. Would people make fun of you? Absolutely. You're the only person in the world that can fly. Look at that dummy.

Fly with his arms. You'd'd be embarrassed you'd never fly you'd never use your gift that feels like a children's shame that really feels like a children's the boy who could fly the boy who could fly but he gets bullied for being able because he has to flap his wings right and then you realize at the end you can fly so you're awesome yeah everybody could, but they never were willing to try. I think we're on to something here. I know. Let's write it, Mike. The fire one, it's like the breathing fire for a dragon is destruction.

You cause destruction with it. It's awesome if you need to cause destruction. Otherwise, it's really, I mean, what? You doing a quick barbecue? I mean, I'm not sure what the big perk is. Yeah, I mean, it's really, I mean, what, you doing a quick barbecue? I mean, I'm not sure what the big perk is. Yeah, I mean, it's a cool novelty. Like, I want to start my campfire. Yeah.

Check this out. Now, question about the dragon fire. Okay. Is this like, because I think there's a few schools of how does the fire work. Now, is this like a flamethrower? Yes. Where there know a type of liquid that's coming out that is ignited so it's i mean that's super deadly because if you hit somebody then the liquid's getting on them and you're gonna it's gonna be very difficult to put it out

or is it just a off fire and no it's my breath is pushing it forward because this is from this isn't just you can breathe fire. This is what dragons do, and dragons actually have the liquid. So that is a scientific fact. Is that from the made-up? From Reign of Fire, the documentary, which was awesome. A shout-out. It's a really good doc.

It is very good. I mean, how else could you really project fire well if i'm saying without a liquid you if there's a fire i mean imagine like just a strong wind moving fire yeah that's a flame thrower this is a flame thrower if i was that's what the question is here's more clarity on dragon Breath. If there was a box of wood out in front of me and I breathe fire into that, it does not just catch on fire. Yeah. It breaks.

Okay. It gets destroyed. There's a force with it. Absolutely. It's been hit with a bomb. Yeah. So, yeah. And so, because that's really powerful, I will still take flying.

Yes, I will too. Because of course I will. I will fly with a flamethrower. Yeah, just buy one. I will buy one and I will fly with it. I think about these things from time to time. Usually when you're road raging, because I think of the, now I'm not going to be able to think of the movie,

but it's a found doc a found doc that's how it's or found footage film and they end up becoming superheroes now they become superheroes uh someone look this up look someone look this up for me and two of them one of them ends up becoming evil and that's chronicle chronicle that is it and he does this there's someone tailgating him and the guy who's kind of turning just getting absorbed by his powers just wipes his hand and sends that car off the road. And you're like, man, if

I had those powers, how many times in the fit of rage where you're just so mad and you have the ability to do that, do you accidentally just give in to the rage and you send someone's car off and you go, oh, no.

I don't think that would happen on the road, but I worry for my children. You know what I mean? I just go to bed. Those aspects of life. And that's what I mean by if you can breathe fire and you get to those points, as all humans do, where you lose it because you're so mad. And you can just. You can't take that accident back. You can't take that one back.

You can't unburn. Oh, I'm sorry. I yelled fire in your face. Now, see, the other problem is that if you're a dragon and you've got this breathing of fire, generally when you see them portrayed with this ability, they're withstanding an onslaught of arrows. But if I have this ability... This is a good point. If I have this ability, I'm still getting shot by the gang.

Yeah, and you're done. If I'm in an alleyway and I'm like, oh yeah, and then I start to try to breathe fire and they just shoot me... You're like, hold on. Yeah, I mean, it's like... You're trying to take a huge fire and they just shoot me. You're like, hold on. Yeah. I mean, it's like a huge breath. I need the scales. If you'd given me the scales and the scales could deflect bullets.

That's a third one. But you only get one feature. I only get the scales? Or the armor. I think you'd be made fun of for the scales. I'm going to be honest with you. People are not going to like the way you look with all those scales. The other thing that the dragons don't have is criminal consequences for their destruction.

There's no dragon jail. No one is arresting a dragon and saying, you just burned down that house. You can't do that, drags. That's not happening. But if I were to do this and be like, look how cool this is. I took that grocery store out. I'm going to. I'm going to, um, drags. Yeah.

Yeah. It's just me and my, me and my bud. Um, I'm going to go with flying. Yeah, we all will. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Fly boy from Patreon says, would you rather go on the world's best roller coaster or the world's best water slide? Ooh. Um, that's easy. See, I'm taking the water slide oh um that's easy see i'm taking the water slide and that's because you've never been on the world's best water slide wait wait is that bad you've been oh brother you've been wait what makes it best because that's subjective okay not longest or like all right that's dangerous that is subjective but i have been on uh i believe on the north half of the planet i don't know northern hemisphere thank you i don't read well i don't remember what it was but it was

were you just scaling down the planet for us like i know this water slides somewhere on the north of the whole world i've got well they advertise it as the tallest, I think it is the northern hemisphere. It's the tallest water slide in the northern hemisphere. The best water slide west of the Mississippi, but east of California and just south of Nevada. So while that is a good gag for demeaning this water slide. You went on this thing. Let me tell you guys guys this thing is a problem first of all there's no elevator you are walking upstairs for an eternity that has nothing to do

with the slide though trust me it does having done this by the time you get up there you are winded you are tired and you are terrified sounds like you're excited to get in some water because you're hot and sweaty so let's say and i was i was excited to go on this water slide and my children went first and i see them get down at the bottom as little ants oh boy and then i go next and you gotta wrap your arms across your legs and you go and at first it was pretty fun okay at first it was like this is great look at this and then at some point which seems like long into the the water slide but it wasn't it was right at the beginning apparently because it lasts forever you pick up so much speed that i couldn't breathe i could not literally take a breath of air i was traveling so fast

in this tube and all i was doing is trying to think like i'm like counting in my head like try to take a breath and hold my breath as i am what getting crushed with water i'm telling you this was terrifying all my goal was was to survive i just wanted to live at the bottom and i get out at the bottom and my kids are waiting there my My wife is behind me. And I go, oh. And I was like, oh, she is not going to like this ride. Spoiler alert, she did not enjoy that ride. That thing, I mean, you just keep picking up more and more and more and more speed when it's that tall. And it was absolutely soul crushing. So, I mean, I would, and and i'll propose maybe that's not the best

water slide in the world that's that is fair if you feel like you're going to die drown on the water slide that might be marked as a negative and there might be better water slides but then that makes me realize that the best water slide in the world the actual most fun one probably isn't that cool. It's probably just one we've all been on before. It's like, ah, that was pretty fun. That's the best. That's the pinnacle.

Because you get too fun. Yeah. There's price to be paid. I've been on one, what I'll call extreme water slide in my life. And it was a involuntary enema. Oh, yeah. The one that is just straight down. And the only way that that engineering can stop the human body from moving is to jettison as much water up your rectum as possible

and use the water on the inside to slow your momentum down. Yeah. In which case, every single person who gets off of that slide, first, see if you're naked. Yes. Second of all, pull whatever part of your swimsuit out of your butt that you can. Yep. Most of it's inside of you at that point.

And then wobble away. Just wobble off and say you survived. I looked it up. It was called Daredevil's Peak. It's 135 foot tall tower. And it didn't seem so bad until I was on it. Really? Yeah.

So was this one that's just a drop? No, no, no. It was a twirly. There's twists and turns. Okay. Spiral. Okay. Yeah.

But there's a jet engine on your back, apparently. Well, here's the deal. Did they like- Mass. When you do the calculation for acceleration, my weight might come into play on how fast I could get up to. My children, I'm sure, did not have too hard a time. All right. It's 135 feet tall. That's how far you walked up that's intense

did you do it you didn't do it again i'm assuming that was a one for me now the kids that have a good time with the less mass yes they very much enjoyed it okay so what about a roller coaster though i love roller coasters i uh my son is, there's literally nobody on planet earth that cares more about roller coasters than my son. My son is just a teenager and he knows the names of every manufacturing company. He's watched their personal manufacturing documentaries on these companies. He builds roller coasters. Is he going to engineer?

Yeah, I hope so. All right. That's good money you got him on uh roller coaster tycoon uh yeah he's got all the roller coaster uh games but um i i have to like i would be betraying my son if i chose the water slide over the best roller coaster because the best roller coaster will be built by him oh that's that's so nice of you can you still go on them yeah no i can't i i don. I don't get motion sickness or problems with – well, sometimes I don't fit.

So there's – other than that, other than that – and let me tell you something. Like, we make fun of my weight from time to time, and I'm built a little differently. Like, I don't just look generically like a super overweight. You've got like a dense mass. Yes, I'm very dense.

And it's all around the midsection. And so. Don't discredit your legs. You got thick legs. I got thick legs. Thick boy calves. But, yeah, I have never felt worse about weight than when- Oh no, you got turned away?

Well, you- Did you have to get out? I've had to get off a roller coaster before. Oh no. Absolutely. No, you- No, Jason. Oh no.

If you think you've had- Six, six and skinny, please. A walk of shame in your life. Oh no. Yeah. You've had to do that oh yeah and that comes you apologize that comes only after trying with maximum effort was this over harness yeah yeah is it yeah you

it won't sir it needs to go further it can't go further just one click at a time yeah one click at a time we need three more clicks i will die pull it up i'm out of here oh no yeah i'm assuming you're leaving some kids behind to finish the oh they yeah they can travel by themselves at this point. I'm leaving the park immediately. Sir, we're going to escort you out of the premises. Do they at least give you like a front of the line pass to some other ride? No, they said you probably won't fit there either, fatty. Oh, no.

No. Wow. Where was this? Knott's Berry Farm. Oh. Wait, the fried chicken place? Yes, the fried chicken place. What are you doing? I go to Disneyland a million times.

I didn't even think about not being able to fit in a ride ever because it's never been even in question. But apparently some of these rides at Knott's, they're a little smaller. Wow. Or I've just gotten way bigger. I mean, they're fitting people out of their rides with their food. Right. It's a real problem. Oh, man.

I guess I'm going to ultimately go with the roller coaster in the end because even though I don't like roller coasters, good roller coasters are smooth, exhilarating. They bring something new. I think the pinnacle of roller coaster has to be higher than the pinnacle of water slides. And based on my enema experience at a water slide, I do think that that water slide may have been built by a child as well. So your son has a shot.

The pinnacle of water slides is like medium. If I'm the one who can say what the best roller coaster is because i i can't do old man mike with whatever inner ear stuff i got going on i can't do g-forces anymore it just i feel like i'm gonna you i feel like i'm gonna pass on to the next you really upset me with roller coasters because I know that you used to love that. Oh, yeah. When you were like, my son cares more. Back in the day, I lived for roller coasters.

See, and I knew this. And so I think about it all the time. I think about the fact that you can't do roller coasters anymore because I enjoy roller coasters. And I think like, oh, if I enjoy it now, I can always do it. But you learned that you can't always do it. So you cherish it. Yeah. You can either develop inner ear problems or size out.

So there's multiple ways that I can stop doing roller coasters. I'm going to have to get on a diet. I think a water slide, if I can imagine the best one would actually be super super long almost like a rapid ride that lasts for like you know five minutes or maybe it's they changed the lazy river into river that's what i mean just river it's just like this is they have those all over the country yeah and they last opposite of lazy of miles hard working river i don't know diligent river diligent river have you ever been able to do one where it's the ramp so it's like it's a it's pretty steep and then it it launches you i don't know like like into a lake yeah i have

i've never done that i have one of those and i fear i will go too high. Icarus. I can pick up some speed. Mass times vault. All right. Let's move on. Liar, liar. Pants on fire. Two words. Two words into the first lie, and I'm afraid.

Oh, come on. Here we are. If you haven't listened before, there are two truths, one lie. Game that we invented. I am not sure how much money we pay Al Borland to develop these because I'm sure the longer this streak goes, the more meticulous he becomes. The first two words of this,

that totally explains what he was doing in the introduction. Yeah. He was hard at work. Take it away, Andy. Yes. Here's your three truths. Let me start that again. Here are three facts.

One of them is a lie, and we need to figure it out because Al can't win again. can't win again. Brenda, Fartbag Connor, holds the Guinness World Record for number of audible farts under a minute with 38. Qualifying farts were those that measured

above a threshold of 25 decibels. Oh, man. That seems loud. Yeah, that seems loud. It also seems insane. Oh, F seems loud. It also seems insane. Oh, Fartbag. Fartbag Connor. I mean, it's a good nickname if it's true.

I don't disqualify this one for the nickname of Fartbag because if Brenda Connor really did have 38 over 25 decibel farts within a minute. I'll call her Fartbag. Number two, in 1943, the Steelers and the Eagles ran out of players and decided to merge for one season to become the Steagals. They went 5-4-1 that year. I am almost certain that's true. I believe that that is true.

I know that this has happened with some teams and so I can't imagine it's happened more than once I am a little worried about the name the Stegals I'm worried about it but he wouldn't just nuance the name and then the third one Barry Manilow's hit song

I Write the Songs was actually written by Bruce Johnston so the irony there being of course the name of the song yeah uh my parents are going to be very disappointed because they at least especially my father but both of them huge huge barry manilow fans uh i am so i know this song very very well but i don't know if he wrote it i feel like he he'd not feel he definitely covered songs because uh mandy his version is mandy which was a cover of the song brandy so it's it's not out of the the it's not out of the world for Barry Manilow to cover songs. I don't want to sway you guys here.

Leaning into fart bags? So feel free to dismiss my analysis here. But in order for Jeremy to make up the lie on Barry Manilow's hit song, I Write the Songs. I mean, that just seems like you'd have to, I mean, how popular is that song? Barry. Okay, that's like a common, and the title is known? Yes.

Because see, from my perspective, I've never heard of this. I write the songs that make the whole world sing. Okay, so maybe it's easier to come up with that lie than I thought. I'm going to go, I'm going to just lock this in. I'm going to be the first one to take the step off the ledge. I'm going to go with the Brenda Fartbag Connor as the lie. I think it seems so ridiculous that he thinks we would think it couldn't be the lie. Therefore, a little double-double, it is the lie.

It's a Princess Bride action. Yes. I, too, am locking in the brenda fart bag connor i don't like what you guys have done i don't like the 25 decibel part dad i don't that seems so loud what like what's it might have been decibuts okay what's i mean what's the damage what's the damage threshold? I don't know if it's 100. Like, would your Apple Watch, if you're at 25 decibels,

would it be like, you need to remove yourself? I couldn't tell you what one decibel was if you gave me 1,000 years to try to figure that out. I have no frame of reference. So do we? I'm with you guys. I think Stiegel's is... That sounds vaguely familiar. Yeah, I mean, I would just try to get the right one.

That's what I'm trying to do. But are we also... Do we need to play the game? I don't think we play the game. That's where we've gone wrong. We've tried to play the game with Al. Now it's time to just get it right. Fartbag.

Oh, baby. We are taking a risk. Al, don't do this. Go ahead. Yes! Yes! Oh, all three of us are on to round two. This is the best we've ever done.

Oh, and was I right with your strategy? I don't know about that. Oh, Jeremy. But I will tell you this. Fart bag Borland. The average fart is said to be around 80 decibels. Oh, boy. Oh, man.

And the Guinness Book of World Records loudest fart was 194 decibels. You go out and you try to set the loudest fart record? Correct. Jason, you should. So the 25 decibel threshold was not unrealistic. Okay. Good job. Yeah.

Okay. All right. We did it. Now that I can Google something, the average normal speaking volume is about 60 decibels. Okay. I'm very happy with this start, gentlemen. Who knew? Okay. All right. we did it. Now that I can Google something, the average normal speaking volume is about 60 decibels. I'm very happy with this start, gentlemen. Who knew? All right, here we go. Round two.

Just two more rounds left. Round two. The lone star tick is a species of tick that can bite humans and give them an allergy to red meat. Okay. I think that's true. Yeah. I'm not ruling that out. Not yet.

Number two, the character Homer Simpson received his name because of the similarity to the word homo sapien. Matt, how do you say his last name? Groaning. Groaning. Wanted the Simpsons to represent the everyday household family. Homer Simpson, homo sapien, I don't know. I'm not ruling it out.

Okay. family homer simpson homo sapien i don't know i'm not ruling it out okay the third one at the 1904 olympic marathon the first to cross the finish line did most of the race in a car the second almost died from using rat poison as a ped and the fourth place finisher raced in dress pants and shoes and took a nap by the side of the road for part of the race. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Not going to rule it out. The 1904 Olympic. This is the Olympics. The Olympic marathon.

The first cross finish line did most of the race in a car. The second almost died from using rat poisoning. And the fourth place finisher raced in dress pants and shoes. What about third place? And took a nap. Third place was the only real winner here. So the fourth place was a rabbit. Oh, yeah.

So maybe third was a tortoise. Look, I think marathons were taken very seriously once upon a time. Around 1904. I don't know. I mean, they may have been taken serious, but people were wicked slow. Well, look, you had one person that wanted to cheat at the top. You got another person that wanted to cheat with the PED. And then you had the fourth person that wanted to, like,

show what he could do in dress clothes. I think that one's true. I think the Lone Star's true. I'm going with my gut today. Homer Simpson's a lie locking it in. I think that one's true. I think the Lone Star is true. I'm going with my gut today. Homer Simpson's a lie locking it in. So I think the Lone Star tick is true, and I am leaning towards where you lean as well, Andy,

with the Homer Simpson. This last one is so wildly outrageous, long, and specific that it just seems like it can't be a lot which is the problem because oh man it just seems too oh i don't know like here's here's trying to play the think about this mental mind game think about about this. Okay, I'm thinking. If we all go with the Homer Simpson one, and it's right. Oh, man. It means that we can win, period. Homer Simpson.

I'm locking it in. Homer Simpson. Oh, baby. Yes! Yes! We are the smartest. Woo! Woo! We are the smartest team! Oh, wait. Let's go! Oh, baby!

We beat you in the second round! Wow, we've never been this close at all. Oh, this is a... I mean, this is like the music that we already won. I mean, there's still going to be a gamble here. No, no, we are... We're splitting? There's no chance. Here's the thing.

I want to be the winner. Andy, if you win, I'll be so happy. Jason, if you win, I will be so happy. If I win, I will be so happy. We can't risk it. Let's read them. Because we may have conviction. All right, round three. In 1987, the Nobel Prize

for Physics was awarded to Thomas Emmanuel Carrier, who definitively proved that a tree falling in the woods does make a sound regardless of a human presence. The Nobel Prize? For physics. Okay. That's 1987. That seems real late for that kind of a discovery. Okay, but I'm going to lock that one in. I think

that's the lie. Oh my gosh. No, then you back me into a bad position. Well, I've already logged mine in. What's the next factoid? Andy, we're a team. Number two. Andy's going to screw this up. Do not break formation. I might. People with Fregoli

delusion think everyone they meet is the same person in disguise. Fregoli?usion think everyone they meet is the same person in disguise. Fregoli? I believe that that's possible. But how many people, like what happens if you meet 10 people? Yeah, I mean, you think that they're the same person in disguise. What if they're in the same room? Well, that's what I mean.

It's called a delusion for a reason. Like what's the maximum amount of people that someone with a Fregoli delusion could know? One. I mean, obviously. All right. The third one. The inventor of petroleum jelly, Robert Chezabro, believed in the product so much that he ate a spoonful of it every day until the day he died. Nice.

I have no doubt that Robert did that. Well, I mean. Unless day he died. Nice. I have no doubt that Robert did that. Well, I mean. Unless he didn't. Imagine the, I mean, if you ate a spoonful of petroleum jelly, I mean, that's got to help get things moving, right? Yeah. Yeah, I think that's good. I would think.

Maybe slowly, but it's going to slowly. Andy, which one are you picking? Look, you're not locked yet, right? Oh, I'm locked. You're locked. Nobel Prize, 1987.'s going to slowly. Andy, which one are you picking? Look, you're not locked yet, right? Oh, I'm locked. You're locked. Nobel Prize, 1987. That's the lie. Mike, what are you locked on?

I'm not. No. No. Andy's dead. No. Not leaving the power? Jerry's sweating over there. He wants Mike to lock it in now.

No. The problem is I want to win. But not that bad. I can't believe it. Not that bad. I can't believe you'd even entertain this. I'm curious what he would do if... I think the inventor of petroleum jelly,

it's a lie. Okay. Yeah, go ahead, Mike. No, did you lock that in? I'm locked. All right, fantastic, because I think that the Fregoli one is completely a lie.

Who won? Jason. Congratulations. You mean the spitballers won. That's You mean the spitballers won. That's right. The spitballers won. That one made no sense. That would have easily been the lock.

Oh, man. 1987. 1887. I might have believed it. What a day. I mean, how do you feel, Al? We haven't even heard from the master liar who has been defeated. I feel ashamed.

Can you believe we got through the first two rounds as a team? Wow. I didn't like it. How bad did you feel when we were just talking about, when Mike mentioned locking in the. Yes. Oh, yeah. Risked it all, and we got the win.

I told you you just got to play that. You don't play the game. You just I mean you do once you get to round three. Yeah. But at but rounds one and two. Oh we got through it.

Wow. Oh great. The record I won. I beat you. Mm hmm. Sure. Don't care. All right.

Here we me down. Time to draft the spitball to draft. The Spitballers Draft. Songs you're embarrassed to like. We are drafting songs you're embarrassed to like. Mike, you have the first pick overall. Can I just go back for a second and say? Sure.

I did not think that would feel as good as it felt. It felt really good the truth was we won the moment we got the second round right which is why that music was perfect because for what it's worth i knew it would feel as bad as it felt oh man i mean i just i was like oh yeah that today's the day great but that was exhilarating do you know the count on liar liars we have failed i I don't. Next time. I'll have that update for you.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's share that. And one. That's the record. I mean, 212 episodes. However many. And one.

That's right. Unbelievable. Now we're on a streak, guys. We are on a streak. All right. So, Mike, your first pick. So, playing the game of this, these are songs, again, that I am not embarrassed because I don't have the shame when it comes to music.

But I can understand that I can fully see the embarrassment that people would take with some of these songs. Let's put it this way. You like, because I know you lean in, you're, you're willing to call any song, a great song, but this is like,

go back to my space. You've got the one song on your profile. This is the one you might not put on your profile because you don't get to be like right in their face, insisting. It's a great song. I mean, absolutely.

Younger, younger Mike would like these songs and was thoroughly in secret yeah i mean then i became old and it just didn't matter right um i have my true 101 but i think that there's a song on this list that may not come back to me okay and i alluded to it with my scat intro yep okay i got you i will be selecting bop by handsome it's a great one because that song bangs baby like when that came out i mean and we were young when that came out so you were still playing with legos i know that because i remember listening to it while playing with legos i still play with legos um but with Legos. But we were so young that you could not like it.

As a young feller growing up in America, you were not allowed to like that song, which is a tragedy because the three-part harmonies on that chorus, sensational. And they never really, I mean, I know they're still together and they're still doing things, but they never really, there's no real follow-up to which i mean shout out to that imagine being a band with your brothers and you have international fame when you haven't even hit puberty and you're still to like you didn't have this huge falling out so that's pretty amazing the number one pick. Look at Oasis.

Those two brothers, they couldn't even handle a couple hits as adults. That's because they were better than the Beatles, according to them. Yeah, they were. Okay, they were awesome. Oasis was? Are they on your list? No, because who could ever be embarrassed about liking the greatest band of all time? No one.

Instead, I'm going to play the game here and take a song I know would never get past Andy. At least I don't think it would get past him. I figured Andy was an Mbop guy as well. Oh, for sure. But I'm going to do what i did when we won and go arms no oh yeah no oh dude that song so you're taken with arms wide open by by cree no i take it back you should be ashamed i mean like the song the song is a good song it's ridiculous and uh the sound of the voice is ridiculous but this is a good you i i remember in your head forever i

remember loving creed so much as a kid and taking that song and playing it for my father you know you have the i played it for my dad yeah yeah yeah and you know you have the certain songs that you think maybe the parents will connect to from the kids' music? Uh-huh. I remember sitting on a bed and playing him that song with pride. Did he like it? Yeah, he did. Oh. He did a nice big hug with arms wide open. Yes, he did.

I do like the guitar solo in that song. There you go. Mike has gone from embrace all songs to give his qualified opinion of maybe you're allowed. It's a good song. I like it. My 101, which I will take next, there's just no chance that it would ever be on Andy's list. I had two choices here. I could go with what

consensus guilty pleasure songs exist. Songs that are out there and people would agree are maybe guilty pleasures. Or I could go with genuine Andy Holloway songs I like that I think are much more in the minority. Andy, we're already winners today.

Well, no, no, you don't have to persuade me. We're all winners. I already made the decision beforehand, which is I was going to do songs that I genuinely think are great that I'm not sure anybody would like, that I maybe would be embarrassed to say are great. that I'm not sure anybody would like that I maybe would be embarrassed to say are great. So my first pick, my number one song that I'm embarrassed to like is When a Man Loves a Woman

by Michael Bolton. That's a good one. When a man loves a woman. You betcha. Great pick. Oh, man. So? Really, I mean, a lot of these are artist-based.

First of all, Michael Bolton's freaking great. Yes, he is. What's your favorite Michael Bolton song? Well, that's my favorite, but it was very close to When I Loved You, or I Said I Loved You But I Lied. I was going off of space. Oh, okay. I don't remember.

I celebrate his entire catalog. Oh, I forgot. Sorry. I missed the joke with real answers about Michael Bolton. All right. So, When a Man Loves a Woman by Michael Bolton is number one. Okay. Number two, I need to make sure I am not risking.

The Creed song's gone, so I don't have to worry. Well, not all of them. Can we get more than one Creed song? We could. We could get one more. But... Look, I'm just doubling up on these manly ballads. Okay.

Anything by Josh Groban, but I'm going with You Raise Me Up. Oh, wow. You raise me up. Wait, people like that song you bet they do oh wow that's a good song i like i like the amazing singers that uh bust out those ballads and mine is so similar mine does have a powerful voice is very mike has gone from anything. Just go with your true self to dunking on both of us. No, no, no, no. He won't dunk on this. I admitted that I like the Creed song.

I just the ice, the talent of like some groves. Look, I get the talent. He just did. His voice is not for me. Well, you can't walk on mountains, Mike. Jason, it's too inspirational. It's too inspirational. Well, I'm going to take another super inspirational song.

This is, it's a little bit recency biased because we heard it within the last month, played it in the studio. It's so good. Really? Yeah. Listen up, y'all, because this is it. Oh. Oh, Fergalicious.

Yes. Yes. Yes. There is no shame in the Fergalicious game that song is oh man Fergalicious death Fergalicious death if the song wasn't this is a very fun if the song wasn't called Fergalicious it might be less embarrassing the The song is a banger, but I have to say that I love Fergalicious. Pretty bad. So delicious. At a wedding, if you want it played, you got to go up to the DJ, excuse me, can you please play Fergalicious?

That's the true test of this draft is can you go up to the DJ during a wedding and with a straight face say, could you throw on Fergalicious for me? What are you going to get back from the DJ after the request? What eyes? What comments? Oh, they will have a big smile. Can you throw up some Bolton for me?

Because they know that Fergalicious gets the party going. It's so delicious. All right, Mike, two picks for you. All right, This is my true one to one because this is just the cheesiest of cheese the poppiest of pop. I will take call me maybe. Oh there you go because that song never gets skipped in my car. The volume goes way up. Here's my name. Oh dude dude. It's just with the four on the floor. It's so absurd.

The chord progression I love everything about. That's funny. Love everything about that song. Mbop and call me maybe. Go on. All right. Now how embarrassing do we get? Let's dig deep here, Mike.

Let's go full embarrassment. Oh, man. We're all winners. So I'm going to go. Oh, man. We're all winners here today. There's one where it's like people might like the song because it was a very large hit. But liking this band.

No, it's not Nickelback. It's not Nickelback. It's not Nickelback. I like Nickelback's first album. But it's like a band where it's like Nickelback where they've become a caricature. Sure. I think I know what this song is. You do not.

Okay. I don't think I know what this song is. Perhaps I will say that, but I'm going to go with another. We're just going to get the pop hits going on here. I'm going to go with Tick Tock by Kesha. Oh, yeah. Which is Tick Tock,'m going to go with Tick Tock by Kesha. Oh, yeah. Tick Tock.

Make it whatever the words are. Yes. Woke up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy. That song. And the party don't start till I walk in. I mean, these. You are going the pop hits. Yeah.

I quote this song on the reg because it's so ridiculous. All right. Jason, you're back. i'm going with a pop hit as well um this is this is an embarrassing like oh people don't like this song i think a lot of people like this song but i love it okay i love this artist far more than I maybe should, according to others. But she is fire. She's never made a bad song. I'm taking her entire catalog, if I could, would be what I'm embarrassed to absolutely love, is Katy Perry. Oh, yeah.

She's unbelievable. Okay, which one are we going with? I got to go Firework. Oh, yeah. She's unbelievable. Okay, which one are we going with? I got to go Firework. I got to go. Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Are you serious? Baby, I'm a firework. Have you ever felt like a plastic bag?

Oh, my gosh. Yes. Also, the best. It goes so good with the Creed song. The best Super Bowl halftime show ever. It's hard to argue with that, but dude. Oh, boy. The bridge in Firework with the boom boom boom

I mean it's fantastic It was close between that and Teenage Dream Teenage Dream may be more embarrassing But I just I mean I get Volume goes up Cause she's never made a bad song Mike

I mean that Fits the draft I think you might be right She's never made a bad song, Mike. I mean, that fits the draft. I think you might be right. I'm just kidding. She's awesome. She is amazing. Two picks? Two picks. Close it out.

So we've got Bolton and we've got Groban. So if we were in like a battle royale, I've already filled that role. I'm going to go off script once again i'm going with the song you're the one that i want from greece with olivia newton john and john travolta honey okay and i'm going with living on a prayer by bon jovi okay yeah the greece i did not see the greece i tried to dig deep on some song that was And I'm going with Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi. Okay. The Grease. I did not see the Grease song coming. I tried to dig deep on some song that was in the remote recesses of that couldn't be a song people like. Oh, that's good.

I mean, both of those are good. Living on a Prayer is, I mean, it's still a stadium anthem, but. It is a stadium anthem. That has kind of taken the turn of like it's almost cheesy. Yeah, it's super cheesy. 80s cheesy. But you're halfway there. But then you hear it on and you're like, you know what? Go ahead and finish that chorus.

Like, no, what is oh, this is terrible. You can't just be halfway there. No, don't just don't turn it off, though. Right. Keep it going. Yeah. Can't wait till the next song comes on. And then everyone is hitting the high notes. Jason, you have a final pick. I do have a final pick.

And I think I'm going to go with a song here that it was really popular. And sometimes when a song gets too popular, it becomes the worst thing ever but it's a good song okay and if it's on in the background i'm not sad i'm like yeah let it play let it play it's all star by smash mouth oh man yeah that that song sucks the oh, I can't stand that song. The band I was talking about was Smash Mouth. That's what I thought it was. This is the song I thought you were going to take. No, it was not that song.

Because Smash Mouth at one point in time was a popular band people liked, and they have gone completely the other way. I think that there was a part of everybody that liked their songs for a while, and nobody in my mind has ever been more played than that song. I think that song has been played during the Shrek era. The Shrek era. That was what ruined it. And then they did the monkey song, I'm a Believer.

Yep. But the song I was going to thought about picking was Walking on the Sun. Walking on the Sun. Their first one. That's a good jam. That song's not so bad. It's a good jam. It wasn't in Shrek. That Walking on the Sun. Their first one. That's a good jam. That song's not so bad. It's a good jam. It wasn't in Shrek. That's really the key. Hey now.

That's a great pick to be embarrassed about. You went the Smash Mouth route. So I guess I'm just... Hold on. Let me... What do I got? So I got TikTok by Kesha. Call Me Maybe. Mbop. You're staying in a certain stream here yes so what up I'll take my

own power ballad okay this song this song took over the world along with the film that it was featured in and it is sung by a true diva a true master of the voice I will take my heart will go On by Celine Dion, a song for the Titanic. Because if you're listening to that thing and you don't feel something emotionally, you're just lying to yourself. That's a great pick.

That's such a great pick. I like that song a lot. It's a great song. Wow. But you can't say that out loud. You don't want people to hear you. This is the most conflicting episode of all time. It is. It's very difficult. Wow. But you can't you can't say out loud. You know what. Yeah. This is the most conflicting episode of all time.

I guess it's very difficult. We were on top of the world and we just dug our own grave. Everyone listening is like seriously. They're like this is the final episode. Liar Liar is over. This is really the way the episode should. What else. What else.

By the way 19 times in a row is how many times you beat us and liar liar before we beat him. Okay. That's not bad. Nineteen and one. Ninete 19 and 1 now what's uh any any good uh free agents gangsters paradise by coolio anybody brave enough to take photograph no i i can't believe none of us went with um uh the rickroll oh because i genuinely love that song um that's how like with the Rick Roll. It's on my list. Because I genuinely love that song.

That's a great song. I have it on my list, but you can't be embarrassed to like it. Careless Whisper by George Michael. It's been played out for me. I like the sax riff, but it got played out. I would do anything for love, meatloaf. Okay. Oh, that would have been a good pick.

I had I Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith. Oh, that's another good pick. And then A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlson. Oh, yeah. Okay. No Swifty, huh? No Swift? I do like some Taylor Swift.

I had Shake It Off on my list. It's fine. It's a little too embarrassing. Oh, man. Couldn't even take it. But you have the Katy Perry catalog, so you're set. Yeah. What did we learn today? Go ahead, Jason.

I learned that you get more decibels than I thought. From a toot? No, just from like 100 decibels is not too much. I learned for the first time that Jason had to take the walk of shame off of a roller coaster. And I learned that we are the three smartest men alive. And Al Borland sucks. Oh, man. What a loser.

So if we have another show, it'll be next Monday. But we'll see if Al's still around. Thanks for joining us, everybody. Hey, tell your friends about the podcast, and we'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.