Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 225: Space Swimming and Different Ways to Say Hello - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

Come on in! Pull up a chair as we talk about Andy’s badingy, sharky waters, and the thin rim. We also have ‘Life Advice’ on today’s show after a long break. We say goodbye to this episode after a draft of ‘different ways to say hello’. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Howdy, howdy, come and get to know me, come on. Come and get to know me, come on Come and get to know me Oh Very nice, welcome in I enjoyed it, but you'll be hearing from my legal team Oh, is this a repeat?

No Oh, okay But the come on at the end Oh, trademark That's my bed No. Oh, okay. But the come on at the end. Oh, trademark. That's my Bedingi. Ah, I was unaware. You stole a man's Bedingi. You did.

Oh, never steal a man's Bedingi. Never, never. That is, well, I mean, it's perfect. It's episode 225, Mike. You can enjoy my Bedingi when I'm using it. Okay. That is the saying. Welcome in.

We're going to do a show now. We're going to do a show now. It's not technically you can't call it your Badingi because that violates my. That is true. I was just putting it in terms that he would understand. Yeah, terms that you cannot use. Yes. Like Super Bowl.

It's the big game. Right. So Badingi, you're going to have to call it something else. Yeah, everybody. The big finish. Come on. Would you rather life advice, and we are drafting different ways to say hello on today's show. So, different greetings, different hellos.

I like it. Yeah, it should be fun. Give you something to use in your day-to-day life. Yeah, just make your impact, your first impressions that much better or worse. Or worse. According to my list, potentially much worse than just a simple hello. Yes, yes. At SpitballersPod on Twitter.

Thank you for subscribing to the show, for following it, for leaving us a review, for telling your friends. This is episode 225 somehow. 225. Incredible incredible the amount of wisdom making our way we've doled out so much knowledge and wisdom and know-how that the world is clearly a better place yeah i was gonna say if you want to if you want proof of how good this podcast is

look around and see how well the world is working and there's there's the proof exactly the charts are up would you rather would you rather question from jackson over on patreon would you rather be able to breathe underwater or be able to breathe in space okay now yeah we got it we got problems already of course i think what this means is survive underwater or survive in space because breathing is one problem in space but breathing won't help when my body immediately freezes yes so is this the ground rules here are maybe survive underwater survive in outer space? Are we just getting breathing and nothing else? Because that's an easy underwater.

Yeah, but you're having to make the assumption that you can get to space, right? Yeah. So if you go and you go with surviving space, there is still a technological something. I can go jump in the ocean right now. Right. Or even your pool. But I can't go right now. Right. Or even your pool. But I can't go that deep. Right.

Because of the breathing. No, because of the pressure. I mean, the surviving underwater, and you're saying the pressure is irrelevant now? Yeah, well, the pressure is irrelevant just period. I mean, look at scuba divers. You acclimate to it. Like, eventually, you just do the thing where you close your nose and you blow out. certain degree oh scuba divers go very deep well no i mean you can't no there's special submarines to go certain distances so you you certainly cannot go to the bottom of the ocean

you're talking about like a small difference near the top of the ocean i'm gonna see what's the deepest you can scuba this is a great i'm not saying you can't acclimate and go deeper. I'm just saying you can't really explore the way you'd want to due to pressure. Well, I'm going to disagree with you there, which is once you get to where the pressure is really going to affect you, I would imagine it's dark and you're not exploring anything anyways. Swimmers can hit 20 feet. Experienced divers can safely dive to about 40 feet.

That's not scuba. Yeah, that's not. Yeah, it's scuba divers. I looked up here. This is from oceanexplorer.noaa.gov. Technical divers may work in the range of 170 to 350 feet, sometimes even deeper. That sounds like they've got some special equipment. But nevertheless.

While the recommended maximum. Yes, they are wearing scuba gear. The recommended maximum depth for conventional scuba diving is 130 feet. Did you say the recommended depth? Depth. Oh, okay. Because that is also the recommended depth. Yes.

Around 150 feet is the ideal depth to have a death so you know this is this is you can go down but i i agree obviously in order to have this question have any relevance you can also get to outer space well no i mean then then no one's no one's taking the ocean no i would still take the ocean i don't think you recognize how incredibly boring infinite. It'll be incredible to see the Earth. You're up there. You see the Earth from space. Unbelievable.

You're done. You've explored everything you're going to be able to reach. Also, there's not enough cool stuff in the ocean to keep me coming back for more versus getting to. Every night I can go out and just chill and float around in space but how do you move in space well that's this is why this whole question sucks hey don't i'm just trying to break it down here for our our fine supporter i'd be the problem our patreon the problem is is it can get broken down a thousand depths yeah or in your case 150 feet but that's what we're here to do i mean what do you mean how do you move i well you're not getting anywhere in space that's my point is like you if you're

outside of the ship and you can just we're saying you can survive in street clothes out in space you still have no way to propel yourself you can't you can't like swim is that sure really even if you let sure let them swim in space. You're not covering enough ground. No, no, no. Yes. No, obviously. That was my point. It's like, once you see the earth and that's cool, there's nothing else you're going to

be able to reach, even if you can. But I want to rewind this for a second. Are you telling me, like, when you're out there, if I were to, like, do the swimming motion, I'm not propelling myself forward at all? That is correct. Whatever force you were able to like that got you moving so you push the ship and then which that's that's the end yeah that's you will there's no gravity you will continue to move that direction and that speed infinite yeah

forever until you get i guess you get pulled into like a gravitational now if you do the motion in the same direction in which you're like you're swimming you will look like you're swimming now that's pretty cool space swimming is pretty sweet here i'm gonna i mean this is a would you rather it's subjective i'm formally going space because at the end of the day yes you can do more exploration in the water and see a couple things that will get old as well and you are you're gonna have to swim to do it and the ocean's pretty big i just think at the end of the day, I'm going to want to go chill in space with that view more often than I want the ocean view,

and that's all it is. Yeah, I mean, the view is spectacular from outer space, but I want diversity and change. I want to see the animal life and, you know, no sharks, please. Well, you can't get rid of the shark well you know i'm gonna not go in the sharky water i'm gonna stay where it's safe so you're gonna explore you're gonna have the ability to breathe underwater at shore yeah you are because

everything else is sharky water you're gonna see me two feet in the water laying face down he's hiding in the coral. No problem. He's just hiding in the coral. You are overlooking. You are instantly the world's greatest Marco Polo player. That's a good point, Mike. How could you overlook that? I'm dumbfounded that you did.

You would jump above Marco and Polo. Yes. And they're the only two in the list right now. You'll be undefeated. If you want to go into like synchronized swimming, you could be the best. He may be talking you into space. I also think that just simply using this in my pool in the backyard would be super cool.

I'm just, I'm swimming underwater all day. I'm impressing everyone. So let's say you have this power in the ocean and you're on like the deadliest catch right and you're working on the boat in the middle of the Bering Sea it's a honestly the scariest landscape I've ever seen

like that genuinely like the idea of stormy dark black ocean with no land within thousands of miles. And it's freezing. In freezing cold. Now, you jump off because it's like a party trick, right?

Everybody else is like doing their work and you're like, peace, and you leap off. Oh, no, I fell. And then you can survive in the ocean. Yeah. But. We're saying temperature-wise you can still survive. Yeah, same as space. Sharks can kill me.

Yeah, but like you're dying, right? Because you're going to not you're not you're gonna not have food there's plenty of food in the ocean yeah it's swimming all around you couldn't catch a thing i could catch a fish in the in the water is it filled with like fiji water because you're gonna need to drink too yeah i mean look there are problems but i'm gonna get back on that boat okay all right mike what's your final answer here we gotta move on i'm taking the water Yeah, I mean, look, there are problems, but I'm going to get back on that boat. Okay. All right, Mike, what's your final answer here? You've got to move on.

I'm taking the water. Yeah, that's stupid. I'll take the water. If I have to get the Costner gills from Waterworld, I'll still do that. I think you want the gills. Yeah, I was going to say that. That's an upgrade. You're just wanting gills, man.

It would be awesome. Also, total insult to your space-oriented, you know, you've always enjoyed space. Yes. And here you are with the chance to float around in it, pretending you're swimming. It's just floating around, and you're getting all the radiation. Like, it's a problem. It's a problem. All right, Madison from Patreon, would you rather have, let's get back to something a little more up our alley.

Yeah. Madison wants to know, would you rather have to poop in get back to something a little more up our alley. Madison wants to know, would you rather have to poop in the middle of the woods with no toilet... Been there. Or have to poop in a public restroom with no toilet seat? Public restroom, no toilet seat.

That is as gross as it gets. We're just saying... The toilet is still there, but you don't have the seat part. You've got the thin rim. Yeah, the thin rim. The thin rim. Which, look, I you don't have the seat part. You have to sit on the thin rim. The thin rim. Which, look, I'm going to be honest with you. I don't have the badonkadonk to handle a thin rim.

I'm going in. That's a dive. You got to change your orientation. I got to go one cheek up? No, you got to face. You got to face the tank. Whoa, I got to ride it like a horse? Couldn't you still stay the same direction but just go like super wide legs?

Yeah, but I think that there'd be a problem. Yeah, you could go super wide legs. Super wide legs. You're saying a problem for excavation. No, I'm saying a problem. Evacuation. I'm saying falling in. Excavation.

We're going in and getting it out. I'm going to pull this. No, no, no. There's a leverage thing there because you're still falling in. Yeah. Really? Yeah, there's enough of a tipping point. Not for you.

Okay. Yeah, I've got the donkers. I'll be fine, but I will be uncomfortable. You will. Just picture a really skinny person with long legs and a wide, thin rim. Like, they can't really support themselves enough without dipping. That's fun for what I'm picturing. You're going in.

Can you go to the bathroom submerged? In the water? If you just kind of commit yourself to, like, I'm in the water. I could poop in that ocean. I mean, if I'm in the water. Yeah, absolutely. I'm just talking about a dip. Would that be pretty hard to overcome?

Yeah, mentally. There would be some red flags there to your body. Is there some backwash? I don't think anything's getting in. No, but it's getting all over. Yeah, it's not pleasant. This isn't something I'm asking for. I mean, your butt cheeks are in there, so everything is contaminated immediately.

I don't see the problem of pooping in the middle of the woods. No, that's what you do when you go camping. What? There's no one else out there. But you have to find the woods. Or you instantly transport it. Yes, you're in the woods. What is this, Narnia? I go to my bathroom and it's the woods? No, I thought this was

a question of a one-time event. You've got to go poop. Which is the better place to poop is basically the question. The woods. I'm not a camper. Now, so when you're deucing in the woods, is this a squat? Yeah, it's just a squat.

It's a squat. And you've got to use. I couldn't do it. You've got to use leaves and stuff. Well, that's true. For a wipe. You're saying in this question, not when you're camping. I mean, I bring toilet paper when I go camping. No, you don't get teepee.

In this question, you've got to use what you've got. And the one real risk in the woods, and I when you're camping. I mean, I bring toilet paper when I go camping. No, you don't get teepee. In this question, you've got to use what you got. And the one real risk in the woods, and I've had this risk. There's a lot of risks in the woods. Just peeing in the wilderness, I've had this risk. Bears. Well, yeah, that's risk. That's at the tippy top of the list. But just general animals slash pests.

Yeah. Because midstream, if, you know. you hear a rattle mike you just tweeted i just gonna i was gonna bring it up go ahead i was in a restaurant the other day and went to use the bathroom just congratulations i don't know the story just a normal it's not not a huge story but it was on twitter it was just i go to the bathroom you know it's to stand up number one at the urinal okay i'm midst uh midst business and i look around there are multiple mosquitoes oh no flying around and i am mid i'm in the i'm in the middle of things and a bit you know vulnerable you gotta stay focused you're vulnerable i'm very vulnerable

and i you don't have a mosquito net i No. There is no net protecting me. And I'm like. You're blowing on them? Because my hands are occupied at the moment. You have to use both hands. I mean, you're. I'm always told you're an impressive man. Now, you said, I mean, you were pooping at the cabin and there was a spider and you.

Oh, my gosh. It was the worst thing ever i'm you bidet yourself yes i'm mid-washing on a bidet i bidet myself because he leapt up i'm i've got the bidet life and i'm cleaning the the job that's been done so i'm mid-wash and there's a spider crawling towards my foot i I don't have voluntary actions at that point. I am up out of that seat. But now I'm getting sprayed all over. And I wasn't like done with the wash. This is a real problem.

I had to. Rewash? Oh, man. Well, I had to dry first and then rewash. The best part of that story was his entire family had just left the cabin oh yeah so this is his first action alone in the cabin completely alone um but so which i suppose is better but um but like in the woods you're telling me you're just you're able to maintain that squat position i think you can get there you are but there's there's two different ways you

can do this okay one is you you have to completely release one leg from the pants you can't obviously squat yeah with the pants okay you probably should go full donald yeah yeah donald duck um you cannot he's known for you cannot do the squat poop with the shorts around the ankles yeah i get that what about a crab position you can't where you're like on your your hands and your feet with the backup because then you can get away from animals i think i you brought up whether slowly you brought up whether or not you could succeed with your butt being in the water or whether that would stop you. The crab position would be a full stop. Body would not allow that excavation process.

The other option here, if you don't want to remove one leg from the pants, is you hold a tree. What? Yeah, you squat backwards. Yes. You're holding. That's the preferred. Yeah, that's how I do it. That's what I would go with.

That's not a backwards. That's just a squat while you're supported. Take a look in the Slack channel. It's not backwards. Yeah, I'm seeing there's a lot of different. They call it the pole dancer. Yeah, when you're holding on to the tree. That's the way I want to.

That's how I do it, which is great. Wait, what do you mean how you do it? It presumes you've done it more than once. Yeah, I've gone camping many a time. You've said you would hold it through a whole camping trip. I usually do. I usually can make it through a camping trip, three days, hold it. But, you know, sometimes you got to go.

Yeah, I mean. The break dancers. You fellas have strong legs i think i will do all of these versus the possibility of tumbling into a public you won't tumble in if you face the tank i'm telling you you'll be safe there's he also won't poop no not to mention the embarrassment of someone coming in and seeing my feet aiming that direction that would would be so... Imagine sitting down or walking by your seat. You sit down in the stall next to it

and you look over and the feet are facing the wall. I can't imagine what I would do in that moment. I think I would just have to laugh out loud immediately. We need to move on. I'm going to take the middle of the woods for lack of embarrassment.

Final answers? I'm in the the woods i've got my technique okay benny from twitter would you rather be able to talk to ghosts or be able to walk through walls this is presuming that ghosts exist that's that's a big part of this question um because i might be able to talk to ghosts right now but here's here's the thing with the if you're going to take the talk to ghosts, I mean, I guess you could gather information, but that is, you start with the, are ghosts real? Perhaps you believe in them, perhaps you don't. But here's the thing. Nobody's going to believe you that you say you're talking to ghosts. Right.

Yeah. I mean, that's true. You just look like you're talking to ghosts. Right. Yeah, I mean, that's true. You just look like you're talking to nobody. What is the advantage of walking through walls? It's awesome. Bank robbery. Well, I guess you can't carry your materials. No.

What are the rules about walking through walls? Do your clothes go with you? I think the clothes have to go with you. You're not leaving the clothes up against every wall you go through. Well, it was just the first one. Well well you got to put clothes on in the next room you better be walking through a wall to a closet that would be a nuisance but you have a robe a robe hanging up in every room yeah but i mean that would that would then imply it's whatever you're touching yes can go yeah you can bring everything with you so then i can rob a bank

yeah yeah i think so yeah but then you're not I can rob a bank? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, but then you're a bank robber. You're still. I could. I could, police. Walking through walls does not mean you get away with a bank robbery. Oh, but you're still on camera. No, no, no.

Yes, you do. Because unless they put you to death, you escape every prison. Yeah. You cannot be contained if you can walk through walls. Also, you're never contained. So you just walk up to a good point. You cannot be contained if you can walk through walls. Also- You're never contained. Also, you just walk up to the back. You don't have to go through the lobby.

You just go up to the back of the bank where the vault is and walk through. You don't think there's cameras in the vault? You don't think I'm wearing a mask? Okay. All right. I didn't think you were wearing a mask. We've established- You're one step ahead of me already.

You are quite a white-collar criminal over here, Mike. The wall one would be very valuable. The ghost one is ridiculous. I mean, I don't know. I don't want to talk to ghosts. If ghosts are real, I don't want to talk to them. Let's set a default for what, if I say today, if I tell you, the breaking news on the front headline of the

paper it says ghosts exist okay and you are now making your presumption of what that means what does it mean because it could mean friendly uh relatives from the past are ghosts that still live and walk around you it could be horror oriented um it could just be anything what are you thinking if it says ghosts exist and this is now tomorrow morning ghosts exist confirmed that is that to me that means dead people who are stuck in some bad state are now among us because they haven't moved on yeah like that's my my mental picture or they're just in the next level sure but that's not my mental my mental picture is that they are trapped they're kind of stuck sad and upset they haunt things because exactly they don't have anything else to do yeah there's only one friendly ghost that's been established that's casper outside of that

they're haunters yeah you wouldn't have to say it would just be casper the ghost if they if you knew that they were going to be friendly you had to qualify it so you're so all of your unfriendly so your relatives they they turn on you well they're not ghosts hopefully look i had once my relatives get to a certain age they're already upset and that's while they're alive you think they're happier dead they're gonna be grumpy yeah you don't get to eat when you're a ghost. Are you just hungry all the time? You're hungry? Oh, man.

Yeah, I mean. What a nightmare. I love eating. So, I mean, what do you think of when you say a ghost? Are you going to, what's the Patrick Swayze movie? Ghost. Oh, yes. Man, there was this movie about ghosts.

Real popular. He did a lot this movie about ghosts. Real popular. He did a lot of ghostly things as a ghost. Right. The name of the movie was Ghosts. Yes, it was. Great movie. But in that one, I mean, he was just like, well, he was trying to get, was he trying to get back?

I don't think I've ever seen Ghosts. I think he was just trying to protect her from being... To find who killed him. He was killed in a robbery, and he was trying to help her find who killed him. Yeah, yeah. I think all ghosts are people... As soon as you're a ghost, you're in a Victorian outfit. That's a good point.

Okay. Only old-timey people can be ghosts. Now, I think that will change hundreds of years from now, right? No. You think that's it. So when we, you and I, pass on, if we stay as ghosts, we are now in Victorian outfits. Now, what about people before the Victorian era? They also became Victorian outfits?

So it was like a preview? Cavemen inherited a beautiful Victorian robe. Yes. Incredible. Well, facts. Facts and hats. I will take walking through walls for $1,000. Walking through walls is awesome. Should we move on or do we have time for another?

Let's do one more. Okay. Josiah from the website. Would you rather always have magical access to the most luxurious and clean bathroom ever while we're in the bathroom again or never need to change to charge any battery ever again. Would you rather always have magical access

to the most luxurious and clean bathroom ever? So you never have to worry about public restrooms. Anytime you're out, you just transport to this really nice bathroom. I see the benefits from that. I'm trying to figure out the battery part. Well, the battery, I mean, I get that. Like an electric car, okay. You can drive it forever.

Well, you don't have to charge your cell phone. Yeah. Oh, no. I've been so inconvenienced. That time where I'm- You never have to take that watch off. Where I'm not awake, can't use my phone, I just charge it. There are times-

Talk me into this this there are times that you have had your battery low there's no way you have an experience like oh man i'm running low i need to charge i forgot to charge i think it'd be more about the innovation if you knew that that was your power then you could you could get anything battery powered and it would be infinite for you your laptop's good i mean literally at ces they did you see these battery powered televisions that they have i did not these are amazing so their their battery their their hot swap batteries that each battery will give you six hours a day of tv use for a month and so the tvs have no wires and the tvs have like a little vacuum uh suction on the back.

So you can pick them up and you can put them anywhere. I don't understand. And they have a pump that suctions the back. So we no longer have to do all the annoying mounting. There's nothing like that. So that part is, that's awesome. Wait, I'm confused. The six hours a day for a month.

They're just saying that that would be the average. That's the average capacity. For one battery. For one battery. And so you have one charging and you have one that you swap. And I think maybe it has like two in there at once. And then when one gets low, it lets you know and you swap them. But you can lift it up.

You can put it anywhere. It's a 12-inch TV. It looks like a watch. Yeah, it's basically. No, it was really cool. But the technology would begin to emerge where, I mean, think about it. Houses run on generator batteries. Well, you'd never run out.

So you're not paying a power bill. Is that free power? It's free power. Okay. That's what I'm saying. I need to be talked into this. There's a little bit more, a few more perks there than the whole like. Now, if I'm sitting on the couch and I got to pee and I can blink and I'm on the toilet in this luxury bathroom and then I blink now if I'm sitting on the couch and I gotta pee and I can blink and

I'm on the toilet in this luxury bathroom and then I blink again and I'm back on the couch. It's not just clean. It's luxurious. Yeah there's a bidet in every stall. I mean it's. Are there mints? It's a luxurious bathroom. Of course there are mints. Is there a person giving me the mints that has to live in there? User choice. Yeah

that's what I would say. That's something you find out about yourself when you go in that luxury bathroom i didn't know i was a bathroom attendant person i for the record because you know i'm i'm uh you're pro i'm a i'm a pro i'm a fancy schmancy i love fancy restaurants you're a schmancy boy i'm a schmancy boy thank you that's that's the right word and that is exactly who i am i'm a schmancy boy i Thank you. That's the right word. And that is exactly who I am. I'm a schmancy boy. I am extremely anti-bathroom attendance. Okay, thank goodness.

And that's where I figured you guys might think that I'm in on that. Because, you know, a lot of times... I would have thought you were in on that. Yeah, where you... I would have thought you would have liked tipping a bathroom attendant. Yeah, I mean, I do tip them. And maybe on the basis of how good your poop was. But I hate tipping a bathroom attendant because, one, who has cash?

Right. Tippable cash. They have to take e-payments now, right? I hope not. Oh, just touch? That'd be nice. I'm saying, like, the bathroom attendant hands you something and then just holds up the QR code. But it's just so awkward and

the worst part is if you're at a place where you're there for a while okay so i've been in this situation before where i gotta see him more than once yes so now i've i've gone in there i've tipped the dude i was generous i gave him a a tinsky and took the mints and yeah you're a schmancy boy and then i'm like wow i don't want to go to the tensky it's just depending on what i have on me like the awkwardness of it does i don't open up a cashier drawer and be like well do i want to use my ones or fives it's like what do i have and so maybe i give him my watch sir something nice but later on i'm like i don't i have to pee i do not want to go in there because is he going to remember that I already tipped him? If you win a 10-ski, then you're prepaid.

You're good. I get that. Your tab is closed. I get that completely. I have no responsibility. You don't have to tip. Tipping is optional. And then if I know I've already tipped 10, I should be able to go in there and leave.

No problem. I should get a high five on my way out the second time. But they might not recognize you but that's my fear and i'm just like that's like i'm i'm all worried that i'm gonna go in there and they're gonna be like what a jerk he didn't tip me it's like no i did earlier so you do you make small talk with them do you say something like wonderful poop uh that's not usually my go okay all right you need to use a real over-the-top accent oh so that they remember me introduce yourself what a jumbler i don't know is that the name of a a real growler a mighty one don't remember you oh boy we need to move on yeah the bathroom

attendant thing doesn't seem it's just an invented like what would be another job that doesn't need to be done that you could just get tips for like is there anything out there that i mean obviously you have people run up to you in the street and clean your window and then they want you to tip them that's not an official job that's not a job no that's being homeless they are not employed well this is the the the the problem is it's it's completely unnecessary. I was going to do this. Could you get tips for just holding the bathroom door open and opening the door and closing the door?

As long as you have a vest on. Oh, you need the vest. Or a cummerbund. Yes, that's fine too. What if you came to take out your garbage and then someone's out there just waiting by your garbage cans? They took it out. They're on the street already. They know your time. And they're just waiting. Sir, I took your garbage cans. They took it out. They're on the street already. They know your time.

And they're just waiting. Sir, I took your garbage out. Be like, what are you doing? Go away. You are on to a service, though. The garbage man? Yeah. Of like, no, no, no, no.

No, someone who actually pulls your cans out. Sure. From the backyard. Please. And puts them in. Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was just like. You should be able to upgrade your trash service from the backyard please like and put them in yes oh yeah yeah i mean it was just like you should be able to upgrade your trash service from the trash company but that's actually actually i think you're on the way that there's this old school uh paperboy routes yes i'll mow your lawn

there should be a kid in every neighborhood who goes around and just says hey i would like to offer my services they know the day they know the day they live in that neighborhood and they go around and and every neighbor subscribes. And it's just five bucks a neighbor. It's like nothing. But they got 20 neighbors. So now they're getting 100 bucks a week just taking out everyone's garbage, putting it all in. Come on, kids.

Grow up and make something yourself. That's a genius idea. And they started from making fun of that idea. Wonderful. See, we do affect the world. We do. Now let's dish some advice out. Spitballers to the rescue.

It's been a minute since we've had the life advice drop. That thing's real chill. Yeah. That's real chill. Let's take it easy. Because we're very serious. When you give advice, I mean, you've got to be calm and cool well sophia is over on patreon she says uh my family and i were recently invited to my brother's wedding here we go congratulations we were also excited to be able to celebrate a

special day with him until we found out that his fiancee was planning to have the ceremony in a very non-traditional way she wants to have it on a boat in a different country which means that all of us would have to fly overseas to attend. And my family and I are all very uncomfortable with this idea. But we don't want to upset my brother. What is the best way to approach the situation without causing drama or making it worse? Bad news, Sophia. Yeah.

There's going to be some drama. Or at least some drama mean. Nice. Oh, I like that one thank you do i have oh okay that'll work i didn't push it oh all right someone else uh but yeah step one i mean look non-traditional you go with the boat okay fine do we need to combine these things with another with a destination wedding? Well, I mean, maybe they're taking the boat to the destination.

As they get to the end, they're going to get married on it. This is like, can you pay money to have seasickness to celebrate my wedding for me? Yeah, I mean, there are some pros and cons here. First of all, I think, like, i'm huge into big traditional wedding ceremonies i love i love the tradition but whoever's getting married they get to decide like that if they want to get married on a boat they want to get married on a beach they want to get married in thailand or or wherever they get you don't get to decide that but maybe you can bribe them out of it you know what i mean like it's their decision but what if it was all expenses paid at the hyatt regents you know what i mean like what you're saying you have to pay if you're trying to get out of this look you can't just tell them no i don't

want to do that you shouldn't do that you can't do that but that's the real life advice let's say it's settled how do you approach not attending because there's no way for you to not attend and not offend right oh you must attend it right you will offend yes you have to attend but it's expensive how okay this was a tribute from the whole family like one person goes as a representative for the whole family uh the question here it's upset the brother what level of relative do you have to be before you can you can opt out i think as immediate family stuck for sure yeah okay and then grandparents are stuck like uh is cousin cousins can skip it yep okay as soon as you're past the nuclear, for me, I am.

The grandparents can skip it? The nuclear? I get what you're saying. Yeah, the nuclear family. So I would say. Nucleus? No, I get what you're saying. It's nuclear family.

Yeah, that's the word. I've never heard it called that. Like the center of something is called the nuclear? It's not the nuclear. No, it's a nuclear family. A couple and their dependent children. It's a nuclear? nuclear yes it's a basic social unit yeah that's that's i don't know why it's called the nuclear yeah that doesn't make sense maybe it's because that's happened in modern day since nuclear times i don't know but that's there's not a

thing like that well now we gotta out. There wasn't a nuclear generation. Why is it called a nuclear family? It's also known as an elementary family. What? Yeah. People making stuff up. All right. But anyway, so you're saying immediate family, you have to go. Core members.

Yeah. Nuclear. Yeah. I like the core part. So you don't think grandparents are obligated to go on that trip? I don't think grandparents are obligated to go. I would use your old age if you feel obligated. Absolutely.

Yeah, my back. My weak knees get out of the ocean. I'm on social security. See, that's a Victorian ghost. Hey, we should head. Oh, here's an easy way out, guys. I just figured it out. But I'm not alive anymore.

No. You're going. You RSVP'd. You're absolutely going. anymore no you're going you are svp'd you're absolutely going the day of departure can't find my passport oh oh destination destination wedding don't have my passport whoopsie i'll send you a gift yeah that's not a that's not a bad way out it's better than the awkward conversation now i will say this in truth if you cannot afford a destination right like right some people it's like i don't want to go i can afford it but i i just don't want to go and they're gonna forget their passport but there are certain family members it's like i can't just

travel to tahiti i don't have i've got i've got 50 bucks in the bank. And at that point, you got to be allowed. You should just go and say, I would love to attend. I cannot afford it. You can either pay for me to go, which you do not need to do, or I'm out and we love each other. I mean, that's, that's, that's their choice in going destination. I was going to say, if you, if you don't actually want to go and you use that excuse, there is the risk that they'll pay for you. And then you do have to go. So you've got to be willing to accept that. Free vacation. But that's a free vacation.

Alright, Liam from the website. My roommate and I are both in our late 20s. And I've been living together for over a year. Okay. We get along pretty well. But there's one issue that has been causing a lot of tension between us. My roommate has the habit of not flushing the toilet after he's done. I've asked him multiple times to please flush after he's finished,

but he always seems to forget or ignore me. I'm so grossed out about it every time. Yeah, well, is this a number one or a number two? I mean, it could be any of them. I have to go to the bathroom after he's been in there and see his poop in the toilet. There you go. Oh, Aston answered.

What do I do besides continuously reminding him? You run. You escape this. Do you think that that's a sign of potential psychopathy? Yes. I have. Look, there was a time in this studio I forgot to flush once. I did. I don't know to flush once. I did.

I don't know how it happened. I have no idea. It seems impossible that I could have walked out of the bathroom without flushing. But it happened. Guilty as charged. Mike, I apologize. He walked in and we got to lift that toilet seat up. Whoa!

There's someone else's insides. It was occupied. I mean, that's like, I don't get embarrassed. I don't embarrass easily. That's one of the most embarrassing things I can remember. If you are, like, you get one strike. This is not baseball rules. Mike, if you find another one of my turds in there,

you get to just put me down. Take me out behind the shed. I'm out. Yeah, I'm done. You run from this roommate, Liam. This guy is a psycho. In Liam's defense here, this is a roommate. I was not really in the roommate game for quite long, but I've heard it's a difficult thing to navigate.

Yeah, everything else is good other than the poops in the toilet. Is he four? If he's four or five, I get it. They're still learning. Do they make a weight sensitive toilet flusher seat? Once you put weight on it,

it loads, spring loads. When you lift thy booty, it flushes the toilet automatic toilets andy these are already done and it's not like a weight it's just like they do most public restrooms i guess they do i don't know why i was inventing something new for the home a motion sensor how much of those things cost you think i mean we can't spare no expense for this problem not too much in this, it can't cost too much. Okay, so let's say you can't do that, though.

What? I mean, you fight fire with fire? Oh, you dump. You poop on their poop? No, that's not fighting fire with fire. No, that's. You leave it. No.

Till somebody flushes the ultimate standoff. Oh, man. Where everybody loses. And then eventually you can't flush it. You imagine having guests over? I'm not flushing. You flush. See, I have friends that were in a roommate battle,

but the roommate battle was related to dirty dishes on the countertop. And eventually one friend, they were tired of asking so many times, they just started leaving them there. And the other friend started leaving them as a payback. And it was like a back and forth until the countertops were not ever. That sucks. And so you're stuck.

I'll bet that first roommate didn't even care. This first roommate wouldn't care about that. He'd be like, Oh, cool, bro. I don't know. I mean, cause they, They'd be like, oh, cool, bro. It was mine from earlier. I'm saving water, too.

I don't know. I mean, because they come back and the toilet's always flushed. So you're doing them a favor? Yes. Look, this is a huge problem. There should be a penalty system. I'm okay if somebody, if I have to flush for you, how much money do you have to put in the jar every time you make the mistake for me to feel like it's a net positive?

Is it 100 bucks a poop? It's a quarter. But they're not doing it. What do you have to put in the jar every time you make the mistake for me to feel like it's a net positive? Is it $100 a poop? It's a quarter. But they're not doing it. What do you mean a quarter? 25 cents for a pee is $1,000 for a poop. If you're going to not flush, all right, don't flush your pee. Right, save the water, save the planet. Whatever.

I mean, gross, but- Save the cheerleader. Yeah, but no, you flush number twos every time okay so the answer here liam is automatic toilet or find a new place to live yeah fair enough let's draft the spitballers draft all right we are drafting different ways to say hello. So this is, you know, paint that picture. You're walking up to somebody, and you're not saying hello. You're saying some other variation of hello,

and I'll be curious which ones people pick because they do say something about you. Yeah, I think mine might go a couple different places um and there is not a 101 of this draft there's no there's no michael jordan here um i'm gonna go with one that i use from time to time it was the first word you heard on this podcast today it's howdy no come on man it'sdy. It's the one that I needed for my life. Yeah, I mean, you needed Howdy? I needed Howdy.

Interesting. Andy's got a lot of country in him. If you say Howdy to a certain age demographic, you earn their respect immediately. Because you can say it different. If you say it to another, you lose it immediately. You can say it different ways. Which demo do you get the respect from? Older adults. You'll say people I ways. Which demo do you get the respect from? Older adults.

The same people I don't give a crap about? Oh! You're almost one of them, Mike. Oh, not even. No, I'm not even close to the howdy generation. You're getting close. You're getting real close. You should try it.

Jason just drafted it 101. Yeah, but the thing is, is there's a serious howdy. And that's what you use with the older generation. Howdy. And they respect that. They go serious howdy and that's what you use with the older generation howdy and they respect that they go howdy partner but there's also the but the entire old generation are cowboys well they're from the time before they're they're from the time before electricity but there's also just like there's there's a there's a comic sans version of Howdy where it's just like, oh, Howdy. You know?

You had a twang. That wasn't it. That wasn't it. No, it's just Howdy. Yeah. It's better as a response to a hi. If somebody comes to you and says hello and you go Howdy, that's the least intimidating Howdy.

That's the least twangy Howdy. It would have been my one-on-one i'm absolutely devastated it's it's on my list but it would have been howdy stranger you throw the stranger oh yeah just to pull away from the west that's right away from the partner but here's the thing they aren't a stranger i know who they are oh man next level unfortunately that's the one-on-one to me it's unique i do use it um i haven't heard you use it i've used it i've used it here i've said howdy to you in the morning all right i'll pay closer attention all right uh maybe include the partner for you for me uh i'm gonna have to take a real

layup here i'm gonna have to go with a classic a simple it's look it's not flashy it's the core of the greetings and i'm gonna go with hey okay sure hey it's simple yeah i don't have to explain it you know what it is you've used it all the time it's not hello it's hey you guys are going with real short ones mine are mine are ridiculous okay well my list has some of those okay so you're just going with this simple hey all right howdy hey and mike and i'm going with uh okay so i'm up yeah i got two picture with my first pick i'm going look with the cat dragged in okay wow yeah all right we're taking this draft in a couple different directions not what i expected. I can tell you right now, every one of my greetings is one word or two words. See?

So you took it to another level. That's right. Look what the cat dragged in. I brought this draft up to my wife when I knew we were doing it, and that was her first one. Really? But she couldn't find the words. She was like, look what got dragged in here.

Look at what's dragged. It was like in a bar. Like, look what got dragged into here. Look at what's dragged. It was like in a bar. Like, look what got dragged into the bar. She couldn't find it. But look at what the cat dragged in. Wow. And then I'm going to follow that up with. You can't say that.

That's not a casual interaction. Like, you're walking past somebody in the street, and they say hello, and you go, look what the cat dragged in. Like, I'm just saying it's a certain situation. It's a little more nuanced. This can't be a stranger unless you're trying to really say that. It can't be a stranger. No. Okay, go on.

All right. And then the other one. Look what the dog dragged in. I'm going to hit him with the super formal. So your howdy is for older folk. Yeah. This one, I mean, this one's just completely gone because you got to get both words in there. You get the greetings and salutations.

I wanted it. I wanted greetings and salutations. It's high up on my list. It's so bad. Greetings and salutations. It's high up on my list. It's so bad. Greetings and salutations. No, that's wonderful. Again, it does accompany the Victorian era. If you're trying to greet a ghost, I would go with greetings and salutations.

See, I had shortened it. I had greetings on the list. So I have hay. Mics are very interesting. I have to go here because I'm worried about it. I'm worried about it getting around to me, and I feel like I need a little bit of a spice. Okay.

After drafting hay, you need a spice? So I'm going with what's up. Hi. I'm going with what's up. Okay, all right. What's up? It's classic. It's not what's that.

It's just what's up. All right it's not was that it's just what's up all right yeah jason you're back up all right i know my i know my first one here um i got the howdy i got the howdy partner you know kind of as an unspoken rule as a follow-up to my howdy but i'm gonna stick in the western theme here what and this one only works if you have a saloon, if you have a prop, and you're talking to a certain person. Okay. What? It is, ma'am, with a tip of the cap.

You got to have a cowboy hat on. You got to do the. We're having props now? Look what the cat dragged in. I'm going, ma'am. You got to do the. We're having props now? Look what the cat dragged in. I'm going, ma'am. That's not a hello. Ma'am. It says so much.

It says so much. You could be respectful. But what if you're talking to an old man and you say ma'am? I would say howdy. I've got it covered, Mike. Yeah, he's good. The dudes get a howdy. The ma'ams get a Mike. Yeah, he's good. The dudes get a howdy. The ma'ams get a ma'am.

Ma'am. But it's respectful. With the nod. With the nod. It's the tip of the cap. It's ma'am. I'll take this cap off. All the podcast listeners can hear your head nodding a little bit.

Yeah, they know what I'm doing. All right, so now that I've got ma'am and howdy parted. You're on a hot streak. I feel the need to go somewhere else i'm getting out of the west and i'm going to the tropics where i've never been where mike has been and andy you are going soon and i'm taking aloha it's a good one i mean i want it feels good i want to have the lay around the neck and a greeting of aloha in my life in the near future. I don't know anybody that lives in Hawaii that doesn't adopt all that language because it's so friendly on the tongue.

Yes. That is hello and goodbye. Is that right? I mean, they do what they want. Yeah. I like it. And it feels good. I want to say hello when leaving.

Could you imagine just like you're about to go away and you're leaving the door and you turn around and somebody say hello. You just walk out. Feels weird. That's what they're doing. All right. So you went with ma'am and aloha. Ma'am with a tip of the cap. I have hey and what's up, and I'm going to go with hey there.

Okay. I'm going with hey there. So you have hey and hey there. That would be like me drafting howdy partner. I got it already. That's true, isn't it? That's fine. Can I pivot?

No. No way. You are stuck. Hey there. Hey. I can't wait to see his next one. No way. You are stuck. Hey there. Hey. I can't wait to see his next one. You don't understand how narrow my list was. I was looking for real part and parcel substitutions for the word hello.

Hey, ma'am. I didn't know we were drafting long formal greetings. I mean, I just drafted ma'am. That's one word. No, yours is good. All right. Yours are all good. I like it, though.

Hey there. I've used it if you don't if you're not in the mood for hay throw a little there in there all right my draft is terrible man you spiced it up yeah you got it man it's a paprika what is that garlic all right the worst part is i thought I was doing something original when I said it. That's what's amazing. I'm going through my list. I'm like, oh, there's hay, and then there's hay there.

Yeah. Totally different. Yeah. All right. Hay there is more, for what it's worth, that's like recognition. If you say hay, you can say it to anybody. Yeah. If you say hay there, that is someone you care about.

That's true. Okay. That's true okay that's true that's why it's so spicy all right you're not here you're there so i have uh look what the cat dragged in greetings and salutations oh man hey there it's so good it really feels like you got an extra one when you say you got greetings and salutations. Well done. Because no one's like, salutations. Actually, you can do them separately. You can, but it's not. I think you could do greetings separate, but I think Mike's right.

You would never. You could say salutations. Yeah. Yeah. You could. Not in the West. You could say dogwood, but you don't do it because that makes no sense. Try hey there.

Let's see. Hey there, partner. We are going to go. I'll go with one that's a little bit more simple here for my third pick. Just a simple how's it going? Okay. Yeah. How's it going?

No, that's a greeting. Just a little more modern. It's certainly better than look what the cat dragged in it's more friendly yeah i mean that's i think that's probably one of the most common actual real world used you know by probably the three of us is like how's it going what's going is like probably my default if you don't take the word how and is and combine them it's a horribly awkward greeting you have to say how's it going yeah you cannot say how is it going oh you get you had to have the contraction you gotta hit it in there i'm just saying like it's interesting all right and the last one so interesting i like it

um the last one is ridiculous and and I guilty have used it. It's a little bit of a longer one, but it is, in fact. Well, well, well, what do we have here? I was trying to, literally, I'm looking at my list. I say it's boring and stupid. I'm in the middle of writing the words well, well, well to try to find something unique and special. Fantastic. It is the most dadliest of dad greetings.

Well, well, well. What do we have here? Fantastic. Wow. That's for when they show up late past curfew. Exactly. Well, then, look, I need a lot more spice on this group. Hello there is available.

I don't think anybody has drafted high. That's also available. But unfortunately, I need to match my competition. So I'm going to have to go with fancy meeting you here. Oh, that's a good one. There we go. He's in the game.

It's not quite hey there. Fancy meeting you here. Yeah. There we go. Welcome. I like it. Welcome in. I like it. Welcome to the draft. See, that's a meeting you here. Yeah. There we go. Welcome. I like it. Welcome in. I like it.

Welcome to the draft. See, that's a good first pick. Yeah, but have you tried what's up? Yeah. Ooh-wee. All right. So am I done yet? No, you're good.

Yeah. Yeah, are you done? So I'm finishing up here. So howdy. I've got howdy. Ma'am. Ma'am. With the hat tip. I got the Western, and then I've got the Alody. I've got howdy. Ma'am. Ma'am. With the hat tip.

I got the Western, and then I've got the Aloha. I've got the Hawaiian. Yeah. So I feel like I need a destination here. I'm sticking with my theme of cultural versions of greetings, and I'm going with good day, mate. Yeah. That's good. That's a good one. Good day, mate. Let's hit him with the good day. Good day. Good day, mate. Yeah. That's good.

That's a good one. Good day, mate. Hit him with the good day. Good day. Good day, mate. I mean, I would say good day, but I don't know if I can do it without. I had a hard enough time not putting shrimp on the Barbie after that. Oh, we are the worst.

Hello, culture. We are just going to characterize you into this one word. That's from Ace Ventura. That's where it's from for me. No, that's it. Well, no, I'm just saying that's- What, the shrimp on the barbie? Yeah.

Isn't that Dumb and Dumber? Oh, yeah. Sorry, Dumb and Dumber. Oh, man. That's embarrassing. That is. Busted. Busted.

Oh, boy. All right. So you're closing it out with Godetman. I don't know, man. I just went classic Jim Carrey and said Ace Ventura. Who are you? Shame on me. Shame on Godetman. I don't know, man. I just went classic Jim Carrey and Sadie's for tourists. Who are you? Shame on me. You a robot?

Good eye, Mike. That's it. By the way, as you might expect, I had a lot of very short other options. Yeah, what do you got? I have sup. Okay, yeah. I have hi. Yeah, nice.

I have yo. Yo is on my list. Yo is very good. I have bonjour. Oh, that's a good one um i i have uh the daytimes yeah i that would have been the other one i would have gone with morning morning times daytime no but morning yeah afternoon afternoon yeah those are the only three acceptable days and that's a strange could you have drafted a nod by itself the The hat tip by itself as a greeting?

I mean, I guess. I don't know. Well, isn't it different ways to say hello? Well, I mean, you are. You're saying it with body language. It doesn't say different ways to greet someone. Sure. It doesn't matter.

Don't get too deep in there. Otherwise, you're going to end up disqualifying. Look at what the cat dragged in now owl has given you a little bit of a perk here i don't know if you see he's this is probably how the the it'll go out for the poll he's given you exclamation points it has helped it's not just hey it's hey no it No, it's better. It's much. I'm looking at it. Hey there. I thought my list was trash, and it is, but it's not as trash. He spiced it up for you.

That was nice. I don't see exclamation points anywhere else except for hey there. Could I have gone with. Or. Or. Also has one. Could I have gone with oy? Oh, that's a good one.

I had that one again. Oy. Oy. I think that's a greeting. Oh, that's definitely a greeting. It's a word that has many purposes. It's a good word. What did we learn today?

I genuinely learned that you cannot swim in space. I thought you could propel yourself with your arms and your legs. You cannot. So if I had flippers on. No. Because you're not pushing against anything. There's no resistance. Did you think there was space water out there?

No, I just, I mean, I get it. Like, I understand what you're saying. It's hard for me to wrap my mind that there's, like, nothing. No propulsion. Not, like, gas that's expanded so much further out. But, like, it's absence. Yeah, it's like a vacuum. It's like the vacuum of space.

Mike, did you learn anything today? Yeah, I learned that I may be underestimating the future of batteries. That's fair, and you also learned the nuclear family thing. Yes, oh. I learned that you both don't really like space the way that I thought you did. That'll do it for today's show.

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Goodbye. G'day. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. Hello. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.