Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 231: Big Cuppin’ & The Best Ways To Cover Up A Fart - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Today, Jason shows up with an obnoxiously large accessory. We also talk about citizenship duties and chewing with your mouth open. Then, find out who today’s Man of the People is. We shut it down with a draft of the best ways to cover up a fart! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, man. What a cop-out. Yeah, baby. We did it. Yeah. We have finally hit that point of the Spitballers podcast

where the show opened with just fart sounds. It's the fart episode and I'm happy it was my scat. Wow. And I do mean scat. I feel like Mike's laughter was the most redeeming part of the scat. Thank you, Mike. Well, it caught me off guard, so you got plus one. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast.

Also, for those tuning in to the video, we got to one welcome into the spitballers podcast for for those tuning in to the video we got to get right into this what is going on with jason's cup he's got a huge cup it is a big old size neon green cup what are you doing it does does look ridiculous. Okay, I didn't think this was going to get called out, but it is ridiculous. I mean, how much water does one person need? He's upping his water intake. I am trying to drink a gallon of water a day. Well, it's right there. No, I need five of these.

Five of these is a gallon. Yes. I mean, it's about one in the afternoon. How far? This is cup four. Oh, it is. Yes, I have finished three of these. Wow.

How are you in that seat and not peeing? We're going to have a pee break. Dude, I have peed at least six times. And that is, let me just tell you, a clear. I'm doing real well, fellas. Is this the first day of gallon a day? This is the first day. Okay.

How many days is this gonna run at least one i mean i'm i'm hoping to make it to two tomorrow the next day i'll be like man let's get to three but i'm going today this isn't because you think if you drink a gallon a day for a while you won't have to drink for a couple months or something wait i don't get to store this up you knew you're not a camel um yes i am aware aware. I'm aware. Try to be healthy. The big cup will get you there. That's a big cup. That's a big cup.

Welcome to the big cup episode of the Spitballers. Would you rather man to the people, and we are drafting the best ways to cover up a fart, which is why you scattered the way that you did. Yeah. He just took another sip. If he's going to drink all of that, he's going to have to sip very rapidly. My goal is to finish this cup by the end of this episode. Without audibly letting the listener know. Nope.

And without peeing my pants. I'm confident I can silently drink this water, but I'm not confident about keeping it in. Thank you for joining us on this show today. This is episode 231 of the podcast. You can follow the show on Twitter at SpitballersPod, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod, and we appreciate you subscribing, following the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening, watching on YouTube.

Let's get it going. Would you rather? Dweric from the website. Not Derek, but Dweric. Okay. Okay. Sure. Would you rather have to chew all food with your mouth open?

That's gross. have to chew all food with your mouth open that's gross or do a three-second gargle of every drink oh you take that would be no oh no no oh gosh delicious um that was unplanned this is great uh yeah you you brought your big cup so we could experiment on these type of things the gargles gross they're both i mean mixed company gargles either of these gargle is not as gross as chewing with your mouth open i mean i just gargled i don't feel like either of you were grossed out you might not have enjoyed it or wanted it but like chewing with your mouth open, you're watching the digestive system process too closely. Can you chew with your mouth open and not make all the smacking sounds?

Because when you're trying to bother someone, you do the nom, nom, but could you get a good chew without all the slobbering and smacking? I don't think so. I think the only thing that keeps the sound away is the closure of the lips. You seal off that room that this action's happening in. So it's the soundproof mouth. That's the soundproof lips are what keeps you steady. Otherwise, I mean, at the very least, if you were going to try to silently chew with your mouth open, your lips can't come together and then go back.

That's pretty gross. Put yourself, though, in the bar scenario. Like you're at an event. Maybe you're at a cocktail hour, and you have a drink. I mean, you're in close company. We have a little distance here where we're less grossed out because when you gargle, there's projectile potential. Yeah, that's true.

You're not going to be able to. And they'll be like, take a sip of your drink. Like a fine whiskey. Oh, are you always making like Sommelier comments about what you're drinking? It's a birchy afterbirth. You'd have to turn it into your thing. Mamanye comments about what you're drinking? Oh. Ah. It's a birchy afterbirth. You'd have to turn it into your thing. Right.

Like this is something you're proud of. This drink. Oh, man, this drink. Here we go. Thank you. And here's something to weigh. You're having a sip of a beverage far more throughout the day than you are actually eating something. So this is... Yeah, it's every drink you take.

It's funny because I thought the opposite. What? The reason I am drinking all this water today is because I think I have realized I don't take liquids in. Okay. I eat all the time shocker um but i don't i you know i don't i can go a whole day without like having a drink sometimes what i think that's a whole no a whole day it's not good for you i mean i'll have a drink usually with a meal so yes even there but yeah i mean i i think that there are times i just don't really drink liquid i have to go i'm gonna do the chew with your mouth open and all my eating will be

in private that's fair at least you could get away you'll have to excuse me i imagine i need to use the bathroom i will drape like my napkin in front of my face while i'm chewing at a restaurant so i could still so i could still go bring like a mask yeah bring like a handkerchief and you tie it on i'm normal yeah i'm i'm gonna gargle every time that i wait it says a three secondssecond gargle? Yes, and you are not properly weighing the three seconds plus all of the drinking. I felt like gargling what I just did when I gargled. That was not a three. No, it wasn't close.

I don't even know if that was a full one. It might have been a one and a quarter. It's certainly three seconds to gargle everything. I didn't realize how long. I guess I'm chewing with my mouth open like a degen yeah okay stefan from patreon would you rather have all citizens required to take a yearly test of the country's history and laws or have a requirement of 20 hours of community service each year okay so this government good here yeah so the government is is

put into place uh it reminds me of like when you're a real estate agent you got to do your yearly test to stay up to date now continuing education continuing education and you got to do your continuing you got to do your contribution every year to get what i need an update though maintain citizenship okay so should you fail yeah oh that's because i got what a yearly test okay you just show up and you take the test who cares is it just so that we have the information for like a census type of a thing but or or is there could there be a consequence should you not get a 60%? That is everything in this question. Because if the question is just citizens have to take a test, who cares? So what?

You know what I mean? Like, oh, I got an F again. As opposed to having to pass the test. Having to pass the test is a whole different. This is like a driver's license, right? Like, pretend they make you come and do a driving test every year. They're going to take your license away. Okay, so they take my citizenship away if i don't know the history of our country

and some important laws you might get a redo once before they put you i don't know on a boat or something and send you out to sea i like my citizenship and i would have that go bye-bye how you would study you would study how confident are you guys zero if you took a generic uh citizenship test like do you know things like how many congressmen are there uh the in the house or the senate yeah either the senate all right you do the other one that house is 250 something i think like i think if we if you give me multiple choice i think i can get there. It's 535 total. I was going to say 500. I was way off.

It's 435 in the House. 435? 100 in the Senate. Since when? I mean, I've always heard that when you are immigrating into America, the test that you take for your citizenship. Oh, we would all fail that. Yeah, I was going to say, you have to learn a lot. Now, we wouldn't have failed it when we were

learning it in sixth grade. Maybe. I mean, that's when we knew it, but you do forget a lot, and this would make you not only memorize that, but the laws. So I guess I'm looking at these as saying, okay, the 20 hours of community service helps others. Yeah. The country's history and laws, I'm trying to figure out how that helps others. And I guess having an idea of the laws would benefit society if everybody knew them. I think it would be a tremendous help to really know the history, really know the laws. I think you improve society that way.

But if everyone has to do a real 20 hours and not the fake 20 hours of, uh, right. My buddy's parents, they, they work at the Y just go ahead and sign off on this. No, like real 20 hours.

A lot of good would be done. It's funny. Cause we give so many tax credits and loopholes and financial incentives and subsidies and credits for electric vehicles and we don't have any of that thing any of those things in place where like obviously this question says you have to do one of them but what if this was just an option what if like 20 hours of community service lowered your tax bracket like okay and it's i am in it's optional because what money money talks right but like go help your fellow man and we'll pay you for it actually makes a lot of sense credit

that that makes actual logical helpful sense but we don't do that well that's why that's why we do that's why we don't do it that makes far too much sense. I'm for both of these things. Follow-up question. How many amendments are in the Constitution? Oh, my goodness. I'm going to say somewhere between 19 and 25. Okay. That's a range, but okay.

19 to 25. What are we on, highway to spell? I guess I'll just guess 19. Okay. But I feel like there's 20, 25. I'm going to guess 25. What are we on, highway to spell? I guess I'll just guess 19. Okay. But I feel like there's 20, 25. I'm going to guess 25. Okay, 25. So I will go 24.

And Price is Right rules. It's 27, Andy takes it. Oh, very nice. Okay. I know a few of them. So if you have to choose one, though, you have to choose it. Your favorite amendment. Which one do you think would be more? I was, I was right there with you. Which one, which

one would you choose for the citizens of the country? I'm going 20 hours, 20 hours of community service for everybody. Jason, I think that would make a more actionable difference. In the end, I believe that good is done with that, and with the test and the knowledge, I think you hope that people can be wiser, and I don't think they will be. All right. Chrissy from Twitter, would you rather dream vividly every night...

Oh, heck yeah. ...but have all the memories forgotten by morning... Okay, so... That just ruins it. vividly every night oh heck yeah but have all the memories forgotten by morning or having an average dream that you remember for the rest of the day you have to pick an average dream. You almost have to. Here's my rationale for that. There are literal, there's a medication you can take where you are going to forget the medical procedure you have, you know, so that. You know, the twilight sleep type of stuff. Yeah, exactly. Because you need to be cognizant for the surgery. And so you can go in and have surgery done and it could be the most horrific thing and you just don't know about it.

And as soon as that medication kicks in and you don't know about it, it never happened. You're it's just it didn't happen. There was it's worthless. There's no point in it. Let me put it this way. Is a good time forgotten a good time? That is an excellent question. And I think it is.

OK, I think that if you in in the moment, are having a good time, because, okay, here's my question. Because a lot of times, you know, for people who actually have dreams, you wake up and you're just emotionally set in a direction. You don't necessarily remember what happened. Subconscious. emotionally set in a direction. You don't necessarily remember what happened. Okay, subconscious. But if you had a good dream, you wake up, you're like, I had a good dream. And that was, you know, I won $2 million. You're saying your mood's going to be.

Your mood can be affected, absolutely, by dreams where, you know, you wake up, you had a bad dream, you wake up in a panic, your heart rate is up. So, I mean, the physiology of your body has changed from the dream, even if you don't remember it. And if you had, you'd be excited to go to sleep every night. It begs a much broader question, which is like, you get to live an amazing life, but then you forget it. Right. At the end.

Or you live a horrible life, but you get to remember it. Which would you choose? You're 75, and that's the moment it happens. Oh, man. Do you want to remember a bad life, or do you want to have a good one you don't remember? You want to remember. Otherwise, it didn't happen. You say, Mike, you are excited to go to sleep. No, you're not. You don't know you have them. You don't know you want to remember otherwise it didn't happen i mean you say mike you are excited to go to sleep no you're not you don't know you have them you don't know

you have those great dreams i know i know i have them i just don't remember what they are but how do you know that you're not having them right now how do you how do you know that every single night lately you haven't had the best dream of all time because it didn't happen maybe it did it doesn't matter to you because it didn't happen because you can't remember it. Our life experience is just memory. Now you're just walking into what is actually

real. What is life? I mean, like, okay. Yes, what is real? I don't remember that I had a good dream last night. Did I just wake up today and everything is just like it's an implant of memories that are that were put there is there awake is there not awake so in this i'm choosing to believe that in this scenario i know that there is a a very vivid

excellent dream that that i am a part of. And I know that that's going to happen. And I know that in the moment I will be really enjoying it. I wake up, I won't recall exactly what happened, but I'll be like, I know something good happened. I would choose that option for all of my friends and family so that I don't have to hear about their dreams. Yes. Oh, dude their dreams. Yes.

Oh, dude. Yes. Yes. There's nothing worse. And we've all been the sharer, too. We've all been like, no, no, no. This one you got to. It's so real to me.

Yeah. Oh, no. No. That is the worst. Nobody wants to hear about your dreams. Nobody. I want to hear about your hopes and dreams. I'm going to put my wife on blast right now.

I'm going to share. Put my wife in this as well. And I always finish everyone with, cool story, bro. Me too. This morning, she goes, and she wanted full attention for the recitation of the dream. She said, I had this dream. And Mike, believe it or not, you and your wife were in the dream. Okay.

And she said it was like the apocalypse and there was a zombie attack and we were all going into like some big safe house. You had the right people. And she goes, and all I could think about in the dream is whether or not we have enough dog food. And that was the whole dream. It wasn't the zombies. It was whether there was enough dog food for the dogs.

Just be happy that all my wife dreams is that I've cheated on her. And then I'm a bad guy. I'm like, I didn't do anything. I went to sleep. Those are so funny. I just had the dream conversation where I was already up for the morning. I'm already in go mode. I've been the wife asleep again.

I've had my coffee I'm starting my weekend stuff which is you know pick up around the house find jobs to do and she wakes up and she's trying to tell me about this dream and I'm like and it like there was a slight pause

and I took that as this is the end oh no so I left the room, and she's like, you left the room. Get back here. You don't want to hear the rest of my dream? And I'm like, no. Oh, the leaving a room in the middle of a thought

when you think it's over. I've done that before on other things. Do you creep out like the Pink Panther? I thought you were done. Just getting the chores started. You may not have been done, but I was done. That begs the question. No, I think that's all you dreamt, I think.

That begs the question, when was the Constitution written? Ooh. What year? We're back to this? Yeah. Not the Declaration of Independence. Correct, The Constitution. So 1807.

Okay. 1803. That much later? I'm going in the 1700s. I'm going to go 1800s. I'm going to go 1784. Oh, 1787. Oh, man.

You are so close. We're so close to staying in the country. That's what I'm saying. Multiple choice. Oh, yeah. You are so close. We're so close to staying in the country. That's what I'm saying. Multiple choice. Oh, yeah. Multiple choice will smash. If it's like a paragraph for every answer, we're in trouble. All right.

Let's move on. Man of the people. All right. We are back with man of the people. Make some space over here. We'll let Alex explain the game again. He's so good at it. Sure.

Yeah. We surveyed 100 people. Top five answers are on the board. You get three points if you get the first answer. Two points if you get the second answer. Two points if you get the second answer. One point if you get any other answer. We're doing seven rounds. Final round is worth double the points. Bring it. We've got our buttons here, which are always

really good for the audio podcast. They're good. They're playing along at home. All right. Hands on the table. Hands on the table. All right. Round one, gentlemen. Name a decision that people do not make lightly. Marriage. That is the number one answer.

Dang it, that was my answer. That was my answer. Keep an eye on those buttons. I will reset them. College. College is not on the board. I'm very disappointed in that. I'm going to go job. That is the on the board. I'm very disappointed in that. I'm going to go job.

That is the number five answer, so you get one point for that. Schooling was not on the board. Are we not going to school anymore? We just don't care a lot. We just make that decision. We got marriage. We got divorce. We got buying a house, having children, and a job.

Wait, a house is above children? It is. I'm going to think a little bit more about this one. If you reversed it, you'd get a better house. Yeah. All right. I didn't want any points anyway. Move on.

All right. Round two. During your morning routine, name something you'd hate to discover wasn't working. The coffee machine. Jason had no answer i think he just slapped the button the answer i can't say okay all right mike you got the number two answer with coffee maker okay i'll take it keep an eye on those buttons keep your mind out of the gutter here we go i will go with the water is off the The water is not working. Shower is the number one answer. I'm going to give you that.

Yeah. All right. Jason, you got an answer for us. Yeah, I'm going to go electricity. So my alarm clock didn't go off. Oh, electricity is not on there, but alarm clock is. So you get one point for that. So wait.

Yeah. That was the reason for it. Oh, no. Mike is the fastest buzzer here. I gave him the good one. All right, guys. Round three. Name something someone might eat in the hospital.

Jell-O. Oh, that's such a good answer. It is the number one answer. Oh, man. You got to get that Jell-O. All right. Keep an eye on those buttons. Fruit. Fruit is not on the board what i didn't think so in the hospital i didn't think so yeah when i heard it all right

i will go mashed potatoes mashed potatoes is not on the board that's not on the board either all right mr hospital give us the list andy pudding yes that's different than jello yes it is okay you want to keep going yeah um sandwich oh boy no i just got putting jello in order we got jello soup ice cream pudding applesauce oh that makes sense that's why i went mashed potatoes soup makes because it was all can you gum this food or drink this food? Yeah, and I went fruit because, you know, it's healthy. Not part of a hospital diet. You ever been to a hospital food court? They have some great food, but it's all fried.

They do. They really do. Their cafeterias are always great. I love it when my friends get sick so I can go down there and grab a bite. And it's cheap. It's cheap. I don't check in on them, but I've got an excuse. It's cheap.

I'll go say hi and I'll be like, you know what? I'll come back in a minute. You get some rest. You want anything from the cafeteria? That's right. It is cheap, by the way. Yeah, because the hospital is just super expensive. They're like, we'll give them a little bit of a deal on the food,

so when the bill shows up, they're not as mad. We build it into the Band-Aids. A $3 lunch and a $36,000 surgery, yeah. All right, through three rounds, we got Andy. Yeah, I said rounds. I got it. We got Andy with six, Mike with five, Jason with two. All right.

That's nonsense. All right. Round four. Name something in a regular house that might be missing in a bachelor pad. Oh, crap. Oh, Mr. Quickdraw. Three. Two. Bed frame. Hey, Mr. Quickdraw. Three, two.

Bed frame. Hey, furniture is the number one answer. You got it. Oh, my goodness. Yeah? Oh, my. Bed frame. Okay, I get where you're going.

Wait, I don't understand. I get where you're going. Your mattress is just on the ground. They're just on the floor. Did you, like... I get it. In college, when I lived by myself, my mattress was just on the ground. Yeah, when I lived by myself, my mattress, I went, my mattress was on the ground.

I had, like, the fake frame. It was not elevated. Yeah. It was just a mattress that kind of had a border around it. Okay. It was on the ground. Okay. Was that legal?

That was legal. Can you repeat the question? You got to keep an eye on those buttons. Yes. I was going to say, this is not at a bachelor pad, right? Right. Might be missing from a bachelor pad. Yeah.

I'm going to say food. Number two answer. That was a good answer. That was my only other answer. Repeat the question, please. Name something in a regular house that might be missing in a bachelor pad. Three, two, one. Hygiene products. It's a great answer answer but it's not on the board perfect that's how i like we got furniture food decorations family and appliances family oh that's

a good one i was trying to think of stuff with the kids it made sense but i didn't think of naming the kids what's funny is i originally heard what's in a normal house. It's not at a bachelor party. I don't even understand how that makes sense. That's a different question. All right. Mike and Andy tied with eight. Jason down at two.

I got this, guys. You got that last round double points. You're in it. All right. Here we go. What accent might an American pretend to have in order to sound sexier? No, no. You good? Oh, you can. No, no, you can.

Oh, I have to let it finish before I hit the button? No, he needs to stop reading the second someone buzzes in. Oh, that is true. I should have done that. Yeah. I'm going to reset the buttons. Keep an eye on them. Okay.

Oh. French. Number one answer. English. Number two answer. Okay. What? You got none left. Three. English. Number two answer. Okay. What?

You got none left. Three. Two. That is the number four answer. You get one point. Okay. Italian and Australian were the other two. Australian?

I thought about it. I think that's a good answer. Yeah. But to sound sexy? All right. Scottish. I've listened to Chris Hemsworth talking. Yeah. We got Margot Robbie.

It's, yeah. Good day! Now, not Crocodile Dundee, but go on. That was so sexy, Mike. All right. Through five rounds, we got Andy with 11, Mike with nine, Jason with four. This is the last round worth normal points, and then we will go into our championship round. Name an activity

that could be rained out. Sporting event. Number one answer. Yes! What? You gotta get the timing right, my brother. Wedding. Number three answer. That's worth one point.

A parade. He laughed at you it's just out of the blue uh that is not on the board it's literally a phrase that what don't write on my parade yeah but that's but you want to know why it's a phrase because they don't stop the parade they just sucks it's like oh don't rain on my parade. It doesn't get canceled. All right, we got sporting event number one, picnic number two, wedding number three. Picnic. Concert and barbecue are the next two. Okay.

Who's even going on a picnic? We need to picnic more. We don't picnic enough. We don't as a people. You guys want to do a company picnic? No. Brooks, are you in on that? Of course not.

Nobody wants to. I'm ready. You want to sit in a pile of ants? Because no one wants to do all this food preparation, then travel with the food for multiple miles, and you're like, hey, we've got this sort of fresh sandwich here. You want to sit on the ground and eat it? We got a lumpy hill here we could sit on. There's certainly no bugs.

There'll be pickleball, though. At a picnic? I'm in. Yeah. I'm in. Wait. Yeah, he's in now. He's in. Food and pickleball? Come on. At a picnic? Yeah. I'm in. Wait. Yeah, he's in now. He's in.

Food and pickleball? Come on. We'll hit the park. I'm in on that part, but I just... You want to go rollerblading, Mike? We can go rollerblading at the picnic. All right. All right.

We are six rounds in. This is the final round worth double points. So technically, Jason could still win. Oh, yeah. Even though we're sitting with Andy. That would be such a slap in the face. Andy's got 12. Mike's got nine. Even though we're sitting with Andy. That would be such a slap in the face. Andy's got 12. Mike's got nine.

Jason is at seven. Final round. Name an occasion for which people return to their hometown. Wedding. That's the number three answer. No, no. Keep an eye on those buttons. Class reunion.

That is the number one answer. Oh, yeah. Let's's go andy go ahead family reunion wait isn't that what mike said he said class reunion oh it just says reunion yeah it's the number one answer okay you can try again so i'll give you the yeah already been so he got So he gets both of those? Yep. Please repeat the question. Name an occasion for which people return to their hometown.

Three, two, one. Parents' retirement. Let me guess. Family. Family. Come on. We got reunion at number one,mas at number two wedding at number three funeral at number four and a birthday for number five mike is our big man of the people

class reunion my butt i know that meant family reunion nope i don't think it did. All right, we are moving on. The Spitballers Draft. I can't confirm it, but I think that's the story of Man of the People for me in every single one of these. I think I'm always up until the final question. All right. And to be fair, now that we've heard it, Christmas is a very obvious answer. Yeah, that makes sense.

That makes sense. And it wasn't even like- It was not anywhere- Like, I knew funeral would be on there. That wasn't there. Now, before we get to this great draft, I just have a question. Who was president during World War I? World War I?

No. Not Franklin. No, he was too. Truman? No. That's later, right? I'm not going- Wait. Oh, he was too. Truman? No. That's later, right? I'm not going. Wait.

I think it could be Truman. It could be. That was around the same time. For some reason, I can't remember which. So Franklin was World War II? Two. Yeah, because he gave the Pearl Harbor speech. World War I.

I'm going to go with Truman. Mike? Harry S. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Harry S sure yeah okay okay yeah that's that's what he had

I'm gonna go with Woodrow Wilson oh whoa Woodrow good old Woody that's yeah okay let's draft we know our stuff. We're drafting. That was.

Let me see here for a second. That would be Harry S. Truman. Harry. Harry S. I've heard his. It stands for nothing. It was a compromise of his last name of his grandfathers. Did not stand for any name.

The S was in there. It's like Brooks. No, because his grandfathers were Anderson Shipp, Truman, and Solomon Young, and they wanted to put the S in there for honor of both of them. I mean, I've heard that name countless times, but never like that. No, no. Into the draft. What do you got jay we are drafting the best ways to cover up a fart okay all right uh let's see here so i get the this is not a great draft to have the first pick

but you you do have more i would say experience with this one. I do have some experience with this. I'm going to go with one that was, look, this might be the 101 in the draft, but it was like the last one I could even think of. I'm scratching, I'm clawing, I'm just trying to build this list. I've never tried it out. But I think if you fart into a pillow, you are safe. So take your seat. Full sound absorption?

Yeah. I think you're going to even have some smell absorption there. Sit on a pillow, let it rip. Okay. All right. Let me ask a question related to farts because it's important. Obviously, you've been sitting when you need to let one rip. Most often.

I've been known to be a walker, i i uh you yeah you're more of an everyman in every situation but when you do the lean onto one cheek sure can other people tell i always think i get away with it but i i just want to know can anybody tell that i'm leaning up a little bit on one side and what i might be doing. No, because you could just be adjusting your back. That's why you do a rock. If you go one way and then quickly shift post-fartist, then you're good. All right. I will go with, Jason went with farting into a pillow as the best way to cover up a fart.

I'm going to go with a sneeze. Oh, yes. Now, there are two ways to cover it up. There is the sound, there is the smell, and maybe the pillow does a little of both until the next person puts their head on that pillow. But I'm going to go with the sneeze, the well-timed sneeze. Okay.

You will get someone to say, God bless you, about your fart. Sometimes a sneeze is the cause. Ooh, for you? i've had that happen before wow i didn't know it could be the cause oh yeah a real power sneeze you ever seen the chiropractic uh like there's a lot of videos that go around where people are getting their backs adjusted and stuff and then sometimes that is a cause i mean mean, it's the same idea of you're putting pressure on the torso. Yeah. You just have to squeeze one out.

Yeah. All right. Harry S. Truman. Mike, you're too president. President during World War I. When was he president? During World War I. That would have been.

30s maybe? No, Wood wilson was the answer or woodrow no but when was harry s truman the president truman was after just probably yeah 30s no because because when was late 30s was world war ii and like the when was the great depression 45 to 53 is when truman served oh really i'm thinking of Hoover. Oh, that Hoover. All right, Mike, two picks. All right. Best way to cover up a fart. I feel like it's boring. It's vanilla.

It's plain Jane. But kind of like a sneeze, but it's like the cough. The cough has got to be the go-to. Don't mind me. If you're in a crowded situation, should you be able to cough loud enough? If you can time up a sneeze, that works, but you can't do a fake sneeze. A fake cough, much easier to replicate than a fake sneeze. Fake sneeze looks pretty fake.

Ah-choo! You just keep winding up because you're not ready for the fart. Ah. Ah. It's coming. Any moment. Oh, I thought I had to sneeze. Achoo!

All right, Mike, you have cough. And what's your second pick? And for this one, it blew my mind. We learned so much on this fine podcast. I learned about the cheek spread. Yes. Oh, it's on my list. On this show, which I've-

Wait, if you spread them, then it comes out quieter? It's like a silencer. It's a silencer. It's a silencer. I mean, think about when you have pressure being forced through a narrow gap, it's going to create a sound. How do you pull that one off? Well, you've got to do the lean. Oh, you get your hand down there, though?

I'm imagining myself, this is like a conversation, so maybe I have an itch on both of my butt cheeks at the exact same time so you're going that's not awkward at all listen my pro move you only need one hand you don't really yeah you just yes you can one cheek can solve the problem i feel like he's doing a double i feel like if you just go go one cheek, you are taking on some risk. You are taking on some risk. That is true. But you're also not grabbing both your butt cheeks.

I have failed before, but it's got a 90% success rate with one cheek spread to be silent. But then you're right because you expect the silent. He's like, oh, no, that didn't pull far enough there. Wow. Cheek spread silencer. Okay, my pick here in the second round is going to be turning up the TV. Oh. Going to turn up the TV.

And I can say this as well. Turn it up. It kind of mixes in, and I just want to share this. I have definitely been in the middle of the movie theater waiting for the action scene waiting they got some quiet dialogue and i'm like please please blow something up please set off a bomb yeah so uh but no in the in the confines of my own home i think you turn the tv up a little bit and you wait for the action scene yes okay um so i think the classiest way and the most effective way where no one would know is you preempt your fart with a big old fake fart noise you just go a little misdirection.

A little misdirection. It's too on point. You just give them a good. You know with your tongue. Let everybody see it. And just let it go right in the middle. Nobody can hear it or distinguish it. Cover a fart with a fart.

Cover a fart with a fart. It's genius. This is life changing. How could it go wrong? Oh, that's so good. Let me tell you how it goes wrong. Look what I can do. It smells.

That's how it goes wrong. So we need something here. Or someone's like, how did you do that? They heard like this harmonizing. We're like, how did you fake fart and make it smell? Right. Very impressive. Magician.

Please brush your teeth. No. So I'm going to make the fart noise while I make the fart noise, and I'm going to light a match at the same time to cover up the smell. Okay? So I'm- Is this one pick or two picks? No, these are two picks.

These are two picks to cover up the smell. I'm going to light a match. That's just fun. People like to light matches. No, they don't. Oh, I love to light matches. I mean, yes, I like lighting it, but not like casual conversations. Yeah, I just got little matches in my pocket.

Check this out. Check this out. And then light the match. No one knows you are. Oh, it's like a gag together. Yeah, exactly. It's like, look at my fake fart now. Look at what this match sounds like. It's like a gag together. It's like my fake fart. Look at what this match sounds like.

It sounds like this. And then you blow it out. No one. Wow. No one can hear it. No one can smell it. You're in the clear. Oh, my goodness.

We've all been we've all been down the road where sometimes, you know, you're going to have a gassy night. Yeah. Sometimes it's not just sneaking one out. Sometimes it's like tonight. Tonight is set up for multiple hours. And those are the nights I like to microwave some salmon. I like

to cook up some fish in the house because I can fart anywhere I want to fart because you're not smelling nothing but that fish. That's a great idea. I'm cooking up some fish in the old microwave. That's a great idea. Make some Brussels sprouts.

Yeah. Put some salmon. Put some salmon on. Ooh, anybody else want fish? I'll be in the kitchen. All right, Mike, you get to. That's a tremendous answer. I'm going to go.

So this one would work especially good for our personnel because I know what Jason's reaction would be. But should I scream spider? Oh, gosh, I'm gone. Really just reel out with a point. They're running away from you. People are either going to run or they're going to turn. Maybe there's someone in the crowd that will shriek and at that point i slipped through

wow as it would be and i've alerted i've misdirected people and put them that's almost like i'm a little scared it's like pulling the fire alarm yeah you also you helped them if there was a spider there i want to know yes and And then the last one I will go with, so my fourth pick to close out the draft, is I'm in the conversation. Oh, I'm so sorry. I have to take this phone call really quick. And I need to remove myself.

And then, of course, I'm talking. Hello? I can't hear you. nice very nice just excuse yourself for a quick phone call and then oh spam excuse me one second i just gotta be right back all right my final pick they won't stop calling me i think i'm going to go with the, and I don't know if anybody's ever pulled this off. I think it's very doable, but I'm going to go with the casually opening the window to enjoy the breeze. Oh, I like it. What a nice evening.

I would love to see what that breeze feels like on my back. I love the wind on my neck. can i sit on the windowsill just do some calisthenics right next to the open window the casually opening a window let's get a deep hamstring stretch i'm gonna climb right out of this thing oh i'm stuck my butt is hanging out. Someone help me back. My butt has fallen out the window. All right. Look, this one only works in a room of two or more other people. If it's just two. You're in trouble?

You're in trouble. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, so you need. You need a room full of three or more. Got it. In my head, I thought you said it works with two or more as in as if you have to cover up your farts when you're in a room alone yes look if you want to trick yourself

and have no idea that you farted here's the 10 step process um no this one is just this is a classic it's a misdirection okay and. And you're upset about it. Oh. It's gross. Who farted? Oh, yeah. And you jet. You get out of there.

Yeah. You got you. Oh, that is foul. Smelted, dealt it. How many times in your life has somebody brought up that someone farted and it has been you and you know it and you have played stupid? Because I remember in grade school, definitely. Yes.

Definitely. And you almost overplay. You oversell. You overact. You're like, oh, this is so bad. Who would do such a thing? We're all trying to figure out who did it. That's exactly right.

Yeah. When you're young and you don't have the confidence of realizing this, everyone has a toot toot every once in a while. Now, see, when I was young, it's certainly, I would be so embarrassed. Yeah. And if someone said, oh, who farted? I'd be looking around with them. Like, I want to find out.

What? Someone farted? Now, if I was in a group and someone said, who farted? And they looked at me, I would be trying to not laugh. I wouldn't succeed. They'd know exactly who farted because wait who farted they'd scan the faces just crack it up right in the middle of the crowd one face is beet red unbelievable this has been a spectacular draft i have uh a few backups

uh yeah i have some as well um i thought about spritzing my butt. Wait, is the draft over? Yes, it is. Oh, wow, we did it. We did it. I thought about, I know this one is like fighting a smell with a smell, but I'd rather be the guy that burped than the guy that farted. Oh. I thought you could burp. Okay.

I thought you could spritz your butt with some cologne. Yeah. I don't know how that would work. I don't know if that's mixing like, you know, add molecules together in a bad way. That's like the rose smelling poop. And then I also thought about maybe carrying a kazoo on me at all times. Oh, that's a good one.

You heard this one? Or like a pitch pipe. Like you're trying to get the barbershop. A pitch pipe. Me, me, me. All right, Jason, you have any others? I have a classic that I learned from Mike, which is, does anybody smell popcorn? It doesn't cover it.

No, that's a highlighting. It covers the humiliation of it. That's highlighting and making sure that someone notices. Yeah, I have play the drums, which you can do on anything. Oh, okay. Just give a good rip bad like a drum roll on your desk I had crying just start sobbing that dangerous so I might attract some hugs in the middle of the hey but it's not over there I want to be alone. I just thought of something really sad. All right. Anything else?

Is that it? That's perfect. The squeaky chair. Yeah, for sure. Moving the squeaky chair. I think Al's enjoying these very much. I hear him cackling. My actual one that I do pretty often is a single lap around the car because it always

so happens yeah it's right before i gotta get into a car i'm trying to get him out and i know if i get in that car too quick i'm bringing it with me you gotta cut the trail do you uh i'm looking at those tires if you're in the car do you do you let it go or are you you're holding out till you're done with the trip is my family in the car yeah i'm let it go or are you holding out until you're done with the trip? Is my family in the car? Yeah. I'm letting it go. What did we learn today? I learned about Harry S. Truman. Truman, one of our great presidents. Incredible, respected president of the United States.

So Woodrow was the answer though, right? Yes. World War I was Woodrow. I learned the one. It's just one cheek for the United States. So Woodrow was the answer, though, right? Yes, World War I was Woodrow. I learned the one. It's just one cheek for the silencer. Well, with the risk, if you want the 100%, probably 99%. Because I'm sure there's still a 1% chance. There's still a sphincter there.

I learned that Jason is on a water quest right now, and he is not doing very good. Oh, no. He filled up this giant water cup and drank not even half of it except he is attempting to chug it before the end of the show thank you for tuning in everyone please tell your friends about the podcast jason did he did it goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers to see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.