Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 230: Eye Opening, Artery Closing & The Best Foods To Put Butter On - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 27, 2023

On this episode, find out what has Andy interrupting everything with a loud outburst! We also talk about illegal ding dongs and an unexpected roommate. We close it down with a draft of the best foods to put butter on. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Blabbity-blop-blop, butter, butter, butter. Blah-ba-dee-blah-blah, a butter, butter, butter. Worst one ever. It was... You gave up halfway and just... You just stopped.

No, I didn't. It felt like you just stopped. Oh, no, I stopped where I was supposed to stop. A butter, butter... That's what it felt like. No, I gave you three. A butter, butter. That was... was supposed to stop a butter butter that's what it felt like i gave you three that was um

that's nice to have in there mike because we can always look to that one in the future as a bar that you should leap over no i i believe you'll look back and you'll you will realize what just happened and it was greatness blippity blap blap a butter butter butter yeah it well then you started laughing at the end because even you knew how both of us felt like it stopped early because you guys don't understand music and that's okay oh the artist um no i just laughed because i knew i had no idea what i was gonna to do. And I'm like, I'm just going to say the word butter a few times and we'll see where we get. I guess that leads into the fact we are drafting the best foods to put butter on.

Otherwise it was even weirder of a scat. Well, then I would have said the other thing or the other word. Yeah. Maybe like elephant. Yeah. Well, we'll do an elephant draft soon.

Uh, would you rather in life advice on the show today? Thanks for joining us. Episode two 30. And, excited to be with you. You can follow the show at spitballers pod on Twitter or on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, my space,

you know, the main ones. And yeah, thanks for telling your friends about the podcast, your friends, your family. Hopefully you're enjoying it. It's time to get it going. Yeah, thanks for telling your friends about the podcast, your friends, your family. Hopefully you're enjoying it.

It's time to get it going. Would you rather? All right, this would you rather question comes from Chloe on Twitter. Would you rather always have too much time on your hands or never have enough? Man, that is a legit philosophical question. Let's talk about the, I guess the reaction you would have to both of those situations today. If you have a day where you are so busy that you don't get to everything you want to do, or you have a day where you are just putzing around because you got too much time, you're waiting for something to happen. Or you have a day where you are just putzing around because you got too much time on your hands.

You're waiting for something to happen. Like the life that I live, I think all three of us live. We have three children. We run business. We got marathons. Oh, I thought you were going to say marathons. Busy, busy lives. And so when this question is read, would you rather have too much time on your hands or never enough time? I feel like I never have enough time.

And man, would I love some more time on my hands it would be wonderful that sounds so awesome but but i think it's too much of a good thing if you always have time on your hands means you're not doing anything you're like i i hate being busy you know but i actually think i love being busy. I think prisoners have too much time on their hands every day. Sure. But we would have the ability with that time to do things. If I've got time on my hands, I still get to choose to go live life with that time, right? No. So I have to do nothing?

Well, I mean, to be in a position where you have too much time on your hands yes you have to do nothing for some period of time i don't think it means if you're doing something constantly you do not have time on your hands no but the i think what jason's saying is hobbies if you pick up hobbies because hobbies are designed for when you have time to just i'm not saying you don't get to do anything i'm saying saying that at the end of the day, you've got too much of it. You can't fill it. Otherwise, the question doesn't work. If you're just filling the day with good hobbies, I choose that one.

Right. Because if I've got too much time on my hands, I'm going to find a video game. I'm going to play it. It's not time on my hands. It's too much time. Right. It's because it's like I never have time to play video games. But then if I'm playing video games all the time, that's it.

That wouldn't work. Because you get to the point where you are doing it and you get to the point where you are now bored because you've been playing them too much. And you're like, I want to do something else. I've got so much time on my hands. But you but you have the time to go do something else. That's true. But the biggest problem. Al, can you help Mike along here?

I mean, you follow me, right? No. I was more with Mike on this one. The question is not, would you rather be bored or be too busy? The question is, would you rather feel like you have too much time? I see what Andy's saying, but I don't think that is the heart of the question. You want to know why? It is absolutely the heart.

Andy is right. We are wrong. No, I'm explaining to you why it's the heart of the question. Okay. Both of these things are supposed to be putting you in a position where there's an advantage and a disadvantage. My contention would be if you just have as much time to do everything you want to do whenever you want to do it, there's no disadvantage to that.

That's just good. That's just a good life. Unless... So you're saying choose a difficult situation or a good life. I'm going gonna go good life no because that when you have too much time and all you're doing are hobbies you may not feel the fulfillment that like a lot of people get the fulfillment from work from helping like when your family's around the and if it's just like well i'm gonna read i'm gonna play video games

you do get you can't get to a point where you feel like this is trivial, I'm not moving forward with my life. The COVID pandemic showed people what life was like with too much time on their hands. Because everybody thought that they would have, everyone thinks it's amazing to be able to just do whatever you want to do, but then you got bored. I mean, people got bored of watching but then you got bored i mean people

got bored of watching tv people got bored of sitting alone in their house to play video games we couldn't do what we wanted to do though well not necessarily i'll give you an example prior to the covid pandemic years people would always say if I had, and by people I mean everyone, but especially me, if I just had time to work out. Right. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, oh, I just don't have time to work out. And then I had nothing but time to work out. And those good things I thought I would do, like those real healthy, productive, good things, if I only had more time, I had the time and the opportunity right i did not

do them but i think that that answers your question of what is stopping you from doing those things the answer is not time that's me it's myself i just my my problem now with my life of because I rarely have the extra time when you you look forward to it but then you're not uh that that muscle memory is not there so when I have the time then I'm saying you can't enjoy it I don't know what to do right now where my favorite habit is uh when growing up in my young 20s was video games and now i'm so far removed from them i think i still love them and then i start playing them and i'm like i don't love this like i used to yeah i don't know that i don't know what you can't give yourself over to them anymore because you right you have a mindset that's so filled with responsibility that there is a world where you feel irresponsible.

Yes. Indulging in those. At least I struggle with that. It's like, okay, I've carved out time to go play video games. Then while I'm doing the video games, I feel like I must be doing something more. I need to do something more important. Yeah. You know, we just did a draft on like the worst parts being an adult.

One of those things, one of the worst parts is the responsibilities. But those responsibilities might not be the worst parts being an adult one of those things one of the worst parts is the responsibilities but those responsibilities might not be the worst thing they might be the most fulfilling thing oh or it's like an addiction problem you're addicted to your responsibilities i'm addicted to feeling important why when you were 17 playing video games did you not feel as though you should instead do something that was more responsible because i hadn't experienced responsibility and you didn't really need to and you weren't staring down the cold embrace of death yeah i mean that too which is what we're doing now yeah i mean i'm looking right at both barrels look i got my birthday coming up you're to join my club. I'm past the peak. I'm descending.

I got it. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to not fall. The other one is, is obviously that you have never enough time. I, we just had a weekend with the super bowl where genuinely, I feel like I time warped. Like we were so busy for Friday, Saturday,

Sunday, that when we got back to do a podcast on on tuesday it was like it felt like it had been eight weeks we were just so busy that in some ways it was kind of cool it was kind of cool to be have that much activity going on and be a part of things but i feel like if that was my permanent state of affairs i would 10 years would delete in a in an instant. You'd be so busy. You would not savor anything.

And I like to savor. Yeah, I originally, you know, when you when you hear this question, I think I want more time on my hands. And then I quickly switched because I think having important things to do is important. This last weekend was incredible of all these events, all these, you know, no time, no free time on your hands. But then I am back to the OG because no time on your hands, like not having very little time, but like never enough time. You can't ever relax and have that day of rest.

That day of rest is needed. So I think we've got to have too much time on our hands rather than never enough time noah from the website would you rather find a human stranger living in your attic or 1 000 roaches living in your attic which this question is wonderful oh man so let's uh let's put you in that house where you were pulling down the attic, you know, and you poke the head up there. And you just go, oh, hey. And there's a human.

Hello there. What's up? Now, I'm, at first, like, the reaction to it is very comedic, but I think I'm very much taking the human. Oh, what? Really? No. Yes, easily.

Wow. I've got a good reason for it, too. Okay. Very easy to dispose of. Simple. I'm not, and again, this is a- Dispose of? To eradicate. This is to eradicate?

To eradicate. To exterminate. Listen, if I ask a thousand roaches to kindly step off my property via police, they will not oblige. If I ask a human to depart, they will be forced off the property. It will be over. I do not have an infestation. I mean, I have a story to tell people, but they're gone.

But how, okay, how long has that person been there? I will not be paying attention to such details. You definitely will. You will remove the person, and then multiple days later, you'll be laying in your bed going, wait a minute. How long has that person been there? I did legitimately, and I'm not kidding. I just listened to a true crime podcast where a person found a crawl space

in a home, lived there, and would get up at night. And steal the food? And walk around at night. And the wife would tell the husband, she hears things. The husband was so furious with the wife for saying, everything's locked,

everything's fine. Or sometimes the doors would get opened and then they'd blame the wife for leaving them unlocked, or the husband. Anyways, they were living there a long time but the calls coming from inside the house i just feel like from the moment of discovery i the problem being fixed is easier with the human the problem okay okay but

now let's say that it's a tough situation getting rid of cockroaches i would imagine is hard i i'm pretty sure nuclear war won't do that right that being said when i get the cockroaches, I would imagine, is hard. I'm pretty sure nuclear war won't do that. Right. That being said, when I get the cockroaches out of my house through that difficult time, I don't worry at all, ever at night, that they might come back and murder me for kicking them out of their home. Whereas a human is like, that's scary. This person was living there and now I murder you though i evicted them that's

true he or she well he or she uh we're equal we're for for burglar for what do you what do you even call that let's be honest a burglar let's just be honest there's only got to be some weird man living oh yeah yeah we know they've never caught a so yeah we are the ones who do the terrible things but But it's... Yeah, what do you call that? A person who is illegally living inside your house. Yeah, but while you're there. So it's not like even a squatter's rights

and they're squatting on your property claiming it as their own. Trespasser. Yeah. But I'm saying... I agree. A roommate. A roommate.

Yes, thanks, Al. Getting rid of the roaches is going to be a whole ordeal and i mean that means i have to call an exterminator i guess i have to call somebody either way but the removal of the roaches will take a while but then they'll be gone but there's just there's there's the mental aspect of there was a person so that would haunt you a little bit oh Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think it would. See, when they're gone, I'd just be like, they're gone.

I'm not haunted. Okay. So you're telling me that you don't want to live with the ramifications of thinking that what did they see? What did they do? Exactly. Okay. That's fair.

That's why it's a would you rather question. Yeah. Like I moved into a house where, you know, they had like a camera system set up. And so I just inherited that in the attic though i bet no no but i still like you know i still have questions like can they i don't know because they're a human being like i want to be able to you know as you said to dispose of you can outsmart a cockroach yeah i want to be able to just uh murder whatever's in my attic you want to be permitted to do that i could do that with the cockroach i uh i cannot murder the

strain the human stranger as it was now al saying that he would his wife would force a move yeah i either way she would never be able to sleep in a house hold on let me understand let me give you more details and see if it stays the same and then we'll move on you find somebody living up there but it's like it's a person who's like in need right they're not trying to violate anything they've got like a sleeping bag up there and some food and it's like a 12 year old boy okay wow he's run away is it a girl it's 12 year old girl she's she she ran away uh after you know she was left homeless her parents it was a horrific thing um i was like how deep are you need to go on this and she was born on and she she's a zebra she found her way to your attic stayed there and now she's found is your your wife going to make you move? Yes. Because this human may have a story like that,

but the next human, now that she knows it's a possibility for a human to live in our attic, she would be. Wait, but all of the houses you'd move into would have addicts. You just put really, really big mouse traps up there. Would she make you move into an attic free home?

I believe those are called bear traps. Just one that's never had an intruder before. Just a glass house? So you can see everything? It's next door. Yeah, this will help. Does it change if the person- Yeah, you guys want to switch houses?

No reason. Does it change if they stay there for one night? You knew it was one night? Would you be moving if it was one night? Probably, yeah. Wow. One night. I'm getting a deal on that house.

If you know for sure. Don't bother me at all. If you know for sure, but I don't know. Can you really know? No, you can't know. They can lie. It's not a cockroach. It's a human.

They got one of those things on the wall where you scratch the days, and there's only one scratch. All right. Moving on. Andy from Patreon. Oh, I like your name would you rather know every negative thing ever said about you but not who said it or know every one who has said negative things about you but not know what they are oh this is brutal both are torture chambers yes i

mean this is bad one is the internet though the first one's the internet and we already lived this world sure there is there is something good to knowing all the bad thoughts people have had and i you know we we put out a survey for our company for feedback and you know when you're asking for that you're going to get a lot of different negative feedback of oh i want you to change this or talk about this or stop talking about this and so you get a lot of negativity but it can be constructive some of it's just stupid but it could be constructive if you heard everything bad about you and and you don't know who's saying it but you get the thousands upon thousands of negative pieces of of comments or thoughts thought about you and all of a sudden you go oh there's a

lot of these saying that i'm very selfish like all of a sudden it's like wow they're i don't know who but a lot of different times people think man i am really selfish or man i'm really a jerk it might surprise you and it might be constructive and helpful and you get to choose who you think is saying it i you know what i mean like the other one it's not i mean you let me put it this way we are we have uh a large social media presence for our two shows so you've you've had people openly criticize you for a variety of things on the internet for eight years how many of those have been genuinely and i this i could be completely wrong how many have been things that you have gone home at the

end of the day and said i need to change that about myself if i'm thinking through everything i can remember none let's say the the example you were laying out was like how do we improve a product it wasn't you have a stupid face yeah or like yeah i mean you're like hey this part of your show could be different i guess i'm just because you don't know those people but that see that's the issue they i don't i don't trust the feedback from people i don't know but if it was feedback from people who know me everyone in my life, you know, my wife, my children, you guys. Well, that's what's going to keep me sane is that I don't know who said it, but I know

that it's the people around me. So if you knew it was trusted people, you just didn't know their identities. So you're taking this as family, friends, they're submitting a survey. Mm-hmm. That would matter to me. It's anonymous. That feedback would 100% matter to me. I would change things

based on that but if it was random people it would matter less no I don't care about their opinions although if all random people had the same exact criticism I would pay attention to it yeah like stupid face like if a million people say stupid face yeah you gotta get surgery I'd be like I gotta fix my face the face store

Mike which one do you prefer the second one is just we've all said negative things about one another. I mean, it's just everybody. Wait. So then this is actually really easy, and it's actually to select the second one and know everyone who's said negative things about you but not know what those things are because it's everyone. Yeah, except for Brooks.

Oh, he's too kind. That's true. Brooks has never said a negative thing about anybody. Have you ever said a mean thing, Brooks? Keep them all inside. Yeah, he keeps them all inside. I can bottle them and just push them away. There ain't no way.

Do they go away? Do they eventually fade away like an aroma? Some of them after a while. Do you have a list still? No, that's outside. It's in my head. He goes through it, though, every night. And I hate you for this.

I hate you for that. It'd be real great if we had our three producers give us submit anonymous. So we know it's just one of the three producers, but it's like you don't know which one. And then we would assume. They're all owl. We know who they're coming from. That's probably true. The majority of them.

When you get the one where it's like, doesn't put my apple knife back properly, then I'll know it's Brooks. All right. Shall we move on? Yes. Spitballers to the rescue. Well, this is our opportunity to give out some life advice, dish out some of our vast knowledge.

Y'all welcome. We are potentially receiving honorary degrees at some point. Nothing quite like saying the word honorary wrong while you ask for a degree. Matthew from Patreon. My wife and I are discussing our future as parents. We have a three-year-old and a newborn. How old will our children have to be to feel comfortable leaving them home for an hour, an afternoon, and overnight? This is a great question.

This is one that we have endeavored in recent years as our oldest is reaching an age where I can trust him to not burn the house down. It also helps when they are of an age where they have a cellular phone. Yeah, you have to have a way to be contacted. Now, it doesn't necessarily have to be a cell phone. You could drop in on any kind of device that's at your house. But, Matthew, you're saying I have a three-year-old and a one-year-old. So you're wanting us to do the math based on this.

But based on my experience and Andy's experience and Mike's experience, you got one more coming. So that clock's going to be reset. You'll have to reboot everything. and Andy's experience, and Mike's experience, you got one more coming. So that clock's going to be reset. You'll have to reboot everything. So the challenge for us, like I have Papa Josh here in the office has your situation with just two kids. And they are both about that age gap. And he's left them home for a long time.

They're like 15 and 12 now or something, or 15 and 13. It's been 12 years that he's been left them home for a long time. They're like 15 and 12 now or something. Or 15 and 13. It's been 12 years that he's been leaving them home. But they were able to be, like, they're just really mild-mannered and chill. And so it was early. Yeah, it's not age. It's about the youngest to me. Yeah, that's where it starts, of course.

If the youngest one cannot be contained by the eldest without the potential for violence to put it to overstate it yes then there's a problem so it's like you know and there's a huge difference overnight that's where we should make the decision on you know you jason you go out to to meals with your wife all the time all the time i leave my kids. And your kids are 13 and 10? 13, 13, and 10. And we've been leaving them probably for three years at least. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, for like a dinner.

So since they were 10? Yeah, probably 10, 10, and 6. We would go out to a dinner and make sure they were set up. Leaving for overnight, that's too long. I think if- You've got to have one 18-year-old. Oh, man. That's not-

I think 20. I don't know, man. I feel like to leave them overnight- Yeah. To trust, that feels so hard. We've done the movie where you come come back late but it doesn't go overnight oh yeah yeah i mean we still usually don't leave for any kind of bedtimes i've we've been out late enough where they've fallen asleep but like we we don't you know go out and have them put themselves

to sleep so i would say to to leave for overnight yeah you it would probably have to be one 18 year old you got to have someone that is an adult when the police show up someone that is able to take responsibility man have you done have you ventured down this very much mike we've recently started doing like the like an hour or, maybe a lunch here or there. But it's not an age. It's the youngest. When can they function? I mean, look, iPads are pretty good.

I mean, if you put the kid on an iPad, they will lock in usually and then just be right there when you get home but it's it's an interesting world because i think back to when i was a child and the restrictions of like just the way that i lived as a kid i mean this is you know it's a little bit different of you being home alone but it's like i would go out on my bike and cross like jaywalk a main road for sure when i was like seven years old on a bike with no helmet and no pads yeah and now i'm like i'm like my nine-year-old stay home alone for an hour i would never the doors are all sealed it's like i don't know what happened yeah we're getting weak we're getting weak for sure uh but speaking of the ipad thing i think this is a real problem for my youngest

because you're right it's all about the youngest right when can you leave the youngest and my youngest asks me almost every single day to leave if yes it's like you and mommy should do a date night because he wants because he just. He knows when we're gone. He gets unlimited. He's going to bounce around from TV to VR to Xbox, whatever he wants. And we can't do anything about it. So he is always, always chilling. You look like you could use a date night, dad.

He plays us off one another. He'll go talk to mommy and be like. Oh, my gosh. I mean, pretty soon he's going to be making us dinner reservations. Does that, does that happen when he hits his limit on the iPad? Like that's the moment. Yeah, exactly. When screen time kicks off, he comes running.

You really should go out to dinner tonight. I have, I have this memory of being left home alone with my, my little brother and legitimately every time they'd leave for some small period of time, we would move all the furniture in the living room, put pillows on our hands, and have boxing matches. Yeah. That's what we did when they left because it was like, okay, no one is here to tell us not to move anything. So they left you too young.

Maybe so. Maybe so, yeah. We survived. All right, Noah from Patreon. I just got married and I'm having some trouble with my new in-laws. They're always dropping by unannounced. Ooh, and staying for long periods of time. Oh, mercy.

I've tried talking to my wife about it, but she's too embarrassed to confront them. How can I help my wife get her parents to stop overstaying their welcome? Well, there's only, you got one thing you can do here. It's very easy. It's a super easy. It's one thing. Move. Yeah, you're moving out of state. I mean, it's only, you got one thing you can do here. It's very easy. It's a super easy. It's one thing. Move. Yeah, you're moving out of state.

I mean, it's like 100%. We were both lockstep there. Yeah, Zillow.com. Wow. You got to get to the distance where, you don't have to go out of state. You can get to an uncomfortable distance. Although, if you do that, then they're staying longer. Yep, you've created a bigger problem.

Yeah, you're going to need, if it's not not two hours if it's not a two-hour drive because two hours i think is where they're not going to come unannounced they're not gonna there's a risk of oh they're not there you know so you've gotta you've gotta have um that planned out have any of you ever had to have this kind of conversation with somebody not like this no but if i did i mean i i'm grateful that like we in our marriage we both like our in-laws we've got good parents and there's never been a problem there but i can super easily realize a situation where the ding dong what someone just showed up i mean that would that would anger me more than i i can't imagine anything that would upset me like that if i didn't like in-laws if it was just a drop off of something but if you're if you're coming in and

then it's like there's no end that's awkward we got plans we got things to do i had an expectation of what tonight was you can't ding dong into my evening and say don't ding dong into my evening i'm your plans you can't do that that's illegal and so i understand not wanting to confront your parents which is why moving is the only option but there is good news here sometimes people are afraid to go look at that next big job to look at saying i want to take my career to the next level it's going to take some kind of move you have freedom now you have a reason go to those job board sites and you find yourself a big upgrade in life because you're going to need that excuse these in-laws are very pushy but see here's a little bit of a trap door in your plan in-laws there's a chance they're retired

oh no they move you get the job you put the whole plan in it and they're like you know what i love it where you're moving yeah you guys are running you get it how do you how could you actually treat this problem? You order movie tickets for 20 minutes from the time you hear the doorbell every single time. Yeah, that's a good one. Or dinner reservations. My first thought was lights off, don't make a sound. I am making sure I park in the garage every time.

And worst case scenario, if if they're gonna be opening the door coming in through a window I was taking a nap I was taking a nap I was that's why the lights were off let me let me flip it it's not you're not home you arrive home from work or wherever it was you were and now they're there oh when I see that car outside I'm driving right all past brother that's that's you've done that move before. I have done that move. You live in a cul-de-sac, so that one's got to be really entertaining. That one's just-

The full circle. You just keep on riding, and you're right back out that neighborhood. I mean, if you arrive home, and that car that's unexpected and unwanted is in your driveway, you've got two options. You just roll on by and keep moving, or you grin and bear it and you go inside and you go, man, I hope I'm at the end of this thing. And here's the truth, you aren't.

You are not. You're resetting the timeline in those situations. It starts right now. Have you been in that boat where people come over and visit and they invite themselves over for dinner? Have you ever had that? where people come over and visit and they invite themselves over for dinner? Have you ever had that? Because what do you do? You know, it's like you're getting towards dinner time.

And the person, like how do you usher somebody out when you want to eat? Or do you just keep waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and hoping they leave before dinner? Yeah, I mean, usually I don't think those people ask, oh, can I eat at dinner? They just stay, and then it's dinner time. So they're a part of dinner at that point. Yeah, they're just a part of dinner at that point. So order more, cook more.

I mean, at some point you have to just turn the dial from unhappy to happy and say, we're having a party here. Oh, it's a mental decision. There you go. That is the other side of this here. I would love it if you got the party hats out at that moment every single time they're over. You just got to find something with your in-laws

that you absolutely love together. You've got to scratch a claw and find it. You find Sellers of Catan. Man, it just turns out you all love that game. So when they come over, it's Eller's Catan time. It's poker time. You become too overwhelming for them. Next level.

Ask for money. Oh, there you go. That's it. Ask for money. I'm glad you guys are here. I've been meaning to talk to you about a business opportunity. Start selling the oils. Every MLM you can get into. They will get out. That's it. Or you're making money. opportunity start selling the start selling the uh the oils that yeah every mlm you every mlm they

will get out that's it or you're making money it's either one no that that is the legit answer is you that we did it you either mlm or you'd be like i i hate to do this things have been a little bit tight yes and. And we've got this expense coming up. That's right. Let me talk to you about Avon. Yeah. No, we really need some help. We just need $500.

Yeah. Just $500. No, you've got to make it in the cash. You've got to make it. The AC is going out again. This is a couple K. Actually, I don't. You either get a couple thousand.

Yeah, you get paid for your time. That's why I put it at $500. Because if you keep doing this and you just think, oh, good, the in-laws are here. We get another 500 bucks. Oh, man. Make it something they'll actually do. And either way, you're right. We solved it.

It's money. That's great. That's great. That means that we don't have to go to a last resort, which was going to be, you know. Divorced? Home alone style traps around the front door. So, all right. Into the draft we go.

Home Alone style traps around the front door. So, all right, into the draft we go. The Spitballers Draft. All right, this draft is – Butter, butter, butter. Bread and butter right here. Best foods to put butter on. I'll start with butter. Butter is one of the best foods.

Butter on butter? Oh, yeah. Butter on. Mike, though, gets the first pick, Jason, so you can't go with butter. I'm sorry. Okay, I told you what the 101 is, Mike. Butter on butter? Yeah.

I'm not going to go there. I don't know if there's a clear 101 pick, but I'll just start it off. I'm going to go with popcorn. Okay. Popcorn. So you're 100% of the time you go to the theater you're getting some butter on that well is it yeah i'll go cheese sometimes but it's like butter popcorn needs something on it yeah i mean yeah i like the powders you like butter

even with the powders you're buttering right no what no i never butter it's the tone of your voice was so it's like i have i have committed a a concerned friend that you're like my friend is is about to enter a world of trouble that they cannot return from you you put the but you put the butter on right i honestly think that andy is either lying or is about to have a great experience in his life of realizing that those powders, which are great, can be improved with butter. Start with butter, the liquid butter. Okay. And it doesn't matter which way you're going.

You want kettle corn? You want sweet? That's great. Oh, you butter the kettle corn. Oh, absolutely. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're a man who's great. Oh, you butter the kettle corn. Oh, absolutely. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're a man who's known for boom. Yeah.

Flavacol. Flavacol. Does that include butter too? Oh, yeah. That's the salt. No, I know. That's my point. I thought he just put the Flavacol on.

No, never. You butter and then you- It needs something to stick to. Yeah, exactly. Oh, man. Just try it out. Just try it out for me. You'll come back and you'll be like, thank you, Jason.

I just don't like, I don't know what happened. The butter is not butter, first of all, when you go to those theaters. You're not getting butter. It's margarine. You're getting some kind of, something that's called like butter spread or something. Yeah, buttery sauce. Yeah, like when you get the ranch sauce, it's not ranch dressing. It's just ranch sauce.

Contains butter. I just moved to the ranch powder. And look, it's not. The amount of sodium I'm getting is enough. Yeah, it is. But you need butter. All right. So you went with popcorn.

It was definitely on the list. There was a one-on-one. I thought popcorn was going to be mine because I thought that I was going to get number two. I mean, this is literally the phrase is bread and butter, baby. Yeah. I mean, I don't want bread without butter. Who eats just bread with no butter on it? That's fair.

If it's just bread, yeah, of course. Yeah, you got to put something on it. So you just want bread. I mean, that's fair. It's very like plain Jane on a draft pick. Yeah. It doesn't pop. The number one thing, when a restaurant says, would you like some bread?

You say yes. Yeah. They don't bring you just bread because they're not idiots they bring you bread and butter because butter goes on it is interesting that just thinking about it like when you order breakfast food at a restaurant and you get toast it will come with better on it they'll put the butter on it beforehand yeah never before at a restaurant have i received a bowl full of rolls that are pre-buttered. I would love that. I would love it. Restaurants, butter my bread. I know this is a butter draft, but we're talking bread. What was that?

I don't know. We got to go back because all you did was you said, It was like you started something. I was starting to say butter my bread and it came out brother and then I stopped. It was like you started something. I was starting to say, butter my bread, and it came out, brutter, and then I stopped. It was like my, brup, and you let it go. So I was going to move on, man. We started moving on, but I was like, wait, you just went, brup. It was so extreme.

We both needed time to process what happened. I was going to say, butter my bread! But it came out brutter. Alright, now we're talking butter. Do you prefer the butter with the bread or the olive oil, the oil? Oh, oil and vinegar? No, not oil, oil

and balsamic. It's vinegar, balsamic vinegar. I've never heard it, but when it comes, they're not like, do you want oil and vinegar? They said, do you want oil and balsamic? Which is a short of balsamic vinegar i've never heard it but when it comes they're not like do you want oil and vinegar they said do you want oil and balsamic which is a short yes balsamic vinegar i just i've never heard it phrased okay okay well to be fair to be fair to mike on that one because it's a specific vinegar yeah it's it's not just vinegar it's balsamic vinegar which has a completely could you imagine if they just brought normal, straight vinegar? Yeah, but I mean, it's edible vinegar. It's balsamic. That's just

the normal vinegar you eat. If they brought apple cider vinegar and oil, that'd be disgusting. It's probably delicious. No, it's not disgusting. It's a dressing. Apple cider vinegar and oil, olive oil shooken together is put on dressing. To answer

the question, I love me some oil and balsamic vinegar and bread, but nowhere near as much as butter. Okay. All right. Well, look, I'm in a position to draft two players for this draft, and I'm going with a dynamic duo. I'm going with a- I know one of yours.

I'm going with a combination- And they're both- That are- You know what I'm doing. Yeah, we know. I'm going with a combination that are... You know what I'm doing. Yeah, we know. I'm going pancakes and waffles. Yeah. Pancakes and waffles. Now, let me color in your picks for you.

Thank you. When we go to a restaurant like the Cracker Barrel and we get Mama's French Toast and they bring you so much butter. When they bring that out, they bring more butter than can be used. And Andy says, can I get a couple more of these? Not a joke.

And you get like three or four of the. And you mash those into that syrup. And you get three or four of the little black ramekins each one with its ice cream scoop sized thing of butter he will use all of it i mocked you for a while on this because this wasn't a one-time occurrence this wasn't every time that the mama's french toast for coming occurrence but then one day you didn't eat all your mama's French toast. You slid that plate over to me. Oh, brother. And what did you think? I mean, it was unbelievable.

A real eye-opening, artery-closing moment for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was absolutely fantastic. That syrup has never been thicker or more delicious. I think that the pancakes and waffles, I can't even imagine eating them without butter. I've eaten a roll without butter. It's okay. You can't do a waffle with just syrup?

Syrup only? A naked waffle? No. I could do it, but it's nowhere near as good. Clothed in butter. All right, Jason, you're back. All right, I'm back on. I'm going to go with one of my favorite things,

and when I order this favorite thing, I almost always look at the menu and say, do you have some kind of butter or special butter to put on this? It's a steak. Yeah, it was going to be my next pick. I want, first of all, my steaks cooked in butter, but I want a butter on top. Really?

You're just talking about a liquid butter kind of poured on top? Yes. In fact, the best way to do it if you're at home, you slice right through the stick of butter. You take that little slice of butter that's probably about almost a tablespoon. About 600 calories. Oh, yeah. And you put it right on top of a piping hot steak.

And just let it melt on there? Just leave it there. See, I think i may have experienced too little butter in my steak life oh you should rectify that so uh did you involve a lot of butter when you uh you cooked us those wagyu yes a lot of butter because those were really good yeah thank you mike a couple picks for you yes yeah steak was to be the next pick. So it's not anymore. No, no, it is not. Not love on my list, but we'll start off here.

We'll just go with some noodles. Because some buttered noodles in your life is slightly underrated again. I was going to say, I've found in as elder statesman that i never want buttered noodles and yet if i sat down to eat and someone put buttered noodles in front of me i'd go all right and then you start eating the buttered noodles you go oh yeah i remember i remember why i like this so much as a child because it's noodles covered butter and it's just it's just a delicious thing yeah it's a it's a simple dish yes yes very very simple but it gets the job done it's delicious and then I how much corn do I want in my life

popcorn I'm gonna go regular corn is that what you're going with uh no I'm going to go. Regular corn? Is that what you're going with? No, I'm going to go biscuits. I will take the biscuits because, oh, Jason fist bumps because he's got something coming back. I have no idea what it could possibly be. But a biscuit is, that's impossible. Like a biscuit you literally cannot eat without butter. Oh, no, you would not be able to chew it. You'll die. It's a health hazard. I am, I'm really sad because i know what jason's

taking and i mean it's just sitting there as the under drafted pick of the entire draft i i hope it is the case i still think i will get a variant i will say this i have three of my top four picks okay coming to me already here i'm taking corn on the cob yeah and let it go back thank you so much um i appreciate it and if you don't know how to butter a corn on the cob you take a stick of butter you put the little things in the corn on the cob you know little holders and you just roll it on the butter you just that is correct roll it until that do we have that the correct sound do we have that yeah thank you you roll it until you can't see the differentiation between each kernel of corn anymore. That is correct.

The butter fills the whole thing. You're trying to like when you're like grouting tile. Yes, exactly. Moosh it in there. Best you can. Grout those arteries. Absolutely. Well, that's not the pick I thought you were going with.

So that won't make life. I'm surprised. That will make life really easy for me. You're so excited for corn on the cob. Because corn on the cob is okay. Yeah. But corn on the cob rolled in butter is outstanding. It's one of those things kind of like biscuits where it's like the with and without.

A steak without butter. Oh, it's pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, corn on the cob is great. I would never eat it without butter. I'm not a heathen. I am going to have a very interesting draft today because I went with the dynamic duo

of pancakes and waffles and I'm about to come right back with another dynamic duo, mashed potatoes and baked potatoes, baby. They're coming back. I thought for sure you were going baked potato. So I, I'm going to, I'm living life here. Baked potato. I, in some ways I feel baked potato. So I'm living life here. Baked potato. In some ways, I feel like the baked potato, it's more crucial. Because a lot of times the mashed potatoes have it already in there, obviously.

Sure. But it is an ingredient that goes into the mashed potatoes. A baked potato, you can go sour cream only. It's a lot like the biscuits thing to me. You put sour cream on your biscuits? No. I feel like I need it to be able to chew that potato i need some butter involved in the equation now i've never used the amount of sour cream that

would be necessary to do what you're talking about mike but maybe it would work okay but yeah i've got i've got two beautiful pairs of butter buddies yeah they are that's for sure very very nice and they're both so similar to one another and yet completely independent picks now are you uh are you on team mashed potato over baked potato i am on team mashed potato over mike potato um mashed potatoes are just so much easier but i feel like you know like if if easier to eat yes harder to make oh yeah but no i'm not making either of these things i mean like making well making a baked potato also takes what for five hours yes five hours five to twelve hours 500 degrees in in the oven and then maybe it's about halfway done like if it's if it's properly prepared with everything

on it. That is a man who has tried to make baked potatoes before. Because the only people who will really get this joke is anyone who's ever tried to make a baked potato. You could put it in there forever. What's the highest your oven goes? Do that. Go on a vacation. Come back and cut it.

It's almost ready. It's almost ready. Just a couple more days. I ate a lot of undercooked baked potatoes growing up. Of course, yeah, because no one has enough time for that. Eventually, you've got to eat your dinner. If you've decided you want a baked potato, you need to plan days in advance.

All right. Well, Jason and Mike, you have your final picks. I'm very content with my butter team. Jason has bread, steak, and corn on the cob. I'm a little upset here. Now, were you going to a potato world? Oh, I very much wished for baked potato to come back. If I could have steak, baked potato, buttered bread, and corn on the cob, I mean, I'm sitting pretty.

The problem is we're running out of the things that I think I have to have butter on that I associate it with. There's a couple of things that it certainly improves. And I'm staring those things down. But I'm going to go a different direction here. You might think an anti-Jason direction. But the reality here. he's going to a vegetable i'm oh my gosh i am i'm vegetable alert i'm going sauteed vegetables like when you uh that is what when you could transform broccoli cauliflower carrots into a delicious side dish that means you used so much butter

that you're out of butter now because it was all of it and you really can if you haven't experienced uh vegetable butter soup then you haven't really eaten your vegetables the right way okay all right no i respect the pick really nice fourth pick thank you all right the i guess so with the the fourth pick here it's so weird because it i think maybe it's an inferior product because of the of putting butter on it compared to the pancakes and the waffles but yet it's it is the best breakfast item wait you took pancakes and waffles yeah you bet i did i i know where you're going i thought yeah so i will i'll close the draft with french toast yeah that's what i thought i thought he got pancakes and french toast because

french toast is when you rank the three of them all delicious no shame in the game of the other two but french toast is just king it's just just better. Here's what I'll say. I certainly wasn't going to live in the world of drafting all three of them, although I don't mind that world at all. You can get by with French toast without the butter. Interesting. Now, I would never do it. I'm not, again.

And replaced with just syrup? No, powdered sugar. The powdered sugar can play a very key role in kind of distracting your body from the lack of butter. And you could top it with some fruit or something, and it's like, oh, where's the butter? Oh, I don't care. But then again, you have a health hazard. If you go powdered sugar with no wetness to keep it in there, you're taking the breath, and you're choking on the powder. You do have to have the syrup on.

You have to have the syrup. I'm not talking just plain. Yeah, otherwise you're going to breathe. But you can still inhale it in there. You have to have the syrup. You're taking the breath, and you're choking on the powder. You do have to have the syrup on. You have to have the syrup. I'm not talking just plain. Yeah, otherwise you're going to breathe. But you can still inhale it, yes. In all circumstances, you can inhale powdered sugar. It is very easy to do. I don't know why, but we've got an official Brooks ruling. Waffles, greater sign.

Pancakes, greater sign. French toast. Wow. That's a hot take, Brooks. Oh, yeah. Which has the widest outcomes? You know, like you can have, like mashed potatoes, for example. People can make them good, chunky, all this stuff.

Waffles have the widest outcome. You can be from a Belgian waffle to a Waffle House waffle to an Eggo waffle. They're completely different products. Which is more likely to get like a bad draw? Like I feel like French toast, you can get it soggy. Yeah. You can get it the wrong size or shape. French toast is the most difficult to make.

All right. Popcorn. Gives it the best top of the... The tippy top. Mike has the best top tippy top. Blark. Blark. I ran out of words.

Mike had popcorn noodles, biscuits, and French toast. Jason has bread, steak, corn on the cob. Very nice meal combination with some sauteed vegetables on the side there you go um i got pancakes and waffles and then i got mashed potatoes baked potatoes i had strongly considered i didn't think french toast would make it back uh but we but vegetable boy over here yeah it made some dreams come true i've got a lot of other options here well my my sleeper sneaky pick at the end was more just to help help educate people because i don't know if everyone does it uh but it's a bread variant but banana bread oh you have to have butter if you if you are not putting butter on

your banana bread you are yeah you're missing you're living in an attic man and you have to heat it you have to sure oh sure so fundamentally true but just say like excellent point i feel like that's it's not always a a shoe in that you're gonna get butter with the banana bread that would have been a pick that gets avoided because banana bread is not as common as these other things but if you have banana bread you better have butter on it. It amplifies everything. I wasn't sure what bread would encompass. I feel like it kind of ruined a bunch of potential picks. Good.

It was a great pick. But obviously toast, English muffins, crescent rolls, and cornbread. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those would be all good. A little honey on there, too. I certainly have the English muffins. I also have bagels. Bagels with butter the English muffins. I also have bagels. Bagels with butter. Yeah, American muffins.

And the one that I wanted to draft that I didn't because it certainly makes it way, way better, but it's also more rare, is hamburger buns when you toast them. Oh, sure. You know what I mean? You put a little butter on there, throw it on a griddle, take it off. Your hamburger is way better. Is it worth the time? Oh, yeah. Because you really got to go there. it on a griddle take it off your hamburger is way better is it worth the time oh yes because you

really gotta you gotta go there i feel like that's been a challenge for me is i want to eat the piping hot burger but then i gotta go toast the buns i never know if it's worth it you gotta time it up every time i skip the toast of the bun or like if i'm making a tortilla based meal and i'm like i don't wanna i don't want to oil up the pan and then kind of grill it. You're like, nope. Every time you skip it, you feel bad about it. One thing I've learned from my recent escapades in baking things is how much butter is in baking things. I don't think I realized how much butter just goes into making.

No wonder they taste so good. The difference between what you do at home and the cooking in the restaurant is about five sticks of butter. Also, PSA, and this is a shout out to my stepmother, don't ever buy unsalted butter. Ever. Okay. For any reason, if the recipe calls for unsalted butter first of all throw that recipe in the garbage

really i feel like i've had just salt it we just talked about this i feel like i've had stuff with salted butter and i'm like it's this yeah you need to use unsalted and then some kosher salt this is the last show we ever you're just trying to this is the last show i feel like you just said just keep putting more salt in things 230 230 episodes. We had a good run. Salted. This is from two gentlemen who have not actually put unsalted butter on anything in their actual lives. Yes. No.

I'm not topping this. Don't believe it. You can't put unsalted as a topping, but you can certainly use it to bake. If you put enough salt in, yeah, sure. Yes, that is correct. All right. We are done. What did we learn today? I just learned I'm doing a show with two psychopaths who think unsalted butter is correct. All right, we are done. What did we learn today? I just learned that I'm doing a show with two psychopaths

who think unsalted butter is okay. Hey, we didn't drop vegetables, loser. I am going to say that I learned that I can just randomly scream on the show and get away with it. I learned that Andy has not fully thought of the repercussions of a human being watching everything they do in their home. What if it was a blind person? Well, then they can't see you.

Yeah, I'd feel a lot better about that. That's a lot better. But they will have heard. Alright. Everything. See you next time, everybody. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.