Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 219: A Strong Arooma & The Worst Wedding Gifts - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

On this episode, we have some fun choosing which sound effect accessory we would rather have. We also choose which crime we would rather be publicly known for committing. Then, we provide some high quality education during our ‘What’s The Difference’ segment. Lastly, we finish things up with a draft of the worst wedding gifts. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, yeah. There's the big whisper finish that we've seen the last 25 times in a row. Is that my new thing? The whisper finish? It's not new.

It's been a while. That's your thing. That's your thing. I think what used to happen is I always used to go too loud at the end. Oh. You got your own bedinging going on here. I mean, we'll see. You know, three episodes from now, we'll see. I know what it'll be.

It'll be a nice whisper, soft landing. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast, Andy, Mike, and Jason. Would you rather? What's the difference? And we are drafting the worst wedding gifts on today's show. Yes. Uh, yeah. Al, how are you doing today? You had some thoughts on that scat. I was just saying, it's not always just a whisper. It's always a pow. It's like, it's like he's doing comic book scatting, but the, but it's, so it But it's so it's like a loud action word, but real soft. That's the blues in me.

It's just a gentle punch. It's going to be a good show. I know it. Thank you for tuning in, supporting the Spitballers. Tell your family. Tell your friends. Spitballers, we have found out that it is better with friends spitballers is made to be enjoyed with others you can talk about it chat about it draft your own draft yeah it's a good time and uh we just like

making your week better so thank you for tuning in let's get it started would you rather would you rather there be a charming ting sound every time you wink or have a cartoonish gun sound every time oh when you fire off your finger guns. When you got the finger guns. There you go. This is great. I feel like... I always say wink when I do that. Yeah. Wink. I go ping.

Yeah, there you go. If anybody wants to give this a try, let me know. I feel like we've got them. Oh, I got you. Ready? Finger guns. Oh, that's very good. Okay, I'm going to wink here and oh man would that send a week

is that that's a cool feature but like let's say you were using it practically you're at a restaurant someone brings your meal it looks really good do you throw them a uh do you throw them a wink now i don't think you want to do that that seems creepy the in winking in general is very dangerous like there are just there's really small moments when you can you can actually wink and it's fully understood this is just a joke because a wink i don't know that there's ever an appropriate serious time to do a wink i'm trying to think about that um the only the only serious wink i ever do is if i'm trying to get somebody in on a joke on somebody else but that that's that's understood that's it yeah it's

funny but you wouldn't want a serious wink sound effect if i'm being like hey hey hey you know oh yeah and then it's like then you then they'd be like wait so that you weren't turning off the sound there's a sound whenever you wink it's every single time it has to if you do finger guns or you do a wink it has to have the sound effect i do feel though if you had the sound effect if everyone could hear that when you do a wink you you could do joke winks all the time. That's true. Like, it would bring winking back. We would wrangle it away from just creepy old men, and it would be funny again. I think the reason it's gone away is because there aren't enough handsome charming men.

Because if you're really handsome and charming. If you're handsome, you can wink? Absolutely. I'm telling you. No, no, no. No, no. Listen. If you're really handsome and charming. If you're handsome, you can wink? Absolutely. I'm telling you. No, no, no. No, no. Listen, if you're really handsome and charming, like not. Right.

You aren't just an oblivious, handsome person. You know, you're Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds can wink. No problem. But that's because he's funny. Exactly. Well, maybe I'm saying funny instead of charming. Can George Clooney wink?

Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Actually, George Clooney is better than Ryan charming. Can George Clooney wink? Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Actually, George Clooney is better than Ryan Reynolds. He would get away with it, no problem. And it wouldn't even be creepy or weird. It'd be like, wow. No. No, I'm telling you.

Now, not with that, though. That ruins it. That doesn't strike you as charming. That strikes you as cartoonish. And the only time I wink, personally, I was thinking, have I ever winked? And then I was like, oh, yeah, I do wink sometimes. It's always on the joke of, oh, totally. You know, like it's completely the sarcasm.

Like, I believe you, you know, the big old wink. You're accentuating the face. It's not just a quick. Right. No, it's a big old. Can you're accentuating the face. It's not just a quick. Right. No, it's a big old. Can you get yourself in trouble with the finger guns? That's awesome. It's hard to say no to the finger guns.

I think that's my final answer. That would be. I think I want the finger guns. It'd be funny. Like all the time. I would use it so much in pickleball. Just don't do it like at a bank. You know what I mean?

Banks, airports, you want to holster them finger guns. Also, I am instituting a new rule for spitballers for the future forever. If anyone does finger guns, you have to be on the ready, Al, because I expect the sound effect to come whenever oh we both how many i did um yeah it's probably bad that i asked you to give me those on my no you're good all right um final answer is finger guns oh for sure yeah all right which crime would you rather be publicly convicted of? Committing arson by setting fire to Burger King's corporate offices while disguised as Ronald McDonald.

Okay. That option. Clown. Yeah. There's three options. Option two is beating the tar out of Santa at a Macy's Day parade on live TV while dressed as a fusion of Krampus and the easter bunny okay okay i get the get the pattern here or destroying the castle at disneyland with an actual medieval catapult

okay one of these is pretty cool now i love disneyland i do right but to be able to use a medieval catapult that could take down a castle, I have to take that opportunity. How often? Like, I would never set a building on fire, but I have the capability. I could. I could do it. You can wield fire?

Yeah, I can. I can. I can't wield fire. Well, I mean, but you understand you can go down to the Walmart and buy a pack of lighters. Absolutely. But I mean, you love Disneyland, so you'd be known as forever. Yeah, you ruined it. You'd be banned, first of all.

Yeah, I don't think they'd let me back in. That is for sure. But I think most of these things you're ending up with. There's a little bit of jail time. There's probably some jail time. Yeah. I mean, you've got a risk of, I mean, I've heard, and maybe this is false and just a rumor, isn't there like some sort of special hotel room inside of that disneyland castle yes there is so you could

accidentally kill someone you could and that could happen at the arson with the burger i was gonna say there's a lot of people in burger king's corporate offices i would say i'd be a little bit more worried about okay there's no there's no people all right good thank goodness because otherwise we're really publicly convicted of murder. Yeah, and we're very on the record on this show. Anti-murder. We don't do murder. No, that's right.

We don't do any murder around here. We've told kids, don't do the murder. Do not. I'm going to go ahead and beat the tar out of Santa then, though. Take some bad gift memories out on uh on the old man i mean i i don't know if anybody knows who krampus is so i think i'd rather just dress up as the easter bunny and make it really clear that i am one holiday attacking another yeah in the united states you probably got to make that call if you were in you know germany krampus would be a big hit his

cramp is pretty big over there oh yes yes all that's a threat to the kids like all the kids know that if you're not good it's not a lump of coal that's going in your stocking it's you going out the door in krampus satchel okay well that's to be eaten to be eaten by it's a serious place we have got to bring that to the states because I'll tell you. Who's afraid of a, oh, no, I got a lump of coal. That's not stopping me from burning down the Burger King's headquarter. Right.

But you know what would? Being eaten alive. I don't think. Which, if I recall on this show, over 220 episodes, we have been very anti-eating other people. Yes. Cannibalism. Don't do it. That's a big faux pas. other people yes cannibalism don't do that's a big faux pas don't do cannibalism absolutely don't do murder don't do cannibalism um i would say do do uh the catapult destruction though i mean if i'm going to take down a building let's say you could handle a catapult i don't know if you're the kind of guy who could handle it. There's one thing to do.

You know, there's multiple things wrong. You could. Yeah, you could shoot that one over and then you're destroying like Splash Mountain or something. It's a very precise. This guy does not know how far away Splash Mountain is from the castle. What an idiot. I just think you got that bad of aim.

Oh, wow. That good of a catapult. I mean, that thing is launching far um that being said if i were like people do demolition right you uh you you have to tear down a house you want to build a new property or something why don't what they use catapults for it'll be awesome i yeah i mean i think there's some reasons yeah they're they're really inefficient. The load time is substantial. That's the big problem. You don't recover the object that you're breaking the building down with very easily.

What if it was like an automatic catapult? Yeah, I was going with a really long rope. Yeah, kind of like a... So you get to pull it back. Like the ice cream scoop on a button. That fun toy? I loved that thing. So that's supposed to be a

joke? What was that thing for? I was like, here, have some of my ice cream. Staraphone in your face. So have some of my ice cream that doesn't look anything like ice cream? Well, right. I mean, you gotta use your imagination a little bit. And then you

look at somebody when you hand it to them and you go. Oh, I was going finger guns. Oh, yeah. You got to. There we go. All right. Would you rather have your name tattooed on your forehead or have no front teeth? So would you rather wear a hat or dentures?

I mean, if it's on your forehead, you're not hat country. You're probably bandana country. We got to put this thing low. This has got to be eyebrow level just above. Not easily hideable. The point I'm making here is that no matter

what, no matter what is on my face tattooed, I would like to have teeth teeth what if you had to have your eyebrows replaced by your name first name last name oh because i mean they they're shaved off and then you have them written i was like cursive or comic sans 20 years ago 20 years ago the idea sounded good of a of a facial tattoo was unbelievably appalling and it was the mistake of lives 10 years ago it was somewhat a little bit more common and it wasn't like tyson did huge things for face exactly it wasn't just mike tyson with it there were other people. It was the tribal one. But you didn't necessarily want to

be the people that had face tattoos. Today, face tattoos are in. Yeah, it's pretty common. I mean, I'm pretty sure if you want to be in hip-hop, gotta have some face tattoo. I mean, Post Malone is really running out of real estate on the face.

Tyson still has the facial tattoo. That's the thing about tattoos yep yep still got it uh so that's not really you know that's the downside yeah now no front teeth is that the other one no front teeth assuming pragmatic issue yeah with eating enjoy your apple i think i can figure the apple out yeah i can uh. I can cut it into pieces. But not if you didn't have a knife. Okay. If I handed you an apple and you don't have front teeth.

You don't go by cuspids? Do you think you could? Oh, yeah. My canines are getting right into that thing. Do you think you could eat it with the side of your mouth? Do you have to pull your cheek with your finger to fish hook yourself to get in there? Possibly. Yeah, I think I could pull off the eating.

I remember- I'd look ridiculous. Back in braces time, you get the braces, you go to the orthodontist, they give you the tightening, and your teeth just, they are unbelievably sore for a few days. And we went to get, I had just had a tightening. We went to get pizza. And my front teeth, I could not. I could not bite with my front teeth.

So I'm taking pizza, and I'm trying to get it back into my molars. I fully wrecked the side of my lips. I don't know what you would call it other than the side of my lips. You know, like where your, I don't even know what you would call it, but other than the side or where your lips meet on the edge. I don't know. Where the scars are. Yeah, but yes, I looked like the Joker, but it was not my abusive father. It was pizza crust over and over, rubbing against that tiny little piece of skin,

and it cut it open. Wow. I mean, how old was this pizza? It was brand new. and over, rubbing against that tiny little piece of skin, and it cut it open. Wow. I mean, how old was this pizza? It was brand new. How small is your mouth? I was a young child, but it was not soft crust, clearly. You didn't want to go fork and knife? What?

With pizza? You'd rather chop your face up? Yeah. I'm not a Neanderthal. I mean, obviously, if you don't have the tattoo and you don't have the front teeth, you can close your mouth and you look normal while you walk around. If you have the tattoo, you never look normal walking around. You're either a guy with a bandana 100% of the time.

And the conversations of meeting new people, asking, oh, who's Jason? That's me. That's true that's a pretty awkward that's pretty awkward that is that is a good point oh is j is jason your father no it's me now hold on hold on i'm trying because that would be super awkward if people saw this tattoo and they asked who that was. But I feel like if someone walked up to me and on their forehead was Mike. Right. Like, he's walking up and it says Mike right across his forehead. I feel like I would assume that's Mike.

Would you? It would be better if it said Mike and then underneath it said 1983-2 and it is blank. It's just blank waiting to fill in the other side. And you just say it's a memorial. Yeah, for me, the mortician will handle this when I go. Open casket? They finish it? It would have to be finished at an open casket. Otherwise, you're wasting a lot of ink there.

Yeah. Wow, you are your own tombstone. Oh, no. Like, new level of headstone there. Just literally. Just your head. Just an embalmment. Yeah, do they do that? I don't think they do that.

If they bury you vertically. Just up to the shoulders. And then you just kind of bronze the top part of the head. I want to do that. Then you are really, I i mean you could really pay someone a tribute when you go to their grave give them a kiss on the forehead oh yeah that's gross see that tattoo um all right we what are you taking which one are you going with uh i can't do the face tattoo not across my forehead with my name so i'm gonna go without the front teeth

and i'm gonna keep my mouth shut. I will always be remembered. No one will ever need to ask me, wait, who's that guy? Because they will know that's Jason. Okay, so you're going face tattoo. Mike, final answer? Your face tattoo. I like my teeth. Yeah, your face tattoo.

They work out. I mean, you already got a neck tattoo. This is no big deal. Yeah, just move it up a little bit. Do you want to solve some of the world's biggest issues oh do I what's the difference between me and you me and you

I find that drop comical every time I hear it Because it's so well done What's the difference between being tired, pooped, exhausted, and tuckered out? I feel like I've got a good grasp on the last one Tuckered out? You've got to be sub 13 years old. That's. Really?

Absolutely. It's for children? It's for children. Oh, he's all tuckered out. I couldn't. Mike, you can't get tuckered out. You're a grown man. The kids get tuckered out.

Yeah, I can get exhausted. So is it like a puberty line? I think it's a puberty line, which I'm putting at 13. Armpit hair. You can't be tuckered out. Okay. So, yeah, the second that the armpit hair grows in, you graduate to exhausted? Or do you go to poop? Now, that's where we got to get into the nuance here, because you might not be exhausted.

Exhaustion is hardcore. I've got another way to guide us. I agree. Tucker it out. The difference between tired and pooped. Pooped to me is I am collapsing onto some sort of reclining chair. Tired, I'm going to bed. Okay.

Okay. If I'm pooped, you come in. You just did a little bit of you know how we always do so much yard work you come in from the yard work and then you just kind of you're pooped and you kind of the reason it was called that because you can't poop laying down that's been scientifically proven um oh boy that's another experiment i've never thought about the lay down poop the lay down poop is the flat toilet impossible to pull up a bed toilet uh doesn't i mean i mean obviously the hospital's figured out right there you know there are medical issues you're not laying down you're slightly they raise

you up just for the poop that's true so exhausted is you're tired but you can't make it to the bed exhaustion to me is not like you get tired every day every day you get tired you're just tired from living oh it's routine yes exhaust exhausted is when you're completely spent you are on zero and because of your day yes your day had to be something intense physically or mentally and pooped is more related to one specific activity that you were then pooped after. Would you agree with that? Like if you did one thing and then you come in and you say,

man, I'm pooped. I just cleaned up all the dog poop. So long as you got in that chair. Absolutely. As long as you get in the chair. Well, that seems clear. Yeah. Toilet does count as a chair.

You can be pooped while pooping? Well, you would be pooped from something else, and then you could go be pooped while pooping. And then the toilet would be pooped. In poop. Correct. What is the difference between a scent, a smell, and an aroma? Very important question.

I feel like aroma has to be lower tier than a scent or a smell, as if there's less of it in the air. I can agree with that. Does that make sense? Yeah, but I feel like if there is an aroma, you must use your hand to spread it to accentuate it to spread it around a little bit more like i'm getting a faint aroma that is right uh the part of the reason you have to use your hands a waft that's a wafting is because of the light the light smell that is

in the air it's just an aroma so you have to use your your hands and and again to bring this to science the scientific reason for that and the name aroma is because it's when a smell fills a room okay and that's what it used to be a room and then just as english has progressed yeah we it was an ugly word so we took one of the o's out yeah and, and so it's an aroma. As we do. You know, it just fills the whole room. No, it's a good logic. Yeah, this is tremendous work. I feel like a scent has to be a direct line that goes to whatever is. Oh, really?

Oh, like you could follow a scent. Yeah, so like if there's a cake, you can see it in the air. Like in the cartoons, you see the scent? Yes, if you got the scent and you had flight ability, you could directly follow the entire scent to the object creating the scent. Quick question here because I was curious about this with scents. Yes. Can it be bad?

Yes. You can have a bad scent? Oh, absolutely. Some rotten garbage? that's a smell yeah it no run garbage okay is that the scent of garbage or is that a smell that's what i was wondering i smell is where you can't find it but maybe that's aroma she she walked through the room and had a nice scent yeah yeah i mean i'm directed right towards her because it's a that's the scent of a woman yeah you know there's a whole movie about this yeah i think we've we've really i mean the aroma thing i didn't know that yeah well that's why

people listen to the spit so you if we were doing this so what is the smell a smell is pretty much it's the broadest category it's anything it's anything that you use your nose to receive that's why it's that is also why it is a verb see you can't verb aroma or yeah yeah oh yeah you said you sent that no i don't sent that because i smell that mike i smell an aroma smell is really should only be used as a verb okay so can you smell a scent yes absolutely yes all right but you can't smell a smell because that's a double verb that becomes a noun as you multiply two verbs become a noun that's right wow you have illuminated. Uh-huh. Boy, you have the scent of a wise man. Oh, it must be directly towards me.

Yes, yes. What is the difference between being nice, kind, and polite? Okay, okay. I love this question because these are three important things. I think all kindness is nice all niceness is polite but not all politeness is kind there could be levels here i feel like if something is kind it was done uh just altruistically like it came from just deep inside of your person that you as a human you wanted to do something that would that would better someone's day make something easier for

them make them feel better it was kind yeah i mean this is this is really you didn't expect anything back no this is status of the heart level yes on yeah there it is because like if you're doing something that is polite, you can also not care at all. You're obligated. I do not, I'm not, I am doing this to be polite. Yes.

I don't believe at all what I'm saying. You're saying you can be polite with a cold, dark heart? Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. You hold it, holding a door open for someone,

you've never done that where they take a little bit. If you do it with the wrong attitude, it's impolite. No, no, no. Impolite would be shutting a door open for someone, you've never done that? Where they take a little bit? If you do it with the wrong attitude, it's impolite. No, no, no. Impolite would be shutting a door in someone's face. That would be impolite. Polite is open the door.

Polite is please and thank you. It's just a word we add in there to make it seem like something is less rude. Now, Mike, if you open that door because you really want to, you don't expect anything back, and you want to get it from me, now what is it? Is polite kind no it's also polite i yeah i think it's not to mention they'll look back at you and they'll say wow that's nice well that's true um what a nice man yeah well now so is nice the verb of the of plan. No, we can't do that again. And you don't get to tie in the word polite with how the police officers used to open doors for people either. And that's where we got the word.

Okay. I'm not falling for that again. I like where we're on track. I think polite is just a societal obligation. Kind is when you really mean it. And being nice to someone is, you don't really care, but you're just going to do it. Nice? I think nice is better than that.

Yeah? Things can be nice, too. Yeah, well, that is true. That's where I was going. It can be nice outside. Right? Right. It can't be kind outside.

No, because there's no heart. The heart, if the heart is good, it's kind. You're really there with the heart. That's what kindness is. Kindness is from a good place's no heart. The heart. If the heart is good, it's kind. You're really there with the heart. That's what kindness is. Kindness is from a good place in the heart. Kind of. No, I'm fully on board. Good work.

Good work back there. The delay in audio there for all the listeners. Yeah. Well, they didn't notice it. What was Owl waiting after my finger guns for a good three seconds he will need to have some sort of the finger guns on a foot pedal yes so he's ready so so slow oh man we got to work on this what is the difference between a geek a nerd and a dork okay okay a geek a nerd and a dork well dork's a loser i mean like let's just call a spade a spade i feel like like a dork

is like a bad nerd it's like a nerd gone bad these three words have really transformed in language over. Nerd used to be bad. Nerd was, when you were in the 80s, especially in a movie based at a college, calling someone a nerd is about as close to the highest level of an insult that you could give anybody. But the nerds, we grew in numbers, and we started out to outpopulate the jocks, and now nerd is like a badge of an honor, and it's a cool thing. That's because, just to get into the history of it,

the history, it all changed with technology, computers. The nerds used to be the only people. They were math. Absolutely. It was math. It was pocket protectorsors glasses with tape on it what nerds but then it turned out these nerds would go to computers computers became more common and now all of a sudden they're rich they're rich it was like oh man those nerds are pretty

those nerds are pretty cool a dork is a nerd living on the fringes of nerddom like there's there's acceptable nerdiness but on the very dark edges, you know, like the cosplay people and stuff, they're dorks. That is correct. That is correct. I'm just kidding. But the geek, the geek, what's the difference between a nerd and a geek? Because they have a squad of geeks. I'm struggling here.

Oh, I got the geek. Is it a paid nerd? No, no, no. A geek has to have a topic. Like, you could be a nerd in general about anything in life, but a geek, you are- Like a Star Wars geek? A Star Wars geek. You are a geek for anime.

Whatever your category is. Because you geek out. Exactly. But I also nerd out. Well, but it can still be broader because nerds are just anything intellectual who goes to the conventions dorks. Okay, so the cosplays back in it. Yeah, I mean, look, in today's day and age and will change.

I mean, we've seen the shift in the past. Yeah, presence. That's right now dorks are losing. Dorks are losing the battle. All right, then I dorks. day and age and this will change i mean we've seen the shift in the past to the present but right now dorks are losing dorks are losing the battle all right then i dorks you gotta you gotta unite you know for a convention yeah you need you know you need to band together and it's just an abrasive word man i don't know if we can recover and redeem the word dork it's one of my favorite words to be honest because man you can really what a dork honest, because, man, you can really. What a dork. You can poke with it. Yeah.

It's a sharp word. It is a sharp word. That wasn't a finger gun. That was a point. That was not a finger gun. That was a point. Look at my hands next time, Al. I feel like dork might be the word that nerds use to insult geeks.

Yeah. No, that's right. So nerds call geeks. Yeah, no, that's right. So nerds? It's like, yeah. Called geeks dorks? Yeah, you're like, we might be nerds, but you guys are dorks. There is nothing better than when people decide that they are nerds for one thing and all the other nerds for the other things are dorks.

Right? That's a little hypocritical. That's usually, I mean, it's what I do. You do that all the time. I weaponize like you guys are Harry Potter dorks. Yeah, you potter you played dnd yeah and we're nerds we're awesome and we're harry potter dork yes never forget it disparaging word to keep your nerddom in your crew yes proud proud yeah because there are so many nerds now now we need a hierarchy of nerddom so i need a way to put you down to elevate me. Right. We are very tribal people. Yes. And we

when I'm saying we now I'm only including the three of us. The three of us, super cool would never be a dork. Yeah. We're about the coolest of the cool. Maybe my Pew pew pew pew. Oh man. Maybe my favorite what's the difference

segment we've ever done because I feel like we've really answered some big-time questions. Very educational. You've illuminated a lot. Well, let's move on to our draft then. The Spitballers Draft. Well, we are drafting the worst wedding gifts. And Al, I don't remember, where did we get this idea?

Did this come in from Twitter? Somebody suggested this idea. It was a Patreon idea. Oh, no, that's a nerd. Oh, yeah. Doing good work over there, nerd. I'll get the actual person so we can give them credit. And how many domains do we have pointing to our Patreon? At least four. Is it spitwadsquad.com? Does that work? That'll there, nerd. I'll get the actual person so we can give him credit. And how many domains do we have pointing to our Patreon?

At least four. Is it spitwadsquad.com? Does that work? That'll work, yep. Jointhespit.com, spitballerspod.com. Okay. Yeah, there's a lot of ways to get there. Yeah, at least four, though.

I just can't think of the fourth one. We gotta go register one. We can't tell you the other one. It's top secret. Try and find it. We've all been married. We've all had the lead up to the wedding, and and then you have your wedding and then everybody brings you gifts and then you traditionally you open those gifts sometimes people open them i guess you know really close

at the wedding do they ever open them at the wedding i don't know it's always like the next that night or the next day yeah but there are you, there's good gifts. Great gifts. Cash money. Cash. Oh, yeah. Cash. Then there's other gifts. There's gifts that people send and, you know, there's a lot of categories. Like they want what they're giving. That's a category, right?

So they kind of give you what they want. There's the category of like I'm giving you something that I think you need. Right. There's registry. That's always fine. Follow the registry. Always follow always fine. Follow the registry. Always follow the registry, which the registry should just be cash,

which we've seen. I think, I think Brooksie, didn't you take that registry path? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Brooks helps pay for stuff. Loves nothing more than cold,

hard cash. Like I know I've got so much, but I want more. Yeah. I won't buy the wrong thing with your money. Credit, credit where credit's due. This idea came in from the Rancid Pizza Box on YouTube. Oh, no, without that credit, there's just no way that...

The Rancid Pizza Box. Okay. Thank you for the idea. Worst wedding gifts, Jason, you have the first pick in this draft. I would go with a Rancid Pizza Box. No, there are two here that I was kind of back and forth on. I'm trying to play the game. I don't think either one of them necessarily comes back to me.

But if I were to just take it as the worst gift you could possibly imagine, it would be a cat. Oh, no. It's on my list. It would just be a pet,, no. It's on my list. No. Pets were on my list. A pet, an animal. You're stuck. Yeah. So, you know, the animal felt too broad.

Please take this to the shelter for me. Right. I mean, you cannot ever, just PSA for wedding or otherwise, gift an animal. That is a life that needs to be cared for. Yes. And that needs to be a decision from said owner who says, I am ready to care for this life. And also cats are literally little demons that should not be in anybody's house. I had a family member who once trolled me at a birthday party by giving me a present but they put it in the box of basically

like a gerbil cage so then i opened the box you know i opened the wrapper and i thought that meant i had to get a gerbil and was obligated to having a gerbil and i had to put on a funny face like thank you so much for the gerbil cage i guess i have to get a gerbil and i didn't like that feeling what was in the actual present i don't know something else like some dvds or something what's in the box all right so you took my number one all right pets was 100 102 comes back to me i don't have anything else okay that's gonna be a short draft no uh look there's a few directions here um i think the hardest part about getting a gift from somebody at your wedding is if it is something

that has to be put on display in order for you to say thank you okay which a lot of people they get married they move into a house like right then and they're decking out their house and if somebody gives me a giant painting okay I have two choices okay not hang it up and then they hate me hang it up and then i hate myself because if you get a giant ugly painting for your wedding gift you are stuck i have art on my list because art is another one where uh maybe the person you know beauty's in the eye of the beholder sure yep and so if you give me something that I don't care for, it's like we're in Arizona. There are so many people absolutely love the turquoise, southwestern look. You live in the southwest.

I cannot. I bet you like looking at turquoise while on the mountaintop of the Grand Canyon. Got to get the blanket ladder. Yes. I'm sure it's because we're in Arizona and I see it so much. If I was somewhere else, I'm sure I wouldn't have the hatred, but I just hate that look so much. By the way, my wife has a transplant.

She's totally cool with all that stuff. Oh, man. I have to fight it off with a stick. She'll buy that stuff and I'll be like, I don't want to see none of that Southwestern patterns. Yeah. Get it out of here. So I'm going to go with the art, the large, ugly painting that I am now stuck,

hopefully damaging on accident so I can tell them that's why I'm not hanging it up. It got ripped in transport. Ah, darn. Got left at the wedding chapel. So my first pick, I gonna go look what's terrible about this is it's crazy expensive it's just impractical it used apparently used to be a big thing like back maybe in our parents day i think it might even just been their parents so if you're talking about our grandparents, but it's the fancy China. I mean, like it's the plates.

The plates you can't use. There's a thing that they just they sit in the cabinet and they are used maybe once a year, sometimes never, because there is never an event that is fancy enough to get out a plate that cost $500 a plate or whatever it is. Our generation, we don't do that anymore. It was a remnant from the Downton Abbey days. Yes. It used to be a sign of wealth, and somehow that just kept getting passed down.

And we're like, yeah. And the plates keep getting used less and less because they're so expensive. Now the sign of wealth is paper plates. I can keep buying these over and over. You done with that? Check this out. That goes with the, China goes with the rooms we couldn't use and the couches we couldn't use and the tables we couldn't use.

Yeah. All right, that's a great pick. You got one more. Fancy China is a delightful pick. From an impractical thing that's really expensive to an impractical thing that's really expensive to an impractical thing that's not very expensive, but it sits on your countertop, and you're going to be angry about it.

It is a two-piece toaster. The toaster is at the top of my list as well. No, no, no. Did you hear what he said? It is a two-piece toaster. Oh, a two-piece. Because, look, a four-piece is a minimum. You give me a four-piece toaster, we're in business.

I have a functional toaster that can toast an appropriate amount if you have a two-piece toaster like it's 1952 i'm going back and forth to this thing five times just so i can get enough toast for the family yeah it's ridiculous yeah that's real a two-piece toaster why do we make these anymore give me a one seatseat car. Come on. Also, you said four-piece is a minimum, and I love that. You go bigger? But are there bigger? Can you get an eight-piece toaster? I don't know.

I've never seen bigger than a four-piece. I guess I've only seen four-piece in two long slots or four-piece directly side by side. Yeah, but I've never seen a six. I speak the lie. Okay. But yes, and those are... Maybe we can come out with an eight-piece toaster. I'm all about and those are that's maybe we can uh maybe we come out with an eight piece toaster i'm all about it but that's that's a toaster yeah it's just a toaster yeah you don't call it a four piece i had a toaster on my list i had a toaster on my list

you said i want an old awful version of this toaster good oh look how cute it is it's it's aquamarine or what are you like no No. I need it to be functional. Well, that's two very good picks, Mike. Both belong in your kitchen. They're stuck in your kitchen, and you'll never use either one of them because you'll buy a replacement toaster, and you'll put that one down below until that family comes over, and then you'll swap it. Wait, do we?

Oh. Owl found a six-piece toaster. They exist. They do exist. They are not cheap. I'm on it. I don't care. Oh, Owl found a six-piece toaster. They exist. They do exist. They are not cheap. I'm on it. I don't care. Oh, my gosh.

This has got to be a commercial toaster. Yeah, Culinary Depot. Oh, that is not the price the toaster should be. You should never spend $500 on a toaster. Buy three two-piece toasters. Sit them next to each other. Take up too much space. Too many outlets.

My second pick here is going to go into The awkward category which I think is an important Category for wedding gifts And I'm just going to call it Anything political Political books Anything political where you are Going to tell me your beliefs

And what I should read Any biographies of present Day political figures. Okay. I'm going to go anything political. I would like you to leave it out of my wedding day. That's fair. I don't think that that should be part of a celebration of love.

Of love. Unity. Or hear me out. Because we all get invited to weddings from time to time. You don't really want to go to this wedding. And if you want to make a statement of like, you made me come, don't ever invite me to Thanksgiving.

Yeah. You might be like, Hey, check, check out this QAnon book. Check out this. Uh, yeah, this pamphlet I found.

Uh, no, I don't want anything political. Just read it. Do your own research. Also don't invite me anywhere. Yeah. Do your own research with this pamphlet. Um, Jason don't want anything political. Just read it. Do your own research. Also, don't invite me anywhere. Yeah, do your own research with this pamphlet. Jason, you got two picks. You have

the cat. I have the cat and my second pick came back. And I think that this would be the you know, I don't think someone would actually give someone a cat for their wedding. Maybe I'm sure it's been done because there's a lot of marriages out there. But this one I'm sure has been done a lot. And it's been done because there's a lot of marriages out there. But this one I'm sure has been done a lot.

And it's a wedding card. That's the end. There's no money in it. Just a card. Just a we wish you well card. There's just an empty wedding card. A congratulations card with no money in it. Just a card.

What if there's a thoughtful note? I would open it. I would look for what's there's a thoughtful note? I would open it. I would look for what's inside. I can't pay my bills with this. He's trying to rip the paper apart from itself to find the money inside of it. And I don't think I would ever get to whatever was written because I couldn't find the money. So I would close it and then I would throw it to the garbage. You'd reopen it and see if it's in there.

So have you seen this happen? You're like a child opening a Christmas birthday card. You're reopen it and see if it's in there. So have you seen this happen? You're like a child opening a Christmas birthday card. You're shaking it. Yes, that's exactly. I mean, we've all been there. We've all been receiving presents for one thing or another, and we open the card, and maybe there's a gift with it. That's fine. But even when I know there's a gift with it, when I open the card, I'm always like, you know, it's the

golden ticket search in the chocolate bar. You open the card and you're like, is there money in here? No money. Bad card. I wonder if you could set a money threshold to read the card. Like if it's under 50, you just close it. Yeah, so

a card without money. Everybody expects money in wedding gifts. Yeah, for sure. All right, one more, Jason. Open that wallet. All right. I already made you rent a suit. Pay me. Yes.

All right, I am going to go with a marriage counseling book. Let's start. Oh, yeah. People give all these marriage help books. Look, bonus points if it's from a couple that has an obviously bad marriage. Yes. Yes, definitely. It's probably a re-gift or, you know, like, oh, I've read.

I had to read this. It's got all their notes circled inside. Yeah. That would be funny. But I don't think. You do this, Stan. I don't want. Well, first of all, I don't want a want a book like just don't give me a book

any book i just yeah the whole reading like i'm looking forward to opening my wedding gifts i'm not looking forward to opening a wedding gift and being like wait you you forgot your book right why did you leave this here i don't want it uh but then the like self-help nature it's you know it's it's they're trying i mean they're-help nature, they're trying. I mean, they're not doing something mean. They're trying to help. They're trying to help. I get where it's coming from, but also it's a little insulting.

Al said, cool, homework, thanks. Yeah, exactly. Okay, that's fair. It's a little insulting because you feel like you've preached that a little bit. Well, not only that, but when you are first getting married, you do not need... This marriage will be perfect forever with no problemos. Maybe you need the book. Maybe we need the books out there.

Yeah, the books might help. Yes, but I will get that when we're struggling, and I won't buy it for myself. But at that point, Jason, it's too late. And I don't want... I'm not going to read the book when everything's hunky-dory. It'd be funny if the book was directly advice for one or the other party. Do you know what that book is? It's just like being a good wife.

Yes, exactly. And that's the book given to both of you. Oh, man. Wife, yeah. Be a good wife book. That's brutal. How not to be an abusive husband. Oh, man.

That would be sending a real message it was rough oh boy all right my next pick i've gone with the large ugly painting and the political stuff look it's it's almost it's almost worse uh than than the card that's empty it's a donation in your name oh man that's a donation on behalf of both Oh, man. That's bad. A donation on behalf of both of you has been made to the Human Fund, right? To save the pandas. To save the pandas. I like the pandas.

I mean, just skip giving me the card and go donate to the pandas, all right? Yeah, it's not the donation that's a problem. A donation in your honor has been made to the Democratic Party. Oh, there you go. Yeah, combine them. Combine them. Here's how you should have used your money. So I took care of it for you and I sent it over to him.

It's really one of those like, I was going to do this anyways. I want the glory and I want to use this for. That's a double double. I want to get out of the gifting. Yeah. And what are they going to say? I mean, you can't say nothing. You can't complain about such a gracious charity.

Thank you for helping the kids on our behalf. Do you want to know what they were just doing when they say thank you for that? They're being polite because they don't actually think anything good about that gift. Mike, you have your final two picks? Yep, I got my final two picks here.

I know one of them for sure and I will go with... Can I pause you for one quick second? No. That was pretty quick. We're getting there. I don't even see his hand on the button. I don't know how he did that.

So my first pick, I'm going to go with low thread count sheets. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, Mike. Those shouldn't exist. What are we doing we doing here people that's like one ply what are we doing one pie toilet paper it's a punishment you're you're gifting someone a punishment when will the fda regulate these things that's a great question not my country the human body should not sleep on that low of threat count like it is essentially the donation

thing like If they're giving you these sheets because they're saying, hey, go drop this off somewhere because this place needs sheets. Goodwill will say, we don't accept that. We have a 500 account minimum here at Goodwill.

All right, that's a good one. Low of threat count sheets, it's so good. Good pick. And the two-slot toaster. I like the specific count sheets. It's so good. Good pick. All right. And the two-slot toaster. I like the specificity here. It's really good. These are all gifts he received individually. Just being petty. Did you get China?

No. Okay. No. I didn't get China. Thank goodness. We were a little older than that generation. Yeah. Okay.

And then the last pick, man, I'm going to go with, I hate, I'll go with this one. It's not that it's practical and we all use them. It's the fact that these things last forever and then they just start to stockpile and it's candles. And this may be me projecting what is happening you don't burn them fast in the right household guys we have an entire closet full of candles you've got to light them all one day just burn them out man and they just set off the fire alarm they just they last forever and ever and ever and you're like no i just need candle just one just please one candle do not overload me with all that's really funny this is projecting your house like i have

to store you have a candle closet i have to store all of these candles now that i will never use does that closet have a nice scent slash smell slash no it's not nice because it's 10 000 different scents combining into one megastructure. Oh, it's the headache of the store you go into the mall that's got the Yankee Candle company? What does Yankee Candle smell like? It smells like a headache. It smells like a migraine. There will definitely be a class action lawsuit in the future from, did you work at Yankee Candle?

Yes. Because employees there, how do they survive? I can't walk either can you not smell anymore did you work at yank a candle that's a funny one all right my final is your vision my final one to go along with the painting the political stuff the donation in your name boy i've got a few that I am... I'm going to go with the gift card to the place you don't shop at. Okay.

Because cash is king, right? Or, look, I grew up, I wanted to best buy gift cards. I could buy some CDs, some video games. That's great. I love that place. But I had a friend that grew up, and every single time he had a birthday, like clockwork, $50 at Kmart. What are you buying at Kmart, right?

Sure. Where is Kmart? Where is Kmart? Now it's nothing. So if you give me a gift card to a place I don't shop at, what am I going to do? Can you sell those in the secondary market? So where are you guys on this? Because I feel like the whole point of gift cards

is like it's a slightly more meaning than cash yeah it's well it yes it you're like i i kind of know you as a person i know you enjoy this place but you're locked in you have to go here so it's been viewed socially as a slight upgrade and i disagree with that i feel like just giving someone a 20 bill is actually the better gift i i see what you're saying and i and i think in pragmatic situations you're right it's definitely a better removing the unnecessary emotion that but like right now i'm putting together uh gift baskets for my neighbors sure and i had you know the thought of cash no i had thought of like okay we'll get him a gift card where could i get a gift card for putting cash in there yeah feels insulting yep it feels like

because it's not it's not you get if you give them a gift card to Starbucks, you're giving them a coffee. And I had to go and get this for you. It's that extra step. I didn't have this in my wallet. It's like hand-making a card on a piece of paper or buying one at Hallmark. Look, the handwritten card took you more time and effort. Right, but we've moved past that now because- I want to know you drove for me, Mike.

But you just make a stop at the grocery store, and every single gift card is there. It no longer is I have to go direct to one specific shop to show my value that I went down to the steakhouse. No, I went down to Fry's, and I was picking up some mac and cheese, and I just grabbed this while I was there. But I would give my neighbors a $20 gift card to Starbucks, and I would not give them a $20 bill. That would be lunacy. My point is that is a social construct that needs to go away. But when I give people cash. If I were to receive. I'm not saying you can't afford Starbucks.

If I were to receive a basket, I would be so much happier with a $20 bill than a $20 gift card. That's what I am saying. But I would never give that because it's insulting. We got to break these walls down. That's what I am saying. But I would never give that because it's insulting in one direction. We've got to break these walls down. It feels like when you start giving cash, everyone's exchanging the same cash all year long,

and it's all net neutral. Right? It's your birthday, you give me $20. It's Jason's birthday, I give him $20. It's your birthday, he gives you $20. I know. But if everyone gives me $20 on my birthday, I have a lot of $20. That you've got to give to everybody else on their birthday.

But once you use a gift card, that was yours. That was yours. Throw it away. Now, what do you think about getting the visa cards? Those things are the worst. They are terrible. They never work. Because you can't overspend them, right?

No, and there's like a surcharge just to buy it. But is that more effort to go through it? And they put expiration on them. Do they really? Yes. That's absurd. Come on. It's ridiculous, man.

You can't have cash expire. You know what doesn't expire? Benjamin Franklin. No, it just goes down in value 10% every time. Well, yeah, his body. No, he's passed on. His picture never goes out of style. Mike, you get a – or Jason, you get a or Jason, you get a final pick.

I get a final pick. I originally had at the top of my list a plunger, but I don't feel like that fits. I'm just thinking that's a terrible gift. Oh, it is a cool one to see in the pile. Like, yes, just wrap it real tight. If it was like an old school, like Super Mario plunger, I get that. But if it's one of the new fancy ones where it's like just just one push of this plunger and you're taking care of your

your poopy problem i mean they got new plungers oh yeah yeah oh the plunger technology is advancing at a very rapid rate are you serious yeah new plunger yeah i mean these things you might want to put new plunger technology like these, these things just take, like, it pushes three gallons. Are you talking about, like, the. You just think about it. You hold the plunger. You think about that toilet. Can you guys hook me up with some of this technology after the show?

Yeah. My children, nonstop. Need to be plunged. Nonstop. Oh, they got very formidable. No, it's. I think it's they don't understand the amount of toilet paper they do actually need. Yeah, they're like, how many sheets do I need?

About 35. Okay. And he's in a six-ply house, so it makes sense now. High thread count. High thread count linen toilet paper. Linen toilet paper. I don't know why I have to unclog my toilet so often. God, I used a new sheet again all right um my final pick i am going to go with baby clothes oh oh my gosh

but you're not you're not pregnant you're not pregnant yeah you're just getting married and you're saying go have baby, you just got married. Hurry up. Yeah, exactly. Get out. There's some pacifiers. Get out of my life. That's funny.

That's a funny pick. I love it. That's terrible. Don't do that. When I open a gift, I want it. Yes. For me. I want it for me.

I had some. We finished the draft. My bonus possibilities here. Weight loss equipment. Yeah, I've got exercise equipment. I figure a shotgun is not the greatest thing to give somebody. Oh, no. No, statistically speaking.

Yes, good point. At all marriages, the likeliest person if you are ever murdered is going to be that person you're marrying. Let's not do the shotgun a lot of what when i hit what we compiled like the bad things were these just super niche kitchen items like like an electric can opener you're gonna have opening a belgian waffle maker it's it's not that hard to open a can but now i have this behemoth taking up like half of my counter space it's like a you know deep fryer bread maker rot bread maker that's a good one there's some people i'm sure you use the crap out of your bread maker mine it sat in sat in a cabinet for about four

years and then it got given to someone who hopefully makes bread jerry seinfeld has a funny bit about how the kitchen appliance that doesn't get used eventually gets moved to the closet. And then it goes to its furthest destination, which is, of course, the garage. Yes. And no item has ever made it from the garage back into the house. No, because we don't need that many specific items. It is tough, though, because when you see them in the store.

Oh, they look like, man, I'd love to make some snow cones. How else am I going to poach the perfect eggs? Right. Yeah. I mean, like, we're definitely going to use this in the store. Oh, they look cool. You're like, man, I'd love to make some snow cones. How else am I going to poach the perfect eggs? Right, yeah. I mean, we're definitely going to use this all the time. And then you go down into the cupboards and it's like, oh, there's that thing that makes ice cream from bananas. Ah, yes. We forgot about that. I don't have a taste for that anymore.

Other free agent items. I've got cleaning supplies. Any kind of cleaning. You know, a vacuum. All the household stuff is scratchers i don't know that could be pretty good it could be or it could be someone just throwing money in the garbage yeah well instead of giving you that money that's true but i mean would you rather get5? Because that's what they put into this. Well, I would expect if it's a wedding gift, it's going to be at least $25 worth of scratchers. Or a handmade blanket.

I did think handmade stuff. Handmade anything. Well, I've seen a handmade blanket. That's not too bad. Handmade sweater. Here's the thing. That's a problem. I have a few handmade blankets, and it's more about the design or whatever.

Like a crochet? And like sewn things from my great-great-aunt type of things. And these aren't blankets that I will ever use. Sounds very thoughtful, though. Because you can... I don't need your thoughts. I need your money, and I need your comfort. Oh, my goodness uh brooks you're very anti-quilt no i'm making fun of jason there oh yeah greedy man yeah he sounds pretty terrible on this show doesn't he um oh you quilted this

for me grandma don't want it go to the. Yeah. I know that bank account of yours is piling up. All right. Well, we're wrapping. What did we learn today? Aruma. Oh, yes. I learned that owl is pretty slow on the finger guns. Not too bad.

And the... I didn't learn anything today, fellas. Okay. You didn't learn the two verbs make a noun? Oh, yeah. I forgot. We multiplied together. Now I have relearned the rules of grammar.

That was pretty fun. Very mathematical. Thank you, Owl. Thank you, Judge. We'll be back with another episode of the Spitballers next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to,

check out spitballerspod.com.