Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 222: The Great Bean-Off of 1888 & Things That Are Cold - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

On today’s episode, Jason Explains to us the origin of a very well known idiom. We also discuss acapella music, how often we mop our floors, and the definition of a moment. We close it down with a draft of things that are cold. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-freezy, a-weezy, a-breezy, a-sneezy, it's so cold! Chili! Alright. Welcome to the Spitballers Podcast. Beautiful.

Sensational. You know I love it topical. Yeah. And, but to go, to let the spit wads in behind the scenes, the, you were asking in the office, you're like, what is it? What's the thing that I always do in my scat? Cause like with Andy and our, you know, some kind hearted feedback and poking fun at our, and our friend over here doing this.

Everyone's got their bedingy. I've always said that. We we all have our a crutch well and i remembered that the last time i had the scat you pointed out that i did something i just couldn't remember i don't remember what we say like five minutes ago yes so i certainly didn't remember what my thing was so i had asked you you said i i'm wheezy you're right yeah you do uh you go to a whisper like a chili yeah you go to that so you you took that feedback and said i will not rest upon this crutch i i uh i'm no tiny tim that's right i walk on my two feet and i will go as loud as i can possibly go it's so cold. Can't whisper when you're yelling.

That's what they say. That's the only two volumes I have. Whisper and scream. Welcome, welcome. Well, Jason, this moment in time is the furthest you are from your next gap. It's the best feeling. Once it's done and over and we're on with the show. I like that we do have like complete autonomy we built

a show that has a built-in thing you dread oh yeah yeah yeah yeah and we just stuck with it uh welcome into the spitballers would you rather jason explains that's a great question and uh speaking of topical we are drafting you know the weather it's changing even here in Arizona. It's a little cool outside, so we are drafting things that are cold. We are drafting things that are cold. I am curious what you will rank at the tippy top of your list of cold things. You won't be happy, Andy. Really? Yeah.

Well, that's ridiculous. That's your number one pick? Just to ruin me? Not just to ruin you because it's the number one pick. Oh, okay, ridiculous. That's your number one pick? Just to ruin me? Not just to ruin you because it's the number one pick. Oh, okay, okay. It's fine. There are other picks that I like. I got some good ones.

Oh, I got some great skis. It's going to be a fun one. I can't wait. Can't wait for this draft. At SpitballersPod on Twitter, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. Al would like me to make a public service announcement. He is retired. No, he's not retiring.

The return of Liar Liar next week. 2.0 is about to be unleashed upon us. Go back. Go back and check out the most recent Liar Liar. I don't know what episode number that was, but Al got real. He's deleted the episode. He got real mad and said, fine, I'm changing all the rules.

That is his voice. We played that. That was a clip. Let me play that clip again. Here we go. Yes, I'm changing the rules because you guys. Thank you, Al. Yes.

So the rules, I guess they're changing next week. Liar Liar returns. Looking forward to it. Let's get it started. Would you rather? All right. Isaiah from Patreon. Would you rather have to listen to all music as instrumentals with no lyrics or acapella music only with no instruments?

And I assume that these are both good. Yes. Right? Because. You're getting like the Pentatonix. You're getting the dudes from the Carmen Sandiego. Because not all acapella. The world is.

Carmen Sandiego. Not all. Acapella groups can be. I believe that Rockapella is their name. I believe all acapella groups can be i believe that rock is their name uh i believe all acapella groups are awesome that's the the official statement no it was funny i was in my car yesterday and i had spotify on and every once in a while i just want to venture somewhere completely i just want to take a turn into a dirt road you know what i mean like i i'm gonna go away from my normals and i'm just gonna mess around with the spotify app and i i clicked on genres and moods okay and then i scrolled down genres

and moods and i i found something called uh house chill oh yeah house chill and then i clicked on that yeah i'm in on that and i was completely in the mood with the with the sky the way it was it was dark it was rainy and i like, I want some house chill. But my interpretation of that, and this is, I'm a layman on the house chill, was that there would not be lyrics within this. There would be no vocals. And so when the music started going. Yeah, it's an EDM, right?

It's an EDM. And I didn't want the vocals. And the vocals kept coming in. I was really disappointed. Were they actually like sing-sing lyrics? No, there was some sing-sing lyrics. Interesting. It wasn't just like a, you know, like a.

Were they throwing just a two phrase, a phrase here or there? No, it wasn't like one of those. They were singing? They were singing. Just full songs. So I was really disappointed, but I was kind of weighing, in that situation, I really wanted instrumental. I think that's got the longest lasting value here and that's my final vote i certainly i know for sure that i can get annoyed with the acapella groups however there's an

advantage like acapella groups good ones sound like instruments they can they can do a nice you know baseline bass line. Yeah, they have bass and drums. Sure. I mean, those are some instruments. They really need to bring my trumpet into those things. What about the, like, the, oh, wee-oo, like those? I mean, that's just vocals.

That's doo-wop. That's part of it, though, right? They're not just drums. You got somebody in there. Yeah, but I mean i i don't consider that like trying to mimic an instrument okay all right that's fair i i'm going instrumental i think that's what i want i am gonna go with instrumental and something that's been interesting for me my uh entire life of because i'm a musician have been since birth and the way that I listen to music is the words are almost not important to me.

You know, sometimes a good lyric stands out here or there. But frequently, I hear the voice as another instrument. You're just singing the melody notes to me. The words are sounds. Yeah, exactly. And I don't know the words. You're just singing the melody notes to me. The words are sounds. Yeah, exactly. And I don't know the words. I'll be, you know, the popular songs,

everyone knows every single word to this song. And it just, my brain never takes that input. I know the melody. I'm like, I can tell you what the auxiliary guitar is doing. I can tell you what the percussion is doing. It's really weird. Do you guys have that ever happen? Yes. Yes.

I was going to say I am far less advanced in every musical aspect than you, but I am not the lyric memorizing, word memorizing listener. And I also laugh because when I was growing up, I listened to tons of bands that had lyrics I definitely shouldn't have been listening to. And I didn't. I didn't even hear them. It was like I heard the musical part of the song, not like my sister. She memorizes every lyric instantaneously,

and I'm like, it's just not how I listen to music. I'm with you guys. I remember the sounds more than the words, and I can totally relate to now being an adult, listening to the songs I listened to when I was a kid being like, whoa, that is. Yeah.

I had no impact on me at all, but I knew the words I could sing the words, but like they just meant nothing. They were, they were just sounds. So, so Al does. Thank goodness.

As a fan of sublime growing up that I didn't listen to the lyrics. Al is a musical person as well, but you actually like musicals, where the lyrics are incredibly important because you're pushing forward the story. Are you more of a lyric man, or do they just kind of make sounds to you? In general, I'd say they're just kind of sounds, but when it comes to musicals, yeah, I definitely listen to the lyrics a lot more. I definitely listen to the lyrics. It's for musicals.

Sorry, man. There's no reason. The problem is that voice is really fun to do. It's a blast. You should try it. Well, not to do, but to listen to. That's what I meant. Isaiah, that is our final answer.

Justin from the website, would you rather receive a car that never needs to be gassed or charged and stays in day one condition for eternity? That's cool. That's a cool idea. So far, so good. It's like Jason's new pair of socks every day. He just opens the garage and it's a brand new car, all charged or gassed up. But I donate them every other day. It's not in the notes here.

Does it maintain new car smell? Of course. I imagine, yeah, day one condition. All right. Which is a great smell. That is a big deal. Number two option here, you could have that, or you could have an oven that instantly produces any meal or food

that you can dream of. Gourmet-level meals for free, instantly, for life. Jason and I both just threw our hands up like, why is this a this would you rather it's the second one would you rather have a car that's just a little newer you know like when you first got it or magic like my car drives just fine and i can clean it whenever i want i can take it to a gas the second The second one is a superpower. Or would you rather be able to teleport?

Are you overlooking the savings from no gas or charging your vehicle? I am not overlooking it. Free food for life? Are you overlooking? Do you know how much more I spend on food than I spend on gas or charging? I was going to say, do we need to dumb the second one down to make it a fair trade? What if it is one? Your oven stays clean. No, no, no.

Here we go. It's one meal a day for one person, but it has the magic. For one person makes it. One meal a day for one person, gourmet level, for free, instantly for life. I don't know what my family's going to eat. I'm still taking that one. I know what I'm eating. I'm still taking that one. Yeah, because I'm eating. I'm still taking that one.

Yeah, because it's instantly and it's gourmet. What's your gourmet going to be today? Oh, man, that would be so great. Are you on the side, Al? I mean, since you were trying to poke us there, are you on the side where you take the car? No, I'm taking the food. Okay.

All right. I was just trying to make it more interesting or make sure you weren't overlooking anything. You know what, Justin? We like eating. Yeah. I think if they gave me four cars for free, I would take the food. Yeah.

What if it was not gourmet? What if it was bottom of the barrel, but it was free and instant? Ooh. Okay. Bottom of the barrel is pretty delicious. You ever scraped the bottom of a barrel? There's, you know, you really get that goop. Lower quality, the food.

Deliciousness. That's where all the flavor is. Yeah. The char. It's not good for you. The grease. Good for you. Like the edges on the mac and cheese.

All right. Scott from Patreon. Would you rather be limited to 35 miles per hour or 35 megabits per second? Oh, this one's brutal. Translation for the second one, slow internet. Really slow internet. Slow internet or slow driving. I mean, this is...

I don't know how I live with either. You have to take the internet. You're limited over there, so you can actually drive but 35 i mean no you can't use a freeway here's the thing that's funny about that is if i think the pain in the restriction of 35 miles per hour is not technically the duration of how long it takes you to get somewhere it's you 35. Like if you told me this was a chauffeur drives you everywhere at 35 miles an hour, I would just chalk it up to this is how long it's going to take me to get there. You might as well be getting on a train or something, and you just show up when the train gets there.

You're a menace to society. Well, that is a fact. My chauffeur would be. No, but your chauffeur cannot take you on the freeway because you'll get pulled over for going too slow. Just throw those hazard lights on. What kind of car can you drive where it would be appropriate to go 35 miles an hour?

Golf cart. Okay. Okay. Okay, yeah, yeah. Or you're pulling like one of the big rigs that pulls half the house on the freeway. Those can go 35, right? Yeah.

I'm just trying to say where the other drivers are freeway yeah those can go 35 right yeah i'm just trying to say where the other drivers are like yeah no problem a vespa those are those allowed on the freeway those can't be allowed on the freeway so see that i would expect it to be going 35 then no i mean 35 miles an hour rollerblades like you know we we live in a day and age now where a lot of us have gig internet. You know, it's a thousand megabits down. But it's like, we don't need all of that. I feel like the internet...

I want the fast internet. That would be devastating. Really? To go to 35 megabits per second. Streaming is gone. See you later. You're not streaming a thing. I could stream at 35.

Yeah, that's what I feel like. You can't stream well at... What are we getting up to, Anthony? No, you could stream at 35. You can stream on your... My phone rarely has anything close to 35. You're 100% right. Even though they tell me that I am on some new technology.

5G, ultra wide, my white butt. Exactly. You're right. 35 is fast enough. I guess I was interpreting it as much slower yeah it's if i change it to five megabits a second you the whole equation changes i don't i don't think so if you're saying you can't stream then you have to drive slow because streaming is life that's that's how i get my tv that's how i was driving here in Arizona. Yeah, I mean, oh, man.

So we have some family that lives on the other side of the valley. The valley in Arizona is very spread out. The Phoenix metropolitan area is a bunch of little cities that are all kind of connected. And it is a freeway drive of like an hour to go to my in-laws. I would never see them again correct at least at their place and that's a bit bad no that's a terrible thing i do i love my in-laws i love uh we that story normally ends with like so i'm taking the 35 miles an hour no i i am i'm gonna take the slow internet i don't think I could drive that slow. I get frustrated when someone ahead of me is driving slow.

And if it's me, not only will I be frustrated with myself, but I'll be so paranoid about who I'm angering behind me. Oh, the hazards are 100% on. I do kids drop off every day and sometimes pick up. And so you're in these car lines. I am the personality type where I am like, get out of the car. That's pressure pack. You've got five seconds.

There are cars waiting on me because I feel so like I am letting other people down. And then the car in front of me. They're like, oh, they've loaded up their back. The kid's getting out, popping the trunk, taking his time. I got scolded the other day. By your school? Yeah. Too slow or too fast?

Sir, please don't kick your kid out of the vehicle. Too early. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's such an Andy Holloway thing to get scolded for i was five minutes early to when they're supposed to get out and it messes the whole lineup oh you were too early to pick up i was too early to pick up and then you know like the kids aren't out there ready yet but i'm in this big line where all these other kids at different grades are ready

oh right right right i got scolded but i'm not don't do pickups, so that was a new world for me. So, Jason, you're the math person when it comes to these types of equations. So we live about – our office is about 12 miles away from our homes because we all live pretty close to each other. So what does that work out to be time-wise? That would be six hours. 12 miles at 35 miles an hour would be six hours. Pretty sure.

Don't do the math on that, but yeah. But I mean like legitimately it would take you, because it's about a 20-minute drive for us now. So you take that to, what is it? It takes like 40 to 45 minutes? 12 miles. Well, in an hour you'd drive 35 miles, so it would be a third of that roughly. So you're talking.

This is why I went to you. It wouldn't be that much longer for our job. No, it wouldn't be that much longer. And how slow would you agree to go if you never hit a light? That's the question I have for you. Speed limit. You can't go below speed limit. Yes.

Oh, because of the social pressure thing. Yeah, and I would say five over the speed limit. Five over the speed limit is the speed limit. If you had to go way slower than the speed limit, what I would recommend is taking your car and beating it up so that people think you have it floored. You know, you go go you scrape that thing up you rip a fender off this thing's total this shouldn't even be on the road you put some smoke

like like smoke makers in the back to where it's coming out of the trunk put like something that's dragging on the ground sparking everywhere you do also i think give yourself some protection because we we've all certainly seen the cars where they've got two spots where this person was clearly in an accident. Not a devastate, but their car is messed up. And I've looked at that car and been like, I don't want to be around this car. I am terrified of this driver because this person don't care.

If that person's car hits my car, they do not care. How do you feel about trailers being pulled around aren't trailers like the worst thing to be around you feel like something's gonna go wrong yeah there's something's gonna fly off the trailer the trailer's gonna fly off they don't go fast yeah stay safe out there all right uh it's time for some jason explains jason explains in 60 seconds. Well, we thought we'd work this segment in after you displayed your math prowess so well moments ago. Explains mathematics.

And let's go ahead and what do we do? We spin a wheel? Is that what we do? It's been a minute since we did a Jason Explains. Hey, Jason, explain how Jason Explains works. Well, give me 60 seconds. What happens is Jeremy pulls up the magical wheel, spins it, we hear some clickings, and then an answer is selected by the supercomputer.

That is correct, except for some reason the wheel audio is not being routed properly correct. I got you. I got you. Jason explains. The idiom spill the beans. Oh, goodness gracious. Yeah, where was that? Where did it come from?

No, I actually do know this one. The idiom of spill the beans, it was actually created in 1888. Because what was happening was there was this- Very bean-shaped year. It was a very bean-shaped year. That was just coincidence but what happened was there was a famous recipe for these the the world's most famous beans they won the bean off in 1888 and so everyone was you know there wasn't a lot going on back then so beans were a big deal and when they won the 88 being off everyone wanted to know what the recipe was so there was a

bunch of rallying cries and everybody when um yeah in fact people don't know this ll bean uh the store that was that was the creator of the uh being a winner he went into fashion later but ll being they don't do the bean off anymore do they know that uh the bean off that was the final one was done after that and so he went to the podium to accept his award everyone was saying spill the beans they wanted the recipe and he he did give him the recipe oh really he did um and that's what made him have to go into fashion because his beans were not his beans were not special anymore so now when you say spill the beans it means let us know what we want to know, information you have that is secret and safe.

Thank you. Yeah. Spill the beans. And he went into fashion. Right. And is that where you got that shirt? Yes. This is an L.L. Bean shirt.

Okay. That's right. Well, that's very helpful. On to the great question. That's a great question. That's how you imagined that to go? Yeah, nope. You weren't aware of that?

The grapey hump? I didn't know that that was a situation in the 1800s. In the 1880s. Yeah, I didn't know where that specific term came from. But for it to be the last one and for him to win, quite an accomplishment. Wouldn't have been the last one if they didn't say spill the beans. Spill them. Okay.

RG from Patreon. How long is a moment? This is one of the great questions today. How long is a moment? For instance, someone says to you, pass me the remote, and you reply. One moment? In just a moment. Okay.

Or you may say, do you remember that moment in time when I spilled the beans? Those feel drastically different. Right. This is why I'm using two examples because I feel like- But you went from a moment to a moment in time. I feel like one moment and a moment in time, that's a very different measure. Do you remember that moment a few years ago, Mike? That would be another sentence I could use.

Yes. Oh, he didn't say in time there. Yeah. Do you remember that moment a few years ago, Mike? That would be another sentence I could use. Oh, he didn't say in time there. Yeah. Do you remember that moment a few years ago when you spilled the beans? That seems short. No. What? Yeah.

A moment is fleeting. I think a moment is between 30 seconds and three minutes. I think it could be under 30 seconds. Did we just have a moment? And you're like, it was just a- Oh, because something happened. Lightning struck. So if we said the same thing at the same time-

Yeah, we had a moment. Then we had a moment. I want to say that it creates a memory. But the problem with saying it creates a memory is when you say just a moment. When you say just a moment, I'm not creating anything. I'm saying like two seconds. It's basically akin to that so i'm wondering if there are basically two moments there might be a moment a moment is it should be a set

amount of time it should it should be an i think it was a set amount of time they just say well what's a bit then a bit a bit a bit is usually like something that you perform for a good joke oh hey jason when are you going to come over later a little or when are you going to come over a bit later in a little bit in a bit in a bit is a bit or a moment longer a bit in a moment longer than if you said in a moment i'll be over in a moment means like i'm i'm almost on my way i just need a little itty-bitty moment one moment please that's moment. One moment please? That's another phrase. One moment please.

Somebody's trying to quantify a moment. But they're being very specific as in there's just one. Yeah, but so you can have multiple moments together at the same time? Has anyone ever said two moments please?

Yeah, give me three moments and I'll be right with you. No, they never have. No, because it's not a unit of time. How many moments in one wedding? Well, you can have many moments in a wedding. The moment when the bride cried. That's one moment.

The moment when they kissed. I think you have to have a memory to a moment. Okay. And so when I say one moment, please. When you're on hold, you're remembering that? Yes, exactly. I'm trying to remember what it was i was asked yeah but what about when you say uh when i say hey jason come in here and show me where where this

food is and you say give me a moment yeah give me a moment so you gotta so i gotta give one to you now well what i'm saying is give me a moment because i'm i'm gonna pause you right there and then i'm gonna have to remember what you asked of me. And because I remembered like, oh, yeah, you needed that, now the moment is over. It's a moment to remember the question? It's a moment to remember the question. I think when people say one moment, please, they're actually saying, hold on, I want to remember what you just said.

If it is a unit of time, I think it could be anywhere from one second to like. Five minutes? Yeah, maybe even ten. The question, to put a bow on this. Cause we've really nailed it. We've exhausted it. At what point after someone says, give me a moment,

are you allowed to then approach them again? That's the moment. A moment doesn't become one moment and it becomes more than one moment. Okay. We'll put the timer at five minutes. So at five Oh one, I can say, Jason, you've had

your moment yeah you've had a moment i didn't have a moment because i didn't remember and so the memory is is key now you now now i need to have that moment we have a different problem if you took more than five minutes to remember right. It's a medical issue at this point. Yeah. I'm not going to get into all the extremities of that. Charissa from Patreon, if a car were invented that ran on stupidity, where would people go to refuel? Hmm. Where do people refuel? Washington.

That's D.C. Yes. Okay, I assumed. Oh, man. Those people up in the Northwest, dummies. Get out of here, Seattle. That ran on stupidity? Man.

The sets of reality shows? Oh, man, there's a lot of fuel to that. Is this just who's stupid? Is that the question? I'm saying Al Nod. Where do you go to refuel? Where does stupid congregate? Oh, refuel where does stupid congregate oh man congregate give me the fourth quarter of a football game i'm going to a couple middle schools uh for sure sure um i think that there's a lot of dumb things happening there

especially when they think it's smart oh that's when it's even stupider for sure um if they just knew that it would that it was dumb and immature then it's just it may you could argue it's smart right man there are a lot of dumb middle schoolers aren't there there are a lot of dumb we all were yeah oh yeah do you know how often my my parenting advice for teenagers is to basically tell them how dumb i was when i was there that's basically what i keep dumb I was when I was there. That's basically what I keep reminding my son. When we get into arguments, father was an idiot. Cause when you,

when you get to a certain age at 14, 15, 16, I think 17, 18, right around there, you basically don't know very much, but think,

you know, all of it. Now that's what being a teenager is. But are you, I would refuel in my son's room. No offense, son. Are you- I love you.

In fact, giving him permission then to do dumb things because you're saying, I did a lot of dumb stuff. I totally get it. But look at me now. Look where I am now. Successful family. Got a good business. Got good friends.

That's how he would reply. He would reply with that. He would be like- That's how I would reply right now. Successful family, got a good business, got good friends. That's how he'd reply. He would reply with that. He would be like... That's how I would reply right now. Yeah. You've just given me permission to act the fool. No, you're right. There are holes in my parenting technique. There's also no way to parent a teenager. That's also the other thing.

I think you could do a small charge if you can't make it to the set of the reality show or the middle school. Yeah, or Washington, D.C. But you need just a little bit more. You could pull out your phone and just pull out some social media apps. Yeah. I was going to say, how do you get to the YouTube comments?

If you could get your- That's where stupid lives. If you could get the gas canister to start flicking through TikTok, you'd be like having unlimited gas. Yeah, you just let the car watch some reels. Oh, man. Man, this car's going fast. Yeah, yeah. We did it.

It is definitely. It's reels. It's TikTok. Look, guilty. Oh, yeah. I refill my stupid tank all the time. It's like the Billy Madison quote where it's like, after watching this, that is the stupidest thing that I've ever seen.

We are all stupider for having watched it together. All right, Joseph wants to know, what are the thresholds between a pebble, a rock, and a boulder? Well, this is outstanding. All boulders are rocks. I can tell you a boulder will not fit in your shoe. No. No.

I don't think a rock does either. No, a rock doesn't get in your shoe either. A rock doesn't fit in your shoe either? No. No, if it's in my shoe, it's a pebble. If a rock is in my shoe, there's a... There's a hole in the bottom. There's a hole in the bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so you're saying... Pebbles are the only thing that can get into a shoe. That can slip through the top of the shoe. Exactly. Yes. If it can fit through there, it cannot be a rock. Technically, if your foot's not in it, you can put a rock into a shoe. Okay.

But if your foot's in it, only a pebble gets in there. So ankle in. Yes. Rock cannot fit. Rock cannot fit. Pebbles are in. And all pebbles do are they get in your shoes. I feel like a rock, to be honest with you, like, I need to be able to pick it up.

That's exactly what it is. A boulder is different for people. Yeah, I need to be able to climb that or, like, it will fall on you but you can't pick it up. You probably have some boulders, Andy, that aren't boulders to me. Oh, because of weight? Yeah, because I can pick up that boulder. Which means it's a rock.

Is this one or two hands, though? Two hands. Oh, I feel like if you gotta go a second hand. You can't one-hand a boulder. No, I don't think you can two-hand a boulder now which means it's a rock you know is this one or two hands though two hands oh i feel like if you got to go a second one hand a boulder no i don't think you can two hand a boulder if you could yes you could you can roll a boulder yeah you can roll a boulder but if you can lift up a boulder it's just a big rock yeah really yeah you can't pick up a boulder so then well there are boulders in yards that are kind of i was gonna say that the the big landscape, they're selling me some boulders that I could definitely pick up with two hands. Then they've got you some big rocks, Mike.

Oh, you're paying for them. They're charging you for boulders, but you're getting rocks, man. And listen, America and the world, when you've got your landscapers coming out here and you're like, oh yeah, we ordered these boulders for the landscape, go over there in front of them. You better have heavy machinery. You pull it up with all your strength. And if you can lift that off the ground, you say, I ordered boulders. I want a refund.

I ordered boulders. You get me back here something I can't lift. That's right. This is case closed. Al, you agree, right? I mean, this is easy stuff. I mean, rocks are the most. There's more rocks than anything else

uh yeah I would I don't know pebbles sand is not a bunch of pebbles is it no cause then I'll change

the whole equation I don't think sand is pebbles we can't get into sand right now sand is like the single celled organism of rocks

yeah sand is the single celled it hasn't evolved yet yeah um okay settled alec from patreon how often do i need to mop my tile floors versus just sweeping or vacuuming i'd love to know your answer to this interesting i have my answer and i don't know i think it's a bad one okay is when i can see stuff on the floor like but you can sweep that up. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, like a smear? When you sweep the floor, it's stuff that's on top of the floor, right? It's not like a stain, some water dripped, and then it got dirty, and now there's a spot on the floor. You mop a floor to clean the surface, not to take things that are laying on top of it.

But if I can't see spots or dirt or... What about dust? What if you see dust? Well, you could sweep dust. Yeah, but enough dust you don't sweep. Yeah, you got to mop that. Like if it's a massive amount. Really?

Well, I mean, like you're saying you... I feel like I wouldn't want to mop dust. Take a glance out over a whole big room and then you see dust on all of it. You would not mop that? You would brush that? Well, here's what's really ironic. It would be a dust mop, which is sweeping.

A dust mop? Yeah. You know what a dust mop is. Dust mops, I feel like, are the biggest scam in the world. We actually, so in our house. I'm talking about Swiffer. Yeah. Is that what you mean by a dust mop?

No. Oh, okay. No, I mean a dust mop. That's a thing. You guys. I know. I'm not doub what you mean by a dust mop? No. Oh, okay. I mean a dust mop. That's a thing. You guys. I know. I'm not doubting you, but it's a push mop that's made of like cloth, right? Yeah, it's basically.

So our broom in our house is actually a dust mop. Why do you say that with so much condescension? So our broom in our house. So there's the dust mop that you're telling me that there's no water involved? Correct. No, there's no water. None at all. I don't know why they call it a mop.

I feel like we need a new definition. A mop implies- Dust broom is another word for it, though. It should be a dust broom. I'm 100%- But it's a dust mop? I think some people call it a dust broom. No, that's-

I would. A dust broom? I've never heard of dust broom in my life. A mop says there is water involved or some sort of cleaner. Unless the word dust comes in front of it. No, no, no. This is chicanery and needs to be removed. People are selling products

with mop on there and there's no liquid cleaning. You get a bunch of dust mop results. Right, yes. You get dust mop. Now those are not efficient for a home. Oh, those those are not efficient for a home. Oh, those are actually super great for a home. The average home.

If you have like- Because you can't navigate around small areas with a big dust moth. Well, there's different sizes. So our normal- We're going to call it a dust broom because that's what I use. This is ridiculous. It's the size of a broom. It's about 12 inches across.

But then what do you do with the dust? You have to wash the dust broom, right? Yes, you do eventually have to throw. Or do you mop the broom itself? No, you just take off the little microfiber, throw that in the... That's what I'm saying. This is a big business. They give you the Swiffers and the dust brooms,

and you got to throw their things away and buy their subscriptions. So you don't like Swiffers? Swiffers are, you just need so many of them. Every time I've tried to use a Swiffer. The replaceable pad? Yeah, the pad. It's like, I buy a Swiffer. Well, cool, man.

I got this Swiffer. It's so fast and easy. Squirt, squirt, squirt. And then I'm going through the whole package to get like half my floor. Then it sounds like you need to be mopping more often. I do need to be mopping. Or living in a smaller house. How do we not have self-mopping floors?

Self-mopping floors. I haven't figured the engineering out yet. We've got the iRobot vacuums. We've got the Roomba, yeah. And they do have... The floor should be at an angle so the water can come out on the top and... Can you grade my house, please?

That's nonsense. They have the vacuums built into cabinets and stuff, right? Yep. Yeah, where it just goes into the wall. I'm just saying. I mean, those were, yeah. That was pretty hot in the 80s, I think. But I mean, I don't mop my floor because it's been a week.

I mop my floor because it's dirty. You don't have a mop day? I don't have a mop day, no. Yeah, that's how my wife is. We threw a couple of parties on the weekend. She mopped the floor because it wasn't like it was mop day. No, you sweep and mop when it's dirty. So these things are talking about like, so there's dry mops.

This is blowing my mind. Yeah. A dry mop? You never heard of a dry mop? To me, mop means liquid. Mop means liquid. But when you have a dry mop or a dust mop it means psych it's called a broom it's called a psych mop i mean as a verb to mop something is to clean or soak up liquid from something by wiping so technically you can mop with a dry mop if the

surface is already wet okay so. So then it becomes. It becomes a mop through touching the wetness. Like if you spilled a soda. Yeah, you would mop that up. You would mop that up. You would. You cannot sweep up a spilled soda. Gross.

Because there's liquid involved. But you don't want it to be wet when it's a dust mop. Right. No, you definitely don't. This is making me upset. One more hour should we draft like you've seen you've seen you know you go to a basketball game right yes and they're popping up the sweat no but before the game when they do like the sweat when someone falls but like before the game they go and they sweep up the dust yeah so that the surface is not push broom

kind of yeah but what word did you just use? Mop. He said sweep up the dust. Yes, but that's called a dust mop. That's the tool's name. I didn't name it. No, I'm not mad. I don't think you named it.

He's not got an issue with you. He's got an issue with big dust broom. It's ridiculous. It should be dust broom. All right. We are moving on. The Spitballers draft. All right. We are drafting things that are cold.

Jason, you have the first pick in our things that are cold draft. Don't screw it up. I won't because even though this might not be like my favorite at the table compared to someone else. This is such bull. When I thought of what are things that are cold that are awesome, that are lovely, that are beloved, that I like, I mean, it was a very easy answer to say, well, ice cream is,

I mean, that's the number one best cold thing. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I don't necessarily agree with you. Okay. Well, I will say this. There is something else on my list that I enjoy more, but ice cream was the first thing that came to mind. So you're taking ice cream.

It's the 101. I mean, look, it's a powerhouse in the cold team. Yeah. You can eat it on a hot summer day. You can eat it on a chilly day, too. Why? Sugar. Sugar is delicious.

I've never really thought about the benefits of eating it on a chilly day before. I've never gone to, I've never gone, it's nice and chilly outside, let's get some ice cream. Oh, really? Because it's delicious? No, I mean, any day is fine. Look, the 101, in my opinion, is snow. Snow is my 101.

Do you want to know why it's your 101? It's on my list. I have fresh snow. Oh, mine's old and musty. Probably yellow. Goodness gracious. Why is it number one? How long has that snow been there?

Like two weeks? It's number one to you because we live in Arizona. I think snow is a nightmare for a lot of people around the country. I'm not saying snow doesn't have its side effects, but let's be honest. So does ice cream. The point is that when snow's at its best, it's the leader in the clubhouse. Snow's beautiful. Snow's amazing to look at.

Falls from the sky. Ice clubhouse. Snow's beautiful. Snow's amazing to look at. Falls from the sky. Ice cream hasn't figured that out. Would you rather have a, just honest question, would you rather have a bowl of ice cream or a bowl of snow? I mean, just answer the question. Yeah, no, in that case, I'd go with the ice cream. But if I'm doing none. I rest my case.

Hold on, hold on. Is it hot or cold outside? So would you rather have a bowl of ice, of snow, if it's? Perhaps I have a beverage. If you want to lather yourself, I mean, you may want the snow. But look, snow is beautiful. It leads the team in being cold. And.

All right, Mike, you're up. You're up, Mike. You guys, look, there's some on my list, but you guys went in a very different direction. I'm going to start this draft off with a corpse. Oh, they are. Wow. Very, very cold.

You hope. Very cold. Well, not hope. If you touch the body and it's not cold, it is not a corpse. Well, if you leave it out in the sun, I mean, this is going to be a real problem for you, Mike. You don't want a hot corpse. I see corpse coming a mile away. If you leave ice cream out in the sun, it will no longer be cold either.

Ooh, hot ice cream. Figure that one out. That's fair. But I thought, I started it off. So you went out with cold. Cold dead? The phrase cold to the touch. Really? Was one of the first things that popped into my head. And so I stuck with it.

I'm just going to have a good time over here. Have a good time with your corpse. What's your second favorite cold thing? Outer space. Now that's a great pick. You want to talk about cold. You want to redeem corpse real quick. You choose outer space with your next pick. Powerhouse.

Okay, that is a great pick. It's not on my list. It's technically cold, right? Oh, it's freezing. It's the absence of heat. It's vacuum heat. Yes. If you were to go into space and- Cold is such a good pick.

With no protection- I pick cold. I think you die from the cold first. Oh, that's a great pick. Yeah. We're back, baby. Corpse in space. Space is outstanding.

What do we got? So the baseline temperature of outer space is 2.7 kelvins, a.k.a. minus 454 degrees Fahrenheit. That's incredible. I feel like if space is the absence of all heat, it shouldn't be minus 454. That should be zero. It should be whatever, like, no heat is.

It should be a base, like, number. The base number is, I think, zero degrees Kelvin because that's when- So it's slightly warmer? Well, at zero Kelvin, that means that molecules are not moving at all. All right, hotshot. Just drop some science to yourself, man. Just drop us some science, baby. All right, so you went with outer space.

That's a great pick. I'm going to come back here with air conditioning. It's on my list. Because if you're going to take, that's the 101 for you, Al? That's the 101. Yeah, you're going to come after my ice cream. I sure as heck am taking air conditioning away from you. And if you want to do a trade later, that's fine.

I, oh man, that's put me in a house with either air conditioning or a bowl of ice cream. Which one do you want to be in? I want to be in a air conditioning. Yeah, buddy. Um, man, that is, but you have to put it in a bowl to keep the comparison going. Nah, it's tough. I will make the trade. Would you like to do our first trade?

Whoa. Is this allowed? We got to go to the ruling party here. Can we make mid-draft trades? If both parties consent, I'll allow it. Okay. I want this pick, too. Okay.

Oh, no. Wait, you're asking for more? You don't get to leave the draft with more picks than me. I will do a one-for-one trade if you'd rather have ice cream than air conditioning. Look, let's build these teams, and at the end, we can decide if we want to do the trade. I think this is an offer that's right now on the board. It will not be. You're 100% right, Mike.

I will not allow this trade to go through later. It's now or never. No, I think I got a really standing ovation for air conditioning. I'm sticking with it. All right. Okay. That was definitely going to be my next pick. That's the thing that is nearer and dearer to my heart

than ice cream, but I thought it would get back to me. Because in Arizona, it is life. Yeah, but what do you want? Life? Otherwise you're a corpse. We should not be here. We shouldn't have done it, but thankfully they made air conditioning

and now we can stay. Alright. I got a lot of great things on my list here, but thankfully they made air conditioning, and now we can stay. All right. I got a lot of great things on my list here, but I'm going to go near and dear to my heart since I didn't with ice cream over air conditioner. Love cold air conditioner. Yeah. You know what else I love when it's cold? Cold pillow.

Okay. I mean, I'm flipping my pillow to get to the cold side at all times. You do a lot of flips oh i i flip probably 10 times a night really probably more than that you really yeah you flip the end do you flip it uh horizontal or uh long ways or yeah no it's just like a the short flip short flip you don't go big flip who would flip it the other way like one way is so easy to flip over the other is is like the other you're hitting your spouse in the face. You ever do the long flip though because you got the side of the pillow

where the pillowcase is kind of uncomfortable? Well, yeah, you got to make sure that that's all lined up. Okay. I totally get that. All right, so you do a little short. I average maybe one and a half. Now I'm just picturing like people cooking hot dogs with the with the long rotation instead of the short rotation you've got to go over the top that's right could get it even

even cut so cold pillow yes it's a good pet um and then i am going to take i'm going to take something where i mean i know this is uh this isn't always this isn't uh always a super popular thing, but right now it is. At least some parts of every year it is. It's got magic in it. Taking the North Pole. It's on my list. Because Santa's there and it's freezing. It's very cold up there.

That's a sneaky pick on your cold team. Yeah, it's on my list. I like it a lot. South Pole's getting the shaft. Oh, no one wants to go to the South Pole. Yeah. That's where it's really cold. Angry elves there.

There's penguins. Well, look, I'm going to take a little bit of a detour from your North Pole, and I'm going to go with things that are cold. I'm going with glaciers. I'm taking glaciers. I mean, look. Very cold. Snow's involved in the process, but these glaciers, they're big, they're beautiful.

Who doesn't want to go look at a glacier? I do want to go look at a glacier. Yeah, you bet you do. I've climbed on one. Really? Yeah. On my recent expedition over the summer, we went hiking on a glacier. And how was it?

It was spectacular. What temperature was it? The glacier itself. The glacier, very cold. And they was it? It was spectacular. What temperature was it? I mean- The glacier itself. The glacier, very cold. And they have- That's what I'm talking about. Cold as ice?

You could say that. And frequently melting, so you'll find streams, and you can get down there and you take a drink. Oh, you get the glacier water? Oh. Really? You drank the glacier water? It was so cold. I don't know how it was this cold.

It was ice. It was so cold. No, but know how it was this cold. It was so cold. No, but the water. You can get colder. This whole freezing thing is very interesting. Yes, you can have water that's under the freezing point. Yeah, you've got, because I see these people, they do the cold plunges. And they do it in 30 degrees, but then some people do it in negative degrees.

How do you, because of the salt, I guess? Yeah, I think usually. How do you get negative degree the salt, I guess? Yeah, I think usually. How do you get negative degree water? That's why the ocean doesn't freeze over. Man, we don't know science. I went with glaciers, Mike. You're up. Alright, with my first pick, I

don't care for this personally, but the word is so good. So I will be drafting gazpacho. Is that cold soup? You're done right. It's cold soup. Gazpacho. You drafted it for the word?

Yes, I did. I don't think there's a cold soup I would. Hey, there's fancy hoity-toity people out there drinking their cold soups. Wow, he went with gazpacho and a corpse. This draft is outstanding. What's grosser, a corpse or gazpacho? I think gazpacho's worse. That's a good question.

I mean, give me the corpse. You keep your gazpacho. No, I mean, if I'm going to... I can't think... What is a good cold soup? Doesn't exist. Hold on. We got to get to the bottom of this.

I mean, I'll eat some cereal. List of cold soups. Yeah, but cereal's not a soup. We've established that. yeah yeah so we got a chipotle gazpacho gross a green cucumber and mint come on okay the mint the mint on the cold maybe that's all right what about a chipotle red pepper i can't redeem this jason no there's but it's great it is a good word yes It's really a fun word to say. And I'm going to close out my draft with liquid nitrogen.

Ooh, fun. That's how you kill the Terminator. That's a good one. And they make ice cream with that. Liquid nitrogen sitting at about minus 300 or so. Is that where it's at? Oh, yeah. You touched that.

You're going to be in for a bad time. So wait, liquid nitrogen's at minus 300 and space is minus 450? So basically, from a perceptible standpoint, you might as well be spraying somebody with space? I guess. I'll verify it. That's pretty cold, man. Let's see, temperature of liquid nitrogen minus 320,

according to airproducts.co.uk. Oh, yeah. Thank you for the source. Wow. That's really cold. I'm going polar bears. I'm taking polar bears with my final pick. Are you sure they're cold?

I'm not sure. They got all that fur. Look, you don't get to sit here and tell me a polar bear isn't cold. You don't get to tell me that a penguin isn't cold. They're cold animals. The penguins are definitely cold because I see them shivering and they get in the group, but the polar bears are like, I'm going in the ocean. I need to cool off.

I'm very warm-blooded. Look, he's physically cold. He may be able to warm himself up. Oh, he's cold-blooded in that way. I'm taking a cold weather animal that's roaming. Look, it's a polar bear. You drafted gazppacho don't even talk to me i'm just saying i know for sure my gazpacho was cold i don't know if the polar bear is what if you heat up gazpacho then it's soup then you just have to call like bean soup yeah it's delicious uh all right uh let's go ahead and yeah al you're not you're not sending me a like a breaking news

button that the that the polar bear is maintaining a body temperature allowing it to live i'm not under the illusion it's a reptile living out there in the in the pole but it's a warm-blooded creature keeping its temperature at 37 Celsius, aka 98.6. Oh, my gosh. Not very cold. That's not very cold at all. 98 degrees? You ever tell...

That's very warm. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Jason, why don't you wrap this up? All right. I've got quite a few that I really like, but I'm going to go with one that you can have a lot of fun with. Also, something you don't want to touch because it's very very cold okay but if you want to get some bubbly water

you want to get some smoke you want to keep something cold when you ship it far distances i'm taking dry ice don't touch with bare hands yes dry ice yeah it's very fun you put it in the water and you have a little seance yeah i i get the house chill fired up the next time the next time al is out roaming you know in the middle of like a cold winter and he goes i'm cold i'm gonna remind him he's currently running 98.7 that's what i'm gonna remind him you're not cold you're not cold you're running 98.7 all right so uh some other final considerations i i couldn't help but when i was thinking of a beverage that would be cold, I couldn't help but put iced tea at the top of the list,

even though a soda is in that category. I also threw hockey into the mix. I thought about putting hockey on there. I have ice rink. I'm surprised you didn't draft a fridge, Jason. Oh, is that a fat joke? No. I love a fridge.

It's just like food. I had freeze on there. I had caves. Oh, that's a good one. That's a very good one. I was going to go a little bit more left field and just go with mint because it's not actually cold, but it's cool. But it is. You associate it with cold.

And I had already taken- 98.7 degrees. I had already taken Corpse, so I didn't want to take this one, but I thought I was going to go with Walt Disney's Head. Oh, yeah. Very, very cold right now. Very. It's a different pick. It's a sleeper pick.

My wife will be sad that I did not take Pebble Ice. She loves the chewy soft ice. Just Pebble Ice, not other ice. I wish that your list was just ice fill-in-blank for every single one of your picks. Ice cream, pebble ice, ice rink, dry ice, icicle. Dry ice is a great pick. Really outside the box. Not one of my favorite cold things.

I had milk. No one wants warm milk. No, that's great. You want cold milk. That's a bad milk. No, that's great. You want cold milk? That's a bad choice. Pizza? I love cold pizza. I got out of that once I became a man.

Oh, man. Don't hear what I'm not saying. I love hot pizza. As a kid, I was in on the cold pizza. I love hot pizza, but when you just grab a slice straight out of the fridge and put it straight into the mouth- Are you into that, Mike? I've never been able to do it.

So good. As a kid, I was into it. I get it. I hear the popularity and- My kids are into it. I've attempted. able to do it so good as a kid I get it I hear the popularity and my kids are into it I've I've attempted Jason never outgrew it and I thought why am I never have never will yeah um well it's just so much quicker that's it's really for speed you're like oh pizza that looks good I don't think a spacho came about immediately some guy didn't want to reheat a soup and decided to name it a cool name. They didn't pay the gas bill this year.

And I had ice cream. What do you have for dinner? Gazpacho? That looks like cold tomato soup. No, it's gazpacho. Yeah, it's way fancier. What did you have, another one, Jay? Yeah, I was going to say I couldn't take this because I had ice cream,

but a popsicle, very popular cold treat. Snowballs. Oh, snowballs would be fun. Snowman. Snow angels. Woolly mammoths. Once again, Andy, 98 degrees. What did we learn today?

Well, the L.L. Bean situation. I had no idea where that began. No. Know your history, kids history kids yeah you're welcome i i knew it was cold but i never realized that that uh space is minus 450 degrees and that's very cold i realized that we could have free fuel forever in stupidity just thanks to social media. Ain't that the truth. I thought about an insult too, like a cold-blooded insult.

Mm-hmm. Oh, that's nice. That was Martin Mike's corpse category. A murder. Get there. Hey, tell your friends about the podcast, everybody. We'll see you next time.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.