Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 23: Magical Spit and Getting Away With Murder - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 19, 2018

Some things just blow your mind when you find out what people do. Do you lick your QTips? Do people really do that? Do the Spitballers do that? Gross! On today's episode we help you out with more than just gross questions, we tackle marital life advice and a bunch of would you rather questions. Also, there is a Thanksgiving Meal Side Dishes Mock Draft! One of the three guys hates Thanksgiving (WHAT!?). This is an episode you don't want to miss!  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody? Jason. What's going on, everybody? It's that time. Monday. That magical, magical. It might be Tuesday when they're listening. Might even be Wednesday, Jason. I'm going to guess, if I had to take a guess, I know a lot of people listen on Mondays because the show drops on Mondays but i'm gonna guess that the person listening to this right now the person the one the one that i'm

speaking to yeah friday night oh boom your mind is blown friday night you're listening to it on friday night so there are people out there that spend their friday night exactly around listening to this podcast around Around the transistor. What I've heard is that Friday nights are supposed to be some of the coolest time. Like, Friday nights are the party night. So, yeah, this is what they chose to do. I'm imagining, like, 50 teenagers out

at what they call them desert parties. Mm-hmm. But instead of rambunctious things they should not be participating in, there's just a giant boombox. In the desert. And they're listening to this show. Three mid-30s men are giving life advice.

You're welcome. Mock drafting Thanksgiving side dishes. And really. Yeah. Oh, hold on, guys. I'm really into this. Taking their party to the next level. This has got off to a good start. Pass hold on, guys. I'm really into this. They're taking their party to the next level. This has got off to a good start.

Pass the water, pal. That Jason, he's wacky. Welcome to the family-friendly Spitballers podcast. I don't know why they kind of sounded like Harry Caray. Hey! Was that Harry Caray? Well, it was a modified. It was a teenager doing an impression of Farrell doing Harry Caray.

Welcome to the show. Hey. Hey. If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself? I know I would. Add spitballers pod. That was seductive. He has Will Ferrell all stuffed up in him.

Yep. Oh, no. Wait. What? Look, just because we're best friends does not mean you can use that kind of language. At SpitballersPod is the Twitter. SpitballersPod.com is a website that exists. You can find us on iTunes.

So wherever you're listening, we appreciate your reviews. I'm going to push this button now. Spitballers to the rescue. I don't know if you know this already, but all the questions on this show are stupid. Yeah. What? Yeah. Over time, I've come to learn that but that's what i love about them

stupidly important when using a q-tip in your ear this is from tyler do you lick it first before putting it in your ear or do you just leave it dry all right there's there's a lot to unravel here there's so much to unpack with this question. I'm going to start with this. The thought of putting a dry Q-tip, dry cotton in my mouth somehow really grosses me out. Really? That's the part that grosses you out? That's where I start.

Okay. But, Jason, were you agreeing with me? Oh, I couldn't wait. I didn't want to speak first because I just assumed based on your... I saw you react to this question when it came across on Twitter with just like a gross gif. Yes. And that's why. That's where it starts.

You want to know someone who grosses you out? No. This guy. Yes. You lick Q-tips? You lick the Q-tip? So here's the thing. Here guy. Yes. You lick Q-tips? You lick the Q-tip? So here's the thing. Here's the thing.

I don't... It's not a lollipop, okay? This is the... A one. A two. A three. No, this is... The lick verb is a little too intense.

But putting a dry Q-tip in my ears is pointless it is worthless if you get out of the shower and your your ears are already wet exactly then i can do it and and then there's a purpose a point it'll clean but if i'm if i wake up in the morning i want to put a q-tip in my ear and it's dry and i put it in i'm what am i what am i doing why don't i take the box q-tips and just throw them all in the garbage? First of all, I don't know if you're aware of this. You're not even supposed to put Q-tips in your ear. Oh, yeah, wink, wink.

Right. They've got the warning label, not intended for ear. What else are they used for? I have no idea. Yeah, exactly. Second of all, it doesn't bother me. If I'm not putting it in my ear, I don't see why licking a piece of cotton is a big deal. It's just the idea of something so dry.

Well, it's no more dry than any other dry thing. What dry things are you putting in your mouth? I don't know. A pen or a pencil or a... Yeah, those are good. Those are good. Yeah, but those are not made to absorb moisture. Well, sure.

A sponge. Second of all... You're putting a sponge in your mouth? No, I'm not. This is a point in your favor. Thank you. There's the other whole discussion of kind of the neutrality of your own spit with your own body, right? Like, your spit seems really gross.

Like, literally, your spit, Mike, seems disgusting to me. Jason, your spit probably a nightmare to me it's like your hair it's like if you found a piece of your hair or if i find a piece of my beard and my food i'm like let me get that out of there but if i if i find a piece of beard of my somebody else's in my food and it's slightly different like that could be mine could be someone else's i will I have to vomit instantly. So there's that question, too, where it's like, and then you have the mother-kid form. You know, moms or dads, they spit on a piece of napkin, and they'll wipe the face with it. Oh, I do that all the time.

So there's a familial spit bond that happens where all spit in the face. I mean, we share drinks. If I shared a drink with you, it would be really gross. What if you were a new listener? You just found this podcast today, and you're not sure at this point, based on the name Spitballers, whether all of our questions are, in fact, spit related. It's a very narrow niche.

It's very narrow. We have four listeners. Yes, but they are spit enthusiasts. Oh, they just love it. Here's the thing about spit. It is magical. Did you know, and this is true, that your spit will get out your bloodstains? If you have blood on a shirt or something and you use...

Only your spit. Correct. Because of some... Some magical property in your dna real solution there yeah i love this where is this information coming from uh this information is coming from the university of arizona uh semester one costuming class for this theater major who let us know that if you need to clean blood out of a garment hold on i like that you set it up like it was actual university information but it was actually just some dude you knew in a class no it was the teacher it sounded so good

when it was the university of arizona why do you think i was like that yeah well you said okay so he was an actual instructor the instructor teaching us how to sew costumes let us know if there's blood like i'm still calling they literally they were talking like if if you know blood is on there and it's and it's from the actor you need their spit to clean their blood stain out and we've done this at home my wife and i like it it's proven works it is actually true but back to the q-tip the question sounds disgusting because you don't want to lick a q-tip that is yeah that's the problem objectively a nightmare but this is a putting a wet q-tip with your spit in your ear by the way is my objection not the licking oh yeah i'm fine with that part if i if i could just go loogie style

and like i had dead eye accuracy i could just spit on it and then clean that way that's fine i don't lick i i do the i i do like a like a like a fish kiss. Fish kiss? It's the inside of the lips. So you're saying your tongue is not actually touching the Q-tip. My tongue never touches it. It's the inside of my lips. This is disgusting.

This is disgusting and you're disgusting. Yes, I am. First of all, I don't clean my ears out with Q-tips at all. Do you, Mike? Yes. What do you use? Nothing. So you I don't clean my ears out with Q-tips at all. Do you, Mike? Yes. What do you use? Nothing. So you just don't clean your ears. So I'm disgusting, but you don't clean your ears.

Actually, no, that's not true. I actually will use my pinky through a Kleenex. Hmm. And I will never wet. That's called a hole in the Kleenex. I will never wet anything. What are you, got like razor sharp pinkies there? I feel like if you push.

Or really cheap kleenex yeah i don't know that you must have some really powerful kleenex if you my ear hole is not very big that's true i mean it's just not really deep i'm not digging yeah well i'm with the cute i've been told that hey have either of you had your ears professionally cleaned no i've heard that that is a very good experience i have i have no idea what what that is where you go to get your ears professionally the doctor will take all the wax out of your ear with like chemicals because there are there are people who have really big actual problem yes with earwax where it will start blocking to the point of you can't hear

oh that because of your earwax sounds terrible my son has has had two times where chunks of earwax have fallen out of his ear during the day. Wow. Yeah. So I have used... Just fell out. Just fell out. I've used an earwax candle before.

Have you guys ever... I've never used one. Do you know what this is? Yes, I do know what it is. It's like a tube made of wax, and then you... You burn it and let it go in your ear. And then the flame at the top causes a vacuum that kind of sucks it out. You do not want to do that frequently.

No, because it took a lot of earwax out. See, I've heard that you don't want to do it. I did. I had a clogged ear one time, and I thought it was smart to have my wife put hydrogen peroxide in my ear. Based off of what information? The University of Arizona. The theater department. The theater department. The theater department, class one.

No, it was based on stupidity. Always clean your ears. I'm telling you when. So the way this was administered, she's sitting on the couch. I laid down. Head in the lap. Put my head in her lap. She poured the hydrogen peroxide in my ear.

And instantaneouslyaneously the earth began to spin in circle what i'm not kidding i had my ears clean so much sense my mother used hydrogen peroxide in my ears every time she cleaned my ears for years hydrogen peroxide hydrogen peroxide was used for all ailments when we were growing up. Also, it's dangerous. If you cut your knee, if you... Yes, if you have an actual cut, it's good. An antiseptic property. It's the bubbling.

Yes. Oh, it sounds amazing. In the ear canal? It does sound funny. Yeah. Yeah. Jason, no wonder you can't walk straight. I am boggled over here.

Here's a new question from Brian. There are two coffee shops near my house. My wife loves one. I love the other. Problem is my coffee shop is starting to slip and hers is getting better. Now I like hers more, but I don't want to let her know that hers is better, but I don't want to keep drinking my garbage coffee. This is a pride issue.

This is definitely a pride issue. You don't want to give in here and people don't know this in marriage this balance is tough right you give in here what precedent do you set for all these other areas of life i feel like if you say her coffee's better you're saying that you have no good opinions and she's right right and everything she'll be because she'll reference back to it she'll go yeah you'll want to go to the rest this restaurant she'll want to go to that one she'll'll go, yeah, but remember the coffee place? Remember the coffee?

Remember the coffee joint? This is going to be a tall task because you've got to be on your game. It's one of these days when you wake up. First thing you do, oh, we need to grab some coffee. Let's go to, and then you mention the place that your wife likes. Okay. And she'll say, well, I thought you liked. No, she'll say, well, I thought you liked the other place.

And then it's when the trick happens. You say, no, that's the place you liked. You flip flop it? So you have to be super early. One day. So that you're all a bit groggy. Right? So maybe you're remembering things a little bit wrong and the memory is flip-flopped.

Yeah. And you've got to lean in. You cannot show any weakness or signs of doubt. That's right. No, honey, you're the one who loves Braveheart. I love Pride and Prejudice. Remember that? What are you talking about?

No, seriously. What are you doing? So you might have to get up like an hour early just to prepare your mind. Yeah, this is the old switcheroo, they call that. I love that. That's good advice. Just for life. Anytime that there's a disagreement.

Slowly make the switch. And then all of a sudden, right when the moment happens. Wasn't that like a... Here, have another drink, honey. A Looney Tunes special. It feels very Bugs Bunny. Yeah. When it's like, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, yes, no.

Yeah, then you flip them. That's really, really good life advice. This is why people listen. And then you don't give up anything. Yeah, you're right. You get the coffee. And also, you found out that your wife's favorite coffee place sucks. Or, oh, I did, honey?

Oh, I'm sorry. Or, you grab cups from both places and oh, you flip flop until she's convinced that her place. Yes. You put the bad coffee in the place that she likes. This is over time. So instead, if you don't want to do it, it's a 100 percent in one day. You slowly convince her that you just keep putting the coffee, the bad coffee in the

good cup. That is such better advice. I think that could actually work. I mean, I was thinking. I mean, it takes a lot of work because you've got to do a lot of prep and you never attend these places. Or if you do, you encourage her to go to the bathroom while you do the flip-flop.

Yeah, that's what you have to do. I was thinking you were going to have to go tour de force on coffee shops and take off a day or two of work, go to every coffee shop in town until you find one better. Yeah. And then it's like, oh honey, you got to check out this new place.

It's even better than my old place, which was clearly great. Sounds like a lot of work. I'd probably just get divorced. Oh yeah. You just got to do the early morning. I'm just kidding. I'm leaving now this this one came in and i'm not buying it you know the authorities have been notified oh no you're not reading this

should i not this is a family show read it random question came in it said hypothetically okay that's what makes it all rightetically, if a close friend of mine happened to murder someone for a really good reason, but you couldn't go to the police, how would you dispose of the body? Or would you turn them in? Or would you turn them in?

Hypothetically. So, let me recap. Hypothetically, a friend of mine. Yes, me. Hypothetically, Andy. Yes. You had Hypothetically, Andy. Yes. You had to. I had to take care of somebody. You had to take care of somebody.

But it was for a super good reason. Good reason. Just the best. But. The best. But I can't go to the police. It's complicated as to why. You know. Probably because of the murder.

I'm guessing. The murder is the reason why. The murder is one of the top reasons why you don't want to go to the police. But we're close friends. You trust me on this. And I trust that it trust that it's for it was for a good reason and you trust that look at this point we can't go to the police help me get rid of this body because from what i understand without getting and we'll try to keep a pg level discussion on this right but from what i understand getting rid of a body is a much taller task than you'd think and i've watched

these documentaries like making a murdererer, the Netflix one, and they talk about the fact that people think you can go and just burn a body. But there has to be a certain temperature for a long period of time for a body to burn. Otherwise, there's evidence. Have you ever seen the Yahoo answers or just tips like that of like people saying uh i wish someone told me you couldn't cremate your pets in the oven no yes no yes no mike i cannot believe that's gotta be fake i don't know in this world it's probably not it's probably not fake there's always at least one or two people that have done everything that's ever been doable.

There are problems. Like when we've gone to purchase a new home and we've been house shopping, the number one main first issue is smell. You can't get certain smells out of a house. That's going to be a problem. Home pet cremation never comes out of the curtains. No, exactly. a house that's gonna be a problem home pet cremation never comes out of the curtains no exactly i i mean to me i need your help and we need to get rid of this but i need you to come up with a way to do it i think skydiving well i you are like weekend at bernie's like you just me and joe over here yeah no the thing is is you're not going to be able to get the body.

Oh, no, Joe, you're shoot. You're not going to get the body past the instructor. I think that's the hard issue. Oh, so we'll go Grand Canyon then. That's good. What I'm thinking is, because a lot of times people want to sink the body, but we're in a desert. There's no ocean, no swamp.

You got to float. You go on a hot air balloon ride. Okay? Okay. All right. And you just tie a little rope ski, and it goes up and away. Oh, you just let the whole... It's just dangling. Those won't go forever, man.

Hold on. You got to pull the thing to make that... The person's dangling? And then you just cut the cord somewhere midway through wherever. Because then it's like, oh, this isn't anywhere near where I live. How do you get past the instructor? Are you a trained balloonist? Yeah, I am the pilot.

So you have to buy it. So at this point, we're buying a hot air balloon together. Right. Well, we'll have to go in. That's not easy. Those are expensive. That's not easy for the police to track down. Hey, what one person bought a balloon the last year?

The police were looking bought a balloon the last year the police were looking for a balloon well when i thought the person i thought the body was in the balloon no i halfway through the flight i cut the corn yeah so this body has fallen from space for the for oh okay as the police are concerned i think i think we're gonna go to jail i think we're caught um we are not the master mind uh evil geniuses here yeah i mean transporting that body's the trick i mean you can't that's risky business in the trunk or in the i mean acid seems like a thing people do yeah how do you get breaking you gotta get, though, and then you track who bought the acid. That's complicated.

I don't think there's a good answer. I think maybe I just turn you in. Turn him in. You're going to jail, buddy. Sorry, friend. Mike, you got any balloon-related theories here? Or are you going to stay out of this mess? The only ways I know from the movies involve science acid.

Sure. I don't know what it is. Science acid. Well, that's why I call it science acid. Or large pigs. Oh, goodness. I've seen that more than a handful of occasions. So clearly it works.

Yeah, a little Red Dead Redemption there. Oh, no. Oh, no. Would you rather? All right, William from Twitter. Would you rather eat a meal that you hate, cooked perfectly, or eat a meal that you love that has been completely ruined? I feel like I need an example.

Can somebody lay this out for me? Like someone put pineapple on your pizza. Well, yeah, I will. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Here's the thing. I think this depends on each person, right? So a meal that I love completely ruined.

What this is, is we're talking about a filet mignon, a beautiful steak that is just charred on the inside. It is tough. Well done. Bacon. Yeah, it is well done. It is tough. It is like a bad burger that's tough to chew through. Would I rather have that or what's a meal I hate?

Oh, man. Some kind of like a salad. What's the... Yes. Sal hate? Oh, man. Some kind of like a salad. What's the... Yes. Salad. Yes, Mike. Oh, gross. The best salad?

Give me the worst. Now, what is the food that I hate that you made me eat on a bet once? It wasn't asparagus. Oh, that was eggplant. Oh, yeah. Oh, goodness. I think you might have had eggplant cooked perfectly. No way. If that was eggplant cooked perfectly... Well. Oh, goodness. I think you might have had eggplant cooked perfectly. No way.

If that was eggplant cooked perfectly, then the perfect way to cook eggplant is to remove eggplant and replace with snot. That is how you cook eggplant. You take an eggplant. That was unpleasant. That bowl was the most mushy. Now, Mike had to do that, too. I did.

We made a food bet with the fantasy footballers that these two had to eat. Now, these were separate times. No, it was at the same time. We had some friends with us. Getting most of that meal down was a feat. So, I think I want something I like ruined. Yeah. For familiarity's sake.

I'll be like, this is a really bad piece of pizza, but it's still a pizza pizza. I mean, a meal you hate, there are so many different things it could be. There's no way to fix sweet potatoes. There's no way to make them good. They're just horrific.

What if it's like sweet potato eggplant casserole? Perfectly cooked. We've talked more about sweet potatoes on this show than spit. What if it's like sweet potato eggplant casserole? Perfectly cooked. We've talked more about sweet potatoes on this show than spit, just for the record. Like the sweet ballers or something is better. Which, to be fair, we probably made a bad choice since one of those two things is very good and helpful, gets out blood, and the other is complete and utter trash. Have you ever cleaned your ears out with a sweet potato? Not yet, but I'm making a note here.

More uses than one. I think that would be the first good use for a sweet potato. Would you rather have a completely automated home or a fully self-driving car? Now, a completely automated home, lay out the rules of that. I think you really got to take it to the next level. Yes.

Because we're not talking about just, hey, it's not Clapper situation here. Yeah. We're not turning the lights on. It's beyond Alexa turning the lights on. You're controlling. Your door is auto-unlocked for you. Do I have that cool chef thing where it's got the robot hands? It makes food for you? Yeah.

They're working on that. It's closer to Jetsons than it is to now. Give me that! Your hair gets cut every morning? Yeah. They dump you in the shower when you wake up? When you pee in the toilet, it gives you all your vitamin readout. Ooh, very nice. You have the three shells? Checks for cancer, too.

Wow, this is great! This is an important realization. So, like, all that stuff or I don't have to drive? Yeah, but we should take that to the next level, too. I mean, this is fully self-driving, but, like, when you walk out front, it comes and picks you up. It can go, you know what I mean? Holiday parking?

Yeah. I mean, it's valet, basically. Yeah. Because you got the Batman where he talks into the... Shields on. Shields on. Come. Come here.

And that means you're getting curbside drop-off and pickup at every single place you go. You look awesome. Not only do you... Well, that's probably the most important part is how you look. Yes. That's pretty cool. I think you just... You might have sold me on the car right there because I'm getting out of this car.

And I'm in the back. Keep that in mind. Oh, chauffeur style. Oh, yeah. There's nobody in there because I'm getting out of this car. And I'm in the back. Keep that in mind. Oh, chauffeur style. Oh, yeah. There's nobody in front. I'm getting out of the back. Oh, I'm getting out of the back, too. And yeah.

And then every time. You know where I could go? I could go to Costco. Oh, and just walk out of the front? I would worry about how many miles away I have to park. You know what i mean what is the closest you've ever been able to park oh at a cost at a costco is it over or under half a mile it's right right around a half mile average line i remember once like how where are these people coming from my wife sent me a picture literally two days ago. She said, I'll see you tomorrow. It was a picture from the middle of a Tuesday or something

when you would think no one, everybody has jobs, right? A lot of people have jobs. Some people's jobs are just to go to Costco. She had like a 45-person line at a Costco. She just said, see you later. I miss you. I love you. I'll see you in a couple years.

Because they always have, they pick the absolute best times to have just two cash registers open. Get it together. I went to Costco this last week and I spent probably 20 minutes getting a parking spot. I had to drive every aisle until I went, okay, I'm just going. Until you turn into the creep and you're just following a nice family back to their car. No, I didn't do that. That can work.

That can certainly work. But the problem is you want to know where that nice family's walking? Two miles away. I mean, you're following them for a long time. I just went to basically to where our Costco is. I went and parked right next to the freeway forever. It feels like Costco should be treated the same way as public schools. If you've got too many people in a certain area,

it's a law that you have to put in another Costco. 100%. I've just started pulling up to the Costco and abandoning my car. Right. Tow it. I would rather just get a new car. Get an Uber. That's not bad.

Yeah, did I Uber home? Ubering to Costco might be the real trick. I have not thought about that before, but that is, although you need to get the XL. You're coming home with a lot of mayonnaise. But did you see, speaking of automation and this is another detour. I just saw that, I believe it was China, just came out with these 24-hour news stations where they have fully automated the news anchors. What? Wait. The news anchors are AI, fake news anchors. And they have lips.

Yeah, this is going to go well. They have lips that move. So it's not a mannequin. It's digital. Right. like so it's not like it's not a mannequin it's digital right but it's like a person but the lips move differently kind of than the person looks and blinking and they talk with a robot voice for 24-hour news cycles with the same anchor that is genius that's disturbing no that's so smart it made me feel like man you grow up to be a news anchor and you're gonna get replaced with a

computer program yeah we've all wondered what's all wondered, what's the next job? They disappear? What's the next job that technology is going to replace? Apparently, it's a news anchor? Standing and reading. Guys, we're next. Yeah, we are next. Podcasters are next. So final vote, completely automated home or fully self-driving?

Give me the home. The drop-off, always being chauffeured is pretty cool, but I'll take the home. I'm taking the fully self-driving car. Yeah, I'll take the home. You know how much extra self-driving car. Yeah, I'll take the hump. You know how much extra sleep I'm going to get? Yeah, that'd be nice. That's a fair point. Would you rather share a cubicle with a person who is always oversharing?

Oh, no. Or a person who is always overly negative? So you're in a cubicle, and so you've got the person that's like, I've seen these people on Facebook, right? It's kind of like a public letter to everybody what's going on in your life. You're sharing a little too much. You're crossing a few too many lines. The vague booker, but they're not vague.

Oh, vague bookers. Or you got the overly, oh, this drive. That drive this morning was, oh, this coffee is a little too, it's a little too dark. Let me ask you this. Jim just did this thing. Do these people. Oh, what's wrong with the printer? It little too dark. Let me ask you this. Jim just did this thing. Do these people... What's wrong with the printer? It's too slow.

Do they speak an equal amount? Yes. Yeah. Well, I mean, no, not necessarily. I mean, yeah, they share an equal amount. Because oversharing doesn't mean you're talking too much. It just means you're going like, oh, how was your weekend? Well, you know what?

And then you start telling stories about your life that are just a little too much. Oh, I know which one Mike's giving the boot here. At least I've got a strong thought. Mike can take the negative guy. He can't take the overshare. No, I can take the overshare. Really? I can take whoever speaks less.

That's where I was hoping to go. No, they speak identical. But if it's identical, I'm going to take the person who overshares. That's who you want. Yeah, I'm going to take that over. Don't you feel like you can tune out the negative easier? If you get an over share, you're going to have to be the guy that relates to the over sharing. You're going to be the person

that has to look at the mole you should have never seen. They're over sharing everything. I'm getting my popcorn out and I'm going along for the ride oh so you're gonna enjoy the yeah let's go she'll turn around she'll be like uh he or she will be like look i was on webmd last night and there's this rash and i i couldn't find it on there would you mind looking let's see it oh you're probably gonna die oh okay you So you are the actual negative person. You're both in the same cubicle.

I can't take the over negative. I can't either. I would have to take the overshare because maybe the overshare is a great thing. Maybe they'd knock down some lines or some walls. Maybe you've got a friend that's closer than what you have ever experienced before yeah hearing about their weekend escapades you're not they're not gonna be good they've humbled themselves in front of you to a degree where you know they trust you yeah just wait till they start talking about their spouse and their kids you'll know everything about them they'll'll know everything. Their boobie pants.

You know what? I choose the overshare over the silent person. I'll take the silent person. Is that an option? Yeah. You guys ready to mock? Yep. The Spitballers Draft.

We're jumping into Thanksgiving side dishes. I'm under protest over here. Mike is not a big fan of Thanksgiving in general because he is, in fact, dumb. Yes, that is actually the scientific word for that. None taken. I believe Mike's Thanksgiving dinner usually consists of jack-in-the-box. You want to be under protest. I'm under protest.

Spitwads out there, give Mike the business over his dislike of Thanksgiving. It is inappropriate. Mr. Oversharer, I don't want the negative person, is going to turn around and say, literally say, no thanks. No thanks. What could be more polite than saying, no thanks. No thanks. What could be more polite than saying no thank you? No thanks at all. No Thanksgiving.

That's what you say. Let's eat Jack in the Box. Yeah, I'd rather eat Jack in the Box than the turd they offer up on Thanksgiving. Oh, man. Yeah, let's go. I don't even know what he's going to draft here. Let's go. What does he think side dishes are at Thanksgiving?

This shows a lack of comprehension entirely of the whole entire day. Yeah, of the day, of the season, of food in general. Of friends and family oversharing their Thanksgiving. He has never had a friend or a family member in his life. He has no comprehension. He is alone. You know, is it possible? Let me ask you this, because I don't know how long your jack-in-the-box escapades have

gone on. I'm guessing it's been quite a while. Yes. Is it possible that you just somehow missed a real Thanksgiving meal? No. No. This is just a completely educated mistake on your part. 100% educated.

Now, wait a minute. Who has the first pick? Isn't this Mike? It's Mike. Oh, that makes me so happy. Oh, yeah. You guys are going to love this. Now, you can't pick.

This is side dishes. So turkey, ham, those are gone. This is going to be like sourdough Jack. Can I take that? No, you can't take. That's not a side dish? That's not a... Okay, potato wedges from Jack in the Box.

Why are you taking my third pick? All right, so let's hear what you got going, Mike. Then I'm going to take the... Because I'm just going to lean into it then. I know it's going to upset some people. Give me the canned cranberries. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, the first the canned cranberries. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, the first pick of the draft.

Oh, my goodness gracious. I freaking love canned cranberries. They are the grossest thing. I eat them. They're one of my favorite things. Yes. Because they are so familiar. I had them my whole life.

Now, do they call it the cranberry? Jason, what do you call it? It's cranberry sauce. Cranberry sauce? Yeah. I don't know why you call it sauce because it's gelatinous yeah yeah i mean it it's not sauce not about science cranberries well no because i don't want real it's called cranberry sauce if you buy it in the can it's cranberry so i want the the jelly yeah you want it to look like a can after you've taken it out of a can. Yes. No, if it can have the ridges, then it's even better. I could eat those for days. Those are great.

It's a great pick. You made a solid pick. The aftertaste of that nasty jelly tastes like metal because I'm eating a can. I can taste the metal inside of the can. That's vitamins. Oh, my gosh. It's the grossest thing. It's the equivalent to the McDonald's fry.

Nobody thinks those are good for you, but it's a perfect fry. That's a perfect cranberry. I'm all aboard. I'm voting for you, Mike. Excellent. I'll tell you what. I'm thrilled that I get the first pick in this Thanksgiving side dish draft now that Mike is... I'm pretty jealous of your pick because I know what you're

about to go in on. I'm going in on... If I'm being specific, and I'll put it general for the poll, but specifically my wife's world famous mashed potatoes. Her mashed potatoes are so good. They've got, like when she's whipping it all up, first of all, there's enough butter to kill a rhino in there. Yes. There's cheese that you can't tell once it's all whipped up,

but there's cheese, a little bit of sour cream. She's just got this recipe. It is unbelievable. Those mashed potatoes, I mean, I would eat them as my whole meal, and I have done that before. I'm not proud, but it's the truth. That sounds like you have just ruled your pick ineligible. No, I have done it before.

Because this is a side dish, not a main course, my friend. So just for the record, you've had it as a whole meal. I have eaten. You've had it as the meal. It's the main course. Not on Thanksgiving, but yes. Oh, okay. I got myself that.

Mashed potatoes, that's my pick. All right, and I am going to take my first pick is Thanksgiving gravy. Okay. You don't get it with the mashed potatoes because gravy. Very interesting. Gravy, technically, you put it on the turkey as well, and you put it on everything. Well, you have to put it on the turkey because turkey is dry and terrible. We're opening up.

You're saying that food from Thanksgiving is bad? We're opening up a You're saying that food from Thanksgiving is bad? We're opening up a whole other can of cranberries over this one. The main food? You can put your cranberry garbage on your turkey and go to Jack in the Box. Turkey is made to be eaten as a conglomeration of, you've got all the other sides

that I'm not going to mention because I don't want to give you picks. But you mix them all together and you eat them together. Now, this is tough. So I took gravy. Can I have two more picks? You get one more right now, and you will actually get three more picks even. But you are on the clock. This is really, really difficult.

Here's what I love about it, though. I can eat my mashed potatoes without his gravy. He can't just be drinking gravy. I'm taking stuffing. I'm taking stuffing. No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm taking stuffing. Yeah, no. Dang it. I really wanted stuffing to come back to me. Mike, you are the worst. He's the worst. All right, gravy and stuffing. Jason, it's back to you.

Just how big is your garbage can? How much of that stuffing could I put in there? You're not invited to my things, Ethan. The would you rather question has come true. I am in the cubicle with negative Nancy Debbie Downer over here just being negative about such great things. I am so upset about the stuffing. I mean, mashed potatoes and stuffing, that should be the first and second thing. Honestly, my wife makes the best stuffing in the world.

I mean, my wife's stuffing versus your wife's mashed potatoes. Your wife's. Oh, no. I'm not taking it yet, but your wife's pumpkin pie is unbelievably great. Your wife's stuffing, my wife's mother's homemade stuffing, and you listening at home, your homemade stuffing are all worthless. You cannot top stovetop. Wow.

Stovetop stuffing. So the man who betrays the cranberries in a can has turned to stove top stuffing because of what? Nostalgia and your love of it over time. You are a hypocrite. Mike just wants us to destroy ourselves over Thanksgiving. Oh, man. With stove top stuffing gone, obviously there's a lot of different options

here. Yeah. One that I think might get back to me. But I have to take it because while this might not be my favorite side dish, this is a staple classic, one of my favorites, of Thanksgiving. Like, I would choose mashed potatoes every day of the week. This one, not so much. But on Thanksgiving, I have to have a green bean casserole.

Green bean casserole is fantastic. Mike is over here dying. Are you listening to yourself? Now, I will say this. The biggest thing I have, issue-wise, with the green bean casserole are the green beans. The green beans are terrible. Disgusting. Oh, my gosh.

But I get it. Green beans are great. I get it. Mike, you get two delicious picks i am i'm literally looking at an article about uh the worst thanksgiving side dishes to take them all well i wanted i wanted to see yeah i was gonna take them but jason already took one of the picks oh my it is disgusting green bean casserole the people love yeah eleanor eleanor disgusting green bean casserole. The people love green bean casserole. Yeah, Eleanor.

Eleanor loves green bean casserole. Eleanor? Yeah. Eleanor Roosevelt? Yes. The vast majority of people love green bean casserole. Theodore, Franklin, Gene, they all love green bean casserole. It's a big hit down at the home.

Oh, goodness. Of course it's a great hit down at the home because it's a great hit everywhere. All right, Mike, you get two picks against your will. All right. I'll take cauliflower and rat poison. No, I believe it's called jello salad. Oh, okay. Is it like a fruit salad?

It's the mandarin oranges in the orange. I actually like that stuff, so I'm going to get that with my mix. So you are only drafting gelatinous items. He's drafting what he would eat. If he had to show up at a Thanksgiving, what he would take. Yes, exactly. Now, that was the easy one. Can you think of another gelatinous side dish

because you've got the cran the canned cranberries and the gelatinous uh jello salad so i i mean man i think you've cornered the market here uh oh can i get mac and cheese i wondered about that i i think that's an eligible side i'm gonna and i'm gonna take it i heck yeah let's go i don't know i don't feel like mac and cheese is a i'm looking at the 12 most popular thanksgiving side dishes ranked by the daily meal all right all right mac and cheese i'm not gonna do yeah honestly, I'm not going to do anything that stands in his way of embracing Thanksgiving because I need to get him on board. Yeah, it's true. Me coming up.

Me and the kids table. We're killing it over here. You are. Canned cranberries, jello salad and mac and cheese. Look, I got the I got the demo of like 12 and under. Jason's got 65 plus on lockdown. There are two items that I desperately want. 12 and under. Jason's got 65 plus on lockdown. There are two items that I desperately

want. So my strategy here knowing what I want is just to figure out which one of these two things will Andy not take. He'll probably take whichever one I don't. That is correct. So I'm going to take the one that I've already

spoken of because maybe that's already in his mind. I'm going with the pumpkin pie. I mean, pumpkin pie. There is no better. If you can skip the meal and the sides and be with Mike and still enjoy a slice of pumpkin pie afterwards, you have to have dessert if it's a feast. And if it's a Thanksgiving feast, you feast on pumpkin pie and Cool Whip.

You're right. I like pumpkin pie. It's good. Yeah, Mike, you could have gotten in on that. Yeah, I got mac and cheese. You got a Jell-O salad. Look, you're going to win because mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie are the essence of that holiday. I've got back-to-back picks.

I only got two things left that I even want. I'm going to take them both, obviously. both obviously one i'm gonna take buttered rolls oh that's a staple yeah you need you gotta have some rolls and then uh do you want to know how good bread is bread is it's spectacular just as a genre genre bread is pretty much the best of all foods. Anyways, continue. It's very good, yeah. Jason, you should write a little poetry book that's all bread-related poems. We could do a total just bread mock draft. I would crush. We could do a bread mock draft.

The last one, I know neither of you would take it, but it's a staple of Thanksgiving and people will appreciate it. You can call it whatever you want. It's a sweet potato side dish. A lot of people call them marshmallow yams or candied yams. Marshmallow yams. That's what you're calling it? Marshmallow yams?

Sweet potatoes with marshmallows. I mean, that's what it is. Okay, but I'm saying for poll purposes. Marshmallow yams. Okay. Yeah, let's go with that. Miami used to make them. Oh, I see what you did there.

Gravy, stuffing, buttered rolls, and marshmallow yams are my four. Jason and Mike, you get one final pick. Good luck with the scraps. Well, hey. Hope one of you go with salad. The two that I wanted earlier, pumpkin pie, and my other one is still here. So my four are mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, pumpkin pie, and I know you two boys like this, deviled eggs.

Oh, no. They're so good. That's a Thanksgiving food. It is. It's a huge Thanksgiving day thing. I have never been to a Thanksgiving that does not have a bunch of deviled eggs out there. I am voting for you now. Yeah.

That was the pick, man. What? Deviled eggs are the bomb. Here's the thing. Oh, they're great. I'm just. Every Thanksgiving I've ever been to has had deviled eggs are the bomb. Here's the thing. Oh, they're great. I'm just... Every Thanksgiving I've ever been to has had deviled eggs. I've never been to one without it.

Yeah. They're so good. And I know a lot of people like... Why are they so narrowly niched into holidays? Why aren't deviled eggs more part of broad American life? I think because it takes more work. Yeah. It's quick to whip up some mac and cheese, but with deviled eggs, you've got hard-boiled eggs.

It's hard to find them at restaurants. It's very rare. Restaurants specialize in making food for you. Why don't they get this deviled egg? I guess eating a pile of eggs is not always the thing that works well for a nice dinner. Deviled eggs should be revered by all, but a lot of people don't like the deviled eggs

because, I don't know, you're just, like you said, you're eating a good lunch. Would you rather hang out with a person that doesn't like Thanksgiving or a person that doesn't like deviled eggs? I feel like that's one and the same. I guess that's true. No, I love deviled eggs. Mike is finding out real quick in this whole draft that he freaking loves Thanksgiving. What are you talking about?

I like deviled eggs. You have three things that you like. They're fine. You like mashed potatoes. You just said you like pumpkin pie. Buttered rolls. You can't believe that deviled eggs are a part of Thanksgiving. I think we converted him.

His problem is he's going to Thanksgiving's, which apparently have just cran-cam berries, jello salad. What was your last pick? Oh, that would be great. And mac and cheese. Mac and cheese. This is not a Thanksgiving. He's on board. We're taking him. All right. Mike, jello salad. What was your last pick? Oh, that would be great. And mac and cheese? And mac and cheese. This is not a Thanksgiving. He's on board.

We're taking him. All right. Mike, your final pick. Seasoned curly fries from Jack in the Box. All right. All right. All right. Jack in the Box curly fries.

Thank you. You got it because you're a sad person, and sad people need grace, you know? Yeah. And yours is in the form of greasy old fries. So Mike is a depressing person that cannot win this bet. Jason probably won. But I'm pretty happy with gravy stuffing, buttered yams, and I'm sorry, buttered rolls.

Buttered yams. That would be good, too. Buttered rolls and marshmallow yams. If I finish higher than 10%, i think we should cancel thanksgiving i will never cancel thanksgiving i am an eater it is what i do what and i'm thankful what if i offered you a new holiday and this holiday is called christmas light oh okay all right and instead of good so far instead of of this ridiculous Thanksgiving holiday. You mean the day where we say thanks for things and be grateful?

The holiday that's based on a sham that we will not get into at this moment. But I'm going to give you a second Christmas. You don't have to give gifts because you don't want to be absolutely broke going through November and December. But just the exact same holiday as Christmas. To me, the meals at Christmas and Thanksgiving are pretty much the same. They're different. What's different? Christmas cookies?

Yeah, Christmas cookies are definitely involved. The main difference to me is that at Thanksgiving it goes turkey ham. At Christmas it goes ham turkey, which is clearly superior. Yeah. Do you really genuinely dislike Thanksgiving ham at Christmas it goes ham turkey which is clearly superior. Yeah. Do you really genuinely dislike Thanksgiving because of the potential sham of its origins? That definitely weighs into it.

That definitely weighs into it. It is not that anymore. What it represents now is being thankful for what you've gotten eating in a gluttonous fashion. You get the family together, you say thanks, and you eat food together. I'm sorry you need a day to do that. We are thankful in the right house every single day. What I learned is Mike is insufferable today.

What did you learn today? I learned a couple of things. I learned that Will Ferrell stuffed up in me. Oh, why did you have to take mine? Because I learned that Jason Moore is to Will Ferrell as Richard Gere is to Gerbil. Oh, my goodness. Well, then I learned that the University of Arizona first class of theater teaches all the sciences. Wait, you were the one who went there.

That was your story. Just learned it today. We should have been the ones that learned that. Sometimes you realize things late in life goodbye we'll see you next Monday goodbye thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast

to see what other nonsense the guys are up to