Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 227: Teleportation Troubles & Things That Are Green - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

On today’s show, we discuss important topics like naked teleportation, musical dreams, jellyfish stings, and lots more! To close out the show, Andy, Mike, and Jason take turns drafting things that are green! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Making a scene in my lean green mean machine. All right. Okay. Okay. Making a scene in my lean green mean machine Alright Okay I didn't like it I won't even pretend It's fine

I mean we're there You didn't crash land But you also didn't I never took off there was no flight i was a passenger on the tarmac for eight hours and then they said sorry folks they definitely back into the airport they definitely taxied you out to the runway oh yeah and back to the they turned the ac off it was 110 in the summer we're all all sweltering. We are now deboarding this plane. Oh, my goodness.

Speaking of that plane, a little bit of a current event thing, but did you guys see there was some unfortunate huge storms in New Zealand? And the airport got flooded. Really? The inside of the airport. And there were flights. So two flights, a flight from Dubai and a flight from Dallas. They were halfway there and they had to turn around.

So imagine, imagine. That's not a short flight. It's no fault of it. It's just, it's a natural disaster. What are you going to do? But imagine being one of those people you've planned probably for months a whole bunch of money to go to new zealand a dream destination for many for many many people when it comes to a vacation yeah you're five hours over the middle of the ocean and then the pilot's like uh sorry folks we uh we gotta turn around and then you fly five hours back yeah

a 10 hour flight to nowhere for nothing i mean oh man when you land on your right where you took off i was like i was so bummed for those people that would be the most helpless feeling too because it's not like i mean at least if you just landed where you were you're done with the flight right and you can be mad but this is like you get to wait yeah to be sad just drop me off somewhere right sir open the door just pick a destination land and that's where i'm vacationing now. Wow, that is a bad, bad break. I was talking to my wife about it. I'm like, we need to remember this because everyone has. Oh, when you have a bad flight, it's not as bad as this.

When you have a bad flight experience, just remember, there was two planes of people who flew for five or six hours turned around. I'm like, it's the ultimate. I'm going to turn this car around. I will turn this jumbo jet around. Did you ask if we're there yet? Wow. Yeah, that's a tough time.

All right, let's jump right in. Would you rather? Amy from the website, would you rather go for a three-mile run? Would you rather fly in a plane? Amy from the website, would you rather go for a three-mile run? Would you rather fly in a plane? Would you rather go for a three-mile run on a hot day in the sun or in the shade but next to a very stinky sewage treatment plant? So you're going on a three-mile run no matter what.

You're either doing a hot day in the sun which three hours that's a lot wait it's taking you an hour to run a mile it says oh okay i thought three hour run it's a three mile run my bad say that's that's really slow yeah that's that's like that's army crawling i really read three hour run okay that makes the hot day easier how long would it take you guys to run three miles? Do you think? Uh, probably 27 to 30 minutes. I'd say under 30 for sure.

Cause that's just lollygagging at a, at a moderate jog. Yeah. 10 minutes is a, is a, the pace I'm going to count just because I feel like the first mile will be good. And then the next two I'll be like

annoyed by the sun and hot and probably stop and walk a little bit. If I was running for time 8 minute mile? Yeah, maybe. Maybe get that down to 24-ish. Yeah, but you're not doing the third mile

in 8 minutes? No, that's why it's probably going to be like 25 to 30 minutes. Yeah, I'm going to give myself 30 minutes. They say it's like 15 minutes to walk a mile. Okay. So 45-minute walk in. I can get that down to 30. You can get it down to 41, 40.

Now, would you jog or would you power walk? I would jog. I would jog. I think power walking looks too stupid for for my taste but but you don't get nearly as winded and it doesn't hurt your knees and your shins one of the keys to appearance while running is if you need a break like you're slowing down and you need to you're gonna walk a little bit on like a street people are gonna see you is you have to visibly be doing something to fix your equipment. Like tying your shoe?

You got to be like tying your shoe or like adjust. It's really nice to pull out your phone and adjust like your AirPods or like act like something's wrong while you rest and then resume because you wouldn't have stopped if you didn't have to. Well, can your equipment be like your knee? Can you be like, oh, and then you're, oh, man, you got a good limp here for about a quarter of a mile? You want to bring a lot of braces and wraps.

Yeah. It is the absolute stupidest thing, but I can't be like, I've had a lot of people have had running phases. I had a running phase where I ran a lot and I would legit have those thoughts of like when you're, when you're walking and then a car happens to drive by like okay that guy thinks i'm a little i'm lame that guy thinks i'm in really bad shape like did you see me running i just ran for 10 minutes straight why why do we think of these things the person didn't even look at me it's and i'm like the world is all about me i'm so self-conscious this person definitely

saw me taking my break and thinks that that's a pathetic runner that's a hundred percent the feeling it's just human nature it's why when you take a group photo and you look at that photo you know who you're looking at right you're looking right to only yourself there's a bad photo no one else is looking at anybody but themselves everybody's fine no one sees you only you see you but But I remember being a kid, and I'm playing basketball outside my house. And it doesn't matter. I'm just playing. I'm trying to make 10 free throws

in a row. I make some. I miss some. But if a car drives by, oh my goodness. Watch these moves. Watch me dribble behind my back. They gotta know I'm good. I better make that shot. It might be a scout you never know right that's funny now the other option here then the hot sun which is miserable is a

stinky sewage treatment plant but you were in the shade in the shade i mean it's nice they say you got it made there yeah i mean that yes the shade is the shade is delightful the The hot sun. I mean, I'm taking the sewage plant. To give context. You're taking those gasps? Wait, gasps? Well, yeah, when you're out of air or running. I think you guys know what this is like. You've had something where there's something stinky in the house, right?

Maybe it's a bad. A good example would be like the chicken goes bad or something. You open the fridge, and that aroma fills. Now, it's awful. But what happens is within about three or four minutes, you have now gotten used to it. And if someone from outside the house walks in, they go, oh, what's that smell?

But you're like, oh, I thought it was gone. That's stinky chicken, though. That is not fluid. How big is the package of the stinky chicken? That's what, a pound of? Like when I go by the stinky chicken plant. I was going to say, it's like a pound of meat in a tiny little yeah uh previously sealed bag and how noxious is the situation oh it's gonna be bad i i i think we i think we as human beings we get adjusted to bad

smells no matter how bad they are we can but how but you're not getting like you ever miles have you ever okay have you ever visited uh one of a farm yes that's what i was gonna say is i've been to like a dairy farm yeah just oh boy you show up there and it's oh you're just it's it's miles and miles of cow poop say you know when you're close yes you do yes you do you're like oh you ever driven through the panhandle? I mean, same thing. Sorry, Oklahomans out there, but your place stinks. Someone's got to raise the cows. Your place stinks.

Your place stinks. You get used to it. And I think we're in Arizona here. When the context of you're out in the hot sun, it's different here. Sure. You're out in the hot sun. Is this Arizona sun? I mean, this is where I'm running. This is where I live. It's a're out in the hot sun, it's different here. Sure. You're out in the hot. Is this Arizona sun? I mean, this is where I'm running.

This is where I live. It's a hot day in the sun. I am not. I don't go to my car in the hot days in the Arizona sun. Running three miles, I won't finish the three miles in the sun. What month is it? We have to establish a month. August.

Okay. I think you're taking the sewage. You have to for risking death. It's that hot if you're trying to run three miles. It doesn't help that when you run, you need to breathe a lot. Yes. And that's bad next to the sewage plant. But again, three miles in the hot sun, that's...

I mean, I'm not dying in the Arizona sun in's i mean i'm not dying in the arizona sun in three miles i'm not but i am you're gonna have a really bad day yeah i've got the speed dial for the old 911 i mean it's because you need speed dial for that yes for the record i've got a short now function one i've been i've trimmed it down to two buttons. I'm like such an idiot saying that. I have a voice program where I say, hey, phone, please call me an emergency service. I need assistance. Thank you.

Yes. Saving time. That number is 999 over in Europe, by the way. They just stick with one number. That feels smarter. I'm sure we knew about it and we were like, by the way. They just stick with one number. That feels smarter. Yeah, I'm sure we knew about it and we were like, we will never. We will never do what you do. No, the king's number? No way.

Also feels like you could make a mistake a little easier, though. With 999? Yeah. Oh, like accidentally call it. Yeah, like 888? No, no, no. I'm just saying, you're sitting on a button

or something. Yeah, accidental 999 calls have to be higher than 911 calls. Yeah, it has to be. I agree with that. You can't accidentally. You can just hit three nines and then you're calling emergency services. If you're staying your butt dialing, you would have to lean, release the pressure, lean. No, I bet you can hold it down.

I think if you hold, isn't there something like if you hold nine it just calls 911 let's find out there's something on phones don't try this at home uh i'm gonna go stew i think i'll get used to the smell i'm going sewage plant in the shade if you give me i'll say october through april i'll take the sun. And then the other months, I'll take the sewage plant. I'm going to smell like a sewage plant if I'm running three miles anyway, so just put me next to it. Which one, if bystanders are watching you, make you more dedicated to the running?

The hot sun, right? The sun, yeah. Because then they're like, oh, now that's a man. Look at him out in the sun. Look at that sweat. Look at that sweat. Look at that idiot. Because that's what we all think. That guy's really burning some calories.

I do admit to thinking that when I'm driving. And there's people that run in the summer. And you drive by and you go, that's an idiot. Yeah, that's fair. Allie from Twitter, would you rather be able to play any single instrument you choose or be a masterful lyricist? Ooh, fun. I only get one instrument. Well, what would be our instrument?

This is a bad. So for Mike, he's got to get rid of the ability to play many instruments. Honestly, I would choose if I could be a master pianist, I would choose that. I would. Yeah, I'd probably go that way, too. You know, I'm already a masterful lyricist so just give me the piano and i'll be set uh for the lyricist are we talking like i did want to define these one of these people can i just write really well if you give me an amount of time or is

this the people who have the like like eminem or or liman well that's who i was going to my mind first lin-manuel miranda yeah i yeah i butchered his name but where you can just they give you a Or Lin-Manuel. That's who I was going to my mind first. Lin-Manuel Miranda. Yeah, I butchered his name. But where you can just, they give you a beat, and then you just go, and you tell a story that has a plot, and you rhyme. And that stuff, that blows my mind that people could do that. Yeah, I think it's both and. I think that just like those guys, you're going to win your rap battle, but you're also able to put pen to paper and make something even better. And that seems the more valuable asset.

Does it? Oh, yeah. I mean, because you could put that stuff into public speaking. Dude, rhyming? Rhyming is so powerful. What if there was a politician that that's the only way they spoke oh i'm like yes and like i mean like you'll you'll see some you know like some preachers they'll get into a rhyme scheme and you're like oh you just okay okay like you're getting fired up but you can only take so much rhyming is powerful you're not gonna do a a 10

minute speech that's just all rhymes. I feel like that would be... You've heard the poetry that's like, it's not necessarily like sing-song rhyming. Yeah, it's not Dr. Seuss. It's just like a longer story that all of a sudden, oh, there's the rhyme. Oh, there's the rhyme. Your rhyme schemes can fluctuate. You don't have to be the dog sat on the log.

I don't know how often I would be using my masterful lyricist ability on the reg man i mean you do talk for a living yeah but this is this isn't saying that i'm a good public speaker this is saying i'm a masterful lyricist for writing words to music that's fair so it's like it doesn't have to be to music. Is that not what lyrics are? Well, I'm saying, but a lyricist, it's the exact same thing as like writing a poem. A poem is lyrics without music.

It's got to be narrowed down to... A lyricist is a person who writes the words to a popular song or musical. Right, but I'm saying if you can do that, you can also write poetry. None of which will help you on fantasy football discussions. Right. Unless you're going to write, I mean, you probably have like a little bit every week where you do a rhyme.

Right, like picking a kicker or something. But I guess I do have. It would be incredible. I mean, so I already am clearly a master lyricist. Kyle, you are definitely masterful. clearly a master lyricist you are definitely masterful but i i if if i could like i guess what i'm saying is if i could just absolutely free form a rap battle and i was really really good at it i don't believe that i would go participate in those things i just don't care i wouldn't you would write a musical next week but if I could play the piano I would play the piano every day I would enjoy doing that like even if I'm by myself but

you're a musical guy wouldn't that be a dream come true it would be awesome to write a musical I mean that would be the one because I honestly think that that's one of the coolest aspirational things to ever accomplish because you write this you write, a musical, you're writing songs, you are directing, you have people come and perform your vision, you get, I don't know, everything about it. But if I was a great lyricist, I could not write a musical. You could write half of it. You're saying because you wouldn't have the music part?

Because I don't have the music. I can't come up with the music. What instrument would Mike pick if everyone else, every other instrument on earth is gone, you have one instrument that you're great at? You're saying that I can't currently play? No, I'm just saying like this question. Just you got one instrument you can play.

I mean, like if I could keep my ability that I already have as a guitar player and then be a master piano player, I would do it just there's so many aspects of life where there's a piano or a keyboard around like we weren't we had a company party and we got this this guy who works for us andy schneider and he's a tremendous musician he's a great piano player and we're at it's the end like towards the end of the party and he sat down he started playing and then everyone in the room just starts singing it's like a great time i mean it felt like a bit from a movie where when you see people do it on screen like that doesn't happen like that's so yeah it's cringy it's nerdy we did it yeah and it was a freaking blast it happened naturally like someone started started playing the piano, everyone's singing. Yeah, I'm taking it.

But if you had to only, like you had to get rid of all things you could play, because right now you could play a lot of different instruments, and you could only pick one. It would be guitar. Okay, yeah, this is more like that's the nuclear bomb goes off and you grab one instrument to save. You'd go guitar. Yeah.

It's easier to carry than a piano. It is. You ever carried a grand on your back no no i i'm taking i'm taking the music i'm taking the piano and i'm realizing that i think that if i was a master piano player i could write a musical i could do that with my current ability that is the of lyricism yeah i mean like if you take away the you get one of these things and you tell me right now which direction do you need to work harder at to accomplish your goal the not being able to play the piano in any capacity versus i could you know what i mean you could write lyrics try to write lyrics maybe you're not a master like if i had

all the lyrics right now and i sat down at the piano. Exactly. What's happening after that moment is not good. It's nothing. Nothing is happening. Ding. Ding. Ding. Those guys are good. Yeah.

I'd just be playing chopsticks and singing to it. Every lyric. Okay. One more here. Lee from Patreon. Would you rather explore a deep sea cave filled with glowing jellyfish or a hidden lagoon filled with singing mermaids what what come on lee come on would you rather see like a pretty neat animal that exists or a mythical creature that everyone has wanted to exist who has never been found because it doesn't really exist which one would you pick

i'm going mermaid would you rather see some beautiful birds or the lock desk monster oh man uh deep sea cave is cool but a hidden lagoon's cool so those are neutral to me and then i'll go with the singing mermaids. Deep sea cave. I'm also a little concerned about the jellyfish. Generally somewhat concerned as well being. I think you're okay. Cause if you're in a deep sea cave, you're,

you're covered in all of the, uh, the scuba gear. Like you're wearing a full wetsuit and everything. Can you, so if I, if I don't think you can get some, I can't get it.

No. Cause it's, I mean, it's nice. They're glowing too. Yeah. You can avoid them. You can avoid them. It's like, like scorpions. At least they glow. wetsuit, I can't get it. No. Because it's... Well, it's nice they're glowing, too. Yeah, you can avoid them. You can avoid them. It's like scorpions.

At least they glow. Because it's... I mean, it's a... I thought it was a stinger of some kind. I thought it was just like electricity. That's the eel. Hmm. Man, we got to figure...

And lightning bolts. We got to figure this one out. I thought jellyfish had stings. I don't think you can get stung through. I don't think so either. I don't think it's long enough. It's like a mosquito trying to bite you through a wetsuit yeah now if they were if they were like octopus that could like constrict you yeah that could still happen yeah it'll get you with that beat they can inject

venom yes from thousands of microscopic barbed stingers there you go yeah i think you're okay yeah just don't wear a thin version. Yeah, wear the armor. I always thought it was you get shocked by jellyfish. Really? Yeah, always. This is blowing my mind. So when you've heard the expression a jellyfish sting, like pee on a jellyfish sting, you figured that was electricity? You think it doesn't sting when you get shocked?

Yeah, it stings. I mean, come on. Okay. This question turned into education yeah um would you rather be able to teleport anywhere but only completely naked well yeah it's the only way you could do it or be able to fly but only while playing the accordion spencer wants to know oh man see at least at least this one is very practical and realistic um teleport anywhere but be completely naked that's a i mean that's a tough one that is really really tough because

teleportation has always been like one of my favorite sci-fi tech hope for the future whatever like that teleportation changes everything about the world but if and i could see a situation where if you could do that like the the biology of who you are can can be transported but not your shirt you know and it's like if that would be naked you're saying yeah you would be naked and then it's like well that would i don't want to teleport does your hair come with you oh that's well because your hair is i think so yeah otherwise your fingernails wouldn't come with you oh that's well because your hair is i think so yeah otherwise your fingernails wouldn't come with you oh that's almost like teleportation is impractical i'm far more concerned about this fingernail thing like i could i could make it through uh a few weeks of no eyebrows and no

hair and everything is this under the basis that you can only teleport things that are quote unquote living yes organic material isn't there like other non-living parts of you? Like do you, when you leave, does your like... I think it's just your hair and your toenails and fingernails. Is your poop alive? Oh, that's great. That means I've already... So you could teleport a poop out?

Absolutely. That means you teleport from one spot to the same spot, but your bowels are empty. That's what I'm saying. Where does it go though? And you're naked with no toenails or'm saying. Where does it go, though? Where does anything go? Where does anything go when you teleport?

I mean, to me this is easy. There's just piles of poop and nails and hair and clothes and poop. So it's left behind when they teleport. It's the most disgusting pile of anything I've ever heard of. So if you just teleport to the same spot, basically all your hair and clothes and poop

just drop to the floor and you're naked hairless. And I'm assuming it's very painful because you don't have nails at that point. Well, that is the real issue. You are hairless, nail-less. And I think this is what Mike was trying to get to, is if you didn't have fingernails. Oh, my. That is. You can't fix that.

You can't survive. No, you just got to wrap your fingers. Would the quick of your nails being exposed, would that hurt by not being touched? Yes. Yes. Air. Oh, man. That actually sounds like this is a whole new question. Oh, gosh. By not being touched? Yes. Like, air. Air. Oh, man.

That actually sounds like this is a whole new question. Because if teleportation just straight up existed, but that was the price. Then I would not teleport. You would not? No. No, no, no, no, no. You can't take your fingernails off? I mean, but what? I mean, I assume society would become, there'd be like a product for that.

Yeah, I mean, you'd- Like a gel. Yeah. At the teleportation receiving location, that terminal. The nudity terminal. I would imagine that they have some things to put your fingers in quickly. You just instantly put your hands in two big gelatin barrels. If you're always naked when you teleport, and let's say the nails don't come

off you just have to be okay walking a little while like just be 300 400 yards away from civilization at all time when you transport yeah but i mean you transport in the woods your chance of where are you getting clothes though exactly eventually you have to go somewhere that has clothes and that has people and that has problems getting arrested. I mean, if you can teleport and you show up naked. But is it a free pass so that you won't get arrested if you just say, oh, recently teleported here? Oh, of course. You give them the teleportation hand signal, you know?

I just TP'd here. I guess I wouldn't fear um being locked up if i could teleport now flying while playing whatever you can't yeah you want to arrest me bye poof i'm gone here's my hair my poop and my nails enjoy oh no they've got my DNA. I hope you got a mop. Oh, gross. Those three things are so gross. But now flying with the accordion, that would be just like, that's okay to me. That's fantastic. Because it's like instead of grabbing like a wingsuit,

you just grab your accordion and start playing and you take off. If you ask me, would you rather. It's weird Al flying. Would you rather fly? But he can play. Would you rather fly or would you rather fly while playing an accordion? Just that. I mean, I might choose I'd rather fly with an accordion. Because, heck yeah, man.

That's pretty fun. I think they're heavy. Well, I don't think that's a problem if I can fly. No, I'm saying it's not going to affect your flight. But you'll still have to carry the weight of it. It's got like a strap, right? Yeah, but aren't they heavy? And you'll look ridiculous.

They can't be too heavy to hold for a while. But you'll have clothes on. It's not like people don't play an accordion for a concert. Flying is kind of like... Oh, I've got to put this down. You know, accordions on average weigh 15 to 20 pounds. That ain't nothing. That's 20 pounds?

To have to fly around with that pushing down on your neck? I mean, you'd have to build up some, you know, accordion muscles. Yeah, you got to do neck exercises. I guess I'm going to take the accordion one because flying is like slow teleportation, right? Yeah. Straight line anywhere is pretty nice. Very, very nice. I will definitely fly with an accordion mike yeah i'll take the accordion

what's the difference between me and you? Me and you. Another edition of What's the Difference? Here we go. What is the difference between a colleague, a co-worker, and a cohort? A colleague, a co-worker, and a cohort. Now, I'm going to be honest. I have no real idea what a cohort is. It sounds like a group to me.

To me, that would be something where you're not connected to the same company at all. Whereas a colleague and a co-worker to me seem like, well, co-worker definitely is. But a colleague is someone who is in your field. Yes. But you do not work with them. No, you can work with them. You could, but I'm saying they don't work at your company. They're just, I am a scientist.

You are also a scientist. I'm at MIT. You're at some other university. That part's definitely true, but I'm not sure that it can't apply to in the company. Yeah, I could be in the company but it has to be you you do the same topic a colleague of yours and you are a colleague of theirs means that we are in the same field 100 without question that's that's what a colleague is if co-worker you're punching in at the same time with them right you guys same company you guys are my colleagues no we're your co-workers yeah we're your co-workers well sure but I're your co-workers. Well, sure, but we're in the same field. Aren't you a colleague of mine?

Aren't I a colleague of yours? I would say that some of our others. Sorry, bud. You're not a colleague. I would agree that. Brooks is not a colleague? He's a producer. I'm not a producer.

No, but in the broad scheme, we're all in the same field. Brooks could say he's. I don't know if we're colleagues in the same field like brooks could say he well so i don't know if we're colleagues in the same building i think because i think co-worker is a is a more uh is a closer connection colleague would be like another host of another podcast somewhere else colleague is like an acquaintance except they do the same job as me that's fair that's fair you're closer to a co-worker a co-worker is someone that you well you may hate them it's possible's fair. You're closer to a coworker. A coworker is someone that you... Well, you may hate them.

It's possible. Absolutely. But physically, you're closer. Yeah. And there is a certain amount of time that must be shared with that coworker. A hort is... Yeah. What is a hort?

Let's start there. Because it's like I'm a host or I'm a co-host. So if you're a cohort, you probably got a hort somewhere. Yeah. I mean, that's the step one is figuring out what a hort is. Well, I know it hears a who. It does hear a who. Right.

No. No, I like it. I like it a lot. Yeah. Horton hears a who. No, it's hort. Hort hears a who. Horton, that's what his mother calls him. Okay. Yeah, we call him hort. Like his coworkers call's Hort. That's what his mother calls him. Okay.

Yeah, we call him Hort. Like his coworkers call him Hort. I'm not sure cohort has anything to do with this question. That's the part that's bothering me. A cohort. A cohort feels like a bunch of people. Use it in a sentence. It's a bunch of people.

It's a bunch of people that work in a location together, but they're not related to each other. But that's cohorts. There's a singular. No. Yes. No, a cohort is a plural word. Is it? I've demanded.

I don't. I demand the cohort is plural. A cohort is a group. Get Webster on the phone. I've got it. A group of people with a shared characteristic. Yeah. Which we're not supposed to look it up.

Well, I mean, you looked it up in your mind. But yes. Good job. Wow, incredible. A cohort of civil servants patiently drafting legislation. A group of people with a shared characteristic. I think what we understand here is it's a stupid word. Yeah, let's get that out of here. For sure.

Banished. Basically, you have a colleague or you have a cohort of colleagues is what it sounds like. I just feel like colleague is more, I don't know, it's just an elevated term. I feel like colleagues are reserved specifically for professors of the same thing at different universities. Would a janitor? Yeah, one of my colleagues? Would he call another janitor a colleague? Yes. You're in the sanitation field. Yeah, one of my colleagues? Would he call another janitor a colleague? Yes.

You're in the sanitation field. Yeah, but everyone would chuckle. It feels like a colleague requires a diploma. Yeah. It requires... Otherwise, it's just a co-worker. Yeah, I mean, a colleague, I think you have to have some kind of education there.

Interesting. So you're saying, like, when you're a're like a cashier at mickey d's you don't have like they're not your colleagues over there colleagues no a colleague requires a diploma at a minimum there has to be a conference you go to with your other colleagues okay now there's not a conference there's there is no uh there's no cashier conference no not for the not for the fast food. Okay.

I think that's a big key because you've got to invite your colleagues to the conference. Yes. And everyone knows what a coworker is. It's someone you work with. I mean, come on. Yeah. Like grow up. Why even ask this question?

Speaking of why would we ask this question, what is the difference between a lawyer, an attorney, and counsel? Nothing. Oh, just full on nothing? Yeah. I mean, there's no difference between a lawyer, an attorney, and counsel? Nothing. Oh, just full on nothing? Yeah, I mean, there's no difference between them. They're all the same. A lawyer, an attorney, counsel's a group. Yeah, you can make the argument that counsel is a group of your...

It's a cohort of lawyers. It's multiple representatives for you. Yeah, I mean, it is a cohort of lawyers. I feel like a lawyer is better than an attorney. Now, see, I think the opposite. Really? I mean, I think they're the same. No.

Attorneys went to bad colleges. No. Lawyers from Stanford. Who's doing the commercials? Attorneys. Attorneys are doing like- Yeah. Those are the people

chasing after car accidents those are lawyers yeah those are accident attorneys yeah oh boom accident what attorneys attorneys are the people going after small accidents and and you know ambulance chasing they they got their degree probably online. And a lawyer. They've got really white teeth. Yes, yes. A lawyer. They're on the side of buses.

A lawyer went to school longer than an attorney. That's for sure. I know the phrase opposing counsel gets thrown out there, right? Opposing counsel would be all the lawyers that represent the opposition, right? Right. And then there's the prosecution. Well, see, in England, I think they call them counselors. No, those are people that you sit down who help you work things out. Yeah, like we all have big feelings.

We've got to work through some things. And they wear wigs over there still, right? Yes, of course. I think they do. Of course. Wait, do they really? No, I think there's some wig wearing. No.

Yes. We're still doing that? I think there's some wig wearing over there. Yes. Now, I'm not joking.. No. Yes. We're still doing that? I think there's some wig wearing over there. Yes. I'm not joking. For real? Yes. Is that because we look at people with gray hair and you're like, that person's old, so they have to be wise?

Is that why they went with the gray wigs? I don't know. I think it's tradition at this point. The people who are in their 20s, it's like a shortcut to gaining years of wisdom. who are in their 20s, it's like a shortcut to gaining years of wisdom. Like when Superman takes off the glasses, all of a sudden he is a superhero. But when they're on, he's weak and he's Clark Kent. So when I'm in my 20s and I'm an attorney, if I put the wig on,

people start giving me some serious respect. I feel like now you're a lawyer. Here we go. Here we go. In the UK, nothing is more British than the iconic white wig judges and attorneys wear, barristers are what they're called over there. Barristers? Like the bears? No, like the banisters on a set of stairs.

Many of the judges and barristers who wear wigs say the headpiece brings a sense of formality and solemnity to the courtroom. Solemnity? Thank you. You're welcome. Have you ever used that word before? All the time. Solemnity? Thank you. You're welcome. Have you ever used that word before? No, all the time. I've never used that. So wait, and they want uniformity.

They really still do this. Yes. I'm looking at photos. Because they think it makes them look more professional. It brings some formality to the room. It makes the, this is unbelievable. The ridiculous black getup doesn't do that? Not enough.

The robe? That's why I wear two ties instead of one. Okay, here's a question. Like, acceptable places to wear a robe. The courtroom. The bathroom. Your rooms. The spa.

The spa that you just exited a shower. Or when you're giving someone life in prison. That's true. How is this a thing? What is going on? You don't put any credence into the formality of such things? Of the wig? I don't know.

I'm just trying to defend the wig for a minute. I get it. Like if you show, it's like. It's indefensible. There is no attorney who would take the case. So would you say, and I know the answer, but would you say that like, you know, obviously for weddings, there's a lot of tradition in weddings, right? People wear the wedding dress, the wedding dress, and people wear formal tuxedos.

It adds something to it, right? Absolutely. It does. And these wigs, I think- Not that you couldn't be married in shorts and a t-shirt, but it just, there's a formality. You went through some effort. I think that the wigs do add quite a bit. But the official at the wedding is not wearing a wig from the 1760s.

No, because- That says respect me. Right. It adds quite a bit. I'm looking at pictures here of these barristers. Thank you. And- Seleminity. Well said said and it adds quite a bit it makes me

have such a lack of respect for every single person wearing it i look and i go you put that on your head this is a choice this is a choice you did this it doesn't i mean it doesn't cover the sides of their head you could see their hair under this no wig oh yeah i posted a picture mike you gotta check this out well i'm looking at a group of stupid people what i knew this because i watched a like a mini series a bbc series that had to do with people being prosecuted in modern day. But the barristers, as it were, had wigs. And I was like, this really happened. So no one over there in the, I mean, what are we talking?

They should make the defendants wear clown wigs. Just a big bozo afro? You have to put that on when you're up there defending yourself. And like, all this time after what hundreds of years i mean this probably goes back yeah i don't like pre-united states certainly like hundreds and hundreds of years so we're talking thousands upon thousands of people have done this yeah particular job and we had we haven't had one person with the courage to stand up and say, enough is enough.

Guys, guys, look at what we're doing. Do you know how powerful Big Wig is over there? Oh, man, they got a lot of money. Those factories, they're churning these out. I mean, where does one even get one of these? You know that there has to be high-quality and low-quality wigs, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, someone in this picture, in this crowd of the wigs,

has the budget version and gets made fun of. Yeah, because the curls aren't tight enough. I can see your fibers. Yeah, that's right. All right. We've got to get to the draft. The Spitballers Draft. Well, there's no draft I'm more jealous of, Mike,

for having the first pick in. Oh, interesting. There's a clear 101. Then things that are green. We are drafting things that are green, and I have a laundry list. Yes, I mean, I have a big list. I feel like there's a couple that deserve to be the first overall pick.

In your defense, I had no idea there was a 101 until Jason told me what it was. Oh. Well, then let's see if it is the same. I'm starting the draft out here. And look, it's about the Washingtons. Yeah. It's about the Lincolns.

Yes, of course it is. The Jackson's, the Benji's. Yes. Give me that cash money. There's no debate over what the 101 green thing is. It's money. Way to not blow that one. I mean, think of your day-to-day, though.

Because I agree. The first thing is it's green. Look, I live in America. It's capitalism. It's in my head. It's money. But we don't really use. What is the color of money now?

It's my custom credit card that's what money looks like now that's true i completely understand people have cash in your wallet you go what is this 1985 but here's the thing cash is green right yes cash is but when you say when you talk about the color of money it's green it's just associated with sure money is green and that's the clear one-on-one i went to a professional uh clinician the other day that did they wear a wig that would no no but they this this place would have worn them they would not accept any form of of credit or debit payment of any kind oh that's a red flag cash or check no no no cash or check nope been in business i mean that's an elderly woman and she has run it the same way since the 80s uh

attention irs i mean this lady is scamming you there there i was like she's like do you have a checkbook i'm like what are you talking about? What is a checkbook? Yeah, no, up, we go up north of here into the woods, up in a city called Prescott, and half those places are like cash only. It's like, what? This is, that was over 20 years ago. Yeah.

I'll give you an extra 10, but the fact that I'm up and then they've got atms in their in their restaurant where it's like cash only i'm like so you're telling me i gotta use my card to go over to that box to get the cash to give it to you because you're 3 you pay well no it's not just the three percent it's you pay for your breakfast you you know your family comes in you spend whatever the, the $50 to $100. And then they take your money and they go, you were never here. Yeah, you're right.

All right, money number one, Jason. You have the second pick in the draft. So since he's got the best thing, I'm going to go with just my favorite thing that's green. And it's a Christmas tree. I mean, I love the Christmas season. Give me one of them nice Christmas trees or many of them now does that disqualify the broad pick of trees

because that was going to be my first pick if you call it a forest I'm going to go with forest I think it counts what if it's a pine forest it's not a Christmas tree until it's cut down is that true? I believe wholeheartedly that it is not true those are pine trees And then Jason and I. It's not a Christmas tree until it's cut down. Yeah.

Is that true? I believe wholeheartedly that it is not true. Yeah, that's fair. Those are pine trees. And you cut it down, now it's a Christmas tree. So when people have like a Christmas tree, a mart, I don't know what you would call that. They can't call it that. They have to call it a pine tree. Well, no, they're not.

They're cut at that point. But I'm saying like if you go up north and it's not, if get to choose which one you're cutting down is that a thing that doesn't really work that way it that has to be a thing you get a tag you get a you get like a tag that you're allowed to go out in the woods and pick one out right but that's no you're not picking out a christmas no you're picking out a pine you're picking out a tree that's right and then you're chopping down a christmas a christmas tree so that in the advertisements can they say christmas trees that's what i'm asking because they know you're gonna chop it down if you watch closely as it falls it does change okay right when it hits the ground it does become a christmas tree

a tree falls in the forest so i will go with i will go with the forest i think trees are awesome all right i actually uh i've got a lot of respect for trees you know to cut them down put some lights on them. They're doing great things. I love trees. No, mine aren't cut down. I respect them. Yours, unfortunately, are just some.

Oh, dance for me, tree. I mean, mine's not real. Your trees are dying. So I'm going to go with the forest, and then I'm going to turn the table a little bit here. I'm going with Hulk. Yeah. I'm going with the Hulk. Okay.

My second favorite thing that is green is going to be the Incredible Hulk. Yes. I mean, his name. He's incredible. You can't even debate it. It's a good pick. It is a good pick. It was the first kind of character that I thought of that was green because he is so famously green.

But as I continued, there was a different character who is also green who is better. And so I am taking a little one. You got a big one. I'm taking Master Yoda. Okay. Yeah. He's on my list as well. Yoda is my 101 of the green characters.

Yeah. So I will take him here. No, he's kind of got like a decrepit green going on where he's- Yeah, he's faded. Heading towards the dead. He's a faded green. Was he a more vibrant shade in his younger days? Bio-luminescent.

Like the Yoda species? I don't know. Yeah, I mean, just go look at Grogu, right? Isn't he a more vibrant green? He's a little more vibrant, yeah. I mean, when the skin gets leathery, it fades. Yeah, the sun takes it out of him. The sun takes it out of him, yeah.

All right, so I have Shmani. Andy has the forest forest which is very similar to trees but not no not the same at all just a little bit different hulk and then jason went yoda there's when i was when i started going through it it was it was very difficult because it's just as soon as you start thinking of characters there's many yeah there's many green characters uh so man, do I jump on? None of them are as incredible. I know.

That's the problem. All right. I am going to start. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Well, because they're not as good. Well, just don't take a character then. All right.

Well, number one. Lettuce is still available. I would take spinach, but I'm not going to. First, I will take an emerald. Okay. Yes. That was my next. You got money and emerald?

Yes. I mean, I got my speed. Yeah, that's pretty cool. And then I got my shiny emeralds. Are emeralds worth money? Oh, yeah. Are they? Well, yeah.

I mean, they're rare gemstones, so they're worth something. But it's not like you're not making it rich. Does anyone have a basement full of emeralds just in case? I don't think so. All right. The emerald. And then we're going to go a little bit of a different direction because the color of this fascinates me,

of this food product. Can I guess that it's green? You can. Okay. But I'm saying because it is quite spicy, but you don't think of green as spicy. I'm going to take wasabi. Oh.

When that comes on the plate, you're like, what is it? When you haven't been introduced to wasabi and you get a California roll or maybe you're more adventurous and then it's there, you're like, what is this green paste stuff? It's got a weird texture, too. Yeah. Almost like Play-Doh. It is like Play-Doh, except it doesn't taste or smell like Play-Doh.

And it's insane to me how spicy this green food product can be. I absolutely love wasabi. I'm not a spice lover. I can't handle a ton of spice. I can handle all the wasabi in the world because it goes away quick. It's not one of those lingering. You eat a spicy pepper, and 10 minutes later, your mouth's still on fire. All right.

Wasabi. You got cash and emerald and wasabi. Yeah. Jason, you got a Christmas tree and Yoda. Classic combo. Yeah, classic combo. I'm going to go to a place that is beautiful. They are prevalent in the Phoenix, Scottsdale area. and oh yeah yeah i i it's on the list i hate being out on there because i'm not good at it but yep a golf course oh fabulous pick it was on my it's not on

my list but that's a great pick yeah that's why you go you're like oh man right especially in arizona because it's like everything is brown and dirt and dust and just death and desert. And then we thought, you know what we should put here? Yeah, a beautiful golf course that takes all the water. Look, don't worry about it. How is it so green? Stop asking so many questions. That's what you should do.

They cannot be good. Oh, that's a good pick. So Christmas tree, yoda and now golf courses i'm pretty delightful i'm pretty happy with my team i have i have a forest uh the incredible hulk and i guess do i have two picks you have two so i get to close this thing down you can go mold and one more pick you know it's tough because i have mold green i think it's associated with well black, black mold. Yeah, but that's like a big problem.

But when you have to specify that it's black mold, like a black diamond, that means that the default diamond is not. That means the default is not black? Right. Wait, I thought a black diamond was just a ski course. There's actual diamonds that are black? No, they're not. Black diamonds are just a term to describe.

A difficult ski run. It's a term to describe. A difficult ski run. It's a term to describe diamonds that were acquired via unhealthy means. No, that's blood diamonds. Oh, you're right. That's right. No, black diamonds are a thing. Okay. Really?

Yeah, they're bright red. Okay, this is tough because I'm worried about blowing it. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm worried about blowing it. Oh, so you're going boogers. could I mean I could go boogers I'd be very spitballers um I'm gonna go with uh sports fields so like a like a field like to play like a baseball field do I have to say one sport a football field uh yeah I need to have my imagination knowing where you are are you in a soccer field or are you in a football field?

I'm in a football field. Okay, there you go. You have it. Our football field's pick number one. Okay. And then pick number two, if I go with a character or not. That is the real question. See?

Now you're in my conundrum. So, this is brutal. I guess I'm going to go with the Grinch. I'm going with the Grinch. So many other green things. Honestly, I feel like a fifth round belongs in this draft, but I will go with the football field and the Grinch to complete my green things draft.

The Grinch was on my list. Certainly very green. Very green. He's a counterpunch to your christmas tree i mean you you brought christmas tree in the first round i need to counter it he's gonna try to steal it i say you don't have a christmas tree anymore because the grinch you're down a pick um all right so a lot of times when you think of green and when you look up things that are green and lists of green it's a lot of vegetables yes uh you got your lettuce your broccoli your spinach your whatever and and most all green

vegetables suck i mean they're healthy for you but they're just not delicious but there's one that i really like once it is changed from a cucumber into a pickle. I do like cucumbers, too, but I'm taking pickles. Yeah. Okay. It was on the list. Very good. Pickles. Gross, but Mike is not a pickle fan.

Not everyone likes pickles. It's not for me. It's not for me because it tastes like a pickle. Ah, yeah. It's been pickled. That's the hardest part. Well, it's not that it's been pickled because pickled onions. You like pickled things.

Yeah. You don't like pickled cucumbers. He doesn't like pickles, but he likes pickled cucumbers. He does not know what a good pickle tastes like because when he was a child, he decided he didn't like pickles and he has stopped. That's my opinion. When's the last time you tried a good pickle? Yeah, when's the last time you tried a good pickle?

Oh, really? Yeah. That backfired. Yeah. And look, you think when you order no pickles at a fast food restaurant, your chances of getting pickles are still pretty high. And it just depends on what. At least 80%.

Say, what is your trust factor? Do you look? Usually I don't. And then you just bite in and you go, oh, that's a pickle. And if you don't like pickles, they do have a juice that leaks. So you get a pickle leak. If a pickle just is put onto a burger and then taken off, it's still there. Yeah.

The flavor's there. And the problem is you're experiencing fast food pickles. Yes. And those are a crime against pickles. They are rubbery and hot by the time you're eating them. They shouldn't be cut. We should have a new name for them. Yeah. They're disgusting. against pickles. They are rubbery and hot by the time you're eating them. Cold pickles

out of the cold crisp Clausen pickles. And then there should be a new name for anything that's warm. Yeah. Clausen, not a sponsor, but I would love to sponsor you. You're the only pickle worth it. You want to sponsor them? I want to sponsor Clausen. I'm going to put an ad

campaign out. Just you wait. I'm going to put an ad campaign out. Just you wait. I'm going to bring a lot of business. My name's Jason Moore, and I love Clawson Pickles. I approve this message. Go to my website, jasonclawsonpickles.com. Get a super pack just for your enjoyment of pickles. All right.

So I am up. Final pick. And oh, nice. I have a lot of things still on this list, So I am up. Final pick. And... Oh. Nice. I have a lot of things still on this list, but we're going to try and pivot. We're going to go a little bit wild here with this last one. It's a little... What's the word I'm thinking for?

Metaphorical? Whatever. That's not the right word. Okay. Envy. Oh, you're going with envy. I'm going with envy. You're picking envy. That is correct because it is in fact green i don't know why yeah i mean the green monster but yeah but

when you're green with envy green eyed you are very very envious well said it's all clear now when you're green you're green, you're green. All right. By the way, that wraps up the things that are green draft. So many other options. The hard part was Kermit is so high up on the list. It's not easy being green. No.

But he's crazy. Yeah, exactly. Nobody actually likes Kermit. There's a respect level for kermit as like this king of the muppets yes but do you actually want to go and just watch kermit do anything it's like it's very much like mickey mouse like yes when you think of when you think of disney characters i know like there's going to be some kids who mickey's their favorite but as you grow up it's I think it's more rare that people people grow up and Mickey remains their favorite Disney character there's no way

Mickey or Kermit sell the most shirts of the Muppets or the Disney characters they probably do just because they're on the most of them yeah there's no way that Kermit sells the most shirts that's because there's that's because Miss Piggy's dominant and there's 10 muppet shirts sold a year luigi ah yes oh that's a good one i kind of wanted dinosaurs but we don't really know what color all of them are like the ninja turtles when you were picking pickles i thought you were gonna go away from the veggies and completely and go to fruits and go watermelon it's the problem is watermelon's red it's kind of like kiwi is green, but kiwi is brown. You know, it's like the outside and the inside are different.

Oh, because then you would have been stuck with the rind? Watermelon rind. Exactly. I ruled those two off my list because I didn't like that they had other dominant colors. I had a jolly green giant for the old folk that listen to this podcast. I love it. I almost tried to counter your emerald with kryptonite. Oh.

Because that's green. Oh, that would have been a great pick. But I went with the football field. That would have been way better. Yeah, I had grass. There's also different colors of kryptonite, so you would have to specify. Are there?

Yes. Not just green? Yes. There's different colors of kryptonite? If you Google kryptonite, it's all green, man. It's going to be green, but there are different colors because I think it's like red kryptonite? If you google kryptonite, it's all green, man. It's going to be green, but there are different colors because there's, I think it's like red kryptonite removes

Superman's powers forever. I think there's yellow. Oh, man. You're such a nerd. What a nerd. I barely know this stuff. I think I learned this from like Howard Stern. What did we learn today? I just learned that there's other colors of kryptonite.

Yeah, I figured you'd go there. There's green, red, yellow, green red yellow blue and white oh there's even more than i thought it's basically all of the colors we're out of ideas another kryptonite did you learn anything today mike i think i'm learning how to pronounce solemnity solemnity solemnity i now i know i learned that when faced with a decision of a mythological creature or a plain ordinary creature you prefer the yeah often you go with the mythological mythological one yeah pretty good pretty good also the the teleportation leaves quite the mess. Hey, tell your friends about the podcast. Thank you so much for listening.

We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.