Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 213: Never Big Spoon & Coolest Fictional Monsters - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

There is a big utensil disagreement on today’s show that we will need your help settling. Let us know where you stand on the topic. We also discuss some new wave thievery, exploring ancient pyramids, and meeting our teenage selves. We close it down with a draft of the coolest fictional monsters. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Think about how much time you spend at home. Does your home really make you feel great? If not, it's time to change it. Now picture yourself coming home, seeing beautiful new furniture from Jordan's. Eating out or a vacation, those things just come and go. But walking into your room and loving what you see, you'll enjoy that every day. Right now, come to Jordan's Furniture and get 15% off everything or get up to 60 months with no interest. Call 1-866-245-4722 for financing details.

Restrictions apply. Subject to credit approval. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Now, you went with the singer thing where you plug one ear to hear yourself better, even though we have in-ears already. We have earbuds on.

Right. Did Jeremy turn the music off for you while you did that scat? No, no, no, no, no. It was on. It was completely on, yeah. I know. Impressive. While you were doing the scat, the music was still no. It was on. It was completely on, yeah. I know. Impressive. While you were doing the scat, the music was still on.

I believe so. Okay. Al, you said you loved that one? One of the worst. Okay. All right. Spitballers episode 213. I view this show through a single lens, okay? And it is before 2-12 and after 2-12.

We are living in a post-defeating Al Borland time of life, and it is the meadows. They're filled with flowers. We're winners. Ask me if I cared how that scat went. Jason, did you care about that scat? What scat? Well, it doesn't even matter.

Because it's post 212. It's post 212, baby. We don't care about things anymore. Before Al and after Al. That's right. Don't care about nothing. Would you rather? That's a great question.

And we are drafting the coolest fictional monsters on today's show. So that is a. Well, there's a lot. there's a lot to choose from like just picking four monsters they're i mean and some of the difficult some could be real they i mean like i'm sure there's some on your list that maybe you do believe they're real you're saying because they these haven't been discovered yeah these are some of them have been discovered yeah these are these are... Some of them have been discovered. Yeah, these are monsters that are like... They're allegedly fictional. Right, allegedly fictional.

Because of the cover-up. Yes. I'll be curious to find out what you guys select. Jason will have the first pick today. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod, and join the spit.com if you want to support the community. Send in your, you know, we're always eager to have your draft ideas,

your would-you-rather questions, any suggestion you have at all. Your scat ideas. Yeah. Was that from a listener or was that Jason original? Oh, you could have blamed a listener. Totally a listener? Oh, you could have blamed a listener. Totally a listener. Yeah. That one was not my fault at all.

It was listener BG2223. Oh, there it is. Really good work. Thank you. All right. Well, anything else? could have gone fred yeah but i mean there's too many usernames for that to work all right uh let's get it going would you rather kyle from the website would you rather discover and explore an ancient pyramid or an old

shipwreck oh can you so okay first of all education time always here on this football i mean that's what we're this is this is listed as an educational podcast yeah okay um three Okay. Three credits. There are insights to pyramids? Yes. Yeah, like, right. That's what I'm saying. Okay. Okay, so educational. Do you know the use?

It's like a tomb, right? It's a giant tomb. So if you know it's a tomb, you know that someone goes in the tomb. Well, people go in a grave doesn't mean you can explore in the grave. Well, you could if you've got a shovel. Look, my ambiguity around the pyramids' insides, as Jason said, is how spacious are they? Are we talking a couple narrow hallways and a tomb?

I mean, those pyramids are gigantic. This is not like a Costco, right? There's not a lot of... I mean, those pyramids are gigantic. This is not like a Costco, right? Like, you can't... There's not a lot of, you know, space. There's some space. They're not vaulted ceilings, are they? What's the lighting like in there? They got a lot of skylights? Very minimal.

Pitch darkness. They got, like, fake doors, and I think there's booby traps and things. Well, there's definitely booby traps. You don't build a tomb and just let people come through scot-free. You've got to get them. Yeah, because killing others is the key to a good tomb.

Look, here's the thing. I've got to protect my final resting place. Do you? Oh, for sure. If you're building a pyramid, you don't get a pyramid and not care about your final resting place. It's kind of really important to you at that point. And I don't have any sort of actual weights and measures to explain all of this. But I had watched some recent videos about the creation of the pyramids.

And it's just perplexing how... How the aliens came? And it's just, it's perplexing how the aliens came. I mean, it really, like the argument that the aliens built the pyramids might be the most logical of the other arguments. Because the only thing that I could conclude after realizing how precise, because the pyramids are precise, right? And they have massive, massive stones that are difficult to move anyways, right? Like it doesn't make any sense that we could have moved them. And then they have to be placed so precisely that, look, a pyramid, you're off a little bit, and it doesn't go up to a point. It has to be mathematically perfect.

You can't just fudge that into place. No, you can't just like... It's not a two by four, and you give it a little hip check, and it slides right in. This is not like when I hang a picture on the wall, and i put about four different nail holes before i find the right one what what i'm saying though is that i think what happened is there is a technology that we have developed and lost that's my final conclusion something like a crane they no not like a crane. There's some form of moving heavy objects or precisely placing them that we invented, and we being the world humans, and then we've lost it to time. Do you think the secret is buried inside the pyramid?

It might be. A bunch of cranes in there? The secret also might be just treat humans horrifically bad and force them to do things against their will. I don't think slave labor is the only explanation. Yeah, there is some magic to the specificities, but I am looking at an inside layout map of the pyramids. Is there booby traps? For sure. Yes, okay okay everywhere um but i will say this can't step anywhere without stepping into a booby trap there is the majority of the insides

is solid yes so there's like hall there's like tiny hallways and corridors leading up to the king's chamber. That is not a place I want to be. This is not. You wouldn't want to explore this. No, I would not want to explore this. You know what pirate ships have? Booty.

Pirate treasure. You know what's. But you're also underwater. You got to get in a scuba suit. Maybe. It doesn't say I found it at the bottom of the sea. What if I'm on a. It's a shipwreck. Yeah. Ship wrecked into an island. Like, check this island. get in a scuba suit maybe it doesn't say i found it at the bottom of the sea what if i'm on uh it's a shipwreck yeah shipwrecked into an island it's like check this island out oh there's a shipwreck

there ashore the ship washed ashore okay all right bam all right i mean mike genuine answer for you would you rather explore a shipwreck now look j, I'm not letting you off the hook for this on-the-island shipwreck because if it's on the island and it's been there a while. That's a parked ship. Yeah. It's not wrecked. No, I'll let it be on the island, but I just want you to know when you discover it, there will be spider webs and spiders all up in that thing.

That's true. If it's on the island. Island spiders. Island spiders can get big. They really can. Human-sized. Let's not get out of control here. We're not to the monster draft yet.

You've seen, what island was that? Spider Island. No, no, no. It's not Madagascar. Giant Spider Island. Dang it. I can't think of the island where all the sizes of the animals got thrown off because it was a completely isolated island.

Is this fictional? No. It's got the pygmy elephants. Really? Yeah. The size of the animals on the island got thrown off. Yes. Absolutely.

Because of what? Because the island was completely isolated. Okay. So it had a different- So it was too small. I'm looking it up. You guys talk. So they- Well, it would have to be too small. I'm looking it up. You guys talk. So they they.

Well, it would have to be too small if they all adjusted to the small size. I don't know how fascinated I really am with the innards of the pyramid. I feel like that is the that's the more rare the obviously as far as, you know, human historical significance. It's far bigger. You'll find treasure in both of these. Sure. But I don't care about the insides of the pyramid i like just on a personal level i care about the outside of the pyramid i want to see it but i don't want to go in it a pirate ship i would rather be in

than see from a distance i want to i want to explore a pirate ship so that that's the easy answer for me and and you know what I won't even go to the parked pirate ship on the tropical awesome spider island you'll go underwater I'm going underwater because um you know I I recently not you know super recently but like a year ago or so when and I know this is very different but I went snorkeling so I'm up at the surface of the water yeah but I thought snorkeling would be something I would not care about. Just boring. You're just, you're skimming the surface of the water, looking underwater.

Like, so what? How was it? Freaking incredible. It was unbelievable. There you go. And I mean, the life that was all around everything that was sunken, if there went where i was there was a sunken something like an anchor and all this life and fish all around it it was just really it blew my mind so you would enjoy thought i wouldn't like it loved it and i think i would really enjoy scuba diving even though

and there's no there's no sharks in the pyramid though there's no sharks in the pirate ship either it's very uh i'm inside the ship safe don't have you seen the chipmunk adventure i haven't are there sharks in the pirate there's definitely a shark mike you i know you shared that there's this uh this dwarfism yes on animals on this island how do we know that they didn't start on the island and just get bigger everywhere else i i do not know okay i'm into this final vote i'm gonna go pyramid mike i think it just comes down to the prestige um if you explore a pyramid the curse of the mummy i mean like if you open up the sarcophagus there is a great

chance that you're going to perish it's 50 50 i50 on the cursing. It is a monster draft episode. Pirates now. They curse you as well, though, right? Do they? Davy Jones' locker or something? Well, that's just a metaphor for I'm going to throw you into the ocean. With a curse. I don't think there's curses involved with pirates.

Not a lot of witches on those pirate ships. I know the pirates of the Caribbean. Tortuga? Like Caribbean, they've added in curses and stuff, but that's new. That's new wave pirates. All right. This is, I think, as far as we can go on this one. Final answer.

I'm going with the pirate ship. I feel like if you explore a pyramid, there's going to be, like, appropriately so, the culture where that pyramid belongs, they're going to say that this stuff belongs to- Consecrating the dead. Well, it's their stuff. Yeah. If it's a pirate ship, I was going to say it this stuff belongs to consecrating the dead like well it's their stuff yeah if it's a pirate ship i was gonna say it was not marked it's no this is my pirate gold they probably stole it anyways yeah you didn't steal it you found it yeah i'm a i'm not the robin hood um

how many layers of something being stolen until it doesn't belong to the original owner i think two two two i just gotta steal from the thief and it's mine so wait if i take your mug and then and then al takes it from me that's ours that's ours mug oh that's one then no i feel like that's two you stole first and he stole he stole second so you could want oh man yeah i think that's tough yeah is that how it works in a pawn shop when they turn stuff into a pawn shop and you go and buy it from them? You just need deniability that you did not steal from the original owner. They didn't steal it.

They paid for it in the pawn shop. That's right. They purchased what is now rightfully theirs. So what if I want my thing back? What if you rob someone, but you just leave a fiver? Now, perhaps this item was worth $500, but I left you money. You should always do that. I paid for you money. You should always do that. I paid for this item.

You should always do that for when you get caught. So you can tell the judge that you thought you were buying it. Not only that. I thought we agreed to a fair price of $5. With a contract. When you get caught, instead of going to jail, you get your money back. I'm not giving this back for free

i left you five dollars here's your television give me my five dollars that's actually this is just be irate it didn't work anyways this is new wave uh give me my five dollars and i'll be on my way thievery yeah all right uh moving on to a would you rather question from James on Patreon. Would you rather eat a soft shell taco or a hard shell taco? Oh, that's a really straightforward question. I was waiting for the twist. So it's Tuesday night. Taco Tuesday.

What are you doing? How are you getting in on that? Taco Tuesday. This is one of the hardest questions we've had on the Spitballers. Really? It is because... I feel like everyone has... You got your...

Your go-to. Your majority shell. The problem is... I'll just say my piece. I prefer the crunch of a taco. A crunchy taco. Okay. But half of the time time crunchy tacos let me down

because they just get destroyed they do you put one chomper on that thing and now i've got pieces now i've got a taco salad in my lap and so in that case i'm like, just give me the soft taco. It's not as good, but it's never going to let me down. The amount of times I've had a forced conversion into a taco salad due to a hard taco. It's about half of your hard tacos. It's about half of the hard tacos. I will go with the soft shell taco. That's my favorite. I feel like it's more consistent, like you said.

It's very easy to eat. It's one of the easiest to eat. Very portable. Now, there is, I think, an answer to this question that goes beyond soft versus hard, and it's the pinnacle. In the Moore household, we take a soft corn tortilla and lightly fry it up. It does not become a hard taco. We take a soft corn tortilla. Okay. And you lightly fry it up. Okay. It does not become a hard taco.

It just becomes a fried soft shell. Medium? Yeah, I mean, it's still soft. Does it look like a burrito at the end? No, no, no. It's taco sized. Yeah, I mean, because that's what you're supposed to do. If a true soft tortilla, you are supposed to give it a little bit

of a fry if you fry up a soft tortilla there is delicious no one that should pick anything else a fried soft tortilla is that was a chef's kiss for those there's a real kiss is what that was yes um yeah i mean i just i guess I've always been a soft shell guy. Yeah, you can't hear the ocean in it like you can a hard taco. Wait, can you put the taco up to your ear and you can hear the ocean? A hard shell, yeah. Okay. Can you call it a shell if it's a soft taco? I feel like that's not a soft shell.

That's just like a soft taco. Yeah, I would agree with that. Yeah. So where do you land, Mike? The thing is you can get the soft taco. It's easier to eat. And then there's chips. So you get the best of both worlds.

Yeah, you can crunch. And if you want to get wild, put a chip in the left hand, put the taco in the right. You can combo them in the mouth. Double stuff. Yeah. I mean, all you reminded me of there is the double-decker, which is so good. Oh, the Taco Bell? Yeah, the Taco Bell double-decker.

It's answering this question with why not both. Yeah, they did ask that question. They've answered a lot of questions about tacos. They've done great work over there. Not a sponsor. Should be a sponsor. Reach out, Mr. and Mrs. Taco Bell. I've never had a double-decker that becomes a taco salad in my lap.

Because the double-decker has the soft on the outside. Oh, soft's on the outside. So it's a hard, crunchy shell. It's reinforced with a shell that's going to hold together. A net, a little soft shell net. Sure, yeah. Soft shell net. And then they take the hard, crunchy taco.

I believe it's beans. Oh, in between them? that's like the glue? it's the glue the bean glue bean paste and then soft shell and it's

mwah and it does come out as bean paste alright that's true which of these two should I go with here, Al? I haven't looked at them yet. The next one's a food one, so if you don't want to do another food one, go to the last one. Rich from Patreon, would you rather be an old wizard or a young knight?

Oh, that's the easiest question of all time. Yes. Wait, you're both choosing young knight? No. No. Why would we do that? One of these has magic. Yes, one of these has magic yes one of them has magic

and i feel like a wizard probably spends most of their time doling out wizard advice do you know people come for advice when in a fight between a knight and a wizard it would never be the night so it's not they're not fighting it's what you want be. I want to be the winner of the fight. Over the summer, my family and I, we took a vacation. We went to Iceland. Okay. And we checked it out. It's down the street. Got it.

Yeah, just a little stroll. But part of that, I love when you go somewhere, you want to learn about the place. So they had some museums, and we went, learned about the history of of iceland just some fascinating stuff and i mean they're up in the nordic area so a lot of viking stuff going on and at the end of the museum they have just like an area where you can put on you know basically like looking like viking stuff so that i put on a chain man a real chain mail

uh vest me through yeah is that well i thought me through was the material yeah it is it's also it's not real gone i don't i know the word what was that like lord of the rings yes it is it's a lord all right well whatever it was i steal i would just go with what you said you put on, which is chain mail. That's what it is. But it was long. Very, very long. A dress. And chain gown. Yes.

Yes. But you could not sleep in this thing. It was so freaking heavy. And this was just the mail. This was not the armor on top. This was not plate armor. This was an absolute. Once it was on, it was like, I guess I wear this forever.

Because you have the tiny little hole for your head. It does not stretch. And this thing weighs probably 50 pounds. And then you've got to put armor on top. So what you're saying is. I'm telling you, I don't know. That was my takeaway after I put that on. And I'm holding a real weighted sword.

I don't know how anybody did this. They all fought at one mile an hour because just to move just to take a few steps wearing all of that stuff you would have been exhausted so most knights either i mean they had to wear this heavy armor yes and it seems like they died a lot oh yeah yeah mostly from exhaustion knights served served for being killed. That was their job. This is why most knights have a horse. They can't walk, so they need to be carried.

But the horses sometimes wear armor too. Yes. They are fine animals, these horses. Even sitting on a horse, weighing that. Can we look up, can we try and find how much is a suit of armor? What was the average weight? And then imagine wearing that. Even if a horse is carrying you, just the core strength it would take to hold yourself up is ridiculous.

Yeah, and I don't know how many great things there are. Like the perks of being a knight. You get prestige, right? People look up to you. It's certainly an honorable status. As long as you're not a bootleg knight. And they're the only ones with the round tables, right? Because everybody else has square.

They want to fit all of Arthur and his friends at the table. And usually you're going to get the fair maiden. I don't think the old wizard is really pulling in the maidens. Because it's the old maiden. By the way, are there young wizards or do they start old? Like, can you not become a wizard until you turn 80?

There is a lot of education that goes into becoming a wizard. You ever seen a... It's like getting a doctorate. Yeah, but a lot of them. You ever seen a beardless wizard? No. Never. No.

As soon as you get magic the beard grows and does it instantly turn gray for sure you i mean it's a gray bearded wizard that's what a wizard is unless you're in harry potter but i do think that the perks that come with being a wizard are far more far more first of all i don't think they do they die no that's what i was gonna say i was gonna ask you don't die of old age as a wizard you just don't you they Do they die? No that's what I was going to say I was going to ask You don't die of old age as a wizard You just don't You can stop that? No you just keep aging and stay alive

Okay so I mean it's like you look at wizards in classic literature It's like how old are you? It could be 800 years old Yeah you don't know Yeah okay That makes sense You're a super old wizard

Gandalf is always around Yeah Gandalf He's been there Thousands of years He just keeps coming back too Yeah you just change colors You just You know it's like Gandalf the always around. Yeah, Gandalf. He's just been there. He just keeps coming back, too. Yeah, you just change colors. You just, you know, it's like, I'm Gandalf the blue. What's up?

Look, I'm tired of this drab. Is that like the equivalent of the nine lives? They get the full, like, rainbow? But, yeah, you change outfits. Like, if you're going to, let's get this back to fighting. Okay, yes. If you're going into war and there's an army, think Lord of the Rings.

You got this knight. That knight's going to take on several people. He's not going one-on-one. He's going one-on-two, one-on-three. The wizard's taking out hundreds of people. Here's been my problem with wizards, is that they're always all-powerful, but they're always rarely using it.

Yes. So like, for instance, if Gandalf is able to, you know, be super powerful, why is it that he'll only use those powers every once in a while? Like, is there ever cast a level four fireball? No. I didn't know what it takes. How much mana does that take? All of it.

That's why he, the wizards have so many vacations can they get killed wizards yeah in a battlefield if you let's see you miss on your fireball like you've been saving up all this energy you fire it whoops i missed how long till i cast a fireball and can i be shot by an arrow well i don't think arrows can get a wizard it's gonna be full impaling of usually an animal horn or another wizard. Those are the two ways to die. You can't die falling. Another wizard can get you?

Or you said another wizard? Another wizard can definitely get you. In Lord of the Rings, I thought one of the wizards falls off the big tower. At least in the movie, right? Yeah. He doesn't die? No, you can't die from falling again I'll still alive I didn't say that yes for sure he is still alive he's still alive he's

just stuck in the ground he's on the ground just he was the arrow into the shield of the ground well I think we settled all that yeah I guess wizard is what we're going with to answer your question Mike the average suit of armor is around 55 pounds, but could be up to 100 pounds. Good luck. And then you have your weapon. How did this possibly work? Which your weapon's like another... It's like, I don't know, 10 to 15 pounds?

I mean, no. Is a sword up to 15 pounds? I don't know. I'm throwing out numbers here. I got you. Thank you. I got you. A broad sword weighs three to five pounds.

Okay, that makes far more sense. Okay. I mean, when you pick it up, you go, what does this weigh? 10 to 15 pounds? But you're not whipping it around real quick. I mean, you're swinging. You're catching your breath, and you're swinging it again. People don't fence with broadswords.

No. On guard. That's true. And they don't fight in war with fencing swords. You haven't had a whole bunch of people running in there going like. Just an army of fencers. Well, because you can't be like, tap, you're out. Tap, tap, tap.

You're out. Someone should have taken this ball off the end of my sword. I think Rufio tried that, and it didn't end well. No. Too soon. You also should not declare you got hooky. Looky, looky. Before you get him.

This is ridiculous. All right, we are moving on. Think about how much time you spend at home. Does your home really make you feel great? If not, it's time to change it. Now picture yourself coming home, seeing beautiful new furniture from Jordan's. Eating out or a vacation, those things just come and go. But walking into your room and loving what you see, you'll enjoy that every day.

Right now, come to Jordan's Furniture and get 15% off everything or get up to 60 months with no interest. Call 1-866-245-4722 for financing details. Restrictions apply. Subject to credit approval. That's a great question. Have we talked about that before? I feel like we have. Have we given commentary on the movie Hook? Well, about poor Rufio. About Rufio goes in, he tries to be the hero and get Captain Hook,

meets his demise, and then everyone else at the end of the fight, they're just like, whatever, man. They rolled him into the water and just moved on. He was their leader, and they don't give a crap about Rufio. No respect at all. Someone claimed his skateboard and then everybody else moved on. And then someone claimed his job. It's like, okay, who's up?

They're like, we got Peter Pan now. Pan the man. There you go. Pan the man. But it wasn't even Pan that took over. Pan was like, yeah, you're too good for Rufio's job. What about that chunky kid? Oh, yeah.

Butterball. Yeah, Butterball. Wasn't he the one that? I don't remember. Yeah about that chunky kid? Oh, yeah. Butterball. Yeah, Butterball. Wouldn't he be the one? I don't remember. Yeah, they did. They did put him back in charge. My big takeaway was they moved on so fast from Rufio. They did.

From who? Exactly. They celebrated upon his dead body. That's true. Yeah, they did forget him. There was no ceremony or anything. No, nothing. No good body.

Oh, they didn't have the body anymore. It's in the ocean. All right. Don't slip on roof, you. For those still with us, Bethany from Patreon, the 16-year-old version of you just moved in, and now your new roommate. Okay.

Hold on. Let's try this again. I can read. The 16-year-old version of you just moved in and is now your new roommate what is the first thing the two of you would fight about so the 16 year old version of me just moved in and is my roommate correct what would we fight about um this is another way of saying what was the worst of you at 16 it would it would probably be girl related uh for for me i would not want the 16 year old to have other 16 year old uh female friends over uh okay and you gotta shut down the romance that would be the that would

be the fighting i imagine that i would not enjoy talking to a 16-year-old me who thought he was right about 100% of everything and never listened and was always upset. Yeah, and that 16-year-old would be like, man, this guy, this older version. I think we would both sit in silence and play video games and probably be best friends forever. It's funny.

And never speak. My 16-year-old friend would be just fine. My first thought, genuinely, was like, oh, man, we would play Sim 4 forever. Because I'd be like, oh, you know that game? He's like, bro, I got the codes from the future. You have no idea. Unlimited cash. I mean, we'd be happy playing his games.

We'd be happy playing the games today. That was my first thought was like, oh, man, we're going to play so many video games. What about you, Al? How would 16-year-old Al Borland? That'd be a problem. I was a lot messier then. So it would probably have something to do with tidiness. I did think about that.

Like the like leaving just leaving crap out. But I'm not that much better. I think I would have a problem with all the police officers just constantly trying to get his younger self for stealing and all sorts of just leave five dollars. Yeah. We've taught you. You could teach young young alborland the trick new wave thievery when the police when the police officer says i need that tv you say where's my five dollars because the officer shows up hey son uh did you pay for that yes i did

and then you bet i did. Ah, crap. Shut the door. Iron Mike from Patreon. Should milk cover all the cereal, or should cereal form an island on top of the milk? This is a good question. I wouldn't form it in that exact way, probably. I think... Let's start here. Let's start here. What do you put in first regularly?

I'm 100% cereal first. It is 100% cereal first. If you put the milk in first, that is a sociopath. There is a reason for it. Yeah, I had that way of thinking. I always put the cereal in first because it's just, that's the order of operations that i was taught and it was good enough for my dad and my dad's dad and this is how we did cereal and the people

they i've seen it on the socials they go milk first and you put the cereal in and you think well that's you're breaking the order of operations this is highly illegal i alert the authorities but then you like think about it it's worse but but why your cereal stays crispy long there's a couple reasons jason give me another like to begin this why don't why don't you start i'll i'll back why is yours better why why the the way we have always done it why is that better other than that's the way we've always done i've got i got real reasons go for it well it's saturation mike it's about saturation of milk. Imagine you're eating for a moment a bowl of Czech cereal, maybe some live cereal.

Are we talking rice Chex or corn Chex? Irrelevant. Let's go corn. Let's go corn. I wouldn't be eating them. Okay, let's go rice. You want a level of permeation. Let's go rice.

You want a level of permeation. You want the milk to almost create a little, you know, a milk-chex combination that's like the milk was there to begin with. Like it's inside the chex. Yeah, you definitely want the cereal to have the experience of the milk. When it's all floating on top, some of it's not even touching. You say, well, rice cereal stays crunchier longer. You know how it stays the crunchiest no milk yeah as you say just have some dry cereal pour it in a cup and then eat dry cereal which is i mean don't hear what i'm not saying that is fine but and also really delicious but if you're having picks up the milk if you're but no the the cereal needs the pre-milk you don't you don't take an oreo

you don't take an oreo and like as quick as can, put it in milk and take it out. That's right. You put it in the milk and you leave it in the milk to have the magic that happens when milk saturates crunchy things. So you have to put the cereal in first. When you're pouring the milk, I don't just pour it in one spot. You don't just go in the center like a volcano? No, I'm pouring it over all of it. I actually go center.

Oh, a milk volcano. Well, upgrade. Pour it and get front to back, left to right, top to bottom. Spread that milk out. Look, I'm not saying it's perfect because I've done – the big mistake that can happen here is you go too much of the cereal and you don't kind of and so you get soggy

because you can't eat it fast enough. So you don't want to put too much in the bowl before the milk. You have to have a balance and it's completely dependent on the cereal of choice. Oh yeah, some get soggier quick. Yeah, like life cereal, which is, by the way, cinnamon life delicious. One of the best

cereals on earth that's one that you'd want to not fill the whole bowl you want to go about half eat it i mean maybe if you can keep up really fast what i was gonna say bigger spoon if you fill the whole bowl you just need to eat faster you need to be aware of what you've done and say i'm shoveling now and you know get get eaten and you can eat that fast. You can eat cinnamon light very fast. Do you go... So you're silverware, right?

There's always little spoon, big spoon. That's just... Yes, of course. All silverware comes like that. Another thing we've done forever. Do you go big spoon? Of course. I have never used a big spoon.

I have never... They're way too big. There's no point to soup. Sounds like it'd be great in a big spoon. You go small spoon? Big spoon's too big. Guys, open your minds. No, it's open your mouths. You gotta like stretch your cheeks out to get those spoons in there. Do you know how much more milk you get

in per bite? I'm telling you there are It's way better, man. No, no. You're cutting the sides of your lips. You wanna know how I got these scars? you, it's way better, man. No, no. You're cutting the sides of your lips. You want to know how I got these scars? Yeah, it's because I used the big spoon. I'm telling you, I'm not talking about a serving spoon. I don't know what you guys are talking about.

Your small mouth. I am so happy this is coming out because I think the majority of the people are with us, Mike. I really do. I think that most people do not use the big spoon. Why do they give us? They're way too big. They're not too big.

The reason they give you the big spoon. They are. They're too big. Al, what do you use? The small spoon. Come on. You're crazy. There are only two purposes to the big spoon.

One, scooping something like ice cream. Okay, I'm going to use that. Wait, do you eat your ice cream with a small spoon? I use the big spoon to scoop, and then I grab a small spoon to eat. You eat your ice cream with a small spoon? I eat everything. I use the big spoon for everything. Soups, cereals, ice cream.

No wonder I eat so much quantity. There is nothing I would use the big spoon for they're not in there for show man get one out and use it there is a second purpose the second purpose outside of scooping or presenting sell them well sure I mean people want the two it's display that's you know it's a great look on a table yeah but it's also for when you are out of the small spoons. That is the only time I have. It's a backup spoon and it's bigger? It is a backup spoon. And I would rather go.

I've eaten with a serving spoon one time. I've done the cereal because I was out of the spoons. I will go. It's a good time. I will go into the dishwasher. Yeah. I will get a dirty small spoon and I will wash it. Guys.

I can't. I've done that. Before you use the big spoon? Before I use the big spoon. The big spoon is listen i'm telling you you think you will like oreos right then you realize double stuffed oreos are better it's the same principle with cereal and the big spoon you get double the milk you are per bite you're so wrong when i go to a restaurant and they give me that size spoon with my soup,

I'm like, well, I got to drink it from the bowl now. Somebody's got to try this. Al, will you give it a go? No, he's just let us know in the Slack here that when he's out of the little spoons, he goes to the plasticware. Look, to me, those are grown up. When I was a kid, I used the kid's spoon. Never a big spoon. When I'm a grown up when i was a kid i used the kid's spoon never big spoon when i'm a grown-up i use the grown-up spoon no that's what it is it's kids

and grown-ups that's not a grown-up spoon that's an andre the giant spoon never big spoon he must he got in with the spoon makers hashtag big spoon hashtag never big spoon no you didn't do hashtag small spoon no hashtag never because that's the truth of it. I will do anything else. I'll use a fork for my cereal before a big spoon. You guys are missing out. The truth is it's not a small spoon. It's a perfect spoon.

Yes. It's a real spoon. Yes. Thank you. You have a spoon and a big spoon. Hashtag never big spoon. This is the final episode of the show. I'm telling you.

I will never go small spoon. I've done it before, and I feel like I'm some small ant. I think you're alone. I'm not alone. I mean. Al, you've got to take a poll of this office. Yeah, we'll get a poll on Twitter, too. All right.

Do we have time for another one of these? I thought I was the only one, brother. But the thing is, i've never really asked i've never opened up yeah we because we've lived in the shame of the little spoon but we've all experienced how how awful the big spoon is it's not awful it's amazing it's so heavy it's not heavy oh man i gotta you gotta put it one side in first in your mouth. What are you guys? You guys buying salad spoons? No, it's regular spoons. All right, listen.

All I'm asking, I'll pay for a box of cereal for you. Just do it once. But will you pay for the dental bill? Look, you can have the whole bowl of cereal in one spoonful. It's awesome. All right, we're going to draft.

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The Spitballers Draft. Hashtag Big Spoon. All right. We're drafting the coolest fictional monsters. Jason, you have the very first pick. What are you going with? Is there a 101 to you? There is a 101 because of the description of the draft. It's the coolest.

Yeah. And to me, there's one fictional monster type that is the coolest because it's rare for a monster to be portrayed anything other than just awful and evil and destroying this thing and killing those people. But this thing is so cool. Well, it does all those terrible things. While it does do all of those terrible things, sometimes it's the protagonist. I got people riding my monster.

I'm taking dragons. Yes. When I searched my mind for what the coolest was, it was pretty quick to find the dragon. Oh, when I searched my mind for what the coolest was... It's a dragon. It was pretty quick to find the dragon. Oh, man. Fire breathing and let's be honest. I mean, there's movies where the main character is the lovable dragon.

Well, you've got me concerned about my number one pick here in the draft already. Because you put a big focus on the cool factor. Yeah, well, that was the draft title. Coolest fictional monsters. Well, I... I wouldn't worry about that. After that, it was just... These are my favorites.

To me, the coolest fictional monster ever made is the alien from Aliens. The Xenomorph? The Xenomorph. The main alien. It's terrifying. It's unique. It's unique. It's, I think it's cool.

Yeah. No, it's not. You can't ride it. It goes through all the progressions. You do not want to try to ride a Xenomorph. No. They'll put a spider in your belly or on your face. It rides your face, yes.

And they don't, you know, they don't have fire breathing, but they do breathe another little mouth onto you. Yeah, because you, like. It bar another little mouth onto your onto you yeah and you because like it barfs a mouth onto you well i was thinking that the the big the alien queen she probably uses the big spoon oh for sure because her mouth has another mouth inside but the little mouth uses the little spoon which is how they're really made grown-ups and babies do you you're both babies just a larger mouth than we are aware of. No, this is not-

Everybody can use it. You're intimidated. It's a trick of the eye. It's like my teeth come down on the side of the big spoon. I can't even fit it between my teeth.

I want to know- I hope I go to your house and I hope you've bought the biggest big spoons that anybody's ever made and they're not normal big spoons. That's my only, and they're not normal big spoons. That's my only hope.

But I'm going with the Xenomorph, the alien from Aliens. It's on the list. It's a fantastic monster. All right. So, man. So, coolness factor, it's definitely in there. I have the two picks, so I don't know which one I actually would want first, but I'll

start with this one. I'm going to go with the sandworm from Dune. Oh, that's so good! That monster is awesome. You've got a scale there. He's the big spoon of worms. He is not on my list. I am so disappointed because

that monster is planet-sized. The idea that you have the creature going through the sand like it's water, that's just fun by itself. That's cool. And then, yes, the scope, the overall size of the sandworm. The teeth?

Yes, terrifying. The teeth that become religious knives? I mean, goodness gracious, that's a great pick. So I will go with the sandworm. Is that always called? What did you say? Yeah. They become what?

Religious knives. Have you seen Dune? Yeah, but- The knives of, I forget what the- Oh, the teeth become used. I got you. Yeah, the teeth separate by the humans. There's a prophecy of what those teeth knives do.

And with my second pick, I will go, funny enough, we were talking about pirate ships, because I'm going to take the Kraken. Oh. Define what is a Kraken. So a Kraken is a... It's what you do with a whip. Yes. Yes, that's how you start.

It's almost like a giant octopus type creature but it's got a big old monster face well and they're gigantic and they they sink your pirate ship okay so you're going with the kraken no it's good it's got a good name i mean that's a great name good brandy you can release the kraken oh you can release it you can't put it you can't no put away. You can be a baseball Kraken. It's not baseball. Is that not? No, it's hockey.

Oh, hockey. Whatever. They're all stupid. The Seattle Kraken. I thought you were back to the sound that the bat makes. Yeah, I thought you were making more jokes. Just one onomatopoeia. All right.

So you're going with the dune worm? Sandworm and the kraken. Yeah, dune worm. It's all the same. No, there's a name to that, isn't there? I think they just call it the sandworm, right? That's good. No, that's good enough.

That's a good name. All right. So I have one pick, right? So I am going to go with what I think is one of the coolest to see visually. It's also immortal. It also looks like the sun. I'm going with the Phoenix. Okay.

I'm going with the Phoenix, the bird that when you kill it, it's just reborn. It can't be killed. It's made of fire. I love a Phoenix. I don't view a Phoenix. It rises from the ashes. Much as a monster has a phoenix ever done anything bad because I feel

like it can heal oh do I need to pivot is that not a monster no no I will allow the phoenix I'm just saying like when I once you said coolest I started thinking about cool monsters phoenix is cool bad is your perspective I mean like in the Harry Potter when they're using the phoenix for stuff

I don't think Voldemort thought it was very cool no It's your perspective. I mean, like in the Harry Potter, when they're using the phoenix for stuff, I don't think Voldemort thought it was very cool. No, no. So if you're evil, it's pretty. Just saying. One man's monster is another man's hero. I've heard some rumors about some pretty, pretty off-the-beaten-path phoenixes flying around. And shady stuff?

Yeah, like gangs of them and stuff. Lighting everything on fire just leaving a trail of steel they don't leave any money old school stealing yeah old school classic thief um vintage that's right the name of the famous worm in Dune. So you have drafted Shia LaBeouf and Crackin' the Whip. All right, so I went with the phoenix. Jason, you get two picks. All right, well, I'm going to stick with the cool factor

because when I saw this monster in cinema, the first time, I was just like, whoa. When did you first see this monster in cinema the first time i was just like whoa when did you first see this monster 20 years ago yeah it's probably about 20 years i know what it is it's a balrog the the boxer from street fighter no the uh the from the shadows of the deep okay lord of the rings that what you know just like a demon with fire tentacles. The demon fire monster from Lord of the Rings. He just looks like a devil thing, right? He's got the horns, shadow, and fire. He's huge.

Yeah. And you know how they combated that? Only a wizard. That's right. There was not like, get the knight up in here, try to fight a Balrog, not happening. Mostly right. Fly, you fools. Yeah, so they ran.

Yeah. And you know who didn't? Who didn't pass? Who shall not pass? The Balrog. Thanks to the wizard. The wizard didn't pass either. Well he fell so he was fine. He fell a long way so he was absolutely fine. Just changed colors.

Alright. I found this grey gown while I was falling. I have dragons and Balrog, the shadow demon from Lord of the Rings. And I'm going to go name brand here because this was actually top of my list. When I think of classic cool monsters, no one's had more movies. No one's been... Apparently cool to me is you can be the bad guy and you can be the good

guy oh godzilla godzilla is very neutral godzilla is here to destroy and here to help so you just you it's just a matter of perspective it's just a matter of perspective so i will have godzilla dragons and balrog god Godzilla is very classic. He's just not that cool, man. Yeah. He's just not shaped right. He's got a laser beam from his mouth. Yeah.

I thought they did a pretty good job. The newest, so they have the monster verse, and where he breathes the fire directly into the monster's face, that part was pretty cool. You're like, okay, Godzilla's doing some serious work there. Bad heartburn. Yes. Get that man a Prilosec.

Yeah. And a mint. And also a way to get his head back on. All right, so for my third pick, I'm going to go with a simple, cool werewolf. Oh, werewolf was my next pick. Was it? Yeah.

Werewolf is awesome. I mean, werewolves are first of all just in cinema and in story they have taken kind of different shapes and forms you know and just how that werewolf looks but like you get to be kind of normal for half the time and then you know the full moon comes out and get a little hairy and one thing leads to another and you're eating things yeah and you don't remember any of it they're very cool werewolves are awesome and vicious and the only downside for werewolves to me is the werewolf from harry potter that ruined it everything is harry potter i'm just saying that that was the worst werewolf i don't remember the werewolf good for you man explain so i don't think that werewolf was bad the werewolf. I don't remember the werewolf. Good for you, man. I don't think the werewolf was bad.

The werewolf in that movie was- The shape? Yeah, there was the skinny, scrawny- That's what I'm saying. Go look in some literature. They got them all shapes and sizes. So he needed to eat? Yeah, he needed to-

Big spoon some stuff, man. Get a big spoon, you skinny werewolf. All right, Mike, you're up. All right, so I got my final two picks. Oh, man. So the first one I'm going to go with, I am fascinated by the tale of this monster. I'm going with Krampus.

And if you are not familiar with the story of Krampus, it is a European story. Maybe Germany. Don't quote me exactly, but essentially what Krampus is is he's like the anti-Santa Claus where if you are a good child, then Santa Claus comes and brings you the presents.

In America, if you're bad, you get coal. Right. Oh, but over in where Krampus lives, he shows up, puts you in a bag, and then takes you home and eats you. Sorry, children. Should have been better. You got eaten by Krampus. You don't really learn from that as much.

You don't get a redo the next year. The coal, you're like, ah, maybe I get presents next year. This one's more of a permanent. Do you think that's why kids are so bad in America? They don't get eaten when they're bad. Yeah. All right. Mike, one more pick. All right. So

with my final pick, I'm going to go. Oh, man. Uh, I mean, man, this is tough. I'm going to go with a, sorry, there's just, there's so many on the list. We're like, if we end the draft and this monster is not selected, it's just, it feels shameful.

You can change that right now. I can, but I'm going to go with, I'm just going to go good old fashioned zombies. Okay. I love zombie movies they are my favorite of all the the monster-esque type of movies i mean turns out that humans were the were the real monsters it's not actually the zombies but but the idea of that's just me snoring your social commentary on zombies i'm sorry i didn't need the lore lesson but go on uh but like in movies where it's just and the walk walking zombies please the running zombies what about swimming they're too terrifying have there ever been swimming zombies i mean you have flesh is all probably coming off in the water the running zombies can continue to run

underwater i believe What about skipping? Well, no, they're not coordinated enough for a skip. Nor happy enough. But they need to be just slow, very dumb, and that's where they get you is there's just so many of them. And eventually you're overwhelmed. Yeah. All right. I will go with the Demogorgon from Stranger Things.

Oh, that's a great pick. That's great. Apparently, I'm a big fan of mostly mouth for a monster face because the Demogorgon is just a big old gaping fly trap of teeth. But it's so crazy, creepy, cool. It's just my final pick. It's difficult, I think, to break into the scene with a with a new monster right and have it like change the change the the the culture of well this is now a monster that we

we all agree exists now forever yeah i mean people that have never watched stranger things you know uh whether it be just people who haven't seen it or or children right they know what a demogorgon is it's broken into the culture and i am really sad that that was not on my list between the dune worm and the demogorgon those those should those are like why are they not on my list well they they've been drafted uh well i'm saying coming into the draft. I'm disappointed in myself. You're kind of a dummy, Gorgon. Oh, yeah. I'm going to go with my final pick here. And look, I'm going to take this monster because, again... Are you going to pay respect?

It's not paying respect. It's just so cool. Honestly, I don't know if I've ever even seen the whole movie. I don't need to. I know how cool this monster is it's the predator okay the predator with the dreadlocks in the in the shoulder laser cannon yeah camouflage the fact that you could be invisible i mean an invisible dreadlocked killer come on that's as cool as monsters get to me well and then also has a face that opens up yeah it does it does with big old fangs really creepy glad they don't exist i'm glad the whole list doesn't exist not the phoenix i want a phoenix for a pet well that's

because it's not a monster yeah probably all right mike went with dragon balrog godzilla predator i have xenomorph pho Werewolf, Demogorgon. Mike has a Sandworm, Kraken, Krampus. He likes that language. Krampus, Kraken, and then the zombie. It's a good strong case. What was left off your list that you said was a shame if it wasn't? It's the Yeti.

Oh. I mean, like, Bigfoot is the OG. It's not really a monster. I always thought the Yeti was the, it's like the ice Bigfoot. Yes. Okay. But Bigfoot is a Yeti. The Abominable Snowman is a Yeti. I thought they were cousins. You're telling me you're not putting a leash on that thing and bringing them home?

Bigfoot? Yeah, the Yeti. I've seen the Hendersons. They didn't put a leash on him. No, but I'm saying... He was a friend. He was a free friend. I put a leash on all my friends.

King Kong. That's a good one. Dracula. Yeah. Pale Man from... Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah. I got a Basilisk.

What's it say again? I got Hydra. All the necks and heads cut him off and more grow. And then my personal favorite that I knew would be here at the end, if my list was taken, was Sully from Monsters, Inc. Oh, I see what you did there. He's a monster. He's pretty cool.

Then I also had... Centaurs? I had the Minotaur on there, and I had the Boogeyman. Oh, that's a good one. Because what exactly is the Boogeyman? Yeah, that's a good final question. I don't know, but I'm scared of the boogeyman. The boogeyman is whatever you're scared of.

I think, yeah, the boogeyman might be made of darkness. Yeah. Just like... Just pure shadow? Just like a shadow man. Like the paint where it's so black that it just takes all light away. You ever seen a room painted like that? Good to think about.

I have. That's where the boogeyman lives. Right in there. Boogeyman painted that room that's his bedroom what did we learn today the boogeyman has a bedroom honestly i i definitely learned that i'm i'm alone in using a giant spoon apparently which is the normal spoon to be used it is not it is not oh i will be asking people very shortly uh i. I learned that if you give money when you steal objects, it's really buying objects. It's just purchasing things, yeah.

For a great deal. I learned I got to figure out how I can hang out with 16-year-old Mike. You sound so cool. We're just going to be bros. All right, that is it for the show. Thank you for tuning in. Please tell your friends if you enjoy the Spitballers podcast. And back with a new one next week.

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