Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 22: Celebrity Best Friends and Vomiting for Money

Episode Date: November 12, 2018

What would be the worst jobs imaginable for the Spitballers to take on? Today's episode exploits their weaknesses and assigns them new jobs. Never fear, they also get brand new best friends in a celebrity best friend draft. We also find out what that there is a monetary limit to how much they love their children's health. Don't miss this episode and make sure to share it with your friends!  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Hello? Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Hello? Are we still doing this show? You guys are. Yeah. They still want us to do this show?

I want you two to do this show. That's the thing about podcasts. You can do it whether they want you to or not. Yeah. It's like if someone they want you to or not. Yeah. It's like if someone records a pod in the forest. Is anyone around to hear it? Or any trees. I don't know how that goes.

A podcast in the bush. An adage. Hey, I've got to tell you guys something. Okay. Uh-oh. something okay oh I overate at lunch yeah in a way that has affected my body soul and spirit right now did now did you there was an s in front of that word right because I was making sure no soul soul yes there was uh well you, you're never too old to learn. Oh, I've never learned this lesson. I just can't stop eating delicious food.

And my point in saying this is there's a chance that I will just decease on this show. And you're on the heels of a hot bachelor weekend. It was you taking care of the kids yes and apparently all your energy was focused on taking care of the kids because you decided not to care for yourself that is so true mike my energy was so focused on the kids that i could not think about say cooking right right because i was focused on the kids i I had to order in food. Yeah. Or I'd have to drive through food. Or I'd have to get somebody who works at a big chain to give me food for money. And so I ate a lot of fast food as my children did.

How many straight meals of fast food did you eat? How many meals do you have in four days? Since I have about five meals a day,'m gonna say 20 straight meals now for nothing ventured nothing gained for your for your regularity does that is that stop things or does that enhance things uh it enhances things we take uh this is going to be a very special show I was going to speak in only adages That would be super impressive But I'm not even joking

Even if you did a bad job I'd be impressed If you could get through a whole show That'd be a home run We have Situation Room on the show today Would you rather in a mock draft Maybe the most inventive mock draft topic I don't even know where to go with this. With the mock draft?

Yes. I only know one place. I'm not even preparing. I'm just... Oh, me too. You're just going to wing it? I'm going to wing it. Just going to wing it.

I know what the topic is, but it's going to be a surprise to... To yourself? To everybody else, and my answers will be a surprise to me. At SpitballersPod on Twitter, if you want to send us a question, SpitballersPod.com. We're on Instagram, is that right? We are. We are on Instagram.

I think it's budding, burgeoning. Is it? Burgeoning? A lot of hot content on there. You know what they say, better late than never. That's right. And we're on the old Instagram. Speaking of Facebook, we're on Facebook too.

Everything is SpitballersPod if you want to follow us. So I think we're going to jump right in to the Situation Room. The Situation Room. I wonder what the quality of this show would be before and after we eat a heavy meal. What's the difference? Yeah, I don't know if it would. I genuinely don't know if it gets better. Right.

Because my brain is gone, shut down, kaput. And so I'll say stupid things. Or if it gets worse because I can't listen to either of you and what you're saying. I have very little capacity to respond. You fall asleep. Here's the situation. You fall asleep and wake up moments before your name is announced for an award you didn't know about or why you receive it. What do you do?

Oh. So you wake up. You just wake up and they're calling you up to the stage. All right. So you're stirring away. Jason Moore wins again. Oh, man. I'm sprinting up there.

I'm like, whoa. Where am I? An award?. I'm sprinting up there. I'm like, whoa. Where am I? An award? Yes. And I run up there. Is that what you say to the microphone? An award? Yes.

Oh, thank you for this award. Your first reaction is positive? Oh, 100%. I feel like this would be a startling wake up, and I would just be terrified. You'd be afraid that you. That I have done something wrong and that I did not know about. But you're at an award show and you're dressed in a suit. But you didn't know that.

Well, sure. Yeah, you're just. I can see. Okay, hold on. So did I get to this? Did I get there? And fall asleep. And fall asleep?

Or did I fall asleep in my bed and I wake up and I'm at this award show? That one. That one. Yeah, because you don't know what the award show is. You don't know why they're calling your name. You don't know where you are, why you're there. But, I mean, at some point you realize when they hand you a trophy that you've won something. And that's when I jump into my adages up on the microphone.

It's not always positive. I mean, there's like the raspberries. The razzies. It's mostly positive when you win an award. The definition of award is usually positive. But what if it's an award from a group of people you didn't want to win an award from? That would be comedic. Like you win some Scientology Scientologist of the Year award.

All of a sudden, Cruz is there. He's like, you did great work. You're like, what are you talking about? What did I do? That's what I mean. It would be horrifically terrifying. You thank your audience. Oh, yeah, the fans.

Yeah, you thank the fans. See, I would use it as an opportunity to get nuts, to go absolutely wild as a victor because I don't know what it is, why it is. I don't care about the consequences of my actions. I could go up there, and I assume when I wake up I'm in a suit. Is the suit coming off is oh the suit is gone by the time i get to the podium why why is winning an award a license

to disrobe so as you're running down the aisle jackets flying off the ties coming off and i'm screaming i win i just imagine you screaming Attica up on stage. This reminds me a little bit about when I was in high school. I had to give a presentation on a book that I was supposed to have read the whole semester. Oh, classic. And I didn't read the book. But I did rent the movie the night before. Another classic.

And I got up there, and it was the hound of the baskervilles which um i don't remember much about the hound of the baskerville yeah it's a uh made that up right no sir arthur conan doyle hold on i'm checking this out it's wait if it's ever a book written by someone with sir yeah in front of their name i'm out that's a that's a rule of thumb no it's watson and hol, it's Watson and Holmes. Oh, really? Yeah. It's the Hound of Baskerville.

Yeah, Sherlock Holmes is out. The point is, it's a pretty big book, and I was supposed to read it, and I didn't. So I rent the movie. I write the presentation. I make it up out in front of people trying to save face in front of a class and my teacher. And then she starts to ask me questions about the book. I remember this. But they were questions that I didn't know the answer to because I hadn't read the book.

And that's what this situation... You get up there, you just got to say the minimal amount of words. Now, luckily, someone else in the class spoke up and answered the questions. So I got away with it. You got bailed out? But if I get up there, I would say something like, I just want to thank everybody so much for this award and look there's more i could say but thank you really is enough

enough goodbye farewell all right we're moving on all right uh a stranger on the street offers you a thousand dollars to drink one bottle of what he claims is... What is that? Ipecac? Yeah, Ipecac. Do you know what this is? No, I don't know what Ipecac is. It makes you puke, right? Yes.

Do you do it? Ipecac is like if you've been poisoned. Really? You're supposed to drink that to induce vomiting. It's like basically drinking hydrogen peroxide. Right. Wait, do you do that too i know that you can you do that for your dogs wait you can drink hydrogen peroxide to throw up yeah well

like if you drink hydrogen peroxide your dogs throw up yeah they get really grossed out how dare you cramp on my couch you know what you're getting i had an ear get Get ready to vomit. If I could punish my dogs by drinking hydrogen peroxide and then they throw up, I'd do it. Did you dig that hole? Sugar? Did you? Are you? Oh, I'm getting the bottle. And they just cower in fear because they're at the side of the bottle?

Yeah. The best part of that is you can force them outside before they yak. I didn't realize this Ipecac stuff existed. I'm reading about it now. A plant. It's used to make medicine. Apparently, they treat bronchitis associated with croup in children with it. Oh, sorry, children.

To get them to throw up the mucus. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. That's a powerful throw up. But, yeah. So, would you do it? You'll vomit out your lungs. In other words, if you offer me $1,000 to throw up a bunch, I'm not doing it. I hate throwing up.

Throwing up is the worst. I'll pay you $1,000 every time I get the stomach flu to not throw up. I hate throwing up, but the family's planning a Disneyland trip right now. $1,000? $1,000 would be pretty cool. Let me ask you a real question. This transitions it a little bit but if you know you get different diseases and you could just pay a certain amount of money to avoid it right like you're about to get a stomach bug for a week or

you're about to get bronchitis for a week or uh respiratory infection or the flu right like the flu that people get shots for. And then right then. The flu that kills thousands of people. Yeah, that kills thousands of people. Yeah, I would pay to avoid it. But how much is what I'm saying? Like if you knew that you. Right.

Like right now, you've got the flu. Mike, you've got the flu on Tuesday at 1 o'clock. You're getting it. You're going to have it for eight days. You can write a check right now for blank amount of money. That's what I'm saying. That's terrorism. I hate throwing. Like I hate throwing up so much that I'm like, I really wonder if you're like, hey, you can

skip this one. So you're saying you would pay $1,000 to skip throwing up? Like a two-day throw-up session, I would pay $1,000. What? Yes. No way. Yes, I hate it so much. No way.

What is the money for if you're throwing up my later end it to live life what do you mean it's for later it's not for during the throw up it's for three days later would you pay for your kids or would you want them to go no no they can you deal with it doesn't really i deal with it yes so you would let your kids suffer for two days of money i have such a hard time watching. I bet you wouldn't do that for your dog. When I love. Do you know how I know people and their dogs know that I know hydrogen peroxide makes your dog vomit?

Because I've had to turkey baste her hydrogen peroxide into my dog's mouth to make her vomit. How'd it work? Like a charm. charm oh that's i don't have to try that tonight you just did it for fun right it wasn't because it was tuesday that's abuse no dogs were hurt in the making of this podcast she ate she ate fabric she had a sock she needed to vomit it up no i i would do do it. I saved her. I would do it. Now, the biggest fear here isn't the throwing up. The biggest fear here is what is the question ominously state? It says that they claim.

That's a great point. This could just be poison bleach. Whoops. A homeless man can't pay me $1,000 to drink whatever he wants me to drink. It doesn't say that. It says a stranger. It could be a't say that. It says a stranger. It could be a finely dressed gentleman. Okay, a stranger.

No, I'm not drinking a $1,000 bottle of randomness. It could be Jason after an award show acceptance, so he's nude. Tell you what. Well, no. The boxers stay on, man. You got to go all in. No, I'm not all in. You're chickening out at the last step?

I'm being- The big reveal? I'm being friendly to the audience. I'm pretty sure that I would be willing to make a concoction that I would pay you each $1,000 to drink.

I'm pretty sure I could come up with things that would... I'd be satisfied with the results. Hmm. I wonder which way he's going.

If you're interested, I can work it out because this is a bottle full. All I know is I want... Officer, if you're listening, make sure you make note of this. If for some reason Mike or I show up dead,

maybe we were poisoned. I'm drinking it. Heck yeah, let's go. I am reluctantly drinking it, but drinking it is still the same. I spent most of my life being... You get 20 bucks if you sip it. I was on the side of avoiding throwing up at all costs.

You go into a full zen meditation of, I refuse. I will not vomit. But I don't know. Just one day, I realized you feel better once it's done, and I've just, I've fully leaned into it now, or if I know it's going to happen,

like game time, let's get this over with. That is the best attitude to have, but with your kids, let's say tomorrow you find out your kids are going to get a stomach food for three days, 20 bucks, 20 bucks.

And you can stop it. Oh yes, of course. A hundred bucks, a hundred bucks. And you can stop it. A hundred dollars. Yeah,

I would do that. Sure. 500 bucks. You know, all right. That's of course. $20. $100 and you can stop it. $100. Yeah, I would do that. Sure. $500. No. All right. That's the limit. Somewhere between there, you're making your kids suffer. That's what your value is to me, children.

That's a PS4, bro. Yeah. That's Red Dead Redemption. Sorry, children. If I told my son that you can either be sick for three days with a stomach bug or- Get a PS4. We get a- No, not even a PS44 just a copy of madden

he would take it he would take the stomach flu yeah he'd be like all right good let's see madden because i'm gonna vomit for three days all right your boss comes in and says you have to assign each of your co-hosts a new job what do you pick so we are assigning jobs for one another interesting what's a person that raises spiders oh my god because that's what i want to give So we are assigning jobs for one another. Interesting. What's a person that raises spiders? Oh, my goodness. Because that's what I want to give Jason. Tell me that's not an occupation. I think that's called the devil.

No, no, no. I'm pretty sure that's the person raising spiders is Satan. I know what I'm giving. You just made me the devil, sir. That's too far. I know the job. I'm giving Jason. He is a farmer.

Oh, no. He is a farmer. Manual labor? You have to. Well, I mean, you're in charge of it all, but you have to do all the work. You have to raise crops. You have to sell them for money. I'm going to be drinking whole milk.

You are a full farmer. You got to get up early and milk the cows. You got to clean up the pig poo. You're a farmer. Wow. Mike. This farm will be burnt down in quick order. I'm trying to think of what I'm going to do to Mike.

I was going to make Jason a ringmaster. For a circus? Yes. Oh, you're giving him a job he would do well? I think he would thrive and he would enjoy it. You're with large animals. Clowns. Right at home. at home yeah your people with my people carnies yes no that would be great i would i would rock that i'd be the greatest showman oh well hopefully hopefully you'd actually be good hugh jackman hugh jackman where you uh you age how do a teenager into a 60 year old man. How do we

torture Mike? What job do we need to give Mike? Yeah let's hear it. Alright I think you gotta get up early. Right? I wake up at like 530 now bro. Do you? Oh children. Yeah. Children have ruined that. No they're children and then. I don't think his mood's any different though. Nope.

Okay. Oh! Dude I've got it. Okay. We've got to have a job. Bring it on. That involves nonstop social... Interactions. Interactions.

You've done it. You've done my kryptonite. And they have to be super unimportant. He works at Dutch Brothers. Oh! Yes! Oh, my goodness! That's the best job?

Mike is walking car to car taking orders at Dutch Brothers. I will set myself on fire before I work there. That is the perfect, terrible job. No offense, Dutch Bros, but that's not for me. I can't even go in a Dutch Bros line. I can't get around one. I literally, when I'm driving, we got the family, and my wife is like, I really want to go to Dutch Brothers.

I pull into the parking lot. I open the door, and I walk around, and I say, you're driving. I can't deal with that stuff. I have heard the rumors of Dutch Bros, of what people endure. I mean, they go for the social interaction. I have never been to a Dutch brothers because of all the horror stories, which people think are awesome. They're all true.

Everything you've heard is true. Of the interactions of how the small talk that these people endure and all I want is a coffee. There's no chance that they are as happy or as nice as they pretend to be in that line. It's too much, Mike. It is so over the top. Now, are there people out there that don't know what Dutch Brothers is? Maybe.

They are drive-through coffee stands where people will wait out here, at least in Arizona, they'll wait like an hour in this drive-through coffee line to get their Frappa Mocha Chino smoothie. Mocha Chocolata. From surfers. From the happiest, nicest. From Ronald McDonald. Coolest. From the youngest, nicest, over-the-top, small-talking psychopath.

And that's why we hate them. Yes, exactly. They're just too nice. Sometimes it's the fact that, you know those horror movies where sometimes you get the people with the extra big smile? Mm-hmm. That's how it feels. All right.

But Mike works for them now. Awesome. Mike, what are we doing to Andy? What are his weaknesses? What are the weak spots? Pick a card. Pick a card. Pick a card.

Pick a card. Manual labor for me. Social interaction for you. It fits in with that a little bit because it has to do with a story that we were told recently. I'm going to do with a story that we were told recently. I'm going to make him a roofer. Oh, that's so good. Oh, we were good with the ladders.

You had to go up on your roof and fix a displaced tile. Yes, I thought this was easy. You're like, oh, I'm just going to hop up here. Have we told this story on the podcast yet? No. there i bought a ladder for this i went out and spent the 200 dollars a ladder cost we heard the stories both on slack and then in person with photographic evidence of the nightmare situation he was put in which was this getting back down off the roof and the pictures don't look that bad and he tried to break this thing down like there's a pruder film i did and i'm like well i couldn't turn around and couldn't go back down this way i thought i was gonna die

the tiles were hot and then he's talking about how whenever you had landscapers over as well doing work and whenever they'd come by you'd pull out your phone and act like you were doing something on purpose. Oh it's hot out here. I took a good 20 minutes to plan my descent and during that time if a landscaper walked by I had to act like I meant to be up there at that moment. He took his email out

The signal is great up here. and wrote a goodbye letter to his wife in case he falls to his death off his one-story roof. It was bad, man. So I'm a roofer? You're a roofer. Oh, I'm a roofer that's going to use a carabiner and whatever.

Well, all that stuff. You're putting mounts into the house. I'm putting mounts in, baby. Oh, that's fantastic. Wow, this was fun. Let's get into Would You Rather. Would you rather? We got some crappy jobs.

All right, this one comes in off of a listener. It comes in off of a listener. It comes in off of Instagram, a listener named Rinjack. Would you rather always be hungry at work or always sleepy while driving? I've been sleepy while driving. It is the worst thing possible because you can't play that game. I fell asleep and hit someone with a car once. What?

What? It's really true. So, well, hold on. You're not, like, openly admitting to a crime on a podcast right now are you they're dead no no no it was not that ominous no this was this was i was a 16 or 17 year old kid so this is a long time ago i don't know how this story can turn positive. It can't. I fell asleep and hit a person with a car. I had a job. I had a few drinks. Keep admitting.

I had a job at Staples, and I was scheduled to open. So I got to get there like 6 in the morning. 16, 17-year-old Jason is not okay with getting up early in the summer to go to your job at Staples. So I'm driving my little blue beat-up car, and I'm so tired, falling asleep, staying awake, and I'm pulling up to the intersection that I have to turn left at to pull into the Staples. I made it. I'm in the left turn lane at the red light. Okay.

Then I wake up. No. Yes. After I had hit the car in front of me. So I went from stopped to hit the car in front. Okay. Hold on. So when you said you hit a person, it was a car.

Yes. Yes. It was a car. This was false advertising for this story. A little disappointment on the story. You got a little fender bender. I got a fender bender. From falling asleep.

From falling asleep. But the thing is, thank goodness there was a car in front of me turning left. Because I would have gone out into an intersection and been touched by the sideways moving cars. And no, thank you. So, yeah. That car. That car. Haven't you both worked at a Staples before?

Mine was an office, Max. Yeah, totally different. And you quit that job as fast as you'd quit Dutch Brothers. Yes. And Jason, you worked at Staples for how long? A summer. Oh, okay. I don't know.

A year in kid time. I always wonder how those stores stay in business because I go into them, there's never anybody there. Here's the crazy thing. Back in the day before everything was bought online, also no one ever there. So they are clearly a money laundering company. What do we call it? Staples. Yeah. It don't matter. It was clearly a money laundering company. What do we call it? Staples. Yeah.

It don't matter. Pencils? No, go Staples. Yeah, what was the question? Would you rather always be hungry at work or sleepy while driving? Yeah, sleepy while driving is a pretty dangerous gig. But the problem is I am always hungry at work. Well, then you've...

Okay, you're always hungry at work. So I guess i'm just choosing my current life over falling asleep although i mean you're at work longer than you're driving that's true so you're enduring being hungry and it is hyperbolic to say i'm always hungry i get hungry around lunchtime i am currently for example hungry the opposite of hungry oh like i need to drink some ipicap immediately or alternatively you could do a three finger push on my tummy and would also induce vomiting let me ask you a question do you work harder if you're hungry at work does it drive you towards your breaks no i was just wondering if we could come up with a new strategy for our employees.

Yes. Starve them out. Lunches at 4 p.m. Mike, which do you pick? I'm going to go with the hungry. Hungry at work. I mean, we care about people. Yeah.

And I think we're willing to take that sacrifice. Being sleepy while driving does not mean that you're going to fall asleep. It just means you have that sensation of you're rolling down the window. You're slapping yourself in the face. Yeah, but that's you. AC's on maximum. Here's the difference between me and you and me and most people. A lot of people get sleepy and can stay awake.

You two have both been around me where I flash fall asleep. Yes, it's true. If I am sleepy, I am sleeping. I wish that I had a magical button that I could push that would make me fall asleep the way you do. It's called overeating. The man who can't finish a movie? You have a magic pill. It's called put on a movie.

Put a movie on. Actually, I did have to fall asleep a few nights ago, and I went and got a pint of ice cream. I was not hungry. Yeah. That was your sequel? I took it like an Ambien. It's your cough syrup. I ate a pint of ice cream like an Ambien.

Doctor, I'm having sleep trouble. Let me write this prescription for Breyers. Would you rather have the ability to teleport anywhere in the world, but show up Terminator style? In other words, nothing with you, including clothes or the ability to travel back in time, but have to stay for exactly one month and then come back.

This is a weird question. So I can, I can go anywhere in the blink of an eye teleportation style, but then I got a whole new problem. Yeah, you're now, you've shown up. I've shown up like it's an award show. Or I can travel back in time, but I have to stay there a month. And then I come back.

So that kind of sucks. A month is a long time. A month is a long time. A month is a long time, and that's to go back in time. You could end up in a place where you don't want to be there for a month. Yeah, do you get to choose where you're going back to? I assume. I would imagine so. Not like, oh, poof, there's dinosaurs chasing me.

Oh, no. I'm here for a month. I'm here for a month. I'm here for three hours before I'm dead. This is where I die. Here's the thing with the teleportation that I think I would love. This is my, like you play a video game. Right.

And you can like teleport back to base. This is just anytime I need to go home from wherever I am. Oh, then you're naked at home. Yeah, I'm cool with that. Let's go right into the bathroom. You always have underpants in there. Exactly. You always have underpants in your bathroom?

If you know that when you teleport, you're nude. The way you said that was just like. I keep all my underpants in my bathroom. But everyone does, correct? This is where you store underpants because sometimes you might need to change them. Yeah. No, Mike, I don't store underpants. But you would.

That's what I was saying. What if you did all your teleporting directly into department stores? Then you'd have to steal clothes. You have no wallet. You'd be a shoplifter. Why don't you just put on some clothes? They probably expected you to have clothes. Yeah, but you are stealing.

That is correct. That is correct. You're also teleporting naked. There are bigger problems at hand than stealing a shirt. Mm-hmm. I guess you got no money, huh? Yeah, you have no money. Yeah, you don't have your wallet.

You have no means. That's a problem. I mean, going back in time would be fun. But if you land somewhere and you go, oh, this is not going to be a fun month. This is going to be bad. Yeah, if you cannot control it, otherwise it's pretty easy because the financial gain of time travel is just so appealing. The financial gain?

That way you can pay $500 to keep your kids from throwing up. In that case, I could because I would be infinitely wealthy. You are going back in time to rescue your children from vomit. That's big of you. Now who's the hero? Me. You guys want

a draft? Kind of. The Spitballers Draft. All right, today we are drafting celebrity best friends. Okay. Fun. I don't know where to go. Oh, man. Because if you made this one like celebrity bodyguards,

I could bend it a certain direction, right? Like you try to- The rock. You pick up some celebrity- This is just best friend crew. I feel like we did celebrity bodyguards when we did action heroes. Yeah, we basically thought of- But this is people you have to hang out with day in and day out. Yeah.

Oh, someday. Oh, never mind. So these are your best friends. We should do like a celebrity crush. Our wives listen to this show. Yeah, you can go with that one. You're on your own, man. All right. All right, so who's got the first pick?

I believe that you do, Andy. Oh, gosh. I don't know. You get to kick this off. I'm going to wing it, everyone. There are two best friends that I'm really looking forward to here. You know? You have two easy one-on-ones?

I've got two guys that I hope get to me. I've got one, and I'm two picks away, so it's not. So I have to pick first now. Chances are good for you, Jason. Yeah, because Andy's going to go with Andy Griffin. If I had to pick a celebrity best friend right now, you know what? I'm going with a combination of humor. I'm going to be entertained.

He's going to bankroll everything. Very rich. Very wealthy. I'm going to go with Jerry Seinfeld. All right. Jerry Seinfeld is going to be my first celebrity. He will make fun of you left, right, and center. How much riding in cars with comedians have you watched? All of it.

Because I know he's getting a little ornery, but he's still very rich. He is still very rich. right and center. How much riding in cars with comedians have you watched? All of it. Because. I know he's getting a little ornery, but he's still very rich. He is still very rich? He does not. He is full DGAF. Yeah. He's above it all. Literally everything.

Yeah. I mean, he does. But not our friendship. He's my best friend. He's not giving a crap. He's my best friend. About your feelings at all. Is this a one directional best friend situation? Yes. He's my best friend. I feelings is this at all is this a one directional best friend

situation like he's my best friend i'm not sure i'm his uh no we're best friends oh that's well congratulations we are now because he drafted him you must be my best yeah at this point they've they're basically your best friend all right mike all right uh similar to andy my my best friend will bankroll things we are going to to have very, very interesting conversations. And we're also going to go very, very fast because I'm drafting Elon Musk. Oh, okay. All right. That makes sense.

We can possibly go to space. Maybe we go to Mars together. I don't know. I think while I respect the pick, very smart, genius man, one of the smartest, the best innovators in the world. Terrible, terrible pick. Terrible best friend. I'm worried that you're going to be like, two days in, you'll be like,

I have made a terrible mistake. Maybe. This person is crazy. I feel like he is not a socialite. I think he's a man who prefers to stay away from crowds. Yeah, that is true. So you're down with, oh, you want to find some more in that category for you. So me and Elon are going to Netflix and chill.

Yeah, that's true. He's going to be working. I would hold off on the chill part. He'll always be working. The Netflix is all right. I see the kids talking about that all the time. Am I using it wrong? Yeah. Yeah, you are. Okay. Netflix is all right. I see the kids talking about that all the time. Am I using it wrong? Yeah.

Yeah, you are. Okay. Good news, fellas. There were two. Yeah, Jason, the odds were nearly infinite that you would get one of the two. Look. And you could get both now because we're doing the snake draft. Yeah.

Met this guy, excuse me, in my youth. Funniest man I'd ever had the pleasure. Joey Gladstone. Joey Gladstone. Cut it out. So funny. And since then, he's become like the funniest man on the planet. And there's a very famous scene.

Oh, I know where you're going. We just become best friends. Yes. Yep. And my best friend is Will Ferrell, without a doubt. Because Will and I, I call him Will now. Yeah, big Will. Most people call him Will, actually.

Big W. All of his friends. Yeah, well, that's what I'm saying. You should call him William to change it up. Will and I would make incredibly fun videos for no reason. Probably a little profit, I mean, if we're being honest. But, you know, we would have a good time. We'd go to the grocery store together, and we would goof off.

We'd cause a ruckus, buy some groceries, because that's probably why we're there, and just have a great time no matter what we're doing. I want a best friend who, no matter what we're doing, we're having fun. And that's me and Will. But you know who I'm going to need with me since it's my pick again? Please tell me. I need to assemble a posse that have different personalities that all get along together. So I need a little bit of cool, right?

Because me and Will, we're goofy. We're awesome. Okay, debatable, but yes. Not lookers. But we're not. It's one way to say it. Yeah, we're not the heartthrobs. I need a heartthrob that we can get along with.

Hey. Hey, Jay. Heyrob that we can get along with. Hey. Hey, Jay. Hey, Will. They make movies together. Hey, we've done some movies together. Hey, say hi to your mother for me. It's me. It's Mark Walden. Mark Walden? Mark Walden. Hey, I forgot my name. No, it's too late. You drafted Mark Walden. No.

Running back from the Cincinnati Bengals. It's me, Mark Walden. Mark Walden is my pick. I did not draft Mark Wahlberg. What's the ruling on this, Andy? I'm not putting a poll up. The ruling is he can't have Mark Wahlberg. Oh, yes. Say how do you mother for me?

So I've got Will Ferrell. I've got my stepdads, you know? When you talk about... Now, it's your pick again, right? Yeah, this is impossible. It's a very, very difficult challenge. I'm going to destroy in the polls. Man.

Tell me you wouldn't want to hang out with those two guys. Oh, I would. I definitely would. Those seem like two delightful gentlemen. Except for, have you seen Mark Wahlberg's schedule? Oh, you're comparing that with Mr. Elon Musk over there? No, but no. Just how outrageous his thing he lays out.

Because Elon's schedule is 23 hours of working. Right. All right. I've got my pick. You can't steal. That's important to me. I'm pretty sure I'm going to find the one celebrity that you were thinking of. Yeah, celebrities are a wide range. This is difficult because you were thinking of. Yes. Celebrities are a wide range.

This is difficult because you prioritize different things, man. All right. Well, just in case I need to be a socialite in case J I C I'm going to take my man. One of my favorite actors. I'm going to take Leo DiCaprio. Oh,

interesting. He's a handsome gentleman. I feel like we could, like the rules just go out the window for Leo DiCaprio. The guy can do whatever he wants. But, you know, I mean, like we're all still a team because Leo's, he's an environmentally friendly fella. Okay. Elon's trying to do that as well with electric cars.

I mean, I got a theme going. You got Clooney next? You got a theme going. Why you got to erase my pick? Hey, I don't know. I'm just trying to drop some hints for Andy. Destroy your team. So you've got Elon Musk, Leo DiCaprio. Yeah. Jason is Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. Oh, heck yeah. And I've got

Jerry Seinfeld so far. And I am going to add in Jimmy Fallon. Oh, that's good. Oh, that's a great pick. One of the most likable, funny. Yeah, that's a great pick. Obviously, you know, Jerry had his time.

Jerry's kind of, he's moved past his prime time. Jerry Seinfeld and Jimmy Fallon also get along very well. Yeah, well, see, and that's the key here. You got some chemistry. I'm picking Jimmy Fallon's best friend for my next pick. Oh, well, see, and that's the key here. You got some chemistry. I'm picking my... I'm picking Jimmy Fallon's best friend for my next pick. Oh, no, you're not. Justin Timberlake.

When you said J-I-C, I thought you were going to say J-T. Yeah, so I'm adding Justin Timberlake to the mix. Well-rounded. Very funny. I think this crew would have a great time together Man Sorry

That's an excellent pick These are just nice people Yeah they are They are definitely nice people Now what do you do? I can give you some Here let me give you some Cindy Crawford

Are you interested in Cindy Crawford? Sure. What about Puff Daddy? Oh, P. Diddy. Come on. P. Diddy. No, no, no. This is the Puff Daddy version.

Can you go back in time? Give me Chris Farley. Oh, no. Sorry. No posthumous. Our parties are great. No posthumous. Best friends.

Who else you got? Having troubles over there? I certainly am because there's two. I can give you Bieber right now. I can put Bieber on. I can write it down. Justin Bieber. Josh Bieber?

Is that what you said? No. You said Justin. You write a circle. Yes or no. Will you be my best friend? This is from Justin. All right.

Because there's two comedian guys. You don't have a comedian yet. That's true. I do not. You've got a psychopath and then a ladies man. A genius psychopath. I'm going to go because one of them is just he's so domineering. I feel like he's going to try and take over even though I love him and he's very, very funny. So I'm going to go the other way. I'm going to go with Jim Gaffigan. Oh, that's so good.

I'm going to go with the dad jokes aplenty, the self-deprecating humor. We can all get on board with this. He knows the dad life very, very well. Wow. So now I've got some humor. Jim Gaffigan is very good. So I've got a problem. Jim Gaffigan is very good. So I've got a problem here.

Yes, maybe you have many, but which one do you mean? Uh, the current problem is that I have two picks in a row. So this is, so you need to stall. This is really difficult. Like I've got one.

I'm very confident that I'm, I'm going to add to my crew. Look, I want people that get it and they're funny. They're successful. I got the two-pack so far. Adding Adam Sandler is a no-brainer to me. He's done? Is that happening?

That's a great add. That's my next pick for sure. I mean, Adam Sandler just had his Netflix special come out with all his hilarious songs. Yeah. He's got children, you know, so we can... We got that alike. We got that alike. We're both equally funny, me and Adam.

Yeah. That's what I... The Sandman is what he likes to be. Yeah, you don't know him like I do. Okay, but you can't figure out your last pick? Well, I mean, there's so many different options here. You know, do you go... You both have

the wealthy... We can do whatever we want. Do I add a Bill Gates to my team? You do you, man. This is your best friend. You want to be best friends? You want to be best friends with Bill Gates? No, I don't. Thank This is your best friend. You want to be best friends? You want to be best friends with Bill Gates? No, I don't. Thank you, Andy. I don't want to be best

friends with Bill Gates. I don't think you do either. No, because then it'd be like, oh, Bill wants to hang out. I heard literally this past week he spent his weekend in China talking about the greatest advancements to sanitation that the world has ever seen in the last 200 years. I mean, good. I'm so happy that someone's doing that. Do that work. greatest advancements to sanitation that the world has ever seen in the last 200 years i mean good

that's i'm so happy that someone's doing that yeah do that do that work away from me right that work somewhere else um and i also think like growing up all my best friends were girls like shouldn't i have yes uh a female in the mix to have a good time. So I think I'm going to go that way, but I'm worried about the polls. I'm worried people are going to be like, you coward. Panderer. This girl doesn't belong in a group of best friends. And I say, no, that's wrong.

That's wrong of you to think that. Good for you. And I'm going to take someone that I think is very talented, but just fun. Betty White. That's what I was about to say. Was it really? It really was.

How did you guess my pick? I was just trying to think. Wait, that's your pick? No, of course that's not my pick. No, Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence to me. Oh, J-Law. J-Law, as they say. Jennifer Lawrence of Hunger Games fame.

She's amazing. Likeable, funny. So likeable, so funny. She doesn't take herself too serious. Yes. So we would all, I mean, think about this. Neither do you. Me, Will Ferrell, Jennifer Lawrence, Adam Sandler, Mark Wahlberg. We're the coolest in the club.

All right, Mike, who's your last pick? Do you have yours? I do not. I do not. I do not. Right now you have Elon Musk. Yeah, I like that. Leo DiCaprio. I like that.

Jim Gaffigan. Oh, yeah. Look, it's a strong team so far. But this last pick, I don't even know which direction. You've had a lot. I figured you would have figured this out. No, because I was enthralled with Jason's story. Well, I apologize.

You're going to need to make a panic pick here, Mike. Yeah, tilt your face off right now. Just go and pick the first celebrity you could think of. You know, I went female, so if you want to go that way, then Roseanne Barr is available. She's in desperate need of a friend. I've heard she's out of work. I'm going to go with another celebrity because I think he just seems like...

Because it's a celebrity draft. Oh, I meant comedian. Another comedian. I'm going to go with another celebrity for my celebrity best friend. Comedian. Because he seems like such a delightful man. I'm going to take James Corden. Oh, that's a great pick, but I messed up.

Sorry, Jennifer Lawrence. I would have booted you out of my friendship circle. Oh, let me undo my pick. No, because you did not let me undo mine last time. James Corden, I like the pick. Yeah, he seems like he's a very fun guy. I'm a musical guy. I need someone that I can sing with. I like the pick. Yeah, he seems like he's a very fun guy. I'm a musical guy. I need someone that I can sing with.

I have to quit. The show, The Spitballers. Hold on. We'll get to you. It's not your pick. You can tell us your regret after. I have several people I'm thinking of. I thought I could go sports, right?

You could go with a Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Michael Jordan. Do you actually want to be friends with Tom Brady? No one wants to be friends. No one is friends with Tom Brady. Do you want to be friends with a stalk of celery? No. No. And that's why I'm not doing it.

But I also thought strong consideration to Kristen Wiig and Amy Poehler. Thought about both of those. But you can't combine. I mean, you only have one pick left. Right. And that's why I'm going with Steve Harvey. Oh, yeah. That's a great pick. I love it. So I'm bringing that's why I'm going with Steve Harvey. Oh, that's a great pick.

I love it. So I'm bringing Steve on board with my crew. Steve Harvey, you know that guy is a blast. I feel like you're just spending your entire life getting roasted. Yeah, oh, for sure. Between Seinfeld and Harvey. Seinfeld and Harvey are just, your self-esteem is just going to be smashed. Unlike Seinfeld, Harvey would interject life wisdom

in between each of his roasts of me. I would learn some things from Mr. Steve Harvey. I think you could learn from both of them. So I have Seinfeld, Fallon, Timberlake, Harvey. Jason has Farrell, Wahlberg, Chandler,

Jennifer Lawrence. No, I didn't pick Jennifer Lawrence. You can't change. But you guys didn't pick him. It doesn't matter. Make it a waiver wire. Add drop. This is off the wire.

He's my best friend. You had your chance last show when I said, oh, crap, immediately. I knew what I should have done. Is this Andy Dick? No. Oh, goodness gracious. That almost induced vomiting right there. No.

My best friend. Dr. Drake. Let's hear your regrets. Is Chris Pratt. Yeah, I actually strongly considered him. Shoot. Chris Pratt is. Shoot.

Like, me and Chris Pratt, I genuinely believe would be best friends. You really should have thought of that when you drafted four other people ahead of him. Sorry, Chris. My bad. All right. Well, go vote over on Twitter our latest poll for the mock draft. Yeah, go to Twitter to see which, since I put up the poll, see which celebrity I put up.

Vote for who you think has the best celebrity best friends. Sorry, J-Lau. Enjoy yourself over there. Thanks for listening, supporting the podcast. We like to have fun. And if you have ideas for drafts, send them our way. We'll do them on the show. And we will see you next Monday.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.