Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 218: Blonde Roast Colonic & A Farm Fight To The Death - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

Today we talk about driving without a windshield, friends that brag too much, and getting a root canal. Then, the fellas share some real life wacky news stories before drafting farm tools for a fight to the death. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Tap-ta-tap-tap-a-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta- and then in your head you're going oh crap that's not enough that's not enough and then you end it with a big I knew I you had to build you got to go somewhere you got to tell a story and you can't tell the story at max volume you gotta start somewhere welcome dynamics no yeah no, you're the musician. Jason's here. I am. That was it. We have Is This Real Life, Would You Rather? We are drafting today.

And look, I'm excited. I'm excited because I know today is going to be one of our top 219 episodes we've ever done. Well, that's great. This is only 218, but we're giving room for in case this is... Got to have margin for error. Yeah, exactly. So you can follow the show at SpitballersPod if you are so inclined over on Twitter. Follow Jason at JasonFFL.

Mike is at FFHitman. Yes. You can follow me at Andy Holloway, and SpitballersPod.com is the website. Let's get it going. Would you rather. All right. We are into would you rather with this question from Britain from Patreon.

Breton. Breton. Yes. Yes. Breton. Bretton breton yes it's like a baton yeah you gotta yeah but it's from a different country right uh would you rather have no windshield or have your car's horn wired to your brake pedal that's a funny one okay come on i mean if the car horn is wired to the brake pedal, if most of you out there are like me, look, we drive automatics. We do not drive the stick shift cars, the manuals. So when you're at the red light,

your foot is on the brake pedal the entire time. And I mean, maybe you could put your car into park but you are just sitting there you are holding the the the horn on for minutes at a time possibly but you have to have a windshield right no you just put on some goggles i think you need a windshield what you should tell that to the bikers well then do you wear a biker helmet in your car just i mean that would make the most motorcycle helmet you get you can't just wear goggles because if you get hit in the face or something like in the mouth but motorcycle drivers do they don't they use helmets not always not in arizona yeah it's so funny in arizona you do not need a helmet uh to drive a motorcycle and legally speaking yeah right you not need a helmet to drive a motorcycle. Legally speaking.

Yeah, right. You definitely need a helmet on a motorcycle, but not legally. Right. And so we see people, it's funny because my first thought with this question. But legally, you need some type of glasses. Oh, do you? Yes. Okay.

Because your eyes can get. Otherwise, you get a real bad dry eye. Oh, right. Because your eyes could get it. Otherwise, you get a real bad dry eye. Oh, right. Look, the number one problem across the nation when it comes to motorcycles and riding them, just nasty dry eyes. Yeah, you don't want to have red, itchy eyes that feel uncomfortable. I mean, we've all had a rock hit our windshield.

Yeah. Now, go back in time to when that happened. Now, take away the windshield from the equation and let's not even say and put your face yes not even eyes you got the goggles on you're legal you're street legal here forehead it just i mean this thing cracks my my windshield and puts a hole in it what's it doing to my forehead? Which is your face's windshield, your forehead. Yeah, as mom always said. Windshield to the soul? Yeah.

Thank you. I mean, I imagine it's very painful. I also imagine maybe Al Borland has been hit in the face with a rock before. How did that feel, Al? I have not been hit in the face with a rock. Really? I'm surprised. That's surprising.

That's shocking. With a windshield the size of... Looking at you, I thought many times. I've actually been hit in the face with a rock before. Like someone threw it? Someone threw a... Some random kid threw a rock when I was in grade school, and I was hit. He doesn't know it was me.

I was hit in the face, and my face exploded. Your face... Define your face exploded. Like they stitched it back up? Like there was blood everywhere. Oh. Yeah. Like it just missed my up? Like there was blood everywhere. Oh. Yeah. Like it just missed my eye.

It hit me right in the nostril. Yeah. But I mean, the face is a very bleedy area. And it's not. I'm sure you didn't get hit with a pebble. No, you're right. I got hit with a big old rock. Yeah.

The things that hit our car windshields aren't big old. So why do we even have windshields then? It's for dry eye yeah i think this is about the the eyes a long time ago big eye drop was taken over the country and we we put our foot down with the windshield and what no they were with no windshields because everyone's eyes were drying out so we said well we got to solve that no more selling your moisturizing drops well i'm just thinking to myself like you're telling me little pebbles hit my windshield. Yeah.

And then we all know, like, if a tire comes off a car and hits your windshield, your windshield's not helping you. My windshield. It's going straight through it. On the way home on Sunday, driving home with the boy, a nice piece of tread was kicked up by a friendly driver in front of me. So I'm driving on the freeway. Yeah. There's a piece of, as there is from time to time, some shrapnel of tire tread. It's like this big.

For those listening at home, it may be like a four-inch area. Easily avoidable because it is so small. You could just- By the car in front of you? Yeah. You could have just positioned it easily between your tires, not hit. No, they decided they need to hit it, launched this thing in the air, and that smacked my windshield, and I about broke my neck

due to my startling capabilities. Were you trying to dodge? Oh, yeah. Did it come through? I went, the eyes fully closed. I ducked down like I was trying to be a tortoise going into my shell. Now, what if you didn't have a windshield? Oh, dead.

Just dead. So wouldn't it be better to honk your horn? No. You're just too annoying. Socially dead or physically dead is the two questions here. Like how many red lights are you going to holding your horn down before someone tire irons you in the face? Which would be bad. Yeah.

I will say that. I'll take my chances with the pebbles. I've never had a piece of shrapnel hit my car windshield. It's terrifying. It sounds bad, but it's never happened to me. I have been at a red light before. So I will take the windshield. I have experience.

Yeah, I'm with you. Calvin from the windshield. I have experience. Yeah, I'm with you. Calvin from the website, would you rather have a friend who is a bit too proud about how in shape they are or how much money they have? So too proud about the vanity of physical appearance? I got a follow-up question. Okay. Are they in shape? Yeah.

Yeah, I think that- Okay. And they are rich. They have money and they brag about it. they are rich they have money and they brag about it okay they're in shape and they brag about it and a bit too proud that's right that's the right amount of proud to be annoying yeah because the big time proud they're in their own world like the people that are that over the top about this stuff it becomes almost a joke right like it's not you know the subtle pride but the subtle obvious pride is the worst kind of implication yeah because it's the humble brag because you still hang out

you want me to take care of that bill you still can you still have a relationship there you haven't just written them off because they're but then it's just because they have money they buy you stuff so then you're saying maybe there's an advantage to being around the wealthy person who brags about their wealth because their wealth can go to you their wealth will be shared their muscles cannot be bequeathed no i yeah i can't do anything with their muscles other than feel inadequate not inspired and just stand next to them squeezing my own tummy going oh now that being oh that being said i would say that more often that the you know when when these two braggarts exist right more often the person who

is really in good shape is they're doing right they didn't luck into money they weren't born with money or you know a. It's earned pride. Exactly. They have a right to feel good about the fact that they work out three different times a day because they're putting in that work. Now there are certainly people out there that have earned a great salary, but there's

a lot of people that don't. I don't know how many people just luck their way into a six-pack. No one. Well, some people do. Some people have better. I want to be one of those people. It's too late.

Oh, it's way too late. It's too late for us. We got a 36-pack, man. But, I mean, you have to stand next to them. I mean, like the personal money, what are they going to have, like a fancy suit? I don't care. I don't care. But if they're over there just like casually peck bouncing you know or like a you would they would definitely

do the uh what the the beaches over there move where they're like oh i gotta pick this thing up and then they're flexing and they're they're vascular veins i guess the money can benefit you more yeah they're always being like you want to do a pool party? It's November 15th, Fred. It's like, yeah, but there's shirt off. Shirt skins, I'm skins. Yeah, if someone's bragging about their money, all you got to really do

is just be like, prove it. You know what I mean? Two words, now it's mine that's not bad so give me the money braggart mark from twitter always hit every red light for the rest of your entire life or always get slow internet after the sun goes down that's a weird one yes there's two inconveniences but internet is life so i feel like there are it's not wrong this is right after he said he's always at a red light too but that's the point that's the point i feel like when i drive to work right i already feel like i'm

hitting every red light you feel like an unlucky red light driver? Well, sometimes. Certainly not. You don't pace your speed properly? It's definitely not always. Oh, that's malarkey. What a lie that he's been told. Remember when they used to have signs up, and they're like, these lights are- They've been timed to 40 miles an hour. They've been timed to 40 miles an hour. Nonsense.

Bull crap. They have not. You guys don't buy into that? No, I tested that. It never worked. Did you now no and what you needed you went the speed limit if it was for i tried it i tried it i did i have tested i've tested when the signs were up oh it's just a bold-faced lie do you want to know how you hit

more green lights faster just keep going faster your odds don't listen to any odds of hitting the green light are better but my point is like no there's certain times i take the kids to school and i'm i'm like blown away i hit every green light and i mention it so i'm certainly not a red light bad luck person but i have had plenty of experiences where i'm hitting every red light yeah you want to know what happens i still get to my destination i'm still okay it's not the end of the world to hit every red light. But I do a lot. Like, I'm a night owl. When the sun goes down, you know, I might be doing work, you know, late into the night on the computer.

Are there day owls over there? Yes, there's owls. But the phrase, you're like, oh, I'm a night owl. That's a good point. But it's just a redundant thing because owls are up at night, and so you call them night owls. We don't say like, oh, I'm a night bat. You know what I mean? That's right.

Because all bats are just out at night. Yeah. It's a nocturnal animal. That being said, there was an owl, full barn owl looking, big owl, in our neighborhood. It's been around, which Andy- Yeah, I've seen owls. We're in the same neighborhood basically yeah um but it's been like on one of the homes in our neighborhood over and

over oh in the day yeah it sleeps during the day on the house where do you where would you want where do you think they go to the hotel a tree a tree I mean, you're just sleeping right out in the open? Excuse me, do you have any rooms available? I'm an owl. Yes, right out in the open. They sleep all over the place. Yes, really. It's a wild animal.

And that's not to say part of the morning they're not up. It doesn't lay down to sleep. That's obvious now that I say that. But, like, it just seemed like right on the... Did it go one foot up too? No, but like... Because they do that. Our neighbors have sent us pictures because they wanted everyone to be aware.

If you've got small dogs or something, there's like an owl that could eat your dogs. Do owls eat dogs? They pick them up. I mean, if your dog is small enough, which, come on. If your dog is owl-sized, like if it could be prey for an owl get a bigger dog i love our small dog could your dog do you feel like an owl could take oh yeah oh for sure an owl could pick up and yeah enjoy um get a bigger dog but yeah i guess i watch out for coyotes too then well yes that's that's fair owl perched up so you're telling me are all owls

asleep in the day like they're just i believe that owls are a nocturnal species yeah they're you know the twilight hours are you know which it's actually i mean i don't know if you have noticed this as a human very difficult to sleep when the sun is beaming down upon your face is just sending us pictures of dead owls and pretending they're sleeping for Jason. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. I can't take it. They're so sleepy.

Look at the cute little guys. I was really tuckered out. Oh, man. Their wings spread wide open, eyes closed. Yeah, taking a good nap. But, yeah, I mean, he might be moving a little bit. That's because you wake up sometimes when you're sleeping. Okay.

Well, I guess I'll... And these are animals too. So they do stuff different than us. Every red light forever is really intense. You never catch a break. Well, you never hit a red light on a freeway. That's true. You just take more freeways.

Good luck getting there. If you know you're going to be hitting every single red light on a freeway. Just take more freeways. Good luck getting there. If you know you're going to be hitting every single red light, I think that your outlook on life would be adjusted. You'd understand that's how you drive. What if I tell you that no matter what, you always hit

the yellow light? Oh, so you have to make the decision every time? No, but your decision. There is no decision. You are just far enough away that I have to stop. Oh, I see what you're saying. The worst case scenario. It's not just red when you pull up, so maybe three seconds later.

No, the light goes. That is so much worse. So you always think you're about to go through, but then you can't. You know what's funny about that is you come up to red lights all the time. Very common. Yeah. But when I come up to any yellow light that I can't make, I'm upset every single time. Would that change your answer?

It absolutely would change my answer. Because I don't think about, like, if a light is red and I'm just pulling up, I don't even think about it. It's just, this is just life. It's just driving. Nothing special is happening. The best part of this is you could just set the rule as you have to stop if you see yellow. No matter what. Oh, man.

So you see it turn to yellow, you slam the brakes. That's dangerous. That's far more dangerous. You ever done that? You ever miscalled it when you were... I have miscalled a light fixture. Where you're like, I should have gone through, but you wanted to be... Not the one where you go late and you run a red.

The one where you do the early and you feel like a doofus. Yeah. A doofus. Yeah. You stop too early and then the car that was behind you goes around you and goes through the light. You've done that? Yeah.

What is the story here with yellow lights, and why are they not all exactly the same? The timing? Because there are – we've all hit yellow lights where it's like yellow, red. Because they can't keep – they've got to keep you guessing. Is that what it is? If you know exactly that every yellow light is going to be the exact same, you know how to play them.

I feel like it has to have something to to be the exact same you know how to play them i feel like it has to have something to do with the size of the intersection yeah the amount of traffic federal guidelines recommend yellow lights three to six seconds but then due to other things it would be changed but i don't know it feels like look i'm not interested in the truth that's my speculation i was just posted because i find that funny. Three to six seconds is literally 2X. Yeah, that's a very wide margin. A six-second yellow light, you could casually stroll through it. I think you put the six seconds on the really chill intersections

so that people can just roll right through. And you put the three seconds on the tight ones where you need to get traffic moving faster. I feel like the opposite. I feel like when there's a lot of traffic and you need the time to get people through, when it's chill, it's just like, hey, there's probably not even traffic here.

Yellow, red, go. Or they're all exactly the same so people know how to gauge a yellow light properly. Ridiculous. And we're not running red lights. Would you like to answer another question? Yeah. Would you rather have a root canal or a colonoscopy? John from Patreon. ridiculous and we're not running red lights uh would you like to answer another question yeah would you rather have a root canal or a colonoscopy john from patreon very simple question can i

change my previous answer yeah i would not like to answer another question oh that one i have i we've got two you have two producers in the building i have never had a root canal i've never had a root canal but that's only one of root canal. But that's only one of two. You've done the colonoscopy? I have. Okay. I haven't done. I didn't perform one.

I was performed on. I was the... Hello, sir. My name's Andy. I will be your fill-in doctor today. I mean, is that a colonoscopur if you're the one that did it? Colonoscopier? I don't think that's it have you had either i have not had either to my knowledge i feel like a lot of people get root canals i feel like we're in the minority that we've never had one

al have you had a root canal i've had two and then i hear they're bad i thought have you how many colonoscopies have you had i've had had none. Oh, so you're a 2-0 root canal? Yep. Both involved a canal. My root canals were both, I was like 12 years old. On your root canal? So what's funny is I thought when Andy was your age. That's when you get older, yeah.

I thought most people have root canals at an older age. Or you take tooth damage also. Yeah. If you get hit really hard. What is a root canal? I have literally no idea. I believe basically. You got to get way down in the canal

they they hear the root i thought it was they dig the root out of the tooth what they grind it out right because event when you have a root canal eventually that you will have to replace that tooth because it's going to die yeah because that's my understanding i thought root canals are like cavities that have gone so so deep that you have to... Root canal treatment is a treatment sequence for the infected pulp of a tooth, which is intended to result in the elimination of infection. So is that the inside of a tooth? Yes. That's just called pulp?

I guess. Yeah, you got the hard white stuff and then the pulp on the inside. Ugh, gross. I'm like a no-pulp man. I'm a no-pulp. Yeah, and I don't want pulp in my teeth or my orange juice you need the pulp in your teeth

wait so do they put more pulp in when they take it out no they take it out and then eventually your tooth turns black and dies that's not a root canal root canals they take it out and my tooth dies I don't want that that's toothanasia they usually seal it back up and crown it

I can swear that a root canal has to be replaced eventually Am I wrong? That's toothanasia. Yeah. No, they usually seal it back up and crown it or something, and then it's fine, I think. Well, yeah, but they crowned it. I can swear that a root canal has to be replaced eventually. Maybe I've believed that wrong my whole life, maybe. Well, you've never had one, and you've never had a colonoscopy. Here is the thing. But I have had a colonic. Okay.

What's the difference? Braggart? No, no, no. I'm just letting you know. The colonic is where they they uh they go in and they kind of wash everything out oh yeah they fill you up with water it is on oh man uh so if you're not familiar with the colonic they say it's a healthy thing to do and colonic people yeah Yeah. Was this just-

Big colonic. This was just for fun? Yes. It was for a night out. I saw the sign. Date night. And I was like, you know, I've been thinking about doing this. I need a washout.

I mean, but it's not- It's not medical. Yeah, it's not medical like the doctor said. Right. It was a prescribed by a doctor. They're not doctors that do it either. Right. But it's. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think so. I don't think. These are like the. Do you have a garden hose? You can perform a claw. But so the way it goes, it's supposed to be good for gut health. I don't know.

Same people that sell the oils or whatever. Yes. Okay. But you, at least for me, I go into. It's performed. You've told me about this before. It's performed in someone's house. No, it's not. Oh, yeah.

In someone's house? So there you go. What? You bought a Kalanick off Craigslist? You're feeling real comfortable to start. Come on. Wait, is that... That's real.

This is real. This is real. My mind is blown right now. This is real. As was... Yes, as were my insides but you so you lay on your side you get a very uh uncomfortable hose placed and oh no and then they and then the ladies like okay here we go and they they wash it a few times but they they load you up with water, and what you feel is you're laying. You're really vulnerable.

You're laying kind of trouser down next to this person, and then you get the most overwhelming feeling of you have to poop that you have ever felt in your entire life, but your body, you're trained. You don't poop on public. You don't poop when there's someone sitting next to you. Wait, they stay in the room with you? What do you think?

They put the hose in and leave? Yes. I'm going to go watch a show. I'll be back in 20 minutes. No, please leave. No, because they wash in and out a few times. This is not good. Oh, it was...

Oh, it was not great. How many have you had? One. Look, the colonoscopy, on the other hand, you're in a twilight sleep, so you don't remember anything. So you're in the astral plane. You're in the astral plane. Apparently, in the twilight sleep, you can't follow instructions. apparently in the twilight sleep you can't follow instructions so i was given instructions but they perform the procedure which is medically certified not done in a house mine was done in a doctor's

office and uh they check you out and then you wake up in a bed that's nothing i'll do that i am learning so much right now i'm'm at the Mayo Clinic's website learning about... About colonics? Well, I just wanted to know more information about this great procedure. Does Mayo do that? I'm hearing good things. No, it does not. It just says, is colon cleansing a good way to eliminate toxins in your body?

Yes. Is the question. But I found this paragraph fun. But colon cleansing, also called a colonic or a colonic irrigation, for such purposes isn't necessary. That's because your digestive system and bowel already eliminates waste of material. But it says, during a colon cleanse, large amounts of water, and this is my favorite part, sometimes up to 16 gallons, and possibly other substances such as herbs or coffee. Yeah, I've heard about the old coffee enemas. I went with the blonde roast.

Nice. So you go into someone's house and you're like, I highly recommend the blonde roast, the Pike's Place, for shooting that up there. Wow. Did you, I mean, one-to-one testimonial here. I know you've only gotten one. Right.

Did you have benefits? Well, if by benefits you mean extreme diarrhea for about two days and then no BMs for the next two days. Yeah. And everything was just completely thrown out of whack. Then, yes, I had that. Make sure your colon cleansing practitioner is reputable uh that's one of the big uh markers here they were they were three out of five stars

we've got to move forward here um no colonics there al not for me not yet not yet no but did we get confirmation for one uh did we get confirmation? Here's the- The dentist can save your tooth by removing the infected pulp and filling it with a replacement material. Yeah. Replacement pulp. I'm going to take the root canoe. Over the colonoscopy. But the colonoscopy-

It's a good nap. That's just a nap. And it can save your life. I'll take the colonoscopy. There you go. Anticholonic. Not very partial. Like what the rule of thumb is, right?

When you hit that big 4-0. Is it 4-0 or 5-0? I think when you're 50, maybe. Guys who turn 40 just keep pushing it down. Like, no, I heard it was 75. Well, Jason, you would know. Yeah. That's why I'm asking.

I would know. Are you asking for it? Are you due? It is recommended adults age 45 to 75. so I'm in the clear, fellas. Perfect. That was written by a 44-year-old. All right. We are moving on.

Is this real life? All right, it's time for Is This Real Life, where we each share a real-life story from the real-life world that has happened with one another. Well, I'll start us off because my owl story in our neighborhood, just perching around apparently. And maybe this is super normal elsewhere in America. Like, oh yeah, we have owls. Animals? Yeah.

Owls are pretty normal. Where we live? Yeah. They're around. Seriously? Yeah. It's like the first owl in the wild I feel like I've ever seen. I showed you a video.

I had an owl attack another owl on my porch a couple of years ago. In your defense, the first time I ever saw one was nighttime, and up on a light post there was a giant creature that, I mean, it's on the light so you have to squint. You can barely see it, but it looked like a cat. And I, at this point, didn't know we had owls. And I was like, how in the heck did a cat get up onto a light post? And it made no sense.

How did this happen? Can they climb metal? Can they really climb? And I'm just staring at this thing for quite a while. Eventually, it swooped down. And I said, that is not a cat. That is no cat with wings. When did cats start flying? You couldn't accept that it was an owl.

All right, so what's your story? Okay, so my story reads, buzzards that vomit when threatened and leave piles of acidic droppings have invaded a small town and nobody knows why. And nobody knows why. So they vomit? They got vomit bombs? So apparently they got both directions of these buzzards is a problem. Okay.

First of all, it seems like from this article and my extensive research now on buzzards, that buzzards in general will vomit when startled. Basically, yeah. Is that because they have no other way to fight? I don't. Because they're just buzzards? I don't know, Mike. I thought you were doing research over here.

I'm still learning. I'm working on the doctorate. Their poop is heavily acidic, has been removing paint from cars. And so these are problems. These are serious BMs. These are serious BMs. But the real problem is how many there are. There was, on Wednesday, 28 buzzards sat on a cell tower along main street

there was a woman uh local resident Allie told the paper that the height of the invasion she counted 58 buzzards perched around her house so we're talking goodness swarms of these buzzards and the the town can't get rid of them oh i've got uh a method is it good are you gonna put them to a nice little nap yeah they're all gonna take a nap they might look real sleepy these aren't endangered buzzards are they i don't think buzzards can be in danger i do have an update for everyone who perhaps you were thinking like me. A buzzard and a vulture look nothing alike. Oh, really? Wait, for real? So what is a buzzard smaller?

Yes. So I just Googled buzzard because I'm like. It's a fun word. Buzzard. Yeah, it's great. But all I can see is a vulture. And then people also ask, is a buzzard the same as a vultures? The vultures are large, bald birds.

But buzzards are smaller vultures and theyultures are large bald birds but buzzards are smaller vultures and they prefer to hunt attack and eat their prey while the creatures are somewhat alive well wow that's pretty rude um but they like this this article says that although called buzzards the birds are either black or turkey vultures so i've always thought all vultures are buzzards but not all buzzards are vultures. Maybe you say the same thing twice. I said, no. Okay. I just heard it wrong.

He said it right. But the buzzard doesn't. Maybe some of them have the redhead, but this is this is blowing my mind. So I thought they were interchangeable. So they have. Is there an end to this story? Do they get rid of the buzzard? No.

At the end of this, they left the town. At the end of this story, they could not get rid of them. They were blasting cannons and noisemakers. That's what it said. Like a Civil War cannon? I sure hope so. No wonder they can't get rid of them. We've tried all of our cannons, and it never hits them.

They just fly away before the cannonball gets to them. All right, I have to follow up with my story because it is also related to animals and i'll be honest i chose this story mostly because of the headline which reads i mean the details are great too but pig steals camper's beer gets drunk and starts fight with a cow okay that's good for today's draft so the the campers were out and about having some you know drinks left out 18 cans of beer one pig one pig oh brother pigs are heavyweights from what i hear 18 cans of beer pig gets drunk pig starts messing around with a cow and picking a fight with a cow because it a fight with a cow.

Cause it doesn't know where it's going. Running around randomly. I'll take the, I think I'll take the cow. I'll take the cow. Starts raiding the trash. Well, that's just normal pig stuff.

And it was nicknamed swine. Oh, okay. Instead of wine. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And so that's the whole story.

I mean, there's not anything else to this other than this pig did. I mean, the sad part, it stumbled then into the road and was hit by a vehicle and died. Oh, for real? Yeah. Later on in the story. It's so sleepy. 18 cans of beer.

It's all tuckered out. so yeah he slurped down the liquid gold went to the garbage bins began rooting around for a snack pick picked on a nearby cow and uh caused general pandemonium at the campsite what would you do if there's a drunk pig running around your campsite? Like, and you can't reason with that pig. No, usually you can, but this one's drunk.

So what are you going to do? Uh, yeah, nothing. All right. All right, Mike. Uh,

mine is pretty short and sweet. It's just a like number one, humanity. Let's, let's be better to each other. Uh, and number two, let's be a be better to each other uh and number two let's be a little bit smarter about things so wait a minute is this a psa yeah i mean just a little bit because a a woman in uh michigan she was charged with trying to have her ex-husband murdered. Okay. With the musband.

Yeah, I got me. And she had to plead guilty to multiple charges. Okay, she's trying to get him murdered. Yes. And where do you think you would go to find such a debaucherous type of a thing? Well, of course, you go to rent-a-hitman.com. No, she didn't. Rentahitman.com.

And offered them $200. $200? I mean, $200. I wouldn't. He wouldn't have killed that pig for $200. I believe that's a very low price. But to go to the website, rent a hitman, and so the owners of the website called the Michigan

police. They're like, hey, this lady is soliciting us, trying to give us money to have someone killed, and so now that lady is in jail. That's where she belongs. So that website exists as some sort of like a joke

i just did you go did i wasn't willing to go i just typed it i hit enter and then i went what am i doing i should not be going to rentahitman.com and close it out so i'm i'm you're on the list i'm marked now sorry honey uh wow yeah that'd be better this is what is that what we need to catch crime is just set up a bunch of domains honestly like you break into jewelry store.net you have to be so stupid to do something like that that we should trap we should do all the lowest hanging fruit traps absolutely because if you fall victim to that trap, you should be out of society. Taxfraud.biz. Right.

Yeah, I just did howtogetawaywithmurder.com. Oh, see, that one's way better. Yeah, I also got the.co. Oh, very nice. Just in case. Very nice. Well, real life never ceases. Yeah, what are people doing?

To disappoint. point the spitballers draft well it has been a long time since we uh since we got to battle it out in a battle royale draft, but we're back. Mike has the first pick. It is a battle royale on a farm. Yes. Yee-haw! Goes along with the pig story already, which I don't know if you can draft the pig,

but you can give it a go. You can, yeah. Mike, you have the first pick. We are all on a farm. We are. We get to Mike, you have the first pick. We are all on a farm. We are. We get to pick four items from the farm, and we are going to fight it out to the death. So with the first pick here,

many picks between this pick and the next one. So I was trying to think, is there really a top weapon that I can get to defend myself on a farm? Because there's a bunch of really cool stuff. But after I sorted through everything, I realized with everything that you guys are going to be bringing at me, I got to be able to get around. And I got to be able to get around quickly. Quickly is the key for me.

So I'm going to draft a horse. Yeah. I feel like a horse was good enough for the battles in old Europe and really everywhere. I mean, once we started fighting, we're like, hey, I'm going to jump on this horse, and I'm going to fight while I'm on this horse. So I feel if nothing else, you will never catch me.

Well, you, I mean, you have to stay on the farm. Yeah. I mean, you can go around in circles or whatever. Yes. But you you have to stay on the farm. Yeah. I mean, you can go around in circles or whatever. Yes. But you got to stay on the farm. That's fine. I didn't even have horse on my top 14 picks. Oh, wow.

A horse was definitely one of my top picks. But I'm the guy who chose my butt. That is a famous choice. Which is available for this draft. Yeah, because if you're on the farm, your butt is on the farm. All right. So you went with a horse. Yes.

I respect it. Hmm. Hmm. Okay, so. You know how to ride a horse, Mike? I have ridden a horse several times. Okay. You think you can get it up to speed?

Yes. Yeah, you go. And then you kick it in the butt. All right. All right. Which apparently all the horse people tell me, they're like, just kick away. Because you're not. You can't hurt a horse.

You are doing nothing to this monster of a creature. It always seems mean. Yes, it does. Now, with the spurs, I don't know. But with just your heels, they're like, okay, fine. I'll go. Yeah, they're pretty big. If you're on the ground and petting a horse, you slap it.

That's like a pet, like a good boy. Well, I guess if my kid at three years old hits me as hard as he can, it doesn't do anything. Right. A horse is... They're bigger than me to a kid, right? It's a unit. These things are serious. All right.

All right. Well, I'm going to get a big serious, you know, I might not be able to catch you. Yeah. But eventually we are going to have to fight. We're going to have to get at it. Okay. And I don't think your horse is going to help much. When I have a full armored tractor, I'm going to tractor with the plow blades, the little rotary blades. You don't get to have an armored tractor. You got a tractor. I'm on a tractor with the plow blades, the little

rotary blades. You don't get to have an armored tractor. You got a tractor, bro. I'm just saying that a tractor is armored. I'm not putting extra sheets of bulletproof armor on. You've got a tractor. That was going to probably be my number one pick. It's not the ride-on

tractor. You're on the... You have a door. You're the ride-in tractor. You're on the... You have a door. You're the ride-in tractor. Yes. On the inside of it? Yeah, I'm on the inside of this tractor. Good luck getting me. Get past these blades. Now, are all tractors...

I have a horse I can sacrifice. Al, have you ridden a tractor before? I have, yeah. Okay, are those automatic or are they manual? I've never driven one. Wait, you had multiple people on a tractor? He said if I ever been on a tractor, like hayride type tractors. I kind of expected you to be the one driving it when I asked that.

Yeah, that's what I thought. No, I haven't driven a tractor. And have you actually been on the tractor or were you pulled by a tractor? I've been on a tractor. Okay. I will say this, I can drive a manual, so I'm not too worried if it's a stick shift. You're far more high-T than me. I wasn say this. I can drive a manual, so I'm not too worried if it's a stick shift. You're far more high-T than me.

I wasn't sure. When's the last time you did a, when you drove a stick shift? Oh, gosh, it's been a while now, but my first few cars were all manual. He's pretty old. It's like riding a bike. I could absolutely go get in a manual and ride it. No problem. I'm sure there's a slight difference to a track. You might be dead by the time you figure it out.

Right, no problem. I'm sure there's a slight difference to a track. You might be dead by the time you figure it out. Well, that means you guys have kind of taken your transportation side, which means I get two picks, and I get my pick of the litter in terms of offensive weapons. Yep, there's some good ones. Unfortunately, there's a lot of them, so I don't know which one you guys think is the best,

nor do I care because I'm going to which one you guys think is the best, nor do I care because I'm going to go with what I think is the best. I'm going to go first with a sickle. Oh, okay. Okay, good one. It's very on brand for your fantasy reaper. Yeah, I mean, it's a common farm tool, the sickle. It's also what death chooses to use.

It's got an intimidation factor as well as a weapon. Death goes with a scythe. Sickle, scythe. Wait, those are different? I believe so. I mean, the sickle is more hooked. I think the gist is very, they're very similar. But they are not.

All right. But they're not the same thing. I can't even. I ended up with the word cliche when I tried to spell. I can't even find out information on this because I don't know how to spell it. I believe it starts with an S-C-Y-T-H-E. Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah, that is right.

It's like it's the same thing as a sickle, bro. That would have been my 43rd guess for how to spell that word. Yeah, they're the same. They're not. A sickle's shorter. Yeah. Oh, so you got the shorter one? Which is more nimble. Yeah, they're the same. They're not. A sickle's shorter. Yeah. Which is more nimble. Oh, man. That is way... So you don't have the big tall reach. Right, because that's a scythe.

That would have been a good pick. Maybe I'll grab one of those. That's a great pick. The sickle's like the little handheld version. He still has another pick. He could double up. Just dual wield. Thank you, Mike, for knowing the difference to a sickle at a site they do the same job gentlemen just one's at a distance both your

heads off it's what they're doing better get real close uh so unbelievable fine you know what i'm i'm gonna go i'm gonna take advantage of a different part of warfare neither of you will have access to which is i'm going to put a backpack loaded pesticide sprayer and i am going chemical warfare nothing's off limits on this farm oh no there's yeah there's no geneva convention here no so you're getting some serious dangerous long-term side effects from these from these pesticides you're developing an eventual cancer growth of some sort i would imagine that if you sprayed me in the face yeah with pesticides it would be short-term bad for me as well as long-term that's right but i will be you'll just turn your windshield my windshield wipers will turn on in my tractor, and then I will mow you down.

Okay. All right. I am up. Now, we're eventually going to have to get to the weapons here. Andy, you're right. You got the weapon. You got the short little sickle. It's not that short.

There are various lengths. I'm going to take something that, honestly, I know that I've talked at length about how the greatest weapon of all time is a spear. Yeah. But I think I have really forgotten about the pitchfork because it's basically a spear with more pointy things. So, I mean. That's what it is, huh? Yeah. It's like I'm King trident now of the land i mean you

can't throw a pitchfork the way you could a spear oh yes you can not with the same distance i would think so no it's lesser aerodynamic a spear is very it's like an arrow do you how many people shoot arrows like shoot forks out of their bow and arrow no but nobody i bet that when it comes to throwing a spear and a pitchfork you're gonna be real close i'm not throwing either i'm gonna keep holding on he's using it for dinner okay fine yeah uh i will be i will be stabbing andy while he tries to reach me with a sickle. You suck. All right. All right, Mike. You get two picks. All right.

So I'm on my horse. This first pick, I'm going to take it. One, you get the intimidation factor. Yes, I do realize more than likely I am ending my own life. All right. Let's hear this. I'm riding this horse. I am ending my own life. All right. Let's hear this. I'm riding this horse. I got a chainsaw.

Oh, chainsaw on a horse. Okay. Chainsaw's a- Feel bad for the horse. It's a farm instrument? Of course. Farms have chainsaws. It is on my list.

It is on my list. It's got to be. It being on your list does not answer that question. Well, everything that's on my list came from looking up farm research so yeah well anything can technically be used on a farm fine you got a chainsaw on your horse yeah you gotta you got how many children's books with farmers are wielding chainsaws uh 100 of them i don't know how many children's farm books you went on this chainsaw thing al yeah yeah i had to do a little research but yeah it says most farmers and rural landowners own chainsaws for a variety of purposes darn right

they got a lot of rural landowners they gotta they gotta do some cutting all right you know so trying to play the game and farmingbase.com has the five best chainsaws for use in 2022 what's the number one? I don't know. That's the one I got. So I've got a chainsaw. Husk Varna 96. Yeah, be quiet. 76.

Thank you for chiming in. All right. So I'm on the horse. I have the chainsaw, just like a farmer. Go on. Did you know that the song The Farmer and the Dell talks about his chainsaw. Just like a farmer. Go on. Did you know that the farmer in the Dell talks about his chainsaw? Oh, my God. That's what the Dell was.

It is really funny. The Dell was the chainsaw. It is really funny to visualize this guy on a horse with a chainsaw. Like, I'm a farmer. Yes. You got a piece of straw in your mouth, though? All outdoor people use chainsaws to cut trees down but farmers and chainsaws are not commonly connected how do you think i cleared that farmland

with my sickle oh you would use site yeah i gotta reach so for my my third pick here uh i am going to go now we're getting pictures of chainsaws uh i am gonna go with something that i found that i i had not heard of so you need a you need a a handheld weapon just in case i have to go up you know very close yeah with uh with mr short Sickle over here. Mm-hmm. It's apparently called a Slater Hammer. A Slater Hammer. Look it up. It's a real neat looking hammer. Slater Hammer. And this is, oh, so it's like a little pitchfork hammer.

Yeah. Or not pitchfork, axe. Yes. It looks like a snow pick. That's a snow pick climbing instrument. It's called, did you find it? I found it on a farm website called a Slater Hammer. It looks dope.

It's for roofing tasks. What are you picking, man? I don't know. I'm going off of farm equipment that I'm finding. If you draft something that doesn't belong on a farm, when you show up at this battle royale, your weapon's not there. It's an empty space. The referee would take a look and say, sir, you're not doing roofing.

Yeah. Please go do some roofing. Then why is it on the farming website? Because they want to make money. They'll sell everything that they can. You can't just go to a farming website. What? Yes, you can.

No, because they'll sell everything. We have already Battle Royale in a Home Depot, right? Go to a farmer's only website or whatever. Not a website. Go to a farmer's only website or whatever not a website go to uh farmers farmers only if you go to a farming store you can still buy all the things you bought in a home depot you guys are destroying this draft nope i think the chainsaw holds up i don't think the slater hammer does really from what i can tell oh okay i'll change my pick sounds like you sounds like you have to.

I was totally going to let it slide. Okay, fine. A hatchet. Okay. Okay. Hatchet. Fine. I'll take a hatchet.

I feel like it would have been better for us to have the Slater Hammer. People wouldn't have known what that is. Yeah. But I want people to learn about it because it's really cool. It was pretty cool looking. I will admit that. All right. Where are we at?

What do I have? Tractor and a pitchfork. Oh's true farming equipment andy you said you guys he lumped me in with mike here you were team chainsaw that's why i lumped you in oh that's fair um okay i'm going with one that i i got this from just all i did i was trying to put myself in the mind of the farm. I was trying to put myself on the land. And so I Googled farm. And then I went and I looked at pictures of farms. Okay. And one of the things that was common there were these big windmills.

Behind all the chainsaws. Right behind the chainsaws were big windmills. And I'm taking a windmill blade. I'm taking it off i'm taking i'm ripping one of those blades off this windmill windmill like a yeah like a little school like yeah okay yeah and i'm taking a windmill blade off my beautiful windmill at the farm and i'm i'm running y'all down with this thing are those sharp hope so. I worry that they are made of paper. They're not made of paper.

They're not made of paper. I wouldn't be worried about that. No, I'm hoping it's metal and it's super sharp. Well, look, I'm back on the clock. My final two picks. Number one, you both have mobility. Yes. I don't.

I'm not drafting a cow to ride, okay? Yeah. I'm not an idiot. It'd be real slow. Any drunk pig can pick a fight with a cow. And I got to get close to you, right? I got this little sickle, which is like a pocket knife, apparently. And then I've got a pesticide sprayer.

So what am I going to do? The most realistic scarecrow possible. Oh. You're going to go in for the kill, and I'm going to ninja you from behind. Okay. The scarecrow is going to distract you. It'll only work once, but I like it. I'm taking the scarecrow.

I think you only need it to work once. Well, there's two of us, Mike. Yeah, but. Well, I'll turn your corpse into the other scarecrow. Oh, okay. That's actually a really good. That's just a good tip for the future. It's me.

I'm Jason. I'm really alive. Sickle. And then this next pick, boy, it's going to be a good one. So I got to really build it up. I guess I'm going to go for a kind of fort building. I'm not going to be mobile like you guys. I need a little fort. I'm going.

A number of hay bales are coming with me. I'm building a miniature little fortress for myself with these hay bales. So made out of hay. Yes, the most armored hay. But should we draft some fire? No, I'm not going to draft fire. I'm going to draft the thing that eats hay. Right.

Your horse? You're going to eat the way through the whole fort? If you eat through my hungry horse. Hold on. I'm eating your fortress. I'll be in soon. I'll be in there soon. Slow horse tongue coming through all right jason you have

one final pick you have a tractor a pitchfork and a windmill blade well this is an animal farm that i'm from uh that's that's okay that's the kind of farm that i raise what do you do with the farm i don't know uh live that i live on an animal farm and one of the things that we have just basically infinity of I mean I have an endless supply of these because it's such a big animal farm and I am taking those fresh eggs and I I've got oh you're egging oh I'm egging you like crazy you're not even going rotten eggs you're just going fresh eggs it's all the same yeah I mean eventually it one is real smelly well sure but i i'm still there i don't want to smell these rotten eggs so i'm gonna take these eggs okay i'm gonna throw

them i'm gonna open the door for my tractor throw some eggs did you shut that door drive slowly away wait for you to come by i'll have my pitchfork ready okay and i have decided that the windmill uh the arm of the windmill that I broke off, I have attached that like a feather onto my tractor. It's now decoration. I don't even need it between my eggs and my pitchfork and my tractor. Mike is on the chainsaw with a horse and a hatchet. So you're one-handing the chainsaw?

Oh, yeah. And you were worried about killing yourself when you had two hands on it? Yeah. I had already said it. Did you cut the head off your own horse on accident problem it's very possible that either the horses that are my definition for headless horse yes it's one of us it's gotta go and okay i'm going to and i'm going to have just the, this is my final backup plan. Okay.

Should everything, you'll catch the pun, should everything go to poop? Oh. I'm going to have a barrel full of manure. Wait, how is this your backup plan? Because if I got to light this thing on fire and ka-poop us. Ka-poop us. It's going to go kapoop. Because I imagine I will mortally wound myself immediately with this chainsaw, but then I

will just sit there. So manure is really flammable? I mean, they use it in explosives, right? Do they? Oh, yeah. Okay. I didn't know that. Because if it's not flammable, that will be a funny moment on the battlefield.

It's like fertilizer. Light! Light! Yeah. Yeah, but fertilizer is will be a funny moment on the battlefield. It's like fertilizer. Light! Light! Yeah, but fertilizer is used. Okay, because of the methane. Yes. All right, I'm in. And then...

I thought you might be hiding yourself underneath it. I don't know what you were trying to do. I thought you were going to throw it. Yeah. I can't throw a barrel of manure. No, I thought you were going to reach in, grab little pieces of manure, and throw it as little scat bombs. I love that this battle royale turned into the final draft.

I'm hiding behind the hay while both of you throw eggs and poop. Yeah. Well, we did it. We did it. We are battling Mike on a horse with a chainsaw and a hatchet and a barrel of manure, Jason with a tractor pitchfork, windmill blade, and some eggs. I have a sickle, a baby scythe, a pesticide sprayer, a windmill blade, and some eggs. I have a sickle. It's a baby scythe.

Pesticide sprayer, a scarecrow, and some hay bales. I did have some other picks. Yeah? Likewise? What were yours? I thought I could throw seeds in your eyes. Oh, yeah. Some seeds.

You know, you're planting some seeds. I'd have to close my eyes for a couple seconds. I thought about a pickaxe and hoe. A hoe? Yeah, for sure. For sure. It's on my list. And I didn't know how many chickens I would get.

If I drafted some chickens, maybe I could release them, cause some panic on the battlefield. Yeah, if you had enough chickens, that's a problem. Thought about a big shovel. Baseball kick a chicken. A big old shovel. Yeah. I kind of wanted a wood chipper.

Oh. But high damage. Could have been a more, yeah. High damage, but I have to get you into the wood chipper oh but high damage more yeah high damage but i have to like get you into the wood chipper yeah my my number the the 101 according to like when i was looking up what our main farm equipment every single place had this on it i did not draft it because i was like it's not it's not exclusive to a farm but it was on every list i saw and it would it would have been the one i want was a pickup truck oh yeah yeah yeah that's a weapon makes sense with my last pick with my last pick i'll take a pickup truck and run your horse down um i also had a uh a story going i was going to have an old time well on my farm and i was going to take the bucket on the rope. Oh yeah. Yeah swing that thing around.

I was thinking you were drafting the well and trying to trick us to fall down. Come over here. I should have done that then I could have used the bucket on the rope and pushed you in a well. Okay. Mike did you have any backups? You know like some shears parachute a gun

a lot of farmers have guns. Pickup truck I wouldn't let go. I mean, that's a good pick. I will draft pickup truck. It has to be like an old Chevy blue pickup truck. Oh, for sure. It barely runs.

It barely runs. Well, no. It runs forever because it's American made from the 50s. And a fence post. Yeah. That's pretty good. Oh, barbed wire. Oh, dang it. That. That's pretty good. Oh, barbed wire. Barbed wire. Oh, dang it.

That would have been real good. Dry dung fuel or dry manure is animal feces that has been dried in order to use as a fuel source. Yeah. All right. That's pretty good. And it smells. And we're back to the colonic. All right.

What did we learn today well i definitely learned that you do a clock in someone's house that blew my mind i thought this was a doctor visit i learned that a sickle and a site aren't the same thing uh i i learned that the root canal your your tooth will be okay. You thought it would just kill the tooth. I thought over a long enough time, once you have one, you had to eventually replace the tooth. Now are you more open-minded about a root canal? I still don't want one. Yeah. Get another colonoscopy of this.

Thank you for tuning in, everybody. Tell your friends about the show. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.