Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 223: The Poop Boot & Things That Make You Nervous - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

Happy New Year Spitwads! We’re back with some new content today AND the return of Liar, Liar! Can the guys get back-to-back wins? We also talk about horizontal buttcracks and selling our teeth. We wrap things up with a draft of ‘Things That Make You Nervous’. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Skitty baby, boop bop, diggity boom, bum, ba-ding, ding. Oh, man! Oh, no! That was so good That was one of the best It's all organic I just didn't want to end it the same way other scats end And maybe that's the problem

It was incredible And then you got in a fender bender Right at the end That's okay It was like a gentle one at a stop sign. You were moving along really well. Yeah. It was over.

It just ended. Yeah, well, you know, welcome in. Welcome back. Spitballers Podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason. Another episode of the award-winning show. Here we are. Al is here.

The judge as well. We've got liar, liar on the show today. Yeah, we do. And we don't really know what's going to happen because it's taken months, I think, for Al to recover from his defeat. If you look at the... We like numbers. We like data. We like information. If you look at the historical numbers

in the most recent Liar Liar, we are undefeated. Honestly, the last several weeks of recording, we have not lost once. That's true. It's taken him a lot of time. And I'll just check in on you mental health wise.

Are you at a point where you even want to move forward with Liar Liar or is this over? Oh, I'm good, man. Oh, he thinks he's got this on lockdown because he's changing rules. He's got X Games mode coming up. Yeah. And I'm guessing these rules, they have to do with this whole we can work together at some point strategy.

I don't know. But we have Liar Liar today, so that's something to look forward to. We have Would You Rather. And we are drafting things that make you nervous. Things that make you nervous. So that should be pretty fun. As I was thinking through ideas right before the show i was laughing to myself a little bit because there are i think there are a lot of things that are

common to everybody but then there are some that are maybe more personal personal yeah or you know different people different things so and it's it's incredible when you start thinking about it there's a lot of small like just really insignificant things that make you tilt your face off when it happens and you're like it look i'm a grown man like i'm nearly 40 years some of us on the show are already 40 and some of them are not gonna name nate old people because because we're all about to be there. But there's still things that make me have a full anxiety attack that should not happen to a grown human of any kind. Yeah, it's funny how that works.

If you're nervous about something for enough years, that just becomes something you're always... And there are some things you grow out of that you used to be nervous about. Please let me know. Like, I used to be a really nervous driver. Really? Because I got into, like, an accident. Okay.

And then from that point on, it was just a different level of anxiety for many years. I remember my first drive with my license. How fast were you going? Oh, speed limit uh the progression i'm on if i was my driving full bell curve of like when i got my license i was by the book eventually i got a little too comfortable with the book thrown at you with my driving abilities speeds reached a limit that they should definitely not have been and i've calmed down but i remember that my first i remember my first drive where my parents were not in the

car and i'm talking out loud to myself like a crazy person just just like it's we're good we're good mike and i'm referring to myself in the third person like Like, it's okay. We can do this. We're perfectly fine. And then I'm like, don't do that. Don't do that. Like talking to other people on the road. It was very eventful. Like I can tell you the exact route that I drove. Oh, yes.

And it's funny. I didn't even know Mike had a speed phase. Oh, yeah. I would have imagined Mike was always a speed limit guy. Ever since I've known you, you've been a speed limit guy. Yeah. Then the man, sometimes the man catches you going a little too fast. Okay.

And you pay that bill and you go, oh. I've got to be a speed limit man. That's not worth the extra couple seconds of time. All right. Let's get into it. The extra couple seconds of time. All right. Let's get into it.

Would you rather. All right. We are into would you. We're into would you rather. Okay. Haven from the website. Would you rather have your butt crack be. Oh, you've already got it, Andy.

Oh, it's just a funny premise. Would you rather have your butt crack be horizontal? That's a mouth. Or have your mouth be vertical? It's your butt mouth. What? So you got to flip it. You got a butt mouth and a mouth crack. You got to choose between having a vertical mouth.

Major problems here. I mean, the vertical mouth, you would. So it opens. There's huge problems. It opens sideways. Huge problems because of gravity. And I see Al. Gravity is the problem?

No, it is the problem. Al is over there, and he was pretending to have a vertical mouth just now. And no, gravity. Listen to me. Stay with me on this. Gravity is the problem. Is it? Yes. Because food organically goes on a fork and you insert it into your

mouth and it's oriented to the way you chew. You chew and your teeth are in a motion that works with gravity. When you are sideways, imagine right now you turn your mouth sideways. When the food gets put into your mouth, it goes into your cheek. There aren't teeth. I mean, there's like kind of teeth there.

Right. But there's no tongue. Your tongue is on the side. Your tongue is useless. If you have a vertical mouth, where? It's just getting turned sideways. Yeah, you're just doing a 90-degree turn. Which side is it on? Oh, that's a good mouth where it's just getting turned sideways which side is it on oh that's a good question it's like lefties and righties it depends on okay

you're just somewhere left hand and somewhere right when you're born you look in the mouth and they go oh he's a lefty now you know what you would his tongue's on the left probably have to do here when you're eating is turn your head you would probably you would probably just lay down hey now maybe this is an advantage. Maybe there's an advantage because I can lay down to eat. Like right now, the three of us cannot lay down and eat very comfortably. Oh, that is a perfect example. If you lay down sideways on a couch and you try to eat a bowl of cereal, good luck.

Right, exactly. You try to eat a bowl of cereal, lay down on the couch, doesn't work. However, move to a side mouth and all of a sudden you can lay down and eat. Has this been a problem for you guys? No, it's just. If only I could eat cereal laying down on the couch. It wouldn't be bad. I can't find one possible explanation as to why I'd want my butt crack to be horizontal.

I can't imagine. There's no advantages to the vertical crack i i disagree for two reasons one is the shape of our toilets the shape would it really matter well to me like i when i go on you're still like your center is going to be centered the center will be centered inside of that crack my friend but i But I hate, I absolutely hate going to the old grandma's toilet that's a small little round toilet. We have one of those. The kid toilet. Right, right, right.

Well, that's now every toilet with a horizontal. Because you're going long ways butt crack across the short ways toilet seat. So you're going to feel like it's a small toilet. Every single time. It's not nearly as big a deal as eating sideways. I'm just trying to say you're finding a way deals, but there's actually positives here. I imagine if it's,

hold on for a second. I imagine if it's sideways, cause let's be honest and this is getting, I don't want to get too biological here. Um, but like what is, what is coming out? Poop. Yeah.

We can say poop. Yes, poop is coming out. And it is, again, gravity playing a role in the equation. Yes. Now, right now, because of the orientation of the crack, you have it falling away from you. Whereas if you just turned it sideways there would be a ledge there potentially okay oh you got where you would have a smooch a smoochie ledge smoochie i was gonna say a cheek lip a cheek lip is a better way to put it i kind of lean back

so yeah you know and and some people other some people have more of a lip than others. Right. They got that badonkadonk junk in the trunk. So I imagine those people, you could have a trap situation. Oh, no. What if you thought you went and you would just put it in the trap? You have a ghost poo and you're looking down and you can't find it? It's not in there.

And then you just saddle back up to get the pants on? And you feel it. And you smoochie. I cannot imagine that we're back the show is back baby let's be honest here the real issue is not gravity or smooch poops the real issue here is one is not covered like one is on my face and the other is the only people that are going to see my horizontal butt crack. I was like, how is your horizontal butt not covered? That's all I was thinking. I want to remove that, though.

Let's just say everyone goes, that's humans. So it's for all people. Yeah, humanity now has vertical mouths. Okay. All right. for all people yeah this humanity now has vertical mouth okay all right well now we're now that makes this question actually debatable because if you you know whatever i i can hide my horizontal butt cheeks and do cool party tricks for those who can see it uh but if everybody has a horizontal mouth if everybody has a horizontal mouth then i think this is such a good question i'm not ashamed

oh yes a vertical mouth everyone we all have horizontal mouths but i'm not ashamed of my vertical mouth right if everyone has it and now you're trying to fit in hey guys turning sideways so now you're i get like when i was thinking about, like if your mouth is vertical, I was thinking of it as you still have an up and down chomping motion. It just opens up. Mike, that's nonsense. I apologize. What a silly thought.

That's my bad, guys. All right. Man, that does beg another obvious question, which is if you could move your digestive tract to another part of your body, would there be a convenience factor there? Like if you were to- Not following. Yeah, the digestion or the exiting? The exiting. Okay.

The exiting, like through the tip of the pinky. Right. Or the elbow. Or like your heel. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Is that what you do? Oh, and then it would just be built into the ground and you just put the foot out? Yeah.

Because you'd have a special boot that you'd be able to use. Oh, it's kind of like a trapdoor boot? It's the poop boot. And you just put your foot in there. And then, like, you can have a... Yeah, there's a show title for you. The poop boot has just appeared. I mean, assuming there wasn't like a pain problem

would you not have i mean that doesn't hurt sitting on it because the trap is closed honestly you would acting it's you could have uh just completely like bathrooms wouldn't even need to be private right because you just know there's no butt involved you'll never know everybody just opens their poop but that would be but that would become your private place oh because you know what i mean if everybody's pooping from their foot they'd be like don't you can't see my foot oh it'd be a private thing that would be my private i'm scared of the rest of this conversation i think i might need to ask another question um my my last uh thought on getting back to the horizontal mouth is how small would our mouths be?

Because right now, I feel like there's a lot more room for a wide mouth. But you can't go from chin to nose. No, you could. That'd work. No, I know. But I'm saying that's smaller than I think most people's mouth. No. You don't think so?

I can't see your chin. Yeah, I got a beard covering up my neck. So maybe you're right. I just don't know how strong your chin is um i just measured and andy's right this this would not be a problem we could just measure we could do we could pull off the vertical mouth and for that reason um I'm going to choose the horizontal butt cheeks. All right. Stu from Twitter. Would you rather personally perform really well on a losing team or really bad on a winning team? Oh, man.

You know, this is a crazy question to come up today because I was driving into work listening to sports radio and a hockey player that was facing our home team had a hat trick, which is three goals in a game. And for some reason that made me think about playing in our flag football leagues and the way you would feel when you had a special game. And, you know, win or lose, you kind of have a sense of personal satisfaction. If you go out there and perform well or play well or have good numbers good stats so there is a pride that comes from just

going out and doing your best saying it's not my fault sure i mean i don't know if that's the headline but the headline is i did my part um yeah they didn't but the team right so it's not your fault not your fault you played pretty pretty well this is really well be clear, 100% of all athletes in every locker room in the world will tell you their personal stats don't matter and the team matters the most. Yeah, there's a lot of liars. And yet you know that, you know, which one would you be? Which would you prefer? I mean, this is performing bad on a winning team.

This is like, I didn't help at all. Yeah, it's not average. It's not saying, would you rather be bad on a winning team this is like I didn't help at all yeah it's not average it's not saying would you rather be part of a winning team or dominate on a losing team so you're not a bench warmer you're playing and you are playing bad which means your teammates are really good because they're they're making up for a lot of your slack I am gonna go with the performing well on a losing team. I appreciate that honesty. And that's not because I don't want to win, but that's because I'm not winning. That's why.

I'm not winning. If I'm the bad player on the winning team, I'm not winning. After enough of those games, I know that I'm useless. So that would be feeling like. I don't know if i appreciate that level of honesty oh okay that was so honest that you feel like you you're not winning if your team isn't your team is winning and you're not playing well might as well be a fan you're not winning but winning teams go to the post season which means more games ka--ching. Means you make more money.

I mean, I know that I know that those players that are on the end of the bench that get the rings in basketball are champions. Yes. But we know they're not. Well, we know they're not. But they think they are. They get the ring. But then later on in life when you're like, I'm a three-time champion. How many

minutes did you play? None. how much do you need to participate then for you to move in from from us as the the the judgy judgerson public saying well your ring is invalid except they were at they're at practice they're at practice they are yeah they are a part of the team helping the team to improve and get better, but they may not just be good enough compared to the other people on their team, especially if you're thinking basketball. There's a few guys on basketball that just don't get into the game, but they are an important part of the team.

Yeah, they deserve a ring. Okay. But they didn't actively perform bad, which is what the question says. That is true. You're saying they're helping. So Mike brought up you can make more money getting to the playoffs. Yeah, that's just not right. Your team's doing well.

I'm trying to go through it all. Absolutely. And the financial side. But I think the financial side is better to be a dominant player on a losing team. To stick with basketball, there are plenty of superstar players on bad teams. Well, if you want to go that route, fine. I mean, being a superstar player on a bad team, you know, I think that's the way I'm going to go.

I'm going to go with Andy. We're going to have some bad teams. Yeah, but we're going to be legends. And I'm going to be competing as to who's scoring more, me or you. Mike, final answer? You got to be good. Yeah, yeah. Lily.

I got to be able to look at myself in the mirror. I know it. Lily from Patreon. Would you rather get $100 per fart for life or $300,000 per tooth you remove. Oh, what? I remove? Yeah, what's the story there? Is this just getting it out?

Yeah, you could have a dentist pull it for you. Well, how much does that cost? But the caveat, it says you are unable to replace the removed tooth, and only the front eight teeth are eligible. Four on top and four on bottom. So my good teeth. Yep. The cosmetic teeth.

But you can't replace them. Correct. Oh, you're opening up a whole other world of me choosing the fart one. I mean, maybe. The truth is I'm not taking all eight out at 300k a pop. Are you even taking one out? I think that's a ton of money. I think it'll become a thing if you do taking one out i look that's a i think that's a ton of money i think it's it's

it'll become a thing if you do that one that'll become how retired people end up retiring they end up going all right it's time to retire pluck pluck pluck pluck right okay you've got some years taken care of some people they retire early so they get they gotta have all six or eight of them i mean that is really the first question on its own is just, would you take $300,000 to have a missing front eight tooth? Like one of your main visible teeth. So that's what your incisors? Is that what we're?

Oh, right now. No, they're not. I mean, they're not. What are they? I mean, they're your front teeth and your incisors. They're not your bicuspids. No, they're your front eight teeth. That'sors. They're not your bicuspids. No, they're your front eight teeth. That's how my dentist is.

We got to look this up. I'll give you a bottom tooth right now for 300 grand. Here's the thing. Yeah, some people talk and their bottom teeth aren't even seen. Well, if I lose a bottom tooth, you're never seeing my bottom teeth again. You know what I mean? I will talk in a different way or smile in a different way. You can't do that. where oh absolutely i can't incisors your four front teeth on the top of the bottom thank great job

those are your incisors if you knew it just say it man don't question it but at that point if you lose one of those you got to lose all four bottoms if you lose all four but because i'm not showing you my bottom teeth you know i mean I mean? Like I'm okay. As soon as I've lost one, I'm going to be embarrassed and shy and try to hide it. And honestly, the, them having other teeth nearby might highlight the missing gap.

Hit the camera with a smile right now. Jay, I just want to, okay. Your bottoms can go. Oh, that's right. Oh,

yes. That's a a 1.2 million dollar 1.2 million dollars to get rid of my bottom four teeth or five thousand dollars a day yeah yes okay we need to get back to the tootin that you can make some serious cash i can make some serious cash. I can make some serious cash. I mean, what do I need more than $5,000 a day? Do I need more than five grand? You might. Are you hitting five grand a day? Oh, I'm hitting five grand a day, brother. You're hitting 50.

Wait, that's 500. Is that 50 farts? That's 50 farts a day. Oh, he's probably hitting 50. I'm hitting 50 farts easy. That's so many farts. Easy. No, I'm not making that kind of money.

I'm making like 300, 400 bucks a day. Now, can you, you know, I don't know how the rules work here but once you got this contract signed you know sometimes you can turn like when you got a big fart you turn that into 10 little farts you know what i mean like hey that's a new one i pitched that off like if you're running oh yeah when you're doing the walk farts, those are the best walk farts. Each step gets you a little bit more out. What is the duration in between blasts that counts as a new tooth? Contract's signed.

It's going to be in the contract. It will be fine print. If the trap door closes, it's a new fart. There we go, baby. When the trap door closes, it's a new fart. There we go, baby. If I can, I picture Jason getting home from the, you know, grocery store, six pack after six pack after six pack of A&W root beer. I mean, he is chugging that stuff, making his money, doing your part for your family.

I will eat so many beans. But then, like, if you rip, like, just a triumphant note, like, people are going to be shouting that you're wasting money. Yeah, I will be disappointed in myself at that point. I'll be like, oh, whoops. $5,000 a day. But I mean, think about that. Think about $5,000 a day, which is very reasonable.

What's the math? 240 days is all it takes to get to $1.2 million. And I got all my teeth. For Toots McGillicuddy over here. For the regular person. It's going to take some time. Yeah, if you're going like what? 300?

How many farts per day do you emit? My dear friend. The average human passes gas between 13 and 21 times per day. So 1,300? That's three years to get to that amount of money okay that's easy yeah so that's probably the way to go yeah that's the way to go we haven't even factored in the teeth are worth a million dollars each now we no no no no no there's there unless you're talking billions unless you are giving me money that i can buy a ball team with I don't need more it's a one one done

yeah I mean I'm just saying there's no amount that I would take losing my teeth versus this free money from farting because think about the amount I mean because of what you need $1,300 a day and that's only 13 farts which is pretty. If that's all you can fart a day, $1,300 a day is... That's just breakfast time. It's basically infinite money. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I mean, unless I'm trying to buy a yacht, you know, I'll save up for a while, but just

normal living. Don't save up. Right, yeah. You got to let them go. But yeah, I don't know how you could ever... This is this episode. ...have me remove my teeth. And we didn't even talk about the actual process of getting your tooth yanked out of your skull.

I just am curious about that general question. Like, if it's a million dollars and you have the opportunity today. Like right now, let's put Al and the three of us in this situation. Okay. You are... The tooth's off this situation. Okay. You are... The toots are off the table. The toots are off the table. This is a totally separate dilemma.

Right. The doorbell for our office rings. At the front is a well-to-do dentist. I like him. And he's got his bag. And he walks in and he says... But is he just like... Just chomping his clamps?

No, no, no. He's like... No, he looks like, just chomping his clamps? No, no, no. So he's like, ching, ching, ching. No, he looks like an upstanding... Open wide. ...tooth purchaser. And he says, I will give you... Anyone coming in saying they're a tooth purchaser is an evil scientist. Regardless, he says right now, he goes, I will give...

He says, I will give you... You have one chance. I will give you a million dollars for any of those incisors. So you got eight teeth to choose from. The offer is now and you do it right now. What are you doing? How many teeth do you have left at the end of the day? He walks in.

He says a million of tooth. You can sell me up to eight of your teeth. How many teeth do you end up going home with? You can't replace them. You can't replace them. All right. The top. Oh, man. That's so much money. It's a million a tooth. Al, how he's eight. Are you

eight? No, I'm not eight. How many are you? Four. Six? Are you going just the top two or left? No, he's going for his four bottoms. I think I'm going four bottoms. Four million dollars. The only right answer here. I think I'm going four bottoms. I think four million dollars. The only right answer here. I think I'm at four bottoms. It's either four or zero.

The tops are off the limits. Yes, the tops are off the limits. It's four or none. That's the right answer. Now, let me just put a little twist on that question. Man comes in. He says, I will give you

five million dollars per tooth only one of you gets it only one of you can claim this uh-huh got it yeah wait i don't get it i'm saying the first person of the three of us will take Owl out of this. The three of us. To sell just one tooth? To sell one tooth. He gets it. So you might think, I don't want to do that.

But if Mike grabs it, you're going to be like, oh, no. He's got $5 million for just a tooth. I don't care about the bottoms. We'd all sell the bottoms. The real question is, if he walked in right now and said, I'll give you $2 million a tooth, and he only wants to buy your top four. That's the real question. Get out.

Would you sell? Because I think you've got four. I'll give him one. You'll give him one. For $2 million. That's what I would do. I'd give him one. I don't know.

No. I think I'd give him one. And then when someone says, what the heck happened to you? I'd say, I'm rich. Yeah. And I upped it. It's $2 million a tooth. Top four tooth top four no not on the tops not on the top no way those are worth two million dollars you better uh work on your closed lip smile well what's crazy is you're never smiling in your picture again you'll never smile in your picture well you will yeah closed lip but your functions

will be fine you'll be fine with that one too yeah for eating so this is a hundred percent appearance yes yes so judgment yes yes we are vain it's not just it's not just two million dollars versus vanity yeah oh yeah and i know it is when you say it like that because it's worse it is it is but then reverse it you have a missing front tooth would you pay two million dollars to get replaced and there's no way no way you wouldn't no way would you pay two million to that's just your lot in life this is why oh we're that's where that question was really interesting to me because it's like. But the difference here is you don't have $2 million. Like, yeah, I mean, if you're telling me I have $10 million and it costs me $2 million

to put that tooth back, sure, then I might do it. No, you wouldn't. If I had a billion dollars, I'd pay 20% of your cash. You're not doing it. Oh, man, we're silly people. Yeah, that's funny. Do we have time for another one or do you want to move on? Maybe we're silly people yeah yeah that's funny uh do we have time for another one or you want to move on maybe we move on yeah let's move on liar liar pants on fire oh boy new rules edition all right boys here's the deal. Okay. I took some time.

I talked to the spitwads. They reminded me, Al, you're 19 and 1. And part of the fun of this segment is hearing you guys discuss these. I wanted to make it in a way where you couldn't discuss them and team up against me, but I think that would take the fun out of the segment.

So we're not changing the rules. A man of honor. Okay. A man of honor. Okay. A man of honor. So we have a chance at a hot streak? You do. I cannot wait. Oh, wow. No rule change.

So that's official. We're not changing any rules? That's official. Wow. Okay. Wow, that was a big set. So I've been worried this whole time. Things that make you nervous.

Sounds like we're going to go 2-0 then. I believe you mean 2-19. Based on the historical stats that we obviously forget, except for the most recent one, I think it'll be tough. Are those top three there my three to go with for our first one? Yes, sir.

We've got a formatting problem here. No, that's fine. That's why I was just talking, letting them do it. Alright, we're into Liar Liar. We're on a winning streak. Guys, letting him do it. All right. We're in the Liar Liar. We're on a winning streak. Guys, let's do this. I bet he spent some time on these lies. He's never worked harder on this segment. All right.

Statement number one. The second most expensive animal ever purchased was a rare lobster bought to be served as a meal to Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. The guy's named Salmon? For his 37th birthday. I didn't catch that, but okay. The lobster cost $2.2 million and ended up giving the prince food poisoning. That's truth or lie number one. Okay, so just real quick.

Most expensive was seafood to Prince Salmon, and he got sick from it. Okay, got it. The world loves that. Number two, the mushrooms in Mario games are based on a real species called the Amanita muscaria that, when eaten, make people feel like they're growing. That's a good maybe lie.

And the third one. No. Autosomal, dominant, compelling, heliopathelmic outburst syndrome, or achoo syndrome, is characterized by uncontrollable sneezing in response to the sudden exposure of bright light or sunlight. So hold up. The achoo. Okay. The achoo.

That makes no sense to combine. Unless there's a band of scientists. And there are. That began the achoo. Like, that's not like buzz, right? That began the achoo. This is a band of scientists who are in a comedy improv troupe. Yes. And they have decided. That's what I'm saying.

That's ridiculous. I mean, achoo is one of those, what do you call it when the sound. Onomatopoeia. Onomatopoeia, like buzz or whatever, right? Mm-hmm. But I don't know on this one but i feel like i feel like a lot of times people start with the acronym they want and then they work backwards this is horse garbage that one is my lie and i'm locking it in all All right. I feel confident that the makers of the Mario game did not do enough research on the mushroom

and say, oh, the reason we're putting this in the game is because it's in honor of this real life mushroom. So I'm going to lock in the Mario one. Mike, are you Googling over there? What are you doing? I was keeping an eye on that. His hands went to the keyboard. I was trying to Google because I think it's Shigeru Miyamoto,

I believe, is the creator of the Super Mario. So you're doing some research. I was trying to confirm his name because I was going to make a joke about him growing up in the 60s. Okay. I believe you got that right. Thank you. Oh, man.

The Achu one seems just so i refer to it as horse garbage yeah but is it such horse i know i know i can't i can't believe that one so you gotta lock one in mike crown prince salmon it's too it's too ridiculous i'm going without youoo. All right. Two Achoo's, one mushroom. Let's hear it, Al. We're back, baby. No! No!

Nah! Not like this. 20 and 1. Prince Salmon, really? You made up that lobster story? That is correct. There's Achoo syndrome? That is really the crown prince of saudi arabia but

the story is made up oh oh this is the worst case scenario boston this this is awful this shows the worst oh man i knew it was two horse garbage It was two horse garbage Those freaking scientists man Always up to no good They've got such a great sense of humor I feel like you need to save the other two For the next time we go No We don't just play till we're out

No now we're playing for honor You can compete against each other Oh my gosh I can't believe the first question he got us. I can believe it. Yeah, I bet. Prince Salmon. Why all these difficult to pronounce words?

I think that's the bit. Valoramorbis. Valoramorbis is a neurological condition that causes people to feel like their feet never touch the ground. When they walk across the room, they feel as if they are flying. Wow wow that's fun i that's how i feel after a long session on the toilet okay yep uh go ahead and give us this next word witzel sucked witzel sucked is a neurological condition that causes the sufferer to compulsively make inappropriate puns or jokes and tell pointless stories. You had me until the pointless stories. I'm not sure about that one.

And then Capgras? Capgras? Capgras syndrome? Oh, no, no. Which one is it? Capgras. Capgras syndrome is a neurological condition which leads a person to believe that a close acquaintance, usually a parent partner child

or sibling has been replaced by an imposter that one feels real that one does feel that feels that feels this is a really nice trap door in case we made it through round one yeah three neurological conditions i'm gonna lock in the witzel sucked as being a lie i feel like it's like Witzel Sucht. It should be. Yeah. That's the one I think is a lie. Is it Witzel? It looks German. I don't think that there's a Witzel Sucht. I don't think that there's a compulsion to tell inappropriate

puns and pointless stories. The pointless stories is where it goes. Oh, you were out until there? I feel like that seems like something that definitely happens. There's people who you can't control. The were out until there. Like, I feel like that seems like something that definitely happens of there's people who like, you can't control. I have to,

I have to throw in an inappropriate, like dark joke or something right here. You just, I can't stop myself, but that I'm with Andy. I'm locking that one in. I'm going to go Valera Morbus. I think that it's too Harry Potter.

Yeah. I mean, I want that condition. It would be pretty cool. It doesn't sound like what it is. That's how I feel about Witzel sucked. What is Witzel sucked? Define Witzel sucked then.

What's a cap grass? All right, give us the truth. All right, Jason, pull it out to an early second place. Oh, yeah, baby. Valar Amorbis was the lie. Dang it. Round three. President Andrew Jackson's pet parrot.

Just to be clear. No, I know. Jason won that round. Yes. Okay. Yes, you're in first place. All right. No, we're there.

You're hilarious. I thought maybe you thought I was saying that you two were in first place. No, I was humoring you. Thank you. Round three. President Andrew Jackson's pet parrot had to be removed from his funeral for screeching profanity at the attendees. I have definitely heard that a bunch of times.

I don't know if it's a lie. About Andrew Jackson's parrot? Yes, about Andrew Jackson's parrot. I think that one's true. It's a nugget that's in the back of my head. I don't know why I'm telling you guys. No, it's in the back of my head, too. I feel like I've heard it.

In 2016, KFC released edible nail polish. It was offered in hot and spicy and original flavors. Oh man. I, that sounds like not putting it past them. Wow. Why?

Home of the double down. And the third one here, a French art collector once paid over $50,000 at an art auction for an invisible painting. He claims it is on display in his house but will not disclose which wall it is on for the fear of theft. People are so

dumb. That has to be real because art people do the stupidest things. I think the KFC one's the lie. French. That's my final answer i really wanted to go with the president andrew jackson simply because the lie was the first one in round one and in round two and i feel like he would say like oh they would never think i would put the the lie in all three spots but you guys saying that you've heard i'm gonna i'm gonna go

with that i'm to go with that. I'm going to go with that. I'm going to say that Andrew Jackson's pet parrot didn't do it at the funeral. All right. The lie was the French art collector. Sweet. That's the one I pick. Yeah, you didn't let Mike make his choice.

Oh, man. Dang it. I apologize. I thought he locked it. Life is meaningless right now anyways after that first round. That means we tied for second, Mike. Hey, all right. Sorry, Andy. Good, I did it. Great means we tied for second, Mike. Hey, all right. Sorry, Andy.

I did it. Great job. Boom shakalaka. Oh, boy. Let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. I was thinking to myself, Mike hasn't said anything. Yeah.

I was pretty sure you hadn't locked in. But then you didn't kind of put up a fight at all. Because I just got second place. Look, if you're quiet and you bide your time. Sometimes it works out. All right. We are drafting things that make you nervous. Things that make you nervous.

A million choices out there. With the first pick pick i have to go with what i think is a common one it is certainly the one that i notice the most and try to avoid but it is certainly heights heights in general up the top of a ladder um if i am uh goodness if you're at a canyon tourism type of thing like heights in general they make me very nervous and it's it's grown with age it's not gone the other way as a kid i was not afraid of heights yeah i i had on my list being on a tall extended ladder like yeah not no not necessarily a broad washing of all heights but but those things, when I'm in those positions on, like, not an A-frame ladder, but, like, the extent.

Yeah, the shaky. Oh, man. I can't. I just, I can't do it, man. I don't trust the device or myself. Yeah, it's just a height in and of itself is just a really common fear, and it certainly makes me nervous when i think about having to yeah a regular ladder i'm good but you get to you get to a 12 foot ladder or an extension ladder there's a problem yep it's a good one uh so for my first selection things that make me nervous

looking at jason what makes jason nervous and i'm gonna go uh i mean speaking of speeding i'm going when the police are driving behind you that is my that's my 101 because it is the worst isn't that so weird how you know yes you're just you're there's nothing that's going to happen to you, and yet you're nervous. You have that one. Well, it's like, I mean, I haven't done anything. I don't think I'm going to get pulled over. You still think there's some reason you could get pulled over. Oh, absolutely.

100%. And then you have times where- There are my tags right now. Where it's like, you're on a freeway, and I'm in the carpool lane going literally the speed limit. And then I overtake a cop who's going slower than that. And you're like, what are the rules here? Because I'm not speeding. I will not go faster than a cop if I'm near him.

Nobody does. Yeah. And they know. They control the road. They know what they're doing when they're going 63 in the 65. If I'm driving on a freeway and I'm going three or four miles over speed limit, it's totally, totally normal, not worried at all. I'm in the margin.

I'm going with the flow of traffic. And as you're going, all of a sudden, off to the side, you see one. You see him out there ready to get someone i am in full freak out mode i'm like i wasn't speeding but i mean you're just living in that rear view mirror now like is he pulling out is he pulling out is he better not show my brake lights because you know i'm obviously admitting that i'm going to guilt yeah i mean yeah that's a good one police driving behind behind you. I once saw that the greatest driving safety device is a rearview mirror with police in it. Just like a sticker or something?

Yeah, that's what you need to do, man. Just put a sticker on that rearview mirror, and every time you look, you think there's a police officer behind you. You drive perfect. That's funny. You also, anxiety ages you for 20 plus years. 20 plus years yes all right Jason what makes you nervous you've got two picks okay in a row well that was certainly going to be uh one of them make you nervous uh that doesn't make me nervous honestly I could say that my first two picks were going to be being on a tall extended ladder and police officers on the road. Wow. Well done, gentlemen. I'm going to go my first one here.

Any kind of it's not just this. It's really body wide, but just for the purpose of having specificity. Chest pain. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Is this a heart attack?

Yeah. Yes. Oh, my. Yeah. My fingers twitching. It's really it's really just any body thing. Is this a stroke? Yeah, like as we get older, like, this is fine.

This is fine, right? It's not a, it's fine. I loved being at an age when you could eliminate them due to age. Yeah. There was no chance that it could be X, Y, or Z. And now. When I take a deep breath, it kind of hurts. Am I?

Yeah. Do I have a rib out? Yeah. Or am I. Dying. Do I need to go to the hospital right now? Yeah, that's... That's going to get better with age.

That's nerve-wracking whenever the body is not doing what it should. And then... I got a large list here, and they're all about the same to me. I'm going to go with one that I have not necessarily... I have not personally experienced to the level... I've experienced it in very minor ways. But I've seen it. I've watched it. I'm always freaked out by it.

I can see a situation in the future where I do experience it. I will be beyond freaked out about it. But it's basically swimming in the ocean okay like if you're swimming in a off a boat in the ocean there's you know what it's like there's i have big shorts and stuff out there like i can't i don't think i could i don't think like if i was out in a boat in the ocean i don't think I could jump in the water. Just jump in. Yeah, out there.

Not on the beach. No, no, no. Not in the tide. Exactly. Just swimming out in the ocean. You want to know how I described that? It was the second thing I wrote down. Big open water.

Yeah. When you don't know what's under you, and it's dark and deep, that is terrifying. You have no idea. You could be jumping on a shark. So the idea of swimming in the ocean makes you nervous. Yes. Okay. That would make me nervous as well. Being a taller fella, there are rarely pools where you can be full on just kicking your legs without any kind of crouched position.

I mean, like when I'm in a pool, I'm always crap. My, my feet are always pulled up at least a little bit because otherwise you're going to kick the bottom of the pool. And it's the same in mostly in the beach situation because you know, you know, there's rocks and coral and all these things that are going to be cut you up when you get into the water where you can just fully kick and you look down and you're making me nervous and you don't know how far down the ground is and like you can hold your breath and try and go touch the ground and maybe not make it it is a freaky freaky sensation

yeah which i i mean i assume it's because you're like, I'm a human. Yeah, you're little. That's big. Like, I should not be in the water this deep. But, yeah, I agree. There is something about that. It's part magical and part terrifying. It's like, go out on the Saharan Desert, right?

You're out there,'s there's lions somewhere nearby okay okay there now there's let's say there is one and you could you could what you could right you could say you could see you could see a right you could see a lion you could see a cheetah you could see whatever could kill you right well there's the sahara is a different environment yeah yeah no i got you and you're and you you would not get out of your car and go on a safari yes now pretend that they were all invisible you getting out of that car well some of them were in the grass yeah i mean it's like that's what that's what people do on the ocean yeah no that it's a good answer and it was i was

trying to just let things come to me on this just like what was my first thought and in big open water like i've you know you've been out on a lake that's big enough and deep enough you feel weird there too and that's not even there aren't even sharks there it's just a no those are monsters oh the loch ness monster that's that's actually true when we when we go boating on our local lake here i i swim but i'm always nervous oh i don't want nothing touching my leg it's a little different yeah um okay uh where are we back to mike we're back to me the police are driving behind you you're feeling a little nervous what's your next pick apparently i'm just afraid of the man because this is a you got to do it every single year got to pay those taxes really and always a little nervous they They freak me out.

Unbelievable. Because you're like one of the fellas like you could do your own taxes, I imagine. Sure. Like I cannot because the forms. So it's like a mysterious open water of potential penalties. It's a completely different language. And I go to a person and I just trust that this person knows what they're doing.

You're not going to get audited. And then I'm not going to get a later, a letter later from the IRS. It's like, Hmm, we're going to need to look into some things. You're like, I don't have the receipts. I don't, I don't have the organizational skills that I can prove all of these things. And I'm like, the IRS is listening right now. Look, I mean, what's your social, Mike? Am I supposed to give that to you right now?

Yes. But it's like, if I'm skirting any rule, I believe I am doing it completely my fair share. But it still freaks me out the idea that you could get a letter in the mail that says you didn't do it right and now you need to prove all these things and you're like I can't I like how am I possibly gonna prove all of these that's okay that's interesting so you are just you are afraid of getting in trouble from people who have power. Yes. Yes. The man. This is good to know. I had heights. Afraid

of climbing up that tall ladder as my first pick. My second pick, when I think about getting nervous genuinely, I am a sports fan. And I feel the nerves at the end of sporting events.

I didn't even think about that. I mean, genuinely, if you wanted to tell me, how can you guarantee you can get your heart beating really fast in a perceptible way where if you're wearing a halter monitor, your doctor's going to call you? It is 100% the end of a sporting game that I care about for the team that I care about. I remember, Jason, we were at the NBA finals and Jason Moore was crouched in a position

that you could only describe as abject terror slash fear. Yeah, fetal. I mean, this was the nerves. I mean, sporting events has always done that to me. I've always been like, why is my heart beating so fast? It's like mind, body, fandom, football. That's a good one. That's a good one.

I think it's not on my list because I didn't really think of nerves. It's a good nervous. Right. It's nervous excitement. It's like going to a horror movie. Yeah, versus nervous to go to jail. The other thing that makes me nervous, little from left field here, but it pumped into my head, so I'm going to go with it.

I'm a dad. I have three kids. I've been through the baby phase for three kids. No problems. But if you hand me your baby, it's a whole different ballgame because it ain't mine. Yes. Yes. And I've already forgotten how to hold them.

And it's your baby. And the thought of doing anything to hurt another person's baby, I am an awkward, nervous mess holding somebody else's baby. So that one popped into my head and it made me laugh. One of my best friends recently had their first child and I went over, got just incredibly sweet baby and they're like, you want to hold him? I'm like, yes. And then I immediately sat down.

Because I'm like, 100%. I laid down on the bed. I mean, I don't know that i've held a baby since and you have three since my youngest you have three kids yeah who just i think who i would just turn nine and i'm like i don't have these skills anymore but i want to see your your fun new cute baby and i know but it was there's there is a little bit of panic inside of like, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It's so weird, especially having been through it with your own kids and certainly was nervous at the beginning of having your own kids.

But the idea of being handed somebody's baby was, I think, a funny one. That's very funny. I'm going, okay, so number three here. Yeah, which person in power is going to make you sweat now, Mike? This one is not the man. Your parents approve this? Lawyers. This one is not the man.

This is my own worst enemy being myself. So this is just, I mean, you have to kind of be in a specific place, but it's the rumbly and the tumbly. Oh, yeah. And there's no bathroom that you are aware of gotta go and gotta go like having you know as we say on the show redlined where you've where you've gotten to the brink of disaster on too many occasions it is now a a panic inducing effect for me where if like because we all we're at this stage,

you're in tune with your body. You know, what's when there's certain movements and sounds that happen inside. You're like, that's the timer. And you can use, this is why you need your boot shoot. Yes.

Yes. 100%. That'd be fantastic. If I could get that rearranged. But if like you're in a car ride with, and you're like, you know, like an interstate drive and you feel it go off and you're like oh you just yeah yeah the alarms are going off and it's not

even it doesn't even need to be that extreme for me anymore it's just when i when i feel it go off and i know that i'm not close to a bathroom, the palms start getting a little bit sweaty. That's pretty funny. All right, Jason, you get to close out your picks. All right. Chest pains and swimming in the open ocean? Yeah, I think those are two that are common to a lot of people that would get nervous in those situations. These next two are Jason specials.

These are things that I'm sure that I'm not alone, but these are not going to show up on I'm sure that I'm not alone, but these are not going to show up on people's lists, I don't think. The first one is opening gifts in front of the gift givers. Oh, that is brutal. I hate it, man. I hate it. I get so nervous because, like, I don't. Can I dig in here?

Sure. Can I ask a question after you explain it? Yeah, yeah. So I don't like things. Like, I just, I don't really care for many things. The things I do like, I get myself. And so, like, I just, most things that people are going to get me, I just don't care. And I totally appreciate the giving of a gift, the fact that you went and found a thought about me.

Like, I understand all that. I just don't actually care about whatever this thing is going to be. I don't want it. I don't want you to give me a gift. I don't ask for gifts. I tell people I don't want gifts. And I just hate the fear of disappointing them. I'm going to put on a happy face.

I'm going to say thank you. I'm going to say, oh, no, really, this, you know, all that jazz. But I'm so afraid they could see through me. I'm so afraid they could be like, he does not care about that. And you know what? You're right. I don't. So I get so nervous.

And I mean, I love much um not getting gifts that's i was gonna ask you does this extend all the way down to like you know your wife she's got a heart of giving oh yeah and she real i mean of all the texts i've ever received from your wife in my life at least 90 of them have been do you think jason would like this what you know it's something about a gift she's thought to get you yeah i mean it's it's tough because you know she loves me and she wants to do well and she knows my uh proclivity for fear of opening gifts and and whatnot that probably makes it more fun for her yeah yeah. Yeah. Um, and it's really funny too, cause the gifts that I ended up really liking a lot are, are always just unexpected.

Like I think the best gift I ever I've received in the last, as long as I can remember last Christmas, my daughter got me these little, little cleaning wipes for my, my glasses. Oh dude, I love them. They're incredible. Uhicality. All right, my other one. So I need one more thing that makes me nervous, and this is – I'm sure a lot of people are like this. I would imagine, Mike, you are not very much like this because we just talked in the studio today. You have such a good memory. You have such a good ability to remember things. such a good ability to remember things but when i go to a place or i'm in a situation where i know i'm supposed to know this person and at least know this person's name oh my goodness

i hate it because i don't remember you and i don't remember your name and i know that i'm a jerk and i'm so so so sorry but please i just please, I don't want to be in that situation. It's stressful. It's how my brain don't work. I'm so sorry. My memory is excellent for a lot of things. Dates and names are not one of them. And so I'm with you.

There's nothing more i know than i know the faces but i don't know the names and you just become very adept at listening to people's conversations or finding someone else to try and tip you off who someone's name is i get nervous like like oh it's the worst i uh you know if i go hey there you are uh-huh it's you again, you know, if I go to, there you are, it's you again. The, you know, the, the worst time was, you know, a while ago when I went to a friend from high school's wedding and then I'm around a bunch of people that are, but like going to a, I don't know, whatever year reunion it is. Nightmare for you. I want to go like, that seems like fun.

Oh, that sounds awful. But I know I won't, I don't want to go. I don't actually want to go i don't actually want to go like it seems fun in a vacuum except it seems awful for me because i won't remember you don't want to study your yearbook yeah that's why they give name tags to those events yeah but that's to try to save you not good but they don't want to they don't want your eyes looking at that uh ah what's frank frank of course all right that's a good one and that one uh i've seen you deal yeah you know me from high school i've got some texts from jason going please tell me this his

wife's name or something like that yeah um all right mike back to you final pick what makes you nervous all right so this is a funny one. I get it for the purpose of the game. We can maybe count only one of these, but I feel like it has to come with a combo because it's just so ridiculous. So part one is when my wife doesn't answer the phone. Oh, I know. Which I've talked about this before. And the other part is when my wife calls me because either one either one sets off a panic alarm that's a that's an anxiety thing because yeah uh when i call my wife and she

doesn't answer she has been kidnapped and right and her car is greened off a cliff yes yes she is perished she's been abducted uh she's gone basically i'll never speak to my wife again she has left and if she calls me that means that someone else is uh has died is no more yeah like my parents are gone my son's wrong with my kids yeah because I didn't get a text message if I get a phone call we have moved to this something is wrong something is wrong we have moved to the stage where if my parents call me oh no if either parent calls the first thing I say and they laugh at it now is everything all We have moved to the stage where if my parents call me. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. If either parent calls, the first thing I say, and they laugh at it now, is, everything all right? Yeah.

The first thing is, you know. When my wife calls, and like during, if I'm at work. A non-normal time. And she has gotten, she's tried to help me. She'll text and say, hey, are you busy? Not an emergency. Yeah. Just to help me. She'll text and say, hey, are you busy? Not an emergency. Yeah. Just to free you. And even still, immediately I'm calling.

Probably pretty serious. What's going on? Everything's okay? Everything's all right? Who lost a leg? Wow. Yeah, no, I get it. And it is weirder now because phone calls are less common.

So the phone call breaks through as like an inherently more important thing. Which telemarketers need to understand. That's fair. When my phone rings. My blood pressure goes up. All right. My final pick. Got a few more on the list.

I'm going to go with surgery. Okay. Yeah, that's fair. Surgery slash medical procedures, things where you are, once again, not unlike your taxes, you're trusting another person you barely know to perform something on your body when you have no say, no control. You just get to wake up later. It can kind of go to the dental world too because sometimes you know

if you get your wisdom teeth out they put you under you're in a different state sometimes it can be a test right they put you in twilight sleep or something just those things make people nervous in general and they certainly make me so are you more nervous of the procedure like itself or are you more nervous of going under and being completely... More nervous of, like, not recovery, not dealing with any of that. More nervous of, like, I have no control of this situation. So I'm handing it off. Something could go wrong, I guess. Yeah.

And, you know... I'm the opposite. I'm like, if I've got to get something, if I've got to have a dental job done, I'm worried about the procedure. Put me under. Just, like, put my life in your hands. That's fine. Help me not remember it.

You wouldn't be nervous. Let's say that has happened and you're getting driven in to do that. You'd be fine. Yeah, totally fine. If I know that you're going to put me under, I'm like. They're like, sir, we're going to reorient your mouth in a vertical position. When you wake up, you will have a vertical mouth. Have you had anywhere you're not put under, like a mole removed or any of that?

Now, do you watch? No. Or do you look away? No, I can't watch anything done to my own body. Okay. Because I get my body responds to it. You get the reaction. I get the vagal response.

But I don't mind that if I'm fully of full mind. I actually like, even though it's more painful, it's something about the control, giving up that control of, not that I'm controlling the procedure anyway, but just that I'm aware. And I guess it's as a dad or whatever, like, you know, worst case scenario, when you think about that, you're like, do I need to write letters to my kids today? You know, like, right. I need to get my affairs in order. Which is funny. So that'll do it. My other incontention. Oh, bees.

Oh, you said bees make you nervous? Yeah, the fear slash nervous is very close. Horror movies. Okay. The nervousness of going. That's why I hate them. Nausea in general. Any form of nausea.

Oh, yeah. You know, is this leading somewhere are we going on is this going to a town i don't want to live in you know and then uh i said that holding other people's babies roller coasters and then the unknown in general just the unknown makes me nervous i had uh airplanes which yeah they do make There's some nausea-related stuff in there, and being late. Yeah, I understand that. I do not like it. I've got being the passenger seat driver, because I'm never the passenger seat driver.

The phrase, we need to talk. Oh, that's the worst. There's nothing to it. Just start talking to me, bro. Why are you making me so nervous? Because that is the phrase that is preparing you. You're not going to like what I have to say. We need to talk. I'm giving you $3,000.

No one ever says that. That's never happened. No. Having the scat always makes me very nervous. That was on my list. That is so true. And then my favorite one, we actually talked about this before the show, so I didn't interrupt you, but opening a can of biscuits.

If you know what we're talking about, then you know it. You peel off that paper on the outside wrapper, and all of a sudden. Al said as soon as you unwrap it, you have a live grenade in your hand at any moment. That biscuit's going to pop. Al, anything that makes you nervous that we didn't mention today? You covered all the stuff that I had on my short list.

Okay. You didn't say like losing a liar liar. That doesn't make you nervous? Not anymore. What did we learn today? I learned that scientists are even more ridiculous than I have thought they were with the Achoo

system or syndrome. I learned that Al has not lost a step. We thought maybe he would fold, collapse into himself. He regrouped. He regrouped and he brought some real, real lies today to the show. And I learned that there is a lot of flawed logic in money I would not take to lose my tooth and not pay to have a tooth back in place. The tooth goblin. I'll give you two million.

Thanks for joining us. Oh, my goodness. Thanks for laughing with us. Hey, tell your friends about the podcast, please. Your friends and your family, they'll like the show. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.