Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 229: I See Stick Figures & Creative Ways to Dispose of a Dead Pet - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

On today’s show, Jason re-lives the recent tragic death of his son’s bearded dragon, Spike. We follow that up with a draft of the most creative ways to dispose of a dead pet. What more could you ask for? Don’t miss this one! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-bingity-bang-bong-bing-bong-ba-dingity-boop-boop. The Badingi in the middle? I said no it was fine man I thought it was really good You just felt like it was I didn't want to end with a boop boop

And yet I did I don't think you did I think you ended with a boop poop Oh did I? A boop poop? That's what I heard Boop boop We'll have I think you ended with a boop poop. Oh, did I? A boop poop? That's what I heard. Boop poop. We'll have to check the tape.

Yeah, I mean, that's a... We'll see what the YouTube, if you put the transcript up there, what it interprets my scat as. The auto translation? Yeah. That's a fun game. Also, how you doing, Al? Doing well, thank you.

Hey, welcome back. Good to be back. Fresh off of eight weeks of vacation, Al Borland finally back in the studio. Feeling rested. Yeah, I mean, that's a good long run. You may have only noticed him missing from one episode, but... Two. Oh, two of them.

Yeah. Okay, whatever. Because our efficiency actually went way up when he was out. So we got more done? Yep. So much more. Let me know if you need me to leave again. These paid vacations are welcome.

Yeah, I know. We did pay him for it. That was the mistake. Would you rather is this real life? And we are drafting, I think it'll be a funny one, creative ways to dispose of a dead pet. So I'll be curious as we go through that draft, just whether any of you have stories from your childhood

that relate to those circumstances i mean i i guess i could ask you now do you have any stories about dead pets oh they're they're really happy stories um yeah well i have i have a horrific um memory of my mother being in nursing school and so part of that was in a freezer in the backyard she had a dead cat like that she had to like yours no no not a pet not a pet i was gonna say this is such a classic tale of nursing school well no i think this was very common like for dissection or biology or whatever reason she did she know she couldn't bring it back she did the nursing had failed the nurse yeah she's a terrible nurse uh and she received the cat alive um and then was like well i'm just gonna keep it in the freezer um no but the reason i say

it was horrific is because you know if i'm out swimming in the pool or playing in the grass if that cat was out you knew it there was a wait very the cat was brought in and out multiple times yes to to work on certain to thaw last things um i don't know what she was doing i was not i was not she was a nurse i was not in her class because i'm i'm sure she was a nurse i'm just just hopeful that this was dealing with the nursing school. Right. But yeah, the smell. I didn't know there was a lot of thawing, freezing, thawing, freezing.

I didn't either. I thought it was more of a one-time dissection. And then get it out. Look, if it was one time in my memory, that smell has stayed with me. I can smell it to this moment. Yeah, and outside? Yeah, oh, you don't want that thing inside, Mike. Of course, I'm just saying,

the fact that you were in an outdoor area and it was still that overwhelming. That's what I'm saying. We lived on a cul-de-sac. We had a decent-sized yard. I was not near this cat, and it was, you knew. knew you just knew it was absolutely horrific wow yeah i mean i know that like a general story of a pet dying is not a funny story right i'm

thinking more of like the there's often those pictures of parents like you know the gerbil dies and they have to figure out what to do to replace it. They're like, do you try to – yeah, it's like a sitcom story that you'd see. You know, I did try to set a gerbil free once. Oh, back to their native land of the desert? To the habitat, yeah. And then – You're free. I did.

Run amongst the sand. Because to be – and it wasn't a gerbil. It was a hamster. And to be clear, shouldn't be pets. I mean, hamsters are the worst. I mean, just the stupidest, dumbest. They don't play with any of the things you buy for them. They sleep during the day.

They run in the wheel. If you're lucky, they run in the wheel. Mine didn't. I built them this huge, giant, almost like it was a theme park with tubes and all that stuff. They just sat in the small little cage all day long pooping. And then at night, they're awake. Yeah. And they're just trying to get out of their cage at night, so they keep you up.

Just trying to keep you awake. And then during the day, they're asleep or they bite you. I mean, that's the only thing that happens. I actually have a good story. I tried to set it free in the forest. So I have a story. And then I took it back. I don't know how this didn't come to

come to mind because this was like two weeks ago oh my this is a fresh new story oh no so we had a bearded dragon um that my youngest got uh a year and a half two years ago and it's grown to you know full size and um we had kind of gone on a little vacation. I make my son take care of him, and he doesn't do the best job, but I make sure he gets fed most of the time. You know what I mean? I really take care of him. But anyways.

How often do you feed a bearded dragon? We feed ours every day. And what do you feed them, bugs? Mostly worms, mostly meal worms okay so one night uh my my youngest was feeding him and he says to me dad i i think spike is dead and i was like nah he's probably not dead and so i go tuckered out it's just tuckered out so i go to the cage and tap on the cage open the cage tap on him move him a little and spike's dead and so uh that was real sad i uh you know my my son started to cry and because his pet had. And so I was thinking, okay, I've got to, you know, this was like as I was tucking him in, we went through that whole experience.

And then later when he was asleep, I came down to dispose of the body, which is, you know, what the draft is about today. I didn't want to touch him. What was the plan? Where was your disposal plan? My disposal plan was garbage. Not even like a shoebox in the ground? A shoebox in the garbage.

Very nice. I'm going to decorate the shoebox, put a little pillow in there. It's all tuckered out. But I didn't want to touch it. Not the freezer. No. I didn't want to touch them. I don't know why.

It just grosses me out. So I literally got a spatula. Oh, my goodness. A kitchen spatula. That you cooked with? Yes. A big one, like the barbecue ones. I wanted a long handle.

So I'm two feet away from him. You're getting a spatula spike up. I'm a spatula spike up into. Not even tongs. You just go to a spatula. Up into, well, the tongs were. A cast iron skillet, I'm sure. The tongs weren't long enough i didn't

want to be near this thing and so i i spatula under him you know gotta get under the legs and all that was there an inadvertent flip no not i didn't i didn't flip him like a flapjack but i pick him up and i bring the garbage bag over and then his head raises up and i was like oh my goodness he's not dead so i think he was because what had happened i just i remember he threw a living the reason here to drag it away the reason that we thought he had died was we we have like this this carpet and he had gotten under it and so you know they're cold blooded. So he couldn't get to his heat lamp. And he was like underneath the carpet where we found him. And so I just assume he like froze.

He was hibernating. And so I moved him on the spatula up to his heat lamp. And he's happy, healthy to this day. Wow. So there's an interesting Lazarus story for you. Thank you. an interesting Lazarus story for you. Thank you.

Would you rather? Jenna from Instagram, would you rather live a life full of joy and laughter, but with no memories? Or a life full of memories, but with little joy and laughter? What is life without memories? You know what I mean?

Like, you're living in the moment. You remember now. But, like, is that life? I think it's a little difficult because what is a memory technically? Like, memories. here you go well look look yeah baby because isn't that true because like would you you're not saying that the fact that you remember your kid's name that's not a memory you use your memory to recall his name but it's not a memory like i don't have a you're not memorizing some moment where you knew his name

it's like so i know who i am i'm just thinking that maybe you know who you are, you know who people are, but you're goldfish. You know, it's like you can't reflect on anything that's happened, which it'll affect how you appreciate things. Okay. I guess I interpreted that as you have no memory at all. But this question does say with no memories. but this question does say with no memories so i think it is specific to not not to being able to like have knowledge but just to be able to remember the good times that you've had right which ironically you wouldn't have because your memories would be a time you have no joy or laughter with your memories because all of your all of the events that happen would not contain joy or

laughter i think we have a circular problem where everything just breaks down for this question. Really? Yeah. How? Because if you have no memories and you have joy and laughter, I don't know. You don't think you'd appreciate the joy and laughter? In the moment? It's in the moment.

Like right here, right now. I'm not thinking about any memories. I'm just living with you guys right here. Now, not this hypothetical case but i'm not far off from no memories from from like i i have a pretty uh joy-filled laughter rich life that i just don't remember you know mike you have you know an elephant's memory you can remember how everything went down and all the moments and and bring them back up and then i can remember you know because i'm not this hypothetical situation but i really just i i let things go things come and they go and it's kind of like a goldfish i just don't hold on to those so but they're still there because there's the reason why

something can trigger that something can bring you joy and laughter is because you have built on memories i mean i guess there's some things that it's just like human nature of of like a little kid go fast you're like oh that's that's enjoyable but i'm like saying but like things that you laugh at your sense of humor has been built on your experiences over time i don't know about that completely. I'm just saying like we sit around the table here in the studio and we hear other people's stories of their life and we laugh and we have joy and they have nothing to do with my memories.

They just have to do with them telling me something funny. But we have context of experiences we have lived in our life that we understand why that is funny. Otherwise, it would just be a story. It would be you you would have memories but no no laughter or joy i think when i go to restaurants and i watch those tvs that are like chive tv and it's just a bunch of people falling down i don't need to have any experience to know that's funny i mean that's just that is really funny to watch people

fail at things that's why i think there's some things that are just natural, like just built into us as human beings. Going fast is fun. When people fall down and get hurt, not seriously hurt, but when people get hurt, it's funny. We laugh at that. My final answer will be the life with joy and laughter and no memories. Because I think ignorance is blessed for a reason. And I will be ignorant to the memories but if you live the life with memories and no joy or laughter you will constantly be reminded

a stacking amount of memories that do not contain joy now to be fair jenna from ig said but with little joy and laughter oh it's not no joy j Jenna, that's a big little. Well, here's here's the funny thing. If you are always full of joy and laughter, the barometer for those moments, you know, is is not. They aren't as valuable as when you live a hard life, but you have a few moments of joy and laughter. Those become even more special. Yeah, but I mean, we're all taking the way you got to have joy and laughter those become even more special yeah but i'm sure yeah i mean we're all taking the way you gotta have you gotta have joy and laughter aid in from patreon would you rather have to stay in school forever or never be able to learn anything new how would that even

work so you're just saying you the second you leave school you are capped on your knowledge is that how you're interpreting that al i think you have to make a decision today whether or not you're going to stay in or go back to school and stay there the rest of your life or continue to be able to oh so like i can live with the knowledge i have now i mean we're not learning new stuff anymore i would actively keep my knowledge now because that would learn anything i am losing information at this stage of my life. You learn new stuff all the time. Do I? You do.

You do. The person spearheading all of our company's knowledge on what is going on with AI, that's you. You are the one who is doing that. It has lit a fire of passion for you, and you're learning a whole bunch of brand new stuff and skills. And that would have been impossible. Do you want to know what the next social network is after, you know, right now TikTok is the newer one from Instagram? Well, you won't be able to learn how to use it. That's true.

Because this says you're either in school or you can't learn new things. Can I do remote schooling now? Like, can I do one class a semester no you can do remote thought about it you thought about it you can do remote but you still got to give i'd say three to four hours a day in school oh can i grow to the university can i be the old guy at the college party College life was absolutely excellent. It might have been the best of life. Your first taste of freedom. It is your first taste of freedom.

You are old enough to be considered an adult. You certainly know that you are. I mean, looking back, it's like, wow, we're little kids on campus doing stupid stuff. But at the time, man, you think you're really a mature adult, and yet you get to make all these mistakes, have fun. And you're still, when you're at a university, you're still insulated. You know what I mean? Right. You know know all the

responsibilities of the world they're not on you yet you know you got student loans paying for dinner so i don't you know that was the life so you're going to school if i can go can i be on campus at a university you sure can oh brother see you guys later i am full-time rest of my life college student it's funny because that like insulated environment is almost like the retirement home yes yes i'm retiring so it's so self-contained you got the rec center you also get to learn like the the way learning's fun it's there's something i think that is unfortunate about the way that our system is set up of like kids. We, we put them in school right away.

They hate school until the moment they graduate, they go to college or, you know, if they want to continue their education, some kids go to college. A lot of kids still continue to hate the education. Some just party their way through. Some learn some really good stuff.

And that's like, well, that's the end. I, I hated school. I hated high school. I just, all I wanted to do was get out of there. And then I was removed for many, many years. And I went back to college in my like later twenties and it was, it was, I didn't go to university. It was just trade school. It was awesome, man. Like I i learned so i learned so much stuff i was engaged as in uh like i'm learning something for a a trade or a skill that i'm passionate about and i like was on fire i was at school like i'm gonna ask you i hated missing school i hated and then when i would get home i'd'd have homework. I'm like, this is awesome. I get to do all these computer programs.

I was just curious how much of liking school just has to do with the fact it was your idea. You know how when something's your idea, you can get behind it? When you're a kid, it's not your idea. You're forced to do it. That could be. Did you care about grades? Which part? Did you care about grades or did you do it just to learn?

Because we're so true. When I went back. Yeah, when you went back. Yeah. I mean, I had the goal. I was trying to be valedictorian. I was. I ended up as.

Mr. Fancy Pants. I failed. I was the salutatorian, which is second place. Pretty close. First loser. But so, I mean, it was grades were important to me because I was the salutatorian, which is second place. Pretty close. First loser. But so, I mean, it was grades were important to me because I set the goal of I'm going to do the very best I could. But I just I loved learning new things that you I had reached that point in my life where school was acceptable and getting new information. But maybe maybe you're on to something of it was my idea to go back and maybe

that's why i actually think we are on to something with this forever university idea because if i can elaborate a little you don't pay student loans when you're in college right you know what i mean you just keep taking them you just keep taking them so you're never paying these oh no because i'm never leaving college. I'm for- And they go, when you die, they go with you. They don't get passed down to your family. They don't? Student loans do not get passed down.

I mean, why don't- What is the cap? What is the cap as to how many degrees I get, how long I can live on campus? He died with 86 degrees. I mean, that would be awesome. What's the record? What's the record for most degrees? Most degrees- That's an important question we must answer. degrees i mean that would be awesome record what's the record for most degrees most degrees

an important question we must answer were they able to pull that off entirely on student loans what is the record on student loans i have 62 million dollars in student loans i guess i guess i would rather learn forever and just embrace that environment i think you could live a good i've always been romantic i've always romanticized living on campus someplace because i never got to do it oh it's all it's excellent i was just off campus it was like the cool guy in the apartment near the dorms yeah yeah yeah you want to go to your dorm you want to go to the apartment so you were the gross old guy well i was i was a kid so i was okay now i would be the gross old guy. Well, I was a kid, so I was okay. Now I would be the gross old guy.

Did you figure out the record for degrees? It seems it's Michael W. Nicholson who has 30 degrees. I can do better. Yeah, if you live there, yeah. That's a lot of degrees. All right. Are we all sticking in school? Yeah, well, two thirds.

Yeah, I mean, Jason needs a roommate. Tyler from Patreon, would you rather be able to paint any picture you can imagine or be able to write an amazing song at the drop of a hat? Ooh, fun ones. So this might surprise you because I think the majority of people would prefer the music, would prefer the songs. I think it's maybe even a cooler trait to have. But the reason that I would love to be able to paint any picture you imagine is because of how incredibly far away from that I am.

Like, I don't know how to play the piano, but I could learn how to play the piano. I know that. You could learn to paint. I could not learn to paint. I could. Here's how I know it's impossible. I can't picture in my head what I want to draw or paint. So I don't need to learn how to paint.

I need to learn how to think before I can then learn how to paint. What do you see in your head out of curiosity? Stick figures. how to think before i can then learn how to do you see in your head out of curiosity figures i see broken ponies in drawn in sticks i mean there's nothing that comes to my head when i go to draw when i try to like if i'm gonna draw a football the football in my head i wish it was clip art i wish i could conjure up a clip art football in my mind what i am visioning what my visioning what i am visioning right now is a two-dimensional stick outline totally oblong for a football for a football now do you uh what size font do you think in oh when you're when you're imaging these things when i'm visioning um if i'm if i'm visioning deeply it's a smaller font size

oh really yeah it's like a eight a nine i get a lot you can still see that up there in my head yes now out in the real world no i'm gonna need some i'm gonna need a better prescription on these lenses you're an 18 or above. 18 or above in print, yes. Now, this is kind of an inside joke because Jason has always zoomed in his screen. Yes. He's always zoomed websites. He's always, when he'd ask me to make websites, he always wants the fonts about two font sizes bigger than my sensibilities.

What I'm curious in is, do you write in a bigger font? When you write a letter or you write on something, do you increase your penmanship size? I do not, no. Wow. Can you read your own handwriting? I can read my own handwriting. Do you hold it up?

I'm saying like it's too small? Well, let me think here. If I was right, I mean, I guess- Let me write something and I'll give you the font size. All right, give me a minute to vision think here. If I was right, I mean, I guess. Let me write something and I'll give you the font size. All right. Let me give me a minute to vision something here. Okay.

It's like a stick figure, but letters. Okay. Well, you guys talk. I'll write something. All right. Great. Now, Mike, which would you go with? The amazing song?

Like, I know if you put your mind to it and you sat down, there's no way that you would say, I couldn't go make an amazing song right now. So is that a reason to choose the picture or is it like i mean it would be the process is still difficult for the song right sure and it like i guess the process sometimes it's very very easy but sometimes it is extremely difficult and you sit there forever and ever and you're not getting anything done so if it if it's at the drop of a hat you're always creating an amazing song that sounds fantastic i'm with jason of of art is sorcery to me and i don't understand it it uh going back to the the choice of school because we're gonna you know cross-pollinate these questions here of course i did go to art school at one point after i had graduated and i'm still trying to figure some things out, which was my decision.

Oh. It was terrible. You flamed out of there? Oh, I don't know that I was there long enough to call it a flame out. I have to ask you then. Yes. So you went to art school because you wanted to be like a graphic designer? I went to art school because I wanted to make video games.

And you figured that was part of the path. And at the time, that was like the one place i could find and i may have mentioned this but i was there maybe two courses and i was just i mean struggling it's like i i've never been a visual artist stick figure level oh i mean worse and and then one welcome one particular project it's uh finger paints it no this was it was a pencil drawing and we had to set up just a scene and so i i put like a shoe and something else and i i worked hard on this and i was i was pretty proud of the results i'm like for me me, this looks good. So, you know, turn it in.

And the next class, everyone's getting their papers back. I get my paper back of my drawing. And it just says, please see me after class. And I did not see that teacher after class, nor ever again. Oh, no. What if they wanted to compliment you? No. The grade was on the paper, too.

Okay. This was not going to be an encouraging, hey, man, I've seen the improvement over the last couple weeks. So you had thought you had made great strides, and the result was a bad grade, and a see me after class, and you just saw yourself right out of that school. Brutal. I'm like, I will never be back here again. I am done with you, Mr. Teacher. All right, Jason, give me that font. I'm going to hand this to you and you tell me what font size this is for writing standards.

Is that abnormally large? Is that small? This is how you'd write a letter? This is how I'd write anything. Yeah, this is about 16 to 18. Okay, so i write in large font yeah that's a pretty big like if you wrote that letter to me i would not be sure it wasn't coming from a child oh fantastic it's definitely a bigger it's a bigger font we can

show the cameras here so i don't know if the cameras will be able to i mean the cameras can read it that's how big it is i mean you're you're okay your penmanship is your penmanship's pretty good it is thank you yeah no it's it's legible how did you guys do uh in handwriting to get Your penmanship is pretty good. It is. Thank you. Yeah, no, it's legible. How did you guys do in handwriting? Like the cursive and stuff? No, just when we got handwriting rings. Pretty good, pretty good.

Bad, bad, bad. Did you ever, what now? Like that would have been the reason I was held back. In the scale, did they have the different letter set? Yes. The best is an E. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Did you ever get an N? What does that stand for? Needs improvements. Oh, man. I think there was like, yeah, E was, I think, high S. Maybe there was an O for us. I don't know. But yes, at one point-

It was like, see me after class. At one point, I got the equivalent of like a D or a D minus on my handwriting because it was so bad. Very impressive. I will go with the painting of the picture. I think that that would be like if you knew some of the discipline of painting, I feel like it would be so enjoyable. I don't. But I struggle at I'm enjoying the process. And then you step back and you go ew yeah because they like the foundations

are like okay look at this object break it down into shapes it's just you're like if you look at it here's a cone and then randomly how do you possibly see these things it's just a horse that's all that what shape is this horse it's horse shape get out of here it's it's not a cylinder plus anything else it It's a horse. See me after class. Yes. Is this real life? All right.

We are hopping into, is this real life where we have each selected a real news story, something that has taken place, and sharing it with one another because we are blown away with the fact that this is indeed real life. Do we have somebody that would like to go first? You want me to go? I can jump in here. Mine is just kind of a quick one.

We like to keep the spitballers kind of timeless as of the recording, but I'll say the recording of this one, it's close to Valentine's Day, which is important for this story. So Valentine's Day, it can be a delightful day for lovers out there. You have couples, but there are people who their hearts have been broken and they've they're no longer in a a good relationship perhaps that relationship ended you know right around valentine's day well we have a uh zoo here and it's the san antonio zoo and they're offering they're offering a special Valentine's Day opportunity for people

for a $10 donation, which goes to help out the zoo. And, you know, zoos need money so they can keep on running. Can't keep zooing. Yeah, keep doing the zoo things. They will name a cockroach. What? The name that you would like. Oh, my gosh.

That has spurned you uh after your spurned lover yeah you can name they will name the cockroach and then feed it to one of the lizards oh my goodness so this is like a way of dealing with it this is awesome so you go to the zoo you write down you name this the cockroach your uh your ex's name and then you watch a lizard eat it yes and you won't you'd receive a digital valentine's day card acknowledging the support which you is there like a video of your of stephanie being eaten no i don't think there's the video of it but it's like if you want to then be extra petty you may send the valentine to said spurner and be like, Hey, I made you a roach and they ate you at the zoo.

Yeah, there's two options when you break up with someone. One is standard counseling. The other one is to go to this zoo and deal with it in a different way. Hey, that's great. I think that's hilarious. They have the vegetable route available as well should you not want to go fully to the bug. Plus, $10 is way

cheaper than counseling. Yeah, that's true. I love the creativity here by the zoos to keep themselves in business. Oh, but also then for $25, you can use a rat. Ooh, yeah. No, yeah, you can name the

rat after your ex for $25. For $50, do I get to feed the animal personally to, say, an alligator? That part I do not know. Well, that could be an upgrade. At first, I thought you were going to say for Valentine's Day you could pay to have

one of the animals named after your I thought this was going to be a beautiful thing, and it was so much better than that. Wait, wait, hold on. Hold on. There's an upgrade? For $150. Oh, let's have it. You can upgrade, and your donation, a personalized option, will create an individualized video

message of your cockroach, rodent, or veggie being fed to the animals. Yes. So you can't. You can get the video. That's an important part. I don't want to- Oh, that's hitting social media if if i spend my stories if i spend ten dollars or we gotta get in on this oh we should um but if you just spend 10 or or 50 dollars and and they say okay it happened you know what i mean like sure you just sound like a crazy person you're like i named the

cockroach after you and fed it to a lizard i want a video of this rat being eaten in your honor that is fantastic wow okay well um i guess i'll i'll go next mine is also in the... San Antonio? No, mine is local. Mine is from Arizona. Oh. But it is in the world of animals. So this is a very animal-friendly show today. We're considering the draft. We're respecting our lost friends. Our loved pets.

The headline reads, Police in Arizona warn against buying owls from strangers while on drugs. Wait, wait, wait. The strangers are on drugs? Yeah, who's on the drugs? Or the owls are on the drugs? Police in Arizona warn against buying owls from strangers while you're on drugs. Okay.

So you're on drugs. They are not necessarily warning you to not do drugs. They're just saying, while you do drugs, please don't buy owls from strangers. And what's funny is this was actually in a public service announcement from the Payson Police Department. Our tax dollars are at work. And so basically this happened from someone who was on methamphetamines and bought a wild owl from a stranger

for $100 in the middle of a night at a local gas station. Okay. I have more questions about the individual at the gas station with owls to sell than I may have for the methamphetamine. Yeah, I can understand it from the- The meth head? I mean, it's an owl.

You're going to do a lot of dumb stuff. You already started doing dumb stuff. You started doing drugs. I'm confused. But there's a guy. Now, please tell me it's in a trench coat. that's got five or six owls inside of my question is does the owl handler have the owl on person or are they just like pointing up in a tree they're like i'll get you that one i'll sell you that thing over there that's frank you want you want to buy a big frank up in that in that tree now hundred bucks now owl do you have any insight on this

as a as our resident owl in this studio i do not i i try to shy away from owl trafficking okay that's good the police in arizona want people to do the same they talked about how um it is illegal to buy wild animals, apparently. I hope whoever sold him this owl, like Mike said, is just up in a tree. And this guy is like, I want to buy something. You got anything? He goes, yes, that. That up there. You can buy this owl.

And unfortunately, the owl had minor injuries when rescued from. Okay, so the owl wasn't in the tree. No, no, no. The owl was in a cage. It was in a cage. So the person who had the owl was a butthole. Yes. I believe there were two buttholes in this story.

Well, interesting. We live in a weird world. And speaking of which, I am not sure I should share this story. Oh, perfect. Let's have it. Only because I'm not sure it wasn't Jason in this story. Oh, let's not share this story. A Utah man.

Okay, so far so good. Is accused of causing a wildfire by burning a spider. Oh, worth it. A Utah man has been arrested. Not really. On accusations that he started a wildfire while trying to burn a spider with his lighter. 26-year-old.

Oh, his name's in here. It's not Jason. It's Corey Martin. He spotted a spider while hiking in the foothills of Salt Lake City. Does he have a boot? And he decided to try and burn the spider. Now, deputies, they did find a jar of marijuana in his belongings, but he wasn't high when burning the spider.

So my father recently. Is he a utah man this no my father this last uh this last christmas bought for me because we we have like a cabin up north and i make campfires in the woods and sometimes it's hard to light them because it's windy or you know whatever and so he bought me this butane torch thing that is oh man it's awesome and it's really like small and handheld you can put it in your pocket but then when you push that button in it is straight you're hot you're like my face gets hot it's awesome if i had that thing on me in a hike and i came across a spider i don't know that i have the self-control to not just nuke that monster for the good and the rest of the entire that's the problem i assume this guy must

have had this butane torch because that thing would it works but here's the thing you're not you were not in your bedroom you're out on you're on a hike you can turn around like you could simply won't catch you you could shift to the right two steps and just go around the spider i'm on one side of the spider i'm on the other side of the spider exactly you are in if you're on a hike you are in the spider's area like if if you want this is why i don't do hikes if you want to remove all that's why and kill all spiders in your house okay i get it that's your territory but don't go out into the wilderness and be like i'm gonna hunt these spiders down they're not doing it they're just they're just spidering don't burn the forest down yeah i need to read the quote from the sergeant

in the case to end this story and he said, what led him to stop and notice a spider and decide to try and burn it? We don't know. There may not be a why. He might not even know why. What kind of spider was it? Does he even know? I don't know.

This is this guy. Unbelievable. It's quite the story. So he was arrested on suspicion of reckless burning. Did the spider die? I mean, probably in the wildfire. Yeah, a lot of them did. The spiders.

A lot of them did. All right, it's time to draft. The Spitballers Draft. Well, we'll continue the animal theme. Creative ways to dispose of a dead pet. I mean, Jason, I like that you shared the story of your thought to be dead bearded dragon because that is the predicament that I am picturing with this draft. The pet is now dead.

And actually, I've thought about this with things like farming. I was like, I'd be cool to have a bunch of chickens. I'm like, what happens when your animals die? What do you you do with them how do you get rid of them i gotta go touch we're about to answer those questions so uh look and it's i want a keyword creative ways to dispose of a dead pet okay because my number one pick i think could be framed as a way to honor the dead pet okay maybe to uh you know it kind of ties into what some people do in different funeral Could be framed as a way to honor the dead pet. Okay. Nice. Maybe to, you know, it kind of ties into what some people do in different funeral type of situations. I would like to take this dead pet and I would like to tie it to a balloon and set it free.

How nice. So we're going to let the little, give me a name for like a little pet. Frank, we'll go with Frank. Sure. Frank's back. We're going to let little Frank. I thought you were asking, I was going to let the little, give me a name for like a little pet. Frank, we'll go with Frank. Sure, Frank's back. We're going to let little Frank. I thought you were asking, I was going to go ferret. But it's Frank the ferret. And we're going to tie him to the balloon filled with helium.

Okay. And we're going to stand in the backyard and everyone's going to say a nice word about the smelly ferret. As he soars. As he soars to some. To the heavens. To the heavens. He's gone to heaven. and eventually to somebody else's no no no no no no like oh yeah it is my understanding that it just goes up forever into space there's a bunch of and then we'll be in heaven that's that's how that works

so i am going to i think this is amazing okay so that's what I'm going to do with good old Frank. I love it. Can I just say it? That's beautiful. It's the clear 101. It's touching. All right, Mike. I thought you were going to go with this one.

Okay. Because you were talking about you wanted to honor your friend who you've spent years with. And maybe while you're honoring them you you aren't fully disposing of them you are in fact keeping them around yeah this was what i was gonna because you're going with the taxidermy you're in in an action shot too whatever sure whatever their number one trick was that's that's the pose that is uh like if they're did they have the the beg could they Could they do that thing? Now little Rover's begging forever.

Yeah. See, I think I would take my Rover, and no matter how sweet, I'd make it have a vicious growl. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? Just like this is a tear off. That you never had seen. Yeah, exactly, because now he's a guard dog.

Put some new fangs in there. You could just leave that by the front door and any anytime that door opens someone is gonna crap their pants i know yeah oh you the taxidermied version yeah okay i was thinking you were just saying the dead i was like no that that's too far no i knew a i knew a woman who she was single and had her own place and she had tons of cats and every time they die she would taxidermy the cats and she had a whole wall full of them. People do this. Also, I don't know that person, but that person would be really weird if I did, huh? Yeah.

There are people that do it. All right, Jason. Okay, so this is very reminiscent of your one-on-one pick, Andy. It's something that I think is beautiful. It's something I would want to do. Okay. It's something that has been done for thousands of years um in certain cultures oh that's this was this was my first pick um i am going i thought

it would come back place this animal in a boat i'm going to kick it out to water it was my number and i am light that sucker on fire with an arrow of Viking funeral. It was in my list, too. It was the first thing I thought of. Goodbye, sweet prince. Yes. Wow. Off to Valhalla.

The best part will be when you take it to, like, a lake like we have up north here where it's very small. And there's nowhere for this thing to go but to the other side of the lake. And then you burn the forest down you really need to put it out on like a moving body of water right yeah the ocean but then i worry it'll just keep coming back it's like no no when does the tide go out all right so viking funeral that's uh that's special all right and now we're getting out with the hamster too uh you could do with anything it's a Yeah, well, you size the boat appropriately. This is when he puts the lizard on it and then halfway out to see you see his head move. The only problem is you would prefer it to be a larger animal for success rate of arrows. Oh, the arrow.

Because if that's a little boat, you're going to need a lot of arrows. All right. All right. My next one is far more practical. You can't always, you know. You don't got time. You don't got time to go to the ocean and build a boat and Viking funeral it. Sometimes you just got to dispose.

Sure. But it is illegal in almost every place that I know of to actually dispose of a pet in the garbage. You cannot do that. Really? Yeah. You can cannot do that. Really? Yeah, you can't do that. I knew that. Kids, you don't put... What are you supposed to do with them? Well, I've got the answer.

Who else to call the vet? A neighbor's garbage can. That is the answer. I'm going to sneak in the middle of the night before garbage pickup day. Oh, my gosh. And it goes in that guy's garbage can. It was totally on my list.

Because, I mean, that's the way. And, you know, don't stink up your own can. Very nice. Probably go down the street. Yeah, I'd walk. I'd take a walk. Maybe I'd take a drive. Well, then it's going to be in the car.

It's a tough situation, but just don't put it in your own garbage can. Got to find another. All right. A neighbor's trash can. Mike, you are back. You have taxidermied your pets. Yeah. So I will say we approach this draft very differently.

I do have one that kind of fits in here with what you're talking about. And look, we'll call this just, it's a problem for someone else. Because it's just right in a time capsule. And it's just going in the yard with a note that says, open me in 50 years. Oh, man. I hope you moved before then. That's a good one. It'll keep the smell, right?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Time capsule. It'll seal it in. Seal in the juices? Seal in the flavor. Oh, man. Fido's coming back.

I wouldn't put any other valuables in that one alongside Fido. I have to to make it a real time capsule. I'd put two time capsules. That's what I'm saying. I'd put like a CD in there, a USB drive, and Fido. This is what dogs used to be like. Okay. Wow.

Time capsule that. That's a good one. I have released a pet to the heavens by balloon. I'm trying to decide what the best route to go is. I've got some difficult to kind of get your head around ideas. Okay. High concept. Things that not everybody in the family is going to be in on.

Yeah. I got those too. Be a leader. I think the best thing to keep the family together in a matter of speaking, because when the pet leaves, it's an absence. So why dispose of this why get this essence out of your house when you could feed it to the other pets oh okay so they become one i see like they absorb the power yes are the as many cultures used to think you can say they're

still with us are the other pets in on this do this? Do you think that you can get them to partake? Whatever it takes. If you need to do a little extra maneuvering, I mean, maybe they'll just eat it raw. Now, is this like you're going to turn it into a sausage? If necessary. Oh, man. That's a rough one. And you're saying your whole family's not in on that one?

Not the whole family. Most of them. No, not even the pets that are going to eat there. I saying your whole family's not in on that one. Not the whole family. Most of them. No, not even the pets that are going to eat. I hope your pets are just like those big hogs that eat everything. That would work. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That would work.

Well, at that point, if it's a big hog, if that's all the pets, then just baking it up. I mean. Yeah. And now he's with you. Right. Right. This next one is more expensive. Oh.

with you right this next one is more expensive oh but not quite as difficult to swallow so to speak as the last one sure and they did it long ago to honor their leaders uh-huh and we're gonna we're gonna go mummification oh it's on my on my list. In a sarcophagus. Oh, okay. I didn't have the fancy sarcophagus. We're mummifying and we're putting it in a golden sarcophagus. No fancy tomb? Where are you putting the sarcophagus? Now you're just getting crazy. This is on display in the living room under glass. But it is, of course, your pet.

Right. So I will go mummification. It was definitely on my list. All right. We are back to Mike. Okay. For my next pick, I'll just start it out with, I mean, I got this idea from a movie. Maybe she was onto something in that Cruella DeVille wanted to create a coat.

Yeah. And what better way to never forget my friend than I have a coat, a fur coat. Yeah, that's really nice. Quick. Oh, I mean, well, yeah. I don't know what you have to do. Is he dead yet? He's dead. Hurry.

You have to take care of those things. But of course. But it needs to be prepared. So, I mean, I guess a fur coat. We hang them on the walls, but we don't wear them as often as we'd like to well it's pretty frowned upon these days to wear animals cats what that's not a you gotta have a lot of cats for a coat do you that's more like a mitten oh you know you just a kitten mitten yeah kitten so you're hoping that you lost two because otherwise it's really's really just like an oven glove.

And you really want a pair of kitten mittens. This is the darkest turn this podcast has ever had. Oh, no. Yeah. I would be smitten for some mitten kittens. Oh, man. Okay. That's a great pick, Mike. Hey, you're the one who brought up the coat. I really be smitten for some mittens. Oh, man. Okay. That's a great pick, Mike.

Hey, you're the one who brought up the coat. I really, really like keeping. You knew kitten mittens were coming out of that. I mean, Corella DeVille started it. You use Corella DeVille as your inspiration. Yeah, as my scapegoat. That's one of the problems. Don't use villains.

Scapegoat. All right. Okay. So I see that you guys are starting to hold on to these pets you're starting to keep them with you you're taxiderming you're eating them and wearing them right um i really want a taxidermy and unfortunately um you don't have it's been taken so i am left with pickling oh that. That is the way that I get to retain this wonderful animal in a jar preserving it. Can you pickle life?

You can pickle anything, Mike. You can pickle anything and preserve it. No. You know, it might have been better to just you know there's i'm sure there's other ways but my way is pickling and i think that it just stays in the jar oh yeah you don't want to open that jar there's a portlandia episode where the company is like we can pickle that and it's everything yeah it's in the jar like you know like the shrunken heads and stuff like that yeah yeah all right um okay the other one hope you're still with us oh they're still they're in on this Like the shrunken heads and stuff like that. Yeah. All right. Okay.

The other one. Hope you're still with us. Oh, they're still with us. They're in on this. I think our views are going up right now. Suddenly feeding it to your other pet seems pretty good, doesn't it? I don't think so. I think that is still far and away last place.

You're literally eating it. Okay. You're literally eating it. Okay. The last one, look, in the case of Spike, this would have worked very well. But in most cases, could backfire. Not a guarantee, could. But I think if you're quick enough on the uptick. Sure.

You kennel the lost pet. Okay. And gift the sleeping pet to a bad family member. So they have not passed on yet. Well, no, he has. I mean, I know that. Oh. But they are not aware.

And then you hit them with a, what'd you do? You know? Well, no, he has. I mean, I know that. Oh. But they are not aware. And then you hit him with a, what'd you do? You know? This is their fault because I gave you my wonderful family. Call animal control on him? Oh, absolutely. I gave him a, he was just peacefully resting. And then you have him one day. So to be clear, you are gifting a dead animal

to your but a bad relative right yeah i don't want to you know like cruella exactly if she happened to be like cousin cruella okay um and that she'd be probably fine with that but then you do blame them for killing it now again there is a situation here like if i had done that with spike i mean they just got a nice. They got an animal. So, you know, one out of 100 times, we're probably going to be wrong. And this is a real sweet gift. Other times, it's not your fault.

It's their fault. All right. Mike, you get one more creative way of disposing your dead pet. In this lighthearted jaunt through creativity. Through death. I mean mean we knew it wasn't gonna be a a happy-go-lucky draft we gotta laugh our way through yeah uh i don't know if you fellows remember this from a few years ago but this it hit the internet it went viral an artist went with this particular tactic after their uh their their cat had passed on. He took that cat and he attached it to a drone and he made himself a helicopter kitty cat.

What? Okey dokey. I don't remember who. Go ahead and Google helicopter cat, everybody. That was a real cat? Then it was a real cat. Oh, no. And it was a real-

Don't strap a pet to anything oh yeah no i mean that's just a helicopter kitty cat right that is i mean one last one last flight wow jason's face right now is aghast i mean they did a great job they really did good work it looks it's a taxidrome it's a taxidrome yeah wow cat cats away artist turns dead pet into flying helicopter there you go so you could just call anything art yeah yeah well you have to call all of this art well here's the thing here when they ask do you do you understand it no then it's art okay that's so then it's good yeah that is really good that kid in the mountain setting the fire to this that was art the scorp the uh spider fire no because we understand why he was trying to kill the spider yeah because they're monsters wow helicopter oh boy I'm looking at the pictures coming in. Here comes the helicopter cat.

Wow. What a terrifying. The cat looks like it's having a good time. It does. The artist did a good job. They did a really good job taking care of this cat. It's just it's on the prowl. I mean, it's flying with wings. This cat has wings now.

You're telling me. I want to go that way. Absolutely. If you can helicopter me. At your funeral, the casket opens up. He soars up. And fly out in a way. Up into the heavens.

Yes. I mean, 100%. Do not cremate me. Fly me. Over the people. Fly me to Fly me. Over the people. Fly me to the moon. Out the door. No one has any.

I'm going to need a bigger drone. You set them on a one-way course, up and away. Yeah. You put the controller away until that battery dies. That's right. You set the controller down and everybody just salutes you. The pilot just salutes as you fly out of your own funeral. Yeah, they all salute.

I think the whole congregation there, they salute. That's a different kind of funeral. That's better than the Viking one. You said it to the second star to the right? Straight on until morning. Wow. Well, I won't be able to top that. I'm just going to go with a pretty quick and easy.

This is the kid. The bus just pulled up. You heard the brakes on the bus. You just realized the pet is dead, and you've got to act fast, and that is obviously the garbage disposal. We're going to get it in. We're going to get it on. But, Rudo.

Because it's illegal to throw it in the trash, right? You guys told me it. I hope there's a goldfish. And that's how we're going to end this draft. It's a horse. What are you doing? You can't do that. Oh, man.

Oh, man. It's a horse. It's going to take a while. All right. What did we learn today? I learned Andy is a savage. What a monster. At FBI.

I mean, I just, I learned that I write in large font, but that's like, that's nothing. Oh, my goodness. I learned that the market for illegal owls is bigger than I thought it was. That's why we got one. Owl balling in the house. Any ways to dispose of pets we forgot there, Owl? I think you got it covered. Yeah, that's right.

Just throw them. Just toss them. Thank you for listening, everybody. Hey, please tell your friends about this show. I'll see you next time. Goodbye. got it covered yeah that's right throw them just toss them thank you for listening everybody hey please tell your friends about this show i'll see you next time goodbye listening to the spitballers