Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 217: Open Faced Lasagna & The Best Places To Hide Something - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 7, 2022

On this episode, we learn about Mike’s sneaky “heel hack”. We also discuss boogering a spider web, tickle workouts, and Jason’s soggy front. You also do not want to miss our draft of the best places to hide something valuable. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A rickety rack, a boop bop biddly beep bop. A rickety rack, a boop bop biddly beep bop. That was a full U-turn in the middle. That was, we need to turn back there. Let's get back to where we're comfortable.

Robot sounds. I enjoyed it. I had a heart. It did. And the nice thing is right before we were like even when the music started playing Andy knew he's like I've got nothing. That's right. He closed his eyes. He put his head in his hands.

Jason started staring at me staring at him, um, to try to make him uncomfortable. And, and I think it just put pressure on for you to come through in that big fashion. Well, you know, 217 episodes in excited to be with you. Spit wads, Al Borland in the building. What's up spit wads. And, uh, well, we have a great show. We have, would you rather, that's a great show. We have Would You Rather? That's a great question. And we are drafting the best places to hide something valuable. I am going with all of my picks have to be something I've seen on TV. That's in my head when I was trying to think of this TV or a movie.

Like, where do they hide it? And as I was making my list, that was just everything that came to mind. Okay. All right. Well, that'll be fun. There'll be some interesting pics. I'm sure.

Thank you for supporting the show for subscribing on Apple podcast, Spotify, reviewing this show. We appreciate it. Tell your family, tell your friends. Your family. I didn't say family. I mean, that's your friends that are your family, right? Your family. Yeah. You do have family. You've got family that you're not friendsily. That's your friends that are your family. Right. Your framily.

Yeah, you do have framily. You've got family that you're not friends with. That's right. You have friends that you're not family with. How is that not a thing already? Well, it just became a thing. You're framily members? Yeah.

I mean, in this world where we love to just do mishmash words. Well, it should be on the social media platforms. You know, you have your friends. Yeah. You should have your friends, your family, and then your family. The problem with the family button is that it lets your regular family members know where they stand. Yeah, they got to earn something.

They got to do something. Yeah, but you don't want your family members knowing they're not family. I don't think that's the case, though, because if you're in the family, you can't be in both. Oh, yeah. It lets the friends people know that they are on the outside, where the family people, they have their status of family. And that doesn't mean I like you. Yeah, that's exactly right.

I see Jason's point. Yeah. I mean, you'd have two tiers. We'd be setting up society a little different. No, because the family never gets moved into framily no matter what. Wait, how does family... How do you become framily? That's a friend who moves into the framily.

Oh, see, what we were thinking was the opposite. We were talking very differently. We were talking about these are family members who you're actually friends with. Who you like. The ones you like. But that's none of them. Well, that's for you. That's more of a you issue. Yeah, that you issue there's can we make everybody strangers yeah we're uh there's a there's a handful of family members that i really like yeah you're frenemies my friend oh no

all right well let's start the show start the show would you rather all right ryan from patreon what is happening there was uh we have people sprinting across producers running through the shot i love it ryan from patreon would you rather drink 12 ounces of water from a vase as a vase thank you mike can't it be a vase though too i want it to be fancy yeah okay from a vase it's a tomato tomato thing but not really because a tomato and a tomato in the end it is the same thing a vase and a vase one is worth a lot more money oh you think it's worth more because it's a vase? Oh, yeah. If I pay over a thousand dollars for a vase? It's not a vase. Goodness gracious. I cap out at a vase at like 50 bucks.

Do tomatoes cost more? No, that's what I'm saying. Tomatoes, tomatoes, they're the same price point. I'd love to just cut off halfway through the question. So never ever buy a vase because if you're paying more than $50 for a vase, they're all the same. Well, let's wait and see where we might hide valuable things, Mike.

Would you rather? In a vase. Wait, no, they'll steal the vase. Well, the vase becomes a vase if you put something of value in it. That would also be true. Would you rather drink 12 ounces of water from a vase that has two week old flowers That's not that old. or eat one giant spider web.

What? Yeah, this is the question. I didn't write it. That's for sure. Ryan from Patreon wrote it. Define giant spider web. I would say something that is it's about the size of a standard piece of paper.

Oh, it's a spider web. You'll eat that? Now, there's probably some flies in it. Probably. It's not a cobweb, it's a spider web. You'll eat that? Now, there's probably some flies in it. Probably. Maybe or maybe not. It's a spider web. Right, but even a spider web, I can take that thing,

I can roll that. I mean, what's the size of a, even a giant spider web, if you roll that thing down. Oh, it's tiny. It's barely the size, it's like a grain of sand. That being said.

It's very difficult to eat. Can we rewind for a second? You said it's not a cobweb. It's a spiderweb. I am unaware that there is a difference between a cobweb and a spiderweb. There is. A cobweb is a spiderweb that has been departed and has now collected dust and is not in use. Wait, is that a spitballer's definition?

No, that's a real definition. It's an abandoned spiderweb? What? Yeah, it's a cobweb. This is real? That is literally the word that they use when defining it. It refers to an abandoned web. Thank you very much.

Impressive. That is incredible. Send me the honorary doctorate. Impressive. I didn't know spiders were just moving willy-nilly. Old and covered with dust. I'm just quoting the dictionary. I knew that the dust thing felt accurate.

My point in even saying it was the fact that a spider web likely has very fresh bugs in it, whereas a cobweb, the bugs have been eaten. It might. They've disintegrated, and you're just eating. Well, let's say one bug. One bug. Max one bug. There's a fly.

There's got to be at least one bug. All right. There's a fly. You have to consume the whole thing fly there's got to be at least one bug all right there's a fly you have to consume the whole thing that's going to be very difficult no that will not be difficult that will not be difficult no okay hold on it's all about it's like eating you know it's way worse than cotton candy it's it's very sticky see cotton candy dissolves it also might be a spider maybe the easiest thing if there's spider i'm out I'm out. Okay, I'm out. You just said there might be. I'm out. Could be. Could be, I'm out. That's all I need.

Anything, I'm out. In fact, the name, if it's a cobweb, okay, spider web, too much of the name. I'm out. But what is, I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, none of us, you guys have not ever tried a spider web? No, I've never tried one. Not recently. Do you have to use those cotton candy things?

Yeah, you got to wind it up. But maybe because these bugs stick to this thing, I would imagine it is very difficult. Like, is swallowing it easy? The bugs are weak. That's the problem. There's their bugs. They're insignificant. But spider webs are sticky.

Like, if you go through a spider web and you feel it on your skin, it sticks to you. It clings. It does cling. Yeah, it clings to you. I get it. But it's like a booger. I mean, you give this thing enough rubbing up in the hands. That's not a fact.

Oh, for sure. You cannot booger a spiderweb. If I've said it once, I'll say it a thousand times. You can't booger a web. It's very snot-like. It's not snot-like. It's not snot-like. There are some boogers that no matter how many times you roll it or flick, it will not remove.

And then the best you could do is change fingers. You know what I mean? You're trying to get it off with the other finger, and there is some part of that thing that is magically sticky. But eventually enough of your finger oil will break it down, and you get a flick. Mike has never cleared a spider web in all of his days. Oh, I definitely

have. But swallowing a spider web that might just have one of those magically sticky spots, I think would be a real problem. This is no problem. You think you can just gulp down a spider web? You're a maniac. He's going to roll it into a ball and hope he can basically swallow it like a pill.

You cannot do that. Yes, you can. The booger analogy, that booger, you want to know how you get that off your finger? Just bite it. That thing's off your finger. Lickety split. This is like a sticky fishing line. You can't just roll that into a little ball.

Oh, yes, you can. How long does it- I officially am drinking the plant water. fishing line you can't you can't just roll that into a little ball oh yes you can how long i officially am drinking the plant water 12 ounces is a that's a lot of dirt water it's it's very nutritious also waterborne bacteria is one of the leading causes of serious illness and death in on the planet i'm not that worried about the two-week-old vase vase water. No, that's just, that's about it. I'm not worried about bacteria. Vase water, they don't actually put water in vases. They water their plants with wine.

Well, I'll take the vase wine. But the 12 ounces is a good amount of water. And I think the spider web... It's almost like a cup and a half. Like, I might, it might take me a little bit more time to make sure I've got all the spider web in a place where I'm going to house it. But the actual, the action of eating the spider web will be very fast.

There's no, I mean, 12 ounces of water you could put down in less than two seconds. That's pretty quick. No, you are not two seconds. Oh, absolutely. No, you are not. I've done it 100 times in my life. You are not getting 12 ounces down in two seconds. Bring me 12 ounces.

Bring me 12 ounces. I will make a $100 bet with you. $100 bet. Okay. Here we go. We've got the first on our bet. 12 ounces of water in two seconds. 12 ounces of water in two seconds.

Okay, we'll work this out. In the meantime, I am concerned that Mike may try to swallow this spider web, and it will only go halfway down and become a spider web in his very throat. That could happen. Where spiders begin to grow, obviously, from the web. How do you... You can't Heimlich someone if it's... A spider web?

...sticky. No. You know what I mean? Now you're having trouble breathing. Yeah. I mean, I don't think people are... In know, in other countries, you know how they eat bugs and they eat other things that we don't eat? Yes.

They're not eating spider webs. Well, no, but they're using them to catch the things that they want to eat. I think you will spend 45 minutes going like this, trying to get the thing. Now, how did we measure this water? I have a measuring cup. He has a measuring cup. We have a measuring cup. The water has been, yeah, we do.

Okay. All right. he's got... Oh, man. This is going to be tough in two seconds. I'll give you the play-by-play. Do we have a timer? We have a stopwatch back there, right? Yep, we do.

I got one right here. Give me just a sec. Oh, shoot. This isn't going to happen. No, it's not. But it's going to be like five seconds. I just said the wrong number. Five seconds is not two seconds.

All right. No, this is still good. Okay, hold on. you go when jeremy's gonna count you down yeah you gotta wait till the water touches or you know you give me a chance here we'll give them you give a note we'll give you a three two one click okay ready jeremy go ahead three two one go oh you started way too soon he's covered that was i that was four seconds my hold on hold on hold on so that was four seconds so you cheated and you poured a bunch of it on yourself well i was trying to turn as fast as i could 100 okay thank you i owe you 100 in addition to that the amount of water that I'm sitting in right now that went straight to my inappropriates.

You got a soggy bottom now. I got a soggy front, Mike. I got a soggy front, and it is uncomfortable. So you can, just to be clear, you can, in four seconds, drink half a cup of water and pour the other half on your crotch. That's right. Okay, we did it. But if I had said five seconds. If you had said five seconds, I would have said yes.

Okay, but give me. The bet would have changed. Because I know how much 12 ounces of water is. All right. All right, but pretend that was Vos water now that you did it. I mean, I would have drank it the same way as fast as I could. Would have poured Vos water on his crotch. To get back to the the my crotch is

soaking right now i don't know that was way more than 12 it's incredible that you managed to do that i am proud of myself but so getting back to the original question i'm proud of myself yes i'm proud of you that's the fastest hundred bucks of all time you made is four second hundred dollars that's a good that's a good deal that being being said, that means that the Voss water can be drank in five seconds. Maybe. I just proved it. Yeah, no. You got to give him that, Mike.

No, no, no, no. Because you drank perfectly clean, fresh water. Now go get some Voss water. I am going with the water. I don't want to eat the spider web. Okay. I'm going to go with the water as well It wasn't that bad and it's kind of cooling me off right now Right but then like 12 ounces

Of something that you did not want To drink sitting in your stomach That's going to be unpleasant No I agree but so will that one bug you had to eat You had to eat at least one bug A one bug is no problem I couldn't eat a fly If it was a fly just just eat one dead fly?

I'll tell you, I wouldn't do that for $100. I mean... Would you eat a fly? You wouldn't eat a fly for $100? No way. I don't think I could. We're talking a regular fly. Run of the mill.

Not like a fruit fly. Yeah. Fruit fly. I eat fruit flies for fun. I accidentally drink those all the time. Yeah. Final answer, Mike? You're going with the spider web.

The final answer is I do have $100 that has been sent to me by Jackson. I'm a man of my word. Okay. Well, that was the first time money has exchanged hands live on the show. Accepted. No takesie-backsies. Well, there could be a bet later in the show. We'll see.

We'll see. I hope to have this exchange quite a few times going back and forth simon from patreon which valuable power would you rather get okay we've got three choices the about the ability to cure someone's depression by hugging them okay that's great that's a great one ability to cure someone's illness by tickling them for one minute the ability to cure someone's physical injury by kissing it. Which of those three? Now, the one I found to be a little bit disturbing is the one minute of tickles.

That's a long tickle. Because the cure hasn't happened until the end of the tickle. Right. So you've got one minute of torturing an ill person is the way it sounds, right? Let's say you're down with the flu, Mike. You've had the flu before of course someone tickles you for one minute while you're sick with the flu but then you're better oh every time i mean i know you'd be in on it but that'd be a bad minute right oh for sure it'll be a terrible now remind me the third one because we could cure depression with

a hug you can cure illness with a tickle or a boo boo-boo. An owie. A physical injury. So you break your leg, someone can just kiss it and it fixes. Now, when I'm looking at this, all of these are serious. I don't want to denigrate any of this. Yeah, they're all really good powers. Only the injury appears to be potentially deadly. You know what I mean? And the illness.

And the depression. So all of them are very deadly. All right. Okay. I'm just thinking. I know what you mean by. In an emergency. In an accident.

Someone gets in a car crash. They're injured. I can kiss it all better. Now. Now. Hold on. Hold on. You are also now kissing a gaping neck wound.

Yeah. That was the first thought I had. Genuinely. When it was being read, I was like, I got to kiss like this. That's not like eating a spider web no it's like oh it's a rug burn no problem you know come come here i'll kiss that and your booboo will go away but like oh no that's a that's a knife wound like i don't want oh man no like you have that now you have this it is a french kiss too you have a superpower that you never want to share with anybody. I can take another one away here because here's another superpower I don't really want.

Now, you can tickle this person with a serious illness. Oh, yeah. And there's nothing curing you. And you can't tickle yourself. They've got to tickle you back. Well, they don't have the power. It's my power. And that's the problem.

I'm ticklish. I can't tickle myself. So I can't get rid that's the problem. I'm ticklish. I can't tickle myself. So I can't get rid of my own illness. I could if I could tickle myself. So in the second one, you get sick. In the third one, you kiss some blood. You're just grossed out. And then you get sick physically.

Oh, but you're really grossed out. The first one, they don't want you to hug them necessarily, right? Until the hug. Because then I think anyone who has their depression taken away would i mean that is that that hug would be the best hug yeah of their life i would be depressed if you hugged me you would be depressed you couldn't be though because he would take it away what a paradox i mean i think that's the fastest bout of depression i think that's the one that that i want to go with it brings joy it takes away sadness and it's a you know it's one of those like actual you know when

people are depressed you actually want to give them a hug you want to have that embrace it come here you know someone is going through something sad, and you have that embrace, that holding. Like, I am here with you. I am here for you. That is like a normal response. So this is the natural, empathetic, normal response you want to do that actually now has a superpower to get rid of the thing causing it. That seems like perfection. Like, the others have a real problem

with the power. This is just pure-hearted gold. You're not busting out the feather? The feather tickler? Here comes the tickler! You put it on the end of a long stick and you don't get sick. I don't think feathers actually tickle someone.

Do you not have ticklish feet? Maybe to the feet. And the neck? No, the neck couldn't make me tickle. The Oh, yeah. Feather to the foot? Yeah, man. Do you not have ticklish feet? Maybe to the feet. Maybe to the feet. And the neck? No, the neck couldn't make me tickle. Yeah, no, the neck for sure. The goat, as they call it? And the schnoz?

Get a feather right in the nostrils? Oh, yeah. That might make me sneeze. That's a, yeah. That's not a tickle. Oh, it's a tickle sneeze. All right. That's a different kind of tickle.

It's like when you get a tickle at your nose, you're not like. Yeah, but it's still a tickle. I think we should under, one minute is a long still a tickle i think we are we should under one minute is a long time to tickle somebody it is right because you normally you know you can get away with even like i tickle my my kids i mean it's like stop stop stop after like two seconds so it's torture let me tell you two seconds is a lot quicker than you think can you die i have learned that two seconds it's probably more like four seconds andy is my guess of what you're thinking how long you could tickle your kids uh i bet you a hundred dollars do you uh

can you die from being tickled oh that's anybody ever been killed in history by being tickled i see somebody googling over there yeah we're on it i mean in the in the the history of humanity probably certainly it caused something like oh someone tickled the ribs and they jumped out and there's there was a bus okay they should not have done that or you tickle the driver and they swerve oh that you never tickle the driver never tickle the driver that is a rule in my car that is screamed too often. Okay, so we got... All right, so we need to get some... We do have an article here. I don't know how to say the word.

Tickle. Wait. Aneurysm? Is that aneurysm? Yeah. Okay, I don't know how to spell aneurysm. So we've had somebody have an aneurysm during a tickle fight? Okay, that makes sense.

Could you? Because of so much laughing. I mean, I don't want to stumble down the mountain too far here, but, I mean, why don't we, could we get some secrets from other governments through this kind of a torture method? Of the what? The tickle method. The tickle method?

Yeah. I mean, it's not good. I mean, forget waterboarding. Forget waterboarding. Yeah. And if the person has any underlying conditions, it says it can lead to a stroke, heart attack, and respiratory arrest. That makes sense.

But that's like pretty much anything you do to somebody that has the possibility of that. Yeah. Walking into a room unannounced could give someone a heart attack. So we're going to take that off the table. Could you pass out, though? You could probably pass out. Yeah. A minute of tickling is a lot of- And we're talking to take that off the table. Could you pass out, though? You could probably pass out. Yeah. A minute of tickling is a lot of.

And we're talking max tickle. Yeah, we're talking max tickle. But I feel like could you lose weight? You might be able to lose weight being tickled. I go to a gym that is just a tickle gym. Oh, wow. And I go there, and they just tickle me for a while, and then it gets my heart rate up.

And then I leave. I didn't have to do nothing. Yeah, they also have this machine that they put on you that just zaps your muscles. It's a workout, too. I didn't have to do nothing. Yeah, they also have this machine that they put on you that just zaps your muscles. It's a workout too. And his Apple Watch says, are you being tickled right now? And then he starts to work out.

We have to final answer this thing. Oh, my final answer is definitely curing depression with a golden hug. I'm going to go with the tickling one. I know it's not going to be a good minute. Who's kissing the wounds? Not me.

That's gross. Sorry. Unfortunately, it's the last one. You do have it. Yeah. No, I'm sorry. Enjoy that. Well, those people are going to perish.

Sorry. I will get all finger cuts removed. Don't worry. If you slice yourself on that paper, come my way. Well, I can hit like a bruise. I got a finger cut. You did. A paper cut. If you got like a bruise, OK, I can handle that.

Yeah. But if you got if you're bleeding, no. If the bones sticking out, go to the ER. I ain't kissing that thing. All right. Woody from Twitter in a fight to the death with a foe. Would you rather get a six shooter with a single bullet placed randomly in the cylinder or a machete? Your opponent gets the other weapon.

Wow. The gun? Yeah, for sure. Click, click, click, click, click, click. You're dead. Click, click, click, click, click, boom. And it might just be boom. I mean, I can maintain the aim for six clicks.

I will fix this question very easily. You get a six shooter. There are two bullets in the chambers. You don't know where they're at. Okay. But one of them's bad? And you get one shot. Are you taking the gun or the machete?

You've basically got a one in three for having the bullet. So we got a 33% chance? Yeah. Wait, I don't understand. You're saying- There's two random bullets having the bullet. So we got a 33% chance? Yeah. Wait, I don't understand. You're saying- There's two random bullets in the cylinder. It's a six shooter, so you got a one in three chance. And you spin it.

You're spinning the- And then the other person gets a machete. And you only get to shoot the gun once. You get to pull the trigger once. That's right. It may not fire. Oh, okay. I get it now.

You get a 33% chance of even having it fire, and then I'm done with it. I could use it as a weapon still, right? You could. You could swing it around. A bludgeoning device. Yeah, which will not be that good against the machete. No. Maybe.

No, I would go machete there because it's 66% chance. So what if it's three bullets? Let's go 50-50 shot. You got to go with the bullet. Then I'm taking the bullet. But then what's your percentage chance of hitting them? Because then you got to do some advanced math. Yeah. Are you better than 50-50 on hitting them? Because then you've got to do some advanced math. Yeah.

Are you better than 50-50 on hitting them? Yeah, I think so. I don't know what type of distance. I'm going to let them run at me with the machete for a while. Here's the truth. You're talking about the distance. What kind of distance? You're going to be out of the range of the machete,

or at least you hope you are. That's true. You're going to need to in order to win. I mean, I've played enough duck hunting in my day. That's the key. You're in a boxing ring oh i like that that's okay yeah i could yeah i can hit someone for what it's worth i think you guys discounted the original question way too quickly as far as like being able to get the

shot off accurately and if you miss now you're weaponless yeah but i i mean i'm not a gun person but i imagine if you're just pointing it like at your target and you just cycle through the trigger real fast. Also, I think you are underestimating what the person with the machete is going to do, like what they should do, right? You're at your corners in the boxing ring. The bell rings. You need to charge. Charge a person with the gun pointed at you. It ain't't gonna be easy

you're gonna start you're gonna be wanting to dodge and duck and dive and you're you're not charging lay down it's just not happening you run in a zigzag pattern yeah i mean i go into a roll i go 100 that's the right move you gotta dive roll and i stab myself with my own machetes in the roll and then they walk out with the gun having not been fired. And they go, that was easy. That guy just killed himself. And I've got a gun. Just tiger rolling all.

Ha, hoo, hey. They're just sitting there. Now, is there a chance? See, if I had the machete, here's a strategy. You're in a boxing ring, which changes everything. Do you throw the machete? No, no, no. No, no, no.

Listen, if you throw the machete, the person with the gun 100% has to react to the machete. And in the amount of time that they have to react to the machete flying through the air, you can close that distance actually. But now I have no weapon. Yeah. And they've got a gun at a close distance. Yeah, but they have no weapon either as long as you close the distance. How do they have...

If you close the distance, their gun disappears? You just grab the gun, get it out of the way from them. Yeah, you just do that. Grab the gun without shooting your face. I've seen the TikToks on how you disarm somebody. It's so easy. Now the gun's pointed at you.

Okay, new plan. One more. You're in a boxing ring, right? Very springy floor. It's so easy. You just go, which car? Now the gun's pointed at you. Okay, new plan. One more. You're in a boxing ring, right? Very springy floor. It's not working. When you charge, you jump as high as you can so you get shot in the lowest part of your body so you can continue fighting. See, actually, I think the opposite is the better route. I think that if someone-

Get shot in the head? No, if someone has a machete and you're going to say, I'm going to try to block a machete strike to get a close distance while I'm click, click, clicking, you're probably going to be okay. Wait, you get six shots again? No. You're cycling through trying to get to the bull. Yeah, I'm just saying, like, one swing of a machete certainly could, but if I'm defending myself, that's probably not taking me out.

Also, how bouncy are boxing rings? That term bouncy was thrown out there. I threw it out there like WWE mats. Are they like the gymnastics? No, they're not like that. I mean, these guys aren't jumping around six feet high, punching each other. Dude, that would be awesome. WWE should have a trampoline event where the boxing ring is a trampoline,

and they're like running. It's moon boxing. Heck yeah, man. That's the new sport. Moon boxing. Or you just put them in those old moon shoes from the 80s. I mean, or you put them on the moon. Either way. You don't remember those?

No. Back when we were young, they had the shoes that were the bouncy shoes. Like springs? Yes. Wow. They didn't work that well. That's why they're gone. No, there was lots of injuries. Back when we were young, they had the shoes that were the bouncy shoes. Like springs? Yes. Wow. They didn't work that well. That's why they're gone.

No, there was lots of injuries. All right. We are going to move on. That's a great question. Luke wants to know, if you have two lasagnas and you put one on top of the other, is it now one lasagna or is it two lasagnas? Nope, it's one lasagna. That's for sure. That's an easy one because there's no rule to the layer amount on a lasagna. What is common?

Exactly, Mike. Exactly. No one knows. No, I'm asking a question. No one knows? There isn't an answer. I'm sure. It's not like three of the noodle?

Here's the question. The base of a lasagna, I've had a lot of lasagnas and the base oftentimes just based on the baking can get a little crispy yeah will there be an acknowledgement of the crispy middle on this new single lasagna and could that disrupt it right if you put a house on another house with the foundation you still have two houses you're saying the lasagna right the lasagnas have been cooked already that's separate cooks and now you're you're you're slicing out a piece of lasagna you're putting it on because if you put if you're making somebody go did you serve me two pieces of lasagna stacked on top of each other or do they say

thank you for my piece of lasagna well i mean obviously if it's it's got to be an internal piece it has to because if it's got the sides and you've got the full like you know the the attachment i accept an internal piece being stacked internal piece on the bottom is a little it's certainly not going to be optimal for keeping your lasagna together but i don't think anybody would say why have you served me one lasagna on top of another lasagna? I would just like to acknowledge that lasagna is- Delicious? It's fine.

Okay. It is. Of all the Italian dishes, that's on the lower rung for me. Here's the problem, and I- I'm never- People are like, oh, it's lasagna. You're excited for lasagna? I'm not going to fight you on this, Mike.

I'm not going to fight you on this because there's so many layers in a lasagna. That's just opportunities to make a mistake. So a peak lasagna is really, really good. Yes. But you can mess up a lasagna on many different layers. You can mess one layer up. It ruins the lasagna. How often when you are dishing the lasagna do you get it intact?

Very rarely. Without it just sliding. And now you're eating like an open-faced lasagna do you get it intact very rarely without it just sliding and now it's it's not a it's now you're eating a uh like an open-faced lasagna yeah that's why i took out the uh side dishes of the lasagna because that'll stay together because of that crust on the side and the bottom if you've got an internal piece i'm pretty sure that that's impossible to stay together anybody ever deep fried a piece of lasagna? Now we're talking. To keep it all together? Heck yes.

Dude, fire that up. That is some American ingenuity. Right. I appreciate where your mind is going and the possibilities, but- I'm looking it up. I think what we need to do is we need to do the double stack lasagna and then the deep fry. Then it's definitely one piece.

Then it is definitely one piece. But lasagna, looking this up, how many layers is in a lasagna? Three. Unless you look at a different site, four. Unless you look at a different site, five, six. That five is way too many. No, these are saying this is normal. No.

Four to six is the standard, some sites say. There is no rule to how deep a lasagna is. Let me ask you, is a layer constituted by simply one piece of pasta would that count as an additional layer i believe that each layer is the pasta so like if you go pasta cheese pasta you're at two layers interesting i would have thought it's the guts between the between the the pastas yeah like the Like the meat, then the cheese, then the meat. Back to the house, your roof is not a floor. It's the roof. It's the ceiling.

Okay. No one lives up there. So hold on. Let me describe to you a slice of lasagna, and you tell me how many layers it has. Okay, do it. Let's go. All right. We got crust.

Yep. We got cheese. Yep. Did you say crust? Yeah, just the bottom layer. Of noodles. Yes. Okay, gotcha. Go on, go on. Now we got say crust yeah just the bottom layer of noodles yes okay gotcha go on go on

now we gotta start over like graham cracker crust at the bottom of this thing oh let's try that on for size all right noodle okay crust uh cheese yes noodle okay uh meat uh noodle, cheese noodle. That's a three-layer lasagna. That's a three-layer. That's a three-layer. I had six. Wait, you had six? You count both? No, you're counting noodle and guts.

Stuffing as a layer. Is that what I'm doing? That's what you just did. Oh, that sounds delicious. You also counted the basement. You counted the foundation. Do you feel like more of a man if you have a more layers to your lasagna i'm sitting here eating six layer lasagna you guys are eating three layers let me guess you put a little pepper

on top another layer oh man i mean if there's maybe some parm on top i get eight nine ten layers all right uh i think we settled that. Cameron. Nice. You must survive the next month as an animal while the entire animal kingdom hunts you down. Which animal are you choosing? I'm a bear. I'm a bear. I mean, we have been deep diving and exploring very recently some of the- I'm a cheetah.

Oh, so you're just running. Oh, yeah. Now, cheetahs die by other animals all the time. Nope, never died before. Really? Every cheetah you see out're just running oh yeah now cheetahs die by other animals no never died before real every cheetah you see out there's the first one they've yeah they've they don't die how do cheetahs get killed they're not they're predators so they're at the bottom they're not smart cheetahs correct but they're so fast well that they are that and that's good because they are not smart what are they they're dumb that's that's what because they are not smart. They're dumb? That's what I've heard.

Well, look, I just wanted to run away from things. I feel like that's your best bet of not being killed. Yeah, but you also will eventually be tired. I know cheetahs can barely sprint. They can go for a little while, then they're super tired. If the entire animal kingdom is after you, you will get tired. Oh, is that what it said? Oh, the entire animal kingdom. Lions, leopards get tired. Oh, is that what it said? I thought so. Oh, the entire animal kingdom.

Lions, leopards, and hyenas. Oh, screw this. I'm a peregrine falcon. All prey on cheetah. Now we're taken to the air, and I like your theory. I'm getting out of there. Okay, that might even be better than a bear. I don't think so.

It's the fastest flying creature. Yeah, like if you- It can't be caught. If you can fly- Jet engines is my problem look if you can fly the only concern for you now for for a while will be other creatures of flight yeah but you can also find like a nice little nook or cranny in a in a cliff okay that's that's true hide where no one else can get you if you are wanting to not live your life if you're wanting to

just go run and hide like a coward. It's just survive for a month. Are you fighting the animal kingdom? I'm living my normal life. Which, okay, a bear would be able to do that. Yeah, because we were talking about- Like a polar bear? This is about a week ago. We probably go with the polar bear.

I think they're the biggest. We were talking about how incredibly strong chimpanzees are which if you didn't realize like some people around this studio didn't realize they will tear your face off literally and have torn faces i saw an interview recently from like an expert talking about this and the level of definitiveness that he had and it was about like could this super mma fighter survive a fight with this chimp and it was like no no he would be killed immediately he's like he has arms would be ripped off of his body they literally said they go out of 100 fights how many does he win he goes he would lose all 100 so there's no doubt there i mean and that was the chimpanzee so So then we were like, oh my gosh, a gorilla, a full-size mammoth gorilla that a chimpanzee cannot handle.

That's got to be the apex, most unstoppable creature on land. And then we were like, well, it turns out that the, like, what is it, the silverback gorilla? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those, compared to a grizzly bear, they got nothing on the grizzly because the grizzly's got the – It's like 800 pounds or so. Yeah, I mean, it's way bigger, just as strong, has the claws and the teeth that the gorillas don't have.

So, I mean, if you're talking about what are you – you know, the lion versus the grizzly, grizzly. That's why I think the polar is the actual apex. Oh, the polar. Yeah, you might be right there. I'm very biased to where I live. I have not visited the Arctic recently. No, yours was a desert bear.

Yes, mine was a desert bear. But then you talk about elephants, and it's... Oh, that's actually a really good... Enough Animal Kingdom could take out an elephant, though, right? I don't know. I mean, I guess if there's other elephants involved. I mean, if you threw like... Oh, there's a problem with your bear.

Yeah. Now the bears are coming to get you. I think it's got to be the rest of the Animal Kingdom. Your kind aren't fighting for you, but they are not fighting against you. A bear is losing against, I don't know, 100 elephants. They're not winning that. Oh, yes. They're just getting trampled.

I don't think anything could take down a full size. If you're the biggest elephant out there, I don't think the pack of lions can take down one of these elephants. They are so big. 20 tigers could take an elephant out. Yeah, maybe if it's just the one. That's why I'm flying away, people. Any of you want to be a worm and hide under the ground? I mean, that's a whole month.

That's where they live. That's not hiding. But no, I'm not worried about the hiding. Nothing can get to you six feet down. Go spend a month in a room of solitary confinement and then come out a normal person. Jason, $100. Nothing. Aside from humans, lions are the only predators powerful enough to kill an elephant.

Okay. So you're learning today. There's a bunch of them. I am learning. Because one of them can't do it. There's no way. Now, here's the problem. If I was going to attack the falcon, because I said I'd go falcon,

I'd be waiting for the storm to roll in, right? Because that's when you might be a little bit more vulnerable as a bird. Yeah. They can fly in the rain, though. You think they can fly in a storm, a hurricane? Yeah, for sure. Not where they want to go. Did you say not for sure?

No, I said for sure. Mike said not. I said for sure. No, have you never seen? Birds don't like the storm when there's a strong wind. Have you never seen the bird that's flapping and flying except it's not moving? Yes, I have seen that. But I've seen it. They can't out-duel the wind.

But I'm saying it can stay afloat and it stays flying. I've seen birds fly in a hurricane. Not well. They're not enjoying life. It's not really flying. It's kind of being thrown around. Yeah, this is like a sailboat in the ocean during a hurricane. Not well. They're not enjoying life. It's not really flying. It's kind of being thrown around. Yeah, this is like a sailboat in the ocean during a storm. You go where the wind wants you to go.

These little birds aren't fighting the wind. Sure, but that doesn't mean that other animals aren't fighting the same wind and they're going to attack me. I was just saying it would ground the bird and make them vulnerable to the other attackers. Okay, final answer. I will choose the peregrine falcon. Yeah one more here should sack lunch sandwiches always be cut in half or is it acceptable to leave them whole andrew from patreon would like to know and a follow-up do you teach your children some sort of uh discipline by making them eat a whole sandwich

no that's nonsense um because they got to break through the you know you they have the crust if you do not cut there is yeah they either have to tear it in half and get messy hands yes or they got to break through the kid problem of not eating crust which is how does this happen and my son still to this day now he's never asked me to cut it off he just doesn't eat it yeah he'll just eat to the yeah and then it's i'm full i'm so full i couldn't ever how does this happen that we because i'm sure you guys were guilty too like i wouldn't eat the crust oh no pizza crust like no thank you and then eventually at some point in your your maturation you're like well maybe i guess I'll try it. And you go, oh, yeah, it's just like the rest of the bread.

It's not just as good as the rest of the bread. It's not. What? Because it doesn't have the filling all the way to the edge. Sometimes it's even better. Well, pizza crust, sure. But we're talking about two different things. Like sourdough?

Okay, no, you're right on that. You're right on that. That is different. But we're talking run-of-the-mill white bread off the shelf. White bread, the crust is not as good. It's exactly the same. No, it isn't. It's a different texture.

Look, the outside got baked more and is a different flavor and a different texture. Yeah, it's not fair to say that it's kind of better on sourdough, but then it's not any different on other ones. Well, the sourdough, because, yeah, I guess you're saying that the sourdough is far more crispy. But even when it's just the white bread or the wheat bread, I don't know. It feels like it's all the same softness to me. Now, what we do in the Moore household. Would you eat an all-crust sandwich?

Sure. Oh, the heel? The heel. Perfect question. Oh, yeah. No, you know how many heel sandwiches my children have eaten without their knowledge? Wait, they don't know? How could they not know? Are their eyes closed? You hide them on the bottom

and they don't care? You take the heels. Okay? You flip it. Okay. So exposed heel is out. No way. You do secret heel? You monster. You peanut butter and jelly. Oh, oh. You put it together and then you take your sandwich cutter and you cut it. And they have Wait, first of all, sandwich cutter? Oh, then you take your sandwich cutter, and you cut it.

And they have- Wait, first of all, sandwich cutter? Oh, yeah. The circle sandwich cutter is- Oh, I've never heard of this. You've got to have this for the children because they don't like it. But the irony is that that's to make it a crustless sandwich. Yes.

And you're making an all-crust sandwich. And they have no idea. So you just get personal satisfaction- Yes, I do. Of making them think that they're getting what and they have no problem they have no because you would never because on the outside it just looks like regular my mind is blown that is genius that is so mean that is literally the meanest thing i've heard of some healthier right they're not the wiser i've heard of animals ripping faces off i've

never heard of something this mean you are making them eat the heel of a loaf of bread without their express written consent. No, they choose to eat the sandwich. They say, Dad, I need a sandwich. They say, Dad, I trust you. And you say, ha ha ha ha. That's amazing. And I made a delicious sandwich. The flip.

He does the flip. Oh my goodness. And then he covers it with peanut butter to hide it. And then he goes and dances in the other room. Just inside out the heels and circle cut. Have you done a double heel? Yeah, I've done it with. You've served a child with a heel on both sides flipped?

Yes. So, yes. Oh, you. You monster. They don't know. Here, eat up. They don't know because there's no difference. Yeah.

Wow. Don't cheat up, we'll tell we'll tell you oh man that is a prank what you got to do is give one kid the double heel sandwich and make it obvious and have them complain and give the other the other one they brag about it and then reveal at the end oh very nice i don't believe you that you can't tell a difference impressive 100 dollars mike that I can tell the difference between a heel sandwich and a non-heel sandwich. The problem with this is it's just opinion. But if I gave you, if we had 100 sandwiches, could you do it every single, yeah,

could you pick it out every time? Without a doubt. I don't know. I mean, I can do that in under five seconds, Mike. It is a texture difference. Yeah, maybe. And a flavor difference. I don't know.

You might be able to do it. I'm not fully doubting. Well, we've solved life's problems. Let's move on. The Spitballers Draft. Today we are drafting the best places to hide something valuable. Now I know my co-hosts very well. And with the first pick, unfortunately, look, this wouldn't be my,

necessarily my favorite place to hide something. But you think that we would take it immediately? But I'm a little worried that it would be one of your top picks. Okay. So unfortunately, you have backed me into a corner. We're just sitting here, man. No, this is on both of you. We've done nothing. But I'm going to have to go with my butt.

Oh, I did not see that coming. It's not even on my list. It is not on my list. Wait a minute. Oh, my goodness. Oh, brother. Oh, that just happened. This is your fault.

It's supposed to be your fault. It's never a thought. No, no. I've got, when you see my list. a thought no no i've got when you see my list no of course it's not on my list people people do that yeah people do do that yeah not me not me i'm not choosing that on my list but andy is 101 he's gonna hide something in his butt oh yes I am so happy we backed him into that corner, Mike. I don't know how we did it, but great job. I thought for sure you'd choose your butt.

No. Because I would never do it. If it was really valuable and you didn't want anybody to get it. I mean, I won't find it there, I promise. Wow. Great pick. Great pick. We're starting it off strong with the butt.

Criminals do it all the time, guys. That is true. I know it happens. I'm not a criminal. I'm just going to hide my cash in a place I can hide it. I'm just trying to conceal some documents. Yeah, I'm not trying to hide anything inappropriate over here. Oh, well, you're not finding this.

No. No, that cash is yours. Keep it safe. All right, Mike. Well. Okay. The 101 is taken care of. So.

I took a drink, and then I remembered that he drafted his butt, and I almost lost it. The foot cleanse got my back. It's not as extreme. But I would, an aquarium. Okay, in an aquarium. And like put that in a Ziploc bag or something. Pretty boring. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, I mean, sure, i have to get a waterproof package a little bit of an inconvenience as do i a little bit more of an inconvenience but go on and just put it under the under the uh the rocks there and then you fill with water. I mean, come on. Horrible mistake. No one's... I thought for sure you were taking toilet or something. Well, in a matter of speaking. That's where he reveals his treasure. Okay.

Oh man, I thought there was one for sure. Okay, I'm going to take the same one Andy took, just slightly different. I'm going to take the same one Andy took, just slightly different. I'm going to go with a hole in the backyard, which is, you know, we both have a hole in the backyard. All right. No, I got it. For my first pick.

And then for my second pick, I just always want one of these. And so I'm going to draft it so that I get one. It's a safe behind a painting. I just want to open the painting. I've thought about putting one of those in. Yeah, that'd be so cool. Like, I get to, like, whoa, this is a painting. No, look.

And it opens, and then there's a safe behind it. You probably got a six-shooter in there, too. Oh, for sure, but only one bullet. Yeah. I like it because as a human, you you're like you think that art's valuable just wait till you see what the real value is yeah i keep it behind the valuables so you you're that way when someone comes and steals your valuable painting they're like oh dude there's another there's another thing right here uh buried in the backyard a wall safe and then mike you have the bottom of an

aquarium and uh i'm gonna go you guys wish you'd been able to pick my pick here i mean like you got it before we could yes i did egg on our face yes i did uh i will go with dog kennel okay interesting okay yeah i mean like now what's that that's the uh not a dog house? Just a kennel? I feel like a dog house has to be outside of your house. You're running a risk of the dog eating your valuables. Sure, sure. But I feel like I can attach the pillow or whatever they sleep on, and you have the envelope of money under there.

If the dog is sleeping in the dog kennel, the cat burglar is not going in there. Now, you have brought up an interesting idea. I had not thought about my dog's butt. Because eventually, this animal will eat that money. Whose butt is available? Because I got some things to hide.

I got three more picks, and I'm wanting to know where I can put these things. Whose butt? All right, so obviously I've already got in my butt with my 101, and you chose Bariat, which was going to be in there. I'm going to go with bottom of a well. You can't stop from the bottom.

I'm going to the bottom of a well. I'm lowering my valuables down into the well. No one's going down there. No one's going there because bottom of a well. I'm lowering my valuables down into the well. No one's going down there. No one's going there because it's just water. You only fall into a well. You don't go into a well. If someone's down in that well, they fell in. And once they're there?

Yeah, they can't get out. How many skeletons are in your well? That's right. Dozens. Yes. Everybody's well has several dead bodies. No one goes in there to look. The second choice, a little different than Jason's.

In the walls. I'm hiding something valuable inside of the walls. My hope is that I never tell anybody about it, pass away, and then generations later, they go to remodel the house, they find the millions, and I've blessed somebody. I have. When I was doing this, I came up with my list really easily, but then I searched to see if I was forgetting anything, and I saw all these great-

I clearly did not search. All these great places to hide stuff, and all I kept thinking when I looked at all these really intricate, like this is where you actually want to hide something that a robber will never find. I'm like, I will never remember where I put this. I will hide my valuable there, and that is gone. I just deleted the valuable from my life. That's fair.

Yeah, and eventually that flower container will get thrown away and it's gone. That's how I was thinking about this. If someone had broken into my house and they're looking for the valuables, where are the obvious places to put it? They ain't looking there.

No, you're safe. You're not even at home. Yeah, I'm hoping I'm not there. Alright, so you got your two picks? The bottom of the well and inside of the walls. Okay. Yes. And also my butt. Yes.

Yes, well documented. A place where I feel like a burglar is not going to look for something of high value, it's in my children's closet up there at the top where the kids cannot reach it. So I understand that you're like, well, if your kid finds it. But if you put it at the top of the closet, the kid can't get up there. And who's putting valuables in there? Just asking for a friend. You got any of your valuables in these places?

Yeah, that's a good question. I don't know. Hey, burglars, listen up. We hide nothing anywhere here. I'm in trouble. Yeah, burglars, listen up. We hide nothing anywhere here. I'm in trouble. Yeah. They know, Andy. They know.

Yeah. I feel like when the burglar has, I don't know, whatever, their five minutes or whatever they give themselves to go quickly through a house, in the kid's room, they're going to open it up, see stuffed animals, go, there's nothing valuable in here. Okay. All right. At least to me. I don't know.

It's not the first place they're looking. All right. Jason, you got two picks. So I told you I was going with where you always see things hidden in movies. You got the safe behind the picture. It's very fancy. But if you feel that creak in the floor,'re going to want to pull that that rug away and those floorboards are loose so i'm hiding it under the floor under a rug nice because i've

always wanted something like that it would be really fun you know it's like oh because you the two-step process is really important to me um you know that you've got a you got to pull something back to pull something back right yeah because if it's just under the rug, it's like... I thought you were going to go with safe under there as well. Safe under the rug. Why is that rug so high up off the ground? Don't look under that rug. There's nothing here.

You can put the safe in the floor. That is where I was going, but no, it's funnier. It's just the safe covered by a rug. Don't look under that. It's just a safe covered by a rug. Yes, but covered by a rug. Don't look under that. It's just a rug. All right. So one more, Jason.

All right. Well, since I'm going with my thing and a thing motif here, I feel committed to that, and I'm looking through my list, and I'm wrapping it in aluminum foil and putting it in the freezer. That's getting thrown out. Yeah, that's the problem. That was my worry. That's getting thrown out for sure. It's in the back of the freezer. That's getting thrown out. Yeah, that's the problem. That was my worry. That's getting thrown out for sure. It's in the back of the freezer.

And here's the nice thing. It's interesting. You're thinking cash for all of this. Anything small. It could be a flash drive. It could be cash. It could be documents. It could be-

Baseball cards? Yeah. Is a flash drive- What about a ring? In a freezer. That'll work. But a flash drive in a freezer, would that break? No, I don't think it would break.

It depends what kind. I'll bet you $100. Here, take your valuables. How long? I think, according to my research, flash drives can stay in a freezer indefinitely. I've done no research. You've got to take some trust in those reports when you do that. Yeah, because if you're wrong,

that thing's toast. Well, it's the opposite. It's frozen, yes. Your assets have been frozen. We are back to you with your final pick. All right. The pick I thought you were going to make, Andy, is the back of the toilet. Yes, it's on my list.

It's the same idea as the aquarium. Is that better in the back or in the top part of the toilet? That's what's on my list. I mean, it's the same idea as the aquarium. Is that better in the back or in the top part of the toilet? That's what I mean. I'm not taping it to the back. I'm putting it in the tank. In the tank. In the tank of the toilet. Maybe that's common enough now, but to me, that feels like a fine place.

It's a gift for the plumber. That's the one problem. Okay. Hey, when you fix that toilet. Don't take the money. So I've got in my butt at the bottom of a well, inside the walls. And I'm going to go with a little

bit of a twist here at the end. I mean, more than I've already... I'm going to go with swallow it. In plain sight. I'm going in plain... Because there's nothing I can if it's the cash is on the table well i was thinking like when i'm looking for something i can't find the thing right in

front of my face yeah so neither can the robbers right no way they're gonna look under every cabinet and in those toilets but that that countertop, they won't see it coming. They'll say, there's no way that's real cash. That's right. No one would hide the money. That's the decoy. Now you get it. Well, I- On the counter.

On the counter, in plain sight. I'm a bit of a genius. Yeah, no, I love it. Yeah. So here is, are we, this is- That's it. I believe that's it. We're done.

All right. Here's some of the things I had under's it. I believe that's it. All right. Here's some of the things I had under the mattress. You know, classic. I have up in a tree and in the attic. You got to get the height sometimes. People are lazy. They ain't be climbing. I should have taken in a vase because it was on my list.

I do have a planter in mine. Yeah. And a drop ceiling. You know, you always see that in the movies. Oh, yeah. Where do they have the tiles that go up? But I don't have any drop ceilings at my house. And so the last one was in your sock.

Keep it close to you. You know what I mean? The one you're wearing. Yes. So you're just stepping on it all day. Well, it's not under. These are ankle socks, and it is on the side of my leg. So it's rubbing against your ankle all day.

I've actually done this many, many times, hidden stuff in my sock, and you don't even know it's there. That sounds very uncomfortable. No, you have no idea it's there. It sounds awful. You'd put like a diamond ring in your sock and walk around? Well, I did do that once when I proposed to my wife, and it was fine.

Wait, you did? You put it in your sock? I did, and it was wait you did you put it in your sock i did but it was in a it was in a box i put the whole box in there you were in two box you were in tube socks yeah if i had to wear tube socks to keep the full box ring you didn't want it in your pocket were you without pockets well uh it was really bulky in the pocket okay i was trying to hide all right i was trying to hide so it was it wasn't very pocket, and you can tell. And I was trying to hide. All right, hot shot. I was trying to hide it. So it wasn't very obvious that you had a goiter sticking out the side of your- No, because I had pants on over that.

Jinkos. So you couldn't- Yeah, but how baggy are these pants? Just normal baggy. And it was fine. It covered it no problem. And then when you bend down on one knee- She saw it.

Guess where you are. You're at your sock. Unless you're wearing MC Hammer pants. Just regular pants. How big do you think this ring is? Did her ring smell a little bit? This ring is three feet wide. I'm not worried about the ring.

I'm worried about the box. That sounds gigantic. The box is just normal ring box size. What did we learn today? I learned that Andy doesn't know us as well as he thinks that's fair i learned that it takes approximately five seconds to drink 12 ounces of water yep yep learned that lesson today as well and i learned that mike is a monster for feeding his kids that you're a genius it's a double heel, double bird sandwich.

Oh, man. All right. That'll do it for the Spitballers. For Al Borland and company, farewell. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out